The Frank Skinner Show - Baddiel & Skinner - Live Show 3

Episode Date: July 1, 2010

Frank's in South Africa and this was the third of the live shows he did on Absolute Radio with David Baddiel.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Badil and Skinner's podcasts from South Africa. Thanks to Sony Ericsson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Tony Erickson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. So anyway, here we are.

It's sort of a cold Thursday night in Johannesburg. Traffic was terrible, but we're here. But we're here in our shopping centre. For those of you who haven't heard the show before, we broadcast from a shopping centre in downtown Johannesburg. People looking at the window now. I can see someone staring at me as we speak. It's not actually downtown.

If we were in downtown Johannesburg, you wouldn't want to be sitting in a show it's on fire obviously yeah so um we've heard um you can by the way you can text us on 8 12 15 at any time you like we'd be lovely to hear from back home yeah it'd be great and um we've already had emails we had an email from jim campbell good jim campbell and he's got a good idea jim yeah what's his idea he said it just occurred to me this morning whilst listening to bitty mclean it keeps raining on youtube i don't know that that well bitty mclean it keeps raining but it sounds great yeah instead of having an official world cup song before the event would it be more commercially viable and philosophically realistic to have a World Cup song after the event? That's a good idea.

It would be more philosophically realistic, but almost definitely less commercially viable, I think. Well, I don't know. If you sold something now that was really laying into the England team, I think you'd sell millions, such is the public mood. He said, Delameter's Scottish effort, Don't Come Home Too Soon, naively at its feet in both camps. Yes.

Were they on to something? Well, possibly. We had a bit of that with Three Lions. If you played Three Lions backwards, the old song, it would end with Jimmy Hill saying, we're not creative enough and we're not positive enough. I've never tried that. No.

I don't really play it satanically backwards, obviously. What about, couldn't we use Back Home? That would seem to fit this. Yes. Because they are back home. Yeah. Could bring home a verse that said, back home in brackets before July.

Yes, back home too soon. Or maybe Dan Hartman's instant replay. That's a good idea. Instant replay. I've got to have her. I think, he's talking about a new song, but I think some covers could work, with the England squad singing along,

or possibly us, the fans, singing along I Hate You So Much Right Now by Kellis. I'm liking it. Idiot Wind. Do Idiot Wind by Bob Dylan. Oh, God, yes. I thought that might work. There's a song by Marilyn Manson called Nobody's, which is a bit harsh. That is a bit harsh. And I think what would work best was just if they re-released

On The Ball by Anton Deck because it was rubbish. I think it would suit. Are we allowed to say that about our colleagues in football songdom? I think we can say it about that one. OK. Well, I'd go for Journey, Don't Stop Believing. What about that? What about that for a light of optimism amongst all the gloom?

So anyway, if you've got any ideas for what should be our post-World Cup song, just keep them to yourself. I mean, it cares. We've had loads of emails. We've had one email about some of you may have been, oh, there's a bloke with a moustache now staring at me, which is really going to put me off because it's a big old moustache. You'll be a German fan, don't worry about that.

This is about Frank had a plan. When we were in the competition, there was some talk of us tying with the United States and having to draw lots. And Frank suggested a brilliant idea, which is that the two teams should have penalty shootouts wherever they are. They're in different stadiums, the which is that the two teams should have penalty shootouts wherever they are. They're in different stadiums, the two tying teams,

but they should have penalty shootouts. And someone said, well, what goalie would they use? The idea was if you got big, every stadium has big screens, so you could have some live and some on the big screen. Yes, but you have to use a goalie. Yes, so I suggested we sent the third choice. It needn't be the third choice, but you pick one of the goalies and he goes off there. Yes. So,

this has been sent from David Steer. He's been worried about this, he says, and he's been troubling for a week or so. Now, what about the catastrophic psychological effects this system would have on the losing reserve goalie? Would anyone from the team accompany him to the match? I really do hope

so. This is a good bit of writing, I think. Because I cannot imagine a more lonely figure in sport than the defeated keeper in a euphoric stadium stranded hundreds of miles from his teammates and fans. And then he makes a couple of suggestions for how he could be helped out of this. But it's a good point. He's already quite depressed, Joe Hart or whoever,

at being the third choice. Then he has to go all the way to wherever America are playing. And then if he loses, he takes his own life, surely. Well, think it through, though. Because first of all, he will have spent the last few days practising penalties because he'll know he's got this job lined up. So he'll be on top form. He won't go on his own.

But you know those sort of old blokes you always see in tracksuits? The ones in tracksuits who are knocking around the bench and you think, who is that? Yeah, but that would just depress him further, some old bald bloke. You know the bloke who sort of puts the chewing gum out in the dressing room? He'd go with him.

He'd go with him, yeah. And also, bear in mind, I think the other team's fans, who'd be so bitter that they weren't going through, they'd stay and support Joe Hart, wouldn't they? No, they'd be cheering. Oh, the losing team's fans. Yeah, the losing team's fans, I think it would stay to try and put off. I think that's a real spectacle

and much better than drawing lots and all that nonsense. OK. Have we had any other emails? Oh, you know we have. Well, I just said it as if you hadn't. We've had one from Rob Ferber. Have we? I didn't know we had one from him.

Yeah, and he said something that's not been mentioned yet but possibly another factor that may have disorientated our players, it's claimed that water goes down the plug hole in the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere. When you say it's claimed, I've seen it happen. It does happen. Was there enough preparation made on this score? Rooney,

having a wet shave perhaps, could have fatally stared at that swirling water and subconsciously been thrown out of kilter. We need answers. Well, they could do. That brings to mind the Nike advert where he hasn't shaved for weeks and weeks and weeks. That's because he was confused about the water in his caravan. Well, having written the future, of course

he shouldn't be shaving at the moment. But I like it as an excuse. I think that there's been some such fabulous excuses. If anyone is listening and they fancy texting us on 8-12-15, I'd love to, if you could come up with an excuse. I think the England team have been very worried about those 11 spies that have been found in America, that might be it.

That they're worried about the resumption of the Cold War. Or maybe they just think, because of that piece of news, that it actually is 1966 and they would have won anyway. I'll tell you what I do think. I think it's the national anthems is relevant. I think I got very emotional before the Germany game when they played God Save the Queen. I was with you. I could feel your emotion.

Because I was thinking, you know, let's face it this, you know, I mean, God forbid but this could well be the Queen's last World Cup. And the players must have thought that. That's what they were worried about. And also Peter, you know Peter Alice, the golf commentator. Yes. He'll be 83 in the next World Cup.

When they played Deutschland über Alice, they had exactly the same... Really? ...pang. Oh, God save Peter Alice. But Dale and Skinner's podcasts from South Africa. So we've had a few suggestions for an England song suitable to their demise. And this one is an interesting one from Tony, just signs Tony. He says, what about Ladies in Red by Chris de Burgh? There's a couple

of issues with that. Firstly, it's not ladies, it's lady. So you have to redo it. And also, it's a bit sexy. It's a bit sexy because the England ladies are probably very good, for all I know. So I'm not sure about that, but it's probably the best suggestion we've had. If you've got any other ideas... I like your way of getting out of

the sexism and saying, the England ladies are probably very good, for all I know. Obviously I wouldn't have any interest in that. Don't go watch that. So there's been other never mind about England there's been all sorts of other teams and other news and one thing that happened today was that the president of Nigeria not the president of the Nigerian FA the president of Nigeria whose name fantastically is Good Luck Jonathan. Did you know that Frank? I didn didn't know it, but I love it. His name is actually Good Luck Jonathan, which makes me wonder, if you wanted to wish him good luck,

would you have to say, good luck, good luck, Jonathan? He wouldn't call it by his surname. He'd just say, good luck, good luck. Good luck, good luck. Also, if he decided to give it up and become an actor, would he have to be called Break a Leg Jonathan? Presumably. But he didn't have much good luck, of course, well, you have to be called break a leg, Jonathan. Presumably. But you didn't

have much good luck, of course, Jonathan, because they didn't score or they were out of the World Cup with no points. They played quite badly. They played quite badly. So he's decided, it's an interesting way of dealing with this that we haven't decided to do in England, just to say that the team, Nigeria, will not play

in international competition for two years. That's it. They're not going to play. And they're going to sort out, they're going to put the house in order. Well, he said that we're going to sit back and look inwards. Is that what he said? Is he a contortionist as well? Good luck. That sounds like bad luck to me. Do we think that's a good idea? Is that what England should do?

Just not play? I did have the idea that maybe every player who played against Germany should be banned from ever playing for england again but i'm over it now that was an initial i think good luck he needs to let the situation cool yeah i'd like that he's the president now can you imagine david cameron saying yeah we that's it every player has to be banned yeah Yes. A sort of a reverse version. Well done, Cameron, as you say. Not in our house. Yes, that's true. They might be ejected by FIFA anyway,

Nigeria, if they do this, which would be bad luck. Well, actually, it might be good luck, considering that they wouldn't have to play with the Jabilani anymore. When you say it'd be good luck, do you mean the president? Yes, I do. Don't mix those up. And also, in other foreign... Can I say, this is on something a bit difficult for me, the whole good luck thing.

Well, do you remember I once sponsored a child in Africa? I do. What was he called? He was called Agreement Phineas. Yeah, I remember we had a picture of Agreement Phineas on our fridge. I sent them some money and they sent me a picture of him. Yeah, and that was about as far as it went. Well, I forgot, basically. I basically forgot. Really?

Yeah, and I was about as far as it went. Well, I forgot, basically. I basically forgot. Really? Yeah, and I moved and... Yeah. Well, I didn't move. I just forgot. And I never sent him any more money. Yeah, yeah. But he drew up an agreement later on that you wouldn't have to pay. Yeah, well, just the name has set me on edge. He'll be fine.

He'll be fine. Yeah, agreement fitness. Ronaldo spat at the camera, or did did he there's some confusion about it he spat in the general direction of the camera which was enough for the sun to say he was in a world of shame yeah a world he's in a world of phlegm that's what he was he was well i i respect him for it in a way because i don't know about you but i've never really been able to do projectile spitting and it mean either It just goes on my chin It does, I know

it's very sort of wimpy of me But in the old days when footballers used to spit all the time they used to do nostril jets It was the thing in the 70s and now they don't do it so much I think they still spit a lot I have no idea and actually if you want to email

about this, if you're a medical person or perhaps an athlete, why do footballers feel the need to spit? Why is their saliva suddenly unpalatable in the middle of a game? I know because I'm not a great sportsman, but when I have got, you know, exhausted at running and stuff, I never, ever spit. You never see marathon runners spit, do you? No, I'm normally too tired after running to spit.

That would do me. I don't see them spitting at Wimbledon and stuff. No, well that's a gentleman's game, you see. I wonder if it's considered to be macho or kind of cool in some way. But surely only for very young people. He's a strange character. Do you remember when he had that car crash? He wrote off

his sports car in Manchester. Ronaldo? Yeah, it was a really terrible crash and he walked away completely uninjured. Perhaps the only time he's ever walked away from anything. And it was a major car crash. He lay on the ground for ages, calling for the stretchers. This is the one time he didn't, though. Really?

He could brush his sleeve in a game and he'd fall over. Do you remember? There was no other car involved. He drove into a wall. There was no other car involved. It's very like when he falls over. I think he was doing stepovers on the break. Yeah, possibly. Not actually hitting me. But Dylan Skinner's podcasts, from South Africa.

Thanks to Sony Ericsson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. That's Lenny Kravitz. Are you going to go my way? I went out with someone who he chatted on while I was going out with her. Did he cop off? Well, not according to her. He smells a bit, she said. I mean, it might have just been that night. You can't say that about Lenny Kravitz.

He'll be on the Line to Absolute Radio suing them. Oh, no, we've already had agreement, Phineas, on the Line. He came for back pay. Yes, don't say I smell. So, yes, England. So there was a lot of stuff about england in the papers and the the papers are doing this thing at the moment whereby the england team are not allowed to do anything except look a bit sad that's really what they're supposed to do they're not allowed to

laugh they're not allowed really to eat and drink they can't even smoke a cigar they can't smoke a cigar and they were spotted doing exactly that under the headline are you havana laugh uh in the sun with a fabulous kind of blurry picture which i have in front of me of the england team at the hotel after the game and what i love is that they've put little idents of who this who they are sean wright phillips jermaine de fern rather brilliantly michael dawson and stephen warner because i'd have no idea yeah without these things i wouldn't know them if it was in HD. Absolutely not. And then they've put beer, beer, lit cigar, ice bucket for bottle of booze, they've put. I am surprised that Aaron Lennon smokes cigars.

He doesn't seem the type at all. No, not at all. You should have seen the camera as well, but as usual, he didn't look up. Good one. England's football flops relax, it says, just hours after a humiliating World Cup exit with beers and in capitals they've put a cigar.

In capitals. That's how bad it is. It's too much. It is far too much. I do associate a cigar with celebration, though. Yeah, well, I suppose that's the idea. Actually, I mainly associate it with terrible human beings, but also with celebration.

Well, I think this ice bucket for Bot Pizzura, it could be for injuries, for all I know. Yeah, it could be for Ledley King's knee. It could be for Ledley King's knee that he was kneeling in. But they're obviously very annoyed the son there wasn't actually a champagne bottle, because what they want is all these celebratory things that they shouldn't be having.

But the picture, which was haplessly sent by Ledley King to his pals, apparently, using his BlackBerry Messenger... What, accidentally sent? Haplessly, meaning heley King to his pals, apparently using his BlackBerry messenger. What, accidentally sent? Haplessly, meaning he's a fool for having sent it. With feet on the tables, the group look remarkably relaxed at their HQ, despite not even coming close to lifting the tournament's glittering trophy. Well, most of them are in traction. That's why they've got their feet up, isn't it? Yeah.

Beside them, beer bottles nestle on the table, while an ice bucket for wine or champagne can also be seen. I like this. One disgusted fan yesterday leaked the picture to The Sun after being shocked by the team's apparent carefree attitude. After finding out The Sun would pay 250 quid. We don't know that The Sun has paid, I should point out. He says, this bloke, this disgusted fan,

says, at the least after that god-awful performance, we expected the team to be embarrassed and reflect on how they let us all down. Now, this disgusted fan. Says, at the least after that god-awful performance, we expected the team to be embarrassed and reflect on how they let us all down. Now, this is presumably what they want, a shot of them reflecting. And how would that look exactly? Blurry shots of them with their hands on their heads, perhaps looking down.

Well, they need to lean back and look inwards, as suggested by Good Luck Jonathan. It says just hours after the match, they're in the bar with a cigar and beers. It's enough to make you sick, which is true about a cigar and beers. Yeah, it could make you sick. The sun continues.

The squad arrived home at dawn, touching down at London's Heathrow Airport where they dodged fans. Their low-key arrival was greeted fittingly by a downpour, as predicted by the sun's front page. The front page of the sun congratulated themselves on their own weather forecast. I mean, this is a newspaper that has access, I believe, to weather forecasting. So it's gone a bit far now, hasn't it?

I think, yeah. Ashley Cole is getting death threats and all that on his website. Yes, I think that's probably every day, isn't it? He said he hated England and the people, which is a commonly held view throughout the world, we should say, not normally in England. He could have meant the newspaper, the people. Does he include the 8% to 10% of the people who he's having a physical relationship with?

I think he really hates them, because they're going to the press all the time and betraying him. It's a weird status update. That's what it actually was. It was a sort of status update on his BlackBerry, Ash hates England and the people, essentially. Really, it's the sort of status update on his blackberry ash hates england and the people essentially really it's a sort of update you might find on osama bin laden's status page isn't it i suppose so more it's sort of a fundamental i'd say at the moment he's slightly more popular than

ashley cole yeah slightly oh dear i think it's time maybe to start saying look it's not their fault they weren't that good yes i mean there are lots of pictures of them on holiday now, so that's a problem, because on holiday one is normally enjoying oneself, even with Christine Blakely. And so... Well, Frank Lampard and Christine Blakely had their first public kiss.

Did they really? Yeah. And that was all. This time he didn't cross the line. We've had a lot of emails, both about the excuses that England should use and about the songs that fit them. The excuses, frankly,

everyone has just said they were rubbish. Almost to a man and woman. People really aren't over it yet. But the song that Yvonne suggests I quite like is Madness Is You're An Embarrassment. And the reason I like that is the idea that they could make a video and all do the nutty dance to it.

What, the team? The squad could get together and they could lean on each other and do the walk, all too weird and embarrassment. That'd be fabulous. If only they'd embraced it like that, I think I'd be all right with it. Thomas Muller, who plays for... He hasn't texted him, by the way.

He plays for Germany. No, but he's not much of a texter. That's my guess. He said that our problem is we've got too many alpha males. He had a go, didn't he, Thomas Muller? Yes. Well, he said too many alpha males. He had a go, didn't he, Thomas Muller? Yes. He said, too many alpha males. Too many alpha males, which I suppose means,

what usually means macho men. I just thought we haven't got enough of those in England. Well, we have a lot of standout people who are quite big personalities, but not alpha males on the pitch. No, no. And he said it's hard for them to row in the same direction. Really? They've had plenty of oars, most of them.

Yeah. Yay! row in the same direction. Really? They've had plenty of oars, most of them. He also said, you don't only need chiefs, you also need a few Indians. I'm presuming he means Native Americans, can I say to anyone? He's terribly idiomatic for a German speaker, isn't he? These are all strange English expressions, chiefs and Indians and rowing in the same direction. Well, the whole point,

I think, is... Can I just say that he's a bit of an alpha male himself, Thomas Willer, because you've got to be an alpha male to make all those fruit corners, haven't you? Well, I don't know. Actually, he's quite a sensitive person. Do you? Oh, the assembly of that tiny crumbly bit. Possibly. You're right. You don't want a heavy hand with that kind of work, I find.

Yeah. Otherwise the whole thing will come down like a house of cards. Yeah, so I think... I don't know about it. I think it may be time to lay off them a bit. You know, we've had a break, haven't we? We went on safari for a day. Well, we saw a lot of alpha males on safari. Yeah, but they were baboons.

Well, yeah, but they were a bit like the England team in that respect. Well, well. The silly monkeys, that's what I'm saying. No, that's what we want to see as a headline. Yeah. We get beat by Germany 4-1, the Daily Mail headline, the silly monkeys. The silly monkeys, cheeky. Better lot next time.

That's the headline I want to see. That's what we should have. It was an interesting experience going on so far. It was our little time off from football, wasn't it? To be honest with you, I love football, as you know. But I didn't mind a day off. Finally. In fact we at one point we saw three lions eating a dead elephant and no football puns ensued that shows just how

beaten down although having said that when we arrived i remember saying are we going to see the big game and then almost instantly watch spain versus portugal exactly so that was a bit wrong also we did see some alpha males at one point we saw a sable antelope she's very rare and our guide said he had sort of 12 females around he said look at its majestic horns and i thought well it's hardly surprising no we're 12 females around it yes it was it was it was a special experience yeah i mean we're having a great time in south africa it's just like when we had a great time in Germany at the last World Cup. Only England spoiled it. Everything else was...

Well, on that note, we've had one last email, which I thought I wanted to read you, which was about... We talked about the subversive messages in the Nike Write the Future advert, and lots of people have noticed now that people in that advert have had a cursed World Cup. Yeah, a lot of them haven't done that well, but we were very... I still think that the bit

where Wayne Rooney embraces the Queen is a suggestion. We thought there were even deeper messages because there's Ronaldo's wink and all sorts of things.

And then someone has written in Mr Larry Sardar's Joe, which is probably not his real name. I think he's written in before. Has he? Well.

I love that. I love it that people feel part of the team. Yeah, he's keeping going. He says, read the subversive messages. Since it has been reported that the end of England's golden generation is looming, perhaps the scene where rows of infants called Wayne pack the nation's maternity wards

is suggesting that England's football future is likely to be waning, or indeed, on the wane, would probably have been better. Oh, that's clever. It is clever. It's almost definitely not an intended message in the Nike Write the Future ad. Well, who knows? Who knows these people? Let's not write anything off at this stage.

Not the Germans, certainly. Don't write them off. Oh, let's write them off. Can't we, shall we? Argentina are going to beat them. That's it, we've done it. That's it, we've written off the Germans. When we were on safari, there was a German bloke there who never spoke hardly for the whole thing. Yeah, but he had an incredible German certainty.

I said, are Germany going to win on Saturday? He went, ja. Nothing. That was it. That was it, yeah. I kind of wanted them to win just for him because I liked his dull silence. I loved him for that. Are we going?

Well, you see, they want me to end exactly on 7.52.47, and I take that as a challenge. Can you do that? Yeah. So tell us a funny football joke. What, me? I'm just thinking, you know that bit when Brian Moore said to... Oh, by the way, our next brand-new podcast

will be available from Sunday morning. Badin and Skinner's podcasts from South Africa. Thanks to Sony Ericsson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.