The Frank Skinner Show - Best Of Show

Episode Date: March 21, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team were hoping to join you live this week, but instead we have a Best Of episode for you to enjoy. There are highlights from Frank’s time on Saturday Kitchen, when he met the Pope and the team discussing who's in the handsome chair? We hope to be back with you next week. Stay safe and wash your hands!

Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, only just about. To be honest, the team and I were all set to come in and do the show live today, but after the Prime Minister's speech last night, that seemed like quite an irresponsible thing to do. And so we decided against it. We're going to play you a show, though, that's got loads and loads of funny bits play you a show though that's got loads and loads of funny bits um from recent times and uh i mean it'll be funnier than usual probably but look um we'll be back next week in some form um we'll do the show remotely we'll do what we need to do i love this show i love you guys but these are dark and dangerous times and we have to take certain measures. But stay on board. Listen to the show.

It's really funny. I'll be listening. So enjoy that and I will speak to you soon. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Speaking of Saturday Kitchen, by the way, are you aware, I didn't know this because I've only ever seen it, mute.

Oh, yeah. They speak out loud. They do that. Is that what you're going to say? I guess that. But heaven and hell is a thing on there. And you say the worst, your least favourite food. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. And then you say the worst your least favorite food oh yeah oh yes and and then you say your most favorite and so i had to do that and my most favorite food is um french onion soup lovely that's your most favorite i really like that i did not know that about you but that is um i did not know that about anyone yeah i love it it's and i mentioned cafe rouge which they were scornful of. Were they? I don't know why. But I also said it's one of the things I like. It's the only soup that comes with a raft. Oh, nice.

Anyway, so the idea is generally, I think, the audience make you eat the thing you ate most, which for me was marzipan. Oh, yeah. So anyway, the audience kindly gave me heaven. Can I just say, great choices on both of us. French onion soup and marzipan, I agree with. Oh, can I just say, I don't.

Don't like marzipan. You see, oddly, the French onion soup would have been very much my hell. Oh, really? As you know. Oh, because you don't like onions, do you? Well, chives are the real enemy. Yeah.

So did you, they let you have your heaven? Was it nice? Yes, so the main man made me a French onion soup. Horrible. It was, wasn't it? It was, yes. A difficult situation to be in, but I really didn't like it. What was horrible about it?

Well, he put, is it chorizo? Is that what it's called? Yeah. And also pork. He put those in there. Made it very salty and meaty. He's had an absolute nightmare, this guy, hasn't he? It's not even named any ingredients.

He mocked the rouge, but actually it wasn't in the same league as the rouge. Really? I don't want meat in it. So he said, what do you think? And you know that thing when you taste at the end, which I think they should get rid of on cooking shows. How did you... Can't you just say, there it is, it looks lovely.

Anyway, next. But did you have to... Ow. I think we should reenact the moment. So imagine I give it... My guess is an honesty compulsion kicked in. This is what he did so Frank

have a taste of this what do you think I had a lovely time on this so I balanced it I said well I wouldn't have gone pork

that was what I said you didn't yeah but I didn't I didn't go right which was your instinct yeah I was so I was so excited about a proper chef

and he's obviously a brilliant chef but I think it's that thing of making it a bit signature by putting meat in it Frank, I'm just wondering what world we're in you think that they should be grateful that you didn't spit it out Well, they

said to me, you can be honest about the food. Yeah. Right. I wonder if they meant that. I don't think they did, for a second. Why even bring it up? But I nearly did.

Anyway, I had a lovely time on there, but except for that. I can't wait to dig that up on the old iPlayer. Half I feel the onion soup, I was thinking, I might try the marsupial. Do you know what's going to happen, Frank? That's going to go viral. There's going to be one of those, you'll never believe what this British guy did

when he was offered French onion soup. I think I put on a pretty good act. I think if you watched it, apart from the port line, you'd think, oh, he loves it. Look at him. It's very hard to say oh no. I wouldn't want them saying, well, I saw you live recently. I didn't think you were funny at all. That would be

harsh, wouldn't it? Even if they thought it. Yes, but you did say, I wouldn't have gone pork. That's like, if someone came backstage and said to you, I wouldn't have ended with that joke, though. Yeah, I'd still be... I mean, they'd be dead to me, that person. Yeah.

Yeah. But, I mean, what's pork even doing in a French onion soup? Yeah. Do you know what? He was showing off. Yeah. Well, you know what happens when you show off? You think he was tired?

Showing off because he was tired. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So I went along to the English college in Rome with Boz to pick up our tickets for the audience with the Pope and got a bit of a tour. Of the college? Yeah.

It's an interesting place. It's like a seminary, you know, so a priest trained there. Yeah. And there's a gallery in the opera, sort of like a minstrel's gallery with paintings on the wall. And he said to Boris, he said, are you all right with the gory paintings and they're paintings of the mark the english martyrs literally being like

disemboweled and stuff i mean absolutely aide de memoir what we had to put up with aide de memoir it's really whoa anyway we got me we got our tickets and the next day set off to the vatican and you led into this uh in in in cold weather it all happens in a big room like a big gig so i guess it holds probably a thousand no maybe less than that, say 600 people. And I noticed when we was going through the metal detector airport security thing to get in, that everyone seemed to have a green ticket and we had white tickets. And I thought, you know, long experience of being in the VIP area,

I thought, hmm. So I went up to one of these guys and showed him my ticket and he went, ah, and took me in. Me and Buzz ended up in the VIP area, I thought, hmm. So I went up to one of these guys and showed him my ticket and he went, ah, and took me in. Me and Buzz ended up in the front row. Ah. Yeah. Wow. Which was exciting.

I like that that's signified by the white ticket. Yeah, yeah. Because that's the closer you get to the Pope's sartorial colour. Exactly. Of choice. I mean, if you get the red ticket for the old Pope shoes, that's it. Can I point out that I was, as a sidebar to this conversation, I was named as one of the Catholics of today in the Catholic Herald.

Pull-out supplement. When was this? Okay. When? Very recently, end of the year. Oh, God, I was pleased. Did you feel like it's too short a time frame to be called Catholics of Today? Like it immediately falls the day after.

I think I hope it was today in the broadest sense. I don't think they bring one out daily. I love that he's happy about that. This is like a Royal Variety performance. I wasn't trying to belittle it. I was just... So the front row, you got the white ticket. Also, it didn't include Adrian Childs,

which, I mean, was an extra bonus. So, I went forward with the white ticket and we were there in the front row and over comes... The Pope goes from person to person at the front and comes over to us. No. Shakes hands with Buzz

and then starts chatting away to him in Italian. Buzz looking completely bemused. I don't know if Buzz looks Italian. He's ginger. Right. Is this your, can I ask, is this your first meeting with this Pope? It's my first actual,

I mean, you know, I shook his hand and we smiled at each other. It's the first time I've ever done that with a Pope. Excellent. I know it may sound strange to you guys, but you should have seen the entrance. They had an umpire band there that had come off. You know.

And he'd come in at the back and they were all playing and he'd come down the aisle shaking hands like a game show host. Brilliant. Down the centre and this band da da da da da da and he's there kissing babies

and there's a thing that they do. You know the little white hat he wears? Uh huh. People take their own little white hat and give it to the Pope

and he takes his off he puts theirs on for a second Oh really? and then he puts his back on and gives them You see he seems quite amenable then. But also, what was this about the lady?

Oh, when he slapped her hand. She did yank on him, though. Did you see that? She nearly pulled him over. Yeah, I didn't like her. Okay. I've had that a few times. This might be breaking news,

but I side with the Pope on that one. This is a good one. This is a special moment for us all. No, you can't put people in their 80s. No. Well, I was thinking when this happened to me, I thought, if I talk about this on the radio, how do I explain to Al how excited I was?

And it's a bit like if an atheist met former GMTV presenter Fiona Phillips who is a self-confessed atheist. Is she? Yeah, yeah. If you imagine that. I can imagine. Imagine the post-Phillips euphoria.

Yeah. Dizzy. It was brilliant. I'll tell you what was great though is we did a handshake and it's all lovely. He's got a brilliant smile. You feel more, you know smile he blessed a couple of medals for us

and then you turn around your chair's gone that's you Don brilliant brilliant but it was pretty brilliant I must say is that what happens here with the chair

when it's time for you to move on you turn around your chair's gone brilliant, I must say. Is that what happens here with the chair? When it's time for you to move on? You turn around, studio, your chair's gone. At Absolute. Yeah, Absolute Radio. But what about people like Bush, who stands up for his show? Oh, yeah. And he's still here.

What about if I came back from the bathroom, my chair had gone? You'd know. I mean, how would you tell Bush he'd been sacked? What I would have is I'd have a tub of hot wax in the corner as a metaphor. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. I would have liked to have seen Gabby Logan. It's one of the few people in showbiz I've shared a plate with. Is that right? What do you mean? We were on a plate a commemorative plate. We did a game show together and if you won it you got

a China plate like you get pictures of the royals on. Oh which? Lady Di and Charles? Yeah except it was me Gabby Logan and David Williams? He did the pilot and then he walked.

I'll be honest with you. You always are. When you said you'd share the plate, I thought you meant a lunch. You'd just had a mezzet or something. I imagine Gabby would have half a satsuma for lunch. No, she's got... Listen, she's cooked me an omelette.

Has she? Yes. Oh, OK. Excellent. How many eggs? At Logan Towers. I've never managed an omelette. Oh, do you know it was a lovely omelette?

I've tried an omelette twice. Do you think we're playing that I've never game? Yeah. No, I've tried. I've tried an omelette. Do you know what I like? Playing I've never with Frank. Most people have, like...

Frank's like, I've never had an omelette. No, I've had an omelette but when I've tried I've tried to cut one twice and it it's it's sort of separated

into small egg sections like scrambled egg yeah yes but not even that all that very separate

so it looked like I'm sure we can sort this out did it look a bit in fact I'm confident there's a YouTube video that we could get. Yes, did it look a bit sort of rustic shoe? It looked like the face of a Doctor Who monster from the 70s. Is it City of Death, the one who wears the white suit? It had that sort of...

Oh, hang on, let me remember. Is it that one, Emily? I've got no idea. He's got a very crumbly-looking face, and it looks like that. Anyone who can make an omelette, I have tremendous respect. She does. Oh, that's good. I make omelettes probably, I don't know, three, four times a week.

Do you really? Maybe more, maybe more. Wow, you're an omelette obsessive. You know what I don't do at home is poached eggs. So if there's poached eggs on a menu when we're out, I often have poached eggs because I think, oh, I don't do that myself. I make omelettes at home.

I remember Gabby did like a sort of stand-up routine on this show that we did about her two children and how one is posh and one is sort of not posh. And it was properly funny and of course it didn't get in the edit because most people doing television

don't know how to edit but we won't we won't dwell we won't dwell on that so it's my last night

tonight at the Garrick having been there for five weeks. You're going to miss it. I'll tell you what. You'll miss the old place, Frank. Oh, yeah, I'll miss it.

I miss my day bed. I had a day bed in my dressing room. I got quite fried. Which has already gone. I'm going to write a memoir of this run called City of Angels Took My Day Bed. Oh, they've got it. So they're in next, and one of them has claimed the daybed, so that's gone.

So the daybed, is that for you to cop some zeds? It's for me to recline on. So it's a bit of a Freudian couch. Yeah, it looks like something that you might have got in a Wild West cat house. One of those kind of... Can you say cat house? I think so. I think it's the cleanest version of a Bordello, a Wild West Bordello.

Gotcha. Yeah, it's got that kind of metal headboard thing. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. But no, it's gone. It's gone too. I'm not really familiar with City of Angels, but I think it's based on Wim Wenders' Wings of Desire, which was a... That would be an interesting thing to see.

Do you know Wim Wenders' Wings of Desire? No. I'll tell you about it when we have some downtime. I think on air it wouldn't... Not on this show. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was I... Well, I wanted to raise the subject of who wants to be a millionaire,

if that's all right. OK. You've got a bit of a nerve going on that, if you don't mind me saying. Frank Skinner? You're old. I was certainly open to the public. I couldn't believe it when I turned up. I mean, Frank, I would say, is this your third time?

It's my first time on my own. Because you've done it with David Baddiel and Adrian Child before. Yes, exactly. I've tasted both success and failure. So what was the first amount you won with David? I've got to think it was 250, or am I incorrect? I think it was either 250. I can't remember if we won 250 each,

or whether... I think we won 250 between us. Which is great. And I remember your final question, which was to do with the chrysanthemum and being Japanese. Isn't that weird? I've remembered that.

Yeah, and then me and Adrian Charles failed miserably. I think got 1,000. It was on where the underground crypts are. Oh, wow. This is great work. And it was Paris. This time, let's put it this way.

I got 16 grand. That's great, Frank. I think if I'd have phoned up the charity L'Arche and just... Which is what kind of charity, by the way? Well, it's an amazing... I don't want to do the speech about what is your charity. They work with people who've got learning issues and stuff. Oh, that's a good charity.

But not in a sort of total integration or like a sort of family thing. So I could tell they had high expectations. Well, they told me. They said we got high expectations. Oh, yeah. And I don't know if I could tell. Lash? It's when I came off.

Was Lash there? No, no. But the person on the show said, oh, yeah, we have your car, sorry, your car's not coming for another 40 minutes. So they obviously thought I'd be going big, and I bombed. But then I would say, isn't it better that you did that rather than risk the money, Frank? Because I believe you took the choice not to. I know, but 16 grand, what's the point?

Yeah. Well, be very careful of saying that, please. No, but I'm on about a global charity. 16 grand for them is like a tiny... It's like a teardrop dropping into the Pacific. Can I tell you what my own... She'll be very happy with it. Don't get me wrong.

If I found 16 grand in one of my old jackets, I'd be over the moon. Okay, can I tell you my observations of the show? Go on. Firstly, can you imagine how I felt when he had phoned a friend? The relief when he phoned his good friend, Pierre, who he's touring with. Yes.

I went and vomited on Pierre's behalf. How did that go? and he really played a blinder thank God for his mental health because he did okay and you must have been relieved Frank that would have been awful of you to put it wrong he's a clever boy

when you play for charity you don't like to guess that's the thing because I would have guessed a couple of them it was your own dime as it were can can i say which frank can't comment on this and i don't know what his view is uh but i'm afraid in comparison all i'll say is i was stumped on several of your questions the others and your i would have got through to the million they were so easy i'm sorry the others had well i i mean one of the reasons which monarch is on the current british currency to the million. They were so easy. I'm sorry, the others had... Well, I mean, one of the reasons... I mean, they may as well have had which monarch

is on the current British currency. Is it like golf, that it was harder for you because you're so clever? I think it was. No, it's a how. A hundred percent. That is correct. That is correct. You were playing off a handicap, Frank, because you're

clever. Look, when I say I can't comment on this it's not because I'm being diplomatic it's because obviously I didn't watch the other two so I don't really know

well I did okay and can I say I can't believe that that could possibly I think it's true they do it on Celebrity Mastermind

of which I'm a massive fan sometimes the general knowledge questions they're harder for some contestants. Is it true you're doing Celebrity Mastermind on Frank Skinner's appearances on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Do you know that? I know them all. Yeah, it's a good job I'm not doing them on that. If they just ask me the questions again. Of course, I went home on the train. That was the. Of course I went home on the train. That was the night, when I went home on the train, that was the night of the guy going,

your name's not down, you're not coming in. Not tonight, not tonight. So the whole thing turned into a spiralling nightmare. Like the end of the Catch-22 movie. So yes, it was a desperate day. But can I tell you something? If you'd have got Martin McCutcheon's questions, you'd have been on the million. Well, I've always thought that.

But I have never had more biscuits and confectionery in a dressing room than I had for that show. Oh, really? They were already rewarding me for the great contribution. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, um, I woke up at, um, well, this is where it gets complicated. I woke up in order, I'll be straight with you, to go to the toilet in the night.

Sounds like 24 hours in police custody. Yeah. No shame, innit? No comment. No shame. No shame. You know, I'd had a drink. Yeah.

Okay, it was water. And then, so what I always do, I don't know if you do this, maybe you guys don't get up in the night at your age, but when I get, I always, like, tap the old iPhone, see what time I got up. So I did that. Nothing. Because you keep a journal, don't you?

Yeah, exactly. Oh, exactly. That's the sort of thing I'd put in my journal. Is it? So I tapped it again. Nothing. And it had utterly and completely died in the night. Oh.

Sorry, are we still talking about the phone? Yeah. Oh, good. I just feel somewhat relieved No, that died many Anyway, so The fear on the young people's faces I know

I think it was the ancient mariner who said Alone, alone, all alone, alone on an open sea Can I just say, I never thought the glittering eye sounded bad I loved his glittering eye Back over to you, I never thought the glittering eye sounded bad. I loved his glittering eye. Back over to you, Frank, in the studio. Well, so then I'm in a situation. My family are not there, by the way, so I'm in on my own.

And I don't, that's my alarm. And I've got a radio show the next morning. So I thought, there must be another alarm. So then I thought, there's that little plastic alarm clock I haven't used for years. And do you know when a battery gets that white stuff on it where it's been left?

So that was like, as I opened it it was like, just like powder and dust. So then I'm thinking, how am I going to get up for the radio show? And I thought, I'll just have to stay up all night. Yeah. And then... Can I tell you what I would have done?

Go on, what would you have done? I think I would have hired maybe some sort of worker to just spend the night with me. I'm not saying anything would have happened. Oh, that sounds... How would I have done that? I'd have gone out on the street, like the old days,

and procured someone in that way. Yeah, I think that would have been... Perhaps an underground toilet in Shepherd's Bush. Yeah, exactly. And said, excuse me. I just want to use you as my alarm clock. Yeah, will you get me up in the morning? No.

I mean, I was stuck. So in the end, I remembered I've got an old sort of Wi-Fi thing. Not Wi-Fi, Hi-Fi. Oh, yeah. And I thought, I wonder if it's got an alarm on it. So I went and had a look. Good show. And it had, but this was in a different room.

You know all those sort of equipment, they've got about 900 wires. Oh, yes. So I had to carry the whole thing like I was carrying a basket of, and into the room, and then work out how to set the alarm. Yeah. And then I couldn't work out how to find a radio station. So I woke up. I say I woke up.

I basically stayed awake anyway because I wasn't confident this would work. Yeah. But anyway, it did. I was woken by... Luckily, it was someone percolating some coffee. No, it wasn't. So it's been a terrible night.

Did the phone never come back on at any point? No, the phone. How did this happen? I watched the first episode of The Romans just before I went to sleep. On a phone? Yeah, I've got Britbox. I was watching The First Doctor. Okay.

And it was fine. I think one of the young ones can sort this out. What do you do, though? What do I do? I go to the Apple shop or something? Look! Look at it! Have you stopped doing that? Well, leave it with the young ones to sort out. I'm sure they will. There might be a problem.

They all look so scared by this story. Honestly, to them, this is like reading Kafka. Yeah. It's as if I've been arrested in Eastern Europe to their minds. Look at their faces. No phone, you say? The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. I'd just like to say something. I am loving Brad Pitt's energy at the moment. I want me some Brad Pitt energy. He has good energy. I'm anxious. I'm anxious about the Jennifer Aniston stuff. What, he's hankering after her again?

I'm worried he's going to break her heart all over again. Yeah, she's fine. I'm quite pleased about it because they used to be called Brad and Angelina were called Brangelina but if it gets back with Jennifer Aniston I think there's a possibility of us calling them Braniston Oh god that would be good

that would be in a pickle I'll set them up, you knock them in Frank But isn't it supposed to be if you go Brad don't you have to go her first name? Yeah, but... There was a rather brilliant one on Twitter. It doesn't lend itself as well to a joke.

No, OK, you were right. You were right to break the mould. I think he's the one who's going to have the heartbroken, I'm afraid. Damn. Yeah, well, I think he's... As I believe a woman pointed out on Twitter, he got seven kids and, like, too much alcohol. She good.

She's a free agent. He's got a lot of baggage, Brad. He's not as appealing as he was from that point of view. I thought he had six. It's hard to... I think we're splitting hairs at this point. We know the point we're making. He's splitting hairs as far as his inheritance is concerned. Well, this is true. Six or seven, still a bit too much baggage.

Anyone listening with six or seven children, can we say we think it's a lovely, warm family thing? I envy your Christmases. Speak for yourself. We're all different. So when all the runners and riders get together for you know for the oscar norms they have the oscar nomination luncheon can i ask a question before we go into this and i think we've had this debate before but i think it might it changes so i'm just want to

be kept up to date for many years you know i have this series there's a series of chairs and people sit in those chairs so there's that if you do a joke about someone being a drunk there's someone who's in that chair at the time and they are seen as the drunken yeah person yes or the you know the unreliable the dodgy person or the womanizer or whatever it is and he was in the best looking bloke chair for i mean 10 or more years people and i when i'm talking about these chairs i mean people would say well you know he's a bit of a he's a bit of a brad pitt i mean it would be absolutely the yes word for it i am guessing he's a 56 year old man with six kids he's no longer in it

who is, who now sits who is the byword for good looking maleness well it was Ryan Gosling I think it was Ryan Gosling but he never got to Brad I mean I think Ann Nora would say Brad Pitt I don't think she'd say Ryan Gosling is she the benchmark then? I think she's would say Brad Pitt. I don't think she'd say Ryan Gosling. Right.

Is she the benchmark then? I think she's a benchmark for things. Should we just ask her? Yeah. How many kids has she got? I think... How many children has Lady Macbeth? That was quite a big debate, a literary debate.

He's still good looking. I looked at pictures of him this week. He's got that different kind of getting older guy. Rogged. But I don't think he's in the... Anyone got any clear views on who's in that chair?

I'd love to hear it. But yes, sorry I interrupted the story. You're forgiven. He decided to wear... You know you're given these name tags on the table when you often come into these events. And he decided, rather brilliantly, I think,

to wear his name tag. So it said, Brad Pitt, Best Support supporting actor nominee once upon a time in Hollywood now obviously none of the others sported their name tags it's like when I don't know if you've met Madonna but she introduces herself by saying hi I'm Madonna and there's that weird thing of oh well I know so I mean you must have you met people Frank where you thought because you've met Elton John and I can imagine it would be very strange if he said, Hi, I'm Elton.

No, he didn't. And when I saw... I recently went to an audience with the Pope. Did he say, Hi, I'm the Pope? When he came on stage, he didn't say, Hello, I'm the Pope. I'm sure he didn't refer to it as stage either. No.

On stage at seven. I respected him for that because he backed himself. Right. Yeah, he thought they'll know. And I thought that was brilliant. I mean, forgive my question, but had there been a compere that said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the pub?

No. There was no intro. He came in like a game show host through the back door. So that's confidence. That is real confidence. No intro required. And I don't... I don't know about you, Al.

When you go on, do you say, Hello, I'm Alan Cochran? No. No. I want to see how it's going before I tell them who I am. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

You've lit up the switchboard with who's in the handsome actor chair. Oh, yeah. That Brad Pitt occupied for so long. I'm not a sorry actor. I mean, public figure. 391, Tom Hardy's in the chair. He's been in the chair for a while now. Has he?

Again, do people say Tom Hardy? I said 391. Of course he's a bit Tom Hardy. Do people say Paul is a bit Tom Hardy do people say that no I would say we've had there was a bit

of Ryan a bit of Bradley Cooper for a while was he in the chair yeah see I can't quite picture who he is

so it wouldn't work for me I know but then there is the sort of people who men think is good looking for years it was Pierce Brosnan

but also he's a handsome man and no woman ever fancied him. No, I agree. I think it works both ways. Of course it does. I think women have this idea. Yes. The women that you think. Yes.

Exactly. Zero Two always suggested Idris Elba and Jason Momoa. I thought that was going to be Manfred. We were all on the edge of our seats. But no, Jason Momoa, I don't know. Oh, he was in Game of Thrones, the one with the very striking eyebrows. Someone mentioned in the studio, mentioned Harry Styles.

I think that, to me, is the closest dart to the bullseye so far. To me, as I think I've said before, he looks a bit like he's on the school run in Hampstead. Looks like one of the mums. I don't mind that. I know. I still think of him flying in that video. I mean, it's one of the best things ever.

It's his birthday today, apparently. Is it? Harry Styles? 26, is that right? Was David Beckham not in the chair for a while? Yeah. In the handsome chair. I'm just going to give Beckham. He might still be.

I think that's another good dart. Good errors. Okay. Styles and Beck's good errors. Yeah. But the reason we're discussing Brad Pitt is that... Styles and Beck's is what they call,

of course, Victorian David Beckham. Yeah. The reason we're discussing Brad Pitt is that he wore this name badge. Now, I have a theory that may be somewhat polarising. I think Brad Pitt might actually be, like me, a bit misanthropic, and I think he might have put on the name badge,

because anybody seeing Brad Pitt wearing a name badge would assume that it's a lookalike who's not that self-confident and therefore not want to talk to them. But it was at the Oscars launch. Yeah, I mean, nobody's going to expect Brad Pitt to wear the name badge. You'd expect a lookalike. They might think, oh, we've got like 10 for this year.

There are two main interpretations of this. One, you could say he's such a lovely bloke that he doesn't know how famous he is. Now, I think that's quite a hard one to take on board. I remember arriving at the BBC once and no one came out to meet me. And rather than phone anyone or make a farce, I just walked, went into my sense of direction,

but I went in, asked a couple of people on door and I found my way to the production office I was heading for on my own. You will know that you're my hero. Well done. I like that. But the thing is, it was what I would call getting people to sack humility.

Because yes, it was me saying oh, it's fine, but really it was me saying I have never, but in the lovely still keeping, what a nice guy, but where is Gavin? He was supposed to be there. He's for the high jump.

And I felt there's an element of this. Sorry about that if you're listening, Gavin. I think it's humility delivered with a double-handed sword. I think the person who said to Brad Pitt, is your name badge, is probably already waiting at a soup kitchen somewhere in LA. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank in LA. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. We've really got into this conversation about who's in the handsome chair. Can I say I've really enjoyed it. So have I. I feel like we've both on and off air. We've really objectified men and I've loved it. It's been really good fun.

I think Al's on tenterhooks thinking, are we going to mention him at any point? Oh, no, not at all. Not at all. But it's really good fun. When I was a kid, the man in the handsome chair was Rock Hodson. And people would always say he's a bit of a Rock Hodson.

We didn't know. No, we didn't know. I like Nico Mode, who suggested Prince Charles. I think that's incorrect. Well, he was handsome in his youth. That's been stuck in the system for a while, that one. You know these letters that you get in the paper occasionally who were posted in 1938?

Somebody listening to one of the Decade stations, maybe. We've decided on, in the handsome chair, just in case anyone's interested, I think we all seem quite, there seems to be vague agreement over David Beckham. Yes. I suggested Emily's friend David Gandhi, but maybe, I don't think,

Annora wouldn't know David Gandhi. She'd know Gandhi, but she wouldn't know David Gandhi. I don't think Gandhi was in the handsome chair. No, for all his merit. But David Gandhi, DG, yes. Terry Wogan used to say to me when we worked together. Clang!

That there was only a... He said there's about, at any one time, there's only ever about five people in Britain who could walk into any room anywhere and they would be recognised. That's a great theory.

And he said, I am one of them, of himself, which was certainly true at the time. Brilliant. Yeah, there aren't that many. Well, I would say... That is really good. How do you deal with introducing yourself? And there doesn't need to be false modesty because, well...

Well, why start now? Yeah. Exactly. However, there must be situations where you're conscious that everyone knows who you are. So do you say, I'm Frank? Yes, I do. Do you?

Yes, because then I give them the chance to confirm that they knew that already. Yeah. Which makes me feel good that I've been both humble and it's been proved that I'm well known. So you've been humble and it's been proved that you're humble. It's great. It's a double win. Yeah, you know, it's a...

Well, it's the humble... It does work. Can I say this failed once? I went... I still look back on this with some surprise at myself, but I went into a, there was a hospitality event at this football game. And I walked in and the guy on the door said, have you got your pass? And I reached into my pocket pretending and then took out my right hand

with a pointed finger and just pointed at my face. I mean, it was outrageous. And he said, oh, yeah, all right. But really, it wasn't a good thing to do. You could have done both hands and drawn a box around your face. If you think I'm doing that and Brad Pitt is wearing a name badge, the world is upside down. It's a potentially high-risk strategy as well, Frank.

Can I ask a... I mean, Brad Pitt has just been nominated for the Best Supporting Actor. Yes. He... See, I thought he was fading away a bit. Was that wrong, or is this a comeback? Oh, I think it's...

No, he's... I think it's a resurgence, is it? I think he's much loved, Pitt, isn't he? I'm just thinking if he hadn't have had the nomination, would he have dared got a name badge that said on it, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, as if it was the beginning of explaining who he was.

Yes. If you turn the badge over, it's got a little bio. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 579 has sent us an interesting message. Oh, yeah? Frank M and Al, I used to eat OXO cubes as a child, and I still do. Good on you. I'm in my late 40s.

OK. Think yourself lucky if that's your diet. And then, what, do you think that's it? You think salt must be all right for you after all right for you after all a lot of tummy rumbles must have with a glass of orange squash oh no that's gross like that's nice i like the sound of that well all right i'm gonna have to take back my thought about the next sentence never met anyone else that did this until i met my husband love you all darling that darling. See, that's how we find the right person.

Yeah. In life. If they eat OXO cubes. And pink orange squawks. If you meet someone who has a similar quirk. It's a heady cocktail, that is, now.

When I say a similar quirk, I don't mean, obviously, Pauline. It's one of the other families. We didn't think you meant that. So you're going out with Pauline Quirk, and they're going out with, like... Linda Robson. Helen Quirk, who's a cousin who looks quite a bit like her. I got in the other night late.

Yes. What time was late? Well, it was about one in the morning Oh that is late And you know I sat down and I had a nice orange squash And I thought to myself Is it too late for orange squash? It really felt

It's not a night time drink Yeah It's not really a It's not really a sort of 2019 drink if I'm 100% honest with you. Dear Dietary, did I do a bad thing? No, I don't think you did anything. Squash has sort of died out now, darling.

I don't know. I mean, obviously text in any fans. I still have a squash sometimes. Do you? I thought to myself, if this was, say, a Ribena, which we could call a blackcurrant squash, I would feel that all right, because there's something about its purpleness If this was, say, a Ribena, which we could call a blackcurrant squash. Sure. I would feel that all right, because there's something about its purpleness which makes it of the night.

Oh, yeah. Yes, it's a... Whereas the orangeness of squash reminds me of the sun. It's the sort of morning drink, isn't it? Orange. Orangey drinks are very morningy. I would say you're right. Orange squash is your daytime friend.

Yeah. And Ribena's your nightclubbing pal. Yeah. We've all got them. I remember I had a cleaner once, I know, and she was going to Ibiza for a week and she had her nails done like one orange, one yellow, one orange, one yellow.

And I said, that's nice. And she said, yeah, sun and sand. Which I thought was fabulous. No, she was talking about your laundry pile. Yeah. Yes, I know what you mean. Sometimes in the evening, you see a hot chocolate. Similarly, if someone, hot chocolate at 10 in the morning,

a bit strange. Yes, yeah, that's true. Yeah, you'd better be skiing yeah one of the other um one of the other squashes you can get though you can't get apple squash oh you can't apple yeah we do it's really nice i've never heard anything called apple squash well we get it and uh and my kids were really excited that i got some the other day. It's one of the few bits of good dadding I've got to chalk up in the register. Can you get a melon squash?

Oh, I don't think so. I don't know why squash is seen as so uncool, though. Yeah. Wow, because it's quite 70s, Frank. It's not very healthy. If we were in a cafe in LA now having breakfast and someone said, I'll have an OG please

and they ordered an orange juice, that'd be fine wouldn't it? Give me OG. Yeah. Actually, OJ Simpson was known as the juice, I believe. Yes, he was, yeah. Would he, if his name had been OS Simpson, would he have been known as the squash? No. He wouldn't.

Oliver Sacks. Does anyone call Oliver Sacks the squash because he's OS no that's my thing so what would it be wrong if that same guy said

give me an iron squash people would think what the earth has happened anyway I think squash is getting quite a bad deal

and can I also say I spent my whole childhood not calling it squash. Squash was someone I picked when I was 20. We always called it cordial. Right. So you'd have orange cordial. Well, when I had my Scottish accent, we always called it diluting.

Oh, did you? We would just say, can I have some diluting, Mum? That's all. You've made it sound like a very trendy energy drink. If it was still called diluting, that gorilla that escaped from London Zoo and had five litres of Ribena would have known not to drink it neat.

Yes. Apparently, you weed purple for three days. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Let's have a proper radio texting. Oh, yeah, go on then. What is it? Last week.

What is it? No. Would you rather? What about unusual crush? Oh, that's good. Well, mine. Now, when I say unusual crush, are mine...

Do you know Ray from Star Wars? Oh, yeah. Daisy. Yeah. I think, oh, I know exactly who he is. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Well, not actually her.

Not actually Ridley. Not actually her, but there's a, I saw a Lego version of her in Hanley's, and I thought, wow, that's amazing. Yeah. And I felt a little uneasy around it, and I thought, I'm going to have to get out of it. It's life-size. Oh, was it?

Daisy Ridley, don't get me wrong, is a very attractive woman, but it's never really... It's the doll. She's never, let's say, floated my boat. I think she's brilliant in the film. Yeah. She's scenic, I'm not. Yeah. She's scenic. I'm not denying that.

She's scenic. But there was something about her Lego version. Okay, Frank, that is up there. I'm going to... Can I say one other one that I picked up

quite recently and this might mean nothing to you. Is this Obscure Crushes? Obscure Crushes. Yeah, come on. The tiger in Kung Fu Panda.

Something really sort of slinky and... It's very hard to say. Obviously slightly feline, but very... Words I can't use. But, you know, sensual. I like this. Kat's going to start seeing ads popping up. Tiger sanctuary.

What about my... Surely you remember one of my obscure crushes? I can remember your obscure crush. Who is it? Vince Cable. Vince Cable. Well, I'd hardly call that obscure. I won Henry VIII.

I think you're forgetting the third one. Who's that? Son of canoe man John Darwin. Oh, yes, of course. I've only ever seen one photograph of him. Excellent work. In a Sunday Times supplement, there was a photograph of him. Very good.

It was based on one photo alone, but I just thought he looked attractive. Well, people have met on that basis, of course, in the modern world. The Darwins are hard to track down. Well, yeah, exactly. Where do you park your kayak when you're meeting? Yeah, my one's difficult. What's yours? It's never going to My one's difficult. What's yours? It's never going to be realised.

Never. What is it? I doubt tiger in Kung Fu Panda. It's got to come off. That's a good point. You make a very good point. Do you know the TV, the Netflix television series,

Making a Murderer? Theresa May? Do you know the Making a Murderer series? Yes. The victim, Theresa Holbeck. I fancy Theresa Holbeck. Oh, goodness me. She's pretty. I haven't seen this. Do you mean she's... She's no longer with us.

No longer with us. But there's quite a few pictures of her as a nice, happy young woman. She's pretty. Like, obscure crush. Her She's pretty. What an obscure crush. Her memory lives on. Yeah. Lovely. Have you seen her in Lego?

No, not yet. Not yet. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Frank, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want first, Frank? I'll go, well, you know, want first, Frank? I'll go...

Well, you know, it's top load. I'll go good news first. Can I give you the bad... Oh, no, the good... No, you choose. You choose. I'm going to trust your sense of theatre. The good news is that you have been...

sent a message proving you right. Well, that... I know it's the best news. Yeah. Abe Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is an awesome film. There you go. So that's exciting for you, isn't it? Wasn't one of your silly films.

Bad news, Harry and Meghan are not happy here. Okay. They're going to leave the country. I don't know if you've missed this news cycle. Well, I mean, we should discuss this. I'll put the news about LBJ being the second tallest on hold, because this feels more relevant. That's from 454.

I'm afraid he picked his beagle up by the ears and caused a bit of a public outrage. Oh, Lyndon B. Johnson did? Yes, yeah. Did he? They often get into trouble with dogs, these people. Yeah, remember... Mitt Romney?

Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney. Well, he said it. Oh, no, he didn't. And the vapour trail of canine excrement that he left behind him. When he put the dog, Frank, on the roof rack. I know. I mean, Google it, guys.

Google it, guys. It's one of those stories. I would put it up there with Sir Gawain and the Green Knight as one of the great stories in the English language. Would you put it up there with when the gorilla drank the Ribena? Oh, kombucha. Kombucha, yes. I mean, that's in the top five.

I think that was it. Five litres of Ribena dropped by a gorilla. He went crazy wild. No water. No diluting. Just the diluted. Diluting? The undiluted.

Purple wee. Purple wee. Okay. So, Megan and Harry, or Megxit, I believe they're calling it. That's right. Very clever, that. I bet the person who'd come up with that just couldn't. The trouble is, nowadays,

if you come up with a joke like that in the old days, you'd just go and do it proudly. Proudly! Now you'd go on the internet to see if any... And all those pond jokes, ten other people have come up with them. Yeah. So it's a...

I hate the internet for that. It's a bit like on the 1st of January when you realised that it was 2020 and you thought, oh, I've got a vision for 2020. And then everyone's done 2020 vision. I think I did one myself. I'm desperately ashamed to say. I think I used to do a joke about how,

rather than 2020 vision, I had 1812 vision and that I was making overtures at people. Oh, that vision, I had 18-12 vision and that I was making overtures at people. Oh, that is... I love that. It's a little bit more elegant, isn't it? That's an excellent joke. Thanks, Frank.

Okay. Anyway, back to the news. They're off. The news cycle. So, yes, they've... Well, you know, Megan. Did you know this was going to happen? Were you in the WhatsApp group?

No further questions at this time. I will be holding a press conference. I've met Megan. Yes. And as you know, I liked her enormously. Yes. I found her very charming. You liked her what?

Enormously. Oh, okay. But I found her, I know this sounds strange, but she was a bit too normal. No offence to any members of the royal family. Yes. But she just seemed a bit like someone you'd meet at a party and have a conversation with. And I didn't, that's problematic.

I fear that she'll be tweeting in a minute saying, I have never been so unsullied. But no, I see that as a massive, it's like, it's not for normal people, really. Yeah. Because you've got to be a bit strange in that family. Did he do that thing that you do when you get into a new relationship? And she said, look, my friends have said there's a lot of press intervention and invasion. And he goes, no.

Yeah, yeah. It's great. We never hear from the press. I've been in the press for years. Yeah. And then when she comes in, she finds out the real truth of it. Maybe.

But did you get a tip off about it? That's what we want to know. No. Okay. Can I say... If you should have told us and then we could have stepped in when they wanted to get

a Frogmore house refurbished for 2.4 million. And we could have said, when they wanted to get Frogmore House refurbished for £2.4 million and we could have said hold on we know you're off so can I just say Madam Two Swords they're always quick off the mark that was a really clever bit of

publicity but I want to know how that happened the meeting as well have they been melted down? they didn't get melted down, Frank. They got taken out of the official royal line-up. Wow. Moved elsewhere.

Yesterday. Put in with American celebrities now. They're actually in the foyer greeting people now. No, the real ones. Now that'll be a couple of years. Yeah. Jack was quick, though, to move them out. Well, I think maybe the old queen gave them a call.

She might have said, remove them. No, she might have said, bring them over here. We can put them up. We can take them to official things. Oh, nobody will notice. No one will notice. It'll be absolutely fine. Photo opportunity.

I wonder what Piers Morgan thinks. Is that something you've got on a t-shirt? Absolute Radio The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I like something I never thought I'd say

but I did like something Nigel Farage said He said This is how they get you you know I know In a couple of years you'll be like me

This is what happened with Reece Mug and that joke about the tattoo part they get you, you know. No, I don't. A couple of years you'll be like me. This is what happened with Reece Mugg and that joke about the tattoo part. Oh, but that was incredible. That was brilliant. But this was unintentionally funny for us.

But, you know, still, credit where it's laughter. I still got, he still got the laugh. But I saw a clip and he said, I tell you, it's 1936 all over again.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the abdication. Yeah, and it just seemed a very Farage take on it. Yeah. To mention the 30s. I think his memory's in black and white. It was very Pathé. And I also saw Charles, is it Charles Moore?

Yes. He used to edit The Telegraph. Has he got a big beard? No, it's his son's beard. Was it him? I may have got this wrong. It might have been the one who used to edit The Standard, who I can't remember his name.

But anyway, one of them said, well, I mean, it's very sad what's happened to the Royal family. I just hope they don't remain on non-speakers. On non-speakers? And that's a very posh way of saying I'm ghosting you. And maybe the first time he's ever said remain. way of saying I'm ghosting you or not talking to you. And maybe the first time he's ever said remain. Is there a case, though?

This week, I put Boz to bed, my seven-year-old, and he was back to school the next morning. And he got a bit teary and said, can't we just stay on holiday forever? Yeah. And they have just had a six-week holiday in Canada and I wonder if they'd just come back. You know when you think, why don't we get, we could move here.

I moved to this exact, yeah, this is it. This is what's happened. It's so tempting that. They had a local beer or a sangria and they've let it go to their head and thought we could do this forever. We could get a place here. Yeah.

I feel, the trouble is with that, is usually that goes away in a week or two and you calm down, but they've committed so publicly to it now. Yeah. They might be stopped with it. And why you would want to leave a family like that, lovely uncles, I don't know.

I also thought maybe there's an uncle in the family thinking, I wish you'd announced this six weeks ago. You're taking some of the heat off me. He can't believe it. There he is. There he is. Might be an uncle in the family thinking, I don't mind being the patron of the Royal Society for the protection.

I've got some spare time on my hands. Do you think the response when he asked that is, no, you're all right? Yeah. I felt sorry for Harry when they said they reported, it is reported that the Queen telephoned Prince Harry direct immediately after the announcement. Can you imagine that call for him? Well, I've heard that he picked up the phone and she sang the whole of Billy Oceans

when the going gets tough, the tough get going, in a sort of shrill, accusative voice. So, I don't envy him that. The poor queen, I mean, you know. I've never heard that,

the poor queen. Yeah. And other things no one has ever said. I know, but it's... I like that these strange jobs come out, though. Like they said, well, you hear these correspondents talking in these strange jobs come out, though. Like, they said, well, you hear these correspondents talking in this way,

using these weird archaic... They said, well, obviously, the finances will all be down to the keeper of the privy purse. Keeper of the privy... Chaucer's Britain. Yeah, and the sovereign grant. The money that they receive from the sovereign grant.

Yeah. Do you think they said... I thought Russell Grant had been promoted into it can you get me some money out of the sovereign grant I just need to pay the milkman I think what they should do is get the money that we are going to save as taxpayers by not having to pay Meghan and Harry at the sovereign grant the royal family should put it on the side of a double-decker bus

and say it can go to the NHS. That's very popular. They're streamlining it, apparently, and there was a succession photo, wasn't there? And there are reports that the succession photo didn't go down well because it's just the four, isn't it? It's Queen, Charles, William and George, your favourite, Frank. Yes.

I think Harry's sixth in line. I believe so. And I think it was seen as, this is Charles's idea, the streamlined royal family. And streamlining will cause problems. Well, look, I think they could solve the whole thing by saying, OK, well, good luck with it all. The Duke of Edinburgh's offered to drive you to the airport.

This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Daniel Craig, he's your personal, sort of Moriarty figure in your life, really. My cleaner who left me for Daniel Craig has now gone on. We should say you weren't involved with her either. Your cleaner wasn't Rachel Price. No, no, she was my... who left me for Daniel Craig has now gone on. We should say you weren't involved with her either. Your cleaner wasn't Rachel Price. No, no, she was my... We were clean.

She cleaned at our home. Yeah, and then? In fact, I spoke to my current cleaner the other day, and she said, oh, yeah, I clean for Daniel sometimes. I thought... Really? He's working his wicked ways again. She'll be off.

Yeah. That is for sure. I mean to get clean, as I'm not suggesting anything else. Apparently, we were talking about the Samsung deal that he turned down because him and the movie was Spectre at the time. Yeah.

And was it Sam Mendes who directed that? I think it might have been, but if I'm wrong, I do apologise. But he didn't think it was the right fit for Bond. They said, apparently he said, Bond only uses the best, so he wouldn't be seen was the right fit for Bond. They said, apparently he said, Bond only uses the best, so he wouldn't be seen with the phone. He was offered, they were offered 50 million as a deal

and he was individually offered 5 million. Well, Sony's supposed to have offered them 50 million, but we don't know what that was for. They might have wanted him to use a mini disc. I think Sony offered 18 million. Samsung offered 50. I mean, what we're saying is these people are being offered a18 million. Samsung offered £50. I mean, what we're saying is these people are being offered a lot of money.

Yeah, yeah. Who was it that made the magnet that takes the zip on the dress down? That's a sponsorship. I think he got that from a scrapyard. Just like three quid from a scrapper. Do you think there was a point where Daniel Craig went, I don't think we should have a Samsung phone

because Bond wouldn't have that? That there was anybody in the meeting that wanted to say, Daniel, this is all pretend, but the money's real. Yeah. It's like it's not a documentary about a spy. Bond didn't have blonde hair. Yes. All right?

All right? Just shut up and take some of blonde hair. Yes. All right? All right? Just shut up and take some of this money, mate. All right? Just keep doing that. I like that the new film is called

No Time To Die, which just basically sounds like he's got a lot on. Yeah, that's exactly how I interpreted it. I haven't got time to die, dear.

I mean, I'm so busy this retired. I haven't done the hoovering. Isn't that the point of this, that he's retired in this one? Yeah, but why don't they just call it Bond? I haven't got a minute to myself. Why not just call it Bond 35 or whatever it is? Just do them all like that now.

That's the way forward. Yes. Not as sexist as it used to be, it could be called. Yeah. Well, I was watching it on the project. Yes, exactly. I watched a clip of the new Bond film. Is that what he called them?

Oh, yeah. I watched a clip of the new Bond film, and it was a bit odd, because the trailer before... I was watching, you know they have the ad beforehand, I hate those ads, Frank, skip this in three seconds. Why not just let me skip it now? Anyway, the ad that I didn't have the option to skip was two middle-class kids in karate uniform, Al.

Cool. Just to bring you into this. Love it. And they were saying, please slow down, Daddy. And the dad's going too fast. I mean, I think they survived. Oh, right, because of the speed of awareness. Yes.

They survived, but they were like, no, Daddy, stop. It was one of those, very distressing. I thought at first it was going to be a dad karate teacher hitting them too fast. They couldn't do their blocks. And then we kicked into... Oh, really? With Bond going around the Monte Carlo sort of chicanes.

Yeah, don't drive too fast, James. That would ruin the whole franchise. Daddy, no. So we're going to go. We're going to go when it comes. James that would ruin that would ruin the whole franchise yeah daddy no so we're gonna go we're gonna go when it comes it's coming out late because of the corona

yeah but um we used to be we had an outing we've had a couple I think to bond we did Spectre no

Spectre to Rector we've done two the deal is I booked the tickets and that's the deal. I think I buy the popcorn. And you've got the popcorn.

You get the popcorn. Let's see, that's a good deal. I love it. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we were talking about Bond and No Time to Die and the fact that, as you said, it's about his retirement. I believe that's when it starts. So it's him queuing at the post office.

Yeah. Essentially. Doing watercolours. Cushion number seven, please. Watercolours, yes. Ordering, maybe him flicking through the supplements, Frank. Ordering some of those nice elasticated trousers. You know, I have given up shop.

What if he'd resigned to retire and he'd woken up in the village like the prisoner? Because that was the old idea that spies weren't supposed to resign. Yes. Because they knew too much. They had to be hidden away. That would have been a fabulous intertextuality. I always thought if I ever got a mastermind, which I wouldn't, but I grow old.

Don't put yourself down. I grow old. But I think I always felt my specialist subject, I'd love it to be the prisoner, but now I think it might be Pete. Disney character. You've done a one week deep dive on

Pete. I mean, I've gone deep. On the subject of films, though, I just wanted to raise something, which is, while we're talking about branding, did you read this about Apple? Rian Johnson, you'll know him. Frank, he's your community,

because he did Star Wars The Last Jedi, I believe. Oh, I thought you meant the S&M community that Frank jokes about being involved in. Did he do The Last Jedi? I may be wrong. I think he did. I'm sure he did his job. Our readers can let us know if I've got that right.

But he did Knives Out, which is fabulous. He has revealed that Apple told him the villain in his movie was not allowed to be seen using an Apple product. Oh, you know, I think. And he has explained... Not an apple. The difficult thing was the film was about the Garden of Eden. Not many scenes where Bond baddies are eating chutney with someone. That Isaac Newton biopic's all over the place.

Doesn't Snow White use an apple product in Snow White? Is that right? Yeah. Yes, the witch. Oh, I always had to play in the school play. Thank you. Oh, no. I know.

No, I had my revenge, Frank. Oh, yeah, they do. Well, I did. I got laughs. Thank you. Snow White doesn't get laughs. The witch does. That's for sure.

I played it. I went to see Snow White and the Six Dwarfs last week. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid the sneeze is self-isolated. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Now, one thing I forgot to do, to be fair, the producer's supposed to tip me off for things like this, but, you know. Oh, yeah. Is I forgot to trail our guest this morning. We only ever have, I think, five people who are allowed to be guests on the show. And I forgot to mention we've got one coming in.

Allowed to be guests. So, yes. So, Tim Key is with us this morning. The rom on her neck She wore a yellow ribbon She wore it in the springtime And in the month of May I think he thought that was going to be some Russian music. Yes, it should have been.

I just think it's jolly. Yeah. And you're a jolly guy. How are you, Tim? Fine, thanks. Good morning. That was a good interview. Yeah. That's not it. That's not it. Yeah. And you're a jolly guy. How are you, Tim? Fine, thanks. Good. Morning. That was a good interview.

Yeah. That's not it. That's not it. That's see ya. No, no, that'd be terrible. Badil next week. Tim, you know who the other people are. Yeah, there's a small group.

I'm not saying it won't be expanded, but, you know. For now. At the moment, it's you, Alex Horne, Stephen Moffat, Neil Gaiman and David Baddiel. Yeah, I'll take that. That's it. I mean, it's going to be pretty hard to keep up that standard. I don't want to dilute. Yes.

You've diluted a bit, haven't you? It's a group where I wouldn't rely on any of those people to fix my car. No. Yeah. Who do you see as the dilution? Alex, maybe? Oh, that's harsh. Big star now.

Yeah, he is, actually. I mean, you know, I think you might say he's overtaken you. I don't want to be... Yeah, I think I might. This isn't our thought. It's certainly overtaken. He's overtaken me. I'm accepting.

I knew it was going to go weird, but I didn't think it was going to get personal. I'm accepting. No, I'm in the same boat. I mean, Alex is in the same boat. I mean, Alan's in the... Alex is in a speedboat. Yeah. Alex, of course, is the mastermind behind Taskmaster. But Tim Key is in the studio.

Well, hang on a minute. I'm the task consultant in Taskmaster. Yeah, but are you the mid-viewer to his comic relief, to his Bob Geldof comic relief? Yeah, I thought so. I can tell by those pointy sideburns. My pointy sideburns? There'll be people listening to... This has been a horrible interview

so far. No, well, I'll tell you what, it's about to get... You're going to love the next section. Right. Because there'll be many people thinking, well, why on earth is Tim Key on here? What's he got to sell this time? Why do you keep squinting at your screen every time you say my name?

You have to remind yourself. I'll tell you keep squinting at your screen every time you say my name? Because I'm... You have to remind yourself. I'll tell you why, because I'm trying to read... I'm trying to read this. Oh, good. If you like playing cards And you like poetry If you like things that look nice

And you like Tim Key Then it may just be that we have found The perfect thing for you A lovely deck of playing cards With poems on them too Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards Tim Key's Poetical Playing Cards Oh, and on then too. Tim Keys, poetical playing cards. Tim Keys, poetical playing cards. Tim Keys, poetical playing cards.

From artaandpress.co.uk It was great to see you. You can't help but smile, can you? It's lovely. That's really good. It's lovely. You can't help but smile, can you? It's lovely. That's really good. It's lovely. Who made that? A guy called Joe Auckland,

who is in the horn section. Is he a bishop? Is he a bishop? Bishop Auckland. I'm going to just go straight in there. Is that your role? I love that song, Tim. I don't want to spend ten minutes on that.

I feel, when I hear that song, I feel I should be serving a gentleman a martini and have a beehive in the bar. Do you feel me, Frank? I'd like to see you in shots bandoleros. Do you remember those things? Oh, yeah. Used to wear those Mexican bandit things,

but with shots in each one. Wow, those were the days. Different time. Yeah, you don't get it in a Starbucks What? Shot sandaleros So, Tim, you are the first person Even in the days when we had guests on a regular basis

We never had anyone coming on to plug their new set of playing cards This is a, I mean, this is a first Trailblazer You are a trailblazer Have you seen the cards? I haven't Do you want the cards? I haven't. No. I haven't been either.

All right, hang on. I got mine out this morning. I got a preview pack. They're beautiful. Oh, I've got... Oh, okay. I'm going to have a look at these during the... Can I say...

Can we watch these down? Can I just point out when the fun stops, stop. Yeah. these down. Can I just point out when the fun stops, stop. Yeah.