The Frank Skinner Show - Bread CD

Episode Date: April 16, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on a family walking holiday and went to the opera. The team also discuss Al Pacino’s phone case, Fido Dido and the worst kind of egg.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Lovely. That's that. I am actually sans sock. Me too.

I am. Yeah. Oh, well, I'm not sans sock. I'm wearing, you know, cheat socks, the socks that hide beneath the shoe. Oh, you're not. I have such a... A little sort of stop at the ankle ones.

Yeah, and I don't... No likey. No. You, you're not. I have such a... A little sort of stop at the ankle ones. Yeah, and I don't know likey. You're no likey. I have zero tolerance policy, I'm afraid. What, for the, what they call the trainer sock. I can't bear them. I really can't bear them. And it's quite, I'm an England

fan in the Crocs. It is, yeah. Isn't it? Come on. It's the white slip-on trainer. I, what happened and i went on a walking holiday uh this week we did um me and my partner kath and my son boz and our dog walked 69 miles in three days wow and my yeah it. I'll be honest with you, it wasn't courage. It was not being able to read a map. So we thought some distances was about 16 and they turned out to be like 22 and it builds up.

How did the dog find that length of walk? Notice all I care about is the dog. Or your beloved child. No, the dog probably walked 200 miles, because the dog is constantly encircling, running on things, chasing squirrels, etc, etc. Well done on resisting the temptation when Emily asked how the dog find it, to not say rough.

I'm not that quick, Al, I'll be straight with you. It was on the day after the dog was like a pyjama case. It just didn't move at all, and we thought we'd killed it. That was terrible. But, you know, they don't have as much weight to carry as your grown-ups. Anyway, what happened is I'm going to use the term heat rash on breakfast radio. So the ankles are a bit red and swollen, so I thought I'd let some air to them. But I look a bit like someone who's gesturing towards hipsterdom, which I don't want to do.

Well, I'm of the age when someone hasn't got socks on, I immediately think of Miami Vice. Well, I'm of the age when someone hasn't got socks on, I immediately think of Miami Vice. Oh, man. And the slightly turned up sleeve on the jacket. I haven't got that. I tend to think of Man United. Do you remember?

I remember there was a photograph of them all at a screening that Alex Ferguson had organised. No doubt of Seabiscuit. Is that one of you? That was his favourite film. And only film he likes I think. No, that's Michael Owen. Well I know all about that because I was at Michael Owen's house this week. Wow.

Thank you. You didn't go to Michael Owen Road did you? The road where he bought all the terraced houses for his family. The cul-de-sac, yeah. I didn't go to that but yeah, I've confirmed all I know all his family. The cul-de-sac, yeah. I didn't go to that, but yeah, I've confirmed all, I know all his films, the eight films. Oh, yeah. Do you remember he tweeted?

He hasn't added to them since, because that was three years ago. He hasn't watched a film since. No, it's brilliant. His daughter was going, why do you hate films? Why won't you watch films? Because he tweeted hashtag hate films. Do you remember? It was, the films he's

seen are Heat Cool Runnings Jurassic Park Rocky Seabiscuit I can't remember the other three

no you've given us a flavour now Sir Alex Ferguson was saying he was defending himself as seen

as a football sort of obsessive. And he said, well, Arsene Wenger, you know, on a Tuesday night, he's watching like Bundesliga on the telly. He said, I've got a much more broader view of the light. He said, my favourite film is Seabiscuit. It's about horse racing.

You go that far, the apple falls that far from the tree, Sir Alex. Anyway, I don't know how we got to that. Because I was name-dropping about going to Michael Owen's house, who I love, by the way. And also, I feel that hipsters have done serious damage to the British sock manufacturing industry. I think that's perhaps irreparable.

So happily, the British moustache wax industry has benefited from them. So, you know, swings and roundabouts. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I went on a walking holiday. I started off on Monday, me and the family, started off in a place called Hawkesbury Upton, which ought to be a character in an Oscar Wilde short story.

So Hawkesbury Upton will be arriving later. Mr Upton. And we walked to a place called dursley which apparently is where jk rowling got the name for the dursley family or sort of dislikable family that um harry lives with yeah she didn't like dursley much so she she punished that place by naming the bad guys. Yes, I'm aware of this, Frank, because someone has tweeted something from some local gazette saying, Comedy legend spotted in Dursley. Who is it?

Oh, Frank. Comedy legend. Comedy legend. What I like is spotted in. What I like makes me sound like King Arthur. Well, it gets even more Arthurian. Yes. Because it says, the caption next to the picture of you says,

a comedy legend was spotted in Dursley in recent days. Oh, okay. Recent days. That made the Gazette. Frank Skinner surprised staff, customers and residents In recent days. Oh, okay. In recent days? That made the Gazette. Frank Skinner surprised staff, customers and residents as he spent the night at Eoldy Dursley Hotel whilst walking the Cotswold Way with his wife, son and dog. Wow.

It's all there. Blimey. Listen to this. He admired the hospitality. Did you? Did you? I did. Warm welcome.

Well, I said I admired the hospitality. We went out for a takeaway, but they did let us eat it in the breakfast room. Oh, that's nice. Listen to this. I won't go on about this, but it is rather brilliant. He commented on how quaint and friendly Dursley was. I never said quaint.

I never spoke to anyone about it. According to the hotel owner, Stavros Antonio, who greeted the comedian and his family, Mr Skinner was said to have been polite, humble and absolute gentleman. Well, there you go. That's fabulous. I didn't know about that. I have to finish with this Absolute Gentleman

is a station that we're launching later today Frank listen to this we'll be selling shaving products can I just share

this with you the family went up to their room to freshen up then came back down to have a walk around town wow

even more walking yeah not a detail there you go then came back down to have a walk around town. Wow. Even wall walking. Yeah, not a detail. There you go. I like that the manager of ye olde, Dursley Hotel sold his story to the local gazette. What's his cater for and tell story? Also, what have you got on Skinner then? Well, he went to his room to freshen up

before coming down for some food. I have to say, of ye olde, Dursley, which actually has the word ye, literally. I believe ye is a mistake, generally. That was, there's an old, there's a Middle English letter, i think it's the thorn which means the the sound but in some of the surviving manuscripts the top was cut off it so it looked like a y and so um people thought it was ye but it was never yee. So as I understand it, no one has ever said yee until about 1850

and people thought, oh, yeah, we'll call it yee, oldie. It's a little quaint, I find. What about you, Frank? I would never say quaint. I mean, that is such a patronising... Hotel owner Stavros Antonio says different. Good old Stavros. I didn't know.

They did a great bacon and egg sandwich the next day. And a very interesting fact about eggs was given to me by the man who cooked the breakfast, which I will give to you. I will share with all of you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. this. Frank Skinner on Absolute

Radio. Now, I was having breakfast at ye olde Dursley Hotel and the man said, I don't know what's

happened with eggs. He said, but when I started cooking, you could do a hard-boiled egg in eight minutes he said no it something's happened oh and I said he said it needs more than that now so there's been a distinct change over the last 10 years or so and I said do you think it could be like climate change is having an effect on it and he he said, no. So he said, we blame everything on that.

Taking my, you know, taking it very... He said, I think something's happened to the egg industry. They take longer to hard boil. Well, this is, this is a... I mean, you heard it here first. This is quite big news, isn't it? Forgive the pun, it's breaking news. It is.

Very good, Al. But, you know, we're all trying to save on gas and electricity. You can see we're fighting a losing battle if the eggs are taking longer to hard boil. That's going to end up in the Gazette. Yeah. Alongside, can I point out, you're just underneath the story

Embarrassed Man Stopped From Filling Up At Tesco Petrol Station Over Little Known Rule. Oh, OK. need the story embarrassed man stopped from filling up at tesco petrol station over little known rule okay your stories we wrote i don't know what that rule was but what i like how this is rather awkward there's a terrible photo for a start off it's one of the worst photographs i consider frank a very attractive man however however if you were to judge him solely based on this photo, I think you would come away, you would draw unfortunate conclusions. It's hard in the walking gear, though, isn't it? It's not always so flat. I went on a walking break this week and in a hoodie and a fleece

and with my greying beard, we had a day out and I looked like the Chinese dissident artist Ai Weiwei. Oh, wow. That's good. That's good. That's a great looking like that. Yes, it's an odd thing. How far did you do, Al? I'm not trying to be competitive. No, nowhere near as much as you guys, but we weren't even using maps. We were just doing little...

We were in the Eden Valley. Nice. Yeah. Al, I really wish... How Adam and Eve of you. I wish Al was interviewed by, say, sort of Heat magazine and who's your celeb lookalike? Yeah, I mean, it would be great, wouldn't it?

Ai Weiwei. And, of course, mine, as you know. Do you know mine? Is it, you used to say that you would become the lady from Birds of a Feather. Yes. Leslie Joseph. Yeah, when you say, yeah, that ship has sailed.

I also said Brian Clough at one point. Or Nigel Clough. Nigel Clough, yeah. Nigel Clough is a fabulous... Can I just tell you this, Al? Underneath the headline... I will stop going on about this piece in about eight years. I was hoping I'd talk you out of this, but go on.

Comedy legend spotted in Dursley is the headline. There's then a photograph, one of the worst photographs ever taken of Frank Skinner. A comedy legend was spotted in Dursley in recent days. I ought to be holding up a number in front of me and have my height chart behind me on the wall. That's what I look like. Underneath that, Al, as you know,

online newspapers tend to have sort of, you know, algorithms which deliver targeted ads which they feel are relevant to that particular news story. Do you want to know what the algorithm has thrown up underneath the picture of Frank Skinner? I do. Bristol care homes. We are a small group of four high-quality care homes in Bristol.

Well, I'm... I look forward to my invite. I mean, it's... Give us a discount, bro. Yeah. I mean, I'm lucky I got a care homes advert from the local funeral directors. More apt.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily's just giggling now. This is not radio, is it? I'm so sorry. Can I tell you why, Al? Yeah. It's because of some of the correspondence we've had in relation to comedy legend spotters in Dursley

in recent days. Gordon Bagwell, it's unfortunate they didn't wake Fang up for this picture. Jar Walsh, we know where you're going to be spotted in five years' time. Imagine a residency.

What does that mean? They want you to have a residency, like a Las Vegas residency. That'd be great. We've also had Daydreamers pointed out, spotted the journalist's name on the piece. It simply says, Trainee Reporter. You see what's happened there. It's not a big enough story to go to one of their hotshot journos.

What's the paper called? Dursley Gazette. Yeah, I believe so. So. He's not gone to Ben's Bradley. I feel a bit like I've gone for my haircut at the student haircut place, you know, where they do it cheap because they're learning how to cut hair. Oh, yeah. Who were you expecting to write it?

Norman Mailer? That would have been good. We've also had on the subject of eggs al uh marie has got in touch to say i've been wondering about this for years in the 70s a soft boiled egg was three minutes now it needs at least six yeah i too want to understand why thanks smiley face wow have i stumbled upon something is it a bit like in the southern hemisphere the water going down the plug hole yeah um anti-clockwise yeah i'll be honest if i'd been told we were going to talk about eggs at easter weekend this is not how i thought it

would play out it never occurred to me that it's easter but yeah that's absolutely perfect we've also heard from paul g you were gina's brother who are just a little bit re ye and thee oh i bet i've got this wrong i was really dr i haven't i did middle english at birmingham polytechnic in about 1980 so I was really dragging back my memory, so I've got it wrong. Re ye and thee. Hmm. My triplets. It is indeed to do with the Thorn Letter.

Ah, so far so good. Safari so goody, as Christopher Biggins used to say. But it's because when the first printed books began appearing in Britain they were printed in Europe

which didn't have it in their alphabet didn't have the thorn so it was replaced with a Y okay okay so I was

very close you were so close the point was we never said ye no no even only Dursley oh I'll tell you what I did Very close. You were so close. The point was, we never said ye. No. No. Even, only Dursley.

Oh, I'll tell you what I did. I was genuinely excited. I didn't know it existed. William Tyndale, who translated the Bible into English at tremendous personal risk, ending ultimately in incineration, has got his own tower, a massive tower, which me and Boz climbed to the top of,

near Stinchcombe. Was Thorpe Park closed? On your walking holiday, you did the tower climb. Daddy, where are we going this weekend? Everyone else is going to the fair. We're climbing the incinerated William Tyndale's Tower. Yeah. Are you my father in disguise?

It was a bit like that. But, you know, who wants a blue plaque when you can have a tower? It's a biggie and it's not high on the hill. You can see it from miles away. I might put up a picture. How long did it take to climb them? Oh, we were up it from miles away. I might put up a picture. How long did it take you to climb them? Oh, we were up it like a couple of ferrets into a rabbit hole. It was great, though.

I mean, seriously, I loved it. And, you know, you take the statue industry at the moment, I would say it was in Bost rather than Boone. I think towers might be the way forward. I'm hoping for one in Dursley. Well, as Ultra Magnus has pointed out about that photo, it's a bit, they're treating me well. Oh, yeah.

It's exactly, I've got human shield written all over. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Oh, there's some sceptics in our midst, actually. 597, Simon of Sodbury, who's one of our regular correspondents, has texted, are the egg conspiracy theorists saying that they've meticulously kept to the same size pots and volume of water for decades? Does that make a difference?

Of course. Oh, I see, because you think people have started doing them in bigger saucepans. Yeah. It's a lack of trust in the British public. He's looking for a control group, isn't he? It reminds me of when Bruce Forsythe used to start a joke by saying, so I got up this morning, I put the kettle on,

I got up this morning and I put the kettle on. So I put the kettle on. You think, trust them a bit more, Bruce. Trust them a bit more than that. I think we are on to something. And, you know, the cynics can have their opinions on boiling eggs as well. There's too many witnesses there, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I can only eat my own eggs. That's probably the most terrifying thing I've ever heard is it a quote from Martha C. Clarke dystopian novel Jurassic Park I can't eggs make me, I know a lot of people have this

I'm a little bit phobic about them they turn my stomach a bit and I can only eat it if I've prepared them. And actually my best friend Jane if she prepares eggs I can eat those. Other than that I'm out. So you wouldn't egg out? I wouldn't have your eggs.

No offence. No. Well fair enough. I have a totally different version of that. I never cook poached eggs at home but I eat them out if somebody else is going to go to all that trouble. I'll let a chef do it. Do you remember those things that were like poaching pans at the egg sitting? And also, what about the theory that if you put vinegar in the water,

the egg doesn't spread? What's your worst kind of egg, preparation-wise? 8, 12, 15, that's today's texting. It is Easter, as you say. When you say preparation, you mean actually doing it. What's your worst egg style? Well, I've never managed to scramble. What do you mean? That's the easiest one.

No, an omelette, I just get an omelette. It doesn't sort of separate up. Ow, an omelette is significantly get an omelette it doesn't it doesn't sort of separate up an omelette ow an omelette is significantly harder than a scramble no but I've worked

at the omelette that was my that was my lockdown skill I started making omelettes but scramble requires no work I can't do a scramble a lot of people went

for an omelette but Frank went for omelettes yeah exactly some people learnt Spanish guitar you know you've got to lower your sights a bit omelettes. Yeah, exactly. Some people learn Spanish guitar. You know, you've got to lower your sights a bit. Do you want to know my worst?

Go on. You don't sound like that interested. Sorry, I've got a little bit of a hot cross barn stuck in my tooth. The cross was a lot more durable than the rest of the barn, and I'm still working on the cross.

My worst is fried. Oh, now that's my favourite. There's always a filmy gloop on the top. No, you've got to flick the hot fat on. That's what you've got to do. What's your worst egg? I like a lot of eggs. You might be unsurprised to hear.

I ate fried bread the other day, Emily. Do you like them deviled? I've never had deviled. I don't know what it means, but I've been given a deviled egg. Isn't that when you put a cross on it? What about when you get someone like Wagamama, you get a tea-stained egg? Oh, that's odd. I mean, how does that happen? I went to Maccy D's the other day, and I got... Sorry, the producer has comprehensively lost it, Al. The idea of Frank going to Maccy D's. It was a takeaway. And when I got back, I'd got, like, cheeseburger chips and a cup of tea,

I'd got like a cheeseburger chips and a cup of tea and the tea had leaked into the the the tea the the bread so you got tea from McDonald's so yeah so I had a tea stained uh Big Mac with cheese and it was squidgy with the tea the tea had made it like who buys tea from oh I really fancy a cup of tea. I know where I'll go. Maccy D's. I'll tell you something. You get better tea from Maccy D's than you do from one of London's finest restaurants. That is absolutely a fact.

Yeah, but what about Dursley? People in posh restaurants can't make tea. You heard it here first. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215,

follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We've had a little joking on the text. 812 has said, Al says he went out looking like Ai Weiwei. I hope he did this properly and followed the Ai Weiwei code. He should write a book called the Ai Weiwei code, shouldn't he? He should.

He doesn't strike me as the type that would... Who loves a pun. No, maybe He doesn't strike me as the type that would... Who loves a pun. No, maybe he doesn't. Maybe. Do you remember when he had those... They were like ceramic seeds that you had to wade through at Tate Modern and then they found that they were emanating this dust

which was killing people. I thought you were going to say M&M's because I know you like an M&M. I think he had to go in with the Scotch God. Sorry, Al? It can't have been killing people. Well, it was making people cough. Oh, OK.

I mean, you know, you've got to allow me a bit of embroidery on a yard. It doesn't take much to make people cough at the Tate. Running out of quinoa. Yeah, well, they stained a lot of school medicals there for a start-off. I don't know. Do you get that, Em? It's not really a girl's school medical

joke. Boys used to have to cough in the school medical. I know what the coughing is. No, but I know that from sort of carry-on films. Oh, okay. Do you know what I mean? They're an endless source of info. Yeah.

What's that rustling, Al? Sounded like we've got a bag. What's going on? I think it might have been me moving around. Oh, Al's moving around again. Is he ruffling through a bag? I think a theme, by the way, on Absolute this week has been the temporary clock we've got in the studio

i think dave berry um hit social media with it basically no no anxiety um amongst the presenters but um it looks like they haven't paid for the digital clock And so we've got one that's got all sorts of warnings on it. No Grace events remaining is one of them, which Grace Jones should use that on her last, when the gig, instead of Elvis has left the building, that should go up on the stage. Well, just instead of the sold out across the tickets. I'll tell you what it's got to feel of, this clock.

You know when you download a free app and it says in-app purchases? It looks like we need to buy the full clock, if you know what I mean. Yeah. And it says in big red letters, unlicensed version. Now, that does sound a bit more worrying. You have to license now time. Do you remember what it used to say

on the speaking clock? The time sponsored by Acurist. And I used to think, wow, someone sponsored the time. The man with the very, it sounded very much like one of my parents who'd been let go from the RSC. Yeah, exactly. He played Claud go from the RSC. Yeah, exactly.

He played Claudius at the RSC in 68 and never... Now he was reduced to speaking clock and the odd Dalek role. Sorry, Frank. It's a tough business. Sorry. Can I share this with you? We've heard via email from Paul Thomas Walsh. Okay.

Who I like the sound of. PT, yeah, PTW. He sounds like he might write the great American novel. Mm-hm. Mm. Who do you like, Saul Bellow, Paul Thomas Walsh? PT Walsh, you should call himself. Yeah, PT Walsh.

As in Barnum, I think, was a PT as well. He was. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Last week, Frank spoke about John Travolta popping up in Fakenham. However, at one point, Frank referred to John Travolta frequenting not a fish restaurant, but rather a fish food restaurant. Now, this perplexes me. Has the culinary world been able to widen the appeal of fish food

to such an extent that humans may now eat it? Or is this some new way of articulating the type of food that may be on offer in a restaurant? I thought fish restaurant was the common parlance for such an establishment. Because it was said with no comment or challenge from the team, I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps Frank, not for the first time,

was maybe trying to start a trend with his use of words, Coulston, etc. Yours in fish food-based curiosity, Paul Thomas Walsh in Berlin. Wow, in Berlin. Well, I made a mistake, basically. I think I reached for seafood restaurant and only got as far as its inhabitants.

Yeah, I don't used to think John Travolta got into some tank and they sprinkled above him he did, he played man from Atlantis the idea of him extending his lips upwards to take that dry stuff off the top and then maybe going to have to take some plankton in oh John, where did it all go wrong? Where did it all go wrong?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So after ye olde Dursley Hotel, which I liked. It was down to earth. The staff, very lovely. And also I had a fantastic bacon and egg sandwich for the breakfast. You know when you have a bacon and egg sandwich, you've got to roll your sleeves up a bit

because the yolk often makes its way down your forearms. That's why I just won't bother with them. Oh, it's fantastic. But it was very different at the next place. For a start off, Yaldi Dursley Hotel, 75 quid a night. Falcon in Painswick, 175 quid a night. So, you know. Could you see the difference?

Oh, you could see the difference. You can taste the difference? Yeah, it was, yeah, it's what I believe they call, it's a foodie place. Oh, right. You don't like that though, do you, generally? No, well, you know, it was, I had a great burger and chips on the night,

but they had things like lavender spray on the bedside table to help you to sleep. Oh, I know the type. Oh, man, it was fabulous. Probably didn't need it if you'd walked 25 miles that day. No, exactly. You'd be out like a lion. I think they'd seen a picture of me in the Gloucester Gazette

and thought I'd probably like lavender on my pillow. Well, Bristol care homes are already preparing that for you. There was an Olbers oil sampler. And there was muscle relaxant salts on the bad side as well. I mean, it was a different world. It really was a different world. It really was a different world. But when I had poached egg, continuing our Easter egg theme,

and what they did was the toast, they'd cut into a circle I guess with the sort of laser that James Bond was threatened with engulfing. I don't like to eat at a restaurant where they cut corners. Very good.

It was like eating, if you can imagine, a bread CD. Circular bread. I don't like that. No, but it's an obviously bean square bread because he's had no crusts on it. So I don't know that no but it's an obviously bean uh square bread because he's had no crusts on it so i don't know what happened with the spread maybe they make a nice bread and butter pudding as a dessert but um yeah i was i wasn't i missed the corners uh-huh um jeff astle the great the great West Bromwich Albion player, I've told you this before, but he had a window cleaning business and the slogan on the van said,

Jeff Astle, he never misses the corners, which is very, very fine. So, yeah, so we went posh for that bit. And speaking of posh, this is how David Beckham begins his stories. Do you think he ever calls her posh? I bet he does, doesn't he, lightheartedly? I wonder. I hope he does. I bet he does.

Oh, posh. Oh, don't. That sounds a bit horrible. Anyway, so I went to... Also, I'm Michael Owen obsessed now. That's my new obsession. Fair enough. I went to see The Handmaid's Tale, colon, the opera.

What was that? Did you go with a friend? No, I went on my own. You can't always... I was invited, you know, and we were in quite a little room before. There was orange juice and fine wines. Orange juice, what, 70s? Yeah.

Who serves that at events now? What else did you get? Well, I'm always looking for the soft drinks, obviously. Melon parma ham. What a double that they were. Did they do to bake off? What's that then? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've got a couple of correctionies I'd like to deal with. Two? Go on. Ultramagnus. Oh, yes. Correctiony. Surely scorpions sting as opposed to biting. Frank had referenced earlier that it is.

Okay. Now, this one, this particular one. Yeah. Now, I'm sure it wasn't. His mother-in-law was bitten by a scorpion, in case you missed that. No, she was stung by one. She was stung. I do apologise.

Whilst on holiday with? With Brian Malko from Placebo. OK. Can you leave them alone? They're just trying to behave like any other normal family. I wonder if she was given real drugs for that sting. I love Sandy Mason. Another correction, Yoni.

This time, aimed at me. OK. Never let it be said that I can't take criticism oh okay what do you mean from now on we can't say that

from now on me and Alan are always saying it to each other from this day forward I mean yeah carry on as you were yeah

what a film that was correctiony Emily what a film that was oh Correzione Emily I don't think Travolta was ever

man from Atlantis no it was no it was remember yes it was

Doffy is he called Doffy Patrick Doffy well done Frank no to where I think that came from is because he had he had Doffy, is he called? Doffy. Patrick Doffy. Well done, Frank. No, to where I think that came from is because he had lobster bisque, dressed crab and baked lobster,

I suggested he might be in training to play the man from Atlantis. Because, let's face it, the way to make a film nowadays is not to come up with an original idea. It's to think what used to be on telly that we can do as a film yeah and so there will be a man from atlantis will they're not they don't do new things and it also gives the star a chance to show off their bod and what is it steven's

on time said about the musical frank he said about he was talking about jukebox musicals when people do like an abba musical or a queen musical and he said i triedkebox musicals when people do an ABBA musical or a Queen musical. And he said, I try to write musicals where people whistle the tunes on the way out, not on the way in. Oh, I love Stephen. Dear, dear Stephen. Anyway.

Anyway, listen, so I'm at the opera. I'm saying, dear, dear Stephen Sondheim. Anyway, I'm at the opera. You've changed, thanks. I'm in the opera. So I'm saying, dear, dear Stephen Sondheim. Anyway, I'm at the opera. You've changed, thanks. I'm in the Royal Reception Room at the English National Opera, which has got a... Oh, is this when you're having the orange juice? Yeah.

Bring him down to work. I got a... It was quite fancy. Quite fancy, individually bottled with an Italian title. Did you get any food? There was nuts, but I didn't. Sticking my teeth too much. You don't want to be talking to Dame Janet Baker with a not-gum shield.

Do you get souvenir programmes? Oh, yes. Anyway, Dame Janet Baker, if you're aware, is a very famous opera singer. I'm daring to say of yes, the year. And she did a speech, which is great. She really is opera royalty. Actually, there was a signed picture of Princess Alexandra on the wall as well,

who presented West Brom with the FA Cup in 68. Special moment for me. But she talked about, you know, not being in opera anymore. And now she talks about the camaraderie. And that was the thing that she missed most of all. And I thought, this is like one of the queens of opera. And when she speaks about her opera days, she's basically saying, I miss the banter,

which is what footballers always say, which I kind of love that. And then there was a moment when dame janet the woman who starred as an offerid in the handmaid's tale was a woman called kate lindsey brilliant and she came in in full dress the bright red robes and all that quite shocking into the room just to sort of pay homage to dame janet and they stood talking and i thought it was a bit like when i met um in a birmingham pub i bumped into paul henry who played benny from crossroads and we spoke and people just i realized people were just staring in awe in shock and awe awe. It's a fabulous moment.

And a bit like when Mephisto in the film Mephisto shakes hands with the Nazi commandant. But that's not such a good analogy. Absolute radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Lee Thomas says the kids are watching Waffle Dog.

Are you familiar with that? No. On CBBC. Okay. Oh, is that the thing, Rhys? Oh, no, he's with another dog, Rhys Stevenson. He's with... Another dog.

Or Hacker. Oh, very good. A bit of nominative determinism at work. Do you know who provides the dog's voice for Waffle Dog? Nominative determinism. I'll let you and Al think about that. Ronnie Barker. Fred Waffle.

No. Okay. Fido Dido. Rufus Hound. Oh, very good. Do you remember Fido Dido? He used to have a lot of merch, but I don't know. One of those rare things, I only knew the merch.

I didn't know the origin of the merch. Is that a big red dog? I only know the merch. Fido Dido got like a crazy young Einstein hairstyle. I had

a notepad of Fido Dido but who was he? Who was Fido died at 12, 15? I'm looking for a biog. In my youth, before I was an Ai Weiwei lookalike, I was actually a Fido died lookalike. When I was 17, I was like a gangly, sort of scrawny sketch character with spiky hair.

Quite fine-ed out. Is that the cartoon you most looked like as a child, when you were younger? Or the guy from Scooby-Doo, I suppose. I was quite Dora the Explorer. Oh, OK. Little bobbed Anna Wintour hair. Yeah. What about you?

It's a very good question. I think I was sort of Casper slightly translucent and with a stupidly big forehead Great house though But you know, we're all different But friendly What happened to that?

What happened to that characteristic of mine? What, friendliness? Yeah Very humble according to ye olde Dursley Hotel. And was it that Winston Churchill said of Clement Attlee, there's a lot to be humble about. Clement Attlee, can I just say,

was famously boring, the first Labour Prime Minister. And they used to say a thing that they were at an event, an empty cab turned up and Clement Attlee got out. Oh! It's cruel! Can I say...

Did great things, though? Casper the Friendly Ghost. It's quite a sort of... A little bit of shade in that title. And other ghosts, I feel you're right. Yeah, exactly. It's very passive-aggressive. Casper the friendly ghost.

Yeah, not like, you know, the menacing, the accusatory ghosts like Marley and stuff like that, who, yeah, intimidation is their trade, their stocking trade. Do you think they had to do that just to reassure children that ghosts... They were sort of reclaiming the ghost, really. Yeah, I think they probably... And also they were getting past that thing about how come their clouds have come back from the dead as well

by making... I think he's naked, isn't he? He's not naked, Frank. Isn't he naked? He wears like a white sheet thing. Doesn't he? I thought that was his ectoplasm. Or as they say on Easter Saturday, ectoplasm. Sorry, the producer's actually punching me in the back.

I'm going to have to go. Frank, you've inadvertently lit up the switchboard with your Fido-Dido chat a few moments ago. And that's a real genuine inquiry. I would honestly like to know Fido's backstory. Am I calling know Fido's backstory. Well... Am I calling Fido? Several people have texted the show to say Fido Dido was the 7-Up drink character. I think he's from an advertising campaign.

Oh, no. I know. By the way, we don't work with 7-Up. No. They've not gifted us 7-Up. I don't even like it much. I don't mind it. Sometimes I drink it and call it lemonade.

That's how I am. Yes, indeed. In fact, funnily enough, when we were at the Falcon Hotel Painswick, the waiter said to Boz, we've got every drink, what drink do you want? What does he say? Any drink you say.

And I thought, he's going to say butterbeer and that's going to turn the whole thing. I don't know if you've ever had butterbeer. It's really nice. Anyway, he said, I really like lemonade. And the guy said, we've got seven up. So everyone's operating on the same theory. Yeah.

You don't really serve... I mean, lemonade, they tend to serve that E. Oldie probably would have got that in the other hotel E. Oldie Dursley maybe you get E. Oldie lemonade from the sort of

the petrol pump you know when you get the petrol pump pop that comes out the actual and served by a lady with an off the shoulder top if you're lucky

oh god great days gypsy great days gypsy blames when you say great days Served by a lady with an off-the-shoulder top? If you're lucky. Oh, God. Great days. Gypsy. Great days? Gypsy blames. What, when you say great days, are you talking about the Middle Ages? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK. And off-the-shoulder tops, that sort of stuff. Oh. We've also had a cookery tip messaged. Hold on, did we get to the... That was it with Fido Dido. That's definitely it. What did you want from Fido Dido?

Well, he might have arrived... That's for his backstory, and I think I've given you it. I don't know what else I can do. He might have arrived at Seven Up via... You've got to know about Mr and Mrs Dido. What is this? Is this a sort of... Exactly.

He'll talk about these Jadoon people in the Doctor Who, who are just rhinos, who have no personality traits whatsoever. That's not true. They're very, very officious. No, but was he embraced by 7-Up? Did he already exist pre that advertising campaign? I think there's a bit of debate there,

but I think a lot of the textings are basically saying he started with let me just have a look i'm just going to go and have a look at uh fido dido the origin story was he in that icv series seven obby was one of the children who was chosen it was a radical idea at the time that one of the children chosen to follow through life was a cartoon. Just to see how animation affects a child's development.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is, what do I say? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean. What do I say? I was going to say? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean. I was going to say, what do I say? I was going to say the Frank Skinner show, but I never say that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Well done. I mean, it sounded a bit red to me. Yeah, it was a bit. It wasn't my best. I've been doing this over a decade.

Yeah, it wasn't my best housekeeping read-through, but there we go. Let's move along. I'd like to speak to you about Al Pacino. Ah, I bet you would. He's been in the news all right. He has. Jason Momoa,

who's an actor, he's definitely in the sort of hench, muscly actor chair, isn't he? And unusual eyebrows chair. Is he? Super raised eyebrow. Oh, come on. You must know the eyebrow chair. He was in it, obviously. is he? I didn't know that was one of those super raised eyebrow oh

oh come on you must know the eyebrow chair Healy was in it obviously is it for big eyebrows? it's for it's for unusually

unusual eyebrows they're remarkable Roger Moore must have been in the eyebrow acting chair there you go uh Gallagher

Liam Gallagher okay I'm always you know there's always someone sitting in there. Yeah. Momoa's there for me right now. I don't really know Momoa's work.

Game of Thrones, you won't know. Oh, I'll tell you what he'll know him for, Al. There's that show, it's a bit like Stingray, Frank. It's like Aquaman. Oh, yeah. Yeah? Aquaman? Oh, he plays Aquaman?

Yeah, I think so, yeah. Oh, of course I know him, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Aquaman. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Oh, of course I know him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's gone unusual, I suppose. You're quite right. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, no, I love Aquaman. Oh, I suddenly feel seen. He shared a picture of a celebration that he'd had at dinner, and Al Pacino is in this picture. Hoo-wah! Do you remember when everybody used to do that as an Al Pacino impression from the picture who are remember when everybody used to do that as an Al Pacino impression from center of a woman no basically all you

need is an Al Pacino impression before we get into this I was talking to a guy who worked a lot with big he was like a sort of a, I think, anyway, he was involved in films. Yes. And he worked on, I think, publicity stuff with a lot of really big, proper, massive Hollywood stars. And he said, without doubt, the guy who caused the biggest stir wherever you went with him, you know, people desperate for photos, was Pacino.

He said, that seemed to be the the real wow and i mean he'd work with work with them all as they say yeah that surprised me so he's he's got a lot of uh he's got a lot of paul pacino oh yeah well he uh he's in this picture and people have zoomed in on it as is the way way in the Smedes now, the social medias, and they've found out that he's got a Shrek phone case. Isn't that Shrek? I mean, I know it's got the biggest news in the world, but it's still worthy of discussion, isn't it?

What I like, Hal, is that the event he was at with the Shrek iPhone or any other phone case, I think it might have been a Samsung he had, actually, they discovered. There's a lot of forensic looking. So, just to be clear, we're naming every brand. It was a dinner

for celebrated contemporary American painter, Julian Schnabel. And he turned up with the Shrek iPhone. It's, I mean, there's a sort of Sherlock Holmes unravelling to be done here. Do you think Hal Pacino stole his phone off a 12-year-old girl or something?

Is that what you're... I think, you know I mentioned shock and awe before. I think it's a sort of shock and awe test because he must be used to people thinking, oh man, it's Al Pacino. And I think he'll know that he's still held in that kind of reverence until someone says, oh dear, have you got a Shrek phone case? So it's a sort of a challenge.

I bet no one says to him, how come you've got a Shrek phone case? And as long as they know that, you'll know that he's held in high respect. That's my theory. Clever. I, well, I'll tell you about it after. I've got an item which I think might fall into this category. I mean, I don't have the macho image to keep up. The Pacino does.

I said nothing. I've got a pencil case that turns a few heads. Bring Skinner on Absolute Radio. So my pencil case is Britney Spears. No. So it's see-through except it's got a pink back and then a big face of sweet Britney period. Are you joking?

No, I'm completely... Yeah, and it was... When interviewed brittany we got some of her merch in and i just it caught my eye that was about 1998 yeah it's still still going strong i would like one because you know she's had some distinct phases there was sweet brittany and then there was shaved brittany and then then large drink from McDonald's, Britney. You still have a picture if we want to. And then, of course, hostage Britney. I'd like a sort of a shaved Britney pencil case.

That would have been brilliant. Can I tell you, I'm most shocked that you still have a pencil case because you're not 12. No, but I travel, you see, and I need, obviously, I need my work tools. Well, you say obviously. It's like a chef carrying his knives. I've got to have that.

Al, do you have a pencil case? No, I don't. No, I don't either. I think you'll find most people don't. I mean, it's adorable. Do you have a protractor and a compass in there? I've also got, if I have to, if I'm away longer and I need to go bigger than the Britney,

I've got a Tintin pencil case. Oh, OK. Maybe go Fido Dido next time. I thought it was the... I don't know if you can still get the FD merch, but we'll check in there. So I think that's what happens. Hasn't he got a free one from somewhere?

Do you think he won't have gone into one of those stalls you get on the market? I think he will have gone into one of those shops. He's in Camden Town. Do you think someone said, would you like a free Shrek iPhone case? And he went, ooh, ah. I must say, it's a very left-field marketing idea. If somebody sent, we've got those new Shrek phone cases. What celeb should we send?

What about Al Pacino? He'll be showing it off. He's a hashtag influencer. Yeah, exactly. That is a left-field marketing suggestion that's paid off. That's right up there with the person who sent the sheriff's badge to Janet Jackson before the Super Bowl. But you know what?

It's paid off sometimes. You know what it is? It's disruptive marketing. I bet everyone's buying those now. Don't you think everyone's getting the Shrek pen? Maybe. Not the Janet Jackson Sheriff's badge. I find them hard to keep on.

Yeah. It's like a monocle. It's like a breast monocle. Maybe he just identifies with him because he's a little bit gruff, I find, Al Pacino. I'd be frightened to approach Al Pacino. Would you? Yeah, I think he might, yeah.

I don't know if he'd be warm-hearted. Would you, Al? I'd be less frightened now I know that he's got a Shrek phone. That's what I mean. It's very clever. It's softening, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, but see, I don't think he wants,

that's my whole point, he doesn't want to lose his menace. It's a bit of a boy named Sue type of a thing. He's, but I like it bit of a boy named Sue type of a thing. He's... But I like it. I think it shows a confidence. The fact that he can carry around that strength. It's a bit like you liking, you know, the sort of Doctor Who monster things.

It makes me feel you've got an innate confidence that you don't feel shame over it. Well, that's... Why would I feel shame after that? Absolute radio. Frank Skin that? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're talking about Al Pacino and his Shrek phone case. Well, actually, you say that,

but 567 has texted Mick in Huddersfield and said, please do not let Frank escape without revealing the contents of his pencil case. He keeps avoiding the question, which I find sinister. I'm not, it's not sinister. It's largely see-through.

Apart from her face on the front, that section is see-through. So you can see, well, it's pencils, you know, pens of all colours. And erasers. Always an eraser and i like the white on one side and the gray on the other for ink and a couple of pencil sharpness i think if i remember rightly the brittany's got two or three paper clips in it for emergencies

okay yeah that's good and there's things like there's a sharpie and there's a highlighter in it as well all right you know it's got everything a man could ever need what do you think um al pacino sleeps in? 8, 12, 15. Yeah. I would say, great question, Frank Skinner, I can see Al. I don't, I think he might be a silk, slight Hugh Hefner, a silk pyjama. I think exactly, maybe a paisley, but certainly a silk pyjama.

It's got that written all over him. What do you think, Al? I think a Shrek onesie. I think he's... He's really into Shrek. With a hood. A hood with the antennae. Can you imagine him

all through the door going, hang on a minute. Are they antennae on Shrek? They're sort of... Are they horns? Are they? They're a bit... They're a bit giraffe.

Aren't they? They've got that kind of thing going on. Yeah, that's the thing. It's the thing about Shrek. I don't think Shrek's bad looking. But I don't. Well, I'll tell you what. There's a thing about Shrek.

Shrek is a very good example of how Hollywood do ugly. Because Hollywood cannot cope with ugly at all. So if anyone... Do you remember Ugly Betty? Oh, yeah. Who wasn't ugly. Stunning. By normal standards.

Stunning. And the one that always sticks in my mind is Rocky's wife, Adrienne, who they think, if we put her hair back and glasses on, she'll be ugly. Is that Talia Shire? No one will be able to see that she's beautiful.

She is. Sister of Frank? Talia Shire? Francis one will be able to see that she's beautiful. She is. Sister of Frank? Talia Shire? Frances Ford Coppola's sister. Is that right? I believe that's right. If that's wrong, I'm walking. Oh no, don't say that. Promise is promised.

You don't get proper ugly people, especially I think the ladies. They don't cast them. It's very unfair. Would you rather have though, be honest, the teeth are my issue with Shrek because I could have...

What I was going to make is that Fiona when she goes green still looks pretty nice. Right. Obscure crusher. Exactly. It's like, oh Oh Shrek is great He still loves her

She's still okay You know what I'm saying I thought Zola Budd Was an odd one Frank Well we all have her Princess Fiona I don't mind Shrek actually

My issue is the teeth If he could get his teeth fixed Because the green I can live with The teeth We're going to have a problem. Yeah. You know what I'm like about teeth.

I think Shrek, again, is supposed to epitomise ugliness and didn't bother Colleen. Not that bad. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Skinner. Absolute Radio. Speaking of the strange merch

memorabilia accessories, I was talking to a guy, by the way, I used to have a Pacino poster on my wall, that's just... Can I guess which film, Al? Do you want to guess? Scarface. I don't think he's a Scarface. No, it was.

Do you remember I used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time and I think it was me trying to prove they were cool. No, I was talking to a guy at the opera who'd met Placido Domingo and he said he had a dressing gown on when he met him in his dressing room. Loosh. And the pattern, when he met he met him in his dressing room and the pattern when he looks at the pattern yeah it was over and over again um placido domingo's signature

and i said do you think he bought it like that or someone he obviously just didn't go into a shop and say have you got any can i have a look at your um placido domingo sleepwear range but i wonder if he bought a plain one yeah and a sharpie yeah anyway enough a lot of work in it it is a lot of work you know but he must have a lot of time waiting when he's not on stage. I might do another half hour on the dressing gown. Yeah, after the tech, after the sound check. Yeah, where's my pencil case? I love that you have a pencil case. Isn't that normal?

No. Okay. Absolutely not. Okay? We're getting some outside world in. Okay. Absolutely not. Okay? We're getting some outside world in. Okay. Ruth Jordan is confirming Shrek doesn't have antennae, Frank. What does he have?

Well, okay, hold your high horses and you'll find out. Those are his ears. No. I don't think. I think he's got ears, little green ears, and then he's got those as well, surely. Where are the green ears? Well, he's got ears in the normal side of the head.

Can you get me up a picture of Shrek? Can you get me up the power of the man? Yeah, exactly. Starry demands. Can you Google image? Okay, have a look at Shrek. Meantime, while you're doing that... Oh, they might be. We've got...

Now I come to look at them. Oh, dear. They might be. How quickly we've fallen. Yeah, to our such confidence. And a nice waistcoat. Strange style icon. Yeah, I think they are. Nice waistcoat. Strange style icon.

Yeah, I think they are. Nice waistcoat. It seems to recall it's hessian and rough hemmed. Yeah, but it's one of those, it's tied rather than buttoned, which I've always liked. Oh, you like that? Yes, you like that Man United mid-90s kit. I remember that. What I would call a Lone Ranger.

The Lone Ranger used to add a sort of a tie-up shirt instead of a button. And Robin Hood. Yeah. And Brotherhood of Man, the band. Did they have it? No, you won't put that. Right, Carl McD,

he'd be a nice friend for you. You can go and drink tea together at your favourite fast food chain. Carl McD, talking about remarkable transformations, as Frank was previously, you were discussing the sort of, yeah, but they never really needed transforming, is what you were saying. For example, Ugly Betty. Oh, yes.

How about Plain Jane Harris from Neighbours? Good point. Take her glasses off. Best looking woman on earth. I don't remember Plain Jane Harris. Plain Jane's super brain. Prettiest girl in Erinsborough. Ah, okay. Don't you remember Plain Jane?

She was absolute stone cold fox. I always liked Elle Robinson, I thought was the best. Elle Robinson was almost exactly... Who's the woman who was in To Die For? Married Tom Cruise. Kidman. Nicole Kidman. She was like an almost exact replica of her. Talk to my neighbours there, eh?

But for a bit of bad luck here, a bit of good luck there. Things could have been different. Well, I was a Paul Robinson, Stefan Dennis fan, but, you know, each to his own. Do you remember how she got her name, Elle Robinson? No. Her name was Lucinda and she hated it so much she just used the initial.

OK. That'll come in useful someday. Yeah, that's the sort of fact. You were a bigger fan of Neighbours than I realised. Well, in those days. Gone now, has it gone? It's going. There's a big campaign to return it, I believe. Oh, I hate campaigns.

I was a massive fan of Neighbours until the bins argument. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. 834, I'm sorry to rub this in they are his ears yes, I accept I was wrong, I've been wrong before I've owned up a few times

fish food restaurant but yes, they're his ears I take it back 813 has got in touch single sound impersonations is the name of the missive. Hey up, you three. Oh.

That'd be a good one. That'd be Freddie Truman on Indoor League. Hey up. Or sometimes, now then. Oh, it can't be words. No, he used to say, after break, glasses, arrows. That was good. Will Conrad Daniels yank himself back into the lead? Because he was American. That was good. Will Conrad Daniels yank himself

back into the lead because he was American? That was the pun. All right. Inspired by Alan's Al Pacino impression. Al? Who are?

I love it. Whatever happened to the phenomena of impersonating celebrities with a single instantly recognisable sound alone. For example, a semi-operatic wah-wah-wah-wah signified Harry Seacombe.

I'm not familiar with that. I don't know. How would that be? Al? Oh, I don't know. How's it going? I'm guessing it's... Yeah, yeah.

Opera sounding. Okay. A camp mmm was all you needed for Michael Crawford. Mmm. Very good, Al. That was absolutely

on the nose. Al is so on the nose this morning. I can't even. Uh, Kenneth Williams, Frank?

Mmm. Jimmy Tarbuck, anyone? Ho, ho. Very good. And Prince Charles was a simple groany sound. Al? Care to?

That's good. Care to, Al? No? You happy with that? It's a very good point that there were people done without any words at all. No words necessary. Are there any more you can recall?

That's Andy Wood from Bronte Country, West Yorkshire, all Bronte Country. This is Andy, you're my kind of man. Do you know Andy Wood? No, but... No, but I'll bear it in mind. Well, there was Norman Vaughan. What?

Was the comedian. It's already gone obscure. I mean, what? How far are you going back? He had three catchphrases and one of them was... Oh, yes. Yeah. I remember it.

His other two catchphrases were... I've got one. Dodgy and Elsie Tanner. Don't ask me. Sometimes they go, Dodgy, Elsie Tanner. Don't ask me. Sometimes he'd go, Dodgy, Elsie Tanner. He'd put all his eggs in one basket as well. It's so Easter today. We've gone so Easter.

It's fantastic. That's a very good... You know, one thing that we do on the show is, and we haven't done it this week, but we'll do it more post-Easter, is go back to subjects where people have contributed during the week because some people are podcast listeners and stuff like that if you've got any uh more um sound only impressions um chuck them in because i i enjoyed that that was good who was that again? That was from, he was from Bronte country.

Do you remember? Oh, yes. So it was Andy Wood. Of course. How could I forget that? There's probably one for Heathcliff. It's a... Anyway, thank you for listening to us.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Happy Easter. Now get out.