The Frank Skinner Show - Bake Off

Episode Date: September 29, 2012

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Good talking to you. So, let's got that out of the way. That's like my morning exercises, I feel. Oh, is it? Yeah, get

the moths out. You know the moths? You know those ones that live in the joints between your... They're not moths, are they? No. Absolutely not. They're corpuscles. Oh, yeah. I always get those mixed up.

Which of the ones that eat clothes? Moths. Ah. OK. They're banned in my house. Can I say, talking of clothes, you look pretty awesome today. Very dapper. Very dapper. Am I dressed proper dapper from my napper to my feet? I would say so, yeah.

What, dressed in style all the while with my father's old grey tie on? That's what I'd say. But I wouldn't give you tops for my old watch chain. Old iron. Old iron. Oh, I see where you're going with this. There are cockneys now listening to this

whose knees are, they won't be able to keep them still. Eh, that'll wipe their moths up, or their kneecaps. Yeah, I am, I tell you what I did this week, a very I did a fashionable thing. I'm not just talking about my outfit. I did like what, what, the current

craze. Oh yeah? Yo-yo. No, Tamagotchi. Scooter. One of those little scooters. No, these are two East End brothers who terrorise in the area. They're the modern Krays. I always saw myself as a bit of a Vi Kray.

I think I would have been good in that role. I think you could easily be a gangster's mole. It's always been one of my ambitions. Yeah, a gangster's mole. I'd probably be one of those slightly geeky, like, low-down-the-rung henchmen that got killed after about three scenes for having made a mistake. I think I wouldn't get to scene four.

I think you might squeal like a pig. You might rat on people. I'd definitely be a squealer, yeah. Yeah, I think I'd be set fire to my last ground. But get away and run off and set the whole woods on fire. Are you a witness protection programme or do you get killed, Frank? Not only would I die, but I'd take half a dozen holiday homes with me. When people ask me if we plan this show...

Do they ask you that? I often think, well, you really think we rehearse our deaths in craze films? What do you mean? You know, we've got this list here on microfiche. Deaths in craze films. What do you mean? You know, we've got this list here on microfiche. Dancing craze film. What else have we got here? Oh, I can't read. It's too small.

As is Sue Klein. Anyway. So what I did is I judged a bake-off. But I thought you said judge ye not. Well, yeah, I know that. I went against the advice of the New Testament. A bake-off. But I thought you said judgey not. Well, yeah, I know that. I went against the advice of the New Testament. A bake-off? Yeah, because bake-offs are the big thing, though.

Everybody's baking. Because the Great British Bake-off is a hot show. Not for me, it's not. A lot of baking happening. Yeah, it is a hot show with all them ovens on. You with me? So I used hot, both in its form of meaning popular and also like

a temperature reference. So, yeah, I was at this, it was a charity bake-off and I had to judge the best cake. You don't mind me saying you're a curious choice of judge? Really? I just wouldn't associate you with cakes, necessarily.

No, well, but I've got quite a delicate palate. Not many people know that. You must have got that from those years growing up in Birmingham. I didn't have a palate at all for years. You must have seen that. Did you see that sign? It used to be on my house, palates wanted. No, but I did.

I've got quite a delicate palate. Anyway, I had to eat. You don't have to eat a lot but you have to eat enough to get a proper taste so you think well i'll just have a little slice but when there's like 20 cakes more than that it's a lot yeah slice especially when you imagine that cake all together it's basically a cake like a big i just basically ate a big cake but in in variety yeah um and also when you think of it in the abstract you're thinking of your experience of cake which is um cake available in the commercial sector which is as opposed to what

well because that cake is is in the main, quite nice. Uh-oh. I see where we're going with this. What you're doing is you're also eating quite a lot of nasty cake. And that ups the ante somewhat. You're not just eating a lot of cake, but some of it is... There was one that tasted... Honestly, it was...

It's not a charred egg. I can't bear a charred egg. It had fruit on top, but it tasted very much of rubber, as if something might have fallen in. And, of course, you have to eat it with... Marigold cake. Oh, you have to eat it with due gusto. So it's...

I never liked that icing. It's not gusto jus. Yeah. And also, the sugar content of eating that much cake in a go is you know i bet you're off the scale oh well it's like the first 12 tastes like cake that the second one's just tastes of spinal fluid as your entire system just breaks down under the onslaught. Yeah.

And then there was a bit of... Well, I'll tell you in a minute, but we had a... Was there an incident? Oh, God, there was an incident. Oh, God. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, first of all, I had a fellow judge who I didn't know because there was so much cake that one person couldn't try it all.

Don't know. Cheryl Baker. No, I do know. Oh, very good. Cheryl Baker would have been good. That would have been good, yeah. Or better still, Cheryl Baker is nearly Cherry Bakewell, isn't it? Joan Bakewell.

Joan Bakewell. Joan Bakewell. Friend ofwell. Joan Bakewell. Friend of the family. I could have got her on board for you. Yeah. That would have been good. Imogen Thomas. Rudyard Kipling. Yeah, very good. So, he was there, actually. I heard he was.

Yeah. Go on. So, over at the cake stand he was complaining about some upside down cake about the the uh the juicy bit and the sponge something about near the twine shall meet he said so first of all there was one that was a beautiful it was in the shape of a rabbit oh yeah and uh the my fellow judge just started by cutting the head straight off it oh i was gonna say did you do that that sounds fun no i couldn't do that i couldn't do that what do you do to a jelly baby though you take the head right off no but um i don't i take it i can't bite into a jelly baby, but I'll take it like a lozenge. I can't. There's something.

I've always thought anyone who could. I might have said this before, but I stand by it. Anyone who can knock a nail into a teddy bear's face could do it to a human being. There's something. It's our kindness to humanoids, to inanimate humanoids, I think reflects how we treat people. He's gone a bit Doctor Who again. Yeah, oh, I've got a Doctor Who thing I'll tell you after. But no, I was shocked by it.

This is absolutely true. I've still got a teddy bear from my childhood, Little Ted. I'll be in a right state now. Yeah, he's balding. But he belonged to our Nora originally so you know he's getting on anyway and I actually he's on my

bookcase in the living room and he was on the third shelf up and I moved him recently to the fifth shelf because I thought he's not going to see much from there oh fine I know that if i opened him up there'd be sawdust but i can't anyone who also you want to keep him on side he's seen some sights with our keys oh well so yeah i i didn't like i wasn't happy with the decapitation of the rally. But then we had what I can only call a Terry Wogan moment,

which is basically when the winner was announced, they said Cindy instead of Scooch, if you know what I'm saying. Oh. Do you remember when the song for Eurovision, and he said it was Cindy that had won, and in fact it was Scooch. Yeah, I totally remember that. And Cindy was absolutely, you know, punching the air with delight. And then he said, oh, no, sorry, it isn't you, it's Scooch.

Well, that's what happened at the end of the bake-off. That it was given to the apple pie, turned out to be the cookies. Oh, Frank. Well, there was tears before bedtime, that's all I'm saying. There's no fault of mine. No? No. But it was it was uh well i'll serve them right for dealing with carbs that's what will happen i'm afraid yeah and i am i uh i once back i only ever baked once in my life i made lemon meringue pie i made lemon meringue pie and

two loaves of bread the same afternoon, all three items, utterly perfect. I mean, brilliant. Wow. I used wholemeal pastry for the lemon meringue pie, still brilliant. And I've never baked since. Because, you know, when you do it and it's right, you think, don't do it again, you'll spoil it. Really?

Yeah. If only Mike Myers... LAUGHTER ..listened to that advice. LAUGHTER Listen to that advice. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Hi. We were talking about baking. Specifically, your judging experience. Out the lorry to Enosaw.

We were sailing around. It's not email corner. No. I just needed a bit of satire. No. When you need a bit of satire, you've got to improvise. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Thanks. Carry on. Okay, so we've had a text in. This is from 540. Rebaking. Do you remember take and bake? Baking your own bread. You've got to take and bake.

You've got to take and bake. No. You can put it on the floor and... Yes, I do. It was like white. It says where you basically just warmed up already baked bread. It was terrible, though. It does sound quite 70s, though, doesn't it?

There was a lot of products that had and in there. Take and bake, shake and vac, salt and shake. Mm-hm. You're right, salt and vinegar. Salt and vinegar, cheese and onions. We could do this for a while, couldn't we? Yeah. Smoky and bacon.

Smoky and the bandit, yeah. Cannon and ball. Yeah. Marks and angles. Marks and Engles. So, it was very white take and bake. It's like a horrible white clammy

doughy half cooked piece of ghost bread. When you add it. You loved it. You know when the Pillsbury Doughboy emerges in Ghostbusters towards the end? Yes. White clammy, looks clammy.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, I remember it well, Frank. Pillsbury Doughboy and Pete Doherty. Got that same sort of white clammy. And it looked like that. And you put it in and it turned into a beautiful, fresh, warm loaf. Put the butter on it and it melted into it.

Mm. Sounds good. Much better than that terrible home-baked stuff. You put it in and it turns into a beautiful, fresh, warm loaf. Put the butter on it and melt into it. Mmm. Sounds good. Much better than that terrible home-baked stuff. You know a lot about bread. Well, I obviously love baking. Yes. No, I don't. I'd rather drink cyanide.

I do no baking whatsoever. You'd rather say cider then. I'd rather drink cider. There was a period I'd rather drink cider. We used to have a saying, it's only glottons that eat and drink. So we'd just drink. I should say eating's cheating. I'll tell you another thing I don't like about cakes.

I mean, I do love cakes, but... Eating's cheating. What I would say is I find that I don't like the fact that they need to be disguised with icing. Do you know what I mean? That's something inherently wrong with that food, that you can't eat it on its own. Why are you hiding behind the icing? You're obviously not that nice.

It takes me on to the subject of cosmetics. But it's the same principle. You have strong feelings about that, and yet you'll eat a cake. Well, can I say I'll never eat another cake? Once you've done a bake-off. Sue Perkins told me that she had to allow, because she does the Great British Bake Off. She does.

She has to allow that she'll gain between a stone and a stone and a half in the course of a series, and then she has to work it off after. Wow. I mean, that's a big price to pay. Yeah. That's tricky. Actually, Emily's fainted. Can someone get her a medic?

I didn't know Lady Gaga had been presenting that. Frank, I'd like... I like her better. I do. She looks a bit... She looks great. Her bomb now looks a bit like a taken bakeluff when it first comes out. Is this Gaga?

Yeah. Oh, OK. But I like a bit of extra. Carry on. I'd like to talk about something else now. We don't want to talk about baking all day. No. I'd like to take us out of the kitchen.

We've already lost four listeners. And into the political arena. If you can't stand the heat. I hope you said that a bit on baking day. I didn't. I didn't. Is that whyarksville's had that song? Because they had Cheryl Baker I mainly said

So I'll tell you what Shall we come back and do it? I want to talk about David Cameron Okay, I'm with you. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now then, David Cameron, you say?

He's done a bit of a bad murder. He's what? Well, he disgraced him. If anyone's just kidding. That would be a story. That would be a big story, wouldn't it? Yeah. Depends, I suppose, who he murdered. He could probably cover up a lot of people.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure someone high profile could never do that. He's disgraced himself, Frank. He's gone and disgraced himself a little bit. Is this about the cuts? No, he was on Letterman.

Yes, I saw that on Letterman. Did you see it? He looked a bit orcs when he came on. Because I always think a politician out of context, it's a bit Coral Out of the Sea, isn't it? Yeah, but he did have a tie on, which is a blessing. This is true. I thought he might go casual.

I hate it when he does that. Oh, I don't like that either. What, Bermuda Shore and a trainer? That would have been awful. Tell you what, there's a lot of pictures of him running and cycling, Cameron. He does a lot of running, it would appear. But he always looks like he's just shaved as well. I mean, that mini.

You know, that sort of pink, slightly swollen. Whereas, he looks, if you take him and... What is a prune? Did it used to be a plum? I think a prune was a plum, wasn't it? Yeah. Everyone's making eye contact with a sort of, I can't, nobody's sure enough on this. Someone will tell us.

No one's certain, or they will, they really will. Him and Letterman look like the before and after in the plum prune process. Because David is very shiny and swollen and big faced, whereas David Letterman is

Yeah, time is telling, isn't it? Yeah. Calmer face. I love his fabulous grumpiness. I went to see it recorded live once, the David Letterman show, and it was when the clocks go forward an hour. And he said, you know, I'll be honest, we've got a lousy bill tonight.

This is before the show started. You weren't on were you? No, he said I still couldn't get on I think Johnny Depp had pulled out or something because he was nervous he said he was nervous, he shouldn't be in this kind of work

but anyway, he said do you remember that hour you lost at the weekend you're about to lose another one it was fabulous so anyway He said, do you remember that hour you lost at the weekend? You're about to lose another one. It was fabulous. So anyway, so... So anyway, I think DC got... He got a little stitched up by Letterman, though. Did you see this?

Because he started grilling him on British history. So firstly, he asked him a few sort of questions and he asked him about the Magna Carta. He said, when was it signed? And he got the date, 1215, which obviously we're all very familiar with here, Absolute Radio. That's why, isn't it?

That's why it's named after. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. It was originally going to be Absolute Magna Carta Radio, and then they thought it's a bit clunky for the business cards. Well, the 8 comes from the amount of letters in King John, and then 12.15. Yeah, the whole thing is to celebrate the beginnings,

the seeds of democracy in this country. Did you not know that? There'll be people nodding at their radio. I love the idea that that's going to go on Wikipedia now. Hence the double arrowhead. Oh, wow. Oh, what does that mean? What, you can scroll through the Magna Carta quickly?

Well, it was suggesting... Fast forward. It suggests that the two, the lower orders and the upper orders, rather than being opposed, are now going in the same direction. Did you not know this? No, I didn't, because it's not true. You need to check the website. So he didn't, though, so then Letterman...

I was impressed that he got the date right, though. And he got Runnymede right, where it was... I'd have known Runnymede. I wouldn't have known the date, I'll be honest with you. Oh, I would have known the date. Even though I work here. Would you? Yeah.

That and the Peasants' Revolt. Even though you work here. I thought Magna Carta was Latin for Choc-Ice Wagon. He could have worked it out, though. Hold on, can we just have a moment while people work that out at home? No, I get that, Frank. Magna. Carta.

Mag. Magnum. Magnum. They've got it. OK, OK. I think you could have worked it out anyway, even if you didn't have a basic grasp of Latin. Yeah, you know, but it's like the

gold run isn't it it's all right watching sitting at home doing it but when you're up there um it's quite um anxiety making i would imagine so and obviously he's in the wings thinking i've got to go on here he wasn't in wings was he no i mean in the wings you know that you know he was waiting to go on and cam Cameron's thing is not thinking I need to have mugged up on my British history here. What he's thinking is I need to go on this show and seem human and normal. So he's sort of got to get it into his head

that this is me going, I've got to be kind of chatty and avuncular and normal and then suddenly it's like, oh no, I need to be the real me. I'm sure he knows Magna Carta. No, I think you'll find what he was doing in the wings was not going to the toilet. Oh, yeah.

That's what he does to help himself focus. Oh, filthy, filthy. Like a full bladder. You might say he's absolutely bursting before he does anything. I mean, really, like it's hurting. Yeah. He does that, apparently. Oh.

Come back to this. I think I'm going to have to go to the toilet. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we were talking about DC on DL. Yes. Frank, we were talking about DC on DL. Yes. I am... If only David Cameron had had some questions about American history,

he could have fired back. Frank, that's exactly what he should have done. But then I suppose Letterman would have pointed out that he's just a chat show host, whereas Cameron is a prime minister, so he doesn't... Yeah, but he could have said similar things, couldn't he? Who wrote the Star-Spangled Banner? Bet he wouldn't know that answer.

Well, because Letterman would have gone postal. You get me? Yeah. See, Letterman. Oh! Oh, I love it! Thanks, I'll write that down. It might work in my tour.

Are you going to add the Magnum wagon thing to that as well? Yeah, I'm doing a tour called The Worst Jokes I've Ever Heard. There's a lot of people done that tour, but they haven't called it that. No. What he should have done, what he forgot... There's a bit... You know, when he started, he did, like, quite a serious bit about... He talked about Syria and all that.

Yeah. It was quite heavy for a chat show, I can't... It was. And what he should have done in order to win him over easy that he's a Laugh-a-Minute guy. You know, Benny Hill is still massive in America.

They love Benny Hill. And when he mentioned President Assad, instead of just getting all serious and that, he should have called him a Syria-eriot. Right? I don't know what that is but it sounds like it's a bit racist remember he used to say syria so then he could say syria area i think that would have brought the house down it would have been the headline and then then

that would have stopped with with president assad that. It probably brought down his regime. And it would have been a Benny Hill-fuelled Arab spring. But anyway, the moment's gone now, so, you know. He should have done more jokes, Frank. Definitely. He should have. And less knowledge. And he told some lies as well, which is... What lies did he tell?

Well, he says that, you know, he was in America and someone called out, Oh, Prime Minister's questions, we love your show. He tried to do an American accent and it wasn't good. But whenever a celebrity tells a story of something someone's calling out, it's usually a lie. They've

thought it'd be good, it'd make me look good wouldn't it if somebody called this out. So I'll just say somebody called this out. That's what they do. I like that of all the things David Cameron might have lied about, that's that's what they do i like that of all the things david camera might have lied about that's the one that that's definitely what they would have said is where's clank because that's what people always do when they shout it's a celebrity they always want to know where another celebrity is oh you're right frank i still get where's dave do you yeah oh um

but everyone i've spoken to they always get asked about another celebrity they've worked with at some time it's like people are putting together a paper chain of celebrity whereabouts yeah you see what do they shout at you, Al? me? they don't usually, who are you? what are you doing in this train carriage?

that sort of thing, you know nobody really, I haven't worked with anybody high profile that would join me with I think, where's the Premier League player? it happens, you know nobody really i haven't worked with anybody high profile that would join me with i can where's the where's the premier league player it happens you know where's the premier league player it's good that they don't name one they just it's like a sort of filling on the dotted line absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio Hold it, hold it, hold it, before we go any further. Sorry, is this going to be about an email? No, I was going to say, I was wondering if you'd like to hit your email corner button.

I know you love it. I'm doing it, I'm doing it. Email corner. See, I sang along then, so what we had was a bit of Kylie Minogue-style double-tracking. Yeah, yeah. Very impressive. I might go, ah, ah, ah, ah, at some point. I might not. So here's the email. Dearest Frank... Well, here's one of the emails, the many that we get in Absolute...

OK, OK, don't build us up. Absolute Magna Carta. Dearest Frank, Emily, Alan, your recent reference to Ian Lavender made me remember how, as a boy, I used to think that the end credits of Dad's Army, brackets, you have been watching, dot, dot, dot, was in fact a fun mini-quiz,

i.e., you have been watching. As the names of the cast came up, I would call out, yes, if I'd seen them in the episodes. As I recall, I used to do the same thing for Heidi High, never being corrected by my older siblings or parents. And now I like this as well. Cheers for that. Regards, 716.

Oh, I love 716. Good for him. But they might not have known what he was doing. They might have thought it was just elation. You know, yes! John Lee Mazurier, yes! Oh, Arnold Ridley's looking a bit bewildered. I like the idea of watching the end credits of Dad's Army with a checklist.

Brilliant. We used to have an IDI joke. Oh, did you? Oh, yeah. How dare you? Sue Pollard was married to my gay godfather joke. Oh, did you? Oh, yeah. How dare you? Sue Pollard was married to my gay godfather's boyfriend. Is that right?

I love that story. I've given the punchline away now, but it means you can still use it down the pub now, because it's topical in the extreme. If anyone's doing some topical jokes, this is your chance to spin things around to the least topical joke. Actually, we have done the Magna Carta. Exactly. And it was, how does Idi Amin spell his first name?

Heidi, hi! I'm glad we got the first error out of the way. It hasn't been one of my best. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now. Do you think at the start of hours we ought to change it to

this is Absolute Magna Carta Radio? Well, I don't know if I should have given away the code. Oh, OK. I feel I might have done it wrong. Dan Brown or something. I i mean it might be that the absolute radio itself is in the power of the barons yeah who knows dan brown mick brown

no he was a great now the barons oh like you know king john was forced by the barons to do that they were a good band but pushy so what else in the news well there's been another royal mishap this week can I say I read this I didn't quite get it ok let me explain so Kate Middleton

and Wills let's use the informal titles they're on a royal tour they feel like friends I think so, they're almost friends of the show they are on a royal tour they're on a tour?

Solomon Islands I believe tickets are available they're not doing Hull tomorrow night are they? I could give them a lift back if they're heading to Manchester anyway now Kate stepped out. Apparently, we should say at this point, their clothes had been left

out for them. Just plant that little seed in your head. They'd been laid out. You know, my clothes man on the bedroom chair. They were like that. Their clothes were laid out. Along with other gifts, including soap and chocolate. There you go. See, again, another mistake could have easily been made there.

Yeah. They could have come out foaming at the mouse. Anyway, the mistake happened when Kate stepped out wearing what I would describe as a rather fetching fuchsia-tiered strapless maxi. That's exactly how I described it.

Great mind. Eyesore is how I would have described it. Oh, I liked it. I thought it was busy. No, it was busy, but her face isn't, and that was the combo. It's not eyesore, it's Esau. It's pronounced as well. Is it? I did a biblical joke.

Oh, that's excellent. Put that in the trailer. You know Absolute Bible, the new station? Carry on. Absolute King John again. Anyway, but it turned out... Absolute King James version. It turned out that she was wearing a print from the Cook Islands

and they were in the Solomon Islands. Apparently this was a huge faux pas. That's what I don't understand. I mean, I think we all know about that fierce rivalry between the Cook Islands and the Solomon Islands. Yeah. It's a bit of a Celtic Rangers job, isn't it, just? No, I mean, what's their problem with it?

It was made, it was a dress. And William wore a shirt as well, didn't he? He should have worn a green shirt from the Solomon Islands. And he wore blue. He wore blue from the Cook Islands. But what's the difference? Why is that a faux pas? Well, I think politically, perhaps,

you should have worn... It's a bit like if you come to this country, the done thing is you wear a British designer like McQueen or something like that. Is that right? Even if you're not from here? I notice Michelle Obama doesn't do it. She sticks to the Americans.

But yeah, Kate always does it when she goes abroad. What I would say, Frank, I thought William's shirt was a bit the hangover. It was a bit Boys on Stag Night, that Hawaiian... Well, that's exactly it, surely. It doesn't matter if it's Solomon or Cook Islands. Everybody in the world that isn't from the Solomon or the Cook Islands is going,

oh, he's got a Hawaiian shirt on. He may as well have worn a Hawaiian one. It's their own fault. They need to get a bit of variety in their casual wear at the South Pacific. Perhaps a badge. Perhaps a country-style badge. But they just, it's always a, you know, it's always a pineapple or a palm tree, isn't it? Spread out. What about

a nice vintage car? Oh, yeah, that'd be good. Yeah. But then people would be thinking it was Cuba or something, you know. No, but it's just, they'd, so they can say, look, we're not just about pina colada, you know, we've got, we've got more depth than that. What about bringing back Fido Dido? I'd be happy.

I used to have, oh, I had a pencil case. It was a work of art, in my opinion. Fido Dido. Do you remember Fido? I know exactly who Fido Dido was, yeah. I've got a look of him. You've got... I've got a look of Fido Dido.

A look? Yeah. Ganglies. Oh, you've got a... When you said you've got a look of him. You've got... I've got a look of Fido Dido. A look? Yeah. Gangly. Oh, you've got a... When you said you've got a look of him, I thought you managed to capture some sort of abstract concept, which you keep pressed between the pages of a large book. No.

I've got a look of him. What is this? Round Your Way with Brian Johnston. Absolute Radio. Frank Johnston. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, one of us has been travelling around.

I mean, normally it's the M62 for me, isn't it? Yeah. I'm usually doing, you know, Hull or wherever. But I'm just back from Tokyo,o guys yeah just back from tokyo landed yesterday afternoon got my head down and came in it's good it's good though um got your head down and came here yeah it's weird though it's's very different. It's different. You know why, don't you?

I like to go travelling and come back and see it. I'll tell you why, it's somewhere else. I really state the obvious way. It's foreign. But actually, what I'm trying to say is that quite a lot of travelling... Did you eat any of the foreign art? Oh, I ate some of that, yeah. But what I find now is that the more places you go,

the more often they're a bit similar to home. And then you go to somewhere that's very different, like Tokyo. Although it's a lot like Coventry, isn't it? A lot of concrete. A lot of concrete. They love a bit of concrete in Japan. You know, Britain used to be like that. You'd go somewhere different and it was different. Yeah, yeah.

But it's, you know, Clinton's off. It's always Clinton. A lot of shops in Tokyo, aren't there? I thought it was a bit like a hot Brent Cross when I went You can buy lots of things Hot Brent Cross, is that what people eat on Good Friday? Yeah, I'm sorry Very weird, though

You know, they love gadgets, they love gadgetry Oh, they love gadgets Three words that are not meant to chill you, but I found them quite chilling Heated toilet seats Oh, I've... Did not enjoy Yeah, I did my oh i've did not enjoy yeah i did my own yeah did not even when you sit on them oh yes i um no i tried that over there and also did you use the jets i never used the jets i've learned my lesson in the past i don't like the

jets no oh i love a jet it's not for me i'll use the jets i'll i'll get five on the spot oh it's like a jean-michel jar when i get to the toilet in japan is it really and a very weird we had a very weird taxi journey me and the comics we were uh we were out and about we were out there doing stand-up for the japanese i met some fans of the show as well i'll tell you about them in a moment but before that me and the other comics we were all where's my bookmark we were all parents and we said right we've only got one afternoon in tokyo really let's go and get some gifts for the kids and you know it's a day trip to tokyo no it wasn't

a day trip but by the time we'd done the first gig and basically we only had one free day and so we we got ourselves down to the crossing you know that crossing where everything just shuts down and the people take over the streets I love a scramble crossing you know there's one of those on Oxford Street you don't have to go to India to eat good Indian food

go to the Bengal Tiger only 30 yards from the cinema anyway we jumped in a taxi to try and buy our family's gifts and we said to the taxi driver, we want to go to Kiddyland and he started saying, Kiddyland, Kiddyland. Oh, the old... Whoa!

Where's the absolute manual? We thought he was a big fan of Kiddyland for about ten minutes. Oh, OK. And then, weird moment... It says a borderline. Oh, I love that then, weird moment. It says they're borderline. Oh, I love that song. Weird moment. He, uh, Justin gave

him his phone to show him the shop on one of the other comics. Justin Bieber. He was also trying. One of the other comics. Comics? Justin? Held out his, um... Surely he had other business this week. Held out... Now, carry on. Held out his, uh, map for where the shop was.

Yeah. And this fella, the taxi driver, who's in charge of a vehicle... I'm tense now, the voice is coming up again. Gets out a giant magnifying glass to look at the map, because his eyesight's so bad he can't see something that's in his own hand. Well, he might be long-sighted, though, he'll be all right. And then he was looking at the metre through a huge magnifying glass and then driving a car. That's worrying. Is that meant to give you confidence in the

man's ability? Did he have a prescription windscreen? He didn't, no. And we didn't know the Japanese for are you long sighted or short sighted. We were having enough trouble with English. Yes. But yeah, scary moment. Turned out it was alright. There was an ant on the meter and he was just burning it using the sun. Oh, doing no problem no problem there they are panic averted oh blimey is that what he did he burnt an ant no did you say that yeah i forgot it's tenka all over again this is frank skinner Absolute Radio. So after the gigs that I was saying I'd done in Tokyo,

chatting to the audience, and a surprising number of them said, Oh, we listened to you on the Frank Skinner show on Absolute, Magma Carter. They knew the full name, even name. And they're big fans of the show. Oh, really? Yeah. In Tokyo? In Tokyo, honestly. I'll retract my earlier fans of the show. Oh, really? Yeah. What, in Tokyo? In Tokyo, honestly. I'll retract my earlier comments about the country.

When we pull our finger out and do a global tour, it's going to be massive, I'm telling you. Vancouver, Tokyo, Australia, it's going to be amazing. Yeah, I'm not going. I can't cope with that tropical shirt angst. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was a problem. I went down in a dressing gown. That's lovely that we have... yeah. Well, that was a problem. I went down in a dressing gown.

That's lovely that we have... Yeah. Well, I meant... Can I just sing the 1964 Japan Olympics theme tune just for them? Good morning, Tokyo. Nice to be seeing you. There you go. That was lovely.

That was it. It was like a choral female I think of it as female singers So I was standing at the bar Having a chat after the first gig Met a chap who was saying how much he loved the show I'm a bit uneasy about this How much everyone loves this show

Honestly But he then handed me his business card And said He's the managing director of some executive company in Tokyo. And he said, if Emily's ever in Tokyo... He gave me his card on a person-to-person night's move. Fabulous. That's the first person-to-person we've had.

And then he added, although I am happily married with two children, so it could ruin everything. They all are filthy creeps. In keeping with the other night's moves we've had. He's got a lot to lose. Well, look, don't shoot Melinda Messenger. As they used to say. That's my message to the listeners. Probably a few who's been thinking about it, but don't do it.

Somebody might have done, actually. Where is she? Melinda Messenger, yeah. Gone. That's what picture desks actually say on newspapers now. What? Don't shoot Melinda Messenger. messenger, yeah. Gone. That's what picture desks actually say on newspapers now. What? Don't shoot me. Gone, gone, and never called me mother.

Well, I was going to say hand me those details, but I will have no part of them, Frank. I don't want to break up a happy marriage. No, no, you don't do that. I do, but not that one. Oh, yeah. What's another story? When I went to Japan, I was in this hotel and they said

the great advertising thing about this hotel was View of Mount Fuji. Oh, really? So I was very excited about that. So I went there and it wasn't there. No. You couldn't see it from my window. Oh. So I said to the man on the desk,

I said, I thought I'd got a Mount Fuji facing window he said they all do they all face it here I said no mine doesn't he said yeah it does extraordinary argument yeah

so I went back up no sign of Mount Fuji apparently it was shrouded in mist and the mist is so thick there's not even So I went back up, no sign of Mount Fuji. Apparently it was shrouded in mist. Oh, yeah. And the mist is so thick, there's not even a vague outline. It was like a David Copperfield. Like a Joan Collins photograph. Yeah, exactly.

And do you, would you believe it, exactly the same thing happened to me with the shard the other day, because I can see the shard from my window, got up the other morning, gone. Wow., gone. Wow. Completely gone. Apparently, Peter Crouch has the same thing with his feet. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Frank, I've been ticked off for overusing your name, apparently. I don't know what I'm meant to call you. F, the big F. off for overusing your name, apparently. I don't know what I meant to call you. F, the big F. Oh, overusing my name. F.D.O.B. Apologies for that. OK, yeah, Dan. Someone's asked me if I get a quid for each time she says the word Frank.

Obviously hasn't met my agent. Stakes are a bit higher than that, round my way. I, er, the business cards thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. In Japan. Iapan i was handed i think seven in the time i was there you see i don't normally get business cards i went to japan also that the etiquette thing is that you have to really scrutinize them you can't just get it and put it in your pocket you know about the holding it with both thumbs as well yeah you can't you just can't hold it with one hand that's the highest high-truthness. Yeah, you have to look at...

That's right. You have to really read everything on it. Like, it's the most interesting thing you've ever read. Well, some of this is in Japanese. I can't be doing that. Well, obviously, that's tricky. That's why you need the magnifying glass. But if Anthony is listening, I've got it in both hands.

I've got it in both hands right now. You know, the guy that did the night move. That's an arthritis announcement. I once went to a restaurant with a Japanese bloke in England. He spent two and a half hours at that goldfish bowl by the till. You know where you put your business cards to win a bottle of wine? Oh, it was like putting them in the British library. He loved it.

I haven't been abroad, Frank. You know, I go on holiday now to the Cotswolds. Been into the staycation, though. Life's changed a bit, Frank. It has a bit. Leave the far-flung travel to me. But I'm not a big fan of Tokyo. I know it's very fashionable to say,

I love Japan, it's amazing, oh my God, I love it. I don't, I hate it. Absolutely hate it. You've got to forgive and forget, that's what it's all about. I like the Japanese, don't like the country. There's too much consumerism, I find it really depressing. And it's just a temple to... No, on that scale, I like a bit of light and shade.

That's not all I'm about. I know that, but I'm just surprised. I might like a bit of fashion, I also might like to read a bit of light and shade. That's not all I'm about. I know that, but I'm just surprised. I might like a bit of fashion. I also might like to read a bit of Alan Bennett. You don't get that in Japan. Shop after shop, gadget after gadget. You can get Alan Bennett, but in an anime cartoon thing. It's much easier.

Sorry, that's my rant, but I believe that thing. You can get an Aaron Bonnet. I bought one in Edinburgh this year. Oh, God. Aaron Bonnet. He plays one in Edinburgh this year. Oh, God. Aaron Bonnet. He plays for Arsenal, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Anyway. What were you going to say? You were about to say something and then you stopped and you thought better of it. I did, yes. Can I say I love Japan? Okay. But this was the most serious thing that's ever happened on this show, wasn't it? That conversation about Japan.

Good. I quite liked it. You not liking it? thing that's ever happened on this show wasn't it that that conversation about japan i like i liked it you're not liking it i think it's a fabulous oh it's like a labyrinth of discovery what do we got well it's a email corner What do you want to go for? We've got... I'll give you the runners and riders. Well, firstly, I'll tell you what I like. I like from Marcus Borg.

He says, Frank, I see that Spurs new goalkeeper Hugo Lloris has lost some weight. You could say that he is a slender Lloris. Take care, my good man. Oh, my good man. My good man. He's gone a bit Jackson, my good man. Oh, my good man. My good man. He's gone a bit Jackson, your butler. I just wonder, it could be coincidence, but presumably this bloke is a Tottenham

Hotspur fan, as he's done the... One would assume. What's his name? Hugo Loris. Hugo Loris. Now, I remember Martin Yoll, when he was the manager of Spurs, in an interview saying to, calling the interviewer my man at one point.

Yes, thank you, my man. And I wonder if it's... Wow, if that is the joke he's offering and you've got it, you've made his day there. But I like a pun challenge of any kind. Yeah, Slender Loris is going to be hard to find another one. Well, I think if Hugo Loris gains weight now, he'll be a fiat... fiat...

A fiat... Hugo? Fiat Hugo. Fiat Hugo. That's lovely. Yeah. I feel dirty. I don't know why.

Probably like I need to scrub myself down. What else? We're in the corner. Yeah, we are. Until I'm in the corner, I'm holding up both arms like footballers did just before they take a corner. Excellent. Frank and the gang.

The gang. I'm not sure how we feel about that. Oh, come on. I've been listening to some old podcasts and having lived away from Birmingham for more years than I'm prepared sure how we feel about that. Oh, come on. I've been listening to some old podcasts and having lived away from Birmingham for more years than I'm prepared to mention, I really enjoy hearing a bit of Midland dialect. I wondered if Frank was the kind of Brummie to say her

in the place of she. I really enjoy Frank's impressions, so I was hoping he could give us a blast of the black country, her, especially if the impression comes out a bit shouty and unhinged. Steve of Birmingham, as Emily might say. her especially if the impression comes out a bit shouty and unhinged steve a birmingham as emily might say yeah i always think me doing jokes that you only get if you live in a tiny area it's that sort of brechtian alienation just in case there's anyone left who's enjoying this show i'll finish them off forever but um having said that i we we did used to say her instead of she.

Oh, did you? So you say... How does it work, then? Oh, her ain't coming round here, is her? That's what we'd say. Really? Oh, really? She isn't coming round here, is she?

That's peculiar. Or the way he wants it. Oh, her ain't coming round here, is her? Yeah. If the Beatles had been from the black country, the song would have gone... Er loves... Er loves you.

Er loves you. Ah, ah, ah. I would have preferred that. I don't think it would have been a hit. Here's one for you. Doris Day. I never said she did. Eight people laughing in a distant part of the country.

Oh, I nearly get it. I nearly speak Birmingham, but I don't quite. I'm not going to explain it. I'll work it out. I like the idea of a blast of the black country. That could be your next book, Frank. That could be, because there was a local paper, it might still exist, called The Black Country Bugle.

So that would be perfect for a blast of the black country. Oh, lovely. How's about that then? Oh! I actually can't do that anymore, apparently. No, let's stay away from him. Have we got time for another email, Frank? Yeah!

OK. I don't think I can read it out because it's too self-referential. OK, well, luckily we have another person with us. Why do you think it's too self-referential? I just read it out. They don't know where they're at, I mean. OK. Dear Frank, I was so disappointed by Emily and Alan in the last show.

Is that what you mean? We don't know. Is that the self-referential bit? Because, you know, I'm in that as well. This is the most embarrassing. And I hosted the Brits. And this feels worse. Anyway.

At least I haven't got a unit of Jack's show. I'll continue. I'll continue. I'll continue. I was so disappointed by Emily and Alan in the last show. Well, you should try listening to this show. I know you don't like advertising your other work on the show. We've got the same rule about my tour in Hull tomorrow night, haven't we? We don't like advertising your work on the show.

But when you were talking about toenails last week, and you said that you'd talked about the same subject on another show, my face started to smile. I thought, I know what Emily or Alan will say now. They'll say, oh, don't start. But the smile aborted and I felt a deep sadness on your behalf. But don't worry, Frank, there are people out here that really appreciate your work.

That's told you lot. But actually, I remember that moment and when you said we talked about this on another show, I thought we had talked about toenails... I wasn't trying to plug. No, I thought we'd talked about toenails on this show, on another show. Yeah, sure you did.

You just didn't want to give me a break. That's what it's like. Anyway, Frank Skinner's Don't Start will be available on iPlayer. Thank you for noticing. The last time I plugged... That's what it's like. Anyway, Frank Skinner's Don't Start will be available on iPlayer. Thank you for noticing. The last time I plugged... I've only ever done it once on this show, and I plugged out the first series of Don't Start,

and afterwards I felt... You hated it, didn't you? Oh, I had to use some Corsodil mouthwash one of the days. I feel the same about the tour plug I just did. I feel exactly the same about it. It is, it's disgusting. It's horrible. Stop it, that's that.

Horrible. I feel like... I feel awful. Ponch's pilot had to wash it's disgusting. It's horrible. Stop it, that's that. Horrible. I feel awful. Ponch's pilot had to wash his hands over and over because he felt unclean. Tickets still available. I feel exactly the same. Stop it. Tickets still available.

Not Ponch's Pilates, as they call him. That's what they call him now. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. On Absolute Radio.

Obsolete Radio. Is that what's going to happen when it closes down? Oh, no. On Obsolete Radio. And you can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absoluto. Frank. Yeah.

Do you want some sort of payment for every time you say Frank? I think it's time for Fashion Corner. Now, we've established there isn't really a jingle for this, is there? You played one last week which was wholly inappropriate. Let me have another look, see what we've got.

I might be able to find something. Well, I had the French music from... Oh, that was good. Fashion Corner. Yeah. Retail. Retail in general? Yeah, that'll do.

Hold it while we're here. Hello, Master Radio. Ah, fabulous. So, this week, actually it's been in the last kind of fortnight, there's been a lot of talk about these results of a wardrobe survey. Now, I know this won't interest you two very much, but a wardrobe survey is my favourite thing ever. I never assume.

No. So, the results show that women are a lot of women are secretly getting rid of their partner's clothes because they don't like them hold on this is true this is true they're calling it the victoria beckham effect that's theft though isn't it well i'm sorry but if you will dress like that not in your case frank we've already established things have picked up a lot in the last two years. I don't think Kath has any cause for complaint, to be honest. I never dress quite as good as I could do. Right. And the reason is that my entire wardrobe, more or less, is free.

It's things that when you do it, say if your host, have I got news for you, you get to keep the suit. you host have i got news for you you get to keep the suit right right they give you a suit and you get to keep it yeah so um it might not be quite the suit i would have bought if i'd gone out but it's free so you basically always look like you're about to pop onto a panel show yeah so um so yeah so that's what you end up doing so you're on a show and they say yeah oh you can keep that jumper if you like. And you think, well, I'd never have bought that in a million years. It doesn't suit me. But free.

It's free. Yeah. So I've got, I have a sort of nearly wardrobe. Oh, do you? But I have to say, Cap is... You've got those hoodies, though. You don't wear those so much anymore. I did go and buy...

Well, no, they're coming back now. That's the weather. I was going to say, do you ever fancy just buying yourself an item? You know, old school. Yeah, but I have to get slim before I'm going to buy myself anything, and I've been saying that for four years. Oh, really? You sound so like a woman.

I think you are slim, yeah. Yeah, no, but I've got... Look at this. Yeah? It's not great radio, is it? No, but at least it's legal this way. If that had been on telly, the whole thing would have been closed down now and there'd have been martial music playing.

What annoys me about... Does Madame Cockrell ever tamper with your wardrobe? No, but she was particularly unkind to me recently when I was showing her a tracksuit top and she used a word that I do not approve of, but she said it, she said it, and I'm prepared to repeat it on the radio. She said to me, you are a fan of a chavvy tracksuit top, aren't you?

Horrible. Yeah. But, in fairness, I am probably one of those, I'm probably one of the few people that sees the band Goldie Looking Chain and thinks, I'd wear that. Yeah, well, that's, funnily enough, I have, it's not exactly tracksuit top, but I've got this sort of... You might remember it.

It's a sort of orange Fred Perry top. Remember it? Do you know it? It's seared onto my retinas. Yeah. I used to wear it. And Kath just very openly says, I hate that top.

It just looks terrible. It's a bit dark, isn't it? It's not made for a person with no shoulders. She does not say that. Maybe I've added that. Should have added some shoulder pads. She's very, really down on it. And I just can't wear it now in her company.

That's what it's come down to. She doesn't like the Fred Perry at all. I think she feels that he very much stole the limelight from Bonnie Austin. She's never forgiven him. But I hate it because i think no nobody tells me i don't tell you what to wear well sometimes obviously but that's that's good we never dated yeah exactly i think isn't it sometimes i beg her to wear stuff but um oh god but um there's things i won't tolerate, though, Frank. Zero tolerance includes, the list includes, well, this is a few links, actually,

a bootcut jean. Do you understand that? I've got those, but only when I'm deep-sea diving. I hate bootcut jeans, Frank. Well, I had this conversation with a man the other day wearing bootcut jeans, and he didn't like it. I told him did you yeah i said i said i don't like any trouser that billows you did not say that yeah oh my god they're billow

they're cloud like at the extremity absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio wardrobe um stuff we was talking about. So, yeah, so it doesn't all... And now I won't tolerate a bootcut, Jean. It's a bit Grant Bovey. And whilst we're on the Grant Bovey subject, a cowboy boot won't tolerate that either on a man. Well, how often the two go together, of course.

Well, exactly. I've got... Why do you think i won't date richard hammond i've got uh well how long you got i um i've got cowboy boots for um my baby oh i mean they were sent i didn't buy that's quite cute actually brother's allowed to wear them he's the only man who's allowed because he's i think kids you know they they like to be cowboys different rules apply yeah different rules apply for children totally i can be quite militant about a rogue item in a partner's wardrobe i dated a guy once and he had a red it makes me feel ill

even thinking about it i can't believe he wore it i can't believe i dated somebody who wore this i wonder what what did he have, a red what? A red what, yeah, yeah. Well, it was a red bomber jacket in what can only be described as a sort of fuzzy felt fabric. A huge sort of blouson pocket. Yeah. And the colour red. It was like, you know those tomato ketchup dispensers in the fast food greasy spoon cafe?

The best thing about this story is that it doesn't really matter when you dated this man because that was not a fashionable item at whatever time were you saying in our lifetime but surely that's what james dean wears in rebel without a course isn't it this guy didn't look like james dean no but that's what he wears he wears he looked more like sort of a young kenneth kendall google it um he what we used to call a wind cheetah yeah well cheetah was right um so he turned up that was right too there you go he turned up frank looking like the tomato oh it's awful really skinny he was as well talk about slender loris he couldn't carry that look oh i'm desperate to know who he is now

but we'll find out i'll tell you afterwards you assume he's famous he might be a civilian yeah well um please don't use that okay sorry i like sorry he turned up and i had to say i had to call him on it i said i'm really sorry but i really don't like that jacket i can't i find it offensive no i wouldn't go out with him? No, I wouldn't go out the door. You see, it doesn't seem right. You can be oppressed, but when Kath criticises something I wear, I find myself not wearing it.

Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, it's poisoned my mind against it. Of course, there are other things. As you know, I've had to give up on denim because of my age. Yeah. I mean, a denim jacket, she'll go mad if I wear a denim jacket. I really would have thought you could keep the denim jacket, but not the jeans.

I saw Sir Trevor Nunn on his way to the tube station the other morning. You know Sir Trevor Nunn? Oh, absolutely. He was double denim. Really? Really fine. He was, I mean,

and you know what he's, I mean, I think he started dyeing both the hair and the facials. Oh, really? Oh, is he dyeing the facials now? I have tremendous respect for him as a director, a creative man. As a theatre director. But with the dyed beard and the...

If you can imagine that the status quo line-up was Francis Rossi, Rick Parfitt, Captain Haddock. That's what he looked like. I mean... Shaking... There was a character called Shaking Haddock. That's what he looked like. I mean... Shaking... There was a character called Shaking Haddock. I went and saw Shaking Haddock last night. He was great.

We've had a text. It was actually a tweet in from a lady who says, my partner and I are arguing about a pair of jeans. He thinks Frank would like them. I don't. That's Fiona in Edinburgh. Oh, we need to know more about the jeans. It's difficult because I never say to Kath, no, them i don't that's fiona and edinburgh oh we need to know more about the jeans it's difficult because i never say to cath no no don't wear that oh really

oh i i do i think when my wife gets a new garment to my girlfriend like that my wife gets a new garment that she really likes she does that thing of wearing it to death because she really loves it and so after about two or three months, when it's been worn loads, I'll start saying, are there new jeans that you've got on there? Are there new? I've never seen those before. I'm mocking the fact that they've been worn daily. If I get an item I like, I'll always wear it to death.

Do you know death? It's that gay clubbing. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I know we haven't got a button for a music news corner but we've been to fashion corner and email corner so here's some music news we haven't got many corners left here's some music news people I think there's a total of four what's the music news people. I think there's a total of four.

What's the music news? The Beach Boys, three of the Beach Boys founding members have been dumped by the band's frontman, Mike Love, via a public statement, no less. Not even a private text message or a fax. The thing is that one of the ones dumped is Brian Wilson.

Exactly. He was quite a key member, wasn't he? Yeah, you'd say that he was... There's a picture in the article of... Instrumental. I know, he was instrumental. I think he sang as well. Nah. There's a picture in the article of five of them and it looks like three of them have recently been to the Solomon Islands.

Yeah. The other two have not. Well, they have got the I have given up Hawaiian shirts, men of a certain age. Absolutely, men of a certain age. Yeah, but if you're one of the beach boys, there is a bit of pressure to wear a short sleeve. Yeah, yeah. Well, the joy of those shirts is that they don't need ironed and they don't need to be cleaned.

They could have dinner all down them and they're just going, I'm in my 70s, it doesn't matter. They always used to wear the stripes. They used to wear matching blue and white stripes shirts. I know that's what's probably helping. They're not getting on well enough to be matching their outfits anymore by the looks of it. Can I just say as well, I think boys, I think that shit

might have sailed. I think they might need to rethink the name. But they could do that. The ones who have been sacked could form the Beachmen. Oh yeah. I think it's more the Old Men of the Sea. Yeah. That's a bit more appropriate. If they called themselves the Beachmen,

then my love slot would suddenly become the sort of S Club Juniors. Yeah, yeah. They'd be completely undermined. The inferior. The Sandmen? That's sort of spooky, isn't it? It's better, though. I think there might have been.

I think there was a Sandman. Probably, yeah. I think the Beachmen sounds too much like bitumen, doesn't it? Yes, this is true. I think there might have been. I think there was a Sandman. Probably, yeah. I think the Beachmen sounds too much like bitumen, doesn't it? Yes, this is true. The stuff that you make the roofs with. I think Steve Tyler

would probably take legal action. Oh, yeah, he often does. He's very litigious. Speaking of legal action, has it not often occurred to you, you know the Beach Boys song California Girls? Yes, I do.

You know it begins do you remember when the men at work did uh they did that meant come from a land down under oh yeah they got sued because it was like a traditional song that they'd uh nicked yeah surely that comes from auntiety Mary had a canary Up the leg of her drawers It wouldn't come down for half a crown And won the Victoria Cross Surely that's the same.

Well, I'm amazed more people haven't picked up on that. Yeah, exactly. That's some small shit. I don't know they've got away with it. Well, let me start it now. I know that if he wants trouble my love let's give him some trouble i suggest if the person who wrote auntie mary is listening to this yeah um get on to it i think it's safe to say he wants trouble frank because what i did well

he's got a bit knocked and one thing i cannot abide and i won't tolerate is old people getting angry really it's just undignified you've had your time for anger it belongs to the youth Well, he's got a bit knocked. And one thing I cannot abide and I won't tolerate is old people getting angry. Really? It's just undignified. You've had your time for anger. It belongs to the youths. Yeah, that's what they do. They lose control gradually.

It's like tramps or something. I don't like them arguing. It makes me feel ill. Do you know I was having this conversation with my girlfriend just the other day? What? She doesn't like old people getting angry either. Well, my love has never been...

He's always been trouble. He's the cousin of the Wilsons, but he sued that he should get some royalties for the songs. He's just... I don't think he's... Is that right? You know, he might be called Love, but that's not his. Whereas Carol Smiley... Happy. Happy you go look at you.

What was his autobiography, Frank? Surely he went for All You Need Is. He should have, shouldn't he? I don't know what it was. Yeah, there ought to be a... I bet some of that... OK, then, that's the texting. What should Mike love?

I bet he's already written one, but you'll have a rubbish, bitter, angry title. Peace and? Yeah, what should he call his autobiography frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio frank earlier on this show do you want some sort of payment of the town so frank um well you were rather surreally, you were asking listeners to text in suggested

titles for Mike Love's autobiography, Mike Love of Beach Boys fame. Some suggestions have come in. We have Love's a Beach. That's Paul from Croydon. That's very good. I think that is good. I like the Beach Comb Overs. Very good

indeed. Who sent that? Nobody. That's 580. 580. 580. No name. And then we have My Glove by Mike Love from Carolyn Hextable. My Glove.

My Glove. My Glove. If only he had some sort of ornate glove that he could write that about. I wouldn't read a whole book. Not a whole, not a whole like 20 chapters on his glove yeah maybe one it could be a brochure okay i wonder if for the beach boys it's time to throw in the towel that's what i wonder the book no oh Oh. Keith says, that's our Keith. Oh, yeah. I always know because he says bro at the end. Okay. The book should be called Amour and More. Amour. So it's love and more. Oh, Amour. Or love and money. That's from Keith. Love and money. He's still got it. Oh, he has. Hell, yes.

What other contact from the outside world has there been? Oh, well, we've had emails. I'm not saying it's Email Corner, but... I don't know what they'll think of next. You don't want me to play the jingle at this stage, do you? I'm not bossing you about. You can do it if you want to do it. You don't have to do it. I just thought we were heading towards the end of the corner.

It's all getting a bit Beach Boys. Email Corner. What about this one? I'd forgotten this one completely that's depressing isn't it and I actually recorded that while drinking a glass of water. Amazing. Where did the whistle come from, you're asking?

There should be a woman going, I love your conciousness over there. Oh, it's so depressing. Hold on, before you read this, I think we'd better have some music. You know, we've got certain obligations. We're a music channel. I know. I know it gets away in all of this sizzling chat. But hey, sit back and enjoy this.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, here's an email. Hi, Frank M and Al. Yeah. I listen to the show by podcast and I'm surviving quite well without the adverts, but must admit to missing the songs. Still, you don't get anything for free these days.

He started quite low-beat. There is a podcast. What is that podcast you can get? Oh, the Cloud thing. Mix Cloud. Mix Cloud. Mix Cloud, yeah. So that gets my choices on.

Plus the chat. It's like we're in a factory. What? Speak. I've got headphones on. It's no good standing there going, Mix Cloud. Project. Carry on. You'd have's no good standing there going, Mixed Clown. Project. There you are.

You'd have been no good at Rose Bruford. I'll continue. Wonderful, wonderful drama school. I felt I should let you know about a compulsion I've developed along the lines of your Cashpoint theme, Got Brass in Pocket. We are soon to enter the period... I should say that whenever I take money out of a Cashpoint, I always leave singing Got Brass in Pocket by the Pret soon to enter the period... I should say that whenever I take money out of a cash point,

I always leave singing Got Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders. I still do it. Little tunes for life, isn't it? We're soon to enter a period that I call Black Eyed Peas. That is wintertime when we need to wrap up warm, and I always seem to have a glove missing when it's time to go out. Whilst looking frantically for said item, I sing I Only Got One Glo only got one glove one glove which somehow

comforts me and of course if i can't find it i can always pretend i'm michael jackson with love from the sunny south coast best not to do that born with exactly p.s stayed awake all night last night trying to remember les dennis's name and refused to google it to help glad i remembered but very tired today well respect to, because one of our house rules is you only Google if you don't know, not if you don't remember. Now, that would have done fabulous things for the neurons in your brain. Yes, you're right. This grey matter has had a workout, hasn't it?

I had a similar experience. Sorry. I was just going to say, really, this glove reference, I think they've overlooked. Surely it should be Where Is The Glove, which was the Black Eyed Peas song. Yeah. That's better. Or in Bob Marley,

One glove, one bare hand. Well, I spent what must have been an hour and 40 minutes trying to remember the name of the film in which Sharon Stone crosses her legs in a provocative fashion. Oh, yeah. And I couldn't, and I would not Google under any circumstances. And interestingly, one of the names that kept coming into my head was Brief Encounter.

And I realised after, that's exactly what it wasn't. It was almost like I got this... My brain was still thrown in a couple of ponds, even in a moment of distress. So, of course, in case you're worried, it's basic instinct. Hank, we've had a text in. What would you say is my best chance to get into radio with no experience? That's from Laura. I just wondered if you might be able to help.

Well, it worked for me. I think your best thing is to become a borderline national treasure. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week, and we love you all. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio.