The Frank Skinner Show - Bluff Cove

Episode Date: June 25, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. Frank has sandwich filling he wants you to try and Pierre has MC-ed a wedding. The team also discuss whether pirates go fishing, battery operated pencil sharpeners and Katy Perry being treated like a normal person.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli is here. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Hello. Morning. Now, there isn't enough people saying hello on radio. I think there's all sorts of crazy greetings.

Let's just keep it simple. Just before we came on air, I found myself singing Life, ooh life, ooh life. Is that the vaguest song lyric of all time? You can't just repeatedly say life. You've got to make an effort. Is it the idea that it's a song that sort of means something to everyone because it isn't too specific?

Well, that's it. I mean, every listener is sort of going to go, I think I know what he means by this. Yeah, exactly. If you've got a song that goes, Sylvia's mother said... You either need... You've got to have a girlfriend called Sylvia

and she's got to have a difficult parent. You know, you need all that. But yeah, keep it vague. I think that's pretty universal. A little difficult parent. Yeah, but Sylvia's dying out, isn't it, as a name? Yeah. Who was the but Sylvia's dying out, isn't it, as a name? Yeah. Who was the last Sylvia you encountered?

I would say it'd have to be Sylvia Anderson, wife of... Is it Gerry Anderson, Frank? Oh, yes, yes. What did they make? They made many things. They started with Torchy the Battery Boy and went via Supercar, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and so on did they make aqua maria aqua marina um was a song from stingray about um about a mute um underwater beauty

underwater beauty. How did it go? Do you remember? It went Marina, Aquamarina. And you'd see her swimming through water in a lot of chiffon. A lot of underwater chiffon was the theme with Marina.

And like I say, very beautiful, but she never spoke. Oh, I just got why she was called Marina. Yes, exactly. And Troy Tempest is another clue. It was all very sea-based. I had a strange crush on him.

Yeah. Was he a funny model? Apparently he was, I think he was the one who was based on James Garner. Okay. Underwater chiffon, though, the drag on that. Yeah, I know. But I think if you grow up underwater those muscles develop

you can just swish through but she never spoke no it was they became

divorced I think the Andersons I think it was quite bitter at the end oh

yes pity because they were a great team and what's the name of the of the fandom

which loves the Gerry Anderson brand they're called Fanderson oh come on it's absolutely wonderful I love it I think you would get I bet you get on

very well with the Fanderson's don't tell that the wrong way yeah well it's I don't I mean I don't know that like I know Doctor Who, but I always feel when I fall into decrepitude in later life, I'll probably get the old Thunderbird box set. You're all in the same area, aren't you? I was an XL5 man myself. Right.

So anyway, that. Oh, incidentally, I should have gone to a screening of Doctor Who and the Daleks plus Daleks invasion earth whatever it is 19 blah blah ad but I couldn't cuz my son has chicken pox, so we missed that. So they sent me the DVD this week. Ah, great. Canal. Is it Canal? Anyway, them. Studio Canal.

So that is very exciting. The artwork is through the ceiling. Can I tell you, that is so adorable. They still send DVDs for the Doctor Who. So they don't have links or anything, no? Well, I don't know. We didn't bring that up. You wouldn't get the, you know, there's like two souvenir cards and a poster and like a 36-page booklet.

You can't collect links. No. No, you can't. Speak for yourself. I spent a lifetime doing it. It's like touching it, you know, touching it in your hands, the booklet. Lovely. Yeah. Anyway, that was...

I don't know what that was. That was just talking. I suppose this show is essentially talking. That's all it is. It's like going to a jazz gig occasionally. Brilliant themes rise up from the inner workings of the musicians. There is something I want you to mull over, though. Oh, go on.

I was actually on the way in this morning. I couldn't get over... I actually felt a certain amount of respect for people that had affairs without mobiles. Hmm. How did these people pull it off? 8.12.15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So I've been gigging this week, doing sort of work in progress, trying to find some sort of comedy. You know, that thing you have to do. And obviously you get people who listen to the radio show and a man in the front row early on

in the gig handed me now Ian what does this say to you a pink and white striped paper bag to me can only mean one thing oh pick and mix oh yeah

and I'd walk past an alfresco pick and mix outside King's Cross station oh yeah I like an en plein air well yes so he handed me these

and he said I know you like these. And they were Dolly mixtures, which I was talking about recently on the show, which they are my suite of choice. And I said, look, thank you. But obviously the rule on fan food is you can't eat it. Because he said, I just picked them up on the way. I said, yeah, but you've told me that's a narrative technique to suggest you haven't had time to sort of smear them. I said, oh, yeah, I just picked them up on the way. Well, maybe you did and maybe you didn't, but here I am anyway.

Maybe you carry them in your mouth. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know't, but here I am anyway. Maybe you carried them in your mouth. Yeah, exactly. Well, you know what, I'd settle for that. Anyway, I'm thinking more cocaine smuggler style. Oh, yes. Anyway, so the gig continued and the bag was there and I took it, I didn't want to leave it on stage. No.

And I walk past that that same alfresco pick and mix and um anyway i got on the tube and i thought i mean i've got them with me now so i went in i went in on the uh the fan food oh you went in and it had that um you know pick and mix has that taste of not really no it has a taste of what you might call distant sell by date about it you know they got that staleness about them which is how they've picked up their chair i'm not saying this is true of the king's cross one in case the man's listening. I doubt he will be. Frank, did it have a... My fear is that sometimes the random fried egg falls in

and I cannot tolerate the fried egg. I don't mind the... I think it's the taste of other people's fingers on them. Because it is the sort of pick and mix where you can just take a few out you know what i mean fumble flavored but um i but having said that you know i ate virtually the whole bag and i was only i'm only four tube stops before i get home that's good i really went after it and i've got a thing that i like to try and get at least one jelly in the handful so i

know when i'm going to soon i'll hit a different texture anyway so thanks for that mate i did eat them after all um and we'll see what happens that might be one of my favorite ever payoffs to the to the stories thanks for that mate i did eat them yeah also there's a woman in the front row one night there was a big hardback book sticking out of her bag and i said oh what's that you've got look like a proper and it was um rob beckett's autobiography and i thought is that a threat you know this but any sign of failure in this gig and I'm going into Rob Becky. I'd rather learn about the origins of a different comedian. Yeah, exactly.

Than the current times of you, sir. Yeah, I've actually got back up. Oh, man, it was very depressing. And then we had a long conversation about Rob Becky. I used my will no one rid me of this troublesome priest um line how did it go down one person got it but that was me they got it in you know when one person gets a joke they really get it and laugh a lot because partly they're celebrating their own intelligence yes which i'm happy to let people do well there's plenty of people on telly celebrating their own ignorance.

Why not offer an alternative view? Sorry, Emily. I was going to say, it's the equivalent of laughing at the Shakespearean comedy, isn't it? Exactly. Although I must say, I don't know if I've just become one of those people, but I've started to laugh a bit more at Shakespeare. I used to hate Shakespeare jokes that I didn't get.

Now I'm sorry. I think this weekend these jokes will do me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I share this missive with you from Peter? Last week you talked about Cadbury-themed vans. In the late 90s, I worked in Bourneville Other chocolate brands are available And our break room overlooked the Cadbury's car park

Often we would see the mini egg van racing the cream egg van Oh really? It became such a regular occurrence we started betting on who the winner would be. Oh, come on, that's brilliant. Channel 5's missed a trick there, haven't they? Egg racing. Fastest food. What you need is one of those egg trucks

and then they could have a spoon truck and you could call it egg and spoon race and it could be the two of them racing. I mean, ideally, I would have thought to the death on Channel 5 to get the people in, get the viewers in. That's got... I love a bit of... You don't get much behind-the-scenes Cadbury World stuff.

I would have thought that a fried egg is the fastest shape of egg. No way. Aerodynamic. No, hard-boiled's going to be... Do you think? If you're going pointy end first, yeah, definitely, I would say. I don't know. A fried egg from the side in profile looks a bit like a fast car.

Yeah, but they don't hold their frisbee nature. That's the trouble. I don't know if you... When you skim a fried egg, they tend to undulate. Yeah. Not very toned, the fried egg. No. I suppose if you really cook one up,

but then I think you'd get curvature at the outer extremities. I'd like to see if you skim a fried egg, they tend to undulate, hyphen, Frank Skinner. 2022 on a sort of engraved... On a coaster. Yes, or a plaque. Maybe an egg cup. Little egg cup.

I was sitting in my garden this weekend. Yeah, I've got a garden. I've worked for it. And I could hear Noel Gallagher doing a gig just like a quarter of a mile away at a place called Kenwood House. Oh, right. And we just sat in the garden. It was like, you know, it was a bit like that. But even so, it was free.

That's nice, Frank. How did it sound? I kind of liked it. I recognised, you know, quite a few of the songs, so I could hear it that clearly. And I just liked the idea of, you know, I wrote this for a text in, what major events have you heard from your garden?

Because there's people, I went to a birthday party recently quite near the Arsenal Stadium and you could hear the cheering. And we were trying to work out before we went to our phones whether that was a home goal or an away goal or a bit of crowd anger. Pitch of joy. It's quite exciting though, something big happening nearby like that. You don't agree? You don't agree with me? I don't live too far from the Arsenal Stadium.

Oh, okay. You can hear it sometimes even through a shut window, if it's going well. Well, I used to live in the door, in a house that literally adjoined West Bromwich Albion's ground. I couldn't hear a damn thing. We lived briefly opposite...

It's so sad. It's so sad. We lived opposite the Sydney Opera House. Did you? Wow. You know, we got about. There was always a flurry of activity there. I've got to be honest, it got quite irritating. Could you hear the opera, though? No. They closed the windows for that.

But there's the Harbour Bridge, it's all in the same manner. So there's always something going on. There's fireworks, there's events, there's... It got too much for us after a while. I had a Sydney Opera House made from my nail clippings for a TV show.

It's surprisingly authentic looking. Sorry, Pierre. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, a phrase that we've used a lot, which I think I got from you, Emily, was being a late adopter. Yeah. And it's when you take up some...

I mean, I had it with Michael Morpurgo recently. Years of Morpurgo avoidance. And now I read his new book, Where the Fishes Flew. You went straight into new. You didn't go to the back catalogue. Well, I got that one free when I interviewed him. So I read that to my sick child in the garden, and I loved it.

Did it go well? I loved it. What did he think of it? Oh, him? I didn't ask him. I did all the voices. Yeah. So there's that.

I also, I used to like a manual pencil sharpener. That's that nice Jewish man at Ryman's. I think he used to play for Arsenal. Yeah. But I've got the battery operated now. That's brilliant. You've got a battery operated pencil sharpener? Literally lean out of bed and come back and, it's as sharp as yeah can you do something

he's got a battery operated pencil shop next to his bed it's the future take it from me um it's brilliant have you become a sort of technical draftsman or something it's took me but i used to think i've got enough pencils to rest to last me the rest of my life i used to think that but now i've really returned to the pencil with a vengeance since I've got the battery operating. What are we pencilling? Oh, everything. I'm writing stand-up and everything, all in pencil.

There's quite a lot of robbing out after the gigs. You're spending more money on paper. And then this week, what did I rediscover? Surf and turf. Something which I think of as quite a sort of 80s thing. And what I had was a corned beef and anchovy sandwich. You did. And it was really nice.

I mean, don't, you know, don't knock it till you've tried it, as we say in the S&M community. I won't be trying it. Honestly, it's great. A corned beef and anchovy sandwich is the sort of comedy food that they try and foist on a Beano character. That simply isn't true. It's really nice.

Like a mythical punishment. If you don't behave, you'll be getting a corned beef and anchovy sandwich. Well, yeah, just, I mean, too long has meat and fish been tied up in this sort of blur versus oasis thing. But get them together. No, but you've chosen the two worst ones. I haven't. I love anchovy.

As you know, I have always felt that... I had a very strange thing, because I've always felt that a pizza without anchovies is not really a pizza. And then I was watching a programme which existed for about 28 series. I don't know anyone else who watches it. Futurama.

Yes. And he bore, because he lives in the future, he bore to pizza, and he said, a pizza isn't a pizza if it doesn't have anchovies. And I thought, you know when you find a kindred spirit? Yeah. It just happened to be that bloke from Futurama. And it's a great

episode. Oh man, it's a brilliant episode, but it's much underrated I think. Well, I'm interested that you raised the subject of injuries because I had an anchovy incident this week well let's let's make that a cliffhanger I mean the tide would have to be pretty high but we'll see by the way I was talking about recently adopting things, more pergo, battery-operated pencil sharpeners,

and surf and turf revival. If you've recently adopted anything that might enrich our lives, let us know on 812.15. Oh, professional. Pleased with that. Very tight. 15. Oh, professional. Pleased with that.

Very tight. Now, it was a cliffhanger. Emily's anchovy story. I went to a lovely restaurant called Riva and there were some zucchini fritters that really appealed to me on the menu.

Could you resist going Riva! Could you resist doing that yes because it's a very classy place and there was some zucchini sort of fritters that really appealed to me but what concerned me was the mention of the a word right you don't like anchovies no because no one does, Frank. That isn't true. I've gone... We'll take a straw poll in the studio. Hands up if you like anchovy.

Your witness. I'm a 50-50. I was surprised. I was ambushed by an anchovy because I didn't realise they were a key part of a Caesar salad, technically. Oh, yeah, God. Yeah.

I thought it was a slug. I would rather eat a slug Who orders a Caesar salad and doesn't I mean the problem with the Caesar salad is that it almost always requires the caveat and I don't like a dish like that because no one says What do you mean I don't

but no anchovies Everyone No I don't like a butt food No, that's why I was worried about the dolly mixtures Antivirus. Everyone. No. I don't like a butt food. No, that's why I was worried about the Dolly mixtures. Anyway, over at Reva, I said, look, I did say look to her as well. Lovely.

Okay. Lovely waitress. I said, I've got a problem. The zucchini really appeals to me. However, and she preempted me, and I loved this. She looked at me. She was Italian. How do we feel about maybe not doing the accent? How do we feel about Italians?

I thought you were going to say. Maybe I won't do the accent. My surname is Italian, and I hereby give you permission to do a fun Italian accent. She said, it's okay. It's okay. I didn't know at first she was talking about the anchovy and then I realised she was. She said, I don't like anchovy. I don't like anchovy.

Barely taste it. Barely taste it. So I thought, okay. I got it there was a lot of anchovy because what I'm saying is they infect everything she was right

there was minimal anchovy in it but you only have to sniff it Frank that's their power the power of the anchovy no but that's what I want from an anchovy I want I want it to permeate. The corned beef, you know, you could smell the fish on it. And that was great.

Honestly, the combination was so good. If anyone is at home and they have these two ingredients, but it was, I mean, they were pretty nice anchovies. It was from one of these deli places you know where they were in um they were in some sort of seasoned oil showing yeah but um corn beef was standard these were nice anchovies i don't know if you you don't see really um high class corn beef in these um, dear. That hasn't been given the treatment. I don't think you'd go to that Harrods Food Hall

and see it hanging from the ceiling. No. You have the birth to corn. Oh, yes, sir. It's a very fine example. No, it doesn't. It's firmly close to its roots, corned beef.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk. Do you want to hear what's been going on in the outside world? Oh, yes.

Hold on, I think we have an outside world jingle. Outside world, outside world. Oh, the outside world. Oh, I can imagine sitting next to a net of anchovies as I sang that. It'd be a very small net, wouldn't it? Tight, tight netage. It'd be like one of those nets you get oranges in. Yeah, it'd have to be one of those.

Even that, I think you might get ambitious anchovies making their way through. But pirates, did they catch fish? No, they catched people, didn't they? Yeah, but they might have been, they may as well. It might be opportunistic. That's a good question. They had a side hustle. Did pirates fish 8, 12, 15?

Someone will know that. Of course, the hook would be handy, wouldn't it? I hadn't thought of that. Perhaps that was just primitive angling, the hook hand. We cut out the middle man. Yeah, exactly. I couldn't... No room for twine on this ship.

There the twine shall meet. I hope he tied his hair back or put it in a scrunchie, that hook. They were usually... Hook had a lot of share they had plaits though didn't they and things

no but hook not hook did you see hook's hair ever they had a big old do yeah yeah a lot of them when you see like

the real pirate drawings I don't know how accurate they were I was going to say but often they'd have like you know what is it it's called like a Scandinavian plait you know those big ones I don't know how accurate they were I was going to say but often they'd have like you know what is it

it's called like a Scandinavian platter you know those big ones look like they've got a loaf of bread on the back of their head yeah I love a platter on a woman yeah oh god yes

a real work of art I love a platter on a woman that's an alternative opening to the film Apocalypse Now I love a plant and a woman. Can I share, he likes a gymnast

sort of the whole line. No, they don't go for the full, I'm on about those ones where it's really like, there's four or five

strands into two. I know, quite Germanic. Exactly, yeah. Angel Blue Eyes has been in touch. Yeah.

You were asking if anyone had sort of overheard gigs, essentially. Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard the whole of the U2 Zeropa tour. Did I say that right? Zeropa. Yeah, I think so. From my Wilsdon flat when they played at Wembley. Nice.

A few things from there. I know what you mean, Rie Kenwood House, though. We went to see James there a couple of weeks ago and realised it might be better to sit on the hill without going in. Well, that is always a temptation. You don't have to be too far outside

of the perimeter fence of any outdoor gig, you would think. I mean, is there a Glastonbury thing where people sit outside glastonbury and don't i suppose it's too big isn't it too many stages you get a muddled sound okay i'm not sure i think there might be a sort of shanty town element to a glastonbury someone will know but they'll probably be in the shantytown as we speak. Yeah. Not listening to radios but listening to

Oh man, I love this song. Good preparation for when they go hard of hearing in later life. Talking of that hard, 617, pirates didn't fish because it was too hard.

Very good. I mean, come on, that is the B now, isn't it? Yes, yes. And in terms of what have you recently adopted, Brian Sefton on Twitter, what have you recently adopted? An air of insouciance.

Ah. What does insouciance mean? It's me, essentially. Yeah, there you are. Uncaring sort of whimsy. Sort of aboveouchable. Sort of above it all.

Touch me not. Okay, well, good luck with that. Sort of a... Good luck with that. Touch me not, or is that No Le Mitage? Huh? What? There's an Italian Renaissance painting called No Le Mitage. Oh, of course.

It's about your lot, Frank. Yes, it's Hay-who. It's your lot. As they say at Man City. Yeah. And Mary Magdalene, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it's Hey Who and... It's your lot. As they say at Man City. Yeah. And Mary Magdalene, isn't it? Yes, and... I know it well.

I didn't... I realised it was only discovered later, it was Touch Me Not. Yes. So I'd like to say No Limitage. Touch Me Not. Should have been like a Freddie and the Dreamers single. That's what it sounds like.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got some anchovy news. All right. I say news. This is, it is from a chef, though. 790. Okay. Good morning, Frank and team.

Good morning, 790. I have been a chef for nearly 20 years, and anchovies have always divided my customers and understandably so. I'm liking this, Chef. Yeah? They are an acquired taste. Oh, what does that mean? However, well, he's about, well...

You are. However, asking for a Caesar salad with no anchovies and asking for extra dressing is always frustrating, considering the dressing is absolutely laced with the little blighters. That's Rich in Seven Oaks. He's gone, that's a chef referring to your beloved anchovies as the little blighters. Yeah, but you know, I think that, that oh I don't know you know

I realise I don't have a strong enough opinion to actually get it out I just really like them if you don't like them try if you

all I would ask our readers is to try one corned beef and anchovy sandwich if they don't like it then they can bad mouth me

is that all I would ask our readers it's quite a big ask i think that's fair enough by the way can i ask you a question here at um absolute house in golden square as no one has ever called no that's because we share it with about 12 other stations who probably wouldn't like it let's call it it the Bower House. Oh. Because it's owned by the company Bower. Yeah. So what they did, and I thought it was a good, you know,

modern gesture, is there used to be men's toilets and women's toilets. And what they've done is it says now, does it say men and women, male, female female what does it say on its air i'm asking the producer yeah looking at me like i've asked her to um name the 12 apostles anyway so i so what they've done they got men and women let's say on one side and but if it used to be a man's toilet they've kept the the perspex sign blue yeah and if it used to be a man's toilet, they've kept the Perspex sign blue. Yeah.

And if it used to be a women's toilet, they've kept it pink, even though the sign says men and women. And that happened several years ago. I have never, I realise today, I've never been in one of the pink men and women because that messaging to me saying, do not come in, you're not welcome in here.

No limitage. The instincts are still there. Yeah. But it's an interesting halfway political house to say men and women pink, men and women blue. You know, wink wink. You know which one we're inviting in.

I have seen a few trendy bars attempt a similar ambiguity, but they'll put up a sign saying, which of the two completely fine rooms is packed with your idols? Yes. And which isn't? And you sort of go, well, that's going to make things easier for you if you're a man, no matter what. Well, look, I'm all for equality in the abstract,

but when I was in a cubicle next to Emily's niece, I did feel incredibly self-conscious. We had just a tiny bit of wood between us. She came out and she said, oh, she said I was in the toilet with Frank. Yeah, well, it was virtually with. I mean, you know, it's a tiny bit of wood. I've never seen her laugh so much, though.

It really, she enjoyed it. I was mortified. I mean, you I mean you know you've got to remember when you get to my age I mean it sounds like a psychedelic

improvised gig at the Albert Hall when I go to the toilet it's a happening that's what it is it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening

it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening it's a happening That's what it is. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, we never got to the bottom of whether pirates had a side hustle with the fishing. No, we only got a sort of light-hearted remark as an answer.

No, because it's too hard. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's simply not. No, because it's too hard. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's simply not good enough, is it? Did pirates fish? I mean, otherwise, I suppose when they boarded other ships, they could get vittles. Yes. But it seems mad to me at sea and not fish. I was going to say, it seems...

When you've got hooks about your person at all times. It'd be rude not to. Do you think they said that? I don't think they worried that much about being rude. Pirates. I suppose they had their code, is what I'm guessing. I do like the idea of a pirate tentatively opening a treasure chest. It'd be rude not to.

Do you think they were saying, oh, I'm so sorry, yeah, my, no, after you. I don't think they were, you know, etiquette wasn't their thing. Yeah, would it be a treasure chest or maybe you might have a creel? You know, those things that you keep fishing equipment in and sit on. Oh, yes, yes, yes, there at the back. I like the idea of a big line of them angling off the side of a galleon. Peaceful, ain't it?

Yeah. Oh, they're not really biting today, Dave. Yeah. You could get like the skull and then two cross fishing rods underneath on that ship if they were particularly fine anglers. Also, I think it would have been a good decoy for the pirates. People would have thought, oh, those are some nice fishermen

doing a sort of, you know, poor White House Bob Mortimer thing. They would never have suspected. A lot of them lost their eye from the casting, you know, when you bring the, when you flick the thing back, just catching them in the... I think we're getting to the bottom now of the whole pirate thing. We're basically fishermen who got a bad press.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. In case you're listening, if you're listening on a Decade channel, I just played a track called Keston, by Keston cobblers club which you won't have heard but i mention it because i have in my hand a wooden it looks like

a book i'm just going to show the guys this we'll put a photo up of it and it's actually a music box which was made by the dad of one of the band. And it's beautifully done. So it looks like a little wooden book. And you press a button and the album plays. Oh, wow. So I've never been sent one of those before. So I'll put up a couple of explanatory photos. I must say, it certainly grabbed my attention.

Hold on, that was a fly. I'd call it an artifact, something like that. It's objet d'art. It's objet d'art. No, we were talking about pirates and then Pierre Novelli drops an absolute dialectal bombshell.

That's right. It was a knowledge bomb. Regarding the origins of the pirate voice, the voice that we all instinctively know to do when we're being pirates, arrr, and so on. Yeah, so why do they speak like that, pirates? Well, in Disney's Treasure Island, 1950,

the first sort of big audio Treasure Island. Oh, look at that in the date. Just, you know, all in there. All in there. I can join in here. Robert Newton? That's right. Yeah, as Long in there. I can join in here. Robert Newton? That's right. Yeah, as Long John Silver.

As Long John Silver. And Robert Newton decided being a Dorset. And maybe Robert Morley is one of the... Oh, dear, dear Robert. But anyway, yeah, Robert Newton. Robert Newton was from Dorset, from the West Country. And of course, Pirates of Penzance and so on. And he thought, I'll go for an exaggerated sort of West Country accent

as Long John Silver. Hence, ooh-ar. It's also the same ar as Pirates. So you're saying this is all down to one old ham? Yes. Is why we all speak like this? Like the end of a Boxing Day buffet. It's all down to one old ham.

One scenery-chewing actor has basically changed the entire course of pirate history. Well, if Long John Silver was an old ham, that's one of the early examples of surf and turfs. Oh, really? He was a great... I don't know if you've seen those old movies, but he was a great... He did the gym lap. I mean, it's quite broad, a lot of these performances. Yes, but he was brilliant. But as a result, of course, Americans having no concept of some sort of West Country accent, just go, ah, pirates.

But now you come to mention it, does it make any sense that they've all got a West Country accent, pirates? Because they don't all come from there. No. Good heavens. That's brilliant. Although I think it would have really livened up Captain Phillips if the Somali pirates who kidnapped Tom Hanks had all had sort of thick, dorset accents.

But who knew that one old actor doing a regional accent could change lives like that? Great, great benefit. As you say, a great knowledge bomb from the man we used to call the wiki piedia on on tour that's lovely the way that works it really trips off the top he does doesn't it but it was it was often apt in the back of the tour van pierre would often be dropping these um knowledge bombs why do you know quite a lot of things? I have a lot of time.

Oh, that's good. I know I like it. There wasn't a challenge. There was no aggression. No. No, I didn't sense any aggression. Who are, who are. I've been enjoying that. Of course, my favourite Treasure Island moment

is when they announce that Alan has been killed. The most, the least appropriate name for anyone ever in Treasure Island, I would say. Yeah, that'll be the death of Alan. Oh, OK. Colin the pirate. Yeah, it was a bit like that. Yeah, Paul Pirate. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Yeah, Paul Pirate. I want to ask our friend Pierre, our French exchange, what he's been up to. But briefly, Jackie in Hamburg, I need you to know this, because Jackie in Hamburg, she's your kindred spirit. She says, thanks, my kindred spirit. I've always said a pizza isn't a pizza without anchovies. If I order a pizza and the shop doesn't offer anchovies, I like the shop, the pizza shop. And shockingly, that sometimes happens.

I always have some to put on the pizza. Shove it in the oven to heat them. Perfect pizza. Listening from Hamburg. Lovely. She offers some praise to you then. But I'm just saying, you've got a friend. perfect pizza listening from Hamburg lovely well I always she offers some praise to you then

but I'm just saying you've got a friend yeah I mean if they do additional toppings often you can have like an American hot

and then say just stick the anchovies on but it's a big ask I mean the pizza place I go to I saw that coming. Did you?

Like a truck at an intersection, just seconds too late to stop it. 18 Wheeler? Yeah. He likes those. If you see my jokes come in, Pierre, there's a career ahead for you in comedy. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, come on. what's been happening to pierre novelli so you see up to stuff last time we spoke to was the wine tasting oh on may the

cons what life yeah yeah i'm trying to live up to my name oh, what's happening in you? Life. Oh, life, life. We could have sized it as vague, but in fairness, in French, it'd be a sort of classic of the genre, wouldn't it? La vie. Yeah, exactly. Everyone would think, oh, that's a great song. Oh, la vie.

I don't know what he means, but it's great. Yeah. Of course, the la vie is what we used to call the toilet when I was a kid. don't want to be singing about that oh we didn't do lavi no quite right we did uh lou oh no i never liked that much or toilet was banned was it oh yeah difficult no just uh it's um a bit pooterish. Yeah. Google it. Anyway, what's happening in your life?

I recently, bravely, if you're a stand-up comedian and you are frank, and you'll know that this is a rare thing to agree to, I emceed a friend's wedding. Oh, gosh. It's a big ask. Did you write new wedding-based material for it? I did. Okay. I did. Okay. I went in custom.

But did you chuck in a bit of old stuff as well just to fill it out? There's a couple of jokes of a style that I would not sell in my own stall. Okay. What sort of ones? Unaccustomed as I am. Easier ones. Right. You don't want to be reinventing the wheel mid-starter.

No. You also don't want to be reinventing the wheel mid starter you also don't want to be 1973 new faces no so how did it go the weddings I've been to don't really have an MC normally I wouldn't entertain a request like this but my friends had been to a Norwegian

wedding and they came away changed as you would imagine a quest like this but my friends had been to a norwegian wedding and they came away changed as you would imagine that happened to me when i went to a norwegian hotel buffet yes they are the most incredible experiences those people have blurt next to me had five different desserts on the same plate it is it really is. Eat until you are taken to hospital. That's how it operates. And the smoked cheeses. Yeah.

And lots of that supplementary oil. What's he call something like E20 or something like that? Yes, yeah. Anything from fish. Yeah. Oh, they love the fish. Let's get on with the pirates. Who get Norwegian pirates?

I don't know only in the music business it'd be very uh be very um ah ha ha twiddly be twiddly

fine work wouldn't it Fjord the Fjord thing yes yeah pursuing someone

through a Fjord 30 point turns it'd be like Pac-Man you just have to total turn after turn after turn after turn no I think

the fields would put me off I'd see that they'd be like I suppose we call them speed bumps this is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli you can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Very smooth.

Meanwhile, over at the wedding. Yes. I'm just having a ginger shot. I don't mean I've hired a hitman to kill Chris Evans. I mean I'm having one of these little zingers. Oh, my word. Go on, carry on. Well, so these friends of mine had been to a Norwegian wedding

and they'd come away convinced that it was the way to go because apparently, according to them, at least the one they went to, weddings in Norway, they'll have sort of eight people speaking for sort of two minutes each. And everyone sort of gets a look in, you they'll have sort of eight people speaking for sort of two minutes each. And everyone sort of gets a look in, you know, the parent of either

person getting married. It's a smorgasbord. That's right. Yeah. And you stand on a big sort of rye bread platform. Yeah, and nobody gets smorgasbord.

That's perfect. Okay, so that sounds... Where were you before the wedding? It's a... It's a tough gig, so that sounds... Where were you before the wedding? It's a... It's a tough gig, though, isn't it? The two-minute speech.

Yeah, so everyone was... With a couple of exceptions, I think mother of the groom, father of the bride, they had sort of five to eight. As a jobbing comic, I didn't think, what do I give them, a light? Oh, yeah. We're running.

Yeah, exactly. Stop exactly crying five to eight but isn't that the average um speech length of a wedding i think so yeah long time it's quite a while most people stuck to pretty pretty brief stuff but that's why they needed an mc that's that's otherwise i think you're right you don't really need one but that's the reason i agreed i thought you know what these these people actually do need so did you do material in between them i had a sort of a few lines two or three lines in between each one and then announced the beef tough gig did you did you sort of comment did you do callbacks to the speeches i did were they nice callbacks uh i felt it was my duty to sort of be a persistently Gently undermining force Yes

Oh no I did think You've got to balance mockery with affection Well that's what I'm in every wedding speech That's the ingredient isn't it It's like trying to convince a loved one Not to wear a hat

Yeah Bit of mockery, bit of affection Yeah You have to go yeah you hit them with the satire and then at the end then you melt their their hearts that's right yeah in in in five to eight minutes yes but see yeah well that was it as i was a sort of palate cleanser in between heart melting so i sort of thought well if their hearts are going to be they're going to be puddles by the time this is over

You're going to freeze them back up again Freeze them right back up, chilling stats re-divorce So how did it go would you say? It went well Can you give us an example of your Norwegian wedding material? My Norwegian wedding? Or are you saving it for an Edinburgh show?

Did you throw any Norwegian in? I threw in some fake Norwegian. What sort of thing? I was a bit rude, Pierre. No, no, I cleared it with the two Norwegians there. Okay. Just the two of them. They approved.

Life's so complicated now, isn't it? What did you say? What was your fake Norwegian? I just thought it, because I had to explain to the guests, not all of them were aware of the tremendous backstory of the Norwegian wedding, so I had to explain why they were going to have to hear

eight or nine people talking. And so I decided that I would pretend that I was some sort of expert on Norwegian culture and sort of made up a few fake Norwegian words with sort of deep meanings and I kept referring to the father of the bride as the

bridsfader and things like that. Alright. I quite like it. Frank, what do you think? A bit of fake Norwegian in there. I think you had to be there. Yeah. I can't really... I can't think of a gig more context-heavy

than a Norwegian-themed wedding. It sounded potentially a bit South African as well. It did, yeah. That was playing to my strengths. But that material, as you say, that's gone there, isn't it? Yes. Unless you do another Norwegian-themed wedding,

which is... I mean, you might get bookings for it if word gets out. No, but I've said this. Were you pleased with it at the end? Did you think as Norwegian wedding

emceeing goes, that was about as good as it gets? I thought as it went. I got the good reviews from the high table, the people who mattered, you know, and I did think, is this what it's like to be a vicar?

So people in a service scenario coming up to you and sort of shaking you by the hand and saying nice things. I thought, this is probably the best part of vicaring. Yeah, yeah. People in suits congratulating you on saying things nicely. Yeah, you don't get much out of comedy gigs, I find. No, just a glass shattering on the wall behind you.

These gigs are at the moment. I am literally at the end of the gig walking through the audience out the door and off to the tube station. I mean, I'm literally, that's how I leave. Have you not got your own entrance

or exit? No, God, no. No, it's just about doing it quickly so they don't catch me before I get on the train. Yes. If anyone knows the technical name for that harness that you put the bottom of a flag in, I would love to know what that was,

just so I'm dropping conversation. Surely you know people who know about harnesses. Well, I do, but I don't answer many flag people I'm happy to say very few of them are also patriots there might be some drum majors listening

or majorettes do you get these majorettes anymore don't repeat, weren't they the majorettes do you know it was a lovely use. They're not a top hat. It's a top hat with a peak.

Well, it's a sort of ornate top hat that looks like it could have been, it would be great on Is It Cake? Because you could easily make a good cake of one, I would have thought. It's a shako.

That's what it's called? A shako, yeah. Have you Googled it? I thought it was a shako because I used it's called a shako yeah have you googled it i thought it was a shako because i have you googled it i googled it to confirm ah you so sure you did why didn't you speculate first and put your reputation on the line now we'll never believe that you doubted myself i doubted myself a shako thank you to the sharp novels and tv series for teaching me that okay how are you spelling shaker s-h-a-k for teaching me that. Okay, how are you spelling Shako? S-H-A-K-O.

Okay. I love the expression, how are you spelling? Can't find my... How does one spell it? How are you spelling these days? Excuse me, shopkeeper, this Shako's a bit shallow for the flag I'm doing this weekend. Have you got anything with a bit more depth? Oh, no, sorry, I mean, the Shaco is the kind of hat

you're talking about. Yes. Oh, can I want to know the name of the harness that flag us into key pop? No. That's up to the listeners. No, no, I'm sorry.

That was very specific information. We were, the hat, I didn't know that was called a Shaco. That's useful information from that particular knowledge bomb. I like that. Okay. I just thought it was confusing.

I've now made a public fool of myself. Well, let's face it, that's setting a real precedent there. I did a whole mini drama set in a majorette supply store, which didn't make any sense now, because why would you want a deeper shaker if it's a hat? You could have some beehive hair, dude. Yeah, could be. Or maybe you're an undercover policeman.

Do you know what? I think the drama still stands on its own. I really like the drama. I just want to flag up that I will be... Good, good. Very good. I will be referring back to good. Very good. Very nice.

I will be referring back to it quite a lot in the future, that drama. Great. I'll call it the Major Head... Great. The Major Head Supply Store drama. Oh, look, speaking of big hats, did you read the Katy Perry story this week? I did.

So Katy Perry is in Australia. Yeah. And picture that, if you will. She's with the Bloom boy. Yes. She's with Harold Bloom from James Joyce's Ulysses. And no, she's with Orlando Bloom. Not Orlando from Virginia Woolf's Orlando.

Absolute radio. They don't have, they haven't fashioned a Portmanteau name, have they yet? No. Now, she was asked about this, and do you know what she said? She did a bit of a Paul Ince. Frank, would you care to quickly give a brief explanation? Well, it's said that Paul Ince, the former Manchester United footballer, said to his teammates,

henceforth, I shall be known as the governor. Oh, self-selecting nickname. Yeah, so that's the theory. I don't know if it's definitely true, but that's what they say. Katie did a bit of an int. Because once, when she was asked, they were repeatedly asked, what's your name, your couple name?

And I think she tweeted once or put a post on Instagram saying, just to let you know, I've decided what her name is and we've chosen it. It's OK. Oh, for all... Has it taken? Well, it's okay What's wrong with Corlando? Or Blary

I love Corlando Or just Berry Or Catando That sounds like a game you'd play Nice card game I think that's the name of the majorettes Epilette Base I think that's the name of the majorette. Epilette. Bass.

It's called that. I'll check with the storekeeper next time I'm in there. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Katy Perry, who I think we've worked with. Katando. Corlando, I still like. Oh, Corlando, okay.

We had some great outside world from Trevor saying Katy Perry plus Orlando Bloom equals Kabloom that's pretty good very good yeah I like that Kabloom

yeah I'll let's stick with that write that down well done who was that that was Trevor well done Trevor clever Trevor

not me Dan with a feather I bet he said that a lot so Kabloom well it wasn't Kabloom Kabloom where he's filming Not me, Dan, with a feather. I bet he said that a lot. So, Kabloon... Well, it wasn't Kabloon. Kabloon, he's filming...

Orlando is currently shooting a movie called Wizard, which sounds... That'd be nice for you, Frank, sort of thing. You'd like Wizards in English. Yeah, quite possibly. I'm surprised that she tags along like a plus one to his filming.

This is Katy Perry, for goodness sake. Yeah. Well, they've got a child, they share a child together. Yeah. Maybe she always wanted to see Port Douglas. Yeah, maybe that is possible. I've always been a fan of... Katy?

Yeah, I'm no expert on her music, but I like that sort of quite sort of brightly lit cartoon she's boopian i would say she has a boopian element to her yes betty boop yeah yeah she's she would if they do a live action betty boop movies she would be my first phone call i adore kp although i was surprised to see her on a i think she might have done an ad for a takeaway food company you know when

they go a bit backstreet boys well it's interesting that because one of the lines that she says in that is

I get what I want when I want it margarita with extra cheese on it which seems to contradict the story we're about to tell i knew you'd be fine i knew you wouldn't have let those adverts slip past you no well i i like

i mean i i miss um snoop on there they must pay the big money let's see what did he do wow he yeah he was doing it in like full pimpo fit. I mean, what on earth are you doing? This is a family advert. And then, Casey Perry,

who looks amazing on it in a series of, I say cartoonish guises, I would say. Mr. Marge Simpson, yeah. But even so, I get what I get

when I want it. So she went into an Australian cafe and said, can I get a table? And the waitress said no. Indiana. And then, yeah. And then she found a sort of staff eating table.

I hate that. When you're in a cafe and the staff are eating and they're on laptops. Get an office. I don't want to see this. It's like I don't get to see i don't want to see this it's like i don't get to derren brown and he tells me how it's done get in the back i don't care if you have to stand in a corridor i don't want to watch the staff eating and on the worst have you ever had this is in a restaurant i've been sat near where the staff eating lunch come on well i yeah i'm not keen anyway so the woman the indiana the waitress found her a

table her and a child i don't know how big the her entourage was but she had a big hat and then went over and gave her a further reprimand having found her a table and said, oh, bore the why. Don't think you can sit there on a regular basis. That kind of attitude. And the summing up of this story is at the end,

KP gave her an enormous tip because she said she was so happy to be treated like an everyday person. Or as Indiana put it, I believe her actual words, Indiana, were, I was a bit shocked that I acted like she was a casual Joe Blow. Was the tip, never speak to me like that again, or I'll show you the meaning of pain or something like that? I would have thought that what Katy Perry,

and indeed all human beings, should be encouraging is that every customer is treated like a celebrity, not a levelling down attitude where everybody is treated badly. That seems to be the Australian idea of equality. Treat everyone like a Joe Blythe. Exactly. It needs unwrapping.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Can I just take us briefly over into the OW? Wayne Hemingway went to see your show on Thursday. He just said he'd really love it if you could do a small meet and greet afterwards. Future. No, that's not Frank's way.

Seven, five, five. The holder for a flag when you carry it is called a strop. Oh. That kind of flag. Lady flag, I imagine. Yeah, pretty good. Oh. A flag. A lady flag, I imagine. Yeah, pretty good. It's good stuff.

You say very good, but you said it in the tone of voice when you said to Pierre you had to be there. Okay. Okay? One, six, two. It'll work for a Norwegian wedding. Yeah.

That'll be what people say on the circuit now. Yeah. Save it for a Norwegian wedding, mate. One, six... That'll be a circuit now. Yeah. Save it for a Norwegian wedding, mate. One sec. That'll be a heckle. Yeah.

Hey, it's not a Norwegian. Yeah, all right. All right, mate. What do you think this is, a Norwegian wedding? Exactly. Get that man out of here. That was like when I worked for an editor, an Australian editor,

who was one of the strictest women I ever worked for. And I suggested an idea. It was a magazine called You Magazine, supplement. And she said, I said, what about this idea? And she went, let's leave that to the Guardian, shall we? Next. Oh, man. That was the biggest insult she could muster up. I think it reminds me of I was doing a three-show series

and I had an earpiece in. And we'd had a meeting with the commissioner. They said, what we'll do, we'll do the three shows. Don't do anything that says which is the first show. And then we'll put them in the order best first, second, best second. I said, we'll do it. I said, fair enough. So I was interviewing someone, and they referred to something that I'd done on a previous,

I'd done on a previous show they didn't know about. And I was going to mention, and then I thought, oh, I don't know what order these are going out in. And a voice in my ear said, you can mention it. This will be the last show. Oh, wee. Okay. God.

And now I have to carry on with that on my shoulders. Oh, dear. Okay, I will just take us briefly back to flags. So we've got 755 claims they're called a strop. OK, I will just take us briefly back to flags. So we've got 755 claims. They're called a strop.

162, Frank as a standard bearer for a branch of the RBL. The standard is held in a carrier. That's either from Chris Gill-Scorton in North Yorkshire or from Chris Gill, Skorton, North Yorkshire. Oh, I see, I see. Carrier. What's the RBL? Is that Royal British Legion? Oh, yes, I see.

Oh, Pierre. You know, we used to drink at the Royal British Legion when we was about 16. And it was like 9p a pint it was like really cheap and we always used to say you know those blokes who joined the French Foreign Legion to forget

could have forgot much quicker in the Royal British Legion and for less money Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We were talking about Katy Perry being not recognised by an Australian waitress and then rewarding her with a large tip. See, that was her mistake. What she was thinking of is, well, I believe in equality and socialism, in fact. And this woman has expressed that. But the woman just didn't recognise that.

It's a completely different scenario. Had she recognised it, presumably she'd got the specialist treatment. Yes. So she's being rewarded for not recognising Katy Perry. It's the very antithesis of the Buzzcocks identity parade round. You are rewarded if you don't recognise the person from the music video. That's true.

She should only have been rewarded if she'd said, look here, Perry, there aren't any tables. Yeah, if she'd said, you know, don't come in here with your pop star ego and something like that, then she wouldn't have rewarded her almost certainly. And that would have been like one of the sort of medieval morality tales

where it turns out you were speaking to the king the whole time. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Exactly. Well, it's secret millionaire boss or whatever that thing is. That's the sort of thing that's going on. Yes. But the hat as well.

The hat. I thought this might come up. She wore an enormous crocheted hat in order to not be noticed. All she needed was a flashing insignia on the hat that said incognito to have made it absolutely perfect. I mean, who would not look at a person

in an enormous crocheted hat? This is the problem with being a celebrity who lives in LA. Everyone around you is so outlandish and bizarre that your idea of camouflage becomes perverse. And what about... That'll be one of a hundred crocheted enormous hats I imagine. Many sided glasses as well. I would say not just hexagonal, but what's 12, Pierre?

What's a lot of sides on an object? A lot of sides? I don't know if that's a mathematical... Multiagonal, I was guessing. Okay, lovely. I'm guessing here. They were very... Multiagonal, that's what you are.

They were very look at me, the show. Yes. What would you do... Polyagonal, that's what you are. They were very look at me, the show. Yes. What would you do? Polyagonal, sorry. Thank you, Peter. In that situation though, Frank, I did think of you when I read this. Yeah. Because I've been into restaurants with you.

You are generally, I mean, you are something of a national treasure, so you do get recognized fairly regularly but i've been with you i think maybe a couple of times when they haven't you know they've done a bit of a kp yeah you've been all right with it which surprised me i'm not going to lie i'm look i'm not going to pretend that if if they can't find a table and they recognize you then you'll get a table often that's a good thing but if you don't get recognized i can't find a table and they recognise you, then you'll get a table often. That's a good thing. But if you don't get recognised, I can't get out my showreel. So, yeah, you just have to live with that.

You say that, but you did once point to your face as you passed. Yeah, that was a bad thing. That was at a football thing where the guys had never got your pass. I actually went, I fumbled in my pockets for the pass I knew I didn't have. And then I said, pointed at my face and said, oh, here it is. I mean, it is outrageous. That was poor behaviour, but it worked. It did get me in, but it was shocking.

Did you give him an enormous tip? No, I've never given anyone an enormous tip in my life. I hate tipping in all its manifestations. I do it, but it makes me nervous and I have to do maths. Yes, that's true. Oh, God. Just charge me a bit extra. You know, it's fine.

No, but I've tried, you know, I had all those years of not even going into restaurants. When I first started going into restaurants, posh restaurants, and I used to feel incredibly intimidated by the staff and everyone else. But I think 80s earn the right to get a table if there's one around.

Yeah. Anyway, that's that story. Do you think that you get treated like a god in America if you're even moderately famous? And so they just... I think I like the American celebrities who enjoy being treated badly more than I like the ones that want to be treated like gods.

Well, Elton John once said to me that he's treated like a god in America and then he'd come back and there'd be a British newspaper on the plane that called him like a four-eyed fat idiot and he'd think, oh, thank goodness for that. Bit of levelling. Obviously I didn't believe a damn word. Anyway, I'm going to do the plug.

Episode five of my poetry podcast will be available on Wednesday. And it's Emily Dickinson this week. I'm named after her, thank you. Are you really? I love her. David Dickinson, I think, was named after her as well. Catch up on all the previous episodes

from wherever you get your podcasts. I read that. I don't know if you could tell I was reading the last bit. So thank you. Thanks, Pierre. Great to see you as ever. Pleasure, thank you. And you know. Great to see you as ever. Pleasure. Thank you.

And you know what? The law, if the good, oh, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.