The Frank Skinner Show - Baddiel & Skinner - Live Show 2

Episode Date: June 22, 2010

Frank fans - we thought you'd like to hear David and Frank's live show from South Africa

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Hi, Frank Skinner fans, this is Christian O'Connell from the Absolute Radio Breakfast Show here, letting you know that Frank's not here right now. Lucky so-and-so, he's in South Africa with David Baddiel, doing their brilliant World Cup podcast, thanks to Sony Ericsson.

They're also doing a weekly live show on Absolute Radio. And here's a special podcast of that show. Show two. Enjoy. Baddiel and Skinner's Absolute Radio podcasts. Thanks to Sony Ericsson. Official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Yes, indeed. It is Frank Skinner. And it's David Baddiel.

And we are absolutely live with all the mistakes and everything from South Africa. And we are still very, very, very, very confident. Without wishing to look back in anger, we were at England-Algeria. Yeah, we were at England-Algeria. Someone else who was at England-Algeria, you've probably read about this by now, is a bloke called Pavlov's Joseph. And, because he went into the changing room, and

I saw pictures of him, he looks a tiny bit like me. Insofar as he's a sort of fat swarthy, could be Greek, could be Indian bloke, wearing an England top, so that obviously could be me. But it wasn't me, it was Pavlov Joseph, who is a mortgage broker. He's not a thug.

He's a mortgage broker. Well, he must have a few, Bob. I hear that John Terry charged him ten grand for that personal tour of the dressing room. Yes, did he get to see Didier Drogba in the jacuzzi? Not this time. Not this time. But today, just to bring the story up to date, he's been barred from attending by one of the FIFA courts

from attending any more the FIFA courts, from attending any more World Cup matches. Any more toilets. Any more toilets or World Cup matches. So it makes me wonder if someone couldn't trick Emil Heskey into accidentally going into the wrong dressing room, because that might mean that he's barred. You see what I'm saying there. No, it's hard on Heskey, who has played well.

But here's the thing about Pavlos. I actually read his... He sold his story. Fabulous that you could just wander into a toilet, then next you know Max Clifford is on the line. It's like being George Michael. Yes, really. But Pavlov said, the first thing he said, he was trying to meet his two cousins and their dad. And I quote, we'd arranged, Pavlov said,

we'd arranged to meet at a certain lamppost on the stadium concourse. That sounds like John Terry's dad. It sounds a bit like George Formby to me we've we can tell you that it's very crowded coming out of the grounds here so arranging to meet at a certain lamppost is quite a stupid idea anyway you need more distinguishing marks than that and did he think the lamppost was um in the england dressing room toilet well no he because obviously that it wasn't a good place to meet. He asked for a dog toilet. Is that what they're confused? Yeah. No, they didn't

turn up, his cousins, and so eventually he started to need to go to the toilet. Ain't that cousins? So he made his way back to the ground, at which point he was directed, of course, to the England changing room, because presumably people thought, well, they've played like they're in a toilet, so we'll direct him there. And he went there, and

the first thing he says he said i saw joe cole walk naked out of the shower he glanced at me and then did a massive double take now joe cole's got a very big head so i presume any double takes pretty massive what was he doing having a shower what was he doing have a shower this is the point i want to raise does joe cole have a shower even when he hasn't played is he just that hygienic or in fact when the england players said they saw someone they didn't recognise in the dressing room, I thought it was Joe Cole. Yes. Well, certainly Fabio

has no idea who he is. What if Theo had turned up? What if it had been him? You know the bit at the end of the Britain's Got Talent final when the dog act thinks they're in the first three and they hang around on stage? That was terrible. And Antetek has to say, can you go out back? I was never sure at that point whether it was the dog who'd led the woman there or the woman just thought she was inidek has to say, can you go out back? I was never sure at that point whether it was the dog

who'd led the woman there or the woman just thought she was in the top three. Well, can you go out back is the sort of thing you'd say to a dog. It's terrible. But Pavlos kept going. He saw David Beckham. David Beckham said, who are you? Brilliantly. Pavlos said, well, I'm Pavlos and I actually need the toilet. Which, I don't

know if anyone's ever said anything like that to David Beckham. Not for many years. Anything, anything as straightforward as that. Madden-Ars would have been completely in his rights to ask what David Beckham was doing in the England dressing room. Yeah, he would have been. So then there was this moment, which I'm sure you've all heard about, where he said, you know, you all played woefully and we want our money back. And he does say they all looked a bit embarrassed. I imagine they all looked a bit frightened is what he was mistaking, I think,

them looking embarrassed or just being frightened. Because England footballers, they don't get to meet normal fans normally. They would have no idea who this bloke was and what he was doing there. But then, the bit I perhaps like most is FIFA have been looking for this bloke for about a day and a half before they found him, brought him to justice at one of the FIFA courts.

But he was actually led out of the dressing room by a FIFA official, and Pavlos, who's obviously a bit of a good mortgage broker, gave this FIFA official his card. Did he really? He actually gave him his card, in case he obviously needed any good deals, and nonetheless FIFA were looking for him for a day and a half to bring him to justice. Well, they get a lot of business cards, to be fair.

He does actually also say that he's still behind the lads, and he's prepared to offer the lads any good mortgage deals if they want, and some of them won't be getting the bonuses they expected, so they might be interested. Well, it's a lovely ending to that story. Yeah, definitely. So, one thing we were wondering about is what happens if we draw with Slovenia? Yeah, well, if we draw with Slovenia... And America draw as well.

Yeah, well, then we will be on the same points. draw with an america draw yeah well then we will be on the same points and if we get a certain amount of goals they get certain goals it is possible that we will be on the same goal difference as well and i i checked the fifa rule book there's a rule book for the 2010 i don't have it's online but you can presumably buy it any fifa sponsored outlet a bit nice thing on the shelf next to the rothman yeah exactly and uh so the official rule book states then you have to go to a head-to-head result well obviously that was a draw two between england usa so then the results come and this is page 41 article 30 they would be determined by drawing of lots by the fifa organizing committee now i'm interested in this when they actually do that is that going to be like a game? Will fans be invited?

Will they be allowed to drape the organising room with flags that say Hen and Chicken's Berkhamstead? Will they be cheering as our balls come out? Because it should be. It's like a big result. It's a big game for us. Could you get to the stage where if it was like nil-nil with three minutes to go, that one team might be playing for lots? Yeah. It's possible. It hasn't happened for a long time now.

In 1954, in Rome, it happened, and the person who drew the lots was a blindfolded 14-year-old boy, which sounds a little bit suspect to me. It's so fabulously symbolic. Yeah, indeed. Now I presume it'd be introduced by Dale Winton and someone like Carol Smiley would draw the balls out of that. Well, I'm glad you've revived Carol Smiley's career.

You know, the balls will be little balls. They still do that thing like they used to do in the old days when Ted Kroker used to get the balls out the back. So it will be little balls. I presume they'll be Jabulandis. So they'll fly out the back. Well, what would you do? What do you mean, what would I do? Instead of drawing?

I think I'd have a fist fight between Bob Bradley and Fabio Capello. A bare-knuckle fist fight. Oh, dear. I think that's better, isn't it? Fairer. I'd like to know, actually, what our listeners would do, if there's a better method.

I have an idea, which I think could really work. Not a silly idea. Tell me the idea. Well, I think we have to go into the next bit, but save it, because I think it could be a football-changing theory. ...with the coaches, and it turns out actually, my brother and a couple of our

mates had just seen him walking into a hotel, and they shouted for him and tried to follow him to see whether it was definitely him, and he turned around and looked, and then picked up his pace and walked into the hotel. So it turns out that he might not actually have gone home, as everyone thinks, like it's been suggested, and he might actually still be around,

which is quite interesting, especially seeing as the France squad seem to have gone on strike and don't seem to be training at the moment so if we thought that england have got problems then france really have got problems at the moment the sony ericsson fly on the ball update thanks to sony ericsson official mobile handset of the 2010 fifa world cup but deal and skinner's podcasts from South Africa. So here's my idea, right? Yeah, that's what I wanted to hear. Get rid of the lots.

This is serious. Okay. Now that you've got big screens at all the grounds, why can't, say if England and America end up absolutely tied on goals and everything else, why can't there be a penalty shootout with England taking them at one ground and America taking them at their ground after their respective games? Right. And it beamed live onto the big screen.

So when you're at the ground, you watch England take it and then you look up and America take it on the big screen. Well, it's a good idea, except for one small reason. It involves England taking penalties. Well, I didn't say that we'd get through. Oh. But it's better than having lots. Actually, England players have been saying, no, no, I like

the lots. Lots is a great idea. Let's stick with lots. Well, that was my idea. If you've got any better ideas, or even any stupid ideas, do text us on 81215. In fact, if you want to say anything or ask anything about the FIFA World Cup, as I'm going to call it now. Yeah, do call it that.

Then do text us on 81215. We've had an email, Frank. That's tremendous news. From Sludger Brown, who says, this is about last week's show. Interesting you saw Trevor Francis walking past your booth. I should say, for anyone who didn't listen to last week's show, that we're in a kind of shopping centre in a booth,

and people walk past all the time. But they're mainly people we don't know. Of course. But one of them was Trevor Francis, who we do know. And he waved, but he didn't stop to say hello. He didn't stop, but it was still at a quizzical moment. Anyway, Sludger continues, I'm originally from Shepherd's Bush,

and on a visit back to London earlier this year, I also saw a Trevor Francis, he's suggesting it's more than one, walking around the Natural History Museum. When asked if he was Trevor Francis, he replied, yes. I then congratulated him on his career at QPR and thanked him. To this day, I was sure it was him. But to be honest, if he is seen in many more places around the globe,

we must suspect the worst and assume that Dr. Mengele has been up to his tricks again. It would be interesting to hear his accent. What Sludger is suggesting is that Dr. Mengele, the advisor Engel, you may remember from Marathon Man, I believe, has had plastic surgery and is going around as one of maybe many Trevor Francis. Well, in the Natural History Museum, it could have been animatronic. It could have been. An example of a 1970s man.

Yeah, if he fell over, I would have been sure it would have been Trevor Francis. Yeah, I'm not suggesting that Trevor Francis is a droid, if anyone's listening. Yeah. Here's an email. I say, here's an email. Who's that from? This is from Andrew, and he's keeping that vague. And he said, listening to the Scottish ex-player Craig Burley co-commentating on the Netherlands versus Japan match, I suddenly remembered how I used to wish that Craig would marry Hugh Grant's famous ex-girlfriend

so they could become Craig and Liz Hurley Burley. That's a brilliant notion. I love that. I just love the idea that Craig Burley might be in in any way with Elizabeth Hurley. Never mind the name thing. I'd just love to see those two people together. Who else could...

Is it another listener's email and text? Well, I'm just thinking if Liz Hurley... If only there was a footballer called Learning Centre. Yes. That'd be a great gag, but I don't think there is. What about in the day of the civil partnership, of course, as we live now, she could marry Diana Dawes. Yes.

And be early Dawes. Fantastic. I knew you'd come up with it. I relied on you. Or Ashley Cole could marry Cheryl. Cole? I know. Yeah, it didn't work.

It didn't work, did it? It didn't work. I forget now. Have we got time to talk about John Terry? Talk about anything you like. Because we should talk about John Terry. This is live radio. Who can stop us?

Yeah, the thing about the John Terry coup is that I'm no military historian, Frank, as you know. But if you're going to stage a big coup, a sort of putsch, then, in my experience, it's best not to tell the world's press about it beforehand. You know? I think that, you know, shows your cards too early, I'd have said. I think he can only have been talking to Mark Thatcher. That's my assumption. Well, also, he seems to have forgot, hasn't he, that he's not the captain anymore.

Yeah, he has forgotten that. I mean, who did Stephen Gerrard feel? Did he even know? I reckon you know that bit in soap operas when one of the characters says, oh, I'm just going to get some air. You know no one in the real world ever goes out to get some air.

I reckon that's what John Terry said and then he came back in and Gerrard said, you've got makeup on. What's that armband you see just slipped on? It's made Stephen Gerrard look a complete fool. Well, I don't know about that. But he was there, though, at the meeting that was called before this press conference. And the thing I most like about this meeting is that Terry told the world's press

that at the meeting was Lamps, Wazza, Aaron Lennon, Jammo, Crouchy, Jono, Jamie Carragher and Stevie. Now, what I'm particularly worried about is that Aaron Lennon and Jamie Carragher haven't got nicknames. How has that happened? Particularly Jamie Carragher, who, as we know, is Cara. Yes. What's he thinking about Tara? It doesn't sound like a great sort of summit meeting. No, I love it when he called them to order. Does it? I can't.

I can't. Anyway, look, we've discovered in the vaults of Absolute Radio a sort of a lost George Formby song. Isn't that great news? And it's not the sort of thing they'd normally play on commercial radio, admittedly, but they have given us permission to play it. It's quite short, but you'll soon get the words and just feel free to sing along. If you're in your car or anything, just go

for it. I went to a World Cup football game, blowing on me voo-voo zaila. I blew till breathless I became, blowing on me voo-voo zaila. I couldn't breathe, I had to wheeze,

I felt so faint and ill at ease. I was found with my head between my knees, blowing on me Vuvuzela. I went out in Johannesburg, blowing on me Vuvuzela. To a place where scary people lurk, blowing on me Vuvuzela. A man jumped out with a great big knife He said that he would take my life Then he held up a picture of his wife Blowing on me Vuvuzela I went off to see England play Blowing on me Vuvuzela

I blew and blew and blew all day Blowing on me Vuvuzela A man in front was an overjoyed He said stick that somewhere He was very annoyed Oh, it's turned out nice again, hasn't it? Just one more thing about John Terry, which is news hot off the press today. Oh, yeah? but nicely connected. Just one more thing about John Terry, which is news hot off the press today, which is that the ref for the game, for the Slovenia game, is a ref called Wolfgang Stark, a German with a very German name,

Wolfgang Stark. That's because he's German. Yeah. And Terry was very critical of Wolfgang Stark because he refereed the Chelsea-Inter Milan game when Chelsea went out. He actually publicly criticised him, so that's another bad thing.

One thing I did find out by going to this ref's website on FIFA is that his occupation is he's a banker. Now, if I was a ref, that's the job I wouldn't go for, I think. Well, at the moment. Yeah, I think you just, well, that too. It's two levels of unpopularity. Exactly, and it plays into the crowd's hands, I think, that particular

thing. So, we've had loads of emails about your suggestion. Do you mean texts? We've had texts and emails, yeah. On 8-12-15, is that what you're saying? Yeah, on 8-12-15. A lot of people... What about my penalties idea?

I like your penalties idea, but a lot of people say who would go in goal, because you're presumably meaning at the end of the respective games you just have a penalty shootout. Who's going to go in goal? Well, that's easily done why don't people think these things through all you do is you send your third choice goalie to

that game ah that's a that's great rob green you mean well is he the third choice well who knows what choice he is these days yeah but you could send rob green he'd probably be glad of a bit of downtime so so what about the old the french revolution the french revolution as they call Glad I have a bit of downtime. So. So. What about the French Revolution? The French Revolution, as they call it. Yeah, well, that's a proper revolution, isn't it? We've had a sort of rubbish, because, of course, England, Britain's never had a revolution. No.

In our history, but the French, they're queen and king of revolutions, so they've done it properly. With Anelka storming off. It's a very French revolution, because Dominesh had black hair up until this weekend. Yeah, and it's gone. He's had a Marie Antoinette special. Yeah. And I'll tell you what I did like, is that the training coach today

apparently had another huge row with Patrice Evra, and in disgust, he threw his accreditation on the training pitch. Did you see that? This is a thing you need to get into places at the World Cup. Well, not necessarily. Not with the security people. Not if you're Stavros Davros.

Yeah, yeah. Stavros can go anywhere, apparently. Exactly. He's got a freedom of the World Cup. But he took it off and in a big French gesture, he threw it down on the pitch. Which, you know, I might go and try and find it. Because we haven't got accreditation. No, that is true.

I like the fact that Nicolas Anelka called the manager a son of a whore. I love that. I love the fact that other countries still have kind of Shakespearean insults. Yeah, exactly. We don't have that anymore. We'd have said something very just crude and simple, but son of a whore is good. I think he did say something crude and simple because he's been playing in England for a long time. Yeah.

And then followed it with son of a whore. How did he know? I bet Dominesh wishes he'd never did that. Who do you think you are? Exactly. It all came out. I read up a bit on, it was in the South African papers about players getting sent home, and it has the usual Roy Keane

and Willie Johnson and all that, but my favourite was Jean-Joseph Ernest, who played for Haiti in 1974. Or is it Haiti? They call it nowadays. He became Haiti's most famous footballer for the wrong 1974. Or is it Haiti, they call it nowadays. He became Haiti's most famous footballer for the wrong reasons. After becoming the first player to fail a doping test, he was beaten up by Haiti team officials before being sent home.

By the officials? Not by the team. Not by the team? We're talking about men in ties and blazers lying into him. A fabulous sort of clockwork orange. That's terrible. You know, I think we top the league, though. Great Britain tops the league, I think, for people being sent home.

Because it's Willie Johnston and someone else. I can't remember. But also it's Graham Pohl. We have an official who's been sent home. Well, Roy Keane was sent home. Roy Keane, that's the other one. He's not Great Britain. Well, he sort of is.

South Africa had two sent home in 1998. Did they? Yeah, who broke the curfew. Were they beaten up by the team? Were they by the team's officials? No, no, I don't think so. That was 1974. Times were different then.

I think you'll agree. So, yeah, it was an odd thing altogether, the French thing. And I noticed that John Terry in his, let's call it his press conference, he said that, he said, oh yeah, he's a good lad, he said, Nico. Did he say that? Nico, he called him. It was very Chelsea, the whole press conference.

Yeah, and he's not a good lad, isn't he horrible? Isn't his autobiography called something like, genuinely called something like, it's everyone else's fault, not mine? Is it really? I think it really is called that. I mean, my French isn't the best, so I don't know what that is in French.

It might be something completely... But that, I think, is Nicholas Anelka's autobiography and also his epitaph. You'd have think Graham Taylor would have nabbed that. Yeah, he would. No, I was once voted by the Daily Mirror the level equal greediest man in the world with Nicholas An Elke.

We shared number one spot. Really? Did you call anyone the son of a whore? No, I didn't. It was all about asking for big money. I remember that Imelda Marcos was fourth. Anyway, we've had a number of interesting replies to what they should do instead of drawing lots if England and USA end up tied. And the second prize goes to Rob of London. Don't suggest the surprise. Oh, well, just in my mind. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's a Rob of London who suggests that jousting would be the best thing. I think we'd have an advantage there because America, I don't think they have any history of jousting at all. Not much. But the one I like most...

The great thing about jousting, he could just be Peter Crouch on a horse with his leg out. He could just be the joust held by someone else. Is it called a joust? Is that what that thing's called? Surely that's what it's called. A stick. I'm happy with that. And John, just calls himself John, says, hey, Frank and David, forget drawing lots.

This is a little bit sexist, but I still like it. Let's have a wag off. Team with the fittest wags. And then he's put, in brackets, this is what I like, as judged by an independent panel, go through to the next round. Now, who would be on this panel? Julian Morley. Sepp Blatter. Some FIFA element to it.

John Terry. John Terry, although with that... He's very hands-on, I find, as a judge. Yeah, but I think he'd be biased, because he'd been involved with all of them, so it's not going to work. I have to say it's a bit of a sad day today in the World Cup, because we saw the departure.

I know they've got a game left, but North Korea are... I'm not going to call them North Korea, I'm going to... The People's Republic. No. The Democratic Republic. The People's Democratic Republic of Korea. It is a shame. I had such a soft spot for them. I loved them.

I'll tell you what was very sad for them, is that, as you may know, there was a big fuss in that country about whether or not they would play the games live. They didn't play the first game live, but they did really well against Brazil. They played 18 hours later, didn't they? Yeah, 18 hours later, and so it was a big, you know... If that's a good edit, they probably won it.

I'm sure it was edited in Korea. But then they had a groundswell of support from God knows where in Korea, and they said, let's do the next one live. They lost 7-0 to Portugal. The first live football I think they may have ever had in that country, including a comedy goal from Cristiano Ronaldo. I'm sure ITV must have been involved in that decision. Definitely.

It must have been. I sort of admired them today though because although they got hammered they played incredibly defensive in the first game against Brazil. In fact they played one up front against Brazil. I think that was his name. But today they flowed and attacked

and thought no, no, let's break the mould and then they got hammered. I think the dear leader had actually said we've got to play exciting football because I think he was bored with the way they played. You may know that the dear leader... Some people think he's dead. And he's not dead. He's the only...

Don't say that. He's the only person in Korea who's allowed to have the internet. So how does he work with chat for him? Does he just talk to himself on Korean internet? He's a bit rubbish. He's the only man with internet, isn't he? Also, all that access to advertising. By now, you'd think he'd have gone to Specsavers.

There is a rumour that he's dead. There was a picture of him at a civic function thing. And he was dead? And it was an outdoor event. And he was the only person in the picture with no shadow. So he's either dead or a vampire. A vampire, yeah. Come on, England.

Can I say it now? Go on. Come on, England. Come on, England. Can I say it now? Go on. Come on, England. Come on, England. Good day to you. The Dale and Skinner's Podcast from South Africa. Thanks to Sony Ericsson, official mobile handset of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Capture, view and share in HD quality with the new Sony Ericsson V-Bass. We'll see you next time.