The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of 2023 – Part 2

Episode Date: December 30, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Take a trip down memory lane through the best bits of 2023, including the bubble tea incident, chat up lines and Smiggle.

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Good morning Chloe Hello Do you recognise this? Oh do I? It's from The Private Life of Pets Oh of course

And it's actually called Meet the Pets, that particular track. Here I am. Yeah. You should come on stage to that. It'd be great music to walk onto. How many people do you think would get that, Frank? Four. Four?

Well, that makes it worth it then, doesn't it? Lifetime or? Yeah. Per shot. I do stuff that four people don't get in an audience. Four I regard as a sort of borderline hit. So, where we are, it's week, what is it, 19 of the Edinburgh Festival. I'm so tired.

They said it would be over by Christmas. No, that was World War I. You fool. No, it's still tremendous. I'm still seeing shows. I'm liking it. But my family came up this week and I remembered what was back home

and that was bad. You're supposed to forget about that and think you're some solitary figure who's never really got close to anyone when you're up here. What do you think is, like, the peak time that the Edinburgh Friends should be? Well, I...

Depends who you are, I think. I think if you don't have family back home, I think it could just be all the year round. Yeah, there's also a part of me that's like, we should all come up, do five minutes and then go home. Our whole year should be judged on whether we can do a tight five. Off we pop. Well, I've never done a tight five in my life.

Have you not? No, I can't do a tight five. I try and I do a tight eight. It's barely enough time to introduce yourself, really. I've seen American comics and I've been on shows and the producers come on and said, actually, we're running a bit tight, so I know you're booked for ten,

but could you do about eight and a half? And I thought, oh, well, what's the difference? And I've seen American comics go on and do eight and a half. They are so professional. And, of course, when I say professional, I mean rubbish. Which is you. how are you? Because if you can do that, you have no soul. It's my theory.

And if you come off stage having just done a gig, the last thing you want is for someone to go, gosh, that was professional. Gosh, that was exactly the right time. Gosh, you're out of time. Yeah, I want my response mainly from the audience, not from a timekeeper. Yeah, from an umpire.

Yeah, that's no good. So, yeah, but I'm still... I'll tell you what I did this week. I went out for a bobble tea. Oh, Frank. Oh, I love bobble tea. Do you? Oh, God, Frank. Oh, I love bubble tea. Do you? Oh, God, yes.

God, well, this feels like a real sort of mixture of the high culture and the low. I'm not going to say which way round I think you and bubble tea are in terms of high and low culture. I can't imagine you with those bubbles in your mouth. Well, I don't think of them as bubbles. I think of them as space dumplings. There's something about the texture of them

which I think is pretty unique. Yes. And just the feeling of them in rows coming off the straw. Oh, like sort of peas in a moving pot. Oh, man. There's so many of them as well. They don't skimp on the bubbles, do they?

No, that's good, though. I'll tell you what was very annoying. I went to a place, a cafe. They're all over Edinburgh. They're called Black Sheep Coffee, I think it's called. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they put ice, a lot of ice, in the bobble tea. And then there are pockets in the ice

where there are space dumplings trapped that you can't... I felt like a shepherd on a rocky hillside who couldn't get some of his sheep because they'd gone on to ledges which I couldn't reach. I love this for you, though. I didn't have you down. It's almost like the sort of orange juice with bits for the modern metrosexual man.

I'm very impressed with this, Frank. Well, I think it's less healthy than orange juice. Yes. I don't know if the bitch should be made by some sort of machine. Yes, or if it's made of pudding. I think it's... I think it's a flavour-texture thrill, the whole thing. More of bubble tea, because I had a bubble tea incident.

Oh, no. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Where was it? Oh, yes, I was having a bubble tea. We have to establish what flavour. Well, they're a bit limited in black sheep coffee. I normally go, when I go to my dentist, across the road,

there is a Bobology. Yes. And in Bobology, you can really go to town. I find if you go strawberry and passion fruit, you can create a sunset in a plastic cup. A sort of a sunset blotted out by hundreds of alien crops.

Exactly. If you could imagine that happening. Frank, is it like you have one flavour in the main body of liquid and then a second subsidiary flavour within the bubbles? Well, if you are gentle with your straw work, you can maintain the separation between your two components, which I love. If you don't piss. Well, if you're one of these people who goes in like... Some people, yeah, they're roughing up the space dumplings with their...

What, so you can sort of disturb the structural integrity of the space dumpling before it's even hit your mouth? Yeah. Oh, I don't like that. Well, that's only done by fools. I don't like ice generally Well, that's only done by fools. I don't like ice generally, by the way. No.

I never have ice in drinks, ever. I don't like it. It's just dilution pellets. Yes. And previously... Previously on the Frank Skinner Show? Before shows in Edinburgh, I have to keep emphasising to the sort of venue staff that I'm not asking for a pint of water for pleasure.

No. I just need... It's lubrication. I need to hydrate myself. Yeah, exactly. The ice is a barrier to that. Oh, ice on stage, that's a nightmare. Don't mention it ever again.

The thing is with ice, because it's one of those things where you know you're being fooled as well. When someone says, here's a big glass of drink, and there's loads of icing. And that is what they say. Are we supposed to think... Yeah.

Yeah. That's what they say to me. In a sort of a, here's a big glass of drink. It's just a trouble with grey hair. Get it down you. Pop your napkin down your front. And it's... No, but you know those trick drinks

where Benny Hill used to drink a pint of beer and then another pint of beer? Yeah. And in fact, there's only a bit around the outside. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That's what happens when you put ice in a drink. You're basically giving you a trick glass that's got no liquid in it, hardly.

Anyway, my family had just arrived um kath my partner and my son buzz and we it was a emotional moment but i don't know if you've ever had family arrive when you're up here but you feel like you've been invaded a bit because you've become a solitary outsider figure or i I have. And suddenly there's like a domestic thing going on. But I'm thinking, no, it's great to see them. And we went and we had a bubble tea. And Buzz, I don't know, he got one space dumpling that was a bit of an irregular diameter. Yeah.

And it got a bit wedged in his straw. it got a bit wedged in his straw. So in trying to shift it, he did a sort of a Amazonian tribesman blowpipe. He did one of those. And it couldn't have been better. It hit me in my right eye. And it really hurt. I went down.

Basically, my elbows touched the table and it really hurt and I sort of did a melodramatic which everyone looked at and he was like mortified. My partner for some reason covered her whole face with her hands

and seemed to be shaking, I think with heavy laughter. Yes. And what you don't know, listener at home, is that Frank's eye has been dislodged and it now is just a space dumpling. It's a tiny little bubble.

I felt the empty casing sliding down my chin and I thought, is that the space dumpling or my now empty eyeball? Is that the Spice Dumpling or my now-empty eyeball? With vitreous and aqueous humour sliding down with it. What about that? Oh, I did like that. Yeah, but I'll tell you what it did.

Because of the sugar in a Spice Dumpling, it stuck. It literally stuck my contact lens to my eye and I couldn't get it out. It was a fabulous shot. It did all the damage required. But then he started crying because I was upset. And I started crying because there was a space dumpling in my eye. And Kat started crying

because she was laughing so much. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Will I ever be able to say X without putting it in inverted commas in some way by my tone? No.

Okay. Also, they haven't thought of... You can't... I mean, obviously we can call it X, but what's tweeting? Is it X-ing? I don't know. I don't like the sound of that, if so. No, X-ing sounds like...

Sounds like doxing. I don't know what that means. They've tried to change it to posting. Yeah, will you explain doxing? Posting. Oh, doxing? Yeah, he doesn't know doxing, Carolyn. Doxing is when you reveal someone's personal information online

in a malicious attempt to get nutters to show up at their house. Oh, wow. That's doxing. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That sounds horrible. I like the very meek, frightened way you absorbed that information.

Okay. I miss the simple age of the poison pen letter. The green ink. Remember the green ink, Frank? Green ink. Well, that was always a sign. Oh yeah, they used to say that was a sign of

someone's troubles. Slightly unhinged, yeah. They only sold green ink to people with incredibly vicious personalities. Well, I do use green ink because I've got one of those four-collar pens, of course, and it's a shame not to use the green. I have to tell you, I was, I don't have to tell you, but I'm about to.

I was in, what's the name of that place? Is it Smiggles? Is that what it's called? You'll have to narrow down your... Is it a stationery? Is that what it's called? Is it Scribbler? I don't know.

I turned to the producer. He's just laughing at me inanely. You've said that place. That's where we have to go. It's Smiggles. The Smiggle shop is like a sort of Japanese stationery type place. That's where we have to go. It's Smiggle. The Smiggle shop is like a sort of Japanese stationery type place. You get a nice bento box. No?

What? Not Muji. Smiggles? Smiggle, yeah. Are you sure? I'm confident. I've got an eight colour, I'm calling it my octo pen. You know normally they have four colours,

the ones that you slide up and down. I've got one with eight at the Smiggle shop. Okay, strange flat. This is doing like a radio show Dr Seuss. No, I mean it. One of the colours, get this, one of the biro colours on my Smiggle pen is yellow. When am I going to write in yellow to anyone?

To the mayor of Squiggles Town or whatever. Maybe if I was to complain about the flavour of a lemon drizzle cake. And I wanted to make a subliminal message. Or if you were to accuse someone of cowardice, maybe. Yes, yes. It would be a good one of those if you haven't got a white feather to hand. Frank, are you sure? And I say this with deep immense love and respect.

Are you sure the store is called Smiggles? I'm not sure of anything in the world. This is like a parliamentary inquiry. Are you sure? I have a pen that has the word smiggle on it

which I bought from a shop which had several other smiggle products. Could you produce the pen for the committee, sir? What are you playing at? Let me be perfectly clear. Is there or is there not? A funny thinking type. No, perfectly clear. Is there or is there not? A fruity stinking

day. No. Well, look, I can't wait to go to Smiggles. It's a lovely pen. It's a fat barrel, eight-colour Smiggle pen. That's what I've got. Oh, I love that Queen song. Yeah. Can you...

If you could tell me where I would find a Smiggles... Whoville. Well, look... Whoville, where all the Whos live. I can't... You're being silly now. I don't know why this is so unbelievable. It just sounds...

When I said I had an herd of Wilkos the other week, you laughed at me. We've only got Smiggles around where I live. Yes, exactly. They are. But because you have an herd of Smiggles, that's all right. Yeah, you buy yellow pens, bento boxes. Frank, what do they sell other than,

it's just the yellow pens and the bento boxes? No, they've got other, those kind of, you know, related, station-related clips. What's related to that, sweetheart? Multi-coloured clips and erasers and all that. It's a lovely shop the bento boxes are a work of art

they are fabulous was it a very peaceful calming shop did you feel like you were blissed out and sleeping I liked it in there and the pen

you know how I got excited about a four-colour pen and a four-colour pen is honestly it's an extravaganza let's try this yeah I think you were hypnotised by Paul McKenna you're going into shmiggles you'll see It's an extravaganza. Let's try this. Yeah.

I think you were hypnotised by Paul McKenna. You're going into Schmigel. You'll see. Some of our readers will be Schmigel regulars. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, without further ado, Pierre and I... We apologise. We owe you an apology.

I thought there'd be a man with a bugle pen would turn up. Would turn up. This is Frank Skinner, MBE, on Absolute Radio. Accepted with great humility. Thank you. As anticipated. Thank you for making this so easy. Can I say, I've had two texts.

One from my son that says it's called Smiggle with Smiggle in block capitals didn't like me calling it Smiggles and from Sandy Mason my mother-in-law Smiggle hyphen yes we had one in Cheltenham at one

time you don't hear much Smiggle nostalgia but there you have a I like at one time how need much Smiggle nostalgia, but there you have a bit. I like at one time. How old is Smiggle? Can you not talk about Sandy Mason like that? Don't call her Smiggle. So what's the outside world?

I mean, Twitter, X, exploded. X exploded. X exploded. Yeah. It's an Australian chain and it's-exploded. Yeah. It's an Australian chain, and it's real, says Bill Russell, which is very...

Calm. I can't believe... Peter Pan. What kind of a lie would it be to invent Smeagol? I think we thought it was more of a mistake than a lie. I see.

And then... It's a lie-tism, actually. All right. Rebecca Hume, yes, Sme Smiggle is real I'll vouch for you and it's lovely and Rebecca also continues

entering Smiggle with two young girls is like the seventh circle of hell I'm so glad my local one closed I'm afraid but we do have balancing that out the majority of people seem to be huge Smiggle fans like yourself Ultra magnus says

sorry pierre i was just going to say points out smiggle because it's halfway between a smile and a giggle oh that does make me hate them it's an awful awful lovely light yeah smiggle with you it's halfway between a smirk and a niggle. Yes, exactly. Of contempt. That's my reaction. Although I looked at their website now and collectible character goo is only two pounds. So that's a very good deal on collectible character goo. Is it?

Should we go there? What about the octopen? I'm just shocked to discover how much I've been overpaying for my collectible character goo. Yeah. Anyone bought a bento? I don't know where you're getting bento boxes.

I thought you meant with food in. No, no. To take to school. That's why I thought you'd lost your mind. Smiggle is in the same family as Tiger

or whatever it's called. Yeah, well, I think it's a bit cooler than Tiger. Oh, thank you. I, I think it's a bit cooler than tiger. Oh, thank you. I thought you were saying... A bit cooler than tiger. I thought you were saying you had found a stationary shop

that sold bento boxes as in the food. No, no. So I thought, what kind of mad... It's a terrible misunderstanding. What sort of mad muji sushi shop combo niche chain have you discovered? If your child wants to take a Japanese themed lunch box, then they can whip out the bento. Okay. And Smiggle, I notice, has a sort of slight fraggle rock font.

It's a lovely, cutesy, warm place to be. And a fat little pen with eight colours. I mean, let's not forget that. That was my moment in there. That was my moment, everybody. That was my... Or that terrible Andrew Lloyd Webber Eurovision. My time, it's my time.

Apparently not. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ruth Jordan has been in touch, Pierre, hasn't she? She has. What does she say? Well, she's on edge waiting for your review of frank show and adds in how much of a git will frank be if it includes notes i don't know what she means by that with what i would call the grimace emoji oh awkward teeth bad like a frightened chimp grimace

emoji do you know i spend a great deal of time googling emojis to see what they mean because i get sent them all the time yeah and i think these young and they'll send them the confidence of these youths the way they'll just slip the emoji on the end and i end up taking a screenshot enlarging it and looking at the teeth the structure of the emoji to see what does that expression mean? So you do a sort of airport face scan. I do. I go forensic. I take the emoji into the incident room. See, I don't. I'm such I hardly ever get an

emoji. I don't get communications from the young. I'm one of the few grey haired celebrities. What are you doing? so I don't... What are you doing? So I don't...

I only know the most basic of emojis. Smiley face. No, but the grimacy ones get confusing, Pierre. Yes, context is key. I get, you know, thumbs up, that kind of emoji. I don't... I've never seen one that... Remorse, for example, expressed in an emoji.

Well, there's one which really confused me, which is sort of blushing eyes. I mean, it was all. Blushing eyes? Yes, the eyes look to be blushing. Yeah. There's a hearty, no, the eyes look to be welling up with emotion and I couldn't work out. Oh, the sort of big shiny eyes one. Yes, what does that mean?

Like a sort of begging puppy. That's the hay fever emoji. Yes. OK. But, I mean, it ceases to be. The idea is that it makes communication very quick and... Yes. Oh, compact.

Compact. So if it's sort of vague... I think it's just for adding tone now. What I'm saying is, should one get ambiguity from an emoji? So? The face has just gone up.

We never got round. I'm glad. Are you getting worried about my emoji? If you like it, I'll get embarrassed. And if you don't, I'll experience grief. So can I just tell you when i came into work this morning i saw a pub closed down and someone had spray painted on the wall he's gone to norway if only life could always be there i feel like i know the whole story now what's gone on there. Yeah. Great.

Well done, that person. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, me taters and me fresh fried fish. You can have a little if you wish. You can have it on a plate or on a dish or in a little bit of paper

yes it's Cockney week on Musical Week on Absolute Radio what's your favourite vendor cry? one I've missed

since Covid is Evening Standard yes do you still get that? I haven't seen them. No, they weren't. I used to. They used to be a man who'd go, and he'd stand. And he'd stand and he'd got it down.

He must have done it a long time and he'd steadily distilled it. To a sort of bird-like cry. Yeah. Sort of waterfowl. I once encountered a sort of operatic guy like that in Oxford Circus.

Evening standard! Like he was really... Is it like the Go Compare man? I hope not. I hope he didn't have like some bloke who isn't even dressed up who we're really not interested in who sat next to him and made remarks. They've really killed the Go Compare ads. They've turned him into a celeb.

I like the concept of them killing them. Prior to that, what, you think they were... I thought they were pretty good when he used to just sing. And now, I don't want to go backstage with the Go Compare, man. Are you suggesting they've sold out, Frank? Whoever thought... You know what these adverts do? We need a sort of making-of element. Really?

I think when a company gets an advert that resonates, they're so astonished that they finally managed to get through to the public, they just go, right, this until the end of the world. We cannot afford to not have this. Well, I wonder if they tried to get rid of him. If they tried to, he tried to leave and he said, I'll have to be on there on myself

is the only way. Yeah. So they consider real me. Imaginary scenarios that they go, compare that. No, but there was a bit, when they first switched it, he said like, you know,

I am actually a really opera singer. And they showed a picture of him singing at the Albert Hall. I thought that was a contractual thing. I think you see the same thing with the meerkat. Well, look, that's a whole other thing. Everyone wants a meerkat. But they're with a meerkat now. They've always got a friend who's a shark who's from Botswana.

Oh, no. No, no, what they'll have is the meerkat will be with the meerkat, but the meerkat with no costume, saying, of course, I actually do hunt and live life in the wild. Meerkat with a cigarette. Exactly. I do eat beetles for real. You know, yes, I mean, this is just, you know, an acting thing.

I always think it should be played absolutely straight, love. Oh, dear. You know what? It was transfer deadline day yesterday and I thought for the first time it finally struck me and it took years. I actually, they announced a transfer and I actually said out loud, how much?

Because when you stand back from it, there are average players going for like 15 million pounds. It is the part of football I understand the least. What, the transfer window? No, the amount of money. Oh, I know. I don't understand how it can possibly be good value. Who's got, where's it come from?

I don't know. It should be taken from them by force and distributed to the poor. It's absolutely insane. Oh, yeah, we'll buy that. Oh, it's only £34 million. Just stand back from that figure for a second and think what it would do to your community. You're saying there should be a sort of 1917 Winter Palace moment

when it comes to... I think we should just remember what £34 million actually is. It's not monopoly. Someone's actually doing it. I don't know where it comes from. You'll both have to explain to me. Well, I don't. Don't go knocking at our door.

We've got a Chinese billionaire who doesn't have any money, apparently. Oh, I've got to combine the harvest. I saw them listed somewhere. I was, where was I? I was somewhere like Abingdon and they were listed on the coming soon. The Wurzels?

Are they from Birmingham? No, they're the most Bristol band that ever existed. Who are, who are? Sorry, I thought he was lost on me. They sang about cider and farm vehicles. Did you just think regional life? Yeah, the regions, capital T, capital R. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Do you remember last week we were talking about characters not seen on screen, so referred to on screen but never seen? Yes. I think we referred to her indoors was one of the ones. Maris from Frasier. Yes. Well, it was your one. Yes.

I didn't know that. We didn't really know that, but we let it go. She Who Must Be Obeyed. From Ron Paul of the Bailey. Although we were widely disagreed with on that. Weren't we? She was seen doing washing up and chatting to him a few times. Oh, OK.

Well, I missed that episode. Me lad. and chatting to him a few times. Oh, OK. Well, I missed that episode. Me lad. Well, we've also had through some other examples. Graham Hill has been in touch.

Dirty Gertie from Number 30. Right. Which was Basil Brush, is that right? Yes. I got mixed up. I thought it was Larry Grayson. Larry Grayson used to refer to Slack Alice, who was a woman, and his friend Everard, if you remember.

Did he have a friend? Well, yes. That's what we called them in the 70s. And that was Everard, yes. I love the idea of a... They used to call it... Well, my aunt, who's... I think twee would be a good way to

describe her and i remember her saying to my sister once when she was dating and and at the age where my aunt felt uncomfortable i didn't know how to refer to their relationship they're living together and she said is ziggy still your best friend best friend i am i moved in with a woman and my parents being being good Catholics, never acknowledged that it was happening at all. Refused to even refer to it. And then she said to me one day that my dad took her to one side and said, never let him leave the house without a clean handkerchief.

And that was when it was first acknowledged. By a handkerchief. A sort of semaphore. Yeah, exactly. And in terms of other not on screen but referred to, Dermot has got in touch. Kath and Buzz. Unseen, but very, and Buzz. On the scene.

But very, very important characters in the show. That is a good point. That is a very good point. And also, Emil just came in, who did the show previous to us. And he said, now we're going to remember the name of this, someone from Chockelvision, Dan the... Dan the Van. Dan the Van. From Chockelvision, yeah. Yeah, Dutch character. he said now we're going to remember the name of this someone from choco vision dan the van

the van dan the van from chocobo yeah dodge character dan the fan um yes which i i didn't i don't know if i ever saw choco vision but i had a very good friend who used to write for choco vision some of my best friends did as well well you wouldn't she was you know it's sort of very cool slightly goth type what is it chuckle vision you know the choco brothers it was their show to me to you what is chocolate who is gaza i don't oh come on that's hardly the same thing i think chuckle vision is part of brit. Is it? I'm very aware of Chucklefish. Was it on ITV? Oh, OK. No one knows what it was on.

What about when he was on... What was he on? Fans Only or whatever that thing is called. Cameo. Only Fans. He was on... The Chuckle Brothers

aren't on Only Fans. No. He was on one of those. Frank, they haven't got on Only Fans. To me, to you. I found them. Yeah. If you want to find out more yeah from me to you and i will be sending it directly from me to you don't worry

oh i've dropped a big chandelier i've got stuff in a ladder yes I've got stuff in a ladder. Yes, no. Chlamydia from me to you, you to me. No! No! I think they changed their surname slightly as well.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Here's a funny thing, lady. I went into a... This is another Edinburgh reminiscence, even though it was two weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you last week. There's a big sweet shop that's called something like

The Cavalcade of Candy or something like that. Might not be that. Mr Whizpop's Fabulous Treats. Exactly. That sort be that. Mr. Whizpop's fabulous treats. Exactly. That sort of thing. And it's just sweets. And I went in there with my child, and I said,

oh, I said, smell them sweets. It does make you feel like I might get some pick and mix or something. And I then went in a couple of days later, but towards the end of the evening when there was less people. And I saw the guy... Strange thing to do with your evening. Yeah. You need a sweet shot.

It was about eight o'clock. And somebody, they said, can you turn the machine up a bit to one of the guys? And he went over and he turned this machine up and he went like... And I realised it was the sweet smell. It was actually a machine

pumping it out and I'd fallen and I'd been drawn in by the lovely smell of sweets and it was some synthetic. They lured you in as well. Synthetic, not like those sweets. No, no, but at least you couldn't eat...

The organic au naturel. You can't eat the machine. No, that's true. I've got a T-shirt with that on. It's a good band name. Yeah. Mr. Frank Skinner, whilst we're on the subject... Are you going to call me Mr. Frank then?

Because the basil brush, yeah. Like a loyal retainer. Yeah. Mr Frank. By the way, Mr Frank. Go on, go on, Miss Emily. Whilst we're on the subject of sweet things, I would like to send my gratitude

to Anne from Tannock's Tea Cakes. I'm so happy there's still people called Anne. Yes. I met Anne with the producer on a delayed train. With her producer or yours? No, ours. Okay. On a train from Edinburgh.

We were stuck on a train for about ten hours. Oh. No bathroom breaks for Ray. No, yeah. Oh, what does a dog do on a train for ten hours? That's classified. That's between me and my fellow passengers. OK.

But we met a charming lady, Frank, who worked for Tonics. Tonics is the tea cake manufacturer. Scottish, I believe. Yes. In fact, I know they're Scottish because I did a TV series for a Scottish company and they sent me a sort of Tonics gift basket, which was very nice.

I believe she worked for, it's a family business, Sir Archibald Boyd Tonic is what I believe his full name is. Archie Tonnock he was at school fantastic, was he in the B&O? Oh he must have been and she sent us, well I mean you've already got stuck into the bucket

hats. Yes I can't wear, I'd love a bucket hat that fit me I see the England cricket team in bucket hats and they look so cool. But I was pointing out, I actually need... Because my head is so big, I need a literal bucket. And it doesn't look so good, an actual bucket.

So, although you get a chin strap, which you don't get with the bucket hat. That's true, in high winds you'd be safer. And we've also got...

They are lovely. Do you know what I liked is when the trolley came round, she saw the caramel wafers, the time it was caramel wafers,

and Anne went, oh, there they are. Oh, how lovely. A company woman. There they were because they're not here this morning. Can we say we're not sponsored by tonics? No.

It's just an act of human kindness. They've not paid us anything. No, well, they've given us free tonics. They did give us some particularly delicious milk chocolate ones. And then what happened to those, Frank? Well, the producer decided she was having them for herself. Even though you'd done all the talking on the train, you'd made peace.

I think you were the one who provided the glass beads by way of trade. And then the producer took the milk chocolate, which, as we all know, is better than dark chocolate. I disagree. Do you? I do. I'll tell you a little story after this break,

which will blow your mind. But she actually stole them. We never saw them. Well, I had to find it out as well. I took a punt, didn't I, Frank? Great interrogation. It was very Columbo. How did I do the interrogation?

It was good. You said, oh, it's odd we don't have any milk chocolate ones. It's almost like, I bet they're in the producer's cupboard, at which point the producer went red. you got out your cigar my wife's a big fan of tonics tea just get a sample one more thing did you have any milk chocolate tonics seems strange that the most common type would not be in the picture. Just one thing negative, man. It's just dark. Is that all they do, Tonics? The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were discussing magic tricks. We were talking about... Don't tell people that. It's not very good for the brand. No. Discussing magic. No. But you did, frankly, a very good impression of that moment

where someone presents whatever it is, the kind of obviously plastic flowers. A dove or a cow. Yeah, or a cow. Yeah, and Emily. The doves are real. The doves are real. Yeah.

We can say that. Emily, you made the noise that people make when that sort of happens. Hey, hey. And I did think, if you're doing actual magic, the last thing you want, you want gasps, don't you? You want that sort of, hey, there it is. I am, I think I am. Awful.

There aren't many things I think I'm the best at, but I'm one of the best magic audiences you could have. I really do go, oh, that quite, coming from behind the ear. I man, I get so excited by,

certainly close up magic, particularly. Do you like magic, Frank? Oh, yeah. I like watching it. Oh, I didn't know that about you. Yeah? Okay.

Why do you think I'm wearing a brocade waistcoat? No, not really. Don't worry, I'm not. Don't switch off! Ah, yes. Hey, listen, speaking of magic, sort of-ish, I visited my sister-in-law, etc., and her family at a posh hotel this week

that they were staying at. Lovely it was, and we went for dinner there. My son said, can I bring the projector I bought from Lidl? I said, oh, sure. How large was the projector? It was from Lidl. I didn't know Lidl did projectors. Oh, sure. How large was the projector? Oh, it's quite... It's from Lidl.

I didn't know Lidl did projectors. Sorry, that doesn't answer my question. Well, it's a Lidl projector. Oh, God. So, anyway... Oh, God. So, yes, you didn't know Lidl did projectors. No.

Well... Did Tesco do sort of light displays or something? This is bizarre to me. I think Lidl do things you... I was in Lidl... Is it online, Lidl? No, it's... Well, it might be, but it exists as a shop. I've never been in one. It's also in our realm.

Okay. They have a sort of a... what looks like a giant pick-and-mix section, but in one section there'll be, like wellington boots yeah and then in another one like gilet canvas gilet and there was one and it had about five axes big and i mean big the sort of axes you could take a building down with. What do you display an axe next to? It's a hard choice, isn't it?

I can't remember what was in the next section. You've got to be careful. Yeah, I think it was those milk teeth. And then cola bottles in the one next to them. Of course, you buy them by weight, so if you do get an axe, it will be a... Yeah. You're walking around with an axe

in one of those little pink stripy bags. Offering it round. Axe? No, thanks, no. Anyway... I'm sticking my teeth. So we got to the place, and it was... It was a lovely hotel.

I won't name it because... I can't remember what it's called and also so did i have to pay yeah i said you won't name it because we have to pay no no i anyway so um so he got this little it's only like a small projector it's not like you know the the owner of the... The guy who runs the theme park in Scooby-Doo. It's not that level. Not that level of projection equipment. No. Where he can make people actually carry things that he's projecting.

Somehow, yeah. Yeah, I don't know how he does that. So we were sitting having the posh meal and Boz just went and plugged the projector in in the socket and just started projecting images on the ceiling. What were the images? Well, I'll tell you after this. I'll just give you one brief moment in time.

At one point, there was a French man come over to talk to us about wine and there was like an image of Santa Claus just spinning round above his head on the ceiling. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I was coming home from the gig that didn't happen. Yes. At the Green Day. And a guy

as I was getting off said, excuse me but I heard you saying that you were at a jig that had been cancelled tonight. And I thought Mr Fezziwig? And I thought, yes it was the big event of the night until you said jig.

And now that's what's going to live with me. A jig? Yeah. Oh, I love him. He is like something out of a restoration comedy or something. Did he misunderstand? Was he wearing breeches and long knee stockings? Does he think it's called jig?

Well, listen, many, many years ago, I was in a band, and we were practising at a local church hall, and we were very, very loud, and the police were sent for by local neighbours. Right. What was the band called again, Frank? That particular band was, I think it was called Old English

after the cider, which I'd just started drinking. I was 15. And the policeman arrived and he obviously thought, I'll do a bit of community policing. And he said, so have you done any jigs yet? So there is an underground... When did you say there's an underground? One policeman in 1902.

And an old guy, an old guy, open bracket, my age, on the bus last night. So there's a sort of illuminati of people who say jig. I say jig, yeah. It's a code, isn't it? Yeah, but is there still a chance that maybe he thought... That I'd been to a jig? That he thought you were dancing around a big wooden barrel of ale

and just dipping your hands in. Well, he said to me, I said, yeah, it was Green Day, and he just went, hmm. I don't know who that is. Frank, he said jig. You're surprised he doesn't know who Green Day are. He says jig. If he was from jig. You're surprised he doesn't know who Green Day are. He says jig. Why did he...

If he was from the past, why was he even asking about it? He wanted you to say, well, did you do any reels? Did they play Spanish ladies? Any naval songs? I mean, the guy said jig. I don't even think he's up to a glimpse of stocking yet. No. Green Day.

May not. Maybe not. But. On Queen Day. May not, maybe not, but it cheered me up. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Guess what I did yesterday? You can't. It involved King's Cross Station. Yeah, what happened?

Come on, well. What's that. King's Cross Station. Yeah, what happened? Come on, well. What's that famous for? Molly knows. Molly's the assistant today. Is it something that will... Just shout it out, Molly. It was the regular annual Hogwarts back to school day. Yeah, it was back to Hogwarts day.

What? So, Harry Potter fans, and I spoke to people who'd travelled from certainly all over the country. There might have been people who'd come further than that. Oh, yeah. And you all pile into King's Cross, standing around Platform 9 and 3 quarters. Yeah. And there were some people there from The Cursed Child,

you know, the play in the West End. I met the Ron from it called Tom Aldridge. The Ron. The Ron. The Ron. The wrestler. Tom Aldridge, who I was delighted to see, is a ginger. Ah.

They don't go ginger face. No. In that play. And... Well, what is it then, sorry? It's a party at a station. Well, what happens on September the 1st... It is a party at the station, yeah.

You've really filleted the idea there. Yeah. Not remotely intentionally. Come on, Frank. I want to know at the station. You've really filleted the idea there. Not remotely intentionally. Come on, I want to know about the station party. The crux of it, when it first started, it was a bunch of Harry Potter fans getting together. And I don't think I can honestly call myself Harry. I like Harry Potter, but my son is absolutely mad about it.

So I went along with him um it is very fine i'd like anything to do with jack your brother-in-law well yeah his association made me like it yes he wrote he wrote the stage play my my brother-in-law but anyway they um what used to be a bunch of fans got together because at 11 o'clock on September the 1st is when Harry Potter gets on the train to Hogwarts. It's actually on the, you know the board you get at King's Cross? Oh. So it goes up 11 o'clock, Hogsmeade.

And a voice says the Hogwarts Express is leaving from Platform 9 and 3 and all that. And then there's an enormous, everyone holds their wands in the air. And then there's a massive, a massive chain. That's brilliant. Don't say that. It's a nice Harry Potter thing. You're making it awful. There's a bunch of guys from the RMT shouting scab at the wizarding

train staff. So hang on, is there not a train? I think it was a strike day as well. Oh my god, should we have even been there? Does the train not exist then? Well, that's a long story, but it certainly wasn't

at Platform 9 and 3 quarters. Oh, they never are. Well, that's a long story, but it certainly wasn't at Platform 9 and 3 quarters. Oh, they never are. Well, there is a platform or a train. It's a bit like the receptionist at that place I went to. It's all in the main. They announced the 11 o'clock

train talks. Oh, this is at the train party. Yeah, and there was a massive cheer. Wands were waved. And then I went off to the toilet and I got hopelessly lost. I was missing for 15 minutes. Now, for those people listening at home who don't quite know the layout of King's Cross,

I can vouch for the fact that the bit where they've sort of super glued half a trolley into the wall that is platform nine and three quarters is a direct line of sight

from the entrance to the loo. No, no, but I couldn't go to those ones. It was full of wizards and they take ages. Whizzing wizards.

Is that what they call them? Don't you know about that toilet? It's full of warlocks. So I had to go to the one in the international station, whatever it's called. International toilet? Yeah. Anyway, I was missing for 15 minutes.

My family were phoning me. I was describing things. They were saying, I've never seen that.. My family were fouling me. I was describing things. They were saying, I've never seen that. I don't know where that is. You were saying, I'm near a boulangerie. It's bienvenue a Bruxelles. I've just seen a gendarme. In case you're new to the show, I get lost a lot.

Don't worry, it's not my age. I've been lost getting lost since i was a child it's getting worse though but honestly 15 minutes describing i can see a cat i'm saying a big sign saying camden council and cat saying i don't know that that's what i don't know i've got to tell you them before you but they would when i when i returned did she say to you if i'd have said you're dealing the wrong way you said to me it was fine me and elliot just been going up and down the escalators having fun 15 minutes frank i know i know it was distressing it's like being martin do you remember that when he goes missing from the village and then comes back,

is it the same bloke? We'll never know. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. We was talking eggs post-Easter. Did you see, by the way, that Subway did a Cadbury's cream egg melt? Oh, no. What are those long wooden bread things called? ice cream egg melt. Oh, no. In which you've got to look at...

What are those long wooden bread things called? Baguette. Yeah, like a baguette. The things that their sausages normally come on. Did you say baguette? Wooden. I'd say a cob. A nice cob.

Wooden? Not wooden. Did I say wooden? Yeah. Then I was mistaken. You're thinking of clogs. I'm thinking... He's got clogs on the mind.

Long bread things. Do you think he goes into Subway and says, can I have half a clog, please, my good man? Cheese and toasted clog. I haven't done it. It's a fast food area I haven't really discovered, Subway. No, me neither. Anyway, they did Cadbury's Cream Egg Melt,

which was one of those bread long rolls. Yeah. With a couple of melted Cadbury's cream eggs. Straight to jail. Available with, for one day only, Good Friday. Oh. The day of fast and prayer. It's a bit disrespectful. disrespectful Oh I couldn't believe you

I quite fancy trying one I don't like melt No? I tell you not You're not a tuna You okay with a tuna? No I tell you why Because it feels like it's an Americanism

That people have just assumed we should automatically accept I didn't get asked about this. It was toasty for many years. Very cosy, very British. It was the toasty. Do you want to melt? No, thank you. Yeah, I draw the line at people starting to use grilled cheese instead of toasty.

I mean, at the risk of sounding a bit Faragean, I just think toasty was nice, because there were no pretensions. Melt sounds a bit ambitious. Okay. The Toasty comes with compression and one of those great irons, whereas a grilled cheese could, who knows,

it could just be flat on a roasting tray. And Melt is now being used by the Love Islanders, of course, as part of their language, yeah. You absolute melt. Which means what? A bad man. A bad man, thanks.

A stupid idiot. A negative setting on melt. I know. Bad man was a good way to describe it, yeah. Do you think it comes from the witch in The Wizard of Oz? I'm melting! Do you think that's where the evil thing comes from? Where does melt come from for the bad men? Oh, you're asking the wrong guy.

Does melt have a suggestion of... Just in case you want to use it, Frank. Is it like meltdown, someone with a temper? No, it's got a suggestion of... It's a bit lame. You're a bit of a foolish character. A silly Billy. Hold it, let me get this right.

There are people on Love Island who are being condemned for being fools. Yes, if you can believe it. You absolute melt. Yeah. Is there a one-eyed man in this kingdom of the blind? So thank you. People are condemned

for being fools on Love Island. Yeah. They've got an enormous amount of planks and an enormous amount of eyes on Love Island. Okay. It's a ship of fools, isn't it?

I think that's their tagline, isn't it, for the new series? How would you use it? Your favourite ship of fools is back Yeah. I think that's their tagline, isn't it, for the new series? How would you use it? Your favourite ship of fools is back next week. Yeah, but then you wouldn't know automatically what programme that was going to be. You might narrow it down to about 100 possible series. Oh, Love Island. Love Island.

The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So anyway, they had the top 25 chat-up lines. Oh, yeah, go on then, hit me, baby. So number 19, for example, was, do you know what my shirt is made of? Oh, yeah. Marriage material. So there are six

that are worse than that. Food for thought. I mean, can you imagine? It's unbelievable. I find it's usually nylon anyway. Do you know what my shirt is made of? Marriage.

Why are you telling me this? Well, I'll marry the shirt then. I find it's usually nylon anyway. Do you know what my shirt is made of? Marriage. But what do you mean? Why are you telling me this? Well, I'll marry the shirt then. But it's not angled at all to anything. It's just words. It's like an avant-garde chat-up line. But you just answer. I would just say, well, man-made fibres, I presume.

Well, that's the other thing as well. The risk is that people won't wait. They say things like, there's one about coffee, about latte. Is your name Coffee? Because I like you a latte. But I think the trouble is with that, you'll say to someone, is your name Coffee?

And they'll go, no. Why do you ask that? And you'll never get to your sensational punchline is your name coffee no no go away there was one i liked okay okay i put i would agree with you on all of them however i think it might have been number three are you a parking ticket because you've got fine written all over you now i'll tell you why I can work with that. Hear me out. At least they've bothered to create, to fashion a set-up of some sort of payoff.

And it sort of makes a strange sense. Plus, it allows you to lead with dignity because you're not actually, you're just making a statement. You're just being complimentary, aren't you? There's no follow-up question, yeah. But they could still jump in on, are you a parking ticket? I in on are you a parking ticket? I say are you a parking ticket because

if I get this over quickly, it'll be cheaper. Are you a parking ticket because I can sense this will end in a terrible dispute. I mean, I don't know. As a woman, you're okay with these kind of obviously written lines

from people? Yes. Because at least they're bothering these types. It's better than just getting the emoji and how you'd do it. As far as a woman, I think somebody said, is your name Coffee? I say, no, my name is Sue because I take legal action against sexual predators. Also, if they said, is your name Coffey?

I mean... Also, Sue is a real name as well. It has that in fact. And if you sent that to Coffey and Anne, it would be a very short experience. Yeah, exactly. It's your name Coffey, yes. Your point.

You can't be dropping this in the bar at the UN in a certain era. Is your name Coffey? Yes. Yes. What do you want? I just sit there and mess. It's a messy meeting that generated a lot of these. Is your name Google?

Because you're what I've been searching for. Do you like that? You don't search for Google. You search with Google. No, you'd have to say, is your name Google? Because now I'd like you to help me find more people to say this to. In a kind of infinite fractal. Of course, if you approach a slightly more senior lady like Emily, you might say, is your name Ask Jeeves?

Because you're what I've been searching for. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, Dave Barry let it slip. Because I was bragging about the fact that I get two songs of my own choice every hour and he says, oh, I don't get to choose any. And I thought, ha ha, Dave Perry. I did point out, to be fair,

and he is the loveliest of blokes, but he is a proper radio, you know, five mornings a week. And I'm like the Victorian gentleman amateur who comes in on a Saturday morning, three hours. But anyway, if there's a song on his playlist he doesn't like, he can have it removed. Is that right? And has he exerted his...

Well, I can't tell you what they were. I'll tell you off air. No, but has he done it? He has done it. Oh, Barry, I need to know. Is there a sort of maximum number he can remove? Well, I don't know. Could he just get it all down to one song?

And here it comes again. No, you can't, because there's no repeat guarantee, of course. Of course. That holds him back. Ridiculous. But it did... No, you can't, because there's no repeat guarantee, of course. Of course. That holds him back. Ridiculous. And they announced a new station called Absolute Now, which is just going to play new music, no older than a year old. Oh, wow.

That was a lie. Sorry, I made that up I just I don't know why I gained I gained nothing from it Frank it's very odd

that you just lied for no reason it's such a nice lie I never lie I think I thought that would be great if they'd done that I'd really have respected

I know but Frank you can't just tell lies yeah you're very you're one of the most honest people I've ever met in my entire life. But let's, I mean, 98% of the blokes listening to this in Dunlop green flash trainers and a T-shirt are saying, well, I'll be listening to that. Yeah.

And how much longer will this hangover last? So, you know, absolute now. It's not a bad idea, is it? I think maybe you're doing that thing that sort of happened in, where like a sort of a spokesman for the king who can't speak for himself just says something they hope that he does. And it's too embarrassing to go back on it. So they go, yes, we will be attending.

Yes, sire. Yes, yes. I think it speaks very well of you that because you're such a thoroughly honest person, I didn't doubt that for a minute. No, but I would have been found out. I think you'll find out. It would have been quite an escapade

for you to somehow back this up. Well, you know, I quoted a poem in an interview with a woman from, I think, the Telegraph. And she said, you should do a poetry podcast. And the headline was something like, I'm doing a poetry podcast, Skida. And then I got contacted and said, oh, come and do it with us by our owners. And then it happened. So that happened, not on the strength of a lie,

but of an error. Yeah. An exaggeration. So, you know, who knows? There might be an Absolute. I could be working on Absolute now this time next year. I know I'd be more at home on Absolute then. Yeah.

Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Did I tell Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Did I tell you about our KFC night? No. It was... I went round... Because they've recently moved, so we went round...

We're going to do it once a month. Me and my brother-in-law and our two boys. And we went, we got... Well, we got a... You're going to do what, sorry, once a month? Get to eat KFC? got well we got a you're gonna do what sorry once a month get to eat kfc kfc we watched we ate kfc and watched over 40 kfc adverts on youtube we saw nine different actors playing the colonel and one um vintage shot of the colonel the actual colonel walking through a park, giving children chicken.

Why did you watch the videos? Well, it just seemed... Appropriate. Yeah. So when you're eating things... It was an organic evening. Do you always theme your media around whatever dish you're eating? Not normally, but it did work well. We found ourselves...

The trouble is, you'd get like one campaign. What's going on? There's one campaign and you'd get like eight examples of adverts on that campaign. Like people saying, finishing a KFC and saying, oh my God, I ate the bones. And then someone, and then another advert of someone saying, hey, did you eat the bones? And it was like they'd brought out a fillet. Oh, right. And people were looking for the bones.

And, of course, there never was bones. Oh, I can't stress enough how much I thought going in that this was initially a joke, that you watched a lot of KFC. No, no. Oh, I believe you now. We watched over 40. And then my son said... What about when he watches those dormio ads my son

and to then uh he said then we're gonna uh let's make our own kfc and he had us playing parts i was the colonel with um with white blue tack on my chin saying stuff like hi i'm the curl yeah all that stuff it was it was a hell of an evening. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Sue Barker, if you're listening, go easy on the champagne this early in the morning.

I'm assuming she's celebrating the demise of A Question of Sport. They were nothing without me. All right, Sue, that's your fourth glass. And I'll tell thee what to do. The home life of Sue Barker. There. So the service here is terrible. That's what she used to say at Wimbledon, apparently.

Oh, my God. You know, she was rated two in the world at one point, Sue Barker. She told me she had a beach house in Malibu when she was 17 or something like that.

What? Can I? Yeah. Oh, I quite like Malibu. Malibu? I think it was Malibu. It's somewhere

where a beach house should be. Los Angeles. Well, did she watch Star Wars? Oh, is Malibu wrong? Well, you initially said Malibu. Wars? Oh, is Malibu wrong? Well, you initially said Malibu.

Yeah. As opposed to Malibu. Okay, it should be on the mouth, should it? Yeah. But what about the old Black Lace song? Malibu, boo, boo. I think that's just an artistic license. Okay, fair enough.

I'd love an artistic license. Are they still seven and six? Jenny Foote, our assistant producer, has got an artistic licence because we just handed out the Christmas cards and we were all disgraced. Well, I felt okay because mine are all religious themed, which rises me above everyone. But she hand-painted our cards this morning.

I think it would be nice to put at least mine, if not everyone's, on social media. My Robin, it's the bird on the card, it's not some terrible slang term I use. No. My Robin is holding something very exciting a sentence which if used as a trailer

which will become a break it'll break the internet now who wants to do that? some people rely on that for company anyway oh I tell you what I've had some fun this week

in sort of television guest appearance mode. Yes, you've been putting it about. I have, yeah. Well, I'm trying to help Pierre out. He's supporting me at the Gielgud. It's true. And, you know, I want people to turn up because I think their ego is so fragile at this stageielgud. And, you know, I want people to turn up because I think

their ego is so fragile at this stage of their careers. So, yes, we are doing the Gielgud Theatre in London in the first two weeks of February. Anyway, I've been plugging that. Now, one of my favourite

shows to do in the whole of television is Sunday Brunch. You love Sunday Brunch? I do, it's like a lovely gathering, you eat food, you meet nice interesting people and it's just a pleasant experience. This week I got told

off by Tim Lovejoy What did you do? For basically deconstructing the show. Oh no Yeah? Did you feel that you were pulling the curtain back on the sort of magical inner working of Sunday brunch? Well, he actually put it... He said, stop being so negative, Frank. Which...

Oh. I thought it was... He started off... He introduced... Sorry, I'm rocking currently. He introduced Archie. I'm frightened to say his name now because you'll see why in a minute.

Archie, the actor from Saltburn. All right, yeah. And he said, and Archie, and then he said to him, how do you pronounce your surname? I said, no, this is something I would have checked before. But obviously, in a light-hearted way. Frank, this is something I would have checked before.

But then... In a light-hearted way. Maybe I didn't say that. Maybe I said, did you consider checking this before? Oh, that's infinitely preferable. Exactly. And then I brought up um find the banana which was um no which was a thing that they tried once when i was on they had a banana on set and somebody had to uh if you saw it

you had to say i've seen the banana and say where it is and i think you want a key ring or something so he said we got an exciting thing. I said, you're not bringing back Find the Banana. Just leave us alone, Frank, you bully. I can't imagine why. And the frustrating thing is when you've done it a show ten times, you get a golden Sunday brunch mug. I've got a silver one for five times. But I've only

done it seven times. I don't think I'm going to be asked back. What did Tim Laughjoy say then? He just said, please stop being so negative. Yeah. He didn't say I beseech you. On air though he said it. I basically got told off. So I'll never get me golden.

I don't know. I mean, I'm 66. Have I got another three pluggable projects in me? Oh, God. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.