The Frank Skinner Show - Bordoodle

Episode Date: April 17, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank was away this week, so Emily was in the host’s seat and we were joined by Gareth Richards. Emily has received some shade about Ray’s appearance, Alun has been has made a friend on eBay and Gareth’s good-looking brother has won a BAFTA. The team also discuss a giant Monopoly board, Gemma Collins as Bond and Tudor punishments.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Good morning! This is the Frank Skinner Show. Our esteemed leader is sadly not with us this week. So I think we should think of today like a Happy Mondays gig, as if Bez was running the show. Do we all feel comfortable with that? Yeah, I'm enjoying your vibes. It's a great analogy.

Well, you would say that, our man in Manchester. I have two very special friends joining me this week. Does that sound a bit Charlie Sheen and the Goddesses? I like that. Well, of course you do. Our fabulous man in the north. Whose phone was that? It wasn't mine.

It was my iPad, I think. Your iPad. I love that you're so casual and unapologetic. I'd say, oh, sorry, sorry. You just confidently said... I can't wait to not do it. You said, it was my iPad, I think. Anyway, Alan Cockrell-Cochran is here.

I might play a jingle for you, Cockrell. Morning. In the midst of Cockren. I see what you think. I don't know if I should laugh at our own jingles, but that is absolutely brilliant. And our man from the coastal resort of Bournemouth the marvellous Gareth Richards

good morning Tokyo Happy to be seeing you Happy to be seeing you Good morning, Tokyo. I do apologise. That was the only jingle I could find. But I think we can all agree... Oh, my God, it's gone again. Please turn your iPad off. Alan's working from home, by the way, today, isn't he?

That's why we're not smashing his iPad, because we can't get to it. Do you know what this feels like? This is very... Alan's in the home, by the way, today, isn't he? That's why we're not smashing his iPad, because we can't get to it. Do you know what this feels like? This is very... Alan's in the bath, I imagine. What do you think? Big bubble bath. This feels very supply teacher. You know when the kids just think, oh, I'll bring my phone out.

It's only her. She lets us do the lessons outside. She lets us do anything. Yeah, while the cat's away, my mouse will bet his iPad beep. I love that expression. Have I done all my business? Okay. So, good morning, gents. Good morning, Emily.

Morning. How are you? I'm great. How do you feel about gents? Is it a bit boxing referee? I liked it. Yeah, good. Well, you would, Al.

Of course you would Al of course you would I have to talk to you about something both of you that happened this morning I'm a bit troubled by it and I wanted to get your take on it did I introduce myself? I'm a little bit troubled

and I wanted to get your take on it essentially something happened this morning and I'm not sure can I check is Frank listening to this by the way no good I took my dog out

for what I'll call his early morning comfort break are you with me yeah yeah I have a command phrase for that. Would you like to know what it is? Yes.

If it's broadcastable, yeah. Well, we'll soon find out. What if it works on us, though, Al? Yeah. That's the danger. Well, I'm at home, so I'm all right, Jack. Oh, yeah. You're in the bathroom, so you're fine.

Actually, he's in the cellar, so it'll all be easy to clean up. Exactly. Do you want to hear my command phrase for my dog's comfort break? Sure. Here we go. I hope he's not listening at home.

It's going to be a nightmare when I get back. Here we go, everyone. Come on, toilet, please. I'll do it again. Come on, toilet, please. Okay. It's quite straightforward. It's not fancy is it al well i felt a stirring it's effective yeah anyway he was taking his time coming on toilet please so i got slightly impatient with him and i swear i found myself saying as he was doing it and possibly i was thinking of the show i don't know what was going on but i honestly found myself saying come on frank

oh no freudian slip you're used to when you're trying to make Frank go on the show. I mean, I sort of think mistaking your dog for a dear friend and boss is strange enough. But doing it during such a deeply private moment. Yeah. What I'm saying, is it worrying that i called my dog frank frank's on absolute radio i'm here with the boys gareth richards and alan cochran

i want to talk to you both this morning. We were discussing my dog just now and me calling him Frank. Apologies, Frank, if you're listening. I would like to stay on a dog-related theme, if you're both OK with that. I'm fine. Yep. If you don't like dog content, by the way, I apologise.

I mean, I say that. I don't at all apologise. If you don't like dog content, you're cancelled. I need to share something with the group, as I've had a little bit of shade thrown Raymond's way recently, and I want your respective hot takes on it. OK? Mm-hm. Alan, you're a dog owner.

Gareth? I am, yeah. That's an area you're sadly lacking in yeah no dogs do you not like dogs I'm a bit allergic to dogs but I have thought about getting a dog recently oh have you

what would you go for I like um Bordoodles which is like are they made up no it's a Bordoodle something have you heard of that Al yeah which is like a border collie are they made up? no it's a boar doodle something

have you heard of that Al? yeah I like imaginary dogs as well a boar doodle crossed with I prefer imaginary dragons say again

boar doodle boar doodle yeah I think so like a boar doodle crossed with a poodle is a boar doodle a thing? 8, 12, 15

so they're black and white you know like sheep dogs but fluffier is this right? crossed with a poodle. Is a boar doodle a thing? 8, 12, 15. So they're black and white, you know, like sheepdogs but fluffier. Is this right? Well, I never did believe that. Al, are you surprised by this? I am, yeah. You don't sound surprised.

You sound bored. I'm trying desperately not to do a joke about having a black and white dog being cheaper for a licence. It's a cheaper dog licence. That would have been good. Have a go. I don't think people pay less for a black and white TV licence anymore. It's so behind the curve. No, there's no such thing. You know, we have to remember some young people might be listening to this.

In case you've got a black and white laptop for iPlayer. Exactly. It's always nice when you're about to try out some material and a comic colleague says, go on, have a go. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine with that. Anyway. That was the bit I was fine with. Well, you get on with Googling your board doodles

and I will, I mean, I'll address both of you but but you know i want alan's take on this because i interviewed the the comedian jeff norcott this week who's charming in fact i'm going to go so far as to say adorable but when i held raymond up on the zooms for him to have a look and I waited for the customary, oh, your dog is amazing. Because I'm quite spoiled having such an extraordinarily handsome and cute dog. It must be what it's like being a supermodel. If someone doesn't say, wow, every time you walk down the stairs, it must be a horrible feeling.

So I held him up on the Zooms, paused. Do you know what he said? Geoff said, he looks a bit evil. Evil? Wow. He went evil. Evil. Not a bit naughty, a bit mischievous. A bit naughty, like a West Ham fan or something. A bit naughty.

He said Raymond looked evil. I mean... Speechless. Alan. I'm going to give a thought. I mean... Speechless. Alan. I'm going to give a thought.

Is this... Are you both... What you're both finding awkward now is that we all know dogs are meant to look like their owners. Anyway, I said to him, he's not evil. Why do you think he's evil? He said he's got a weird hairdo and red eyes.

I said, that's me. I've been in lockdown, love. No, but I didn't... I just want to know what to make of this. Because I want to know if... What sort of comments... I mean, how would you feel if someone said your dog looked evil? I think when someone introduces you to their dog or their baby,

evil is a word you avoid. Just for courtesy, I think. It should be way lower down on the Rolodex options. I'm Emily Dean. I'm in for Frank Skinner. I'm with Alan Cochran. I'm with Gareth Richards. And we're talking about whether my dog looks evil.

Because apparently he is. Or he looks that way. Yes. Jeff Norcott said your dog looked evil. Yeah. We've had a couple of texts in from the outside world. 441 said this. I mean, this is going back to the start of the show.

Yes, it is weird to call your dog Frank Because you accidentally called your dog Frank Whilst getting him to perform acts for you I tried to use a euphemism And I made it sound worse somehow You absolutely did Can we just clarify For avoidance of all doubt,

it was a bathroom break, which I appreciate doesn't make it that much better, but it makes it slightly better. Yes, it's weird to call your dog Frank. When I used to work in a gaming store in the late 90s, my manager nicknamed me Peanut. Oh, I can breathe out now. I actually thought I was going to vomit there, Alan.

It stuck for ages until he accidentally called his wife Peanut. He had to stop because she liked it so much and he couldn't tell her it was me he was referring to. Also, I don't like that you've been... Who is that from, sorry? Do we have some sort of moniker? No, 441. No, that's their name.

Or Peanut. Or Peanut. Oh, yeah okay yeah peanut it's peanut 441 i don't like that they've dragged you in to their intimate moments twisted love triangle yes it's like when someone has when someone has a pet name for their partner, I'm sure you both have those names. I won't ask you to share them with us on air. I will. But I don't like it. When I hear that, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I only refer to my wife as Mrs Cochran. Of course you do. Yeah. Do you have a pet name? Or would you rather not share that with us, Gareth?

I don't have any pets of my wife. No, not really. We've also heard that Gareth is not making up the dog Bordadoodles. Is that what he said? I said Bordoodles. No, he said B-doodle. Which sounded a bit like bordello.

But 329 has texted, good morning, we came across a litter of border doodles in the vets this week. Adorable. We want one. We have an Irish doodle. How many different types of doodle are there? I thought

anyway, that was Celia. If you get anything together with a poodle, it turns out they're not picky. Is that right? Fair play to them. Celia says she's en route to work testing eyes. It's good that somebody makes a job out of that. I just do that as a hobby. Oh.

Can you imagine doing that as a job? Is that an optometrist, is it? Yeah, I have a friend who's one, actually. Can you imagine the amount of should-have-gone-to-spec-savers you want your eyes tested? I mean, it's hardly worth doing the job for that amount of material that would be thrown your way. Also, I'm in charge of the emails today,

and we've had an email, good morning, I won a mug on the breakfast show back in November and I still have not received it. I understand you had a supply problem due to post and covid but i was wondering if i would still be getting the mug keep up the work love absolute 80s now am i supposed to be across this sort of thing while i'm in the studio shall i pack these boxes i'm more concerned um although i should say delighted, that someone has changed their name by deed poll to Absolute Aces in order to listen to the show. We'll be looking into that breaking news with the mug right now. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Hello, boys. I was just talking, well, I've been talking all morning, I haven't shut up about it, about the fact that my dog was referred to as evil. I had a little bit more shade thrown his way. Do you fancy hearing about it? Yes, please. You're going to anyway.

I went to the hairdressers for the first time in several months this week and they adhered to all the guidelines, it's okay. Not just plastic visors, the stylists wore. I had to don a white plastic tunic. I mean, it was very Citizens of Ancient Rome, the tunic. But there was no, the hem of the white plastic tunic. I had to punch my hands through it. Right.

It was sealed. Like the Hulk. So it's just to put your head through or your hands through. Yeah, and coincidentally, I had a tiny pair of jean shorts with frayed bottoms to push my head and fists through. I was very much like the Hulk. Now, I worry about Ray at the hairdressers because he does...

He certainly doesn't look evil, but he does look like hair sweepings. Yes. And I would be worried about him being gathered up with the rest of the hair sweeping. Is he gone? Has he been put into my bag? Where's Ray? I know what you

mean, but he doesn't leave my side. He's the toto to my Dorothy. He's the lassie to my man whose name utterly escapes me. I will not go anywhere without that dog. I'm the scarecrow. No brain.

Good for you. Alan's the tin man, definitely. No heart. No heart at all. Well, you say that. We're talking about having shade thrown away. You know that's the worst thing someone ever said I look like? What's that?

A man on holiday said, you know who you really remind me of? I said, who? He said, you know the tin Man in The Wizard of Oz? A lot of bronzer on that day, did you? My sister tried to make me feel better. And she said, he has got really good eyebrows, the Tin Man. Fair play.

You're in a low place when that happens. Anyway, I'm at the hairdresser's with Raymond. And my hairdresser, who, again, is a charming man, he says, oh, he's so sweet. He said he's lost that puppy look, though, hasn't he? Haven't we all, mate? Time is cruel. I'm starting to lose that loving feeling towards you as well.

So he said he's lost that puppy look. And I tried not to keep my voice arch. No, you screamed and screamed, didn't you? We know you. I said, has he? He said, yeah. I said, oh, what do you mean? He said, yeah.

I said, oh, what do you mean? He said, he's just... He just looks a little older. Oh, no. OK. I feel sick. I feel physically sick. We'll find out what happened in a bit. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute Radio. We'll find out what happened in a bit. We're talking this morning about all sorts, but we've been specifically focusing on shade being thrown my dog's way. I should say, at the hairdressers, after my hairdresser said that Ray looked older i decided to forgive him that's merciful of you well he had bleach in his hands at the time i'm no fool and i wanted to get my highlights tint and balayage sorted yeah so short term forgive him him, later on mention it on the radio. That could be my autobiography title. I like that neither of you picked up on balayage and both pretended that you understood what it meant.

I don't know what a balayage is. It's not a balayage. I need to get my balayage sorted out, actually. Shall I tell you? No, I haven't got the time. OK. Gareth, I would like to come to you because, Al, are you aware that Gareth got a mention this week on the BAFTAs?

I would like to say it would happen again, but I suspect it is probably the first and last time someone with the name Gareth is ever referred to in a BAFTA speech How dare you Gareth It was extraordinary

For long term listeners of the show my good looking brother Joshua and a BAFTA Excuse me It was extraordinary Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Excuse me? Prouder. It was extraordinary. Congratulations. Congratulations. How did you feel?

High five. We're extremely proud. You know, some people have to struggle through life with devastating good looks and they never know what life is going to throw at them next turns out awards massive massive awards we should say it was for best cinematography so a proper one as well that's right so um the film nomadland, which is winning, like doing really well,

it was directed by his girlfriend, Chloe Zhao, and they make movies together. Wow. They make sort of drama documentaries where they go into a community and they mix professional actors with real people. And the latest one is that. They should make one about a radio show.

It's very exciting. And what I liked, Al, I was watching this, as you can imagine, I was somewhat gripped, when they said the winner is Joshua James Richards. He's even got three, I hope Gareth can't hear this. He's even got three... I hope Gareth can't hear this. He's even got three names. He's got three better names than me.

I've got Richards, but yes, Joshua James. And he went on to thank you, though, which I found very touching. That's nice. No, it was lovely. And it was inclusive for Gareth everywhere he kind of said that home is

something about as Morrissey quote home is in your heart or something I don't know it wasn't that one something about home and then he said and my family mentioned my mum and dad John and Mary and then Gareth and Joel and dad, John and Mary,

and then Gareth and Joel, and he said that we are his home. Isn't that lovely? So hopefully he'll start returning our calls. And listen, I just want to say, I think you're both handsome. Oh, thank you for the tone in which you said that. Do you know what? Many would disagree, but I think you're handsome as well. I think you should get a BAFTA as... I think you should get a BAFTA as best brother of a cinematographer, Gareth.

That's what I think. Thank you, Alan. That means a lot. And look, some people, it depends what you're into, some people are after BAFTA winning cinematographers who look like Calvin Klein models. That's fine.

Okay? Yeah, and some people know they're not going to achieve that and they can settle for someone who looks like me. This is Emily Dean. I'm in for Frank Skinner. I is Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm in for Frank Skinner. I'm with Gareth Richards. I'm also with our man in the north, Alan Cockrell-Cochran. Gareth, have we heard from any of our loyal or disloyal readers?

Yes, the Twitter line is ablaze. We've had lots of tweets in. The question, what's the worst thing anyone's ever said about your dog? Is the question. Well, we know what mine is. Billy Bob Shorten, is your dog a pure breed beagle? Yes. No, I don't think it is.

Somebody. Wow. Death eater. Dog death eater dog death eater obsessed with pure blood of dogs Kate Quirst someone said to her no cursed

I don't know what her name is it's just a dog it's just a dog and she says yeah I can't properly describe the facial expression this was said with, but it was pretty much friendship ending. It's just a dog. Oh, someone said to her it's just a dog.

Yeah, the worst thing that anyone had ever said about her dog. It's just a dog. Oh, dear. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I don't like that. Well, I've seen one here. What's this one? Josh Jeffrey.

I thought sausage dogs were thinner than that. Don't fat shame a sausage dog. You'll never get that with Lucky. Well, actually, I get the opposite of that. When we first got Lucky... My dog is a... When we first got Lucky, don't tell that story, Alan. Congratulations.

And you'll be late. It's an unintended joke there, by the way. When I first got lucky, don't tell that story, Alan. Congratulations and jubilation. Unintended joke there, by the way. I love that Alan has a dog called Lucky because he does get to say regularly, when I first got lucky. And I get to say, when did you get lucky? Normally when Mrs Cockpool is standing there. I had completely forgotten that possible joke there.

I completely forgot that. But when we first had this dog, a Whippet, I was in the field and chatting to another dog owner and they sort of leaned in conspiratorially and said, don't let her get fat, will you? They don't suit getting fat Whippets. That's what they said. And it is true, they don't suit getting fat Whippets,

but I used to do stand-up material about how I said it to a bloke with his daughter, but it's only about whippets that you're really meant to say it. Yes. Context is everything. They do seem to be the sort of inspiration of the dog world, don't they? I think, yeah, I mean, I've seen your dog, and I have to say she has a lovely pair of pins. She's lovely. Yeah. I don't know dog, and I have to say, she has a lovely pair of pins. She's lovely.

Yeah, I don't know if it's still acceptable to say that, but, you know, as that woman's passerby said, it's just a dog. Can we return to the subject of Gareth's... Oh, you want to talk more about my brother? Yeah. Goodness sake. Do you remember...

OK, that's fine. Do you remember several years ago, I happened to be in New York when your brother was at NYU. That's right, yeah. And you said, oh, that'll be nice. You can meet up with him. What happened, Gareth? Yeah, he stood you up, didn't he?

He was meant to meet me. And do you know what Gareth's excuse to me was, Alan? No. Gareth, do you want to say... He's too good-looking to get up, probably. That say he's probably he's too good looking to get up probably that's the thing when you're too good looking you don't have to make an effort for things and people like are probably quite angry with you until you turn up and then they look at your face and they go well silly i've had i mean i i feel i'm soaking up the praise from Joshua James Richards because of my association with you.

I've had several people comment. I had someone say, it's his teeth, though. He said he came on screen, his teeth are extraordinary. Why is this guy behind the camera? He's got great teeth. Yeah, why is he behind the camera he's got great teeth yeah why is he behind the camera because he's sickeningly modest oh no

and power crazed he's not just a pretty face no so it all went I think I need to know more details what happened in the house? Well, we linked up via FaceTime with my mum and dad and my brother and sister-in-law.

The problem is, the mistake that Josh has made family-wise... Hang on. I'm going to have to leave us hanging on that tease because I always love it when we get to a mistake that Josh has made. It turns out Joshua James Richards is capable of a mistake. Find out what that was in a bit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are discussing, I left us on something of a teaser prior to that track. Gareth, Joshua James Richards richards your bafta winning brother

he made a mistake yes what i was saying is the mistake was because because we all got together as a family to watch the baftas the problem is he's been too successful to garner the proper praise from his family because my mum doesn't really understand what a BAFTA is you know it's not in her world she's got you see

no but your mum would have been very impressed with BAFTA probably jealous and tried to destroy you. But, no, Josh, like, is... And also, by the way, everyone, he's nominated for the Oscars as well. He's Best Cinematographer for the Oscars

and it's Best Movie and everything. But it's gone over my mum's head. Like, she doesn't... It doesn't mean anything to her. If she had, like, you know. If she had done something more local, she'd be more impressed. So what was the response? She's just a bit bemused by it. She got dressed up. My mum and dad had got dressed up and looked a bit like...

When we got married, there were these two strange people who had come from Ascot, and they were, like, weirdly overdressed, and they gay-crashed our wedding. When you and... When me and Laura got married. And they looked very odd and out of place, and that's a bit like what my mum and dad looked like dressed up for the BAFTAs, and a bit confused

and a bit detached from what was going on, because they didn't really... And what about your dad? Did he have any words of wisdom? My dad had some notes for the production of the BAFTAs. He had some tips. Can I just say, remind you of anyone we know who can't be with us today? Frank would have had notes.

Frank would have definitely had notes. But yeah, how did you feel about the production of The BAFTAs? Did you have any favourite moments? In general, I'll tell you what I liked. I loved, I particularly liked Daniel Kaluuya. Are you familiar with him, Al? Yes, from Get Out.

I know his work. Well, I know his work, but I'm not interested in that. What I'm interested in is his bookcase, which I got to examine quite forensically. Because obviously they're doing the Zooms now. You can check out the gaff. What I loved is he had a bookcase. Lovely stone.

You all right there, Al? Yes, sorry. There are problems in the cellar. Grey stained wood, far and ball. And he had on the book on the bookshelf a pipe collection pipes excellent he had pipes i mean how brilliant is that i think you would only have a pipe collection it's the sort of thing i can imagine frank having so that if someone says put that in your pipe and smoke it you can say sure, okay He did say he was chilling, what sort of pipes was it?

Oh like those sort of old fashioned old worldy pipes Elementary my dear Holmes Is it my dear Watson or my dear Holmes? Watson He also had a book called As a Man

Thinketh Yes I zoomed in on it It was a slow week for me had a book called As a Man Thinketh. Yes, I zoomed in on it. It was a slow week for me. How am I? You paid a lot of attention to this bookshelf. I paid a lot of attention. I googled it. It's a self-help book.

That sounds quite medieval. And it's a self-help book written in 1903. Wow. What do you think of that, Al? I think it's a self-help book written in 1903. Wow. What do you think of that, Al? I think it's great. Well, apparently it was advertised with this strap line. It says the price of the book is only one shilling and it can be carried in the pocket.

Like it. Perfect. I'm all out of shillings, sadly, and my pockets are full of dog treats, so it's not much use to me. But I liked... Oh, I'll tell you my favourite thing. It was the Korean actor.

Oh, yes. Who said... Is it Yeo Jong-yoon, who said, I'm a Korean actor, and this is a very special honour to get this from you, because I know British people, you are very snobbish. Yeah. They were such a snobbish people

so she was honoured. To be fair lovely. She's kind of nailed us. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So we've had a tweet from Ian Stuart Dootson, who says, I think Divine Miss M's... Is that OK? Yeah.

I'm doing this like Scottish. It sounds like a Scottish name. I guess it does. I think Divine Miss M's Frank Raymond toilet time misnomer, this is when Raymond was going to the toilet, you accidentally called him Frank by mistake, is both understandable and forgivable. It's a bit like calling your teacher mum, which I think they quite like, actually, I think. that you accidentally called him Frank by mistake, is both understandable and forgivable.

It's a bit like calling your teacher Mum, which I think they quite like, actually, I think, or calling your mum Mrs Badcrumble, which I think they did not. Or if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg, calling your teacher Nanny. We've all done it, dear. Thank you so much for that, Ian. I like you. You're my kind of man. I'd like to go over to our man in the north, the cockerel.

Well, I'd like to bring up a news story that has caught my eye, if I may use some radio lingo there. It's caught the cockerel's eye? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you guys have ever moved house and then had to put your own mark on the new home. Can I say not in a Raymond slash Frank way? No, I mean like decorating. We have done this and we've never ever discovered anything... Oh. The nearest to that was... What?

We lost you, caller. Hello, can you come in, please? Manchester. Yeah, can you still hear me? Well, we just had a bit of interruption, but I quite liked it because it sounded very exciting like the sort of Eurovision Song Contest 1977. I think it's unlikely to be a good thing isn't it? Are we okay now? We're fine we're fine. Continue as you were please Luxembourg. I was just going to say I've never found anything particularly exciting in a

new home that we've been decorating. The nearest to it was my wife was once reaching under a bath that we were about to rip out and do the bathroom up. And she saw a tub, like a mysterious tub. And she pulled the tub thinking it was old face cream or old something or other. face cream or old something or other. And the tub was full of water with some false teeth in it that came out and slid towards her in a sort of a cartoonish style. And that's literally the best thing we've ever found in a house. But this news story...

Hold on to them. You never know when they're going to come in handy. I'm wearing them now, Gary. Brilliant. That's probably why I dropped off the line for a minute. I accidentally munched through the cable with them. Do people still wear false teeth? 8, 12, 15.

I'm sure the answer's yes, but it's a good texting. I would genuinely want to know that because I assume everyone just gets dental implants now. You assumed wrong, Emily. I'm sorry. Sorry to burst your bubble. But what I really wanted to discuss is the news story that somebody's pulled up an old carpet in their house and found a giant Monopoly board on the floor underneath the carpet.

Amazing. I thought for a minute, I have to be honest, Al, that story was going to end with what I really want to discuss is the fact that someone's pulled up an old carpet in their house. So they found a Monopoly board underneath.

So it's like, I think I saw pictures of this. Is it sort of life size, essentially? Yeah, it's the size of the, I suppose, living room floor room floor well not life size because you know monopoly is based on actual streets so yeah it's not the size in a sense we are now on a big monopoly board in central london yeah because you know that is what it's based on for the uk so they have the squares on the floor, don't they? Yeah.

And presumably you move around the game as a literal physical token, don't you? Yeah, I don't know. So I could be the dog, and you could be the old boot, Gareth. Yes, thank you. And Alan... I'd be the hat.

Top hat, maybe? I think I might be the iron. I think they retired the iron. Did they? You know, they call it retirement with the Monopoly pieces. Do they? They say we... I don't know if they still have the iron.

I think the thimble was definitely removed. Oh, that's a thimble of our times. I mean, I don't think we're going to better that, frankly, this link. I really don't think we're going to better that, frankly, this link. I really don't. We're talking about the Monopoly board that someone found on their floor.

I mean, that doesn't sound like much of a story. We don't mean an actual Monopoly board. We mean it was painted onto the floor of a house they bought. Yeah. You'd think if you were going to rip up a carpet and find a board game on the floor, it would be chess or drafts, just black and white tiles. Oh, Twister in my community, I'm afraid.

Is that right? Yeah. Your community? Yeah. My parents' community, let's leave it leave it there oh i see what about when i played twister with the later richard whiteley wow did you he's charming man he had socks on you tell us what about when you played twister with richard whiteley well I just remember I had, he had socks on and I chose to go barefoot. And other clothes?

Yes. Okay, good. Yes, I chose to go barefoot. So it was a different storm. I just wasn't sure how I felt about socks on the Twister board. I think you've got an unfair advantage in that case. Oh, do you? Yeah.

Because I have more purchase. I mean, there are no rules about weather, but I think that was a very canny choice you made there. Thank you. Lovely compliment. Did you just play the once

or was he really twice nightly-whitely? Just the once. That was his nickname. Okay, okay. So a house with a Monopoly board on the floor. What are they,

Jenga bricks? Is it built with Jenga bricks? Is there a donkey in the kitchen to hang all the they Jenga bricks? Is it built with Jenga bricks? Is there a donkey in the kitchen to hang all the pots and pans on? What's that? Buckaroo. Oh, I've never played that. Oh, you see I'm not pushing enough for him.

Buckaroo? What is Buckaroo? Oh, it's a game of skill and strategy. But you're right, though. The idea of them having... You see, that worries me. Operation, I would draw the line at.

Yeah, operation. I don't want people performing surgery on me in real time. The thing about this Monopoly game... Oh, I think that was my stomach. Is that your stomach? It's mine. Oh, was it yours, Alan? Yeah.

Oh. Congratulations and jubilations. your stomach? It's mine. Oh, is it yours, Alan? Yeah. Aww. Congratulations and jubilations. Yeah, sounded healthy, Alan, I think. That's a good sign. I think there's a bubbling around there. I'm not a fan of Monopoly. No, I hate Monopoly. Why? I've never had a satisfying

game of Monopoly. Why is it a fun game? A game that always ends with most people's financial ruin. The slow collapse of your empire, having to mortgage things and, like, borrow, like, just the slow panic of financial failure. Why do we like that? And you mortgage things.

Yeah, you mortgage. Do you know what? And also, people don't play all the... Have you ever done an auction in Monopoly? No. Do you know if you don't buy the thing, you are supposed to auction it? No-one does this. No-one auctions in Monopoly. Oh, that's interesting.

Gareth, we love you. We're with you. We're here for you. Well, also, I know what you mean. It is essentially based on the premise of creating a housing shortage, is essentially based on the premise of creating a housing shortage, prizing rent out of people, and then sending people to jail. Yeah, it's capitalism. It's capitalism in the game, or monopoly. Do you know the Monopoly Man has got a name?

Did you know this, Sam? No. Do you know what he's called? No. He's called Rich Uncle Pennybags. Oh, I like that. That's what I'm going to call Frank next time. We're discussing the Monopoly board, aren't we? Yes, a Monopoly board was found under the carpet

when someone bought a new house. The thing that surprises me about this story is that it's from America, because it feels very... America? Americans? It feels quite Britain before we had Channel 4, to me. Somebody just sat there going,

it's a really boring life, isn't it? Should we paint a Monopoly board onto the floor? And then the floor is a useful board game platform. But America's always had so many TV channels that it's sort of surprising. I bet it's a cold place in America. Well, I think they are quite obsessed by leisure activities. Aren't they?

Oh, yes. Hey, you know you said a minute ago... They have different streets of Monopoly there. You know, you said a minute ago, Gareth, that you thought Monopoly was about capitalism. Interesting fact, guys.

Interesting fact coming up. Let's just do something to trail the interesting fact. Interesting fact. That might be interesting fact. Interesting fact. That might be better after it. Interesting fact. It was actually invented by a woman who wanted to critique capitalism. Originally, it had two sets of rules.

One that was about trying to raise everybody that was playing the game up in terms of material wealth and the other one was the ones that we now know as monopoly and the idea got nicked off her and and then they just made it with one set of rules the capitalist rules and decided to call mr monopoly which uncle penny bags yeah that's so interesting so that explains why monopoly does Monopoly, which Uncle Pennybags. Yeah, I understand him. That's so interesting. So that explains why Monopoly does descend into just a crushing bore at the end, because it's

about the meaninglessness of everything. It seems like, the things with Monopoly, it seems like such a good idea before you're playing Monopoly. The idea at the start of Monopoly, you feel so full of hope. And then throughout the game, it's just such an old lie. It's so pointless and meaningless, all of it.

I like it when links have an existential gloom. It's what I'm here for, guys. It's what I'm here for. I mean, that's how I feel the rest of the week, but I suppress it for this radio show but you probably I'm loving the existentialism this morning existentialism

on Absolute Radio can I tell you I always had an issue as well with the man in jail I mean specifically the Monopoly man in jail

called I believe he's called Jake the Jailbird do you know everyone's names I'm quite obsessed with my Monopoly man in jail, called, I believe he's called Jake the Jailbird. How do you know everyone's names? I'm quite obsessed by Monopoly. Because he always reminded me... Jake the Jailbird? Of, that's...

Is he related to Rich Uncle Pennybags? Well, I don't know. But I always think he... Is that what he used to call Richard Whiteley? Do you remember? He was clutching onto the bars. Yes. He was a bit Edvard Munch's The Scream.

He was quite a disturbing character. Do you remember Jake the Jailbird, Alan? Yes. You sound that in a slightly defensive way, as if you knew him personally. I just feel like he deserves a second chance. It's true. Is incarceration really the answer?

All I can say, having seen Jake the jailbird, is I felt he came across as though he was in there for crimes somewhat more serious than not paying rent. Shall we just leave it there? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio. Sadly, Frank is not with us today. We miss him and we love him and we look forward to seeing him soon.

And Frank will be back, right? There was a listener earlier who was concerned that the creeks had risen. Oh, no, no. The creeks haven't risen, it's fine. The creeks are all in one place. They've been bubbling near the top recentlyaks haven't risen. It's fine. The creaks are all in one place. They've been bubbling near the top recently,

haven't they? But not yet. Have we had any outside world? We have. We've had some. Go on, Alan. As an outside world

I should say, I'm with Alan Cochran and I was going to say Frank Skinner. I'm with Alan Cochran and Gareth Richards. Alan is in the outside world,

isn't he? You're coming down the line from the sunny north. I'm in my Manchester cellar. He's the angel of the north It's been converted it's not as rugged as it might sound

I'd like to thank Ben Harrington while I get the chance because I recently discussed on this show that I didn't know how to alter my zoom backdrop you know some very tech savvy comedians have uh backdrops when they're doing zoom shows so they might have like a brick wall or a i don't know a new york skyline or something and i have nothing on their ego yeah exactly i don't like the New York skyline.

But Ben Harrington has sent me some glittery curtains saying these are all the backdrop you'll ever need. Like physical glittery curtains? Yeah, physical ones. He obviously realises that I'm so rubbish at tech that he better send me actual 3D. He does realise you're not presenting RuPaul's Drag Race. I think so rubbish at tech that you better send me actual 3D. He does realise you're not presenting RuPaul's Drag Race. I think so.

In a clerical error, it could happen. Imagine Al! I would love to see Alan on RuPaul's Drag Race. Have you ever watched RuPaul's Drag Race, Al? I haven't, no. I've only read about it. Surprise me. I think Jeff Goldblum said something that people were upset by. Can you imagine Al saying, a next up bag of chips?

I would love it if he did that. I would love it. I would love that. Kevin Keegan impression. Indeed. Lovely you doing a bit of football. Don't know where that came from. Are you a football fan?

No, I hate football. What about you up the road from the Cherries? Never. I hate football. Quite a deep part of my identity repelled by sport. Because I was never any good at it. I would like to see the alternative monopoly version of you know, the alternative Monopoly version of sport, where there's an alternative version where we all try and help each other.

He's getting upset about Monopoly again. And, like, we try and help each team score an equal number of goals. That'd be nice. Oh, God, that sounds rubbish. I mean, that's... Well, just give some other people a chance, is all I'm saying. Did we get any more outside world? Oh, yeah. I was going to share this text, 158. Well, just give some other people a chance, is all I'm saying. Did we get any more outside world? Oh, yeah.

I was going to share this text, 158. Yes, we did. As you're talking about going back into a hair salon, my partner works in one, and a woman came in on Tuesday, actually, in labour. Goodness me. She said her contractions are six minutes apart, she has plenty of time,

and has been dying for an appointment for the last few months. I didn't want to lose it. Respect. Ton in Solihull. Do you know I really respect that woman? Yeah. I would. I admire that commitment.

You don't want to give birth with bad hair. You don't want to give birth without full balayage. I'm still not telling you what it is. I'd like you to wonder. I think my wife had a balayage in her birth. Did she? I don't know. I want to chat to you about a discovery I made this week

whilst Googling Tudor punishments. I'll check my diary, see if there's room. OK. But I think we're going to have to go over to an ad or music. Whatever happens in between us. Whatever happens. Whatever happens in between us. Whatever happens. Whatever these people do.

Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had teased you earlier with a Tudor punishment. Always teasing me. With a Tudor punishment. I don't know what you think of this. Sometimes I like. I'm a bit what you think of this. Sometimes I like. I'm a bit of a fan of horrible histories, obviously.

And you love Henry VIII, don't you? Well, as you know, I do. Animals in clothes? Obsessed. I do love Henry VIII. I do often find myself drawn towards, you know when it comes up... Damaged men. Yeah. It comes up... There's no point denying it now. Come on, love.

I think we all know. I do find that when I go to my Amazon page, if you like this, there's a lot of Tudor stuff there. Oh, yeah. And it was very, if you liked the rack, you know, because I like my Tudor punishments. I found this out. What do you both think of this? There was, we know about Tudor punishments. We all know about the stocks, the old favourites.

As comics, you'll be familiar with that concept. Dip someone in a boiling meaty fluid, the stocks. No, that's where you put your head and hands in, isn't it? That's the head. Yes. That's a sort of gentle punishment. Sorry for saying boiling meaty fluid. Yeah, I was pretending you hadn't, but thanks for reminding us.

I also am familiar with the Gossip's bridal. Are you familiar with that? No. That was exclusively for women. It was a large iron cage placed over the face of women who spoke, I quote, too freely. Oh, gosh. Nowadays, there'd be no one free from it, would there?

Eh? Can you imagine what I'd get? Things have got out of hand. I'd get sent one after this show. I think you two will need to... You'll already be wearing one, love. Well, the thing about the gossip's bridal to stop you speaking there was a spike that would emerge from it i'm honestly not joking

into the mouth if you start speaking to dissuade the lady from gossiping. Some listeners are finding this so hot. What do you think about the gossip bridal? Just to be clear, this was all suggested on your Amazon suggestions. No, it wasn't on my Amazon suggestions. I might have done some deep googling afterwards. I don't want to be the voice of

feminism, but I'm against the gossip's bridal. How? Listen to him. I don't want to be the voice of feminism, but I'm against the Gossip's Bridal. Yeah. How? Oh, listen to him. Political crap has gone mad over there. But there was balance, because as well as the Gossip's Bridal,

which was a cage over a... Let me remind you, placed over a woman's mouth who had spoken to freely with a spike that emerged every time she opened it to speak. Oh, someone's just walked in with the absolute gossip's bridle for you, Em. Oh, they have got one. They've got one in for you. That's from the absolute Tudor station. They're letting me borrow that.

There was also the drunkard's cloak are you familiar with this al no it sounds like a harry potter thing gone mad it was a punishment for being seen inebriated in public areas you literally You literally had to wear a wooden barrel on your trunk, essentially. Right. Your arms and legs poked through. And then you were paraded down the street wearing the wooden barrel whilst people came and jeered at you. So I think... One for the men, one for the women.

Although what if a woman went out and he'd been hated and is having to go around in the drunkard's cloak and the gossip's bridle? Yeah. You know, there'd be whole hen nights covered in them. Like, a whole hen night all parading around in a barrel and a gossip's bridle. I'm actually thinking this is a great idea for a theme party.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say, what's happened? Oh, I'll tell you. Gareth began that link. I wonder what the hysteria in the studio was about. Can I tell you what it was, Al? Please do. Gareth, for some extraordinary reason, which might be Freudian,

decided to begin that link by putting his mask on. OK, there we go. I got confused between my mask and my headphones. I knew I was supposed to put something on at the start of the link to be on the radio. And I got the wrong thing and put my mask on instead of my headphones. I've done the same. I'm wearing a hat now. You've got the Monopoly top hat.

Yeah. Rich, what was his name? Uncle Pennybags. Al, I would like to find out what's been happening with you. Well, it's interesting that you mentioned Amazon just a few moments ago for the online shopping. I've been doing, by the way, I was once very worried about what I had done to my Amazon algorithms when I purchased in one shop a motorcycle cover. The Norman, was it Norman Tebbet? Not Norman Tebbet. when I purchased in one shop a motorcycle cover, the Norman... Was it Norman Tebbet?

Not Norman Tebbet. Yeah, Norman Tebbet. You know he wrote a game cookery book. So I ordered that. Sorry, are we going to gloss over the bit where he said, I ordered that? I ordered that, the Norman Tebbit game cookbook. For yourself or as a gift? For myself.

And at the time the latest LCD sound system CD. Pretty weird combination of things. I don't know what it did to my algorithm. What did Norman Tebbit, did he have any suggestions for pheasant? Yeah, it was full of stuff like that.

That's exactly what it was. It's quite a niche market. I mean, I am saying this as a woman who's just been reading up on Tudor gossip bridles. Indeed. What else has been happening, Shea? I've been using a popular auction website. I'm fairly sure you'll know what I mean.

I'm a big fan of the auction part of it a lot of people go there and they go straight to the buy it now bit don't they but i'm a big fan of the jeopardy of possibly missing out on it and i like the countdown thing rush and yeah and i've bought um is this where we get our rushes now? That's depressing, isn't it? Exactly, there's nothing else happening, is there? So that's where I'm getting my thrills. I don't know where you guys are getting yours. So tell me what happens then.

I mean, there's a few things that I like about it. One of my favourite things about it is clicking on the seller's other items. Have you ever done that on there? No. Oh, man, it really throws up an odd snapshot of people's lives where you go oh this person's selling an oasis cd and seven wetsuits it's there's something weird about because you're only seeing a little slice of what people used to be

into you know somebody that's got a computer server and a roller skate for sale. It's just funny. But I bought a book on there on an auction. And it's tempting to think that the thing that you're going to buy is something that somebody no longer likes or wants. But I won this auction for this book. I'm going to admit it. It's a kettlebell training book that I wanted. I'm going to admit it, it's a kettlebell training book that I wanted. I was gone for five years. And quite an unusual one, but I thought,

oh, this person probably doesn't know that this book is any good and they're just selling it. You know, like sometimes booksellers, they're just selling books, they don't really know what the book is. And then when I won the auction, the person sent me... And I didn't say won in a very triumphant, self-congratulatory way, but when i won the auction the person said one in a very triumphant self-congratulatory when i won the auction i genuinely punched the air when i won the auction and this person sent me a like a message saying well done on winning the book it's really great

his books are really good and this is one of the best of his books. And I thought, oh, this is brilliant. This is real positivity that I need in my life because I don't bring that. And I was really tempted to reply saying, thanks very much for your positivity. Do you want to be friends? That would have been nice. How did you do that? I didn't, no, because I looked at where it was and I think it was like Cambridge or something and I thought it's not I'm I'm not at the right age for pen pal friendship. So do you have boundaries over do you have geography boundaries with friendship?

How far? Pen pals. You'd think that that would be the one area of life that there wouldn't be a geography boundary. But what do you say? Oh, well, that's nice. But you liked the sensation of the big win. Yeah, and I liked the positivity, and it did make me wonder, could I become friends with somebody on eBay? Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

I want to talk to you both, boys, about the JSA. Gemma Collins? Yes. We haven't addressed the JSA for a while on this show, and I'm a huge fan of hers. I should say she actually wants to hang up the moniker of the GC.

Did you realise this? I did not know that. Do you know who the GC is, Gav? Yes. OK, we're all friends here even if some of us do live someone pretended to be her on the circle i only really know about the okay yes jemma collins from it was the only way is essex that's right al isn't it? Towie. Towie. She said recently of being the GC, she said being the GC was fun, but it's a bit like with J-Lo. She didn't want to be called J-Lo anymore and that's like the GC. Did she not? No. Is J-Lo not J-Lo anymore? No. It's staggeringly similar.

But she likes to stir it up, doesn't she? I think she does it somewhat intentionally. Yeah. I think that's... She's a provocateur. Yeah. She said things like, I'm going to be the next Bear Grylls. Did she? She said, my book's going to be bigger than the Bible.

Sorry, Frank. Did she really? Yeah, she did. I'm sorry. And now she said she wants to become the next James Bond. Hang on a minute. Well, she's all you'd ever want. She's the kind I'd like to flaunt and take to the air.

She's a lady. She says she wants to be the next James Bond. Initially, she said it was because she'd love to do a job that's all about keeping secrets. And she said she'd like to be an international super spy. I'm not sure whether that's the official job description at MI5. I think it might be intelligence officer rather than international super spy. When did she say she'd like to keep secrets?

Is it in her new tell-all autobiography? Diva forever. Yeah. She does self-describe as a diva, which I'm not sure is what they want in an undercover operative. No. Somebody that might pick the diamond watch instead of the hidden camera watch is probably not what you want.

And she also said, I've got a licence to thrill, baby. I think she's getting her catchphrases confused with Kojak, I've got a licence to thrill, baby. I think she's getting her catchphrases confused with Kojak. Licence to kill, Gemma. She's changed the catchphrase. She said that she thinks it would be good if it was a woman. She thinks it would be good because she's plus size, she's Essex. And then she's changing the name. There's a bit in it where she says Gem Bond.

I think it's too many changes all at one time. I think they should do them incrementally, one at a time. You say that, Al, but you know what? I suspect she's equally as fussy over the drink orders. OK? Oh, yeah. And also, I'd reckon her chance is in a fight. I think she can handle herself.

Yeah. Don't you? It's true, and they wouldn't be expecting it, would they? No. It's a good cover. You could put a twist on it with Gemma Cullen. You know, I appreciate this is an area that's been covered before, the idea that James Bond is a terrible person.

And I know actually Victoria Corrin-Mitchell did something on Room 101. She pointed out, which I really liked, that James Bond is a bad spy because he has a Union Jack parachute. Yeah. Which is a very valid point. Appears somewhat partisan.

Yes. My objection to him, though, is the puns. Is it? That's the deal breaker. They phased out the to him, though, is the puns. Is it? That's the deal-breaker. They phased out the puns, though, with Daniel Craig, didn't they? No, I don't know about that. Daniel Craig's got good puns. See? Pecs, you're saying.

All the time at the gym. Puns. OK, I do not want two tickets to the pun show. Thank you very much. No, I just think, if you were introducing James Bond, let's say you were setting him up with someone. Honestly, this guy.

I mean, how can I describe him? He gets into fights a lot, and he uses puns. Would you date that person? He's killed many people, and slept with more. He's a commitment folk who loves puns and murder yes in the line of duty I

don't say he's a terrible conversationalist he doesn't say anything he know you say oh hi how are you James what's been going on nice of you to drop in I think he got the point James what are you doing just to speak normally I I'm asking you. What do you think and feel? Do you agree, boys? I do. I think, well, the passage of time we've gone from happy Bond

with Roger Moore to sad Bond. So Daniel Craig still does terrible things, but he's not happy about it anymore. Well, that makes me feel so much better this is frank skinner this is absolute radio i've had a lovely tweet say to the question what's the worst thing anyone said about your dog um louise devlin said someone told me cleo looked like kenny rogers honestly i didn't know what to say and um Cleo is a little white dog with very fluffy ears. There's something of Kenny Rogers about her.

But she's much more beautiful than Kenny. That's kind of you. I like that. That could be a nice friendship for you, Gav. Yes, and Julie Williams on Twitter said, ah, so we're talking about the GC. Ah, get the GC on the show. She is mint.

Do it, do it. Smiley face. Do you know what? She'd like the GC. I'm not sure the GC would come on. She wouldn't even get a tenner for turning up, I think. No, well, I did see her do a show where she had to, and the premise was you had to, if you lost,

you had to end up buying dinner for everyone. And as she threw her credit card into the bowl, she said, what is it, a grand? I won't even touch the sides. And she also does say, I think she was on Celebrity Big Brother when she said, do you know what? If someone offers to make you a cup of tea, that's like giving you £1,000.

offers to make you a cup of tea that's like giving you a thousand pound so there is quite an obsession with the 1K with the GC are you a fan of the GC Al?

I like her honesty I like the fact that she says whilst pitching to be the next James Bond that she quite likes the films not even that she says, whilst pitching to be the next James Bond, that she quite likes the films. Not even that she loves the films, but just, yeah, I quite like them. Because that's how I feel about the James Bond films. I quite like them. But I'm not making a public pitch to be the next Bond, but she is.

And I think it's funny that she wants to dramatically change the franchise while only quite liking them. Nice of you to drop in, Al. Yeah, I put James Bond films in the same category as Monopoly, like something you feel pressured to do with your family at Christmas, but it's never as good as you think it's going to be. Oh, do you think so? It's always disappointing once you're in it.

Well, I liked it. I mean, I... Wow. I was a Roger fan. Moving on. Roger Moore. I was always... It's no better.

I was always a Roger Moore fan. I did. He seemed fun. Well, this is it. Or nasty suits. He seemed bored by the murder. He seemed fun. Well, this is it. Or natty suits. He seemed bored by the murder. He seemed, which is what it is essentially, isn't it? We're watching a man murdering someone, albeit in a tuxedo.

Yeah. And... There was a sense of invitation into, like he said, I know this is ridiculous, but let's have some fun with it, shall we? Yes. He was marvellous. Yeah. And you know what? If you're going to have to spend the evening

with a commitment phobe who gets into fights and makes puns, I'd rather it was Roger. Yeah, a fun one. OK. He is. I like him. We've had a final bit of outside world from 873. Said Monopoly makers included secret maps etc during world war ii to um pow's um boxes

it was marked with a full stop next to the symbol of the locomotive to indicate that special contents were within and that's from fattening croydon okay it's fascinating bit of information. It was a bit too male for me. Was it? War? Too much war? It was a lot of war. Imagine Roger Moore receiving a Monopoly game

with secrets secrets included. Oh, I might think about that later. I enjoy that. It's been a pleasure to be with you today, Emily. Do you know,

I've loved it with you boys. Can I just say that? I've really enjoyed it. It's been nice, isn't it? Oh, come on. you boys can i just say that i've really enjoyed it it's been nice isn't it oh come on some laughs oh have you enjoyed it yes yes yes try again but not so panicked this time do you know that's not the first time i've had to prize uh yes i've enjoyed it out of someone but we're gonna leave it there alan it's been a pleasure gareth it's also been an utter delight. Thank you so much for bearing with us.

I'm so sorry there was no Frank today, but he will be back with us next week. I'll just leave it to tell you, love you, mean it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.