The Frank Skinner Show - Buzz Cut

Episode Date: May 2, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! Frank has had his first lockdown home haircut and has spotted something unusual when he watched Spiderman 3. The team also discuss Boris welcoming his new baby, Drake’s expensive mattress and dog voices.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live, I've got to tell you that, so don't text the show because you'll be wasting your money and I don't want anyone to do that in the current climate. But you can follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram. And you can still email us via the Absolute Radio website. And if we don't get to you direct, which we might do, we will get to you retrospectively,

which in a way you've had time to marinate. I think it makes your communication even richer in many ways. Hello, Alan and Emily. Hello. Hello, chaps. Just I should tell our readers, obviously, I can Hello, Alan and Emily. Hello. Hello, chaps. Just, I should tell our readers, obviously I can't see Alan and Emily. We're each in our own lockdown situations,

but it's always lovely to hear their voices, I must say. I've been, I've really now fully embraced lockdown and all its manifestations, I must say. This week I had my first lockdown haircut. Excellent. Which was, I sent off for some hair clippers. Oh, you were concerned last week that they weren't charging, if I remember right.

Oh, yes. Well, what a fool I was. Because what I found out was as soon as i pulled out the charging plug they worked but they wouldn't let me start with the charger in who knew oh they've got a safety system like a lawnmower yeah you can't you can't start with the charger in this isn't my area i think king arthur's stable boy right Right. I told you that once. Yeah. Yes. Anyway, well, I'm glad it's not your hair. Let's keep your hair out of this as far as clippers are concerned.

There are no clippers involved, yeah. No. So, the first touch of the hair clippers to their hair is really quite a moment. Because, obviously, if you take out like a square inch because i had them right down to three i thought if i'm gonna cop yeah i wanted some scalp skinhead escapes exactly so um you're quite you're quite full-on aren't you like when you i remember you saying before that when you get cash out of the machine you go the full 200 you always fill the car up to the top always and it seems to carry on over if you're going to shave your head you're going right down to the wood yeah what

you've heard about the electricity bill oh yeah of course so i tried drawing a line around my head in chalk and saying please tell me you're joking i am not joking I swear that's true my plan was to do that and saying to my seven year old remove everything below that line sort of deforestation approach and then I realised that because of I forgot

I'd gone grey some years ago and the chalk just didn't show up so I took off a slice at the side. This is the moment. This is the jump off the cliff moment. You know this, Al, when you step on stage and you think, here goes, new material.

I'm going to do it. Well, this was that feeling. And so I went right up one side, and then I just gave the clippers to my seven-year-old and um do you remember somebody suggested is frank going to get a buzz cut do you remember that yes my son is called buzz by the way if you're new to the show um uh and so i yeah he he did it and i i'm gonna put some pictures up um I think it looks... One, I spoke to a friend on Zoom and he said,

is that you, Frank? I thought it was Brother Cadful. Which, apart from that, obviously I haven't seen anyone really to comment on it. What does Kath think of it? Kath thinks it's a bit... She says, I like that thing that barbers do when they sort of grade it in gradually.

But, you know, it's made me think I might never, I might never go to the barbers again. Did you say, I like that thing that barbers do, apply expertise, because that helps as well. But I think I'm going to learn several. I also, and I don't want to make anyone feel sick on a Saturday morning, but I also got an electric foot scraper. Too late. Lovely. Which has a stone, something like white diamond stone, and it's this revolving thing,

and you just go after the hard skin with it. You've taken a bit off each end of you. You must be like an oblong. Not an oblong. Like a rugby ball. It's like, you know, it's like when you're preparing fruit. I've just top and tailed it.

But it's... You've probably shrunk in height by an inch. That's a reasonable thing. And I also, there's a lot of dust comes off the foot buzzer. And so I've inhaled a great deal of me over the last 24 hours. I'm imagining that inhaling yourself can't be dangerous because you're already you. But that's one that maybe our science correspondents can help us with.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by music, rudely interrupted by music, that I'm thinking now that do I need to go back to either the Barber or the chiropodist? Now I can do it at home. Well, you've hit a point of self-sustainability, haven't you, to a milestone? I remember John Noakes on Blue Peter being asked how he did. His thing on Blue Peter was to go and do different people's jobs every week.

And it was always very entertaining. And he said, well, the thing is with me is that some people take like two years to learn a job and I can learn it in like an hour. years to learn a job and I can learn it in like an hour and he said it in a very humble a very humble or shocks kind of a way whereas it was of course the very height of arrogance being expressed but I'm I'm I'm in the market now for uh dentistry gear oh yeah if I can do the whole I'm fascinated by the um foot scrubbing thing because what what situation is it that you're dealing with that can't be remedied with um what is i think called a pumice stone is it a pumice or a pumice is it is it terribly cracked skin no no no

but i've i'm a big fan of the chiropodists. So I just like, I usually go every three, four weeks. No, I've been, look, I've spent the first part of lockdown pounding the pomace. But then someone said to me that, you know, that that was, it's very labour intensive doing that. Whereas, you know, someone's invented electricity. Why not take advantage of it? Well, do you know what I favour, and I thoroughly recommend to both of you?

I'm nervous where this might be going on this theme. Is you two shutting up? Is sleeping in a sort of heavily, heavily moisturised feet in bed slippers. Because the foot mask at night works absolute wonders. Try it out. Have you ever had a foot mask? Wow.

I've never had a foot mask. I've never even heard of a foot mask. No, a foot mask is great. You wrap your foot, you wrap it around. It's like a face mask. You know is great you wrap your you wrap it around it's like a face mask you know those disposable ones you get and then you wrap it

around your feet and put some lovely bed socks over oh so soft the next morning and is this something you did pre lockdown

or something you've developed I've done it all my life I've done it all my life I was an early doctor of foot care i'm a recent convert to the um pumice pumice stone it's only been in the last few years i put money on pumice and uh and actually i bought a a new pumice stone whilst at the edinburgh festival last august

wow and it um it said on the packaging and this is a direct quote greetings from edinburgh no it said it was like a pumice with a little rope i think it was one pound or one pound 49 and it said it's in your journal remember that it said because it was quite striking that something so cheap would make this promise it said 100 happiness guaranteed goodness not satisfaction 100 happiness for a quid yeah i mean come on anyway they didn't know you oh it didn't deliver it was you know quite a lot of hype for uh for a pumice stone to offer i think There's quite a lot of hype for a pumice stone to offer, I think. Yeah, well, I'm not anti-pumice.

I'm just experimenting at the moment in, as you say, self-sufficiency. It's like the good life without any of the fun. So have we heard from our fabulous readers? We have. We've had some... I know we can't read out praise, but we have been getting praise for your poetry podcast, Frank. Oh. Yeah.

Isn't that nice? We've had... It is nice, of course. I know, but I like your very sort of scarlet ohara reaction i'm actually doing that you know that thing that women do with one hand as a sort of fan i'm doing that yes i'm fiddledy um this is from 347 it's a text good evening frank skinner no actually i've got the i've got the emphasis wrong on that, but I like that I got the emphasis wrong. It was actually good evening, comma,

and the comma is all, as we know. Frank Skinner, a.k.a. Mr. Collins, was my English teacher back in the late 80s. He was so into his poetry then, which I love. I should say I was on the witness program at the time. I used a different name. And limericks. Oh, dear.

Mainly at the expense of us. That's Julie Frank from Hales Owen. Well, I have to say to Julie that I, yeah, I mean, I was into, I mean, I was teaching A-level English and stuff, but I don't remember the limericks thing that she refers to, that I was into limericks. I'm really glad, because limericks are my worst thing. Are they? Yeah.

Yeah. They're a bit brandrous. Oh, God. Do you think? Oh, I like them. My heart sings when I hear someone go, well, it was an old lady. I just feel, oh, it's awful.

Can I ask, if we had to do a list of celebrities who liked Limerick, who would it be? Giles Brandreth would be right up there. Oh, he's Nino Rono, isn't he? He's right up there. He might be Nino Rono. He might be the only one that has a bit of the podium. I hate to say, I feel a lot of celebrities would be no longer with us

because I would say most of the people who ever appeared on Call My Bluff. Frank Muir would have liked them. But I think it might be like John Humphreys if he did a Q&A and it said guilty pleasures. And whereas I always answer the Soviet Union I can imagine him saying

limericks other people's are too small beer good for you they're not things they actually feel guilty about things like listening to ABBA and you think no you don't feel guilty about that do you but actually being impressed by the Soviet Union I feel bad about. No. Things like listening to ABBA and you think, no, you don't feel guilty about that, do you? But actually being impressed

by the Soviet Union, I don't, I feel bad about that. That's a good guilty pleasure minus theft. That's my guilty pleasure. Yeah. What about if it was

stuff like that? If it was stuff like gobbing on car door handles? People lie so much in those Q&A. Celebrities, I mean, they just, every question is about, this is what I want people to think about me, not the truth.

Imagine if they said very low-level tax avoidance. Exactly, yeah. Child neglect. Anyway, we shouldn't go too far down the guilty pleasures thing so yes Julie I'd like more information

on the limericks obviously part of me is wondering if Graham Norton used to teach her because we get confused all the time not since the beard but

for all you know I might have an enormous beard as I sit here speaking. No, I wouldn't go for the beard. Not now you own some clippers, anyway. Have we got time for another one? I don't think we have. We have certain obligations in commercial radio. Let's call it a cliffhanger.

Okay, let's call it a cliffhanger ok let's call it that Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'm loving you know I'm loving that the readers are still keeping in touch because they are a rich vein I think it's true to say

we've had some more uh poetry podcast feedback actually uh and i know uh we don't normally read praise uh but we are going to on this occasion a really fantastic podcast this is from james town row a really fantastic podcast i listened it i listened to it with my eight-year-old daughter i I think that actually means eight-year-old, but I like the idea of people saying eight-year-old. I thought it was from Drake. It's something I'm trying to start. I think back to Yo Pauly,

which is what Sylvester Stallone used to say in Rocky. First time I ever heard the word yo was in Rocky. I listened to it with my eight-year-old daughter. Please let Frank know that she thinks Kathleen is the protagonist's cat who must be sleeping lest it joins in with the dancing, gets tangled up in his feet and trips him up. Looking forward to the next one. Now, I know what that means because I have listened to the poetry podcasts

and also enjoyed them. Oh, thank you. Do you want to explain, Frank, just briefly? It is a poem in which a man dances alone in his bedroom and he speaks of his wife sleeping and the baby sleeping and Kathleen sleeping. I believe that Kathleen was actually the sort of nanny stroke housekeeper. But I'm always a bit wary of imposing real life onto poems. But I like the idea that it was the cat. I mean, it's a fair bet that the cat's going to be sleeping

whatever time of the day or night you dance. That's what I always think i'm pleased that this person is listening to it with an eight year old daughter because uh whilst i was listening to it i kept thinking oh this would be really good for my 12 year old son did you really i mean i didn't really aim it to kids no i don't think there's no effing and jeffing. No, it's as clean as a whistle by your side. I would like to say I think the phrase, I didn't really aim it at kids, could be a nice epitaph for you, perhaps. Yeah, certainly for my stand-up career.

Yeah, certainly for the 90s. Is there anything that isn't praising me that's come in? Oh, good luck. It's gone all humble like nooks. Well, we've had something in about the venerable bead. Oh, well, that's always, I'm always up for that. I know you love a bit of bead action. This is from Lawrence Grasty.

In case you don't know, in case you don't know the lockdown in case you're new to the show that the venerable bead was a um early medieval um well he's a holy man but he was also a great writer and historian so i'm a big fan of his i'll be straight yeah it's the usual kind of relatable content that we do um but one well actually um they've sent something over which is i'm not sure where exactly it's from this but it's a book called or maybe the chapter's called the english people it says one for frank on the radio i would think fulsome praise very much redacted 13 centuries ago the venerable beads suggested that some dust from the tomb of St. Chad mixed with a little water

was a universal remedy for sickness in both men and cattle and this is still only the second stupidest health advice I've read today. Indeed there's an extract here. Is that a disinfectant reference? I believe so.

It was when you accused Trump of having said that people should drink disinfectant. Yeah. Yes, I am. Oh, actually, I think I've got some apologising to do on that front. Not to him, but I think we are on the cusp of a correctione on what I said. So, look, that's coming up after this. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can we go back to the venerable bead?

He's not a man I think we should just skate over. I want to know more about what he said. I'm going to go to that rather than offering Donald Trump the apology for mischaracterising his comments. I'll get to my Trump said. I'm going to go to that rather than offering Donald Trump the apology for mischaracterising his comments. I'll get to my Trumpology. I'll get to him. I do like how there's not many places where you'll hear, can we go back to the venerable Bede after a musical break,

after you've just heard Whitesnake or whatever. So anyway, Bede, as we were saying earlier, had these, well, it's, he's, Lawrence is calling it the stupid health advice. Can I give you some, can I give you a bit of background before you read this out? Bede, when he was about seven, was handed over to the monastery in Jarrow. They used to do quite a lot of that with kids. So he could be educated there and become a monk later on if their parents couldn't look after the kids or whatever. So he went there and then the plague struck.

I don't know which particular plague. And I think there was only Bede, the boy Bede, and one of the monks who survived. So then there was just the two of them there for ages. Everyone else died at the play. So he did know a bit about that kind of situation. He's not a bad man to turn to at the moment, let's put it that way.

Do you think some of his survival might be attributed to the dust from the tomb of St. Chad mixed with a little water. Well, I don't think he could have got, unless he already had dust. I mean, the only... I mean, that's what I've got in my protein shaker in front of me right now. I think St. Chad, there might be at least a part of St. Chad buried in St. Chad's Cathedral in Birmingham.

So if any of my fellow West Midlanders are listening, let's not write this off as a cure. Would you like to hear from the man himself regarding what I'm calling the St. Chad spa treatment? Are you going to play a clip of him now on talk radio? Down the line from Jarrow. Come on, what did he say? I don't know what Bede's voice was like, but, you know.

Would he be Geordie? Oh, don't make me. No, I can't do Geordie. I love Geordie, but I don't want to offend anyone. It'll feel like Big Brother's back on the telly. Okay. Is that what it was like in the Jarrow Monasteries? The monk would say,

Dear Seven, of the play. There's still very little to do. Oh, man. Of course, he'd always be in the diary room, but with a quill. Bede is a playing fit tan

in the snog. Okay, here we go. Chad's place of burial is a wooden coffin in the shape of a little house, having an aperture in its side through which those who visit it out of devotion can insert their hands and take out a little of the dust. When it is put in water and given either to cattle or men who are ailing, they get their wish and are at once freed from their ailments and rejoice in health restored.

Brilliant. You see, I might be the only person working on commercial radio who thinks this could work. Oh, I don't know. I think there's a definite crossover between... Do you mean this link? I think there's a definite crossover. Do you mean this link? I think there's a definite crossover between some medication that works on animals and humans. You know, ketamine, for example, I think is one of them.

I hate his raving days, Frank. You know the idea of herd immunity? Did they try that with the foot and mouth that went well i don't like the idea of and i do not recommend absolute radio can we say does not recommend inserting your hands through apertures into tombs and and removing dust no i i don't i don't like this idea frank of course you mean during normal times, but right now... Yes.

We do totally. I certainly... Maybe I wouldn't do it on a weekday. He was a clever man, Bede. I mean, I bet he had evidence. Anyway, we probably shouldn't dwell on this. I believe it. Can I just tell you, I just believe it. I bet he had evidence. Anyway, we probably shouldn't dwell on this. I believe it.

Can I just tell you, I just believe it. That's it. Simple as that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live, sorry, so do not text the show. It'll be pointless. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio

on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. So you've still, you know, you've still got contacts. Okay. I, yes, well, last week I was, I got pulled up, as they say, because I, in my reference to Donald Trump suggesting that injecting disinfectant might possibly be a cure for COVID-19.

Which of course he didn't, but yeah. Did he not? No, of course he didn't. Did he not? No, of course he didn't. But yeah, we'll move on. I'm the only bloke who believes that St. Chad's dust might cure it and Al's the only bloke who always defends Trump. It's good though.

It's good to have different voices. Exactly. That's what Mike Yarwood told me He doesn't get enough references No, no He gets a lot on our show So, yes I met him, it was lovely

I suggested that Mr Sheen might be a beneficiary You did People have pointed out that I got that wrong that Mr Sheen might be a beneficiary. You did. And people have pointed out that I got that wrong. They have.

You weren't specific enough in your cleaning agents, essentially. Adrian and Lorraine and Solihull have been in touch. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Thank you once again for brightening up our lockdown Saturdays. I apologise for the praise and they also say feel free to redact it. However, we just, oh hater however, we just wanted to refer to a comment

by Frank broadcast on the 25th of the 4th. This sounds career ending, doesn't it? This is like, you know when you get police constable in court reading from their notebook. I proceeded down Baxter Street in a northerly direction when I saw the accused. Go on, carry on. It sounds very pre-legal.

Where Frank suggested Mr Sheen were delighted by the American president's comments re-injecting disinfectant. Apologies, Al. re-injecting disinfectant. Apologies, Al. Unless we missed the said president also suggesting we should inject furniture polish, which Mr Sheen makes, we're unsure why he should be so happy. However, our research did show that Mr Sheen

is also available in a place you may have heard of called South Africa. Hey, that I should say is a reference to George Ezra live saying, I went to a place called South Africa as if no one had ever heard of it. So, Mr. Sheen, Alan, your witness. No, I did. I got that wrong. I in my in my memory, Mr. Sheen was a was a disinfectant. I've I've been a damn fool, basically.

But thank you for correcting me. Normally, people are honoured with the Correctioni jingle, but I don't have access to jingles on my laptop, on my linen basket. So if you'll just brace yourselves for a moment. Instead, I'm going to sing the popular Scar hit from the 70s, Susan, Beware of the Devil. Susan, beware of the devil.

Don't let him break your heart. That'll have to suffice. No, thank you for telling me. I feel that I have had what can only be described as a road to domestic experience. Do you know, Al, I was thinking it could have been worse. feel that I have had what can only be described as a road to Domestos experience. Ah. Do you know, Al, I was thinking it could have been worse. He could have said Michael Sheen, because we know

Michael doesn't like being confused for the wrong Sheen. Barry Sheen, the motorcyclist. He'd have been on, like... I watched Spider-Man 3 this week, speaking of actors, and there was an I watched Spider-Man 3 this week speaking of actors

and there was an actor in it and he did something that I have never seen done before I think I've mentioned on this show I once saw a stand-up comedian whose first name was Billiam and he had combined he'd kept his full name but he'd gone for the Bill thing that people do with William

and gone for Billiam. And there's a bloke which you may well have heard of. He plays Venom in the movie, and he's called Toffer Grace. And his name is Christopher. And instead of going for the Chris like most Christophers do, he kicked off the first half and he's calling himself Toffer, which I have to say,

if anyone of our readers knows of any other interesting name abbreviations that aren't like standard, I would love to hear that because Toffer, Toffer Grace, if you ask me, is an absolute... So we're out of here. What else?

I'm looking through email corner and thinking, here's an email that will appeal to each of you. It's about poetry and pooches. Dear Frank DVMAL that's all of us 1. Just listen to your first poetry podcast on Stevie Smith

I like it, I praise it, you redact it dot dot dot and then they continue and I'm a secondary school English teacher normally, that's all for point 1 they then continue to point two uh i saw the peanut uh nutter dog claw clipper clip mentioned on last week's show wow i don't think we use the word notter i think it's probably a typo maybe they mean peanut butter

oh yes oh yes peanuts but i wouldn't put money on it. No. Let's save them. They've done an autocrezione. Olé, olé, olé. Of course, I meant I heard the clip. I couldn't watch it. I was too distracted by the woman's voice.

Was the tone of her address to the dog not bile-inducingly saccharine? Especially to you, Frank, who seldom went so far as to feed his dogs, well, anything much. She spoke to the dog as if it was sweet as sugar, six-month-old child miracle, not a dog. P.S. I do like dogs.

P.P.S. Is lockdown blunting Frank's gittishness? Just a thought. Keep up the good work. Keep your distance. Keep safe. Bye. Nine, two, one. Excellent work there. So much to unpack much there's a lot to unpack here

um firstly on the gittishness front can i say interested in that i was reading about the uh possible death of kim jong-un you know there's this theory that he might have died he might be he might be we just don't know as is so often the case with North Korea. And one of the theories of why he died is that he had a heart problem. And the surgeon who did the operation was so terrified of Kim Jong-un basically coming around and telling him off.

But his hands were shaking that much that they thought, why he might have done the damage. And it did make me think, you know, maybe the git thing has got its downside. Maybe. Because he is a bit of a git, Tim John Lund. He's suggesting he's a bit of a git. He is a bit of a git.

You wouldn't say it to his face? No, I wouldn't. I'll say that. No. Well, we've got the same hairstyle now, so I feel some sort of alignment with him. Also, I think the circumstances where you could say that to Kim Jong-un's face are very, very unlikely.

But if I said it in a warm and praising tone, of course, he'd assume it was a compliment. Well, Dennis Rodman seems to have got on the right side of him. He likes him. Yeah. He's got one friend. Dennis Rodman, I think, is one of those people that sees the good in people. Yeah, well, obviously I'm hoping that Kim Jong-un,

I wouldn't wish death on anyone. I'm hoping it's all right. I wonder if our thoughts are with those members of his family that he hasn't eaten. God. Is your gettishness still existing, but just it's not happening because it's in lockdown, so it's almost like a modern version of if a tree falls in a forest and there's no one there to hear it. It's a bit Schrodinger's cat, isn't it? Indeed.

Homeschooling has given it something of an outlet, I would say. It's probably a good thing I didn't go into teaching full-time, I would say. It's my thing. Well, I did, but then I was asked to leave. That's a story I cannot tell, but it doesn't involve

me as such, but what it does involve is quite rude. On the subject which one of our readers mentioned previously about what voices you use to talk to your dog, I once saw a live performance at Latitude when an author on the stage got people up

to talk about what voices they use to their dogs and got them to actually recreate those. And it's absolutely hilarious. And do you know, that author was Emily Dean. Oh, excellent. Oh, was it? I'd forgotten I'd done that. I like it. Yeah, you've got all these people, grown people, standing at the front of the stage going, what are you doing?

What are you doing? And it was without a dog there. It was freaky in the extreme. Well, Frank, I can't imagine you ever did a dog voice when you had Shep, did you? Never. I never did a dog voice in my life. Did your dad or your mum do a dog voice?

Never. We spoke to it like I'm speaking to you now. Oh. To be honest. Well, obviously I do. I mean, I massively do a dog voice. But I don't think Al... Al, you came on my podcast.

Do you want to bring your dog voice to the table? Me? No. Well, let's both do it. Should we both do our... I think we should all do how we would address a dog one after the other okay okay uh i'm worried that mine might hear it and then come along this is the downside of broadcasting from home okay i'm happy to start go on you good boy you good boy baby baby good boy baby good boy you good boy wee wee wee wee good boy

wee wee go toilet good good boy wee wee praise redacted that's good obviously yeah that's good Alan

um here you go come on that's it that's his dog voice as I go one man and his dog okay yeah

mine is come here come here, come here. Lie down. Lie down. Now, I was very much of the get under school of speaking to dogs.

Oi, get under. That sounds like most of my dates, Frank. I only discovered this week that Boris Johnson has a dog. He didn't seem the dog type to me. Well, posh people like a dog, don't they? Yes. What has he got then?

Has he got a red set-up? No, he's got a dog called Dylan who's a Jack Russell cross. Oh, well, they always are. They're often cross, yeah. Does it say on his Wikipedia entry how many amount of dogs currently unknown? But I believe it had, it's a rescue puppy. I think it had something wrong with its jaw, a misaligned jaw, which is why it was taken.

But he, yes. Did I ever tell you when someone in an audience once was talking to me and they said they'd got a rescue dog and I honestly thought they meant like one of those St Bernard's with the barrel of rum that went around up mountains. It was the first time I'd ever heard the phrase rescue dog. I really thought it was part of a rescue team. And I went into that conversation and I could tell,

I think everyone in that room, and there must have been 12 people there, everyone in that room knew what a rescue dog was except me. It was very, very embarrassing. I believe Dylan was making moves on the former Chancellor Sajid Javid's dog, Bailey. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So I think they might have had to be separated.

That's a bit of a Kim Jong-un thing to do. It's a cruel old business, isn't it? That's got to be in the small print of the contract, surely. Yeah, I mean, that is savage. We spoke of Boris Johnson's dog in the last link.

We didn't mention the fact that he had a son this week, which is probably bigger news. It is bigger news. I mean, it's still like 17th on the news after like 35 minutes of coronavirus. So, you know, it's a bit, not now, Carrie. But what a time they've had. I think we should offer them warm congratulations.

He's had a year, hasn't he? He's had quite a year. Why don't we offer him warm congratulations, Al? I think so. I don't mind offering anybody who's had a baby warm congratulations. Yeah, he's just got a massive majority. Then Brexit was end of January, and then the coronavirus started. Then he nearly died.

Then he had a baby. Yeah. Wow. You know when you sit around on New Year's Eve and say, so what kind of year have you had? He's going to dominate the table. He's packed his whole 2020 into the first quarter. I know.

It's really, I know, it's really... I mean, he's got another, what, four years? Five years they do now. Yeah. Is that... I mean, to bear thinking about. Obviously, we'll all be living on race land for the last four years of his reign, but even so... So, yes, he's had a baby boy.

And you can still... Because they haven't officially announced the name yet. So at the moment, the runners and riders are Wilfred. I think you can get five to one on that. That's his grandfather's name. Oh, I thought after that kid in the Backstreet Kids, was John Perkins up to his nose. Very close. We won't go for Winston.

No way. At 10 to 1. No, that's too much. That's too on the nose. Some are suggesting Thomas at 8 to 1. I wonder if that's an homage to St Thomas' Hospital where he was treated. That would be nice.

What about Boris? Horace. Boris and Horace. Well, because he studied classics, so Horace works, but also Horace Johnsonace and Horace well because he still did classics so Horace works but also Horace Johnson and Boris Johnson and then if they have other kids Morris, Doris that would be really cute actually

oh sort of Kardashian themed names I like that we'd have to find them all Boris Johnson's full handle is something like Alexander Defeffel Boris Johnson isn't it or is something like Alexander Defeffel Boris Johnson, isn't it? Or is it Boris Alexander Defeffel? Is it Defeffel?

Yes, Defeffel. The kid is going to have some handle when we find out what it is. It's going to be a doozy. That's all I'm saying. It reminds me, I used to do a thing where if anyone asked me to get around in something, my first thing is I'd start slapping my pockets, trails around Jackie, and going, wallet in my other suit, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa.

Wallet in my fa-fa-fa-fa. Bit embarrassing, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. And it turns out it was somebody's name. I never knew that. I'll tell you what I wasn't keen on was the warm, I mean, our warm congratulations is fine, I think, but the warm congratulations from Keir Starmer and Nicola Sturgeon reminded me...

Oh, why didn't you like that? You know, when people hog after a boxing match, after they've been knocking the hell out of each other, I just thought I just couldn't buy it. I wish they had just, not said anything unpleasant, but I wish they'd just show up about it. Sorry. Well, you're entitled to that, but do you know what I liked?

I hope he doesn't want paternity leave. He's already had some time off sick. Yeah. Oh, man. leave he's already had some time off sick yeah oh man i like that they keep mentioning that he's the first i think he's the fourth um serving prime minister isn't he to have a child in downing street in 170 years and they keep mentioning since lord john russell but what i liked is they talked about tony blair when he had a child. He said Tony Blair became the first serving prime minister to have a legitimate child born in office.

Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, I think that was, was that the smoking nappy scandal? Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. When Tony Blair had a baby at number 10,

or, well, you know, fathered a baby at number 10, there's a picture that's appeared a lot this week of him carrying the baby, I think, out of the hospital. Ah, yeah, I'm not sure the bloke should carry the baby. Well, because I think that's making sure you're in the photo. Right. And also, he's wearing, and I think I've got, I mean, you're our fashion correspondent on the show, of course.

I think he's wearing what I would only term a wind cheater. Is he? And I don't want to see a prime minister in a wind cheater. I think it was Morrissey who said, prime minister in a wind cheater. I know, I know, it's serious. What's the difference? Perhaps this is a question for Emily.

What's the difference between a wind cheater and a bomber jacket? Well, I would describe a wind cheater. Is it armless, Frank? No. No, no. You see, I think a wind cheater is like the red jacket that James Dean wore in Rebel Without a Course. Oh, I would call it a Harrington jacket.

Oh, maybe they are. A Harrington is a brand name, so maybe they're one and the same thing. Sure, but I think it's a Hoover-type scenario. Yes. Ah, yes. With the Harrington. If you had a Harrington, respect.

I'm calling it a wind cheater, if any of our readers would like. It's a famous picture of Blair. It's been in the paper a lot. OK, I'll be looking at it. Carrying the baby. One of our many. Maybe it's a posset wind cheater. Okay.

One of our many obscure text-ins. What would you call the jacket that Tony Blair was wearing? War 20 years ago. I think it's important to get the facts, though, on these things. You're right. They're also the first unmarried couple, I believe, in Downing Street with child. Legend!

Sorry, there are some moments where you have to not avoid the cliche. What would Frank's mother call that again? Living over the brush. Yes, that was it. Living over the brush. Yes, that was it. Is the Chancellor, because they moved, didn't they? The Prime Ministers during Blair's time,

instead of living at number 10, they now live at number 11. Is that right? Correct. Because it's bigger. So where does Rishi Sunak live? Is he at number 10? Well, given that his wife is the daughter of one of the 10 richest men in India, I can't see him rattling around in the flat.

I mean, they've got a sumptuous place in the country. But he needs... I think they probably live in number 10, do they? Does Rishi and his wife live in... I'd be very delighted to hear that Rishi had bought the baby an abacus. Because I imagine he looks like one of those maths blokes, Rishi, who just loves doing the old calculations.

Yeah. My partner's dad, he was a maths teacher and stuff, and he told me that, he's retired now, but he told me that sometimes he goes on the internet just to, you know, do a few maths problems for pleasure. Oh, that's good. I mean, to me, it's the most alien thing I've ever, the idea of doing maths for pleasure.

Oh, my giddy aunt. Did you see that David Cameron tweeted Boris Johnson? I mean, you'd think someone would give him Boris's phone number or address. It's humiliating. Yes, probably wouldn't. He said, Sam and I are thrilled for you both. Sorry we didn't leave the cot, but the climbing frame should still be in the garden.

That's good to know. That is a bit... You know when politicians have children, they talk about it a lot because they're saying we're ordinary people, really, even though we don't seem like it. And of course they aren't. The last thing they are is ordinary people. That's why they shouldn't wear wind cheaters.

Anyway, good luck to them. My advice, I find, is that the thing with having a new baby is you have to stop in a lot. So timing, it's everything in this business. Yes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

We're not live, so don't text the show, but you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. So we're not completely out of touch. My child, my seven-year-old child, picked up this week what I can only describe as the classic schoolboy injury. And he suffered some catapult recoil. So he was firing a catapult and he lost grip of the actual, you know, the Y-shaped frame. Yeah.

And it shot back and smacked him in the mouth. Ooh. But it's an injury which schoolboys must have been picking up for the last hundred years, I would guess. I should think. Are catapults still a big thing then? Catapults? Well, he's a very, very fan of uh the bino and for lockdown

his lockdown um um survival pack um includes i went on ebay and bought him 122 back issues of the bino and the Dandy from the 90s. So he's working his way through those. Was Dennis the Menace, was he not cancelled exactly, but I believe his character was toned down somewhat, wasn't it? Because he was still a bully. He's still the jewel in the crown of the Beano. Some of the more bullying aspects of his nature.

Well, what they did is they changed Walter a bit. So Walter, instead of being like the class Nelly, who got picked on, became a sort of an unpleasant snobby type boy. Right. So hitting him is more acceptable. Yeah. But Dennis is still, he's absolutely...

The dandy, of course, is just online now. You can't actually buy a hard copy of the dandy. Sad but true. But it's... Yeah, so he got a catapult injury. There you have it. What would be the other classic schoolboy? I suppose the Chinese burn, but you can't get that remotely.

No. Well, arguably we all are now. Well, the other classic school injury is the compass, I found, was often responsible for the injury um can we can i share with you an email from one of our leaders and of course kneeling down behind someone so that your friend can push them over still like that yeah yeah i mean i don't know why there isn't more of that in adult life. I blame lockdown. Yeah, maybe.

You're right, yes, there's too much contact. Sorry, Emily. Can I share with you an email from one of our readers, just because it's related to something we were discussing last week, which was George Michael's rehearsal and indeed actual performance of Somebody to Love for the Freddie Mercury tribute concert which we've established was a masterpiece yeah it really was and Frank and I both become slightly obsessed by it Alan you but you like it did you I can't remember yes I thought

it was really good but I I um I I spoke of the first time I saw David Bowie live um during the serious Moonlight tour when he did Young Americans and instead of saying, there's one damn song that can make me... Here he goes. Break down and cry. That bit. He went, one damn song that can make me break down and cry.

And as I said, he took the elevator down instead of up, which I found desperately disappointing of Amy Lines. Amy Lines has been in touch. She says, hi, Frank and team. Long time reader. First time writer. I thought I'd write in and tell you a tale of my biggest disappointment. Live music wise.

Read your topic last week. Uncommonly for my age, I've been a huge fan of bands and artists from the 60s and 70s. I'm turning 29 this year. Big hands for the police. A few years ago, I was ecstatic to discover that Blondie had been billed at Hyde Park British Standard Time Festival alongside such greats as Phil Collins and Stevie Wonder. I was buzzing. I've always dreamed of seeing Debbie Harry before she settles into her retirement. On she came. My favourite Blondie song. Hold it. Shall we make this a cliffhanger? I think we should. I've certainly got to go to a thing. So she's all excited. Debbie Harry comes on stage. What happened

next? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were in the midst of an email from Amy Lyons, which is, I think I remember shouting at actors in the days when I used to write sitcoms,

who had gone to Hyde Park to see a hero, heroine, Debbie Harry, and it was an exciting moment. She came on and she started singing Heart of Glass. What could possibly go wrong? Emily. My favourite Blondie song is Heart of Glass. I don't think I need to say any more. As Frank put it,

she most definitely told the elevator attendant she'd rather go down that evening. I can't begin to describe my disappointment when she held the mic out to the audience for her middle section. Ooh. Oh. I still love her but i left feeling that maybe that was a band i'd rather have kept the fond memories of all the best gang and please confirm to my father chris lines also a long time reader that praise redacted very much is a thing you do say on emails

to edit out the praise keep on keeping on amy lines thank you um thank you father chris lines um that's that's not already no well i mean that is i've seen it i i need to think of more occasions when this when this has occurred but yeah it is a thing that actors and singers i think they that the argument is, well, I'm on tour, I'm doing it every night, I've got to look after my throat. But, you know, come on. Put in good money. I think Mariah Carey, bless her.

I mean, you aren't. She's forced. Most people are. Yeah. Sorry, Mariah. Mariah's forced to do it a lot because she had such a high octave range, didn't she, bless bless her back in the day and i'm afraid those high c's you know i mean yeah it's not she was lost on the high c's

yeah she only travels by boat on tour David Bowie we spoke of earlier he I I the one time I met David Bowie he had come over from America where he dwelt and he took the Queen Mary and taken six weeks to arrive and I said oh did you was you went like in well what could you actually wonder he said I was in my cabin mainly and I said well what what you like writing songs and wander? He said, I was in my cabin mainly. And I said, what do you like, writing songs and stuff? And he said, no, I was watching DVDs. I thought you were a genius. I love that.

Yeah. So, yeah, he didn't like the flying, David. Ironic from the star man there yeah no so i if anyone else has got any more any more um going down an octave rather than going up i'd love i'd love to hear it it's a beautiful story and also um you know another in our series irresistible temptations about things that we know we shouldn't do, but we always do. For example, Polaroid cameras. It's all right. Calm down. I have never taken a Polaroid and resisted shaking it to make the picture come out quicker.

shaking it to make the picture come out quicker. I would love to know if anyone who knows about photography or chemistry could tell me if that makes any difference whatsoever. I'd love to find that out. And anything that you think, oh, I'm doing this again, but you're still doing. Like when you're on the phone to someone and you lose them, that you get cut off. And then when you phone them back, one of you says,

I don't know what happened there. Don't do it. Resist that. Resist it. I used to say this thing, well, how could you possibly know? You don't have access to the network systems. We'll never know what happened then. Let's let it go.

And that was one of the reasons people thought I was a geek. What else has been happening in the news? It's difficult at the moment because there is one story dominating, obviously. There is, but the rapper Drake has, if I may say so, has hit the headlines. I could hear the comma. I could hear the rapper Drake has, if I may say so, has hit the headlines. I could hear the comma. I could hear the comma in that, screaming. He sounded like Jeremy Paxman.

Yeah. Dizzy Rascal when he called him Mr Rascal. Wasn't he like a high court judge saying who he's Gaza? Yes. Yeah. I don't know much about Drake. When I read about him this week, when it said that he had sold 170 million records

and he's worth $120 million, I don't know how that happened. He has sort of, I've been aware of him existing, but I could not name one drake yes you could i couldn't he's completely call me on yourself don't you know that oh i don't know any drake i'm gonna wait your friend does not know that no actually i can't imagine you knowing any song that you used to ask you a man who's got a Dotter Who ringtone. Hotline Bling?

Well, yes. Does he not like Hotline Bling? He's got a song called God's Plan. Come on. Oh, that sounds a bit more interesting. I like the sound of him from what I read this week, but I might check him out. I've got Apple Music.

I'll do what I like. We're probably not going to discuss his new music drop, are we? We're probably not going to discuss his new music drop are we we're probably not going to discuss his new track which has dropped we're probably going to discuss the fact that he's been in the papers for having a ridiculously expensive bed how much is the bed worth uh i believe it's around 314k which you know it's horrible when upmanship i've just recently spent 313k on a new bed now i feel like what was the point it's made of horse hair now there's a thing a horse hair mattress how is that how is that hair acquired ethically acquired

well i mean the tail, is it something? Are they shaved? Are they shaved? I don't think rappers are as bothered about ethically acquired hair. I want to know whether it was ethically. Did they shave the horse or are the company flogging a dead horse? Very good. No, but would they kill a horse for its no for its material

well it's a bit of a weird you've got to wait a long time for horses to die a natural causes to fill a mattress yes that's true you can't just keep getting the hair on the hoof as it were no as you're going through life seeing dead horses is Is it a commonplace, a horsehair mattress, or is that a rare thing? I've got one that's called a pocket-sprung mattress. I don't know if that's more common than a horsehair. I think so. I've got that. I don't think horse.

I'll tell you what was a horsehair mattress. I know this for a fact. Do you know Andy Warhol's film Sleep, which was film of a man sleeping for, I think, six hours and five minutes. That was it. He lay on a horsehair mattress. That's my full horsehair mattress anecdote armory

emptied in one go. Well, I believe... Go on. I was going to say, I believe Drake's mattress is tufted. So, a tufted. Tufted? Yeah. I mean, I just find this story ridiculous.

We don't even need jokes. His mattress is tufted. I find that funny. It's like sleeping on horseback. It's, well, we'll come back to this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing Drake's mattress, which is, yeah. And what, I keep forgetting 140 grand 314 was it 314

grand it's made by a Swedish company is it our yeah and the the article I read helpfully suggested that that was 80,000 pounds more than the average British house as if as if they're comparable products. Yeah, as if that's going to put Drake off. Like he accidentally got it from an estate agent when he was looking for a British home. I can't pay that man. It's more money than the average British house.

I was going to get a semi-detached in St Albans. What are you talking about? I mean, I know it's tough,ed, but, you know, the tuft. Do you know, apparently it also has a whiskey and champagne bar on the reverse side. Oh, very common. It's all right when they say it, Al. I mean, really.

That's a spoil tip for me. Also, it says that the headboard of his bed has got an antique mirror in it. And I thought, on the headboard? What I'm worried about is in what context is Drake looking into that mirror? Yeah. Also, you know what? Keep that daytime. I'm afraid when you get to my age, dear, all mirrors are antique.

But you wouldn't have one on your headboard. It doesn't make any sense. No. He owns, apparently, a Boeing 767, right? Does he? So he's not a man who's averse to throwing his money about. No, he's doing all right. I've got to say, to me ever since I've had a few Bob

I mean not these kind of scales but since I sort of got like I wasn't on the dole and stuff one of the things that I haven't skimped on is a mattress, I always go top end not this top because you're only 8 hours a day

you want a nice mattress well I was going to say... You're not going to be one of those old Yorkshire blokes that say, oh, buy good shoes and a good bed because when you're not in one, you're in the other. Oh, these people. I think that's very reasonable. I like that. I'm sorry, I love that.

Can I ask you a question? Were you doing a voice then? To me, you know, if a celebrity buys a lamborghini um no one really notices to me buying a good mattress makes much more sense that's true yes i mean i would certainly say from what i know of drake if you apply the cost per wear principle you apply to jeans i imagine he's already got his money's worth his social life but um it also has a shelf of oh i say a shelf it's got a two-story um wardrobe of handbags i believe of designer bags for his for his future wife those are in a separate i believe they're in well there's a two-story it doesn't make it clear out whether that's in an armoire of some sort are you saying they're they're housed

in some sort of divan section i think he's got shelving for those but they are birkins i don't know if you're both familiar with the Birkin. I'm not. I know Jane Birkin. Well, that's who they're named after. Oh, wow. I know her. Yes.

Inspired by her, I believe. Oh, she's damn. He was sitting, whoever he was, the chief designer at Hermes, was sitting on the plane with her, and she didn't have a proper bag, and he said, I'll design you one. Wow. I think it's quite presumptuous of Drake to think that the future Mrs. the plane with her and she didn't have a proper bag and he said i'll design you one wow i think it's quite presumptuous of drake to think that the future mrs drake will will be interested in

that kind of bag what if she prefers like a sort of a nike or a sports bag or something yeah i don't think he's gonna marry a bag for life i don't think he's gonna marry a non-materialist i think that is gonna go badly for we're assuming that he's going to marry a non-materialist. I think that is going to go badly for Drake. We're assuming that he's going to marry a bag lady. I think he's going to marry someone who is happy with a Boeing 6-7. I mean, whatever it is, 7-6-7 on the Tarmac. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. This article about Drake's bed that we've been discussing appeared in the Architectural Digest, which I don't take. But I'm really, do you think there's any chance that the article was called Drake's drum? Are you aware of Drake's drum? No. There was a drum which belonged to Sir Francis Drake. It was on his ship and stuff.

And it still exists. And people have claimed... Apparently he said, this is the story, that if ever England needed him again, just bang the drum and he would come and rescue us. I actually see him as the man who stopped England becoming Catholic. But that's a different story. So they've written, they've heard at various battles and various times of crisis, this drum. People have told stories that they were in battle and they've heard the dum-dum-dum of Drake's drum.

So, there you go. But thanks for laughing anyway, before I explain what it was. It just sounded funny, Drake's drum. I liked it. Have I asked this before, by the way memory foam yeah memory foam thing yeah if i got a memory foam mattress would it retain my indentation so i just sort of slithered into it like one was making a silver ornament and I was molten that I would slither into my shape and lie there

Oh can you not say slither I hate that word, sorry it's just, sorry I really that's just one of the words I hate Frank it makes me feel a bit sick I have the same thing with spending Oh I don't like spending.

I love all that. I hate spending. But anyway, does it retain its shape? Like, you know, like those... I think I told you when somebody sent me a Ribena gift case and it had, like, a shape for the Ribena and the glass and all that to make a Ribena. Oh, that's nice.

I believe... I don't know what you think, Al, but my understanding is that what a lot of mattresses have now is a percentage of memory foam. Is that right? I think so. So they're not, yeah. Yeah, I don't think it's quite like the molten silver thing, but, you know, a diluted version of that.

So there would be a shape, though, that you fell into, as it were. Not a sort of John Doe sort of crime scene shape. No. Okay. But, yeah, I think there'd be... Sorry, Al. They are expensive, though, memory foam pillows. I mean, I think they're too expensive.

I wish you were drake's friend drake they are a lot of money that's a lot of money that 314 000 a lot do you think drake had one of those bottom 20 percent things that you sometimes see on beds do you know those they're like covers that just cover the bottom 20%. Oh, the little curtain thing. I don't know what they are. I've only seen them in hotels. And then I was on Oxford Street. They're very guest house of the 70s.

No, but I was in Oxford Street and I saw them for sale. People actually buy them. I don't know what they're for. They just go on the very last 20% of the bed. Is the idea they keep your feet warm or something? It's like, Frank, it's like they've given the bed a boot cut jean. Leave the bed alone. It's like a very, very short bed cover.

But it doesn't make any sense at all. If anyone has got one, yeah, if anyone's got one, I'd love to know what the hell's going on. It looks like when you fold... You know those hats with a feather in that Robin Hood... It looks like that. It looks like a big feather sticking out of it. What the hell's going on is another great texting, we must say.

Or emailing. Anyway, look, thank you. I think that brings... If anyone can answer any of the questions I've asked on this show, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now stop in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.