The Frank Skinner Show - Basil Bush

Episode Date: July 2, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Zoe Lyons. Frank has had an awkward photo incident and watched Macca’s Glasto set on TV. The team also discuss electric kettles, Zoe’s skiing accident and tisane.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Morning. I'm dressed all in black in mourning for the death of Steve Wright in the afternoon. Oh. Steve Wright always wore black.

Yes. Always. Always, yeah. What a terrible decision to get rid of Steve Wright in the afternoon. Wowee. I just, I can't imagine it. Don't you love him?

Oh man. A comedian once asked, I know what you think of this Zoe, a comedian, a young comedian told me he got his first telly and asked me if I'd got any advice and I said yes. One thing you have to learn is to handle people who know less about comedy than you telling you how to do comedy.

And you can't, because you can't have an argument every time. Find a way around that diplomatically. You've got to be zen in this business. Yeah, exactly. Not a thing I ever achieved myself, but something to aim at. Steve Wright in the afternoon. Come on. Anyway, I did that a few times.

Did you ever do it,e at the show yeah i did it over the line i never got to go and do it in the studio because i did it during pandemic i think what was weird it looked like some bloke you met in a on a park bench who just made no effort at all and every time i did it was like a it's a really really good interview and it just sort of fell off him like windfall fruit. He's very skilled. He's very very skilled man. He is, he was. Gone now of course. We're talking as if he's

dead. I was going to say he's still around. He is and he's doing something else but he's not doing that. I'm going to miss him on scaffolders and decorators always had Steve Wright on it in the afternoon and my afternoon is not going to be the same now and I can had Steve Wright on it in the afternoon. And my afternoon's not going to be the same now and I can't hear it blur into the window. Did they listen to it on radios that had, like, paint books?

Yes. Oh, the best kind. Yeah. Do you know what, though? He'll have some more free time and I think I'm trying to get Frank some friends. Oh, that wouldn't work. I couldn't possibly see him outside of that studio.

I've never, ever seen him outside of that chair in that studio. There are certain people. Who else can't you imagine outside of the chair? Oh, that's a good question. Yeah. Outside of a studio environment. I'll tell you who I can't imagine outside of a studio environment. John Humphreys.

I can't see John just walking down the street. What about Charlie State on BBC Breakfast? I can't imagine him loosening his tie even. Oh, he's got very, he has the sort of very dynasty hair,

doesn't he? Yeah, lovely. Very handsome. The Kennedy family is the theme of male presenters on BBC Breakfast for some reason. By the way, it's Pride today, so... Happy Pride, everyone. Yes, happy Pride. Do people say happy Pride?

Yes, have we got Zoe Lyons here? We thought, you know what we need? Yeah. Yeah, we didn't book you for that, Zoe. Yeah, I bet. I've got a question. I've got a question. Who's gay and available?

I'll get her in a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay

a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a gay, a at pride okay why are there so many songs about rainbows that's it what do you think i think it's probably been a while since you've been surprised there aren't any songs about rainbows at pride i mean there will be there will definitely be high energy will be represented yeah people still be high energy. Ray Bones will be represented, yeah. Do people still say high energy is a music genre? Absolutely not.

Okay. I don't, do they, Zoe? High energy. Look, I think Zoe's the music expert. I mean, that's her something. Oh, boy, I'll tell you what I thought of, I'll tell you what I thought of. Do you remember we used to do, I can never,

I think they move about the jingle. Oh, here we go. Whatever happened to... Yeah, whatever happened to popping paper bags in order to surprise someone? Oh, yeah. That's a real old-school prank. It's gone.

If anyone's got any experience with this, I'd love to hear from them at 12.15 and if we can find out if it does indeed as it is reputed cure hiccups yeah we should add the caveat

anyone who's still alive can remember doing that isn't it why would that die out it was brilliant they're hard to get these days they're a little paper bag

unless you need them from the mushroom area in a supermarket I mean for the same reason there's loads of them there powdered egg died out They're hard to get these days, though, a little paper bag, unless you need them from the mushroom area in a supermarket. I mean, for the same reason... There's loads of them there. ...powdered egg died out, because it's no longer relevant. What about when you're in the supermarket and you get, like, 20 brown paper bags on a hook?

Reminds me of when we had an outside toilet when I was a child in the West Midlands. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, did you watch Macca Glasto? Mm-hm, yes. What did you think? Well, OK. Oh, dear.

Well, no, I mean, you know, hats off. He did a long set, didn't he? He did a long set. He did a long set. He did a long set. But I thought he looked great. He's the same age as my dad. And he did two and a bit hours on, yeah, on main stage.

But I'm not a massive fan. I've never got over the Frog Chorus. So I just... Oh, you are so unforgiving. I know. I would have if someone was like that about one of your gags. Oh, no, I mean, yeah. Yeah, I'd have no audience left.

You know what, can I recommend you watch Get Back? And I think it will turn you, don't you think, Bank? If you watch Get Back, it's, McCartney comes out of that very well. I was collecting Beatles bubblegum cards in 1964. Yeah. So I'm kind of stuck with it. I mean, that was appropriate great you chose the right year there was a great moment when um when honesty cut through the night like sheet lightning when he

says you know we can tell when the songs that you don't like he said because um when we do like a beatles song he said all the phones go up filming it. He said, and when I did like one of my new songs, nothing. It's just nothing. And I thought, what a great thing to actually draw attention to. I loved him for that. I interviewed Ringo once. Okay.

And I said, when you meet someone, like when someone comes around your house to mend the radiator, how long does it normally take before the B word comes up? And he said, no, it's just you. He said, no one else mentions it. I said, that cannot be true. He said, they never bring it up. They never bring it up.

Definitely not true. Ringo brings it up If they don't That would be my guess By the way, whatever happened to Did Ringo commit to his Do you remember he famously said I'm warning you with peace and love

After, was it October the 28th Before one of our readers wore it Do you know about this Zoe? No He said he'd never sign another autograph So don't send him anything, because after October, whatever it was, he said, I'm warning you with peace and love.

They will not be signed anymore. I don't know. Why do they have a date, a specific date? It's like when a banknote goes out of circulation. That's weird, isn't it? This is the beauty of Ringo, is that he didn't need to put a date on it, but he goes his own way.

Well, I spoke to Paul McCartney about this once at an after show thing. You didn't? And he said... Oh, God, embarrassing, Frank. And he said, no, he said, you know, Ringo, he said he said something about Liverpool. He said it wasn't a bad thing, really. He said, but he just said, you know, he loved LA and blah, blah, blah.

He said, and people took, you know, they took it badly in Liverpool. I said, what happened? He said, well, there was a topiary exhibition of the four of us and they cut Ringo's head off. I thought, what an interesting way of dealing with it. Yeah. We'll take the floorora and fauna roots. It's quite a genteel act of revenge.

It is, yeah. I'd still be upset now. Because when it's the three Beatles and you're just like a severed twig. Like a Basil Bush. Oh, no. Basil Bush. Can I say, that would be a great tribute act. I would go see Basil Bush. Oh. Basil Bush. Basil Bush. Boom, boom. Can I say, that would be a great tribute act.

Basil Bush. I would go see Basil Bush. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be worried about the nature of his act. Or her act. It's my drag name. Bringing you on Absolute Radio. Okay. Oh, yeah. The other thing about Paul McCartney that I loved

is when he went off stage and they were sort of... The crowd was sort of... I think in Will there be another encore? He did the traditional sleeping symbol. You know, the sort of sideways namaste with your head lying on it? He did that. I thought, that's a great old bloke thing. What, to say he was going to bed?

I'm going to sleep now. Going to beddy-bow-bow. Yeah. I'm going to use, I'm doing gigs this week, I'm going to use that when I go off stage. I wouldn't mind, but the gigs are ending at 7pm. But it's still fairly accurate. How do you refer to sleeping?

For example, if you're texting someone. A lot of different ways people have. Some say, some favour cop some zeds. Yeah. I had to make you say, I'm going to knock out some zeds. Oh, I don't like that. Knock out some zeds. That sounds very horrible.

Yeah, that sounds aggressively. I tell you what I don't like. I don't like, oh, I've got to get some shut-eye. Oh, OK. Yeah. What about up the wooden hills to Bedfordshire? What about that very, very posh man we knew, who was so posh that he had a silly nickname,

everyone called him Farth. I think I told you about Farth. No-one ever knew what the real name was, he'd just been called Faf. And it's normally a nanny has given them that name and it's stuck. Oh, yes, of course, yeah. So Faf used to say, when he was tired, when he decided it was time to go to bed,

obviously he didn't want to be rude and say it, you know, and offend people. So he would sigh and say, right, I think we're all very tired now and that was it that was that everyone would leave very empathetic very empathetic man oh I've got to tell you something that happened to me this week I went to a screening of um of the which is this documentary about Princess Diana. Okay. Princess Di, nominative. And that's your friend, does that film?

Yes, yes. So it's brilliant. I mean, you think, oh, I know everything about it, but it's just watching it happen. I mean, I won't hear the ending. But anyway, we were standing in the before there people there was some some of the nicest um vol-au-vent I've had for a long time oh I love a vol-au-vent anyway um a guy came up to me and there was two women standing like

shoulder to shoulder in front of the poster and he said to me, could I take a photo? And I said, yeah, of course. And I thought I'll be all humble. I said, do you want me in it? Yeah. And he said, no, I just want you to move. And he was actually asking me to move so he could take a photo of these two women. Oh, great.

Oh, oh, lovely. I felt my shoulders dislocate. Oh, don't, I've done that recently. Oh,

it's really awful. It's pretty bad. But anyway, you know, I suppose I did, I didn't just assume, I didn't just, what if I'd stepped

into the line up and he had to pull me over? But I've done that before when somebody's gone with you to kind of take a photo and I've gone, of course, and then they've pull me out I've done that before when somebody's gone with you to kind of take a photo and I've gone of course and they've handed me the camera to take a picture of their wife

and them and it's like I think it's good, it's good for the soul I quite like it when I was interviewing Aled Jones on my podcast and a man came over and said to him he said what do you do then

and it can show one in a very good light because Aled was very humble On my podcast. And a man came over and said to him, he said, what do you do then? And it can show one in a very good light because Alad was very humble. He said, oh, I do a bit of singing. He said, do you? What sort of singing then? My wife likes choral music. Do you know any of that? I mean, I was dying.

Yes. I was dying. I was trying to throw this man hints. He wouldn't have it. I said, what's your name? And he was saying, Alad, sir. Alad. Oh.

And he still didn't twig? He didn't twig. And I kept saying to Alad, I just want that man to go home and Google Alad Jones. Yeah. And sort of, you know, feel a bit sick for an hour. It's just because you specifically

I was at a party telling this bloke about touring and how exciting it was and how I love touring and stuff and how I was doing like 3,000 seaters and things. I said, what do you do? He said, I'm in a band actually. I said, are you?

I said, have I heard? Would I have heard of them? He said, maybe. We're called Pink Fly. Oh God! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Some of our readers have sent in things they like to say

before going to bed. I might rephrase that. Right. As Justin of Earlwood has said, I'm Australian, so obviously it's something that couldn't go to air. And I like the couldn't go to air.

I enjoy the way he puts that. We've had Anthony Moss, someone I knew used to say they were going for a long blink. Oh, that does remind me I had a mate who used to say I'm just going to go and have a look at the

inside of my eyelids. Oh! Lee Smith, Time For Me Cot. Oh. Lee Smith, Time For Me Cot. Oh, I like that. Oh, I love the word cot. Do you? Yeah.

That's, I love a cot. Good. Good. Yeah. And a Zed bed. Do you remember Zed beds? No, I don't remember that.

What other kind of beds are there? Well, there's obviously the bunk bed. That's still for sleeping in, though. It's still a Zed bed, isn't it? Well, the bunk bed. I've always liked the idea of bed clothes. Bed clothes. That's it.

We put the bed clothes on. You're going to dress the mattress. What happened to bed valances? Oh, I love the valance. Where's your pelmet gone? Pelmet? Why are there so many songs about? Oh, yes.

I'm like, where's your pelmet gone? Or maybe a divan. Oh, a divan. Do you know, we had a divan. We had, that was always... Hang on, explain to me what a divan is again. It's not... Isn't a divan a bed with a big drawer underneath?

We had it in the living room, and it was if my parents had an argument, my dad would sleep on the duvan. And I pronounce it du-van. Du-van. It's divan, though, isn't it? Yeah, it's divan. OK.

We have... I sounded a bit Kermit, though. We have... I've done too many why and why are there this morning? It's catching. We have some things I say instead of going to bed. OK. MJM.

For years, I've sang to myself, in the style of a limerick, it's time to go to bed to rest my weary head. However, I've never thought... In what way is that in the style of a limerick? Well, MJM's not done yet. Can you please wait? However, I've never thought of a suitable ending to this. Do you see?

So she's saying it's set up as a limerick. Is it a shame? Yes. OK. Because her entire name is spelt out. E-M-J-M. So I've been going to bed on half a limerick for about 15 years, which isn't the life I'd hoped for.

No. She's out on a limb. Could we put something back in here? I mean, I've got two stand-ups here, Two of the best in the business. I'm going to need a bit of time. What do you want then? So it begins. The rhythm's not quite right, MJM. No, I'm afraid your meter

is slightly off, MJM. It should be fine. Sorry, MJM. It's time to go to bed. But what does she say? It's time to go to bed. But what does she say? She says, it's time to go to bed to rest my weary head. Maybe she's doing that all as one meeting. It's time I was going to bed. OK, we'll help you out, MJ.

For the resting of my weary head. Oh, I don't like for the resting. Well, I'm trying to rescue this awful debark of a limerick. We shouldn't do this on air, I think, the composer. We'll have a break. OK. And when we get back, we're going to have an absolute side splitter. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

It has been like eight out of ten cats. Me and Zoe have been scribbling away to try and come up with a limerick for MJM. I'm so impressed. Well, it might be. They might be rubbish. Well, we'll be the judge of that. And we will judge. There's no might about this. This is rubbish I we will judge so who wants to kick there's no might about this

this is rubbish I've written here who wants to kick off I'm going to go first because I think Frank might top me oh I would never top you

Zoe Lyons go on then okay it's time to go oh sorry oh I've got the first line oh no I'm hating it

I'm hating it so far I mean if this was a poetry reading I'd be eyeing the exit. This is my slam poetry debut, if you don't mind. Zoe also. Can you imagine? He said, if this was a poetry reading,

what if this was a comedy reading? He said, I'm hating it so far. We've all done that. To be fair, it wouldn't be the first time I've heard it. Let's hope it's the last. Just walk on stage and somebody else,

I'm not having this. I'm going to give you a proper, I'm not having this. What's that?'s the last day. Just walk on stage and somebody else, oh, I'm not having this. I'm going to give you a proper... I'm not having this. What's that? That's not happening. No. That used to happen to me in clubs. Oh, no, this isn't happening.

No, no. What was... We are going to get to this, but just to give it a bit of a ramp. Frank, can you remind me briefly, David Baddiel was at the theatre, I believe, once, wasn't he? And he had a similar thing with his child at the time and what happened is H from Steps was in Joseph and his Technicolor dream coat

and he started singing one of those very when it's just him in a spotlight and his daughter Dolly who was very little at the time she wouldn't do it now said I don't like this I think that was it you've led me into one of David Baddiel's anecdotes I said, I don't like this. I think that was it. I think what she said... You've led me into one of David Baddiel's anecdotes. Oh, I'm sorry. I expect an invoice in the week.

Oh, yes. Anyway, come on, stop playing for time, lions. Right, OK. It's time I was going to bed to rest my weary head. I took to the stairs but tripped to my flares and now Lumrock is dead. Oh, come on. It's good.

Is it all right? It's good. I really like that. I know I've got to follow. That was now Lumrock is dead. Oh, come on. It's good. Is it alright? It's good. I really like that. I know I've got to follow. That was a trap. Follow that. It's one of those hostler,

one of those limerick hostlers who say, well, I haven't really ridden a limerick before but maybe just for like 50 pounds

for the first bet. It's very me with my A-levels. I failed them all. Anyway, so now I am going to bed for the resting of my weary head. I've got a new mattress. It still remains splatless.

Not so good for my sexual cred. There you have it. Breakfast radio. Oh, do you know? There's something so satisfying about this. Working with comics. I mean, honestly... Working with poets in this instance. No, I feel like this is Henry VIII just saying to the jester,

write me, write me something to amuse me. God, I think there'd be more pressure on Henry VIII's jester. I don't know, you've known me a while, Frank. It's kind of... Well, I know. It took these people 60 seconds to come up with that comedy genius. This woman's been trying for years. Nothing.

We make it look easy. You see, the difference between me and MJM is I wouldn't be able to get to sleep until I'd completed the limerick. Yeah. We've got some other examples as well. Spencer X. I'm off to Club Duvet. I like this one.

Oh, that's good. Club Duvet. I've said that many times when I've been out and then been told that people have never been there. They've asked, where's that? Does anyone ever say that it's bed o'clock? I hope not. I hope they do.

I've got a lovely one here from Nadine in Hull who says, we always say it's time to go up the dancers, the Fred Astaire's. See, that's nice, isn't it? Yeah. But what about the bungalows? How does Bungalow Bill cope with that? Do you think, by the way, that that's a true story, about a bunch of stagehands at MGM Studios

were watching Fred Astaire walk just backstage in the lunch break and he took his cigarette out of his mouth, dropped it and he twisted to put it out on the floor and they all applauded. That was a very sort of old movie anecdote. I hope it's true. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons is with us this morning. I love Zoe Lyons. Have I told you that before? I love you too, Frank. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Frank on the radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Now. Now. I'd like to formally apologise. Oh, OK. It's with a heavy heart. It's not really, but I feel I've got to say that. Yeah.

To MJ. I'd like to apologise to MJ. OK. I'd like to apologise to my colleague, Frank Skinner. I'd like to apologise to my colleague, Frank Skinner. I'd like to apologise to my colleague, Zoe Lyons. Okay. When MJ, you may remember, MJ was the author of the limerick. Yes.

I mean, I use the word author. The word author's doing a bit of heavy lifting there, let's not lie. Wasn't it MJM? It was. Yes, okay. a bit of heavy lifting there, let's not lie. Wasn't it MJM? It was.

Yes, okay. Because I thought, I was trying to think of a Zoe Lyons MJM, I never got there, I abandoned it. MJM, you said, do you remember what you said to me, Frank? You said, how do you know? How do you know it's a woman, I said. And I said, I just do, I just do, because it's spelled out. You said it's completely spelled out, and I didn't quite understand how you know it's a woman, I said. And I said, I just do, I just do, because it's spelled out. You said it's completely spelled out, and I didn't quite understand how you explained it,

and neither did Zoe, because I looked at her thinking, does she get it, she looks possible. But we just carried on, because we're a little bit scared of you. Good, I'm glad to hear it. I didn't quite understand it either, but I got away with it. OK. It's partly because I spell out my own name phonetically with EM.

Anyway, I'm putting off the inevitable. Yes. Which is the news that I was wrong. Oh. MJM,

that awkward moment when you are, MJM's been very charitable, understandably referred to as a female on the radio.

Okay. My Twitter is actually my initials spelt out phonetically. I see. MJM is a chap. M as in Divine Miss M. Yeah, but MJM was very nice about it.

I'd like to apologise. I mean, I don't know where to start. No, look, it's fine. They've taken it well. I think we're past it. I would, and also, I just want to be able to play a correction jingle because I just want to be able to play a correction jingle

because I want Zoe to hear what happens when a jingle is really badly mixed. Let's hear it. Correction, correction, olee, olee, olee. The suggestion is that I'm part of the crowd on that. But part of the crowd is a lot closer to the microphone than the rest of the crowd. Oh, no. But I'm part of the crowd who's a lot closer to the microphone than the rest of the crowd. Sounds like you're part of the... You're in a separate stadium.

Exactly. It sounds like you're part of the... It sounds like we're looting a coach. No, it's not good. We've also had some outside world contributions. What people say instead of I'm going to bed. Can I play one more jingle just to prove that the producer can do it when she really puts her nose to the grindstone?

Wow. Outside world, outside world. Oh, the outside world. Actually, I've just remembered she didn't do that one. She's just said I did. She didn't. It's like a sea shanty. It is, yes, that's what didn't. It's like a sea shanty. It is, yes, that's what we're after.

Oh, is that a sea shanty book? Shanty-esque, that was the brief. Oh, man. So. Rob G, I live in Bedfordshire, so it doesn't work for me. No, I can see that. I suppose he is going up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, but he's also going from Bedfordshire. Yeah.

I also like Peter Ferguson. He sounds like my kind of man. Do you know what he says when he goes to bed? Go on. Well, that's it. I'm off. Good. Yeah.

It's direct. Do you like it? It's direct. That's it. It's one of those catchphrases that feels like it's still in draft form. Bizarar. Like, hello, I'm Johnny Cash. And you think, yeah, Johnny...

That's all right as a placeholder, but you need something a bit more written. OK, all right, I'm off. How about going off to the land of Nod, says Rob in West Georgia. Yeah, that used to be... I like the mystical nature of it. Oh, yeah, that used to be. I like the mystical nature of it.

I wonder if Slade used to say that to each other before they went to bed because of Noddy Holder. Karen says, time for bed, said Zebedee. Oh, yes. Which, for our younger listeners, of which there are, I think, four, that used to be the end of The Magic Roundabout. Roundabout, yeah. There's a few of those.

Isn't that ending traditional? Well, I always use, but I don't use it for going to bed. I use this when people are being a bit selfish or narcissistic. I say, when Bagfus goes to sleep, all of his friends have to go to sleep. Okay. And and then of course it doesn't really work on the radio because it involves a wink

but there was Anne Robinson going goodbye and then winking and when I first saw it I thought so is it not goodbye then because the wink suggested we know, we know but then it was goodbye like when you know people go to an after-party

and you haven't been invited. That's what she was doing. Oh. Yeah. I bet she's never not been invited to an after-party. The John Lewis slogan. Yes. Never knowingly not invited to an after-party.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I should say, let it be officially noted that the producer Sarah did make the shanty jingle and it's an instant classic not just that, she produced Witnesses I mean she subpoenaed these people she did and yeah who are we to argue witnesses. I mean, she subpoenaed these people. She did. And, yeah. Yeah.

No, so her wife and her mum both texted in to say that Sarah had done that. Where's my support structure? I was going to say, I think my parents were saying, what is it you do again? But is Sarah playing the

jingles at home? There's a man who works on the roundabout in Brighton and I always imagine that he plays the same music when he gets home, that sort of ding-a-dee, ding-a-dee, ding-a-dee, ding-a-dee, like after a long day's work. That's what Sarah does. I'd like it if Sarah said, what shall we put on? She just put on the Crexione, maybe for a night,

maybe I'll have a glass of wasp. I've got some chill-out jingles. Exactly. Chill-out jingles. got some chill out sink jingles I asked Simon Simon cow what he listened to at home he said well you know when you work in we said well look everybody always starts out well look when you work in music, you don't really want to listen to music when you get home, so I never listened to it. And I thought, ooh, something very pantomime Lucifer about that. I'm glad he didn't say this industry.

Anyone who says this industry... I might have cleaned it up a bit. Well, look, in this industry... Oh, no. Speaking of industry, I saw a news item this week which caused me to stagger back, I think it was three paces. Yeah. And the suggestion was, now if you've got any American listeners,

I'd like a bit of... that the electric kettle is not commonly commonly known in the united states of america i can believe that can you yeah yeah i can believe that i understand because i couldn't believe it it was the new york times wasn't it this appeared in someone it. And what was brilliant was that the feature was kind of a featurette. It said, began consider, comma, the electric kettle.

And then went on to sort of suggest it was some innovation. Yeah, something that no one knew about. This new invention. Best kept secret. But that's sort of typically American, isn't it? On occasion they can

make things very, very tricky for themselves. You know, something as simple as a kettle would be... Well, to be fair, they're in the basics. Because apparently the popular thing in America is the kettle on the hob. They like the stove kettle.

Like a whistling, like a shh. Yeah, I go, well, there, now. Well, I remember that from Fatal Attraction, do you? Oh, it's not the shiver kettle. I remember it from Life. Or Life. I remember it from Inanna's. Or Life.

No, we always put the kettle on the hob, just the normal kettle. And I remember when we got one that had the whistle, and honestly, it was like we'd just got Wi-Fi. It was like... In fact, if there was one of those BBC programmes, History of the World in 100 Great Underrated Inventions, I would say the whistle kettle thing

yeah would be up there it's amazing it took them so long to put a whistle on it i know well that's the thing about great inventions maybe if they'd put one of those party gazoos on the end it would have been like when it was done it was yeah but what you don't want when the tea was born went yeah no but what you don't want with a party gazoo, which I've never heard it called before... I don't know what you call it. ..is when it was boiled, there would be no retraction of the curl.

So it would... That last note... You don't want that elongated for ages, will you? No. It's a visible representation that the kettle's boiled. I'm surprised it hasn't been done. I can't have any trot with any of these things because I have misophonia, It's a visible representation that the title's boiled. I'm surprised it hasn't been done. I can't have any trot with any of these things because I have misophonia, so with my misophonia it'll play out.

Just before we go into the break, if there was a history of the world in 100 great underrated inventions, I'd like to know what our readers would like to include on 8.12.15. By the way, an electric kettle in the USA, I discover, is known as a hot pot. I mean, that just confuses things. A hot pot? Yeah. That's...

That confuses things even more, doesn't it? Because the Lancashire hot pot and all that. Yes, you'd be very confused if you just boiled some water in the pot. Zoe, I'm really relieved that Frank said US. Did you say US or USA? I think I said USA. I don't think I'd ever say US.

No, and I'm relieved you said USA. And I wouldn't say the States ever. And I wouldn't say across the pond. These are my rules. Why do people say across the pond? That question to either Frank Skinner or Zoe Lyons. Because most people, they say it because they've heard someone else say it. And they haven't evaluated it in any way before they've taken it on as their own.

It's a big pond, isn't it? I mean, it's a big pond. I also... Well, I think by saying it... It's tidal. I mean, it's tidal. That's one of the first problems. Yeah, you're going to use some of your card card.

The reason that the states and across the pond, it's sort of suggesting there's a familiarity with it. You know what it is? There's a buddiness to that. Yeah, it's kind of like, I'm so familiar with it. It's the hankering, isn't it, for the special relationship which doesn't exist. We don't say across the stream to France, do we?

No. That is a lot closer than the United States because we're like, no, there's a channel between us and let's keep it that way. Whereas with America, we're like, it's just a little pond. One of the most argued over answers on trivial pursuit was what do the french call um the chat the english channel what do they call it well it was it's in french i think and i've i've heard heated disputes about what if you've said

it in english it should still be the same and all that kind of... They may have changed it now because I think it led to a few brutal killings. Absolute radio. That was a nervous laugh. 9.31am on Absolute Radio. You're allowed a nervous laugh. But I was interested

to learn that we obviously refer to the French exit, the French goodbye, when you leave a party I call it discreetly, which is how I choose to leave. Make a big fanfare when you arrive, everyone knows you're there and then you slip off without a goodbye. Oh, okay. I call that a French goodbye.

Apparently the French refer to it as an English goodbye. Oh, really? You're okay? Educational as well as entertaining, this programme. It was always my dream. I don't think he means that. I think he thinks I've ruined his show.

No, it doesn't. There's something. I recently, the electric kettle in our house broke. I say broke in the abstract, so as not to apportion blame of any kind and we um we then because obviously that even in the age of amos and it's going to be 48 hours before you've got your new electric cow um we went to um saucepan lipped saucepan. Okay. And I just... I'll tell you after this what was my problem. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, we're discussing the New York Times, which... Hold it, hold it. I've got a cliffhanger. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're a saucepan. It's a background.

That sounded so damning, but oh, you're a saucepan. Oh, you're a saucepan cliffhanger. My lipped, lipped saucepan. When you say lipped, do you mean like poury spout lip? Yes, because it's hard to pour. I don't want to be pouring hot water into a cup out of just the standard... You need the poury spout bit. But you're dealing with boiling water, children,

if you listen, you've got to be extra careful. So is this a saucepan with a spout? A poury bit. Oh, I don't... I can't have any business with them. Well... Well, they don't fit into other saucepans properly. That's where I have trouble.

The aesthetics are all over the shop. The secret is to only have lip saucepans. That's my advice. The nice thing is... Progressively bigger lips. They don't get twisted out of shape because they slot in it's like a lock oh i see anyway so when we'd used it for a few for a couple of days we didn't like we didn't tip the water out or anything. We just kept filling it up like you do a kettle. Yeah. Within like 24 hours, that white, you know, that sort of coral reef that forms.

Yeah. That was forming. And I thought, you know what? I'm glad there's a lid on our kettle. Yeah. I don't want to know. You know, sometimes I've misjudged how much water's in the electric kettle. And I thought I'm going to have to completely empty it to fill this cup of tea now. And then you get what I would call kettle chips.

You end up with that. Little crunchy bits of white enamel. I mean, I just don't go into a kettle. I know it's bad in there. I don't... That's all I need to know. The innards are... It's like the surface of the moon.

I've been in there. You have to brace yourself before opening it. Ugh. I don't want to look in there. I've got those little... In the bottom of my kettle, I've got, like, little wire Brillo pad things that you stick in that apparently makes...

What is it? Some sort of... I don't know My mum uses them and she gave them to me as a bizarre gift Matchbox type car wash Yeah

But it takes some of the hard water You know where she's got that from? She's motorway Those motorway toilets that have those chew You know those things

where you chew a toothbrush Oh yeah like that And it gets to your teeth Yeah It's a kettle version of kettle. People used to put a stone, like a pebble, in the kettle. And the idea was that the terrible coral would stick to that and not to the kettle. You know what I find really disturbing is...

This should be a good list. It's not really a list. It's just the piping. I hate all the piping I don't want to know what you how you do it no I know

kettle piping I don't want to know how you do it it is a bit pompadour centre what do you mean piping the piping

inside the kettle wow are you talking about the element yeah exactly well the element is essential to us why has the mention

of Pompidou turned you into Inspector Clouseau so quickly? I know, I love her. Elemore? I've never looked at my kettle and thought,

ooh, Pompidou. I mean, it's, that's all I think. Why have you not got the Elemore? Yeah, I look at my kettle and think, well, hold on, where are the street entertainers?

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about the kettle that you put on the hob. When we grew up, which we always had one of those kettles, we also, our iron was one that you put on the hob as well.

That's proper. Yeah. Like a solid iron. Solid iron. Not shaped like an iron. That you put on like a sort of monopoly piece. It worked as a doorstop except when my mum had ironing to do. And yes, it was only my mum. We didn't know, you see.

And it would go on the... On the hob or in the oven? No, you wouldn't have been able to. Oh, I've only ever seen those and sort of great expectations of things. Yes, well, we didn't have any of those, but we did have... It was in my life growing up,

which I would like to call exceedingly low expectations, although it turned out well. I want to bring up... And the lady who lived next door, the old lady, used to put a house brick in the oven for a hot water bottle. Wow. Substitute. Can I just say, I'm obsessed by Frank's childhood.

The house brick in the oven. That's a really good idea, though. house brick in the oven. That's a really good idea though. House brick in the oven, I know, I know. It's Birmingham. Birmingham actually, I remember this from school, is the home of the electric kettle.

Is it? It was invented in Birmingham. It's such a show off, Frank. Yeah. Honestly. Kettle City! Is it? It was invented in Birmingham. It's such a show-off, Frank. Yeah. Honestly. What about when... Kettle City! Hey, come on down to Kettle City! I ain't going to play Kettle City. Take me down to Kettle City.

Where the water's hot and the girls are pretty. Take me home! Oh, I'm really in my element. Oh, come on. Come on. We need something for that. That was extraordinary. Beautiful piece of...

There's only... I didn't say that, though. I just said it was extraordinary. OK? There's got to be a kettle jingle in there somewhere in your little magic box. I can't find... We need a whistle, but I just...

Must be in Sarah's archives, the jingles. She's got... We're going to have to go to my old... He's got them set up for later. My old fallback position. Oh, that's better. It's a very good upper body workout. See, now, could I...

Quickly, kettle, right, on hob. There's a bit of it I get because I once had my electrics redone in my flat in Brighton. Haven't we all done that? I thought you were walking differently. I've been rewired. Yeah. It's expensive, isn't it? I have mine done.

Yeah, it is expensive. This was a few years ago and apparently the in-cable wasn't big enough for all of my electrics at one point. And I said to the electrician, so what do we need to do? And he went, just don't have the kettle and the tumble dryer on at the same time. That was beautifully simple. But the kettle apparently can blow the whole system. So that's what I'm saying. Energy-wise, are you better just to sort of, I don't know,

put it on a hob or warm it between your thighs? I don't know. It's a question, though, isn't it, that someone environmentally might be able to answer. What's better for the planet, an electric kettle or a kettle on the hob? Or iced tea. Okay.

Yeah, he was good. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk.

We're still talking kettle, I think. We are, but briefly, I would like to interject with some of our... Oh, interject, by all means. Some of our readers' favourite inventions. Oh, yes, of underrated underrated mentions i do apologize daily gonna uh ricards would it be ricard yeah i'm going on frank this he sent a picture hello daily this wine bra i picked up in a charity shop which I mean, I'm obsessed by this. How to describe it?

Can you see it, Zoe? No, where am I? It's sort of, do you know when you have, it's kind of, there's a handle on it. Yes. And then the wine pokes out of a hole

at the top. Do you know what I mean? Of the bra? He's calling it a wine bra. What would you, how would you describe the look of it? I would say,

I would call that an attachable handle. Okay. But then I'm wearing a handbag. I've literally said, saying what I'm seeing here. I would call that an attachable handle. OK. But then I'm literally saying what I'm seeing here. You'd be very good on catchphrase. Thank you. Thank you. But it's entirely unnecessary.

Yes. Isn't it like those, you know those ones where people pour wine into other people's mouths? Oh, like a little sack. Hasn't that got a handle? Yes. That's called something else. That's got a special name.

It's like a leather handbag with a bottle in it. Yes, yes. This is what this is. This is what this is. We've also got the back scratcher from David Gray. Yeah. United... That was one of his best jingles.

United Nathans has... I know. We'll come back to that. Has recommended the apple core remover. United Nathans has, I know we'll come back to that, has recommended the apple core remover yeah that is good actually I don't have one but now you mention it I need one

I've got a massive American apple core remover, oh no is it an apple core remover, oh no it takes the skin off I got this as a gift once from my family you put the apple in like a brace like a sort of it's like a wind-up brace very much like if you were doing something with a bit of diy on a black and decker thingy oh yeah it's very much what i do yeah so you stick an apple in this right

then you would then you sort of lower on a blade onto the apple and then you wind up a handle to take and it spins the apple and takes the skin off. Sounds very labour saving. It is absolutely pointless. Oh. It's pointless. It's environmentally friendly.

I eat the skin of an apple anywhere. Who's going to do that? Wow. Yeah, I know. I'm crazy times, Frank. Crazy, crazy times. How are you with fish?

Fish, rice pudding, custard. Yeah. Ticks or crosses on the skin. Even mistake. Sometimes a bit of skin on that. Let me have that.

Well, you leave the leather outer on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What about Frazman has said they have a little lift in a gherkin jaw now. Oh. That's ace. What?

So the gherkin can get up? Yes, it's brilliant. What, so the gherkin is lazy? No, it's so good. I think this is a brilliant invention because if you drain your gherkins, as we all know, they can dry out and shrivel up and nobody likes a shriveled up gherkin.

Not even me. No. I don't much like a moist one. Oh, I love a moist gherkin. Oh, yeah, me too. Oh, I love a gherkin. So don't match like a moist one oh i love a moist girl oh yeah me too oh i love a cookie so it's like a little drain your gherkin sounds a bit like lock up your daughters it feels like a thing you might shout as you rolled into town drain your gherkins and then and then straight into The Boys Are Back In Town. Oh, God. What's the lift? Have I seen the lift?

Yeah, about village. Feta cheese comes with it too. OK. It's all gone a bit Tom Cruise's shoes, hasn't it? Not just for gherkins. So it's basically a little sort of platform that sits at the bottom of the jar, but it's got holes in it, so it drains the gherkin fluid out as you lift the little platform out.

Can you stop doing that? Sorry. It's a bit, it reminds me of when we went to see about a tour van that we'd put in and the guy said, well, it's done 11k, I'm going to have to ramp it. You're ramping your gherkins. I think you're ramping your gherkins.

Ramping your gherkins. Twisting my melon, Matt. It's alright, lads, they're already ramped. The boys are leaving town. They should have done that as rammed. The boys are leaving town. They should have done that as a sequel, the boys are leaving town for the end of the gig. It sounds too bleak.

Yeah, you're probably right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I showed Zoe and Frank a picture of my kettle. What did you both think? Be completely honest. I very much liked it. It was kind of Bauhaus in its stark simplicity.

It had a strong design feel. It's got a Nordic vibe. It's a dove grey colour. It's very Nordic. It's got what appears to be a wooden handle. Lovely. Don't get much more Nordic than wood. Don't, do you?

I mean, unless it's an entirely wooden kettle. It's the sort of kettle which wouldn't work. Wouldn't work on the hob. Oh, what a nice glow for my Nordic kettle. I suppose the good thing is that when it burnt the water would put the fire out. Let's not try that.

It turns out the wooden kettle is a good safety device. I find that when my partner makes me a cup of tea, which she does now and again. How do you find Cass tea? Well, there's a dilemma here. I'm not leading

the witness, by the way, because I like Cass tea, but I just, with partners... She does a thing which I struggle with, is that the kettle is boiling and she thinks, oh, I struggle with is that the kettle is boiling and she thinks oh I'll get the cop out now and all that

the kettle stops boiling I am beside myself why the kettle quietens down the bubbling

ceases and then she pours it in the cop well of course no she's not I mean of course tea needs to be made

with boiling water that's that's when i pour it the light is still on the kettle you know that that little light the optimal bob it's bubbling and spitting when i pour it into it no you can't drink that frank boiling water has to go into tea though that's what it's about absolute lunacy if I was making a coffee or a or a tazane if I was making

a tazane it would be a tea you'd be looking at me like that's what I used to call herbal tea I remember

when it first came out I drink tazane yeah what's that I didn't know that was it a brand name or was it

no I don't think I think it's a generic term for herbal tea. Umbrella term for it. Oh, have I got it wrong now? No, I'm sure you have it right. But we used to... I thought...

Would you like a tisane? I don't mind if I do. What is it? Sounds like a Moroccan chicken dish. Well, no. I think you've made this up to test us to see if we disagree blindly or whether we've got our own minds.

Yeah, I've never heard of it, you say. You know when you say something that you're confident of and then people go, I'm not one of those persons who think I know I'm right. I think, ooh. It seems a confidence driven from your own. I've already proven this morning that I'm rarely right.

I mean, I've got someone's whole gender wrong. I know, but that's not as bad as inventing a term for herbal tea. What is it? Tazane? Tazane. If any of our readers, because they're bright people, they know they're onions. Yeah.

Oh, I mentioned onions. Somebody has answered my question about the efficiency. Yeah, I know, Zoe. We'll get to that. I'm really excited about this. What about the tazane? Can someone just tell us, is there such a thing as a Tuzane, or has Frank made that up?

Because it sounds a little bit made up. That's completely made up, Frank. Why would I make that up? What would be my motivation? Just to seem sort of more highbrow in the tea department. I don't. Which is, you know, our life goals are dropping here. Okay, meanwhile, back to Zoe in the studio.

Back to the efficiency. 1588 tells me electric kettle is more efficient than a hob unless it's an induction hob where it's the same. So I'm happy about that. I'm happy about that. So I'll carry on using my kettle because if they'd said hob, I'd have just totally been the kettle. Why would you have a kettle?

You don't need it. Exactly. In terms of useless inventions, Jez Garrett, I appreciate we're about to go to a song, but I'd just like to leave you with this thought. Jez Garrett, the most useless has to be the newer big bars of chocolate with wrappers that reseal. I don't buy a big bar of chocolate to put back in the fridge.

I buy it because I've had a rubbish day and I need to overdose on sugar. OK, well, that's fair enough. You have the option. Maybe you could use that wrapper as a backy pouch. Oh, yeah, lovely. Yeah, very traditional. Meanwhile, let me just look up all the tisane. I'm just going to pop the kettle on.

Anybody want a cup of tisane? Do you want to know how to spell it? T-I-S-A-N-E. How do you take it as a saying? Any tisane text? Milk to sugars. Yeah, lovely, you know. T-I-S-A-N-E.

Yeah, because that's as many times as you like, Frank. Okay. So make it through. It'll be a different world when we come back. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank. be a different world when we come back frank yes this is a great moment for you and you know what

i'm gonna let you have it okay let him have it do you remember you had asked whether... You didn't ask. It was an assertion you made regarding herbal teas. I said if I didn't boil the kettle fully, I would be OK for a coffee or a tisane. Do you want to remind us what happened then? Then there was some derision. It reminded me of when I walked in here once, Zoe, and the team were talking about the recent episode of Breaking Bad, and I said, did anyone see Merlin yesterday?

They laughed with scorn at me, and that was a Tuzane moment. You're going to like this. Go on. as a Tizane moment. You're going to like this. Go on. We've been inundated with Tizane confirmations. Oh, righty.

Fantastic. I like it, I like it. I mean, Zoe, yeah, the switchboard has blown up. Oh, thank you, everyone. Thank you all for your support. Alison Ur, she spells that in the midge way. Right.

Frank is right. That'll do me. That's it. My work here is done. And other things you haven't heard for a while at home. No, Kath would say that. She says if you're right. She might. I actually would. No, Kath would say that. She says if you're right. She might.

I know she would. Not with that gusto, though. It's also what the French call herbal teas. So not to Zane, and she's put a little thumbs up emoji. Not only are you right, you're very sophisticated. Oh, see, I knew that.

Sophisticated and on point. If you put my to Zane information next to my, the electric kettle was invented in Birmingham, you have the full range of my interests. Ruth Jordan, a Tazane is a herbal tea, Frank, and there is a tea room called Tazanes in Broadway in the Midlands. Oh, see, it's all falling into place. Is this a really old-fashioned term?

Don't try and... Is it really, really, really old-fashioned? So you're going to make it a bad thing to know. Only, like, Victorians would say... Well, 8549 has texted in saying, Hi all, Tizane is indeed a thing. Oh. In an episode of Agatha Christie's Poirot, he asked Miss Lemon hi all Tizane is indeed a thing in an episode of Agatha Christie's

Poirot he asked Miss Lemon for his Tizane which is a verbal T so I'm just saying yeah but he only asked because he knew it was the most

French sounding thing possible it sounds like it ought to be someone from a vibe band doesn't it I love to

Tizane Tizane you're my favourite Tizane sounds like anane, you're my favourite! Tuzane sounds like an entry-level electric car. Can you imagine? Anyway, to herbal tea, which I think we have now established. How do you think David Suchet would have delivered that line? If he was saying

Miss Lemon, I would like my Tuzane now, please. Frank Skinner, you're a good actor. I'll try it. Let's Suchche and see could I have made tisane

Madame Leman okay I I like that but I think he would have been I don't think

Poirot would be so I don't think he would defer with a could I I think he would say my

tisane please mademoiselle. Or maybe it's in the middle of a case. Design. Design. Yeah, just going on like that. In the middle of a case. Yeah, it's almost in the middle of a case. I don't mean a case of design.

I don't mean he's working his way through one of the sections of a herbal tea display case. Oh, do you like the sections? I love the sections. Do you? Oh, I love the sections of a herbal tea, this fly case. Oh, do you like the sections? I love the sections. Do you? Oh, I love the sections. Is that a TK Maxx? It's the TK Maxx of teas.

Just flicking through them all. Yeah, it is. It's like looking at CDs in HMV in the old days. I feel like I'm very glamorous. I'm like in a casino when they give you the presentation. Emily, you'm very glamorous. I'm like in a casino when they give you the presentation. Emily, you are very glamorous. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Now, Zoe Lyons was sort of teasing us that she's had an incident. I had an incident. Oh, yeah. I want to hear it on air. Well, I'm getting over my incident now. I had an accident, Frank. Oh, is this going to be...

Get your tiny little violins out, because it's quite bad. I have got a tiny little violin. I've got the one that Buzz used to play when he was four, and it is minuscule. It's three months ago now, but I'm still getting over it. I had a little bit of a skiing incident. You've already lost a bit of my sympathy. I know, everybody goes, oh, right.

It's worried about injuries to the in crowd. Now, go on. I've skied all my life, a very good skier. It turns out it's the stopping that I have an issue with. Oh, yeah. I was the same with drinking. Yes. Drunk all my life,

I'm a very good drinker. It's the stopping. It's the hard bit. Which, may I ask, which resort you were in? I was in Meyerhofen in Austria. Oh,

lovely. And, yeah, came to a halt in front of a large group of friends of mine, completely misjudged it and went head first

down a hill and the only way I can describe it is, you know when you put your hand in your pocket and you're expecting your phone to be there, and it's not there, and you have a moment of panic, and then you remember it's on the sideboard at home

and your heart settles again? I've had this experience before where you put your hand in your jacket expecting your shoulder to be there, and it's not. It's just not. And you know it's not on the sideboard at home either. No.

Yeah. I was taken off the mountain in one of those, they call it the blood sled. They call it the blood sled. I'm going to call it the sled of shame. Because what they, if you haven't been, basically it's like a massive orange sort of mong two skin. Oh they would make it orange. Yeah, bright orange so that everybody sees it. Strap you in. the only bit that's left exposed to the elements is your huge face of shame that then they drag past every cafe and bar on the slope so that everybody can have

a good old look at you in your moment of misery and I dislocated my shoulder in fact and when they took me to the clinic in Austria I thought they were going to give you quite high end painkillers, No, not in Austria. I got two paracetamol and a glass of warm water. And I was sitting, which is what you

give to somebody with toothache, not somebody whose limb had been hanging off. And when they sent me back in the waiting room, this is genuinely true. I sort of was zoning in and out a bit and I realised they were playing music. And then I suddenly realised the music they were playing in this waiting room in an Austrian clinic was R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts. Oh, perfect. Absolutely. Do you think that was deliberately chosen?

I don't know. Well, I think it was. I think it probably was. It was. Yeah, after they'd given me two paracetamol, I think they went, put this on, it'll be funny. You see, you know what?

Don't go breaking my arm. It's too suspicious. I told you when the dentist put on No Woman, No Cry, Don't go breaking my arm. It's too suspicious. I told you when the dentist put on No Woman, No Cry, and I said was this intentionally, they do it. Do they? Yes, I think they know what they're doing. They're doing it.

Okay. They knew what they were up to, Zoe. It's like walking into an undertaker and they're playing Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door. That would be wrong. Has it put you off skiing, the injury? No. Because no.

No. All right. But you see a porno. That was rubbish. Do you know what though? I take as a yes. I haven't broken a bone since I was a kid,

and it's made me really, really aware of my own skeleton. I'm very aware of it now. Even going downstairs, I'm like, be careful, it's a skeleton! I took a girlfriend's, ex-girlfriend's sister, I took to a West Brom versus Ipswich game. She'd never been to a football match. Lucky thing.

And at the end, she said to me, you know, all I could think of is everyone standing there and all the people on the pitch were just skeletons. Inside them all, we all had skeletons. I said, yeah, it wasn't a great game. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The music started, guys. Can you hear the strains of pride? Oh, yeah, that's pride from outside.

I can hear them calling me. I've got to go in a minute. Come back, Zoe. They need me. Call of the wild. Yeah. And it will be tonight. call of the wild yeah and it will be tonight um uh reader 3097 has um has texted in to say hi frank friends i was in an mri scanner a few weeks ago and the hospital chose another one bites the

dust oh my god yes what did that let's's hope the results turn out OK. You see, when I'm in an MRI scanner, the noise of the scanner sounds like the music I listen to most of the time. I don't need any extra stuff. You're... I hate how still they make you go. Very still. You're not allowed to move at all. No, what is it with them? Don't play music and they make you go very still you're not allowed to move at all no what is it with them don't play music and they make me be still mri guys i've never been in one i've never been

the last haircut i had i was moved around be still be still i kept i had to stay i could it was honestly i felt like i was posing for rodan's thinker did you say did you say the last haircut you had? Yeah. Were you having your hair cut in an MRI scan? No, I'm talking about the concept of being made to sit still. Oh, yes. In relation to that, when I was having my hair cut, I was also, I wasn't allowed to move. I didn't know that was a thing.

She kept saying, don't move, don't move. No, moving, you're moving. You're moving. See, I had my paint portrait done recently. So we wanted to do my portrait. Threw that in, yeah. Nice. In pencil.

And I didn't move, but I did talk throughout it. And as a result, my mouth's just a bit blurry on the resulting thing. Do you think they did it in pencil so they can rob it out? I think so, yeah. And draw someone else on there. Someone they like better comes along. By the way, there was a text which you teased me with about the TCB band.

Oh, yes. I'm going to come to that imminently. Briefly, I'd just like to say, greatest underrated inventions, the plastic zip, which allows you to reseal a bag of frozen peas. Are you familiar with that? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I'm going to say yes. Yeah. Even though the answer is no. It's called lying. Well, the annoying thing with those is I usually notice them

just as I've scissored off a corner. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then you're like... I'm the same as if on my trousers. Yeah. I use... I've already hacked a off a corner. Oh, yeah. And then you're like... I'm the same with a zip on my trousers. Yeah. I used it. I've already hacked a hole in it with scissors and then I noticed there's a zip there.

Oh, so annoying. So, 8.3, I shared a dressing room with the TCB band. That's Elvis' backing group from the 70s. Wow. Which stands for, Frank? Taking care of business. Elvis invented the poo bag for dogs.

He didn't. He didn't. Oh, why don't I get that printed on Ray's bag? Taking care of business. Taking care of business. Oh, Presley Poops. Yeah, do you know? With the lightning streak as well.

Anyway, he shared a dressing room with them in Leicester. Wesley Poops. Yeah, do you know? With the lightning streak as well. Da-da-da, da-da-da. Anyway, he shared a dressing room with them in Leicester about 20 years ago. I made, so presumably they carried on. Well, they did a show where they had Elvis on a big screen with his vocals isolated from the other stuff. So they were able to be a live backing group. Oh, I get it. It's one of those things,

you either find it wonderful or a bit depressing. It's upset me a bit. There's a big gap at the front of the stage where he would have been. I made them a cup of tea and was charmed by their apparent fascination with the electric kettle. Pianist Glenn Hardin said,

well, will you look at that? As they gathered around the boiling contraption... These are guys who work with Elvis, but were blown away by an electric kettle. As they gathered around the boiling contraption with guitarist James Burton asking, How will we know when it's ready to use? These are great names from the Elvis world.

Bassist Jerry Sheff just said, Watch and see, fellas. Whilst drummer Ronnie Tuff just waited it out with a smile. Great. I've met all these guys. This was from Andy Wood in West Yorkshire. He's one of our regulars. No, but thanks for the tip

yeah no that's a great story yeah the I met them and Glenn Harding the piano player

said I said Elvis used to sit in and play piano sometimes didn't he he said yeah just about the worst piano player I ever heard

wow anyway the final episode of series five of my poetry podcast will be out on Wednesday. Who is it? It's,

I'll give you a clue. He jousted in the same tournament as King Henry VIII. Yes, it was Sir Thomas Wyatt. You all knew that. Anyway,

catch up on any episodes you've missed wherever you get your podcasts you never recovered from that injury really do listen to it it's Sir Thomas Wyatt

wrote a poem that I use in interviews the opening line they flee from me that sometime did me seek it's a great description

of showbiz flaky people yeah anyway look that's it from us. Zoe, thanks. It's always great to have you here.

Lovely to be here. Happy Pride. Thank you. I'm off for a cup of Tazan. Yeah? Yeah. Well, that'll be flowing at Pride.

Yeah. It'll be a Tazan fest. So look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.