The Frank Skinner Show - Best of 2020 - Part 2

Episode Date: January 2, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane as the team discuss the ingredients in sweet and sour sauce, obscure claims to fame and Frank’s new favourite phrase... oh and Frank’s finally had a haircut!

It was my partner's birthday at the weekend I won't say how old she was but it was a big one it was one of the big I'll go on I'll say it she was 18 and no she wasn't

she wasn't can I ask you a question if I said she was 94 would that be better or worse than she was 18? The producer's nodding as if better, I think. Better, 94 would be better. Much better. Isn't that strange how we balance it?

Caught in death is more acceptable than caught in life. But, no, she's a bit older than that. I'll be straight with you. But I bought her Apple Music. Now, I don't know if you know. It's a streaming service. I'm a fan myself. Yes, well, I was at the Brits one year

and there was a three-month trial thing and I thought I'd give it a go Don't say you gave her that No Unfortunately that had gone I wish I had as you will see You're still here so clearly not So I found it life changing Did you?

And she loves music you know not many people love music more than my partner so I thought this is the dream gift so

I got family Apple Music me Buzz and Cathal oh yeah lovely so

I sent you send that like email saying you know you have Apple Music congratulations

is pushing it something like that they send them I didn't word it I didn't write the emails you know, you have Apple Music. Congratulations is pushing it. Something like that. They send them. I didn't word it. I didn't write the emails. But anyway, I got a call from Kath as soon as I realised the emails had gone out. And it was as close as she has ever said to me,

what is the meaning of this? She said, what is this? What's this? And I said, I know it's a bit early, but she said, no, but what is it? I said, I bought you Apple Mute. She said, I don't want it. I've told you I don't want it.

I don't want any more complications in my life oh i see i said no but you just press like a list comes up you just i don't want it i don't want all that i don't know i told you i feel the same way so i'm a bit scared of that sort of thing yeah but it's a very passive terrifies me you go on and search and you might put in... Well, what have I put in recently? George Jones. Because I've been watching the Ken Burns country music documentary series, which I must say, even if you don't like country music, it's amazing.

If you do, it's through the roof. Anyway, do you know Ken Burns? No, but thanks for the tip. That's it. You put the name in, ten albums come up, you just listen to music. But she won't use it. She's told me she will not use it.

I've paid for it now. So that's that. I mean, ways of of upsetting we was watching a programme about the history of the nude on BBC art coverage oh here we go and they had some Kranach paintings of Adam and Eve

and I felt a slight tension in the room with the apple preferences honestly I could feel an atmosphere. So, of gifts I've bought, which I thought, this is perfect, that I've got,

I can't think of a greater gap between the anticipation and the result. Oh. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. What's that? I spoke this morning with the German Chancellor here.

I wish that had been you and us. It wasn't. It was too bad. I want to discuss Thomas Cruise the fourth I believe he is citing I think he's got another name isn't he? I know what it is

Cruise is his middle name isn't it? Sir can I tell you the name? Having had a crush for some time Maypother No that's wrong I don't like Maypother Maypother It's, that's wrong. May. I don't like May Pother. May Pother.

May Pother. It's an Irish name, I believe. Is it? He's Irish. That's Irish. May Pother. I don't like the way it falls away at the end. It starts with May, it's a right bang, and then... It's a bit like the way Tom's gone, film-wise.

Oh, how dare you. It's spelt Mapother, but it's pronounced Maypatha. Well? He's been in the UK. He's been shooting Mission Impossible 7. 7 and 8. Oh, funny. Is he really?

He's shooting 7 and... Is he honestly? Maybe it's about time they admitted that that mission is actually impossible. Very possible. Yeah. Well, just give up on it. It's took eight films. I mean, that's a mission. They could have

been doing other missions in other films. I like the fact that he's bringing a comedian's double-up approach to making films. I know. Back in the days when we had live comedy, a comic could do two gigs on a Saturday night. Well, I used to do five. I've done five, but you know, you can't do five films simultaneously. You probably could do two gigs on a Saturday night. Well, I used to do five. I've done five. But, you know, you can't do five films simultaneously, surely.

You probably could, the house films. Yeah, they're mainly running about. Just shoot the exploding cars from different angles times the odd license plate. Sort the old black polo neck so you don't get the marks. The one and eight. See, that shocks me. I thought Tom, Tommy.

That was the thing when I grew up, that people called Tom would be called Tommy. Should we call him Tommy? If you like. No, Tommy they'd call him. Tommy. Oh, Tommy. There was a bloke called,

he was called Tom Jones, I remember. And they used to call him Tommy Dunes. I remember a mate of mine said, I said, Duh, Tommy Dunes. I remember a mate of mine said, I said, dear Tommy Dunes. Dan Albright. Anyway, Tom, I'm surprised he's doing a seven and eight of anything. He wouldn't have done that in the old days, would he? Well.

No, nothing's got that far. I think it's fairly lucrative, that franchise. Yeah. Do you know how old he is? You two? Any ideas? Shall we do our little guess? To you first.

I'm going to go to you, Alan Cochran. Okay. My guess is somewhere between 50 and 85. I think he's a confusing one. Well, that's a bit silly, Billy. I think he's younger than me. 58. Correct, absolutely.

Really? That needs a jingle. I've just got real flashbacks to school where I say something silly and then a SWAT pipes up with the perfect answer and now I feel double silly. Sorry, I feel very Hermione Granger. You know what I like?

That was so... You guessed that Tom Cruise was 58 and then we played The Boys Are Back In Town. Well, he was back... The most macho thing ever. He was back in town. Can I ask you a question? Sure.

How long has it been since Tom Cruise was in the best looking bloke chair? Great question. For me, he's still in there. Really? Yeah, I love that man. Yeah, he's good. I think probably... Five years?

Oh no, 20. Yeah. Nah. 20? In his defence, I'll say this, I think he's still a good-looking guy, but I think he's so firmly in the does-his-own-stunts chair that he can't have another chair.

He can't straddle chairs. To me, he's in the signs and autographs for everyone who's turned up. He's got the help some person at a scene of accident. He's got publicists saying this is all very well but I've got to get up

at six o'clock in the morning standing on the red carpet. Booked a babysitter for tonight. And so easily lost in a crowd. I mean he's essentially a travel celebrity. Apparently he flew over here in a holdall. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Alan, please. We've actually had a missive in also on the subject of animals from Eddie from Coulsdon. Okay, oh, I'd like to live in Coolsden. Would you? Yeah.

Oh, I see. That's like, you know that bit in Pulp Fiction? Because I'd read it, I was seeing the spelling. You know in Pulp Fiction when he says, OK, that's cool and the gang or something like that, it's just a way of saying cool. Yes, yes. Yeah, I'm going to start saying that. OK, Coolsden.

Are you? Yeah. That is a thing I'm going to start saying now, okay, Colston. Are you? Yeah. That is a thing I'm going to start saying. Looking forward to that. Well, we'll see how it goes. So if I came in and I said, oh, well, I'm going to go to that gig on Tuesday, are you going to come with? I'm going to go, yeah, Colston.

You'll see. It'll catch on. I think it will. Everyone, everyone will be saying it. I mean, a lot that you say does catch on. Of course. Oh, man. I tell you how I'm feeling.

I've got that sort of surge of adrenaline. You know when you do something that makes you feel, you know what, empowered? You feel, I have done, I have stood up, I have stood up and been counted. Oh, yeah. Like when, for me, I haven't done this many times, but it really makes me think, like, you know what?

If I want something, I will go out and, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, I will go out and get it. I don't care what other people think of me. It's when I've opened the window on a bus. Ooh! I just got up and opened the window and sit down and think, yes, that is the kind of person I am. Good for you. If i want the window open

yeah okay you stared at me you're thinking look at that bloke opening the windows very good oh man it's just a lot i think things like that when um you know when you say excuse me but this is a dirty fork i'd like a clean one It's only a little victory in life. But some people can't do it. I heard someone returning something in a coffee shop the other day and they said, I really don't want to be that person.

And I thought, you are. Yeah. You definitely are being that person. I do want to be that person. But there you are, you see. What you thought about them, that's the sort of thing that people think when you do do something.

That she was being dynamic? Yeah. Yeah. No, you thought... Yeah. And that's what people think. Oh, shut up. Yeah.

So you say, excuse me, but this steak tastes of urine. And people are thinking, oh, shut up. Stop going on about it. Who do people think they are people are thinking, oh, sure. Stop going on about it. Who do people think they are? I mean, it's that. We're not together on it at all.

No. Anyway, I would like to know what actions make other people feel empowered in that same way. I'm glad I did that. Oh, 031 has one. Oh, I haven't seen that. Well, don't worry. I'm across it. Forgetting a £1 coin

and using my front door key for a trolley at the supermarket. I didn't even know that. Lack of change won't stop me. Well, you can do that. You put a key in it. Owl, Owl. Owler's lit up like a Christmas tree.

What? So you couldn't do what? Three tries now. You do get it back, don't you, the pound? Yeah, but I don't always have a pound. The smile on that man. I'm blinded. It's like a camel.

Can I say Absolute Radio do not approve of people using the key instead of the coin? I don't know that. No, I'm guessing. I've got the manual with me. It's been wiped inside. Oh, what about this one, Al? Dan Bower.

He loves you, Frank. Frank, I love the fact that a high-profile celebrity such as yourself is humble enough to travel on a bus still. Man of the people. Yeah, actually, it's to do with having an over-60s travel card and being a bit... It's about time I got something back for all the tax I've paid.

It's the darker motivation. It's a nice thing to say, though, Dan. It is. I think I appreciate that, Dan. Drink the long draft, Dan. For the hip priest. Something of a subject change. 700 has answered your question. I would guess, Dickens wrote with a pen,

you had to dip in ink. Typewriters were available in his lifetime. I think it was Huckleberry Finn that was the first book composed on typewriters. That is a very good, it's a first That's a very strange tone you've taken. I didn't know where that came from.

I've never heard you speak like that before. I don't know where that tone came from. I hope that never happens again. And all I said was that was a very good. I mean, it can be applied to so many things. I think you just want some voiceover work. I could do a thesis on the, just analysing the peaks and troughs of that.

Yeah. Well, it's mainly very very growly wasn't it it was uh i'm not sure about i tell you it sounded a bit like who's that um presenter that does um home is where the art is nick nick knolls yeah nick now it's a bit no noz. Do you remember there's clips of him singing? Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know what he sung, but I imagine I know what his karaoke song is. I'm going to guess Mustang Sally.

Oh, yeah. I'm thinking Big Bad Leroy Brown. Is that what he's called? Big Bad. Oh, man, yeah. Stop it, Nick. Get out. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can I say, on the sweet and sour front, I don't even have the slightest idea what's in it. I don't, I couldn't tell you what the base of it is, anything. I couldn't tell you what the base of it is, anything. It's a taste which to me is as individual as Oscar Wilde. Oh, yeah. I don't mean the taste of Oscar Wilde. Emily and I know the rough ingredients of sweet and sour sauce now because we spent the last song reading 50 different versions of it.

Oh, I mean, they've been coming. These sweet and sours in their droves. Yeah. I'll kick off with 818. It's sugar, black vinegar, corn flour, soy sauce, red food colouring. Right, that's it. Well, there's other options are available. Al, over to you.

Yeah, some mischief makers, Neil and Francesca have said, I reckon it's jelly babies and vinegar. I mean, that's just not... No, but you know what? Silly babies. That to me, I can sort of feel that more than I can feel the other ingredients.

If you mix... It'd be worth trying. I don't know if you could melt jelly babies. Is that? And also, I think I might get a big guilt thing about it. Like when I take

I think it's unlikely given your earlier text. What about coral from Cheltenham? I thought you were going to say included coral. No,

I don't think that melts down that easily. Also, the colour goes when you take it out to sea. It's got that lovely orange tinge.

Coral from Cheltenham. What a great, what lovely orange tinge. Coral from Cheltenham. What a great moniker. Coral from Cheltenham. I worked in a Chinese takeaway. No, I should say the emphasis differently. I worked in a Chinese takeaway. The main ingredients of sweet and sour sauce are, you ready, Frank?

Yeah. White vinegar. Okay, yeah, I'll have that. Oranges. Oh no. I can taste that. Okay, well see if you can taste this. Soy sauce. Yeah, cool. A few spices. Finally,

Robinson's orange squash. You are oranges and Robinson's. Has she got mixed up with the formula for orange juice? Oh, that's a good question. Coral knows whereof she speaks. But you know what?

I would never, I would never, ever try and make my own. You wouldn't? No, because if I made a duff one, I just would feel that I had... You'd be crestfallen, would you? It would ruin the dish forever. I do a poetry podcast, but I would never write poetry,

because I would be slightly disgusted and disappointed by my own efforts. Can I bring to your attention a text message from 775 who says, pineapple is the secret ingredient. Well, you do get bits of pineapple. Yeah, it's not a secret. There's big lumps of it.

You can see them. What bit of it is secret? It's hiding in plain sight. In the pineapple world, though, there must be a bit of status to being in, you know, at the lower end. Showing off to the oranges. You know those people who live on gammon?

They're at the lower end. But we're with the sweet and sour people. Very nice. It's hardly a stealth fruit. It's yellow, for heaven's sake. Yeah, it's very distinctive. We've had so much sweet and sour correspondence. Thank you for that.

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I would like to ask you a question about collective nouns. And I know it almost feels like, you know, well-trodden comedy territory where people go, murder of crows, or whatever the sharks one is, the school. I encountered a new one recently, and I don't know if it's a real one

or if it's just a quirk of my brother-in-law's speech. He said, when we were there, we'd had a bagel, like the kids had had a bagel with peanut butter. We'd all had a bagel. Yeah, we'd all had a bagel. It did have the manner of we'd all had a bagel. Absolutely right. And then as he was leaving, he said,

oh, there's another sleeve of bagels in the kitchen, if you're interested. I like that. It's quite a... It's like he's ecclesiastical, Frank. Is he in a mariachi band? But he's a... A sleeve of bagels.

I mean, I feel in both ways. I think it could be a thing that it's a collective noun. People talk about a sleeve of bagels. Or it could be a quirk of his that he doesn't even... You know, he won't care if I'm making fun of him on the radio about it. I'm thinking

that he's talking about that packet that they come in. Yeah. That long thing. Is he? So I don't think he's a collective noun

for bagels. No. But sleeve, I've never said sleeve in my life. It's nice though, isn't it? In that context.

I'm just thinking, but you could have a sleeve of biscuits. Is it nice? I think thinking, but you could have a sleeve of biscuits. I think you could just as easily have a sleeve of biscuits. Sorry, can we all stop pretending sleeve is a thing with food? Oh, it is now.

I think it makes absolute sense. Well, I have to say it's very catchy because I haven't thought of bagels without thinking of sleeves since he said it. And you know, if you get like a big load of burger buns you know those sort of 12 i consider those now a suitcase or a natasha case well i mean if you're gonna wear your heart on your sleeve it's much safer to wear it on

a sleeve of bagel yeah sleeve of bagels i'm sure that's's a Sherlock Holmes story, isn't it? A sleeve of bagels. So it's not a thing. Is that what you're telling me? That it's a quirk of his? Have you ever said sleeve, honestly, Frank, outside of this show? Other than shirt sleeve or something like that? No, I haven't.

But you know what? I might now. Here we go. Well, I'm going to use it as a phrase forever. I'm trying to think what we buy by the sleeve. I think you can get a sleeve of wine gums. I seem to remember they used to come in like a long see-through. That makes sense, yeah.

Okay. I only bought them for lying down. I didn't actually eat them. Yeah. Yeah. I've had some sleeve correspondence David he says in Glasgow a carton of cigarettes is known as a sleeve of fags is it really?

I believe so yeah I like that no stranger says the same cigarettes come in sleeves a 200 pack is known as a sleeve and Michael says a friend of mine once told me he ate a whole sleeve of Weetabix I like that friend on two counts there. Big appetite and interesting vocabulary. There used to be a thing about three shredded wheat.

Was that the thing? If you had three shredded wheat, you were... I remember Ian Botham did an advert which suggested his masculinity had been... Was it sort of implied it was a feat that very few humans could achieve? I think it was, yeah. Ridiculous.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank we're having a lot of response to your appearance last night yes I think my haircut has overtaken my I think she meant your appearance on Graham Norton but yeah you're right we're also getting some hair correspondence too

it is linked yes I can't think of many people who have genuinely gone on television knowing that their haircut is terrible and done nothing about it. But I felt I needed to take it to... It's almost anti-pop star, isn't it, what you're doing? Because they go on with terrible hair not knowing that it's terrible. Yeah, there's that. Or footballers.

And also, you know, when I used to do a chat show myself, there were people who came and went into make-up but it was a great many people who arrived with their make-up and wardrobe, their own people and they're in the room for like three hours being prepared you know. And give us a chance

to keep up. Well, what I enjoyed last night was Ashley Banjo openly laughed when your hair was mentioned, but... Yeah, did he? Well, yes. Well, his is meticulous, of course.

His looks like, you know, people's hair looks like daily maintenance hair. Oh, right. I can't be doing that. Daily. Well, evidently not. Did you see our esteemed leader? I might watch it another time. I just didn't know it was on.

He plays his cards close to his chest, doesn't he, with his other professional engagements. You think I'm going to text you and say, by the way, I'm on Graham Norton tonight. I mean, what kind of scoundrel? Our esteemed leader did a brilliant thing, Al. Did he? When they introduced him, you know when Graham Norton does a do-do

and the do-do-do-do the little sound bed of music? Yeah. He said, and Frank Skinner! And Frank! I think it's the only time I've ever seen anyone do this

when, yeah! And cheered himself! Well, as you know, I thought I'd been banned after the Flying Ant Day incident on there. We've had a missive about that, actually.

OK. Don't usually watch Graham Norton, but was gripped to see Frank wondering if he'd bring up Flying Antgate, see if Miley Cyrus' insect know-how was better than Fassbender's. That would have been quite a challenging thing. I was a little bit frightened of Miley Cyrus as well. She wasn't in the studio, I should say. The way it worked out was that

Ewan McGregor and Miley Cyrus was on Zoom. Oh, yeah. And me, Shirley Ballas, and I'll get back to... I made a terrible faux pas, but anyway, me, Shirley Ballas and Ashley Banjo were in the studio. Mm-hm.

Which gave me a feeling, God bless all of us, is that the policy, because there is some risk involved in going into the studio and being made up and having people around you. Right. And I feel we were categorised as people who showbiz could afford to lose.

Right, I see. Those who are actually in the studio. It's a tier system. Yeah, whereas Miley and Ewan, you know what I mean? They need to be looked after. Showbiz gold. Now, my terrible faux pas was all evening, and I didn't realise until I got...

I think I know what it is. Oh, go on. Well, I don't want to raise it in case you don't realise it. No, go on, I wouldn't mind another faux pas in case you don't realise it. No, go on. I wouldn't mind another faux pas to take the edge off this one. Displacement of anxiety. I'll tell you what I picked up on. Go on.

Frank's face is actually contorting. Yeah, I'm close to that. There was a moment where Shirley Ballas... Oh, no. ..had been talking about her... And she was very open, God love her, wasn't she? I thought she was brilliant, talking about her relationships and how many times she'd been married. And it was sort of becoming a bit of a joke and she was all laughing, it was all very good natured.

Ewan McGregor popped up and talked about, he was promoting a show on a motorbike, and Shelly Ballas said, oh, I'd like to go on the back of your bike. on a motorbike and Shelley Ballas said oh I'd like to go on the back of your bike and Frank said I see another marriage coming on Right and I suddenly for a minute

I thought are you referring to the fact that you and MacGregor got divorced quite recently Oh no I don't I missed that one I'm alright with that It takes the edge off it when they're on Zoom. Yeah.

No, the problem was that on and off air, from arrival to leaving, I called Shirley Sally. Oh, yeah, that is bad. Yeah, I did that. And this is a woman on probably the biggest show on television. Yeah. So I got back and I said to Kath, I said,

oh, that's really nice. Sally Ballas was on. She was like a knight. And she said, Shirley Ballas. And I went, oh!

Too late. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I came across something this week which interested me. Have you heard about this? There's a proposed, I think it's an EU law they're proposing, which would ban the labelling of non-meat products,

so vegan products as being sausages. You can't say veggie burgers, for example. Yeah. You would have to call them... Burger is a meat name. Yeah. Yeah. You would have to call them discs.

Oh, I love that. Sausages, if they're veggie sausages, they would now have to be called... Is it tubes? Correct, Alan. Although I've got a problem with that because surely tubes are hollow by their very nature.

So calling them tubes means they're going to have to have a hollow bit in the middle. That would be quite like the idea of sausages with like a shaft running through the middle. You could eat them off your fingers.

That would be nice. Imagine sitting and looking like a batting glove and just eating them off. Or Frank, a very primitive... What a lovely world. Eating your tofu tubes off your hand.

It would look quite primitive 80s robot. Yeah. A sort of tron. It would look like somebody eating their own fingers and leaving a skeleton

behind. Ironically, for a non-meat product. It would look like somebody eating their own fingers and leaving a skeleton behind. Ironically, for a non-meat product. It is, yeah. What they actually used, I mean, I thought they used the phrase cultural appropriation. Did they really? It's meat. Some meaty person, someone from, I don't know,

Pork Today or Chop Concern said, yeah, these vegetarian people who are always very anti-meat are very happy to take our names and use them to their own advantage. I thought that was fabulously based moral indignation. Oh, Well done, the awful bureau. Yes. So,

they're all... See, I kind of... I like the way the meat guys were saying... The guys? We used to say

a thing when... We used to say a thing to kids in the street when I was... Get off up your own end. Oh, yeah. And it was like that.

Get off up your own end. Get your yeah. And it was like that. Get off up your own end. Get your own words. What I would say, both, is that... Can't be bothered with individual names anymore. Good stuff. Discs and tubes. Does it sound very appealing?

No. I think for discs, they must be able to come up with better than that. Frisbees. I think... Wow, that is brilliant. Yeah, thank you. Why not? How brilliant. Thank you. Well,

if, also, if they're not going to be named by the meat guys, are they? No. They should be allowed to be named by the vegetable community. Yeah. Yeah. And so they can call it like the Frisbee of Hope. Yeah. What they need to do is get on their moral high horse

about how they're safe in the planet. I don't think they'd get on horses. No, no. They would. They'd get on one to rescue it, maybe. And we should say there are several. I could just eat a compassion cylinder. Compassion cylinders and mash.

Nice. Oh. That's what you do, though. I think every time you order, you remind mash. Nice. That's what you do, though. I think every time you order, you remind people. Yeah. That you're in the right. Also, Frank, I would say it's not... They're being a little strict, the meat guys.

I know. Because let's face it, grapefruit... Excuse me. I see no grape. Good point. No? Very good point. And why the need to mention, why so thirsty grapefruit?

For the attention with the fruit thing. Not every other fruit doesn't do that. The grapefruit is a bit, I'm having that. Someone has seen the grape. They've seen the grape and thought, that's a good name for a fruit. No one will know. It's not very, you know, not many people see the grape and thought that's a good name for a fruit. No one will know. It's not very, you know, not many people see the grape. They'll think we did it first.

It comes back to you in the end. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. George Clooney has been in the news for other reasons. George Clooney has been in the news for other reasons. He said in an interview that he's never had an argument with his wife, Amal. Are you Frank? Yeah. Very similar to our house.

And he said, we haven't ever had an argument. You know, everybody's been slammed together because of the coronavirus and a lot of friends' relationships have been tested. For us, it's been really easy. What I would say about that, speaking as a recovering alcoholic, I find that, weirdly, if you say at a party, have you got anything that's non-alcoholic,

just an orange juice or something, they immediately think, oh, alcoholic, obviously, because you're not drinking alcohol, which is weird. But the same thing, if someone says to me, we never argue, I think there is something severely wrong with their relationship. Can I say, I 100% agree. Yeah, there's no doubt about it.

I am one of the, you know, if there's no pearl, if there's no friction, that's my thing. I mean, I've found it traumatic. Someone somewhere is, you know, I'm just saying, stuff's not coming out, and when stuff doesn't come out... They're giving in. Yeah, they're giving in. I mean, if you're married to a lawyer, you might be.

I can see you being careful. Is this harsh? I would say that George Clooney was one of the seven items or less stars do you want to just recap for non-regulants on your seven people who've done less than seven notable things in their career i would say um oceans 11, Oh Brother Where Art, though. Aren't you struggling a bit there? Gravity. Gravity is a good film.

That film brought me down. Coffee adverts. An espresso. ER. It's an espresso in his body of work. ER, we've gone right back to ER. ER. Fairly quickly, actually.

Of course, if we were on BRMB now, the West Midlands Radio, I'd say he must be a very giving bloke because he was in ER. Right. Because you'd say, here you are. Well, he also added, after he said that it's been really easy in lockdown to be stuck together, he said, George went on to add that the pair, as in him and Amal, the pair's united passion for philanthropy and humanitarian causes

has kept them grounded and made their relationship strong. Well, now hold on. I mean, obviously that... That's a good thing, isn't it? If you want to interpret it that way, yeah. What I feel sorry for... I've crossed them off my dinner party list just

reading that. I don't know if you guys have. I think it's good that they did a good thing i know what you i mean if i was a career activist i might feel like a career children's author all these everyone's an act i think well you know look at swampy he must have thought i've given my life to this and now you look on twitter everyone's comedian and activist actor and actor swampy first you know, Swampy, first through the door. If you're the first through the door... Trailblazer. Yeah.

But those people, and there's plenty of them, they are activists. That's what they do. Yes, this is true. So they must hate the celebs who do a little bit of activism at the weekend. Yeah. Well, it's activism with a blow-dry, isn't it? Oh, sorry. You're just going to give me a second.

I'm so anxious about that. So anxious. Whoa. God, that sounded like a Hillary Clinton quote. Frighten the death out of me. Oh, man. You're making the table shake. I know, sorry, but my heart's pounding.

I can't even mention a blow-dry. No. I think he was raised a Catholic as well and then he faded. Oh, that must mean you like him, does it? No, he faded. Oh, has he lapsed up to the eyeballs? I read the thing, he said he's not sure. He said he doesn't believe in hell.

It's one of the things he said. I thought we have only been married six years, mate. Stick around. 1974, new faces. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Mark Cotterell got in touch with me, one of our readers. Him! He said, it was very sweet, this tweet.

It was a mid-weeker, and it was the excitement of having seen a friend's house on the telly or something. Yeah. Frank's just been a question on Mastermind, he said. Oh, that's good. What was the specialist subject? Gits.

Gits through the ages. Yeah. Who else was in there? Great gits. Iits through the ages. Yeah. Who else was in there? Great, great, gits. All the time. Yeah, who else was in there? Good question. Correct.

Which git was born? Who would it be? Orson Welles. Who were the top? Who would be in the gits? Mastermind question. In the git parade. Schopenhauer.

In the git parade. Can we let that breathe please phenomenal work by the still in there that you know

first link as well first link not even a warm up and the fact that it was the gig parade was said by Britain's leading gig

I know and the fact I've only got like under two months and we're talking legitimately seeing when I'm 64. And still there, still like a riser. Who else is going to be in the Git parade?

Orson Welles is in the Git. Have you ever heard his advert for Finder's frozen food? Yeah. Orson Welles. Oh, yeah. And he said, he does it, and the bloke says, I think if you could be a bit... And he says, and what do you in the depths of your ignorance advise?

Oh, wow. And I thought, yeah, we've all been there, awesome. I don't think people allow for the stress of working with idiots though good point and incompetence it's you know should we go to a song unbelievable Al well I obviously went straight to uh iPlayer to have a look at this okay and I was so excited...

Let me just set this up. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Yeah. Um, and I watched the gentleman in question. And how can I put this? He looked intelligent. Oh, OK. One thing I noticed about the man on...

He looked like he might watch Doctor Who. Yeah, there's a certain type of mastermind male who look like they got their shoes on prescription. You can see when they're in the big wide of a mall city. I always look out for those. Yeah. Anyway, carry on. He looked like he might have arrived with a plastic bag. Oh, yeah.

Instead of a... Okay, my kind of guy. Which I like, your kind of guy. But was I in general knowledge or in any special... Oh, calm down. Calm the ego down. Okay. You were in general knowledge. Okay, fair enough.

You looked pleased by that. Is that better for you? No, I wouldn't have minded being in Tibetan architecture. You would have been... It would have been a Doctor Who. Yeah, it would have felt like I'd been slightly wedged. It was a general knowledge. What was the question there? It was, it just had general, it was quite a weird question.

It said, which, it listed all your, it said, which comedian, it was first. Yeah. Okay. Thank God. Performer, TV, I can't remember what else it called you, but then it said was born, and it had your birth name, Christopher Collins, and blah, blah, blah.

And I went, oh! And he passed. But listen, Frank, Frank, Frank, before you get upset, when they came to it, there was a lovely moment, because he said, and that answer too, and John Humphrey said it as if to say,

come on, you missed a biggie here. He said, and the answer, and he went, I know, I know. He said, it was, of course, thanks. And he went, oh. And John Humphreys said, I know. Did he go, oh, or did he go, who? He knew it. And John Humphreys looked at him as if to say,

you should have got that. Did he win it? Did he win his thing? I believe he might have won. Okay. I might keep an eye on him. Can he bet? Do they have betting on it?

They don't have betting on it. I've never heard of anyone betting on it. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I suppose we've all been asked that question. To what extent is your personal grooming influenced by Olly Murs? Mm-hm. I interviewed Olly Murs.

This is going somewhere, trust me. I don't know if you remember, I used to have a thing on iPlayer called On Demand. Yes. It was actually, though I say it a shouldn't, very fine show, but decommissioned, you know. It's okay, I'm fine with it. I'm still...

You give it a sort of a nuclear sound when you say decommissioned. Well, you know, I carry on. I'm still MP for Islington North, as it were. So, he was a nice guy, Olly. I hadn't met him before.

And part of the thing with that is it was sort of quite cosy, wasn't it? You were on a sofa with the guests, sometimes in a bed, Lee Mack, and you were in bed together. Yeah, well, with Olly Murs, we met in some Chelsea restaurant that he favours. I had a long chat with him. I took a, let's say I took a ferry across Mersey. Lovely.

He said to me that one of his joys in life was Tom Ford products. Oh, yeah. I had no awareness of Tom Ford. The scent guy, is it? Yeah, scent people. I mean, that's one way you can refer to him, for heaven's sake. Does he do other stuff? Yes.

He does nonsense stuff. He's a designer. He's a fashion designer. He's branched out into that recently. I sat next to him on a plane once. I got a gift at the end of the run from the producer and it was a bottle of this Tom Ford shower gel.

Shower gel? Yeah. Okay. And I did that thing, which I don't know if you ever listen to other radio stations, that thing that it seems to be a lot of presenters are doing with their interesting and funny stuff.

I saved it for best. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And I've saved it for best for years. Oh, dear. And then what with the global pandemic? I've taken on a sort of a gather ye rosebuds while ye may, carpe diem, and I thought I'm going to use

I'm going to use the Tom Ford crack out the seven year old shower gel I like the fact your carpe diem is using some shower gel that's what I mean keep him for best there used to be a sentimental email that went round about a

bloke who's I think he's he had some tragedy in his life and when he went through the person's belongings he found some stuff they'd been keeping for best and never wore them. And he'd say, like, don't keep stuff for best. Oh, I never would.

This stuff, it's called Oud Wood. Oh yeah. O-W-D. O-W-D. Oh, okay. Oud. Oh, is it O-W-D. O-W-D. Oh, OK. Oud. Oh, is it Oud? Yes.

Because you're so poetry, I thought you were saying O-D-E. Oud. No, Oud to wood. In the black country, it's how you'd say old, where I come from. Oh, is it? Smells of old wood in here. Oh, it's Oud. Oud, it's pronounced.

It's a certain type of fragrance that would have been a great doctor who joke you know oud wood no but thanks for the tip the oud is a is a um a creature is it looks like it's over gorged on spaghetti it's got all these tendrils coming out of it oh i've seen that yeah okay i've looked like that so it's's Oud Wood What is Oud? Oud is a specific type of fragrance I suppose you'd have frankincense, it's a scent it's a very

amber-y, musky scent hence Oud Wood So we've done frankincense and myrrhs Oh I'm going to be going up That, Al, was gold If up. I mean, that, Al, was gold. If only I had a jingle that went, Gold!

Oh, it's really... Anyway, that was... I reckon we could get Tony Hadley to come in and sing that for us. Yeah, I think... Yes. I... So, anyway, here's my... We began by asking,

how has Olly Murs influenced my personal grooming. Go on. Here's the thing, and I'm going to put this as delicately as I can. So I'm using now Tom Ford shower gel. Oud wood. Oud wood. And I do my whole body. You use it like a body wash.

Oh, no, you shouldn't have done that. It's shower gel. I know, but I'm worried about what's happened here. Well, I'll tell you what happens. But when I get to my... I'm sensing a medical emergency on its way. No, I do everything, but when I get to my bum, I switch to a cheaper shower gel. Good lad. Just for

that. That's fine. And that for me is a sort of a reasonable keeping for best. Yeah. That doesn't exclude using it at all. Absolutely ill. Little tip there for the people at home. How did it smell?

How dare you? Oh, the... Anyway. How long are we going to avoid the elephantitis in the room? Well, he played a song called Cut Your Hair, and we've not even discussed the fact that he's shorn it. It's gone. Frank has... I mean, no-one warned me.

I wasn't prepared. I walked in this morning and, blowing me down, it was a new man standing in front of me. Well, I did it on a whim. You never. I did it on a whim. Yeah and I tell you what funnily enough I didn't I didn't watch the Graham Norton show although a lot of people watched it and said my hair looked terrible. Some people personally communicated with me. Many texted the show last week, and we filtered a fair number of them out. Thank you. I appreciate that.

We only told you the broadcastable ones. Yeah. But I didn't watch it, because I don't really watch myself on stuff like that, unless it breaks my heart. It's not that it breaks your heart. It's because it's a very unhealthy thing to do, but that's another story.

So sometimes they leave set-ups in and not punchlines when you watch television shows that you've been on. I know, you know, people... No clue. A way of scratching your fingers into your own wallpaper. Yeah, it's really painful. Anyway, but what I did watch a bit of was Emily interviewing me for the, what was that thing called?

The AHAB, Captain AHAB conference. Captain AHAB? It was something like that. What was it at the producer's hall, though? International? AHAB. We tried to work out. We spent several hours trying to work out.

It's a bureau. There's a bureau involved. Oh, that's right. What did it stand for in the end, Frank? It, advertising. Internet Advertising Bureau. Oh, yeah. Something like that.

Anyway, I watched a bit of that, and my hair looked terrible. I mean, it was terrible. It wasn't just, you know. And I don't think that was its badness peak. I think that was like a week or two before. Well. Michael McIntyre texted me and said that he thought it symbolised the current crisis.

Wow. So, yeah, I watched it on that thing, and it's sort of post-lobotomy chic, is how I would describe it. So I decided, I mean, I can't believe I went on national television. I mean, international television. Graham Norton goes across the globe. So, yeah, sorry, guys, it's a globe. That's lost half our listeners.

Why do you think, darling, that that's maybe occurred to you now rather than a couple of months back? Because it's like this radio show. Some people listening might not know that the texts and everything that come in don't come into my side of the desk. Only Alan and Emily see them. So I live in the belief that only love is coming in and praise. And that keeps me going. And because I didn't watch myself with the hair thing,

from inside, it felt great. This side of the hair, it looked really good. It was like the chair at Aintree. It looked good from one side, but once you're over it, it's a the chair at Aintree. It looked good from one side, but once you're over it, it's a terrible drop at the other side. So from inside it seemed great, but once

I got an objective view of it, it was absolutely, it's like one of the worst haircuts I've ever seen on television. And I've watched a lot of programmes set in hospitals and prisoner of war camps. It's right up there. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We do talk off air. Some shows here, they sit stony-faced, the music plays, but we chat like old friends. Yeah. Anyway, we were talking about... We do occasionally check that the mics are down.

Oh, yeah, it's always good to that because there's quite a lot of vicious malice. And what I would call barren room language. Yes. But we were just talking about someone who I work with, who Emily knows. I don't know if Alan knows him, but we were talking about claims to fame.

Yes, I kicked it off with Rebecca Front, the actor. Her dad designed the logo for the Beatles' Rubber Soul album, which is a great claim to fame. That is, especially as she's called Front as well, and it's all about the front of that cover. He didn't do the writing stuff on the back, the Parlophone symbol. What's the point? And you mentioned...

And I mentioned, we know a guy, and his dad made the Velcro-fitted skirts had made the Velcro-fitted skirts that were torn off the box-fiz ladies during Eurovision. And we were... So if anyone out there has got what they would call an off-the-wall claim to fame, I'd love to hear it. Yeah. We've got Claire Beharrell.

I shared my bag of fruit pastels with Dick and Dom at Strictly last year oh wow, that's a double just to get into Strictly is quite an achievement Dick and Dom Carmel McKenna, Bruce Forsyth hit a golf ball that landed on my legs on the Des O'Connor show and that was in the early 90s

landed on your legs on the Des O'Connor show there's more to that there definitely is Landed on your legs on the Des O'Connor show. There's more to that. There definitely is. Was Carmel in the audience and he chipped, maybe he chose a Niblick and he just chipped one off the stage, off maybe a little square of AstroTurf they'd put down. It landed in her lap.

Or was she the one in the glittery leotard and he was supposed to be driving it straight and he spliced it from the kneecap. This is more local claim to fame. Can I just say that the Dick and Don one reminds me of when I was at a film premiere eating popcorn and Bob Geldof came over and said, are you still upset about this?

I wouldn't give him any. I know. He said, come on, get some popcorn. No, please. I said, say please. He wouldn't say it. Yeah. Paul Pox.

Nothing he has done has made up for that, in my opinion. He fed the world. Yeah. Not with my popcorn, he did. Rude. There's no excuse for rude. How rude? Well, I mean, it is rude to not say please

if you're asking for somebody else's food. You're right, aren't you? You tell him. I have a very topical claim to fame. In 1972, my dad was... It doesn't sound very topical so far. With our show that is very topical.

My dad was the assistant to Laurie McNamee at Grimsby Town. Grimsby were playing Middlesbrough in a pre-season friendly and my dad let me sit on the bench. I was ten years old at the time. At half time there were lots of substitutions,

of which Nobby Styles was one. Nobby Styles took his front teeth out and handed them to my dad, who in turn handed them to me and said, put these in your pocket. I was retching at the thought of the teeth in my pocket. Different times. But not many people can say they've had a World Cup winner's false teeth in their possession, Gordon from St Albans.

That is brilliant. And full respect to Nobby Styles, by the way, who features in Three Lions, of course, for his famous World Cup dance. Can I tell you that the headline in the Birmingham Mail was that former West Brom boss and England World Cup winner, Nobby Styles. That's what I... Never afraid of the parochial, the Birmingham mayor. He was Albion manager for about six months max. But, yeah, also won the World Cup. 842 worked with Nick Knowles, his mum,

at the Benefits Agency in Tunbridge Wells 32 years ago. Fantastic. 32 years ago. I. 32 years ago. I was watching him just the other day on Home is Where the Art Is. Have you seen that? No, I haven't. Oh, he's brilliant.

I tell you, he's wearing very tight garments. Nick Nails. He looks like he's been dressed. He looks like he's been... Did I say Nails? Nick Nails. Okay. Well, yeah, I don't know what made me think of that. But he looks like he's been... Did I say nails? Nick Nails. OK. Well, yeah, I don't know what made me think of that.

But he looks like he's been dressed and then soaked. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Would you like to hear this claim to fame, Frank? Yes. From Tim Bread. Tim Bread? Yes. OK.

My enemy. On the carbs front. Tim says, my fingers are sometimes used as stock footage when ITNs show a pin being entered at an ATM. Oh, that's good. After I did an interview years ago when the banks had an IT meltdown.

Tim, I think that might be my favourite so far. No, it's brilliant. It's really good. Yeah. I hope we don't get any of the people who were used in the National Obesity Conference. I always feel sorry for those people. They must recognise themselves. Yeah, they don't use faces, but you'd recognise a T-shirt or something like that.

What an outfit. Cruel. The unwitting Slayer as well. She, you might remember she spent six hours in the maternity hospital after laughing a lot at you and her daughter was nearly called Frankie. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.

I got shoved by a bloke getting off a train, started to fall backwards and was caught by Richard E. Grant, who escorted me off the train like the total gent he is fantastic that's nice you can picture you could trust he's probably done many many

drama school trust exercises where you fall back into someone's arm good point he probably knew the exact bracing position to save his back he trained for his whole life in many ways yeah god he is the guy you want to fall into.

He is a fun one. Whereas David James, the goalkeeper, he'd be on the floor. Hello, my off-the-wall claim to fame is that my dad once made a sheepskin coat for hard-drinking Canadian snooker sensation Bill Wurbenjerk. And they finish, good luck beating that, from Tony Marsh.

Sheep's getting cut. I wonder how many sheep died in the making of that. Oh, I think a fair two. He was a big man. Well, I googled Bill Wurbenjek during the last link because I thought this was funny. And it says that he's a hard drinker, Canadian snooker sensation.

The main photo that comes up is him sitting at a table absolutely covered in various drinks. I'll tell you why that is, though, because Bill Wurbeniek claimed on his tax returns, his tax claim was that he couldn't play snooker in a tournament because nerves made his hand shake and he couldn't play. Oh, like the yips. So this was before the beta blockers were introduced.

So he said he had to drink at least 15 pints of lager before he could play a game. So he used to claim all that lager against that. I haven't done that for a while. Do you know what he's most famous for, strangely, is his fellow countryman, Cliff Thorburn, known as the Methodical Mountie in those days. And if you came from Canada, you'd probably call him Mountie.

He got the first ever 147, I think, televised. I think it was the first ever. And it's that stage at the World Championships where they have a screen down in between the tables because there's two games going on. And when he got near the end, you just saw Bill Wurbenick's face like the moon coming over a

mountain range, looking around the corner watching this final thing. I think he's no thing. Oh, Bill. I think he's no longer with us, Bill. These we have loved, eh? Glyn has texted, I was once given a lecture from Big Daddy

on why I shouldn't bite my nails. I wonder what that lecture contained. Like, how many different points were there? Why? Don't bite your nails. I imagine it went roughly like that. How many different points were there? Don't buy your nails. I imagine it went roughly like that. I mean, if we're talking about physical appearance, mate.

Physician heel myself. Daddy heel myself. Slightly. Did he invent the mankini, would you say? He was pre-Borat, very much so, yes. I'm reading, while we're on what we're reading, I'm reading the Rupert Everett diaries. Fun.

Come on. Oh, I'm going to start them in our reading club. I like that we've got a bit of book club. What are you reading, Frank Skinner? I am reading a biography of John Milton. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Love him.

He loves the poetry. Yeah, it's not poetry, it's mainly about his political he was a great champion of the execution of Charles I as it turns out you know I'm not one to gossip 3am Harry Styles

Harry Styles to Milton's view on the execution of Charles I. Here at Absolute Radio, where real culture matters. If there's any of Charles I's family listening, no offence. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I remember when I bought my first ever flat, I went into a B&Q in Wolverhampton to get some things. And they had some of those lights.

You know those lights, ceiling lights with like a sort of... Things. You know, things for a new house. Did you have that on your shopping list? Yeah. Things. You know when you move into a place place you need things that you didn't have before and they had those lights that have like they're in a cage you know those lights that you get on ceilings yeah and i bought i really i thought i loved that i want to put those in the flat so i bought. I had them in my trolley like you do at B&Q.

And the guy looked at them and I said, I was talking to the person I was with. I said, I can have two in the living room, two in the bedroom. And he said, them for a garage. I said, I know, but I thought they'd work well in this flat. And he said, them for a garage. I mean, completely. I mean, this far and no further.

He let me purchase them, but I really felt a sense of having done something wrong. If you're listening, mate, they look lovely. So it's fine. By the way, while you're listening, mate, they look lovely. So it's fine. By the way, while you're on, is it still possible to ask Jeeves? That's a good question. It feels very 90s. But I'm inclined to ask him. When I first asked Jeeves, I remember being got it

that the answer didn't end with sir. I mean, if you're going to be Jeeves, you know, the little image had him with a try. I mean,

go with it. Don't half be Jeeves. And not just sir. I want a very good sir in there. Something, yeah, something like that.

Certainly, sir. Nature. I'd got me monocle on, me plus fours, all ready for his response. And it was computer talk. Very disappointing. Anyway, if anyone out there knows, if you can still ask, Jeeves, do let us know. You ask him and he's quite sullen about the whole Google thing. Drinks a bit more than he ought to.

On Shaven. The logo now is him on waste ground with a few other servants. It's all at an angle, it's hanging off. Parker from Thunderbirds and Kato, the Green Hornet, all sitting around. Alfred as well from Batman.

Oh yeah, passing around the... I think, if I remember rightly, Jeeves used to drink hair lacquer with fortified wine. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. By the way, don't forget this morning's texting. Best original questions for Guess Who? Oh, that's good.

I've been playing Guess Who this week. Have you? Oh, how's it going? I don't know if I told you, when I first started playing with my son, he was only, like, two. And one of his first questions was, do they look kind? Oh, yeah. And I said, that's two. You've got

to be more specific than that. What a marvellous question that is. Yeah. Do they look askance? So I was quite pleased this week with my visible tongue enquiry. Have they got a visible tongue? Oh yeah, have they got a visible tongue? Excellent.

But you don't just want to go male, female, dog, cat, whichever version you're playing tongue. But you don't just want to go male, female, dog, cat, whichever version you're playing. I'm trying to find some cleverer ways of getting... Do they have an air

of insouciance? That might be too much, yeah. I'd say he's eight. Do they look capable of original thought on a regular basis? Well, I'd love to

come up with some stuff. When you play the one with human beings, if your first question is, are they male? You've wiped out half the board straight off. Do they appear to have a hinterland? I'll tell you something as well. There's a major design error in Guess Who.

What's that? If you tip it one way, the doors open on one side, and if you tip it on the other they all close and the other ones open. Oh, shut up. Rubbish. Come on. Sort it out, guess who. Listen, I went to a Punch and Judy show.

Again? This week. Do you go to one every year? Is this a ritual for you? If there's one around, I go. I love them. Absolutely love them. How do you even hear about them? I haven't, I mean, I'm I'd go. I love them. Absolutely love them. How do you even hear about them? I haven't... I mean, I'm...

I don't think I've ever heard. I've got a Ponce and Judy alert. The thing is, I believe this. There's one there. This guy used the swazzle as well. The swazzle? I beg your pardon? You know the swazzle in...

No, I don't. I'm a woman of the world. Well, you can do. You can do, P well. The swazzle? I beg your pardon? You know the swazzle in... No, I don't. I'm a woman of the world. Well, you can do, you can do punch. This is daytime radio. No, it's all right. You can do, you can do punch.

You can do Mr. Punch the way I do him. Naughty, naughty, naughty. That's the way I do it. You can do it like that. But that's not authentic. Oh, okay. The real Mr Punch...

God forbid. You have a thing, and it's like a little device that you have in your mouth, and it makes it sound really... The voice comes really weird. A swazzle? Yeah, it's a swazzle. How does it sound then?

I might get one. Well, I can't do it without the swazzle, but it's a more sort of unearthly version of... Is it like a kazoo, the swazzle? Yeah, like a miniature. It's got a sort of... You know when people have had their voice sort of electronically treated? Oh, it's like an early auto-tune.

Yeah, a bit like... Oh, I'm a gummy bear. I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy bear. Yeah, a bit like... If you can imagine that, but if it was produced by Samuel Beckett, that's what the voice changes into. Sounds changes, any words, that's an anagram of a fine sentence. So it really makes him sound weird, and this guy was doing the proper swazzle thing you could see when he spoke to the kids

I saw him I thought he was chewing at first and then I thought he's got a swazzle here we go wow and sure enough very exciting

you must be like you know when at the snooker at the crucible and they applaud like a really subtle safety shot you must be like that fan, but for Punch and Judy. Yeah. I was...

I once... Got a couple of purists in tonight. Well, I know there's a thing amongst Punch and Judy men. It's one of the first things they ask. There's a thing amongst Punch and Judy men. What's going on? One of the first things they ask is, do you do the hanging? Because traditionally he was hanged at the end,

and now they've tended to phase that out for the small ones. Oh, that's nice. That's considerate. Yeah, it was... Hang him, I say. I find... Yeah. He's only a puppet, isn't he?

Also, he's a vicious individual. He is normally. Well, I was going to say, Frank, I find the themes very distressing. Oh, I don't know about that. If there's one thing I love... I just find him very unattractive, Mr Punch, visually. If there's one thing I love, and this is a regular news story,

it's Crocodile in a domestic setting. Man in council flat with Crocodile in bath. That story that comes up now and again. I mean, it's one of my all-time faves.