The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2021- Part 2

Episode Date: January 1, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Some of the best bits from 2021 including Elton John at The Brits, the build-up to the Euros final, Frank’s worst holiday and the new manager at ShoeZone.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Oh, don't forget this morning's texting. Corned beef. In what way? Corned. I know the answer to that. Do you know the answer?

Go on then. Go on, you can be our first entry. Let's be having you. It's nothing to do with corn. It's a salting process, but I'm not sure why it's called... Nothing to do with corn? What kind of talk is this? Really?

I thought it was like, you know, the corn-fed chicken that's fed so much corn it goes sort of yellow. You know that thing? Yeah. Like I was at a publicity event with the Page 3 stoner, Maria Whittaker. And she went up to the thing and she said, oh, I'll just have just carrot juice for me.

I don't want anything to eat. And I thought, that's how you do it. That's how you get that. This is before the day of the tanning shop. You just live on carrot juice and your orangeness comes from within, like a Jaffa cake. I that's true you know i had a friend who got really into juicing he turned a bit orangier yeah there's orange he's having juiced carrots all the time that's what david dickinson just has lucas aid all the time that is not true and i won't allow it he's is he in the orange chair still oh i should think he's i don't know if he is now who would

be in the orange chair that's no he is in the orange it'll be someone from the island of love is that what it's called no love yeah the isle? Oh, and now we go over to the Island of Love. Hi. Whereas when you get to Love Island, oh, she's a bit of all right, isn't she? It's all that terrible. I guess so. Oh, sorry, I'll be all right in a minute.

I like the Benny Hill characters on Love Island. She's a bit all right. So corned beef does not involve corn. I'm sure one of our readers will tell us the exact process, but as far as I'm aware, it does not involve corn. It's a salting process. Is there any other corned meats? No-one ever says,

I wouldn't mind a nice corned lamb sandwich. You're pushing at the wrong door number here. Okay. Corned beef is, I don't think, I honestly think I've never eaten corned beef. Oh, man, I love corned beef. Alan? I love it.

Every week on the Ocado. I know we've gone Ocado in these times of lockdown. When it says, there's a section that says meat and there's sliced, fresh sliced beef and next to it, corned beef. And that moment when you press corned, you think, yeah, come on, party. They had a meeting about that at a cardo.

They went, we've had a corned beef order for leafy North London. Yeah, to a trench somewhere in verdon um yeah no other excellent fun by the way emily that they had a meeting oh lovely alan well i had a i got these chickpea crackers they're very sort of super healthy and they come from a place where they're you know they're made by people who are not treated badly at work and all that sort of stuff.

And I've got these things. You know, they've got little sunflower seeds on them and I had corned beef on them and I thought this is a fabulous sort of class fusion meal that I'm having. I still love made by people who are not being treated badly at work

well how many coplies would could put that on their wrappers with with no sort of oh you're sure about this i don't put my uh put my head on the chopping block on this one dave the best of frank skinner absolute. There's a pedal bin. This isn't the beginning of a dramatic monologue. Like, you know, there's a green-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu. It's not that. There's a pedal bin in the kitchen here,

which I've been walking around for weeks now trying to find the pedal. Everything about it says pedal bin. I cannot find the pedal. Do you know the bin I mean? I don't go into the kitchen. Oh. Well, the pedal...

Sorry, that didn't mean to come across quite so Lady Brighton. No, I go into the kitchen. I do not enter the kitchen area, Algernon. I don't know if it's broken or someone made it. I don't know if it's broken or someone made it. I don't know, I understand, but it's... May I moot something?

Is there a possibility that it's actually one of the ones that you wave at? Has it got a little sensor where you just wave your hand across it? What do you think? Is this some sort of TARDIS? When I've been walking around it on my pedal search, why hasn't it just come because I've been there? We absolutely don't have these modern... I think you need to wear a hand nearer it. Oh, pedal bin, where is thy pedal?

If it's your business, I don't like to meddle. I don't know where that... I don't understand it. I'll ask the bosses here. We all stir here. Actually, I'll get the producer. Can you go and check the pedal bit and step on it? See, I didn't really want to do it. I just wanted to do that joke.

Okay. I would never talk to the producer like that. No. Frank Skinner, Audio broadcaster of the year open brackets nearly close brackets so

here's the thing gather ye round for this we get a lot of readers in Scotland sometimes we forget them well this is especially for you guys if you feel like dancing

this morning just do it take your partner and swing them around. And let's come back again, shall we? Yeah. Lovely. Wait for it, wait for it. Here comes the punchline.

Absolute radio, where real music matters. REE, you see? Oh, I see. Yes. I liked it, Frank. Oh, God. See, some people would have just thought, I'll just throw that in,

but no, no, we had to get the music and everything. What was that? That reminds me of that lovely show in the 70s I used to watch. Oh, the White Heather Club. Oh, was that it? Yes.

Oh, yeah. It'd be lots of dancing on that. It was before people... Jimmy Logan. Oh, I've just come dune from the Isle of Skye. Sorry about the... And it was before women all sort of tended to dye their hair after the age of 60.

So it was a sea of white and grey. Yes, lovely. The pensioners dancing. That was the Earl of Arles reel, if you're interested. I don't know if my family know him. No. Clive Silas. Yeah, he's golden.

Well, he's one of our regulars. And it's interesting you should say he's golden, because he's actually responded to my query, who currently sits in the orange chair. And Clive has, of course, reminded me, I know we don't have to talk about him every day anymore. Oh, yeah, you're right. Donald Trump sits in the orange chair.

Trump continues to sit in the orange chair. Thank you. How soon we forget. That's showbiz. Yeah. I mean, Joe Biden is not Sol's or Olsh. I think it's fair to say. Well, he's not Sol sans heterosplanned either.

Is that right? That's OK. We've all got to chill out. I had a text from a friend this morning who said Joe Biden's had one of his falls. I used to do material about it. I fell over on the South Bank. You did?

And people used to say, did you have one of your falls? By the way, Alan suggested that corned beef goes well with tomato in our mid-music chat, and I was just pointing out that I don't really eat tomato except for medicinal purposes. I would never, I have never in my life thought, oh, I could kill a tomato.

Do you think anyone has ever thought that? Alan, your views, please. Yeah, yeah. OK. Well, I'd say... OK, I would say... I would like to add to this. I like tomatoes, providing...

Mm? ..they're cooked. Oh, well, that's cheating. I would say tomatoes in the film food world are extras. They're just extras. They are not named. Are they non-speakeys?

They're non-speakeys. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Ooh, I'll tell you what I did this week. I went to the Beano exhibition at Somerset House. Somerset House is in London, a large conurbation in the south-east of England.

And, yeah, it was... What are you laughing at? I just think it's quite funny. And yeah, it was... What are you laughing at? I just think it's quite funny. Well, I do. The clash of beautiful architecture and comic enjoyment. Well, there's a lot of beautiful architecture in Beano Town, let me tell you. I can imagine. You should see Lord Snooty's castle.

Is it sort of etchings of Gnasher or sort of sculptures? There's some etchings of Gnasher sort of there's some matches of nasher yes walter the softy there's a sculpture of um the three bears sausage and mash stack it's really very i mean i have to say i did i did some great dadding the other day because we went i took i took my nine-year-old boss we went to the bino exhibition he got to fire a digital catapult at major works of art, firing fruit and vegetables. Come on. That's good.

And then we went to part one of the Harry Potter play, which obviously he loved. What a day. Yeah, then we did Forbidden Planet, then McDonald's, then part two of the Harry Potter play. I mean, come on. Oh, I'll tell you something else. They had the first ever copy of the Beano,

Beano number one, I believe it's called. And the cover star in those days was an ostrich called Big Ego. Oh, I've done a few of those. Yeah, well, exactly. I've known people that actually pronounce the word ego as ego. So I don't know if it was a pun. I mean, I'm guessing in the ostrich context,

it's about laying big egos. Yeah. And I've also done that a few times. Right back at you. Yeah. And I've also done that a few times. Right back at you. Yeah. But there was some interesting research about Big Ego. He had a good run. He did 10 years on the cover of the Beano. And then they did some audience research. This is serious. And the audience said they struggled

to identify with a bird. That's what I get on this show. And they'd prefer a mammal that they could identify with. I read the actual report said

that they prefer characters with forelimbs like themselves, which is a bit... You wouldn't get away with that now. And so, as a result of this research, Big Ego got... Will you stop saying Big Ego? Like it's a normal thing. Big Ego got sacked.

And Biffo the Bear, open brackets, mammal, closed brackets, was introduced. So that is an interesting piece of comic reasoning. They can't identify with a bear. They need a mammal. Imagine that meeting. There's Biffo the Bear. Bears, are they mammals? Look that up

Jane, will you? That's not normally the question, the rhetorical question that people ask about bears, but there you go. No, exactly. No. No. Well, I think birds do that as well. They're all out of here. It was all very fine.

I'll tell you what, we was in McDonald's and it suddenly occurred to me, Buzz had his usual, the usual please, Geoff. He had the Happy Meal. Toy! Does he have the equivalent of a tankard behind the bar? Yeah, exactly. That'd be great. If he had a sort of enameled small fries container. But I was... He had a Happy Meal. Toy! And he said, you get the choice, book or toy.

And my heart went into my mouth, but no, he went toy. But can an adult buy a Happy Meal? Would they sell me one? Oh. I think maybe they've decided that. It's one of the great questions of modern life. I think happiness they've considered to be so unusual amongst adults that there's no point marketing the Happy Meal at them.

The morose meal, the morose snack is what there should be a box like that. You know, sometimes in pubs you ask, can I have the child, something from the child menu, and they'll say no if you don't have a child. There's no logic to that, surely. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just reminiscing about the choke on a car and how to use it.

Any younger people listening, just trust me on it. It's the thing that you pulled out or pushed in. If there's any organists listening, you'll get a sense of it. Is there one on there? Well, they pull out the stops, don't they? That's their thing. Is that where the phrase comes from? I believe so, yeah.

They don't drive the younger people. Don't they? No. No. I think they do. No, I think there's a record low in people taking their driving test, apparently. Because they have the bike and they're very environmentally friendly. Skate skateboard of course oh yeah the pogo stick the electric scooter thing and those middle middle-aged men you see on those little children's scooters going around oh what

do you make of them i think they're fine fine people did you watch the Brits this week? I'm still getting over the way you said five. Did somebody arrive on a scooter? No. I don't think they did. I can't remember. Somebody arrived on a tube train, I think. We've had someone in touch re the Brits, though.

It's Matthew, who says following Frank's who knew moment after he discovered Little Mix the other year, I just wondered if Frank had watched The Brits this week and did he have a Who Knew moment this year? Very fine work on The One Show, by the way. The owls were cute, but Frank had better lines. Well, there were owls. I'll tell you what they did to me on the one, in case you didn't see it. At the end, they read

out about five or six viewers' texts about things they'd liked on the show, which didn't include me. It included a bit of footage of owls in bright daylight, which must have been the BBC saying, the bloke must have

said, they're nocturnal. Just get, we can't film at night. Can you just get them out? Isn't that a bit like when people are kept awake by enemy armies? Yeah, I think it was sleep deprivation torture of owls. They must have looked terrible.

They must have had very puffy eyes. Owls in bright daylight, I mean that can't be right, can it? Peter Stringfellow in bright daylight. You know what it's like with these camera crews? Yeah, the thing is, we can't hang around all day, mate. So anyway, so they read out these texts at the end saying, oh, I love James Corden, he's brilliant. Oh, and they weren't, you know, I love the wildlife.

Nothing. And I said to them, if I'd have been hosting the show, I would have made one up about me, I was the only person there, it was only me and them everyone else was on video Did the owls turn up in person? No, even the owls manager

arranged for them I think there was a stoat or something in the same footage and they got praise you know, big up for the stoout nothing for me i would have made that up personally you know it's all about the word guest is the key you'll be intrigued so what's the brits um which had which featured which i think almost now already legendary version of It's a Sin by Sir Elton John, whose version was...

I think he had one of those, you know those clamps people used to have on their teeth to stop them eating? I think he's working in one of them at the moment. But Olly Alexander did the main lead vocal who's the guy from the uh the drama he seems like a boy he sings like a boy he said i didn't even know he was a singer yes he was in a band wasn't he but there is a problem i have with it's a Sin. You know the bit that goes... I always go, baby, I love you. And it absolutely leads you into the Barry Manilow.

Has anyone done a nice little remix of that? I don't know, but if there's anyone out there who knows the buttons, you can have that one on me. Is he drowning? He's drowning! He's drowning! Get someone out and drown him! Oh, God. This is the best

of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We, on this radio show, were given letters a few months ago. Not lettuce, letters, saying that we're key workers. Yeah, I know. I'm very proud of it. If you're a broadcaster, apparently, there's an element of good morning Vietnam.

You know, we're, again, in the war zone, still broadcasting. And I noticed that the audience said, it's all key workers tonight. And I thought, oh, really? I don't think I got the... Oh, Frank, for heaven's sake. I think it was NHS, wasn't it? Yeah, it wasn't just NHS.

Look, I'm not begrudging the NHS, but, you know, there must have been the odd single seat. They always say that. There's always a single seat empty somewhere. You can't go on your own. I'd have gone on my own, sat with the NHS. Imagine sitting there going, I've had this thing in my shoulder.

Any ideas? No, you'd be going there going, hello, Frank Skinner, key worker. Can you let me through, please? Key worker! It's a good job there were some nurses in the audience for Elton. How did he

look, Elton? Did he have one of his nice Versace jaquitos? He looked good. No shell suit. Sans shell he was. Well, I suppose in lockdown he's been wearing tracksuits all the time, so it's nice to get dressed up. He's had enough of them, Al. No, I thought he looked pretty good, actually.

He looked like one of those, you know, those sort of older American stars who sort of age gracefully. I think the piano is better for an older man than the guitar. Yeah. Sitting down, you know, someone to lean on yeah yeah so we work well on that and uh of course he's next to ollie alexander who looks like he weighs seven stone and he's in tremendous shape and sings like a boy like a boy so he's uh it's a tremendous you what, it was a night very... I've never seen so many collaborations. It was a collab fest.

Was it? Who else did they have? Oh, it was always... You know, there were always people like Tyro Z and MC Mingle. They're all cool and stuff. I don't know. MC Mingle's in a lot of collaborations. Yeah, he's good, MC Mingle.

Very gregarious. He's a real social butterfly. Yeah, he is, right? Yeah. And MC's actually his initials. He's like H. Samuel. It's like Martin Christopher Mingle. But Martin Mingle, he thought,

people didn't take him seriously in the in the grime world so he went for MC I like the idea of a people Martin

but I love Martin Mingle now with who no you guys not an option not an option in the grime

universe yeah but good luck to him. He's fictional. Why am I wishing him good luck when I just made him up? It's like being God.

Think of them and you're going to start being nice to them straight away. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, dear, I've got emotional with my own song. Forgive me.

And this... Oh, God! Do you know I love this? It's because there was a bit of footage on the telly of Rome and I thought, oh, my God, are we going to win? Anyway, Frank Skin, oh my God, are we going to win it? Anyway, Frank's getting Absolute Radio,

Emily Dean, Alan Cochran, text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show

via the Absolute Radio website. Ah, football. 682 has brought you back down to earth with one of the clichés that comes up

whenever that song is played by you. Royalties are rolling in, Frank, well deserved. I mean, we do get a lot of royalties rolling in. We've had a few other people... Well, I'll tell you who's taken it one further is one of our regulars has, Duncan Edward, has said visions of Frank in a swimming pool of cash, like Scrooge McDuck.

The royalties are surely coming home too. I'm always saying, people, I mean, you'd be surprised how less. But yes, it does get mentioned a lot. My manager was saying this week that David Baddiel phones him about it once a week. Well, he's a money-saving

expert, as we know. Reader866 has asked a searching question that I like. It's a bit more interrogative than about the financials. Dear Frank and the gang, for the last few weeks, I've been woken up by the dulcet tones

of Badil, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds. The one question I have is this, Frank. How is your voice so high-pitched in the song compared to now? Honestly, I have no idea what's happened. I don't remember you having a high-pitched voice in the 90s, though I was only five when the original Three Lions song came out. Well, I think that there's a basic misunderstanding there of the difference between the spoken voice and the singing voice.

I mean, if you meet Alan Jones, he doesn't say, how are you, friend? It's a different thing that he takes on. He really should. No, if he did, I'd love him for it. And he'll get a shot when he meets Sarah Brightman. He says to me. She doesn't say, hello. Alan Jones said to me that at Christmas, he would still say about 85% of his Christmas cards have got snowmen. People think, oh, I bet no one else has done this. Oh, yeah. But I went to a party in Cardiff many years ago. And he was there.

It made me really happy that he was there. One of the great joys i think is the cliched view of celebrities and public figures is when they do exactly what you want them to do oh yeah yeah like we had um i me and dave some of our older listeners will know i did a tv show called fantasy football and we had chas and dave on because they'd done a few football songs themselves. Spurs are on their way to Wembley. Tottenham's going to down it again. And they were late arriving. Frank, sorry, do you remember they did that terrible song?

She won't stop talking while I give you a rest. Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. She's got more rabbit than Sainsbury's. Anyway. Sorry, meanwhile. They were late for filming, Chas and Dave, and we got a frantic call from the researcher who'd picked them up from the station

to say that they'd made him stop off at a pie and mash shop. And I thought, I'm all right with that. I don't mind the whole thing being delayed. That is so what should happen. Brilliant. If you've ever seen a public figure exactly in the context you want them, let us know.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Good morning to you both. Morning. And indeed to all our readers this morning. Are you Scottish? All our Scottish, Welsh and Irish... Morning. And indeed to all our readers this morning. Our new Scottish listeners. All our Scottish, Welsh and Irish, they're all gathered around waiting to hear me in Sack.

I'm going to be honest with you guys. I genuinely thought it was coming home. That's what I thought, right? Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. wing ho that's what I thought right never mind it was it was a fabulous adventure did you cry Frank I didn't cry you know what my son cried um but I um I knew it said on the menu, post-match Sheppard's Pie. And that, for me, just kept me above water. Had the tears of May. Yeah, yeah.

I thought, that's where I'm going. I was gutted for a couple of minutes. Buzzcrank. It's happened to me so many times. I mean, people keep going on about 96. My first example of it that sticks in my mind was the 1970 World Cup quarterfinal. I remember losing that to Germany and going into the garden after on my own

and just kicking a little plastic ball around solemnly. And the neighbour said, too late now. As if if I'd done it earlier that could have somehow uh saved the day we're in Mexico for goodness sake lovely sensitive people sorry the neighbour implying that you were in training for the next tournament well too late now suggested that i was somehow trying to contribute to um this game that had just slipped away from us but you do get used to it i say buzz absolutely cried um i think that's forgivable in a child oh yes in a child i also i respect your stoicism of going well there's pie

yeah oh it's a bit of a tear somewhere as well. It was not disappointing, the shepherd's pie. So was the pie laid on by the FA? Well, on this occasion, in this tournament, you might think me and Dave get tickets easily, but we've had to do a bit of scratching around. And in the previous game, for example, we were not in any sort of VIP. We went in the catch COVID areas.

Hang on, were you not? Because Tom Cruise and Kate Moss were on the guest list. They were in the Royal Box. Were you in the Royal Box? To be fair, they're massive football fans, both of them. And also, I mean, for the Denmark game, Boz spent a lot of the time standing on the back of the seat in front because there are blokes at football

who just stand up regardless of the seating. And they do that thing of slightly looking around. Nobody, I'll stand up. Those blokes. You know when you wish you'd got an elephant gone and the morality could be parked forever. But anyway, so I had to stand stand buzz on the back of the seat now you don't want a shot of kate moss doing that with tom cruise because he's going to feel humiliated but it was so we and for the final we were in the uh the vip what was the meal

was that that's a strange that must have been like the sort of republican camp with uh rudy giuliani and donald trump after the last election did it have that feel to it it had a feel of i tell you what i think that they'd gone well interestingly post the germany game it was um sausages and the sauerkraut in the VIP area now that suggested to me that that was not an optimistic caterer no because we were talking about Neil Diamond who's been on our lips for much of this tournament because of his rival song yeah and Dave I didn't know that Neil Diamond was Jewish Dave has a list of all the Jewish people in the world, celebrity-wise. And he's known as the Jewish Elvis, Neil Diamond, which I didn't know.

Oh, how lovely. And the next day, I sent a thing about I didn't see Neil Diamond at the game and all that. And Dave texted back, well, I don't think he'd have liked the sausages and things. I believe he's kosher. And I texted back, what about Crackling Rosie? Which is one of his tracks. And Dave never replied. So I was a bit miffed. So I pulled him up about it at the final.

I said, I thought that was a good joke. And he'd come up with some trumped-up excuse for not replying. I pulled him up about it at the final, when England played Italy. Your priority was, why didn't you give me sufficient love for that joke? I'll tell you what, I'm a bloke. I don't look any lumps in the carpet.

Do you know what I mean? I like everything nice and smooth and sorted, and then I can relax. It was OK, we sorted it out. We're all friends. There's a lot of love there. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Frank. Mm-hmm. What else happened to you when you were a little week away? I'll tell you what happened. What happened is I rented a place for the family.

Yeah. I'll be honest with you. It turned out to be arguably the worst holiday I've ever had, but we won't. Let's not. Let's not. We don't really want to go. Oh, God, if I get this close, I know I'll keep going. I mean, you have in the past aired dirty laundry as sort of comedy entertainment. No, but this was so me.

We got to a point at the end where my partner said she'd had a discussion with her sister to say that they thought family holidays were no longer a viable proposition because of me. Right. That was a difficult conversation to have. But anyway... Did she say that?

Well, I think it's a group decision. Have they all been there? What have you been doing? I don't know. I think of myself as a very nice man. Do you? Right. Anyway, so...

Well, I have the same problem. I think of myself as a very nice man and then lots of people have severed contact with me. No, me too. I think we're all quite difficult. Maybe it's pizza and pop. Do you? Do you think we're all quite difficult and objectionable?

Maybe. I don't know. Why do people find us tricky? I want to be a nice man. No, we're not. I think we're just high maintenance, maybe. I think I'm going to find out that they are continuing to have family holidays, but not telling me.

The producer is on the floor. I can always mind the dog, I suppose, as that's turned out. Were you starting arguments with people? I don't... I think maybe you were. But not... No, I... Come on.

I just think when you're in a relaxed... Look, I'm not going to go into details because I don't want to open any wounds, but I just think when you're... That sounds like you might have spent a week doing that. When you're on holiday, you know, you want to relax a bit. And start a few brows. Anyway, there are some situations, I said this,

there are some situations where you make people happy by arriving and some where you make them happy by departing. And I think when I left, I had to leave early to come home for the radio show. I think I heard whooping. It could have been the engineoping it could have been the engine it could have been the engine sound but i think i heard like a big you know um if you went someone past someone's house the day andy murray won wimbledon you'd have you know you hear that cheer go up when it happens from people just spontaneously happy is Is it? I think I heard that as I left.

You see, I would say in some ways, the laughter you bring, you know, you've got to pay a little tax on that. Well, I don't know. Do people pay too much tax, maybe? I don't know. Yeah, I think it's a tithe system I've introduced. I don't know what's going to do now.

I don't know. I don't know who else am I going to go on holiday with. I'll have to be a holiday alone. Why don't the three of us, given that we seem to upset people, we should just all go together? I think Al's still doing the family holiday. Oh, yeah. He gets, yeah.

Yeah, I am. Oh, guess what his response to that was anyway it's um you remember when I said I did the book club with my family and it was such a tense difficult and remember that yeah but I'd never ever to the book club again well here we are what they said was we can't do it anymore. The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself. Holidays, holidays, book clubs and holidays.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Christophe... I don't know if Christophe is one of our regulars, but I feel like he should be. I like the sound of him. Surely, Christophe says, Christophe implores, surely you have to discuss the appointment this week of Mr Boot replacing Mr Foot as the head of Shoe Zone.

We've had other correspondence, Al, haven't we? Oh, many. Callum in South Shields said, I'm sure none of you have ever stepped inside a shoe zone, but it was announced today that finance boss Peter Foot walked away from the role to be replaced by Terry Boot. Nominative determinism for sure, but more interested to know what Emily Dean makes of the store as a whole. Well, you're witness. I'm sure none of you have ever been in there.

I'm sure I have. I'm sure you have as well, Al. For a start off, it's one of the best shop names, I think. There's something about the use of zone on it, which gives it a sort of sci-fi, twilight zone. And also that thing, you know, a friend could phone you, how are you doing, Frank? Oh, I'm in the zone today.

Oh, are you writing some great gags? No, I'm buying some brown slip-ons. I really like the zone. The shoe zone. I hope they advertise it like that. I think that's what I... When you go in the shop, you could go, you are entering the shoe

zone. Sorry. Sorry, Anne. I'd like the front doors to be like the Close Encounters spacecraft doors when you enter. I think that's what doors to be like the Close Encounters spacecraft doors when you enter. I think that's what they should be like. Well, can I say, I looked up Shoe Zone,

because I hadn't been in there, you're quite right. You looked it up. The only reason I haven't been in there is I got so many free shoes when I was doing television. More of your relatable material. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but there's a twist to it that goes, it's not so much fun, that I've reached an age

where I now have enough shoes to last me. Let's put it that way. Oh, that's cheery. Yeah, exactly. So I looked at one, I particularly like one of the shopper reviews, which is one of those reviews which, it's not derogatory, it's nice, but you know, if you looked at it,

it's like I do a poetry podcast, and it's an element of that. There's a sort of an echo underneath the main theme. So this is what the shopper review said. Low prices, and the shoes are good quality and comfortable and then the last bit and the majority

look great now of course all I want, this is a bloke who's or a woman who's totally into shoes that I really want to see the minority that don't look great in this person's because I feel that they're

you know, they're giving Shoozo and the Benefit of the Doubt, but the ones that even they could not include in the blanket praise those are what I want to see The majority look great Yeah, if only we could say that of the human race If only we could say that of the human race If only we could say that of this show

Let's be honest Well, you're always very well turned out Like an upside down cake This is the best of Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Mr Boot, the new main man We haven't said actually what happened, the takeover. Peter Foot left, quote, open quotes,

unexpectedly, close quotes, after seven months. I think, to be fair to Shoe Zone... Oh, not a sentence I've ever heard before. Very like many shops have been hit by the COVID thing. So it's probably tough at the top and at the bottom, I would have thought, at Shoe Zone at the moment. Strange PR line. But Peter Foot...

I'm hoping they'll send me a pair of their less attractive ones. So thank you. Just to see what that constitutes. That's what gets me. Big sort of clumpy executioner shoes. Very, very uncomfortable. Executioner.

Agony, absolute agony, just to go to the bathroom. I'm sure they don't sell. The reviews are excellent for shoes, and come on. The most unconvincing. Come on, you've ever given. Anyway, Mr Boot has taken over with immediate effect.

Okay. And he came from the company of master jewellers. Is that right? Yeah. They've got to be Freemasons. Yeah, he's been replaced by Jasper Carrot. Get a jingle on for that, quickly. That's worth a jingle, Frank, come on. I'll tell you what, I'm slightly worried that Mr Boo is about...

I think with nominative determinism, you have to let it happen. I think if you make it... It's a bit like the Lenny Lottery approach to nominative determinism, you have to let it happen. I think if you make it, it's a bit like the Lenny Lottery approach to nominative determinism. It has to just be in the ether. I was looking at his CV, Mr Boot. What are you being up to? What are you doing? And he worked for Brandtana, which is a shoe place,

and then he worked for Jones Bootmaker. So I think he's been waiting for this story forever. He's changing jobs just to get this story. Have you been on his LinkedIn page? Yeah. I bet you he wears the Monopoly boot on a chain around his neck. That's the kind of guy we're talking about. Oh, that'll be his medallion. Yeah.

When journalists come to do, when journalists from trade newspapers come to interview him, they'll say, what do you wear to bed at night? And you know, like Marilyn Monroe famously said, why Chanel number five, of course. Yes. You know what he'll say? Inevitably.

He'll say, he'll say my little monopoly boot oh yeah see i'd be all right sleeping in a monopoly boot i think because i never sleep i never ever sleep on the central reservation i think well that's that's proven i um i never sleep on my front the only time i've ever lay on my front in bed, it's all right, it's going to be okay, breakfast radio, is when I've had an argument. And if I've had an argument with someone in bed, I always lay on my front. I don't know why.

It's a sort of a, there must be some body language thing going on that I've wanted to disappear into the world of the mattress. Do you sleep on your front, Al? I'm taking the fifth on this question. I sleep on my side. Yes, that's the place for sleeping. OK. OK.

So, yeah, I like it. But to me, the slight nominative determinism thing has been impaired by a sort of making it happen kind of thing i'll tell you what my son went back to school this week and he polished his shoes and i was thinking i haven't polished my shoes probably for 20 years and that was in a hotel where they just had polish and i thought i might as well use it to get my money's worth. Do you polish your shoes, Al? No. There you go. It's died out. Well, that was a fairly comprehensive survey you took of the population. It died out. I'm going to be honest, though, and this does make me sound like 150 years old. I don't even know if women polish their shoes. Is

that a thing that women do? I mean, we've been known. I think it's a whole other conversation, though, about consumerism and how the idea of repairing seems to be dying out. And it's a good thing. We should be polishing shoes. Now people just think,

oh, chuck them out, get a new pair. And you know where they go? Down to shoes on. Yeah, OK. Is that right? Yeah. Can I say I've become quite pro? Shoot.

I don't know that repairing things rather than throwing them away is... Look at Sharon Osbourne. Oh, God. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Al, we were discussing what should we do with a drunken sailor off air. Yes. During the break.

And Frank and I both discovered we sing the lyric, Frank. And what should we do with a drunken sailor? Early in the morning. Yes. And early, the use of early has always slightly irritated me. And what shall we do with the drunken sailor? Erlie in the morning. Yes, yeah. And Erlie, the use of Erlie has always slightly irritated me. That we all just accept. We just adopt the pirate vernacular. We don't for any other parts of the song.

I don't know if they're pirates, are they? I think they're just seafarers. Oh, OK. Fair enough. I like Erlie in the morning. I think you've put them on the wrong side of the law there I think Erlai in the morning is one

is what we should use as a sort of the bill matter for this show the Frank Skinner show open brackets Erlai in the morning but imagine if I just

started incorporating Erlai into my everyday lexicon okay well I'm going to get their Erlai so people said oh why are you phoning Okay, well, I'm going to get their early. So people said, oh, why are you using...

Yeah, phoning up and say, sorry, I'm a bit early. You're a bit what? I'm a bit early. Yeah. Bring back early, I say. I think, yeah, early in the morning, it's good. You're not okay. And obviously rice.

Can I just say out, while we're on it, that when I was at school, which is obviously before you guys, but we used to have, the teacher would put the radio on. There was a radio show that we used to listen to. I don't know if there was any recording. I don't know if recording was a possible thing when I was at school. And there used to be a programme, and it used to be English folk songs and we would all sing along to them, the kids.

So we would all, you know, Oh, brother James, have you heard the decree? Lily, bolero, bolero, la. It was all that stuff. And we sat in a West Midlands school and sang these old traditional... I'd forgotten about that completely. Does anyone out there who's old enough to remember? Did you sing English traditional folk songs at school?

The radio as well. It was like just a piece of wood with like a hole in the middle with like a speaker gauze. What's the stuff that causes it? I'm calling it a speaker gauze as if that's absolutely the term for it. The stuff on the front of a speaker that lets the sound out. I call them the abdication radios. Yes, exactly. It's one of those.

Yeah, but we... So I actually accidentally... I know lyrics to a lot of early English folks. Erlie, Erlie Englishman. Erlie, sorry, Erlie. Oh, man, have I let myself down. You've let the pirate community down. Sorry, they're not pirates. They're not pirates. Seafarers have established that. There might be some pirates, you know, ex-pirates, reformed.

They just, you don't get pirates, they don't get up at night in the morning. They're like a lion. I'd like to bring some breaking news to your attention. It's food news, which I think we're all interested in. Food news, which I think we're all interested in. Jaffa Cakes are releasing a Jaffa Cake version of a doughnut. And they're calling it Jaffa Joe Nuts.

Oh, yes. I'm not happy with that. Already the weariness, Al. The weariness of the man. These people who are paid to come up with the brand names couldn't do any better than Jaffa Joe Nuts. It's just not... I mean, they couldn't use this, but it did occur to me that by making it a doughnut,

they're actually stealing a bit of the middle, aren't they? So they could have called them half a cakes. Oh, nice. But that would be just too much of an O in gold, I'd be admitting to that. Why don't they just call it Jake? I was thinking Jaff-O cakes. Oh, yeah.

And the O would be the actual chocolate O of the day. Also, it sounds like one of your West Brom mates as well. Jaff-O cake. Yeah, they've often got an your West Brom mates as well. Jaffa OK Cakes. Yeah, they've often got an O on the end of their name. One of our Irish listeners probably went to school with someone called Jaffa OK Cakes. Almost certainly. When supermarkets do their own brand of Jaffa Cakes, have any of them called it Jaffa Fakes?

Oh, man, we are absolutely rocking now. If they had a Jaffa Cake tribute band, that would be a great name for them, wouldn't it? Do you remember? Yeah, I don't see that happening. There was a band called Orange Juice or something. There could be something involved with that. Jaffa Fakes.

Do you remember Saltton Lineker I do when Walkers and they had Cheese and Owen yeah so they used football I think David Seaman is still waiting

by the phone oh come on Frank it's really not if they could have got this time of day if they could have got an endorsement with Rafa Benitez

it could have been Rafa Cakes I mean could have been Rafa cakes. I mean, come on. Imagine his big smiley face. They could have got him to wear one like those life things they throw overboard if you fall off a ship. A big one of those with him grinning inside. His big Spanish smile.

Oh, lovely. Oh, I think I'll have me a Raffa cake. All his players, the players actually playing for him at the time, had a joke called them Gaffa cakes. Oh, that's good. We've got to stop this now. Yeah. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I'll tell you what I'm really not liking on the telly at the moment, by the way, is they've taken the Go Compare man. Oh, yeah. They've tried to make him a sort of three-dimensional character. So you get the bloat that plays him talking about his actual singing career. And there's even a split screen where he talks to the man in the big pointy moustache who sings Go Compare. And they talk about it and they sing Go Compare

with a different melody. Yeah, I don't like that. I'm glad you've brought this up. They're trying to make it poignant. I mean, it's Go Compare. It's a bloke with a moustache going Go Compare. That's what it is. I don't want to know his backstory.

What's his method, go compare, acting? I'm sure I once did a corporate event where that guy came up and asked if he could get up and sing. Shut up. And then did his go compare song. Well, there you go. He gave them what they want. I know that's frowned on nowadays.

But he wasn't paid. He just did it. Of course he wasn nowadays, but... But he wasn't paid. He just did it. Of course he wasn't paid. Wow. He wasn't paid. Perhaps he was just carrying out some sort of comparison with another. I love that you know you met a Go Compare Man the early years. I've worked with them all.

I think we've all worked with him. I think we were at a Sony Award radio thing where he was presenting an award and Chris Evans got him to sing Go Compare. Hmm. Ah. In a slightly, obviously, slightly school-bullying way. Right.

But now, oh, yes, I'm also a singer. You know what? In an advert. We're going to have other adverts where people are saying, yeah, this is not all I do. I know that. But, you know, the fourth wall, mate. Yeah. Shut up about who you actually are.

You're the Goal Compound bloke. Goal Compound. That's you. We're going to get adverts about the meerkat's original career. We're going to get the meerkat sitting around in like a green room. In a smoking jet. Saying, yeah, you know, when I was back on the tundra, I used to, who cares about it?

You know, not in a velvet jacket, in like a T-shirt and tracksuit bottom. It's a world of adverts. We accept that you're playing a role. What you don't understand is we don't care what's behind it. We don't need your textured, complicated backstory. No, and talking to yourself as the Go Compare man. I mean, it's getting like Hitchcockian.

Do the Mike Baldwin. Johnny Briggs played him in Coronation Street and as he once advised my mother about acting, you turn up, you say your lines, you get paid, you go home. Yeah. Thank you. But in advert, surely even more so. Yeah.

I mean, it's unbelievable. May I share with you the thoughts of Ian Stewart Dootson, one of our regulars? Morning, Frank. Divine Miss Emma now. Is Earl Eye what you get if you mention Martin Bashir to Charles Spencer? Praise reluctantly redacted, including Love the Show, and Keep Up the Good Work. Earl Eye, that's good, isn't it?

Come on, that's good. That's excellent. Don't give me that Earl Eye. Oh, you really... Do people still do the glad eye? You used to say, I think that woman just gave me the glad eye. I think that's kind of god.

It's the idea that there was some frisson between you. Oh, man. And the dead eye was if someone gave you the real, you know, the cold, glassy... You don't want to get that off anyone. You don't want to get the dead eye was if someone gave you the real, you know, the coal, glassy. You don't want to get that off anyone. You don't want to get the dead eye from anyone. But the Earl Eye, I could really get that. The Earl Eye, I'd very much like to get that from a little Spencer.

Oh, go come back. And then there was the time when I first began singing. Yeah, get out. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Get out! Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I breakfasted alone at the hotel. What is this?

I always breakfast... Peeps' diary. You've got a sad sound effect for that. No, I'm good with it. Oh, that's like Samuel Peeps' diary. I also do this thing which I have mentioned before, is that I don't look at my phone or read anything. I sit and stare straight ahead.

And I really like it, but there's no one else in the place ever doing it. It's like the phone has completely wiped out sitting and staring straight ahead, whereas I feel completely comfortable doing it and I like that the people around me feel less comfortable because I'm doing it but um the woman came up to you know they come up to you at the table and say do you want tea or coffee and all this and then she said um do you want white toast or brown toast well I wasn't planning on having toast but I didn't want to be rude so I said I love brown toast and then I thought oh no I've got toast coming anyway it arrived and I realized I don't think I've had a piece of toast with nothing on it for about 10 years.

No butter? Well, butter on it, but I mean, you know. So I had a slice of buttered toast, full stop. Yeah, that was it. And halfway through, I started thinking, this is great. It's great, isn't it? I love buttered toast. What have I been wasting my time yeah not eating

buttered toast i know we talk about late reviews on it but really it was i i oh man i wanted to well i'd say i wanted to hug this woman obviously that's out of the question on so many grounds but i was really pleased with myself to the point where the next morning the woman came over and said, do you want tea or coffee? I said, I'll have tea or coffee and I'll have some brown toast, please. And do you know what?

It wasn't as good. And that's something I've always found in my life. You can't go to the same party twice. Oh, okay. It's, you know, it was great. I should have left it at that. But now I'm back on the, I'm shrugging. You can't see the shrug at home, but I'm saying toast, shrug in brackets.

Although toast, another bit of very lazy naming. I suppose that's true you know also I did some of that you know you get the sort of the sort of generation game toaster at some hotels where you put it on

and it goes on a little conveyor belt it's like a sort of extreme makeover it'd be a rubbish generation game. You'd only ever win toast. That's obviously all you'd remember because that's all. I should say if you're a younger person

or a person who was too poor to have a television in the 70s, that on the generation game, the prizes would go past the winner. It's interesting. They won, but that wasn't quite enough. The prizes would go past the winner. It's interesting. They won, but that wasn't quite enough. The prizes would go past them on a conveyor belt and they only got the ones they remembered,

which is great. They should bring that back for things like just wages and stuff like that. Medals, Olympic medals. Just checking my contract. Yeah, but so, yeah, it was, I really wish I hadn't, if I'd just had that one, I would be on here now singing the praises of...

It's saying that toast is the best thing since sliced bread. Yeah. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've just received a missive from a lady who's saying that I believe she went to school with you, Frank. And her Twitter bio, sorry, her Twitter bio, Al, reads Adventurous Nana, which is not good. Oh, my contemporary is now adventurous nana um very much my catchment area i must say the adventurous nana um group but great

um what's the name i might she's an independent celebrant, and she says she does a little bit of travelling, a little bit of writing, and a lot of Argentine tango. Does she write? Yeah. Okay. Adventurous Nana. What's her name?

Because the trouble is with, this is why I never had much trock with the Friends Reunited, because in those days, women, when they married, they changed their names. I know some still do, but... Yeah. Some still do. I don't know. She calls herself...

Only the traitors to the feminist cause, though, I think. She calls herself... She calls herself on Twitter Adventures of a Wobbly Penguin. Oh. Wow. As well as Adventurous Nana. Yeah.

But I don't know what her name is. Oh, OK. She's anonymous. Obviously, there were many girls at school who I was crazy about, you know. Sadly, a lot of them are no longer with us. But their memory lives on in so many ways so um it's been um i've been on the road again uh this week i was back at the i was back at the um the mercure in bridgewater how was it, I had a nicer room this time.

New readers, I was there last week in Bridgewater. I'm filming at the moment. But room 126, which is one of the nicer rooms, if you get a nicer room in a hotel, it has a name as well as a number. So it was called Cornhill. Oh, I like that. It seemed to fit my comedy

that I might live on Corn Hill. Is that right, Frank? So I was just going to say, in the Hotel of Wine, which we often speak of. Oh, yeah. Hotel de Vin. They often go for that, don't they?

The higher up you get, the more you get the Santa Millian. But they're all named after wines, and the customers aren't told the numbers. I think only the cleaners know the numbers. So you walk around saying, it's somewhat like Bajuda. Is it a B? It's got a B in it.

I don't know if it's on this floor. It's got a B in it. It's like that. Anyway, so it says Cornhill outside my room and then it says to designate the nicer room. Can you believe this? This is on the wall next to my door. Privilege.

I thought, why don't you make everyone in the hotel hate me? I'm going to get, like, angry villagers gathered outside my door. I do hope you scroll straight white male above it. Just to really, really get it. But please don't, don't bring that up. You know, I mean, Cornhill says it really. That'd be a good, I like it when people give their house a name as well. In, I used to many, many years ago, I went out with a woman from Essex

and there was a house, she lives in the Poshpit, and there was a house called Arajaba. And I thought Arajaba might be some sort of Mediterranean island. And it was a pun on Arijaba, because Harwich Harbour was quite near, and that's what the locals called it. Quite clever, I thought. I liked my late godmother, Lindsay de Paul,

called her house... Pause. Pause for reaction. And carry on. She called her house Mootgrange, Pause. Pause for reaction. And carry on. She called her house Moot Grange, which was an anagram of no mortgage. Very, very good. Well done, Lindsay DePaul.

Good work. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've been looking through my jingles board for jingles i don't go to very often about this one oh come on is that greek eurovision song contest it's eurovision uh song contest. I think it's called Dancing Lasher Tumba, the song. Presumably. And it's something for Duka, something like his name is.

Sounds a bit Dancing Bears, Frank. He was a man all in sort of bako foil suit, I don't know if you remember him. Of course he was. And Boz was doing a homeschooling thing about music and the teacher said, right, we're going to look at some different kinds of music. It was one of those lessons that is like, I didn't prep anything lesson.

And he asked the kid to name things and then there was a two minute wait where he went on YouTube to find it and then they talked about it. And he played that song and the teacher said, oh, I don't really like Eurovision stuff and I thought

come on it's brilliant I find it the most uplifting piece of music I want to do it again oh it's a

it's a it's a comic I think somewhere like I can't, forgive me. He is with that music. It's in Latvia or somewhere like that. Somewhere in Eastern Europe. And when it went into lockdown and all that happened, he couldn't gig anymore.

And he just put a picture on his website of him sitting with a woman he claimed was his mum in a headscarf with him just sitting on grass somewhere. I mean, it's funny. Let's be totally honest here. OK. Who out of the three of us can you most imagine being a Eurovision Song Contest entrant for any country?

Frank. No, as Frank Skinner, I just mean the look of the man. I just, I love Eurovision still. I mean, they've slightly spoiled look of the man. I love Eurovision still. I mean, they've slightly spoiled it by the semi-final system in that they've taken out some of the more extreme stuff, which is the great joy of it. But even so, me and Kath watch it every year. I love it.

I can see Frank as a sort of German crooner. I can see him. Do you think so? I'm one of those people, I'd like to go on and sing about the world in a white shirt right up to the waist with Diamante on it. And it'd be one of a sort of a pseudo-vague philosophy.

And life is like a light that's shining on in the darkness. One of those kind of... You've already got the melody. There you go. We can use that. We'll transcribe that. Light is shining on.

I think that's what it's called. Those songs. And at the end, like, it's a big chorus and, like, 50 kids all come on and go, And light is shining on. That one, that. Anyway, and then at the end it goes, it goes...

Okay, so that's the show's basically done now. We can't follow up. I can't speak. Thank you so much for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio.