The Frank Skinner Show - Bill Quailey

Episode Date: April 24, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank went on his first proper drive in ages and has been playing frisbee. The team also discuss the ESL, Jose Mourinho’s exit and a Reader has a poultry request.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Listen, don't text the show today because we are not live for various reasons. We're actually, anyway, you can, however, follow the show at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram or email the show via the absolute website. So we exist, but we are not part of the time vortex. Do we exist, Frank? Pardon? Do we exist, Frank? I was being like a French philosophy friend of yours

and we were smoking Goldwars in a cafe. Yeah, okay. Well, I drink, therefore I am, which is something I used to say a lot in the 80s. So, welcome. I can't actually see Alan and Emily, but it's lovely to just feel the love down the line. What are you wearing?

What am I wearing? I'm wearing... You remember someone sent us a free Louis Chessman T-shirt? Oh, it's good, that. I've got one. I've, yeah. I've bulldog clipped it into a mankini. That's not what I've bulldog clipped it into a mankini. That's not what I've done. No, but I think I've got less to cover.

It's okay as long as you don't sit on the clip. If you sit on the clip, it all springs up into a crop top. Anyway, you don't want to hear about that. I'm wearing a hoodie that I got given by a friend who used to have a sort of ski wear business and it went bust. So he gave me loads of hoodies and I love them and I feel a bit bad about the fact

that every time I wear them I'm sort of enjoying his company's demise. Well, you're not really enjoying that, are you? What's that French philosopher who said, talked about the very unique pleasure of watching a close friend fall off the roof of a house? Wow.

That's when philosophy meets slapstick. Yeah, but I think if he knows you well, he'll know that it's the free that's important rather than the fail. I'm also wearing a free top, so that's all of us. Wow, all three of us individually are wearing free tops. We haven't even come together to wear free tops. It's happened spontaneously. That's incredible. One of the joys of this job,

I must say, is free stuff. Perhaps it's the main joy. I haven't decided yet. What I need is a league table of joy relating to this job. And whatever it was at the top, obviously, it would be the love and attention of the audience, mainly the camaraderie of you two. But nevertheless, free stuff would be right up there in the in the top section. I must say this week alone, I've had a book from a guy called Mark Morris called The Anglo-Saxons. And you think, well, that's the perfect gift for Frank, but it arrived in the same post

as a book called Excavate, which was about the fall. What about that for a combo of three bits? Wow. Oh, man, it's covering all my aspects. Which is more than I can say for my man Keeney. Was Mark Morris, was he Return of the Mac?

Yeah, I don't think it's him I don't like to pigeonhole anyone but I just can't see him writing a big book on the Anglo-Saxons but you know people probably couldn't imagine me writing a prayer book. Let's face it. Yeah. That's quieting people down a bit. Whenever you mention the prayer book, it all gets a bit awkward. People think, oh, I don't know. I don't really want to talk about the prayer book. It's

a bit weird. When Graham Norton, he says, oh, you've got a prayer book out. Anyway, next week, we moved on to something else. I mean, I felt for him. Well, I loved the prayer book. I've told you this. I know, that was lovely of you. Even I'm awkward talking about it. It's a prayer book, for goodness sake. How did that happen? I used to be the dirty mouth comic.

I still am in many ways. Anyway, we're not here to talk about contradictions of personality. Prayer books. Prayer books. We're here to talk about prayer. No, we're not here to talk about contradictions of personality. Prayer books. Prayer books. We're here to talk about prayer. No, we're not, no. I am on Good Morning Sunday, on Sunday morning. I'm talking to Jason Muhammad about prayer books,

if you want to tune in and listen to me. Oh, I will do. I've never seen that show, but I will. No, it's a radio show. That'll be why. Oh, I will do. I've never seen that show, but I will. No, it's a radio show. That'll be why. Oh, OK. I thought it was like GMB, but it had a religious theme. I thought that's what it sounded like. No, no, it's nothing like GMB. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was watching a fantastic television programme. You know, we have a sort of a TV club, us three, me, Emily and Alan, and we'll arrive every Saturday and say, oh, I saw this brilliant stuff, and then we'll off and go away. And the other two will watch it. Yeah. Have you seen the Zen Diary of Gary Shandling?

Oh, yes. Can I say, I put this forward in the TV club some while back. Well, it is absolutely fantastic. But I was watching it. If you're interested in comedy,

watch that two-part documentary. Anyway, I was watching it and I thought, God, how did he cope? This guy's so much pain and angst, even though he was doing really well, just suffering for his art, awful. And then during the commercial break,

I looked at my Doctor Who alerts and Big Finish, which is the company that make Doctor Who audio things, were announcing proudly that they'd got two nominations in this year's ARIA Awards. Now, in case you don't know, the ARIAs are like the Oscars of radio. Right. And if you don't get an ARIA nomination, you're nobody.

So I thought I'd have a look, you know, see what we got. I'm just going to go to the toilet and be sick. Oh, dear. Absolutely nothing. And so when Gary Shandling came back on, I thought, you know what? He's actually got it quite right. He's actually quite well balanced. got it quite right it's actually quite well balanced i felt oh man it's a credit to that documentary that i probably heard three or four sentences from the next hour of it i wasn't just

thinking about the fact that we hadn't been nominated for a ARIA. You notice I'm saying we. Obviously, if we had been nominated, I'd be saying I. Well, I was going to say, Al, it was him that won Best Speech Broadcaster. Yeah? Yeah, I don't think I actually won it, did I? Oh, no, I did win that one, yes. It's been so long ago.

Oh, man. I tell you, I was looking at the nominations yes. It's been so long ago. Oh, man. And I was looking at the nominations and there's plenty of abs. Congratulations to all at Absolute. And I say that with utter sincerity. I do. This is why we only record on audio with no visuals. Oh, that's made me laugh.

Bush and Ritchie got a nomination, Jason Manford. And I thought, is it possible that they've thought, well, we got those three people nominated at Absolute, and it was like me, Jason Manford, Bush and Ritchie. But when they saw saw when they put the first two down jason manford bush and richard they thought well that's three names that must be it with absolute so you know is it just um sloppy admin a clerical error i was thinking to get my pa to phone the aria people but it's not to complain not to complain just to clear it up we don't

only how embarrassing for them on the night when they you know walk up to Jason Manford and say you look much younger yes it wouldn't be at all embarrassing for your PA to ring and say why didn't Frank Skinner get nominated I don't think I've got it but gotta be honest's absolutely, I mean, sick about it. I'm still, I'm still feeling, I can feel it a bit. It's a bit like, not when you're in the very depths of flu, but you know when you're starting to come out of flu and you still feel quite tired and a bit stiff in the bones. I really, oh man.

I mean, my first thought was, thank God, we've just signed our new contract. I thought, thank God we got that under the wire before this slapped back, because otherwise that could have been a tricky negotiation. Don't forget this week's texting. Why weren't we nominated for an ARIA award? No, don't text in.

There isn't any text. There's no texting this week because we're not live. But if they send us emails, we can sort of consider it to be long-distance correspondence and reply next week, can't we? Yeah, I'm not sure we should have that as an actual text. No, I'm not sure either, Frank. Imagine if we put that on Twitter.

Why weren't we nominated for an ARIA award? Can you imagine the depth of the bile that we would have to wallow in? That sort of bile that goes into long strands when you pull at it, that's what it would be like. I don't think they allow that stuff on Twitter, do they? Look, if we had it... No, I don't think they do. If we had texting this week, I would declare a praise amnesty and just get as much laughing as I could to try and pull me through this.

Yeah. Because I'm feeling pretty low, gotta be gotta be safe with you but again congratulations to Jason and Bush and Richie he said that four times now Frank enjoy your enjoy your evening he sounded like that man enjoy your win Jane I think it's alright to talk about you you know, if we'd been, you know when you get nominated and then someone says, oh, I got nominated, I was really shocked. I think it's alright to say, I didn't get nominated, I was really shocked. I mean, both sides of the same coin. I think you'd also have the tearful acceptance speech. What about my tears? Anyway, that's, you know, awards, they don't mean anything we know they should let one person who

wasn't nominated make their make a speech well that could be good that's a great idea I think why they're sad I think they're not nominated I think well they're sad is alright why they're bitter and twisted would be it would be worse for the evening. I think there should be European ARIA nominations where you get nominated every year absolutely guaranteed whether you've done good or badly. But, of course, someone would be upset about that.

The ARIA Super League. Anyway, let's not dwell on this slap in the face. What else then is happening, you ask me? Well, Tim, what I did do last week, I went for a long drive. I say a long drive, like a couple of hours. First time I've had a long drive, oh, God, since I don't remember, because of lockdowns and things. And you know what?

I just thought I actually like driving again. It felt great. You know, it was elbow on the sill driving. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It really felt good. I felt like I was in an American road movie,

even though I was in Gloucestershire. What kind of distance were we talking? Well, you know, I suppose I drove about 80 miles, and then obviously I drove 80 miles back. Otherwise, well, otherwise I'd still be there. I'm just going to pop off and get a Paisley shirt because I feel like James May right now. Yeah, obviously I'm suppressing the instinct to ask Frank what miles per gallon he averaged, all that sort of stuff.

Well, of course, I wouldn't know that. What I do know is you lose Absolute Radio at Oxford, certainly on my car. I mean, how do we get how do we get these texts from like New Zealand and stuff

if I can't get Absolute Radio in Oxford in the car can that be right it can't be and obviously I couldn't bear

to listen to another channel so I just listened to for about an hour and that's hard on the nervesfs frank skinner on absolute radio i was just talking about um i don't know if it's just me but i can't get absolute radio past oxford on my car um i i used to have a car aerial Has that become something that no one has anymore, a car aerial?

I mean a silver thing sticking out the back of the car. Has that gone forever? I think that's just on your vintage car now. Yes. It's good. It's a good thing. My parents would always say when it would get vandalised and snapped off. And my my parents would say, oh, the yobbos have been at the aerial. Don't get yobbos anymore.

No, I get neither yobbos nor aerials anymore. My dad always used, whenever any kind of aerial reference came up, like, you know, if we were, sometimes we'd sit reading Midsummer Night's Dream to each other in the evenings. Would you? We wouldn't. We wouldn't. I didn't question that at all. If you extend, if you extended like the radio aerial at home,

he would always tell the same story, which I never knew if it... He always said it was true, that a friend of his had leaned over to pick up a newspaper and the television aerial had gone up his nose and hadn't killed him but had left him not the man he was. And for the rest of my life, whenever I see a radio aerial extended, I always point it towards the wall. Everything in our house was pointed towards the wall

so we didn't get an aerial up our nose. How do these things live with one? That's good. A little bit of health and safety broadcasting there, I think. Yeah, there isn't enough of that. But I know they're not on cars. I used to imagine a car could drive past you, say if you were just about to pick something out of the gutter,

and it could happen, you know, not only would it go into your brain, but you'd be dragged 150 yards, say, up the road before the driver realised that the radio reception was not what it had been. Yeah. Now, don't text us today because we're not live but we've we've got stuff that's coming during the week and stuff so we can still have some contact with our with our people yes well i'd like to share something with you this is from conan in letchworth and he has sent us a missive called name my quails is it an idea for a game show no okay it's an idea for a name for his quails

i thought it was going to be a tv show where you take your quails on every week and celebrities come up with names for them. Oh, yeah. Can I ask you another question? A quail, I know they lay eggs and I've eaten quail's eggs. Of course you have. But if there was a quail in my garden, I don't know if I'd be able to recognise it and say, ooh, look at that quail.

Is it like a game bird? Yes, I always think of it in the same gang as the pheasant. Okay. They hang out together like yobbos, very unlike yobbos. To Frank, Divine Miss M and Alan, I am soon to be the owner of a quail, as in the small brown pheasant. Naturally, I was wondering about the aspects of bird ownership and I wondered what I could call the quails, should they hatch. I can think of no better people to come up with punning quail-based names than the Saturday morning crew.

Hopefully you can come up with names similar to that of David Baddiel's cat, Chairman Meow. Sorry for any misspelling. I would thrust the night's move upon Emily, like so many readers, but I am 12 and not a filthy creep. That is all. Conan Letchworth. Good stuff.

It's a pity he's not a filthy creep in that he lives in Letchworth. But life doesn't always work out perfectly for the punning. We'll come back to this, Conan. Stick around. We're in the midst of dealing with correspondence from

Conan from Letchworth who, not only did he ask us to name his quail but um interestingly he said he didn't want to make a night's move on Emily yes because he didn't want to be a filthy creep two phrases which I don't think have been used on the show for probably what three or four years yeah when he was eight he was picking that's a worry isn't it that is a worry that was the golden age of the aria nominated show that we used to run in so we're going to come up you see the fact that he's 12 i've already got an issue because my everything in my very being wants to say anthony as a name for the

quail because anthony quail was a famous actor but i doubt if conan knows anything yeah much before i was wondering how much um how much history he knows, because Quail Caesar could be quite good, couldn't it? That's a good one. Because it sounds a bit like Hail Caesar. What about Bill Qualey? Like Bill Bailey. Oh, I see. It doesn't really work that, does it?

But what I liked is that everyone was just, you were sort of hesitant rather than instantly judgmental. They were just appalled. You know what, I did it visually. OK, good. I'm glad it was done. My face was horrible. Bill Qualey, is that what you went for, yeah? Oh, don't remind me of Bill Qualey. Oh, but hold on, if it's got feathers, it could be Quill Qualey.

Well, what about, rather than it being a pun on bill bailey maybe it's a pun on bill haley bill haley bill qualey and the comet so can we get off the subject of bill qualey i think it's the worst thing i've ever done i don't think emily wants to be remembered for bill qualey honestly i feel i feel sick when we make on it week on it. Please don't talk about Bill Qualey ever again. I feel disgusted with myself. The Emily Dean time capsule, which we bury somewhere in Knightsbridge, so that it should be remembered in the future. I don't think we should put in Bill Qualey.

Please stop even saying Bill Qualey. Sorry, we won't say it again. Oh, please. We'll call it B&Q as a code name. Oh, no. Oh, will you promise me you'll not mention Bill Qualey again. Oh, please. We'll call it B&Q as a code name. Oh, no. Oh, well, you promised me you'll not mention Bill Quayley again. I'll try. You did it.

You mentioned it. Yeah. Can I ask, did Conan, a name I'm using casually, even though it's startling, did Conan say whether it's a male quail or a female quail? Lovely. Internal rhyme. You see, I come up with...

Assonance. Maybe he doesn't know what he's getting. I come up with Bill Qualley, and you even come up with assonance without realising it. Yeah, well, look... He doesn't state, Frank. Yeah. He just says...

No, he just says, the owner of a a quell the small brown pheasant I mean if we had Alex Horne he'd be able to tell us a great deal about the bird wouldn't he well he's a he's isn't he a twitcher oh is he a twitcher yeah I believe he is or he was certainly for the purposes of a book no it was a genuine lifetime, it was a genuine. I don't know if it was a lifetime. No, it was a genuine. Passion project while I've got a book deal. I'm utterly obsessed with this for the course of my Edinburgh show. His father was a bird watcher. No, I'm not saying, I find Alex to be more authentic than many in the public eyes. to be more authentic than many in the public eyes.

You probably is. So your question, Minister, you want to know whether the quail is male? Or female. I know this male or female is something of a bourgeois construct. Only in humans, I think. I don't think it is in the animal kingdom. Well, I think we should maybe go for a more neutral name you know like what about Pauline I think Pauline just feels like a great name for a quail even

if it's a male quail it's got a bit of Paul quirk and quail I like yeah so that's that there you go Conan any problems, give us a shout. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Don't text the show today because we're not actually live. We're sitting at our various tables at home, but you can follow the show at Frank

on the radio, on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website so we're still out there Just a point of pedantry, I'm actually sat cross-legged on the floor Are you really? You're going to do that for three hours yeah i'm

gonna be really crampy later wow that's uh that's something i don't think i mean the cross-legged i remember at school we had we used to have to sit cross-legged in assembly there was no no chairs in the hall and uh it was great didn't bother me at all but now to sit cross-legged i also think as well when we went do you remember we went as a sort of absolute group outing we went to see cold play at um was it the play did i think it was do you remember there was a point where he um chris martin sat on the stage cross-legged and then did that thing, which I felt for me was the best part of the show. When he stood up without using his hands, his legs still crossed.

Oh, it was extraordinary. It was like one of those, do you remember those extending like grabbers that you used to be able to pick things up from a distance. You used to pull the two legs on them and they went really amazing. It was impressive. It was miraculous. You see, I was a cross-legger in the school photo always, on account of me being so short.

Oh, is that how they work it out? And, yeah, I see that. I don't really do the cross-legged anymore i like the idea of the sort of full lotus if you know what i mean but it's it's uh it's beyond me i'm gonna do that in next week's pre-record i'm working my way up well i find just doing my toenails um is painful in the in the extreme on the hips is it? oh dear it's like grumpy old women I just do one toe

a day I can't keep it up for any longer than that how long before it's out of reach? 8, 12 feet that No, don't text the show. That would have been a good texting. We actually did have a good message from the past.

You know, sometimes we bring up things that we talked about in the past. Yeah. Now I can sit back and think I'm on my home ground. The past. I don't know if you recall a couple of weeks ago we were discussing Andy Murray who was considering becoming a golf caddy. Oh yeah. Slight side issue

I thought. And I think didn't we also have the Dalai Lama who was considering becoming a tea caddy in his next manifestation. Green tea obviously. Oh yeah. It did occur to me, it's a shame that people like Andy Murray who have successful sporting careers wouldn't think of becoming a careers advisor because at school they were largely losers weren't they? But they still have careers advisors. I think they do and and I think it is one of those jobs where it would really help if the person was a real visible winner, like Andy Murray. If he gave you careers advice, you think, oh, yeah, well, you know about stuff, don't you?

I remember my careers officer gave me a dossier on... To become a spy. Jobs in the film and TV industry. Really? Yeah, when I was like 14 or something. Really? Here you are. That's a weird, weird thing.

Yeah? Yeah, so I just sent off comedian. And I went on an apprenticeship. Funny it was that simple, eh? It was, we should, we had a book, didn't we? Someone sent us their book on stand-up comedy. And if it was just that, just some addresses. That'd be good.

I did the same. I had to ring at least two of my dad's friends Wow, what kind of a monster was that first guy? Maybe he'd already allocated some friends' daughters that day And he had some sort of a capping system You know those strict guys with the nepotism would he be nepotism? I suppose

it would be. I don't know but we never heard of him again so there you go. No I shouldn't think he was ever spoken to again the git Al I think you were in the midst of correspondence I was in the midst of a text that we had in or maybe a tweet about the Andy Murray

unexpected career change conversation that we had where we were discussing Andy Murray becoming a golf caddy and I think I brought up Dick Francis becoming a novelist after being a jockey and Stevie

at Rug 82 has messaged Frank, Emily and Alan, can't believe you missed the most unusual and unexpected career change as that Andy Murray was considering. Dion Dublin, Premier League striker, now on Holmes under the hammer. I was totally blindsided on this one. That is a big change, isn't it?

Well, I think that footballers are profoundly materialistic. footballers are profoundly materialistic and you know that sort of footballers cribs thing oh yes you know I think that they are their property it used to be a thing didn't it Andy Carroll's house I remember was a particular gold mine of nouveau riche extremity. It was great in that it was exactly what you wanted Andy Carroll's home to be. Excellent. But I like that. I like being a member of the nouveau riche myself. Being a member of the nouveau riche myself, I like misjudged excess.

Yes. When the poor get lucky, as I might put it. Yes, I think that's... Yes, Saul Campbell was big on the old property development. Oh, yes. That's right, he was. I think a lot of people say it about Robbie Fowler too, don't they? What, he's big on the property thing? Yeah.

Is there a joke in this I've missed? No, I think it's a thing that people talk about. Oh, that's a good Quayle's name, isn't it? Robbie Fowler? What, Robbie Fowler? Oh, you're on silent again. Is that another Bill Quayley? No, that was good.

No, I think that Robbie would be good because of the foul aspect. I suppose if the 12-year-old is interested in political history, he could call the quail Dan Quayle. Oh, that's good. You've nailed it. Dan, it's a nice name for a pet as well, whereas Anthony, you don't want to be calling that a three syllable thing you know i mean i don't know if you take a quail for a walk

but you know when they um when they are sort of running off i think they're quite speedy quails if i remember right yeah i think they they virtually gallop uh and if you're calling Anthony I mean with each syllable it's 10 yards further away whereas Dan yeah you've got you've got a chance there I would say oh man here's a uh here's the thing I'll tell you uh what I've been playing a lot this week yeah frisbee oh yeah now i don't know how you guys feel about frisbee i find it one of the most satisfying activities you can indulge in i think i could really catch on the only i mean the horror of it for me of course is i don't have any friends and and playing um frisbee alone is i can't think of a way of of doing it you want a boomerang yeah i'm worried i'm worried about uh a boomerang because the frisbee i bought a deliberately

soft frisbee you know because occasionally they smack you in the face, you know that? And boomerangs, of course, are originally weapons. And I don't really want to be operating with a weapon. But I'll come back in a second because honestly, I'm not kidding. It makes me so happy frisbeeing. i was talking about uh frisbeeing the glory of the hover i think that's the moment for me you know when someone frisbees to you if frisbee can be a verb and that moment where you can't quite believe it's still in the air. It's just hanging there. Oh, and then you just grab it.

I take it like you might take a plate at the beginning of a buffet. Just gently into the hand. Do you guys frisbee? Yeah, I frisbee fairly frequently. Oh, that's great. Em? Do you want to take a guess what the answer to that question might be? Anti-frisbee? Do you remember M's anti-frisbee? Lovely woman. I think she was with the old Vic in in the 40s. Do you know, I honestly don't think I've ever successfully caught a frisbee.

Oh, that makes me, that really makes me sad. I haven't finished yet. Okay. Because I generally wouldn't bother. If it was thrown in my direction, it's a long way down. You have to pick it up. It drops all the time. I've never got any

pleasure it's not nice for the nails i i don't get joy from it i'm really sorry there are some physical activities i get a tremendous amount of joy from well keep it there yeah also you know i'm biased because my my as a owner, they are a bit of a hazard. Well, you say that, but I dream of the day when I see that most iconic Frisbee moment in the flesh when a dog leaps up and catches it. I've never seen that live. That could be arranged.

Oh, I'd love to see it cover your frisbee in pate and it'll happen oh yeah that's a bit but I used to work with I used to go out with a woman who'd worked in the TV and film industry obviously been looking at my dossier and whenever there was a dog

in a film that did anything she would always say, gravy. So there'd be gravy on a chair or a gun or on someone's neck or whatever and the dog would be very eyes on the prize. Dog would go straight for the bistro, I think. I hope that's a phrase. I'm glad you're enjoying the Frisbee, though, Frank. That's nice.

Oh, man, imagine seeing a dog catch one, though. I thought I might bring you in with the dog image of a dog catching one, because you're a dog person. Wouldn't that be... They catch them in their mouths, obviously. I'm not asking you to do anything supernatural or acrobatic. Yeah, but just the idea of them checking in between the two front paws is um it would be brilliant but it would also i don't know if i'd sleep for a week if i'd seen that yeah anyway i um i don't send me a free frisbee i've got one i'm

not that's not why i'm talking about it i i honestly it Check you out, I've got one. It's a sort of a therapy thing. Oh, it's very nice. Yeah. Frisbee, guys. Frisbee, make frisbee, not war, is my motto. Does Buzz enjoy a game of frisbee? Buzz, yeah, Buzz, mainly me and my sister-in-law are very obsessed uh frisbee participants so we do it and then when buzz says oh come on can i play we go okay and then we do

because to be honest you just got to take the you got to take the standard down a notch and i think that both that hurts both of us I might have a game with Buzz then well bring the dog and we'll see what we can do and you stay in the European Super League enjoy it well I think what we can do is

skim the frisbee and then throw the dog, you know we used to see cowboys throw a whiskey bottle in the air and shoot it while it was still airborne that's that's the kind of uh pastime i'm after wow frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio i was just thinking if we were if we emily has very small dog, and if we were frisbeeing with your small, I imagine what would happen is the dog would come down on it like Silver Surfer, you know, on that thing that he stands on.

Anyway, sorry, enough, enough frisbee. My dog and I don't do frisbee. We'll watch you. My dog and I don't do frisbee. We'll watch you. I want to talk about the curious incident, not of the dog and the frisbee, but the curious incident of the European Super League. Oh, yeah, I'd like to discuss this as well. What a whirlwind 48 hours that had during its brief existence. It really was the biggest thing in football and then gone. I mean, the shenanigans. It was the sort of Loch Ness monster of football. It emerged from the

water and there was a tremendous explosion of activity and then ping gone gone for years so we should say for anyone who who missed it it was essentially over would you say yeah it was a three-day period it was sunday through to tuesday we learned that to use a football correspondence term top flight clubs from sort of england and italy and sp Spain they'd all been in these secret can I say that was my that was my doorbell if you're wondering I wasn't sound well if you want to get it might be exciting no I've asked Kat I tell you what it's someone picking up 500 stickers that I've had to autograph the poetry because they're going to be stuck in my prayer book so've had to autograph. What for? The poetry book? Because they're going to be stuck in my prayer book.

So I had to sit and sign a load of those. Is it going to say keep prayer alive? Whilst watching the terribly depressing Leicester West Brom game. It's an interesting counterpoint. So they're picking those up and taking them. I mention it in case there's anyone from the arias listening. Just to say.

This is the sort of stuff they're overlooking. Yeah, it sounds still quite current. It might be a representative from the arias saying there's been a terrible oversight. That is possible. They've turned up in person. Maybe I will get it, in case it is. Anyway, so that's what that noise was. It was my doorbell.

I apologise. But it gives it a certain authenticity and a sense of place, which I think is a good thing. You mentioned West Bromwich Albion there. I did mention West Bromwich Albion. They were not amongst the teams that tried to

create the breakaway European Super League, were they? No. My team was, though. What is now? Well, I feel soiled. I'm one of the dirty dozen, as they've now been referred to. Aren't they the dirty half dozen? No, because including the Italian and Spanish clubs,

we are collectively the dirty dozen. I wouldn't feel so bad about it. I think that for me, the highlight of the whole incident was that the Premier League were horrified by the idea of turning you back on years of tradition and forming a breakaway league for financial gain. I mean, the Premier League must have thought

that was the worst behaviour they'd ever heard in their entire lives. Goodness, no wonder they were affronted. When there was sort of growing pressure for them to all withdraw, them, see I'm saying them, normally you say we when it's your team, now it's them. And what I liked was that as the pressure was increasing and everyone got involved, Prince William put a statement on Twitter and he signed it W, which I think he may as well have just said many thanks. Yeah, exactly.

Because that's how harsh it was. Boris Johnson got involved. Everyone was putting all this pressure on them. And what I liked is who's going to go first? Well, I think it was Man City. They elected first, didn't they? They said okay we're not we're going to leave this then Chelsea we took our time it's embarrassing oh really yeah it's a pity Chelsea weren't quite so quick when the oligarchs and the oil magnets came in to state their money money is what football

is all about we're gonna have a fans cooperative okay we won't win anything we won't any good players but that's more important than money coming in from abroad from people who might not have you know the tradition of football a heart so they miss their moments those those fans frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio we were discussing the european super league i have to say when it was first announced um the uh i don't know who it was but there was a sports uh guy on the telly and he was saying this is the most selfish thing, people who just put their clubs

first and don't care about football as a whole and I thought yes that's absolutely right, although I had already started thinking hold it, so if these six are expelled does that mean there's no relegation this season?

Oh yeah, could turn out alright couldn't it? Yeah I was Six are expelled. Does that mean there's no relegation this season? Oh, yeah. Could turn out all right, couldn't it? Yeah, I was getting quite excited about it. I must admit, I was probably more pro European Super League than anyone. I also, I was talking to Jason Mohamed about this, a final score. And he was asking me about it. And I said, I was asking him if he'd ever been to a school party when the big boys from higher years are there.

And then they go off to another party. And suddenly you're the main ones. You know, you've got a bit of freedom. You've got a chance of getting a girl. You're not going to get humiliated or shoved around you can have a drink no disrespect

to your team Em but I would have loved them to have gone I like Kevin Keegan everything would have moved up I would have loved it everything would have moved up but not we'd have been like mid-table. Come on!

Yeah, every cloud. Yeah. What I find surprising, guys, is, you know, people who own football clubs seem such nice men normally. Exactly. They really do seem like model citizens. And I have to say. Go on, Frank. No, go on.

No, I must defer to my own... No, don't do that. I was just going to say that we've got, at West Brom, we've got a Chinese billionaire who's spent about £9.50 on the club since he's been here. So it doesn't necessarily work out the sort of fairy godmother approach to football. But in the past, what we've had is like local blokes who've made their money from ingots and stuff.

We had a bloke called Trev the Shed who had a big shed company and that's how he made his money. You had those nice tumble dryer people, or boilers. Well, see, I think they've come out of it very well. There was no heating engineers involved in the big breakaway. But Trev the Shed was the man who, when we had a screening of a local derby against Wolves at the ground,

and there was fighting amongst their fans, was outraged and said, if we ever do a screening again, we'll do it behind closed doors. Which is one of my favourite chairman quotes of all time. One of my favourite chairmen. Surely there were some Mao quotes you preferred to that. Yeah, but I don't know.

My Cantonese is not what it was. I'm not going to try it. Who's your favourite chairman? Mine's Sir Alan Sugar. Oh, you know what? I once had lunch with Sir Alan Sugar and he began a sentence. Sir Alan Sugar and he began a sentence I remember when I signed

Jürgen Klinsmann for Tottenham on my yacht in Monaco oh man and then he ordered the flambé I remember wow you're fired he said to the very good Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Wow Yeah you're fired he said to the Very good

Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Hello this is Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Don't text the show today Please because we're not live In the studio however you can follow the show On Twitter and Instagram

At Frank on the radio Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website, if you like. We were just discussing the European Super League. I've got to be straight, I didn't quite see why people were so upset about it. I'm glad you've said that. I felt the exact same,

because, again, it didn't seem like big news to me that football clubs might be might be motivated by self-interest and oh no exactly it's not a new thing that people will be also the idea that these clubs are going to be punished by the Premier League for for nearly leaving there was a thing where, you know, when they said, I think that the Premier League, when they pulled out the ESL, the Premier League should have said, oh, sorry, we've given your places to someone else. Sorry, lads.

Straight to top flight football. It is a bit like we went off, tried to have an affair and it didn't work out. Yeah. So now we want to come back into the family home. There is a touch of that, yeah. It's exactly what happened. I wouldn't have them back under any circumstances. I like the FA.

The FA have said that the officials from some of those six clubs are being forced to step down from some FA subcommittees. I thought, wow, that is a hell of a punishment. are being forced to step down from some FA subcommittees. I thought, wow, that is a hell of a punishment. Do you know what I found slightly alarming, guys, was the quote, it was reported that Roman Abramovich is said to be, and then it said in quotes, furious about the way, I mean, you don't want to hear that.

No. You don't want Roman being furious. What was he furious about the way I mean you don't want to hear that you don't want Roman being furious but what was he furious about? had they not told Roman Abramovich that they were going into the European I think Roman was furious about the way things had played out I think he was very much pro ESL unsurprisingly

but I think he was angry that he wasn't given a heads up that there would be such a strong reaction to it. Yeah. I didn't mind sort of, you know, people with shaven heads in the street setting fire to replica shirts. I thought that was OK. There were some very sort of people I've never really heard

mentioned football before saying, oh, this is an absolute disgrace. You know, and you just sort of thought mind your own business there was Remainers complaining about the fact that these British people were going to form some sort of European Union

which didn't recognise national barriers and was about bringing Europe together, they were absolutely outraged at that concept. Football did what politics couldn't, it united people in the same view about Europe. Why do you think as well, I've always noticed this, when people feel the need to give official statements on anything. So for example, when the Prime Minister gives a statement, I always find it a bit weird the way Keir Starmer

then has to give a statement. Like the leader of the opposition always has to give a slightly diluted statement. It's a bit performative. It's like when a parent tells a dog off and then a kid copies them and says, yes, very naughty indeed. That's what it feels like to me.

I wish Keir Starmer had said that. I wish that had been his statement. Yes, you are naughty. Naughty klumps. If he'd have done that, I could have guaranteed him my support forever to his political career. It would have been so refreshing and brilliant. One of the big complaints about the European Super League as well

is that you couldn't get relegated from it. Once you're in it, you're in it forever. Once you're in it, you're in it. People thought that was an outrage. Like the six English clubs that were going in are constantly facing relegation, and that gives them some sort of sense of being alive. I actually think it's about time someone said that relegation

is an outmoded concept, that I think the sooner football turns its back on the idea of relegation, the better. I thought we had that revolution in the 60s where kids at school were taught that you can't fail at sport as long as you're participating. We are all winners. And surely off the back of that, there shouldn't be any relegation at all. Relegation is such a negative thing. Yeah, I think we should stop relegation, preferably within the next two or three weeks. I think we've probably rounded off on the European Super League. I'd say, generally speaking, the key thing to remember is it was less of a threat to football than VAR.

Yeah. And that's what the protests in the street, people should be burning referees shirts. Yeah. What I love about VAR is that for years I have really laid into football officials at various football grounds across the country, mainly at the Hawthorns. But there's always been a little part of me that's bought into that football cliche. It's a very hard job, really. And although I've, yes, I've criticised them,

it's so difficult to judge something like an offside or a ham or whatever it is in the speed of the game and what I love about VAR is it's given an absolute slow motion they can watch the same thing 10 times and it's finally got rid of that doubt that if you make it really easy for football officials they still don't know what they're talking about. Still get it wrong. And they've got nowhere to go now. I don't know if the European Super League were going to use VAR, but if they agreed not to, I think people might have been a bit keen.

Oh, that might have got them into it. I found it a strange news story because it only lasted about three days, didn't it? But on day one, I didn't really pay much attention because I heard the phrase Super League and thought it was about rugby league. So I just ignored it. And then day two, it seemed a lot of anger. And then I finally paid it some attention. And it seems that people are annoyed because the breakaway group were all successful football teams.

because the breakaway group were all successful football teams. And I don't think people are upset just in general at the idea of sport changing and new extra kind of competitions being created. So I was thinking, let's shake football up, but not have it be sort of successful teams all competing with each other. Just find a different way of selecting them. Like maybe one year all the teams whose names end in United could play each other

in a separate like a United league so you get Man United against Sheffield United and just write down the divisions get all the United's playing and then you know maybe Leighton Orient could play some Chinese teams just mix it up.

I like your phrase. That phrase, let's shake football up, would be a great Man City slogan. I'm surprised some marketing... You can have that, mate, if you're listening from your PR desk. All the teams who have white away shorts have to play each other. Just make it a bit more randomised. Just make it random.

Yeah. I'll be honest with you, I've gone off football. I've gone off football generally. I think a lot of people have. I've been fine. Maybe it's time for a rest.

The thing is, what West Brom and Galbion did, I don't want to go on about West Brom, but you know that thing, if you've ever seen Clockwise with John Cleese, there's a bit where he says... It makes me too stressed when everything goes wrong.

I can't bear it. He said, it's not the despair that gets you, it's the hope. And we had two back-to-back victories and it just woke up that little gleam of hope. And then on Thursday night, it was utterly dashed to the ground. Still, you don't want to hear about this. This is like, I feel I've stood up at an AA meeting and Albion Anonymous, obviously, and spat that out but um oh god i'd snatch their hand off for a european super league

place now if it uh if it was offered and that would be a quite a big story if it was frank skinner on absolute radio i wanted to talk to you both about some other football news because I must say, commiserations for Buzz, Frank, because he's lost his gaffer, hasn't he? Well, my son is a Spurs fan, but he took it pretty well. And of course, I don't think Buzz ever got over Pochettino, who signed this programme, No. My best friend is you.

And so he's always, he's happy to see Poch. It's been a turbulent time since he started supporting the Black Chickens. Yes. Yes. It was great, though, wasn't it, Mourinho's exit? I love the fact that he was carrying enormous pictures of himself winning trophies. Who held the lot? It's a really massive picture of him holding up the European Cup.

What I liked was that they were those canvas photo prints. Ones without frames, ones with staples. That you see in the window of Snappies and Haps. Exactly. Again, I don't want to always come across like the motoring correspondent on the show, staples. It's in the window of Snappy's and the Haps. Exactly. Again, I don't want to always come across like the motoring correspondent on the show, but the fact that they were going in a car with a conventional boot rather than a big... How did he do that? It's a sort of Mary Poppins approach.

Yes. You'd think he'd know somebody with an estate or a Range Rover in his position. There were massive, massive pictures of him doing well. Can I? That's bad. If you're at a club where it's not happening, I don't know if I'd want those. I mean, I've taken down all the pictures of me with Arias

in our house this week. No, but you don't want to be going into the manager. The chairman's coming in. I suppose he has to go into the chairman, but a player coming in about the fact, you know know they've lost five games recently and all that and he's sitting there surrounded by all this previous glory i'd find that a bit awkward i must say yeah i have a question question was there something about the clearing out of the office that was slightly performative i always find it very performative those clearing out of the office that was slightly performative. I always find it very performative, those clearing out of the office.

It's a bit like, you know, when you see someone in those films and they get fired usually in the first or second season. And they've got the cardboard box. They've got the cardboard box and what is in it, guys? The angle poise lamp and the plant. Yeah, the yucca. Yeah. Photo of children.

And, of course, the enormous canvas of them winning the championship. That old cliche. There was three of them. Was that in Sleepless in Seattle? I'm just saying, I think he wanted, even though he was saying, I want privacy, please, they don't give me privacy. My friend Gary, he disturbed me. My friend Gary.

I think he didn't want privacy because if he wanted privacy, he could have said, oh, you know what? Could somebody arrange to just, you've got my address, haven't you? Could you courier those over? Can you box this stuff up for me? You're a witness, Frank. Have you got any paper or something I can put over these enormous pictures of me winning the Champions

League before I can, because it's a bit embarrassing being sacked and having these pictures of me doing really well I wonder if it was subliminal messaging to chairman across Europe that he's leaving with big pictures of how successful he's been

little flash frames you remember Champions League I want to know if we missed of how successful he's been. Little flash frames. You remember? You remember? Champions League. Yeah. I want to know if we missed a bit of footage where eight suitcases full of track suits with the initials JM went into the back of the car as well.

I like the old days when it was someone like Cloughy and about nine bin liners of petty cash. Oh, yeah. Everyone's been moaning about traditions being, let's get back to the old brown envelope left behind the cistern. If you want to be a traditional footballer. Obviously, these are all jokes, and none of those people actually got involved in anything of the kind.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, I have to sympathise with Jose Mourinho because I do this. If I'm doing new material at a little club somewhere and it goes badly, I do really enjoy the exit, the walk home, the idea of the broken, you know, the broken artist struggling and suffering. I love all that. I always turn my collar up even if

it's summer just to look like you know like a someone like samuel beckett leaving a late night rehearsal so i think he did a bit of self-dramatization didn't he well it was very i believe the internet referred to it as youOK, hon. It was very UOK, hon. Especially because the statement said, and this always makes me feel ill, relieved of their duties. Oh, yeah. Oh, sick burn.

Like it was a bit of a pain being the manager of Spurs. Yeah. I'll tell you what, Marina, I've been thinking about it. I'm going to just give you a break bye it's not right the Gary thing though his friend Gary

he's a broadcaster from somewhere isn't he I watched the coverage on Sky Sports News of course and it placed Sky in a very difficult position, which I enjoyed tremendously. Because Gary Cottrell, who is the journalist, Sky were obviously fiercely proud

that Jose Mourinho referred to him personally and gave him a bit of a play for Hogg and all that. It was like, our guy's really in with Jose Mourinho. And obviously that was the man of the moment. It was a big story. It was a great moment for Sky. But they had to follow it with like a 40-second disclaimer about the hog,

saying that we've both been in individual bubbles. And can I point out that we've both tested on a regular basis. And they gave a long COVID explanation. And they must have thought, look, we have to show this clip. And we'll just do a big apology after. But we can't not show Gary Cottrell in the arms of Jose Mourinho. I did love it. It did make me think in the times of social distancing, the only handshake that you can get is if you're Jose Mourinho,

the golden handshake. Well, they say he'll get 15 million. He gets loads, doesn't he? Every time he gets sacked, he gets out. That's like a million a month virtually it's alright isn't it he's one of the world's most successful football managers

I've seen it on his posters yeah did he have one that just said that just like keep calm and carry on I wish he had a mug saying that you don't have to be special to work here but it helps Did he have one that just said that? Just like, you know, keep calm and carry on. I wish he had a mug saying that. You don't have to be special to work here, but it'd help.

He does an advert, doesn't he? Do they have it on this one? Yes, he does. Of him saying special is winning Champions League. Winning, and then it's like some betting thing. Not so special. In other words, there's loads of winners um i didn't like it i felt he let me down let himself down but you know we're all different um i uh i suspect i've been watching

spurs now because my son supports them and um it's quite hard work watching Spurs under Jose Mourinho if I'm going to be absolutely oh man football with a hand you don't have to add

the under Jose Mourinho in my no no it was fantastic the Pochettino years but he's a cautious man

I was surprised he wasn't wearing a crash helmet when he got out the car he is a cautious man. I suspect that he will go into rugby

now, where the forward pass is outlawed. I think he'll feel tremendously at home in that environment. Frank, I would like to take you into the outside world. We've had a missive via Instagram, which I'd like to share with you. It's a late critique rather than a late review.

It's from Ginger Jennifer. Hi, Frank. Hope all well. I just wanted to disagree with you on a point you made on Saturday, the 26th of October, 2019. An ex-girlfriend of yours. Is this from my partner? I already like the tone of this text.

She keeps a detailed grudge journal. Wouldn't it be great to just send an ex a message out of the blue saying, hello, hope you're well. I'd just like to disagree with you on something you said on Tuesday the 4th of March

1997. So what did I say way back? Jennifer continues. I like the sound of ginger Ginger Jennifer, by the way. I champion gingers in all areas of life. While discussing Kylie Jenner merchandise and those who buy it, you said, fools are harmless.

My husband and I discuss this quote frequently, and we strongly disagree. We believe fools in large groups are absolutely dangerous. Anyway, I feel like I had to get that off my chest as it's been bothering me since October 2019. I would just like to add that whenever we see someone committing a foolish act that could cause them or others harm, for example not following the Green Cross code, my husband

and I will say to each other, remember that time that Frank Skinner said fools are harmless? You really do amplify our fool radar all the best jennifer yeah i think this is partly down to the fine distinction between a fool and an idiot well i think a fool is by definition a harmless hapless individual who um says um silly things and does silly things but I think that the dangerous branch become idiots so I think this is about semantics ginger Jennifer right or you know what should I say Auburn Jennifer if I'm just as an example of how things can be interchanged. But yes, you're right, there are some dangerous people around,

but they're idiots. Right. Okay, got that sorted out. You're very focused on the fools, yeah? Fools are lovable, I think. This was, it was a distinction that me and David Baddiel forged many years ago. You know, in the course of doing a lot of TV series, you work with some fools and some idiots, and it's very important to be able to put them into their respective groups

in a shorthand way when you're discussing them after the show. Oh, nice. A little tip there for anyone who's going into television. I like the idea of you forging, like you were blacksmiths or something. When you were given that dossier, was it just for the fools and idiots that work in television? Fools and idiots sob heading, innit? I think the dossier opened,

if you're going to work in television for any period of time, you must develop a method for dealing with people who are much less funny than you telling you what's funny. And it's still with me, that opening. I think it was a quote from John Logie Baird. Pop up. Yeah, and it stuck with me. And I've passed it on to lots of people going into television for the first time. Yeah, that's the kind of a guy I am.

I think it's important to have a sort of, you know, if you've done all right, when you come out of that, have a sort of philanthrop you know, if you've done all right, when you come out of that, have a sort of philanthropic sharing thing with others. Anyway, let's leave it on that rather sparkling note of compassion. Thank you so much for listening today. Sarah Champion is up next. I do listen to her. Guys, it was, I don't see you today.

This is Alan and Emily, but thanks for being there. Thank you all for being there. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again live this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.