The Frank Skinner Show - Best of 2020 - Part 1

Episode Date: December 26, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane as the team discuss the French onion soup on Saturday Kitchen, Elton John’s One World Together performance, meeting the Pope and Frank’s lockdown haircut.

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Speaking of Saturday Kitchen, by the way, are you aware, I didn't know this because I've only ever seen it, Mute. Oh yeah. They speak out loud. They do that.

Is that what you're going to say? I guess that. But Heaven and Hell is a thing on there. And you say the worst, your least favourite food. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. And then you say your most favourite. So I had to do that.

And my most favourite food is French onion soup. Lovely. That's your most favourite. I really like that. I did not know that about you, but that is... I did not know that about anyone, but that is... I did not know that about anyone. Yeah, I love it. And I mentioned Café Rouge, which they

were scornful of. Were they? I don't know why. But I also said it's... One of the things I like, it's the only soup that comes with a raft. Oh, nice. Anyway, so the idea is generally I think the audience make you eat the thing you ate most,

which for me was marzipan. Oh, yeah. So anyway, the audience kindly gave me heaven. Can I just say, great choices on both of us. French onion soup and marzipan, I agree with. Oh, can I just say, I don't. Don't like marzipan. You see,

oddly, the French onion soup would have been very much my hell. Oh, really? Oh, because you don't like onions, do you? Well, chives are the real enemy. Yeah. So did you, they let you have your heaven? Was it nice? So the main man made me a

French onion soup. Horrible. It was. It was. It was, yes. A difficult situation to be in, but I really didn't like it. What was horrible about it? Well, he put, is it chorizo? Is that what it's called?

Yeah. And also pork. He put those in there. Made it very salty and meaty. He's had an absolute nightmare, this guy. Meaty. He's not even named any ingredients. He mocked the rouge, but actually it wasn't in the same league as the rouge.

Really? I don't want meat in it. So he said, what do you think? And you know that thing when you taste at the end, which I think they should get rid of on cooking shows. How did you? Can't you just say, there it is, looks lovely. Anyway, next. But did you have to?

Al, I think we should reenact the moment. So imagine I go, there it is, it looks lovely. Anyway, next. But did you have to... Ow. I think we should reenact the moment. So imagine I give it... My guess is an honesty compulsion kicked in. This is what he did. So, Frank, have a taste of this. What do you think? I had a lovely time on this. I balanced it.

I said, well, I wouldn't have gone pork. That was what I said. You didn't. Yeah, but I didn't go... Right, which was your instinct. Yeah, I was so excited about a proper chef. And he's obviously

a brilliant chef. But I think it's that thing of making it a bit signature by putting meat in it. Yeah, yeah. Frank, I'm just wondering what world we're in. You think that they should be grateful that you didn't spit it out?

Brilliant. They said to me, you can be honest about the food. Yeah. Right. I wonder if they meant that. I don't think they did, for a second. Won't even bring it up. But I nearly did.

Anyway, I had a lovely time on there, but except for that... I can't wait to dig that up on the old iPlayer. Half I threw the onion soup, I was thinking, I'm trying the marzipan. Do you know what's going to happen, Frank? That's going to go viral. There's going to be one of those,

you'll never believe what this British guy did when he was offered French onion soup. I think I put on a pretty good act. I think if you watched it, apart from the port line, you'd think, oh, he loves it. Look at him. It's very hard to say, oh, no. I wouldn't want them saying, well, I saw you live recently.

I didn't think you were funny at all. That would be harsh, wouldn't it? Even if they thought it. Yes, but you did say, I wouldn't think you were funny at all. That would be harsh, wouldn't it? Even if they thought it. Yes, but you did say I wouldn't have gone pork. That's like, if someone came backstage and said to you, I wouldn't have ended with that joke though. Yeah, I'd still be, I mean, they'd be dead to me, that person.

Yeah. But I mean, what's pork even doing in a French onion soup? Yeah. Do you know what? He was showing off. Yeah. Well, you know what? He was showing off. Yeah. Well, you know what happens when you show off?

Think he was tired? Showing off because he was tired. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'd just like to say something. I am loving Brad Pitt's energy at the moment i want me some brad pitt energy he has good i'm anxious i'm anxious about the jennifer aniston stuff he decided to wear you know you're given these name tags on the table when you often come into these events and and he decided rather brilliantly, I think, to wear his name tag.

So it said, Brad Pitt, best supporting actor nominee once upon a time in Hollywood. Now, obviously, none of the others sported their name tags. It's like when, I don't know if you've met Madonna, but she introduces herself by saying, hi, I'm Madonna. And there's that weird thing of, Oh, well, I know. So, I mean, you must... Have you met people, Frank, where you've thought... Because you've met Elton John, and I can imagine it would be very strange if he said, Hi, I'm Elton.

No, he didn't. And when I saw... I recently went to an audience with the Pope. Did he say, Hi, I'm the Pope? When he came on stage, he didn't say, Hello, I'm the Pope. I'm sure he stage he didn't say, hello, I'm the Pope. I'm sure he didn't refer to it as stage either. I respected him for that because he backed himself.

He thought they'll know. I thought that was brilliant. I mean, forgive my question, but had there been a compere that said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Pope? No. There's no intro. He came in like a game show host through the back door. So that's confidence. That is real confidence.

No intro required. And I don't know about you, Al. When you go on, do you say, hello, I'm Alan Cochran? No. No. I want to see how it's going before I tell them who I am. Terry Wogan used to say to me when we worked together... Clang!

..that there was only a... You've got the hoover, Al. He said there's about... At any one time, there's only ever about five people in Britain who could walk into any room anywhere and they would be recognised. That's a great theory. And he said, I am one of them. Of himself.

Which was certainly true at the time. Brilliant. Yeah, there aren't that many. That is really good. How do you deal with introducing yourself and there doesn't need to be false modesty because Why start now? Exactly. with introducing yourself. And there doesn't need to be false modesty because, well...

Well, why start now? Yeah. Exactly, Hal. However, there must be situations where you're conscious that everyone knows who you are. So do you say, I'm Frank? Yes, I do. Do you?

Yes, because then I give them the chance to confirm that they knew that already. Yeah. Which makes me feel good that I've been both humble and it's been proved that I'm well known. So you've been humble and it's been proved that you're humble. It's great. It's a double win.

Yeah, it's, you know, it's a... Well, it's the humble... It does work. Can I say this failed once? I went... I still look back on this with some surprise at myself, but I went into a... There was a hospitality event at this football game

and I walked in and the guy on the door said, have you got your pass? And I reached into my pocket pretending and then took out my right hand with a pointed finger and just pointed at my face. I mean, it was outrageous. And he said, oh yeah, alright.

But really, it wasn't a good thing to do. You could have done both hands and drawn a box around your face. If you think I'm doing that and Brad Pitt is wearing a name badge, the world is upside down. It's a potentially high risk

strategy as well, Frank. Can I ask a question? I mean, Brad Pitt has just been nominated for the Best Supporting Actor. He, see, I thought he was fading away a bit. Was that wrong or is this a comeback? I think it's

a resurgence, is it? I think he's much loved, Pitt, isn't he? I'm just thinking, if he hadn't have had the nomination, would he have dared got a name badge that said on it Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, as if it was the beginning of explaining who he was? Yes. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Good morning, my lovely colleagues. Can I say, you are people who I love and respect. And I want you to remember that. You've changed. What's gone on? Yeah, well, I'm 63.

I'm planning. I'm planning. You've been watching a lot of the news. Don't say that. I'm planning. I spoke to David Baddiel on the phone and he said... Ringing all his friends. And he said to me, just to say goodbye,

and he said, apparently they're talking about stopping public gatherings of more than 500. I said, your tour will be safe. We've still got it. He laughed. He laughed. Oh, dear. So, yeah, these are strange.

I feel slightly like I'm reaching for the violin as Rome burns, but we have to carry on. During World War II, did we not write songs about Hitler? I didn't. But people did. They did. That's our role as the jester. I was at an event.

What? I know. What were you thinking? Grab him while you can. And I was queuing at a gentleman's convenience. Oh, yes. There was two parallel queues. There was females queuing for their thing.

It was a traditional. Sounds a bit old school. Yes, traditional separate toilet thing. It was a traditional. Sounds a bit old school. Yeah, traditional separate toilet thing. And so I was talking to a woman who was in the parallel queue. Oh yeah. And

I'm always at my most articulate in a toilet queue based on the theory that David Cameron had that if you really need a wee, it makes you a bit more dynamic in public speaking. It really does. It gives you that extra edge, need a wee, it makes you a bit more dynamic in public speaking. It really does. It gives you that extra edge, Frank. Yeah, so she said to me,

have you got any sort of dad jokes? She said, because I'm a school teacher and I tell jokes to the kids, you know, those sorts of jokes. And I should have said no. That's what I should have done. If you're a professional comic in that kind of context, you should say, no, I don't really know any of those jokes. But of course I thought, oh, I'll do it.

And by then this bloke had joined in. He'd go, oh, yeah, I'd like to hear your one. That was a free-for-all. And I thought, I've got an audience here. And they were all very articulate and dynamic. Yeah. So they all needed a week. And so I did that joke,

which I'm sure you've heard before, but I thought the children might not have. My children. And, well, I'll tell you the joke and then I'll give you

the post-joke analysis. Okay. I'm looking forward to that more. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, well, you'll know the joke. Interesting, Al, because that's the bit I'm dreading most. So, man goes into a pet shop and says, I'd like to buy a wasp, please.

And the pet shop owner says, what are you talking about? We don't sell wasps. And he says, well, there's one in the window. Now, I told that. I didn't laugh. I do quite like it. It got nothing.

In fact, your reaction was what it got from both these people. And then she said, oh. And then he said, and the bloke said, oh, that wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. And I thought, is this it for me? Is this where my career ends? In a portable toilet queue. And I felt it ruined my, I had a lovely, it ruined my whole,

ruined the night for me. I can barely imagine that. I woke up the next morning, it was the first thing that came to me. And then I thought, is this just a sell-by thing? When I thought about it, when's the last time I saw a wasp in a shop window? When's the last time, really, you bought any animals from a pet shop? Yeah, they don't really... They don't sell them in the pet shops these days.

They don't even have the smaller animals. They're not really allowed. You certainly don't have them in the pet shops these days. They don't even have the smaller animals. They're not really allowed. They certainly don't have them in the window these days. No. You can buy your dogs here, kept in a cage. It's finally come round to me that I'm too old for this job. But still, it's good that that's my main worry at the moment. Yeah.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio radio i don't know if you've done this deliberately but you've accidentally started in a texting about uh wasp jokes uh four five five as suggested i didn't even know it was a genre me neither but let's see what you think a customer walks into a pet shop and asks for a dozen bees the pet shop owner gives him 13. The customer queries why and the owner tells him it's a freebie. It's a freebie. See that would have gone down well with the children. It would have actually.

Matt here all week in Redditch. I think he might mean he's there all week. Perhaps he's isolating. I don't know. I haven't been to Redditch for a long time. Yesterday when I was young so many many haven't been to Redditch for a long time. Oh, yesterday when I was young. So many, many songs were waiting to be sung. Pat Greenway has been in touch.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank. My husband and I both laughed at your wasp joke, but we're in our 60s and remember Pet Shops. Oh, well, there you go. Blimey, I didn't realise it had dated so quickly. They're Pet Shop men, those two. See, when I first started doing comedy...

Respect, Frank. No, yes, good. When I... Very grudging. The grudging nature of that. Yes, very good. When I first started doing comedy, everyone used to talk about old age pensioners going on about the war.

Right. And now, of course, old age pensioners talk about Slade and stuff like that. So you've got to keep... Tis was in pet shops. You've got to keep updating. That's the facts. Eddie Rushworth says maybe it's time to let it be.

Be? Oh, that took me a while to get. Eddie. Here's the thing I did this week. What do you make of that? I can show you the photograph just to establish. It picks or it didn't happen. I'll tell you what, I'll show you the picture.

We can always put it up on the, you guys can do it, describe it. You can do what they used to call in the West Bromwich Albion programme, pen pictures which are pictures which are just verbal I'm going to show you a picture that I sent to my personal assistant and I'm going to see if you can get

What if it's down to earth relatable stories See if you can get to the bottom of that So it's a bottle of are we allowed to name the product? Yes, we are. A bottle of Fairy Liquid. Is it a particular flavour?

Is that...? No, I don't... Well, I don't know if it is. It's on a shopping board. I was in on my own. Yeah. Yeah. Kath was out for the day.

I sent this picture to my PA. I sent the... And the text said, is this washing up liquid? That's where we are now in my life. I couldn't see

anything on it that said it was washing up liquid. Does fairy liquid not advertise itself anymore? Clean and care. I mean that is very vague. Were you worried that fairy had perhaps started branching out into other areas? I thought it might be some sort of hand sanitiser thing, obviously,

which on the black market now I could get probably 200 quid for that. You know what? I'm going to let you have that one. Yeah. I think that's okay. In the same way, there are certain products like Daz, for example. Are they branched out, or is it just the washing powder? I'm going to send the picture to our... What will it go to?

We'll put it on Instagram. Instagram. I'm going to put it on Instagram. Can you believe it? And if anyone can tell me, tough on grease, gentle on hands, I mean, that could mean anything. I like how literal you are,

that you want it to say washing up liquid on it. Well, yeah, come on. In an ideal world, I think you'd be wearing a jumper that said jumper on it, and just a little label with jeans in the back. You know, I'm a big fan of the name badge with profession underneath. I think we should all wear one of those in the back. You know I'm a big fan of the name bad with profession underneath. I think we should all wear one of those all the time.

Have you sent it? Brace yourselves for that white hot social media content. Very liquid pictures. I just want the people to tell me how I'm supposed to know that's why she's not liquid. That's what I want. Before anyone can do it. Most people don't use Instagram for those reasons.

But why do they use it? Good question. Well, I like that you're using it for those reasons. And it's not a picture of you with a bottle of Cristal in the Marbella Beach Club saying, living my best life. I don't want any of that. This is why I love you.

I don't want any of that rubbish. Yes, I said love. Oh, Logan in London agrees with you. Fairy does make gels for washing machines too. I agree with you. Thank you, Logan. This did it. Thank you, Logan.

This will run and run. Oh. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hi, good morning, guys. Morning. Morning. I got in this morning and I thought I'd make myself a cup of tea. Lovely.

I'm a man of the people. Keeping it real. Yeah, and I was looking for my TARDIS mug. You know my TARDIS mug? Oh, yeah. The one where it fits more tea in than you'd expect. Exactly. And it has got the TARDIS on it.

Oh, I know. I've seen it, my friend. Yeah, so I couldn't see it in the box where we keep our things. And then I walked back into the studio and asked Faye, the assistant producer, I said, have you seen my TARDIS? And she said, yeah, I've put it there so you'd find it. I said, it wasn't there when I came in just two minutes ago.

She said, oh, OK. I said, how long has it been? She said, about half an hour. And I thought that was very good handling of the talent. When I said it wasn't there, she didn't say it was there. She went, oh, really? Wow. I get less and less of that as I go on. But it's a nice walk down memory lane.

I love it when I feel the hand of management. Yeah, exactly, the velvet rope. Yeah, so she wouldn't actually say, what are you talking about, you old fool? She wouldn't say that. But elegantly done. It was beautifully done, and I was moved by it. In an old showbiz.

What's nice is that she's through a glass screen as if she's a convict of some sort. And she's nodding and smiling as if to say... I can't actually see her from here. Maybe that's for the best. We did ask for that plastic stuff that Holly and Phil cuddled, hugged through. Did you see that?

They hugged through the barricades. We could have got that and all had a hug. Was that this week? Yes. They hugged through plastic. Yes. What happened to that show? Wowee. Honestly, tell us

what's happened to it. Every time I see a clip from it, it's the most bizarre. We all think, you know, that there's all this... Like, I'm slightly obsessed with... Do you know Watchmen? Do you know that show? I know about it. I've not watched it. I think it might be the best television programme I've ever seen. What is Watchmen?

Anyway, it's very, very strange and weird. And then I watch a clip of Holly and Phil and think, you know what, we've got our own people doing this kind of work. And they're doing it live. It is. I might watch an episode. Is there any normal stuff on it? What do you say, an episode, Frank?

Is it on casual? What season are you on? Yeah, exactly. That'd be great. Can you get the box set of this? The trouble is, I think it's only gone completely mad like the last couple of years. I think it used to be.

Don't tell me what happens in season five. No. Okay? Because I'm only up to season four. I think it used to be. It was odd, but this morning, it had a sort of Andy Warhol, nothing happened kind of thing to be. It was odd, but this morning it had a sort of Andy Warhol, nothing happened kind of thing to it.

And now I think they've got a bit of freedom there and they're experimenting. I respect them for that. They've become like some sort of artist's cooperative. Yes. Yeah, so I must... It's Andy Warhol's factory. Yeah, so I must... It's an Andy Warhol's factory. I must check it out, but it leaves me desolate

after watching just 10 or 12 minutes of it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What about when I worked there years ago? Did you? Yeah. Did you? My abiding memory is when I broke my little toe

and Philip Schofield said, oh, get my driver to take you to the hospital. That can be nasty. That's nice. That's lovely. But it was a penny farthing that was part of their avant-garde

approach to work and couldn't really get on there's only really one pedal. Phil just clung on to him like a backpack but yeah. There's only really one pedal. Phil just clung on to him like a backpack. But, yeah. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

What was I? Well, I wanted to raise the subject of who wants to be a millionaire, if that's all right. OK. You've got a bit of a nerve going on that, if you don't mind me saying. Max Skinner? You're old. I was starting it out into the public.

I couldn't believe it when I turned up. I mean, Frank, I would say, is this your third time? It's my first time on my own. Because you've done it with David Baddiel and Adrian Child before. Yes, exactly. I've tasted both success and failure. So what was the first amount you won with David? I've got to think it was 250, or am I incorrect? I think it was either 250.

I can't remember if we won 250 each or whether. I think we won 250 between us. Which is great. And I remember your final question, which was to do with the chrysanthemum and being Japanese. Isn't that weird? I remembered that. Yeah, and then me and Adrian Charles failed miserably.

I think got 1,000. It was on where the underground crypts are. Oh, wow, this is great work. And it was Paris. This time, let's put it this way, I got 16 grand. That's great Frank no I think

if I'd have phoned up the charity L'Arche they I could tell they had high well they told me they said we got high expectations

oh yeah and I tell you I could tell L'Arche is when I got came off was L'Arche there no no

but the the person on the show said We haven't, your car Sorry, your car's not coming for another 40 minutes So they obviously thought I'd be going big And I bombed But then I would say Isn't it better that you did that

Rather than risk the money, Frank? Because I believe you took the choice not to the money, Frank? Because I believe you took the choice not to. I know, but 16 grand. What's the point? Yeah. Well, be very careful

of saying that, please. No, but I'm on about a global charity. 16 grand to them is like a tiny... It's like a teardrop dropping into the Pacific. Can I tell you what my own...

She would be very happy with it. Don't get me wrong. If I found 16 grand in one of my old jackets, I'd be over the moon. Okay, can I tell you my observations of the show? Go on. Firstly, can you imagine how I felt

when he had phoned a friend? The relief when he phoned his good friend, Pierre, who he's touring with. Yes. I went and vomited on Pierre's behalf. How did that go? And he really played a blinder. Oh, really?

Oh, good. And you must have been relieved, Frank. That would have been awful of you to put it wrong. He's a clever boy. The trouble is, when you play for charity, you don't like to guess, that sort of thing. Because I would have guessed a couple of them. It was your own dime, as it were.

Can I say, which Frank can't comment on this, and I don't know what his view is, but I'm afraid in comparison, all I'll say is I was stumped on several of your questions. The others, I would have got through to the million. They were so easy. I'm sorry, the others had... Well, I mean, one of the reasons...

I mean, they may as well have had which monarch is on the current British currency. Is it like golf, that it was harder for you because you're so clever? I think it was. No, it's a how. 100%. Oh, God. You were playing off a handicap. That is correct. You were playing off a handicap, Frank, because you're clever. When I say I can't comment on this, it's not because I'm being diplomatic, it's because obviously I didn't watch the other two.

So I don't really know. Well, I did. OK. And can I say... I can't believe that that could possibly have happened. I think it's true. They do it on Celebrity Mastermind, of which I'm a massive fan. Sometimes the general knowledge questions,

they're harder for some contestants. Is it true you're doing Celebrity Mastermind on Frank Skinner's appearances on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Do you know that? I know them all. Yeah, it's a good job I'm not doing them on that. If they just ask me the questions again. Of course I went home on the train. That was the night, when I went home on the train,

that was the night of the guy going, your name's not down, you're not coming in. Not tonight, not tonight. So the whole thing turned into a spiralling nightmare, like the end of the Catch-22 movie. So yes, it was a desperate day. But can I tell you something? If you'd have got Martin McCutcheon's questions,

you'd have been on the million. Well, I've always thought that. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want first, Frank? I'll go... Well, you know, it's top load.

I'll go good news first. Can I give you the bad... Oh, no, you choose. I'm going to trust your sense of theatre. The good news is that you have been... ..sent a message proving you right. Well, that... I know it's the best news.

Yeah. Bad news, Harry and Meghan are not happy here. OK. They're going to leave the country. I don't know if you've missed this news cycle. Well, Meghan and Harry, or Megxit, I believe they're calling it. That's right. Very clever, that.

I bet the person who'd come up with that just couldn't. The trouble is, nowadays, if you come up with a joke like that in the old days, you'd just go and do it proudly. Now you'd go on the internet to see if any... And all those pond jokes, ten other people have come up with them. Yeah.

So it's a... I hate the internet for that. It's a bit like on the 1st of January when you realised that it was 2020 and you thought, oh, I've got a vision for 2020. And then everyone's done 2020 vision. I think I did one myself. I'm desperately ashamed to say.

I think I used to do a joke about how rather than 2020 vision, I had 1812 vision and that I was making overtures at people. Oh, that is, I love that. It's a little bit more elegant, isn't it? That's an excellent joke. Thanks, Frank. Thanks. Anyway, back to the news. The news cycle.

Madam Two Swords, they were quick. They were always quick off the mark. That was a really clever bit of, yeah, publicity. They went straight in. But I want to know how that happened, the meeting, as well. Have they been melted down? They didn't get melted down, Frank. They got taken out of the official royal line-up.

Wow. Moved elsewhere. Yesterday. Put in with American celebrities now. They're actually in the foyer greeting people now. No, the real ones. Now that'll be a couple of years. Yeah.

Is there a case, though? This week, I put Buzz to bed, my seven-year-old, and he was back to school the next morning. And he got a bit teary and said, can't we just stay on holiday forever? Yeah. And they have just had a six-week holiday in Canada. And I wonder if they'll just come back.

You know when you think, why don't we get, we could move here? I'm mooting this exact, yeah, this is it. This is what's happened. It's so tempting, that, and it lasts. They had a local beer or a sangria, and they've let it go to their head, and thought we could do this forever. We could get a place here.

Yeah. Oh, I feel, the trouble is with that, is usually that goes away in a week or two and you calm down, but they've committed so publicly to it now. Yeah. They might be stuck with it. And why you would want to leave a family like that, lovely uncles, I don't know.

I also thought maybe there's an uncle in the family thinking, I wish you'd announced this six weeks ago. You'd have taken some of the heat off me. He can't believe it's not. There he is. I think there might be an uncle in the family thinking, I don't mind being the patron of the Royal Society for the Protection. I've got some spare time on my hands.

Do you think the response when he asks that is, no, you're all right? Yeah. I felt sorry for Harry when they said, they reported, it is reported that the Queen telephoned Prince Harry direct, immediately after the announcement. Can you imagine that call? Well, I've heard that she, he picked up the phone

and she sang the whole of Billy Oceans, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, in a sort of shrill, accusative voice. So I don't envy him that. The poor queen, I mean, you know. I've never heard that, the poor queen. And other things no one has ever said. I like that these strange jobs come out, though.

Like they said, well, you hear these correspondents talking in this way, using these weird archaic... They said, well, obviously, the finances will all be down to the keeper of the privy purse. Keeper of the privy? Chaucer's Britain? Yeah, and the sovereign grant. The money that they receive from the sovereign grant. I thought Russell Grant had been promoted into it.

Can you get me some money out of the Sovereign Grant? I just need to pay the Miltman. I think what they should do is get the money that we are going to save as taxpayers by not having to pay Meghan and Harry at the Sovereign Grant. The royal family should put it on the side of a double-decker bus and say it can go to the NHS. That's very popular.

They're streamlining it, apparently, and there was a succession photo, wasn't there? And there are reports that the succession photo didn't go down well because it's just the four, isn't it? It's Queen, Charles, William and George, your favourite, Frank. Yes. I think Harry's sixth in line.

I believe so. And I think it was seen as, this is Charles's idea, the streamlined royal family. And streamlining will cause problems. Well, look, I think they could solve the whole thing by saying, OK, well, good luck with it all. The Duke of Edinburgh's offered to drive you to the airport.

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I woke up at... Well, this is where it gets complicated. I woke up in order... I'll be straight with you, to go to the toilet in the night. Sounds like 24 hours in police custody. No shame in it. No comment.

No shame. No shame. You know, I'd had a drink. Yeah. No shame, innit? No comment. No shame. No shame. You know, I'd had a drink. Yeah. Okay, it was water. And then, so what I always do, I don't know if you do this, maybe you guys don't get up in the night at your age, but when I get, I always, like, tap the old iPhone,

see what time I got up. So I did that, nothing. Because you keep a journal, don't you? Yeah, exactly. Oh, exactly. That's the sort of thing I'd put in my journal. Is it? So I tapped it that, nothing. Because you keep a journal, don't you? Yeah, exactly. Oh, exactly, that's the sort of thing I'd put in my journal. Is it? So I tapped it again, nothing. And it had utterly and completely died in the night.

Oh. Sorry, are we still talking about the phone? Yeah. Oh, good. I just feel somewhat relieved. Yeah, but no, that died many. Anyway, so I'm then...'m then on the young people's faces i think it was the ancient mariner who said alone alone all alone alone on an open sea

can i just say i never thought the glittering eye sounded bad i loved his glittering eye back over to you Frank in the studio well so then I'm in a situation my family are not there by the way so I'm in on my own and I don't that's my alarm and I've got a radio show the next morning so I thought there must be another alarm

so then I thought there's that little plastic alarm clock I haven't used for years. And do you know when a battery gets that white stuff on it where it's been left? So that was like, as I opened it, it was like, just like powder and dust. So then I'm thinking, well, how am I going to get up for the radio show? And I thought, I'll just have to stay up all night. Yeah. And then...

I thought... Can I tell you what I would have done? Go on, what would you have done? I think I would have hired maybe some sort of worker to just spend the night with me. I'm not saying anything would have happened. Oh, that sounds... How would I have done that?

I'd have gone out on the street, like the old days, and procured someone in that way. That would have been... Perhaps an underground toilet in Shepherd's Bush. Yeah, exactly, and said, excuse me. I just want to use you as my alarm clock. Yeah, will you get me up in the morning? Um, no.

I mean, I was stuck. So in the end, I remembered I've got an old sort of Wi-Fi thing. Not Wi-Fi, Hi-Fi. Oh, yeah. And I thought, I wonder if it's got an alarm on it. So I went and had a look. Good show. And it had, but this was in a different room.

You know all those sort of equipment, they've got about 900 wires. So I had to carry the whole thing like I was carrying a basket of... And into the room, and then work out how to set the alarm. Yeah. And then I couldn't work out how to find a radio station. So I woke up, I say I woke up. I basically stayed awake anyway because I wasn't confident this would work.

But anyway, it did. I was woken by... Luckily, it was someone percolating some coffee. No, it wasn't. So, it's been a terrible night. Did the phone ever come back on at any point? No, the phone.

How did this happen? I watched the first episode of The Romans just before I went to sleep. On a phone? Yeah, I watched it. I've got Britbox. I was watching The First Doctor. Okay. And it was fine.

I think one of the young ones can sort this out this morning. What do you do, though? What do I do? I go to the Apple shop or something? Look. Look at it. Yeah, have you tried... Stop doing that.

Well, leave it with the young ones to sort out. I'm sure they will. There might be a problem. They all look so scared by this story. Honestly, it's like... We've got anxiety about separation. To them, this is like reading Kafka. Yeah.

It's as if I've been arrested in Eastern Europe to their minds. Look at their faces. No phone, you say? Yeah, I'm sorry this has turned out to be a sort of a horror tale. I think they were more horrified by the sound of the high five. Yeah, maybe. I have a saying, which is, if things get bad for me, if any aspect, I always think, oh, well, at least I haven't lost

my phone. That's like my thing. And I haven't lost it, but it is lost, if you know what I mean. Yeah. It's a coma. It's in a coma. You just need a reboot. If I play a bit of Cliff Richard, I read somewhere that is the music most played to people in comas. Oh, really? Is that right?

Yeah, then they wake up absolutely outraged. Wired for sound. Very appropriate. Yeah. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. It's lovely to be here, guys,

in a grown-up world. I've been homeschooling all this week. Oh, man. How's it going? Oh, badly. Me and Buzz have had times when we've just been screaming at each other. This is me and my seven-year-old.

Sorry to laugh. I mean, honestly, screaming. He wrote a prayer. He had to write a prayer to Catholic school. He had to write a prayer called the Rainbow Prayer. And obviously the idea, it was about the nhs and frontline workers you know and all that stuff and uh i read it it's a beautiful thing but the the the main body of it is asking god to help us to get through the homeschooling

it gets billing above the coronavirus which um which was a bit um a bit hard to take. The other day I've been hearing myself say things when I've thought, oh, come on, Frank, you're better than that. Because he said, Louise never raises her voice. She never shouts at us in class. I said, well, let's try asking Louise to do a stand-up comedy tour at short notice and see what her stress levels are like on that one.

And I thought, why are you saying that to a seven year old child? Also, it's unlikely that she would agree to that, I think. No, but if she had to, as I have to do this, no one asked me. I've just ended up... You know, I left the teaching profession

um so many years ago I completely sympathize because I imagine you know it must be quite hard going suddenly having to turn teacher especially to family members exactly however so can I just give a brief little insight you You know that thing they say, never ever teach your partner to drive? And that is, it's because if teaching, there's a gap caused by sort of strangerdom, which is part suspicion and fear, but it manifests itself as respect. And with a close family unit, you don't get respect, obviously. So if you get angry, it just pours out and that's the problem sorry emily this is all true however i would just remind you that you do have form for um i think

andrew lloyd weber and various others of offering notes helpful notes sometimes yes um and it doesn't always go that well does it look I'm not saying I'm good at it. That's the point. I've just been, they've just said to me, right, I mean, you're teaching now, by the way. You've got like a week to think about it. And then we'll be sending stuff and you'll be, you'll be the captain of the ship.

Oh, man, it's, I've got to tell you. And then we got, you you know I'm not complaining there's people much worse off than me but then when you know everything is done on sitting in my linen basket

trying to do tech things like we've just had our sound check for this show and then like Emily's voice suddenly went weird and it was

and I thought I'm going to start doing that thing that DJs used to do when they had phone-ins. They'd start going, have you got your radio on? Have you still got your radio on? I was going to start doing that. I'm on the edge. That's where I am. Right on the edge. Anyway, how are you guys handling it?

Well, if I may say so, one of the mistakes that you're making is attempting to teach them. It really takes a lot of the pressure off if you just don't try. Well, I know. I noticed that with a lot of the teachers at my school. Yes. There are people, but you know people who homeschool by choice, and there may be people

listening, and God bless you, but I've always thought they were troubled souls. Yeah. Who actually chose to homeschool their children. Like, you know, they're laughing now. We stay here. We don't want the outside world coming in, lad. You gather round me.

Yeah. And now I'm that bloke. I've become that bloke against my will. Homeschoolers and doomsday preppers are the people really laughing at the rest of us right now. Yeah. But I've learnt that they don't have much else to laugh about in their terrible life.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you guys watch One World Together at Home last weekend? Well, I did catch a few moments. Oh, it was... Obviously, it was for a good cause, etc. But... What cause was it? You know, the front line.

The front line. But it was a lot of singers. It was a communal sing-along, wasn't it? It was mainly singers from their own homes. So you got a chance. It was a bit Judge's Houses. Yes. Except it really was a bit judges' houses. Yes. Except it really was their houses, I think.

I mean, J-Lo seemed to be... You know, when you go... Have you ever been to one of those sort of winter wonderland places? Yes. She seems to live in one. It was all like... Does she? It was a big piece of sort of countryside

with fairy lights in the trees and stuff. Yeah, I'm not as big a fan of fairy light as most of the modern world, I don't think. Kat's a big fan of the fairy light. I like them at Christmas. You know, I don't have turkeys in April. And I don't have fairy lights. But she did her song. She did, I think she did, did she do people meeting people?

I'll tell you what she did. She did people who need people wearing Eliza Minnelli sweatshirt, thereby reminding us of what it could have sounded like. I thought it was Michael Jackson on the T-shirt. Yeah, but don't wear the sweatshirt featuring the person who did the original. No, exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. Anyway, the thing, the main thing for me, there were many things to discuss on One World Together. Did you see Sir Elton John? I did not see that. I'm guessing he has a nice home. Well, we don't know. He was in his garden with a piano,

which I assume was taken out there. He's got an outdoor piano. He's got an outdoor piano out in John. But he sang, I thought, slightly inappropriately, I'm Still Standing. Right. And I thought, yeah, don't crow about it. Show off.

Yeah. Also, while sitting. Didn't do it at Diana's funeral. And then he did a, did you hear it? Because he's sort of going, it's a song I really like, mainly the gorilla version from Kiss. But he's sort of going, all that stuff that he does. from Kiss, but he said all that stuff

that he does and then he went I'm too tanned in I'm too tanned in and I thought you're right my dad used to say this thing if anyone's felt it, he'd say I've got a bit of a short

tongue and that's what I thought and I thought, did I hear that right? And then when it came round again, I'm tilt-handed. I'm tilt-handed. You're right, Elton. I'm absolutely fine, thank you very much.

What was that about? He didn't used to sing it like that. It did get very sort of Vic Reeves pub singer. Did it? I think it was, yeah. I mean, you know, respect to him. I mean, he's tilt-handing. But he's not talking.

I've really now fully embraced lockdown and all its manifestations, I must say. This week I had my first lockdown haircut. Excellent. Which was, I sent off for some hair clippers. Oh, you were concerned last week that they weren't charging, if I remember right. Oh, yes. Well, what a fool I was. Because what I found out was as soon as I pulled out the charging plug,

they worked. But they wouldn't let me start with the charger in. Who knew? Oh, they've got a safety system like a lawnmower. Yeah, you can't start with the charger in. This isn't my area, boys. I think King Arthur's stable, boy. I'll write that once.

Yeah. Yes. Well, I'm glad it's not your area. Let's keep your area out of this as far as clippers are concerned. There are no clippers involved, yeah. No. So the first touch of the hair clippers to their hair is really quite a moment because obviously if you take out like a square inch because i had

them right down to three i thought if i'm gonna cut yeah i wanted some scalp skinhead escapes exactly so um you're quite you're quite full on aren't you like when you i remember you saying before that when you get cash out of the machine you go the full 200 you always fill the car up to the top. Always. And it seems to carry on. If you're going to shave your head, you're going right down to the wood. Wow, what have you heard about the electricity bill? I just think it's funny.

So I tried drawing a line around my head in chalk. Please tell me you're joking. I am not joking, I swear that's true. My plan was to do that and say to my seven Please tell me you're joking. I am not joking. I swear that's true. And saying to... My plan was to do that and saying to my seven-year-old, remove everything below that line. Sort of deforestation approach. And then I realised that because of...

I forgot I'd gone grey some years ago and the chalk just didn't show up. So I took off a slice at the side. This is the moment. This is the jump off the cliff moment. You know this, Al, when you step on stage and you think, here goes, new material. I'm going to do it.

Well, this was that feeling. And so I went right up one side and then I just gave the clippers to my seven year old. And I do remember somebody suggested, is Frank going to get a buzz cut? Do you remember that? Yes. My son is called Buzz, by the way, if you're new to the show. And so, yeah, he did it. And I'm going to put some pictures up. I think it looks... One, I spoke to a friend on Zoom, and he said,

is that you, Frank? I thought it was Brother Cadful. Which, apart from that, obviously I haven't seen anyone really to comment on it. What does Kath think of it? Kath thinks it's a bit... She says, I like that thing that barbers do when they sort of grade it in

gradually but you know it's made me think I might never I might never go to the barbers again I might just Did you say I like that thing that barbers do apply expertise because that helps as well

But I think I'm going to learn several I also I don't want to make anyone feel sick on a saturday morning i also got a uh an electric foot scraper too late which has a stone something like white diamond stone and it's this revolving thing and you just um you know you just go after the hard skin with it. You've taken a bit off each end of you. You must be like an oblong not an oblong

like a rugby ball It's like when you're preparing fruit. I've just top and tailed it I think it's fair to say that the tabloids aren't as full of funny stories as they used to be. I feel somewhat sorry for paparazzi who now can only photograph people when they're jogging. That's really all they've got now. I don't know if he's ever said that.

You need a really long red carpet if the paparazzi have got to stay two metres apart from each other. But celebrities used to do other things except for coming out of their house to jog. long red carpet if the paparazzi have got to stay two meters apart from each other but celebrities used to do other things except for coming out of their house to jog and now that's the only thing they've got the masks on now as well surely they've still got the scope for reality stars in scanty underwear uh empty in the bins that that is a light motif in the tabloids I've seen many a time. Well, what about the reality stars that, you know, when they set up their own pictures and then say, oh, no, I've been caught,

and actually they arranged for the photographs to be taken. Those ones are in trouble as well. You've got to feel for them. I must have told you that I was a well-known red top, got in touch with me, this was in my glory days, and said, we'll pay for you and your girlfriend to go to the Caribbean for a seven-day beach holiday, but you'll have to let us photograph you on the beach

and look like you don't know about it, and if you do that, we'll cover the costs. So it's a handy I didn't do it I mean god I haven't sunk that low no she was furious looking about this is a different girlfriend absolutely furious that I was in the mouth now Kath wouldn't have gone doesn't like planes doesn't like sunshine doesn't like publicity like me. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, can we lose that last? Oh, we can't. Well, we can, but we're not going to. Sorry, Al, I jumped in. I have a non-celebrity jogging news story to bring to your attention. A pensioner turned down the offer of a Van Gogh painting, not knowing. Oh, yes. I'm not saying Van Gogh.

I think that is how people say it. Obviously, for many years I said Van Gogh. I think Americans say Van Gogh, don't they? I think they do. It's not a Descartes moment, though. No, no, it's fine. I have had that. But, yeah, they were asked what they wanted from a Staffordshire farmhouse

before it went up for sale. She knew the person and asked for this dirty, uncared for looking picture. She says in the thing, it looked old, very dirty and uncared for, which coincidentally is exactly my lockdown vibe. That's how I'm looking right now. Oh, and my next autobiography actually Al thanks for that title she was persuaded it wasn't worth having

it would be my Twitter handle if I had it and instead she took a brass handbell which is now worth a pound and later found out that it was sold for an estimated 12 to to £13 million. Yes, there's so many things in this. For a start off, when it said, the headline says something like pensioner turns down £13 million Van Gogh painting for £1 handbell.

Does that mean that she actually got the handbell valued? What kind of a predatory opportunist is this old girl? Also, I would say, at the end of the day, it was never yours. It was never,

there's no obligation that it should have been yours, and I think the headline probably should have been Woman in Same Room, as Van Gogh painted. Because this is not something that was taken away in some way. It's something she saw. Dropping some brutal truths to gay here. I mean, I've seen the Mona Lisa.

I don't have any sense of ownership whatsoever. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I liked the first episode of Queer's, but I do think, are ITV now going to start making a lot more dramas about ITV?

Because they did Clla and all that, which is essentially an ITV thing. Are we going to see Red or Black, the movie? The disaster movie. What about Michael Sheen would be quite a good aunt. Yes. To you. Michael Sheen would be quite a good anyone.

Yeah, but he's got a bit of the aunt already in him. I mean, they could build him a forehead. They could extend that. I mean, how far will ITV take it? Are they going to do Man O' Man, the movie? Well, they've already got a Tarrant. He was in that, wasn't he, Tarrant? Imagine when Michael, yeah.

Did you ever see Man O' Man? I loved Man O' Man. I think it's a tragedy that it's not on anymore. I mean tragedy, that's probably stretching it. It's probably on BritBox. But, you know, pushing them in the pool when they don't like them, it doesn't get better than that. It was great.

Do you remember Hole in the Wall? Do I remember it? They asked me to host that. Did they? I said no, and they got Anton de Beek. Anton de Beek. Yeah, we're up for the same things a lot. Me and Anton.

The good thing about it, if they did say one of their biggest, if they did Britain's Got Talent or something like that, the drama, the irony is what you'd need is someone who looked like Simon Cowell to play Simon Cowell. And that would rule out Simon Cowell. Oh, life can be cruel, can't it? I'd say it would be a dick.

Now I come to casting Ant, say it would be a dick. Now I come to... Casting Ant, I think, would be quite easy. Deck. Deck's a harder cast, isn't he? I don't know what... I don't know what Deck looks like, if you know what I mean. I think you only recognise Deck in relation to Ant. If I saw Deck out on his own, I don't think I'd spot him.

If I saw Ant on his own, I would. That's like me and my dog, Ray. I think people only would ever know who I was via my dog. Or Frank Skinner. Well, I think there is... Often you get a member of a double act, which is a bit... It was a sort of a bland, almost like a control in the experiment.

Yes. So, Mike Winters to Bernie Winters, Ernie Wise to Eric Morecambe. I think me to David Baddiel to a certain extent. Are you the control? Yeah, I'm the sort of wash. You know that wash you put on at school? You used to put a light wash on the painting before you start putting in the actual figures and stuff.

I was David Baddiel's backdrop. What do you think? I think you're probably one of the exceptions to that rule. I'm not having that. No, I mean bland in appearance. Yes, I know. Obviously. Don't be so hard on yourself.

My wit was dazzling. I'm not asking for that. Do you know what they had in quiz? And it was something i thought it was brilliant i loved it and the script was fantastic and there were brilliant people in it but there was something you know how you have that thing about thrillers frank with there's a torch outside the room and you actually have a you can't bear to watch it i have that with any foreshadowing. So any time there's a sort of Cassandra moment, a nod to the future, a sort of humorous nod to the future.

So, you know, like in the Beatles films where... The Beatles? What kind of a name is that? And then you cut to Shea Stadium with, you know, Screaming Girls. I can't bear things like that. Shut up, Leonardo. Next you'll be telling me that silver birds will fly in the sky. stadium with you know screaming girls shut up Leonardo next you'll be telling me that silver birds will fly in the sky yeah I

do hate that the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio yeah I was talking about John Bishop's week of hell which was a thing that happened I think on Sport Relief maybe five years ago and I've got so much so much hell which was a thing that happened i think on sport relief maybe five years ago something like that and i've got so much um so much merch from me some of it just says bishop's week of hell and

i try to sell it off as as a religious um thing yeah was that thomas a sort of a dark night of the soul i got this i got this when i took part in St John of the Cross's sport relief thing. Well, I tell you, Frank murder in the cathedral, that was a bad week. Yeah. Wasn't it? But it made me think about, I don't even wear, I don't wear anything that's got me on. Over the years, I've been sent T-shirts with me on.

Yeah. And I can't walk around with... I mean, there was one tour. Every tour I did, I would have a conversation with my management where they'd say, are we going to do merchandise? And I always said, look, the people who like me are not very merchandising people. And one year...

Why do you say that, Frank? Because I just said that they could be bothered when they could be spending that on drink. Know your crowd. Yeah, they've come to see me. They've paid for a ticket. I don't expect them to get, you know, a bottle opener with me on. Anyway, one year we were offered such a good deal

by this merchandise company that I agreed to it. And I still have a large box of that merchandise, including a sort of a slightly space-age, high-fashion tunic with my name on. When you say high fashion, when you say high fashion, Frank. When I say high fashion, it's the sort of thing that if you had a sci-fi, if you're watching a sci-fi show, the main people wouldn't wear it. When they spoke to members of the crew, they'd be having it.

It's had that sort of black nylon-y, zippy type feel to it. You've got Frank Skinner merch at home. Yeah, well, we had to do something with it at the end of the tour. Any and all Excel. The man who actually owned the merchandise company, I bombed into in the street and he said, you know, I've got like 500 of those mugs that we had made with one of your disgusting jokes on it.

So I said, I said to everyone, micro don't buy merchandise. But anyway, I've got it, but I can't wear it. You know, I wear John Bishop's merchandise. It's a push, but I can't wear my own. If anyone owns any Frank Skinner merchandise, please let us know, by the way. I'd love to know if there's any still out there. Official, please.

Official, yeah. When you wear a John Bishop running kit, do you have to move diagonally or...? Oh, very fine. Thank you. Very fine. Thank you. Very fine. I remember because you came over a bit funny, Frank, when you saw John Bishop in a towel.

Do you remember? Did you? In the hotel room. I remember you saying he was like a Norse god. He was. He's more a gapi that you have. Yeah. No, it wasn't so much.

It was much more physical just primal lust yeah he's he he did he looked very uh chiseled all over the place you know i think he works out yeah no he did and he'd been in he was in the middle of a week of hell so uh he looked he looked pretty good uh anyway you know i love a bit of free merch, especially if it's coming from a major charity. That makes it a bit sweeter to the wearing. Let's put it that way. Gives it a little frisson of naughtiness. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I went along to the English College in Rome with Boz to pick up our tickets for the audience with the Pope. And got a bit of a tour. Of the college? Yeah. It's a nice, interesting place.

It's like a seminary, you know, so a priest's train there. Yeah. And there's a gallery in the opera, sort of like a minstrel's gallery with paintings on the wall. And he said, oh, he said to, he said, are you all right with the gory paintings? And they're paintings of the English martyrs literally being, like, disembelled and stuff.

I mean, absolutely aide de mémoire. What we had to I mean, absolutely aide de mémoire. What we had to put up with, aide de mémoire. It was really, whoa! Anyway, we got our tickets, and the next day set off to the Vatican. And you led into this, in cold weather, it all happens in a big room, like a big gig. So I guess it holds probably

thousand no maybe less than that say 600 people and um i noticed when we was going through the metal detector airport security thing to get in yeah that everyone seemed to have a green ticket and we had white tickets and i thought you know you know, long experience of being in the VIP area. I thought, hmm. So I went up to one of these guys and showed him my ticket. And he went, ah, and took me in. Me and Buzz ended up in the front row. Wow.

Which was exciting. I like that that's signified by the white ticket. Because that's the closer you get to the Pope's sartorial colour of choice. I mean, if you get the red ticket for the old Pope's shoes, that's it. Can I point out, as a sidebar to this conversation, I was named as one of the Catholics of today in the Catholic Herald. Pull- out supplement. When was this?

Okay. When? Very recently, end of the year. Oh, God, I was pleased. Do you feel like it's too short a time frame to be called Catholics of today?

Like it immediately falls the day after. I think I hope it was today in the broadest sense. I don't think they bring one out daily. I love that he's happy about that. This is a Royal Variety performance. I wasn't trying to belittle it.

I was just... I was out. So the front row, you got the white ticket. Oh, sorry, it didn't include Adrian Childs, which, I mean, was an extra bonus. So I went forward with the white ticket and we were there in the front row and overcomes... The Pope goes and we were there in the front row, and over comes...

The Pope goes from person to person at the front and comes over to us. No. Shakes hands with Buzz and then starts chatting away to him in Italian, Buzz looking completely bemused. I don't know if Buzz looks Italian. He's ginger. Right. Is this your... Can I ask? Is this your first meeting with this Pope?

It's my first actual, I mean, you know, I shook his hand and we smiled at each other. It's the first time I've ever done that with a Pope. Excellent. I know it may sound strange to you guys, but you should have seen the entrance. When he, they had an umpire band there that had come off, you know.

they had an umpire band there that had come off. And he'd come in at the back and they were all playing and he'd come down the aisle shaking hands like a game show host. Brilliant. Down the centre and this band... And he's there kissing babies. And there's a thing that they do. You know the little white hat he wears? People take their own little white hat and give

it to the Pope and he takes his off. He puts theirs on for a second and then he puts his back on and gives them. You see, he seems quite amenable then, but also what was this about the lady? Oh, when he slapped her hand. She did yank on him though. Did you see that? She nearly pulled

him over. Yeah, I didn't like her. Okay. I've had that a few times. This might be breaking news, but I side with the Pope on that one. This is a special moment for us all. No, you can't pull out people in their 80s. Well, I was thinking when this

happened to me, I thought, if I talk about this on the radio, how do I explain to Al how excited I was thinking when this happened to me, I thought, if I talk about this on the radio, how do I explain to Al how excited I was? And it's a bit like if an atheist met former GMTV presenter Fiona Phillips, who is a self-confessed atheist. Is she? Yeah, yeah. If you imagine that. I can imagine.

Imagine the post-Phillips euphoria. Yeah. Dizzy. It was brilliant. I'll tell you what was great, though, I can imagine. Imagine the post-Phillips euphoria. Yeah. Dizzy. That's what... It was brilliant. I'll tell you what was great, though, is we did the handshake and it's all lovely. He's got a brilliant smile.

You feel more... You know, he blessed a couple of medals for us. And then you turn around, your chair's gone. Is that right? Yeah. That's you, Don. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Brilliant. Great. Brilliant. But it was pretty right? Yeah. Brilliant. Right, brilliant. But it was pretty brilliant, I must say. Is that what happens here with the chair? When it's time for you to move on? Yes. You turn around, studio, your chair's gone.

At Absolute. Yeah, Absolute Radio. But what about people like Bush, who stands up for his show? Oh, yeah. And he's still here. What about if I came back from the bathroom my chair would go

you'd know I mean how would you tell Bush he'd been sacked what I would have is I'd have a tub of hot wax in the corner as a metaphor

the best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio