The Frank Skinner Show - Cake Bin

Episode Date: June 18, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. Frank has been to Royal Ascot, Pierre has been wine tasting in Bordeaux and the team discuss the winner of Man v Horse.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli has made the great trek here this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning, boys. Morning. Good morning. Now, there might be some problems with my voice early on because the bloke, I got a car in this morning and the bloke was from the West Midlands

and I could feel myself go, boy, boy, got about a mile in. I'm going, oh, what's happening with the baggage? Blah, blah, blah. And I've got to get myself back out of that now. So I might not sound as posh as I normally do. Okay. Speaking of posh, where was I yesterday? Where?

I was at the Royal Enclosureot oh my goodness i had the top hat the full thing the fault yeah it's like it's like a it's a bit like a massive fancy dress party where the theme is posh so you have to do that you know you have to you have to wear and they're quite strict on it although remember a friend of mine ran into a bit of bother. Oh, yes, we got a slightly comical... He got a comical top hat, Emily's friend. He brought it just because he thought, oh, as long as I've got something.

Yeah. And then he was told it just wouldn't do. Really? So he was sent to the Top Hat shop. Oh, okay. On site? Yes. It's a pop-up shop,

and I think they cost about two grand. Like a sort of baked potato van at a festival. Yeah, exactly. I was, when I went to Toronto, because, you know, you hire, basically, and we asked about buying, I wasn, you hire, basically. And we asked about buying.

I wasn't going to. And they said, well, we can do a decent one. Like, you know, they're not all, like, massively expensive. We can do one for, like, $2,200. I said, okay. Did you say my son's painted some cereal box cardboard black and made a sort of hoop of it? Well, my son, of course, is an Alice Cooper fan, so a top hat in the house.

I'm not saying it won't be used. And did you go the full morning dress? Oh, absolutely, full everything. We get a little note like, supply your own tie, no novelty, it said. Like, you supply your own tie, no novelty, it said. It's not the place for the Homer Simpson tie or anything like that. But, no, you know what?

It was a cracking day out, I must say. But I noticed the jacket. I don't know what you call those jackets with a bit of a tie. It's like a frock coat. Is it a morning coat? Okay. I had that on, and on the way in so the wallet was slightly spilling the lump like a lump and slightly spilling the line people aren't used to carrying wallets that's why is it well on the way back um it looked great and that might give you an inclination of what kind of day i had betting because I took cash I thought I want to be like in the

films when you throw down cash and say yeah yeah put it on whatever it was I'm worried frankly you looked a bit oh I'm getting married in the morning there was an element of that certainly one of my favourite stage directions

in the whole of musicals I've got the script of My Fair Lady and there's a bit where Alfred Doolittle who's a ne'er-do-well finds out that his daughter is holed up with this posh bloke across town and he says

I need to investigate this and he says Doolittle leaves like a man on his way to El Dorado so yeah it was a bit like that but you know what i got like a when you get when you go into your your private box bit oh yeah um i had a private box it's like being david blaine and uh you you check your hat in when you walk in. There's a big row. I wish I could have took a photo. There was just a shelving full of top hats

with little numbers in them, so you get your right hat back. I wouldn't want anyone to get my hat. Oh, I should tell you about the hat. Can I tell you one last thing? I met George Osborne was there, former chancellor of the Exchequer, right? And he approached me.

Oh. And I don't know, if you'd have given me a hundred guesses at what he was, the first thing George, I've never met before, the first thing he was going to say to me was, I would never have got you.

George Osborne said, I love your poetry podcast. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I love your poetry podcast. Frank Jones, E73, has been in touch, commenting on a lovely picture of you that's on Twitter and says the boy from Oldbury has done all right for himself. Well, it did feel... I mean, if my old man, who had a bet six days a week and had... This won't mean much to

many of you but he had 10 5p doubles 10 5p trebles and a 10 pence roll up it's not big money let's put it that way if he'd have known that i was going to be um having a long chat with steve cawthon who was like a star jockey at the time he would would be an excited bloke, I must say. So that was lovely. Hang on, what about when I went to Ascot, and in exchange for my seat, my box seat, I had to sort of do an interview about fashion, I seem to remember.

Okay. Yeah, but the bit they put on the loudspeaker was when the woman said, are you a big horse fan? I said, do you know I hate horses and someone came up to me and said are you that woman that said i hate horses well there was a woman there who saw another woman in the same dress and i thought this was a great way of handling it she went over and said can i have selfie with you? And took a photo of her in the same dress. But I said, if I do that with everyone who's dressed the same as me,

it's going to take up the whole day. But when I went to the, you know, I've got a big head. I can't possibly comment. A wardrobe woman once said to me, she said, I've been working in television for 40 years, she said, and the biggest heads are Benny Hill and then you. I said, thank you. So proud to be on that league table.

A silver to Hill. And she'd worked with the Elephant Man. No, she hadn't. And, sorry, i meant the film and so so i had to get to this shop um which was uh very uh nice and it's called uh oliver brown is that you know oh yes i'm familiar and i thought they'd all be super posh in there actually really sort of you know nice not the poshness i mean not nice but there wash in there. They're actually really sort of, you know, nice. Not that posh necessarily means not nice,

but there was stuff in there like I saw some top hat polish. I didn't know that existed. I mean, the only person I can ever imagine using that is Lord Snooty. Well, it's got a Lord Snooty. It's impossible to put it on. And also, when I first looked at myself in the mirror, in the top hat and the thing, I thought, really, what I want is the waistcoat to be a sort of peanut bodice,

so I'd look like Mr Peanut from The Planters. And the other thing at the shop, I said, they gave me the top hat and the waistcoat, and I said, where's the monocles? And he said, what do you mean? I said, I thought you'd have a selection of monocles to wear for the day. And no. I like the way you keep referring to it as the shop.

Like it's the corner shop. It felt like the shop. Anyway, they got the hat and we were on by there. I said, look, I'm going to tell you from the off i've got a big head it's going to be problematic and they said oh don't worry it really honestly it won't be a problem so by the time we'd reached eight and a half in the hat and there was this terrible moment where i sort of crossed the great across the great divide where i put on a hat that just sat on the top of me like I was

some sort of novelty air freshener and then the next one literally pressed the top of my ears down like comedy big hat and they said there's nothing in between those two hats including you so

I had to go for the big hat and basically just tense all day, tense my temples. Do a lot of reading before you left the hat. Exactly. What I needed, I had a white rabbit. I needed was a pipe at the back of my head with a small jet of air blowing up. But really, I kept it upright. Every now and again, I felt the ears flattening out. But when it got very... I was with Victoria Coram Mitchell and two very nice friends of hers, Geoffrey and Neil,

and I thought, when it got very sunny, we all sheltered under my hat. It was like a little private apartment. We've had some reviews in, having posted, of your morning suit. I mean... And top hat.

Yeah. Of your, I'm getting married in the morning. Me in tough mode. I think you look fabulous. Thanks. You know what Kat said to me? Some women would find you really attractive in that.

Hold on. I thought, this is one. We're going to have to workshop this a little. Anyway, carry on. I don't know what to say. No, I know. I kind of love that she said that. Berkshire Blade says, I love Monopoly.

Yes, there is a bit of that. There's a place, isn't there, in town, in London, where you can play Monopoly sort of full-sized. I've driven past it a few times. Like outdoors? No, but it's indoors, I think. I thought there was a silver vintage car parked

outside. Not really. But I'm guessing. A giant dog? But there's the exact terrifying silver dog out the window. No, it looks like you can go in and just be Monopoly, if you know what I mean. Oh, right. Oh, can we do that?

Hello? I'd be up for that. Hello? I don't fancy... I've always hated Monopoly. Why? If I want to buy property in London. No, that's a joke.

I just don't know. It's too long. It is, yeah. I used to think I was too long, but looking back, I was nice. I bet you chose the old Van Gogh boot. I go for the top hat, actually, normally. Ah. That says a lot.

Guess what I go for, no-brainer. I can't remember what they are. Is it a shoe? Is there an elegant lady's shoe? It's got to be the dog. It's the iron, actually. I know be the dog it's the iron actually i know my place i told victoria corinne mitchell i expected uh by about four o'clock yesterday to be drinking apple ties out of one of her slippers that's what i imagined royal ascot was like for the teetotaler

but having lost every race we We've also had John Adams. Oh. Congratulations on your presidency. Yes, m'lady. Oh, yeah. Parker. Yeah. Home, m'lady.

Home, Parker. Rigadon Rick says, didn't fancy utilising the leather crown? No, you can't wear that. I think that who can wear a crown at Royal Ascot? That's quite strictly observed. And no novelty crowns. I said to someone, are William and Kate here today? And they said, well, we call them William and Catherine.

All right. All right. Wow. I thought they called them the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, myself. But, you know. But anyway, we went out and watched that. By the way, my method of horse betting has always been things that mean, like I bet Cathy come home.

Oh, yes. Slightly ironic to use the title of a hard-hitting 60s TV drama about homelessness at Royal Ascot, but it was because my partner's called Cathy. That didn't work. Dark Moon Rising because my son just learned Bad Moon Rising on the ukulele. And looking back, it was always going to be

an haphazard method of horse selection. Because the people, one thing I'd say, the most, the biggest thing, the biggest culture shock is not the posh thing. It's people who are utterly, utterly obsessed with horse racing. So they know, I mean, they know everything. The thing is, you see, it lost a shoe in March. I mean, it's really unbelievable. Frank, what was the nice thing?

Can I just tell you this? The woman who I was giving my money to all day, at the end of it, said, can I have my photo taken with you? I said, do you have a wall of victims? At how impoverished looking folk. taken with you. I said, do you have a wall of victims? Impoverished looking folk. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

May I briefly share this with you? It's from Paul, one of our regulars. Okay. I really enjoyed the poetry pod Frank Does

a Poetry Podcast. Whee! Another reaction I didn't expect. OK. On The Lady of Shalott. Quite surprised to hear that Tennyson's recorded voice sounds a lot like Mark E. Smith. Over to you, Frank Skinner.

Well, Alfred Lord Tennyson even if you don't if not interested in poetry you might have heard of him he was like a very famous Victorian poet but there is allegedly and it seems pretty well verified a recording of his voice which seems incredible

it's like you'd be amazed it's like Florence Nightingale is recorded as well so um i tried to i i talks about this on the podcast and he's doing charge of the light brigade alpha league alpha league on art half league onward and so i tried to represent the recording which is kind of like this And it's that's it. Sounds like it was recorded in situ. Yeah, sadly.

But it's a great poem, but the recording doesn't do it completely. Those effects were amazing. It's funny that it sounds like the fall. It's a very fine joke. Oh, man. But it's worth having a look. You'd be surprised who's been recorded. That's all I'm saying.

I like favourite old recordings. I'd be up for that. Yeah, Florence Nightingale is trying to plug some scheme for us. What, is she like an influencer? Yeah. Hey guys. I've just got these presents and I'm going to open them now.

Oh, another apodermic! Why is she American, Florence Nightingale, in this mic? Of course it won't even actually be. Oh! Hey guys, I'm doing an unboxing of some gauze bandages. And more batteries for my lamp. Yes, so, yeah, check it out.

Check it out. But I think he liked the podcast as well. Oh, he loves the podcast. Okay. See him on George Osborne. That's my catchment area. It's in your target market. Everyone loves the podcast.

Former chancellors, you're not going to make any money out of that. Well, I don't know. I think he'll find a way. Yeah, maybe. You're right. Oh, man. Okay. out of that I don't know I think he'll find a way yeah maybe you're right oh man okay we got sorry

we got Pierre Novelli with us today we haven't really remarked on it Pierre I'm going to give you a little backdrop

on Pierre we met because Pierre did a thing I used to do called The Rest Is History,

which was a sort of a show about history, but obviously with a comic bent. And Pierre was on that, and we bonded on the Anglo-Saxons. Yeah. And I don't know if they still use the word support act. Is there a fancier term for it? Opener, if you're an American. So, yeah, he was my opener

on the um just just just the fan mail uh he was my opener on my last tour so there you are how's it going pierre uh good thanks i um i've just come back from uh from a holiday in uh in bordeaux of all places bordeaux um find some music for him, Frank. Oh. There we go. I'm aware that for a man who's not French, I'm coming across as an extremely French man. Well, you said Pierre, and you've been to...

Sorry, there was a terrible moment then where I was going to put the jingle on of French music, which we have. I don't know why we have that. I think we've had that a long time. That's because our original, the man who first sat in your seat, Gareth Richards, had a thing about, who was he? It was Raymond Blanc. Raymond Blanc, whenever he cropped up, we used to hit that.

It says French sting sting which reminds me of the aftermath of a holiday that i had there in the 90s all right fine we'll come back to where we've reached that uh that point where the producer having i just say thrown herself across the i've never seen it i mean so it really was extraordinary it It was like the witch trials of the... It was like Salem. Suddenly she's there in a black frock and she flew across the room and pointed out the old French sting to me.

I haven't quite got over it, I'll be honest. I didn't know she could move that fast. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. I'll be honest. I'm really... I didn't know she could move that fast. I don't like this for me and McNaughton. Oh, yeah? Just... You don't like it? Well, he's just said lottery winner. Oh, yeah.

No, but that's fair because I did... I don't know if you know about this, P.O., but I feel that one of the obligations if you win the lottery, if you take the money, you have to agree legally to wear a top hat for the rest of your life when out of door so that people know what they're dealing with. Yes, that's fair. And question, in terms of summer garb,

with the weather being what it is, top hat with shorts and a T-shirt? Just the top hat, that's the badge. You're saying to people, yes, I've got loads of money, which I didn't work for. And that's something to say. If someone's got a bucket collecting for children in need, obviously they're going to make a beeline for the top hat wearer.

Top hat, a haircut around the top hat? That's their business. I'm not trying to run some sort of nanny state here. Anyway, so you were telling us some of Pierre, and then we went elsewhere. I was in Bordeaux, hence the... Oh, did you? Oh, mon the... Oh, yeah. Oh, old it! Oh, mon chéri!

Oh, mon oncle! Mon oncle! Mon oncle is not the thing that Mr. Peanut wears in his eye. Mon oncle, I've always loved, is... Because I don't speak French, but I'd love to. There's a Jacques Tati film, and it's my uncle, obviously, but mon oncle.

The word oncle, the fact that somebody was writing French originally, thought that'll be all right for uncle. Oncle. That word doesn't need any more syllables. No. We'll cut it in the middle of the hardest syllable to pronounce. Pierre has got quite a French exchange vibe today on the outfit fight.

Yes, yeah. I've come to be dragged around the tube and stop at the top of the stairs. Pierre's wearing shorts today. I always used to think on tour when Pierre wore shorts that he was too muscular to be close to. Do you know what I mean? In shorts, it felt dangerous. What do you mean?

It's like being in a lock with an unbroken horse in a confined space. What is wrong with you? I felt he could kick out. I wouldn't walk behind him when he had the mask. Not without blinkers. No, I felt he could

kick out and do quite a bit of damage. He's got these mighty legs. Oh, man. Do you feel yourself saying you have to earn his respect? I am, honestly. He looks... you know those

fleas can jump like the equivalent of jumping over a block of flats because they've got such mighty legs. That's what Pierre looks like. You are joking. Pierre could jump into a seventh floor balcony. With a single bound.

No, but flea, I'm on about the plus side of fleas, is they're very strong legs. Yeah. I know they can be an annoyance. But? But, you know... Re-jumping.

Credit where credit's due. That's how I look at fleas. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli is here with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show, what about that for an idea, via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I don't feel like we've had as many

in this morning. We have had loads. Oh, okay. We need to know, I want to know about Pierre's French exchange there. Oh, yes.

French exchange. We should do one of those things. Staying with a French family. Quand j'ai voyagé à la France. Probably. Mononk?

Was he there? I'm starting to think that when you see geese flying in formation, the person at the front is their uncle. They're going, Mononk? No, carry on. Well, before I do, Colin Reid commenting on your Royal Ascot outfit.

The thin controller. Oh, that's clever. Very good. That is clever. Very good. What if I said now I had some wasting disease and made him feel really terrible? If I haven't, I'm all, as far as I know, who knows?

I'm checked. Gene Holland, you look so smart, dear Frank. That's from Jane Austen. Yeah, that's nice. Lovely. Nice. So what happened in Bordeaux we does it stay in bordeaux well we were we were there for a friend decided to have um the most convenient version of

a destination wedding and we decided to stay on and we made i won't say mistake but i would say brave decision who's we in this story myself and my partner, the GF. We made the decision to do a wine tasting in Bordeaux, as one should, I suppose, but in about 40 degrees. Sort of a little wine tour. Okay. And I will say, at stages, it felt like a French Foreign Legion initiation.

What were you there to forget? I suppose you would forget quite a fair amount on a wine tasting thing. I think it was the first wine tasting where everyone was much more appreciative of the water between sips. Yeah. How does it work? I've never been to a wine tasting. Well, obviously on waste ground, but they're less organised. I'm sure you did a lot of spitting out.

Well, not deliberately. Organised. I'm sure you did a lot of spitting out. Well, not deliberately. Anyway, so how does it work? Well, you're sort of led into a cellar by a sort of tour guide figure, sort of shepherd figure, and you stand in a sort of awkward semicircle around them

while they extol the virtues of this or that very small quantity of wine. Yeah. And you all have to sort of sip it. There's a lot of sipping and nodding. Do you do that sort of... Yeah. And all that weird stuff?

There was one guy who was very against us trying to do that. Okay. Before we'd even had anything poured, he said, don't do it if you don't know how to do it. He was almost preemptively furious. Was this a bloke who was an authority figure or just one of the semi-circle?

Stepped in, arms wide. He was the wine-tasting guy. Oh, well, that's fair enough, I think. Because I think, you know,

you've got to protect your skills. He spoke with the jaded aspect of a man who'd been spattered. Yeah, I know I can see that. And also,

if you can do it, it must be annoying watching people go, as if they know what they spattered. Yeah, I know I can see that. And also, if you can do it, it must be annoying watching people go... if they know what they're doing. Yeah, dribbling down themselves. He was French, was he? There was a lot of... They were very French. They were different guys in the different cells.

Very French. Very French. There were some great... How did you define that? I defined it by... Très français. Très français. By the strength of the comedicness of the French accent.

Okay. What, did they say good moaning? Did they say ho, hee, ho? I'll be honest, one of them, we were in pretty solid good moaning territory. Right. The things that grew on the vines were grips. Oh, really?

Grips. Oh, grips. And they thrived because of the grival. You know what we feel? You know what this feels like? We found an accent we can legitimately do

and we just can't leave it alone now. It's been a long time. It is. Oh, man. A little walk down memory lane for the foreign accent

comedy guys. Stretch those muscles. Oh, I'd forgotten how good those foreign accents felt. Oh, I'd forgotten how good those foreign accents felt. Well, you've got one. Let us have one. Let's keep one.

One legit one, which I think everyone's okay with. I think it's... I hope so. Yeah. You know, I still think we should have kept Concorde. I'm good with the en francaise.

Yeah. Okay, we've got that. I felt I even had to do a bit of justification, even on the French accent, but there we are. More of this in a bit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we're in France with Pierre Novelli. That's right.

But before we return to France, great text in. Have to be honest, when I turned on the radio and heard I was led into a cellar, I thought Frank was back with his old friends in the S&M community. They don't have to be led. Oh, God. So we're on this tour, going to various cellars and sniffing wine and sipping it and nodding. And, yeah, we had the grips.

The grips grow well due to the grival. And then the bit that blew my mind was he gestured at a field and said, as you can see, the wine trees. What? And I thought, are you telling me, as a professional vineyard tour guide, who's fluent enough in English to have this job and has presumably done it for years, that you haven't quite come across the word vine in your life?

Wine trees. Wine trees. Oh. quite come across the word vine yeah what in your life wine trees oh i thought you've really skipped a crucial chapter of the vocab do you know what i love wine trees yeah i won't be saying anything else ever again i am i me and david badia incredibly went to portugal for golf lessons once. Harry Kane and friends? The guy there, we had this very melodramatic teacher and he would say, Portuguese, is that acceptable? Yeah.

I don't know if I can do it, but he'd say, look, I'll teach you things here, I'll give you techniques, but out there, out there, you must be inventive. And he'd gesture towards the golf course. And honestly, it was like we were going out on some mission somewhere. And I kind of like the gesture towards the wine trees. The wine trees.

I think golf and wine has got a bit of that. People who find it very romantic. Yes, people are very, if you're into it, you're into it. Big time. As I found out with horse racing yesterday, really into it.

Yeah. I sat next to a woman. I said, are you interested in horse racing? And she said, yeah. And I said, do you know a lot about it?

And she said, well, I suppose I do. And someone said to me after, I saw you talking to Lester Piggott's daughter. I said, oh, God. I had no idea. She wasn't caught. Then we had name badges. It's a different name.

You know what happens with the ladies. Change their names, throw everything. I will say that on the final section of the tour there was a couple that had come in late they only just got the last bit and i initially thought i was hallucinating due to the 40 degree heat and a day of sipping booze but the guy who came in was if you if you saw him cast in a play about Napoleon, your jaw would be on the floor. It was like a drawing of Napoleon had come in and sat next to me at a wine tasting in France.

I genuinely did a sweep round the rest of the room to see, is anyone else seeing that Napoleon has just come into the cellar? What was he wearing, dare I ask? Disappointingly, he was just wearing a sort of bright orange T-shirt and cycling shorts. I think I look a bit like Napoleon. Do you?

Yeah, a little bit. I've never thought that. Only a little bit. You know, I've always got compared to Nigel Clough. I was okay with that. A little bit Napoleon as well. No, not compared to this guy. Did he have the two strands of black hair

across his forehead? Yeah, but this guy had it because he'd been as late he'd been sweating and he had a little strand where was his right hand most of the time I was asked that I said oh where have you guys come from and I thought fingers crossed St Helena exactly

but Germany very disappointing that is a bit disappointing wow I'd like to have seen him. Couldn't you have took a secret photo of Napoleon? I was this close to sort of going, oh, shall we all get a photo as a group so we can remember this marvellous...

Yeah, you at the front, Napoleon. Oh, give her the game away. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Someone said, you know, we put up that picture of you at Royal Ascot. Well, it wasn't actually at, I was on my way there. Okay, on your way to Royal Ascot. Yes, I said it right. What I mean is don't expect to see lots of elegant ladies and horses in the background. No, but I was just distinguishing between ascot, which some would say, and ascot.

Oh, I see. I didn't know that. What do you say? I was taught that by a posh person. What? It's royal ascot. Oh, is it? And you don't say royal ascot.

I mean, who cares? For goodness sake, it's just the GGs. Catherine just says, I'm surprised at the shoes. Why, I wonder? Yeah. You don't get the shoes. She says, they look comfy, though. Oh, they look comfy.

Well, that's what I went for. You can't say to someone, how do I look? Very comfy. No, but they just said, black lace up shoes. That's what the rule said. So I went for me Ben Shermans. I think you look marvellous. Thank you.

Thanks. I'm going to dress like it all the time now. Yeah. You told me the other week I'd found my look, and now here we are again. Anyway, what's... It's the more French... Don LaFrance.

Yeah. Sure, of course. Don LaFrance, what a guy he was. So we got to the stage where... Don LaFrance yeah sure of course Don LaFrance what a guy he was so we got to the stage where Don LaFrance sounds like some sort of

drag act from the 1960s doesn't it that's his off stage name yeah a lot of fun good laugh

likes a drink anyway he might have briefly managed a regional football team as well Don LaFrance yeah

it's my 70s manager name maybe anyway an eccentric purchase He might have briefly managed a regional football team as well. Don LaFrance. Yes. It's my 70s manager name. Maybe. Anyway. An eccentric purchase. What happened with the, what did he call the wine trees? The wine trees. Well, we did our best to sort of pretend that we knew what he was talking about. Does one drink enough?

I say one, that was for your Spanish, the Spanish leg of the thing. Does one drink enough of the wine tasting to get drunk? I think you definitely could. And then there's the matter of the spitting. Yeah. Because these guys are doing it all day. So if they didn't spit, I mean. Oh, I see.

It's like. It can be found in the cellar. It's like Paul Hollywood having just a tiny piece of cake. Yes. Rather than a massive mouthful. Oh, that makes sense. I do wish Paul Hollywood having just a tiny piece of cake rather than a massive mouthful. That makes sense. I do wish Paul Hollywood had a big cake bin. He spat the mouthfuls in.

That would be brilliant. I'd love to see that. Because it wouldn't all come with cake. You'd get the initial lump, and then you'd get Paul Hollywood going... Yeah, grumps. And there'd be bits on his beard, his immaculate beard. Oh, and they'd end up on Prue's yellow glasses.

But until he turned after all the spitting... Did he turn? I didn't know that. Did he turn? What happened? Until he turned back... Yeah, he killed three people in a McDonald's. Did you not read about that? It was big news. Until he turned back to the contestant

after the horrible spitting, you'd think, I don't know if he likes it. No, exactly. It would really ramp up the tension. He'd turn back and go, that was brilliant. It's a shame Mary's not still on it. I'd like to see her do it over the spit bucket. Well, yes, she'd do it like a slightly disgusted aunt.

I'd enjoy that. It's aunt. Oh, do you know? Oh. No, yes. Yeah. Just try this lovely texture. Just excuse me.

Good day. Surprisingly guttural spitting from Mary. How do you think Noel would do the spitting? I don't think he'd do it. I think he'd just devour it. Yeah. Because he's sort of the living dead, Noel, so I don't think he'd have to worry about...

Can't put him away. Yeah, he's one of the night people. Yeah. 813, A up, you three. How come it's... Sorry, I didn't say that right. How come it's always wine that gets the excursions? Why don't we get trifle-tasting trips,

or perhaps pie-tasting weekends, where we're presented with a selection of wares to chomp on for a minute before they end up in a bucket? Yeah. That's from Andy Wood, Bronte Country. Yes, of course. One of our regulars, the Brontes.

That's Bramwell, West Yorkshire. I went to Cadbury World. Oh, there regulars, the Brontes. That's Bramwell, West Yorkshire. I went to Cadbury World. Oh, there we go. Name dropping. You get a lot of free chocolate there. I'd hope so. Well, you did in those days. Yeah, but what happens is you have a demonstration of it going into moulds

and then you get some free chocolate. Then you go into the gift shop and this is fabulous and you're thinking, I hate chocolate. It's a real mistake. Put the gift shop at the front I hate chocolate. It's a real mistake. Put the gift shop at the front is my thought. You're at the wrong place. But seeing people ride around literally driving around

in Cadbury's cream eggs on wheels. I mean it's all my dreams. It's like turtles. If I was naked in that scenario that would be one of my actual dreams. Yeah. Oh my god. Not mine. Yeah you say that. If I was naked in that scenario, that would be one of my actual dreams. Oh, my God, not mine. Yeah, you say that.

Why, do you not have the Cadbury's cream egg cast? So what do you think about this, that Andy Wood, thanks for the tip, from Bronte Country says, why is it wine that gets the excursions i agree with that as someone who doesn't drink and when i did drink um i didn't want to be sipping um i i yeah a wine has got a whole thing around it yeah i once talked to david gower the uh england cricket superstar about wine and he knew all that you know they really know yeah god they've got books on it the wine i like they the wine people the wine people yeah they're sitting under the wine tree

reading their wine book having a wine gone maybe. It's acceptable. But, I mean, if you had that kind of obsession over vodka, it would be considered a bit strange. Yeah, if you went on a vodka tasting, I wouldn't expect to see that person for a week. I mean, you'd lose your job, you'd lose friends. But as Andy Wood says, it's it could just be food.

It could be dolly mixtures. I had some dolly mixtures the other week, for example. I got a bag. And very low on the jellies nowadays. I don't know if the jellies are more expensive to manufacture. But it was mainly the sort of, you know, the candy.

The chalky ones. Hang on. Yeah, let me deal with this. What's these jellies business you're talking about? You know in dolly mixtures you get the little jelly cone things? Like a gummy bear. That sort of material. Like a gummy bear? What, as in...

No! As in... Oh, I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy. No! Not like a gummy bear. A jelly cone. Hang on, Pierre. I'm coming back in. OK. Dolly mixtures usually have these jellies with sugar on them,

on the surface. I'll handle this one. The pink... Do you mean the things with the pink and blue dots? No. Okay. I don't need those. Are you thinking of licorice all sorts?

No, no, no. I know what you mean. Isn't that dolly mixtures? They're much softer. No. Isn't that the same thing? Oh, no, no. Dolly mixtures are...

Is it candy they call that stuff? Dolly mixtures used to work in Madame Jojo. World's biggest candy war. I went into the M&M store and it's a sign that says this is the world's biggest candy war. And if I was to write a list of suspicious boasts, that would be on it. How has this been verified?

There was no mention of the Guinness record people. World's biggest candy war? Maybe. That's what I'm saying. Well, a lot of the candy stores, did you read that, are being closed down? They've been raided. They've been raided because they're carrying faux Wonka bars. Counterfeit Wonka bars.

Oh, you know what? We bought some Wonka bars recently from a shop that looked a bit dubious. Was it on Oxford Street? It was in the environs. Well, you might have bought one of Slugworth's imitations then. Oh, man.

Slugworth. Is that the name? That's the name of the villain in the book. Wasn't he at Hogwarts? I think there's a lot of slugface naming going on. There's mixed too many children's classics together here. No, we've got one in the house. We're halfway through one.

You'd better get rid of it. That's hot goods. The police have raided it. You've got a moody chocolate bar. You've got a moody chocolate bar. What does that mean? Are they dangerous? The ingredients

are not correct. It's a cheap chocolate for the three packages. I thought it was a bit weird that the golden ticket was to Peppermint Rhino. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about what are the other sweets Pierre that Frank likes? Well, jelly tots, apparently. No! Jelly tots is something different. Oh, people!

What about what 312 said? Did you see that, Pierre? 312 says, Frank, for the love of God... Yeah? The jelly sweets in dolly mixtures are called jelly tots. No, they're not. Jelly tots are a separate brand of sweets. That's what I'm saying. We can't say jelly cones, though, can we? No.

But the orange ones look like cones. I don't know if they've got a name. I think the great thing about Dolly Mixtures is it's the closest thing to a communist society. It's been achieved peacefully. I think they have their difference, but they operate as Dolly mixtures. They're not worried.

They're not, you know, individuality is not an issue. Would you be against it then if Dolly mixtures tried to follow the M&M's thing where they sell one pack of just green or just red? Well, the trouble is, as we were talking about this before, you get things like the yellow cube in dolly mixtures, but when you bite into it, the yellowness is just decoration. A facade.

It tastes like all the other stuff. Can I just get something absolutely straight here? Okay. How, any of these dolly tots, or whatever they're called, are any of them flavoured at all? Yes, they're Dolly mixture flavoured. Any distinguishing characteristics between each colour? There's a pink.

Apparently, that's not strawberry. I would say they all taste the same, and they taste it with a lovely texture, and that's what's great about it. But the jelly, obviously, has a different texture because it's jelly. I think... Not tots, in brackets.

Okay. I'd say the taste isn't plain sugar. There's something else happening there. No, it's like if you imagined, if you discovered, if science discovered that clouds were really sweet, eating them, I think, people might go straight to candy floss

but I think Dolly Mixers a bit more density in there they're very satisfying I ate I would say I gave my son

about 8 of a bag that had 200 in and I ate the rest did he get any jellies? Did he, Buffalo? They're for Dad. I think I like, in those ones,

the producer had them in her, does one still get glove compartments? Yes, I do. She had some, I think. I'm sure she had one of those. And I thought, what a strange thing to have in a glove compartment in this modern day and age

I mean often when people of an age sit around talking about sweets you get these lovely stories

but of course Emily's asked to be given by a producer oh she's just corrected me I've had a correction in

in the house oh ok what have you said she just said white mice oh I thought she was going to say she was an associate producer.

White mice. What about them? She had white mice. I remember thinking it was something 70s. Oh, was it Sarah who gave you the sweets? Yes, this producer. I knew it was something 70s. Gosh.

And that's why I stalled it away. No offence, Frank, as dolly mixtures. And it was white mice. Wow. Have you had those in a while, white mice? Yes. What I like about white mice is it's... What I like?

It's chocolate that isn't quite chocolate. You feel it's something... It isn't quite in the same postcode as chocolate, but it's quite adjacent. Chocolate's cousin. Yeah, you wouldn't have to get two bosses. You could get one boss to white mouse chocolate, but it isn't chocolate. I'd take my chances with a Willy Wonka pirate bar,

I think, over a whole bag of white mice. That's a six-month stretch in Chokey. Yeah, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli this morning. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Apparently, dolly mixtures... I mean, I will stop going on about this. It's becoming rather obsessive. I appreciate that.

And I don't want to stray too much into the territory of, remember, Spangles, obviously, but... No. Dolly mixtures are made entirely of fondant, Andy follows up.

So, in essence, they're little cubes of cake icing. Oh. That explains the texture. Is it cake? That's Frank's favourite programme. Well, we've finished it off this week. We just did the finale. When is the next series coming?

Who knows? But wowie. Okay. What a programme. Have is the next series coming? Who knows? But wowie. Okay. What a programme. Have you seen it, Pia? I've seen the clips of it cutting into her shoes. Oh, it's the best programme. It's got all the sort of cheesiness of reality telly

with genuine art. Oh, cheesecake. Oh, yeah. Can I talk to you both, please, about the winner of the man versus horse race? I'm not sure if either of you are familiar with this. Well, can I tell you something? Go on.

Not only am I familiar with this story, but I dropped it quite a lot in conversation yesterday at Royal Ascot to people who knew so much about horse racing and didn't know about this and so I'd swatted up a bit and I'd say stuff like yes to do with the sweating process I mean really did I show these guys they went away impressed so but carry on it's a great story well this chat so it's been, I mean, I feel we need to bow to you on this, Frank. You know your stuff with Man v Horse. I've become obsessed with it. Am I right in thinking it's been running since 1980, approximately?

This is the 41st year of running, and this is only the third human being to win the race. Wowee. And what I love about it, it started from an argument in a pub. Oh. This bloke in 1979 said, I reckon over a long distance a man could beat

a horse in a race. Now you just Google it up and say no, the horse wins. And that would be the end of that conversation. Because there was no Google then. They talked and it would be the end of that conversation because there was no Google then. They talked and it went through the week, this argument. The idea of an argument becoming an event like that, I mean, it couldn't have happened

when I was growing up in Birmingham. I don't know how we'd have made an exciting event out of such arguments as, are you looking at my missus? You couldn't really decide that by some sort of competition. It's the 41st year. Exactly.

41st year of are you looking at my missus? And only the third woman to win in that period. But this year they had the argument and they put it, because there was no Google, they actually put it to the test. What would the Polish person's one be? Have you stolen my lacrosse stick? So basically, it is extraordinary.

Have you seen the medal, by the way? No. The medal that you win is a man and a horse really staring at each other from close up in a confrontational fashion. Like a boxing weigh-in. Yeah, exactly. Exactly like that. What I believe they call reckless eyeballing. Really staring at each other like you just wait till this race starts. Do you think they considered at a point making it realistic and having the horse's head sort of side on? Really staring at each other like, you just wait till this race starts.

Do you think they considered at a point making it realistic and having the horse's head sort of side on, given that it doesn't have binocular vision? No, no, that is true. But when horses give you the evil eye... You know about it. Well, you know my terrible incident with the horse. I must have told you this. It became a stand-up routine.

So I'll tell you. During what period of your life? Oh, not so long ago. Okay, good. Well, you know. Frank was quite blue when he was younger. Now, this would have been in the 90s. Lovely.

What happened with the horse? Well, I don't have time. I'll tell you after. I'll do it very quickly because, like I say, it is available on YouTube, I think. But binocular vision actually comes into this. That's supposed to keep people tuned in? The binocular vision teaser?

Don't worry. Don't worry. So you had teased us with your equine anecdote. Well, like I say, I'm not going to give it the full wax. I don't really like doing stand-up on the show, but I'll tell you, this is actually what happened. I was having horse riding lessons because I was going to do a Wild West holiday in Montana. And I couldn't ride.

So I was going every week to the thing. And the man, well, do you know the man? Yes. He comes around. You had to put your own saddle on the horse as part of your sort of learning process. So I put the saddle on. And you know the big strap that goes underneath I got it tight but I was like one hole loose so when I got on the saddle I put my foot in the stirrup the whole saddle spun round and uh forgive me if this is no longer

an acceptable term but I gave it what we used to call a Chinese burn. Yeah. And the horse looked at me. Oh, no. In this most terrible withering look. And I stood there thinking, I realised I hurt it. And it leaned forward very slowly. I knew it was going to bite me and I had time to move,

but I remained rooted to the spot and it bit me on my upper arm slowly but with increasing pressure it really hurt and the way it did it with the head round is it it was still looking at me so it it was biting me, and at the same time, this look was sort of, you know why I'm doing this, don't you? It was really awful, but I didn't move. I took my punishment. It's so spiteful. A human being could not bite something while still staring at you,

so it's not really workable. But, yeah, very clever. But that was, it was scary, but I thought fair. Firm but fair was I thought about that horse. The horse wasn't angry, it was disappointed. Oh, anyway, yeah, a man, we should give the details. We should. So this character is called The Man Who Won.

Nominative determinism, possibly. Yeah. Yes, his name, Frank? He's Lightfoot. Ricky Lightfoot. Yes. As you say, he's the third winner. Yeah.

It seems... I should say it's over 22 and a half miles. And he did it in two hours, 22 minutes. All the twos in this thing. I like that. You sounded very like a Wimbledon commentator having to fill there. But can I tell you what the theory is?

Can I give you the deep background to this? The reason this bloke in the first place thought it would have to be over a long distance and it would have to be in warm weather. And it's to do with the sweating process. Although horses do sweat you see them after races they've got that frothy stuff it's not like our sweat it's sort of protein and fat and stuff coming out but we sweat in order to cool ourselves and horses like most

animals rely on panting to cool themselves and panting is not efficient over a long period of time so if it was a sprint or you wouldn't have a chance over a not efficient over a long period of time so if it was a sprint or you wouldn't have a chance over a mile but over a long distance the horse starts to suffer a bit more in warm weather because he's relying on pant he or she relying on panting so that's but even so the horses usually win i think there was a thousand human beings yeah,000 human beings. They do when you're around. Yeah, 1,000 human beings and 50 horses in this race, and this bloke beat everything. Gosh. Can I tell you what I think is a little unfair about Man V Horse?

Yeah. OK, I will. Is it the number of legs? I'll tell you what it is. It's the way, the premise of it, the prize pot I have issues with. The prize pot, this guy won three and a half K. Yeah. So far, so not that unreasonable.

Seems okay. However, the person next year, if they win it, they'll get 500 pounds. Yes. Now, this is because it builds up and builds up. It's like pointless. If someone wins is because it builds up and builds up. It's like pointless. If someone wins it, it goes back to the minimum. But imagine if they did that at Wimbledon, like when Andy Murray wins.

Some British man enters it the next year. Oh, sorry, I've only got £500 because the prize pot was taken last year. Yeah, that's true. Is that to stop them being rinsed by Ricky Lightfoot? Oh, yeah. Yeah,ed by Ricky Lightfoot? Oh, yeah. Yeah, the returning Ricky Lightfoot. Bankrupting the race.

Yeah, he'd have to be banned from the race. You know these guys that win a lot at blackjack and they're told they can't play at the casino anymore. Yes, that's it. Yeah, Lightfoot turned away. Yeah, so I don't know how it is as a spectator event over 22 and a half miles, but imagine if it had

been, because he won by about two minutes, imagine a close finish between a man and a horse watching that. That would be amazing, wouldn't it? Harder to win by a nose as a human. Yeah. That's been for yourself. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. a human. Yeah. Speak for yourself. We're talking about

is it man versus horse Frank or horse be man? I think man versus horse sounds better doesn't it? I don't know who was there first Pierre in the evolutionary chronology. Man or horse.

Which version of man? Well, I might have to go Neanderthal. What's your favourite? Is that your favourite? It used to be. I remember you saying that to me on tour. Yeah, we had a lot of strange codes going in that tour van. You and your Masonic lodge antics.

Oh, man. Can I tell you something that slightly disappointed me? It doesn't show me in a great light. A lot of things don't. However, when I first saw this, I was really hoping, I was so hoping it was a riderless horse. Oh, right. Because I think they're chickening

out a bit. Sorry to bring chickens in. Yeah. But I just think that would really up the stakes, wouldn't it? If it was just horses flailing around. Yes, I think more human beings would win then. I was

chased by a bull once and I won. So are you in the B now? Yeah. I've got to say, a bull is a great pacemaker. You really find out what you're capable of. Their motivational skills, the pursuing bull. of their motivational skills the pursuing bull but that's utterly should train with one of those at their heels it's amazing what you can do i ran up a fence with my hands full didn't and still got over the fence just with my feet like a spider oh my god this genuinely happened outside of a cartoon

setting yes and i had a carrier bag in one hand and an electric kettle in the other. When you started Motion, did you briefly leave behind a cloud of dust that looked exactly like you? Well, obviously my feet just went along on the ground for the first bit before. It was absolutely terrifying, I must say.

Thank God I'd had nine pints on my own in a pub in Kenilworth. Yeah. That's a... I mean, the only encounter I've had is with a wild boar. Oh, OK. He was terrible. Awful man. Tell us who it was after.

You both know him. But anyway, I just think the riderless horse would have zhuzhed it up a bit. I know it's a bit Abraham Lincoln funeral. I see your point. But still. Anyway, what animal could you beat in a race? 8'12", 15".

Yeah. It's very interesting, the whole thing. I love the name, Ricky Lightfoot. I did think it could be a competitor to your Eurovision entry. Yeah. I think so. Of life. the name Ricky Lightfoot I did think it could be a competitor to your Eurovision entry. Yeah. I think so. Of life.

No, he's quite a guy. Apparently he hadn't slept for like 29 hours before because he was coming back from Tenerife or somewhere and still beat a horse. It's like the sort of thing that you'd read about

from the era of Victorian eccentrics. Yeah. He beat a horse in a race and he hadn't slept. Yeah. If Al Ricky gets a really good eight hours, man, they can line up the wildcats.

They're not going to catch him. What a guy. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anne, we've had some responses. To what animal could you beat in a race? It wasn't even a serious suggestion. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Go on. We've had Iona Faz. She says, I can run really fast on my hands and feet. Wow. I reckon I could beat Raymond, she says. That's my dog. Well, he's quite small, Raymond.

But I really, I mean, I spent most of the 80s on my all fours. And I never really hit a pace with them. I found it quite hard work. Yeah. Nick, a cow. I think I could beat a cow. Could you? I think Nick might be assuming a lot there.

I've been, on my many walking holidays, I've been through a few fields. I've been through a few where they've got bulls in the same field as a public footpath. Outrageous. Yeah. But cows, if they got young, can be quite menacing. Oh, really?

And I think if you went over there brandishing something, you'd find how fast the cow could move, yeah. You know, with greyhounds, they've got that sort of rabbit or similar, like that spins, shoots out ahead of the hare. The hare, yeah. What would that be for cows? Just sort of patch a turf? Yeah, that's...

Shooting away from them. Yeah, that's... Shooting away from them. Yeah, that's... What would it be? How could you motivate them? Is it just grass? Just a lump of grass, yeah. That'd be rubbish, wouldn't it? I watched dog racing on the telly with my son

and I said, what happens is they all get put in boxes and then a false hair goes past on a thing and he went, yeah. I said, no, it honestly does happen. He just wouldn't accept it. Then when he came round, he had the most massive laughing scene.

Because if you're approaching it from, like, nowhere, it was children. I mean, what happens? Yeah. People go and put money on dogs chasing a false hair. And it's stuck in a very funny sort of mid-sprint posture, isn't it, the hair? Yes. Somebody referenced, actually, I was talking to

you yesterday, they knew the hair setter at a herring guy or something like that. The person who had to put it on the movable perch. So you want to get it, obviously if it comes off, the dogs stop and rip it apart. Of course. So it's got to be comes off, the dog stop. Of course.

So it's got to be firmly fixed, the hair. And it's got to look enough like a hair to keep them going. Just saying. Douglas Ashington. Good name. A sausage dog over rough ground. Yeah, I can see that because it would undulate. It would be like racing the man from Atlantis because it would do that up and downy thing.

I just did the gesture with my hand. Unhelpful on radio. Darren Fordham, if I had a triathlon with a shark, I love that song, I'd win the running, the shark would win the swimming, so it would all come down to who's quicker on a bike. Yeah, you've got to get through the swimming bit, though. That's the problem, isn't it?

I mean, I would, honestly, though, if they had, like, Komodo, a man v Komodo dragon, come on. No, that would be terrifying. You've only got to get one nip from a Komodo. Once the poison's in your thing, then that would slow you down, then it would devour you. Yeah, but that's all the fun of the fair. I've come to think of it, I've got a voucher for a komodo dragon experience at london

so i haven't i haven't actually spent yeah it sounds like a trap to me is it with an undertaker i forgot about it yeah i enter with a padre but um yeah do they ask you to come in the morning suit and the top hat just ready for the burial? No, they ask you to come in a shroud. I'd forgotten about my Komodo dragon voucher. Leave it. That's someone who's got too much in their life. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Lee has been in touch. If it was over a long distance, a cat,

because they'd get distracted and walk off the racetrack. Yeah, because they can shift cats when they have to. I saw one chasing a squirrel once when I was running, and the squirrel was flat out, and there wasn't much in it. I wasn't completely convinced it was going to win. Yeah? But yeah, a cat would never keep it up

for 22 and a half with their... A riderless cat. Yeah, well, a cat with a rider. Can I have that at my funeral, please? Say if you got something like a mandrill on the back of a cat, you know, a strict disciplinarian ape

I think a cat could surprise itself I'd like to race against the dot just for the aesthetics I've been to dot racing in the Gardswolds at Winchcombe it's a regular event

how is it? You know what? I really enjoyed it. No. But don't give me the bill, as the old joke says. Well, Sharon Willis says, depends what type of race, egg and spoon, I could take on most of them.

Oh, that's true. But I did think a duck, spoon and bill, egg clenched, has a chance. Yeah, you could have egg in womb. Yeah. And spoon just gaffer tape round the carcass. That way you could avoid any flight cheating. True, yeah.

If you went right round the wings with it. Technical victory. Yeah. But yeah, interesting spectacle, the bound... The bound duck race. The bound duck race. What about at school? There was always a cheat, wasn't there, in the ENS race?

Do we know what they did, Frank? Do you know what they did, Pierre? I knew. Go on. They kept the thumb fixed on the egg. Unforgivable. Lifetime marked. Yeah, that's the person who's going to be texting

onto the table at a pop quiz 20 years later. Absolutely. Again, unforgivable. What would you least like to do? What would I least like to do? That'd be a great texting. Unforgivable. What would I least like to do?

That'd be a great texting. Can you imagine some of the terrible answers we'd get to that? Oh, my God. I'm not even going to speculate. Pandora's box. I won't leave that open. I was going to finish it. But you know what?

Let's leave it there. Let's leave it. Can I say that is not a texting, and I do not want any answers to what you would least like to do. I do. Definitely not. Episode four, I'm going to say, of my poetry podcast is out on Wednesday. I'm doing Claire Pollard this week.

It's all mermaids and stuff. Ooh, love it. Catch up on all previous episodes wherever you usually get your podcasts. Pierre, great having you on. I find we get on as well in a studio as we do in the back of a van. I think that's true, yeah.

How many people can say that? So, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out