The Frank Skinner Show - Bear Grills

Episode Date: July 4, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! This week Frank’s been having problems with flies and discovered the one thing he’s missing from home-schooling. The team also discuss film montages, emergency stops and Blair shunning domestic duties since 1997.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show, please. We're not live and it'll be futile. However, you can follow us on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio, or indeed you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Them's your options. Hello, guys. Hello.

Hi, boys. You out there? Please don't delay like that. I thought I was talking to myself. I can't. Please, readers, please appreciate that I can't see Emily and Alan. We are having to do this remotely because of a global pandemic. So it's always lovely to hear their voices.

I like the fact that you said a global pandemic as if there's several going on at once, but one of them has kiboshed this year. I heard there was a new pig-based one on the back burner, if I may say, not to offend any vegetarians. Yeah, there's a pig one ready to go. Is there? Do you remember the old swine flu?

Those were the halcyon days. See, those was in the glory days when we were threatened with avian, the avians, the swines, thears and in they never seem to reach western europe it's been a it's been a it's been quite a i was back when people just sensibly ignored most of the modeling wasn't it um controversial i don't really know what modeling is i would have gone with it but um the only modeling i know we don't want to go down that road it sounds potentially late night podcast okay can you have a late night podcast surely podcasts destroy the uh the the continuum i think you have some podcasts which have the

energy of a late night podcast oh i see I see. Men in a Dark Room. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, it's a good point. Speaking of, I get flies in my room. Yes. I think the joke's a different structure, just so you're aware.

I think it's way, so way, so there's a fly in my soup. Yeah. No, no. I get I think it's way, so way, so there's a fly in my soup. Yeah. No, no. I get the, there's like, I think one talks about flies in the house as if there's only one kind of fly. And there's several. There's the fly that comes with the sound effect and the classic, you know, blue bottle with a blue body.

But there's little flies I get. Yeah. A fly's body flies body showing us their curves my manager spent the greater part of his he was an academic uh a geneticist he's not my dad his dad my manager's dad um and he spent the greater part of his academic career studying the hairs on the legs of houseflies. Wowee. So there's certain flies. Who wants to do mine next? If any of our readers... After lockdown, that'll be a year's work.

Yeah, I suggest the old, you know, deforestation napalm. I've got a tree feller in next week. Tree fellers, remember that joke? Can't do that, can't do that now. So there's a certain type of fly that I've found and they hodl, they get in groups of about four and they'll fly and then one will suddenly chase the other with tremendous gusto and then they calm down and carry on fighting and then another one, I don't know if it's another one, it might be the same one chasing the same one.

Are you aware of this phenomenon? I think they might be youths. Do you think they're youths? You think they are? Well it's like the youths. Do you think they're youths? Oh, you think they are? Just like playing pig. Well, it's like the youths hanging around the wall in the country drinking cider. That's what they're doing, right? I suppose that is. And occasionally they go and chase each other. Like you see youths sort of wrestle sometimes when they're in a group.

Yeah. Like that. I love it. Don't you love it when flies come with a narrative rather than just be I totally agree with you regarding the different types of fly oh yes some of them I'm happy to have in as you know cohabitants yeah well the fruit flies I mean they're sort of yeah they're quiet types they keep themselves to themselves. Yeah. Low profile. Bookish, healthy eaters.

What I object to is the oversharers of the fly community. They're noisy. Oh, yeah. I don't like that. I don't like that. Of course, they all bring excrement into the house. Good point. I'll tell you what, though. Lovely pair of pins. Very skinny legs, the house. Good point. I'll tell you what though, lovely pair of pins, very skinny legs, the flies. Well, that's what my manager's dad told me. Frank's Caterpillar on Absolute Radio. Yes, we were, welcome back.

Did you say you'd had a message about flies? Yeah, we were talking about flies, Frank, and we've had some missives in from our readers regarding flies. At Brum Driver contacted us on Instagram to say Flying Ant Day in Handsworth today. And also East Germany Online got in touch. He's called Dr Richard Millington. And he sent us a picture of a fly in Liverpool,

a flying ant, saying this one seems to have left its wing at home. People generally want to know, is it still on this year or are they doing it behind closed doors? Well, I haven't seen any flying ants this year. I think we've missed it. That's terrible. We missed it in lockdown. Well well it sounds like if it's happened in handsworth it's probably happened nationwide i would have thought yeah i think that's do you remember that time i mentioned it on um graham norton show no i mentioned there was me james mcavoy um who's the other guy? He's got like a German name.

Fassbender. Is it Zach Braff? No, no. Sorry? Is it Zach Braff? Oh, Michael Fassbender. No, don't be ridiculous. Neither of those.

Tens in Man or something like that. Okay. Anyway, one of those actors that gets awards for what they do in the gym rather than what they do in the rehearsal studio. Oh, OK. Do you know the kinds of me? Yes. Anyway, they were, and I think Marion Cotillard was on as well.

And I brought up Flying Ant Day, and they were all going, what are you talking about? No idea what you're talking about. And Graham Nortonorton who surely is close enough to humanity to still um remember it said no i don't i he said all that and um i felt really singled out made to be an outsider for something that which is a natural phenomenon which is spoken of many times on here and i said something like i'll perhaps say they'll go you know dare go into

celebrity areas and graham norton said hey come on we're doing any of that like that was the one thing that wasn't allowed on the show and i've never been booked on there since so that's the end of that is that right yeah it's a surprise career-ending remark. It is, isn't it? You cannot never, never, maybe it was, I don't know, Marion Cotillard, never bring up Flying Ant Day after that incident. Can I just say, I can exclusively reveal, having checked this, while you two gentlemen were having your cigars,

I can exclusively reveal that the guests on that episode were James McAvoy Frank Skinner Marion Cotillard and Michael Fassbender there you go I knew it you said it Al Calder I can't even remember him is he still working he's? He's just been cancelled, he mentioned Flying Ant Day on Radio 2 this morning Oh wow Yes, was that before Flying Ant had apologised?

Anyway I was made to feel like some ridiculous outsider, it was awful It was awful I was punished for their ignorance. And isn't that the thing that happens more and more in the modern world? Yeah. Only you could construct a narrative where you'd been banned from the Graham Norton show

as a result of you discussing Flying Ant Day. Well, I'm not saying that's why I was banned. It might have just been that I I'm rubbish but I really was it left a sour taste in my mouth I must say and that makes me happy that our readers are still acknowledging that it exists

because you know those who ignore history are condemned to relive it God Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking before that about when Fassbender, McAvoy,

Cotillard and Norton conspired against me and pretended there was no such thing as Flying Ant Day. You made them sound like a sort of criminal fraternity. The Big Four four it was like that it was like the mccarthy witch hunt and um and i um i think now looking back at least one of them knew knew perfect was perfectly aware of flying Ad Day. Absolutely. And just thought, no, I'm not going to speak up.

Just to be clear, this is you calling out four celebrities for a lie that you think they told about three years ago. Yeah. They made me look, though. The fact that I knew more than them. I mean, as if that wasn't obvious before we even arrived. It's ironic that it's this subject that you've got a real bee in your bonnet about. Oh.

Well, it's certainly upped the ante on that performance. Oh. Yes. Anyway, I've never cared for any of them since. Wow. It was unnecessary. What I would have done is I've never heard of that, tell us more, I'd like to learn

It's important to be learning all the time Not I haven't heard of it Therefore it can't be of any worth or meaning Well the good thing is You were really able to put it behind you And move on Well yeah exactly A lot of people would have let it fester

Not Frank Let it uncle fester oh it might actually it might have been i got interviewed i was interviewed on there and there was two now i come to think of it there was two irish rowing brothers i remember them i remember this yeah and i told the story and they went, that was a pretty terrible story or something like that. I'll tell you exactly what they said. They said, cool story, bro. Oh, is that what they said? And I thought, really?

Is this, is man but this a meme? I mean, come on. It was, yeah, it was. I hate the whole thing. I hope the show goes down the toilet. No, I can't believe it. You can't say that. Anyway.

Thanks, manager, for deciding to go back into geneticism. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it hasn't. I'm saying... Oh, what's happening? Can I talk about a TV show which I care for? Oh, my God. Have you ever seen Teen Titans Go?

No. Let me just have a think. Absolutely not. You know what? But don't do a flying hand day on me. Don't dismiss it. It's actually, it's one of the few things I will miss about homeschooling. it's a it's a i watch it it's one of the few things i will miss about homeschooling

and um in the break in lunchtime buzz watches three or four episodes of um teen titans go we got we got a big heavy uh record um backstory of theirs and it's about teen titans you know which is a sort of a superhero group along the lines of Avengers and stuff. But they're teenagers. But it's actually, can I recommend it to you guys? Let me give you just an example. You can try. Okay. One of the things they were talking about the other day on there was something I'd never really thought of.

It was overbite dancing. Oh, yes, I i know and you know when people dance and they look like they're concentrating a bit too much and they sort of do the overbite yes and they had a whole episode about that and i thought that was a fabulously inventive interesting original thing to be talking about what about that reminds me when i danced with a woman once and she said to me you don don't really dance to the music, do you dance to the words? Ha! Oh!

I'm loathe to let the Teen Titans Go theme disappear. Before I've told you a few other things. And one of the things that they did, one of the episodes was about montages. Oh, yeah. And it was about those things in films and television programmes when someone, say, has to get really fit. The famous one being in Rocky.

And you get like a 40-second montage of them eating raw eggs, doing press-ups, running up steps, yeah. And they tried to do it in the programme. They did it. They had to fight this martial arts villain, and so they did a montage of them practising. Can I just say I'm in now on Teen Titans Go?

Yeah, yeah. I'm up for it. And then they lost. They got a real whooping, and Robin, the boy wonder, had to say to them the thing is you see life's not like that you can't learn in a montage you have to put lots of long hard work you know over a long period of time i like this he said montage montage thinking that's what's that's led us down here and i thought god that's a good point montage thing Can I tell you one more? Can I tell you one more? There was an episode

about when Richard Nixon took the USA off the gold standard. What? In Teen Titans? In Teen Titans. It's one of those, the great thing about those shows, it's a bit like this show

I suppose. If you're a bit tucked away and not noticed by the majority, you can go where you like. I love some of their coverage. Can I do one more? The one when Robin suggested that the Teen Titans as a whole got involved in rental property investment. Really?

Sorry, anyway, sorry. a whole got involved in rental property investment really sorry anyway sorry do you like that frank's trying to adopt the friends vernacular the shared experience of the one where with teen titans as if any everyone else is going to say oh i love that one yeah well it makes a change from seinfeld or the simpsons or um i like those curb your enthusiasm yes it's like that um that curb your enthusiasm where can i just point out that while you're on the subject of the montage the equivalent of the female makeover which i regret to say is largely um sort of makeup hair and clothes related however that is a similar you know the sort of speeded up time frame always going into the changing room with the friend shaking her head and then nodding at the

successful outfit choice and usually down to uptown girl will often be the music sometimes yeah good you know, you know. Yeah. You choose. Why don't we put out there the question, what is your favourite film montage sequence, e.g. Rocky Gets Fit in Rocky 1? Yes. And see, because there must be loads of others. It's in the same school.

Do you remember the days of the spinning newspaper that used to settle on a headline? Yeah. Yeah, it's like that. I'd love to be reminded of some others. So let's put that out there. We're able to, don't text us because we're not live, but we're able to hear you on Instagram and Twitter and email.

Probably you won't be able to do it on email and Twitter and email we probably you won't be able to do on email Twitter Instagram you know the the big two yes I like to call me are they the big two would you say of the social Instagram what would you say I think I think they probably are but some to Facebook has that gone down a bit oh no that Facebook some I Facebook's... I think that's the more... That's the sort of more pensioners. Oh. I might check that out.

They call it leather shopping bag. Yeah. Have we had outside world activity this week? Well, we have actually. It's interesting that you bring up watching a television show with Buzz while you were homeschooling because you, last week I think it was, discussed taking Buzz's teddy up to your office with you. Ben, is it a teddy bear?

It is, yeah. Yes, I became... Don't get me wrong, I'm not disturbed, but I just... There was a tiny hint for me that he might have been lonely because Buzz had gone back to school. And I know he's a teddy bear and all that that entails,

but I thought, I'm just going to err on the side of safety and I took him... In fact know he's a teddy bear and all that that entails but i thought i'm just going to err on the side of safety and i took him in fact he's at my side he's literally at my side now as we speak well um texter 737 has indulged in a little bit of um armchair psychiatry on you here okay okay he says or she frank taking ben whilst you were working was a buzz substitute. You were missing your son. Oh, that's a nice, nice way. That makes me sound less strange. Can I just say whilst we're on the subject that last week when we discussed education,

I made a glib comment that state school teachers didn't want to teach children. And I have heard from some of the hardworking teachers of the United Kingdom who were either not able to take lighthearted comments on the radio or are working very hard. And they were not happy with me. I think they're all right as long as you share it with everyone else. This is like Dominic Cummings in the Rose Garden, the official apology. The hard-working teachers of this country, there's four.

They were really annoyed with me. That's four of them. Can I say, I was a teacher, a sort of, for a couple of years. I taught over 16. I would say it's the hardest job I've ever done. Well, right now it'd be the hardest job you weren't doing, wouldn't it? What about Don't Ask Me, Ask Britain? He's not letting it go, Al.

I'm trying to lead him out. No, he's broken free from my grip. You know when there's a fight, you drag someone away and they break loose and go and throw another couple of punches. I mean, they've got the time to message me about it. Oh, wow.

Belligerent, that's the word. Absolutely belligerent. In fact, you did your best, mate. You did your best. We could call it... I asked if people

could knock a nail into a teddy bear's face and think nothing of it did we get any response to that? Oh we did Al didn't we? Another of your wide appeal textings Yeah We had Andrew Key who says and you might need to pour yourself a stiff drink for this

teddy bears are the biggest germ carrying items not only would I nail them, I'd incinerate them with a blow lamp too. Wow. Which makes my comments seem quite light, doesn't it? Well, my partner, Kath,

is always saying that Ben carries a thing called staph. Have you ever heard of that? It's a staph infection. S-T-A-P-H. Yeah, it's highly infectious, which makes mockery of the saying you can't get the staph. Apparently, you can get it quite easily.

And she always, she's got a bit on her nose, she claims, and she's said she got that from Ben, from being forced to hog ben good night so maybe they used to be parrots that used to that's it who's in the carries a lot of diseases chair at the moment teddy bears used to be parrots they always used to say rats pretty firm in that chair would you say i would say parrots were settled in there. They used to say parrots carried something like, and then there would be a figure like 137 diseases or stuff like that.

That's why a lot of pirates had one eye. It was conjunctivitis was one of the things that they carried. I don't know why, being parrrots they didn't call out a warning that's that's the thing it was it was absolutely wanton hello this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and alan cochran please don't text us today we ain't here if you know what I mean. But you can contact us on Instagram and Twitter at Frank on the radio, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website.

So contact is still possible, but don't text. It's bad. And as an EG of the calibre of contact that we get last week we heard from somebody who had crucified a teddy bear yes and um and we also received a message which i think is a witty remark um from at onion bergy surely the name of the teddy nailed to the cross should be bare abbas oh that is good boxes for you he was released of course yeah i mean can you believe that that'd be a good montage what happened next with barabbas it starts with barabbas um sitting in uh prison and a bloke coming in, Barabbas, like, what gobstruck expression.

And then Barabbas leaving town on donkey with like crucifixion in background that he doesn't even notice. And Barabbas arrives in Newtown and sees a job for children's entertainers, let's say. And then you see him dressed as a camel dancing in front of children. And that's how he became a big star. I'd like to see a montage of you, Frank, sort of what I call as evolving into what I like to think of as Frank 2.0. You're right.

The more poetry podcast, Frank Skinner, as opposed to the football, you know, not that there's not a place for football in your current life, but you know what I mean, your brand. your brand and I see this montage as you possibly looking wistfully at a stack of FHMs throwing them in the trash can ah yes yes and then reaching for the the complete wordsworth and then taking down a picture not that again you would have done this but the brand of you would have had a picture of a lady perhaps on the wall and you would have done this, but the brand of you would have had a picture of a lady, perhaps, on the wall. And you would have taken that off and replaced it with a picture of James Joyce or something. That's how I see it. Yes, I guess there's an element of that, certainly. The thing is that those pictures were never really on the wall, but, you know, they were on the wall of my brand.

We're talking about the perception of Frank Skinner which i did used to have a picture of me i say i had a picture of kathy lloyd on my wall but only because i was in the photo with that and i was being um now what was the name of that uh country and western female country and west kd lang kd lang did a picture with a famous model in which she was shaved in a barber's chair and i recreated that for the news of the world with the kathy lloyd the popular page three um what were they were all popular let's face it i had that on my wall with me as kD Lang so there's so many complications in that image we can't dwell on it now obviously

she did a very good version of crying do you remember that? oh yeah she did not as good as the big O but nothing's as good as the big O I've always said that oh god maybe the brand isn't that far as good as the big R. I've always said that. Oh, God. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Maybe the brand isn't that far off the... I tell you, speaking of the brand, I've been watching a bit of football this week. Whatever happened to. Yes. And you know what?

I don't miss the crowd thing. I don't really notice the crowd, aren't they? No. Oh, really? I realise now. Maybe it's time to get rid of the crowd thing. It's a bit of an old-fashioned concept. And just have paid subscriptions.

OK. You know, clubs will be moving to smaller grounds. Can you imagine that? Have you got the thing where you can hear a version of them, though? I've got the video. My season ticket means I can watch them all online. But do you press the button where you hear a fake crowd? Is that what you're doing?

Oh, no, I don't do that, no. Do you do that, Al? I don't. I haven't watched any of it. With the Hawthorns, I find it's a bit louder now than it is at a lot of the games. And so say all of us in North London. So you could get rid of hooliganism, football traffic, no fat blokes urinating on the hard shoulder, you know,

and just have everyone just pay subscription and watching at home on their room on their devices I find it completely thrilling I must say I think it could be the future let me know what you think know in the don't Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio now in the old days before what I'm now calling the global pandemic there was we used to have lots of jingles

and stuff they probably are still available but nobody could be bothered to supply me with them and so and we have to do I've only got one, and it's basically Dandy Livingstone, Susan Beware of the Devil. So this is the email corner jingle. Oh, Susan Beware of the Devil.

Don't let him spoil your heart. There you go. We've got emails. We have. We've heard from sue mackerel hello sue sky's the limit she uh has this to say with regard to malted milk biscuits which were heavily discussed on last week's show yes Yes, in case you don't, just a brief resume. The malted milk biscuit is the one with sort of a relief of cattle in a field on it. OK. Exactly.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Just been listening to Saturday's podcast and heard you discussing malted milk biscuits. My brother's claim to fame is that one of his first projects after leaving university was to make the cow on the malted milk biscuits stand out more and be clearer to see. I think he did this rather well and heard Frank say if it wasn't for the malted milk biscuit we wouldn't have 3D films today. I'll pass this on to said brother to enhance his claim to fame even further thank you sue mackerel what do you imagine his job was that he was called in to enhance the malted milk cow

graphic artist yeah Karen Hansen would be a great he didn't get a lot of calls, but when he did, he knew what he was going to have to do. Oh, Matt, when he did, he was there. There weren't many people in the waiting room when he turned up for the interview. Let's put it that way. He could have called himself a relief worker. That would have been absolutely accurate. Oh, that's very fine. Very fine.

Very good. He could have been working in genetics or something. Maybe. Maybe. Actually, he worked on the actual original model and then the artist came in and did it that way and enhanced the original cow. We'll never know, but I'm grateful to him.

I'm guessing that he took it from low relief to high relief then to use um artistic terminology yeah well we have that that is a great claim to fame we had that message about malted milk biscuits and here's another one other another one oh an order what sorry i i was i thought is he all right he's gone quiet has fallen? I was just doing quite a laboured pun. You were quite right to wait. It was worth waiting. I still think, is he all right? Continue. Jedi Like a Boss, a.k.a. Paul Carter, has tweeted us,

on the subject of malted milk biscuits discussed in the last show, I found this picture floating around on the internet in reference to Frank's mention of a milk churn featuring in the biscuit design granted this is an enamel pin badge but it lends credence to the myth and he sent a photograph of what looks like several little kind of gold enamel malted milk badges it's wow it's a great thing I didn't know there was an industry what does malted milk merch it's easy for you to say yeah that's I'm gonna check it when this record ends I shall go to eBay and see what other malted milk stuff I've got what i would like is a large i mean size of a

wall um picture of the field where you can put your face through the hole so that me and my family can be the the malted milk cattle Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. log don't um don't get angry about it guys hi frank and the team i've discovered your podcasts and i'm working through them in reverse order interesting we're all getting younger in this guy's head and the subject of reversing here's something you don't see anymore men reversing their car with the door slightly ajar their head lolling sideways and twisted to the right holding on to the handle to balance damper parking sensors and their multi-mirrored modern vehicles. As a nation, we are gradually losing the skills that made this country amusing. Oh, I love that.

Good ending. I agree. It's a very strong point. I thought, oh God, it's going a bit right wing this. And then it went, made this country amusing. Love it. I made this country amusing. Lovely. I'd forgot about that. The door slightly adjoined.

Can I honestly say I've never done that? I've never had the confidence or the skill to do that. My reversing is, oh man, I dread reversing. I will drive round and round to avoid it. I can do a three point turn, but when people go down a road at some speed, reversing without hitting any of the traffic, I think that's remarkable.

I know, but I find the noise very satisfying. Of reversing? It's like rewinding life. I enjoy that. The only time I've been good at it is I learned to drive in a Triumph Toledo. And there was a watermark on the back windscreen. And if I got that watermark lined up with the kerb, I could reverse very successfully.

But once that car's gone, chances of that car not being in cube form in a scrapyard is... Well I learned to drive on one of those London to Brighton vehicles you sometimes see What about a vintage car? No I didn't but you know

my age would indicate that and I have to say I can because I think we might have discussed this before but uh with the emergency stop we've been on 11 years don't beat yourself up how many people have you known for 11 years who haven't said something to you that they have it is a topic that they have discussed before that That's just life. Yes, you're right, Frank. It's the 10-year cycle. The emergency stop, which they no longer do, I believe, because I think...

Is this because it's considered violent? You know, they would bang the windscreen, wouldn't they, the instructor? It can't be. Please tell me it isn't that. Do you think it is that, Alan? That sounds like your area. It's an anti-violence stat.

Well, everything's violence now, isn't it? Well, there used to be an A to Z across the dashboard. And I don't know what you'd use now. There's no real legitimate... Do they even have a... I bet they have a device now, don't know what you'd use now. There's no real legitimate... Do they even have a... I bet they have a device now, don't they? Some sort of device. They'll use a smartphone case, something like that. Oh, no.

No. They won't even have a packet of fags they can bang down or anything. I mean, for goodness, no wonder they've stopped it. fags they can bang down or anything i mean for goodness no wonder they've stopped it i wonder if they stopped the emergency stop really suddenly in that it was in one test and then bang it wasn't in the next test it was really it stopped at a tremendous screech i remember it was one of the few things I got right on my first test. Glad to hear it.

I didn't get the one right when the pedestrian was on the zebra crossing. That was the emergency stop I missed. We were discussing the end of the emergency stop, of all things. I didn't know that had gone. Well, I thought it had. And during our coffee break, I've discovered that what appears to happen now is that if you're asked to complete an emergency stop in the current driving test, the examiner will raise their hand and call out stop. And then you complete the stop.

But there's no physical. They still do it, but there's no physical contact. There's no banging noise. Okay, fair enough enough I suppose that the health and safety he could startle someone yeah the banging oh I'm not really startled but I gotta be honest if I was driving along and someone even now someone in the car raised their hand and shouted stop I'd still be a little uneasy it wouldn't be the first.

I've never been in a moving car where anyone's done that. Oh, dear. Yes, although you have. I'm sure you've done this, Frank, because I've done it, and Alan, which is when you feel you're having to brake fairly suddenly to avoid some sort of potential catastrophe or avert an incident, always reach across with the hand to protect the passenger, which I always assumed was out of just was me being a very empathetic person.

But apparently this is some weird physical instinct, isn't it? I've never done that. Have you not? What does that take? No, that surprises me. Is that psychopath test? I was told in this thing when I used to drink in pubs, like proper pubs, not, you know,

not pubs with loud house music playing and beautiful people, but pubs with a jukebox and old blokes in it. People talked a lot about driving. And one of the things they used to say is to stab with staccato thrusts at the um at the brake pedal and that stops the car faster if it's a real a genuine emergency stop you ever heard of that no i haven't check it out um i'm glad you added the uh brake pedal bit they always used to say also if you listen to the revs very closely you don't need to use the um clutch when changing gear you can hear the moment where you just you can just move the gear stick and it'll just go

smoothly in any way try it the problem The problem with trying that, to get good enough at it, you're going to have to hear that horrible noise of gears not changing properly. The removal of synchromesh, that's what it used to be, wasn't it? I guess it is, yeah. Sorry to interrupt Jeremy and Richard, but do you think we could maybe go on to another topic? Yeah, do it. What about another email while we're still in the corner? OK, I enjoyed feeling like James May at that point. Do you know James May? No, but thanks for the tip. OK.

Yes, we have. Do you remember we were discussing mnemonics on the show not long ago? Yes. We've had this missive in from Jen who says, good evening, Frank, Emily and Alan. I say evening because I'm listening to your podcast on a Saturday night. I've been a listener for a long time. I've been a listener for a long time, but this is the first time I've been in touch. but this is the first time I've been in touch. Renumonics.

One I've remembered since school is never eat cheese, eat sausage sandwiches and remain young. It spells... Who's going to be first? Never eat cheese, eat sausage... Thank you. Oh, necessary. I still have it in my head every time I write that word.

Because necessary is quite a tricky one. I was complaining that my dad had one for contents, which is not a hard word to spell. But necessary, I think that deserves a mnemonic. I always remember necessary as one collar and two sleeves. So that's the C and the double S. But how do you remember that it's not two collars and one sleeve? Oh, because it's based on the shirt.

The shirt template. Yes. Fiendish. Absolutely fiendish. Now, one of the things we are doing nowadays is putting out stuff on Twitter and Instagram so we although we are not live we can get some sense of our readership speaking to us because I miss them I'm not joking I miss their regular contact on the show so much what's on SM

social media social media I don't know which aspect of your life we're currently wading through I miss the ampersand we've had so many Frank just to mention a few as we go what I asked was we were talking about montages in films

when things happen so Rocky is a fat out of, out-of-condition bloke who does part-time work at a meatpacking factory. And then we watch him in 40 seconds or however long that montage is, the tune of dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. And he eats raw eggs and runs up steps and becomes a world champion fitness athlete. OK, so we're talking about that.

And I asked if anyone's got any favourite, much loved film montages. Yes, we've had so many. We've had Adam Disney, who's pointed out Karate Kid 1, the tournament rounds montage. You're the best around. pointed out Karate Kid 1, the tournament rounds montage, You're the Best Around. Oh, yeah.

Syme Quinn. Oh, God, I forgot that. Notting Hill, When Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone, plays as Hugh Grant's character walks through the full four seasons. Yes, I remember that. Oh. Oh, I've not seen that.

I've never seen that. I've never seen them. Oh. I don't know if I've ever seen a Richard Curtis film. Wow. Oh. We've also had nicky hall has pointed out the very the famous one of the most famous sort of transformation montages uh julia robertson pretty woman saying to the snooty sales girl how much commission she's missed out on by being rude to her on a prior occasion now she's got money i believe she says big mistake huge and then we have um aiden greenaway who says uh step brothers when brennan and dale

realize they're best friends cue martial arts night vision goggles wolf lamps etc i've never seen that but i like the sound of it yeah that does sound good that's bonding is it the old vision is on demand oh so rude isn't it on television on demand we should say yeah chris brace girdle thanks for the tip um has pointed out that team america owned the montage no longer possible to even pull one off now good point oh yeah which is true yeah well i'd say teen titans have made it their own but you know you love teen where all i do i love teen titans it's it's you know there aren't that many i think most of the real inventiveness and um originality and experimentation that's going on on television now is going on on children's television

with things like Gravity Falls, Teen Titans, Amazing World of Gumball, all that. So really, they are so inventive and incredible programmes. Anyway, that's enough about that. I've been watching Merlin, partly because of you and partly because of my daughter. Come on! And I had a classic moment the other day of being a guy who actually went to drama school and trained as an actor.

I was watching Merlin and I said to my kids, oh, I know him. One of the people in it. Well, Buzz asked me the other day, he said, how many people have you met that are in the Harry Potter films? And I said, I can't think of many. That's a good question. And then I listed, I listed about 30. Once I actually started,

I've worked with many of them. You've worked with them all. But I've only, I've only met one of the big three. Oh yeah. I've only met Grinto. I haven't met the other two. So,

he's the one I want to meet, of course. I'm, you know, pro ginger. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can't text the show today because we, in a sense, we don't exist. But you can follow us on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. I've had to move Ben, my co-host today, who is Bozzy's teddy bear, who I've brought along to my room because I actually seriously have a slight anxiety

that he'll get lonely on his own downstairs oh um if I if I have Ben on my lap I get so hot I don't know what I don't know if it's the staff he carries um if you weren't listening earlier he's not a shepherd it's an infection but he generates heat he really is maybe all bears do I don't know you very what's the name of that film where the bloke's killed by a bear at the end Oh documentary spoiler alert but it's called Grizzly Man I think Grizzly Man you horrible yeah Frank's just told you the last three minutes of it

yeah the famous director whose name escapes me at the moment gives the tape of the terrible ending an audio tape to I think

his mother or girlfriend yeah and says here's that never listen to it I thought whoa

it's the most gothic novel thing I've ever heard. Never open that door. I bet she listened to it. You know what it's like. You've had a drink. Get the cassette out. Speak for yourself.

Yeah. Get the cassette out. Come on, let's have a listen. He said, no, listen to it. Never mind what he said. Get the tape on. I think they were from West Bromwich, the family. Yeah.

Big bear problem up that way. Big bear problem? Can you say that from here? That's like that book, The Long Firm. I spent the first five minutes trying to find the the end of the title why hasn't um bear grills done a podcast just called bear grills oh yeah oh yeah which interviews people it's not often that your name works perfectly just for the title it tells the story. Bear Grylls, yeah.

Or Cooking Show Frank, you know he's got all sorts of options. Or cooking, but Bear Grylls I think it's cleverer the interviewing isn't he? I think so. Could he interview, I don't really know Bear Grylls' work, is he capable of doing an interview? Well what I do is... Or is it all you know, is it all like polythene over a hole in the floor to create moisture? That's your apartment.

If it was me, I'd suggest a studio environment where there was a light shining on him as a sort of FBI interrogation in keeping with the grills theme. Just an idea. It's absolutely perfect perfect it will happen because he's the sort of um you know he's hot isn't he at the moment i think or is that george foreman grills oh dear so um can i ask you both something yes did you happen to see the most beautiful girl? No, Tony Blair.

Yes, and she was crying, crying. It's a shame. Tony Blair gave an interview this week. I'm not sure if you saw it. It was in the Sunday Times and within it he made the revelation and it went slightly viral because he admitted he hadn't done any housework, cooked a meal or washed his own clothes since 1997. Respect. That was another party, apologies. It's one of the few times that I've read the Times long interview and said snap out loud because I'm exactly the same.

Well, it's interesting. Hank Skinner? I can think of three occasions when I've said result in reference to Tony Blair, but never with more conviction than I did when I read this story. Yes. He also admitted, guys, just so we have the full charge sheet in front of you, he hasn't done a grocery shop driven a car um i mean there was all sorts of things he's um he's one of them uh male chauvinist pigs hey is he one of you know

them male chauvinist pigs he's one of them hey um sorry my whole self seems to be breaking through from the inside, like a baby bird emerging from an egg. I'll fight it, don't worry. Those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I'll fight it. We were discussing the male chauvinist pig Tony Blair. Tony Blair. Blair, oh. Blair.

To be fair to Blair, I don't... I think it's only during... How is your poetry podcast? Yeah. It's only... Or Hair Blair, as they call him in Germany. Hair Blair Bunch.

They call him the Hair Blair Bunch. Very good. The... They call them the hair blare bunch. It's only during lockdown, I think, that Cherie, is it Cherie or Cherie Blair? Cherie, I think. Cherie. That Cherie has been doing the housework. I think normally they have serving folk who do it for them, which is not so bad as if someone's been

paid for it. Cherie's too busy to do it regularly. She's one of them do-gooders. You know them do-gooders who are always busy bodies. Yes, apparently.

For normal people, that's a QC. Can I tell you... Can I do a character called Dr Jekyll and Mr Smedwick? Which I keep turning back into my old black country self. Much like the Hulk, as we previously discussed on this show, with the frayed jean bottoms. I like to see you with a sort of a football shirt would start creeping out under the top of your nice John Smedley silk mix jumpers. Some stonewashed jeans. Yeah.

An England supporter, three quarter length. your trousers would all be chopped off I never did I never did did you notice Cherie during this interview if you read it she sort of stuck her head round the door

mid interview in a sort of comic sidekick way and she said if he tells you he does housework he's definitely lying yeah

good stuff but she also said she did a follow up interview interview he went mad at her after do you think so i don't think she thought of it until she read all the comments about any story that had tony blair in it and you know people call him tony b liar oh yeah they deliberately misspell it oh yeah blah yeah yeah get it i mean's Cochran, so it's probably for the best I don't go into politics. No, no, I should lay off that. I had quite a big row with Tony Blair once.

Did you? Did you? You didn't. You've worked with them all, haven't you? It was weird because it started off... No, what you mean, Al, is he's rowed with them all. It started off as quite genial. And then, because I interviewed him on my,

when I had a chat show in the old normal, I liked him a lot. And then I got invited to a charity event at Number 10 by Cherie, I think, because it was one of them one of them do gooders and um dr jackie mr smithicola and we're talking about like comedy in general me and tony blair and he said oh i had uh brian ricksy or um last week for a charity thing i see he's dead he said no he's here last week he's been dead about three years he He said, no, he was here. I said, I'm sorry, but you're completely right.

It must have been his son. His son writes kids' books, but he's probably... He said it was... He said it wasn't his son. And it really got... Like, we were both getting quite... I said, it's not because you're getting angry. It wasn't him.

He's dead. And I don't think there was, like... I don't know when mobile phones and that happened, but we didn't Google it or anything like that. Anyway, he was absolutely spot on. It was Brian Ricks. I was completely wrong. And that's why you didn't listen to me about the Iraq war, I think.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know, you get wrong once and people think you're wrong every time huge uh we were talking about uh Blairo Liliba Blairo um I the the thing is that Tony Blair says he doesn't, he hasn't had any housework really of any description since 97. The thing about him not driving, I think I told you once,

I was at a test match talking to John Major, the former Prime Minister. What row did you have with him? No, I don't think we had a row actually. There was two blokes standing at the back with the curly wires on their ears. They were his security blokes. Oh yeah. And I said to him, must be great having security blokes. And he said, I always think if I get rid of them,

somebody will shoot me the next day. I said, yeah, I can see that. And I said, if it was me, I'd get myself a nice Rolex and go through a stroll through really rough areas in the early hours. If you're going to get bodyguards, I mean, just the joy of it. Imagine. I mean, I know it's different for you, Al, because no one's going to take you down. But for a man like myself,

to be able to walk around and not think someone could appear at any moment and hack me down, it's a lovely thought. So I'm guessing that Blair's had to keep... He couldn't get rid of security because there's still a few anti-Blair rights about I can understand him not having done laundry because he thinks he's too important but I do I really don't understand him saying that he's too big to have driven a car

since 1997 because the Queen and Prince Philip still drive. Perhaps it's a bad example. I wouldn't use Prince Philip, yeah. Absolute radio does not condone those sort of driving. If I offered you, Al, a full-time driver, do you think you'd ever drive again? Yeah, probably. I think I would. And if I lived in a stately home like Tony Blair did and I missed driving, I'd just be doing, like, I'd drive a go-kart around the grounds. Well, he might do that.

Do some donuts on the lawn or something. Yeah, and break tans on the gravel. Yeah, I don't think he's really embracing the possibilities of his life. I've got to say... Sorry, Frank. No, you go first. I was going to say, as someone who no longer drinks alcohol, I find... Is that right?

Yeah. Since? I don't... I mean, with the greatest respect, it wasn't a necessary choice. It was more of a lifestyle choice. But I would say it's been about a year and a half, two years, maybe. I didn't realise that. Well, I've just gone off it. I've just gone off it. I've just gone off it.

But as someone who it's no longer part of my life, I find it a very handy excuse for the inebriated at parties. And I am able to resist the pressure. Do you see? Oh, by saying you're driving? Yes. Thank you. Yes.

And a burly security guard would spoil that. I mean, he's got... I don't know. I don't think I'd drive for pleasure if there was a man in a uniform. I say a man. I once went to a big fight. I can't remember who was fighting there.

But outside was Don King's Rolls Royce. And there was this incredible blonde woman. If one can talk about just aesthetically, just strikingly, the sort of cheekbones

you could slice ham on. And she had a... You know those like Parker wears in Thunderbirds? Those double-breasted chauffeur things with the cap. She had one of those on, but all in black leather. And she was, like, peroxide blonde. Wow. I mean, come on.

I know, you've got to be careful what you're saying, but wow, that was really... No wonder his hair is constantly on end. You were talking just now, Frank, about Don King and his female leather-clad driver, which I love the sound of. I also fondly remember the late Liberace's habit of, he would dress up his partner as his chauffeur. Do you remember this? He would drive on stage in a white sort of uh you know there's a sort of quality street uh military white jacket with gold oh yeah arcade on it i'm wearing one of those

i wish you were that's what i wear in home recording studio who would wear who could we think of freddie mercury would have worn one. Yes. Probably Jacko. Oh, maybe. He liked paramilitary look, sort of. He liked the quality straight. Yes. Who would wear it? Sons trousers.

Frank Skinner. I actually can't think of anyone else. I need to sleep. His boyfriend, Scott, or a partner, would drive him on stage in a white Rolls Royce in the full chauffeur's outfit. Well, he had a fabulous... I went to the... Actually, I was going to another big fight. I was going to Tyson Bruno in Vegas. And I went to the Liberati Museum and there yeah there was a London cab in there which was completely covered in I don't know what you'd the technical term but mirror ball you know the little

tiny square yeah it's some sort of I suppose a sort of reflective mosaic the glitter ball is it i believe okay well so the whole the whole of the exterior of this london black cab was glitter ball and apparently what he used to do is when people would be arriving when his season in vegas started people would be uh arriving uh you often often like you have a hardcore middle aged women following. He would arrive at the taxi queue, him on his own, drive in this mirror ball London cab and drive five of the women or every man he could get into his hotel to their hotels. Not to his hotel, obviously. No one many could get in, to their hotels. Not to his hotel, obviously. No one could accuse him of that. To their hotels, yeah. Do you know, Frank, I wish at some point during that process

he'd have wound down the window and yelled at a reporter, I just want to be left in privacy. Leave me alone. I like a lot about that story. And I think one of the things i like the most about is that you're the kind of guy that doubles up watching the heavyweight championship boxing match with the liberace museum yes it's it's a fair part liberal i don't know if you've ever seen liberati live but um he's properly funny, Liberace.

He was really, he knew. He did know. They don't all know, he knew. What did you say about Stephen Fry? I was saying, what other celebrities drive a black cab? Stephen Fry, he's the only one I know, yes. I think he did, or if he does, I don't know. I believe it's quite a thing, because then you don't get... I'll tell you what, I'll get the boss.

Can you imagine that? And then, of course, at that time, the Archduke of Prussia... Yeah, all right, mate. Just keep your eyes on the road. Yes, and of course, magenta was the colour of... Oh! For God's sake! What happened to people moaning about the traffic? No, I couldn't cope with that.

Awful. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing Tony Blair. I tell you what, I read that he is now he runs a think tank and he's got a consultancy called Tony Blair Institute for Global Change. Yeah. Okay.

Now, to me that sounds like retirement. It's another word for retirement isn't it sitting around and just you know those jobs when you think what what what comes out of that and also can I ask you a question a think tank yeah it's a strange term when you actually stand back from me is it tank because like fish tank there is a circularity of argument in which everyone just goes round and round and never there's no destiny or is it tank as in that you power forward letting no obstacle get in your way riding I love the word gather round for it rough shod oh yeah i have a rough shot yeah but

why is it a think tank and is he getting paid for these things that aren't really things yeah he's getting paid quite a lot for those things i think that's one of the problems that people have with it tony blair institute for Yeah. What's he talking about? It reminds me, I met a bloke who said he worked in this sort of area of, you know, no work. The sort of no work work. And he said he was working. Good friend of yours. He said he was working on a new model for integrity, I remember he said to me.

Imagine that. Imagine he had an air fix in his garage. I've met plenty of people who seem to do that full time without adding the for integrity aspect of that sentence. But that's another story. aspect of that sentence but um that's another story have we had any um any more film montages before we um before we reverse out of the car park and head on our way home we have people are very fondly remembering uh every episode of the a-team keeps getting mentioned oh i'd forgotten that did they have montages yeah the a-teamTeam was in the very midst of my heaviest drinking, so I never really saw that at all.

Well, I'm thinking of one where they were locked in a garage and with a little bit of music and some mental fortitude, they created a tank that fired cabbages at people. I think I'm right in saying. Wow, just from scrap? Yep, just from stuff that was in the garage with them that the people who had locked them up hadn't had the foresight to think would make a weapon.

I remember that sitcom that Tony Blair was in when he made a think tank from stuff that fired concepts. Lulu has mentioned Scarface. Lulu? Tony getting richer. Sorry. She's mentioned Tony getting richer.

That's often a trope in films, isn't it? The accumulation of wealth is done rather quickly. Oh, yeah. It tends to be hard work, though, doesn't it? You know, people studying and having to learn things which are things in real life yeah most people don't do those things that's where they stop but the montages met them look like perfectly doable yes and we have paul chapel uh mentions oceans 11 old casino failed robberies and always a vault heist reveal brilliant yeah good one yeah I

guess I end quickly with David Fitzgerald because I like him I've heard different shots of the kitchen table in Citizen Kane to convey the shifting tones in the marriage now that's not quite a montage David but I like it so I'm gonna I like it also we got table. I'll tell you that next week. What about that for a cliffhanger? Finally got a table. Listen, Sarah Champion is up next. So do listen to her.

And next week for Table Gate. So if the good Lord, thanks for listening today. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Be sensible.