The Frank Skinner Show - Big Daddy's Birthday

Episode Date: January 28, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by Divine Miss Em and The Cockerel...and various other surprise guests along the way. He's sixty! And he's got a bus pass and itchy knees. The team talk Morgan's 'mare and go to animal corner.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Oh God, I can't get this right. Who do you have my reading glasses? It started. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Let's get it out the way, I'm 60 today. Happy birthday. Thank you. Big Daddy has a big old birthday. 60, mate. It's your special day, Frank. My, my, my. We've been so inundated with birthday wishes, haven't we?

They're coming in now. The post this morning. I mean, the switchboard is lighting up. People saying happy birthday to you. Oh, good, they're saying happy birthday. It's lovely. They're not complaining about the fall. I've just opened a card from Patrick Field,

who sent me a card with a 10-bob note. Oh, good for him. Which is like I used to get from my older relatives. And it's a proper... I thought it was a sort of proper ten shilling note. Outstanding in his field. Yes, marvellous.

I even had a card from the Remorsels. There's a band I play on here quite a lot. I love the idea of a band sitting around signing the card. Taking a little moment out from their rock and roll lifestyle. Hey, Spider, have you signed it signed it there'll be someone that'll be the drummer will it spider it's always a spider i hope so so have you enjoying your birthday so far so far it's been

lovely i've had nice presents from my radio family here i had a a beautiful stylish notebook personalized notebook from Emily Dean with Big Daddy on the cover, which is what she tends to call me. I won't explain why. A copy of Sapiens from Alan Cochran, which is a book I would say it's almost, him being an atheist, it's almost his Bible. He's always quoting from Sapiens.

He's trying to convert you. Yeah yeah it's a bit of a life changer and i've had some lovely presents i think the present that that stat is the sort of originality stands out is that um we are going on an outing that the people on on here which is um sarah and charlie who are um on the other side of the tracks yeah as it were i mean the tracks as in the tracks i play much as the oh i see yes all right i thought was nicely twisted and um alan emily and me are gonna go and see gilbert o'sullivan in uh in concert which um there'll be people at home now saying, oh, I love the Pirates of Penzance, but Gilbert O'Sullivan, I don't know if you recall, if you're young people,

but I was absolutely a massive fan of his stuff. Yeah. And I realise I know the lyrics to about 16 of his... I know all of them, so you and I will be singing along, and these three, Charles, it's our night. We'll be humming.

Frank, the exciting thing is, I think we're, as they say in the trade, we're going to go back. We're going to go back as well. We're going to have a... For goodness sake,

going back at a O'Sullivan concert. We're going to have an MAG meet and greet. Yeah. So that's very exciting. Who knows what else today... But I'm wearing... Will your day be as fabulous as your heart?

Can I just show you guys something? Just the top part. No, I don't. No, no, no. Boxer shorts. Underwear. I'm wearing white pants today while I still can!

That's... Well, I guess what else? Go on. It's official. Uh, uh, uh, uh. God, bus pass. Uh, uh, uh, uh. In Parkhead. Yeah. It actually came, it actually came on Tuesday. Does it come in the post like the Queen's card? Yeah, it says, uh, you don't have to wait. Can you use it straight away? Get a few early ones in. That night I was on the bus to De Rose and Cavalier, an opera I went to with my friend Baroness Bakewell. Oh, I thought you'd gone down to the boozer. You went on the bus to the opera with Baroness Bakewell.

I did. She wasn't on the bus. I don't know how she got there. I think Baroness Bakewell would take the bus. She's that type. Oh, yeah, definitely. Keeps it real. Brilliant. I don't know if she got there. I think Baroness Bakewell would take the bus. She's that type. Oh, yeah, definitely. Keeps it real. I don't know if you know Dear Rose and Cavalier,

but it's an opera pub. No, they banned me from that pub. It's partly about the horrors of ageing. Oh. It's about an older woman who has a younger lover. Oh, hello. And then he meets a younger woman and the older woman has to face the realities of

life great so that was uh that was good it was like getting a fact sheet with my bus pass but no so can the bus pass be used on all forms of transport in london it's not a freedom pass i can't go national if that's what you're thinking But I don't know if I'll be travelling that far from home. Not deliberately. Also, in Birmingham, you never have to pay for anything up there. No, I just stick a hand out. You're the patron saint of Birmingham. I can flag down a private car.

Good for you. There's four there at the moment. 542 has texted in. Happy birthday, Frank. I had to check Wikipedia this morning because I can't believe you're 60 can I say the correct thing to say I would say

perhaps new to fact checking because Wikipedia is not always the place to go and check facts I would suggest I mean there's been some amazing missives we've had including at least 5 I count so far this morning asking about the Botox again. Yes.

I mean, it's... Do you look well? The ultimate compliment mixed with a sense of phoniness, but I don't, I've never, and I won't have Botox. Happy Botox Day, says Anthony Thompson. I mean, for goodness sake. Big fan of the show and the

life lessons. Well, stick around. Frank mean, for goodness sake. Big fan of the show and the life lessons. Well, stick around. Frank Skinner on the radio. I was just watching a bit of footage of Theresa May and Donald Trump. Oh, yeah, thanks for the tip. Can't get a sheet of paper between those two. I'll tell you what came to my mind. Both a little scared Neither one prepared

Beauty and the Beast Which is, I mean, it's good It's a good interpretation for Teresa But that's what was there Well, she's got to start wearing red over there Because that's their colour She's been wearing a lot of red Has she?

Well, that's their colour They did it the wrong way round don't they the wrong way around yeah that was a republican color isn't it i believe oh and blue is for democrats right i see that's correct but millennia wore blue at the inauguration oh powder blue lovely it was very nice actually now now listen can i just say if i was was Theresa May, when I got off the plane, I would have a piece of paper to wave and say, peace in our time, about the NATO agreement.

Don't miss that opportunity. Anyway, sorry, you were saying... Colin Pepiat has been in touch. Oh, yeah? And says, looking like you do at 60, you've got to be the best advert going for joining the S&M community. I think screaming out loud is good for the facial muscle.

Do you? I do. You do a lot of that. I do a fair... Yeah, before, you know, pre-Safe Word. I mean, I've got to say, Frank... LAUGHTER Yeah.

People are genuinely flabbergasted. Yeah, I mean... And this is... Stay off the booze, kids, is all I can say. That's a good tip, yes. People don't wantabbergasted. Yeah. And this is... Stay off the booze, kids, is all I can say. That's a good tip, yes. People don't want to hear that. We've had a lot of texts being nice to you, Frank. And normally this show operates on a praise-redacted system, doesn't it?

It does. But Mash in Battersea has suggested, for one day only, shall we say, praise unredacted, and compliments you, but you're looking extremely uncomfortable with that. No, well, like I say, I love praise, but I can't cope with it being read out. It reminds me of lesser radio stations.

What about a happy birthday, Frank? Of which there are so many. Happy birthday, Frank. I first saw you live at the Edinburgh Festival on my honeymoon 22 years ago You looked a lot younger then Oh, that's not very nice is it? I was a lot younger then

Oh you was I suppose you did didn't you? Time's travelled Of course, I'm holding on I should have of course started the day with Elton John's I'm Still Standing That's what they're done on Capitol. Am I right? Not here.

We've had a text suggesting whatever happened to. You know, whatever happened to that we do quite often on the show. Whatever happened to the last 60 years? Whatever happened to the birthday bumps? I'm not sure that's a good suggestion. I'd be doing quite a lot of the heavy lifting there, I think. How dare you say that?

No, we've got... Blumenthal might be coming in with the daddy saddle. Oh, no, that would be very bad news. Indeed, IMO. I'm glad you didn't play I'm Still Standing. No, I'm never doing any of that. I'll tell you what did happen to me. You know, I did those gigs at Solo Theatre recently.

On the last one, somebody called out something about you know my birthday and i said that i would be um 60 and for the first time ever my age got a round of applause you know how people on game shows how old are you i'm 72 yes that's like when they how long have you been married uh 28 years when do you get the round of applause for the marriage? Is it over 25 years? I think nowadays. It's around about the nine months.

Yeah. Well done, you. I don't know. That's a good question. 8, 12, 15. How long do you have to be married in order to get applause at the announcement of that number? We're off.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. we're off you know I got a birthday card with a 10 shilling note in it this morning I tell you what that's what they used to tip me back in the day Frank I'm a millionaire but I picked up a jacket this week I hadn't worn for a while

and there was a 5 pound note in the top pocket. Oh, magic. I tell you, the adrenaline rush. It never goes away. That is magic. Finding a note in a jacket. And that fiver feels like the currency rate has gone up. I mean, that's worth like about £100. I tell you what it feels like. It feels like it was never mine, that fiver. I think, what shall I spend this on?

It's like a bit of ecstasy. It's part of my general money, but it feels like it's coming from the outside world. You see, at the risk of being attacked by ways of people on Twitter, you're gentlemen, so you don't have handbags. And I have a handbag. Now, our ladies will find the pound coin.

You see, we have a similar... The pound coin in the bottom of the bag. The two ladies are nodding. There's no feeling like it, Frank. Can I say something about Sarah, who is, I think, the junior member of the team. How old are you, Sarah? 24.

24, so... Ask me that, I'll punch you in the face. My maths isn't good, but is that two-fifths of my age? I think it is. Come on, anyway, trust me. I'll add in. I'll add in.

Yeah, I'll just say yes. She was reading some of the... I must say, I've had seriously some lovely messages today from people. Thank you very much for that, and cards and stuff. And she was reading the messages and said people have gone totes amosh. Yeah. Which I love a bit of French. Oh, I thought it was Esperanto.

No, I don't know what it is, but I like it. I think it's the leanest way of capturing the way that people have gone there, totes amosh. I don't think there's a spare letter in that. I think it's good for me to keep up with the modern world like that. I think it wants us to make an extra effort at 60. Oh like that. I think one has to make an extra effort at 60. Oh, yeah. I think you'll find it's millennial that she was speaking. Yes, but I think I'm going to try and learn millennial.

Well, you have to learn Gen Z now. It's over for the millennials. No, but it's good to be able to speak to... I was at someone's house the other week, and the teenagers were there at the table on their phones during the meal. And I thought... The mum and dad were sort of saying, oh, sorry, this is what they're like now.

And I thought to myself, you know, once you've told them that they've got tall and asked them how school's going, I've run out of teenage talk anyway. I was glad when the phones went on. Right, yeah. It was a blessed release. Because you do feel old if you say stuff like, what are you into?

What's on the hit parade? You can't say stuff like that. Well, I really embarrass myself. I try and sort of throw in some cool songs or something. Well, I've done that. Oh, man. Weren't fans of Gilbert O'Sullivan? No. No. But I did...

I sort of slid into the room going uh what was it it was uh he's gonna play play play haters gonna hate hate hate hate everybody i'm just gonna shake shake shake shake it up shake it up i love songs about dandruff oh Oh, my God, that's what that's about. I'm glad that's what that ended up being. I bought... You've got an itchy leg today. I've got a bit of an itchy leg. Oh, that's what happens now.

I'm glad they're still there. There's always something, isn't there? No, that's his gout playing up. I think I've got a trouser rash. It comes with the territory. Are you? Can I ask you a question? I'll tell you what, we should go to some music,

but I'll ask you the question first and you've got time to prep. OK. Do you ever buy yourself a birthday present? 8, 12, 15. Right here on Absolute Radio. Where are you? Dispatches! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where are you? Dispatches!

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say amidst all this joy that I was very sad to hear of the death of John Hurt today. Yeah. The war doctor. He'll always be the war doctor to me. I say that, although, you know, me i say that although you know people say television is you know this and all that we don't have a television and it's very yeah he was in a program called the naked civil servant in which he played um um famous homosexual quentin crisp

which i would honestly say changed my life changed my i think to tell us about this? Your average homophobic West Midlands 70s teenager to someone who actually completely changed their mind about it. I told him this. I was once in a lift with him and I said to him, this is one of the few times I'd like to be stuck in a lift. I thought

he might join in with this idea, but he didn't. I met him a couple of times, Frank, and I liked the way he always was exactly how I wanted an actor to be. He had a hat, he had the trench coat. Yeah. And he had that marvellous voice. Yeah.

Well, not that one, but, yeah. No, he had one like that. Very, very sorely missed. Ah, thank God you've said that. Yes. OK. It's always bad when a doctor goes. Yeah.

523 has texted us, can Frank start every anecdote with, I'm a millionaire? I did think that that would be great for the trails for next week. I'm a millionaire, but... What about when I went to a cafe with my partner, Kath, and I said, can I have a... I had a decaffeinated cappuccino, and I said, can I have a piece of millionaire shortcake?

And she said to me, don't show me up. I said, what do you mean? She said, everyone's going to be thinking, oh, yeah, Benny's having millionaire shortcake. Al, I know you're talking about the cafe. I know it's Frank's birthday, but I believe in being honest 365. Yes. So I have noticed something about you in cafes. Oh, yes.

You never trust your suspicion of the decaf coffee. Oh, yeah. I've never seen anything like it. Have you encountered this, Al? Well, that's probably... That's why I stopped drinking coffee altogether. This is a birthday intervention, but you've got to trust. You've got to trust these people.

No, but this is... Here's my life, right? I'd like... Campus thing you've ever said. Here's my life. Can I have a decaffeinated coffee, please? Yes, yes, of course. So, say, three minutes later.

OK, you've got tea and cranberry juice. I hope it gets better soon. And cappuccino. And I say, decaffeinated cappuccino. And they go, yes. That's my problem with it. What's funny, I think, is that you seem more stressed when you order a decaf coffee than you do when you order a non-alcoholic cocktail.

Yes. You never go, I did say non-alcoholic. You never ever do that. You're never seen stressed by that. No, because of course it's still part of me inside. Hoping there might be a little bit in there. Thanks for airing my cranberry juice story. I thought that was between us.

Yes. I mean, I've usually just come out at the gentleman's convenience where I've been drinking the hand sanitiser. Hey! Hey! You've got to hide your love away. Connor has been in touch. Oh, yeah.

If your pass has an English rose in the top corner, you can use it on all buses over England and Wales. Yeah, well, I'll have a look. I think my mum's does. Just talk amongst yourselves. I don't think it does. No, it doesn't have an English rose in the corner. Thanks for bringing it up.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We should, I suppose, say that this weekend, what is normally Absolute 90s, which is one of our many decade stations, Absolute, has become Absolute Frank. And he's, I believe, 45 hours of this show. And also there's a new two hour interview with me, with Adrian Charles interviewing me.

It's a weird thing to plug my own self. Well it's two days it's not just yourself because we will feature. Oh will we? Yeah. They don't take us out of all the links. No one's told you that.

You know it's a special day. You know it's a special day. We got voice of an actor for those bits. Yes. Yeah. Oh, dear. No, it's... Of course, it is the show, so it's the three of us,

and Gareth Richards, who was... I like to think of as... And some of our lovely ladies, like Zoe Lyons. and Gareth Richards, who I like to think of as... HE SINGS And some of our lovely ladies, like Zoe Lyons, etc. Yes, they'll all be on there. So it's the whole... Lots of the show. What if people don't like the show? It's torture. If you don't like the show,

well, A, you're probably not hearing this anyway, but probably don't listen to Absolute Frank when it's on for 45 hours. If you don't like the show, our thoughts and prayers are with you. But it's a great dipper in her. Even if you don't fancy 45 hours. I mean, I think it would be a lovely thing for

especially a first date. I think it's a bit of a time before you die. I love the birthday day. Paris Hilton said, I know she's not often quoted, but bear with, Paris Hilton once said, the way I see it, you should live every day as if it's your birthday. And she does, to be fair.

Paris Hilton once said that she'd discovered the Bible aged 20. And this is a woman who grew up in the hotel business. Just holding a drawer. Strange. Yeah, that's willful blindness, isn't it? Yeah, willful blindness. Is that the bloke from The Voice? That's right.

So I bought myself a present. Did you? Yes, we were talking about that. So what did you buy? I think that it was a bit of a a bit of subliminal realism in this because i bought um edward gibbon's decline and fall of the roman empire oh yeah but i bought the abridged version and i think that's what you do when you're 60 yeah it's for the best you think i don't know three three volumes, a bit optimistic. Get it on Talking Book and listen to it on one and a half speeds.

I remember my dad... Really rattled through it. My dad's saying you should just read poetry over a certain age. Well, yes, when it's... That's a good system. Yes. I read poetry in bed last night. Oh.

Who would have thought? So have you started your book, Frank? What, Gibbon's Declining Fall? Yeah. Yes. Oh, lovely. It's brilliant. Have you ever read any of it? I haven't, no. It's a classic. According to the cover.

It's actually a Penguin classic. I like the idea of buying yourself a gift, though. I've started doing it now. Do you do it? Yes, I did one not long ago. Well, it wasn't even my birthday. But I think it's a nice thing to do because everyone buys you stuff, which is lovely, but you know what you really want.

Be good to yourself. Be good to yourself. Yeah. Yes. Treat you like you treat your friends. Yes, it's lighter than you think. Is that what the song says? Enjoy yourself.

Yes, it's later than you think. I went to a lovely posh restaurant this week and I suppose he was the maitre d' came up to me and said, Oh, Mr Skinner, great to see you again. Of course, he used to come to my other restaurant. He then said the name of a restaurant I'd never heard of. Oh, Mr Skinner, great to see you again. Of course, you used to come to my other restaurant. He then said the name of a restaurant I'd never heard of. Oh, how bad.

Certainly never been to. So I smiled and said, yes, how are you, and all that. And then I went in, and later on, someone said, cut out my photo. And I said, yes, sure, fine. He said, I've been to a lot of your talks. Talks? Talks. Is my stand-up so oh dear so poor nowadays that it's it's been misinterpreted as just a talk does he think

he walks into a microsoft convention yeah or does he think i'm simon charmer or someone i'm sure both cases were mistaken identity and that's's it with the ageing face. We all sort of, we all started to look the same. Who did he think you were? Because it's normally Stephen Tomkinson or Graham Norton. Yes. I think that, the Graham Norton thing since he grew a beard has... Grew away a bit.

Has helped a bit, yeah. Okay. Talks. I don't know. I don't know who does talks who looks like me. Who goes to several talks by somebody? Knowing what a comedian you are, I can only imagine the anguish that the word talks has caused you since you said that. What if he'd seen some stand-up?

Tom Gardner. Frank. Tom Gardner has sent us a picture of a West Bromwich Albion birthday cake. I don't know if he's baked it especially for you. He says, happy birthday, love. P.S. Any good recommendations for a safe word starting my foray into that world very soon? Well, I can't tell you mine. If I say mine on air,

there'll be men all over North London stopping still in their tracks. And, you know, they might be crossing a road. But, um... LAUGHTER I think it's something like Mother's Maiden name. No, it's not! Also, can we just, please, respect for Foray?

Oh, yeah. Exactly. Now, that's... And Kanda. Yeah? Yeah. Good for him. It's nice, isn't it?

It's gone well. A man, actually, I won't tell you what it was, but a man, I was on the train today. Yes! I'd used my bus pass. Oh! And as a man got off, he handed me a copy of the Metro. And he'd written on the top a very complimentary message about me.

And what was the nice thing? Underneath it, in the same pen, he had completed both the tea time and the cryptic crossword. It was like a compliment that came with references. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's a bright thing. Lovely. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Surely not. There must be some mistake. I tell you what I did this week. I flew economy. Oh. It was a mistake. Good to hear that. How are you?

Well, I tell you what, I was was reading the paper how are things back there i i picked up a daily telegraph free on the thing and i was reading the sports section and i went to put it in the uh the netting back back back of the net i went to put it in the strange elasticated netting in the sharples hairnet on a flight it's the strangest thing i went to put it in the strange elasticated netting. What is that netting? In a Sharples hairnet on a flight? It is the strangest thing. I went to put it in there, and the guy next to me just held his hand out for it. So I just gave it to him.

There was no, please, thank you, nothing. And then I noticed when the woman came round collecting rubbish, she put it in the rubbish, never asked if I wanted it back. And then when I finished the main paper, I just accepted by, this is what manners are like back here. Right. Imagine if I said that. And I finished the main paper,

I just handed it to him, and he just pulled a face and shook his head. Nothing, no, so we gave up on that. He knew the news. Did you get a free drink? He might have been a mute. What did you get back there? You He might have been a mute. What do you get back there? You have to buy everything back there.

OK. We've got to stop saying back there. Actually, I fly economy occasionally. I know, but, you know, I've got to say I return... Al, do you fly economy? I do fly economy. Yeah. I know, but...

We're not all on the millionaire shortbread, are we, Starling? When I'm paying for myself, I fly economy. Yes. But when I'm going professionally... So on the way back, I was in club, and the woman came over, gave me two bags of mixed nuts, a sparkling water, and a branded coaster, and I felt like crying.

I felt like I'd come home. Oh, good. Oh, it was... Do they give you the nuts? They don't normally allow those on the plane these days. No, two bags. I'm really worried. So it's interesting. At my age, you can still have little things Oh, it was... They give you the nuts. They don't normally allow those in the plane these days. Two bags. So it's interesting, at my age,

you can still have little things that may help you to appreciate what you've got in life. Yeah, that is nice. I appreciate those small things more, I find. Yes, I've been told that before. Frank Skinner on the radio. This is, speaking of which, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I'll let you decide who's common people and who's pulp.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website, don't you know? What else? website don't you know so what else yes other we had we had a message from a young child in me I was it quoting a young child oh yes we did oh that's right well I would describe it as kind of a review really out seven three four is said thank you for turning up on your birthday Frank rather than one of those pre-records

love the show although my 7 year old just asks why these people keep arguing no I replied they're being funny that's what we sound like Frank Skinner show aka why these people keep arguing

of course that bloke will be glad of that explanation when his marriage collapses. We're just joking. We're just being funny. Go back to bed. Anyway, let's hope it doesn't happen. What's in the news? That's the big question.

Well, I'll tell you what's in the news. Go on then. Morgan's had a bit of a mare. Morgan's had a mare. I know. Morgan's had a mare. Here's... I know. Yeah. Things got so bad, he turned up at the NTAs. You familiar with the NTAs? The National Television Awards. Thank you. I-I know them as an outsider. Oh, Frank. They're not your people. No. They don't know who a houseman is, these people.

Oh, oh, oh, you know what you've done there. Well, they might know who he is. I'm just saying, I don't think they'd fashion an alarm in his honour. It's gone off. That's very mean. There it is, the A Houseman alarm. From the early days of this show. Yes.

And actually, he had to have a gag on his mouth. Here's Morgan. Yeah. I wonder what his safe word is. Yes, he actually... But that was him sort of saying, I know. Yeah. Oh, yes, I know what you're thinking.

Because he got into a little bit of trouble this week because he offended Ewan McGregor. Ewan McGregor did a no-show, didn't he? He did a no-show. Yeah, I'm not happy with a no-show. Well, he was, what do we think of this? Because he was booked to go on Good Morning Britain. Yes.

And he was in the green room. Apparently things got as far as that. Oh, I went forensic on this story. He got as far as the green room. He was in the building. I mean, come on, you've done the job. And then he found out Pers morgan was host co-hosting and apparently said no no deal i'll do if he doesn't get involved in the interview and they

said no i'm sorry which i think is fair enough i think he said i'm not going on after what he said about hashtag women's march he might have said hashtag because piers had been rude about the women's march so anyway so ewan m McGregor was out the building, gone. And Piers Morgan got upset. So they had a bit of a Twitter spat. Yeah, it got very... Oh, it got ugly. Some of it, I don't... Well, we couldn't find

the breakfast right. Yes, yes. Some of it was really savage. I will say this. If you are having an argument with an actor to say that he's having and I quote, a thespian tantrum is excellent work, argument-wise. I mean, I'm no fan of Piers Morgan, but that is excellent arguing work, because every actor I know would absolutely hate being told

that they were having a thespian tantrum. He said, you're just an actor, what do you know? I mean, I did Good Morning Britain not long ago and was interviewed by Piers Morgan and Susanna Reid. Worked with him more. Well, I love Susanna Reid. She's my idol. I'll tell you something.

He's not a bad cricketer. I've played cricket with him. Is that right? Took a great catch, I remember. Anyway, that's a different thing. And Piers Morgan is Piers Morgan. It was quite enjoyable being interviewed by him because it's a bit like...

Have you ever seen those things when someone's practising tennis and the serving machine suddenly goes haywire? It's like that. So I went on to plug, I think I was plugging the art show I do on Sky, which is on Tuesday nights at 8 o'clock, and I went on and he said, so, what do you think about Donald Trump?

That was the first question. And then he went on to West Brom, do you think Tony Peel is a good manager? So you didn't know what was coming next. And it was quite interesting. I mean, also, isn't his, I say that like he's a close

personal friend, he's not, but isn't he just sitting inhabiting the nasty chair quite consciously? So you know we talk about the chair, don't we, on this show, Frank? We say you're in the good-looking chair. At the moment, in the good-looking chair, I'm going Ryan Gosling. Piers Morgan is currently in the nasty chair. Can I say, can we just have a sidebar here?

I saw La La Land last night. And? I loved it, darling. Don't tell us anything about La La Land. La La Land, don't want to hear anything. BAFTA screen it, darling. Don't tell us anything about it. I'm not going to tell you anything. La La Land. La La Land. Don't want to hear anything. BAFTA screener, darling. It was for my consideration.

Oh. But it wasn't for mine. No, it was... Did it make you love Ryan? I was quite fond of Ryan anyway. And I've loved Gosling for years. Yeah. Yes.

And how do you feel now? I don't know that about you. Did you love him? Did you love the film? I completely loved it I could have took another couple of numbers You could have danced all night I heard Yeah but it was great

And I like to think that on this show we're working in Ha Ha Land Oh God Come on I thought that Yeah there's some DJs Not on this station Kill for that, that's what that... Yeah, there's some DJs... Not on this station.

Kill for that. That'd be gold. Kill for that? Kill for it. France Skinner on the radio. So we're talking about Morgana, Piers Morgana. Yes.

I feel he's just very self-consciously inhabiting the nasty chair. Do you think he's a troll? Do you think he's doing that thing? Well, I think he's doing it because he finds it amusing and also it's working. It's good for the show. It's their moment, isn't it?

Well, there's him and Katie Hopkins and Donald Trump and Nigel Farage. It's their moment. In terms of sort of compassion and humanity, it's sort of Dress Down Friday at the moment. And so I think people like anything that's a bit... And I also think a lot of the stuff he says

gets then built up to sound worse than it was. But anyway, the main thing is the old echo chamber theory. Don't just be around people who agree with you. Yeah. Well, a lot of people said that Ewan McGregor should have gone on the show. Why didn't he go on? Sell his film. Yes, this is what Piers Morgan said.

Sell his film and then say, oh, but before we go, like Matthew Kelly did on my show. Right, yeah. Matthew Kelly came on. You really have to bring that up. It's one of the most cringe-making moments of my life. It is cringe-making, but it's had a lot of hits on YouTube. I personally have watched it about 170 times.

So he came on and he sold his play and he did it and it was lovely. And then he said at the end of it, he said, now what about this thing you said about me? And then went into a... And he was going to do it off camera. That's the kind of promo he did. And you know what Frank did? Frank went, keep them rolling.

I said, yeah, no, get the cameras on, let's do it. Not many would have done that, Frank. And there are moments when I watch it where I look, you know, haven't you made me tell the joke again? He says, you and David Baddiel told a joke, he says, not that I've learnt it off by heart, but I have. He says, would you like to repeat it now? Let's see what the audience thinks.

So he made me repeat it, got nothing. He said, didn't get much of a laugh, did he? I think he said, I don't hear people laughing. And I saw the dynamics a bit different. Which in fairness then got a laugh. Yeah. Thank God. I was rooting for you there.

But he did write to me after and say, thanks for the edit of that. Because, you know, you don't come out of it that well. Which is, you know, which is fair enough. But that's what he should have gone on. And he should have had it. Because old Morgan will argue Till the cows come out So he'd have gone for it

I think that might be why he didn't do it I think maybe Ewan McGregor might be thinking Well I'd like to argue with him about it But maybe he knows himself Maybe he thinks I'm one of those people that panic in arguments You know when you end up I had an argument with a vegetarian last year Did you?

Playing sci-fi You know when you end up- I had an argument with a vegetarian last year. Did you? And, uh- Playing safe, eh? And they were- Steve laughs They were- they were shouting stuff at me and I had this moment where I thought, I can't remember the facts that I need for this- Steve laughs Oh no. I can't- I really need my facts!

Like, he might just be one of those arguers, you and McGregor, and he's thought, I've got that to- I've got that to look forward to on a regular basis. Steve laughs Some people are such good little arguers, though, aren't they? Some people love it. No, but if you take this show, just, like, Emily loves horses, which I hate. Good impression, though. Thank you.

I, you know, I follow the Nazarene, which neither of you do. No. And Alan... Likes the marshals. He likes physical violence. Done. And, you know... He likes physical violence. I don't. He likes the nunchucks, Frank. We just accept those differences.

Yeah. So, I don't know, I think he should have gone on and then he should have fired a few bullets. I don't mean... Can I say that literally? Goodness me, I can't say anything. Well, Piers said, I'll be writing a column about Ewan McGregor once I've sent it to him for approval.

Hashtag vein spotting. When I hear the word vein spotting, it's not what it makes me think of. It's like sitting in bed with a torch is what I think of. Frank Skinner on the radio. We were talking about Piers Morgan. Yes. Were we?

Well, he got into trouble again. Were we defending him? I felt a bit. Were we Morgana apologists? Yeah, I think... I don't think we were defending him. I just think if you're about to do a TV show, you should do the TV show,

because you drop a lot of people in it, and he should have gone on and just said, anyway, before I go, I've got a bone to pick with you. A four-year-go. Yeah, a four-year-go. Johnny Walker, I believe. Was it Johnny Walker or is it Bells? I think it is Johnny Walker.

If anyone will know you well... Also, I think there may be a touch of Ewan mcgregor perhaps he's been listening to this show you know we've been quite often doing hashtag late reviews yeah he's suddenly gone i'm not sure i like pierce morgan pierce morgan's unlikeability has been in the public domain for at least a decade hasn't it but that would be you know when they ask celebrities how much a pint of milk is, as a test of how touched they are with the world? Who hosts Good Morning Britain wouldn't have been a bad question to ask? Yeah, good. I suppose he lives in Los Angeles, does he?

Oh, yeah, probably. Oh, I don't know. He got into trouble again, Morgana, with... He had someone on his show, it was to do with... It was a female receptionist, and she'd worked at a sort a city law firm, I think. And she'd been sacked for not wanting to wear heels. Was it lipstick as well? It was just heels. I think I remember this story happening.

Her name was Nicola Thorpe or something. And he was suggesting in his interview with her that perhaps female receptionists should wear heels. And he said lipstick because he felt that was part of your job description. Part of the gig. Yeah. And he said, well, maybe they don't want you in flats showing visitors around. Yeah.

No, that's what estate agents do. I think on that one, he's on thinner ice. That might shake you around. Yes, agreed. For a start off, is it just me? But start-off, is it just me? But I have said, is it just me, which is what average comedians say when they're going to do something.

Yeah, yeah. But anyway. Wow. Sorry, any comedians listening out there, that's part of their set. No, because I think that doesn't mean me. They're always sitting down, receptionists. Yeah.

The idea is they get up and lead you somewhere. They're always sitting down, receptionists. They don't... Yeah. The idea is they get up and lead you somewhere. See, I never get taken anywhere. I see a receptionist and he or she will say, yes, seventh floor. Oh, really? You're on your own, mate. They don't walk you towards a lift or something. The argument, generally, is, is it the same for men,

I think, as a rule, with feminism? I think the problem with the receptionist thing is that if you had a male receptionist, which we often do down here, nine times out of ten at Absolute Radio, if you wouldn't make them wear heels, why should the ladies? Good point. Thank you. Good night.

Well, I mean, men and women do dress differently. I mean, I know that's a bit of a controversial statement. Whoa. I don't know, it's, I think that... Shock jock. Well, not these days. Some of your friends in the comedy industry would argue against that what friends in the comedy industry i uh i went to a very posh restaurant once and there was a as always in these places there's a

fabulously attractive woman said um follow me and i could not follow i could not follow her. I could not follow her. She had heels and tight skirt and looked amazing. The works. I could not follow her without walking like Groucho Marx and smoking an imaginary cigar. It was impossible to do. She was too attractive to take seriously. Which is one of the joys of ageing.

God, I wish someone would say that to me. It's true. I worked with a very attractive woman and there was a clip of her. to me. Yeah. It's true. I worked with a very attractive woman, and there was a clip of her. Thank you. Yes. This is another one. On the art show I do on Sky Arts,

80 o'clock Tuesday nights. Don't make well. And it's Kate. And there's a picture of her with sunshine shining through her hair. She's got like a denim shirt, and she just walks into this thing. And when I saw it, I burst out laughing.

Now, maybe 20 years ago, I'd have said, wow, but now it's all... It's so far in my rearview mirror. Oh. I just laugh maniacally at it. Nick's story has tweeted us to say, Afor Yigor was Bell's. We had one of those massive bottles full of change in our living room in the late 80s.

I said Bell's. You did. And you, uh, shut me down. Thanks, Nick's story. What? What's, what's the story? What? What are you talking about?

We just said a four-year-go. Did you miss that bit? A four-year-go? Yes. Yeah. Bell's Whiskey. Where have you been? I missed that bit.

I don't understand the Before You Go. So what's happened to you? Oh, he's always, half his mind's on the mat. Okay, so the slogan for Bell's Whiskey was Before You Go. Yeah? Right. In other words, you know, before you go, have one of these. Okay, and you've just asked what that slogan was for.

No! Did you miss the discussion? Did you not hear any of that? I heard that last bit, but I don't know where it came from. So you didn't hear the proceeding in two to three minutes? How can we expect the general... I heard the proceeding in two to three minutes, but I didn't feel like it mentioned the before you go bit. Well, I mean, we can play it back. Have you got rewind on this?

Yeah, maybe we should do that. Listen to the podcast. Listen to the podcast, love. Download it. I mean, I was listening to you guys. We were talking about Piers Morgan. Oh, thanks for listening to us guys on the show, I was listening to you guys. We were talking about Piers Morgan. Oh, thanks for listening to us guys on the show. He was listening to us guys. I'm very vexed. I'm really confuddled now.

Look, I'm going to set you a comprehension. Okay, that's fine. How can I expect the public to listen to 45 hours of this show if you can't listen to a three minute link? Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must

be some mistake. I was just thinking, I've been out with three receptionists. Have you? In my life. Wow. Something very appealing about receptionists. Trying to connect you. That's not sexist.

No. No, I think it's... Could be male or female. I think two of them were female and one male. Frank's receptionist exes. I'm sorry they were all female. That John Hurt programme didn't change my mind that much. But I think it's because any woman whose general manner is welcoming. Oh, yeah. You know, it's because any woman whose general manner is welcoming. Oh, yeah.

It's, you know, it's lovely. Yeah. Well, also, were you guilty a bit of the Pac-Man syndrome, as I believe you call it? Yeah, I was. I mean, you know, I should have at least gone and have a look who was upstairs. Yeah. In the building. Frank has a great observation, which is Pac-Man syndrome, which is if they're in front of you.

Oh, yeah. Yes. I say they. Again, that's not sexist. Again, this is why. We can't is if they're in front of you oh yeah yes i say they again that's not sexist again this is why oh we can't get bogged down we could carry on like this forever we could get bob down on this he could give me that angle in a safari suit what do you want i once i once went into a reception and just tucked under the desk where the woman was sitting with that i could see an open book and it was Friedrich Nietzsche's

Also Sprach Zarathustra. Now that was sexy. Absolute radio everyone. I would say that's sexier than high heels and lipstick. I thought wow wee what a gal. Frank in other news Darren Begary has been in touch. He says I'm with the Cochran. Firstly I'm

with the Cochran. I'm what? I've no idea what you two are on about. Excellent! Listen to this. Hashtag bullying. Oh, nice one. Finally. It's all gone celebrity, big brother. Bullying in the workplace. Allow me not to take your POV

seriously when you say I'm with the Cochran. Obviously such a fan, you don't even know his moniker is Cockrell. Thank you. He might be trying to treat me with the dignity I deserve by using my real name. Can I say thanks for contacting us? Leave him with it.

It is a point, then, on the whole political correctness front, okay, I'd like your opinion on this. Have you ever watched Miss World in recent times? I can't say I have. It's not my kind of thing. I think last time I watched it, everyone in the front room

was smoking. Okay. That gives you an idea when that was. Well, me and Kat still like to watch it. And it's on, you know, it's on a satellite channel. But still, like, it's a weird and wonderful thing.

Donald Trump was the person behind it, wasn't he? Miss Universe. It's very much Julia Morley. It has been forever. Is it still the Morley family? Yes, he died, Eric. But Julia, who looks about 35, is still

going strong. But we were watching it recently, and I think political correctness has... Gone mad? It's torn it to pieces. I can imagine. Yeah, but what they should have done is just stopped doing it. Right. Yes, I agree.

I agree they should have stopped doing it. But it's always... The judges are always the sort of people that, you know, you see with Bianca Jagger in pictures, those sort of... You know those posh people who just think, oh, God, I wouldn't want to be rich if I had to be like that. And their big push is a thing called beauty with purpose. Oh, yeah. Right.

Where all the women... They go into good causes, you know, but good causes sometimes. So you get an absolutely stunning six-foot woman in a poverty stricken village walking along with a bunch of children. I think she's wearing Andre the Giant. I think she's wearing flat shoes. And that and a six foot woman.

That's replaced the swimsuits. I mean. Is this progress? They are trying so hard to be politically I mean they had Bruce Forsythe's wife asking... Well, Nadia. ..asking one of the women, how could you make the world a better place?

I mean, it's a big question. She replied by cancelling this show in future. She said you could imply Claudia Winkleman. Oh, yeah. Didn't go down very well. I said to Kath, I said, to me, this show now is a wolf whistle in sheep's clothing. Oh, lovely. How did it go?

She didn't get it, but I lay in bed just running it over in my mind. What a lovely turn of phrase. But it was, I just stopped doing it. Don't do a version of it that's... Yeah. I'm not sure about this link. How did it go? Why? Is it going to be ballet link? Is it going to be the Miss World link?

I think it is the Miss World link. Can I just say my understanding of this link has been up there with my understanding of the best of them. The last link, I really struggled to keep down. Well, I can't join in, because then I'll be in trouble like Susanna Reid. No, but at least I was listening this time. I was really paying attention. I knew I'd have to throw in something to do with women in swimsuits to get attention.

I probably pulled my socks off. If you want to get the attention of the Cochrane, that's the way to go. I'll remember that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yes, my manager and another of my colleagues from Avalon, which is my management company... Strange plug. ..arrived with a present.

Yes, if there's any young comics, they're looking for good management. I mean, you'll have to pay for it, but you'll get the best. I think that sums it up. I mean, you'll have to pay for it, but you'll get the best. I think that sums it up. So they just brought in a large framed picture of all 13 of the doctors with lots of signatures and personal messages from the... I actually feel a bit slightly emotional Frank actually was heard to shout

you got Eccleston my new catchphrase, you got Eccleston unbelievable that's quite a present that is absolutely fantastic, I honestly feel emotional about it, it's a beautiful thing

you see for your manager it was worth the 30 years of Hurt. I think it was actually 77 years of Hurt. Oh, okay. No, that was John Hurt. John Hurt didn't sign it. He said yes, I should say,

but it was too ill, which gives it a slight poignancy. But you know what? It's absolutely fantastic. thank you so much frank skinner on absolute radio what a day it's been you know i remember when my partner had had the baby and she said the following week god i miss being pregnant You're so the centre of attention. Yeah. That's what it's going to be like when the birthday goes. Man, am I going to miss it.

I mean, three or four years, I won't even remember it. Well, the good thing is it's going to go on all weekend. No, that's true. On Absolute Radio 90s. Thank you. Yes. Absolute Radio Frank, if you don't mind. Excuse me.

Oh, that's right, yeah. Brackets, Emily and Alan, I like to think. Are we, um, are we headed to a nail corner? Would you like that? No, I'm just, I'm just gushing. That's fine. He's been thrown by that. I've seen three doctors, they can do nothing. So, um, yes, what, how long have we got?

You've seen more than three doctors. It's the least professional thing I. Thirteen today, Frank. It's the least professional thing I've ever... Yes, exactly. I like this new introduction of how long have we got during links. There isn't enough of that, I don't think. I mean, I think people like to see the scaffolding behind any show. You reckon?

Is there enough distance between us and the Miss World link to discuss it? I think so. How did we fill that one? The Miss World link? Yeah. I think it was a valuable point. It was just not very well made. A bit like the Miss World contest.

OK. That was paying real attention, me. They should do it with married women, like Mrs World. That would just be interesting. Mrs World. You could call it... What about if they called it Old Mar World? And the thing about

Mrs World is that they'd have that sort of unattainable sort of, oh, X Factor. That's very decent of you to say that. Cougar World. I'd be very happy with Grandma World. Oh, you are disgusting. That's my catchmentary. Absolutely disgusting. What's disgusting

about that? That's disgusting to say it's disgusting. No, I'm not saying the women are disgusting. That's my catchmentary. Absolutely disgusting. What's disgusting about that? That's disgusting to say it's disgusting. No, I'm not saying the women are disgusting. We've got urges as well, you know. I just say that, not strictly true. No. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's a sort of a birthday party this morning. I'm sorry if that's annoying. Not much sort of.

It's a lot. How do you think your party's going? Well, I've just had another just opened another gift which is from Noggy, who's a regular correspondent on the show. There was two pounds, two whole pound notes in the card for a start off.

So what's that? Two pounds and what else was it that you got? Two pounds ten shillings I've got. Oh, typical Cochrane. And this on the same show where he said, now, I'm a millionaire. I think I can spend that two pounds, ten shillings at the shop where our Nora buys my birthday cards. Still legal tender.

He also sent me, I was talking the other week about how I love a catering top, you know, the double-breasted linens. He also sent me one of those with just sweets on it, which was my idea for a... Very thoughtful nugget. Yes, thank you so much. I shall wear it with pride.

Or at pride, I'll probably wear it as well. Yeah. With the Crocs. I was wondering... The chef's Crocs. No trousers. Just the... Well, we know...

If Top Cat worked in catering. Frank Fave is a Top Cat approach to dressing yeah I was once buying some food at the Cropperdy

festival you know the the Fairport Convention festival oh Churroperdy and the man and the man

on the selling the selling the stuff said to me alright Frank I sold you a corn on the cob at Pride selling the stuff said to me, all right, Frankie, I sold you a corn on the cob at Pride. It's just a sentence I enjoyed. I don't know why.

There is something very pleasing about it. It is, yes. I felt Pride. I also felt a slight corn on... Anyway, carry on. I think we should step away from your birthday momentarily. It's okay. Inside, I'm still glowing.

It's only for a few mins. I think we should create a section of the show called Animal Corner. Tom Baker signed it. I think we should have an animal news. Peter Capaldi did a drawing. That is very exciting. He's gone full-on Ambassador's Child now on his birthday. You're so what my daughter calls excited.

You're so excited, aren't you? I think we should have some animal news on the show uh we've had several missives this week about um about different types of animal news apparently it's been proven that dogs relax whilst listening to reggae out of various different musical genres yeah and. And reggae is it. Yeah. Which I think is all well and good, but this animal news has been superseded somewhat by news that an English village had a gorilla as a boy that grew up and drank tea, made its own bed, washed up,

ate roses and drank cider. Yes. Are you referring to John Daniel? John Daniel, the ape John Daniel. He had a full name, John Daniel. I Daniel, the ape John Daniel. He had a full name, John Daniel. I mean, there's nothing I love more than an animal with a surname. Oh, it's brilliant. I mean, it must have

avoided some confusion in case people thought of other Johns when they were discussing it. You know John? We should say details of this have emerged now. I mean, you might say, you know, it's a bit late review. Was there another gorilla called John in the village? So they had to give him a second.

Or just another bloke called John that they thought this would be confusing. Do you mean John the Plumber? No. No, John Daniel. John the Gorilla. Can we explain the story a bit? So his story has emerged now. It's a bit late review because this happened in the early 1900s, I believe. He's an Edwardian gorilla.

But his story has emerged in a new book. And it's a very sweet story. There's a historian in the village talking about it. I think it was in Utley, is it? Uley. Uley, which is not too far from where my mother-in-law lives. So the family... I think she had a gorilla living with her.

He was brought over from... I think it was in West Africa or something. And then they bought him in a department store, £300. What I liked about that, they bought him in a department store, because he was in the window. You couldn't do that anymore. It takes the first window shop into a whole new level. Gorilla and two wasps in the window.

We'll have the lot. He cost 20, well, apparently that's the equivalent of 25,000 in today's money. He cost... No, they don't come cheap. And then they took him home and they made him part of the family. He was raised as a human, as Alan says. That looked like Daisy, our ex-producer, just arriving at the front door. Imagine that.

He played with children, the children. He ate roses from the garden is one of my favorite hobbies do you think they mean real roses or okay yeah not a box of roses no we ate actual roses because i just think about you know the disc shaped toffees i imagine they'd cause a gorilla somewhere oh some problem frank he was a cider drinker as well yeah but we know they've got a sweet tooth don't we because we all remember kombucha with his ribena problem. He went wild on cordial. Oh, yeah.

Neat cordial. He found the door open, in case you don't remember about Kabuka. He was at a London zoo. He's still there, God bless him. And he's going a bit grey down the back. Still the back. Silverback? He found a door open and he drank five litres of undiluted black corn cordial. And then he went on a rampage.

So they've got a sweet... Can I tell you the best thing about John Daniels? Can I say something first before we go into that? He said that... They said he drank cider and also before he went to bed, his owner would give him... She even thought of herself as his owner, they were so close, would give him a large whiskey and soda to cure his melancholia. It's also said that local children would push him around in a wheelbarrow. I think they had to.

It was absolutely smashing. I like the Edwardian guide to depression. Give him a whiskey and soda. There's something brilliant about Mel and Carly. The best thing, actually, Frank, about John Daniel is that he was potty trained. He knew how to make a bed and to wash up, which, in fairness, is more than can be said for a lot of men I've had in my life.

I mean, he got the big three there. There's a great... In case you want to look up John Daniel, the gorilla, from Yulee, there's a great in case you want to look up um john daniel the gorilla from who there's from yuli there's a picture of him in a sort of school photo with about nine kids with him on the front row it is like if it says anything about how the world is changed it says more about health and safety you know that's can you imagine now saying what about if we put a gorilla in the school photo?

Wouldn't that be all right? On chain, nothing. And now they wear glasses to play conkers. I know, exactly. It's getting busy in this little birthday room, isn't it? It is. I see the producer who's bursting like I was going to be really surprised and I'd just seen her on the camera downstairs.

But how lovely she has turned up. Two generations of this programme. Yeah. They're all here. So that's lovely. My management. My management? She wants to sound more grand.

It's kind of a bit like an Oscar speech or something. My management! I like it when the Oscars, when the actors have to read stuff out, when they say, in the development of the moving picture industry, and that's something that your actors, you're sounding like you've never read out loud before.

What I like, Frank, is I know you have genuinely been very touched this morning, because I know you well, I know when you're touched. It's been a while. Oh, my God. And the fact that you didn't say John and Julian, you said my management. Yes.

Yes, that's true. Well, I mean, I'm just trying to group them together. They have instinctively sat shoulder to shoulder over there, like the management. Oh, yes. Where are they now, the greats? They were in Doctor Who. Were they?

Helen Pace? Yeah. Were they? They were. Very weird thing. They were cast in two roles, and then they decided that they preferred each other's roles, so they asked if they could be swapped round.

Like when Ant and Dec swapped round, when they went to the palace. Dec and Ant. Did you see that? Yes. Because they got given them in the wrong order. Charlie did it in the wrong order, not the producer, Charlie,

although that phrase has been used before, I'm sure. Did they have to kneel, or were they sufficiently short? I don't know the details. No, I think they must have to kneel. Surely it's an etiquette thing. Anyway, can we get back to John Daniel, the ape? Yes. Well, 369 has texted in.

This is a gorilla and apities, isn't it? I think it is. 369 has texted in... This is a gorilla and ape, isn't it? I think it is. 369 has texted in... My manager is nodding, can I say, because he did genetics at Cambridge. He did! Did he? I forget that. Oh, God, he knows a gorilla's an ape. I love his science background. At the other end of the knowledge scale,

my four-and-a-half-year-old son went to London Zoo recently, and I said, what was the favourite animal you saw? And said the Meringatans which I really like the idea of that's a good band my dogs are called Ruby Jean Cospard and George Malcolm Cospard from 369

oh surname animals not even surname those ones have got middle names one of my favourite was in True Grit the John Wayne film, his cat is called General Sterling Price. Excellent. And you and David Baddiel, of course,

had the cat called... Chairman Meow. Yes. Very good. Now, if we get back to John Daniel, the gorilla. Yes. One of my favourite facts about him was that he was something of a shoeaholic.

Was he? Yes. It said he used to watch the village cobbler making shoes that was one of his maybe to the wild used to watch people watch fires he used to stare at fire and stare at fires and eat more onions and sing songs with no tune it's actually not easy although i did sing uh shake it off this morning which the tune was intermittent oh was it well john daniel Daniel the Gorilla, his hobby, if a gorilla can have a hobby, was...

Well, they can. I've seen it at the zoo. Was he liked watching the cobbler making shoes? I couldn't say that, though. Yeah, it's very watchable. Well, he's a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw. He had Instagram posts saying, Life's short, buy the shoes. I mean, he sounds like he was just generally part of the community.

He just wandered around the village. No chains or anything. Apparently he ended up going to VIP dinner parties, which I don't like the sound of VIP dinner parties. I don't know if you need to worry about it. I had a griller. I had a griller and I'm there. That sounds great. He got big for

his boots though. Did he have boots as well I suppose? Ironic. Well he did say life's short by the shoes. Girlfriend I believe he said at one point. Okay. Need coffee? Yeah he had to go didn't he? They got rid of him. He went from, it says in the paper, a manageable 32-pound infant to a 210-pound gorilla. We've all seen that happen, I suppose. I like the fact that even in the 90s... I should do, I married her! Even in the 1920s, there was a little bit of shame attached to weight gain. I think there probably is, yeah.

Are you suggesting they're body shamed, John Daniel the gorilla? You've got too big, you're out. I'd be an interesting companion if you don't mind the possibility of having your head ripped off. Because if they turn, I don't know if you've ever seen a gorilla turn. Well, you've had experience. Well, the gorilla. No, you had an intimate experience.

I don't say intimate experience. I got stared out by a chimpanzee. I think he thought I was looking at his missus. No, it's a tremendous story, though. In the end, someone pretends to be buying him for their private home and they put him in a circus. Terribly sad story. Oh, it's totes a mosh at the end.

But it's a brilliant story, I must say. I'm classing him as a friend of the show. John Daniel. Does he get the jingle? That's next year's birthday T-shirt. Shall we give him the jingle? John Daniel. Okay.

Edwardian gorilla. Hold on, I'd hear it somewhere. Just stick around. I can't. That's all right. It's your birthday. I just can't find it. I feel like...

Oh, he's the loneliest man in the world. That's not John Daniels. If only we had that with Gorilla in it. Do you know what as well, Frank? Daisy, who's been off for a while, she's looking over like, I would have found that jingle. Please, we don't want producer Rye for it. We've been talking

about John Daniel. Yeah. The Edwardian gorilla. Yeah. Who ate roses and enjoyed cider. How's that, John Daniel, the Edwardian gorilla? Yeah. I would also like to raise this morning Charles Utkins, the Russian cat.

Yes. Another surname animal. I love it. Both in the papers this week. In the papers, in the headline over the Charles Atkins story was, he made me buy fish at 5am.

And a photograph of his very distraught owner, Dimitri R. He's called Dimitri R. You know those letter surname people? I enjoy them. It's like Kafka. Yeah, it's Joseph K. yeah it's joseph k yeah

it sounds a bit i'll tell you what it does elizabeth r have you ever read the master of margarita no no do you know that it it sounds like biography actually it sounds almost like that it's it's a psychic cat who sort of controls people this this story he said he made him buy fish at 5am. He got very upset. The cat had psychic powers and he ruined his marriage. Yeah, so he mentions his cat can not only read your mind, he could actually plant thoughts into you.

I remember when me and Dave had Chairman Meow, I did, for a period, start burying my own excrement. Right. I did wonder if I'd been influenced. It's possible. Yeah. He said the cat made him crave fish and sausages at 5am. Oh, yum.

He said he reads minds. Am I okay to do a Russian accent? I think so. You can, yeah. Okay. But the worst thing, he inspires thoughts. I think that... Is that worse than reading minds?

They are impossible to resist. He made me go shopping and buy what he needed. Yeah. That's what Dimitri R. said of Charles Hopkins. It's scary. I must say. I, um... A pet that reamed your mind, I think, would be

a problem. I mean, I can tell you this is a true story. I had a staffer, Jubal Terrier, and I had to treat it for swollen anal glands. And without, if I hadn't, if it could read my mind, I mean, I so needed surprise on my side to carry out

the procedure. Yeah, there was a fair amount and I had to take my shoes off so he couldn't hear me creeping on. Oh, you did it by surprise. That's how I did it. Yeah, I start... Suddenly I... We farm out that job with our...

It's like putting on an oven glove. But... Wow. No, I was doing a good deed. Because you have to... Don't wag your bick at me. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, that was my...

I waved my boy around in case anyone at home is about to find their MP. He, you know, so Charles Hopkins was sold for £67,000. Yeah. Frank's put the fez on. Was he in the, um, was he in the front window of the local

department store? That's right, yeah. No, but he was bought by a clairvoyant who was described as very glamorous. And in my experience, there's glamorous and there's glamorous and I think she might be glamorous in a sort of Pauline Prescott way. Is that fair? Glamorous. Glamorous for a clairvoyant. Who is very glamorous. You mean glamorous- No, but she looks a bit like a psychic, is what I'm saying.

Like the old times. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yes, I can see that. Oh, Miss Steve Meg was glamorous. Eileen Drury? Yeah, she was. I don't know if she was that glamorous. Yeah, but she got inside Glenda's head, didn't she? Didn't they say that the reason that Darren Anderton was dropped,

was it Darren Anderton? Oh, yeah. That he had shoulder problems, and she sat in the chair, and she started waving her hands around his shoulders, and he said, short the chair and she started waving her hands around his shoulders and he said short back and sides please and glenn huddle felt that she wasn't being taken seriously and that turned him against it but it might it might just be talk this is frank skinner on absolute radio my personal assistant jenny has now arrived they're all here it's getting like what students finding out how many people you can get in a minicar it is i've done gigs with not this many people yeah

yeah certainly in edinburgh what about you yeah definitely i'm loving the ross abbott atmosphere yes in this studio there's a lot of love in here there's a a posse. It's the biggest the posse's ever been. Yeah. We were talking about the mind-reading moggy, Charles Utkins. I haven't heard the word moggy for a long time. I didn't know you'd started working for the sun. You haven't, no. A bit of tabloid speak. Did he have a chip body?

Sorry, I associate that with the same period. Oh, do you? Yeah. Would you say chip body now? I would say chip body now. Oh, well, you live in the north, of course. I know, but it's his big day, so laugh at with the same period. Oh, do you? Yeah. Would you say chip-butty now? I would say chip-butty now. Oh, well, you live in the north, of course. I know, but it's his big day, so laugh at his jokes and things. Yeah, OK.

Good one. I hope that continues. Most people would say, don't patronise me. I'll try that on stage. If the joke doesn't go well, just say, come 60. What do you expect? Sorry, you were talking of Charles Upkin's clairvoyant cat. The clairvoyant that bought the cat.

Do you think when she bought it, she said, oh, this will give me pause for thought? Well, I can't believe that's happened. I mean, do you know, I'm so happy that on your special day, there was a pun. I know, but I wish it hadn't been that one. There's a correction here. Frank's got gold. Frank's got gold.

No, I... Why did she need a clairvoyant cat if she's a clairvoyant? It makes me question her credentials. Oh, I know, I know. She needs assistance with seances, apparently. Oh, OK. Fair enough. Fair enough. And cats obviously make great stuff. Charles Hopkins is going to assist her.

Fair enough. You've cleared that up, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, how he'll assist her, I don't know. Well, exactly. But he's going to assist her at the seances. In fact, just so you know, it was Ray Parler. You were saying, was it Darren Anderton with Eileen Drury? Strange game of Cluedo there. No, it was Ray Parler you were saying was it Darren Anderton with Eileen Drury strange game of Cluedo there no it was Ray Parler with Eileen Drury of course it was

yes Frank you sound like one of the contestants on University Challenge on Mastermind when they go of course it was I did say I wasn't sure if it was Darren Anderton but you know when they pretend they knew it of course John yes you passed on nine things.

Oh, of course. Oh! No idea. Yeah. No idea. I once, what I do on Mastermind is if they have something like Tibetan architecture, which is not on the Celebrity Mastermind where the questions are like, what, seven, take away three. Not on the Celebrity Mastermind, where the questions are like,

what, seven take away three? But on the proper one. If they have Tibetan architecture, they say, what is the arch that's commonly found in a Tibetan temple that separates two windows? I'll say, the Marekle. And I think if you do that every time, you eventually will have guessed one correctly, and that will be a supernatural moment.

I used to do Trivial Pursuit. Whenever I played it during the 90s, every orange question just answered Terry Venables. Eight times out of ten, got it right. Really? Yes! I'm amazed that works. I won't tell you what the questions were.

Yes. You're sure you weren't being questioned by the fraud squad? Frank Skinner on the radio. As I said, my ex-producer, Daisy, arrived. That's not ex-producer. She's not producing today. Oh, this is a way to find out. Wow. Oh, hadn't you told her, John?

There are channels to be gone through. I've dealt with my management. What I meant is that she's not currently my producer. I think she's been on maternity leave. I mean, there's all sorts of laws against that. Could be an awkward brunch today. It's got like a fast track episode of The Apprentice. Well, I didn't mean that, but I should just say,

she knows me so. You know that song? He knows him so, I know him so well. She bought me a bottle of non-alcoholic wine and a jar of pork scratchings. Fantastic. I mean, I would be... I'd be happy to just go to some wise ground for the afternoon.

You'd be happier than John Daniel with a bunch of roses and some cider. Yeah. Talking of animals, there was another animal story this week. Still in Animal Corner. It's almost as if the news has been looking away from the real news, isn't it? I wonder why that would be.

I don't know about you, pal, but I'm never leaving Animal Corner. The dog. Why did I say pal? That's a bit aggressive. It's all right, mate. I think you can say that when you're in Animal Corner. Well, I've gone a bit T2, train spotting. So boffins have been doing some research, as they do.

They're busy out there, the boffins. And the boffins have discovered that dogs are huge fans of music, but specifically reggae music. Yeah, well, Alan already referred to this. It's the weirdest thing. I assumed that their favourite thing would be Gnarls Barkley. Who let the dogs out. Yeah, who let the dogs out? Yeah, who let the dogs out?

Yeah, Al. Yeah. Can I tell you, I was once on holiday. That was such a hospital pass, I'm sorry about that. I was on holiday in Venice, and outside the Doge's Palace, I sang Who Let the Doge Out? Which I was very happy with.

But better still on the plane on the way over. This is my own joke, but I'm 60, I can talk about myself in the third person now. I was on a plane, and as the pilot said, and if you look at the left-hand side, you can... No, if you look at the right-hand side, you can see Luxembourg. And I sang Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side. Which I thought was some of my greatest work.

Yeah. But I'm not surprised they like music. The reggae thing's quite strange. It is a bit odd, because reggae, I find it hard to sit still. It makes them lie down, whereas I... When I hear Pluto Shervington doing dat, I have to dance. I think we all feel that, don't we?

I don't. Do what? I'm not a reggae fan, I've got to to dance. I think we all feel that, don't we? I don't. Do what? I'm not a reggae fan, I've got to be honest. I've tried really hard. I love that. Do you know that track? I wish I could play it. I don't know if they'd like it on here.

No, I don't know. There's a bit where he's buying stuff from the market. I'll have to do the accent because it's written... What a way to go. Wow, we've lasted so long today. Bye, everyone. I'm 60, I think it just comes with the territory No you have to

because it's written in the way it's written you just can't get round it but he's talking to a man a butcher who's selling various things and he says try a tripe and he says burn me belly when I pull me pipe. And...

But then he says what I imagine is something that he might smoke. And he says, sell I upon adapting dear. And that, I mean, it's one of the best things ever. But how a dog can lie still? I have a very special dance that I only did to that song, which I won't do now. Well, I'd like a front-row seat to that. I dance with a slight West Indian accent as well, I think.

Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, apparently, so they're going to be... They think they should pipe music through into the... The way to learn a West Indian accent is to imagine eggs and a beer can. Oh, yeah. And then you say, eggs and beer can.

Right. And it comes. Just in case you're trying one at home. Yes. But you pipe the music into the kennel, Frank. Yes, I don't like the sound of that. Did you just tell one of my Doberman listen to Red Red Wine?

No. No. He's going to go, well, John Daniels, the gorilla next. I mean, it seems to be a serious study, which I kind of like the idea of it. So if you've got a dog, I mean, if you remember the backing vocals on He's a Tramp were beautiful, do you remember that? Yeah.

He's a tramp, oh, oh, oh. But hello, oh, oh. I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy. Still shot the sheriff. Yeah. Yeah, we know. It's still not allowed, is it? Yeah. Still a murderer.

Yeah. Let's be honest. I think the sheriff was a minor bird, if I remember rightly, in the thing. Oh, right. I mean, all of this linguistic nuance is lost on the canine community i suspect yes yes anyway i feel the show has ended with a whimper rather than a bang why do i care i'm exhausted i don't have three hours in me anymore now can i again seriously uh first of all, thank everyone, all of our regular readers and maybe irregular readers,

for lots and lots of cards and messages and loveliness. I very, very much appreciate it. And thank you to the people here, people who I love, who have all, I'm very happy to have with me on my birthday. And we're going to go out and get drunk and smash a few windows. That's how I should celebrate i used to say i once celebrated a birthday by destroying a bus stop with a lump of concrete those days those days i mean in you know with twitter i couldn't get away with it and i can read this from the t-shirt I've been bought today, which has this slogan across it.

Bring on the feathers. Hear the Frank Skinner Show as it happens, Saturday morning from 8 until 11, on 105.8 FM in London and the South East.