The Frank Skinner Show - Big Eggo

Episode Date: October 23, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank visited the Beano exhibition and took issue with the ingredients list of a smoothie. The team also discuss the football fan caught carrying 48 pints, Nigel Fest and adults ordering a Happy Meal.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website because we don't have our own email address just yet. But it's on the way apparently. Hot news. You'll be glad to hear about. Ooh, I'll tell you what I did this week.

I went to the Beano exhibition at Somerset House. Somerset House is in London, a large conurbation in the south east of England What are you laughing at? I just think it's quite funny The clash of beautiful architecture and comic

enjoyment There's a lot of beautiful architecture in Beano Town let me tell you I can imagine You should see Lord Snooty's Castle. Is it sort of etchings of Gnasher or sort of... There's some etchings of Gnasher, yes. Walter the Softy.

There's a sculpture of the three bears, sausage and mash stack. It's really... I mean, I have to say, I did some great dadding the other day because we went i took i took my nine-year-old boss we went to the bino exhibition he got to fire a digital catapult at major works of art firing fruit and vegetables come on that's good and um and then we went to part one of the Harry Potter play, which obviously he loved.

What to do. Yeah, then we did Forbidden Planet, then McDonald's, then part two of the Harry Potter play. I mean, come on, Dad Express. I did a good job on that, I thought. Oh, I'll tell you something else. They had the first ever copy of the Beano

Beano number one I believe it's called and the cover star in those days was an ostrich called Big Ego oh I've done a few of those yeah well exactly I've known people that you that actually pronounce the word ego as ego so I don't know if it was a pun. I mean, I'm guessing in the ostrich context, it's about laying big egos. Yeah. And I've also done that a few times. Right back at you.

Yeah. But there was some interesting research about big ego. He had a good run. He did 10 years on the cover of the Beano. And then they did some audience research. This is serious. And the audience said they struggled to identify with a bird. That's what I get on this show.

And they'd prefer a bird. That's what I get on this show. And they'd prefer a mammal that they could identify with. I read the actual report said that they preferred characters with four limbs like themselves, which is a bit... You wouldn't get away with that now. And so, as a result of this research, Big Ego got... Will you stop saying Big Ego? Like it's a normal thing.

Big Ego got sacked and Biffo the Bear, open brackets, mammal, close brackets, was introduced. So that is an interesting piece of comic reasoning. They can't identify with a bird. They need a mammal. Imagine that meeting. There's before the bear. Bears, are they mammals? Look that up, Jane, will you?

That's not normally the question, the rhetorical question that people ask about bears, but there you go. No, exactly. No. Well, I think birds do that as well. They're all I don't do. It was all very fine.

I'll tell you what, we was in McDonald's and it suddenly occurred to me, Buzz had his usual, the usual please, Geoff. He had the Happy Meal. Toy! Does he have the equivalent of a tankard behind the bar?

Yeah, exactly. That'd be great. If he had a sort of enamelled small fries container. But I was... He had a Happy Meal. Toy! And you get the choice, book or toy. And my heart went into my mouth, but no, he went toy.

But can an adult buy a Happy Meal? Would they sell me one? Oh. I think maybe they've decided that... It's one of the great questions of modern life. I think happiness they've considered that. It's one of the great questions of modern life. I think happiness they've considered to be so unusual amongst adults that there's no point marketing the happy meal at them. The morose meal, the morose snack is what,

there should be a box like that. But if anyone knows 8, 12, 15, if I asked for a happy meal for me, you know sometimes in pubs you ask, can I have the child, something from the child menu, and they'll say no if you don't have a child. There's no logic to that, surely. Can I buy a Happy Meal at 8-12-15? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

660 Frank. It says, seeing as Frank has been to the Beano exhibition it's a simple good morning to you all. Nasher off of Bedford one of our regulars Nasher we've also had some communiques haven't we Al regarding

happy meals yeah respect Amanda to Lynn who says morning I always have a happy meal with milkshake and I'm 51 years old. Oh, good news. Book or toy, Lynn? Yeah, yeah. That's what I want to know.

I think they're doing Mr Men toy and women at the moment. Are there Mr Women then? Yeah, there are Mr Women. But let's not go into that. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I think 930 has told us they will sell you a Happy Meal. I get them every now and again.

The chips are the correct size portion. I don't like that judgement there. Yeah. Because I've got bigger appetites than others. Yeah, the idea that there's a correct size portion. I don't like that judgment there. Yeah. The drivers have got bigger appetites than others. Yeah, the idea that there's a correct size portion of chips, that is, that's a bit 1984. Bit too rigid for me there. Al, what about 072, who says,

Hi, gang. Oh, gone very Beano. Yeah. Bagsby, Walter the Softie. Hi, gang. Walter the Soft very Beano. Yeah. Baxby, Walter the Softie. Hi, gang. Walter the Softie isn't a softie anymore. It was decided that that was an unfair power balance. So he's now the Lord Mayor's son.

He's become a sort of a bit of tight hair. Oh, he's gone up even more in my estimation. Do you know the Beano wrote, actually properly wrote a letter to Rhys Mogg saying, will you stop copying our, we have a copyright on Walter. That's true, they had the letter at the exhibition. Sorry, carry on. 072, hi gang, you can buy a Happy Meal, but you have to act all casual like it's not for you.

Just say, he gives us an example, just say, hi mate, two happy meals please. Say nothing more. And they'll say, nothing for you sir. Yeah, exactly. I've already eaten but my children.

I'll try it. I'm going to have one next time. I might even have apple and grape supplement packet. Oh. We'll see. All right, come. Silence has fallen on the room. He's not really going to do that, is he? Ridiculous.

McDonald's. Yeah, they're battered. Battered grapes and apple. Oh, nice. I do like to order the child's meal sometimes They're battered Battered grapes and apple Oh nice I do like to order the child's meal Sometimes Because the thing is I find the quarter pounder

Is too much I find Oh man I like it Anyway we shouldn't be plugging McDonald's Yes you're absolutely right We are not paid by Is anyone paid by McDonald's I don't know Back in the day I went into a pub We're not paid by it. No, no, we're not paid. Is anyone paid by McDonald's? I don't know. Isn't there people who work there?

I'm not sure. Back in the day, I went into a pub, went on tour, like waiting for a comedy gig, and they had those buy one meal, or buy two meals for £5.95 type thing, you know, back in the day. And I ordered them both, but asked for the second meal to come a few minutes after the first meal

and ate them both? Yeah I ate two consecutive meals in a pub in somewhere like Milton Keynes you know little snapshot into the life of a touring comedian Yeah I can't see you having an happy meal somehow

doesn't quite fit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have this in from Nigel Fern. Started watching Shane and it's excellent. And other things I never thought I'd receive in 2021

and he continues loving the sharp gags. Shane is my great failed sitcom. Well, the first series went out and I made, in case you don't, you're new to the show, we filmed, edited, dubbed, polished and finished the second series and it's never been broadcast. There you go.

And this is part of the long campaign to make that broadcast happen, isn't it? Well, I don't know. The trouble is, more or less every episode would have to end with someone's date who died since we made it, you know what I mean? And a picture of them. Picture them from Spotlight.

So, yeah, that's the thing. We've also heard from Dave Thorne, who has said, and when were you going to tell us this, Frank? And he's shared a link to a Radio Times feature, which has headlined this, Hashtag Doctor Who spin-off. Hashtag class. Was originally supposed to star...

Frank Skinner. Yes. Yeah, well, I didn't know that. I only read it this week myself. I got it on my Doctor Who alerts. About yourself? That's amazing. I know, yeah. I didn't know so there so their plan was i don't know if you remember class i spoke about it on it it was set at um the school where two of the original doctor who companions were teachers barbara and ian and um there had been an episode of Doctor Who where Peter Capaldi was a caretaker at the school

and the idea was to get another sort of caretaker figure, an older guy and then a bunch of youth. There'd be some youth in it. And yeah, I was top of the list apparently for the caretaker figure. And, yeah, I was top of the list, apparently, for the caretaker figure. And then Patrick Ness, the writer, was introduced, and he said, oh, no.

Not about me in particular, I think, to be fair, but he said, you've got to empower youth. They don't want some older authority figure, and they've got to sort things out for themselves. And so the idea. so I was so close so close to start I actually really liked it as well so you know, what can you do

and my dad was a school caretaker so I had all the research I grew up with they always make you play engineers or caretakers I wonder why that is and when my dad engineers or caretakers. I know, I wonder why that is. You know, when my dad was a caretaker,

we had so much Izal toilet paper, which he bought back from the school, and also stuff, Izal was the stuff, famously sort of shiny, spiky toilet paper that people talk about, but we had this stuff which was called Fai, the same as our assistant producer, but I think she used it as an E at the end. But it was called Fai and it was scouring powder

and it was sort of the poor man's, I don't know if you remember Vim and Ajax, or as they call it, of of course in Holland, Ajax. But Vim means energy and Ajax is obviously a warrior from Greek. It's not Hercules, is there? I would have gone for that if I was... But Faye, it's kind of pixie I think.

I would say Arfay. I'm calling her Arfay in the manner of r keith yeah as a member of the family she's the least abrasive character i've ever met yes and she doesn't scour that's certainly true no because i sent her into the building for hand sanitizer last week and she came and said no i've looked i've looked looked in the foyer and there wasn't any. Foyer. What about the rest of the building? Did you scour?

No. Ironic, really. Patrick, is this character called Patrick Ness? Patrick Ness. He said, his quote was, I remember they'd mentioned Frank Skinner as a possible idea, but I said, with the greatest respect to Frank Skinner. See, that's all right, I can handle that.

But when someone says that, you know, then the killer blow's coming. Well, with slightly less respect, Patrick, I think you've missed out. Well, I could see his point, really, that, you know, young people solving their own problems, something exciting about that. Yeah, let me know how that works out for them.

Well, one series. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I completed my tour this week. Oh, congratulations. How was it? Thanks very much. It was, I tell you, we drove me and uh omar my tour manager we drove to pool in dorset and um we listened to a 90-minute adaptation of paradise

lost on radio 4 which was a bit hard on omar but as i pointed out to him, he's a Fulham fan, and I said, I did listen to the second half of Fulham QPR when I got in the car. So fair's fair. Presumably it was 45 minutes, though. That was 45 minutes. And you might say it was easier listening. It was actually really good, the PL, I'd reckon. I don't mean the Premier League I mean the Paradise Lost

Paradise Lost yeah well I don't mean the Premier League either Ian McKellen as Milton my eyes

are tired yeah so he was in it and Simon Russell Beale oh these

are my people yeah exactly I see Ian maybe recording that with a leather waistcoat of some sort. A leather waistcoat, you think? Wow. Glasses on a lanyard, dangling. Yeah, perfect.

Where's the script, darling? Yeah, so anyway, it was good. I recommend it to you all. And I stayed at Poo Paul in the Hotel of Wine. Oh, nice. The Hotel de Vannes, they call it in France. And readers, regular readers will know I have problems with the Hotel of Wine because they don't have numbers, the rooms.

They are named after wine. And also, I don't like their slogan. Money doesn't buy happiness unless you spend it on wine. I don't know. Oh, no. You'd dispute that, wouldn't you? Yeah, I would. Although there was a period where you drank alcohol-free wine

and that made you quite happy for a while, didn't it? Yeah, relatively happy. Obviously not as happy as when I drank real wine, but I just don't know if they should be pushing that. I suppose they are the Hotel of Wine. If you're staying there, you're asking for it. Anyway, I can never remember the name. And at last I stayed in a room at the Hotel of Wine

that I could remember the name of. And it was called crystal oh with an eye yes so much does it ring any bells crystal crystal is a one of the most uh expensive uh champagnes well i looked it up um crystal it's called's called. I believe so, Al. Is that how you say it? I think it is Cristal. Well, I'm told they're in hip-hop circles. It's called Crissy. Oh, yeah, they love it.

Bottle of Crissy, yeah. They've shortened it and sort of made it a bit more matey, haven't they? People like the notorious B.I.G. used to drink Crissy. Yeah. They should have called it Hind. Chrissy B.I.G. used to drink Chrissy yeah they should have called it Hind

yeah so it's like it's like I got the hip hop room at the hotel of wine yeah who saw them ironically the notorious B.I.G.

was drinking Chrissy in small glasses is that right oh lovely you know because it's B.I.G. small biggie small

oh I see sorry sorry yeah so so that was Because it's B-I-G, small. Biggie Smalls. Oh, I see. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, so that was the only time I've been able to remember the name of my room, which was quite exciting. Well, can I just say, you've just given away that you were rather upgraded. Was I? You were in one of the top suites.

So, what, the Chrissy Suite? No, not necessarily the Chrissy suite, but all the champagne rooms. Oh, is that right? If you get the Dom P, come on. I once stayed at a hotel divan and my room was called tap water.

Sounds alright to me. Should have been free that, shouldn't it, that room? That'd be great Pastor Quavosier That's what I remember Who was that I saw him live Any help

It's the great thing about working on music radio Look around nothing Blank faced Pastor Quavosio I was at a craft work gig once and afterwards in the app

I was talking to Ralph Hooter of craftwork and Grace Jones went past and said, bye Ralph, see you in Paris. Oh man, what a life these people lead. You've been keeping that anecdote up your sleevesies.

I mean, that's quite extraordinary cast of characters. Da da da da da da da da da da da Oh yeah, strictly extraordinary cast of characters. Oh, yeah, Strictly Tonight. Do you know I love it? I've been singing that a lot, you guys. And that theme tune,

whatever you think of Strictly, that is one of the great theme tunes of all time. The gather round for the key change. Oh, do you know what? And it's increasing levels of jeopardy. Every time it goes up. Yeah, and also the middle eight is almost... There's almost nothing because they know the main theme is so good. That's all right, we're back.

Yes. Now, the other week... You're a Dave Arch fan as well, Frank. Dave Arch, who I didn't know the name of until he was mentioned in the room off air. Dave Arch is the MD, musical director. Is he the MD? Yeah, one of the funniest things about Strictly for me

is the singers. God bless them, but they really make me laugh because everything is as if it was done by Frank Sinatra when the blokes do it.

So the other week, me and Emily were talking about this. Me and Baz, my child, are backing this guy who's a CBBC

presenter. That's how we choose our heroes on there. And he danced to Spider-Man. So you know the old classic, Spider-Man, Spider-Man. So they did it on there. Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can. Take a look overhead. Can he swing on a thread? It was all like...

And Buzz said to me, Why are they singing it like that? Which I thought was a very... You know how kids got to the heart of the matter? Hey there, there goes the Spider-Man It's a great dance, though. I'm surprised they didn't say, That the Spider-Man. It's a great dance, though. I'm surprised they didn't say, that's Spider-Man.

It's hard to enjoy the dance through my tears. I was laughing that much. Imagine if Frank Sinatra gets a cut. They want me to sing what? Spider-Man, are you crazy? Yes, that was that. In the chill of night at the scene of a crime. Great lyrics. Is he strong?

Listen, bod, he's got radioactive blood. Is that a good thing? You know when they have the famous people on, like Robbie Williams might do it on the on strictly doing the performance and they sing and someone dances in front i find that very awkward and i love the show i have to say i'm a huge fan but i think there should be a pause in proceedings because it just feels like they're it was. They're serenading the couple. I just, you don't want the dancing next to them.

It's like, do you remember they used to do things at the Miss World when a big singer would do a number with all the girls? I remember Brian Ferry dancing in and out of these beauty queens singing. You think, oh, no. Yeah, you've got to keep the two. It's all got to be separated. Compartmentalisation, that's what you want. Oh, yeah.

Bit of a tip there for the streetly guys. In the still of night, at the scene of a crime. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absol Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Remember my new jingle? Outside world, outside world Oh, the outside world So have we heard from them? Yes, do you remember, Frank, you were talking about the

Chrissy room earlier which you stayed in? Oh yes, the Chrissy room at the Hotel of Wine. Yes. 678 has got in touch. Frank, did you wear a denim samosa dungaree in your hip-hop Chrissy room? the Hotel of Wine. Yes. 678 has got in touch. Frank, did you wear a denim samosa dungaree in your hip-hop Chrissy room? Oh, can you imagine if I had?

If I had, it would have been a tribute to Kylie Minogue in her mechanic days. It may be worth explaining the samosa reference to the dungaree. I was talking about there is a method of wearing dungarees where you only do one of the shoulder straps

and that causes the bib to fall down and form a denim samosa. Yes. A sort of three-cornered denim package. It's a real talent you've got that sort of imagery I must say thank you Alan that's alright 329 has

got in touch with a reference to last week's show Morning referencing last week actually says ref last week as if referee I am a wannabe goth. Still quite mysterious so far, isn't it?

But I think we'll get there. Black is the only colour. And bonus, nothing ever clashes in your wardrobe. It continues. I need to clarify, the spiders were dead or were the shedded skins? Do you remember last week we discussed picking up a dressing gown and somebody texted and said that they'd picked up a dressing gown and there was a large number, I can't remember, but I think it was something like 150 that they said. Dead spiders. I need

to clarify, the spiders were dead or were the shedded skins and FYI, they were the Fulcus variety F-O-L-C-U-S I did a spider dissertation in my teens and that's from Celia, there's a lot in there isn't there there really is I hope that the spider dissertation includes

an mp3 of Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can well yeah well yes i remember it now she uh it was a lady saying that she took her black dressing gown out and that's how we arrived at her being a goth and she said it was covered in spiders which we were all sort of slightly horrified by but they were just dead, as if that isn't horrific enough. Yeah. How did they die on mass?

Yeah. You see, I just keep a white one for the morning, when I need to get going. Spider? No! A DG. And then a grey, fluffy one for the evening, when I'm settling down for the night.

Well, I have one of those foil post-London marathon wraps, which I took out of the wardrobe and was covered in silverfish. Which, that was a stranger. Do you still get silverfish? When I live back home in the council house in Birmingham, if you got up in the night and put the light on there'd be a great scurrying of silverfish across the floor do you know them?

they're like tiny little fish but with legs when you say do you know them you don't know silverfish there'll be people out there they look like very very tiny white bait but with legs they all sort of scurried off when the light came on Are they in the same gang as earwigs?

Oh they were much smaller than earwigs an earwig could use one as a backpack I've seen it, I haven't seen it that's a lie Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We go out an hour later on the Decade stations, as you know, which means that something that we discussed an hour ago

we now get text messages about. So we are getting some messages telling you that you can buy Happy Meals. Oh, good. I like that. 159 is telling you not often you get kids buying them. The parents buy them. So who's to say who will eat it? Which I think is a good point.

It is a good point. I mean, it could be watched. You know, CCTV's everywhere now. By the way, I remember it was Buster Rhymes that did Pasta Coir Vosier. Very good. Or was it? It was.

Steve Myers. was it? It was. They are. Steve Myers. Does he? Thanks for the tip. He has a request. Would you ever release the off-air segments of the show as a podcast? We often hear you having a chuckle when you come back from adverts or songs and would love to be able to know what you'd been

chatting about. That question to Frank Skinner. Well if I was diagnosed with a killer disease and decided upon a scorched earth policy as far as my exit was concerned yes I'd happily release all the off air conversations. What about what

I was saying this morning? Yeah I think so. I'm just going to Google legal insurance and see how much that runs to before we do that. Is there a sort of equivalent of injury liars for... Yeah. Perjury... Was it libel? Yeah.

Liable liars for you. I love a for you. Very good. Said something terrible about a celebrity for you. Very good. Said something terrible about a celebrity. Yeah. Call us. In the screen, off air. Accidentally put it on a podcast.

Yeah. Yeah, accidentally edited and put it very neatly together on a podcast with advert breaks. Call us. Oh, here's a good question. 194MandySilver has said, Yes, Frank, I often buy a happy cheeseburger meal for myself. I always say no toy, thank you.

Should I have a discount if I don't have a toy? That's an interesting point. That's exactly the sort of thinking I approve of. Toy or book, you see, get offered. She even refuses the book. Maybe she should go toy, book, brackets, discount, close brackets. Yeah, I don't, yeah. See, they would argue, I think they're not included in the price.

They are a free gift. A Brucey bonus. Yeah, I you will. Yeah, I think so. Did we, in our day, was the Hamburglar the free gift? The what? The Hamburglar. Little toy.

Are you not familiar with the Hamburglar? I don't remember the Hamburglar. Alan, are you familiar with the Hamburglar? I am, yeah, yeah. Would you care to... The Hamburglar was, I mean, it's not... It was sort of glamorising burglar, essentially. And ham.

And ham. He had the traditional thieves garb. But it was a pig, was it? Black and white sweater. And a little mask out, maybe, and some swag. I don't remember that at all. He was the mischievous... I don't remember him being a pig, though mischievous I don't remember being a pig though

no he wasn't a pig I was a Hamburglar it kind of made sense no they didn't think it through ok ok now that has

completely you know when people mention stuff and it's utterly and completely passed you by a TV show does something

and you nothing the Hamburglar doesn't even ring a tiny tiny distant bell. He was the character. He had very slender legs. This was in McDonald's, was it?

You shouldn't be a word if I'm completely honest with you. Was I? Yes. Okay. Encouraging crime there as a side in a fast food outlet. Here on Absolute Radio. So, Emily has put me right on the Hamburg. I was starting to think, because I had zero memory of it,

that maybe she'd made a mistake but no. I just passed me by as burglars. Passed me like a thief in the night. You had other stuff going on then in the 80s. I did. Simon... Was there some heavy drinking involved that you mean means that you

might have missed like whimsical advertising slogans? Unless anyone left a Hamburglar on waste ground, I probably wouldn't have seen it. Simon Grant has been in touch, and I rather like Simon Grant's, just his nod to the Hamburglar. To put it in terms Frank may understand, the Hamburglar was to Ronald McDonald as the master is to Doctor Who.

Do you understand? Oh, see, I see. So there was a sort of arch enemy for Ronald McDonald. Yeah, very Moriarty. The Hamburglar was very Moriarty. Hamburger was very Moriarty. So Emily showed me a picture of him and there were other accomplices. There was the pork embezzler

and the bacon bigamist. Well, there were others. You may laugh. But as Jamie Wood has pointed out, if you thought Hamburger was weird, what about Grimace, which was some kind of purple thing? Looks like someone's had to dress up in a purple costume for National Prune Week or something. OK. Tracy Shaw.

And more terrifying, Officer Big Mac. Oh, OK. Did he wear a Big Mac? As Jamie says, it appears to be the result of some kind of hideous genetic experiment. Oh, okay. Did he wear a Big Mac? Obviously a Big Mac. As Jamie says, it appears to be the result of some kind of hideous genetic experiment. It's a giant Big Mac head and then a police uniform. Oh, it's a McDonald's underworld that passed me by completely. And so Ronald McDonald's either imprisoned or finished them off in some

dark method I've never seen that they could do some kind of origin story that would be brilliant I think if you go right back Ronald McDonald I think his great grandad had a farm.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old McDonald had a farm. I think I know the postcode. Oh, dear. Anyway, we've talked a lot about McDonald's. We'll have Burger King on the phone. It's making me hungry.

We pay to advertise on. I don't know if they do. I don't think they do. In other news, Darlington Jack has retweeted Molly Goodfellow's tweet. She asked, do you think there's a tuck shop in the Vatican? And Darlington Jack said,

if anyone on here can answer that, it's at Frank on the radio. Oh, and maybe at Pontifex. Now, the fact that you have been tweeted with at Pontifex. Yeah, well, there's a cafe at the Vatican, but there isn't actually a talk shop. Not the sort of place where Billy Bonta, the fat fat owl of The Remove would go for jammy dodgers. Not that kind of... Do people still have talk shops?

They're not called talk shops anymore. Talk shops would be somewhere where you went for your surgery, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. That's what they should have. They should have a cosmetic surgery place called the Tock Shop. Why don't people, I don't know,

the punning title, I feel people are really missing opportunities. I'd be happy to go there. And they should all dress as Friar Tock, everyone who works there. I'm riffing, I'm riffing, have you noticed? I'm riffing. I'd like to speak to you about a hero, and I use the term advisedly, who's gone viral,

Christian Ruttgering. and I use the term advisedly who's gone viral Christian Rutgering I've probably said that not quite right who's a football fan who was spotted watching his team FC 20 Lovely Al the way you did that Did I? Did I do that alright?

20 Is that what they call them now? FC 20 20 They used to be called 20 Enchiday that alright? 20? Is that what they call them now? FC 20? 20. Because they used to be called 20 Enshaday. Because Enshaday

is the town they come from. The reason I remember that is there was a Ron Atkinson press conference I remember

when he was manager of Man United. His name makes me laugh. And he was talking about I think it was

Arnold Muren he was talking about who was a Man United player. And he was talking about, I think it was Arnold Muren he was talking about, who was a Man United player. And he said, I can't remember where he started, and I don't know how old he is either. And somebody shouted, one of the journalists said, 20-inch a day. He said, was he? God, I thought he was older than that.

He seriously thought they'd said 20 yesterday. It's a terrible, chaotic moment when nobody knew what was going on. That was back when press conferences were written by sitcom writers.

Exactly. If only they still were. But yeah, so FC20 was always called 20 inches. It's got to be the same team. Oh, see, this is why I like working with Skinner. He knows all this. But FC20, I like it.

You're going to keep saying it like that. Yeah, I like it. Because I seem to recall, and I know, Frank, you will be able to enlighten me. I think that was to Steve McLaren. Wasn't that when he went to manage a team and there was that video of him saying we were, what do you call it?

Yeah, when he became temporarily Dutch. Was it FC Twente? Apparently it's the only time he ever went Dutch. I don't know if that was... Come on, that deserves something more than that. But anyway, this bloke, Al, as you say, has become

a strange hero. He's been lauded as a hero for, and I'm not exaggerating, he carried 48 beers back to his seat in one go. Yeah, not cans we're talking. We're talking about open pints. I mean, I read an article that said he didn't spill a drop, but I don't think there's any scientific proof of that no

I don't want to be too cynical if I carried 48 beers and didn't spill a drop I'd be going back to the bar with a friend of mine in Birmingham if it was more than like half an inch from the top I remember he used to go short measure he always used to say it really loudly like I'm very intimidated.

He's quite a big bloke as well. I'll tell you what. Brilliantly, Christiane said that it wasn't even a record in his social group and mentions a friend of his who in the past has carried 50 beers in one go, which I love. Well, there's some... Are you talking about his friend,

Zhou Shen? Yes. Oh, okay, thank you. God, you've done you. Yes, you know I like to remember these characters' names, Frank. For me, this sounds like one of those... Remember, you used to get, like,

written maths questions in exams. Five crates he carried, full of 48 beers. Well, what? That's a difficult division, isn't it? Yeah. Because when you look at it,

I can't see any gaps, so it just doesn't make any sense. It would make more sense for it to be four crates with 12 beers per crates. Exactly. So one has three in it only, presumably.

Well, no, it didn't look, they look like four on the picture. And also, you need the rest of the sum. I want to know how many is in his social group. Is FC20 part of this sum? Well, yeah, and then 90 minutes as well. So you've got to, it's like how many, if how many men,

or it could be women, how many men or women, how long does it take them to drink 48 pints of beer? You know what I mean? You need some of the other figures here. If he's with 24 people, it's not so bad, is it? Easy maths, yeah. Who are the people? If he's with four people. What if he's with the

world's strongest man? Sink those in 20 seconds. Probably just with his old age pension of father. Off they go. Awful. We're discussing this morning on Absolute Radio the 48-point legend, Christian Rötergering, who supports FC Twente. And we've had a good bit of information, actually, from the outside world.

I think you'll appreciate this, because we love facts on this show, don't we? The Five has texted in the world record for the number of pints carried is by another Dutchman called Goethe De Beers. Okay. You get it? Makes sense. Goethe. No, it's a joke.

It's a joke. It's good. It's good. Fool me. I liked it. I didn't want to tee it up as a joke because I liked it. a joke oh it's a joke Gert it's good it's good fool me I liked it I didn't want to tee it up as a joke because I liked it no has it worked

I was fooled as they used to say on catchphrase it's good but it's not right look I'm just happy to see somebody

carrying something rather than dragging it behind them on wheels oh yeah what about that well that wouldn't work would it I do remember when I went to the darts rather than dragging it behind them on wheels. Oh, yeah. What about that? Well... That wouldn't work, would it? I do remember when I went to the darts at Ali Pali,

one of the greatest nights of my life. That's a good theme. You know, you sing that. You say... Do you know that? Yeah, Sarah knows it, you see. This was the time of. Do you know that? Yeah, Sarah knows it, you see. This was time of our lives. Is it that?

I've never felt... Is that what they play at the darts? No. So you've seen the thing, but anyway, when I went to the darts, I went to order two pints and they said it was a four-pint minimum. Four-pint minimum.

You weren't allowed to order less than four pints. Wow. That's great. I had to carry the four pints back that is um double tops that's brilliant um so what i'm saying is maybe this character who knows maybe fc20 had a some sort of pintage minimum. Right, like 46 pints minimum. And he thought, well, I might as well get around 40. A couple of extra for spillage. Exactly. But he didn't spill a drop, let's not forget. I think this is why a lot of football fans have switched to Class A drugs, isn't it?

It's just the transportation of problems. That's what a policeman was actually telling me that as a fact but not the transportation i've added that as a comic twist on it yeah i'll tell you what it did remind in the so it reminded me of like um dutch um drinking problems in general and there used to be an advert on the telly for the traditional dutch drink advoca remember that that was my favorite snowball advoca was a sort of a yellowy creamy alcoholic thing that was always the last bottle to go in when people who had wine cabinets in their homes and there used to be an advert for it which was a sort of

jolly, very happy looking Dutch man drinking Advocon and Advocon, do you remember the company that made? Was it Warnings? Yes, Warnings and he said evenings and mornings

I drink Warnings and I thought no one questioned the evenings and mornings, I drink warnings. And I thought, no one questioned the mornings element of that slogan. I thought, no wonder he's smiling, this bloke. He drinks it evenings and mornings. And even though it sounds... Mornings, please. Yeah, but mornings, yeah. Well, of course, it sounds a bit like warnings.

You think he might have picked up on that. But no, very genial. I have alcohol for breakfast is what he was saying. But of course, it sort of rhymed. He got away with it. Yeah, it's the old Pam Air strategy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We occasionally read out a correction for something that we've got wrong on the

show like that time that I called a frying pan the wrong name I think it was meant to be skillet and I called it something else anyway I'd like to read out a correction 773 has said please get your facts about football correct

in your news bulletin Leeds hosts Wolves not the other way round as I'm on my way to Ellen Road and then about 9 exclamation marks there was a mistake on the news I can exclusively hey we're all fallible guys

of course I can I would like to confirm 773 if the Pope's listening not you obviously Is that right? Not you at points of fact

I can confirm 773 You are absolutely right Leeds do host walls What about if people have listened to our news bulletin And they're heading off to Molineux For the Leeds game Driving like, you know, what is it? About 100 miles?

I know this because I'm riskily playing Rafinha today, so there you go. In my FPL. Still winning, Frank. Thank you. Yes, Emily is top of the league in her fantasy football thing. Comedians FPL. Yeah. Russell Howard's chasing me.

I'd keep that to yourself. I think that's one for our off-air podcast. It's not the type. Not rough. It's a libel podcast. Can I ask you a question about the 48 pints man? Oh, yeah. I used to go to a lot of baseball in the United States of America.

I've actually flown over there, watched four consecutive days of baseball at the New York Mets, who then played at Shea Stadium, and then flown back. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, when you go to a baseball game in America, you're not off to the bar and off to the refreshments.

They just walk up. There's people with trays of beers. There's people with Cracker Jack, popcorn, hot dogs walking up and down. And it's a brilliant thing. If you want to, let's say, some Cracker Jack, which is like, you know, toffee with nuts in, you go, here, mate yeah and then you pass your money right along the row they give it to the guy and the cracker jack and the change is passed by you know 10 12 people and comes back to you it's almost as if they make it easy for people to

eat a lot in america yes but you do end up having a lot more because you think well i don't want to miss the game or i don't want to queue up. Then you think, I'm not really hungry, but here's the cracker jack guy right next to me. Do you know, I've never come back from America and been able to successfully do up the button on my travels. No, I can understand that. But is it because, the reason we don't do it here,

is it because the UK authorities think that people wouldn't be trusted to pass the money along and the change back? Or the beer, possibly. Yeah, exactly. You just hand over your money and that would... Some people might have a cheeky sip. Oh, that would be the end of it.

You hand over the money and then it's just gone. And if you say anything, it's like a big bloke staring at you and you have to just take it. Well, that's the thing. I mean, it depends on the fans as well. You wouldn't want to risk that, you know, no more. Speaking of drinks, Faye, our assistant producer, was just off out.

So she went to, where is it she goes? Whole Foods. And I said, get me a smoothie. And I said, she said, what kind do you want? And I said, well, something like, you know, bananery mango. I don't want too much citrus this early in the morning. And fair enough, she came back with a thing

that's called Pure Happiness. Oh, lovely. Not for me, thank you. Okay. Alan, that. Not for me, thank you. Okay. Alan, that's your absolute nightmare. Made by a company called Grassroots. Okay. I'm going to make this a cliffhanger

because we've got the face off. I just want to tell you about... Cliffhanger. If this is pure happiness, well, you can keep it. So I was talking about the grassroots companies drink pure happiness. Oh, yeah. So it's arrived, pure happiness. And I had a, you know, I love a quiz.

and I had a, you know I love a quiz. So I held up the bottle to Emily and said, what flavour do you think this drink is? And she said, what is it, carrot? And I said, no, it isn't carrot. But I know why you guessed carrot, because of its profound orangeness. However, it's strawberry, banana and mango. What, she said?

What? So I had a little look at the ingredients of the Pure Happiness strawberry, banana, mango flavour drink. And? OK, here we go with the ingredients. Here we go. Orange juice. Orange juice,

67%. Hold hard. So, why is it even called strawberry, banana, mango? No mention

of orange juice. It's like when they, you know when they used to get people to, like do the voice for, for Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. It's like that, orange juice.

What if I was allergic to orange juice and I'm buying a drink which is strawberry, banana, mango, and then I get back 67% orange juice. It's too early for citrus anyway.

I read on. Strawberry 11%. Oh, well thanks for turning up, strawberry. I mean, when you say I read on, don't make it sound like it's Paradise Re-day. And then, well, it's pure happiness.

Banana mango listed but with no percentage. That's how they've just, I mean, it's just pasta, banana and a mango outside of Greengrocers. And then it says may contain nuts and celery. I can see how you might drop nuts into some of it. How does that accidentally arrive I hate celery it's one of the worst foods on the planet celery

as you know is like eating a violin do you know what I often think of that that person called you a bit of a git and I don't know what they were talking about well look strawberry banana mango if I said't know what they were talking about. Well, look. Strawberry, banana, mango. If I said to you, what is the

67% presence? I think you'd have guessed it was one of them. They'd be in your first three guesses. Orange juice dominates the affair. Well, I mean, that to me is I mean, I'm fine. You know, I can handle

orange juice, but it's not what I wanted. I'd have asked for orange. I'm not blaming Fay. I think this whole link has been like a civic duty. It's like a public service announcement that you're doing here. It's almost like watching Watchdog or something. I think this whole link's been a bit of an emotional meltdown.

I think grassroots need to pull their socks off. That's the op shot of all this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I should say, before we go any further on the show, newsflash newsflash newsflash,

Emily Dean in her fantasy football league, it's now been established that across Newsflash, Emily Dean in the Fantasy Football League. It's now been established that across the nation of all the fantasy football leagues, she is in the top 2% of the fantasy football... Rankings. Rankings, yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. She's uptown, top ranking. With Alfie and Donna. There you go. I would sing it, but it's impossible to sing it without doing the West Indian accent. I know, but I'm worried now, you see. This is, you know, pride comes before a Marky Smith and all that.

Yes, well, you know, enjoy it while you can. I think that's always good. It's like, you know, you might be like, remember when Hull City seemed to be winning every week for the first half of the season and then dropped like a mighty stone? Still stayed up there. Just don't tilt your team on the pitch.

Okay. This is my, you know what, I'll enjoy my five minutes. Yeah, and as to say say it will be five minutes, but don't hold back and wait. You know, there's that thing that used to go around the internet about a bloke's wife was hit by a lorry or something and destroyed, and then he finds some stuff that she's been keeping for best. And the moral of this story is always keep the receipt.

Wow. Yeah. Can we please, thank you for honouring me, Frank. Can we please discuss the Nigel Fest? I love this news. There was a pub landlord, white wine for the lady, was it fruit-based drink for the lady?

Yeah. Yeah, well, maybe she'd like to try pure happiness. That's the worst chat-up line I've ever heard. A pub landlord called Nigel Smith, he's been very concerned that the UK is set to become a Nigel-free zone. The name is facing extinction as there were no nigels born in 2016 or 2020 well there are no nigels born presumably no in those intervening years

2017 through 19 there were some nigels born i don't think anyone is born, are they, with a name. Don't they have to be registered at some point? Oh, but you know what I mean. Come on, you're being very good. I'm being picky. Pickypedia, that's what they call me. You're treating me like that ingredients list, frankly. I'm sorry.

Didn't I tell you that when we registered Boz, you have to go and officially give the name across? So Boz Cody, his name is officially give the name across so Boz Cody his name is and we told her that and then we started chatting to the registrar and she said yeah we get a lot of people you know coming who say yeah we want to call her I don't know Roseanne

and I say oh you're spelling that and they go oh I don't know and she said we are not allowed to tell them a spelling. So they have to. She said, so a lot of people misspell the names and we're not allowed to correct them because we're not allowed input on the name.

Oh. Just saying. OK. That seems like a strange rule, doesn't it? It does. They can't just intervene and say, you've spelled that wrong I believe that's why Jackie Buddy, if you remember her She was J-A-C-K-I-E-Y

For that reason, I believe Oh, okay, yeah You see a lot, I mean, it doesn't really matter, I suppose But there'll be no regularised spelling Unless the registrars step in, eventually Anyway, this is not a... Nigel, this Nigel, who runs the fleece

in, not somewhere you'd want to go, Al, in Worcestershire. No, sounds too expensive. Although I do have a fleece, so maybe I would be welcome there. He's offering a free pint to anyone who shows up with the ID proving they're a Nigel.

He wants to, 2019 I think he got 432 Nigels together. He's now aiming for 1,000 Nigels in the fleece. If Nigella Lawson turned up, would he give her, I bet he'd give her the drink, wouldn't he? Because she's Nigella Lawson, I guess. It's one way of putting it. Yeah. She won't turn up, let's face it.

Part of the reason he's so passionate, guys, is because he says he was born at the... Well, as he described it, he said, I was born in 1963. There were 5,000 Nigels born. It was peak Nigel. Wow, 5,000 Nigels. That is...

That'd be a wonderful name for an opera. Hold on, let me write that in my opera ideas book. Oh, yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just in the midst of the nigels what about uh outside world outside world the outside world my second favorite jingle we've got some silverfish news in from for example oh yes i was talking about when when i used to get up in the morning

and put the light on there would be the the um frantic movement of silverfish which are tiny insects um all scattering back into the skirting board 868 yes i can confirm frank the white bait with legs also known as silverfish still exist the workshop where i work is riddled with them you usually riddled it's never good no you don't be riddled that's what i said to rod um you usually spot them when you open or move cardboard boxes as i believe they feed on the cellulose in the cardboard they do not take that back wow i tell the interesting thing about silverfish is the person who named them yes they do look a bit like little fish certainly but if i was going to name them i'd take the fish element and then i would have an added bit that showed that they moved on on ground that they had legs and that's what different right differentiated them from normal fish silver fish is not that

helpful in saying what's distinctive about them in the fish category land fish would have been good yeah land fish would work silver fish sounds a bit too much like they could be in the same tank as goldfish exactly exactly they've got no business in that tank get out very poor and nobody talks about bronze fish they don't even get a mention there might be bronze fish out there i mean you're still meddled yeah as they say exactly we've seen we've had an also on the silverfish front very popular today the silverfish 874 are the silverfish, are they extinct? I can't have seen one for nearly 40 years. Now it's more likely to refer to a hipster coffee shop or a financial trading app.

Is it? I did not know that. There you go. I think they're just using those names. Yes. That's the sort of thing that people call stuff, isn't it? What about if this person lives in a bako foil lined house and there's loads of silver fish they're just they cannot be detected what what is silver fish attracted to is it silver no i don't know what they what did that woman say they they come out for

the cellular collagen in the cardboard on a cellular cellulose. Collagen in the cardboard. Collagen? I don't know what collagen is. Oh, collagen a bit. Wake up and what about all those glamour models? Wake up and their lips are utterly encrusted in silverfish. What a terrible image. Don't those women go through enough

and they've got to go and empty their own bins in their underwear? I feel for them. I was looking at the list of popular names. Oh, yeah. I mean, Nigel Smith is right. The Nigels have dropped right out. I tell you what was surprised is the similarity of the male-female, that number one in both charts, one is Oliver and one's Olivia.

Yeah. How would you explain that? That's a big coincidence, isn't it? It is, isn't it? I thought of you when I read it because it says in the article that Lucifer is risen. Yes. I mean in more ways than one.

There's more Lucifers than there used to be. 15! There's 15! 15 Lucifers last year and only three Jesuses. I think we can see the trend. I'm not even counting Catherine Jenkins. No. I'm not even counting Catherine Jenkins. No.

It was, you know, the agents of Lucifer on Earth. Are there 15 Lucifers? Yeah. Do you think the Olivier thing comes from the popularity of pizzas? Olivier, not Solari. People just looked at their pizzas and thought, what can I have? Because Carrizo is not bad.

Actually, anchovy for a girl. Yeah. Because she could call her Anne if she didn't like it. I quite like it. Imagine someone with a single... Anchovy Dean would be quite a nice... No, I'd just call myself Anchovy. Yeah, that'd be good.

My name, it's Anchovy. Oh, that's... And then, you know what I'd say it would be my little sign off it would be my thing I'd say as in the pizza that's what I'd say

that'd be great and you could get silverfish for merchandise and that'd be moving merchandise it'd really take off I was talking about

this exact subject to my friend Artie Chuck just this week. I think what does surprise me, that still in 2021, the royal names are a big... There's an Archies and Harrys and Georges, all right. Can you believe that that still influences people now? Yeah, it really does.

Not so many Camillas, it seems. No. Well, if we'd have had a girl, we were going to call Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother. That's nice. I like it. Do you know? Long though, isn't it? It is a bit long.

I think it didn't crop up in the end. We had a boy, so it was fine. Can I? There were 15 Lucifers. I think there are a few Judases as well. Wow. Do you think the 15 Lucifers are a direct response

to Radio 4's adaptation of Paradise Lost? They've turned it around that quickly. Imagine calling your kid lucifer though for goodness sake do you know what though i quite respect that because do you well sometimes these lucifers you know they're stealthy creatures whereas at least you know what you're getting into someone walks in hello i'm lucifer they've named it after the series frank i look forward to tv show next year how many beheels of bubs is there going to be?

Did I tell you that a mate of mine who worked for Wolverhampton Council met a bloke called Darth Vader? No. And he said to him, are you a big Star Wars fan? And he said, no, not really. And he said, oh. He said, well, is that a nickname is that nickname he said no it's my name

and they'd been um in order to publicize a um a new star wars film on beacon 303 the wolverhampton radio they had a competition and if you um change your name to darth vader you won um tickets for the the the premiere premiere whatever so he changed his name and then they contacted him after and said um we'll pay you know we'll pay for you to have it changed back and he said no no it's all right kids like it and he just kept it um Not a big Star Wars fan. That's what I love about it. Mr Vader, like Mr Rascal. Yeah, it's a strange tale. It's one of the most Wolverhampton stories I've ever heard in my life.

But there you go. So, look, we come to the end of the show. Thank you for listening to us. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.