The Frank Skinner Show - Butter Ceiling

Episode Date: December 17, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. In the last show of the year the team discuss pate, a Lego baptism and Frank's new Bic pro pen.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk All lowercase. Okay. Good morning, everyone. I've got a bit of an African clawed toad in the throat. I remember those used to be boiling in the biology lab.

I wonder what that was about. African clawed toads? African clawed toads. African clawed toads. They used to boil them as some sort of experiment. There was a lot that used to happen in the biology lab that would not happen now, thankfully. Exactly.

We had very different, there was some cruelty in the biology lab. Yeah, there was. It was awful. A lot of cruelty. I'm very surprised that it's a very exotic thing to be boiling. Look, I don't, was awful, really. I'm very surprised. It's a very exotic thing to be boiling. Look, I don't, you know, I don't make the rules. Yeah, very Harry Potter.

Yeah, it's a bit, actually. I don't know if it had been on the board previously. The Vivi board. You see it sometimes, stickers in cars, African Claude Toad on board. Talking of boards, someone was pointing, I was, someone was, I saw someone pointing out recently on one of the social medias,

that of course the concept of the nails down a blackboard, apologies to anyone at home listening, even hearing that I know is a bit grating, will cease to exist as a concept for the young because they have the whiteboard now. So the blackboards have gone completely. Blackboard's obsolete. As far as I'm aware.

I caught the tail end of the blackboard. Oh, okay. Not the tail end. You shouldn't have turned so sharply when you came into the classroom. I remember we had a teacher, Mr Harrison, who used to throw the board robber. Yeah. Not very accurately.

What, at the pupils? Yeah, at the pupils. Absolute radio. But with a sort of collateral damage effect of just whoever was near the... Well, exactly. He once missed and hit, I shouldn't name her,

but I'll just say Lane, a girl called Lane on the head, who was a redhead who had her hair tied back. And she had the white rectangle of the board robber on the side of her head for the rest of the lesson, where it had just slapped her on the head. I remember he just went, sorry, Elaine. And that was that. I know it would be obviously a tribunal.

I don't miss those days. I wouldn't want my child to be having board robbers thrown at him. Unless you say there aren't any more. No. Or those foam

those foam whiteboard things. Yeah much lighter. Never quite get it off. You know when you go into sometimes if you're in a if you're in an office you see the ghost of a million meetings on the whiteboard yeah oh man as if you're colombo coming and says oh my wife's a big fan when did you talk about so yeah i've been watching

quite a bit i've had a Colombo revival just like me I love Colombo so much but you know there are things you love so much that you neglect them hi guys you listening and that was it I loved Colombo but I've got the complete box set of all these series so I thought it's always there Colombo and then I was in on my own and I just flicked through the... You know there's never anything on telly you want to watch ever. And there was

Columbo and I thought, I'll have a look at that. And just instantly I thought, yes, this is why I was obsessed with Columbo all those years. To feel it immediately. Brilliant. Was it lots of, and i suspect it was uh lots of actors who had hadn't had their teeth done and i always find that quite comforting i

know yes those were the days now all we've got is mary beard and simon shama and me those are the only true um real allowed to decay, as the Roman ruins in Britain were allowed to decay, after their exit. Yeah, so that's that. Frank, also, just quickly, Gareth Hughes has been in touch. He was very excited, because there was something trending this week on social media. What's the most underrated British comedy series it

won't be shy a couple of people have said they think that should be Shane I think Shane was mentioned by a few people I think it was underrated but accurately regarding Columbo yeah I became aware the other day of the classic let's release

a tie-in book with this long-running TV show oh yeah and you know let's not always ensure that it's of maximum quality

but I'm very excited by this I came across it the other day cooking with Columbo oh fantastic Italian cookery

no colon suppers with the shambling sleuth I like that the shambling sleuth that's very good it's episode guides and you get a recipe from Columbo but also the guest stars

well I learnt a culinary technique from Columbo but also the guest stars? Well, I learnt a culinary technique from Columbo. What? I learnt? What does that mean? Oh, in real life. Yeah. No, not in real life, from the programme. He went into a place and he had chilli. And, of course, I always thought chilli came with rice,

but he had it in just a bowl of chilli. And he did that thing, which I have since done, totally on his inspiration, his crumbled crackers onto the top of the chilli. Texas style. Yeah. Someone I work with said, if we could get you anything for an end of series present,

what would it be? And I said, I'd like a signed photograph of Peter Falk as Columbo. And they got me. They contacted his agent and all that, and he signed it in block capitals. Yeah. Oh. And obviously I said, all right, no need to shout,

but it's not, I wasn't convinced. Has he got a glass eye, though? Yes, he does. All right, bring that up. I told you, I once had a debate on stage with David Baddiel about that because he said Columbo's got a glass eye and I said I'm not sure Columbo has got a glass eye

I think Peter Fox's got a glass eye that plays a real eye in the series but someone wrote to this show and said, no, there's a moment in Colombo when he says, like, I'll keep an eye on that and it'll have to be one

or something like that. So Colombo does have a glass eye as well. Oh, God. I'm glad we've cleared that up in the year of our Lord's 2000. Does the glass eye still exist as a phenomenon? Could I get a glass eye on the National Health Service?

Surely. Okay. I told you don't call me surely. You sound very confident, Pierre. I can't imagine they'll turn you down. Here's my... Christmas? Hold it.

My Iggy Pop fact has arrived. Okay. This is about Lost for Life. Released in the 70s. Okay. This is about Lost for Life. Released in the 70s but got most exposure in the 90s on the train spotting movie. Oh, is that correct?

It's a lame, it's a lame. Does he still, is he still? I mean, that's pretty generally. Is he still sans top,

Iggy Pop? Very, I tell you what, he's very long trunked. Oh, the trunk of the man. I saw him, I've seen him live a few times,

but the last time I saw him live, from the angle I was at, he looked like a, you know when a jacket in the box comes out and it's on, it's spring. Do you know, I hard relate with Iggy

because I have a long trunk. Do you? Yeah. And I mean, I think our similarities end there, pretty much. Okay. But it is tricky with clothing. You have to be careful.

And all I'm saying is, would I wear a low slung leather pant and nothing else? Probably not. Well, that's probably good this weather. But a crop top, a crop top... We come into our own then. Yeah, a crop top maker makes its own abyss

It could be stroking the belt or it could be above the navel It's true As an independence You find the measure of someone when they crop their top Yeah you do but that really gives you We have a lot of real estate

when we get the crop top out. Can I ask a final question? Does Iggy, I'm imagining he favours a black platform trainer in the sort of Rolling Stones mode? No, I think of him in a sort of a leather boot with the jeans, usually. That's horrible. Yeah. I saw him live at Birmingham when he sat on a dustbin and did a couple of numbers, and it was horrible. Yeah. I saw him live at Birmingham when he sat on a dustbin

and did a couple of numbers, and it was brilliant. Like Top Cat had got a cool cousin who'd come out of Milwaukee. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I would like to formally thank you for my wonderful Christmas present, which you gave me this morning. It was, I mean, very simply,

it's Brian Blessed's autobiography, and it's called Absolute Pandemonium. Yes. Which I would love him to do that show. I'd love him to do that. Yeah, that would be a great show on here. And then what he's done, I'll tell you what brian's done what he's done he's some might say rather unnecessarily he's got a little subtitle yes and he's put in uh obviously in block end

caps block caps my louder than life story well i as i said i wondered if the whole book might be in black capitals to suggest shouting but um he hasn't done that he's gone lowercase there's nothing lowercase about brian blessed is that no i'm so excited some of the pictures i mean there are some fabulous a lot of mark anthony with a lot of makeup heavy Oh, fabulous. It's going to be good. Thank you so much. My pleasure. Meanwhile, I turned to get the title of my book, but The Philosophy of...

I can't remember what it's called, but it's a Bob Dylan book about philosophy of modern song. I can't see the title for me. It was one of those great moments when I saw it in a shop and I thought, I'm going to treat myself to that, and I didn't get it, and then someone has the title for me. It was one of those great moments when I saw it in a shop and I thought, I'm going to treat myself to that. And I didn't get it. And then someone has bought it for me. Resultamundo.

Yeah. Oh, here's the thing. You know what? This happens to me. You might not know about this, Pierre, unless it came up in the van. But every now and again, I am struck as if I knew by

the fact it's always Test Cricket I got up a couple of days ago and Test Cricket live from Pakistan

was on my television and I have this I would say to my partner what about that actually that's actually happening in Pakistan now we can see

it here and look this time I embroidered it I said and look actually, that's actually happening in Pakistan now. We can see it here. And look, this time I embroidered it. I said, and look, there's snow outside. And we can see what's happening in Pakistan. And it really, I'm not, it really excites me. Oh, I'm so pleased for you. I'm going to say exhilarates.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Bringing that old catchphrase back. That I do believe it, wasn't it? Oh, yes, wasn't it? I had another realisation this week. I went to Ryman's, which is one of my favourite days out. Where else did you go? Beach, perhaps?

1972 did you go to? I love stationery, though though i've been in all its manifestations and i bought um they had some big four colors originals sure the other ones i mean the biro with a slide so you can write now i do a lot of color coding in my stand-up writing so i'll write in black and then I'll go through and underline some stuff in blue and then some stuff gets red. Hang on, what do you mean with the slide? So you've got four colours in the same pen.

Yeah. You must remember this, baby. Oh, those! Yes. And I saw this thing. There was a three-pack, I'll be straight with you. And I thought thought hold on I could just

have one pen in my pocket instead of having to have a black one, a blue one and a red one, and I've got green as a bonus and it was like a moment of oh my god and thought to that so I bought a three pack

and it had two big four four-collar originals, and one I haven't even tried yet, because I'm so excited, I don't want to rush you. A Bic four-collar Pro. What does that do? What does that do? No training wheels on this pen. Thought transfer.

On this baby. Maybe I just think green, and the slide slowly goes down. But what does the pro do that the original doesn't do? Are you ready for the pro, do you think? Well, when do I try the pro? I'm putting it off,

I'm putting it off. Build a day of recovery. And it's black, the pro. Is it? Yeah, it's like a night. What sort of nib size are we talking? Nib? Nib, if you mistake me for Charles Dickens.

The biro. Sorry, so do you dispense with the concept of the nib? It's a ball operator. It's a ball, but I would still call the tip the nib. We are not allowed to refuse nib. No, no, no, it's not ball operator. It's a ball, but I would still call the tip the noob. We are not allowed to refuse noob. No, no, no, it's not a noob. It's just standard. I don't know what it is on the pro.

It might flare out into like a... You know those brushes that you see jazz drummers using? It might have something like that. Who knows what the Pro will be? I'll have to tell you after the holidays if I've dared to try it by then. I'm really expecting... If there's a stationary enthusiast

who knows what the big four-colour Pro does that the big four-colour original does, I'm happy to have my joy anticipated. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This morning's text in, don't forget, do you eat the butter ceiling on pate? So I... Perhaps I should clarify that.

No joke, no pun intended. I was, as I say, it's hamper season, and I've got a fine pate, a smoked salmon pate, and it's got a butter ceiling. So the top two millimetres at least is-solid butter that you have to break through. Yeah. It's kind of like a sort of Dolph Lundgren flat top in the Rocky films, I think they were called. But would...

Dragan? And that's high in protein. I find it too much, so I discard the butter sealing. What do you mean, you cut it off? I break through it as if I was an Inuit seeking fish. Yes. And then I scoop it out and take that off and just get stuck into the squidgy.

Scoop pate. It's all a bit haphazard. I can't eat a sheet of butter. I mean, for God's sake. Who am I, Robert Carrier? I mean, it's not... Robert Carrier, when I was living in a council house, I used to watch this film called...

this programme called Food, Wine and Friends, which was so far from my own life. It's not even named for a programme! Food, Wine and Friends! program called food wine and friends which is so far from my own life if it had been coming from mars it could not have been more alien to me robert carry i would say yes i'm going to make um a positive and and then he would you'd see him going to the airport he would go to France to get some herbs from a field and then he'd come back and then Susan Hampshire would visit

and sound like describing my childhood so far and he would cook her a meal and that was food, wine and friends I was fascinated by it but I can't there can't be two things happening on earth that are more different than my life at the time but he's but um so god bless him so the patty pierre how would you approach the uh what are you calling

it frank the head the i'm calling it the butter ceiling the butter ceiling how would you approach the butter ceiling i think i'd have to do my best to incorporate it. Oh, would you? Wild. Yes, you're quite a forager. Yeah, but I don't want my smoked salmon pate to be like a rocky road Ben & Jerry's. With chunks of brittle butter instead of dime bars.

Do you know, Ben & Jerry's is the lush of the ice cream world. Is it? Is world. Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it?

Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? I thought it was the...

No, no. I just mean, there's a lot in there. Oh, yeah. And lush. I always say, I don't want my soap to have bacon and egg in it

or whatever they put in there. And I find that a bit with Ben & Jerry's. I wish them well. Lovely work they're doing, but come on, I don't throw sardines in the TV

and the ice cream. I just want ice cream. Yeah. Well, I remember having to explain to a girlfriend that the scratches on my back were from my sandalwood and hazelnut soap. Didn't work.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I had some toffee beer this week what's that? toffee beer is the Harry Potter phenomenon butter beer

homemade if you can't get butterscotch essence and you can only get toffee and I I don't know if you've ever tried butter beer If you can't get butterscotch essence and you can only get toffee. That's what it is. Okay. And I don't know if you've ever tried butter beer, the Harry Potter drink. No. It is so good.

I can't believe that Harry Potter Inc., which don't feel like an organisation who are loathe to make money and expand fiscally, have them put it in every corn shop, basically. It's really nice. But now that I've seen it reduced to a recipe, I realise it's basically a drink that was very commonplace when I was a kid called American ice cream soda.

And it's that with just a little bit of butterscotch in it. Done. I went to the Harry Potter shop in King's Cross this weekend. Did you stop for a quick photo next to the wall holding the trolley?

No, I didn't do that. There was a large queue to hold that trolley. But I would say it's probably the most expensive shop in the world. Harrods has nothing on the Harry Potter shop. No, it's incredible. It's absolutely... Even more so than your other old favourite, the M&M.

Yeah, but the M&M is basically free compared to the Harry Potter shop. Is it? Is there an alarm in J.K. Rowling's house that will eventually go off and say, enough, and she'll tell that it relaxed. Let's drop the price. It's unbelievable. Is it? I don't know.

I said on here before, I've been established both by questionnaire and by random dice throwing as a member of Ravenclaw House. Okay. And I thought I'd get a badge. I'd just get a little tiny lapel badge. Support the troops. $7.99. Yes, yes.

I mean, I'm sorry. Must be, is this a mistake? For a badge? It's, um... A badge? You know, and I love Harry Potter. You know, I've read the books to my kid. He's seen all the films.

It means a tremendous amount to a lot of people. Not to me, but it does mean... It doesn't mean that much. Well, I do remember I saw the first film with you, Frank. Oh, yes, we went to the premiere together. The first and last time I've ever... Yes, I remember that. I remember Jonathan Ross coming and taking our wands

because he said, you won't need those because you don't have children. So that was brutal, I thought. Fairly brutal. As he jammed them into his back pocket. He had a sack of wands. Like his kids ever saw those wands. Oh, my God, he could have taken on

He Who Shall Not Be Named and not be troubled by it. But that was a free Harry Potter thing. Those were the days. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram. I'm Frank on the radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I've just had a request in for you. Oh, yeah. Maybe it should be safe for all fair. It's a request, but I think you might feel all right about this.

We'll soon find out. Frank would like to speak with Terry Butcher today. Pardon? Would you like to chat with Terry Butcher today? No. Why? It's about the three lions. Let's just pretend three lines never happened i know i know frank i know i can't even think about it i put the curse on harry i said i described harry kane

as the best striker in the world on this show last week and that very night he missed the penalty oh frank poor harry i know i'm still the best striker in the world i would agree with that can i say i'm feeling a bit sort of bony today i've been here lost a bit of weight so i've put um to sit on i've used the envelope from emily's christmas card which is such an expensive envelope it's cushioned well that's why that your your hair scrapes the ceiling this morning. I might take a bow for my dog to go in its basket. Pierre, I came in this morning and I've heard about your

envelope. Yes. Honestly. This is my normal greeting to anyone. Let's see if I can get them to sponge on, Mike. Yeah. Gosh. That's an envelope with tog, isn't it? Oh, man.

Yeah, I wonder what tog is. Winter rating, 30. We'll have to ask Smythson, so obviously I don't get a discount from, because no one gets a discount from these people. The card was a bit toasty when it came out. So maybe that. Have we had any news on,

I don't know what we've been talking about, stationery, the butter ceiling? There's so much going on. Okay. We have some news on Clive Silas regarding the butter ceiling. Until now, I thought that was just pure fat. Hashtag idiotic eureka moment live. Well, I'm guessing, but it's very yellow and uh i think it's butter i must admit i did uh

there was a phase where i just thought oh they're sort of as they mix it it rises to the top and it forms this naturally how marvelous i like the idea of that phase in your life very naive young man i think it's butter ceiling i'll tell you what it is uh It's to preserve... Is that what women in the dairy industry talk about? The butter sealing? It's essentially to... It's like aspic, isn't it? So it's to preserve the pate for longer. You can eat it.

Of course you can cut it off. I wouldn't advise it in company, but if that's how you choose to behave, so be it. Well, like I say, i took it out more or less wholesale yeah um like like an inuit would cut a hole in in ice like that yeah and and i've i've i've finished the pate now and i've ended up with one of those jars what i call a grosh jar it's got a bit of a grosh um fastener. And it always seems wrong to throw them away because, I don't know, I imagine them in a shed with screws in them,

even though that will never happen in my life. Yes. But it's hard to throw away one of those with the Grolsch fastener. You feel you're doing something wrong. But what can I put in it? Just more pate, I think, is the problem. But it comes in its own jar well that's it use it as some lovely rosemary can you get a packet yeah packet um that's how that you then decant in a

sort of like a like an like an icing uh squeezer yeah something like that oh i don't like the idea don't like the idea of a duck coming through a nozzle you have some Don't like the idea of a duck coming through a nozzle. You have to have some sort of respect for the dead. A duck piping. No, exactly. That just seems wrong to me. I know they're gone, but you know.

They're gone! We're talking about a number of things this morning morning can i say that the studios just exploded that um fay has brought in a cake that i would be happy to buy from um any fancy baker oh yeah yeah it's incredible which she's made and And then Molly has made some reindeer biscuits using pretzels for antlers. I mean, that's clever. It's turned into some random bake-off. That is clever. So, yeah, we really are.

And Sarah got us all a chocolate Santa. If it snows now and it's 20 foot high, we could live for four days. What do you think, looking at the Santa, without wishing to body shame Santa, I've got to be honest, I think Santa, he's differently proportioned to myself and Iggy Pop, but I do think what he has in common with us, he's got a slightly wider girth, let's be honest. But I think the torso, he looks quite long-torsoed, Frank. For the chimney.

Yes. Oh, is that what it is, Pierre? So he can sort of manoeuvre himself through various... I have to say, yes, he's very light on hips. Yes, he's naked. He looks like a chimney dweller. Yeah. I mean, I feel that he's very light on hips. Yes, he's naked. He looks like a chimney dweller.

Yeah. I mean, I feel that he's straining to keep his belt up because there's no shape underneath. No. I don't like the way, I mean, obviously you can't see, but mine, the bell is hanging at the front in a way. I don't like the positioning. No, I don't like the bell there.

Okay. What I would say is he hasn't got an awful lot of junk in the trunk. No? It's less... But you can't afford... I mean, I know he's often portrayed as fat, but if you're a... Take the chimney way into Holmes,

he can't afford to get too retoned. No. His belly's less like a big bowl full of jelly and more like a sort of ramekin of jelly. I guess if you saw him in the summer, he's probably a big bloke, and then he goes into a sort of a hardcore training boot camp, Rocky montage in the snow.

Does he do some... Black boot with white fur top cap. Does he do a sort of Mark Wahlberg set the alarm for 3am? Isn't that the thing that actors think make them brilliant actors, when you lose or gain weight very quickly as if that oh man

what a brilliant actor who's lost three stones in two months fantastic well the slimmer of the year then should be in for an Oscar nomination I tell you

he was a big fan of that McConaughey yeah oh McConaughey loves a bit of Weight Watchers but they really think that makes and the thing that makes

me angriest of all there's so many ugly people out of work, and then you get beautiful actresses and actors who put a pair of glasses and some false teeth on and pad themselves out and take work that ugly people should be getting. It's like Colin Farrell playing the penguin in Batman.

Absolutely, it's outrageous. There's a fat little man out there with a penguin-like face who can't pay his mortgage because handsome, handsome Colin Farrell. As if they're not getting enough. It's really wrong. You're right. Poor old character. I mean, they used to have a...

Ugly face, I call it. They used to be. You're like the character actor. I mean, the death of the character actor. Yeah, I find it really resentful, the big false nose and all that. It was a reason not to moisturise. Don't do ugly tourism.

We're not having it. No. You've got to walk the walk. If you're going to be an ugly actor, you've got to be an ugly actor in the green room. Yeah. Scraggly, lined face. How dare you?

Features. Fat actors watching thin actors put on force down to play a part I mean smash their faces if I call all of them yeah

that's got to stop I bet that's for a New Year's resolution for Hollywood well speaking of weight gain Chris Walker gets in touch regarding the butter sealing

oh yeah and says scrape off butter spread on hot toast, and it will melt. Then top with the pate. Boing, boing. What, it all comes in? It's a sort of a sandwich kit. Yeah.

Well, they should have put some toast in there and gotten a whole lot. The toast layer, like it's a horrible savoury trifle. Yeah, I think. Oh, God, it's so... A savoury trifle. Yeah, I think... Oh, God, it's so... A savoury trifle. How lovely. I remember someone wrote to the show in the very early days

and said they liked to microwave their pork pie so that the jelly melted and when they took the roof off the pork pie, it looked like a meat-based Coke float. Oh, God. Goodnight. pork pie. It looked like a meat based coke float. Oh god. Goodnight. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Where's Pierre? Pierre has just arrived. The track wasn't I don't ask. I think if you're a wife of more than a whole track I don't ask. Oh. Did you go... I think if you're a wife of more than a whole track, you don't ask. Oh, really? That's going to be like open-heart surgery.

Do you know, it wouldn't surprise me if Fer did a bit of that, mid-sot. I mean, he's got that in his game. He's probably just done a podcast. Yeah, he's done three. Just 100 push-ups or something. Oh, he did that did we get any big yes um four color pro news we did we did we've had diane k sharp oh i like i like the sound of diane k sharp

looks like a fellow big four color aficionado in Peter Piper, the prose seems to be all about the grip. And what Diane K Sharp has included is a screen grab of an Amazon review. She's gone in quite deep, Diane K Sharp. Good old Diane. Who would you say was the most prominent central initial people of the age? Oh, lovely. It's died out a bit, hasn't it?

Do you remember William G. Stewart, who used to host 15 to 1? Why bother with that? You tend to get the middle names or middle initials with assassins and serial killers in America. Oh, it's terrible, but it's true. Of course you do. Lee Harvey Oswald. Yeah, but he wasn't Lee H. Oswald. He wasn't Lee H. Oswald.

To his friends. Yeah, on his tax returns. Lee H. Yeah, Lee H. How's it going? Ah, busy. And then you get the guys. What about those guys that go initial first of all? F. Scott Fitzgerald. What about, was there a Murray Abraham,

something Murray Abraham, the Amadeus actor? Oh, yeah. I'm sure he was an initial. Did he have an F? Was he F Murray Abraham? He might have been, or that could have just been graffiti on his Winnebago. OK, I don't know.

I love a first initial. Who does it now does Will.i.am count because he's very complicated all sorts of poncho William Ignatius Am yeah exactly

yeah I don't know Will.i.am I think where it started generally was with your writers it was a novelist's conceit wasn't it your G.K. Chesterton's we have all sorts of them

don't we a.a mills they were the thank you they were the only people it was very much their manner but i'm on about even though i was double initial i'm on about someone who's called he's got a middle yeah i know william h macy lovely who's that the actor from fargo quite goggle eyes. My favourite, just the solitary initial, is H. Samuel. I love, who thought,

that's a bloke who started off in quite a narrow shop, isn't he? And thought, I can't get, I can't get Hiram on there, I'm just going to go H. Samuel. I mean, what?

I love that that's fabulously minimalist it's the mystery of it you know if I sign a lot of stuff I sign F Skinner

for that it's a tribute to H Samuel we were talking we were talking. Okay. We were talking. We were talking. About bit pens.

Yeah. And Diane K. Sharp. Yes. Has shared with us. Not Diane K. Sharpie. No. Our pen expert. She should be.

Diane K. Sharp has shared with us a screen grab of an Amazon review. Long and wet. Well, this is from... It's an Amazon review. Oh, lovely. Oh, you didn't go Bezos. You went the original. Exactly. This is from Peter

Piper. I would describe him as a pen fanatic. Back to all those pickled peppers. Well, I'll tell you what... He bicked. What I like is Peter Piper has in parenthesis, next to his name on the review, top 500 reviewer.

Oh. Oh, God, I don't think I'll bring it up. Top 500. That's like in Blackpool Tower, they've got a thing saying the 122nd tallest freestanding tower in the world. All right. To be fair to PP, this might have been Amazon that did this. It might not be his work.

He might have what they used to call, when I was growing up, a certificate. He might have a certificate. So Peter Piper says big four-colour pens have their fans. Yeah. But also some people who find them a bit too thick or slippery to hold. Personally, I'm a big fan of these pens and have been since I first used them at school in the late 1970s

Bit got the design right first time but the pens have evolved over the years to add new colours fine writing tips and soft grips not to mention the various barrel colour options Pardon? Barrel colour options

These pro pens Oh here we go we're into pro territory Yeah Hold on. Barrel colour. Oh, barrel, okay. These Pro pens, in quotes... Oh, here we go. We're into Pro territory. Yeah. Sorry, the level of excitement on your face when I mention Pro. What's the Pro got?

These Pro pens will delight many Bic fans and might even convert a few of the people who don't like Bic 4 colour pens due to their very comfortable contoured soft-feel grip. Oh, so it's all about grip. I'm not getting any extra. It's not thought transference sliding. Performance is good and they last well.

OK. OK? Well, I mean, I've got one now. Yeah. So, um... I thought it was very noble at the start of that review for him to say, they've got their fans. Yeah?

These kinds of pens. Yeah, big fans. I mean, who knew they were out there? Well, we've learned something as well. Well, I have, because the barrel, the barrel is not a word I would have associated with the pen. No, but you know, he's got a point. If you're a bit clammy, it's a very gloss barrel.

You can find yourself slipping all over the place in terms of also the middle initial characters yes we've had a few sent through um ruth jordan sent through donald j trump middle initials but you're not counting generally called that you see we've had one we will count i I think, from the show's very own Daisy Knight. Oh, Daisy Knight, our former producer. Yes. And now, overgroup and furor. Thank you, Mark.

I think that's her official title. She's very, very high up now. Daisy Knight, I think this is great work from DK. Samuel L. Jackson. Of course. Of course. She nailed it. You forget him at your peril Yeah you know when I thought when the name came up a kangaroo jumped across my consciousness

as if it had left the front of his kangal Oh who's the gonzo journalist Onta S Thompson Well we're on an absolute roll now just out of the respect to our listeners we'll do most of it off air. Frank, may I briefly just, I feel I have to tell you this. Steve Aldcroft has sent in an image of someone

which I think will be very dear to your heart. In terms of the middle initial, there might be a hero of yours that you may have somewhat overlooked. Okay. I will kick you off. E for Edward. He is someone whose music is quite polarising.

I was thinking E Houseman. He's no longer with us, sadly. I think you may have met him. And one of my favourite of his output is Spoiled Victorian Child. Of course, Mikey Smith. Oh God, how could I have forgotten that?

Unbelievable. Of course. And what about Anton D. Beck? And A.J. Ratcliffe finally says, special mention for George R.R. Martin, who decided one initial wasn't enough. He decided to take a sort of posh laugh. That's a middle name.

George R.R. Martin. Yes. What does the R in the R stand for? Rock and roll, I think. I think he's the grandfather of Ned Rock and Roll, who went out with Kate Winslet. Married her, I believe. Did she marry him? Oh, Mrs. Rock and Roll. That's a good thing. What does the RR stand for? I think, what do you think? Is it George RR Martin? It is. So it was, did he do it to distinguish himself from the Beatles producer?

I mean, I can't imagine there'd be much confusion because... Well, George Martin, pretty famous. Well, that's what I mean, but George RR Martin, the Beatles producer wasn't, as far as I'm aware, fond of, didn't have a long beard and wore the caps and the purple waistcoats with moon, sun and stars on them. But you can imagine, George, our Martin starting out and thinking, I don't want people to think I'm that guy who did.

I have a suspicion that it was some canny marketing on the part of Mr Martin, thinking, do you know what fantasy authors tend to sound like? You've got Tolkien and Rowling. We've got to get some initials in here. OK, yes. We've got to get some of that subliminal recognition. Like Ian M. Banks.

Yes, he's come up a few times, as has Harry H. Corbyn. Well, of course, Ian M. Banks, when he wrote what I would call non-sci-fi, it was Ian Banks. And then when he wrote sci-fi, it was Ian M. Banks, so he sort of distinguished the two and of course J.K. Rowling has also got another initial thing, Galbraith

Yes, yes I think with the authors though we have to accept you know, we can't these authors are a law unto themselves and they will do that but the celebrities in the entertainment field it is more of a rarity. The politics, people have been sending in a lot of presidents.

John F. Kennedy. Harry S. Truman. Maybe we should limit it to show business. I think we should. We've got to be strict about this. Can we also please discuss something which I thought was massively up your strata? Oh, I saw this.

I thought of you. Do you know what I'm talking about, Pierre? It involves Lego. Ah, yes. And the Nazarene. Yes. Oh, the Lego church. Did you say...

Oh, do you know, Frank, that I really felt happy for you. A font made of actual Lego. Well, I've never felt, I think, more of a shortfall between a headline and an actual body of text. Because when it said Lego Church does first baptism,

I imagined, do you know the Ice Hotel? Yes. I imagined the church completely constructed of Lego and I thought, wow, that's going to be incredible. Ideally in Denmark,

where Lego is from. It's at the home of Lego, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I have to say the baptism was more that someone had made a square frame out of Lego and put a bowl in the middle of it. Oh, no. I had questions about the waterproofness. As someone who tried to use Lego to hold water as a child.

Did you? It doesn't hold water. What were you making? Some sort of Lego gobbler? Even if you put it on one of its pimply platforms. Water will bead readily on the surface of Lego. But when you want to make a moat or some sort of body of water... We'll delve into this.

I mean, it's a Church of England thing, so it's not exactly my area. Lego seems a bit on's a Church of England thing, so it's not exactly my area. Lego seems to be on trend for Church of England. I thought they'd be more stickle bricks. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Pierre Novelli and Josh Whittaker, who've just gone past. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. I had a breath. Where's my inhaler?

Email, email, email. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. There's an argument for email becausemail because there's e-other things yeah I mean I miss the e-cigarette terminology vape

is an ugly word but the e-cigarette beautiful what about that man I went out with Frank who's turned into a vape billionaire

is that right yeah really wow I'm actually quite proud of that he goes very early to the market.

A friend of mine growing up in North London, and we became more than friends briefly. Who would have predicted the vape boom? Just think, I could be living in an e-cig mansion. You could be living on a cotton candy flavoured cloud. Do you think they have anything in the house? It's sort of an homage to how the fortune was built? I think he enters the room like on Stars in the Rite.

He comes to a cloud of banknotes. What I'd do, if I was the wife of the ESIG millionaire, but billionaire, I would, I don't know if he's quite billionaire, but he's doing well for himself, I'd have a thing where when you press the bell, there would be a cloud of smoke for every guest that entered the house yeah even yeah well wow i've never occurred to me there's such a thing as a white millionaire see if they'd start with e-cigarette an e-millionaire sounds even better i think

that's true and it'd be nice in 100 years when someone very, very posh can walk down a flight of stairs in a stately home and say, of course, the family money comes from vaping, the vape trade. Yeah. Yes, I'd love that. I don't like the vaping thing. Oh, well. I think I'm bitter because I had a joke about e-cigarettes,

which when I wrote it, I thought, this is such a great joke. I'm so proud of this I don't think it ever got a laugh and then I was saying I've got an e- I smoke an e- cigarette unless I'm feeling a bit melancholy and bittersweet and then I smoke an e-minor cigarette and I think it was too much

for people they didn't want to hear it when you say too much they didn't want to hear it I like the fact that you don't acknowledge maybe they didn't find it funny it's too don't acknowledge that maybe they didn't find it funny. It's too much for their small minds. They didn't find it funny. Okay, okay. I'm not saying they have small minds.

Their mind's the same size as mine. It's just not as well stocked. Anyway, let us not forget. What were we talking about? The Lego baptism. The Lego baptism, which is to say a normal baptism conducted through nominally a sort of Lego font. Yeah, but not really a Lego baptism. The Lego baptism, which is to say a normal baptism conducted through

nominally a sort of Lego font. Yeah, but not really a Lego font. No, I was disappointed about that.

I thought that I was picturing a baby sort of being baptized quite rapidly before the water sort of fizzled out of the gaps

in the bridge. But you could do that. It's a fairly swift business. Yeah. I mean, how long before we're on here discussing the first Lego burial?

Which, that, you see, I think you'd have a better chance with, wouldn't you? Ashes to ashes, bricks to bricks. Yeah. But you probably could construct a Lego casket. There's got to be some eccentric Dane who's done that. Oh, I bet, yeah. I mean, not the eccentric Dane who's done that I mean not the eccentric Dane but what you don't

I don't think that's fair I don't see that in a production of Hamlet but what you don't want is grave robbers turning up with a big orange lever with Lego Grandpa hair Frank's in on Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, did you see the title of the church man who was overseeing the Lego baptism?

No. The Reverend Prebendary Stephen Cook. Okay, I don't know what prebendary means. I think that's a C of E thing. It's definitely a C of E thing. I looked it up. What do you mean? It's his title.

He's the Reverend Pre-Bendry. There may be other reverends, but only Stephen is Pre-Bendry. Okay, I had a reverend once who I... I'm not going to... I'll be totally blank. I don't like the sound of this. Was he Bendry or Pre-Bendry? He was Wondery. Oh, okay.

He was Bryce P. Wondery. That was his name? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. That'd be a little initial. It'd be good if he'd been a pre-Bendry. Yeah.

He should tell me if I'm wrong. He wasn't someone I saw on a regular basis like Frank, but he came into my life for practical purposes during a period when I needed his services. Fair enough. Well, I think I, when I read this, I remembered of an old priest we used to have in Barewood when I lived back home in the West Midlands.

Barewood? And he said, Now I hear that St Mary's is doing a mass which they call a fun mass. And there was a terrible pause and we all thought, oh no, he said, there'll be no fun here, is what he said. That was the end of that. He was a fierce man.

Frank, just briefly, Domo, Russell T Davies. Of course. It turns out, Frank, a lot of your faves... Many of my heroes have got the middle thing. And also, let's not forget another of your heroes, Jack P Shepard won the British Soap Award for Villain of the Year. I don't know Jack P Shepard. I know Jack Shepard, the highwayman, who I believe swam across,

I can't remember which body of water it was, in manacles. Was it? And made it. Oh no, that was someone else. Yeah. Whilst we're on the Lego church then. I don't want to diss.

Look, if it's getting people into the church, it's great. But it's not a Lego church. In the way that a chip shop is not made of chips. You go into a standard shop and there's chips in there that's what that is the way in which it is a Lego church well they've set up the uh this pair uh it sounded slightly judgmental and sinister this pair you know you often hear criminals referred to in that way I don't mean'm sure they are. I don't mean to do that. They sound lovely people. And they set up a Lego church in Devon. Okay.

Which, the point of this is to encourage children to have an interest in sort of biblical matters through play. I think the idea is that they recreate Bible stories. Oh, with Lego Grandpa. In Lego. With Lego. Lego Grandpa would be Methuselah. Yes.

Some Bible scenes much tougher to Lego than others be Methuselah. Yes. Some Bible scenes much tougher to Lego than others. I know, yeah. And also, you've got to take your Lego where you can get it. You know,

you're liable to get Luke Skywalker in a coat of many colours. Well, I don't want Moses with his little spanner hands clutching other tablets like that. That would be fine, I think. What, the spanner hands clutching other tablets like that. That would be fine, I think.

What, the spanner hands on the tablets? You know those little thin, those tiny little thin Lego bricks? Yes, I do know them. He could be holding two of those in his spanner hand. I brought the Braille ones first. We'll get those, Donna, then I'll go back

for the hard copy. It was a Tim Burton film, wasn't it? Moses Spanner Hands? If it was, I'd watch it. We're in the Lego church, are we not?

We are. We're in the world of Lego. We were talking earlier about, I was concerned about Moses' spanner hands. Frank pointed out rather brilliantly that the, what are you calling them, Frank, the flat Lego pieces could be used for tablets. I don't know what the term is,

but there are grey, thin ones, the sort of things that you get covering the gaps on a Millennium Falcon. Yeah. Very useful for walls, I find. Yeah. I think that's generally true of Lego. But talking of the Millennium Falcon, this is what worries me a bit about the biblical Lego.

It all looks a bit suspiciously Jedi. Some of it, I think. Yes. It's a bit Tatooine because they do work for both, don't they? But I think the Jedi look is quite biblical anyway. I think that's right. Lots of robes. Does this open the

window, do you think, towards Lego blasphemy? This is what I'm saying. Do you, you you know is the tatooine slash nazarene are they happy bedfellows i i think i'm i'm okay with that personally yeah um you do get bearded um lego people yes but it's a bit more bgs yes don't you find the the lego beards are a bit um no they are a bit barry gibb sorry yeah yes don't you find the Lego beards are a bit... No, they are a bit Barry Gibb. Barry Gibb, sorry. Yes. Don't you mean they don't get it quite right?

Yeah. No, I think that's fair. A Lego Crozier would be great. A full Bishop's Crook Crozier entirely in Lego. Is he taking it to show? Yeah, I don't... You could make it very elaborate. You mean life-sized?

Life-sized. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that working. I'm thinking like um the ninjago guys as the evil brothers of joseph yes yes one of the ninjago legos jay i think has actually got that you know that thing that people do with their eyebrow when they sort of cut a swathe through it? Oh, yes.

Who's the most famous? One of the Boyzone men did that. Shane, I believe. Yeah, it's quite a popular thing, but I think it could be used. The J figure could be used when they tell the story of the parting of the Red Sea. Often, rarely do they use a Lego eyebrow

as symbolism in that tale. I don't know why. Do you know what I would say? If you live in Lego world, it's not fair. If you're a fan of curves, you're in the wrong world. No, I know. It's very straight lines. Because the people are very up and down.

Yeah. You can get a sort of, I went to Legoland and I went to a class which talked about helter skelter talked about um helter skelter dynamics not helter skelter i was gonna say what's the things um what's the the thing roller coaster roller coaster dynamics i was thinking you don't go on an emotional helter skelter unless it's real things are really bad you do probably so um yeah, and they showed how to do that and how important friction is in the world of the... So they did have curved ramps.

Oh, OK. No, I think it was standard Lego stuff, yeah. OK, so just to recap... You don't want to go lapsing into Lego City, the most boring aspect of Lego. No celebrities in it, no well-known franchises. It's just people. Is it?

Forget it. Lego City. You're a real Lego glory hound. Yeah. I don't want to go Lego City. No. Take me down to Lego City where everyone looks the same

and they aim pretty. Take me to Ninjago. Yes. I don't think that's going to be released. No, I don't. Firstly, lovely little message for Faye, whose last show is today on our team.

And this is from Keep Flying Real. OK. Good luck, Faye. We'll miss hearing your laughter in the background. Isn't that nice? I like that. Can we also... You've gone quiet.

Is that something I shouldn't have said? I'm just trying to work out whether it's a friend of Faye's. Is it a friend of yours? I don't think it is. No. But what I like is they've ended it with, good luck on your next venture. Okay.

It's quite formal. Already started the next venture. Do you want to say where you're going, Faye, or do you rather not? You're allowed to say... Yeah, she's saying you're allowed. She's working with national hero Gary Lineker at his podcast company.

What about that? Free crisps. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a thought. Yeah. Lovely. And free satellite reception through the ears. How dare you.

No, no, she's got a very good job and well done you. No, no, she's got a very good job and well done you. Frank, can we go down to previously Ali? Oh, yes. Let me see what I've got here. Under Milkwood reading about to begin. Come on, let's do something. Previously on this show.

Oh, hold on, let's put my flute down. I don't think it was. Was it flute? Anyway. So, you were talking... Was it last week you were talking about marshmallows? Yes, well, it was... We went through a whole... We had some very helpful readers.

I was talking about I'd had a tonics hamper. And tonics, if you may know, tea cakes and stuff, they have a lot of variety. But I'd say that marshmallow is at the centre of their creativity. And I was debating what it was. And it turned out that mallow is an actual plant that you get this thing from, which did shock me. And then I said, well, so does it come from a marsh? Ha ha, how funny I am. And the answer was yes, it does come from the sides of rivers and stuff like that. And they say you make marshmallow, which I was blown away by that.

Well, also, we've got some... Well, we find that sausages come from bull rushes is that the next revelation yes it is well well

you'd be surprised I haven't been surprised since the 80s what would the bull rushes be in the Lego world I'd like you two

to think about that hmm okay after listening to the Totally Tannocks podcast i found myself that's our show by the way that's not a podcast that exists in its own right called totally tunnocks no i found myself spending way too much time pondering the origin of marshmallow and felt the need to investigate and i would say joanne has gone deep okay it transpires that mallow we love mallow

yes was made by squeezing the sap from the mallow plant that grew in the marshes of ancient egypt and mixing it with honey i don't know about the honey bit no and it was considered a treat for gods and royalty. So when you're tucking into your totally tallux... It feels like it's a treat for gods and royalty. In many people's eyes, you are. It is like eating a very sweet cloud. Oh, that's beautiful. Is that why mummies sort of mumble and are indistinct when they sort of come to life?

Because they've got a mouthful of marshmallows. I don't know that I've ever... Yeah, you're so right. I've only got accounts of mummies coming to life second hand. Really? I've never actually seen one. That's why they have the outstretched hands. They're heading to a local confectioner.

Reaching into a big bowl. Here's the thing, you're right. Mummies are really inarticulate, and I've often wondered, is it because of the bandages, or did they just not pay attention at school? What is going on there? Poor diction.

I just think death really takes it out of you. Yeah, but why do they make any noise? Why not be silent? Why go, mmm? Well, Muhammad Ali used to have a sort of stand-up routine about this, about how anyone ever got caught by a mummy when they just, you see, so they walk like this. How do they catch anyone?

And he used to do a proper stand-up about it. That's quite decent material. You wouldn't heckle. No. No. No, maybe not. Can I say mummy's very thick knees? I always feel a bit...

Thick knees, the mummy's, Frank. Having met a few boxers, they must get really sick of people saying stuff like, well, obviously we're not going to argue with you because people say light all the time. Yeah. I'd have to hit someone if I was a boxer. Okay. Okay.

Okay. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Okay, so Felicity Taylor has sent through Richard E. Grant. Oh, yes. Lovely example. I should have got him as well,

fellow forehead dominated man. Oh, yes. I used to go around his house and we used to project our favourite movies onto each other's foreheads. What a night that was. Who else is in your gang? Who are the other Tweety Party?

Mr Lardy Dargoner Graham from In Our Hot Mop Can we mention In Our Hot Mop? We can't Is Mr Lardy Dargoner Graham still with us? I doubt it

I don't know if he is I think he was more bald as well whereas me and Richard have kept our hair we've just I don't know about him I have to stand on a chair

to comb the front of my hair otherwise i can't reach it on the plus side i think it makes you both it has youth giving properties yes okay i think in a thousand years time everyone will look like me and richard e grant it's just an evolutionary process yeah you see you know I have a theory that everyone, once you hit 55, really, everyone, regardless of gender, looks basically like Arthur Scargill. And if you can just lean into that, you'll be OK. OK. All right. We were in the previously section.

You were. Is there anything that particularly struck you? Yes. Regarding the Great Ampersand. Oh, is there anything that particularly struck you? Yes, regarding the great ampersand trial. I wonder how many people have incorporated that into a Christmas game. Surely. In case you didn't hear it last week, all you have to do is don't tell anyone, don't warn them up front, and then you say, right, you have to draw an ampersand from memory.

Honestly, it's like the generation ago. Ideally, you'd sort of pull out a revolver as you demand this as well. Draw an ampersand. We try not to encourage that here on Absolute. I want some sort of deer hunter. Or as we've called it, I'm afraid, at university with beer, the beer hunter. Oh, did you call it that? And we did cans of beer, I'm afraid.

I used to play the deer hunter theme on this show quite a bit, do you remember? I used to look as if it was a letter to Hunter. Oh, I see. What was it called, that programme? Gladiators. Gladiators ready? Pardon?

I was just saying, gladiators ready. Anyway, we're near the end of the show. Oh. Were you about to say something, Pierre?

Well, a short missive regarding ampersands from Keith. Go on, fire it out. Dear Frank, no one in my circle

of friends would know what an ampersand is and I'd like to keep it that way. That's someone who's happy with their lot and I envy them now we're actually off for two weeks now but uh don't worry there'll be two best of podcasts for you to enjoy there will be one sort of show which will be a best of but there'll be a podcast for each of the weeks which is the

best of this last year imagine Imagine how good that'll be. And so we come to the end. I have to say goodbye to our assistant producer, Faye, who is leaving us today, who we will miss very, very much, has been a very important contribution to the whole project, and whose energy fills the whole building. Anyway, people move on, and we wish her very very

well but she leaves with our love and best wishes and thank you for listening to us this year and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time three weeks toodaloo.