The Frank Skinner Show - Baggage Retrieval

Episode Date: January 30, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had his Birthday and Emily’s had a tooth extracted. The team also discuss golf umbrellas, lidos and childhood chores.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's the basics. Morning. Good morning. show by the absolute radio website that's uh the basics morning good morning it's uh it's very rainy outside in golden square here in central london a large conurbation in southeast england sure is but so we're all cozy we're all snug and cozy We're all Nicholas Sarkozy. Oh, that's good, Frank. Who I believe shares my birthday.

He does. Because, you know, we talked a bit about my birthday last week, but it's actually happened now. But because Faye, who also works on the show, we have to put her in another room now, so she doesn't cough on us or something. She has the same birthday as me, and she pointed out that Nicholas Sarkozy also

I like that shared birthday the one I always think of is I don't know if Faye's aware of this is that St Thomas Aquinas has the same birthday as me she doesn't look like she's aware of it I'm looking through the glass no they don't

you know I find that with the kids nowadays they're not interested in Tommy's birthdays. He's not as big. He's not a sort of big... He doesn't feature in the 3am columns. No, he's not like Stormzy. No. No.

Frank, as it's 2021, I'd like to kick off this morning with some Shane news. Can I explain? Shane is a... with some Shane news. Can I explain? Shane is a... I wrote two series of a sitcom in the early... I think in the 2010s. And that's not those seats behind the 250s at the cinema. It's the decade.

And the first series went out, so everything was lovely. We did a second series, all beautifully done and written by me and edited, and then it was never broadcast. Quite a shock. Sad first. The second series. So Shane 2, yeah.

So Frank often refers to the fact that Shane 2 is in a vault at ITV somewhere. Well, because I don't know of anyone, no other comic has ever said to me, oh, yeah, my sitcom has been hermetically sealed. I mean, maybe they, remember the old Blue

Peter time capsules? Oh, maybe. When they used to put, you know, watching. They put the master copy in there. Do you remember when they opened a couple of those? Oh, absolutely brilliant. Everything ruined. I blame Les Ferdinand. He did the garden, then he set about the time capsules.

Well, we had a previous reader suggesting that Shane 2 had been pardoned by Trump. Yeah, very good joke. And this week, Dylan Freestone has got in touch from Lincoln to say, Dear Frank, Alan and Emily, after your recent discussion of the ill-fated series Shane, I took it upon myself to see if I could sample it. I watched the pilot episode and... Oh, what about those dots, Frank? It was excellent.

My particular... Misunderstood. My particular favourite joke... Don't worry, I've cleared this for blue content. It's fine. My particular favourite joke was when someone mentions Edgar Rice Burroughs... Yeah.

..with Frank's response, Does he? There you go, you see? It continues. That's not all. Tell him to get me some truffles while he's down there. I mean... Oh, I forgot it was that rich.

Award-worthy stuff. Here's hoping for Shane Series 2. Well, actually, this is very... Coincidentally, I put the telly on this morning when I got off. I suppose it was about 6.30. And there was listings. And you know when there's a lot of short programmes on and they crunch more?

I could see Shane T. And I thought, oh, my God. And I went to and it was Shane the Chef, which I've never heard of, which I think is a children's TV show. I don't think they'd be putting it out at 6.45 in the morning, for goodness sake. Clashing with Thunderbirds, I'll go.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It is raining outside, and Alan was just expressing his antipathy to the umbrella. Oh, yes. As an accessory. And my partner, Kath, is also fiercely anti-umbrella. I think she might be even more hard-line than myself, which is uncommon.

Well, she hates them in others because she feels... I think she said to me once, you might as well just carry a TV aerial down the road. Well, she hates them in others because she feels, I think she said to me once, you might as well just carry a TV aerial down the road. Oh, yeah. And also, when I go out and it's raining, I take an umbrella, she will deliberately walk outside of its circumference, its radius.

That's an impressive amount of stubbornness. Yeah. Well, she's not low on stubbornness, generally. I'd give her that. Can I add to... Can I throw my own hat in the ring here and say... Unless it's an umbrella hat. Oh, yeah, you love those.

I've lost enough money on those. I also don't like the umbrella. Yay! I'm with you on that. Really? I find it a very primitive instrument. It is. Very similar technology to the tent, if you really think about it.

Well, that's why I dislike it. You know my feelings on a tent, or you can imagine, presumably. I mean, it is really like mobile camping, isn't it? I mean, is that a bad thing? Sell us the umbrella, Frank. You seem like, if you're such a fan. Well, it keeps you dry when it's raining. That's the main thing.

I also, what I tell a like well it keeps you dry when it's raining that's that's the main thing i also what i tell a like about it is you if you picture it's a certain angle it hides you um but you can see like who's coming and who's about it's a nice way it's yeah it's a nice yeah you can keep it nicely in the street the only umbrella umbrella I've liked is the golfing umbrella. Oh, too big. Massive. Stunning. I love those.

And pied as well. Always pied. And now, now, I like a little fold-up in the trousers. I had a golfing umbrella once. It was lovely. I love this anecdote's beginning. Where's it going to go? Well, I had it and I...

So, I had a golfing umbrella once and I said to my wife... I'd been given it at a corporate event. Of course you did. Oh, brilliant. And I was using it and I was with...

I'm going to have to do a name drop. I don't know if we have a sound for this. Some sort of jingle. I'll see if I can... If you hunt for one... Anything that's... I'll say the name whilst you hunt for it.

OK. So I had it in the back of the car, and it was a big old... It was a big old GU. And I was using it. It then started raining, and I was with Gary Lineker. Good stuff.

I'm not sure about the ending. I quite like it. A little bit of afters. I quite like the afters. And I used it for him to hold it aloft. I mean, you know. I should think he's ever at home with a golfing umbrella. He looks so right with it.

I met him at a baggage retrieval. Is it retrieval? Reclaim. Reclaim. Yeah. I prefer retrieval. If anyone's listening from the major airlines, I give that a bit of a thought.

I hear people in signage. So I was at baggage retrieval and I bumped into Gary Lineker and he was waiting for his enormous set of golf clubs. Oh, was he? I just got back from the Algarve or somewhere.

Oh, Portugal's big. But you know what? Because it was Gary Lineker, I felt that big, smart, posh golfing umbrella, I felt I had to sort of offer it to him. I said, oh, you can have that. What, because of the ears?

No. Oh, God. No, because it felt like he deserved it. It felt like it belonged with him. Because he's the sort of person that would golf. It just felt more befitting to him. Anyway, I had to, I couldn't, and he said, oh, okay. A couple of times when I've been in the company of Gary Lineker,

and it may have happened at that airport because we were chatting for a bit because his golf clubs were delayed. Occasionally, I say to him, can I just stop and say, you do know there's part of me thinking, oh, my God, it's Gary Lineker. Sometimes you've just got to tell them. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, we've got some breaking news on the text form here.

Don't tell me I've just gone missing. No, not this time. 091, hi Frank, Emily and Alan. Nearly three years ago, Frank became an on-air doula for my sister Amy when she gave birth I remember that to baby Jude

well my sister-in-law Sarah is giving birth and it goes to caps right now to three exclamation marks could Frank offer her

some encouragement or has he retired his medical skills now he's reached 64 as an aside the baby's father Ian shares his birthday with Frank

and of course St Thomas Aquinas. Of course. Praise redacted. Okay, here goes. Push. God. Good skill.

Push. Yeah, it's... Imagine if that was the first thing you heard in the world. Oh, man. I'd quite like it. That'd be great.

Good luck with that and, you know, breathe. Of all the jobs. I'd quite like it. That'd be great. Good luck with that and, you know, breathe. Of all the jobs I didn't expect to go online, douloring is one. And to be hoovered up by Frank Skinner. Douloring,

I'll tell you what I can get nowadays. Shane 2 didn't go out, I'm douloring. By the way, when you talk about, sort of, I said to the... Alan Hansen, when you talk about... Alan Hansen, when you talk about...

I said to the guys earlier that something was said... There was a very good... Last week... Let me just... Let's just rewind. Last week, I was talking about the fact that Bernie Sanders, the American guy, had got a large envelope, and if you zoomed, you could read what was on it.

And I love those stories in the paper when people zoom in on things that people are carrying. It's a regular. And I asked if any, but I asked with like three minutes of the show to go, which was absolutely ridiculous. But someone did send in a very formal, which I missed completely, which is on Paul Ince, the football, when he was a

manager, on Paul Ince's notebook. He was a manager, was he? Yes, he was. On his notebook, he'd written shoot. And I just missed that being read out completely. And I said to Emily, I'm sorry,

I think that was lost, in the mists of war. Or is it the fogs of war? Yeah. And if anyone out there knows the answer to that, I'm thinking they're fogs, it might be. So is it the mist of war or the fog of war? Fogs. I think it might be fogs. You don't often hear in the plural.

Is that your text? Mists of time. 8.12.15, fogs or mists? You choose. I also heard a lady on the news this morning when I was having my porridge saying that she was returning. She had stopped being part of international netball

to have a baby. And she said, I'm giving motherhood my full thing. She said, but I am, I still very much, I want to go back. I like being in a high class environment. And I thought, oh, that's a nice thing, isn't it? I mean, you know, I never really... I thought to myself,

how much time have I really spent in a high-class environment? I suppose she meant where everyone is really on it and really working together for a couple of days. Netball, surely. Yeah, the net, you know, England's, Britain's, sorry, netball, women's netball team is... Is there a men's netball sure yeah the net you know the England's Britain sorry netball women's netball team is is there a men's netball team oh I hope I haven't I think it's alright to ask that yeah the way I met the women's one at the um uh usually tedious sports personality of the year and uh they were they were striking group together very tall it was like if one landed on uh

the island of the amazons you know where wonder woman comes from i'm guessing that that's what you'd see like waiting for bosses is groups like that'm guessing that's what you'd see, like, waiting for bosses, these groups like that. I don't know what the bus service is like on the Isle of the Amazons, but you never know. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we had so many lovely birthday wishes for you coming through during the week,

including David Baddiel said on Twitter just been round to Frank Skinner's doorstep to wish him happy birthday he's 64 I do still need him but I'm not feeding him and that's final lovely he gave me his new book for my birthday nice Jews don't count Jews don't count, which you should read. I haven't started it yet, but it's imminent. Soon as I've got rid of Milton's political

pamphlets, that's next. Is that what you're working on? Is that what you're reading? Yeah, I'm reading for pleasure. Oh my goodness. How was your birthday? You know what? It was really lovely. I was saying to my co-birthdayer, Faye, that it's sort of, birthdays in lockdown are a bit more, they feel a bit more special. Because lockdown is a bit of a straight line.

Feels like it's a bit of ultra-edge, your birthday. Oh, yeah. You know when the line goes, doi-oi-oi? Mm-hm. It was... I had people turning up with, like, flowers, presents, text. Adrian Childs turned up with, what's it called? Ghana Banush or...

Oh, Baba Ganush. Baba Ganush. Baba Ganush. Lovely. Yeah, it was a local mystic who lives nearby. She's good though. Yeah, she's very good. She embraced me

against all government advice. They don't go by the protocols. No, but you know what? I felt warm after. Are they impromptu visits, the birthday visits? Well, some were impromptu. Oh, how lovely.

David Baddiel said, I'll nip round after lunch, and then came at about 3.45. What a meal that was. It was more of a sort of Viking banquet, he must have been. Not only that, he missed out on the baba ganoush, I'm guessing. He did. Adrian Charles turns up on his motorbike with me baba ganush he also um he also he's like a deliveroo driver i'll tell you what adrian charles brought me he

bought me um one of clive tildesley you know clive tildesley the famous sports commentator football commentator yeah he um He has started reproducing. Do you know what commentary charts are? No. Commentators tend to produce their own little chart for each match, which tells you, you know when they say, oh, Dave Ellis on the ball now, his first game for the club since January,

he had a silicone implant or something like that. They've got it all down there and it's like they just know him. And they're tightly handwritten in multicoloured inks, like biro. Tiny little writing with all these details. And it's a game from, I think it was 2002. Anyway, it's West Brom winning at Wolves. And it's all the details of that. So he had that, it's framed,

Clive Tilsley's Sign the Back. The real thing, the actual one. Well, I think he must have reproduced it. He's really gone to town. How impressive. But it looks like a work of art. That's tiny, tiny writing. What a nice thing.

How can I put this? Football commentators are a certain type of individual. And tiny writing in multicoloured biros in many ways, I think, sums them up. But it looks beautiful. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. And Zero Six Oh was fascinated with the Clive Tilsley commentary chart,

so they've Googled them and they've found out what it costs. They're commercially available. Yes. I think they're from £20. Well, they found out. I Googled all my available yes i think they're from 20 pounds well they found out i googled all my gifts to see what they cost they found out what clive charges um i won't share that because it was a gift no it's fine and it's i think it's 10 quid extra for clive to sign the back that's very much what they've said, yeah. Frank knows already because he Googled. Well, I'm doing a great plugging job here for CT.

They ask, how much would you charge if, for example, you had a book for sale and offered a signed version? Would you just make it the same or...? Yeah, I'd make it the same. Good for you. Maybe a bit less in case they wanted to re-gift. Did you hear from R. Keith this birthday? Because R. Keith is going to be trending soon.

He's going to go viral because this week, I don't know if you know this, Al, but Kath's podcast, I Wish I Was an Only Child, Kath is my partner and she does a podcast with her sister, Rachel. The episode we've all, well, I personally have been waiting for my whole life, dropped this week. It's only Frank Skinner and Keith. Our Keith.

Yes, the current episode is me and our Keith being interviewed, which is... It's worth a listen, I have to tell you. It's a while back we did it. I don't really remember what we talked about, but someone said, I listened to your podcast. It actually physically made me cry, and I thought, that's what they said about Shane, too, at ITV. Yeah, so apparently it's quite sad as well as obvious that you learned, Rhys.

Well, Keith does make a great observation. He says, you know, our family were, he said, if we were rich, we'd have been called eccentrics. He said, but we weren't, so people thought we were weirdos well that's beautifully put but i got a lovely your your um your uh mother and yeah mother-in-law she was texting me and she was on the phone to our keith yes they're close you know yes it's it's... Cat's got her fingers crossed. Carry on. I mean, it'd be a development.

But, you know, I'm not having Boz having to say Uncle Grandad to anybody. It's all getting a bit Bill Wyman's family. It is, yeah. What... Did R Keith get in touch? You know what? He didn't, but apparently he tried to.

You can't say that in this day and age. In the 70s, you can say I tried. If you saw Keith's phone, you'd believe that that was a possibility. He said to me, the last time I spoke to him, he said, so it turns out people can send me photos on this. Oh, yeah. You don't say. What will they think of

next god bless him he's a very very funny man you should listen to the podcast he is this is

Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio this is still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran

you can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Bobby Talini has got in touch, Al. He says this was a great listen, talking about your podcast, that you and Keith on Cat's Podcast. I hope our Keith isn't going to be,

you know, spoiled by fame and become like, catapulted into the spotlight. hold your high horses because he goes on to say, Keith comes across as such a nice,

genuine black country bloke and the bit at the end choked me up a little. Yeah, I don't know what the bit at the end is but I'll check it out. He is,

he's all those things. There you go. But, you know, when you get the end is, but I'll check it out. He's all those things. There you go. But you know when you get the sort of, like, I think Billy Carter, the American President, had a brother. Jimmy Carter had a brother called Billy Carter, who was a bit of a drinker. Realised he'd got a bit of fame. Brought out Billy's beer.

Oh, nice. So Keith keeps his feet on the ground. We've had an update. 091 has texted. Yeah. Caps lock on. Update! Two exclamation marks.

Sarah has given birth to a baby boy. Two exclamation marks. Remember you were being an on-air doula again. Oh, fantastic. Thank you, Frank, for your doula work. Sarah is very grateful. No news yet on whether the baby will be called Frank dot dot dot or possibly Shane dot dot dot dot dot.

Imagine they call it Shane too. Well, you know what? Oh, that would be, I would love it if they did that. I'm going to apply this just for you. Congratulations and jubilations. That's enough Cliff for one morning. I bet I'm not the first person to say that. Oh, come on, Frank.

I love Cliff. Early Cliff is brilliant. I remember I did a gig and Hugh Cornwell of The Stranglers came on and just on an acoustic guitar played Cliff Richard B-sides. I mean... Wow.

Gotta love it. By the way, I've spoken a lot about Faye this morning, our assistant producer, a woman I barely know. You're very obsessed by this notion that you don't know her. I mean, what level of knowledge are you expecting? Do you know her because the socialisation of the show has changed? I think it is. Do I know her? Yes.

Okay, if I said to you if I could see any back... You know we're on air now. Okay, I'll go back to what I was going to say. She said this morning that I think she said she'd been to a Lido. Oh, yeah? Now, I would say Lido.

No. Would you? Is it Lido? Wasn't there a song? But then again, you say birthday and you say Star Wars. I do not say birthday. For, ow. Look. I mean, this is, are you really serious about this?

Can we check the tape on that? There was a song called Lido, which went Lido, whoa. Do you remember it? No. which went Lido do you remember it? no if anyone out there remembers Lido please let me know

I like it can I be honest I have never really known and so I tend to take your I tend to always defer to your wisdom on these matters I would have gone Lido well Al's more of a swimmer than me I tend to always defer to your wisdom on these matters.

I would have gone Lido. Well, Al's more of a swimmer than me. Lido or Lido, tomato, tomato, that sort of thing. Let's call the whole thing cold splash. Yeah, cold. Very cold. And people there watching you in the dressing room trying to get a celebrity anecdote. That's what I don't want.

Thank you very much. Anyway, Lido Lido, 8, 12, 15. We haven't heard Fogs or Mists, but this one feels to me like more of a goer. No information on Fogs or Mists thus far. Okay. I was talking about my birthday. You know what?

When I got up, my partner, Kath, and my eight-year-old son, Buzz, had decorated the whole kitchen. There was a cake with candles. Not 64 candles. That would have been dangerous as much as anything. But what they'd done on my 60th birthday, they'd bought some happy 60th birthday bonting. And what they'd done is Boz had drawn a number four,

cut it out and tucked it in the zero of the 60th. So it looked like it had fallen off a ship and someone had thrown it a lot. One of those life ring things. Lovely. Very cleverly done though. And I got some, I tell you one of the stars of the surprise gifts, a jar of Army and Navy sweets.

Do you know those? Oh, lovely. I've not seen those for a long time. I'm sorry, I mean no disrespect to our boys in the RAF. But sort out your confectionery. That's my advice if you want to plug. It's no good trying to claim those Sherbert flying saucers. I mean, they're not official.

Frank, we've had several people. Oh, the producer just... I've never seen her look so stern in my direction. No, no, she can be stern. And you know what? I quite like it Yeah, she can be stern There's no question about that Frank Skinner

On Absolute Radio I'll tell you what, Frank Your memory of that song Has really, if I may go into cliche It's really lit up the switchboard It really has Do we have an answer?. Do we have an answer? Yeah. Do we have an answer?

We've got several. Of course I remember Lido, Lido, Boz Skaggs. Oh, Boz Skaggs. He should have lived in Smethwick, Boz Skaggs, with a name like that.

Thank you to everybody who's told us that. Yeah, but they do say Lido on it. Of the people who've texted and established it. People aren't really. 937 has said, hi guys, it's pronounced Lido, and they've spelt it L-I-E-D-O-U-G-H, which I think is a good way of phonetically doing it. It's a goddamn lieder.

There used to be one at Peckham Rye. Never knew that. There's one near me where someone told me they saw Charles Dance in the nude. No. Really? Yeah. Result.

And lots of people loving the song. You say result. Well, if it was a perfect world, I'd have had him just in cowboy boots. Holy inappropriateness. I presume this was not actually in the lead-up. I think it would have been in the changing rooms. But, you know, he still looks good.

Do you know he's a handsome man? Yeah, plays the banjo as well um 806 has given us an answer oh yeah in the cowboy boots and wearing now 806 i think that their answer is given some credence by them the fact that they say in my youth i was an international swimmer so they should know and they say lyder as lyder l-y-d-o is the southern pronunciation lyder as in leader l-double-e-d-o is northern simple but unimportant they had oh you might you might think it's unimportant, fish boy. Or girl, I don't know which. But, you know, to us linguists, it's everything. You're in the Venn diagram as linguist now.

I suggest you read Robert Browning's The Grammarian's Funeral. Oh. That's what I suggest. I'll have a look at that. In mid-lengths, in between one of your lengths. That's what I suggest. We'll have a look at that. In mid-lengths?

In between one of your lengths? I was taught to swim partly by Karen Pickering, who was an international swimmer, I think a double world record holder. Worldy. She was a worldy. She's a worldy. And she got in the water with me one day so she could swim underneath me to study my technique.

Oh, that old line. But she didn't. No one else has ever tried it. I'll be honest with you. But she barely moved and still swam faster than me. It's just like a slight undulation of the shoulders. Wow. It's a real...

What shoulders? Oh, tremendous shoulders. I. And it's a real... What shoulders though? Oh, tremendous shoulders. I think she could have... I'm going... I would bet six parrots on one of her shoulders if they were shoulder to shoulder, wing to wing.

Do parrots have shoulders? Eight, 12, 15. Very slumped shoulders, the parrot. Oh, speaking of birds birds i am here you know sorry i thought i was just me and al sitting in a pub in in a copy of in an edition of the lightly lads speaking of birds um i had uh i had an interesting avian experience on my birthday, on what I would like to call my birthday walk. Oh. So I'll be back with that after this.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went out for a walk on my birthday with my partner and my son. Lovely. And I saw two magpies and I thought this is tremendous news. It's my birthday. Is it? A two for joy. Oh, is it?

So I thought this, obviously on your birthday, that reflects the whole year. I didn't have my magpie index card next to me. I can't always commit it to memory. Well, I remember because it was a children's TV show and they used the rhyme for their signature tune. Oh, yeah. The man with the slight Kevin Keegan hair, Mick Robertson, I believe. Yes.

And, yes. And Jenny... We'll get there. Yeah. Anyway, Tommy Boyd? Possibly. Oh, yeah. Still, so I thought, two, that two for joy. One for sorrow, two for joy.

So if you see one, you're supposed to salute as a get-out clause. You look a bit silly. Good to remember this, Al. Anyway, I then looked. They were everywhere. Oh. So I counted. There were seven magpies.

Wow. So I thought, right, what is this? Because I don't think I've ever seen seven magpies. Wow. So I thought, right, what is this? Because I don't think I've ever seen seven magpies together before. So one for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret never to be told. Oh. Is that what it is?

Not that helpful, is it? No. What do I get out of that? I mean, that is really what secrets are, isn't it? Well, also... Well, yes. Who... Oh, one of those secrets that are never to be told.

I like that secret. What it's saying, if I may be the magpie interpreter, is that someone will keep your secret. And I like that. I didn't get that. I got the feeling that the significance of seven magpies, the seven magpies you've just seen, you're wondering the significance of that.

Mind your own business. That's what I'm getting from folklore. One of those rare moments when folklore says, we don't really have anything to say on this. Oh, I see. You thought it was a direct answer i think it's it's left me nowhere i i've if i'd have just seen the two if i'd have turned them my heels after two that would have been a great great omen as it is i don't know what

they're offering the magpies annoying well frank we... Can I tell you, I also got from my management The Golden Age of Marvel, which is... You know the folio society that makes those stunningly beautiful books? It's like early... 1940s... Submariner and Captain America.

Oh, nice. Big, heavy... That was a decent whip round. That, nice. Big, heavy. That was a decent whip round. That's good. 150 quid. Oh, don't say you Googled it. Of course I did. You know you're saying this out loud.

Oh, yeah, but I'd say this show is based on, do you know you're saying this out loud? That's basically its brand. I'd say this show could actually be called A Secret Never to be Told. It's reality. One thing I would say about this show, I think that's the other night, is that because we're across the decade channels...

The producer's really laughing at you having Googled your birthday gift price. It's almost like it's a strange thing to do, Al. What about when Bob Monkhouse gave me a watch? I was at the... Where's your jingle? That's a big one. I was having lunch with Bob Monkhouse. Work with them all.

And I told him that I'd heard a tap, tap, tapping at my door, and it turned out I'd put my watch in the washing machine and it was just tapping at the window, saying, I'm broken, excuse me, I'm broken. And he said, oh, and he had an attaché case with him, an unusual thing to turn up for a casual lunch. He led in and took out, he used to advertise Seaco watches or something. Seconda. Seconda. So he had one of those

I suppose he had them all up and he gave me that. And I thought, Bob, really? He said, no, no, please take it. I was really delighted. There was a jeweller's just across the road. So I made sure he got in his car and gone off and then I went over there. 200 quid.

Brilliant. And he gave me a chance to do an old musical joke because the bloke said I said can is he could can you take the back off and make sure it's working okay he said well if I take them if I leave the back on you'll be able to swim in it I said that is really I can't swim nothing I've got nothing. I've got nothing from him. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

By the way, the 1940s Marvel facsimile thing, it's got those... Do you remember... I don't know if you... This is probably before your time, but comics sometimes... Thank you for that. The collar, the stamp of the collar doesn't quite hit the outline of the thing it's collaring,

so there's a slight overlap. When they first started having collar pictures in newspapers, there was a guy called Eddie Shah brought out a newspaper. Today? Yeah, and all the pictures were like that. They weren't quite... The collars weren't quite overlapping. It looks like, it's like looking at a 3D thing when you haven't got your glasses on.

But I love it. So boys, I have some dentistry tales. I went to the dentist this week. They're open then, are they, the dentists? Yes. Okay. For emergency work. I had to have a tooth extracted. Yikes. The dentist? Yes. Okay. For emergency work. Ooh.

I had to have a tooth extracted. Yikes. My second, it's not my first time at the extraction rodeo, let me tell you. My dentist is charming. He's called AJ. Oh. AJ? I wouldn't be sure about that.

You're sure he's a dentist rather than someone in a boy band or something? Yeah, he's like a flip-flops. When were you born? 1930. What sort of a name is that for dentist? It should be called Mr Gradgrind. He was... I mean, I had to have... So I've had two teeth pulled recently.

And I was thinking about this, actually. Who sits... I was trying to compare when... You know, I was trying to be humorous with friends because I like to, you know, bring that into their life. Only way to keep them. You know how it is. And I said, I look like...

They said, how are you? I said, I look like... And I was trying to think, who sits in the sort of toothless comedy chair? Because there's plug from the Bash Street kids, but they don't know this person. Shane McGowan, maybe? Does he sit in the funny...

That's who I was thinking of. I was once third in a worst celebrity teeth vote in the Daily Mirror. Stop boasting. And it was Ken Dodd, Cilla Black, me. Oh. So, who is in the... What kind of teeth... Because Rob Beckett would be in the big teeth.

He's got stunning teeth. But they're in great shape, his teeth. I've heard he looks like a Kennedy. Rylan. No, but they've all got good teeth. I'm talking about... Yeah, I was doing the opposite. I know.

I like that. There was one... I'll tell you who's got bad teeth. Sponge Bob Square about... Yeah, I was doing the opposite. I know. I like that. There was one... I'll tell you who's got bad teeth. Sponge Bob Squarepants has bad teeth. Has he got bad... I can't even picture his teeth. He's got two teeth hanging over his pants. Oh.

Oh, yes, he has. I think that might be to do with... If you were to love fruit sugar, it's more dangerous than people think. And, of course, I think if you remember, he lived in a pineapple under the sea. Right, and he only eats Krabby Patties, I believe. Yes.

I could have got that wrong. Why does he have his teeth directly over his underpants, though? It's disgusting. I'm sorry, I'm lying. Maybe he's unsure of the elastication, and that's a bit of insurance. I've been doing the same thing since I ripped my boxer shorts squatting. Oh, one of my favourite...

I've got to say, I would be... One of my favourite radio show anecdotes, that one. Oh. I mean, imagine if he turned up on a date, though, Spongebob. It's like, oh, he's got a square head. Yeah. He's got up on a date, though, SpongeBob. It's like, he's got a square head. Yeah. He's got only two teeth, and the two teeth he does have are hanging over his pants.

Massive, disproportionately big. Yeah. Short legs. There's nothing for going through. Can we stop body shaming SpongeBob SquarePants? Exactly. Because Shaqiri, who plays for Liverpool, might be listening to this.

He'll be in tears. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was telling you about my oral health-based relationship with my

dentist, AJ. Mm-hmm. And... How do you explain two teeth in quick succession? It's a long, boring story. It is to do with lockdown, because one was pulled. Oh, boy, sweet.

I had to... A pensioner in the 40s. Yeah, she thought the bowl was full of gobstoppers on her desk, and it turned out to be full bearings. Too many, too many Wothers originals. I thought they were gobstoppers. I wonder why they were clicking together on a sort of cradle construction.

As succinctly as possible, I will explain it by saying, tooth extracted. I'll do it in a Tom Chance way. Google it. Okay, now I remember. Chance and Amelia. Yes. He spoke in this note form way.

Tooth extracted. Lockdown. Delayed appointment. Yes. He spoke in this note form way. Tooth extracted, lockdown, delayed appointment, pressure on solo tooth. Ooh. I see. Result in crack. Two extractions. OK, so I've been dreading it because I don't like a tooth extraction. I've been putting it off. When I turned up, I did say to AJ, I said, I'm not going to lie. I was hoping you were going to call in sick today.

I said, I'm sorry, I've got to be honest with you. He was very laugh. He said, I know, I understand. I promise you it's going to be fine. So we sit down. Can I ask you a question? Is there, now, you know, I think morality, I'm happy with morality being set in stone,

but there's often little clauses and loopholes. I don't know what AJ looks like, but if AJ... Can I say, stunning? Well, there you go. If AJ had said, I'm just going to do it in a pair of chocker briefs... Oh, yeah. And then you won't be thinking about the extraction and the teeth thing. Would that have been morally acceptable because you think there would be more you know um magicians use this misdirection that make you look

one way so they're doing the trick you'd think wouldn't you that the dentist would do more of that give stuff to take your mind off what's actually happening i'm going to pull your tooth out on three and then they yank it on one and a half and you're not even expecting it. That sort of stuff. Do you know, it's funny you should say that because it leads me to my next point, which is I said to AJ,

AJ, would you mind putting some music on? Oh, okay. Because I think that would help me. But you were fine with him being in his underpants? By this stage, he had stripped. He said, of course, no problem, Emily. Whatever you like. What kind of music are you into?

It was feeling a bit like a date at this point. What sort of music are you into? I said, can I be honest, AJ? He said, of course you can, Emily. I said, I would far rather we went for your choice of music because it's imperative to me that you feel relaxed. You're operating at your best. What if it's a Girls Aloud song?

It reminds you of an ex. Yeah. And also, when you're in your pants, you want something to make you feel less self-conscious. AJ was not in his pants. I still think it's a reasonable thing. He had scrubs on. Could be an extra hundred quid, say,. AJ was not in his pants. Okay, I still think it's a reasonable thing. He had scrubs on. Could be an extra 100 quid, say,

and they do it in their pants. Extra 100 quid? If I was a dentist, I'd probably do it 100 quid cheaper if I could do it in my pants. Really? Yeah, just... AJ, I'm so sorry for listening.

Al, it's not like you to not be thinking about the heating bill. So anyway... So anyway, he's got... I'll do footballers' tents, dentist's tents. He's turned up, he's got I'll do footballers tents dentist tents he's turned up he's got his scrubs on

he's wielding the syringe he picked some music he said I'll put on I said we'll go for your choice he said yeah okay I'll put on my choice he didn't tell me

what it was going to be and suddenly as I sit down he's hovering with a syringe I'm about to expire with anxiety. I almost screamed. I actually think I went, oh!

Oh, wow. Suddenly, I hear... Hold it. I'm going to leave it there because we have to go. We have to go, but we'll come back to find out what AJ chose. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Follow the show, but don't follow leaders and watch the parking meters. Okay. Now, we left... AJ was just reaching for play on his apple music the dentist whilst emily dean i think the appointment was at 2 30 wasn't it i hope so so emily's in the chair do you know it was an evening appointment actually what yeah i love it i love a special evening appointment that's me too but i thought we were talking about the dentist i think that's probably you think about it the idea of leaving the dentist in darkness is a bit more frightening a bit less frightening than leaving

it in broad daylight and it turns out as i discovered when you've had a tooth extracted and your face is numb if you decide to get a a cab home on account of feeling it's probably not wise to drive, you will be perceived as a chronic alcoholic, unfortunately. However... I got on a bus once with a very... I could feel my face, you know, I'd had the... We used to say it was cocaine. I don't know what you're actually injected with.

It's Novocaine. No, they don't use Novocaine. There's another kind of cane, yes anyway when i said uh i love her true true queen said i knew there was my mouth wasn't right and i sat on the bus and people were staring two or three people stared i saw some nudging and i thought what's happened here is I've got a really swollen face. I look ridiculous. And when I got in and looked in the mirror, fluid had left my nose, made its way down past my mouth onto it. It was actually on my collar.

Drool. No, it wasn't drool. It's from the nostril. Oh. I'm sorry, everyone. Enjoy your breakfast. Shakespeare. So?

I thought Laurel and Hardy, when they said the same thing, would say Shakespeare, Longfellow, what goes up the chimney? Smoke. I don't know why. If anyone knows the origins of that Shakespeare, Longfellow thing when you say the same thing, I think people say Jinx, is it? Yes. Yes, they do.

If anyone knows the Shakespeare, Longfellow, it may have been Laurel and Hardy coined. Anyway, he reaches, we're still reaching for the music, AJ. What's he putting on? I'm in a chair, AJ is poised over me, wielding that syringe, and I'm blanching. Oh, yeah. I think I might have emitted, as I said, a small,

oh, God. Yeah. Do you know what I suddenly hear? Go on. No woman, no cry. What? No woman, no cry. Oh.

Do you think he was trying to Darren Brown you into not crying? Yes, I do. I said, AJ, this is a bit obvious, mate. I said, have you put this on on purpose and he was laughing he's got a lovely little sense of humour AJ that's one of the many things I love about him he said no Emily that was a coincidence

I promise I'm a massive reggae fan I love Bob Marley and that just came on it did calm me down well it certainly took me back to the government gardens in Trenchtown, which I think get name-checked early on in that. Oh, can't it?

See, I'm worried it would make him quite jolty on his work. Because when you listen to reggae, it's very hard not to do the intermittent... Yeah. And you don't want that. You don't want the needle in and then slightly out. I saw a surprise, probably never put techno on for that reason. Well, do you know what worried me a bit, though,

is that I was thinking, isn't this lovely? Maybe he has tailored this for me. It's bespoke, playlist for me, because at the end I had, everything's going to be all right. That's nice. It was working out beautifully. It really was, dear.

And I said... One tooth. And I felt special, and you know what I felt as I left? I think I'm a revolving door of women, aren't I, that he plays that for. Every woman gets no woman no cry. What a nice idea. Do you think he's got an extraction playlist? Is that

what he went to? I had an MRI scan and when you're in an MRI scanner it goes Vroom! I've had one of those. Vroom! And the next time I went in... That's Blood, Wind, Pig, isn't it? scanner, when you're in an MRI scanner, it goes I've had one of those. And the next time I went in, they said do you want music? And I said, to be honest the stuff I listen to sounds more or less like the scanner, so we'll stick with that.

What is the actual sell-by date on spoiler alerts? I don't know, but it is a thing that I say when driving. If I see somebody that's got one of those souped-up cars with a spoiler on it, I will go, spoiler alert. Oh, that's good. I like that. That's a real classic. Could have fun that joke, innit?

Good on you. Thank you. I would say the sell-by date slash statute of limitations, I would say, for example, if someone said Sixth Sense, oh, don't say I haven't seen it, forget about it. Well, I've got bad news for you. For example, I watched The Mandalorian Series 2 and the end of it, the last 15 minutes,

me and my son were literally jumping around the room with excitement. The ending was so, oh, I don't believe it. But if I said that, now I could say, well, that went out six weeks ago. So surely I wouldn't say it now.

I still feel a bit bad about saying it because I wouldn't want to rob anyone of that. Yes. Just saying. No, I would say six weeks ago, but if we're talking about Citizen Kane or Nosferatu... Not seen it. I'm sorry.

Not seen it. But I'm sure you went to see... Shush for Citizen Kane. What is that race car thing? When you go and see The Mousetrap, at the end of it, and that's been running for how many years, Emily? About 47 years or something? I'd say you're about right.

I've not seen The Mousetrap either. Should I say la-la-la as you tell us this? No, I'm not going to tell you the ending of The Mousetrap. That would be the least theatrical thing I've ever done in my life. You're like that California man when you've been buried or something. Now, the detective guy comes on at the end and says, can I just ask you, please, not to say who did it. Well, he addresses the audience.

Yes, speaks to the audience. He teaches them. At his app, yeah. Nice. And I saw Eddie Izzard live at the same theatre next door. And he talked about it and said what the ending was. What? Well, I've never seen the play. That's why I'm not going to vote for him, I'm sorry.

Sorry, her. I've seen the play. I haven't seen the play, I do apologise and yet I know who did it. Oh, so it's Amber. Of course I'm not, but I'm just saying it has ruined it somewhat. So I'll keep quiet about Mandalorian.

Hey, we had a text earlier from 342. And the crying game as well. I didn't see that coming. 342 texted. Who did he? Hiall, only just tuned in after a much needed lie-in. So apologies

if I've missed something. I'm sorry, I haven't missed much. But why is Frank saying birthday? I feel like I'm outside the in-joke. I don't say. I'm in self-conscious about it. I don't know where the whole birthday thing has come from.

I'm just reading what the... Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you what the outside world... What about if it's Melinda Messenger? If I just winged her? Maybe just the greys. If the producer could call this episode, I don't know where the whole Burt Day thing has come from.

I'd be happy with that. Well, what about if it turns out it's a national holiday in America to celebrate Burt Ward, who played Robin in the 60s Batman series. I'd be happy. I have some other updates for your questions to the

outside world. Frank, as to your question earlier, it is the fog of war, brackets, although the more used comment is the fog of battle and it's the mists of time. That's for Jason. The fog of war, okay. I thought it was fogs.

Fine, fair enough. We're all different. It's not the Phileas Foggs family. Isn't there a pub or a restaurant or something called Phileas Foggs? There's one we both pass when we drive back to North London.

Is it sort of an all around the world cuisine? You know how the gin drinker it's become a thing again, gin drinking. It used to be associated with the back streets in Hogarth's day and now, and Frank and I were nippers, now

of course it's the hipsters love a gin. Do they? No, they love a gin. They love to get depressed. You know, again, that's the second phenomenon love a gin do you know they love a gin they love to get you know again that's the second phenomenon i've learned today i knew nothing about the other one was off air and i can't tell you what it was frank skinner on absolute radio well there's all sorts going on i just like like to draw your attention to a text we received in response to best thing you've seen out of your window. Do you remember we were discussing that last week?

Oh, yeah, I was asking that last week, yeah. Mm-hm. Yeah. And... I saw the Queen go past. No. On a flotilla. You did, then.

Do you remember she had a sort of Jubilee flotilla? Oh, this is... Oh, it's the Jubilee, not just when she was travelling by flotilla. You did, Anne. Do you remember she had a sort of jubilee flotilla? Oh, this is the jubilee, not just when she was travelling by flotilla. No, no, no. She was standing in a white outfit and I lived on the river at the time and she went past. There was a point where she was between motor vehicles and she just travelled by flotilla until she got

the new car. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it was safer than getting the lift from the old man. The old man him indoors exactly so anyway um lizzie hopefully says the best thing she's seen outside of a window a heron backing up to get a better run for takeoff seriously. Seriously. That's worth seeing. It landed in my parents' garden on a square of lawn that wasn't quite long enough. Don't they have VTO herrings? VTO?

Vertical take-off. No. Oh, I didn't know that. I think that's helicopters. No, they brought out a plane in the 60s. I remember we did a bit of a topic about it at school. Oh, yeah. A V at school. Oh, yeah. A VTO aeroplane, yeah.

Very good. Well, Lizzie continues, it went to take off, had second thoughts, then backed up for another go, which worked. Yippee. That's nice, isn't it? I like the hair. I mean, it wouldn't be so funny if it was on a plane that did it,

but with a hair on, it's fine. Interestingly, if you think about all the arguments about the added runway at Heathrow and all that stuff, what happened to VTO planes? Wouldn't that have solved the problem? Airports could be the size of a sort of a cash and carry. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a real shame. If anyone knows about planes and stuff, why didn't the vertical take-off aeroplane revolutionise travel? I like the fact that you've introduced VTO into everyone's... It was called a VTO. I haven't done that. It was nobody bringing it in. Based on the space travel principle,

Ash Chirp has said best thing he's seen out of his window, the Taj Mahal, when I slept on the flat roof of a hotel, which was full but allowed me to sleep there. It sounds like there's a lot more to unpack in that story. And also, what was it? They have a window on the roof of the hotel. Yeah. It said he's put

hotel in quote marks. Imagine waking up there. I stayed in a hotel in Japan and the whole point of it was that from your window you could see Mount Fuji. Oh, yes.

Day one I got there, thick fog. I think that's quite common. I mean, you couldn't even see a vague outline. It one I got there, thick fog. I think that's quite common. Couldn't see, I mean you couldn't even see a vague outline, it just wasn't there. Fog of war isn't it? Yeah, the fog of Fuji. And next day, nothing. I mean not even a hint of it. So I was really upset, I was leaving the next day, I got up the next morning and there it was, like it had been put up in the night. Oh that's nice. Oh man, it was, like it had been put up in the night. Oh, that's nice. Oh, man, it was fabulous. Just like you want, a bit of snow at the top, flattened off.

Boys, I want to talk to you about a story I saw this week because, as you know, I forgot to have children, so I'm hoping you fellas will help me out a bit here. The reason I'm assuming the Australian accent is because this was something that sort of went viral in Australia recently. There was a list of age-appropriate chores for children shared online. And it said it's been dividing mums in Australia everywhere.

Oh, yeah. Dads too, please. The chart is based on an old Montessori chart. I believe. You boys are familiar with, can you explain what this is? Is it a dinosaur?

Montessori is the school thing where they don't do timetable they just do what they want. I think the idea is to Notice how not bothered to disguise the derision. Is that the script? If there's anyone from the Montessori organisation, I'm sorry. Apologies to Maria Montessori and her descendants.

I believe it's... Oh, that one where kids just turn up. They just play, I think. Isn't that rubbish one? No, I never said that. I know you turn up. They just play, I think. Isn't that rubbish, Juan? No, I never said that. I know you didn't. He never said that, but he might as well. We'll come back.

We're just going to knock off a couple of apologies. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 190's texted, please get Montessori facts right! With a few exclamation marks. I don't think we've got any wrong. I don't think we've said anything.

I don't think we've offered any facts. No facts. I see... A bit like school in many ways. I was about to share some facts, which were that I think it's designed to encourage independence and self-reliance in children. So it's a kind of practical experience over instruction, which is a good thing.

And so they had a list of chores, which was doing the rounds on Facebook. Have you done the chores, by the way? Have I done the chores? Yeah. What do you mean? That's the thing they used to say in the pub. Say, Bert walks in and says, have you done the chores? And they go, what chores? And I say, that's very thing they used to say in the pub say if burt walks in and says have you done the chores and they go what chores and i said it's very nice i have a double

scotch oh what chores yeah it didn't work it didn't work when builders ask what's the letter after s and you say t and they go thanks very much that's because i said uh what do you mean and then a slightly angry miss jean Brodie way there by ruining it. I liked it better. It made it edgier than the original. I said mine in a sort of Doctor Who villain. What do you mean? Anyway.

Doctor. On Parimata, eliminated. On the Montessori chore list, which was doing the rounds in Australia, these were some examples, and I am going to have to hand over to my child correspondents to tell me what is normal, whether this is normal. They had ages two to three, you should be able to put toys into a toy box. Fine, I can get that. What they also had...

It's not that they can't. Throw trash away. But this is what you should, not force them to do, but they should be encouraged to do on a daily basis. All that I'm with. Then they had carry firewood. And they also had... I think what they also had is be able to lay the table. This is two to three.

So over to you two. Very low table they've got there. I, well, for a start-up, I would not encourage a child that young to be throwing stuff in the bin because you could lose all sorts of valuable things that were put in there. I'm sort of not... I don't need them to do that much around the house. I mean, I looked at this chart. So, obviously, I went to eight-year-olds to see what Boz should be doing. Yeah.

One was filling an empty in the dishwasher, you know, with all those sharp knives that thing with the real sharp knives in it that you have and it reminded, the other day obviously I'm thinking boss is going to go on to be a major stand-up comedian right, no pressure yeah, just you know and I put some stuff in the dishwasher

and he was doing his homeschooling and I emptied the dishwasher. I know sometimes you empty the dishwasher and it hasn't cleaned. There's still stuff. It's really annoying. Yeah. So I said, oh, look at this bowl.

And he went, oh. He said, if the dishwasher isn't washing dishes, it's not a dishwasher. I said, no, that's's right and then he said something I thought if I had someone do this at a club I think this would be

he said it's not a dishwasher anymore it's just a wet cupboard yes I thought that stand up curry dish right there

yeah well there you go his chore could be writing for you but you know what I would rather I would rather just nick it if you know what i would rather i would rather just nick it if you're thinking about career trajectory i was rather he's doing gags about the dishwasher

than emptying and filling it you know i'd rather he was on stage than he could do both though he could do the gags whilst emptying the dishwasher yeah but what kind of loading the dishwasher it's the daily activity that gives him the material. Although you can get material out of paying someone to do it, I suppose. The thing is about getting the material, you've only got to do it once. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 828 has texted, I had a feeling this would happen, people boasting about their children's chore ability.

Just a note on the age-appropriate chores, our daughter is coming up to 18 months and loads the washing machine, puts the washing on the airers, can lay the table, sweeps the floor, and puts rubbish in the bin, including sorting the recyclables.

If you want to stay here, you better work, Chloe says. I don't like the air of menace that the child would be out on the streets if they don't pull that away. How old is the child? 18 months. That can't be right. I'm sorry, Chloe. This reminds me of the time my son was 18 months and he sorted out the diesel particulate filter on my car.

That reminds me of the old jokes. Remember the bloke says i got this i got this boxer dog he's amazing in the morning while i'm still asleep he goes downstairs he puts the saucepan on the uh on the on the gas stove puts a couple of he puts a egg in to boil for four minutes puts toast in the toaster, he butters it, holds the knife in his mouth, puts the whole lot on a tray, puts the egg on, comes up into my bedroom, lays the tray on the bed next to me, and then he does a headstand. That's absolutely amazing.

Why does he do a headstand? He said, we don't have any egg cups. It reminds me of that story. You see, I relate to this because my sister and I were asked to do chores, but they were more of the sort of social variety. So, for example, my parents would say, oh, we're not ready, can you go down and entertain the guests? And the guests would be Doris Lessing.

So, when we were six. So, that, and that had a certain amount of pressure, being asked to give a wedding speech when I was about eight, I think. Right. The leader of the opposition was sitting there looking. Things like that. We were just expected to come correct for that kind of stuff. However.

Really, I just had to zap ready meals. My dad, he was a fanatical gardener, my dad. And the council house we was in had got quite a big garden. And he used to say to me, you just come and hold the other end of this bamboo stick for a minute and you'd be in the garden for like five hours. You'd be riddling, you know, riddling soil to make it fine. I mean, it was, was oh it really felt was what the

victorian urchins must have had to put up with you had to do your basic emptying ashtrays open wine bottle but we didn't do it was a 70s day my parents were actors please have some tolerance um i genuinely think though if i'm with someone with a family with people who remember to have children and the child clears the table I am impressed by that yeah

especially if they don't have a run up I mean even the heron vertical take off even the heron any news on vertical one other thing though one of my birthday

what I do let Boz do is a lot of the tech stuff. We've already reached the point where he's better on tech stuff than me. Oh, is he? So for my birthday, and this is a slight sign of my age, my partner bought me a jumper that's got a radiator in it. Wow. And it's got a little control in the pocket pocket you can turn the heating up in the choice um but he had to do he had i had to let him set that up i couldn't i couldn't make head or tail of it but i'll tell you something toasty yeah i'll bet oh really yes yeah anyway um if if look i know Anyway, look, the show's about to discommence.

Are you about to land a plane? Yeah, I am. So if there's any news about vertical take-off aeroplanes, or if your kids, I mean, I'm sorry, Chloe, if you were telling the truth about your two- or three-year-old, but I think you should get her in the circus, never mind in the dishwasher. Addy, we'll carry on with it next week. It's an interesting...

I like an unusual chore. It's an interesting topic. What chores? I like an unusual chore. Oh, no, you're supposed to say thanks very much. We've already established I can't do this back and forth. We're from different worlds. So look, thank you so much for listening.

And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now stay in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.