The Frank Skinner Show - Balsamic Glaze

Episode Date: February 29, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Alun is away this week, so the team are joined by Gareth Richards. Frank has been to a wedding and has had a moral dilemma. The team also discuss singing accompanying songs, and who is Pete?

Hello, this is Frank Skinner. Look, I'm going back on the road again. I know, I know, with my show, uh, showbiz. I've finished the London thing and I just want to go back to the places that we didn't do on the national tour and places that sold out like super quick. Um, witnesses, that's what I'm after. Anyway, look, if you fancy coming to see me, I thought I'd let you know that there's a, there's a, you know, I've never typed in one of these in my life, but I'm going to do it for you. There's an address. It's www.absoluteradio.co.uk slash tickets. It's like one of those proper things. And if you, if you type that in, you'll see where I'm playing and when and all the possible details you could need. I'd love to see you.

And who knows, you might even like to see me. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning. Gareth Richards is like the William Hartnell of this show. He was the first... I'm still alive.

The first manifestation for me. Your teeth aren't that bad. For me, so is William Hartnell. Although he might not be the first doctor after tomorrow night's episode. We'll find out. You can text the show on 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via 812.15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Why don't you try that one for a change? Free? Nice to have Gareth here. Yes, it is. Lovely to be here. Of course, in The Five Doctors,

they got a different actor, didn't they? Yeah, they got Richard Herndall. Yeah, it was weird they found someone with a similar name. William Hartnell, Richard Herndall. Yeah. It was weird they found someone with a similar name. William Hartnell, Richard Herndall. I've never thought of that before. Do you know what? And then, of course, David Bradley is now playing him. Of course, yeah.

Yeah, of course. Boredom, boredom. So glad you're here, Gareth. Yeah, because I was watching Harry Potter this week with my son who's gone completely pottery about it. Well, it's in the family with you. That's good. Ah, yes.

Frank's brother-in-law is Jack Thorne. Oh, yes, of course. Just to remind you. That's right. Yes. Who wrote? Yes. The Cursed Child.

Very good. Okay, it's out. The news is out. Very good. Okay, it's out. The news is out. Anyway, David Bradley plays Squelch, Bilch, Gulch. The bloke with the cat. Oh, Filch.

Is it Filch? Yes. The caretaker. But having to explain the Doctor Who connection, when he's the first, he wasn't actually the first Doctor, he played the first Doctor originally in a sort of a drama about the mate. I mean, it's too much for a seven-year-old. In the end, I just let it go.

I feel for my parents, having to look at Doctor Who when we were children and say, is that the man who was so drunk he couldn't get up from the sofa last weekend? So I would have killed for that. You don't know what you've got, you people. You don't know what you've got, you people. You don't know what you've got till it's gone, everybody. Pea paradise.

Put a park in line. Yup, yup, yup, yup. On a very similar vein, because we went to the Harry Potter exhibition at the Warner Brothers, and there was a weird moment where... At the Warner Brothers? Me and my weird moment where... Who's we? Me and my family. Okay.

Because we're also Harry Potter fans. I like the Warner Brothers. The Warner Brothers. The Warner Brothers Studios. I'm not sure what their name is because it's like the Harry Potter Warner Brothers Studios. It's a very long name. I'll tell you what, I saw a coach like a boss the other

day. You know on the front... Great story. I'm finished. That's the cliffhanger. There's more coming. Mesh or bird in the sky. And you know when it says on the front things like Peckham and stuff? No.

And then it says... South of the river, darling. It says Harry Potter event. So it was an actual country. It wasn't like that narrow, ghosty bus thing. No, not the night bus. Was it like a Harry Potter stag? Did they do a stag?

It was picking up at King's Cross station. Oh, there we go. So I wonder if... Platform 9 and 3 quarters. I wonder if it was a whole Harry Potter... You know, picking up at King's Cross is sort of part of the thing. Anyway, carry on.

It used to mean something else in my day, picking up at King's Cross. Yeah, that's all changed. It's online now. It's all changed. Yeah, God, that was the Chamber of Secrets. It's all... Yeah, God, that was the Chamber of Secrets. And there was a weird moment in Dumbledore's office. Oh, yeah.

Around the set of Dumbledore's office. It's really good there. Come on. There's a weird moment in Dumbledore's office. It's at the Chamber of Secrets as well. And where there was a seven-year-old boy explaining, because of course the first Dumbledore died, so there was a different Dumbledore for the third movie,

which is a bit bleak, isn't it? Was just a punter, a child. Because it's when Richard Harris played the first Dumbledore. It's good that they learn all that, though. It's cheaper than buying a McGinney pig. It's true. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I

went to a wedding last weekend. At Lansing College. Which is not a medieval boot camp. Or about boil drainage. Have you heard of Lansing?

No, I haven't. It's a very sort of... It's a public school. I once drove from Brighton to Worthing and this thing appears on the horizon like a gothic spaceship has landed. There's nothing around it. You know, have you ever driven past George Royal Bank?

I remember that scare in the hell out of me. And other things are not usually host on a Saturday morning. Well, it's a tremendous experience. You're driving along and suddenly... It's a sort of Turkish prison. There's a fabulous alien invasion thing going on. So the wedding...

So it was, yeah, it was in the chapel at Lansing College, which apparently they wanted to film Harry Potter there. And the bursar said he didn't want the school to be connected with witches and broomsticks and all that stuff. Quite right. It's the devil's work. Much better. So consequently, they still have quite a lot of fundraisers

making up for the money that they would have made out of being the Harry Potters. But it's an incredible looking, obviously I'm guessing it's a good school, but the chapel, I actually read... Could it be even better if they'd taken that money oh man can you imagine it I

would have, I did a reading at the wedding I read from Paul's letter to the Colossians oh yes which begins you are the people of God was the first bit so I got up and I just looked at them and said you are the people, God was the first bit so I got up and I just looked at them

and said you are the people there was some edginess amongst them I think they thought I'd gone off script did one of them stand up and say no I am the people of the Colossians I would have done that I'm Spartacus yes I get the reference

but you look a bit annoyed I don't think it quite works. Okay. I mean, I'm happy to workshop it. That's fine. I'm happy to workshop it off air. Okay. It's not live, is it?

Live? Anyway, so it was pretty amazing. And then they had a choir and a man got up. Oh, yes. And he sang Oh, Happy Days. You know that one? Right. Oh, happy days.

Now, that... I must have told you that whenever I get money out of a cash point, I always sing. It's like I can't help myself. I always sing Got Cash in Pocket by the Pretenders. Do you ever sing Got Brass in Pocket? Yes. I just don't think it quite works, the Cash in Pocket.

Okay. Well, it's... Oh, it's heated in here, listeners. It's better than you are the people of the Colosseum. Anyway, so... This tension's going to be running throughout the whole of this podcast, if you're listening to the podcast or show, if you're listening live.

We normally get on really well. What do you make of that, Gareth? Uh-oh. I'm triangulating. Oh God, I thought it was the drains. So, um Oh God, I forgot what I was talking about oh yeah so no oh happy day oh happy day is one of my things one of my song things but i don't sing have you ever sing Balsamic Glaze Balsamic Glaze

Balsamic Glaze Balsamic Glaze And then I do quite an odd thing when I say I'm quite partial quite partial Yes I'm partial And then

Balsamic Glaze So it was very difficult a man singing it in a chair to me not being able to sing Balsamic glaze. So it was very difficult, a man singing it in a chair, to me not being able to sing balsamic glaze. Honestly, I felt so restrained. It was... You know that time I was arrested at the station in Leicester? Oh, it's a long time ago. On Absolute Radio.

Balsamic glaze if there's anyone, any of our readers who sing an accompanying song to any of the activities they do in life that we can talk about on air at least do let us know I'd like to, maybe we could

put together a sort of compilation tape to accompany people Do let us know. I'd like to, maybe we could put together a sort of compilation tape to accompany people on various activities. Do you guys have any sing-along moments? I do. I have a lot of dog-based ones. Oh, yeah? Because I like to do it to my dog.

I like to encourage him. I like him to think, because they really respond to tone, I've discovered dogs. What, you mean they don't understand the language? No, they understand tone. Oh, yes, I thought it was that. It's like quite straightforward people. Do you know what I mean? You use tone rather than language because they understand that more. You say, no.

Right. Yes, good boy. So I have certain songs I sing to him, which I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit. I might sing Randy Newman's You've Got a Friend in Me. Oh, yeah. But for what purpose? No, and then Walking the Dog.

You know that everybody's doing it, everybody's walking the dog. I have sung that to him. But do you do that as a communication i'm going to get critique now and i got it wrong no um i do i do it as a communication yes because it's to spur him on and encourage him yeah you've got a friend in me that's a nice montage man just have to like self-edit the montage do it but as you say you could yes you could just go But as you say, you could just go... Because he doesn't need the words.

Yeah, he doesn't need the words. Was it Lisa Girard from Dead Can't Dance? Who used to just sometimes not bother with actual words and just invent her own language. Oh. You could try that. Okay. Just a thought. I've got a lot of pokemon based ones

i play pokemon cards now i won't go into it too much but there's weird there's certain cards you play in pokemon and there's one called acerola and i sing my shirona for that oh that's good like it's a card that did it used to, you could pick up a whole Pokemon with everything attached to it. Yeah, I've started singing that. Hey, it's a roller! Can you not... Sorry. It's a bit too like the virus.

That's right. So let's leave it. I'll save it. Yeah. Oh, yes, the chapel. Yes. Now, it was very... There was a lot of amazingly carved wood in there.

Now, I know a lot of our readers i know from past communication like to whittle right and if you're a whittler it just goes to show you how far you can take that yeah with uh have you ever whittled i think i i've i've i've flirted with whittling but i've never on you know not uh it's never a 20 success. I was on holiday in Montana and a lot of the actual proper cowboys, they whittle as a matter of course. Really?

If there's going to be a slight delay they just get a bit of wood and a knife out and off we go. But you see the trouble is if you're in outside like that and it's sort of, you know, prairie land it's alright with the wood. Exactly. The is, if you're outside like that, and it's sort of prairie land, it's all right with the wood. Exactly. The problem is, if you're at home...

Yeah, inside, it's a lot of mess to clear up, isn't it? Yeah, you're watching a drama on the telly and you're whittling. It's like chewing tobacco, it's the same thing. It's where do you spit? 8, 12, 15. A group of us once had chewing tobacco in a pub and we all spat into a small half glass. And it was this terrible, like a spittoon.

We created a spittoon in the middle of the table. Was that when you were hanging out with Lee Marvin and John Wayne? It was. I don't know who I was hanging out with, to be honest. But it was... Anyway, the wedding... Now, this was a pain. I don't know who I was hanging out with, to be honest. But it was... Anyway, the wedding... Now, this was a first for me. I've been to a few weddings.

And a first for them, we should say. Yeah. Because you can't take that on trust these days. No, but it was also a baptism. Oh, lovely. So I'd never been to a double one. Because it was all, you know, it was very much... Was there a baby? There was a baby.

A two for one, I love it. Yeah, it was a very much, well, while we're here, it's had that feel to it. While we're at the altar. For the people getting married, their baby. Yeah. Oh. So they got married.

It's fine. Yeah, so it was all part of the same ceremony. They got married and then the baptism happened. Oh, that's nice. So when they came down the aisle... Was the baby in? They're holding the baby. For the wedding?

It's quite an amazing image. Hmm. In the bridal dress holding the baby? Yeah. I love that. Yeah, it was... I must say it was a big success. At first I thought I was completely affronted by the whole concept.

No, I love it. You could incorporate the baby into the dress, I'm thinking. Well, he had a baptismal gown on, so there was a sort of sense of continuity. I think that's one of my favourite things, the child's baptismal gown. Oh, God. I've still got bosses.

It's like a white, silky thing. I love it. You're wearing it now, I see. Yeah. It won't fit me. It's like if Casper the Friendly Ghost went to a premiere. It's the kind of thing he'd wear. Lovely.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're at the wedding. Yes. I tell you, there was... Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, yes. So we're at the wedding. Yes. I tell you, there was... Brian's got the child, which I love, FYI. I tell you, I made a bit of a discovery at the wedding. Have you ever had scotch egg with a blob of mustard in the middle of it?

In a canapé form or... In a canapé form. Oh, man, the mustard makes such a difference. What a fool I've been. I've never tried... It was fantastic, I'll just say that. But the great joy for me... Of course, the wedding was a joyous occasion, but who am I sharing a table with at the evening do?

Who? One of the great left-handed England batsmen of all time, I would say, David Gower. Oh, bit of Gower. I mean, I gave him... Oh, man. I said to him, look, I'm not going to talk to you about cricket.

Then I just talked to him about cricket for about two hours. Probably for the best. I couldn't stop. Well, I knew he was a wine connoisseur. You see, I think that's very considerate when they sit the celebrities together. It's fair. It's like, look, come on.

And also David Gower, I mean, that's sort of post-celebrity. There's something about sports people. Well, it's two national treasures, Frank. Some would say they should share them out. But, you know. I said, I remember your first delivery in Test cricket. You pulled it for four, didn't you? And he said it was the bowl. I didn you know. But I just, you know, I said, I remember your first delivery in Test cricket.

You pulled it for four, didn't you? And he said it was the bowl. I didn't know. I said, it was tricky. I mean, he pushed me to the limit. But it was... Has he still got, Frank, the lovely lustrous curls? He had a lovely curl, a silvery...

He hasn't got the Harpo marks of yesteryear, but he has still... He's still a very handsome fellow. He looks like a national hero still. He's got that national hero glow. I think there was a few power cuts. It didn't seem to affect our table. And I think, because we were in a Spiegel tent

by this stage in the evening, so that we could Spiegel. Did you dance? I didn't actually dance, no. the the family are very von trapp and so like the mom and dad got up and said that this could and sang this could be the start of something big as a duet you know and then what a swell party it was like that then the bride got up and sang i I mean, it was like a variety evening. Yes. But meanwhile, there was a slight hum of me saying,

yeah, but what about when the Pakistanis came over in 1970? And all that. But the wine connoisseur... David's going, I've got to go, Frank. I've got a car waiting. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, just one more. But there was...

I have only one wine story, basically. And so I gave him that. And that was, I bought my, when my manager and I had been together for 25 years, I bought him, I thought I'll get him a nice bottle of wine. I know nothing about wine, but he loves it, you know. You know what they're like, the rich. And I bought him, I was recommended by this wine person, I bought him a bottle of Chateau Lafitte 1961.

Ah. So I told David Gower this. You really taste the feet. Yes. And David Gower said to me well that's a great that is a great it's in 1960 he said I don't know what

1961 is the great why so I thought oh good and I was telling him that it's the only time

what's happened to you boasting about buying wine I know but this bottle this bottle it gets worse this bottle of wine was it's the it gets worse, this bottle of wine was, it's the only time I've bought someone a present

when I've had to tell them how much it costs. Because the wine was 1,500 quid a bottle. And you don't want someone to drink a 1,500 quid. You don't want someone to drink that. No, but you don't want them to drink it not knowing that it's 1,500 quid. You don't want someone to drink that. No, but you don't want them to drink it not knowing that it's 1500 quid. You want to know that. You want to know it while you're actually swallowing

it that it's 1500 quid. Imagine if they said, oh, we've got that party. Oh, you know what? Just grab that wine Frank gave us. I mean, that'd be all right. We've got to launch that ship down by the canal. You want to know. You want to be saying, OK, it's 1,500 quid bottle of wine coming out.

Here we go. That's what you want. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So, I want to run something by you because it includes a moral dilemma. Oh, yeah. I just ran one past you in the break. Very good advice as ever.

Thank you. Thank you. We moved. We moved. We've been in a flat and we're moving into a house. We moved this week. And the removal men arrived. I love a removal man.

So they rang the bell and I went to let them in. And then as I walked away from the living room, my partner, Kath, went, and I thought, oh, I've got a dilemma here. I said, you all right? Which is a stupid question in context. Frank, Frank. So I thought, oh God. So I went, I opened the door

and just left it open and went back in. And she'd done a, she, on the floor, she couldn't, she was like on all fours, and then she was like leaning on the coffee table in a complete panic. And she said, I can't move, I can't move. My back, my back.

And meanwhile, I'm saying, well, I've just got to let the removal then. And then she fainted. Because I think the pain was so extreme. Well, that gives you a minute, doesn't it? Well, exactly. It was, you know, very. So then I'm in a panic. And then they come in and they said, you know, what will we do?

What will we start? And I said, look, I don't... I just... My partner, she's done her backing. Look, she's just fainted. They think you wanted to move the partner out the flat. She's no use to me now. Well, they said, yeah, but we need to get...

You know, we need to start. And I said, yeah, but this is quite a big thing. Well, this room, shall we do the... And I said... I just can this is quite a big thing. Well, this room, shall we do the... And I said, I just can't do the work, I'll be a minute. So anyway, happily, my personal assistant arrived. Thank God for that. Thank goodness. If only all fairy tales ended that way.

Yeah, and the removal men, be fair to them, we had to send for an ambulance. She just couldn't move. What was wrong? Her back had just gone. And so these two medics arrived, who I have to say were brilliant. And they managed, we couldn't move her at all.

Then she fainted again because of the pain. So it was getting a bit bad. Anyway, they got her on a stretcher and then two of the removal men did help carry her down to the ambulance. So I had actually come to move furniture and ended up carrying my girlfriend out to the thing.

And then we had 12 hours at the local hospital that day. So that was a bit of waiting. Obviously, the NHS is a very glorious institution that we all think is only one place away from heaven, and it's absolutely brilliant, and we love it. It's our NHS, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

There was a lot of waiting. However, yes. I do think in the 2012 Olympic ceremony, it would have been better if they'd have said, ladies and gentlemen, the NHS, and then it would have been like a two hour wait. It would have been more realistic. But anyway, when they did arrive, they were brilliant.

Now people say there's nothing worse than moving. Yeah. How do you feel about that now? Well, injury, I mean, I think that's probably up there. So you had two of the stressful experiences. Moving and being in a hospital with your partner.

Can we just confirm that Kath is okay? Well, she's she was she walked a bit yesterday and then she but it's not there's more to this because there's a bit

where I'm not sure if we did the right thing or not but I'm going to run that by you because I think you're good. I'm putting her out of her misery. You're good. Yeah. No, I slept with three other women while she was in hospital. Right. I did.

I'd be the one with a bad back. That'd be the truth of it. I'd say. I'd say I'd be the... What are you looking at me like that for? This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Gareth Richards is with us this morning.

Good morning. I know. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I was in the midst of telling you about our lumber

catastrophe. And we should say that people have got in touch keen to know that Kath is okay 189 has got in touch, Morning Frank and Squad, Jack the Garder from Bromley here. Did the removal men wrap your girlfriend up in those grey blankets

before loading her up in the ambulance? They didn't. There was a very sort of flimsy blanket on the stretcher that came with the... We should recap in case there's any freshly joining us. The removal men arrived, Frank, and Kath had an incident. Yeah, so the removal men carried Kath out on the stretcher,

or two of them did, which was very decent of them. And also, sorry, Frank, Ian Angle. They've just chipped the corner off her. That's the problem. On the way out. Ian Angle, yes. Ian Angle, 740.

Frank, do you believe in fainting now? I'm pretty sure you were a previous sceptic. I hope she's OK now. Well, you know what they're like. Michael Parkinson in 1972. It was bad. It was pretty bad. She had to have an MRI scan. Now, if you've never had an MRI scan,

there's a lot of radioactivity involved and you're sitting like an enormous doughnut or you're lying in it as you couldn't sit or stand. And, I mean, I wouldn't mind an album of the MRI scanner's sounds. Oh. Because it sort of goes... DOESN'T MIND AN ALBUM

DOESN'T MIND AN ALBUM DOESN'T MIND AN ALBUM DOESN'T MIND AN ALBUM That's a bit of a... DOES thought, we listen to stuff like this at home. I remember that full song. Yeah. It's very Marky Smith. But anyway, she had to take all the metal off her. Did you have to put the headphones on? Oh, yeah.

And they ask you if you've got any metal in you and stuff like that, you know. None of your beeswax? But I'd like some. Yeah. That's what you say to Metal Mickey. So she was a bit anxious about Metal Mickey. He's a lot of fun.

I had a bit of a crush on him. Anyway. Which famous drama was involved in the production phone. I have a bit of a crush on him. Anyway, as you heard. Which famous drummer was involved in the production of Metal Mickey? Oh, I love questions like this. Well, I mean... We'll come back to that, because my partner's in the MRIs.

Will you go start, or Pete Townsend, I'm going to go. Pete Townsend, not. Okay, was he not a drummer? Oh, I do apologise. No, that was the other one who died in the pool. Brian. Yeah, Brian. Anyway. We'll come back to that. Someone will text it in anyway.

So I... She's a bit claustrophobic of the big donut. Oh, yeah? So I... I went in with her. What, in the donut? Into the radiation. Oh, just in the room.

Just stood in the radiation. Oh, that's nice. So I had to take all my metal bits off as well, which was, I mean, an absolute nuisance. The piercings? The whole thing came out. The Prince Albert. By leading an ox around.

I think that's lovely. When Bankpuss has an MRI scan, all his friends have an MRI scan. Well, it's exactly it's fair enough it was yeah as we stood in there with the

I was thinking and tonight is the night when two via the radiation become one it's like like a radiation wedding

we had we should have got boss in there as well it was so anyway It's like a radiation wedding. We had. We should have got boss in there as well. So anyway, we went into... That's very specialist interest. It is, yeah. What gets you in the mood? We love a bit of radiation. Hey, babe, do you want to go MRI tonight?

Oh, yes, Frank. That's what she talks like. Yeah, it was... Anyway, then we get to the moral dilemma element. See what you think of this. But I'm going to... It's going to be on a cliffhanger. Oh, I know.

Because the producer is not just putting the fez in front of me, but, you know, that thing she does when she pinches, that fleshy bit just under my armpit. Yeah. I hate that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. He's back. Gareth was in the...

He was having a comfort break. Yeah. He was in the gentleman's convenience, but he has just made it back. God. Tremendous work. So, yeah. So, yeah, so anyway, so the doctor at the hospital said,

look, you're going to have to stay the night. We don't send people out who are in this much pain. So we're going to have to put you on the general ward and Kat said I don't want to, I really don't want to stay and he said well look you can't walk and she said I'm sure I'll be alright just give me some, so they gave her some morphine which didn't seem to work

anyway she signed a letter that said I am discharging myself against medical advice and all that to cover the blow. So we started, me and her cat sister, Rachel had arrived by then. She'd been there quite a while, thank God. So we started walking out. She just couldn't do it.

And then a nurse, a helpful nurse, said, are you all right? Do you want a wheelchair? And we thought, ooh. So we put her in the wheelchair and we just took her home. We went out of the hospital. That's a nice sort of Christmas future for you. We just set off into the night on this wheelchair.

future for you. We just set off into the night on this wheelchair. And I wasn't sure if we were supposed to just take it out of the hospital and away like that. But we did take it back after. But we took her all the way

home on this wheelchair. It had a sort of E.T. on the bike feel. Did you have a red hoodie on? What happened when. on the bike feel to it. Did you have a red hoodie on? What happened when you returned the wheelchair? Was it you on your own in the middle of the night with the empty wheelchair? Rachel went back with the wheelchair because she said it's a good place to get a cab from the hospital.

Yeah. So she went back. But I don't know if you're supposed to take them off the premises or not, but it was an emergency. Yes. I think as long as you took went back. But I don't know if you're supposed to take them off the premises or not, but it was an emergency. Yes. I think as long as you took it back. If we'd have kept it, it would have been wrong. There was a bit where it was just outside our house

because we couldn't get up the steps. And ours is a road where people will put three VHSs out for people to take away. And I thought, I don't want anyone. VHSs? Yeah. I'd say that as an example because I saw exactly that on a wall yesterday.

Wow. Three VHSs. So, yeah. Fly tipping is my worst thing. I don't want your old table from the 80s. People do take it away, don't they? People. People meeting people.

Come on, everybody. If you're at home, sing along with me. So, it's Cafe Co. People. People meeting people. Come on, everybody. If you're at home, sing along with me. So is Kath OK? Are the lucky... Sorry. Is Kath OK, please? Well, she is doing a bit of walking and then a bit of lying down and then a bit of walking.

So she's much, much better than she was. Well, this escalated dramatically. Yeah. But it was quite an adventure. And God bless the NHS. That's what I say. And I don't mind, you know, the two-hour wait. It gave us a chance to talk.

Yeah. You have to turn your phone off. I know we've got to go. I know we have to go for, not a comfort break, but a small musical break. But just to let you know, Frank, Nigel, reading, reading. I unfortunately have regular MRI scans. I really enjoy it.

It's like being on drugs in an old gas pipe, wearing your grand's glasses and listening to The Prodigy at full volume. Wow. Well, can I be absolutely honest about it? While I was there, I i was you know i do do i know people don't normally fess up to this sort of thing but i have a series of sort of daydream things that i do like being manager of barcelona and stuff like that um and i was i was

so 1970s doctor Who, that thing, because just the colour of it. There's a certain sort of medical beige colour, which is so 70s Doctor Who. Just the pert we're in when colour first arrived. And I was slightly loving it, especially with the noises and that. God, I wish I'd had me sonic.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There was a great moment just then when Frank pointed to me about something to do with the show and I loved it because he had his headphones. He drives the desk, you know, he had all his buttons and it was very Thunderbirds. Very Mike Mansfield. There used to be a programme called i think supersonic and there was a guy he was like one of these 70s music producers with hair too long for a man of his age white feathery hair and he'd say things like cue rye woods wizard and you'd

see him point and he's obviously just pointing for the camera because there's no what was he pointing at yeah and you could tell he had a slightly out-of-control ego because it was called Mike Mansfield's Cue the Music. Well, I think... Wasn't it called Super Sonic? Maybe that's a difference. There was a later one called Mike... And he'd say, Cue Level 42.

Yeah, it became, like, one of those national catchphrases. Yes. There was a whole... I think then the music business was full of some of the most terrible people on theases. Yes. There was a whole, I think then the music business was full of some of the most terrible people on the planet. Huh. And they all had hair a bit too long. Good job things have changed.

Yeah, they all had hair a bit too long for their age. We saw a man like that at the Brits the other night. I'm not going to lie, didn't we, Frank? We did. We don't know what his name was, thank goodness, or we'd probably say it on air. We gave him a name, though, didn't we, Frank? We did. We don't know what his name was, thank goodness, or we'd probably say it on air. We gave him a name, though, didn't we? Yeah, we did. We thought

he looked like a... well, a Stuart, yeah. He had a kind of a... I took a photo of his hair. He's the kind of guy who would say, yeah, well, that... it ain't gonna happen. He's the guy who might say that. But it was good that he was there,

though, because it was like there was a little table from the past. Well, also, what was great... And you know what? I love say that. But it was good that he was there, though, because it was like there was a little table from the past. Well, also, what was great... And you know what? I love the past. Well, when the past times closed, that was the worst day of your life. I hated past times, actually. I know you did. It never felt like the past to me. No, I don't think some of those relics were real.

No, it felt like QVC, the past. Well, it's because you're a big sort of Saxon fan and Saxon times. He likes going to the British Museum, so I just think you saw that as a rival for it. Yeah, it used to get me down when it's all made of pewter. Oh, it's so depressing. It's made of like a pewter, Viking pewter tank.

Yeah, it's not real. Yeah. Lewis Chessman, made out of plastic. No, thank you. Yeah, it's not real. Lewis Chessman made out of plastic. No, thank you. We had a moment at home when Buzz chipped one of my Lewis Chessman chess sets. What happened then? Just dropped it. Kids drop stuff.

I'm over it. That's good. Have we heard from the outside world at all? I feel they've been very absent. No, they're all over us. We've had a lot of people responding to your Brass in Pockets, Frank. What do we call it again, that? You came up with something for it, but it's...

How would you describe it as... I'm calling it... I don't know if... It's sort of sing-along-a-life. Things where you have a song that fits something that you do in life. So that when I have balsamic glaze, as I know we all do... Musical triggers, maybe. Balsamic glaze.

Like that. Paul Sylvester is our boss here at Absolute Radio. Texted me yesterday to say that he got up and his head was full of... Pussy said to the owl. Pussy said to the owl Pussy said to the owl Pussy said to the owl Which is the, for new readers, that was my son's way of remembering part of the lyric of the owl and the pussycat,

part of the words, was by making it the backing sound to Under Pressure. Well, Gareth was here when you first revealed that. Was I? Oh of course. Because I'll never forget him saying Under Pressure. Sounding genuinely very Under Pressure.

I think of Gareth as a man who's Under Pressure. I would have liked his version of that song though. Just sounding very upset. That's people are when they're under pressure. Anyway, we've heard from... So, Pete Rawsthorne.

When windows steam up in the car, I'm compelled to sing, Steamy windows. Yes. Are you familiar? Steamy windows. Activated by the body heat. Oh, I don't know that.

Oh, Tina Turner. Is it Tina Turner? Or someone like that. Didn't steamy windows do that? Lately I've been staring in the mirror. Wasn't that steamy windows? I don't know that one. No, he's...

Ronan Quinn got in touch on Twitter. We're taking your tweets as well. Whenever someone in our household loses a glove, I like to sing, You've lost that glove in the evening. Ah, very fine. Very fine. And Colin Gage, every time I hear a phone ring,

I sing, I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall. That is, it's every time. What you want to do, Colin, is get a ringtone that's that song. Mm. Save yourself a lot of,

uh, energy. What I liked, Frank, is when I, uh, gave a rendition of that, rather poor one,

the producer started dancing. I thought, I didn't think it was poor. I thought it was, She loves her mood. I was, I was alright with it. The rhythm is gonna getcha.

Horrible. That's what we say, that's what we say in the Catholic Church. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, Gareth, what's happening? Oh, what's been happening in my life? Oh, it's all sorts going on.

That's not good enough. We need more details. Okay. Well, we have a situation with a tree outside of our house. I don't know if you've ever experienced anything like this. Our next door neighbour, lovely lady, she's not a fan of the tree in our garden. It's a big tree, sheds leaves in the autumn.

Is she a lovely lady off air as well? No. Oh, okay. No, I mean, you know, there's... I like banks as well as that. Oh, okay. No, well, I sense that. I mean, let's call her.

She might not be our next-door neighbour. She could live anywhere in the street. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You're right to disguise her well you'll see in the story

you'll see in the story and she's really she doesn't like but the council don't let you cut down nice big trees

well no I think you've got the council mixed up with the law racks no it is the council no it's think you've got the council mixed up with the Lorax. No, it is the council. No, it's definitely the Lorax. Has the council got a massive moustache?

Yeah. No, it's the Lorax, mate. Do you know, I can't believe how much it cost me to fell a tree. Really? Yeah. I'm not even going to say I'm ashamed of the money I spent. I have to say, I... More than a bottle of wine or less than a bottle of wine?

About the same price as Frank spent on that bottle of wine for his manager. £1,500? Yeah. Yikes. Can I establish here that I really love trees in a slightly supernatural way and I'm already slightly upset about this chopping down trees? It's awful. You're an empath.

You're probably a plant empath. I'm loraxian. I have tree hogged. You know that tree hog thing? And I don't mean in an ironic comedy way. I've done it in a real try and absorb the energy of the tree. Felling can be kind, though. It encourages it to grow.

But anyway, it's like cutting the hair. But can I put everyone at ease? The tree's fine. And we're not allowed to touch... Honestly, the council in Bournemouth, we've, because she's mentioned it before when my parents owned this very self-same house and they look, the council won't let

you cut down certain trees, it's a big tree, it's, you know, adds to the nature of the street. Can I ask you a tree question? This has long been my thought about trees if there were no trees and no one had ever seen a tree, and I made a tree, I managed to get a tree...

Lovely. ..and put it in an art exhibition, wouldn't people think it was absolutely amazing? They really would. OK, carry on. Sadly, few people have made the tree. Yes, but I'm just... I know.

We take them for granted a bit. I agree. That's right. But no, we... I want to know more about this horrible neighbour. No, let's not. She's a nice lady. Okay. Is she a nice lady off air as well? No.

But yeah, she's got a long running beef with the tree. Siri said wrong there, Friday and Slim. And every time I come out, we have to kill her, talk to her. Can I ask, what is her problem with the tree? It drops leaves on her house. So moss is growing on her roof. She's frightened that the tree will fall on her house and destroy all her possessions.

Okay. Can I say the tree's never fallen down so far? When you say possessions, 1980s copies of the Radio Times? No, but also in your characterisation of her, she's only concerned about possessions. Not people or animals. She's very Roald Dahl. I can see what she looks like already.

Farmer boggies. With a long, thin nail always in his nose. Yeah, something like that. Clogging up a gutter. That tree. She hates that. That's annoying. What you need is, Have you seen tree nets?

Tree nets? At Cambridge, I was reading that Chris Packham is very upset that... Oh, yeah. ...that in Cambridge they've put tree nets on the trees, which I think stops the leaves. Is it like a big hair net for a tree? It's like a massive hair net for a tree.

Obviously, it's not great for the birds. No. Well, they've also started to put pigeon spikes on the trees. Come on, that's their natural habitat. Yeah, but for some reason, people who love animals and birds and nature, of whom I have to say I'm not really one, they don't quite class pigeons.

It's like our ageism hasn't quite made it as an ism, the way many of the other popular modernisms have. Yes, they're... They just don't get any sympathy, pigeons. No, you're right. Well, they're not in danger of dying out, are they? That's the thing. I think it's the horrible clawed feet you get.

You know when you get one with a horrible clawed, twisted foot? People don't like that. It's a bit long John Silver. I think they suffer from ubiquity the pigeon. They need to learn I think there's too many of them. Yeah well look you know this just goes to show how many different opinions

there is about pigeons. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Can I just say I want to talk about garris tree but um briefly from the outside world rich amos has said when the cold weather kicks in and it's time to stick the central heating back on i loudly announce the occasion by singing to annoy my teenage daughters, The Heating's On, by Glenn Frey, the theme to Beverly Hills Cop.

See, I don't know that. Oh, yes. But I'm loving the people doing it. The Heating's On. On. I love the people doing this. It's great. Anyway, yes.

So, it was raining, and I came back from Boots. I'd been to Boots for quite a big Boots shop. Okay. And they'd given me a paper bag. Paper bag, that won't work. This is very John Benjamin. I like it.

Keep all the stuff in. And I'm walking, it's raining and I walk into, and my next door neighbour is outside. The tree neighbour. In the rain. Yeah. And she said, I hate that tree oh no and i i you know we've we've been over this so i go and i say not her name yeah let's call her let's call her something

jemima do you call her jemima i think of that sounds too benign. I think of Jemima Puddle, darling. Esmeralda? Maud. Something short, Maud. Maud. I say Maud. We're not allowed to cut down the tree. We've talked to the council about it.

We know it worries you. And I feel, because our garden's a bit raised up, and so I was kind of over her, and I didn't feel right about that. So I went down onto her level. It's like Pete. You know that Christmas with Goofy? Mm-hmm. Christmas with Goofy's got Pete. Pete is a very strange peripheral Disney character.

Pete kind of says my worst character at Disney. I don't know. I'm not sure what animal he is, either. Oh, is he sort of like a cow? He's a bullying, aggressive Disney character. And he's a horrible neighbour to Goofy. Goofy is a very amiable... Yeah, he's stupid.

But amiable. Not a looker, to be fair. No. Goofy. No, I don't think you could call him that now. If he came out in 2020... I'd like worse. But anyway, Pete...

Definitely. Pete sort of said he gets all the snow off his drive and puts it on Goofy's drive. It's that kind of relationship. Should we call her Pete? Yeah, Pete. Is he quite... How's the word?

He's quite a well-built Pete. He's massive. Because he's a, you know, he's a bully. He's a bruiser. What is Pete? 8, 12, 15. What is Pete? What is that weird Pete person from Disney?

He's not a dog, is he? And he's not a sort of bear or... I would say he fulfils the function of the Biff in Back to the Future character. I've never seen Back to the Future. What? I've never seen it. Well, let's put it on now. Entire TV strands have been built around this sort of thing. It's going to blow your mind. I know, I don't know why I haven't

seen it. Well, Biff was apparently based on Donald Trump. Oh. There you go. Anyway, back to Maud. Anyway, but if you do know what Pete is, has he got a more complete name? Is it something Pete? Peter. I don't think it's something Pete.

What's the surname of the Goofy family? I think Goofy is like Madonna. It's just got one name. I don't think he's like... I don't think he's like Neil Goofy. You know, it's not like an Italian surname. It's with a Y and all that. Can I just show quickly, Gareth,

a great music trigger from Tim Welsh? Instead of Rock the Casbah, Log the Taskbar. Log the Taskbar. That's good. I like that. Okay. That's very good.

We'll end on that. We'll come back to Pete in a minute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinnerner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio. Sounds a bit unsure. Yeah, I forgot what it was called for a second. I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Gareth Richards.

Good morning. Hold it. Yes. We've got to text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Or you can tweet. I think I say that.

Did you say it? Did I say it? Sorry. I'm sorry. I'd like to publicly apologise. You already have. Oh, good. The switchboards are alight with talk of what was Pete Goofy's friend, next door neighbour.

Well, no, he was no friend. No friend of Goofy. I think he had a friend. Frank, I also hated him. Yeah. Frank. Horrible. So, hold on.

Come on, tell us. Go on, then. Nowadays, there'd probably be some sort of spin-off made from Pete's point of view trying what got him to where he was. The hell of mental health issues. I'd like to know a bit of Pete's backstory. I think Pete, the origin story,

I would absolutely... What can you imagine it being like Joker becoming like winning an Oscar and stuff and they do a real life action one like this. Who would you cast as Pete? Maybe John Goodman if he was a bit younger. Is he still? Yeah.

Is he still? Can we just check? Yeah, I think he is. Okay. One has to be so careful. Yeah, who would be Pete? James Corden. I think he's going to steer clear of acting as any animals from now on.

Yeah, maybe. We don't even know if Pete was an animal, do we? Well... Oh, and actually... Did he ever... Also, did he ever have a pre-name that was like Pete... Like... Tacos Pete or something like that?

By all accounts, it seems... That's not Ross Flatley. Oh. So, I mean, this is Wikipedia. Am I allowed to read from Wikipedia? No, no. No, we've got... Well, we've got...

We have had outside world. Yeah, we've had outside world. 425 says, Frank, Pete is a bovine. He's a bull and often has his cows around him. That's why he doesn't like goofy. No bovines like canines. That's true.

Speak for yourself, Caroline. They kick them to death, don't they? Sometimes. Cows kick dogs to death. Not on my watch. Who do they do? That's what I am. I would...

You should never have a cow and a dog as a pet. No. Wise words. Best advice you've ever given me if you had a cow and a dog would the dog smell meat

from the cow and bite the cow my dog doesn't bite well it would be eating wouldn't it it wouldn't be biting as such well we've had some controversy wouldn't it be like having a big chewy bar, having a cow living in the house? Well, I'm sorry to say this, Frank,

but we ourselves are nothing but meat. Take that. No, because he has that soul thing. No, that's true. He's a member of the soul fan club. But do cows have souls? Frank, you're saying the cows have souls, Frank? Cows are made into souls.

Excuse me. Can I just say, one, two, two, voice of controversy, Pete is a cat. Yeah. Although definitely looks more like a dog,

he usually has a half-smoked cigar in his gob. Well, I've got a sense, and having, now, now he says that, I think there was a Mickey Mouse club

version of Alice in Wonderland, where Pete was essentially the Cheshire Cat. Oh. This is separate to the Disney Alice in Wonderland. Yeah. This is a Mickey Mouse.

You know, the Mickey Mouse. Come house, come inside, it's fun inside. Do you know that? So, hang on. Pete was the equivalent of the perfume you buy on Oxford Street. I'll tell you what, though. It says designer perfume, our marquee, or whatever. Well...

He's a snide... Essentially, that's what you're saying. A snide Ch that's what you're saying yeah snide cheshire but if he's good if he was a cat i think he would they were all playing different parts in that in that thing he would they would keep it but um the cat it'd be good wouldn't it if he was the bullying neighbor to goofy but was actually a cat and Goofy's a dog. It would be a fabulous... Switcheroo. Yeah, exactly. Although... In terms of as great switcheroos

go in the movies... Well, the fact that Mickey Mouse has got a pet dog is quite a switcheroo. Yes, well, 310 adds to the argument saying, Frank, Google says Peter's a cat and Goofy isn't an animal. Goofy is simply a goof.

Wow, that's stupid. That's stupid. That's the end of the... That's absolutely... What do you mean, a goof? I believe this is mentioned in Stand By Me, but what's Pluto if Goofy was a dog and not a goof, as is suggested?

Well, Pluto is an out-and-out dog, that is true. I mean, he works on all fours and he doesn't speak, I don't think. I'm just still reeling from, well, that's stupid. He's a non-creature. No, come on, whoever said that is... Look, I think we've changed on things like that. Goofy is, you know, who he is, who he wants to be. Yeah, Goofy can be whatever he wants.

I think he's a chuli, he's a dog. He's got dog's ears. Look, I don't want to be sidetracked by Goofy. But I think Pete is a cat. Let's establish, Pete is a cat. Some are saying he's a bear. Some are saying he's a cow. I'm glad we've sorted this out.

Goofy's friend Pete is a cat, shall we say. No, we've established he's a cat-dog-cow-bear hybrid. Now, I think if he's a cat, he's a big cat. On the road? Used to get those fat cats in the... I don't mean fat cats like the ones that Jeremy Corbyn didn't like. I mean the ones like when you get a picture of someone's let their cat get really fat. And you just get them in the paper. Yeah.

Hated that. Anyway, what about the three? So my next door neighbour, who we're going to call Pete yes lovely lady she said I hate that tree and so I decided I'm going to get down on her level because I was raised up

I wasn't being aloof but I went down it's raining I had my boots bag paper full of stuff and then I went and had a chat with her and when I went down and talked to her How small is she? She's smaller than me

Were you in the tree? No, I was like, oh God, and it's raised up Oh yeah So I didn't want to be talking over her So I went down and I said, Pete we've tried to, we've talked to the council And you said, well I know've tried to, we've talked to the council. And he said, well, I know what's going on in your place.

This is a complicating thing somewhat. Well, I know what you stupid, stupid goof. Yeah, go on. And I had a chat with her, and she told me some things that were going on in her life, and I was like, oh. Arguments for goofy. You know, sometimes you just want someone to talk to, don't you?

And she understood what I said about the tree. She should listen to Clint Eastwood's song from Paint Your Wagon. I talk to the trees but they don't listen to me. Maybe that's why she doesn't like it. I think she should listen to Clint Eastwood. Ask yourself, do you feel lucky, punk? So, have you

made peace with Pete? Well, what happened was, in the rain, I mean, the story isn't moving as quickly. The story isn't moving as quickly. There's quite, there's some more to come. But basically, as I was talking to her, my boots bag, the structural integrity did not hold because of the rain.

I told you a Viper bag wouldn't work. The centre will not hold. All of the boots stuff, it fell everywhere. Oh, what? And then, so I'm in the rain, and I'm like, oh, no, sorry, I've got to go in and take it. And she said, oh, I'll help you. And I go, no, no, it's OK, just load me up with it.

And she goes, no, no, no, I'll help you, I'll help you. This is nice. That is nice. It's nice. What if you'd been on the old raised garden, it'd have fallen onto a roof and caused moss? Well, Frank, I'm just worried about who was in the chemist, so let's hold your high horses.

We got... I'd got some moisturiser for Laura, day and night cream. I was at my depth with it. Day and night, anyway. And only from Boots, Sam. You know, you've got to keep keep the budget

and so Pete helped me into the conservatory with all the stuff really nice we bonded and I got upstairs and then I got when Laura got back I realised some money had gone missing

the night cream was nowhere to be seen. Oh! Oh, what? Pete's nicked the night cream. That's how she's going to stop people climbing that tree. Was it... No. Oil off?

What, she took the night cream? It was nowhere to be seen, and I checked the receipt. Oh, my God. You know what? Because I thought maybe I just didn't. The elderly love a night cream. Maybe I just didn't get it. Oh, no.

And, you know, I'm very assertive in my old age. And I was like, I'm going to talk to him about this. Yeah. I'm going to go down there and I'm going to say, oh, I thought because you helped me carry stuff in, maybe you put it in your pocket. Accident. Maybe accidentally you did that yeah I did

so I went downstairs my skin has never felt better so the day cream night cream was missing and I was like I'm sure I got it.

So as I say, I checked the receipt. And I even went outside and checked all along the path that Peter had walked in with. And I thought maybe we dropped it along the way. And I just couldn't find it anywhere. And I checked in the boot of the car because sometimes things fall out. I checked in the boot of the car because sometimes things fall out. So I decided I'm going to go. You know, life is too short to be, you know, worrying about.

So I went downstairs to talk to Pete. I put my shoes on and the night cream was just by the shoes down there. Oh, goodness. So all of that is just in my head. It just goes to show, doesn't it? I learned a valuable lesson that day. And it just goes to show.

The life dream of the casino soul scene. Yeah. Carol from Yorkshire is a bit cross with us. Okay. I do apologise. Carol sounds like

she could be a friend of Pete the Neighbour. I'm just saying I'm a bit cross with us. OK. I do apologise. Carol sounds like she could be a friend of Pete, the neighbour. I'm just saying I'm a bit scared of you, Carol. With love, Emily. She says, so is your girlfriend well now? I appreciate I'm giving her tone. Well, no, it's nice that she... What was the cause of her pain? We never got to find out.

Is there so much waffle and giggling going on? What? Is that what she said? Yeah. Is that what Carol said? Hey, come on now. Well, Carol. Before you say anything,

make sure the night cream isn't by your shoes. Carol's from Yorkshire, and the thing about Yorkshire folk, they tell it like it is. You've got to respect that. Well, they sometimes have it, yeah. See y'all here all, see nowt. Yeah, I say it like it is me.

Anyway, Carol, thank you for your concern can i tell you that um it turned out that um that cath had a let me get this right a disc bulge um and some tearing of the disc i don't know if i should be giving the exact but anyway she is walking for around the house for short periods and then having to lie down again and then doing... But I would say she's on the mend. Thank you for your concern. Yeah, we wouldn't want to stand between...

I'll be brusque. Yeah. We wouldn't want to stand between Carol and finding out about an ailment. Hey, come on, lay off Carol, you. Carol tells it like it is like she speaks as she finds Carol was actually expressing concern about

my partner so I'm with Carol leave means leave 802 thank you for changing the name to Pete because my 13 year old daughter Maud

was quite put out that you were dissing Maud that's the name from Hornchurch yes her name was Maud on this show. Oh, lovely.

And 033, I would love it. I would love that. If the next time Gareth spoke with his neighbour, he inadvertently called her Pete. Me too. I hate the dreadful hollow beside the little wood. It's red-ribbed ledge. That's from Tennyson's poem Maud.

Lovely. It includes, and I'm singing this, Tennyson's poem Maud. Lovely. It includes, and I'm singing this, just how old is Maud? Thirteen. There is a section of that poem which became a popular Victorian parlour song. Come into the garden, Maud, though the black bad night has flown. Just for you, Maud.

There. And somehow that didn't stay popular past the Victorian period. I'm just going to, sorry, Carol, but I am just going to pop up with this quick interjection. 972, hello, I can't make kedgeree without singing kedgeree to the tune of Tragedy. Yes. If anyone asks what's for dinner, I sing, Frank.

Kedgeree. I don't know the next bit. I used to know the dance. Can you believe that? I got up, I think it's Strawberry Moons in Chelmsford on New Year's Eve. How embarrassing. I think it's Strawberry Moons in Chelmsford on New Year's Eve. How embarrassing. I think it was 2000.

You were a big fan of Steps, I seem to remember. Frank was always a Faitosa fan. I liked. Weren't you? Oh, yes. Very, very, I loved the, I bought three of those white dreads at auction. You did like Faitosaza, didn't you? And I finally got to meet Faitoza.

How was it? Well, it went a bit wrong, because I'd looked her up on Wikipedia. You know, not everything on Wikipedia is true. Absolutely disgusting. And I said to her, so Faye, I didn't know you're a trampolining champion. She said, I'm not.

I just don't know where that's come from. And she really... Well, that was the end of that. I mean, who'd have thought that that would be the turning point? Were you a Claire or a Faith? Can I say? Oh, go on. I'm interested in Garris types.

No, I didn't. I wasn't into steps. Oh, I liked H. See, I liked... Got it when the day came. I'm glad you don't take it anymore. I am like that one that did that sort of barn dance single that wasn't really regarded as one of their...

5, 6, 7, 8. That was, I liked that. Anyway. Producer dancing again. Is it over now? Yeah, no, we're done. That's it. Thank goodness for that.

Can I say... I learned a lesson. Can I say... Oh, go on. No, that was it. Okay. I... Tomorrow night

is the last Doctor Who of the series. Oh. Yeah. And now, I just want to run something by you.

The current era, for those of you who are not into Doctor Who... Oh, don't be silly. So the last two series has featured Jodie Whittaker as the Doctor, who is the first female Doctor that we... As far as we know, there's some complications with that. We won't go into it.

Now, there was a thing that happened. I think it was on last week's episode. And you know that Bradley Walsh is one of the companions. And I can't remember exactly what he said, but a woman said something to him. And he said, I'm the normal guy

who blah blah. And there was a fluff. Now, you never hear fluffs in drama anymore. I mean, in the Hartnell years, you heard little else. Poor old Billy was... Well, if you... What we must... What we must...

And you could tell they're all, the whole cast, and they're going, come on, Bill. Did you hear occasionally, so, Doctor, clink bottles underneath anyway i love billy for all that of course um but what was the fluff so the fluff was this he says i'm a dog i'm a normal um something like that so now a big internet theory has gone up that what he was about to say was I'm the doctor. And he stopped himself. Because they just don't leave

fluffs in anymore in drama. When's the last time you heard a fluff in a drama? And the thing is, I love a fluff in a drama. But So is it like a big controversy that all the Doctor Who fans love the internet? I mean big in Doctor Who, I mean, when I say big... Because Doctor Who fans love the internet.

I mean, big in, you know, in a Doctor Who... I mean, you say they don't leave fluffs in anymore. I suppose the budget's gone up since the old days, hasn't it? I would say... So what's the theory? Well, my theory is my theory... Oh, the Fez has come. We're going to have to go to the break.

Never mind. It cannot be true. Because let me run this by you. We've had the first the first female Doctor Who for two series and then at the end

of it oh no it turns out the Doctor is that middle aged white bloke no that wouldn't be no I don't think so

it's fascinating should we go to the break you Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio You. I got done for speeding on Saturday night. I'm way back from the wedding. I was flashed, yeah. That's why I was driving so quickly.

No, no, I saw a flash of light, but I always think, oh, there's probably not any film, which I don't think applies anymore, surely. Oh, you got the flash. But I did 36 in a 30. Now, for me, that's not speeding. Well, you're going to get it now, aren't you? I'm not calling that speeding.

36 in a 30. It's after midnight. I don't think speed limits actually apply after midnight. I've done the speed awareness course. I know. And I can provide you with a lot of information on it. Perhaps some of our listeners would love to hear it now. Well, I was talking to a friend of mine last night.

Instead of the Doctor Who. And she's done a speed awareness course and then got done for speeding again. And now she's been offered a dangerous driving course. Some sort of Daniel Craig figure. Yeah. So I don't know. There's been no mention of the speed awareness. I don't know what's...

I just got the letter saying... I was in a place called H-A-L-L-A-N-D. Haaland. You were going through Haaland. Haaland Oats. Right. Well, I could be. No, I didn't stop. I looked it up were going through Haaland. Haaland Oats. Right. Well, I could be. No, I didn't stop.

I looked it up. It's in Sweden. Sorry, mate. It's actually in Sweden. If I lived in Haaland, I would definitely open a cafe, a breakfast-based cafe called Haaland Oats. Yeah, that would be...

Get it together, people. It'd be one of those places. Locals will say, oh, no, you don't say Holland, you say Hollanda. It'll be something like that. Yeah. It'd be one of those.

Pete's at the door, Frank. Yeah. Say, hello, Holland. Not Holland. I'm so... I don't like the way you're saying it now. It sounds like a theme park. I was going to say,

a theme park that I know a few men that have frequented that. Yes. When I looked it up, it honestly says it's in Sweden. I don't know if there's been a confusion about kilometres and miles. I am wrong.

How fast were you going? 36. You won't have made it from Sweden at that speed. Well, damn that sat nav. Anyway, it's been a... I'm so glad we talked about Pete because Pete is a character on Disney who you could watch Disney for years and he never quite read.

He's like the stain where a character used to be, Pete. He's like Disney drew Pete and then robbed him out and he hadn't got a very good robber. So he's a sort of ghost character. I think he's a character they experimented with. He failed and they've just left him in.

Maybe they've already done merch for Pete. What if we do a character that everyone hates? Who would buy Pete merchandise? What kind of a loser? Anyway. So, oh, by the way, you know I'm going on, did I tell you I'm going on tour again? Are you aware of that?

Stop laughing at Pete merchandise. I'm sorry. Listen, I'm going on tour in April, May, back to on the road around Britain. And who will be my support act? Oh, not Pete. Not Pete? Next guess.

Bradley Walsh. No. He's too big. Gareth Richards is my support act. Oh, come on. Jingle. Choose a jingle quickly. Saturday morning.

There must be... Oh, I'm definitely coming to see you. This is so exciting. I'm just looking for a suitable... Very excited. Just keep talking, I'll find you... Did you know... When were you going to give me the reveal?

Well, I didn't think I was allowed to guess when we did the guessing. I think... Oh. That's one possibility. Oh, that's an example of music triggers, Frank. When I went out with someone who's appeared in EastEnders, if there was ever an argument brewing,

I would do that, I'm afraid. I would go, do, do, do. This is so exciting. I will come and see you. Does that mean he's going to have to get into the older Saxon Treasures, Frank? What's this? I'm afraid I do quite a lot of anglo-saxon sites but you can always stay at the hotel mention this we can always drop you to services and pick you up later um it'll be fine great when is this please when is the tour the tour is um it's early april to mid-May. Oh, come on.

All around the country? All around the country, culminating in Birmingham. At the Alexandra Theatre. I'll come to that one. So, look, thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me. Gareth, thanks for coming today. It's always a joy.

And, I mean, without you, we wouldn't have even got on to Pete. So, in a way, it's all turned out okay. It has. It's turned out brilliantly. So, yeah, thank you so much. And lovely to see you. And I'll see you on tour. Yes.

What about that? And thank you all for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the Greek... Oh, no, the Greeks. They'd best stay out of it. And the Greeks don't rise. I love the Greeks, can I say that? Especially the...

I like the black figure vases, but it's a different world. So if the Lord... Oh, dear. This is the weirdest you've ever been. I've got so excited about Pete. I'm post-Pete in many ways. If the good Lord spares us. And the cricks don't rise.

We'll be back again this time next week. Oh, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.