The Frank Skinner Show - Cake Workout

Episode Date: December 18, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has walked two miles with a cake and saw the new Spiderman film. The team also discuss the Oliver Twist Christmas lunch, aging superheroes and tipping the postman at Christmas.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteeradio.co.uk. Thank you, Carla. Look, beautifully done, Frank. Very nice. Thanks.

So, I'll tell you what I did this week. I carried a cake over two miles. Wow. I don't think I've ever carried a full-sized, proper, heavy cake on a plate thing that far. You do love a world record attempt. I do. Funnily enough, I was watching them. I forget what they're called.

You'll know, Al. They're something giants, which is like a branch of the world's strongest men. They were on in Manchester. I was half waiting for Alan to come striding out in a mankini. It didn't happen. Me, I think you'll find the world's strongest man is very much my specialist area of interest. Well, you both have a foot in the resin tray, I would say.

I had a foot in a lot more than that. It was amazing. There was a bit where they had to carry two very, very heavy weights and run with them, but they looked like they were suitcase-shaped. So it looked like someone running for a boss, a big man running for a boss. Very heavy luggage. Yeah, and then when they got to the other end,

they had to drag an anchor back the other way. Oh, do you know they love an anchor? Oh, man, I don't know what they'd do with that, an anchor. What would they carry? They'd have to use livestock. What about, well, it's very tricky for them. I mean, I realise I'm obsessed by them and I talk about them rather too frequently.

But what about when he told me, I was quite shocked, it was Terry, I think he was a British entrant, about how often he breaks toilet seats. Oh, I can... Is that what they do instead of ripping up phone books? There are no longer. They do 10 minutes of gurning and then snap it in two there were four i think in the top ten there were four men from ukraine if i was putin i would think

twice before going in there a lot of ukrainians sees it as a numbers game i think so anyway so Boz had a secret Santa at school and his secret Santa present was an enormous cream strawberry and a velvet is it velvet do they call that kind of cake red velvet cake which was lovely but quite heavy

and there's only really one way to carry a cake like that and that's in front of you you know what i mean so um like you're bearing the crown on a cushion at the coronation that kind of how on his secret santa was a giant cake goodness me well the rule at their school is you have to make your present for the other person not you can't just go out and throw money at the problem someone made him a red velvet cake. Yeah, one of the kids in the class made him a cake.

I was just going to ask, was it a parent or a child? No, it was a child's name on it. Oh, he goes, I've left it. I do not delve. He goes to the sort of school where those kids that are like protégés that end up on Junior Masterchef go. That's amazing. Class warfare from Alan Cochran.

Alan Cochran Alan Cochran former drama school student yeah got a grant yeah oh well we all did dear

I got two I got two I'll be honest with you don't bring me into this I can't imagine what it's like I'd fall on so yeah

I've never carried a cake two miles in my life and I'll tell you something now on the subject of the world's strongest men, I think they'd have struggled with it. You use muscle. What do you carry like that out in front of you for any period of time? All you carry like that is a plate from kitchen to table kind of thing.

But to carry it two miles over rough terrain. Rough terrain, Frank, come on. Hamster teeth. And did you have, what sort of a plate was it on? It was in an upturned Quality Street thing. Oh, they're traditional. So it sat on the tray and then the bowl of the Quality Street became the lid. The world was upside down there for a second.

Did you keep it intact? Oh, yeah. It was a great cake. I didn't drop it, but I could feel it in my shoulders and forearms after. The cake workout. Do you know, I'm really proud you kept that cake intact. Yeah, thanks. I think that's great. You should try it. Are you all right? Do you know I'm really proud you kept that cake intact Yeah thanks

I think that's great You should try it Have a day off the kettle bells Is that what they're called And just try When you get your Christmas cake Just go round the block four or five times You'll feel the sinews rising

You'll look like a William Blake painting Or Madonna Or anyone else with their veins on the outside. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was just scribbling down your cake workout, which I'm going to take a lot of credit for online. Honestly, it's hard. You know, there are things, and I know you're, you know,

I respect that you are, you know more about building muscle than I, but you know when you use muscles that you don't normally use, that's my point. You don't, you wouldn't get, you don't see people carrying, you know the big, the weights, the circular weights you put on the end for whatever you call them. We used to call them a barbell, but I don't think they call them that anymore. You don't see anyone carrying those like a plate of pancakes.

That's basically what I was doing. That's what they should try. I suppose it was like that moment just before you released the caber in the Highland Games, but for two miles. And significantly lighter, I would suggest. My point of that was that it was a great cake. It was one of the best. I'd be worried if a personal trainer suggested the cake walk as an exercise.

Oh, yeah, the cake walk. Maybe that's where it comes from. Also, a personal trainer would have to get told to shut their cake up. Hang on, Al. Al. Al. Doctor Who News, apparently. No, I was happy to hear Shut Your Cake On on national radio.

It sort of disappeared. Who was the last person that said that? It must have been Del Boy. It was probably me. It could have been. Michael Sheen. There's been rumours that Michael Sheen,

the man of a thousand faces, was going to be the next Doctor Who. And I'll tell you what he said. He made a thing, a statement, and he said, now, this is something I always say, the sort of thing that Dave Swift in sales would say. I mean, not there isn't a real person, but you know the kind of bloke I'm with.

He said, it ain't me. And it's that use of ain't. He went ain't. He went completely ain't me. And it's that use of ain't. He went ain't. He went completely ain't. Did he? So he's not going to be. I didn't know he was from what I call the ain't brotherhood. No, I didn't think he was an ain'ter.

Who sits in the ain't brotherhood chair? Like, who can you most imagine? Does Clarkson say ain't? You know what? I think he might be too smart to say ain't. I think he might. OK. I'd go someone like Jamie Oliver or Vinnie Jones.

Someone southern. Oh. No, I'm not. Well, that's this morning's texting. Celebrity most likely to ironically use the word ain't. 8, 12, 15. Anyway, he's not going to be the new Doctor Who Michael Sheen.

I thought of someone who did say it. Didn't Alexander Armstrong use it? Oh, yes. Because on one of his I'm going to call it albums. Albums. On one of his albums for the Elderly, he did Golden Brown, the Strangler's It,

and what he said about it was, Strangler's Light, it ain't, was what he actually said. Which is weird as well that he used it then because, of course, that's exactly what it was. I mean, don't use ain't if it's not going to be true. Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely bloke, but the albums, you know, even Homer nods, as they say.

So he's sitting in the armchair, the Armstrong chair at the moment. Is there a new album this Christmas? I haven't seen the... No, I'm saying he's sitting in the ain't armchair. But you know with his overcoat collar turned up walking through a cornfield. Please stop this, I can't. I don't get the alerts anymore. No.

The Armstrong alert. I think the album has not come out this year. Armstrong album alerts. I don't want, I mean, don't not check Amazon on my account. Hang on, he'd had Scorbra Fair, didn't he? He did. Oh, was that on the last album? That was on the difficult first album.

They're both quite difficult. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, when I was saying that Michael Sheen isn't going to be Doctor Who, I wasn't... He was nice about Doctor Who, just that he hadn't got the job. I don't want any rage against the M. Sheen. Just because he hadn't got what I believe Princess Diana referred to as the top job. No, was she up for Doctor Who?

Not everyone considers that the top job. Oh, was she up for Doctor Who? She was slightly... No, not everyone considers that the top job, Frank. She meant the ultimate job, and she referred to it, I think she once said of Prince Charles, I'm not sure if he will ever get what I call the top job. Ah, what I liked about that

is you looked down at the floor for a bit. It's impossible to do a Princess Diana without looking down at the floor for part of the impression. You ain't wrong, my friend. If she had her own radio show, you'd need a mic on the desk level and one just above to allow for the bowed humility. We've had a lot of our readers getting in touch, suggesting names for the ain't chair.

Oh, lovely. This is the celebrity most likely to say ain't, which is quite a good title to have in your life. So we have John Hopkins. Yes, he's a regular, isn't he? Yes, you always call him... Hopkins. He says, I bet Hugh Grant throws in a few ironic ain'ts.

Oh, maybe. Slightly posh ain'ts. He's gone to the posh ain'ts side of things, yeah. Now, I can hear that. Hopkins is never wrong. Yeah, there's a slight sense of dressing down when Hugh Grant does an ain't. Yes, I think so. And he says, on the subject of Alexander Armstrong's album

Music for the Elderly... It is not called that. Can we make that clear? Anyone who's trying to find it now... Often played loud, that album. Very, very loud indeed. And apparently on the vinyl version, Smells of Lavender.

What does he cover on it? In olden days, a glimpse of stalking. Look, I bet he sold a lot. Oh, you ain't lying. No. Does the golden brown he croons about refer to Werther's original? Oh, poor Xander now. He's been...

It's all right, he'll be fine with it. Ian Botterill, based on past form with Let's Be Avenue, Delia Smith would exclaim, ain't like a canary. Oh yeah. I mean, can I just, can we unpack that little tweet? Like a canary? I mean, that works on a lot of levels. First of all,

it's a tweet. A second, oh, Frank! Second, Norwich. Norwich, of course,! Second. Norwich. Norwich, of course. She's the Norwich chairperson, I believe. And also, of course, she was a cage fighter in Dis, in the Suffolk town of Dis, when she was a teenager.

Peter Sheridan has suggested the late Derek Okora, who used to say, I ain't going in there. Oh, right. The world of spirits. And then, I mean, we've got so many of these, so I'll save some of these up for you. I wonder if Derek Okora is on the other end of any other acts,

no, spiritualist acts. I beg your pardon? Well, is he like our man in the land of spirits? I wonder if there's anyone who's using him as a familiar. What was his familiar called? Joe? What was it?

What was the name of Derek Accor as familiar? 8, 12, 15. He used to get angry with him, didn't he, sometimes? The familiar got angry with Derek. Derek was extremely respectful to... Nick Bartram, Greg Wallace is in the ain't chair. Oh, yeah.

He says, that soup ain't bad, Herbert. Very good ain't... Work. Yeah. What I'd ask you, I was going to... Yeah, it's sort of a bit like when you go dousing for ain't work. Yeah. What was the word I was going to yeah it's sort of a bit like when you go dousing

for ain'ts. Yeah but yeah all of those people it sits easy on their lips. Well done everyone on the

ain't front. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ginsberg's pasty has suggested another ain't chair contender, Fats Domino. Of course, ain't none a shame. Yeah, but I suppose that's an ironic ain't from Fats,

or I don't know, can we still call him Fats? Yeah. Okay, thanks, Al. Thanks for that permission. And Grumpy Dad has suggested Emily Dean. I reckon she says ain't three to four times a day. Oh, sir, how wrong you are. I'm not very ain't, really.

I'm a lot of things, but I'm not very ain't. This sounds like the beginning of a song from Oliver. I'm not very ain't, Bill. I don't care what you say, but I can't, Bill. I mean, I'm ancient, but I'm not ain't. Oh, no. Never you. Never you.

OK. Never you. Never you. Never. I wondered if Frank might be interested in me reading a text that begins Frank's dead right. Yeah, it sounds good so far, unless it's talking about any of my limbs. I mean, I'm happy to clean that up a bit. Always happy to read out your being corrected. But here we've got someone affirming your point. Frank's dead right. The unnatural action of holding a cake with your elbows bent at a right angle for a length of time strains your arms.

Well, so far agreeing with you, but who is this guy? Do they even know what they're talking about? It continues, I'm a chef and it happens to me. And then there's some praise, but but i mean there's a chef verifying the difficulty of what you've described yeah i mean i wonder how far he's carrying it might work in a really big kitchen might be in room surface might be from kitchen to room yeah see i think i would have been very tempted to sing Carry That Weight if I'd have been you.

Carry That Cake. Yeah. Just in your brass in pockets thing. I wouldn't have been able to help myself. How could you resist? I was in too much pain to sing, if you don't understand. I really got to a point where I said, I can't put it on the floor. It's very muddy out here.

It was such a nice, I mean, it tasted great. And the good thing was is i'd burnt off the calories carrying it so then i was able to enjoy a nice big fat slice with a big fat strawberry on the top okay 854 has reminded us we've had a lot of people 441 derrick akora's chap was sam 854 derrick akora's familiar was sam they first met 2000 years ago when derrick was in ethiopia oh i didn't know the origin story he's an ethiopian boy i believe yeah that reminds me i saw a documentary about um a guy who said he was possessed by Handel. Oh, right. You know, Thingy Friedrich Handel.

I can't remember the first name. Thingy Friedrich Handel. What's the first name? I'm not sure if that's... Welcome to Module 1 of the Royal Academy of Music. Messiah Handel. That Handel. George Frederick Handel.

GFH. You couldn't get a grip on Handel though, could you? I just couldn't. I just couldn't. They interviewed this guy and he said, well, yes, I first met Handel

when I was the Society Beauty Lady Anastasia Dufont and we both lived and I thought this can't get any more ridiculous and then he said and we both lived in atlantis at the time i thought mate too many liars too many liars there if you'd have left it if you just said i feel i'm in contact with handle that would have been fine. Then you're a society beauty. And now you're a man from Atlantis.

I saw a strange... How did this happen? I've been watching the Test cricket from Australia as always thinking, I can't believe that this is happening live in Australia and I'm watching it on telly. What time is it then? About three in the morning? It starts about four in the morning

because it's a day and night game. But the incredible thing, the ball goes out to the boundary, pursued by a fielder. You know, there's advertising all around. What is being advertised on the boundary? Woolworths. Shut up.

What is the time difference between here and Australia? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can you remember I mentioned that they, I presume they still have all works in Australia then, unless, you know, someone just hasn't taken the sign down, which seems unlikely.

Well, Ian Angle, Angel, has texted one of his jokes. Frank, why would the Aussies need woolies when it's their summer? You see? Yeah, I see. No, I get it. I think that's alright. Do you remember their advertising slogan?

How do you feel if someone responded to your joke like that? I get it. I think it's alright. Well, as long as they're joke like that? I get it. I think it's all right. Well, if it was their pay. You get used to it. Yeah. Woolworths advertising slogan, do you remember? Oh, well, was it Woolies? It was, that's the wonder of Woolworths.

And at Christmas, there was a song that went, that's the wonder of Woolworths. That's the wonder of a wool is christmas it was really the estate that i was supposedly sue um i believe i don't think they they did favorite um advertising slogans of all time that aren't quite right um 8 12 15. i'll tell you what. Do you remember the... We don't want just good advertising. No, we don't want to go to work on an egg or whatever.

Obviously, our purpose is to sneer at them, not to celebrate them. I'm here for that. Do you remember the Kellogg's one? We come here to sneer at... I never understood the Kellogg's one? We come out to sneer at... I never understood the Kellogg's one. Maybe someone could... Apologies.

The Kellogg's slogan used to say, we don't make cereals for anyone else. Oh. Who accused you of that? Also, who cares what you do in your spare time? It's fine. I know you've got another life. We don't care what you get up

to, Kellogg. Well, they accuse us. There's a scandal going on. Hold on. This is Cornflakes. Even though it's called Golden Snow, it's actually Cornflakes. I feel also you're right. Kellogg's are involving us

too much in the backroom. Yeah, I don't want to know your business. We don't want to know what's going on. As scandals go, for Dr Kellogg, I believe that small beer is him making cereal for other people. Yeah, I just think it's, I don't get that. Should I? Dr Kellogg was an interesting one. I'll tell you off there.

Can I say another slogan which I've always struggled with? Go on. I think it was too complex a concept to grasp as a slogan. Keep it simple, Morrow, as I once heard shouted at Arsenal. Ironically enough, some may say. Never knowingly undersold. Oh, yeah. No-one really knew what it meant.

I don't know what undersold means. Exactly. And how old are you? How old am I? I don't really know. I know what it means now, but it's too much. That's a good point. I've never really...

He used the word knowingly. Knowingly is if we ignore the internet. That's what they mean. I mean, I'm glad it happened because there was a fast bowler called John Lewis and everyone used to say, never knowingly underbowled. Oh, that's good.

And I know what that underbowled means. It means you don't get enough overs from your captain, but I don't know what undersold means. I think it's a terrible error. Let's end on a more uplifting one. What about Skittles, taste the rainbow? Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely Skittles. I love a Skittle.

Can I have a Skittle? I taste the rainbow. Beautiful. And I don't make Skittles for anyone else. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We've actually just had a text come in that says, guys, there is Woolworths in South Africa too. Is there really? That's our lovely use of guys, especially if it's slightly passive-aggressive. Yeah, it continues.

It's pretty much like M&S here. Have a good one, Andy Williams. What are the chances? Almost there, we're almost there. That was my Andy Williams, what did you think? Andy Williams asked me once. It's not that terrible. Andy Williams said, if we's not that terrible. Andy Williams said

if we brought out he said if we brought out my old shows you remember the shows that had the cookie bear and the man in the suitcase things he did like comedy skits

Okay. He said if we brought them out on DVD do you think they'd sell? What did you say? Oh please don't tell me you gave one of some of your useful bits of advice.

I said yeah get them out there Andy. That's nice. And he said do you think so? I said yeah they're really funny? I said, yeah, get them out there, Andy. And he said, you think so? I said, yeah, they're really funny, they're timeless. Did you get them out there? I hadn't watched one for like 35 years. I don't think it happened. But I like the idea of Andy Williams asking me about his merch decisions.

Do you know, I got hoisted by my own petard this week. I was speaking to Jonathan Ross, and he was offering advice, and I said, you're like Frank Skinner giving advice to Andrew Lloyd Webber. And you know what he said to me? Yes. And how did that work out? He took the advice. He did, actually. I found out years later. Josh Jeffrey Frank says, in the 90s, just talking about ads, those were the days, hey,

golfing legend Seve Barasteros did an advert for Sunderland waterproof clothing. Did he? At the end, he muttered the slogan, I don't think there's nothing better than Sunderland. The double negative suggesting that there are indeed better options. I don't think there's nothing better than Sunderland.

That's good. Ah, but in his charming Spanish accent. Ah, in the Spanish way. Didn't he do American Express as well? I've got an image of a Seve with... Oh, God. Dan Parsons has texted in just really sort of unfortunate slogans. Time Warner, enjoy better.

Fine, I'll watch something else. Enjoy better? What does that mean? It's a bit borat. It's not working for them. You're supposed to enjoy better than you currently enjoy. Well, it seems to be putting... Improving your enjoyment.

Also, Al, it seems to be putting a lot of the responsibility for the enjoyment on you. Could you please enjoy this better? Interesting point, that. How much we are responsible for our own enjoyment. Let's not make this a phone texting. I love it when the show creeps into philosophy yeah me too that's what gets me up we do but out there i hear the clicking of a thousand

dials well in that case how about we head down the old previously Would you fancy a bit of that? Yeah, this is when people are kind enough to text and email us about things that were on previous shows. So a lot of people listen to the show on podcasts, for example. People that just cannot stand the music that I choose. Okay. Do we have a jingle for them, Frank? Well, we have an outside world jingle. We don't have an actual previously one,

but I think this, we have an all-purpose jingle, which I can use. What do you think of this? Oh, I'm a gummy bear. I'm a gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy bear.

I don't know. It always cheers me up. I really thought it was going to be that one that you play. Which one is that? Al? Al's gone. I think we've lost Al. Do you think Al meant...

Hello. Al's back. Hey. Hey. I knew Al would be brought back. That's like when you bring someone out of a coma by playing them Take That. I played Dancing Lasher Tomboy and Al came back on air. I find it very triggering after my Dancing Bear incident, that music.

What was your Dancing Bear incident? I don't know, the Dancing Bears. It just reminds me of that. That's the sort of music they play in the circus for the Dancing Bear. Oh, is it really? Yeah. Have you never seen them? No.

You don't really get the Dancing Bears. We'll talk in the break. Yeah. OK. They're part of the unemployed circus people. Out to pasture. Unemployed circus. Do they not even do cannon anymore?

Do what? Do they not even fire someone out of a cannon? I haven't seen anyone fire out of a cannon for a long time. I don't know how they did that within a tent. Because one imagines they go along. I don't know if I've ever seen it. They had a hole in the top of the tent. That's how.

What, they fired them through the hole in the tent? Yeah, that's right. That cannot possibly be true. That cannot be of the tent, that's how. What, they fired them through the hole in the tent? Yeah, that's right. That cannot possibly be true. That cannot be true. I think that's called first degree murder. Always popular at the circus. We have got some emails about things that we discussed previously on the show. I'd like to bring Frank's attention to an ecclesiastical complaint

that Karen Dodgson has sent in. Sorry to be pedantic. I'm suspecting she isn't. No, on this show, it's fine. Sorry to be pedantic, but please can you tell frank skinner to stop saying there were three wise men the wise men brought three gifts but nowhere in the bible does it say how many wise men there were in the group thank you i might have put a bit of tone on that yeah i've seen it on a christmas, though. Yeah. Yeah, so I think...

Your move, Karen. Yeah, and also, you know... Literally Karen. We Three Kings, you know. Don't get me started on We Three Kings. I didn't, I had never realised that, Karen. Seriously, I think that's a good point. I've always accepted that there was three.

Does it never say three, then? Well, according to Karen. Okay. Well, I see you as the authority, Frank, on these matters. She might have just got her Bible from somebody older than her at school that's crossed out the word three all the way through it. Yeah, that's possible. Like pesky Gideon, up to his old tricks again.

He was always the naughty one. The section on the Trinity is a bit vague. Oh, okay. Well, that's interesting. I never knew that. Okay, then. The wise men. Well, also, are they kings or are they wise men? As we know, the two

are mutually exclusive. Well, in my experience, it's not often you get both in the same vessel, but there we go. No, no. Seeing as it's an inherited position with very few skills. I think Solomon, and then they broke the mode.

You think what? Solomon, he was wise, and then that was that. There'll be some shockers, though. Herod, terrible man. One, Carlos of Spain. Who's your favourite king? I don't know anything about him. I just couldn't think of a king.

Who's your favourite king at this point? Ledley King, former England player. No, he was a good player. I'm happy with Ledley. Mark King, former level 42 frontman. King? Do you remember him? Do you remember him?

The 80s star who was just called King he was from Coventry what about arriving at that I just called myself King that'll do did he sing Love and Pride Love and Pride I think he was

Prince's dad and of course he was married to Freddie Mercury oh it all makes sense it all makes sense in the end. Pop lineage here on Absolute Radio. What else on the Previos? Because I like the idea that people are taking ideas from the previous week

and allowing them to marinate and then bringing something new to the table. That's what I think. Well, The Three Kings. That was a good one. We don't know. This is another Three Kings. Yes. Yeah.

Hello, Emily and the others. My kind of guy. Wow. Lays ultra. Deal with it. On last week's show, Emily took issue with the lyrics

to We Three Kings. Lyrics is an interesting thing. Well, they are. I suppose they are. They have to qualify. The opening line was structured incorrectly.

You may recall, readers, I'm sure you thought of little else all week. I had a major problem with We Three Kings of Orient R, comma. It just didn't sit well with me.

Frank didn't agree. Alan didn't. I've got my own mind. I've held firm on this. Fair play. But we three kings of Orient are isn't the whole sentence.

It's just the first half of one. The full sentence is we three kings of Orient are bearing gifts we traverse afar. So I think that works. There are plenty of reasons to pick grammatical holes in hymns and carols, but I don't think this is one. I'm hoping if this is read out, it's in a tone that's light and cheery rather than grumpy or aggressive. OK, I love stage direction.

I love you all. I like stage direction. I love you all. I like ignoring them. I love you all. I love you all very much. Oh, that's nice. I look forward to my Saturdays with you. That is from Tim in Colchester. Thank you, Tim.

Peace and love. Tim, now enjoy an oyster this Christmas. It's what Colchester's famous for. You looked at me like I said something rude No, I'll tell you why I was looking at you because the producer was waving a fez in my eye line and you know what that means That means she'll tell

Yeah, I know what that means We three presenters of Absolute are We know the rules Yeah, but are the three of us I imagine Paul Daniels to have used the word ain't quite often. Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. That's Gaz in Bury. Thank you, Gaz. Paul Daniels.

I remember when he came and knocked on my dressing room door at the BBC and said, come and see my set. And it took me into it. And he'd got like his, the studio was done as a nightclub because that's where he'd learned his trade. Oh, bless his heart. And introduced me to Ali Bongo. Oh, excellent.

Did you like it? You're a... Did I like Ali Bongo? Did you like it? Ali Bongo, a I like Ali Bongo? Did you like it? Ali Bongo, a bit of a magic legend. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

And his brother calls him Chemical Ali Bongo. Oh, fine. He's military. Come on. I mean, today, I'm not accusing you of name-dropping, but we've had Paul Daniels and Andy Williams in the same show. That is true. And Ali Bongo. And Jonathan Ross.

What a spread. Yeah, I like a bit of name-dropping. It's all good fun. I wasn't accusing you. I'm not ashamed of it. It's never an accusation in my book. Surely Bob Dylan resides in the ain't tree. It ain't me, babe. Bob Dylan resides in ain't tree.

I know, he's a big horse racing enthusiast. Is he? No. Okay, I'm going to do a bit more name dropping. Dennis Leary the comedian actor that's what I call him some call him actor comedian and you shared a digs

with him as my mother would say he's a great bloke and he was invited to Bob Dylan's house and went out there and he could see as he drove down the drive he could see Bob he drove down the drive he could see um bob dylan in the distance shouting at some dogs

and he was trying to gather them in these dogs he's trying to get them in the house and they wouldn't come to him and he was screaming um all that and uh the dogs wouldn't come all that and the dogs wouldn't come and then he saw Dennis and he came over and he said can you get the dogs in can you help me get the dogs the dogs won't come to me and they had to go out

and Dennis had to help him try and get the dogs in and then they went back and they composed the song Who Let The Dogs Out I don't think that was theirs. No, I think it was. They put a different name on the credit, obviously. Do you know, I love the idea of Bob Dylan. Even Bob Dylan has to bend down

to pick up his dog's bathroom break. Yeah, well, I don't know if he actually does that. He might have a person. Do you think he has an assistant? He might have a person. Bob Dylan just have a person. Do you think he has an assistant? He might have a person. Bob Dylan just leaves it there. Do you think he does? Just buys a new pair of golf boots when they become too caked.

I mean, what's the point of being a legend if you can't do that? Yeah. No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Okay. Thanks. No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. OK. 401 has asked, aren't the Maggie, is it Maggie or Magi? Yeah, the Magi. Magi.

Magi. Yeah. Wise men but not kings. Aren't they named Caspar, Balthazar and Melchior? Hence there are three. Or are the names not part of the Bible canon? That question to Frank Skinner. No, that question to Karen. She's the...

She's the now all. Are those their names? I think they are. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel. Do you think Liam used to taunt Noel with that? You would have if that had been your brother. Oh, yeah, probably. I imagine him taunting him with anything he could reach,

be it physically or intellectually. You let him have it both barrels. I wish they'd make up, especially at Christmas. They will. Oscar, they will. It's a bit de classe to fall out at Christmas. De classe, beautiful. OK, thank you.

That's where I took her, with Madame Sosostris, the famous Clevoyant. What else from the past? George Minister, one of your friends, Frank. Really? I am old enough to remember the toothpaste ad. Sorry, the emphasis was all incorrect there. I want to do that again.

I am old enough to remember the toothpaste ad, you'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent. Okay. Oh, you'll wonder where the yellow went. You wouldn't get that now, would you? That's too real. They exposed the innards a lot more in those days.

I remember there used to be a toothpaste advert where it used to be a a toothpaste advert where um it used to uh a person went into a shop and was looking at toothpaste and the grocer it's actually had a caption that said mr mason grocer and he'd got like a white like almost like a lap coat on and he said can i recommend this toothpaste um uh wouldn't it wouldn't you be happy if you could reduce your plaque by blah blah blah and the customer said is that possible and he said we hope so and i thought who's we what is it you work in a shop you're mr mason grosser not mr mason dental researcher i've never known such pomposity in the midst of an advert.

Anyway, if you're watching, Mr. Mason, you won't be. I'm guessing you're no longer with us. Yeah. Oh, well. You had a good innings. Yeah. I don't know that for sure. We also had someone, I'm trying to find it,

but we had someone suggesting, well, we had a couple of things. There was someone saying they didn't understand Never Knowingly Undersoul. This was Che. I still can't get that one to make sense in my head. Frank Skinner, perhaps you could explain that while I just dig out another one. Well, I'm happy to have a try, but that clock, have you noticed, though, that Sarah, the producer, has started putting the

fez down like this so that when the bosses say that link was too long, she'll say, well, you heard me put the fez down. It wasn't my fault. Oh, is that what it is? Oh, yeah. Nobody wants to actually take any responsibility anymore for anything. Where are we going to be?

I'd like to bring your attention to a story that's been in the news this week and that is that some researchers you know often interchangeable with nerds that words these researchers have spent their time in lockdown watching 25 marvel universe movies and um and what they've come up with is that these characters are going to age badly. They're going to have a tough time in old age. OK. Things like chronic conditions. This is based on their superhero lifestyles, essentially. Yeah.

Yeah, I think it takes its toll on the body, being a superhero. I should think it takes its toll on the body, being a superhero. I should think it does. I mean, do you remember we used to mock researchers that devoted their time to shampoo instead of curing disease? Now I wonder if these are sort of peak researchers wasting their time with their... I suspect they might just be trying to put their Netflix

subscriptions through on expenses That's what it is though I think you'll find that they are on the Disney Plus Disney Plus 2 There seems to be a few that they haven't seen all the films because one of the things they said was that Iron Man will fare well in old age.

I think they've missed a fairly recent Avengers movie. I think I can say it now. Is he quite a heavy liver? I'm saying he doesn't. It's the living thing that doesn't go so well. Oh, I'm spoiled. No, but come on. That's been out.

Oh, come on. Like I care like I care. I care, but you know. Also, although I would say Iron Man, I mean, you know my feelings on these comic book people, but what I would say is if I had to hang out with any of them, it would be Iron Man. He's the one that appeals.

His superhero quality is wealth, isn't be Iron Man. He's the one that appeals. His superhero quality is wealth, isn't it? Well, that's not right. It's because I have a fear of creased clothing. You know that. Okay. And he's smooth. I would say that, well, he's Iron Man, isn't he? I would say it's more of a command

to him, perhaps in a Geordie accent. I don't think Tony Stark, the man who's inside the thing, does any ironing. He's a millionaire playboy. I mean, he's getting better all the time. Yeah. Yeah, he's one of the...

I would say, if you saw DC comics and Marvel comics as the two big rivals, obviously, then he is the sort of the reflection of Batman, who also, whose superpower is rich. So if you're very rich, you can get quite a lot of machinery and you've got time to get super fit as well. Batman, I know he doesn't fit into this because they only watch Marvel stuff,

but he, it's took a toll on him, I should think, all that swinging off buildings and things. I didn't know he got involved in that. Oh, God, he does a lot of that. And also they said that Spider-Man will suffer because he has a lot of sleepless nights fighting crime. Yeah. Well, they...

That's taking the lyric too literally. You know that? In the dead of night at the scene of a crime. You know that from the Spider-Man stuff? Spider-Man. But he does... Spider-Man.

I would say, in my memory of the comics and the films, I would say the majority of his activity is in broad daylight. Yeah. Is it?

Also, I would say that a bigger threat to Spider-Man is if he marries and his wife eats him after the marital conflict. That is something he needs to be careful of. Can I say what I think Spider-Man has to watch in old age? No. Who was nominated or perhaps won an Oscar for Kramer versus Kramer? Was it Dustin Hoffman?

No, Dustin Hoffman. Spider-man is living in our world he's gonna have to play by our rules spider-man i suppose once you've been you've survived being bitten by a radioactive spider you can get overconfident you know what i mean you can think-Man, what I would say to you, Frank, is that his issue is going to be related to wearing he's committed to an outfit which I'm afraid is going to be quite unforgiving in later years. Oh yeah, like football

fans. Yeah. The fabric has not been thought through. It is not a long-time friend to him. Oh, no. I mean, well, Bill Shatner just got a corset. Simple as that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I've come bearing

a text message from 102 who says a quick calculation tells me Frank has said the top of the hour bit over one and a half thousand times and still can't remember it maybe this should be frank's new year resolution yes it's um yeah that would be quite good to learn it i have tried doing it for various reasons tried doing it off the top of my head. Part of the problem, though, is you'll go through all the trouble of learning it,

and then, you know, next year, there will be another method of communication. You'll be saying messages on Wigwam or, you know... Yeah, or, you know, the KGB will have seized the internet from us and there will be no addresses. Might get away with texting if we're lucky. 532, just to pass on, has got in touch to say, I can't let today's show pass.

Fortunately, they go on. Yeah. Without commenting on Frank's reading of Michael on Wednesday night's Sky Arts programme. Wow, I cried my heart out. That is all. Yes, so did I, I have to say. Yeah, I'm doing a documentary with Denise Minor.

Very good reviews. About Wordsworth. Yeah, I did a bad thing this week because I had to send my COVID test results to Emily and the producer and I lay the little plastic thing on top of a five-star review that I had in the Times.

I noticed it. As background. Yeah. Yeah, that was a bit naughty. Nevertheless, yeah, so I read a poem called Michael, which always makes me cry, basically, and I cried. And also this week,

my brother-in-law Jack was on Desert Island Discs last Sunday. Oh, I must hear that. Jack Thorne. I advise you to check it out. It was a brilliant Desert Island Disc, but he cried as well. So the whole family's blarting all over the place. It's not big news anymore. the whole family's blarting all over the place. It's not big news anymore.

There's so much blarting on the telly. I mean, you can imagine it's a strictly final tonight. Imagine the tears. Oh, is it tonight? Yeah, whereas when I... Is Johannes still in it, Frank? Oh, yeah. Oh, well, then there'll definitely be tears.

There's only two couples in the final. Oh, yeah. Because poor old AJ has got a bad foot. Oh, well, then there'll definitely be tears. There's only two couples in the final. Oh, yeah. Because poor old AJ has got a bad foot. Oh, dear. So I remember, so we both cried this week, coincidentally, in various forms of the media. And I remember when Mylene Klass cried on my chat show. It was like headline news.

Really? And now there's people crying all over. Well, as we know, there's one show which is based around the premise. I mean, it's a prerequisite. You have to sign a contract, I believe, that you will cry and you go on. We know which one that is.

Is that Piers Morgan's Thingy Life? Piers Morgan's Thingy Life? I can't remember. Is that like Thingy Frederick Handel? I can't remember what it's called. It's called Piers Morgan's life stories. Thingy. P-M-S.

Okay. I missed out the S. I know, but I missed that a bit out. National treasure? Will he be the last person to be called a national treasure in the public eye if there was a list maybe maybe not when when my link last cried i remember i called for um tissues and and one of the sort of production team brought on tissues and put them about six foot away from the sofa i was on and i said in the midst of this emotional moment they're no good there are they um with with an expletive as well

in there um so that was that dragged it all down but anyway yeah a lot of tears about but thanks for that it was it was genuine from the heart stuff as was um jack thorns listen honestly it's a great desert island discs um it'll get you right there um on this um thing about marvel heroes getting aches and pains and illnesses i um i saw um and illnesses. I saw Spider-Man No Way Home this week. And there's a bit in that where... What about the night bus? I don't think this is a spoiler.

It's got a bit of a back issue. And let's say a fellow crime fighter, to avoid spiders, spoilers, does that thing, you know when you sort of fold your arms angel-like and then someone gets behind you and really squeezes you and your back goes... Is that a real thing and does it work?

Because it works for Spider-Man perfectly in the film. What do you mean? It looks a bit like the Heimlich, but it makes your back crack. Yeah. Oh. Well, I'll tell you the closest... You ever done it, Al? Yeah, I've had a go at all of it.

Does it work? Extraordinary. I think it feels a release, but I think it's also what chiropractors do, isn't it, in a sense? It's basically like an adjustment. I don't know if it's good or bad or indifferent. I'm not saying don't do it this Christmas. I'm just wondering if it's real.

It's like in football, if somebody dislocated a shoulder, you'd see a bloke come on in a flat cap with a bucket and a sponge and he'd just get his arm and just swing it around until it went back into the socket. And similarly in Madonna's film Truth or Dare In Bed With Madonna called Regional Variations

Applied, the title. But you would see her, that was part of her pre-gig ritual, was that she would have someone swivelling her neck essentially and clicking it back into place. You would hear the crack. I believe Mel Gibson's character in Lethal Weapon also dislocated his shoulder, but that was fiction.

That's not the story. Yeah, I would have thought Madonna... If you imagine how Madonna's staff feel about her, I wouldn't let them anywhere near a neck-breaking situation. The temptation to just snap it like a carrot must have been heavy in the air. That's a good point, actually. I wonder if dictators ever get a wet shave

when they're at the box office. No, exactly. You've got to be careful, I have to say. Can I ask a question? I don't know why this suddenly occurred to me. Do I have to... Should I leave my postman? Do I have to give him some money

um because it's christmas is he a regular postman oh he's one of my regulars yeah we have conversations and all sorts how does one deal with this 8 12 15 well i don't want to say yes in case my postman is listening would you give your postman money? I did last year, but I think that's because she battled on through COVID and all that. I just don't want to put in cash in an envelope. It's all a bit... Oh, I don't do the envelope. What does one do? I do that thing like when you used to work cash in hand,

when you walk up and sort of put it in their pocket and look in the other direction, all sort of surreptitious. I always make good fellas. Oh, yeah, I love that. Some are good fellas. I like a bit of that by the way when we went i took my son i was nine to see um spider-man no way home and at the end of it i said what did you think he said that's never happened to me before and i said what happened he

said i i cried i cried at the sandpit and that's the first time he's cried at a film. It's quite a moment. Mile in class and then buzz. Do you remember? It's been a very teary week in our family. You in the virgin tears, Frank. Yeah, I am. Can you remember the first film you cried at? I think I can. I can, very definitely. Go on.

Mine was The Outsiders, which was a film that starred all the original sort of Brat Pack actors. First time I ever saw Tom Cruise, pre his teeth being fixed. Anyway, based on the S.E. Hinton novel for youths. Wonderful film. I don't want to do a spoiler alert, but I'm afraid... Oh, it makes me cry thinking about it. Oh, I haven't seen it. Well, I'm not going to ruin it, but there's a line where someone says, Stay gold, pony boy. I'm actually welling up thinking of it. Stay cry thinking about it. Oh, I haven't seen it. Well, I'm not going to ruin it, but there's a line where someone says,

stay gold, pony boy. I'm actually welling up thinking of you. Stay gold, pony boy. Oh, it's making me cry. Oh, I've got tears in my eyes. Doesn't Hagrid say that to one of the centaurs in the Deathly Hallows? I'm just saying it's in a hospital, OK?

I get it. My eyes. My eyes. My eyes! When was the first time you cried, Frank Skinner? Mine was Love Me Tender, Elvis Presley. He dies and his ghost appears at the graveside singing Love Me Tender. Now I'm actually crying.

Yes, it was awful. I think the first time I cried at the film was when I had to pay my own ticket. The first time I cried at the film was when I had to pay my own ticket. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Every now and again we get a text that I don't think is meant for the radio show. I think it's a text between friends or perhaps a married couple or something. OK. And one has just come in. Frank sometimes texts Kath by mistake.

124 has just texted, OK, just going to clean rabbits, kiss, kiss. I don't think that's for us. No, I don't think that's for us. But I'm glad that they're being cleaned. I was fed, when I had rabbit, I had a rabbit and I was... So did I. You can, just to give you a sense...

Of the ladies out there. Yes, I decided to keep going. Me too. Yeah. Please, let me off the hook. Let me off the embarrassment hook. Yeah, I had a rabbit called a chubby checker, which gives you a sense of where that might have been.

And, you know and I didn't clean him often enough he looked like a snooker table he didn't get the mix of methamphetamine we've also had an answer for Emily about tipping the postman

161 has texted it sounds a bit nefarious when you put it like that 161 I'm a postman and it's lovely to receive a tip. You tip a waiter or bellboy for a one-off service. True. Postmen and women deliver every day, come rain or shine. A few kind words in a card

goes a long way. Does it? Okay. Oh, that's all they want. A few kind words. Well, that's exactly what I was going to go. Also, I've got to pick you up on a couple of points. I don't tip a waiter or a bellboy for a one-off service. I think we're all aware of that. Be careful what you assume there, 161. I don't know if a bellboy, if I saw one.

Aren't they just in, like, 1950s American movies? I was going to say, I don't tip a bellboy because I don't live in a Billy Wilder comedy. Yeah, exactly. I don't share a house with Cinderella. Bellboy? I've never heard such talk. a really wilder comedy. Yeah, exactly. I don't share a house with Cinderella. Bell boy. I've never heard such talk. Well, I have,

but not for 40 years. The last time I heard such talk was Elvis. Oh, yeah. Ranting about... What was he ranting? Freaks. Carry your luggage.

Hanging around working. Yeah. Yeah, it was one of his stranger moments, but Elvis's strangeness is in some ways even better than his talent. I love that he had

the strange moments. And I've got my eye on an Elvis cape, like the black one he wore for his meeting with Richard Nixon. We'll get on to that another time.

Can I say, by the way, that when I went to see the new Spider-Man movie, outside the cinema, you know that old-fashioned thing where you can put letters? There's like a white awning, and you can put letters on to say the name of the film. You know that thing?

It's like those things people have on their fridge, fridge poetry. And they'd written on it, not on the web, on the cinema. Oh. And I thought it's a lot of effort for another old web pun, isn't it? But good on them. Also the web, I mean, come on. Yes. Can I talk to you about, it's that time actually where i want to discuss the christmas meal

now i think i know which one this is going to be there's a high profile christmas meal been in all the papers you've got it if you're thinking of the one i'm thinking of it's the school in west sussex they've been lambasted by parents not based-lambasting? I knew he couldn't resist. Beautiful. After serving up this school, I'm going to go grim. It was Brothers Grimm this Christmas dinner, wasn't it? The students uploaded the photos online, revealing the meal, which, I mean, they, it was a sorry affair. It was excessively dry, the bap.

I tell you what, as the fez is at the table, let's make this a sparse Christmas meal cliffhanger and we'll come back to what it actually can tell. So far, we've got a white, unbottled bap. OK, that's the first component. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

We gave our two postmen some chocolates and a card, mainly to make us feel better about our dog barking every time they come to our door. But that's a tradition, isn't it? You've got to have that. I mean, I don't know if Nick Saunders lives on a street in the Beano. It sounds so sort of tradcore, all of this. I went to a fun fair this week

with Boz and his friend of a similar age. And his friend said to me, I think that those cans that you have to knock over he said I haven't seen any of the bottom row knocked over I think they might be glued to the thing wow and I thought well I should hope so it's a fair unless they're breaking some long tradition but he became very alarmed by it and couldn't take his eye. He kept watching, waiting to see if any of the lower things went over. And I think sometimes you just accept dogs fight post people and you're not going to knock those cans over most of the time.

There must be one stack or go. I sort of accept that. I think it's tradition. Anyway, sorry, we've got a white dry bap. We've got a white, allegedly a bap. I mean, what did it look like? Two bits of old sponge. Well.

No butter. Or much. Within it, there was a slither of turkey. I would say the turkey turkey I would describe it, do you remember when Lady Sov was in the Big Brother house I do and she used a unit of measurement Frank do you remember what that unit of measurement was

oh now that do you want me to remind you I've never forgotten it do you remember it Al was it soup song no she said how much do you want sort of a cat's paw Go on. I've never forgotten it. Do you remember it, Al? Was it soup song? No. She said, how much do you want? And she said, sort of a cat's paw.

Oh, yes. A cat's paws worth. A cat's paws. Was that a measure of drink? It was a measure of drink. She wanted a cat's paws worth. And I thought, Frank, really appeal to you that she'd sort of come up with this unique measuring system.

So if we're going to stay within the animal family, I would describe the turkey as a sort of squirrel's cape. Yeah. up with this unique measuring system so if we're going to stay within the animal family i would describe the turkey as a sort of squirrel's cape yeah but a squirrel's cape i thought i actually thought that i loved the idea of a squirrel's cape okay the trouble is with the squirrel's cape it wouldn't hang very easy because of the tail you're absolutely right perhaps another animal i will accept no but I like a squirrel's cape. It's the right size. So do I. I mean, we could go, we could meet in the

middle, perhaps. Ferrets? Hamster? Waistcoat? I think a ferret's cape would have to be a bit longer. Very long in the trunk. I think given that it's a foodstuff, hamster is probably confusing. Yeah, that is. Gerbil's cape too fast anyway it was

i thought it was a reasonable slice of turkey personally did you and i thought quite a i thought a generous hunk of stuffing and what about pig in a blanket well one pig in singular problematic um i was i was from a distance it looked a bit like a nativity scene with the baby Jesus in front of a bale of hay. He was

wrapped in a lovely blanket. Now, well the parents. No sign of the nine magi.

Where were Caspar, Melchior and Malthus are? Yeah. As I used to say regularly in my youth

at my parties. Was that your fellow god children or whatever it was, can't remember Yeah, so it was I didn't think it was that, but the big argument was it was £3.50 Yeah I think that's

A real deal I think that's reasonable, £3.50 Well my son told me that at his school, the Christmas dinner is free. Wow. Good old Marcus Rashford. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Lisa Binney. Oh, yeah. This is why I love our... Lisa! Well, this is why I love our readers, for this and so many other reasons. The fact that she knows this.

Lisa Binney has pointed out, we were talking about Lady Sov and the unit of measurement she referred to, which was, frankly... The cat's paw. The cat's paw. And Lisa Binney has pointed out, Lady Sov had actually stolen a cat's paw,

close quotes, of mashed potato. Oh, had she? So I think there was a debate going on in the Big Brother house. It was only a cat's paw. Yeah, fair enough. More often served in a dollop, isn't it? Mashed potato.

You know those fabulous they look a bit like the thing that Atlas is holding up outside the Rockefeller Center in New York. It was a scoop and then a sort of a silver bar would slide across it, releasing the mashed potato from its little cave. Lovely. from its little cave. Lovely. We were talking earlier about the school dinner at the school in West Sausage,

which parents were so incensed by. I mean, some of the comments, one parent said it was like something out of Oliver Twist. Got a bit of breaking news on that, actually. The school, they've acted swiftly and banned camera phones. That's what they're doing for Oliver of them. They should have done that. Improving the dinner. They also,

someone else said, my dog eats better for half the price. Yeah, I don't believe that. I find dog food quite expensive. Send me the details, mate, because it's a rip-off, isn't it? Whose dog doesn't? I was eating fish fingers last night. My dog had lamb tureen. Wow.

This is the modern world for dogs. Wow. One of the problems is that the schools are kind of normal schools because a posh school could style it out, couldn't they? They could just say, like, it's a suggestion of turkey lounging on a soup son of bread with a hint of pig in blanket. That's what they could do. You're right.

It's a fine dining menu. At the risk of sounding like an old bag, that ship sailed many years ago, I hear you say. Great, great prefix. At the risk, at the certain risk of sounding like an old bag, I can remember, yes, I'm going there. I mean, the idea of me as a child coming home and saying to my parents, I didn't like the food I was served, and them taking me remotely seriously was laughable.

My mother would have said, you're a child, you get what you're given. Yeah. Well, Amit, I think there's been some progress, but I know what you mean. Oh, that's a shame. I think that one of the teachers said that they had prepared nice food, but the dog ran off with it. It's the first time in history a teacher has said to a pupil, aren't you

chewing? Oh, come on. And the next one. We did, though. Let's be honest. Did you see that one where one of the parents said that the school should hang their heads in shame? And the head said, no, we're not having that. You can't. Corporal punishment.

Capital punishment is done. Can I just say, though, guys, they said it's like something out of Oliver Twist. We were regularly given semolina, lumpy custard. I mean, what do these children want? Salt bae steaks with gold leaf? I love,

school dinners was much better than what I got at home. I love school dinners when I was at school. It's great. And I did get them free like Marcus Rashford.

Yeah. The trouble is with Marcus Rashford, I think him and Jamie Oliver have gone a bit like Bob Geldof and Bonner. They're sort of treading on each other's toes and the whole

system's collapsed. I mean, it was a bit... It didn't look like the best school dinner, but you know, you're at school, what do you want, San Lorenzo? Come on. You tell them. Al's got that free school dinner stinging because I mentioned he went to drama school. What a lovely Christmassy note

to end it on, boys. So, look. Oh, yeah, I've got some stuff. By the way, I'm wearing a jumper knitted by Judith, which is the mother of the producer, Sarah. And it's very nice. I haven't had a hand-knitted jumper since I was at school. And it feels all like I've had it for years,

cosy and lovely, and it looks great. In fact, we've got a photo. We're sticking up. She's done a great job. God bless you, Judy. Thank you for that. You're on the Smeeds. What's that?

The social needs. Oh, sorry. Yeah. The Smeeds. I didn't know they were called that. They're not. Such an education, this thing. I don't know if they are, but anyway.

Next week, we won't be live, and I know normally when we're not live on Christmas, it's Christmas Day, actually, next week. Normally, it's a Greatest Hits. But this Christmas Day, there is a Greatest Hits, but only in podcast form, not being broadcast on Absolute Radio. I know what you're thinking. As Churchill said, this may not be the beginning of the end,

but it could be the end of the beginning. Then on New Year's Day, there will be the second half of our Best Of, and that will be on Absolute Radio and all the Decade stations, and that's New Year's Day, as I say. And then there'll be a podcast for that. Does that make sense?

So next week, we're in podcast form only. And the week after that, we're broadcast and podcast, our greatest hits. And it's not one of those, you know, volume two of greatest hits you get with albums and stuff. They're really scratching together the sort of school Christmas dinner of Christmas hits. There's a bit of this and a bit of...

We balance them so they're both beautifully fabulous. Yeah. They're great. I think Al said they're the best two shows of the year.

Oh. Because they're the best bits. Full of best bits. Yeah. I think we come to the end. By the way, we also won

something for being... I don't really understand what it is, but we're one of the Amazon best podcasts of the year, voted for by listeners. So thank you for voting for us. That's it for 2021 as far as live is concerned on this show.

Thank you so much for being with us this year. I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas and get to spend times with your loved ones and in some cases your family. And

you know what? It's a good Lord Spares us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next three weeks.

Yeah. Then. Thanks so much. Now get out!