The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2022 – Part 2

Episode Date: December 31, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award team bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane through the best bits of 2022, including The Queue, Frank’s Royal Variety performance, pine martins and King Charles’ pen.

the best of frank skinner absolute radio morning girls morning greetings to the queue if there's anyone listening in the queue oh possibly could i say i wish we had a live feed of the queue i'm obsessed if you're in the queue and you're listening to this or whatever do let us know because I'd love a Q. When I say the Q I mean capital T capital Q. Yeah. I'd love to have our own The Q correspondent who's down there.

Brilliant. And let us know if you spot any famous faces. You never know. But I'll set off for any Q anecdotes, any Q based anecdotes. I myself two weeks ago queued um to see the relics of saint bernadette oh so i don't mind a queue you know how to live i'm gonna call that a peak you story yes well it's about you know it's what your priorities are and uh i was happy

to queue for that there was a very nice queuing atmosphere, as I'm sure there is in the queue. How long was your queue? Well, it wasn't that long. OK. I queued for half an hour. Oh, fair enough. Well, that's a commitment.

Yeah. What annoyed me is I saw Phil and Holly going in front. Laminates on. They've got form, haven't they? Yeah, not even Catholics. Couldn't believe it. Just nosy. Did you hear the rustling of laminates on they've got form haven't they yeah not even Catholics couldn't believe it just nosy did you hear the rustling of

laminates oh man so yeah so I don't I would say I queued for 18 hours to get

Rolling Stones tickets in 1972 I hope I never reach a stage of my life where there isn't something worth

queuing for do you know what I mean there is a purity to it I hope I never reach a stage of my life where there isn't something worth queuing for. Do you know what I mean? There is a purity to it, which I imagine appeals to your Catholicism. I just think, I bet you there's a great old atmosphere in that queue most of the time. I actually went and had a look. I did my version. I went and had a look at the queue the other day. Yeah.

Just to see what a really big queue looks like. You see, I get queue anxiety. Do you? Yeah. How do you fare in Pret-a-Manger? Well, that's the filter. It throws havoc. I just know that if I joined this particular queue,

when I got to the front of the queue, I'd realise there was a much shorter queue, just a couple of queue lines along. Very much like in a sort of supermarket scenario where somebody was a lot quicker and more efficient at getting people through the queue i'd be like well i had i had an incident in the saint bernadette relics queue you always do they're touring at the moment by the way right um i think it's mainly thigh bone there was rumors there could be a kneecap we don't know for. They don't give you the details.

But it was, I mean, I don't, I went there in all sincerity and prayed at the relics. I'm not trying to pretend it was comedy. But I had a woman in front of me and this is a problem I have in queues. The ones who were looking around at the rest of the queue and stuff. And ahead of them, people have moved forward

and there's a gap of, say, 20 feet. And I'm thinking, would you just move forward? Oh, already that set me off. That set me off. A slow mover in front and a fast mover behind. That's absolute queue anxiety. Guys, I've got an even worse thing. How do we feel?

I don't have to ask how Frank Skinner feels, so let me rephrase this. how do we feel and i don't have to ask how frank skinner feels so let me replace this zoe how do you feel about uh the q joiners oh i was saving my place in the queue oh yeah i have one of those my family are down there yeah and yeah do you don't get to be honest in the saint bernadette queue there's a lot of love and you know what i mean there's a lot of kindness going on no but they're saving the place saving the place I'm not on board with that my wife will do that with for people or we'll spot people in a queue that we know and then we'll go should we join them and I were like never never I would rather spend my last days in this queue Wow respect then do

that you're a formal cue. I'm a very formal cue. It's been often said of me, Frank. One of my cueing... Hello, you're a formal cue. One of my distinctive cueing activities, because I refuse firmly to join in with the modern world fascination with luggage on wheels, and I just carry a bag is I do, when I queue

at the airport, I slide it along with my foot on the ground. That's a every now and again like a horrible dragged Frankenstein eagle foot. Oh man. But I do love a queue. I tell you what, if you've

got any memorable queue anecdotes, if they're from this, the queue, that's great. But I do love a cue. I'll tell you what, if you've got any memorable cue anecdotes, if they're from the cue, that's great, but from any cueing you've done over the years, I've got one actually about the Rolling Stones, which I'll share with you soon. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So, um...

Ultra Magnus, guys, has been in touch. Oh, yeah. Old Marma... I'll start again. Old Ma Magnus. Why am I struggling to say that? You say it. Old Ma Magnus. It's quite weird to say. No, Old Ma Magnus.

Yes. Queued yesterday up at 4am to join it for 6.55am to see HM at 7.10pm. Very good work. Home at 9pm. Oh, that's quite a doubt. But that's something she'll talk about the rest of her life. That's my view on it.

I suspect she will. I'll tell you what I would queue. I'd queue to see the new King sign an official document. With a bick. Well, because one of the highlights of the week, and obviously it's been a difficult week for the country in many ways, but the king, I'm calling him the king because there's this thing of calling him King Charles.

Oh, that king. You know what I mean? You can just call him the king. Also, I heard on Absolute News they said, oh, and King Charles's car is a ride. Absolute News, they said on King Charles's car, and I thought, I don't like Charles's. Do you? Charles's?

What do you think? Charles's. Too many S's. Yeah, it's like a hive, some sort of beehive. There is something strange, though, if the previous person with your job title was Charles II. I know, it looks quite different. Looks quite different. It looks quite different.

But yeah, he was, I'm just calling him the king. I mean, you know, get used to it. Did you quite like it? It almost felt like I was in some sort of 1840s, like, God save the king! God save the king! Yeah, but you know what? I think we've established on this show I'm a bit of a git.

And it's good for me to have people in high places who I think, yeah, I get that. And I was watching the first signing of documents when he became king, and I can't really do it on the radio because a lot of it was gestures, but I don't have a silly little tiny table for two massive documents and an inkwell and some pens.

So he was just... I thought he was just get this i thought he was going to throw it at the bloke and i know that look from an assistant when they look at you like that and you're thinking it was such a case of one job you got one job just give me enough space to sign this anyway the other day in northern ireland best of all he's given a pen the king that leaks oh oh man and he says oh god i hate this and then and then and then he says forgive this it's a quotation of the king so it's all right i can't bear this bloody thing and it's the zinc all over his things are the best of all for me i'd like this on a t-shirt every stinking time oh the rage yeah but what's

the aids doing one pen required to sign your name and it's leaking. Every stinking time is your absolute... Every stinking time. You go away. You should have used the sharpie. They've got to be sacked, those people.

But it's difficult. It's a problem because obviously we know my mother had a rule, no biros. You wrote no biros. Oh, your mum too. Oh, she hated biros.

She would never, ever, ever sign your name with a byro it's she thought it was rude just quills we weren't allowed we had to have so we always had pens in the house she just thought if you're sorry you know when you're signing books to friends and things absolutely i mean when i'm not here i'm sat at the front of my own queue of people waiting for me to sign my... No, I mean when you're giving someone a book. No, no, fair enough. To Zoe, I thought, you know, an inscription. She thought that, so it's things like that.

You have to have a fountain pen for that. But I do, it is a messy business. Oh, no, Bob. It's the king signing an official document. Check the pen out. Have a look at it. Don't just stand around. Do you still get those little cartridges in a fountain pen?

You can do that or you can sock it straight out the jar. There's an option. Did Quink make anything else other than that? Because they were quite... Do you remember Quink? Of course, yeah. But that was all they made.

Yeah. That's enough, isn't it? Ink? I mean, it's fairly well used. Imagine them sitting around going, this will never run out. This will always be popular. Honestly, they might as well have given him a baby squid for what they gave him. Ink all over the place.

Every stinking time. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I just saw footage of David Beckham in the queue on the telly. No footage of me in the St Bernadette queue, I noticed. No. Somewhere.

He'll be on a CCTV camera somewhere. Well, yeah, it's not the same, is it? Just kicking your bag forward. Not the same. Also, I just saw the king in full uniform. I bet they'd get the pens right when he's got the sword on. Get the pens right today, he's wearing the sword. You don't want any leaking.

Imagine if the sword... Right! Who'll use this pen? Every stinking time. That would be great. Frank, we've heard from our wonderful readers. Did I tell you when I met Prince Charles, by the way, when he was Prince Charles?

I insist you do. I met him a few times, but I actually went to Clarence House for a King james bible anniversary um event where he dished out the bible so they all still got that anyway um did he sign it he said to me um i think he has signed it but anyway he said, yeah, well, the pen was all over the place. Now, he said, are you on YouTube? I said, well, I am on there, but I haven't put my,

he said, I've got my own channel now just this week. And he said, he said, I was reading some of the comments and I said, Don't do that. I said, I said exactly what I said. Really, don't, don't read the comments.

And he said, well, I said, no, honestly. And this is, I only said this because he was a prince. I said, I beseech you.

Do not read. When I said it, I thought, what am I saying? beseech you do not when i said it i thought what am i saying at least you avoided saying thee but whatever you think of the royal family just human being to human being i did not want him to look at the comments on his youtube youtube because you can imagine some of the horrors that you don't want to You don't want to be reading what Wyoming64 has to say. No, no, no. Nobody does. No good will come of it. But he said maybe I'll get my assistant to vet them.

So I think that's that. That's a very good idea. Really, really. Obviously we've now established his assistants are basically rubbish, but even so. It's hard to sort of imagine Prince Charles as he was, sort of sitting there, flicking through his iPad, looking at the comments of people.

How dare they? No, but he'd be upset, wouldn't he? It'd be horrible stuff. I remember on the way in, I looked at my phone, and you know when you're offered Wi-Fi? Yeah. And it said, it was something like, Majesty 121 or something

like that came up. I was on his, got offered his Wi-Fi. I'd love it if he had a humour of slightly cheeky. You know when people give Wi-Fi silly names. I always lose about 12% respect for my neighbours when I see that.

Yeah? Like, there was one... A whole 12%. It is about 12%, because it just takes the edge off it. It's like things like two gals. Two gals. Two gals. Two gals and a guy.

Wi-Fi. And I think, oh, no, come on, just call it something sensible. I think I had a neighbour who had their password, or their neighbour had their Wi-Fi was... Hillary Clinton's private server, which always made me laugh. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, well, they'd gone the extra mile.

We've heard from the outside world, Frank. Can I briefly share this with you? We have more in coming. 597, Simon of Sudbury, one of our regulars, as you know. In a former life at boarding school, my friend Donal... Oh, Sir McIntyre. ..suddenly swung round from his desk in front of me, grabbed my royal blue quink ink and drank it.

Oh, my. I asked why. He said, from his newly painted blue mouth, chin and neck, that he was thirsty. He suffered no ill effects. That's Simon of Sudbury. Wow.

I bet he left his mark on various places after that. Lovely. I don't even want to think about it. Every stinking time. Yeah. It's good that he suffered no ill effects. His quink, which that was like most people's ink of choice, Quink, does it now have to be called Kink?

Lovely. Interesting thought. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you see all right, Frank? Oh, she's still standing, isn't she? I think so, yeah. She's still standing isn't she? I think so, yeah. She's still standing.

I don't know if you ever did, but it's best to wear a spot. We're both wearing a suit. Elton, you all right? Oh, I'm fine. What's the matter? Well, you just seem a bit... I'm absolutely fine. Okay.

Is Elton all right? Question. Why does Elton... He's quite an extreme spectacles wearer. He only does square or round. Nothing in between. Oh, he must have done stars. He must have done stars.

Back in the day, he did everything. He certainly did. But do you know what I mean? He's quite... He's a statement spectacles wearer. So either very square or very round. It's based on the windows in play school. His glasses have to fit through. Wasn't there a house?

There was a house in the pipe at once that looked like Elton John. It was a thatch cottage with square upper windows. And it really looked like Elton John. You told me that all the mums in your school playground growing really looked like Elton John. Well, you told me that all the mums in your school playground growing up looked like Elton John. They did look like later Elton John, yeah. You know the people, the yummy mummy, that didn't exist in Birmingham in the 60s and 70s.

Oh, did they not work on that all the way back? They looked like Sir Elton in Big Coat. Yeah. But we loved them. Yeah. Yes, love them. Yeah. Yes, indeed. So, yeah, I don't know where we got to that, but it doesn't matter.

Who cares where we got to as long as we got there. Exactly. That's what Roald Amundsen, I remember, said to me once. Extraordinary. OK. So, I was driving down Park Lane last night. Fancy. Very nice.

And ironically, I couldn't find anywhere to park. Now, that's deliberately misleading people, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So, Emily asked me, not five minutes ago, who was Daryl D.K.? Well, I was intrigued by a video, a West Brom player. He's a West

Brom player, I know that much, but there was a video that seems to have gone viral of him. Well, Daryl D.K., he made a confession this week, which I think you particularly will like, Emily, you being a fashion goddess of old. Yeah.

Less of the old. Less of the old, thank you. Daryl, who arrived at the Albion, what would it be, about eight months ago, I suppose, something like that, and got injured almost immediately. Where did he come from, Barcelona? He's playing in the MSL. Is that what they call it?

The American League? Oh, okay. Yeah, I know what you mean. Major Soccer League. Yeah, so he's playing out there. But he looked the part. He looked like he was going to be great. So he got injured

and then he started this season. Thank goodness he got over it. He got injured again. So he's had time to, you know, reflect, think about stuff, go on social media. And one of the things he's had time to you know reflect think about stuff go on social media and one of the things he's confessed to is having been here for eight months when he first arrived he went out and got all these like his stuff so he could wash his clothes in his lovely flat and all that and he

accidentally he realizes now that for the last eight months he's been washing all his clothes in dishwasher fluid he's got the old powerball going on the small somebody said on Twitter I think he said

he's arriving at the training ground smelling like a Finnish powerball but he had no idea so I don't know what that I wonder if he gets

those lumps of pasta you gets those lumps of pasta. You know those lumps of pasta sauce that just never come off? You have to do them separately with your fingernail. I hate that. Well, I've only just discovered the whole salt thing. Oh, the salt? What is that about?

Somebody said... I said, oh, it's not cleaning properly. They said, oh, if you put the salt in. I said, no, no. I'm not talking about the Victorian wash house that I have in my cellar. I'm talking about a dishwasher, a 21st century dishwasher. Now you have to put salt in.

I bet Daryl Deacon didn't know that. He's probably put it in his washing machine. Salt, that's salt. Yeah, we're cooking fish and chips in his dishwasher. Exactly. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, here's, can I point out something I said this week? Sure.

It shows me to be something of a buffoon. Really? You know, when you meet, I'm always, you know, I try to contribute in the conversation. You certainly do. I'm an entire mechaneffer. And I met Beth England, who is a footballer of some note, Chelsea and ironically England. And there was a Mike England who played for Wales, if you remember him.

Anyway, so I met Beth England, quite exciting England player. And I was asking her about, when I first became aware of women's football, Doncaster Bells were one of the big teams. And I said, I don't really hear of them now. And she said, I used to play for Doncaster Bells and I said are you from up there and she said I'm from

Barnsley and I thought I've got to have a Barnsley and I said that is a weird coincidence I had a Barnsley chop for lunch you didn't say that Frank why did you say that what a small world I said

then after I thought what am I talking about? I think that's really weird, Frank. I know, she must have thought, really? Imagine what would be the equivalent if you said you're from Birmingham. If she'd have come up to you and said... She said, yeah, we've got pollution where we live. The way she looked at me, I don't me, I assume she knows what a Barnsley chop is.

Maybe in Barnsley it's not a thing, they just call it a chop. It's just quite a weird thing. You know a Barnsley chop, you're looking at me confused. No, I don't actually know. I only know because he always goes on about Barnsley chop. It's like a double, it looks like a game. Do you game at all? Well, of course.

It looks like, if you can imagine a game controller, you know, the handset made of meat. I can. Keep talking. That's what it looks like. Lady Gaga. If they ever bring out a game where the controller is made of meat. Yeah, they won't.

I'll be one of those people camping out, like for a royal wedding. Exactly, but... Before it goes on the turn. I've only got three days. But honestly, what a small world I had a Barnsley chop for lunch this morning.

Oh, Frank, I'm so embarrassed. I know. I hope you don't see her again. Imagine what she's telling people about you. You know, it's one of those things that when I look back on it, I can actually make my cheeks get a bit red just thinking about it. If it gets cold in here, I might be glad of that. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What's my big discovery of the week?

You know when a thing happens and you think, oh, you know they say that every day is a school day. When you learn something and you thought, oh, man, I've been wrong all my life about this. And now I have at last seen the truth of it. I was 100% convinced that a pine martin was a bird. I would have put ten grand that a pine... Emily, I can see you were with me on that error. Am I right?

A hundred percent. Really? Yeah. Oh, typical Pierre will know. Of course Pierre knows. He won't just know. He'll know everything about this thing. Yeah, penis martinus.

I wish I hadn't said that. That was an accident. I think you can say that. It's medical. Yeah. You said it with a U. I heard you pronounce the letter U very clearly. Exactly, exactly.

It was Latin. It was the most Latin thing I've ever said. Well, obviously, not the most Latin thing I've ever said. Yeah. I say quite a lot on a Sunday morning. I was going to say. Yes, a pine martin. If someone said, look, there's a pine martin, I'd have looked up.

Yeah. Not into the undergrowth. As long as you didn't translate it from the Latin. No, I'll never do that again. I will never do that again. A pine martin can mind its own Latin business. What is a pine martin? Oh, I like that I don't know.

I want to prolong the ignorance for a bit. Do you? I kind of do. Do you never get that? Well, I feel I've slightly blown its cover now. It's a little furry animal. Stoat-like. It sounds very up my strata.

Yeah. Well, yes, I think one of its well, I know nothing about it other than it doesn't fly. It sounds very up my strata. Yeah. Well, yes. I think one of its... Well, I know nothing about it other than it doesn't fly. I'm taking the facts one at a time. Doesn't fly, not a bird. Yeah. Gobsmacked. Absolute.

A bloke said that we're worried. On the telly, this is how I found out. He said, we're worried that the pine martin population has been reduced. He said, but there's been signs just lately they're coming back. And I thought, well, they're getting a lot of coverage. Plenty of other birds struggling. What, are you thinking, who's their PR?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I don't see as many starlings in the garden as I used to. Yeah. any starlings in the garden as I used to. Yeah. Anyway, I saw there was a documentary about it on PBS, which was Starling the Terror Years or something. So I don't know if that's what got rid of them.

But anyway, yeah, then a picture came up and I thought, I can't even see the Pine Martin. There's some stout in the way. The Pine Martin has been photobombed

by a stout. I mean, somebody should have checked this before they brought it up on the television. But no, it is a furry animal.

And I like the idea that the first link of the show has been established in that single fact. Yes. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. I just saw that Rishi Sunak's slogan is Ready to Rishi. Ready for Rishi. That's right, let's get ready to Rishi. Let's get ready to Rishi. Ready for Rishi. Let's get ready to Rishi. Let's get ready for Rishi. I'm hoping he's going to sing, are you ready?

Are you ready for Rishi? And then all his supporters will go, yes, I am. And they would have that kind of accent. Yes. I can say that. I don't know. I'm allowed.

And less rhythm. I don't know. They would say it like that. They go, yes, I am. Don. I can say that. I don't know. I'm allowed. And less rhythm. I don't know. They would say it like that. They go, yes, I am. Don't forget the blue wall. They might be going, aye, I am. I like the idea of a lot of sort of Winchester choristers going, yes, I am. I'd say he likes a video.

He might be putting that out there. But he'd have them, and then he'd have some blokes with whippets. Yes. But they wouldn't do the S.A.M. They'd go, just to show that they hadn't been completely won over. Yeah.

Let's see how the intercity development goes. Intercity? Inner? Sorry. They changed the lyric a bit, frankly. I don't mind. Are you ready for it? She cut to them.

Happen. Listen, I've got to tell you something. We listen to a lot of Absolute Radio in our house. And I'm not just saying that. I'm not being the company man, but we do. It's on all the time. My partner in particular never puts the radio off. She loves a bit of Dave Barry.

Oh she loves Dave Barry and this week my partner who you've met Pierre. Yes. She has that malapropism thing which in case you're not aware of this is not so much saying well she does say the wrong word, but she gets, if she tries a proverb or something that obvious.

She'll say, here's an example. She didn't actually say this, but just like she'll say, well, he's going to hell in a handlebar. Yes, exactly. There's always something a bit wrong. Well, I'll give you an actual one. She was talking about some bloke who'd done some being caught out in a lie at work and she said he just

looked up like a goldfish in the headlights. Yeah, that's Pete Capp. It's a bit chappaquiddick. But this week I don't know what the subject was but some subject

cropped up and she said oh yeah they were talking about that on Shane and Richie which is which was supposed to be Bush and Richie but have been turned into an Alfie Moon sort of

split personality thing so I know now I will think of them as shane and richie forever think of them i'm never calling them anything else and i like the idea that shane richie's got enough personality for just to be spread into two presenters very emotional documentary about him yeah was it shane who said that or was it richie? Yeah, exactly. But he's got that pop star rock and roll thing and also a cheeky chappy and an actor. I'm seeing it more as a documentary

about trying to find out what happened, in which Lionel Richie investigates what happened to the second series of Shane. Oh, that would be good. I like Lionel Richie as a detective. Well, you do now. He's so obsessed by Shane. Yeah.

He's still around, is he, Lionel? He's still very much around, yeah. I'm glad to hear that. What's your favourite Lionel Richie song? I like Hello. Obviously, I don't know any of his stuff. Don't you dance it on the ceiling? No, I don't like that stuff.

It's got to be dancing. If he did do a documentary, you know that whoever sort of wrote the interstitial bits would be all the puns, all the kind of crow-barring in the title of his song. Dancing on the ceiling. Yeah, and I wasn't dancing on the ceiling when I realised that, you know.

Yeah. That sort of thing. Yeah. If it was about his like, his breakdown, it'd be like dancing on the feeling. Yes, yes. Or something like that. My only objection to that song is I don't like songs

where there's enforced party noises in the background. Like, woo! Yeah. I can't bear that. You're not in a party, you're at a studio. Yeah. OK? All the worse to play a song like that in a sort of massive

empty room. It underlines the contrast. If you did a documentary about getting boils when you're on the International Space Station called Lansing on the ceiling. Oh, fuck. Come on,

weightlessness, boils, how often do you hear those two mixed together? I'm still reeling from interstitial. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I was telling you, I saw something on BBC Breakfast this morning which made me have a bit of a juggle. And now, I don't know the names of these particular presenters, but there's always a man and a woman

on there and the woman I don't she's like a very sort of if like a head girl kind of a

she's the head girl that you're secretly in love with but you're too frightened to tell her because she might hit you with a hockey stick she's got that kind of thing

and they had a man being interviewed who was in Belfast, not the place, but the film. Oh, yeah, the Kenneth Branagh. Kenny Branagh. Ken Branagh.

Has done this. And they had him talking about, you know, the film and how great it was to make it and, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And then he came back to the studio and the guy said to the head girl he said have you seen Belfast

she said yeah not for me really I didn't love it but the kid was good I thought wow respect to Mondo the marker mode she's broken the marker mode.

As in mode. Yeah. Yeah, but it's a great moment of, yeah, not really. God. Yeah. Someone's tearing their hair out in a PR department somewhere. Well, I don't know if she can stop it now. It's a bit of a, it's already on its trajectory to success, isn't it?

Well, it's not something you expect of BBC Breakfast, which is why I like her. I think the trouble is we're getting up early in the morning is you don't know quite what you're saying. Yes. I was on BBC Breakfast and Bill Turnbull said to me, now, you've done some terrible jokes, haven't you? And he rattled off these subjects.

And I said, yeah. I was just... and he went oh and then there was a it just completely and i just i was just tired i was too if you like you like i did those jokes and uh yeah it sort of got me if i tried to defend it but it probably would have become a bigger thing yeah or not that time of the morning. You were so tired that you automatically followed the sort of aristocratic never apologise, never explain. No, it wasn't even that.

I was just fact-checking. Did you count them off on your fingers? I like you've done some terrible jokes, haven't you? Yeah, that's right. That's right, Bill. Coming up next. Exactly. And now, ultimately, the perfect flan.

I'll tell you what I like, though. I like the brunch one. What's that one? Sunday brunch. Oh, yeah, I like that one. Sunday brunch. What is the advice they always, always say to you? The same thing on Sunday brunch. Oh, yeah, I like that one. Sunday brunch. What is the advice they always, always say to you? The same thing on Sunday brunch.

You have to do a photo for the PR. Oh, yeah. A photographer always says, not holding a knife, please. Really? Yeah. In case of future revelations. Just not good for the show. Could be, you know, blah, blah, blah. Making light of blah, blah. Just, just, not good for the show. Could be,

you know, blah, blah, blah, making light of blah, blah. Oh, God. And where do they stand on forks? Well, they never mentioned forks. As long as you don't hold them overhand above your head.

Yeah, that's it. Like a trident. They're okay. No, so, good to know. This is the best of Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Okay. Outside. now so i'm good to know this is the best of frank skinner on absolute radio okay outside we've had a few okay outside outside world tweets we've had a few but not too few to mention that puts me off people a bit when their song i mean it's late to be put off them but if they choose us let's call it their final song my way i told you my my way embarrassment an ex-girlfriend and i went to see robbie williams live at some big arena gig, and he sang my way. And I said to her, come on. I love Robbie, he's got a great voice, but he can't be doing my way, that's ridiculous.

And at the end he said, I'd like to dedicate that to Frank Skinner who's in the audience tonight. You felt such a git. I felt a git, beyond git. Did you? Post-git. Git plus. I like beyond gay git cuz that be your new autobiography no I don't have ever truly got beyond it yes so all this on to stay sane Germany well speaking of trick-or-treating and your your bird

your new bird and Frank. I thought you were going to say your new bird. I thought it was going to be a bit 90s. I was going to say, can't say that. The bowl of sweets by the front door. Are they still there? Well, some of them are. I've eaten most of them.

It's like the holy water bowl when you go in and out of church. Have you got any of the lipsticks? Um, what are they? I said a grandfather clock ticking. Sorry, I was just kicking the lower section of my stool. Don't do that. It does lend a drawing

room atmosphere to the radio show. I like that. It sounds like someone's about to say, come. Pierre always performs in a velvet jacket, of course, and if you're aware of that. It's the sort of noise you'd expect. Oh, he collects the bits.

I think it's the sort of noise you'd expect to hear in the drawing room of the gentleman who said to my father, hello, notice any things? Yes. OK. Oh, so helpful. I do apologise. Pierre was talking and I interrupted.

Well, as a sweet aficionado, Frank, did you see the news that there will be, this Christmas, no bounties in the celebrations? Oh, yes. Well, I'll tell you something about this, is that there was a lot of bounties in the Trick or Treat this year. When I walk past that bowl, it's like walking past a 1980s version of the body shop.

The smell of coconut coming from me. And yeah, so, and I had a bounty out of the bowl and it was, you know when... I think that's still really annoying you. I'm sorry, I don't know where to put my feet. Yeah, but you've got some Dave Allen affair going on around there. Yeah, anyway. So, I forgot what I was saying there.

You were talking about the bounty. Oh, yeah, so I had a bounty out of the trick-or-treat bowl. And you know when chocolate, I believe the term is oxidizes. It's got that. It's not got the white bits. Yeah, it's gone sort of grey on the outside. So that is, I think, someone has had those, well, let's get rid of those bounties.

So I did wonder then if there's an anti-bounty thing. But I was shocked. I mean, everyone's saying, well, you know, this is just a publicity stunt and everyone's talking about it and that's great for them. Well, I mean, like, celebrations need advertising. And also my advertising for them is I shall never buy celebrations again.

And I urge you all to join me in that boycott. Because I think it was Mark Twain who said, whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. And this idea that people don't like... Who? Who are these people who don't like bounty? Well, they're saying it's young people. Oh.

So it's now... There's another seven flavours they can have. But it's now got to the stage. What about Grandma? I'll be all right. It's now got to the stage. You can't even dig your hand in for a chocolate treat without someone saying okay boomer just because of the chocolate you chose that's what they say to us frank i think it's the word if it

is a marketing trick which obviously is it's the worst marketing decision since we were introduced to the man behind the Go Compare opera singer. And he is now in the advert. What, we want to see behind the scenes of the Go Compare man? No. No, we don't want the making of Go Compare. Thanks very much. It's apocalypse now.

Oh, it's the worst idea. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We're talking about the bounty, Frank. Yes. And they are saying 39% of people wanted them banished. Hence the trial removal. I don't like the trial.

I keep referring to it as the trial, like some sinister Kafka experiment. Can I remind you when 48% of people wanted to remain in the EU? Yeah. Of course that didn't happen, because 52... In other words, 52% of the people who voted

wanted to leave. That was that. 39%. When did that win? What is it? Well, exactly... GCSEs? In other words, 52% of the people that voted wanted to leave. That was that. 39%? When did that win? What is it? GCSEs? I think 40% is the past. I didn't even make a GCSE pass.

CSE grade two is what 39% is. And now they're going to act on that by removing the bounty. I'm unhappy about it. I like bounties. Justice for the 60%, Frank. I'm a fan of bounties, I have to say. Are you? OK, boomer.

Yeah. Frank, that's good news. That's good news that Pierre likes the bounty. I'm a man out of time. Look, first they came for the lime barrels, and I did not speak out. And now it's the bounties. I tried to... This will come as no surprise to you,

Frank, having spent so much time in a car with me. I immediately researched the bounty. Of course you did. Did you come across the verb... Or is it an adjective? Enrobed. That is absolutely what I was about to bring up. Hang on, so the chocolate casing, do they use the? Enrobed. That is absolutely what I was about to bring up.

Yes. Hang on, so the chocolate casing, do they use the term enrobed? I've seen it used for other bars. Oh, really? Enrobedment is a chocolatey jargon. It's quite papal. It is? It's quite papal.

I was going to say, they're an inch away from saying it has chocolate raiment. It is, yeah. I wish they'd said that. There are a whole host of words in the chocolate world I've never really... You know when you read the menu on a box of chocolates, I've always thought, how safe do you have to be in life to read the menu of a box? Just have a chop.

If you don't like it spit it out how wrong can it go people saying oh I'm not sure and it's still funny we don't know what they are anyway

oh yeah I'm making a decision based on it being Montelimar what is it what is that what's Pryline that's fine

fondant that's why I favour the roses. Oh. I know they're a bit 1970s pensioner, but hear me out, because... That's my catchment area. I find them more descriptive. That's where you get Golden Barrel and such like. And Hazelnut Swirl and things like that but they and darkness

they ditch my favorite as well did they what was your favorite which was the purple one that had like a it's a big um it's purple wrapper and it had um inside it looked it had a texture on the surface of the it wasn't enrobed it was um it's like a shell and it had a knot on the surface. It wasn't enrobed. It was like a shell. And it had a knot in it. That made me sick. Why would you want to come across that? Look, there are some people in my life, and I thought of this when I was at Comic-Con,

we're outsiders. We don't follow the herd. We have individual tastes. And the idea that that be eradicated, in an age where we celebrate difference, the bounty's going to be removed because 39% don't like it. Everything is wrong about it. Like I say, I will never buy these again.

You'll never buy these again? I won't. This is it for me. Some of the ones that's got through like Twix, Twix Remains, Bounty Girls and Twix. It's a biscuit.

It's a biscuit. What about Malteser Teaser? That makes me ill. I don't mind the Malteser Teaser. No, it's Malteser Tea. What?

Do you understand what that is? Yes. Okay. I know my way. Strangest argument we've ever had. I know my way aroundest argument we've ever had I know my way

around the celebrations I like a Maltese I don't mind a Twixty you know why I don't mind a Twixt I think a Twixty is rubbish basically

I agree I think it's I think it's deliberate it's giving two fingers to the public in a very real way um shnickers

but my view I don't alright but what I what I don't think there's eight varieties so when i get them i think well i won't have those i'll have these i don't think i don't like those so i want those to not be in the box anymore because i don't like them what kind of attitude is that? Yeah, a bit Gittish maybe. I mean, look at the TV ratings. Look at how many good programmes are in the top ten and then look back at the 39% and think again. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I was telling my associates and you all about my day at the Royal Variety Performance, where I was gradually getting more ill and more ill as the day went on, to the point where I said to George Ezra, you must know some things for a throat. Yeah. You said that to George Ezra.

He's very approachable, George Ezra. You must know some things for a throat. No, I said George. I said George. Extraordinary introduction. My throat's killing me. I said, you must know a singer. He said, I work with a woman

and she used to swear by wearing wet socks for a sore throat. I said, George, I don't want you talking about it. He said, I didn't get it. But yeah, she used to wear them on the tour bus. You must have thought you were having a sort of fevered vision. Yeah, exactly. George Ezra mumbling to you about wet socks.

And then we discussed Tom. I'd seen Tom Jones, an audience with Tom Jones, and George Ezra said, yeah, he likes a vocal zone. I said, he does. He said, I've seen him shoving them in the tops of his gums. And when I saw him doing the thing, he had about 20 during the recording the Tom Jones thing, anyway so that was that

I'm name dropping a bit it's hard not to when you're at the variety performance so we went out for the dress rehearsal, we were singing Three Lions and I was I've sang some bad versions of it

but it was honestly like... That's how it came out. And I looked across, and I looked across at the orchestra. I thought they'll be mocking me. And who was sitting in the box seat? Who was it? Dave Arch.

Oh, shut up. Dave Arch, the King of Strictly. So I went over and I said Dave I'm such a massive he goes oh no come on I said I'm going to see you're a legend

I said we're talking about you on the radio he said oh come on he was really sort of I said I really want a photo but I don't have my camera with me I said I'm just

so I just sort of you know I we shook hands and stuff so he's probably ill now and he was alright

last night if I can tell. But I thought it was an interesting thing, sort of spiritual selfie. I just sort of stood by him, and I thought I'll carry that in my heart instead of my phone. What should we call Dave Arch fans? Can we think of one? We can't do this all day.

I didn't say all day. I did not say all day. I said Dave Arch. Okay. Oh, I don't know what we'm going to name a lot of things all day i did not say okay i said dave arch okay um oh i don't know what we're going to call them archie texts lovely oh i thought that wasn't a million miles away from uh chivalry one of my all-time lows absolute radio the best of frank skinner absolute radio so ross buchanan played uh three lines it's coming home for christmas i think it's called and the driver turned and said uh so that's some more money for you that's what they all it's always the one but then ross buchanan about ten minutes later, said,

right, now I'm going to play my first Christmas song of the year. And I thought, hold on. So anyway, I'm going to get in touch with him about it. Oh, I'm sure he'll look forward to that. No, he's a very lovely fellow. So what else happened at the Royal? Well, you know what usually happens? I struggled, I croaked through, I mean, really,

was in physical pain singing three lines, but got through it. I did get to play ukulele with Chic. Oh. And Niall Rogers and Sam Ryder. Oh. at Niall Rogers and Sam Ryder. And Sam Ryder, I've got to say, is beyond the nicest man you could ever meet in your life. I wanted to just... Oh, I want to move into a commune with him and Becky Hill.

Anyway, not everyone I met was nice. And we have our royal thing. Not everyone I met was nice. Then we have our royal thing. Now, it was Prince Edward and Sophie Wessex, as she's called. I think the Earl and Countess of Wessex and Forfar is their official title, which must be, given all the other, the older siblings, all the good places like Wales,

and then they say, right, so a fictional, not fictional, we'll have an Anglo-Saxon kingdom that doesn't exist anymore and a Scottish League Division 2 football club. That's for you to, mum, that's it. What I like about Forfar is it sounds very much That's for you to... Mum, that's it. What I like about Forfar is it sounds very much what an aristocrat would call a grandparent or a parent. Jacob Rees-Morgul, like, Forfar. Like Forfar.

Or an aristocrat laughing. So anyway, we lined up and, you know, they all come. You wait for them and they come and say something. So it's the modern world. So Sophie led the way. They all come. You wait for them and they come and say something. So it's the modern world. So Sophie led the way. And bear in mind, I'd had a really hard day and I'd battled on like a trooper. So she comes up, me and Dave,

and she says, well, don't give up your day job. and she says, well, don't give up your day job. I thought, no, this is not how the royal walk thing works. What's her job? And we honestly said, pardon? And it was like, no, it's supposed to be just banal compliments. Well done. And I said,

well, was it that bad? And she said, well, you know, I could tell, you know, it's not what you do. And I said, Oh. She's got the line wrong, hasn't she? Well, normally we're like, you know, comics. She said, yeah, but you're on screen, aren't you?

You're not used to a live crowd. I said, well, we've done a bit of life stuff you know stand up and stuff but she's sticking with it she said yeah but you haven't done anywhere the size of this i said look i did the palladium last sunday and i thought she looked at me like you're not supposed to be arguing i don't think you're supposed to be arguing with me you're supposed to just not it was a really like awkward thing and then he comes over um edward punches you in the face uh it won't be as good as that but i'll tell you after this the best of frank skinner on absolute radio i don't know if this is old age the fact i was ill or the fact it was prince edward but It won't be as good as that, but I'll tell you after this. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I don't know if this is old age, the fact I was ill,

or the fact it was Prince Edward, but I can't remember the first thing he said to me. I said, oh, well, that's a good review, because that was also quite a negative thing about our performance. But I can't remember what it was. If David Baddiel's listening he might remind me but he went on to say that a lot of people think that he is Charles's son not his brother and as he was never in my life met anyone who thinks that but um fine and uh and then i don't know i mean don't get me wrong they were they were sort of you know they were nice i think what's happened is they

don't really do this stuff much and they're a bit um they've been a bit reduced in numbers for various reasons and so they're being pulled out to do this and it's a bit of a skill just talking to someone for ten minutes and not upsetting them. But there was a bit where it just died, the conversation, which it never happens with the royals. It just died and there was a moment which probably was three seconds and felt like ten minutes.

And he said, so, things are well? And I thought, no, come on. And in the end I started to think, oh, I wanted to put my arm round him a bit. I think it's tough. Well, if you're not match fit either. No, exactly. Rusty off the bench. That's it.

They've been called off. It's like when the reserve goalie comes off. You know what I mean? He wasn't even expecting it. I'll wear my gloves. Oh, man. You didn't see Prince Edward and his waterproofs and trackies jogging on the spot? No.

It was... How did he round things off? Was he a good finisher? I think he was just... Just spat on the floor and stomped off. He just slapped me across the... Poked you with his cane in the eye. She was...

Also, I got a bit distracted when he was talking to us. Do you remember I told you, think back, I went to Gifford Circus and there was two women who hung by their hair from high. Do you remember me telling you about that? And I was fascinated. I took photos so that I could sort of, you know,

when you do that thing that make your picture go bigger on your phone. Yeah. To see if I could see any connection that was fake in it. But the bigger it went, the more it was just someone hanging by their hair. It's incredible. So I was very keen to go and speak to them, and they were in the line-up later on, but they went quite quickly.

But I was talking to Maisie Adam, the comedian, and she said, she didn't know what they did, because you don't get to see everyone's act, but she said uh they went off and um and then they came back into the changing the dressing room later um with ice packs on their heads so it was really really hurt the hair switch oh man it must be tearing away their scalps. Do you think there was a chance that the ice packs were just having spoken to Sophie Wessex?

Oh, I feel bad now about Sophie. It was, you know, I was rubbish, and they were, like I say... It's a bit insensitive having hair-based acts, though. I'm just saying. Why? There are people present who maybe that's not. I think you wouldn't want hair if you saw someone with an ice pack on their head

because their hair was hurting so much. Did Edward talk to everyone then? Oh, yeah. They did the full rounds. I'm sure it went well everywhere. Maybe I was just... I don't know. Oh, sure it went well everywhere. Maybe I was just... I don't know. Oh, anyway, that was it.

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I would like to formally thank you for my wonderful Christmas present which you gave me this morning. It was... I mean, very

simply, it's Brian Blessed's autobiography and it's called Absolute Pandemonium. Yes. Which I would love him to do that show. I'd love him to do that. Yeah, that would be a great show on here. And then what he's done, I tell you what Brian's done, what he's done, he's, some might say rather unnecessarily, he's got a little subtitle. Yes. And he's put in, obviously in block caps, My Louder Than Life Story.

Well, I, as I said, I wondered if the whole book might be in block capitals to suggest shouting. But he hasn't done that. He's gone lowercase. There's nothing lowercase about Brian Blessed, is there? No. I'm so excited.

Some of the pictures, I mean, there are some fabulous, a lot of Mark Antony with a lot of heavy theatre make-up on. Oh, fabulous. It's going to be good. Thank you so much. My pleasure. So, meanwhile, I turned to get the title of my book, but The Philosophy of... I can't remember what it's called, but it's a Bob Dylan book about philosophy of modern song.

I can't see the title for me. It was one of those great moments when I saw it in a shop and I thought I'm going to treat myself to that. And I didn't get it. And then someone has bought it for me. Resultamundo. Yeah. Oh, here's the thing. You know what?

This happens to me. You might not know about this, Pierre, unless Oh, here's the thing. You know what? This happens to me. You might not know about this, Pierre, unless it came up in the van. But every now and again, I am struck as if anew by the fact... It's always Test cricket. I got up a couple of days ago

and Test cricket, live from Pakistan, was on my television. And I have this. I would say to my partner, what about that? Actually, that's actually happening in Pakistan now. We can see it here. And look, this time I embroidered it. I said, and look, there's snow outside.

And we can see what's happening in Pakistan. And it really, I'm not, it really excites me. Oh, I'm so pleased for you. I'm going to say exhilarates. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Bringing that old catchphrase back. That I do believe it, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, wasn't it? I had another realisation this week. I went to Ryman's, which is one of my favourite days out. Where else did you go? Beach, perhaps? 1972 did you go to? I love stationery though, in all its manifestations.

And I bought they had some big four colours originals. Sure. You know the ones I mean? The biro with a slide so you can write. Now I do a lot of colour coding in my stand-up writing so I'll write

in black and then I'll go through and underline some stuff in blue and then some stuff gets red. Hang on, what do you mean with a slide? So you've got four columns in the same pen. Yeah. You must remember this, baby. Oh, those! Yes. And I saw this thing,

there was a three-pack, I'll be straight with you, and I thought, hold on, I could just have one pen in my pocket instead of having to have a black one, a blue one, and a red one. And I've got green as a bonus. And it was like a moment of, oh, my God.

I hadn't thought of that. So I bought us a three-pack, and he had two big four-colour originals, and one I haven't even tried yet, because I'm so excited, I don't want to rush you. A big four-collar pro what does that do what does that do no training wheels on this pen maybe i just think green and the slide slowly goes down but what does the pro do that the um

original doesn't do are you ready for the pro though do you think well when do i does the pro do that the original doesn't do? Are you ready for the pro, though, do you think? Well, when do I try the pro? I'm putting it off, I'm putting it off. Build a day of recovery. And it's black, the pro. Is it? Yeah, it's like a night... What sort of nib size are we...

Night pen. What nib size are we talking? Nib. Nib, if you mistake me for Charles Dickens. The biro. Sorry, so do you dispense with the concept of the nib? It's a ball operator. It's a ball, but I would still call the tip the nib.

We are not allowed to refuse nibs. No, it's not a nib. It's a standard. I don't know what it is on the Pro. It might flare out into like a... You know those brushes that you see jazz drummers using? It might have something like... Who knows what the Pro will be?

I'll have to tell you after the holidays if I've dared to try it by then. I'm really expecting... If there's a stationary enthusiast who knows what the big four-collar pro does that the big four-collar original does, I'm happy to have my joy anticipated. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. So last week, no, it was two weeks ago in fact, you'd been discussing the best underwater remake of an existing thing. Things that normally are on dry land but get done underwater, like chess was my example. Yes. And Matthew Richardson has tweeted the show saying, underwater hockey.

Oh. Apparently is a thing. It's also known as octopus. Wow. Sorry, is that based on Sean Connery trying to say half of the film Roger Moore was him? Very fine. Or is it someone coaching an octopus giving birth?

I mean, that would be quite a sight for sore eyes. Well, wouldn't it, though? Which legs are you going to open? Do you like octopi? No. That's the best response to that question. I don't think they're disgusting. They're really the most vile-looking creatures I've ever seen in my life.

Anyway. You can't leave me at anyway. No, disgusting. There's nothing about them. Their eyes are in, like, the wrong place. The soccer things. Ink? Ink?

I mean, what's going on who takes ink out as a defense your dad who's charles dickens being attacked and also distinguish yourself from a squid i have no idea which is which you know get it it's like when you're doing shopping at the supermarket put the separator there so we know where the squid ends and the octopus where are the eyes frank are they on the top of the head where are they indeed and that sort of, it's like a beak they've got. It's so disgusting.

They've got like a pointed opening beak thing. Have they? Yeah, so they could hold a sheet of newspaper or something if they needed to. Maybe a note if it was an octopus football match. The animal kingdom is being taken down. You did Pine Martins the other week. Yeah, I've got nothing against Pine Martins, but, man. I tell you what, I'm not overly fond of anything in the sea.

Really? Yeah. Do you know what? I've never seen eye to eye with these people. Whenever I go in there, I just... It's a different world. You know what I think? You're all right.

You can have it. You're welcome to your aquatic adventures it's it's um it's exactly the sort of approach that aquaman and prince namor are looking for from us land lobbers but frank they've always got weird eyes they got all the deeper you get the worse they get that's why because there's no teeth there's no mirrors down there, clearly. Would it kill them to clean their teeth? Have you seen the teeth on these things? I don't even want to think about it. For Queer Eye, we'll get Queer Eye onto the underwater kingdom.

I saw a fish, I mean, not in real life, because I would never have gone down that deep, because I know what they look like down there. Massive mouth with these disgusting teeth. Exactly. Get a bit closer. You know the aquapoise lampfishes that have that? Get a bit closer to one of them and have a look at yourself.

This is blobfish shaming. Stay down there. Fine, it's dark. If you're going to come up phone the aqua poise fish and just say how do I look

does my beak look big in this says the octopus anyway I don't think we saw that conversation coming

thank you for listening to us this morning Steve it's great to see you. Thank you. You too. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back. Well, I hope the creaks don't rise with those monsters in it.

We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.