The Frank Skinner Show - Best of 2021 – Part 1

Episode Date: December 25, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Some of the best bits from 2021 including Frank’s awkward interview, Lil Uzi’s diamond, a sausage roll conundrum and this year’s John Lewis ad.

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We're getting a lot of your baggies pals offering you support today Come on you baggies, Mr June says WBA danty Nervous for the game Frank? Yes, well we're playing our local rivals at 12.30 today

Yeah Wolverhampton Wanderers and I'm almost at the feeling of thinking Well wehampton Wanderers and I'm almost at the feeling of thinking well we're going to go down but I wouldn't mind beating them wouldn't be so bad going down Would you love that? I'd love that

I spent some time watching clips of that this week I saw her watch it about once every three weeks I did a we should say what we're referring to Kevin Keegan getting very angry about Alex Ferguson and Man United three weeks? I did a... We should say what we're referring to. Surely everyone knows. Kevin Keegan getting very angry about Alex Ferguson and Man United.

When would you say, Frank, what sort of year? What year are we talking? Oh, I'm not very good. 80s, 90s. I'd say 90s. I'd say late 90s. But I did a pilot

for a sports panel show which was called We'd Love to Beat Them. Oh, really? called We'd Love to Beat Them. Oh really? Or I'd Love to Beat Them or whatever it was, yeah. Never got off the ground. Thank you. I love it when you talk about things that didn't get off the ground.

It's like breaking the rule at every one. I remember once I went on Loose Ends on Radio 4. Oh, Ned Sheridan? No, post-Ned Sheridan. It's Clive Anderson. I'll just say, didn't get commissioned, got cancelled.

No, but I went on there and most of my interview was about the fact that they pulled Room 101. And I said, this is a new sort of reverse plugging that I'm pioneering. It's not so much plugging as mourning. You come on and talk about a project that's gone down the toilet. I like it when you do it in interviews and then you have the PR person from your management there dying in the corner.

Well, the truth is, and as we know, when people talk about their relationships, happy, loving relationships are extremely dull to hear about. But when the other person is turning up at the door at three o'clock in the morning with an axe,

that's when you want the story and you want all of it. Yeah. And so there is a play. I mean, let us not forget the great lost sitcom, Shane 2, which was never actually broadcast. We made it, edited it,

and ITV decided that it was not to be broadcast. Not suitable for broadcast. I mean, you're laughing now. You know there's a massive shortage of airtime at the moment, everyone, because of Covid. I mean, they're filling the air. I mean, anything, anything will do. Still, Shane 2 remains in its vault.

You think they're still walking past it on the shelves? Oh, I think it's one of those, you know those things in cartoons with about 12 padlocks on them and a spider? That's what the Shane 2 vault looks like. Oh, poor Shane 2. I'm sure it's very good playing. I've had some great moments.

Matthew Kelly's in here playing a homeless man. Really? Yeah, he's very good. As he said to me, he stopped me outside the toilet in Joe Allen's restaurant and said when when is uh shane i said how did you deal with it i said i just haven't heard anything about it he said well we all got paid oh and i thought fair enough that's a good attitude in showbiz and one you need is to put money before uh creativity i wouldn't say it's an uncommon.

No, true. Well, I've quoted this many times on the show. Johnny Briggs, the Coronation Street actor, said to my mother, as you may recall, do you remember what he said, Frank? He said something like, just get the words in the right order. I'll tell you what he said.

Someone was doing the sort of, what's my motivation? And he said, and how do you act? And how do you prepare? And he said, you turn up, you say your lines, you get paid, you go home.

Brilliant. Fair enough. I don't know if it helped him. I pulled with. It's not like people said, oh, that Dustin Hoffman, he does all this, you know,

all the method and all that. And then Johnny Briggs, every bit as good. Yeah. I never heard anybody say that. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So we were going to go away to a sort of country house thing.

Yeah. And ten of us... It's all a bit blur-influenced, today's show. Yes, it is a bit. And then there were certain restrictions introduced. So then we were going to have ten people at our house. Right. And then there were certain restrictions introduced. So then we were going to have ten people at our house. Right. And then there was further restrictions.

And in the end, it was just me, Kath and Boz. Oh, really? But we'd bought a turkey for ten. Yeah. Which is a big, that's a big bird. That's a lot of turkey. A really big bird. Yeah.

So anyway, we thought, I'll get through it. So on Christmas uh morning got the turkey out it was frozen yeah i didn't know we'd bought a frozen turkey so it'd been in the fridge for a couple of days but still absolutely rock hard so we looked at the thing and it says in the fridge at four degrees it needs a hundred hours to thaw. A hundred hours. Yeah. So it's that probably, I don't know, 20 odd. So we couldn't eat it.

No. Couldn't eat it on Christmas Day. It's big, massive. What if the ten people had turned up? A hundred hours. I mean, that's the length of a sort of classical war or something. That's how you mention a presidential turkey. So anyway, so the only meat we had was the pigs in blankets.

So the pigs... I once went to see My Fair Lady expecting Martine McCutcheon and she had a bit of a throat. And the understudy stepped up and was brilliant. And that's kind of what happened with the pigs in blankets. You know, always the bridesmaid, never the bride, pigs in blankets. But when they were at the centre... They're delicious.

Yeah. So me and Boz had, I think it was nine each. Good. And so essentially, did they form a tower? How did you arrange them on the plate? Or were they just more like a raft? Well, mine, I put at strategic positions. A little bit on one side of the cabbage.

Imagine if you were staking a joint. Yeah. And this is not meat terminology, it's private detective. Or indeed a vampire. No Van Helsing here. No, so there was what, you know, you never knew where a pig in a blanket was going to turn up. Right.

Oh, they were sort of an Easter egg treasure hunt vibe going on on the Christmas Day plate. Yeah. So it all turned out beautifully. And there was an element of Where's the Turkey? Was there? I once went to see a gig called Elvis in Concert. And I don't know if you're aware of this phenomenon,

but they get the singers and the musicians who played with Elvis in the 70s on his live shows. But obviously Elvis is no longer available. So he's on a big screen just singing without any musical backing and they play it live. But they still have a microphone in the middle of the stage, which is unattended that's depressing do you know that's what not having the turkey on the plate it's the um it's the uh the

presence of absence oh yes exactly it's exactly that always an issue in life i find what when did you eat did you consume the turkey so we had it on i think you're the turkey? So we had it on, I think it was the 28th. We had it. Even though you didn't have the turkey to eat on your Christmas dinner and your pigs in blankets meal sounds nice, I do wonder if you could just hear dripping of the thawing turkey in the background. Like a sort of metronome. Well, it wasn't going that fast.

It was a slow, slow thaw-er. Was it a slow bird? Slow thaw-er, as I think Alan Bennett said Well, it wasn't going that fast. It was a slow, slow thora. Was it a slow bird? Slow thora, as I think Alan Bennett said during the filming of one of his talking heads. But my sister-in-law bought us a meat thermometer as a gift, something that we'd forgotten about, and she pointed out to us. So we got that out and plunged it into the turkey on the 28th

and it was still minus 1.3 at the bone. So we said, we'll just have to cook it a lot to be safe. So we really cooked it. And by the time we ate it, I've got to be honest with you, I mean, we dried it. It was like eating a satchel. Oh, dear. Was it a bit Iris Murdoch's old shoe?

Oh, it was. Yeah, it was. Oh, dear. That's how it was. Oh, God. Is that what they say in the culinary world? No, that's what I say in the Emily world. No, we had to kill it so that it didn't kill us.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Little Uzi Vert, to be honest, I'm not familiar with his back catalogue. The reason he's in the press a lot at the moment is that he bought a $24 million pink diamond, which is what I mean. And he's had it set in the middle of his forehead

yeah yeah implanted and wow he is known for his i believe it's called flexing the big jewelry spend yeah is that what it's i'd never heard that before our flexing is very much your area so i'm assuming you're familiar with the term. I'm not familiar with my flexing, but that's a different thing. It's just me showing off the old muscles. So Little Richard, if Little Richard had come out now, would he be Lil Richard? Yeah.

And I think Stevie Wonder was Little when he started. I mean, as in, he was called... So he'd be Lil Stevie Wonder. Little Eva. Yeah. Lanktree. Yeah.

So, yes, he's got this pink diamond. He's already got gold braces. Okay. Golden braces. And didn't see that Bond film. Didn't fancy it. It was about the teenage Bond. No, it was about

when Jaws won the lottery. Jaws went bling. Golden braces. Gold braces. And then a bloke looks into the camera

with his gold and goes with his mouth. He's the man, the man with the golden gums. He spends very large sums. Anyway.

So, yes, I've never heard of this. Is this a thing that I've missed out on? People having jewellery... I mean, I'm familiar with the sort of Anyways Essex Diamante finish that some ladies go for. But this is set. This is actually sort of bolted.

I like that he calls it finish to try and be discreet. Well, I don't know. I mean, it's breakfast radio. But this seems to be sort of bolted. It's connected to Lil Uzi Vert's skull. He was. Did you see, Al? I mean, I saw his stories on the gram and he was bleeding.

You got a radiogram? He was bleeding. He was bleeding on the gram. And grumpy. It's funny. You'd think somebody with a $24 million face would be cheerier, but he's grumpier than me in the last couple of years.

So I was shocked. I'm, people listening to this will think, well, what happened in the last couple of years? But we'll move on from here. Well, I don't know what it, I mean, to me, I would be afraid to have um well i wouldn't want a 24 i mean if anyone wants to send one in as a gift but yeah i don't know i i just i'd see it as such a responsibility having a 24 million uh dollar diamond just where do you put it? Your face. Yeah, but

I mean, in the summer I sleep with the windows open. We get a great many magpies in our house. Imagine waking up and there's a magpie on your... Imagine on your face picking with its

sharp beak, pulling a diamond out of your forehead. Yeah. Forehead is another one, of course. You don't hear any more. Everyone said forehead when I was a kid for forehead. Do you know, I still sometimes say that. Yeah, people would say to me...

Is it American with a forehead? People would say to me, you've got a big forehead. People would say to me... He's an American with a forehead. People would say to me, you've got a big forehead. And, yeah, I'm not having a diamond fitting. I'm having solar panels. And I shall live forever. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, Lil Uzi Vert, who I like to call Love as an abbreviation. Do you think that's why he's gone for that name? Oh, maybe. Big slide fan. I believe it's because of his rapid rhymes. Okay. Yes, that's why. Oh, because it's like the automatic weapon, the Uzi. It's a lovely

name. And he's a Satanist, I read. Is he? Yeah, I think he's a Satananist i never read that about him oh the way frank tried to sound so casual about well i have on my i get roman catholic alerts and i believe he is a satanist yeah also i think uh that this there's talk that the Cyprus Eurovision song this year is an ode

to Satanism so a bit of a combat there I do think we're ahead of the trend aren't we Sarah? Remember you heard it here first and we've already had a man with horns on the show we've he did say, little Uzi Vert.

I mean, the one thing that I suppose takes maybe 17% of the glamour, the high rolling glamour off this story, is that he's having to pay it off in instalments. Yeah, I love him for that. But, I mean, what about when the bailiffs come round your house with a claw hammer? I worry about that. Oh! It's like Channel 5's Can't Pay Will Take It Away.

Exactly. Oh, dear. No, that is... Also, my other anxiety is, have you ever done that thing when you fall asleep on a train and you lean with your head against the window? He could cut a hole in the window with his diamond. His head could flop out the hole and he could be drawn up by,

you know, the mailbag hook. Does that still happen? They used to just have like the mail, they used to have a hook that used to just lift up the mail as it went past. I mean, all sorts. You could be hit by a signal or anything if your head's hanging out. Let's face it, he's a travelling hazard on a train.

I think there are dangers to him. And in fact, Frank, I would worry about how, say he was in your situation and was a fan of the headlamp, the bedtime headlamp, because you know Al uses a reading light contraption, he straps it around his head.

Yes. That's not going to work. I'm proud of the fact that Emily says this, if she's been there. Okay, let's keep it discreet. Okay, let's keep it discreet. Okay, let's keep the party polite. Vision, when he was killed by, I think it was Ultron, wasn't it, who ripped his gem out.

Was it Ultron? I'm a good person to ask about this. I don't know what you're talking about. You know Vision in the Marvel comics? No, I don't. Oh, well, he's got a... It was a kind of a solar thing, I don't know what you're talking about. You know Vision in the Marvel comics? No, I don't. Oh, well, he's got a... It was a kind of a solar thing, and then it seemed to turn into an infinity stone in the film.

Anyway, he's got a stone in his head. But that glows and stuff, as you say. I would want some... If there was some method it could glow, that would be great if you got up in the night. At my age, that would be your first you got up in the night at my age that would be your first priority i don't want a 24 million dot i want a headlamp terry wogan once gave me an incontinence light terry wogan gave me some flip-flops with lights in the front for getting

up in the night that's a true story this is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I did a face to face interview no zoom no masks where was the interview it was in Belsize Park which is an area of

North London you'll be familiar with was it in a cafe it was in a cafe and me and David Baddiel it was so we met he came to my house of North London you'll be familiar with. Was it in a cafe? It was in a cafe. Oh, no. Oh. And me and David Baddiel it was. So we met, he came to my house and we walked to this and we were interviewed by a couple of old friends of ours that we worked with on fantasy football.

It was a radio interview. But as you know, everyone who works in radio wants to be in television and more and more now you do a radio thing and they've got like a camera or what i would call i don't know if you still use the term camcorder but at least a camcorder yeah judging by the amount of laughter coming out as a producer, I'm not sure of you two. Well, anyway, so I got there, me and Dave turned up. There were three cameras, proper big cameras, pointed at this thing.

So I said, I thought this was a radio interview, and they said, yeah, we're also putting it on our YouTube channel. I said, well, no, I'm not doing it. You did. Did you? It was a bit awkward. Good lad. Yes, I would say it would be awkward.

And I said, no. Yeah, but if you've agreed to radio, then it's actually television. I didn't think that was right. It's like a media version of the bus replacement train service. Exactly, exactly. So can I just fill in a little bit of schadenfreude for those people?

Okay, that was lovely. And then what happened? So, what did David say? Is David quite good at smoothing things over? Oh, he was brilliant. He was saying, oh, I don't mind it. Thanks. Solidarity, comrade.

Yeah, exactly. We're all in this together. So, I said Solidarity, comrades. Yeah, exactly. We're all in this together. So I said, well, I do mind it. And that's not fair. I'm not doing it. They bought David a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate cake. And I said, that cake looks nice. And they got me a fork.

So I could have some of that. I mean I'm so far I'm team Frank it feels like you could have turned up and they've said oh actually we're going to do an essay as well. Yeah actually you're changing the territory. We're hoping you can tell your story in modern interpretive dance. Here's some lycra and you can get changed behind the bar. And you're in some sort of Louis Spence figure

so one of them said do you I said coffee Kate lovely and he said do you want a drink

and I said well I don't know if I'm staying it's all a bit anyway oh god I feel sick it's interesting

because well never mind. Oh, no, I do mind. So the producer said, well, okay, we'll turn the cameras off. And I said, yeah, right. And she said, we've got to keep them on for the sound. And I said, well, can you turn them around? And she said, well, we'll put the lens caps on. I said, okay, put the lens caps on.

I mean, in direct contravention of what i've learned from raya and the last dragon who said trust everyone even though i wasn't having it so um it went on and and emily was just saying to me that most people the average person has gained 11 pounds during lockdown. I like to think I haven't changed that much. No, but again, I know there is a geek element to this, but I do feel that that's what's made me a geek. These people have created a monster. Well, I would say, OK, I think in your favour, in defence of you... Thanks.

..I would say... I'm going to get to music when you get to the bot at the end of the defence of me. You know I will. You know I will. Go on. I think there's a cleanness to that level of honesty. It's unpleasant in the moment moment but the elastoplast is ripped off and there's no doubt we all know where we stand which is great but well before you say this can i say i really i've become quite a champion of of radio despite being snubbed by the

arias um and the british podcast awards if we're going to bring that radio, despite being snubbed by the Arias and the British Podcast Awards, if we're going to bring that up. Oh, they all snub me, those people. And I think be proud of the fact... You know, radio's got a lovely, rich, intimate, verbal thing going on. Be proud of that. Don't feel you've got to film it and send photos of somebody holding a last elastic on social media in case the viewers

don't know what the listeners see i'm calling them viewers that's where we've gone to they don't know what elastic is it's like in local paper if i remember in my local paper there was a when i was a kid there was a bloke leaving a company that made metal tubes he was retiring and they had this story it's a clear enough story man retiring from company that makes metal tubes. He was retiring. And they had this story. It's a clear enough story. A man retiring from a company that makes metal tubes. They had a picture of him holding a carriage clock, the traditional retirement gift, in one hand, a metal

tube in the other. And he's outside the factory where all his colleagues were waving. And I thought, I got the story. You don't have to give me the visuals. So if you're in radio, be loud and proud. You don't have to give me the visuals. So if you're in radio, be loud and proud. That's all I'm saying.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I want to know more about the cafe, Frank. Well, look, you know, I did the interview. The cameras were switched off. I did the interview. I absolutely gave it my best shot. I even tried to defuse what I must admit was something of attention.

But I told an anecdote and I gesticulated quite a lot. And I said, oh, God, I'm really going for this. If only this was on camera. And I thought that will... Rub their noses in it. And then someone said, oh, yeah, hoisted by your own petard. And I thought, no, is it... It was a knowing humour.

Yeah, exactly. It was me acknowledging the sort of knot. They might have interpreted it as what we now call trolling. Yeah. How did hoisted by your Own Trod land with you? Well, by then I was in the, I mean, I was on the roll. I couldn't be bothered anymore. And also it was from someone, that was from one of the interviewers

who is an old friend of mine. I forgave him. Okay. who's an old friend of mine. I forgave him. Okay. And then at the end of it, it ended and there was no, very little in the way of thank you. Well, Dave got a great, got hogs.

I think there was some ticker tape for Dave. You know in cartoons when it rains on one person. That's what the ticker tape was on. That was on Dave. Dave got all the thank yous. But, you know, I did. I absolutely delivered, if I say so, I shouldn't. But it was orally and not visually.

That was the thing. And then a group of people gathered, several people. And I thought, what? Why are they here? Have they sent for security? Am I going to be menaced? And David Baddiel, you

will know, has written a book called Jews Don't Count, which I have to say is a really excellent read. And there was a queue of people with that book, as if it was a book signing. So at the end of the day And there was a queue of people with that book, as if it was a book signing. Oh, excellent. So at the end of the day, they get lost out because I had to sit there while people queued up

and didn't even, I don't think they even noticed I was there. Oh, they did, fine. No, they did. They just said, oh, this is such a great book. I love this so much. Who's that old man you're with? Who's that old man saying to the crew yeah right yeah yeah i wasn't actually

but you know i i promised that at the interview i did the interview so that's that's it's all right that's your story okay stick into it by the way um before we go to the outside world i i told you it was my son's birthday my my partner um kath decorated a cake for him um because i think on nine-year-old's cake market not many are asking for alice cooper which is Boz's current fave. And so Kath did an Alice Cooper cake. It was brilliant. Just the eyes, which is enough with Alice. I might post, I actually think I will post a picture of that

because it is worth seeing. But it made me think, and I'd be interested in people, there are some celebrities who you can do quite easily at a costume party do you know what i mean like halloween or whatever it is not i mean you couldn't do me where would you begin to do me how would you do george clooney how would you do you know or but there are some people i think i could perhaps did russell brand for example if i haired up a bit yeah yeah and like you know i'll put my shirt to the waist and all that i got long hair beads but there aren't many and alice cooper i think fits in that so um i don't know benny hill if you wore the beret and

spectacles yeah you're off Benny Hill. But you couldn't do Benny Hill in a floral shirt and matching tie, 70s suit. No-one would get it. It's tricky. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We had an email during the week that begins with an apology.

Forgive me for a midweek message. I don't think we have any rule on them. It didn't wipe me up. Don't apologise for... We're not like the Monkeys band. We all live in the same house. I listened to the podcast. That's why they've sent it midweek

rather than on a Saturday, I think is their point. There's a sauce called Frank's Hot Sauce, which is a chilli-based sauce that I enjoy greatly. I was imagining what type of sauce it might have been if it was made by Frank Skinner. Would it be a different flavour or type? Ooh, well, that's a tricky one, isn't it?

I always think of that blow. Well, that's a tricky one, isn't it? I always think of that bloke. Isn't there only really one proper success story from 95 series of Dragon's Dead? Is this Levi Roots? Yeah, what was the name of his stuff? Levi Roots. Berry, Berry Sauce or something like that.

Oh, there's only one other success story. It's the Tangle Tees man. Oh, I don't know. Mr Tangle Tees. Although, is that rejected or taken off? Is he a lady's hairdresser from the 1960s? Yes, you've probably seen the product, Frank. Tangle Tees.

Every woman in this studio will have, yes, Sarah has one, I have one, Faye has one. Yeah, I've got one. You've got one? I've got one in my house. What is it? What is a Tangle Tees tease it's a clever hairbrush it's a clever plastic hair brush uh it's very hard to explain we'll have to show you a visual image we'll

have to show you some visuals i think that's the only way out does it tangle and tease it detangles And teas. It detangles painlessly. Oh, well, and already it's deceptive in its title. Yeah. Yeah. I thought it tangled, as you would. It should be called untangled teas.

Anyway, you were talking... Tine teas, it could be called. What was I talking about? He was rejected and went on to make a fortune. Yeah, what was it called, though? It was called... It's a famous sauce. I've seen it at Lord's not lourdes reggae reggae reggae reggae sauce exactly so that i think is is the big hit most people just are sort of

humiliated and rejected yeah on the show yeah why we love it of course yeah um i you know what in the old days it would have been a super hot ski but i think it would be something quite It would have been a super hot ski, but I think it would be something quite... The best sauce in the world for me is mint sauce. And I put mint sauce on all the meats. Frank, I would... I will not be restricted to lamb. I 100% agree with you.

It's a wonderful sauce. It's a great sauce. And the texture. Oh! It's like God has allowed us to eat the tea leaves out the bottom of a pot, and it's nice. It's us to eat the tea leaves out the bottom of a pot and it's nice. It's when you get the tartness. I'm worried that there are sheep defence league people

listening to this for a few years. But I put it on all the meats, as I say, I'm a Democrat. Okay. So that's what I'd have, a sort of a mince sauce, which could be, I've never seen a squeezy mince sauce. No, it's too classy. No, that's what I'm going for. A squeezy mince sauce. Thanks, Sorted.

Thanks, Sorted. Yeah, and it's called making a mint. And it's a picture of me, like, you know, as a sort of a Ronnie Rich type figure, top hat and a cigar and all that's on the left. Well, I'm sorry to tell you I'm out. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I went to a crazy golf thing this week. It was called Pot Shack, right? I'm not doing an advert for it. I'm getting no money from Pot Shack. Don't panic. My manager's listening. He often wonders if I mention a brand name, if I've got a side thing going on.

I haven't. I haven't. So, and Pot Shack is, it was like a kid's party but they um it's crazy golf for the 21st century is what i would say how is it and get the get this get this you you you're given a ball at the beginning and when you put your ball on the tee, the tee puts your name on the scoreboard. It recognises your golf ball. That is clever, isn't it?

There are times when the modern world really delivers. Do you know what I mean? I mean, obviously, sometimes it does negative, but the times when you think, yes, we are living in the modern world. Like, for example, this week I saw an advert for a sort of a trident tap. I don't think it's called that,

but that's what I'm calling it. And it was three taps in one tap. Oh, be quiet. And one is cold water, and one's boiling water, and one is, wait for it, fizzy water. Oh, be quiet. Hold on!

Imagine having that in your home. But but you see i worry about the boiling water function for the for the drunks but i mean if you have someone drinking alcohol in the house i don't advise that well it's um yes when i used to drink um a very very heavily i used to go up in when i got up in the morning, I didn't dare risk holding a glass because my hands were shaking so much. So I would drink directly from the tap. Even though my mother told me as a child, never drink directly from the tap

because sometimes slugs come out unexpectedly. I never saw that. Yeah, but the good thing is your dad always carried a pinch of salt in his pocket. Yeah, exactly. Inevit never saw that. Yeah, but the good thing is your dad always carried a pinch of salt in his pocket. Yeah, exactly. Excusably for that. Exactly.

And also, if you, you know, feel that ill, you're not going to bother about a slug coming out. That would be devoured. Bit of protein to sort your hangover out. That's the only breakfast I'm going to have, you know,

until I open the Ricard. So, yeah, so I thought, anyway, that wasn't it. I was talking about the, and I was really impressed. I actually said, oh, brave new world that hath such crazy golf in it. Did Huxley reference land? No, it didn't. I think it's actually Shakespeare.

Oh, it is originally. You're absolutely right, Frank. So Shakespeare actually... You went OG on me. I like that. Shakespeare? What's OG? Original gangster.

You went Tempest. Is it Tempest? Yeah, so you could say Shakespeare invented In It. Which a youth of... Do youth know that they're quoting Shakespeare when they say In in it there? Oh, forsooth. Oh, yeah, exactly.

So, anyway, I was watching this crazy golf in awe when one of the children, and I said they're young, you know, they're nine and ten. One of them just picked the... He played a bad first shot. He just picked the ball up, put it straight in the hole, and the computer congratulated him for a hole in one. Wow.

Great reaction, that. There's not been a system yet invented that hasn't been gamed. No, I mean... Real life lesson. I thought maybe he'd misunderstood the word pot and thought you could just put it in the hole. But this elaborate, this arena of lights and sounds couldn't cope with a kid just dropping the ball straight into the hole.

The thing is, you can't unsee that. Do you know what I mean? Once you've seen a kid do that, I was despairing. Oh, sorry about that. It's exactly the technology that Hawkeye was invented for, surely. Yeah, well, you know, I must have told you when I went to a first-floor sushi restaurant once in Bournemouth and looked out the window and there was an overgrown crazy golf

and there was a clown's face big gaping clown's face covered in mildew and ivy and I thought goodness me that's a fabulous symbol of my career and now I find I go to crazy golf and it shows me the end

of traditional morality The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to tell my second child activity story of the morning. We also went go-karting on Sunday. Obviously, they just pushed them around the tracks. There was no fuel. But even so, it was a much... No, no, they found a bit of fuel.

I'm glad you were using the supplies on the cars. Well, there's a... But, you know, you've got to look after the children. If you look after the children, then you've got a happy life. And so they went round and round. It was quite noisy, and I inhaled quite a lot of carbon monoxide. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But I was worried about my... Did you get a little headache? I didn't, because luckily they had the antidote available there, which were bright blue slosh poppies. Do you remember those drinks? No longer called slosh poppies. What are they called now? Have they been rebranded?

They're called Star Slosh. Everything has to have a little celebrity. A little celebrity thing. It's like charity. If it doesn't have a celebrity it don't count no more. Has the graphic changed then? Because there was a little dog.

No, it's Sol's canine now. No canine. I think it's a star. I think it is. Have they removed the poppy from Slush Poppies? That was gone. I think the whole poppy thing, there's probably thought it was thought to be cruel or something.

The idea that somebody might um crush one like like ice so there might be a misunderstanding um yeah still taste um i mean brilliant brilliant in there you know there are no natural ingredients in it and there's some are some are very refreshing it's a lovely change from these. You know these drinks that tell you they're healthy and then when you actually look, they've got nine spoonfuls of sugar in it. It's upfront.

What you see is what you get with a star slosh. The SS, as I call it. I'm not the first person to say of the SS, what you see is what you get. Oh, for goodness sake. Imagine you in the branding meeting. Exactly. But I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. We had... We had those cakes, cupcakes, you know? You know what I'm talking about? Yes, I know cupcakes. I think cupcakes are the least uh appealing of all the cakes because the icing is just too much you get a cake i think if you get a cake that's say two inches high the icing should not be equally high. It should be less considerably. You know

when people say, oh that really puts the icing on the cake. Yeah, well with a cupcake what you're really doing is put the cake underneath the icing. Do you know what I mean? The icing is the dominant thing and it's not too much. I think ratio and food is

an important conversation that we need to be having more. I do. No one ever says... I had a very similar chat recently about one of those fancy sausage rolls that I felt was about 19 parts meat and one part pastry. It was just too much meat. Yeah, I've seen that. That is a trend in sausage rolls.

The thinning... Are you complaining getting too much value for money? Yeah, because if I want, I'll have a sausage if I want that. You have a sausage. Go on. You have your sausage. But I want the pastry to be a dominant thing as well, you know what I mean? I'm after democracy

in a sausage roll, not dominance. I'd like to... That's really put the cake under the icing This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio You referred to Absolute Radio as where real philosophy matters and John Hopkins

Hopkins? Yes has a tale regarding pastry ratios and a man in what he describes as an existential dilemma. OK. Finally, a radio show discussing pastry ratios. A mate once got a sausage roll from Gregg's

that was pure pastry. What? Do you know, how long has this producer been working on this show? In all this time, we've said some things. Yeah. I have never heard her gasp. No. Until now.

Maybe Greg's a very litigious and she's just worried. Yeah, maybe. What they've bought, what that person's bought is a roll. Yeah. John continues. He complained and they offered him a choice. A new one or keep the roll and have two free sausages. Oh.

I have never seen a man in such an existential dilemma. Even Jean-Paul Sartre. I mean, that is extraordinary. Yeah, that reminds me of when I took Boz to, I think it was Burger King, and the woman leaned across the counter and said to him, ice cream or toy? And I thought he was going to...

Ooh. I thought he was going to smoke coming out the ears. So what would you go for, Alan? If you were offered that choice, new one or two sausages to accompany the roll? Oh, God. I mean, first of all, I'd like about a year and a half to think about this,

but if I was to rush, I think I'd take the two sausages and put them into the empty pastry that's that sounds like a bargain then doesn't see what i'd do i'd have the two sausages and i'd hold them in the same hand as the roll like when you see a third world statesman doing a press conference and they gaffer tape some microphones together into a cluster and that's how i'd eat it i'd eat it like from the fist but with with the three shoulder to shoulder not i know sausages don't have shoulders but you know what i mean but you have a bit of everything i'm glad you came to me

frank this is a dilemma i mean it's one of the biggest ones I would ever have in my life. And I've had Shaquille O'Neal or the Arsenal player. I would say I'd go fresh. Would you really? I'd take that risk. I don't want to be clinging on to two sausages. It's not right for my brand. Well, there's a logic issue in this because what you feel is if you go

and I'll just have a new one, please, you feel you've lost something. But you haven't lost something. That's what you wanted and that's what you want in there for a sausage roll. Yeah. You're just, the ledger is level. It balances.

It's just that you've heard, oh, there's two sausages, and suddenly you've become confused. What you've done is, you've got greedy. Well, you've been, yeah, you've been, the other man's sausages are always greener.

Oh. And Greg, and Greg. That's how the adageer. Oh. And Greg. That's how the adage goes. I've heard that one before. But you know what I mean? Once you get the idea, it sounds better. But I think yours is the more balanced thing. But I like the third world statesman microphone cluster approach.

I think, you know, when it comes down to it, we all do. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Well, we're telling our helicopter anecdotes. Yeah, well, we're trying to piece together what went on with Liam Gallagher and the helicopter. I've only ever been in a stationary helicopter as a child at some kind of air show.

I've never flown a helicopter. I flew to loose women. Did you? Did you indeed? I heard that about you. I know, but you're very settled now. No, when it was in East Anglia, that's where they used to film it in Norwich,

or I think it was Norwich, and I said, I was asked to do it. And I said, well, you know, I don't really want to. That's the whole day, going to Norwich and back. And they said, we'll supply a helicopter. They lure you in with the heli. Yeah. And then I made one more demand,

which was a car to a Roman Catholic shrine that was nearby. You didn't. I did, which they supplied. That's extraordinary. Yeah, I don't think they got asked it that often, so they were probably all right with it. I wondered what it was going to be. Good to have balance, isn't it?

It is in a helicopter. But I've been in a few. The scariest helicopter ride I've been in, thanks for asking, is the Manhattan helicopter that encircles the it goes off to the Statue of Liberty and

goes round and round the head, really quite close to the head. That's a perilous one. And when you get off that, I mean I honestly had the wobbly legs thing. I'm thinking of my other helicopter things now. When I went to Silverstone for the British Grand Prix,

they helicopter you in as well. God, what life I used to lead. Now, I'm lucky if I get an off-peak bus pass to get somewhere. Last time I'd interviewed on the Zoe Bull Show, I got the bus in. No car. No car available. No car available.

So just in case, before you start hating me. If your agent will have up on your website, will drive sales. Well, yeah. No, I actually got the bus in. Lives near major bus routes is what's on there. Well, you know, I've what's on there to be fair the over 60s travel card

is ever at my side didn't cost me but you know adventurous Nana I met a few on the bus it was obviously Russia's early morning you know Russia or a Zoe Ball show I'm there with several commuters,

and they're going, like, you know, to their offices and stuff, and I'm on my way to be interviewed about my new stand-up tour on the Zoe Ball show. Yeah. Next. Is it the Zoe Balls? No, next stop, sir. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've been talking about LG as you were, Kiss I would like to draw your attention to another showbiz incident slash near tragedy that was avoided feat Nicole Richie Oh yes

She posted a picture or a video it was up on her Instagram account did feat Nicole Ritchie oh yes she posted a picture or a video it was up on her Instagram account of her celebrating

her 40th birthday and blowing out the candles on her cake I don't know if either of

you caught this I did yeah I mean her hair certainly did she's leaned

we'll do the football as tense she's leaned in she's leaned... We'll do the footballers' tents. Yeah. She's leaned in. She's leaned in. She's looked over the cake. Suddenly... But it was that moment that you get on the video

of her sort of, you know, blowing the candles, her heart, my birthday, and then the realisation that her hair's on fire. The scream. Yeah. Happily, she has not been hurt, but it was uh i'll tell you something i noticed it's a rubbish cake for nicole it's awful i'll tell you what it was like it had been done at snappy snaps it wasn't like ice through anywhere it just had like a picture that had been

somewhere sort of i don't know how they do it but like it been photocopied onto the eyes yeah come on it's nicole richie you know bob was it olaf it looked like it looked it was promotional olaf is from frozen oh okay yeah no it was her as a child was it yeah i'm sorry i thought it was ola it was i bet you i bet you the person that got the cake, Don, got a couple of key rings and a mouse mat with the same picture on it. Maybe a nice T-shirt that rips on first wear. Yeah, but it was... Oh, I thought that was... I really expected it to be nice. So she's on fire and I'm thinking, that's a very poor cake.

Yeah. Al, you can always tell because you're absolutely right, Frank. The icing looks impenetrable, doesn't it, on those cheap cakes? Yes. Well, yeah, I don't know. I just thought, you know, maybe the name Richie is putting the idea

of rich into my mind, but she must have money. Oh, yeah. I think so, yeah. I was quite I felt respect for to mondo that she was publicly celebrating turning 40 i don't see that as being something that sort of uh a beautiful celeb might do no i respect her i respect yeah i respected that i just thank god she wasn't hurt because you don't want to be you don't want the last thing on earth that you see is a snappy snaps, okay? Also, you don't want the last thing you hear

to be happy birthday, because, I mean, personally, I find that tune quite haunting at the best of times. Yeah. But also, yeah, there's just something, I don't like it. I don't like the idea of everyone gathered round. That's literally the last thing you hear.

No, maybe. Well, anyway, that didn't happen. She's all right. She's fine. It says that her husband also saw the funny side. He used Richie's close friend Paris Hilton's catchphrase when he commented, that's hot. Yeah.

Which I think he meant her head that was on fire. What I saw. I didn her head that was on fire. What I thought... I didn't know that that was a catchphrase, but it's a funny thing if you did it. Paris Hilton always said that. Well, no, there are two things about this. First of all, Paris Hilton has a catchphrase. Yeah, I didn't know that.

That's, you know, that's something other than can we do your room, please? Or would you like your blanket? Turn it back. It needs a bit of chocolate. But she's got a catchphrase. And also, it's that's hot. I mean, couldn't she use writers to come up with something?

Here's your catchphrase, Paris. That's hot. Oh, that's brilliant. I look forward to using that. Okay. That's my Paris Hilton impression. What do you think? It's good. Yes, i think it's okay the

taps are so complicated why do you turn to turn the shower into the tap water why is it so why does it look like dr octopus that the the bath sequence it's too complicated, Dad. Get a simple one. Get a mixer tap. Just like her. I think you'll agree. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I've got a question, actually, for you two. Oh, yeah? Especially, yeah, I don't know if you think of,

you think of yourself as being with it don't you? You're very with it are you with it? What would you say? No I'd like to rule myself out of any with it chat but let's have a go You'll remember a few weeks ago my gardener told me

precisely when the garden office craze began that was in 2012. 2012, I believe, yeah. When did the term second-hand get replaced by previously loved? I've noticed it about quite a bit now. Yeah. Previously loved clothing, I saw on a shop thing yeah thing yes and it even gets abbreviated at

pre-loved pre-loved i don't like the sound of at all no no that sounds very clinical and also i'm um yes i've had a dog i've had a dog pre-loved best to to get it. Sorry, I'll carry on. If we're being brutally honest, some things that end up on those auction sites, they're not previously loved. Like, I've sold a jumper because it's really itchy or something like that. Previously loved? It could actually...

Yeah, exactly. Despised? It's not a good seller, though, is it, to say previously loved? That's going to get people suspicious about it. Do they use it on dating sites, previously loathed? Oh, previously loathed, definitely. I'd use that on a dating site. I think most of us have been previously loathed and previously loathed.

Which the most do you think you've been? Be totally honest. Loathed. Oh, that's so nice, Frank. I'm not saying I haven't had my low thing that's always the end bit and it's hard to keep up low thing for a long period of time I think it's quite hard work because you remember snacks and stuff like you're right in the middle of it and then you go I could have some more love for a yogurt yeah I don't think i could have some malt loaf don't you is that a thing you do sorry i like it do you go sorry i like it a lot yeah sorry with that sort of very stylized pictures of grain

on the thing also serene has you ever considered branching out? I mean, it's lovely that you're doing well with the malt loaf, but they don't seem to do any other products. They must have. A man cannot live by malt loaf alone.

Do they? What else do they do? They do banana loaves and there's like little fruit loaves sometimes. Oh, man. Only loaves.

They're mainly in loaves. There's no two ways about it. Well, you know, I think it's... They're not doing any fishes, just loaves. Loaf specialists. What are you? I'm in the loaf business. there's no two ways about it well you know i think any fishes just love love specialists what are you i'm in the loaf business because i was in the loaf business for many years when i was

on the doll when my day differed from my night only in as much as a couch differs from a bed couch differs from a bed. Lovely. On the other thing of dates of social phenomenon, when did the garden centre become a vibrant hub of the local community?

It used to be a place. You know. Also, Frank, that's up there with, you know, we've talked about this before, shops that have no business selling certain items are in garden centres. Garden centres, no, you know, we've talked about this before, shops that have no business selling certain items. Yes. I mean, garden centres. Garden centres.

No, but people, they have cafes and playgrounds. I mean, for Pete's sake. That's why I used to go there. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So what about the John Lewis ad? I've seen it. We've seen it, have we?

I've seen it. Yes. We should just explain that it's called Unexpected Guest, but it's about an alien visit. I've read many, many sci-fi books and watched many sci-fi films. I would say don't take any driving lessons from an alien because so many alien craft crash.

It's unbelievable. There's so many. It's such a trope. You're so right. And this is another. They are the worst drivers. I don't know whether they're drinking. I mean, if I was in, do you think Elon Musk shouts at them,

when's your test, mate? Yeah, exactly. I hope so. What's this idiot doing? What are you waiting for, Christmas? That's what I'd say to this alien. So it's another crashed spaceship motif. And the interesting thing is you see a...

It is an E.T. type of theme in that it is a small boy befriends the alien who's crashed alone alien but you don't think we can be accused of spoilers here no no i mean you know it's 90s it's an advert let's not forget that what i would say is the boys on the boss is on a crowded bus and he watches this enormous fireball come through the sky it isn't picked up by Jodrell Bank, by Greenwich Observatory, or even the local police. No one investigates,

except for a local schoolboy. Everyone else thinks, oh, well, that'll just be fireworks. It isn't picked up by one other person on the bus. No, exactly. Everyone else engrossed. This is the problem with mobile phones. Who knows how many alien crashes we are missing?

Because we're looking at Doctor Who alerts. That'd be ironic, wouldn't it? Can we return to the subject of Ebanana Scrooge? And Marcus Radishford. Well, I noticed something, Al. Ebanana Scrooge in the Aldi... Aldi? Aldi? I'm happy with Aldi.

OK, in the Aldi adverts. I noticed, I was very pleased that he still sported the nightcap. Because as we know, Scrooge does sit very much in the nightcap chair. But I noticed something which I thought would have been very disturbing to Frank, Al. He went to bed in a dressing

gown. Yeah, I was confused about that because I wondered if it was his outdoor coat because he'd been dropped in through the ceiling or something like that. I tell you what worried me... It's very confusing. Well, they might have been making assumptions about the Aldi clientele

and thinking these are the sort of people that haven't put the heating on yet. Sleeping in an overcoat. Do you know what worried me out? I mean, Frank himself has talked about the issues he's experienced being garrotted by the belt in the night. Oh yeah. Sleeping in a dressing gown is a nightmare.

What's that going to do to a banana? What is that going to do to a banana? Can I mention... I'm going to go back to the anthropomorphic thing because at the end of it all the snowmen have got bananas for noses. I didn't notice that, have they? Morphic thing because the banana At the end of it all the snowmen Have got bananas

For noses I didn't notice that have they And they are bananas of a size Frank and I are discussing the directors cut We should have told you that a minute ago Emily So what does a banana Think about that Yeah

It's like you know if someone If I was playing Scrooge and they were using babies as noses on the snowmen, I'd be appalled, and quite rightly. But a banana is supposed to have learned some sort of compassion overnight. It doesn't care less about the bananas used as snowmen noses. I mean, it's so many mixed messages, I can't tell you. Well, they've also, they've abandoned the concept

of the Christmas past, present and future. It's too complicated. They've chucked it all out. They haven't got that long. I know they haven't, but still, don't do it then. If you can't do it properly, don't do it. They've just said, I'm the spirit of Christmas. Yeah.

Come on. What about Santa? Santa rejects the carrot for a mince pie. It's a great example for the kids. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I attended the carol service of the ABFC. Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Do you know, I was wondering how he was getting on. It's been a while since I've heard from him. Yes. Well, actually, my first... You know when you get your first Christmas card of the year? It was from the Archbishop of Canterbury. I mean, that's pretty good going, isn't it?

I mean... Pretty good going. There's an excommunication in the post probably if any of my if the parish priest hears this but still what does he say does he just sign it uh well him and and his wife sign it and it's just you know um i can't they don't they don't write a big message but um it's it's a lovely thing to get so i, do you know what? I was doing a reading at the ABFC's Christmas carol service. I was reading T.S. Eliot's The Journey of the Magi, which is, you know, three wise men story poem.

And I've got to tell you, Zina Baddawi said to me after that I read it better than T.S. Eliot. What about that on the posters, Al? Eh, for Edinburgh? My praise. So I did a preamble. It was a mini Frank Skinner Poetry podcast.

I did a little preamble. When you just read a raw poem straight out like that,'s hard if you're not familiar with it's quite hard to get everything or is there anything and i did there was two i started off um i tell you what i'm just gonna say what i said and i thought there was a bit of i perhaps i picked the wrong audience for this but i this is a true story when you say that it always means you have it's a true story um i i we got we got our nativity scene out ready you know for part of our christmas decorations we got a little nativity scene which i bought in new mexico many years ago and the baby jesus has gone missing we can't find the baby jesus which is obviously quite

a big um omission from a nativity crucial it's like those elvis the concert things when all the backing musicians are there from the original memphis shows but you know there's just a gap in the middle of the state so i came down this is how i told it so i came down, this is how I told it. So I came down the next morning. You told us to the congregation. To the congregation, yeah. So I came down the next morning, and where the crib was, Baz, my son, had put a crucifix instead. And I thought, spoilers.

And some people laugh, but with some some people there was a real sense of, no, I'm not having that. And obviously it was meant, you know, it was meant in the nicest... I think that is a very fine joke. No, but the reason I... It wasn't a joke, it's true. It's true. It's funny because it's true. Yeah, but the reason I told it is that poem talks about, well, were we at a birth or a death?

And it's the three wise men talking about this baby being born to, you know, what happens to him after and all that. So it sort of led me into the, come on. I also, I thought this was a good joke that got nothing. It was one of these, you must have done this, Al, when you do a joke and then you actually say, I thought that would have gone better. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but Frank, that's all you do. You say, oh, I can't believe people didn't laugh at my jokes. But listen to this. I said, there's three wise men, they're moaning about what a really tough journey and how difficult it was. They're due to that. They're really moaning the poem.

You sound like you think they're in Wetherspoons or something, just three old men moaning. I don't think about the motorway, I tell you what, mate. The pile of... But it is like that. I'm going to read it in a minute if you're not careful. So anyway, I said, you know, they moan about getting into Bethlehem and how difficult...

And I said, we all know how difficult it is to get last-minute accommodation on a bank holiday. Lovely. And I don't think anyone got the bank holiday joke. And I thought, oh, I thought if this was a Catholic crowd, they'd have ruled. Well, you said you don't think they got it. I think you got a tough crowd.

Were they not, they weren't laughing enough? No, they weren't. It was, they sensed a joke. They sensed the rhythm of a joke, but they could find no joke. Oh, Frank. Still, I read it better than T.S. Eliot. You may recall, Frank,

I once had an issue, which I discussed on this show, with the song lyric, Er lie in the morning. Oh, yes. Do you remember that? Is it Er lie or is it E lie in the morning. Oh yes. Do you remember that? Is it Er lie or is it E lie in the morning? No, it's Her lie. And that's what I objected to, is that it's sort of

pirate speak and they don't attempt the pirate speak in any other part of that. So it's just, what shall we do with a drunken sailor? Er lie in the morning. Yeah.

Similarly, discuss we three kings of Orient, comma, are. I'm not having that. They abandon that structure elsewhere in that. Well, I think, you know, you've got to get the rhyme. You've got to get the rhyme, love. No, that's... Spoken like someone who truly appreciates poetry, though. Well, I mean, trying to rhyme something with Orient

is a horrible night. What about if Magic FM, for Christmas, changed their name to Magi FM? They could just put, like, father christmas face over the sea on all their advertising i mean that would be great wouldn't it major and every show presented by three presenters at the same time and then they could have magic gold which i think does that already exist magic gold magic gold magic frankincense and magic myrrh. Come on, guys, make it happen.

And as for Pret-a-Mange, they're missing a trick. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.