The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2023 – Part 1

Episode Date: December 23, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane through the best bits of 2023, including Frank’s investiture, the King’s Coronation quiche and black lemonade.

This is Frank Skinner MBE on Absolute Radio with the commoner Emily Dean and the colonial Pierre Novelli. Wow. Can you believe it? No, I can't believe I'm a commoner. No, I know it is shocking. If someone came in here and said spot the commoner, I don't think you'd be the first choice.

But, you know. You are, I have to say, Frank, worryingly good at keeping secrets, I'm discovering. Ah, yes. Because, I mean, I would have had it everywhere, wouldn't you, Pierre? It would have been on the correspondence cards already. The credit card would have been changed. The quote that people have used mainly, I've noticed,

when they talk about veteran comic Frank Skinner getting an MBE, is that I said, I didn't tell anyone because I was concerned it might be an administrative error, but it wasn't a joke. concerned it might be an administrative error. But it wasn't a joke. I actually did think, what could be worse, as Oliver Hardy would say, than to tell everyone you've got an MBE, and then it was like the man who did Skinner's dog foods,

you know, that thing for working dogs. And on the day, like I've've always my heart has always bled for the the woman from rod stewart's hot legs video who um whose only her legs appear imagine she said to her mom and dad i'm gonna be in the rod stewart video really excited family gather round mtv that night and then it's just her legs. So I didn't want to be that girl. No, you didn't want to be. I know someone who was airbrushed off a magazine cover once. Exactly.

There's many a slip, twixt, cop and lip. That's the way I saw it. So eventually I thought I better tell my partner. I'll tell her the day before. I was anxious about telling Kath because... Why? Well, as you know, she's the woman who, when I said I was playing at the Albert Hall in front of the Queen

and said, do you want to come? And she said, who else is on? So she keeps my feet on the ground, I think. Some might say my face. She keeps my face on the ground. No, so I told Kath, I said, look, I've got an award. And she said, what is it? I said, it's an MBE.

And she said, well, what do you think about that? And she said, well, what do you think about that? I said, I'm pleased about it. And she went, oh, okay. How was that? That was that conversation. Did she seriously respond? She honestly did, yeah.

I love her. That's like a teacher saying, how do you think that exam went? Exactly, exactly. But what was I supposed to say? I'll tell you what it is as well, Pia. It's when people come back to the show and say afterwards, how did you think it went? Oh, no.

Famously, of course, the go back after the show and say, well, you've done it again, is the famous one, which is... She's saving that up for when you get the OBE. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, so it was... Other than that, I got lots of very, very nice texts from people in this room. On the day... I was once incarcerated in a house for three days.

And if you remember, there was a programme called The Bobble. Oh, yeah, you did it with Vicky Corrin, didn't you? I did it twice. The first time with Vicky Corrin. No, the one that went out was with, I never call her Vicky, it was Victoria Corrin Mitchell and Reg D... Hunter. Yeah.

And the idea is you're locked away in a house for like three days with no phone, no telephone, no radio. And when you come out, they ask you news stories, whether they're real or not real. And when we got our phones back, the researcher handed my phone back, reeling. She was reeling. And she said, I just wanted to tell you,

you've been away for four days and you've had four texts and three emails in that time. And of course I said, well, I've told people I wouldn't be able to, but I thought, no, that's my average. That's nicely averaged out. But on the day it was announced, I got like 70 texts and emails. And I thought, how do popular people get anything done? It's a nightmare yeah yeah so you know when they say um that success makes people unpopular i think being unpopular might make people successful

because they got more time on their hands it's honestly i just I answered them all, you know. Did you? Oh, that's adorable. Full-time job. People I'd heard of from like 25 years. Still not paying them back. Good morning to you. Morning. Special morning.

Special day. Yes. In case you didn't catch this earlier it is my birthday today i've already opened gifts which is exciting um including um some headed notepaper i've been bought which says at the top from the desk of frank skinner, MBE, which, I mean, who do I send? I think that'd be good maybe for querying a parking ticket. Do you know what? I just wonder if that would still have some sway. A vague threat.

Yeah. You'll regret this. It's a very nice way of saying, do you know who I am? I'm calling it passive-aggressive stationery, and I'm here for it. I'm calling it passive aggressive stationary and I'm here for it. I'm 66 today. I think the more things I get with my name on

the more helpful. Just as an aide de mémoire. It's not far from when I'm saying do you know who I am it will be a genuine heartfelt enquiry. The slip from rhetoric to need. Oh what a thought.

What a thought. Bold! Have you seen the advert where they've changed the words of gold? They haven't. So it says, like, gold! Not bold, rather. You know bold, the washing up? Bold, and it's got built-in Lenore.

It's stuff like that that might not be the actual words. But you know it's got Lenore. You know the thing with Bold, and I'm not advertising it because I don't know where our washing machine is. No. That showed you in a lovely light. Yes. But Bold has a big thing on the front of it

that says something like, includes Lenore. And Lenore gets it down like, I think, what, this is going to draw me into my Bold. Oh, hold on, look. Contains Lenore. That's a bonus. I'm so sick of mixing my own Bold and Lenore. Yeah, exactly.

In a big bath in the garden. Ready-made Bold Lenore cocktail. I knew. I mean, I don't want to get something that hasn't got Lenore. Lenore? Bold! Plenty of Lenore.

Anyway. Lenore is quite a whimsical name for a detergent. What is it? What is Lenore? It's fabric softener, isn't it? The thing about Lenore's quite a whimsical name What is it? What is Lenore? It's a fabric softener isn't it? And if you took The thing about Lenore If there was a contractual disagreement What would be missing from Ball

That Lenore brought to it? It's a softener isn't it? Is it? I think so The beauty of Lenore Is it's mystery Yes you're probably right You don't want to start

Unraveling Lenore's mystery Trust. Yes, you're probably right. You don't want to start unravelling Lenore's mystery, trust me. Okay, I'll leave it there. I went down that road once. Yeah. That's the other thing I hate, when adverts cut songs, you know they have to cut songs,

but you get really unsettling cuts. But they don't resolve the... So there's like a holiday one at the moment, and they use Tomorrow from Annie, which is one of my favourite musicals ever.

Oh, do they do a mash-up? And it sort of goes, the sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow. And you think, no. No. No, it doesn't happen there. That's horrible. There's no build.

That's not nice. You've taken the Grey and Lonely out and cut straight to the sunshine. They might have left Grey and Lonely, but they'd certainly, they get way too early to the the heartfelt tomorrow tomorrow yeah when an advert has to be aggressively trimmed down for a small slot guys one of the worst ones was everybody yeah chicken satay no i'm not having that i I like street boys. Yeah, you've actually sold it accidentally quite well. Does it come with Lenore?

That's one of the great years in the song. What? Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you. You can say I love you. Fabulous. Yes, that's the trouble. The orphanage has damaged her vocabulary forever. Oh, man.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I went on a walking holiday last week. Me and Kath,ath we love a walking holiday my partner so we um what we did is we just got the train to reading and then walked back to london from there and um not in a day three days and um we what you do there's a system by which you go off on your walk that morning with your little backpack, packed lunch, you know, a bottle of water, map even. Oh.

And then someone comes, a driver man, and, oh lady, and takes your bag to the next to your next uh destination ah so you still have your luggage yeah so you don't have to carry all the heavy stuff i know it's a bit of a cheap but it's it's a nice one it's based on the old sort of native bearer theory of uh you know the sort of upside down lion on a stick. It's that kind of process. But it makes it an easier thing. But we're doing 20 miles a day, you know. I'm an order man, Commander.

So when he rode up, we were staying at the De Vere in Old Windsor. OK. We don't normally do a hotel. We favour a B&B. But anyway, we ended up at the Devere, big hotel and I went for breakfast

and this woman said oh my god, Alan Carr and I said no, she said I'm honestly not, she said you are, I said I'm honestly she said well she said you sound exactly like him. Now, I'm going to allow a bit of, you know,

a bit of wiggle room in a lookalike, but I do not sound exactly like Alan Carr. No. I mean, I had gone down and said, can I have breakfast, please? No, I hadn't done that. I mean, I had gone down and said, oh, can I have breakfast, please? No, I hadn't done that.

I hadn't done that. But, she was very insistent this woman. Really? And, Kath... I hope Alan's

listened to your impression of him. I think he'll be alright. I hope he is. We love him. So, I, yeah, this probably happens to him all the time and people think he's...

No, I doubt it. So, she was very convinced and I said to Katta, we should tell her. And I said, no, let her believe I'm Alan Carr because in 2023, Alan Carr is a much more exciting encounter than I am and she said well I'm

going to tell her so she said to the woman he's not Alan Carr and the woman you could see was thinking I know he is for sure yeah you're trying to hide your fame and she said he's Frank Skinner.

And I saw the woman, speaking of extraneous noises, the woman went, oh. I could feel the ladle going a little deeper into her memory. Goulash. The pause, Frank, the pause is cruel but i think she might have found me down there at the bottom of the cauldron they always do yeah and she went oh yeah can i have a photo and um i said i said i said oh, no, no, I didn't. I said, stop it.

I said, OK, but I've just got to go and do something in the room and then on the way out, we'll come and see you for a photo. And she said, oh, you won't come back. I said, no, honestly, I will come back. So I'll tell you after this what happened when we went back. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So I went, if you remember

I'm at the De Vere in Old Windsor. Sounds like an old colonel. A character from the Archers. I'll be staying at the De Vere. It's the biggest hotel I've ever been in. The dining room. I thought they'd done that thing that they do in places sometimes. The De Vere is a chain, we should say, I believe.

Well, this place, I thought they had a mirror, a mirrored wall to make it look massive, the dining room. But no, it was massive. All right. Yeah. Anyway, so not that we got into the dining room because we had the dog with us, so we had to eat just outside the dining room.

No dogs at that. Where were you sat? What, did you have to sit down? There was a bar nearby, so we had breakfast in there. Oh, in the doghouse. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, I went back to do the photo, because, you know, man of the people.

Yeah. So when I went back, I met this guy. He came over and said hello, and I thought, God, I know you, and he used to go to my church. Oh, right. It's called Brendan, and he was there with the Catholic Voices Convention. Right. Yeah.

Voices. Let's get that spelling right. Yes. Not vices. And so there was a few hundred Catholics packed into the place. It used to be a Catholic boarding school, this hotel. I don't know if that's what drew them in. Well, I know that's what drew you in.

Yeah. Well, they said, go and have a look at the chapel. And I went and had a look at the chapel, and it's like tables and chairs in there and stuff. It's like for weddings. Oh. Oh. Anyway. So I went for weddings. Anyway,

so I went to do me photo and I had a chat with Brendan and then I went over to the lady and she said, oh hello again. She said, thanks for coming back. She said, oh I heard about your dog. I said, what about my dog? She said,

it pooed in the corridor. I said, it absolutely didn't. I said, we've been with it all. She said, what about my dog? She said, it pooed in the corridor. I said, it absolutely didn't. I said, we've been with it all. She said, oh, no, no, everyone's saying it did. I said, everyone? And then Brendan said, yeah, some of the Catholic voices, people were saying your dog had pooed. I said, what?

Gone through Catholic voices? First Alan Carr, now this. Exactly. How many voices am I expected to speak in? So I said, my dog has not... I've been with her all the time. It just didn't happen. And this woman was saying, oh, yeah, it did.

It did. Your dog did. So we went to reception and I said, look. I don't like where this is going, Pierre. No, see here. I said. Look here. I said, look, there's a story going around the hotel.

You should have stayed Alan Carr. Yes. I said to Kath, I said, if you if you'd get your mouth shot it would have been alan carr's dog yeah the story would only have unraveled when the woman said yes alan carr was here with his wife yeah that would that would have been a shocker i think that would have overdone the pooing element he was here with his what? And the dog pooed. Never mind that. What was he here with?

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. People have been in touch. Good. Firstly, just a quick quasi for you from Donna Tibby. Yeah. Do you prefer to be called Francis, Frankie or Frank? No, I think Frank is...

I think the only person who's called me Frankie was a man who worked in the Versace shop in Milan. Really? He was... Frankie. I'm going to need a little more than that. Well, I went in there with... I was filming for a sort of holiday show.

And I went in there to try on some leather donkeries. Has this been generated by AI, this anecdote? Yeah. Has this been generated by Zoolander, this anecdote? What the hell is going on? I must have told you this story before we went

we left he was very sort of nice man oh Frankie you're that welcome to my show oh Frankie Frankie you look

fantastic he was like this and then and then I went out into the street and suddenly there was gunfire I must have told you this story.

There was gunfire and guys drove past in a car, literally hanging out the window, firing guns. God. And it hit the masonry above us and stuff fell down. So this policeman started waving his arms and shouting, but obviously I didn't know what he was saying, but everyone started running. And I used to tell, I don't know if I can still tell this story,

one thing that stuck in my mind at the time was we ran and there was this woman running ahead of me, a attractive woman, like short skirt and all that, and I remember thinking, oh, she's all right. And that was in the very face of death. The very jaws of death. that's quite a depressing final thought yeah so anyway

we all went into like a side alley and then the police all went round so we could hear gunfire in the distance and suddenly a voice from a window went Frankie! Frankie! Are you okay? from the facade sprinting away in your leather dungarees oh man Frankie, Frankie, are you OK? From the first start. Sprinting away in your leather dungarees.

Oh, man. No, I hadn't got those on then. I'd left them in the shop. This is like a cross between The Godfather and a carry-on film. Well... It was more... I mean, what happened, that was basically the bit that involved me, but the camera crew filmed the police arresting these guys.

Oh, they got them? Yeah. And one thing they did is they had one guy in the gutter and they had their boot on his throat. And they filmed that and then they took the film to a news station in Milan. And when we got back to the hotel, there was about 10 police there.

And is the word compounded when they take... What's the word? Impounded? Impounded. They impounded... Can I just check something? Were you still wearing the leather donkeys? No, no, I never bought them.

The idea was I just tried them on. Can I say I kind of wish you had? They were really loose as well. I could fish in them. Oh, yes. Waders. So, yeah, so the police came and took the whole day's shoot away and they had to go and see a judge at, like, two in the morning

and he had to decide what we could keep and what we couldn't. So they took all that, the shooting stuff. Sorry, I don't know how that story came out but it was literally came from do you prefer to be called frank or frankie and now suddenly we find ourselves in a shootout wearing leather dungarees frank skinner everyone who'd have thought great oak trees from little acorns grow that's that's what the guy in the shop told me. I said they're quite baggy, this room. God's sake.

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, look, I went to Buckingham Palace on Thursday for my investiture. And it was all right. So what should we talk about now? So it was the Princess Royal was presenting. And? Yeah, and the Princess Royal as opposed to... Did they put royal on the end so they know Yeah, and the princess royal as opposed to...

Did they put royal on the end so they know we're not just calling her a bit of a princess? I mean, there's a king royal, if you think about it. There's certainly a king royal. Yeah. There are dukes and there are royal dukes, and those are different. I know, but a princess... Surely. You don't need to bring up the royal it's a given now anyway i don't want to go on a limb here but did she perchance have her hair back from her face

because she favors that style i love that style yes she she did have that love her well let me tell you get briefed you're in a room with people who have got it for all sorts of services too. Services too is the phrase of the day. Yes. Like someone had got a medal for services to swans and other water birds. Really? I wasn't even familiar with the term water bird. I didn't know that was a term. I mainly focus on the air birds the

main category so you get your briefing there's a man in a uniform who is referred to as the controller okay that's nice and like um thomas the tank engine but slimmer and um he stands in a room and he says right now when you go in because this is in a separate when you go in to that room the princess royal will be standing on a mat very similar to this one and then he gestures towards a red mat with a rectangular red mat with a golden edge all the way around it. And he said, she does not step off that mat and you must not step on it. And I thought, all right. Sounds a bit edgy about it.

And he said, can you approach her? He said, you'll be stopped by. And then it was like the Viscount Cardinal. Yeah. he said you'll be stopped by and then it was like the vicount cardinal yeah um archbishop minister of the interior will be standing there in his uniform he'll stop you and then when you're free you go he said you approach the princess royal and he said approach her in a slow and a natural walk. In other words, there are armed men in that room. Can I recommend against sprinting wildly

towards her sacred mat? He looks at me and he thought he's a bolter. That guy's a bolter. But it might have for a... Hands up full Usain Bolt. Can you imagine the the frock coat, the tails flying behind you?

Full spear tackle. I'm so excited. I just race away. Oh, I've been shot. Your Majesty, I brought you my favourite knife from home. Exactly. Yeah, we autographed my lump hammer. So what was it again? Slow and... exactly yeah we we autographed my lump hammer so and he says

when you what was it again slow and in a slow and natural manner do you know what I love I love natural yeah

I'd say there's a so don't walk up don't do jazz hands yeah yeah yeah don't walk slowly hey come on Dan princess royal

princess royal no don't do that. Frank, I'd like it if you did a Bob Fosse Chicago walk. What if he'd said, don't put Royal in inverted air commas? He hates that. We will shoot off your fingers if you do that. Oh, man.

So, and he said, yeah, he said the mat will be like this one, so we'd recognise the mat. I just thought, it'll be the mat with her on it. We have scattered several decoy mats for security reasons. So it's like, it was like, I tell you what, it's like a manager's technical area. She has to stay in the mat and we don't stray into it. She doesn't come out like like Arteta all the time. No, but

who knew there was like an exclusive royal mat? Is the mat like a sort of bath mat size? It's about so long and about so wide. I can't see that. It's a rectangle. Sorry, I forgot it was on radio. It's a rectangle

I'd say two, three foot by four foot maybe. What would have happened, I'd say, two, two, three foot by four foot, maybe. What would have happened if you'd have crossed the mat, do you think? Oh,

I just, I think, well, to be fair, she stands right at the edge of the mat with her toe virtually on the goal.

I mean, I looked over my shoulder for a dartboard. There's an element of hockey about the golden braid. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

So you've looked up. I've looked up. You're on the map. Looking down is the key. That's the other thing you're told. It's that before you approached in a natural, slow, non-controversial manner. You walked towards the Royal Mat.

And then you stop in front of the mat about a metre. And then you bow. But he says, bow from the neck, not from the waist. He said. And I thought, I think the danger is a man my age could bow from the waist, topple, and I'd be mown down before I reached. Richard's gravity would finish me off. Yes.

Yeah. You'd hit the mat with your head. Oh, God, what? Touch the mat? Yeah. Get out of here. Even as a body. Oh, no.

Never touch the mat? Yeah. Get out of here. Even as a body. Oh, no. Never touch the mat. I'm imagining it's some sort of hovering, you know, they look like Baby Yoda in The Mandalorian. When you all leave the room. Well, how does she get in the room if she can't leave the mat? Is she dragged in on the mat? Like a magic carpet. Does she mat surf? So she's like this, a bit slower, a bit more at the left,

and they sort of pull her in. Well, they have to pick up all the sort of stepping stone mats that got her to that mat. Oh, yeah. And they'll quickly lift them up or she'll just go back. I bet they just bought one of those carpet squares books. Yeah. Anyway, so I finally, because you're passing as well.

You know when you go, I don't know if you've ever been. How was it like inside, Frank? Too gold. I've never heard of anything too gold. Really? No, it was too gold. It's the goldest place I've ever been in my life, Buckingham Palace. Is it?

Everything. Is it all about gold? The ceilings, the walls. I mean, it's dripping with gold. Is it quite dictator chic? It's quite nouveau riche, considering it's absolutely as old riche as you... The guy asked a guy about it.

He said, well, we haven't... The last furniture, he said the newest furniture in here is 1830. Oh, my God. You know when you get to, like, a posh house and there's a suit of armour in the corner? Well, there was those. Yes, I've seen American rom-coms. Well, there was that, but there was people in them.

So there was guys in proper silver helmets and breastplates just standing intermittently, like you get intermittent chairs in a hotel corridor. Household cavalry, yeah. Was there people in the armours? There was people in there. Please tell me you checked your hair in the breastplates of one of them. No, the men, I mean, the men,

they all have that stare straight ahead. You can't join into conversation. They don't walk slow and natural, do they? They don't move. Oh, they clank. But they've got swords, these guys. Shut up. Some have got guns, some have got swords. Just to keep you guessing. Yeah, exactly.

Just in case you don't walk natural enough. Be careful. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So, yes, the hook. When you arrive at the palace, as soon as you walk into the room, there is a table with a nice lady who's got all these little hooks.

Are you familiar with the concept of the picture rail? You used to have them in council houses and stuff, and they'd be about 18 inches from the top of the ceiling and there was these hooks that you put on them so you could hang your pictures on that hook. So it was a separate little thing. So they

put one of those on your lapel and that's your metal hook. Oh. Because Princess Fall hasn't got time to pin them all on and, you know, there could be blood on the mat. So hang on, you're wandering around with a hook sticking out. So everyone who's winning,

by then you realise who's friends and who's winners because the winners have got their hooks. The hook of triumph. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what? I would have stolen a hook so people thought I was a winner. I would have had to, I'm sorry. Well, if ever you go with anyone, take your own hook.

Yes. So I finally got to, I did my bow from the neck. Is your name called, does it say Mr. Frank Skinner? No, it says, for services to entertainment, Mr. Christopher Collins, known as Frank Skinner. Known as. The artist formerly known as. You got introduced like an old lag. Yeah.

In a line-up. Exactly. A.K.A. Exactly. Alias the Bone Crusher. So she said to me, what's with the two names? Was that her opener? That was her opener.

I've always loved that woman. And I did think, well, you used to be Princess Anne. I know you're Princess Royal. Did I ask about the two names? What did you say? Oh, I explained that when you join the Actors' Union, you can't have two people with the same... And she said, no, there was already another one, wasn't there?

I said, yeah, he was a pop singer in Burnley. What, you were saying this while you got your medal? Talking about a pop singer in Burnley. And I said, they interviewed him. They interviewed him and he said in the Daily Mirror, what do you think about having the same name as Frank Skinner? And he said, I wish I'd got his money. She laughed, obviously something she'd heard said many times

and she asked where I got the name from and I said it was in my dad's pop domino team and then she asked about that because she's sport mad oh you did well to bring the sport I meant one thing I wasn't sure because she said did you always want to be

an entertainer I said well I did want to be a cowboy early on i said but unlike yourself i was never good on a horse what did you say there was a slight element in her face of too personal keep me out of this yes you're never supposed to rope them into your world. I realised I'd met a... Or lasso them in. Lean onto the mat. Who does your hair? No, no. Love your shoes.

I didn't say, do you live in High Barnet? Fine. But anyway... Fine, come on. So anyway, she was great. Look, I really like her. She's pretty cool. P.S. lost her over the High Barnet. But what happened there was I... She said, I really like her. She's pretty cool. Pierre's lost it over the high barnet.

But what happened there was I, she said, well, thank you. And she shakes my hand and I says, thank you. And she says, congratulations. And then I nod and I go to walk away. And she picks up a medal. And I thought, oh, God, I haven't had my medal. So I went back. You didn't.

And she said, no, you only get one. And I'd already, I'd noticed she'd already hooked me. And I thought, oh God, you get met with the... Quick like a ninja. So I'd gone back. What I'd done is

I'd approached the mat from the wrong angle. Oh no. I was dicing with death there for a minute. I've seen the photo. I think there's gherkas in the background.

The gherka. You were lucky enough to get a kukri through the neck. Oh, God, if he'd have run at me, I'd have shouted, I've met Joanna Lovely! I've met Joanna Lovely! But it was too late. There's a Gurkha absolutely staring down your manager. Anyway, she was very good about it.

I mean, you only get one. It was a pretty good comeback from her. Yeah. And I said, sorry, I've never done this before, which is fair enough. But, yeah. So, look. He's brought it in.

He's getting it out. I brought it in, yeah. Oh, he's only got it out. Hold it. These are the washing instructions. I'll let you have a look at it in a minute. Oh, do you know, the way you brought that out was so, I'm going to call it slow and natural.

What I like about it, on the case, it says MBE. Yes. So you don't want to turn up at something raw and you've brought your sunglasses. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Here's the Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Here's a thing, here is a thing.

I like to try unusual drinks and foods, especially if they're sold as health-giving. Yes. I buy into the old fall song title, Eat Yourself Fitter. And I tried black lemonade. Oh. Giving it a go?

I look to you, Em. Of course not. No, okay. What is it? Black lemonade is... Good band name. It contains, yeah, it contains charcoal. Oh.

And that is all you know and all you need to know. And it's disgusting. Is it? I can't tell you. It's the worst commercially sold drink I have ever tasted. It sounds very much like something you'd buy from the Canterbury Tales character. Well, yeah. Did they have lemonade?

Very probably. It reminded me of, I remember discovering that the Texas Rangers, back in the days of the Wild West, would drink out of a hoof print when times were hard. You know, the rain would have gathered in a hoof print and they'd drink. And I bet you that tasted better than black lemonade. Is it the dread activated charcoal? Because you'll find that a lot in allegedly health-giving compounds.

Yeah, I didn't notice if it was activated. It sounded like something was at work. Is that the stuff when you get the charcoal toothpaste? Yes, I think so. Do you ever use that? I've had black toothpaste, yeah. Oh, it's the toothpaste. Yeah, exactly.

I don't mind because toothpaste is, you know, it's in and it's out. You don't mind, but when you see someone coming into the room saying, I was just wondering, oh, it's quite a sight. Well, I've heard people say that, I remember I went through a period in my early days, when I first started cleaning my teeth. When was that? Well, you know when my brother brought home a toothbrush

when he was about 16 and my dad said, we've lost him. My dad honestly said, I don't know who he thinks he is. That was like Metal Bird in Sky. Oh, man, I educated Rita. But, yeah, there was much suspicion.

We've lost him. Brought home a toothbrush like an unsuitable bride. Yeah, get that out of him. He didn't actually stop him from using it. When I first started using it... That was very from using it. When I first started using it... That was very generous of him. When I first started using it, I used to... We didn't have toothpaste in the house.

My brother kept his away. I used to just put salt on it and brush with that, but the gums don't like it. Is it? Yeah, the gums start to become inflamed. Oh. You should see the expression on Pierre's face when she's trying to

sort of disguise. Salt on a toothbrush. I've heard of that, but I'm more surprised that it wasn't good. I thought that was the thing, salt on a toothbrush. For people who are allergic to fluoride. Remember my dad would be a man who'd walk into the kitchen,

take the top off the butter dish, take out a scoop and just put it straight on his hair before going out. So it was different times, is my point. What I was getting at is that some people I'd heard used soot. I think we know which family they were in. It was that, wasn't us. But that makes me think that the charcoal thing was around then, but in its more primitive form.

That's what's almost everything. You could call it artisanally produced charcoal toothpaste. Anyway, if you see black lemonade in a shop don't the best of Frank Skinner on absolute radio

I'll tell you what though it's never one off for me because that's how I've been in Amsterdam this week

something that from when I first went abroad probably whatever it was 30 years ago I still love watching television made by places like the netherlands yes

uh there was a music show that was on in the evening and there would be shows where an act would come on everybody is like old all the singers are much older. The ageism doesn't seem to be such a thing since we reverse. I might look into it. So what you get is groups like 10 blokes all in their 50s.

And the songs are like they sing along Fee-fah-den-hee Fee-fah-den-hee Fee-fah-den-hee And they're all drinking beer and stuff see far

and see and you think this is I can't believe this exists who would be interested in this and then it pans

to the audience there's like 20,000 people in this studio endless people singing along it was a great bit because you get

those sort of there's one video of blokes like that and it's just close some blokes drinking beer and it's dripping off their chin be hard and drink twice and they're just throwing it down them

it's disgusting and then then you get a bloke who come out a bloke about 50 odd and go I love the world Then you get a bloke who'll come out, a bloke about 50-odd, and go, I love the world, and sing it in English,

and you'll get women crying in the audience. They cut to one fabulous moment in the audience. It was like a rock and roll band, of course. And there was people dancing. There was one bloke sitting, you can see in the audience, who literally had his hands over his ears. It sounds like sort of Saturday night TV in 1974. Yes, and then you cut to a chat show where it's like they're discussing, I don't know what they're discussing, I don't speak Dutch,

but there'll be a bloke who's got like a fur jacket and orange glasses and long hair, bloke about 70, who's been taken completely seriously in some conversations. Who is this bloke? Everyone is listening to us if he isn't

mad. Oh, it's brilliant. It's the thing with other countries' celebrities because there's always so much context to explain yeah we sort of say who is he said to a dutch person so who's this and they go oh why he's peter polder oh everyone loves him and they sort of explained that he hosted a show about rescuing animals and also, exactly. What the names become, like when I went to France, they were saying, you don't know Clo-Clo?

I'm not familiar with Clo-Clo. I had this conversation about Will Glahe, the accordionist, when I was in Germany once. Will Glahe's not big in England? Oh, man. It's just like when I moved here

and had to learn about Noel Edmonds. Yeah, well, I can... Yeah, that... Obviously, that's tough. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, I went to lockdown. I went to download.

It was... Okay, guest time. Guest for you two. Apart from, okay, guess time, guess for you two. Apart from obviously the showers and the toilets, which are traditional enormous queues, what would you say were the two biggest queues daily at... Okay. Want to throw your hand in there?

Baked potato stand. No. Pulled pork. I'll tell you something, I've never seen so much pulled pork I knew it when did the pulled pork revolution begin

why is it pulled why make it all part of a branding thing I don't know what it is but when did people start when did it appear pulled pork I think about 10 years ago I've had about a decade of When did people start... Yeah, well, no, he's the meat correspondent. When did it appear, pulled pork? I think about ten years ago. I've had about a decade of... From hipster meat to dominating the meat landscape, pulled pork.

I think you'll find Kermit the Frog pulled pork in the 1980s. Are you actually serious? That's all right. He pulled as he'd got a girlfriend who was made of pork. I know what it means. You're making it worse. Girlfriend made of pork. People never talk about pigs being made of pork, do they?

Or girlfriends, Frank. Or girlfriends. It's their main quality. So what is the nature of the pulling? You just said, haven't the frogs got a girlfriend made made of pork miss piggy wouldn't be happy to hear that so uh the pulling of pork um so there was there was that it wasn't a food cue okay but i think that was a reasonable suggestion it was i was i pulled

put what obviously was a big theme there i i didn't realize how much pulled pork had taken off or did you explain what how it is pulled um they sort of pull it off the bone they slow cook it so it's very tender and they sort of shred it with um you could do it yourself if you use two forks oh two forks two forks i'm busy black it's just I think two forks. I'm busy, Blan. OK. I'll get Edward Scissorhands.

What about Edward Forkhands? He comes around and does it for you. He's your pork puller. The trouble is with Edward Forkhands, he only really eats corn on the cob. That's his specialist. I've got a question. Maybe some of our readers know. Is there a pork pulling job?

Is there one man or lady who does that as a job? I've seen the meat shredder in action. The shredder? A man in the back of the van with two forks going for it. You see, that's gone a bit late, like a horror movie, The Shredder. Yeah, that sounds a bit like, was it Billy the Kid in Silence of the Lambs? Yeah. Back of the van.

Buffalo Bill. Buffalo Bill. I know it was some Wild West legend. Buffalo. He'll know that. Animal based. Here's the thing, then. I know it was some Wild West legend. Buffalo. He'll know that. Animal based. Here's the thing then. I'll tell you the cue, Frank.

I'm going to have another guess. Some sort of glitter face painting thing. Ooh. It's in the... Body art related. Yes, I'm going to give you that. The tattoo stall. Ah.

The tattoo stall had... You know those zig-zag railings that they have on check-in to... For tattoos? Yeah. For people having tattoos. Wow. Do you know what I mean by a zig-zag railing? So you don't have a big long, long straight line. Yeah. Yeah.

So people then think, well, I'll go and have a tattoo. It feels to me a tattoo needs a bit more planning. It's too whimsical. You've had three cans of beer. Frank, a lot of these people are, let's use an Elvis, a phrase beloved by him,

strung out. Well, I have to say that, and I'm not just saying this, but the actual mood at, because the sort of, the voice, it's all like, it's heavy metal we're dealing with in the main and the thing worse is what the heavy metal fan is saying worship the devil kill all people and eat them open brackets but not really yeah and that's the time everybody was

so lovely and nice to my child it was was great. If only life could be like that all the time. And they forgave me that I wasn't wearing a band t-shirt. I think the only person who wasn't wearing a t-shirt. In fact, the only t-shirt, only person not wearing a t-shirt with El Diablo on the front.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I you what, I had a... I'll see what you think about this. Can I talk about this on the radio after it happened? And I thought, yeah, it'll be fine. I'm very sensitive. So, first of all, the first bit's all right. I got on the Tube last night,

the Tube being the London Underground for those outside of London. I never like to assume. And when I say I got on it, I got to the barrier where you have to show your ticket and I got out my over-60s travel card, which was given to me on my 60th birthday by the establishment. Yeah. Which was given to me on my 60th birthday by the establishment.

Yeah. The powers that be. I don't know who officially hands it out, as you can tell. You're making this all sound very Kafka. Yes. So it says 60 plus London, and it's got a picture of me. I'm waving it about now. Glamorous laugh.

Pardon? I sung a bar of me. I'm waving it about now. And I... Glamorous laugh. Pardon? I sung a bar of the glamorous laugh. Yes. By Fergie. Fame. So, no, everyone gets this. David Bowie. Everyone gets this.

So I got to the barrier and it wouldn't work. Oh. My loyal over-60s travel card. And I looked at it and for the first time ever, and I must have looked at it a thousand times, I realised it has on it, discount expiry date, 12th of February, 23. Were they expecting your demise?

I think, in an over-60s travel card, I think I should defy the expiry. Yes. Does that explain that bullet that ricocheted off the wall near you on the 12th of February? Do they just think, what, do you think he's got a year? It feels like it should have. You know the small Britain thing.

Things like it should say, 12th of February, 23, or death in brackets, whichever comes first. Or next offer. Yeah, so I don't know if I can renew it. If I've lived too long. You're back to pain. I can hear now a council person on the phone say, sorry, mate, you've lived too long.

You're going to have to go back to pain. We can send someone round. Yeah, the living too long thing, we're round to put a stop to it. You know, yeah, the living too long thing, we're trying to stamp down on next people taking advantage. Maybe it's a gentle hint. So I wonder if everyone gets this, so it's a yearly thing. No, it's

not a yearly thing. I've had it for six years and the 12th of February, what, how random a date is that? It would be spooky if we compared it with someone else's and theirs expired after 8 and someone else's 9 and 4. Do you know what I've worked... They're guessing.

No, I've worked it out. So it's about two weeks... Lucy, can you go into the street and stop some pensioners? It's two weeks after your birthday. Or around then, maybe. OK. Maybe they think one year, it'll just all... They predicted you might be overwhelmed by the celebrations.

So two weeks after is a safe bet. OK. Well, I'm investigating. I say, there are times on this show when I say, I have to hear my personal assistant yes is investigating because i've really grown to love my over 60s travel card during lockdown it burnt a hole in my pocket the idea that i i wasn't using it yes frustrated me anyway i then got on the train, having paid with my credit card, after all I've done for this country.

You've got an award from the mark. Yeah, I'm hoping when I get the MBA, I'll be able to just swipe that in supermarkets and everything, never have to pay for anything again. You'd better have a barcode on the back. Swinging it round your neck. Yeah. That would be great. A lanyard.

And a lanyard. With one of those retractable... But also, I'd like it to have a slightly sort of civil service aspect to it. So maybe just a nylon string. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'd like. I'm businesslike. I'm happy with that.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I was reading the other day about Oasis that during an Oasis gig, Liam Gallagher would do between five and seven Rubik cubes behind his back while singing. Really? You know, he would stand with his hands behind his back.

And he has a special Little platform Stitched into the Tiled parka Yes like a little shelf Brilliant It's always You know my view that you do things best

When you're doing something else at the same time I think that's a very good example He's a multitasker. He can't sing in the rain or he drowns. Yes, well, that's... It's got to be a covered stage. I hadn't thought of that. So I got...

I was telling you about the fact that I struggled to get through to the actual platform on the London Underground because I officially died so um i i did get on the tube it was busy it was like you know it was uh tai tai was we'd say back in the black country and what's that tea yeah okay so there's people and a man got on and I have to describe this man and I say this with all tenderness. Facially he looked like a homeless man in that he got a very raggedy beard and a black eye, a really big black eye. But he was immaculately dressed in quite fashion, I'd say high fashion clothing.

Right. And I thought, oh, that's interesting. And he said to me, oh, no, yeah, but when he's one of these, he had a very, very quiet voice, which on the tube... Useless. I said, I can't really, he said,

and I thought, oh, this is going to be, people were starting to stare. And he reached into his, he had like a bag, like a designer shop bag. And he reached in and he took out a small parcel and he unwrapped it. It was a slice of cheese. And he had a thing on it which said something like some French word and mature and it was a lovely

the way it had been wrapped I wouldn't say ladies after it so it was bought from a I wouldn't say ladies after it so it had it looked like it was from a proper posh shop and he offered it to me.

Really? So people at my note were staring, and he said, as he himself pointed out, but I could tell by the gesture he was offering it. And so I broke a chunk off. No. Yeah. It looked, it was still in it. Are you absolutely

joking? No. Since I've been in Amsterdam my cheese intake has gone through the ceiling. You broke a chunk off. He was clearly offering. Even though I couldn't hear him, his gesture was one of giving. You accepted cheese from a ghost.

Yeah, exactly. Let's be frank. It giving. You accepted cheese from a ghost. Yeah, exactly. Let's be frank. It was a bit Banquo's ghost. Banquo's haute couture ghost. Yes. And I tell you what, I realised Are you playing us?

It was like posh rapping. So anyway, I had a chunk of it. It was lovely. Sure. And I wouldn't accept it lovely. Sure. And, I wouldn't accept to offer friends. And then I thought, this guy has got

lottery winner written all over him. Homeless man buys lottery ticket, goes to shop, buys the fanciest, most modern clothes and like state of the art cheese.

And, but hasn't lost But hasn't lost his roots of being indecipherable and having a black eye. Yeah, it was a really strange... You say he looked homeless, but then he was offering you food. He was offering you the cheese. He was immaculately dressed and he said another five minutes of things I couldn't hear. And in the end, he became exasperated at my non-response

and stopped speaking to me. Happily, I'd reached embankment, so that was my stop. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, as a man who's, you know, you're in with the royals now. Look, I'm not Nicholas Whitchell. But yeah, I've had a bit of royal action just lately. You really have. You were trusted to get close to the mat.

Yeah. You're in, I think you're in now, Frank. Do you? Yes. You could be quoted. I haven't been invited to the concert. I thought you would be. That's because you're calling it the concert.

I think now if you said something, you could be quoted as a royal insider in a tabloid article. Do you think so? Yeah. You're the closest I've got to a royal contact. Okay. But have you seen in your capacity

as our royal contact, Frank, the official food of the coronation? Oh, yes. But have you seen, in your capacity as our royal contact, Frank, the official food of the coronation? Oh, yes. This is, I presume you say it like this, quiche Lorraine. L-O-R-E-I-G-N. Oh, very good.

That's what it's called in the paper. Were they not punning? It can't be the official name. No, no, it's a pun. I'm sure it's a pun. I was going to say, they're going old school French language titles now. They're going 1066.

Well, it's called, is it called Coronation? Coronation Quiche. Quiche, yeah. As in Coronation Chicken. One of the things it said in the article I read, it said that the people who designed it who

were like the royal household cooks or whatever said that they hope it will become as popular as coronation chicken right like not very popular it's horrible coron Coronation Chicken. Does Coronation Chicken have the raisins in it? Raisins and curry powder thing. It's yellow with, yeah. Pineapple? Oh, no, I think you're thinking of Chicken Maryland. Oh, no, either way, either way. So they sort of, we hope that with time,

people will find the Coronation Quiche as disgusting. Again, they should have called that Coronation. It was originally called Poo-lay. Poo-lay poo. Chicken droppings. Wouldn't that be great if one of... And some sultanas too. Say if Agnetha Falkstock had bought a farm

and she walked through and somebody said, what's that on your Wellingtons? Poo-lay poo. It was Poo-lay-poo. It was Poo-lay-rain-Elizabeth or something. So anyway, I wasn't happy with quiche, Lorraine, so I thought I'd come up with my own royal quiche. What do you think of this? Go on.

Quiche to the castle. That's what Sean Connery would call it. I love it. Quiche to the castle. I see that you do. Yeah. It's much better than quiche Lorraine. Do you know what?

I don't dislike it. Okay. It's growing on me, quiche to the castle. Yeah. It really is, Frank. Because I'm seeing the packaging, and you know how a quiche often, not always,

but sometimes favours a window. Like a sort of washing machine. Does it? Yeah, have you not bought a quiche like that? M&S do them like that. It's a little plastic window where you can see what you're getting. Oh, yeah. As if the quiche was on a submarine.

Sorry, I thought you meant trellis. Oh, I see. You know when you get a pastry trellis? No, trellis. No, no, no. No, I'm talking about the visual, the merchandising. Oh, I see. You know when you get a pastry trellis? No trellis. No, no, no. No, I'm talking about the merchandising. Yeah, the packaging. Yeah.

But I'm thinking there could be some potential, though, with the quiche to the castle. We can do something with that little window, surely. Yeah. Okay? Yes. Maybe some castellation on the pastry around the edge. Yes, yes.

A little portcullis. Yeah. You could have some red peppers looking over the battlements for intruders. It's getting quite complicated. You know, it's a big occasion. I mean, the coronation is quite complicated, to be fair. Well, yeah, I think mine's better,

anyway, as ever, with ponds. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we are talking about the Coronation quiche. What, quiche to the castle, do you mean? Oh, immediate rebrand, is it? Yeah, I think so. OK. It was broke and it needed fixing.

I think so. Okay. It was broken. It needed fixing. Something I've learned from reading the quiche article that I read was that, and this knocked me flat, that one thing that's disapproved of, an absolute no-no in the quiche world, or would it be a non, a non,

is cheese. No-no in the quiche world, or would it be a non, a non? Non merci. It's cheese. Oh. Fromage. You're not allowed to put, if you're a purist, you don't put cheese. I thought cheese was the absolute centre of a quiche. Well, I mean, there's cheese in the royal quiche. They love an earth, it's earth-based, isn't it?

It's a sort of radio code from the Second World War. There is cheese in the royal Quiche? They love an earth... It's earth-based, isn't it? It's a sort of radio code from the Second World War. There is cheese in the Royal Quiche. What it sounds... Someone with a bowler hat sitting on a park bench. It sounds like

a really terrible guess on catchphrase. There's cheese in the Royal Quiche. No, no, it's good, but it's not right. Is it cheese in the qu quiche. No, no, it's good, but it's not right. Is it cheese in the quiche? Please.

It's a bird in the hand, you fool. Is it cheesy tart? No, no, it's not cheesy tart. And how dare you? It's good, but it's not right. Well, in the article about the quiche,

there's a bit where they refer to it as the royal vegetarian tart. Oh, okay. Oh, that's unnecessary. What they say, it's vegetarian. They say it contains

broad beans and spinach. And you think, all right. No need to shout. It's vegetarian. We get it. All right, Highgrove, calm down.

But I read a complaint yesterday that it isn't vegan. And so someone's come up with an alternative vegan. Because there's cheese in it vegan quiche to the car, oh it's all gone wrong I don't know what that one would be called bleak Lorraine

so yeah also it said we hope people eat it whilst watching The Coronation. What a lovely idea. I suppose. I have a bit more confidence, we hope. I'm also going to eat it whilst watching Lorraine.

Shame to want to use it once. Wouldn't that be... If you met someone who every morning watched Lorraine eating a quiche Lorraine, wouldn't you have an admiration for that person? I would think, you know what? You are a special human being. You've gone that far. I particularly like the red pepper with the small musket.

What about... Because they also... You've picked up on the broad beans, right? And why the hell wouldn't you? They've also created a special royal sausage. Did you read about this? What? The sausage royal?

That's what that should have been called. Sausage royal, obviously. Honestly, I'm in the wrong job. Do you want to know the ingredients? Yes. Okay. Well, one... Was it Scottish pork?

Yeah. Scottish pork. Scottish pork. What? Do animals have nationalities? Scottish pork? Scottish pork? What? Do animals have nationalities? I thought surely they are citizens of the animal kingdom. They don't have visas. They're not constrained by national borders.

Tartan bacon. Why do you think they call it the animal kingdom? It transcends all national boundaries. I don't want to see pigs being compartmentalised like this.

You don't want to see them being divided by human... No, it's just with a knife and fork. Oh my God. Sorry, everyone.