The Frank Skinner Show - Baddiel & Skinner's Absolute Radio Podcast

Episode Date: May 25, 2010

Frank and Dave look at Fabio's 30 man squad.

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Badir and Skinner. It's that simple. Badil and Skinner's Absolute Radio Podcasts. Thanks to Sony Ericsson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. So, recently, England have named their squad for the World Cup. Quite right. So we were looking at the squad, we have the squad in front of us, and you were saying you're not sure if you know who all these players are. Well, I've ticked the players. I know their names.

Yeah. But there are seven players. When I first saw the 30, I was on a train. Yeah. And I looked through the players and I thought, there are seven players amongst the 30 who I wouldn't know

if they now came and sat opposite me on this train. So they may have been sitting opposite you there and then? They may have. That would have been even more embarrassing. But imagine if I'd leaned across to Leighton Baines and said, you know, if Leighton Baines was sitting here, I wouldn't know. Exactly. Leighton Baines

and Adam Johnson were sitting there. I would have chatted to them about this phenomenon. Imagine my embarrassment. I wonder how long it would have taken them to say, you know, we are Leighton Baines and Adam Johnson were sitting there, I would have chatted to them about this phenomenon. Imagine my embarrassment. I wonder how long it would have taken them to say, you know, we are Leighton Bates and Adam Johnson. How awful. What would have made it worse is I would have said, who's that?

And they'd have had to have gone back to the... They'd have had to have pointed. I think possibly you'd have thought, those names ring a bell. Wait a minute, I'll check my phone again. Exactly. So who are those seven who you wouldn't know? Can you name

the seven you wouldn't be able to... You'll be shocked by some of them, because some of them I really shouldn't know. But these are people, honestly, from my heart, I would not recognise if they got and sat opposite me on the train. Joe Hart. Yeah, I wouldn't recognise Joe Hart. Robert Green. Right. Leighton Baines, Michael

Dawson, Stephen Warnock, Tom Huddleston and Adam Johnson. Now, would you recognise them if they'd been sitting on the train in kit? No. I mean, you'd know they were footballers, I guess. So you might have been able to work out from that. Because Robert Green, for example, I think I would recognise in his goalkeeping kit, but not in his civvies. No, I don't think I would. At least the one I feel most guilty about.

Yeah. Some of these players... All of these players, would you know... I would know their names. Like Leighton Baines, I would know he's a footballer, right? And I partly would know it because he's called Leighton. And the only other footballer I know is Leighton James. Yes.

In fact, the only other person I know called Leighton is Leighton James. What about Leighton Orient? And Leighton Orient. So it's a football theme. Only associated with football. Yes. In fact, the only other person I know called Leighton is Leighton James. What about Leighton Orient? Leighton Orient. It's a football theme. Only associated with football. Yeah. Anyway, it seems to me that if Capello is really struggling on how to get the

30 down to 23, one method would be to take out the seven players who I wouldn't recognise on a train. That's a good idea. I had a look at the squad yesterday, and I looked up Wikipedia to find out if there was anything about each of the players. There should be a special football one called Kickopedia. That's true, there should be.

Because there's one for big-looking women called Chickipedia. Is there? Yeah. No, with Kickopedia, does it have to rhyme with wick? I think it should, yeah, to work properly. Yeah, there should be one about children's hair called Knitterpedia. That doesn't really rhyme with wick. You're right, it was the first thing I could think of, it didn't rhyme.

But I looked through and I was trying to find if any of these players had sort of things about them beyond their careers that would help them stick in my head. See what I mean? Yeah. Because just finding out they played for Sunderland won't help them. And here's the thing. It proves, perhaps, that footballers are not the characters that they used to be.

Because going through the entire squad, I missed out people like John Terry and whatever that I would just know. In Wikipedia, there is a personal section. Yes. And most of them just don't have it. Most of them, it's just they played for these teams. This is what I got. Are you saying most of the people in Capella's 30 don't have it. Most of them, it's just they played for these teams. This is what I got. Are you saying most of the people in Capella's 30

don't have a personal section? They don't have a personal section. Well, what are they, sort of action man figures? This is the personal element of Leighton Baines. When he was young, when he was 10, he was too shy to play on his Sunday league side. That's all we know about Leighton Baines, yeah. Which I quite, it made me like him

you know the vulnerability will always make you like someone and I felt slightly sorry for the 10 year old Leighton Baines who apparently obviously must have been a very good player but felt too shy I slightly worry about having a player in the world called who's too shy to play though

it was when he was 10 I blame Match of the Day I have to say there was a time when I used to watch Match of the Day, I have to say. There was a time when I used to watch Match of the Day religiously from beginning to end. And now, because they sort of top-load the show with all the best games, once I've watched the top four and say Man City play,

I don't really want to watch Blackburn versus Sunderland. Yeah, but that is partly because West Bromwich Albany are not in the top flight. And if they were, you would be watching because you think, well, we may be playing Middlesbrough. Yeah, that's one of the reasons, I think, I don't know, seven of the thirties, I think I have a slight championship blindness

to that. Yes. There are, of course, no players in the championship, are there? I got into a state watching the FA Cup final. I got into a slightly, you know Cup final. I got into a slightly old man, patriotic state where I thought it is ridiculous that Fabio Capello is here and he's watching four

players. He's watching David James and three Chelsea players, Joe Cole if he comes on, and that's it. Meaning there should be more English players. That is a very old man thing to say. It is an old man thing to say. I'm thinking maybe we should have a section on these shows called Grumpy Old Fan, where we say stuff like that. Yeah, well, I find as I get older,

as you know, I used to be someone who didn't like to say things that were in any way unoriginal. Now I find myself very happy to do that, especially about football. Well, that's a great trailer for this whole enterprise. The Deal and Skinner's Absolute Radio Podcasts. With the Sony Ericsson VVAS. Share your experiences this summer with HD Video.

I thought about, as part of my grumpy old fan section, looking at an old England squad and thinking, well, I wonder if in the old days there was much more to say. So I started looking at the England 1970 squad. And I got as far as Gordon Banks and all I could see was that at the time he was playing,

because he was such a good keeper, the phrase appeared, safe as the banks of England. And I thought, well that's interesting because of course that doesn't apply anymore. Safe as the banks of England. Not Gordon. There's no diff. Gordon is still thought of as a great keeper, but that phrase no longer has any merit. Safe as the banks of Englandland not gordon there's no diff gordon is still thought of as a great keeper but that phrase no longer has any merit safe as the banks in them means you're a rubbish keeper no well you let a lot of stuff no but the nice thing is that you would say about the current

crop of english goalkeepers that they're as safe as the banks of england we've got probably the worst bunch of goalkeepers in the history of ever had, certainly in my lifetime there is no really really good goalkeeper, we've got three good ones instead of, we don't have any really good ones and I wondered if there wasn't an argument for having three outfield

players who were designated, or at least two outfield players who were designated goalies, and just take your one, just take David James say, and then pick two outfield players who were designated goalies, and just take your one, just take David James, say, and then pick two outfield players, and if you need them, you probably wouldn't even need a second goalie if you did, it'd be worth the risk because you'd have extra squad players.

Yeah, so who would you play in goal? The obvious choice, surely Peter Crouch would be good in goal. No, I don't think he would be good in goal. If you imagine him, for a penalty, when he's stretched out for the penalty, it'd be like when you vote,

it'd be like the X in the box. You'd have a foot in each corner and a hand in each top corner. I think he might be good in one respect, in that I am slightly frightened of Peter Crouch, physically. I think he outstretched. I think he looks like a giant spider.

Even though he obviously doesn't have eight legs. But something about the body and then the enormous limbs. I should say I'm arachnophobic, obviously. Just then, when you imagined him in goal with his limbs outstretched, I felt a small shiver of fear and repulsion. And that's because

I know, that's because in my mind, he's like a giant spider. But also, if you imagine, imagine if Peter Crouch is playing in goal. Peter Crouch is in goal, it's a corner, say. You're one of the opposing strikers. You know when the goalkeeper comes leaping out to collect the ball? I mean, he's all elbows and knees. It'd be like somebody throwing a bicycle at you.

It'd be really dangerous, sharp edges and stuff like that. Well, you're right, you're right. But I can't believe that if I was taking a penalty against Peter Crouch, you suddenly got a goal under your system, I would just keep it low. Because I would think it'll take him a long time to get down there. I would just think, if you hit it

really, really hard, it did go through him. I'm sure, and this could be wrong, but I saw him once, there was a shot from quite low down during an England game, and the floodlights were behind Peter Crouch. He was facing the camera, and I'm sure I could see the number 10 on his back showing through. I think I actually, for a second, read through Peter Crouch.

Well, it's a good idea, I think, though. It could work, indeed. Well, how often would you need to use more than one goalie, anyway? I always get a slight sense of excitement when an outfield player goes in goal, as well. I think it suggests the relationship of football, real professional football,

to playing in the park. Because when you're playing in the park, obviously, you have to go in goal. I still play, in fact. And I have to go in goal. And I'm absolutely rubbish in goal. But when it happens in professional football, obviously, you have to go in goal. I still play, in fact, and I have to go in goal, and I'm absolutely rubbish in goal. But when it happens in professional football, I think, oh, this is the grassroots game bursting into the real game. Yeah, but there's no law. They have to change jerseys

and everything. Well, there's no law against it. No, I'm on about playing as a proper goalie. Oh, play as a proper goalie. Because one goalkeeper, he'd play and if he got injured, he'd play at outfield. Yeah, yeah. So you mean he's a substitute goalie? I injured, he'd play at outfield. Yeah, yeah. So you mean he's a substitute goalie? I don't mean goalie on the spot.

You don't mean that? No, he'd be a proper goalie, but it'd be Peter Crouch, or it would be Darren Bent. I know what you mean, but I would worry that if particularly someone like Peter Crouch was in goal, they would think as the ball came back to them, well, I'm an outfield player, so I'll be really confident with this, not like a keeper. And then they'd overdo it and screw up. Well, that's possible. I'll tell you something.

I was watching Man City play Tottenham a few weeks ago. This was during your match of the day. I'll watch this bit. No, this was the whole game. I watched the whole game. And it was the one that decided who went into the top four. And Peter Crouch ran to the far post, and he reached, and he missed the ball.

And he stretched, really stretched far out, and all his shirt came off. And he looked at his most thinnest, and he went flat out on the ground. And for a moment, I couldn't see him. He was actually hidden in the grass. And the grass is not long, is it, on a football pitch? What you've described in this point

is a series of optical illusions involving Peter Crouch. I know, I'm... You should set up a kind of Crouch's Believe It or Not. Well, I could have a Croucharium. An auditorium, a Croucharium. If there was a Croucharium in the West End of London, people could look and see these optical illusions. The Sony Ericsson Fly on the Ball Report. I'm James Rowe. I'm going to be reporting in South Africa this summer, and it's going to be awesome.

Thanks to Sony Ericsson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. I couldn't believe it when I won. I was on a different planet. It still hasn't sunk in now. We got back to the hotel, and it was about half nine in the morning, and I thought, I just need to go to sleep, because I just couldn't believe it. So much had happened in the previous three hours. And then I tried to get a hold of my brother and he wasn't on his phone, which I thought was ridiculous, seeing as we'd just won the best prize anyone could ever win.

So I eventually got through to him and, yeah, I'm basically the best brother in the world. As soon as I picked up my phone after we'd finished, I'd probably had about 30 messages off different people. No-one could quite believe it and a lot of people were very jealous of me, I'd probably had about 30 messages off different people. No one could quite believe it, and a lot of people were very jealous of me, I think. You know, they're all just going off to do summer jobs, and they'll be spending time in South Africa.

James Rowe is Sony Ericsson's fly-on-the-ball in South Africa. Find out more at absoluteradio.co.uk. The Dillon Skinners Absolute Radio Podcasts. I thought something that was worth thinking about in picking the 23 from the 30 is which players are liable to miss a penalty. Obviously, that being the way that we've gone out. So, Frank Lampard. Yeah, Frank Lampard.

He's out. Yeah, he's out. And I think that should be judged not really on the basis of whether or not they've actually scored penalties for their clubs or whatever, but just who has the air. And for some reason, Scott Parker came to mind with this. The air of someone trudging back from the penalty spot with a doomed kind of expression. I can see Scott Parker grimly gritting his teeth, going to see the players,

then tapping him on the shoulder saying, it's OK, mate. I can see that happening for some reason. There are other players, I think. So anyone we can see trudging back from the penalty spot with a gloomy expression, we shouldn't have. Obviously, you're seven or you don't know. We can't see them at all. Well, we should have Ledley King,

because I don't think he's capable of trudging anymore without picking up a major injury. That's true. I think he has to lope. That's the only option he has left on the walking front. I was at a showbiz wedding over the weekend. And I was speaking to Jamie Redknapp, who's a very lovely man. Oh, yeah.

And here's a reason, here's a strange reason to include Scott Parker in your squad. Louise Redknapp, who I always think of just as Louise. She said that she doesn't know... I think of her as Old Ma Redknapp. Old Ma Redknapp. Surely that is Harry Redknapp's wife, whoever she might be. I don't know. I have met her, actually. She was very sweet. She said that she was

very much hoping that Scott Parker gets included in the squad, because her best friend is Mrs Parker. I don't know who Mrs Parker... Mrs Parker suggests to be a very old Ma Parker type Parker person. Mark Parker was actually a famous gangster wasn't she? I've no idea.

But old Mark Parker is her best friend and if Scott gets included in the squad, the Red Nats will be going to South Africa to spend some time with them. Is that right? Yeah. If not they're not going to go. Because Sky haven't got the World Cup and so Jamie who's a pundit on Sky can't go. Well,. Because Sky haven't got the World Cup and so Jamie who's a funder on Sky can't go.

Well you say Sky haven't got the World Cup but I think there has to be some payback for Rupert Murdoch's empire supporting the Tories in the previous election. So I think that it'll suddenly be announced by David Cameron that in fact ITV and

BBC have lost the World Cup and it's going to be exclusively on Sky. And also, everyone has to have a dish and the money for it is removed at source from their wages. But surely Nick Clegg will speak up against that as part of the coalition and say we can't possibly have this and then be ignored. I think he'll... It'd be great if that's what rips apart the coalition.

David Cameron will do the speech with his hand physically over Nick Clegg's mouth. That's what I think. Yeah. Well think well anyway that's why they want Scott Parker to go but I can see him trudging back from the penalty spot also what about the fact that the wags are only allowed to spend one day a week with the squad so if Mar Parker

goes she's going to be kicking her heels for six days a week are they only allowed to spend one day is that right that's Fabio's rule. What do you make of the disciplinarian element of Fabio Capello?

Well, he's slightly... As we speak, Fabio Capello's been disciplined himself, has he not, for the Capello index? And on which you were rating players. That's the thing. So the players could have gone on the web and discovered that Capello was rating them

4 out of 10. But I think the main issue with it was not really that, but the fact that it was an online gaming site at the same time, wasn't it? And as far as I can make out, the general sense in the press, to be honest, is, well, we thought he was this disciplinarian, we thought he was this incredible figure,

but really he's just turned out to be an Italian. Right. That seems to be the sense. The minute that anyone is involved in something which is money-making and not entirely above board, they're Silvio Berlusconi. Oh, I see. Yeah. Well, surely he would have been exposed by Lord Treisman.

He's got a mouth on him. You know what? Of course I feel exposed by Lord Treisman. He's got a mouth on him. You know what? Of course I feel sorry for Lord Treisman. Because, you know, he was chatting to a lovely girl, Melissa Jacobs. It's a very Jewish story, because Lord Treisman is Jewish. Is that her name, Melissa Jacobs? I don't know who he was chatting to. Yeah, yeah. I assumed it was the fake shake.

No, it wasn't the fake shake. What happened to the fake shake. No, it wasn't the fake shake. What happened to the fake shake? Well, I think, after a while, rather like, you know, Borat or whatever, people think, oh, we know this bloke's a fake. Anyone in authority approached by a man in a headdress saying, we will give you things if you come to Saudi Arabia, should probably know by now. Yeah.

Yeah. So simply with the fake shake, I think, he had to retire because too many people knew that any kind of sting was him. So now, Lord Treason has been done just by essentially a bird he was trying to chat up. I don't think you can say that.

No, I can say that because he's admitted that but nothing else happened between them. Oh, okay. So it's a bird he failed to chat up. It was described in the Times, I believe, as a man just talking big to a woman in a restaurant. And he didn't get anywhere. Was he barking up the wrong treesman?

He might have been. I feel sorry for Lord Treesman. But I'm thinking, was he right? All we have to think about, no-one seems to be examining this, was he right that, is it Spain he suggested will be... Spain and Russia, he thought, didn't he? Well, Russia he suggested were in cahoots

not a word I often use, with Spain, because Spain were trying to bribe referees at the next World Cup, and Russia were what, going to turn a blind eye to that or something in order to get their bid in in order to get votes from Spain. It was something like that, yeah. No one said, well hold on a minute, does this mean that Spain

actually do do that? No one's actually questioned it at all. Yeah, also, Spain, aren't they the best team in the world? Why are they... Well, we thought they were the best team in the world. It turns out they've been driving referees. If you get every decision, it's going to help, isn't it? Yeah. Can we say that?

Why not? Lord Treisman, didn't he? He didn't get into any... Oh, actually, he did. I don't think you can be sued by Spain, can you? Can you be sued by Spain, me and you, versus Spain in court? That would be a great court case.

Yeah, because we'd have to bring up a few other things, like you've been very bad at sunburn, I think, all day. I don't think we're going to go over that. Ballfighting, we could question that, the legality. That's true, yeah. I was in Spain with my ex-girlfriend and she got food poisoning and I had to go to a nun's hospital with her.

She was absolutely true. And the nun was trying to ask her about her stomach. And she kept on saying this word, which was deposition. And it became clear after a while that it meant diarrhoea. And the poor nun, because we didn't get it, had to actually mime diarrhoea. Oh, no, you don't want to do that for a woman of the cloth. No, you don't want to be a woman of the touching cloth. No, exactly. Oh, no, you don't want to do that for a woman of the cloth. You don't want to be a woman of the touching cloth.

No, exactly. Oh, that's terrible. And she got food poisoning in Spain. Janine, you'll remember her. She got food poisoning. Well, then we can take Spain to court. Yeah, no, that's what I'm talking about. When Spain take us to court, I will say,

what about the three weeks I was in a nun's hospital with my ex-girlfriend because she ate a piece of lettuce in Madrid and had terrible diarrhoea. Terrible deposition. It was awful. Leave this to me. I'll phone injury lawyers for you. This is exactly why they exist. The Deal in Skinner's

Absolute Radio Podcasts. So, obviously, Jamie Carragher's been recalled to the squad. Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? Sort of retro. Yeah. Well, I'm not sure it's that nice because Yeah, that's nice, isn't it? Sort of retro. Yeah. Well, I'm not sure it's that nice, because Cara, my autobiography, is a... That's a ridiculous thing to call your autobiography.

I know, I shouldn't have called it that. That is... J.B. Carriger's autobiography is just called Cara. Yeah. Which is hard to believe, isn't it? In his autobiography, I believe, this is, again, something i just read in the paper so i should check these facts because obviously the papers just make stuff up but i there are

all these quotes about how much he never wanted to play for england including i was never in love with playing for england in the first place um i wasn't giving up my football career or my ambitions when you have only england and then this one i like the most the liver bird mauled the three lions in the fight for my loyalties and obviously when i first read that i felt the suggestion was when you have Only England. And then this one I like the most. The liver bird mauled the three lions in the fight for my loyalties. And obviously when I first read that, I felt the suggestion was that the liver birds was a more important thing than three lions in his life.

Yes. And I know he's from Liverpool, but I was surprised that Jamie Carragher was such a big fan of that sitcom. Well, I don't know. I can see if you're not musical by nature that you might opt for a 70s sitcom over it. Yeah.

Don't take it personally. He might have liked the bit at the start when it goes, you're dancing, I'm asking, you're dancing. I can never quite get that right. It makes me go slightly mad when I think of it. Well, that's all right. Most of the people listening will never have heard of it,

so say anything you like. OK. The Liverbirds, for those of you who don't know, I believe most people who listen to this podcast will be 50-plus. There'll be a lot of people listening to this who don't know what Three Lions is. Don't get carried away with yourself. Or indeed, what Carra, my autobiography, is.

Although I know who Carra is, I'm sure. He strikes me as one of them. He's like one of those Liverpool players that you imagine does training in a woolly jumper and hangs around in the boot room. You know, he feels like he should be from the Shankly days. He's got that... I imagine he sort of smells of liniment. What is the smell of liniment?

It's very hard to reproduce on radio. You'll just have to trust me. OK. It also says, sitting on the England coach, which I presume is the actual vehicle, rather than on, say, Fabio Capello, or at the time it would have than on, say, Fabio Capello, or at the time it would have been Steve McLaren, was it?

Yeah, he never got the chance to sit on Steve McLaren. Did he just sit on Sven-Goran Eriksson? He tried to sit on him, and Steve McLaren put up his umbrella. Sitting on the England coach, as it prepared to drive us away from the World Cup in Germany, I received a text message, and there's a swear word here. I don't know if we're allowed to swear on the podcast or not. I'm sure we aren't. Actually, he spelt it wrongly. He spelt it wrongly anyway.

He spelt it the way that they spell the French Connection T-shirts. You know? Oh, I see. So, F-C-U-K-It. OK. It's only England. And presumably that means that the culture that Cara moved in was one that didn't care that much.

I don't like the sounds of that. He sounds like he might be one of the Phil B. Burgess and McLean Russian spies. I'm hoping, presumably, that something has changed in Carra. I'm only going to refer to him as Carra from now on. That something has changed in him

and that he will feel differently about England. I don't know if that's a conversation that he would have had with Capello. If Capello would have read Carrow my autobiography and said, look, I want you to play on the back four, but what about these sentiments, these anti-English, pro-Liverpudlian sentiments? I think that Fabio Capello probably gets text messages that say it's only England two or three times a week.

Yeah. In Italian, obviously. Yes, I know. And he laughs quietly to himself. So many of you will be tuning in to know what Baddiel and Skinner's Legends 11 is. So, shall we say who we picked? Yeah, OK.

In goal was Gordon Banks, safe as the banks of England, as he used to be. Yeah, and then in defence we had Franz Beckenbauer, the Kaiser from Germany, Roberto Carlos of Brazil Paolo Maldini of Italy and Paul Breitner of Germany. And in midfield we had Johan Cruyff

Bobby Charlton, Zinedine Zidane I mean it's a ridiculously attacking team isn't it? Because up front we've got Eusebio of Portugal Maradona of Argentina and Pele of Brazil. Where's the holding midfielder? I think that would have to be Bobby Charlton under that system. He's a very versatile player, however.

Yeah, but he's going to get no help. There's not going to be much running back from that lot. What are we talking about? Some of them are in their 60s, for a start. Anyway, if you'd like to send us an email, then go to absoluteradio.co.uk slash The Deal and Skinner. And that'll be doable. The Deal and Skinner. And that will be doable.

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