The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2022 – Part 1

Episode Date: December 24, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning team bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane through the best bits of 2022, including Frank at Royal Ascot, the new Three Lions, Is It Cake and Pierre’s letter.

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Morning boys Morning Good morning Now there might be some problems with my voice early on Because the bloke, I got a car in this morning And the bloke was from the West Midlands

And I could feel myself go Boy, boy, got about a mile in I'm going, oh, what's happening with the baggies? They were blowing it, hey, they? And I've got to get myself back out of that now. So I might not sound as posh as I normally do. Okay. Speaking of posh, where was I yesterday?

Where? I was at the Royal Enclosure at Ascot. Oh, my goodness. I had the top hat. The full thing? The full, yeah. It's a bit like a massive fancy dress party where the theme is posh.

So you have to do that, you know. You have to wear, and they're quite strict on it. Oh, they're very... Remember, a friend of mine ran into a bit of bother. Oh, yes, we got a slightly comical... He got a comical top hat, Emily's friend. He brought it just because he thought, as long as I've got something.

Yeah. And then he was told it just wouldn't do. Really? So he was sent to the top hat shop. Oh, OK. On site? Yes. wouldn't do really so he'd be sent to the top hat shop okay on site yes it's a pop-up shop and i think they cost about two grand like a sort of baked potato van at a festival yeah exactly i was um i was uh i when i went to toronto because you know you have to you hire basically and um higher basically and um we asked about um buying i wasn't going to but um and they said we can do a decent one like you know they're not all like massively expensive we can do you one for like

2200 i said okay did you say my my son's painted uh some cereal box cardboard black and made a sort of hoop of it. Well, my son, of course, is an Alice Cooper fan, so a top hat in the house. I'm not saying it won't be used. And did you go the full morning dress? Oh, absolutely, full everything. We get a little note like, supply your own tie, no novelty, it said.

It's not the place for the Homer Simpson tie or anything like that. But, no, you know what? It was a cracking day out, I must say. But I noticed the jacket. I don't know what you call those jackets with a bit of a tie. It's like a frock coat. Is it a morning coat? Okay.

I had that on, and on the way in, the wallet was slightly spiralling the lump, like a lump, slightly spiralling the line. Most people aren't used to carrying wallets, that's why. Well, on the way back, it looked great, and that might give you an inclination of what kind of day I had betting. Because I took cash.

I thought, I want to be like in the films when you throw down cash and say, yeah, yeah, put it on whatever it was. I'm worried, frankly, you looked a bit, oh, I'm getting married in the morning. There was an element of that, certainly, yeah. One of my favourite stage directions in the whole of musicals,

I've got the script of My Fair Lady and there's a bit where Alfred Doolittle, who's a ne'er-do-well finds out that his daughter is holed up with this posh bloke across town and he says, I need to investigate this, and he says Doolittle leaves like a man on his way

to El Dorado. So yeah, it was a bit like that. But you know what? When you go into your private box bit, oh yeah, I had a private box. It's like being David Blaine. And you check your hat in

when you walk in. There's a big row. I wish I could have took a photo. There was just a shelving full of top hats with little numbers in them, so you get your right hat back. I wouldn't want anyone to get my hat. Oh, I should tell you about the hat.

Can I tell you one last thing? I met George Osborne was there, former Chancellor of the Exchequer, right? And he approached me. Oh. And I don't know, if you'd have given me a hundred guesses at what he was, the first thing George, I've never met before, the first thing he was going to say to me was,

I would never have got here. George Osborne said, I love your poetry podcast. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank Jones, E73, has been in touch. poetry podcast. Frank, Jonesy73 has been in touch, commenting on a lovely picture of you that's on Twitter, and says the boy from Oldbury has done all right for himself. Well, it did feel... I mean, if my old man, who had a bet six days a week, and this won't mean much to many of you but he had 10 5p

doubles 10 5p trebles and a 10 pence roll up it's not big money let's put it that way if he'd have known that i was going to be um having a long chat with steve cawthon who was like a star jockey at the time he would be an excited bloke i must say so that was lovely what about when i went to ask her and in exchange for my seat my boxy i had to sort of do an interview about fashion i seem to remember okay yeah but they put it on the the bit they put on the loudspeaker was when the woman said and do you a big are you a big horse fan i I said, do you know I hate horses? Oh, God. And someone came up to me and said, are you that woman that said I hate horses?

Well, there was a woman there who saw another woman in the same dress and I thought this was a great way of handling it. She went over and said, can I have a selfie with you? And took a photo of her in the same dress. But I said, if I do that with everyone who's dressed the same as me, it's going to take up the whole day. But when I went to the... You know, I've got a big head. I can't possibly comment.

A wardrobe woman once said to me, she said, I've been working in television for 40 years, she said, and the biggest heads are Benny Hill and then you. I said, thank you. So proud to be on that league table. A silver to Hill. And she'd worked with the Elephant Man. No, she hadn't.

And, sorry, For God's sake. I meant the film. And so I had to get to this shop, which was very nice, and it's called Oliver Brown. Is that, you know? Oh, yes, I'm familiar. And I thought they'd all be super posh in there, and they were actually really sort of, you know, nice.

Not that posh necessarily means not nice, but there was stuff in there like I saw some top hat polish. I didn't know that existed. I mean, the only person I can ever imagine using that is Lord Snooty. Well, it's got a Lord Snooty. It's impossible to put it on. And also, when I first looked at myself in the mirror, in the top hat and the thing

I thought really what I want is the waistcoat to be a sort of peanut bodice so I'd look like Mr Peanut from The Planters and the other thing at the shop they gave me the top hat and the waistcoat and I said where's the monocles? and he said what do you mean? I thought you'd have a selection of monocles? And he said, what do you mean? I said, I thought you'd have a selection of monocles to wear for the day. And no.

I like the way you keep referring to it as the shop. Like it's the corner shop. It felt like the shop. Anyway, they got the hat and we were on by there. I said, look, I'm going to tell you from the off, I've got a big head, it's going to be problematic. And they said, oh, don't worry, it really, honestly, it won't be a problem. So by the time we'd reached eight and a half in the hat, and there was this terrible moment where I sort of crossed the great divide,

where I put on a hat that just sat on the top of me, like I was some sort of novelty air freshener and then the next one literally pressed the top of my ears down like comedy big hat and basically just tense all day, tense my temples. Do a lot of reading before you left the house. Exactly. What I needed,

I had a white rabbit. What I needed was a pipe at the back of my head with a small jet of air blowing upwards. But really, I kept it upright. Every now and again, I felt the ears flattening out. But when it got very... I was with Victoria Coram Mitchell and two very nice friends of hers, Geoffrey and Neil, and I thought, when it got very sunny,

we all sheltered under my hat. It's like a little private apartment. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, can I just ask you, did you see any of the... I'm calling it the unfortunate raid. What, the Donald Trump raid?

Oh, yeah. One of the great joys for me of the Donald Trump raid? Oh yeah. One of the great joys for me of the Donald Trump raid is that they took several, I think they said files and or envelopes that had Top Secret stamped on them. Scooby Doo!

I just, Top Secret doesn't feel like a thing from the real world. You know what I mean? It feels like something from Danger Mouse. It's what you put on your teenage diary. Yeah. It feels like a thing from the real world. You know what I mean? It feels like something from Danger Mouse. It's what you put on your teenage diary. Yeah. It feels like it would be written in American typewriter font as well. Oh, I'm hoping it's a red stamp.

Yeah. I'm really hoping that. Is there a sort of a mid-range secret stamp for things that you can leave on trains? Because people who leave files on trains only ever leave ones with top secret on them, as far as I can tell. Would a government file have top secret on it?

I mean, is it still a standard term? Is For Your Eyes Only, post-Bond film, did the government decide, because that was a sort of MI5, MI6 thing, wasn't it? Did they decide, oh oh we better not use it everyone knows it now did Bond ruin the concept of For Your Eyes Only it's never occurred to me

that For Your Eyes Only was an intelligence term yes it is because with Bond I just thought it was going to be somewhat lewd well they made it sound that with the song. The song was a bit sexy. Yeah.

And actually, that's something that was stamped on official documents. Michael Gove gets documents that say, for four eyes only. A big, sort of old Etonian said it in for four eyes only. Oh, man. Gone now, of course. But it's changed. Go, but not forgotten.

Never forgotten. Listen, one of the things that used to be, whenever friends or family came down to London, one of the things they were keen to do, obviously we live in a place, if you live in London, there's a lot of amazing architecture and historical sites. What they all wanted to do was the Rainforest Cafe,

which is that rare combination of an environmental fast food place. And with a very nice shop where you could buy like a cuddly sloth or something like that, or something that represented the animal world and how great they are. I went there recently. Is it still open? Well. I thought they'd cut it down. Yeah, it's been levelled.

Well I went to I'll tell you what happened. I took my family to the Hard Rock Cafe and there was no room at the inn. Oh yeah. And I bet there was three tables occupied in there

and I mean how long does it take to eat I said we'll be in and out in 40 minutes but no so we had to walk away from an empty restaurant, we had to look at a bit of rock memorabilia on the way out but no food and I said I know what

we'll go to the old stand by, the Rainforest Cafe. Famous for the storms mid-meal. Actual storms occur. Oh. Yeah, that's how they do it. I love it when it's there. What did you do?

All that stuff. The lights flash on and off. And the gorillas on the wall look from left to right. wall look from left to right as if as if a storm in a rainforest means that your um your road safety has to go really up a notch i suppose flooding so anyway we headed for um the ever popular tourist um attraction i mean you say ever popular it's quite a 90s decision to go there. So why don't you have some Alco Pops and listen to Spice Girls on the way? Well, I'll tell you what happened after this. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We left you at the Rainforest Cafe. Well, did you? Did you, Emily? Oh. Because we headed for the rain. I said, look, we might not get in. It's Saturday. We might not get in.

No, it's a very, very... Honestly, the amount of time people have come down to London... You need to know people in the know, Emily, to get into the rain forest. I'm serious. I'll call Eduardo, see if he can get me a table in the rain forest cafe. People come to London. That's where they want to go. They don't want to go to Buck, that's where they want to go.

They don't want to go to Buckingham Palace and they want to go to the Rainforest. Anyway, I got there and the first, imagine my surprise, as they say in stories, it's not called the Rainforest Cafe anymore. What's it called? It's called Jungle Cave. That's what it's called.

And I thought, okay. Does that mean less environmental? When was this rebranding decision made? I don't know. I don't know what happened, but I went in. I went through the shop. It's still a shop. Is it the same setup it's

not just bat stuffed bats now to take in the cave but you greeted by alfred yeah so we went in and staff were very lovely um we went in and it was quite easy to get a table. That's worrying. Tear and never a good sign. And I noticed that the gorillas, we sat under a gorilla and he just looked a bit chipped. What, as in microchipped? No, chipped as in he needed a... A bit of mange. Yeah.

I don't want a tatty gorilla. He looked like... I'll tell you what he looked he looked like he hadn't got that part in jumanji and it never quite had turned to drink yeah i'd never quite got over it and i said the staff was lovely and the food was lovely but there's a real sense that the ship was steadily sinking oh yeah and i'd like i'd love if anyone out there knows what happened to rainforest cafe used to be a i'll tell you what happened to rainforest cafe jungle cave i know did you um did you have to wait for a table or did you get one straight away no no we got a table it was a

nice thing is um we were a birthday um party at the time um and And one of the staff heard that mention. We didn't announce it. And they came over with a little cake and candle. And they did a song which wasn't happy birthday. But which was birthday. It had the word birthday in it. Yeah. But it was like,

began, it's your birthday, it's your birthday. And I was like began it's your birthday it's your birthday and i thought that it's a copyright issue jungle cave haven't got the money oh no i think they're worried about paying the money honestly they can't afford it i thought it was better than happy birthday they can't afford the rights for singing it i thought if this song had come first, that this would be what sang. Oh, it's the Betamax of the VHS birthday songs. How does it... Better quality didn't take off. I know, I'm not going to put you on the spot, but a vague approximation, Frank, of the Happy Birthday song,

so I can think about it. I really... It was sort of, It's your birthday, it's your birthday, happy, happy. It's your birthday, it's your birthday, happy birthday day. It was like that. Can I tell you, I used to work in the TGI Fridays around the corner from what was the Jungle Calf years ago. Badges on the braces. Oh, badges on the braces.

What's that called now? Good Friday? Don't sell meat, vegan place. We used to have to sing happy birthday to children. And can I say, as much as this song might have been skipping along in a joyful way every single person that was singing it was dying on the inside but you sang the traditional traditional what badges did you wear i had a lot of bad silverware you have to have a lot of bad you've got to have a lot of badges and it helps if you're a southampton fc fan as well okay silverware what was that well just like to have a lot of badges. You've got to have a lot of badges. And it helps if you're a Southampton FC fan as well.

Silverware. What was that then? Well, just like I had a lot of... I won a lot of... I was a bartender. So I used to do the throwing of the bottles. Oh, did you do that? I was good at the throwing of the bottles.

Where I fell down was the catching of the bottles. A lot of bottles went over the top. Oh, okay. But didn't come back. Yeah. I don't think i've ever been there and not had surf and turf i don't think i've ever been there oh i know i did go there once i like the questions at this time i like it and i like i like the staff as as a performance aspect

i think that was nice i'd love to have been served by you, Zoe. That would have been great. Maybe we can stage it for old time's sake. Old time's sake. Yeah. Have you got a gorilla suit, Ev? This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, a lot of people, I think the cool thing to say at the moment about Netflix

is that it's on the way down it had a great run but it's it's you know what i mean it's struggling and i've always happy to hear of a multi-million dollar organization crumbling but i've got news it's back now i've i saw a program this week you may well be familiar with it but you know when you see something on the telly that just makes you happy and without any complications. And let me know, do you know a thing called is it cake? I knew you were going to say that!

It's the best thing in the world! Oh man, I'm a late adopter of is it cake, but really my kids had chicken pox this week, very badly and it's been difficult. We thought at one point it was the monkey oh no but it isn't it's a chicken it's the chicken yeah uh and um what has got us through is is it cake in case

you don't know what is it cake is is that people make very very realistic um representations of everyday objects. And say five of them are laid out and four of them are the real objects and one of them is a cake made to look like one. I mean, it's... So, for example, it's a burger and chips. The one I watched, they had five sextants. I beg your pardon.

You know, the navigational equipment they had five sextants. I beg your pardon. You know, the navigational equipment. So five sextants and someone had made a cake one. Oh, wow. And that was, can I be honest? I was lying about the sextants. I really believed you and I've watched it. It was the episode I was dreaming of, but it never quite, no, you're quite right, he uses stuff like handbags and burgers.

Yes. But, oh, man, it was just great. And there's a very eccentric contestant, which you have to have on a show, who's got green hair and a green beard and glasses with skulls on them. And I think the last episode will reveal him to be a cake. That's how I think it's going to go.

The moment of truth when they cut into the cake. It's great. Honestly, check it out guys. It's just happy TV. You realise that Great British Bake Off is rubbish. They do nothing with the cake. They just make a cake.

Yeah. There's no guessing. No. I'll tell you what else was happy TV. The Queen with Paddington. Did you see? Oh, yes. Come on.

Beautiful. Yeah, but was it the Queen? Or was it a cake? No, no, it moved. It moved. It definitely moved. What if they did that in Qatar with the World Cup grounds? One of them is a cake.

When they get there... Harry Kane is a cake. Harry Kane, we got there and it turned out to be a cake. No, I'll tell you something about the whole Jubilee spectacular. Brian May's shirt. I loved that. You know what? Was it a shirt or was it a jacket?

No, he had a silver... When he did the performance... Yeah. Well, he changed his outfit. I made an inventory of all their clothes. Okay. Queen. Because they changed.

They did a quick change between the backstage interview and the performance. Yeah. They had Velcro. Frank, you're absolutely right. He wore a jaquito, and I'm going jaquito. A jaquito, I love that.

He had a jaquito for the performance. Backstage, he had a silver sort of, slightly Buzz Aldrin themed shirt. Adam, what's he called? Lambert. Adam Lambert was dressed for the flying carpet, I thought. I thought any minute the flying carpet will arrive and it'll be a whole new world.

And then hovering above the palace. But it never turned up, the carpet. Apparently it's stuck in traffic at King's Cross. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I am still reeling from this week's Strictly Come Dancing.

Oh, what happened? Well, Richie went. Oh. Now, I don't know, you might not be watching Strictly, but... Not Richie from Absolute Radio. No, no, I wouldn't mind. No, yes.

No, but this guy is a West Bromwich Albion fan. I've met him several times. He used to be the announcer at the Albion at one time. Is he the radio man? He's Zoe Balls. Oh, yeah, OK. I think they use the term sidekick on non-commercial radio. Not a term I've ever liked.

But I always say my co-presenters. Very inclusive. I say sidekick. But he was really good, and I thought really looked like he could be brilliant. And then he went this week. Oh, did he make a big boo-boo? No. Oh. It's a mystery. Oh, did he make a big boo-boo? No.

Oh. It's a mystery. Oh. It's a mystery. It's like quasi-quartang. No one can work out why he got... Oh, no, that doesn't work. That doesn't work as an analogy.

But, no, I was genuinely upset. It was awful. It's a shame. If you know what, Strictly, we're not going to talk about it all day, but can I just say one other thing about Strictly? You can say plenty of things. There's a thing they do at the beginning where they say, ladies and

gentlemen, the judges. And the judges appear. And they do a little dance. And one thing I can't any longer avoid is that Craig Revel Horwood can't dance. He can't. He's like the most embarrassing unmarried uncle coming down.

And just, he's awful. And I thought, hold on, this bloke's like a leading choreographer. It's very difficult to nail a manoeuvre in 20 seconds, though, isn't it? Every week, that's all I'm saying. Every week. Who's the... I mean, Shirley knows her. She knows her onions.

They do. They don't try and do too much. They have the lovely lines. And then he does... Oh, man. You know, he's constricted with the clothing. Well, I don't think it's just the clothing. I think if...

I suspect he drives a tuk-tuk, as it were. Now, look, I love Craig for his horribleness and all that, but he can't dance. Craig can't dance, and that's just it. It's a very bold statement.

Would you like to do Strictly, Frank? I've been offered Strictly several times, but I think of myself as a confident man in any situation once i got a degree or two and had a bit of success i felt you could put me in front of the queen or um a bloke digging a hole in the road and i could i could converse and be happy to you know to walk with uh kings and keep your, etc. Yeah. But as soon as I start dancing, I become so self-conscious,

I think I might faint on the floor. I think you'd be good at it. No, I don't. You've got an athletic figure. I know, but I move like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. But nobody'd notice that if you were in a skin-tight shirt slashed to the navel. I don't like that.

I would be... I don't like that, Zoe. I'd be the comedy old guy. Do you know what? I used to talk about this on stage, that I'd be dressed as a giant pheasant dancing to George Ezra's Shocker. And I can't.

I can't live without it. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I was talking about a double header gig I went to this week, which was The Cult and Alice Cooper.

Now, I once proposed, by the way, doing, no, not proposed in that way. I once. No, not proposed in that way. I once... Oh, it's the only way. How else do you propose at the Alice Cooper comedy thing? If you'll just let me complete this sentence.

I proposed a tour and I thought, you know when comics sink, I've only really got about 45 minutes, I can't tour yet. Yeah. Of having three comedians but like like this with all names on the same bill and call it the three tellers oh that's because they tell jokes I know I know but I don't really like it didn't get any takers I don't like it the title doesn't matter does it if you got three top did you did you did you sort of put feelers out and got nothing back?

I remember I said to Jack D, what do you think about it? He said, no, I wouldn't want to do that. I wouldn't want to do that. So that was that. That's terrible. So anyway, this was a doubleheader, The Cult and Alice Cooper. And I don't know how, but The Cult have just passed me by. Not me. I had a sense.er, the Colt and Alice Cooper. And I don't know how, but the Colt have just passed me by. Not me.

I had a sense, no, not Emily. But Ian Asprey, the singer, I sort of knew the name but didn't know anything about him. But he was one of these guys, there was a lot of tambourine abuse, he was one of those guys. Tambourine abuse. He was one of those guys. And a lot of Tude, a lot of mega Tude from IA.

And one of the, he started having a go at the audience in quite, I mean, there's a bit where he said, what, you call that dancing? Oh, my God. To this guy. And I thought, well, that's a bit. And he said, that's it, that's it, though, isn't it? We're gigs in the 21st century. This is what they're like.

Oh, my God. All right. So anyway, then he went on a bit. And then he, I don't know quite what had happened, but he said to this guy, I need an apology from you. Come on, apologise. And he went right to the edge of the stage. Oh, my God.

We're all a bit frightened. But the thing that got me, he said, look at this, we've got a guy in a shirt. I thought, what? He said, we've got a guy in a shirt. He said, this is a rock and roll gig, mate. You're in a shirt. Yeah, well, thanks for coming.

He said, thanks for coming, Mr. Shirt. What has he done wrong, this guy? I don't think he had like a dress, you know, a shirt with a collar and cuffs and all that. It really rubbed Asbury up the wrong way. Also, I think, Ian, things have changed a bit, love, since the 80s. Not everyone goes to concerts in black vest tops and studs on them. But it was...

And then at the end, he finished the gig and said, Thank you for supporting live music. Well, OK, but what should we wear next time we support it? Seeing as you're the one with all the answers. Mr. Shirt. Oh, Mr. Shirt. Must have woke up this morning and thought, oh, it's got a...

Oh, Mr. Shirt. Must have really shook him up. How was Billy? Was Billy playing? Billy Duffy? Probably. Okay. No, I think, yeah, I think they are the central.

He didn't wear a shirt. No, they were all... You know, Asprey had a jacket, you know. What do you wear if you don't wear a shirt? A T-shirt? Like, what's acceptable? I get no top, I think, is the idea. And then you have to see...

Although you say that, how old is he? About 17 then you have to see... Although you say that old, is he about 70? No, I don't think he's that old. What I like is that Alice has grown into the role of like risen corpse thing. You know, it used to be a bit unbelievable in the old days. I know he's really embraced it. But I have to say this, to summarise, Alice Cooper has got like the tightest band. They are brilliant. Oh, wow.

His voice is still there. Made me a bit nervous. No, it's all right. It was actually, he was brilliant. I don't know if he's got any shows left here, but honestly, I went to support my child and I like Alice Cooper. I came away thinking, you know what, still got it. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

There's an irony to this. Geri Halliwell only ever wears white. And we were talking about, I agree with you, Zoe. I almost, I rarely wear it because I always think I'm going to get something on it. Yeah, instantly. She bought me, many years ago, she bought me three pairs of white boxer shorts. Geri did?

Geri did, yeah. No way! And, I mean, that's... What, she stayed over? That's a treble stress fest, white boxers. What the hell was going on? What, she stayed over? That's a treble stress fest, white boxers. What the hell was going on? I mean, I couldn't look my cleaner in the eye for months.

That's why she left me for Daniel Craig. Did you know that, Zoe? Your cleaner left you for Daniel Craig? She did. She swapped Calvins for Speedos. Wow. But anyway, so... Can you believe it? Yeah, so I you believe it?

Yeah, I think one of those pairs of boxers still survives. The Jerry boxers. Wow. I passed on some pants. No easy way of saying this. Some pants that David Gandhi had given me for you. Yeah, they're very... I'm still

working my way through them. Do you wear the Gandhi pants? I do. I've virtually worn them out. Oh, wow. I work very visually and that's going to stay with me for a while. Trust me, it'll stay with all of us.

Well, I work very musically and all I can think is, yeah, what's going to cover that though, Frank? The Gandhi pants can. Oh, the Gandhi pants can. Oh, the Gandhi pants can. Oh, we love Gandhi. Yes. David Gandhi we're on about.

I mean, we love all the Gandhis. David Gandhi's lovely. But he's a prominent pants. I would imagine if you'd got pants off Mahatma Gandhi, they'd be slightly baggier. Yeah, they would be. Yeah. Yeah.

And also, they'd be straight on eBay. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. Mahatma Gandhi pants. And we're on the rest. David Gandhi's will stay on eBay. Yeah. Yeah. And also, they'd be straight on eBay. Yeah. I'll be honest with you. Matt, the gandy pants. And we're as David Gandies will stay on eBay. Yeah. Oh, come on. I need a noise of some sort for that.

That was so good. A horn or a... Hold on. Something. I have it. That sounds like outside number 10 this week. I'll tell you. Can I say, by the way,

and we don't really do political comment on this show, but if you're the Prime Minister and you're going to make a major speech, get a nice lectern. Yes. Don't get one that looks like it's from some terrible corporate gig in Northamptonshire four-star hotel. It's got, like, laminate on it or something, hasn't it?

It's one of those, you could put your fist through it. It's one of those that's just got brown sticky on it. I mean, it's a prime minister. I want one of those eagle wings. You'd want solid wood. you'd want solid wood i mean you're not solid wood yeah no he might and that's the sentence i don't often say i would i would want something you want the nastiest honestly if i had to write a list of nasty lecterns you might as well have had one of those see-through plastic lecterns

that people have on their mopeds when they're doing the knowledge. You know those ones with a map on it? I'll tell you what you might have had. No, but so specifically a very cheap royal blue clipboard. Yeah. You know those ones? That would have been better. If you're doing a driving awareness test or something.

That would have been better. I was thinking, don't lean on that, Boris. It's going to go. That would have been perfect. If he'd just gone, good afternoon, and lent on it, and the whole thing had just fallen over. Imagine if he was saying, no, is that the only lectern we've got? That thing.

Yeah, but if it had blown over, can you imagine that to the strains of... They should have had that lettering. You know that black-on-gold lettering that people stick on that's slightly angled? You know that really terrible, the worst lettering ever? They should have had that on the front with Prime Minister on it. Is that the leaving lectern, though?

Is there a better one when you're arriving? No, I just think they've got one rubbish lectern in that sort of historical home. For goodness sake. Lectern hell, that's what I'm calling this week. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Sorry, I was just looking at a hot dog on the television. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. And yes, they are paid to laugh, if you're wondering. So, um... Good morning to you both.

Good morning. Morrow. It's kind of, uh... Kind of really ended so um here we are i um oh i'll tell you what i saw this week here's the thing here is a funny thing yeah i saw a man capering on his own in like sports gear what i don't know what that means. Capering is a bit like what Dorothy does in Wizard of Oz. You know that sort of...

Do you remember when you were a child and if you ever felt jubilant as a child, they call it skipping, but there's no rope involved. Isn't that just skipping? I'm not familiar with this capering. No rope involved is one of the coloured handkerchief signals I use at the S&M club. I've always called it skipping,

but, you know, I'm going to change that to you. Well, if that's skipping, how can the rope thing be skipping as well? It doesn't make any sense. That's like saying eating is the same as driving. OK. We've all had a drink. OK.

I have, but not since September 24th, 1986. Nevertheless. Capering or skipping, sans rope, brackets. Is that because... This was a guy. He was a guy. He didn't look troubled. He was in sports gear.

Dressed for skipping. Yeah, dressed for, you know, he might be running. Maybe he runs later and warms up with some... Some capering. Some capering, yeah. What I'll do is I'll caper for ten and then I'll do like 5k, a bit more caper, I'll caper

down. I'll caper down at the end. I think that would suit you. Capering, no, I was a bit embarrassed on his behalf. Were you? I was a bit embarrassed on his behalf. Why are you? I was saying something. I remember kissing a lady many years ago and she capered in excitement just around me.

Did she? Yeah. I don't know if it was ironic or not, but it started charming and then it was we will never be a long-term relationship. That third circuit. I was going to say, that's a short shelf life. Yes, no more capering.

That was what I thought about it. I've never told that story to anyone before. And you know what? It's good to get it off my chest. Absolute radio exclusive. Exactly. I love this. What a bizarre exclusive

the papers will be full of this post kiss capering rocks three lion star do you think there's lots of sort of jubilant expressions that could become like a fitness thing

ten minutes capering five minutes jig punch in the air maybe I suppose they do do punch in the air maybe I suppose they do do punch in the air that's basically what sparring is yeah

seven minutes clod hopping what's clod hopping? it's bad dancing oh okay is it? it's from it used to be illegal to beg and so you had to do

something for your money so they would just do a bad dance I'm not begging I'm dancing and people are paying me for my lovely dance oh is that great

yeah that's um a sort of stomping dance that a tramp would do clod hopping yeah okay I'd like to uh

I'd like to see more of that say I could double money if you prefer to clod hop no is that bad I'll take that back what are ski sticks I see a lot of old people

with ski sticks on their hamster knees. What's that doing? I've seen those. Are they worried about flooding? They're cropping up. So they can get home. Get home like the invading crafts in War of the Worlds. Just hoist it off.

What are they for? Wildlife. If anyone listening uses those, what the hell are you doing? I see those a lot. Sometimes you see them like seven or eight squirrels on each point. No, I've never seen that. Anyone who capers for a fitness thing, let me know. And if anyone uses ski sticks, why? The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, actually, we were just, I was talking about performing at the Phoenix Arts Club this week, which I have to say has been great. Yes. I mean, you know, I know there's no toilet in the dressing room, but there's no dressing room. It's true. But it's a very you really feel like you're in that cool late night london it's a place you know where actors go for a drink

after the show it's very and they have lots of like you know drag acts on it you feel like i felt it's the coolest i felt yeah considering there was a heat wave it's the coolest i felt for a very very long time it's it's very soho and it's the coolest I've felt for a very, very long time. It's very Soho and it's one of those bars that's in a basement and the wall is just covered in signed photographs of people you've never, ever heard of. Well, it's the sort of place where you'd expect to see Francis Bacon drinking in a corner with Geoffrey Bernard. Yes.

Yes. But you played there. I did. As part of all of our efforts to prepare for The Fringe, you know, we're doing our previews, getting our stuff into shape. I shared a sort of preview slot there with Jacob Hawley, great comedian.

And a thing occurred. I was on second, and during the interval, I was backstage. Well, as you say, there isn't a backstage. I was hiding behind and during the interval I was backstage as you say there is no backstage I was hiding behind a cloth and I sort of had a peek at the audience who had thank god stayed

after Jacob had done his first half and left and I looked and I saw you look through the audience and in the back of the room is the stairs the audience descend from and i saw that um a gang two two boys and girls i say boys and girls because they did look sort of you know how an 18 year old can often look 14. yes they look they sort of you go i know you're i know

you're here in a pub but it's obscene so young so there were were two boys and two girls of sort of definitely like sixth form age coming down the stairs late to a comedy gig. And I thought, they didn't know there was a gig on here, did they? They're not here to watch comedy. Oh, okay. They've come for a campari. Yes, exactly. And to swap quips.

Yeah. And so I thought, uh-oh. And I saw the sort of hand go up of the ticket taker saying, no, no, there's a gig on. You have to buy tickets if you want to come into the bar. And it took a good, the interval's only supposed to be five minutes, it took a good ten minutes to convince them that what they really wanted was to sit in silence and watch me work through some material.

Yes, so did they find a halfway house where they sat talking while you went through some material? I would like to know this. Frank, your years in the business have stood you in good stead there. That is exactly what happened and exactly what I was predicting, half hidden behind my grubby little curtain.

And, well, I'll tell you what happened in a moment, but suffice to say it involved a letter. A letter? Of course it did, Pierre. You're so cultured. What, to their headmaster? They were representing the school. Yeah, and they were mooning on the back window of the coach on the way to the club.

It's got to be stopped. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Pierre, do you want to remind us where we left you? Yes. You had left me in the basement venue of the Phoenix Arts Club. Yeah. Doing an Edinburgh Fringe preview show. And...

When was this, recently? May. April, May. All right, 24 hours in police custody. And the Pine Martin bouncers had let in some youths. Were they the kind of youths who were,

are you ready for Rishi? Yes, I am. Well, there was a disparity there. The two young lads were a couple of, sort of, the vibe was very much

Arthur Northerner. Okay. And the two girls were more sort of ready for Rishi. Okay. Yeah. There was an interesting dynamic.

They didn't look like they normally all hung out. No. Which is another odd element to this. Maybe it's like the Eccleston girls. They like the...

Do you think they were those two servants they'd always fancied when they were seeing them behind their parents' backs? The stable boys. We'll take them to the Phoenix Arts Club. Could they say, yes, two tickets in the name of Chatterley, please? Don't order a pint of bitter. You'll embarrass us.

Don't you know. So they came in and, as you correctly predicted, Frank, decided that what they would do is sit and talk as if they were in a busy pub in the back of my already dwindling audience in this basement on a weeknight. And so eventually I had to address them and they became sort of moderately belligerent.

Well, it's difficult because you had two social registers to operate on to communicate with them both. Did you speak to the women and say, now look here? What do you tell these boys to be quiet? So what happened? I'm intrigued. So they sort of kicked off a bit, and I have to say, initially I thought that the lads would be the trouble,

but I was wrong. It was the ladies were kicked off quite dramatically, and at one point actually just sort of stormed up the stairs. It's hard to storm upstairs. Oh, stormed out? Eventually. Okay, I thought you were going to say onto the stage. No, thank God.

I should say for our readers that Pierre is not the sort of bloke that you would naturally challenge on stage. He's a man-mountain. He's not like me. The reason people don't challenge me is they fear they might kill me. But, yeah, Pierre looks like... I remember I was moving a house once and Pierre came round and just picked up a bed

and carried it out of the flat. Like obelisk. Yeah. I nearly fell out. I had to hold on to the headboard. Haven't we all there? Oh, that's... So they stormed out and there was some sort of... But the guys ended up staying, the two young lads, and I thought, that's... So they stormed out, and there was some sort of...

But the guys ended up staying, the two young lads, and I thought, that's odd. And then, you know, the show carried on and blah, blah, blah. And then at the end, they had... I looked out, appeared out from behind the little curtain, and the guys had gone, the lads. That sounds dignified. It's very Wizard of Oz, isn't it, this story?

Yes, yeah. There's a lot of back and forth, curtain-wise. Yeah. And they'd gone, so I thought, okay, whatever. And I came out, and the guy running the show said, sorry for letting them in, but they did say that they wanted to buy tickets, but I should have been more sceptical.

Here's a pint. And I said, oh, thank you. And then the two guys, the lads, came back in. And I thought, not a post-show confrontation. Oh, no. The least favourite part of any comedian's evening. Yeah. And they came up and the first thing they said was,

sorry, we didn't know the girls would be like that. We thought they'd be fine because they go to drama school. Oh. So I thought, interesting. Wrong. You have a lot to learn. Yeah. And also the girls were probably accidentally projecting,

which made them even louder. And then the guy, the sort of leader of the two boys, handed me what I'm going to call a letter that they'd gone away to hurriedly scrawl. What? And I say letter advisedly because it's a long piece of blank receipt paper. Okay. Is there anything on it?

Oh, yes. That they'd written on with a felt pen they'd found. Oh, okay. And they handed it to me. And what did it say? And said, here you go, sorry about that, and sort of fled before I could read the letter sort of in front of them. Fair enough.

Oh, I don't like the sound of this. I do. I'll tell you what, shall we make the letter the cliffhanger? Yeah. Okay. We'll hear that letter after this. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Oh, you left us on a cliffhanger. I wish I could have played Joe Cocker's The Letter. You know, my baby wrote me a letter. Okay. So, quick refresher, the two lads of the group of four hecklers have hung around after the show to hand me a felt-tip scrawled letter on a section of blank receipt paper I think they caged off the barman.

Yes, this is very much what are the 39 steps, isn't it? Go on, let's hear it. I should say that now Pierre is looking at his phone, so we obviously photographed this missile. Well, he's not the type to make it up. No, no. Hasn't got that kind of bone in his body. No, I would never make up a mad letter.

So this is, and I really want to emphasise how much this is in mad felt tip sort of capital block capital letters hello sir I like it so far I say that to a lot

of my customers hello sir my name is Louis I was with the rather rude girls who eventually walked out. Yeah? Me and my friend Finn stayed.

Okay. And while your comedy wasn't for us. Oh, no! It was going well! So respectful up to that point. Oh, man. That was... They dropped... Killer claws dropped in. Yeah? oh man that was they dropped felt tip block capitals killer claws

dropped in yeah so fair enough you know nobody while your comedy wasn't for us yes me and my friend

Finn stayed and while your comedy wasn't for us we still enjoyed ourselves I have some question marks over that as an idea

but fine I suppose watching someone die on stage is always entertaining. I'm not suggesting you did that for a second. Well, in their eyes, I did.

Me and my friend Finn stayed, and while your comedy wasn't for us, we still enjoyed ourselves, and we thank you for that. Oh, that's nice. That, it is nice. Can I say, Louis and Finn sound lovely boys. Yeah. and i think we may have misjudged them louis and finn louis and finn writing letters the girls went off but they stayed in

like i don't know the fact that they they're they know that they about writing thank you letters yeah yes they've sort of gone their time at the stables has not been wasted. Thank God they let the parson teach them their letters. Exactly. At a price! But anyway, carry on. Oh, what's happened? He says, and we thank you for that,

please continue for us and yourself. Quite philosophical there. Yeah, that's... Good luck and see you soon. Oh! Louis and Finn and then a kind of blobby heart. Oh, it was quite formal, and at the end it went a bit hasta la vista, baby.

I was quite worried by the notion of seeing them again soon. It's nice that they wrote you a letter, though. Yeah. I think that's... I respect to Louis and Finn for putting it in writing. Yes. I think it's because the young people don't actually speak anymore, do they?

In the age of text and what's up, everything is written which is something you can't call them what about what about when you call them i called faye on this show on such no no they won't they won't be they won't verbalize no no well you'll see a group of people sitting at a table and everyone is um is texting someone else or whatsapping or whatever they like the whatsapp because it's free. What happened to James Taylor? If you can't be with the one you love,

love the one you're with. That theory has been completely quashed. Can I tell you a story? Let me tell you a story. I went to pick my child up from school yesterday and his classroom is on the ground floor, very glass-fronted as classrooms sometimes are, so you can see in.

And as I approach from the front gate, I could see they'd got the big telly on in their classroom. As I got a bit closer, they were watching the new Three Lions video, the whole class. So I went up and just stood against the glass with my hands raised. And the children started pointing at me.

Hold it! Yeah. Thank goodness they recognised me. Hold it. Yeah. And. Thank goodness they recognised you. I know, yeah. Exactly. I was already being carried away by security before I. No, no, that's.

Don't you see that? So anyway, then the teacher called me in. I went in and watched. And at the end of it, everybody applauded. Oh, that's so lovely. It was so sweet and I felt really up and excited and then the whole thing was brought down by as I walked back to the car with my child,

he said, that was great. He said it was like you were a big celebrity again. Oh, out of the mouth of babe. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no! It could have gone the other way. At least he was proud of you.

Because I don't know, if my dad had come into my classroom, I might have been embarrassed. He was proud of me temporarily. Angela, that's so kind of you. Yeah, it was. But I'm not convinced. That was lovely to try and lift me up. But this is the cowboy film where I say, no, no, I'll go on without me.

I can't. It was only rescued by In The Car Journey. He said to me, he said, I won't name the charts, but one of his friends said, I think your dad's got an amazing voice. She said, but I don't like that other man's. Oh!

That helped a bit. Did he mean David or Ian? I'm sure he meant Ian. Do you know, I found it oddly reassuring. I quite liked it. When it, it kicks it. Kids don't, they don't appreciate the sort of Lee Marvin growl. When it kicked in, David's voice, I loved it.

Because I thought, will it always be the same? Will it be the same as it was? And it was, and I loved it. Absolutely true. When I first heard it play back and his voice come in, I just thought all is well with the world. So did I. I felt it made me happy and reassured.

When I watched the video i it took me a while to realize because the video is quite clever it's done it's got the sort of old original video and you guys now it's a super imposed on and at first i hadn't realized it's a terrible example of like two young men and then they're all diverse i tell you what what, it's the sort of, it's our version of the Johnny Cash hurt video. The sort of last will and testament. Sorry, Angela, carry on.

When I first saw David on it, it was young David, but I hadn't realised that's what it was and I just thought, gosh, doesn't he look young now? He's shaved his beard off. And then the old David Catlin said, oh no. Oh no. Sorry David, I didn't mean it like that.

It's out now. Oh no. Oh no. No, but that. Frank, what about when we watched it with your cast? Oh, come on.

Frank showed it to me. I can reveal this now. I gave Emily an unpolished version that we watched together at our house. What did I do? What was my reaction? Emily really cried.

Oh! I mean, the tears were flowing. She hates bad CGI. She just can't handle it. I've seen Young David. And we watched it and I was sobbing. It was very moving, actually, Tablo. Frank took a picture of me crying, a bit strange,

and sent it to David. I've got a big collection of women crying from over the years. And Kath's first reaction... Yeah. She said, Wow, David looks amazing. Yeah, and then we waited and nothing else came out and then she said oh well i wasn't talking about you i was talking about david i said i think that's maybe the issue yes exactly it was a

so so it's been a an emotional ups and downs thing i was going to say emotional rolling coaster but i thought if i ever say that take me outside and shoot me through both knees um but yeah so, so that thing. It was brilliant walking into the room. What's the chances of that happening? Timing everything in this business. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. There's some lovely acting in there. Three lions. My personal favourite moment is the bucket of custard. Oh, come here. How many times did you have to stick your arm in that bucket of custard? That question to Frank Skinner. Yeah, that's a good question.

Don't ask me anything that involves remembering on air. I think that might have been the second go because we weren't... You know, it's a repeated thing. I did it originally with a cantaloupe. Ah! But because this was a Christmas thing, we couldn't resist the spherical Christmas pudding.

But the big debate was with or without holly. Do I have to take the holly off before? You know what? We just let the holly be. Yeah. I think that really identifies it as a Christmas pudding. It goes in a Christmas pudding, and God damn it, it comes out a Christmas pudding. Exactly. It goes in a Christmas pudding and God damn it, it comes out a Christmas pudding.

Exactly. Now, what I like, there's a little, it's a lovely... I should say, by the way, that everyone is talking, this is, I did a football song 20 odd years ago and we've just re-released, we're just a new version of it and the video came out yesterday. In case you're thinking, what is all this about? Okay. There's a bit at the start

and it's a lovely, it's almost Mike Lee. The subtlety of the performance, I like it. Frank is, it's a beautiful little he's, there's an England jacket on the, something on the coat you're putting on the hook, aren't you? He just touches the fabric and looks to

camera very wistfully as it starts. And, oh, thoughtfulness. That, apparently, is actually Roger Hunt's England jacket. Roger Hunt, who played in the 66 World Cup final. I don't know who Roger Hunt is. Yeah, well, he played in the 66 World Cup final. Wow, and that's actually his jacket? That was actually his jacket brought in by somebody.

And can I say, attention must also be paid to David Baddiel's door-answering face. Beautiful, very authentic. It's exactly how he looks when he answers the door to me. Yes. Not frailed. He doesn't... The only thing that I'm anxious about in the whole video is when Dave gestures in the carol singers.

There's a slight element... Do you remember at school when you used to scratch your face with two fingers in a sort of a... This is a rude gesture, but I'm hiding it. There's a slight element of that which unsettles me. Other than that... Now I'm going to have to look for that next time I watch it. But I'm glad you like it,

because we got interviewed by The Guardian on Thursday, and The Guardian Man... I like The Guardian Man. He tore us apart, because the song wasn't more political. Oh, did he? Why should it be? It's a Christmas football song. I know, but, you know...

Well, Ruth George... And then I looked at... Hold on. So I looked at the Guardian first page today. Massive thing. Will Qatar ruin Bran Beckham? Because Beckham's going to Qatar. So I thought, yeah.

Top third of the page. World Cup 2022. Your definitive guide. Free 36-page supplement in the Guardian. The cake has arrived and it is also being eaten. Yes, sounds like it. Yeah. What is The Guardian the Guardian of nowadays?

Hypocrisy! The Guardian, a.k.a. Pick a lane, will you? Yeah, come on, pick a lane! Well, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars. Good morning, son. Lovely when you switch on breakfast radio and hear, how many times did you have to stick your arm in that bucket of custard? That is quite a non-secretary.

I realised as soon as I said it that anyone who hasn't seen the video will be wondering what on earth I'm talking about. In case you've never seen it, it's the thing I've done before, is if you put a spherical object like a cantaloupe in one hand and dip it in custard, and then hold it upright when it comes out, it looks like the World Cup. Yeah.

Very effective. Yeah. I try it at home. But check with mum. Or dad. Okay, whatever you've got. A parent. A guardian.

A ward. If you're their ward, if you are got. A parent. A guardian. A ward. If you're their ward, if you are the ward of a guardian. Not a guardian, please. Not the guardian. They get confused. Check with whoever pays for the cantaloupe. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This morning's text in, don't forget, do you eat the butter sealing on pate? Pate. Don't forget, do you eat the butter ceiling on pate? So I am. Perhaps I should clarify that. No, Joe, no pun intended. I was, as I say, it's hamper season and I've got a fine pate, a smoked salmon pate.

And it's got a butter ceiling. So the top two millimetres at least is just rock-solid butter that you have to break through. It's kind of like a sort of Dolph Lundgren flat top in the Rocky films, if you recall. Drago? And that's high in protein. I find it too much, so I discard the butter ceiling. What do you mean, you cut it off? I break through it as if I was an Inuit seeking fish.

Yes. And then I scoop it out and take that off and just get stuck into the squidgy. Scoop pate? It's all a bit haphazard. I can't eat a sheet of butter. I mean, for God's sake. Who am I? Robert Carrier.

I mean, it's not... Robert Carrier. When I was living in a council house, I used to watch this film called... this program called Food, Wine and Friends, which was so far from my own life. That's a terrible name for a programme. Food, Wine and Friends.

If it had been coming from Mars, it could not have been more alien to me. Robert Carey, I would say, yes, I'm going to make a... And then you'd see him going to the airport. He would go to France to get some herbs from a field. And then he'd come back. And then Susan Hampshire would visit.

Sounded like describing my childhood so far. And he would cook her a meal and that was food wine and friends I was fascinated by it but I can't there can't be two things happening on earth

that are more different than my life at the time it is but Clive Silas regarding the butter sealing until now

I thought that was just pure fat hashtag idiotic eureka moment live well I'm guessing regarding the butter sealing. Until now, I thought that was just pure fat. Hashtag idiotic eureka moment live. Well, I'm guessing, but it's very yellow and I think it's butter. I must admit, there was a phase where I just thought, oh, as they mix it, it rises to the top and it forms this naturally. How marvellous.

I like the idea of that phase in your life. Very naive, young man. I think it's butter sealing. I'll tell you what it is. It's to preserve... Is that what women in the dairy industry talk about, the butter sealing? It's essentially to... It's like aspic, isn't it? So it's to preserve the pate for longer.

You can eat it. Of course you can cut it off. i wouldn't advise it in company but if that's how you choose to behave so be it well i like i say i took it out more or less wholesale and and i've i've i've finished the pate now and i've ended up with one of those jars what i call a grolsch jar it's got a bit of a groulsh fastener. And it always seems wrong to throw them away because, I don't know, I imagine them in a shed with screws in them, even though that will never happen in my life.

Yes. But it's hard to throw away one of those with the grulsh fastener. You feel you're doing something wrong. But what can I put in it? Just more pate, I think, is the problem. But it comes in its own jar. Well, that use it as some lovely rosemary can you get a packet yeah packet um that's how that you then decant in a sort of like a like an like an icing uh squeezer yeah something like that

don't like the idea of a dock coming through a nozzle you have some I don't like the idea of a duck coming through a nozzle. You have to have some sort of respect for the dead. A duck piping. No, exactly. That just seems wrong to me. I know they're gone, but, you know. They're gone.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.