The Frank Skinner Show - Campervan Gough

Episode Date: April 11, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! Frank has a new hair washing routine and has become more community based. The team also discuss the pensioner who turned down a Van Gough painting and the Dalek spreading public health warnings.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live. I know we sound live, but we aren't, so do not text the show. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email us via the absolute radio website just like the old days hello hi hello i can't see um alan or emily and they can't see me or each other so um we're reaching our individual uh lock-ins but um it's uh it's still lovely to hear your warm voices i thought you were going to ask us what we were wearing then.

No, no, no, I don't care. At the risk of sounding creepy I would quite like to know what you're wearing, Frank and Alan. Well, OK then. I'm wearing a very tattered pair of shorts in a camouflage pattern and I'm wearing a white T-shirt that has images of the 10th, 11th and 12th Doctor

from Doctor Who on them. Thanks for asking. I've got on exactly the same. Have you? That is. What's the chances? What are the chances? What are the chances? I mean, the same one to the T- chances? What are the chances? What are the chances? Harry, get out.

What are the chances? Harry, you all right? What are the chances? Harry. Harry's frothing at the... Is that a medical bag? Oh, it's his. Sorry, sorry, Al.

What are you really wearing? I, too, am wearing some shorts. I have some almost like little pop socks, ankle socks on because it was cold down in my cellar when I came down here. Oh, it was cold in the cellar. And no one's denying that. And at the risk of fashion victim status, I also popped on a fleece as I came down here.

Don't cry, you're not at any risk of that. It's like working with a television engineer. Does it say something like birds of a feather on the breast? It's often, I find... Phantom 96. I find it's often the Vicar of Dibley, I find, with these crew hoodies. Well, so both of you have cracked out the shorts quite early.

Oh, yeah. Al, look, I've got... I've been around a long time. I've had my career. So I'll ask Emily what she's wearing. It's been nice working with you. I don't want to give you a hospital pass on this one. It gives me no pleasure to say this, but I do think I'm out of the danger zone. But anyway, I'm wearing a fuchsia cropped hoodie.

I wasn't expecting that. Well, my problem is now I can't picture fuchsia. What is that? It's a very shocking pink. And it was given to me by my goddaughter. And there's also, it was given to me,

it was a matching set and there was a miniature one for my dog, Raymond. That's nice. That is something. It's a good job that they focused on you, though, and made him the secondary consideration. Otherwise, you could be saying, I'm just wearing a studded collar at the moment.

I think we all know who's wearing that, Frank. Yeah, well, exactly. But, you know, I've got to keep this laptop upright. I wear it on a sort of a neck band so I can have it at my waist. Who was that? Do you remember that band? I can't remember what they sang. No. Was it M people or something? And there was a bloke who had a keyboard around his shoulders. Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought. Did Howard Jones have one of those? bloke who had a keyboard around his shoulders do you remember oh yes oh i thought did howard jones have one of those surely at some point in the mental chains days he must have had one of those

did i tell you my when my uh son was a mascot at tottenham hotspur i know he um he's choice they had a little interview with each of the mascots in the program and they asked him the famous person you'd most like to meet and he said Howard Jones. Aww. Obscure. I mean, respect. That hasn't happened for a while. He loves the music. Simple as that. Simple as that. Did you guys watch

The Queen, by the way? I watched it on BBC iPlayer. Wow. I was in bits. Did you watch it? Yeah, loved it. I saw before they did it, they had an interview on the new BBC News

with Nicholas Whitchell, the royal correspondent. Who he's famous for, Frank. Does he believe in the Loch Ness Monster? Who was that guy? Well, no, Nicholas Ritchell. I think he's the one that Prince Charles was a little unkind about. I don't think we can say exactly what Prince Charles said, can we? No.

I don't think we can say the B word. No. He's like that. He hates him, apparently, Prince Charles. Anyway, now, after that sidetrack, you've turned this into a Nicholas Whitchell cliffhanger. But let's just enjoy it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, anyway, as I was saying, Nicholas Whitchell, the woman who was interviewing him said, so it's quite unusual this the Queen doing a talk to the public, not at Christmas. And Nicholas Whittle said, a rare moment indeed. And I thought, you can't, you haven't got another voice, have you? That is your voice, your royal correspondent, the one you use for the funerals and everything. That's you. And he started saying all that stuff.

Yes, she is, of course, our head of state. And I thought, Nicholas, this woman's trying to interview you and you're talking like she's opened up some old BBC archive. I did think of him, you know, the old thing of him getting home and the wife saying, how was it today? It was a grand occasion. The crowd,

oh, Nicholas, shut up. Get on my nerves. Do you think it extends to his entire domestic life? Oh, I bet it does. Like the Nando's has been placed on the table. I think he used to have another,

I think he had another voice once and it's just gone. If there's one thing, if someone offered me the job of royal correspondent, I'd tell them to stick it. That's not a job you want. Yeah, awful job. You've got other irons in the fire. That'll be disappointing news for all those people lining up to offer you that job. Can you imagine if Frank Allen was the royal correspondent?

Oh, man. It'd be a strange turn of events, but I wouldn't rule anything out in these times. I've got a bit of previous with the royals. I've got a right to have. Also, Al being slightly gittish as well. I would enjoy that enormously. Yeah, I actually, I got on.

Do you remember when I met Prince Charles I told you about this I met him a couple of times But I met him actually at his house And he told me that he'd been looking at He got his own YouTube page He told me This story makes me cringe

Yes it's painful He said He said I've been looking at some of the comments and I actually held his arm. I mean, I could have been taken down by the men with the curly wire coming from behind their ears. But I said, I said, you really mustn't listen, read the comment. You must not read the comments on there. And actually said i've i know i've told this story before but i actually said i beseech you and i think that was because he was a prince and

it sort of seemed the sort of thing one said in costume dramas you went to the michellian nicholas witchell but can you imagine the comments on Prince Charles's YouTube page? Oh, I mean, it's only going to break his heart. Yeah. What did he say in response, Frank? I can't remember. Did he reply? And he said, oh, he said, my assistant goes through them first.

And I thought, well, that's all right then. I mean, I remember on the night of our Queen of Hearts funeral, going down to Buckingham Palace after, when there was walls of dedications, flowers and stuff outside, and there was one very badly written note that said, Charles, you lost the best thing you ever had! Exclamation mark. So that was just a little inkling of the amount of

hate out there. Not so much a tribute as hate mail actually. Yeah that is. I think you'd have had a cuddly tie with it as well. Of course it did. With a pin through the head. Did I say cuddly tie? I meant voodoo charm.

Yes. I like the Queen's brooch. She loves a brooch. And you don't often see brooches in this modern era. Did it have a code? Because sometimes the newspapers interpret her brooches to mean stuff, like she disapproves of leaving the EU or she's approving of whatever it is.

Was there any kind of code theory to her brooch and dress choice this time? I think that it said vote Labour. So I found our Keith the other day. Oh, how's he doing in isolation? He's a bit, he's had, I think his freezer and his fridge have broken down, which is bad news. So he's drinking quite a lot of warm beer.

And he was talking to me about, you know, the various restrictions and all that. He's very, he's a man who just puts one foot in front of the other keith and carries on um and um he said to me uh he said i that i never liked uh i never liked the hand shaking thing he said that's a that's a birmingham thing i said is it he said yeah they don't do that in the black country he said um sonny i've ever i've ever seen brummies used to come in and they'd do it you know you had to join in a bit i thought well this is a i should point out for people who

are not aware of this the black country is an area sort of northwest of birmingham called so because of the industrial soot which used to cover it. And there's a bit of a rivalry between the black country where I come from, my brother comes from, and Birmingham. And at first I thought it was a ludicrous suggestion. And then the more I thought about it, I realised that I don't think I shook anyone's hand until I was about 14 or 15. And I don't think it was around in the black country. So if people had followed our lead, we could be in a much better position

than we are at the moment health-wise. That's all I'm saying. Well, I've never been a fan of a handshake. I've always resisted the handshake. And that's why I've always gone for the hug straight in for the hug. You think that's better? Yes, I do. I just I don't like touching hands.

Well, it's am I right in saying that the handshake is a man's thing? Mainly. I think so. I think so. I think it's a bit of a show of strength I once saw Chris Eubank shake the hand of Jeff Goldblum and actually get him down yeah

such a weird story the reason I it's already a weird story so it's very nice to meet you Jeff Goldblum while it's great to meet you, the Goblin. Well, it's great

to meet you. And he squeezed, and I knew what Chris Eubank done because he did it to me once. He takes your hand in a really vice-like grip and really it hurts. And he

did it to Jeff Goldblum and Jeff Goldblum went down on one knee. Good lad. In pain. An early civil partnership there. Exactly. Yeah, he couldn't resist it, Chris Eubank. He couldn't resist inflicting the pain.

I wonder how he's coping in the lockdown, Frank Eubank. I imagine that it will be. Sorry, carry on. Well, he just strikes me as someone who's, you know, he's quite thirsty. I think. For the attention, isn't he? I think it'll be like Cape Fear, won't it? He'll come out with all sorts of strange tattoos of communist leaders and put his thumb in some young girl's mouth.

I don't know if you've seen Cape Fear. That wasn't a random suggestion. It's a scene from the movie. Not now, commode. I picture him today, Frank, wearing nothing but choppers, chopping wood. Oh, yeah. Wow, chopping wood. What about yeah. Wow, chopping wood. What about the monocle in case there's any splinters?

I'll risk one eye, but certainly not both. So have we heard from that which we used to describe as the outside world? We were talking about elephants, drunk elephants. Do you remember last week? Oh, I do, of course, yeah. On corn wine. Yeah, they'd got strung out on corn wine. Strung out.

And some of our readers have been in touch, including Liz at Freaky Tea, who gives you a little insight into her life did did anyone answer my texting question what do elephants know oh i think we have a conclusion answer to that that's a bit but um i'll continue my quest liz says the nearest relative to the elephant because to be fair you did also ask that question Frank Yes, I mooted the hippopotamus and the tapir

I believe as possible relatives of the elephant Well Freaky T says the nearest relative, he's a very trustworthy source, to the elephant is a rock hyrax, a small furry African mammal. But other close relatives, and she's put relatives in little quote marks, which I like, to the elephant, include manatees and dugongs. Wow.

I mean, they're an obscure family. The elephants have dominated that family. They've got the best PR. If ever as a result of all the things that's going on now, I have to work in the adult film industry, Rock Hyrax is going to be my name. Yeah. It's cracking, isn't it?

Okay. name yeah yeah it's that it's cracking isn't it okay but alex from cambridge says uh other members now extinct are the mammoths and the mastodons the closest living relatives to elephants careful everyone are our manatees and hyraxes that's correct and hippos and tapirs are more distantly related. Oh, so they are. I got them in the, they're in the Venn diagram. Yeah, they drink in the same bar. For elegantly avoiding the Latin that he used in his email there. Wow. Is it proboscidia? Proboscidia.

Is it proboscidia? And I know that for reasons that will become clear soon. Oh, really? Yes. Okay. Because it's nose-based, isn't it? Yes. And it's a hard C, obviously.

Thank you. Well, I remember Lord Nelson saying that to me once. Arrogant. Very arrogant man. I mean, worshipped. Very arrogant. Lord Nelson saying that to me once. Arrogant. Very arrogant man. I mean, worshipped. Very arrogant. I mean, many people have mentioned manatees.

I don't even think I can picture a manatee. And that's not a manatee. Very fine. No, I mean it. I don't know what the animal manatee is. It's been a long time since I've had a manatee. Oh, man. I studied this in you manatees. Oh, God.

So I think that's it. Let me just check. No, that's it. That is the full textbook manatee joke roster that's been covered. We haven't even got onto oh we've already done a Rock Hyrax I think we've

socked all the goodness out of those responses can I say that I went onto the BBC Sport app this week which offered every day offers five things to do in one place which of course is very good at the moment

and it offers you little tips and competitions, quizzes There's five things to do in one place, which, of course, is very good at the moment. And it offers you little tips and competitions, quizzes and stuff like that. It's a lovely idea. And the thing that caught my eye, which I didn't actually click on it, but it was this. There was one entitled, Do you know more about James Bond than Darren Bent. I mean, I'll never know, but it intrigued me. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what I've realised during this incarceration that we're all experiencing. I say all, some people are utterly ignoring it, of course, but let's not go into that. Not many, I don't think. Some? Yeah, some. There's always some. I mean, that's just the world. I've always washed my hair every other day.

Oh, have you? Yes. And now I've gone to washing my hair twice a week. And you know what? There is no noticeable difference in my hair. Not to you. I'm thinking. No, it all seems...

I think, looking back, I've been a damned fool when it comes to hair washing. I think I've over-washed. Are you worrying about how much money you've spent unnecessarily on shampoo all those years? Well, it's all very well when you're in a hotel. But I really, I go so heavily on the products in a hotel. But yes, I think I have. And I wonder if I've turned my hair to some sort of straw by over washing.

I think we'll learn a lot of lessons during this incarceration. It's meant to be much better for your hair, isn't it? To leave it, you should let the natural oils, that's the thing, because you're stripping them of their natural oils, aren't you? That's right. Didn't Sting say he washed his hair about once every six months? He hasn't washed in years. Yeah, I mean

and he looks lovely. He does. Those friendship bracelets will be grubby. That's what worries me. He wants to watch them around those candles. I imagine he's got a short on at the moment. I always see Sting in a pair of shorts.

Do you think Sting is in the UK or do you think he's in LA or something like that? Wherever he is, he'll be cross-legged with a guitar. Oh, definitely. And he could be naked, actually. He's that kind of a bloke, isn't he? Oh, he likes the tantrics. If he's not got an overlooked garden i don't see why he shouldn't be well exactly oh you know what i i'm not really

a gambling man but i'd put let's say eight pounds on the fact that sting has not got an overlooked garden yeah but i mean i do that's the reason i do have an overlooked garden and that's why I've got my shorts on I don't mind telling you it's nice because things like a letter came to the letterbox today for next door

you know it can happen I'm not blaming the post office but I just went and put it on their garden wall and shouted and said there's a letter for you it's a lovely simple method I'm getting more communal when we do the applause thing

the applause for the NHS that feels very community based oh I love that I've organised a two minute boo and cat call It's very community based. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I've organised a two minute boo and cat call for people who are not observing the government guidelines. That's nice. I like encouragement, but I think discouragement is at least equally powerful. If not more so. We were talking about the postal service frank and i would like to flag

up something that the beginning of this before we started recording i'm not going to use the word smug but you and alan were both um talking about your foam and i didn't know what you meant that you'd been sent for your microphones i don't yes any such foam we've got a little um little sock i think it's I think it's a pop sock or a popper is it? Did you? Is it called a pop sock? Surely it's those things that Japanese teenagers wear

People will know what we mean You put it over a microphone and it's foam and it stops that pop pop pop which I would do if I wasn't wearing my foam thing Well why come I didn't get one? That's wrong. This is how you find out.

I would. I mean, it took me an hour and 20 minutes to get it on. You know, being a Catholic. I am a Catholic. I have, you know, it's so alien to me, the whole thing. But yeah, I'm sure we can get you one, Em. Oh, cut off an old one of tights. Never mind.

And it's great if you want to do an impression of Pluto for the local kids. I mean, the dog rather than the planet. It's perfect for that. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We are not live, so do not text the show!

But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram. Or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. Please do that, by the way. I know we're not live, but it's great to read the stuff and then we'll talk about it through the next show we do. What we don't want to do, in particular, is lose that two-way thing that's always

been a brilliant aspect of this show and part of it, which I love a great deal. So stay in touch, you readers. We need you. Sorry. Alan. I like the keep in touch, you readers. We need you. Sorry, Alan. I like the keep in touch. You implore, you beseech them, don't you? I really, yeah, but I mean that.

I mean that. Can you think of how many, we have had so many brilliant, if you was to take the texts that we've had over the years, there's so much richness and invention and information. So yeah, I don't want to lose that.

Okay. And also, I think it's fair to say that the tabloids aren't as full of funny stories as they used to be. I feel somewhat sorry for paparazzi who now can only photograph people when they're jogging. That's really all they've got now. I don't know if he's ever said that. Also, you need a really long red carpet if the paparazzi have got to stay two metres apart from each other.

But celebrities used to do other things except for coming out of their house to jog. And now that's the only thing they can do. And they've got the masks on now as well. Surely they've still got the scope for reality stars in scanty underwear, empty in the bins. That is a light motif in the tabloids I've seen many a time. Well, what about the reality stars that, you know, when they set up their own

pictures and then say, oh no, I've been caught, and actually they arrange for the photographs to be taken. Those ones are in trouble as well. You've got to feel for them. I must have told you that I was a well-known red top, got in touch with me.

This was in my glory days and said, we'll pay for you and your girlfriend to go to the Caribbean for a seven-day beach holiday. But you'll have to let us photograph you on the beach and look like you don't know about it. And if you do that, we'll cover the costs. So it's a handy. I didn't do it.

I mean, God, I haven't sunk that low. No. She was furious looking back. This is a different girlfriend. Absolutely furious that I looked a gift horse in the mouth. No, Kath wouldn't have gone. Doesn't like planes, doesn't like sunshine, doesn't like publicity. Doesn't like me.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, can we lose that last? Oh, we can't. Well, we can, but we're not going to. Sorry, Al, I jumped in. I have a non-celebrity jogging news story to bring to your attention. A pensioner turned down the offer of a Van Gogh painting,

not knowing. Oh, yes. I'm not saying Van Gogh. I think that is how people say it. Obviously, for many years I said Van Gogh. I think Americans say Van Gogh, don't they? I think they do. It's not a Descartes moment, though.

No, no, it's fine. I have had that. But, yeah, they were asked what they wanted from a Staffordshire farmhouse before it went up for sale. She knew the person and asked for this dirty, uncared for looking picture. She says in the thing it looked old, very dirty and uncared for, which coincidentally is exactly my lockdown vibe. That's how I'm looking right now. Oh, and my next autobiography, actually, Al. Thanks for that title.

She was persuaded it wasn't worth having. It would be my Twitter handle if I had it. And instead, she took a brass handbell, which is now worth a pound, and later found out that it was sold for an estimated £12 to £13 million. Yes, there's so many things in this. For a start off, when it said, the headline says something like, pensioner turns down £13 million Van Gogh painting for £1 handbell.

Does that mean that she actually got the handbell valued? What kind of a predatory opportunist is this old girl? Wow, I thought that was pretty. I have more questions about this. I've got so much to talk about Gail Horrell, pensioner. I don't know where to begin. But first, some of this. Oh, I've got so much to talk about Gail Horrell, pensioner. I don't know where to begin. But first, some of this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

One of the things I liked about the story of the pensioner and the Van Gogh painting was the title of the painting, which is Peasant Woman in Front of Farmhouse, which sounded to me like a really, really bad guess on catchphrase. Yeah. Say what you see.

Yeah, I know I said say what you see, but that's terrible. It's good, but it's not right. It sounds so much more romantic in French. Paisons devant un chamois. Now, that's nicer, isn't it? Well, that's what I read anyway. No, I enjoyed that. I like the sound of this woman

because she sounded like she might be a bit of a... Gay? In the best sense of the word, a bit gittish. She's called gay, isn't she? She's called gay. Yeah. Gayle. I think her name is actually Gayle.

Is it Gayle or Gayle? Is it Gay? I think it's Gayle, G-? She's called Gay. Yeah. Gayle. I think her name is actually Gayle. Is it Gayle or Gayle? Is it Gay? I think it's Gayle, G-A-Y-E. Okay. That's what I thought. She got the painting from her in-laws when they were sort of clearing out their house, didn't she? Can I stop you there?

Sure. Because what she got, you say, what it actually says was her former in-laws. Now, I don't know if you remember, there was a time in the 90s when they had competitions for one-line novels for people to write one line. And for me, her former in-laws has got so much extra material kicking around in that yeah i mean how i want to know the relationships i want to know what went wrong yes well are they her former in-laws because of the van gogh well i think we get some insight into the nature of their their relationship when she says she sort of implies that they

that there was a sort of conspiracy she says oh dear how very naive of me of course in those days i couldn't argue with them and ended up with a brass handbell i learned my lesson the hard way there's a lot to unpack in that there is because in those days i couldn't argue with them since then since i before i became a battle axe essentially a guy could be listening we love you guy and i mean enjoy give us a ring on the hand myself but what i liked was she seemed to be implying there'd been some skullduggery, I felt. Well, my first thought was they were selling the farmhouse and they said you can have anything you like. So they needn't have done that. These former in-laws, as I like to call them, let's call them Phil.

F-I-L. Yeah. They needn't have offered gay anything at all um and also she could have she said she picked the painting and they said well you know it's not very nice they sold it for four quid it said four quid so it weren't like they're thinking oh no you're not getting the van gogh i think they were actually trying to be kind and saying don't take that horrible painting they're not profiting and also that the handbell could come in very handy during the social distancing indeed thing and also you know if you think about

the nhs applause take the handbell out there gay, go for it although I do think gay, I mean it did say Vincent on it, it was one of the few paintings he'd signed, it's hardly up there with the sort of 3, 2, 1 clues in terms of impenetrability, it's like, it's fairly

obvious, it says Vincent at least get it valued here's the thing I didn't know a fair play to vvg i didn't uh i didn't know that i didn't know that he signed it he was an early adopter in the um like famous for the first name thing he was like his generation's beyonce or can you yeah it's true no but i would have been i, obviously there's other Vincents in the world, but yeah, you would, it'd draw your attention, wouldn't it,

that on the painting? I mean, what's the chances of it being Vince Cable? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So the other thing about what I like to call the pensioner and the Van Gogh, that story, is I had a look at a picture of a guy at a kitchen table. And now regular readers will know that we three recently put pictures of ourselves recording these remote podcasts.

Well, we're not actually podcasts, they're radio shows. Get over it. And what people do, what people do, yeah, is they just look at the backgrounds and talk about what your house is like. And I had a look at I did it. I did exactly the same thing. I had a really good look at Gay, what Gay was up to.

And I am pretty convinced that she was looking at a Scion organiser. Do you remember those? If you look at the picture in the Sun newspaper, that looks to me like a piece of tech from the 1990s. Everything about her is from the past and unusual. She needs to stop living in the past. I mean, she's probably had it valued, I don't doubt. I mean, when did this happen?

Well, this happened, I was going to say that, Frank. I mean, it was a long time ago, love. When was it, 53 years ago? Was it that long? I believe so. Oh, my goodness, I didn't realise it was that long. Well, I know, I'm not saying I've got a lot of Oh, my goodness. I didn't realise it was that long. Well, I know. I'm not saying I've got a lot of time on my hands, but I do know it was passed to a gentleman called Luigi in 1967

who then went on to sell it. Did he put it up in his barber's shop? Yeah. No, I like the sound. He was an Italian who worked for the BBC, it said. Right. Okay. I don't know if it was Gino De Campo.

I don't know in a formal life. It was Luigi. It was Luigi got, I think he paid £45 and he then got £100,000 for it when he sold it. Whoa. But Luigi's not, you know, he's not made the full 13. No, exactly. I mean, it has all the making.

Oh, by the way, before I move on, when I was looking at her kitchen table and all that, I noticed she had one of those things that you see with the pensioners of the crossword that's been removed from the paper and folded into a nice so so you can make it last the week oh did it and i was slightly worried she might be looking for answers on the scion thus um thus somewhat cheating i would say on the crossword i think i i don't want to'm not sure about that. I'm not saying that's gospel, but you know, I was worried by it. What I would

say about Gay, the message I would communicate to Gay, I would like to give her is that, you know, I think it's for the best. You don't want that 13 million quid. Look what happened to the lotto lout, throwing Big Macs out of Hummers. That's not the destiny you want for yourself. Spend, spend, spend, spend.

Viv Nichols, was spend spend Viv Nichols so yeah she's probably she is probably best out of it also I would say at the end of the day it was never yours it was never there's no obligation that it

should have been yours and I think the headline probably should have been woman in same room as Van Gogh painting because this is not something that was taken away in some way, it's something she saw. The headline should have been

woman still using Scion I've seen dropping some brutal truths to gay I mean I've seen dropping some brutal truths to gay I mean I've seen the Mona Lisa I don't have any sense of ownership whatsoever So what are you

obviously I'm not seeing you guys only hearing you, what are you actually up to during lockdown? Well, I'm mainly feeling jealous of people who buy antique, like scruffy old paintings and then find that they rocket up in value to £13 million. Because I've thought about this, having read this story, and I don't think I've ever bought anything that has then gone up in value in any surprise way and actually i've had quite the reverse just recently shortly before the

lockdown i bought a camper van which which i now can't go anywhere in it's like i bought it thinking oh that'll be good fun won't it me and the family will go away and we'll camp. And now it's just like it couldn't have become more of a useless thing. I think it might be illegal for me to use it just now. Yeah, it probably is, yeah. Which is the opposite of saying, oh, yeah, I'll have that old painting and then it becoming 13 million quid's worth. Yeah, sort of a camper van goth.

Oh, lovely. young quidsworth yeah sort of a camper van goth oh lovely is there anyone who hasn't at some point in their life thought about buying a camper van so i do respect you for actually but you haven't well never ever would i ever oh i like the idea I always imagine, though, if you're in a camper van, that you park up somewhere at night and then violent youths with tin openers take the side off and take you out and do terrible things to you and your family. Well, as you know, that's what puts me off. I train martial arts exactly for that i've got very good um tin opener teenager defense that's no well i mean if they opened up the the side and you were there i can imagine that they've you know they've they've they've opened it's like those boxes where you open where there's a boxing glove on a spring

yeah but if they open up and i'm there, I mean, it's potluck. When you say campervan, I'm interested in the style because my only experience, I mean, there's what I call the boy zone bus, if you know what I mean by that. You know, those sort of touring band buses. I like those appeal to me. Yeah, I think it might be a bit better than what I'm talking. Okay, are you talking more John Pertwee collapses a caravan in eight seconds

on Nationwide in 1973? Is yours a VW? No. Oh. Most judgmental noise I've ever heard. No, it's just that I had a mental picture of it and it was wrong. Anyway, it's just a shame that I haven't got it.

No, but it'll keep it. They don't go off, do they, camper vans? That's true. And you can use it for domestic disputes, rowels. Oh, yeah. I'd go in there if I had a rowel. Sort of go and hang out in it. It's like the Sydney.

Just go and cool off. I think it might be. It's the innocuous things that have become suddenly dangerous, like a camper van. I retained as a souvenir a Vuvuzela. And I thought, if I took this out now, blowing this, it'd be like carrying a sawn-off shotgun. Just be spraying saliva in all directions.

Not only that, but it comes with a warning, the sound. You're right, Frank, the bubble maker's a lethal weapon. I saw someone driving around in a... Have you? Yeah. Or at the pea shooter. That'd be the sort of thing Carlos the Jackal would be using now.

Friend of the show. Oh yeah, Carlos the Jackal. I like a specialist in any area. And I always, have always, always loved those suitcases that have had special compartments made out of foam for the things, the parts of the rifle to sit in. I was once sent by Ribena at How to Make Ribena Kit and it all sat in neat little sort of brush velvet thing

and it was lovely So I'd like to tell you a little bit about what I've been up to boys I've decided I'm going to spend this time wisely and I thought I'd learn a new language oh brilliant so I've got a smattering of French some basic conversational Turkish have you I can say things like that I've known you for how long? 20 years? I had no idea you had conversational Turkish. Well, my mother spoke fluent Turkish,

so I picked it up. Did she? Yes. Wow, the things that steadily ooze from people if you hang around them long enough, like sap from a tree trunk. I can't say much. I could, you know,

nasılsınız? That's how you know, nasol sones. That's how you say, how are you? Anyway, I've always had a great affection for this language that I'm about to tell you about, but I've never mastered it. Do you want to guess what it is? Can you guess what language I've started? Klingon. Good shout.

A language you've always hankered for. I'm going to say Spanish. Okay. Al, what's your guess? I thought Frank's guess was going to be a hurtful Russian. No. Do you know what it is? Shall I reveal all?

Latin. Italian. Latin. Latin. That will come in handy. Well, it will. Hear me out. Hear me out. I mean, I haven't spoken it since childhood. Well, it will. Hear me out. Hear me out.

I mean, I haven't spoken it since childhood. No jokes, please. Emily grew up in ancient Rome, for those of you who don't know. Anybody else just bitten their hand off trying not to make that joke? Yeah. I thought it was best to get it out there. The whole Pompeii business just wiped everywhere. But it's a romance language, which I liked i liked you know that really appealed to me and then i read that you know mark zuckerberg

was a massive fan of latin it's got a lot of common with i knew he liked plastic flip-flops but not latin they rarely go together. And Star Wars. They like to sandal. Does he like Star Wars? He had a Star Wars themed wedding, I believe, didn't he? Oh, did he? Yes. Anyway, what I've read and heard about Latin,

because I did learn it sort of just vaguely when I was a kid. I did it for a few years. But because it's a sort of root language, it helps you understand English better. And I like the idea of that. But also it's very good of root language, it helps you understand English better. And I like the idea of that. But also, it's very good for disciplining the mind. The other thing, Frank, do you know where the only place in the world in which it's spoken still? Vatican City.

Yes. Yes. It was a fair bet. I thought we could. Wouldn't that be great? I'll be able to speak to the Pope. Oh, so I'm doing it. I do it twice a day. I thought we could, wouldn't that be great? I'll be able to speak to the Pope. Oh, so I'm doing it. I do it twice a day.

I go in, I have this thing, Duolingo, and I go in and I learn phrases. I've learned a few already. Brilliant. Me and me. Frank Domi Dormit. Do you know what that means? Stay at home.

No. No. No, Frank sleeps at home, that means. I reckon the dorm home thing what about Parsius Ionctus oh I don't know

don't start throwing Ionctus now I only what does that mean just because when you start talking I have at my side

coincidentally the complete odes and epodes of Horace so I thought I'd just there's one called Pars Parsus Ionctus. Sorry to hear that.

If you'd have bounced back with that, I'd have been well impressed. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I'm still feeling my way. It's a great thing to do. Well, Frank, you know what I loved? Well, I'm going to start saying Salve Te when I greet you two now.

But I liked... There's a phrase i i saw came across which was fac ut vivas get a life oh come on that'd be you see get a life is such a rubbish thing to say to people but once you say in latin facut vivus or nullo modo. No way. What was that one? Nullo modo. No way. Can you imagine saying that?

Yeah. Nullo modo. Mate. Mate. Really, though. You see, what worries me is I'm going to come through this whole thing and think, you know, I should have used my time more wisely. Join the Latin crew with me and the Pope. Yeah. That's all of it.

That's the whole Latin crew. That's just us. The Pope's got a bit more spare time on his hands, so he probably could. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live, so do not text the show.

But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on both Twitter and Instagram. And you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. So that's still on the cards. Lupus in Fabula, Frank. What, there's a big rabbit coming? That means speak of the devil. How good is that?

That is a good one. Lupus in Fabula? I thought that was, lupus was a rabbit thing. What do I know of Latin? I mean, I've been speaking it. What do you know of Latin? Well, I only know the stuff from the liturgy. So, you know, it doesn't crop up that much.

Hosanna in excelsis. Obviously this week I'll be in the element. Can I tell you something? And this is, I don't know whether it says something about my decaying mind, but when Emily was telling us that she was learning Latin, I was so impressed and thought, that's so brilliant. What a novel and interesting thing. Why didn't I think of doing something like that?

And then I remembered, I remembered that I've actually just sent off for an old english correspondence course which had completely slipped my mind as if these things are so yeah for many years because of my obsession with the anglo-saxons i've i have um i have hankered to speak old english and i've now put my put my money where my bear wolf is and I've signed up. So I'll keep you posted on that. I mean, soon there'll be no need for English

on this show at all. Well, you're a veritable modernist compared to me with the Old English. That's true. You and your newfangled ways. It's interesting though, because the Romans left Britain and then were soon replaced by the Anglo-Saxons.

So there is a sort of a logic to all this. How's Al going to beat us, Frank? Because if I've got Latin, you've got the old English. What's he going to go for? Al has got a fair amount of the Southeast Asian languages, Al has got a fair amount of the Southeast Asian languages, you know, from cries of warning and violence during his many thrusts and parries. I'm mainly doing a deep dive in the language of shouting at children. That's my current study.

It's interesting that because it's temper combined with not swearing often yes um i'm slightly worried can i ask you a question about sure go on what's your question no i was just gonna say on the martial arts front i uh i was i've been watching a lot of um the third doctor um recently the john pertwee manifestation and he does um venusian karate venusian karate yeah a karate that i've encountered in my many years when he does it he's quite theatrical pertwee generally speaking but he does a lot of that in the martial art thing he does a lot of that you don't say in the martial arts thing he doesn't know that when he when he chops people on the neck do you do or do you do that no in oh in grappling it goes oh in karate i think that does happen but in grappling you're you're actually you know

you're you're catching hold of the guy rather than striking him. So you don't do the sort of da-da-da, da-da-da. Anyone who's ever seen Elvis live will know what that music's referenced to. I mean, truthfully, I don't do any of this at the moment. But, yeah, it's been very affected by the social distancing. It would be, yeah, grappling is going to be, that's the worst. What did you say about Elvis, Frank? I was going to say, he would sometimes do a 25 minute

karate demonstration during a stage show. I mean, this was towards the end, obviously, but I spoke to a member of his band who said to me, it was tedious in the extreme.

He said it was unbearable, but no one could tell him. I think no one could tell him is probably, when you speak to ex-Elvis people, that is the phrase that comes up the most often. But still loved, of course. Still loved by the crowd. I, on stage, don't do any of that. But I'm thinking now Al could put in maybe five minutes. Of karate?

Yeah, some sort of, you know, some maybe Hapkido. Something of that nature. I'll give it thoughts. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this, but we've become the sort of collective go-to posse for anything Doctor Who and Dalek related, just FYI. Makes me very proud, indeed.

I like Alan's mmm. Yeah, I feel differently, but, you know, it's a good role. It's a good role different. Okay, so we've been sent this. I was sent this personally via my Twitter account. It also came in via the show Twitter account, at Frank on the Radio. There was a video of a Dalek roaming the streets,

which went viral this week. And lots of people sent us this link. We had at Dave Army, thought you might enjoy this, at Kate Collister. There's a Dalek out there looking for you, Frank. Did either of you come across this at all in the socials? It came up on Who News, did it? in the socials?

It came up on Who News. Did it? Yes, I got an alert about Dalek in Robin Hood Bay, which is where it was in North Yorkshire. It's a nice spot, actually. Yes, I've been there. I'll tell you why I was there. Because me and Kath, my partner, did the coast-to-coast walk. Nice.

And that is where you either start or finish at, depending which way you're going. Yeah. In Robin Hood's Bay. It is very lovely. It's an interesting, I like the idea that the Daleks have come to save the earth and they are mainly operating in a suburban road in North Yorkshire.

Yeah. That shows just how bad parking in London is in the 21st century. The Daleks have been driven out into the sticks as well. We should say, what they were saying, they were saying, I mean, I can't do the impression of them, Frank. Oh, go on. Shall I? They were saying, all humans must self-isolate

by order of the Daleks. If Nicholas Briggs is listening, I apologise for that. I don't know if he's on computer. You see, the reason I can't do that is it's too triggering and it just reminds me of actors smoking and drinking wine when I hear that.

Because they were at your house. Yes, they were all at my house. You don't know how lucky you were to have Daleks around your house. But they, what was odd? I don't quite understand this because it was the police in Scotland were sharing the video, weren't they? To sort of encourage

people to stay indoors. But how did you feel about this, Frank? They said our colleagues in Scarrow division. Scarrow. What is it? Scarrow. Scarrow is the home of the original home of the Daleks.

Yeah. Oh, OK. Have deployed their direct action local enforcement cops. OK. Dalek. Yeah. To ensure everyone is following guidelines guidelines but they used a sort of TARDIS acronym

it's actually a backronym the TARDIS isn't it totally awesome a backronym means that the acronym was applied after the fact so TARDIS came first and then whatever it stands for came after

it was applied afterwards I don't So TARDIS came first and then whatever it stands for came after. It was applied afterwards. Well, I don't... That may be televisually, but surely... Yes. It would have had... The name TARDIS actually on Gallifrey would have come from the time and relative dimensions in space. That's how it would have got its name.

OK, and other conversations I never thought I'd be involved in. Anyway, totally awesome rightly distanced isolation systems i didn't like that what what was it you didn't like about it because i have a strong feeling about this what was it you didn't like i didn't like right it just felt forced i don't like things forced. Specifically, the police being too friendly, forced. I didn't like the fact that the police are doing material. Suddenly the police are coming. There was a bit of that. Get back on your own territory. Am I supposed to suddenly start doing citizens' arrests

if there's some people playing frisbee? The police farce. That's what it is. It did have an element of policeman dances with revellers at Notting Hill. It really did. Oh God, I hate that as well. Oh man. Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio The video of the Dalek that's all over the internet now I tell you what I particularly liked about it is after it had said all humans must self-isolate by order of the Daleks there's still quite a long bit of the video where the Dalek, in a very melancholy way,

just goes up the road in silence. Like it's sort of just thinking about stuff. And I never really... They so rarely come over as introspective, the Daleks. But this one just... I know what you mean. It was sort of a bit romantic poets, wasn't it? On his own, contemplating the cosmos.

Yeah, like he was doing his mandatory hour of exercise. But yeah, just going off, oh yeah. Maybe it's the burden of being an enforcer of, oh, God, I'd really like some downtime. Yeah, I know. It's not why he joined the Daleks, to be giving people health advice. He joined there to destroy and conquer.

It must be worrying to them that the runners now are a greater threat to a bird's population than the Daleks are. Yeah, I know. They've lost the USP, haven't they? They've got nothing. No unique selling point. I'm surprised it's a Dalek, though. I would have thought a Cyberman would be quite a terrifying Doctor Who figure

for these times. And they've got the face mask on ready to go, haven't they? They have got. That's true. They have got all that. They are part human as well, so I think they could maybe get it, though. You see, Daleks,

very thick-waisted, the Dalek, aren't they? Don't body-shame them. On that subject, I would say they're slim. I would say it's all gone a bit pear-shaped for the Daleks. I'd say they've got quite a slim waist, if you look for where their arms are. Well, it depends.

What, do you think the waist is where the sink plunger or whatever it is, the 70s sink plunger is? Yeah, I think it's sort of the old Simon Cowell trousers look. Quite a high waist. Is that what they're up to? Why do they always have to get a look in? They call the skirt, they call it, of the Dalek. That's a nice skirt, huh? And then the Dalek. That's a nice skirt.

And then the Dalek... That happened to me this week. I was having an avocado and I cut the avocado in half. You know when you work your way around the stone inside? And as I pulled it apart... You know the stone sits in one half of the avocado? What do you do when that happens then? I always think, oh, it looks just like a Dalek bump. You know the bumps on a Dalek?

Yeah. Yes, I do. There's a great Colin Baker line when he said, a Dalek can never change its bumps like a leopard and spot a leopard and spot so i thought it my kingdom for all but anyway um well you know the most depressing photograph i've ever seen in fact frank okay let's clarify one of the most depressing photographs i've ever seen, was the eye of a Dalek. You could see the black paint had rubbed off. You could see a remnant of an orange sort of ball cock underneath

where it had been painted. I mean, come on. Really? But I like a bit of that. I remember in the first Batman film when he gets in, I think, the Batplane and it's a bit chipped, the paint's a bit ch that. I remember in the first Batman film, when he gets in, I think, the Batplane, and it's a bit chipped, the paint's a bit chipped on the dash. And I think, oh, I like that.

It looks a bit lived in. Yeah, not because they didn't have enough money in the props department. Like those, you know, those very multi-line Bolivian peasant women you get on the cover of National Geographic. Yeah. I prefer those now to, you know, to the supermodels. I like... multi-line Bolivian peasant women you get on the cover of National Geographic. Yeah.

I prefer those now to, you know, to the supermodels. I like something that looks... Oh, good, because that's a Christmas future post-isolation for me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I must check out the Dalek with orange paint or without silver paint. Yeah. Yeah, I like to think I know most of the iconic. Of course, one of the most notorious Dalek photo opportunities was Katie Manning, who was a former companion.

She might well have been around your house at some point in the 70s. She, after she left Doctor Who, did a naked picture shoot with a Dalek. She never. Which was, she honestly did. But it was a bit... She sort of...

She has to sort of cling very closely to the Dalek, you know, to retain her privacy. I mean, I've heard of specialist interest, but why me? But you know those things where... I worry that, you know, with metal, like when you... If you lick...

There was a bloke who licked a car, I remember. Some drunken bloke in the paper who licked a car and his tongue stuck to it. Because, you know, metal, if it gets hot or cold, can do that. But anyway, she survived. That's heartwarming. Yes, it was... I've got to say about this Dalek that I've seen a few privately owned Daleks over the years.

You're not the kind of guy to kiss and tell. No. I'll tell you who's got one. Hasn't Lee Mack got one? Harry Hill had one, and I think he left it at his management company when he departed. Stephen Moffat has got one. Okay. And a man next to where my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law live,

he's got one. There's a few privately owned ones, but this is without a doubt, I've never seen one that has got the running action of this one. This one is, it's a different class. I mean, it's absolutely careering. You're right there, Al. How you doing? I'm just enjoying this.

It's careering down the pavement. Often they don't, you know, it's hard to move them about. I was very impressed by that. I'd like to know, is there someone inside? Is it remote controlled? I don't want to play sci-fi top trumps, but I do feel maybe a Triffid might be an even better deterrent from Day of the Triffids.

Oh, yeah. Good shout. Because they're sinister, but there's something, I don't know. I think for me, I'm honestly not putting Daleks down, you know, we're all God's children. But I just, I don't know, I find them comical rather than sinister, if I'm honest, Frank. Yeah. Yeah, I can't.

I still think they're the blackest villains in the cosmos but you know as you say we're all different by the way i did watch recently doctor who and the silurians and uh in that one come on there's a virus uh these um the silurians a bit much yeah they live under the earth and they release a virus to finish off humanity. And the doctor, he puts a lap coat on and comes up with a cure in, I'd say, about two and a half hours. So I think there's no testing, nothing. They just put it straight out there. Everyone takes it and it's fine.

So I think we can learn many lessons you know there's people blaming the chinese my money's on the silurians for all this i think they've uh they've come back again i found it quite inspirational the doctor just sitting with a few test tubes and then saying that's it i've got it and then writing it down freehand to send to the government. Simpler times. Oh, so much simpler. So as we near the end of the show, have we heard any more from our fabulous readers? Well, we have. We've had this in from Belfast Cole.

He dreamt about you, Frank. Oh, yeah. I don't know how you feel about Belfast Cole, but he says, I had a dream last night. I met Frank on the radio on a late night bus in Coventry. Nice bloke. I've been on a few.

In fact, I used to briefly live right next to Paul Meadow, which is the central bus station in Coventry. So that could have happened. Nice bloke, but shook my hand as he got off at his stop and my wife told me off for not keeping my distance. Anyhow, Frank, nice to meet you. Of course, as we now know, handshaking, very Birmingham. Oh, yeah, very. Maybe it's stretched to Coventry

it's in that direction gone through Solihull it's nice to know but I think it's nice to know that you got a good review in someone's dream prank well I tell you what's interesting is that my dreams

and I'm not going to start doing specifically I had this dream because as we all know what do we know listening to people's dreams is more boring not going to start doing specifically I had this because as we all know what do we know listening to people's dreams is more boring than listening to their problems but we'll allow you this yes but this this is a generalization yeah for about the first five or six days or nights I suppose of lockdown my dreams remained um as they had been so I would wake up and think, oh, I was, you know, sitting, chatting to someone, blah, blah, whatever I was doing in the dream. I've cleaned it up a bit because you can't do that now.

And then I noticed that in my dreams over the last 10 days, I've started to observe the government guidelines. of the government guidelines. Oh, really? Yeah. It must be so... I mean, there's still... You know, I'm still doing my signature defecating in public places motif, but with less witnesses, I notice.

So you're evolving in your dreams. So in the dreams, I'm not making this up. It has now got into my dreams. So I'm not dreaming about going out really hardly at all. And if I am, then I'm keeping my distance from people. It shows. I think it's the Catholic in me. I've got such a hunger for strict rules that I've even taken it into my sleeping time,

which is uh pretty outstanding i for many years i've had a sort of rules-based dreaming habit i i i used to do some material about how boring a dream once was that i had where i dreamt that i had forgotten to renew my car tax and i i had to go to the post office and renew it. Very, very humdrum admin task. Yeah, I used to have the most fantastic dreams and now mine have become very domestic. They're sort of things I can really do, which seems a waste of a thing to do in a dream.

It does when you could be flying. Exactly. when you could be flying we also have a text, a message from at Mike Kelly Disco who suggests when he was growing up around the same time as yourself Frank, my parents always used to prick sausages before

cooking them but nobody seems to do it anymore, what's changed? oh, where do you stand on that? Can I say, I had no idea that that had stopped. I still, I always prick every time. Me too. I Stuart Pierce them all over the place. No, I don't.

I've stopped, but I don't know why. Don't you get those horrible meat pustules come splitting out of them? Yeah. You all right with that? It seems so, yeah. He's putting himself, giving him some cream for that. I couldn't live with that. It's like eating a snake with a hernia.

Don't mind that either. You don't mind that? Okay. Especially if it's one of them that's eaten a goat. You know, the enormous swollen oh fantastic look if the freezer needs defrosting I'll have anything

I thought he was going to say if the freezer needs defrosting and the creeks don't rise oh speaking of that we come to the end of the show look thank you guys we're not you know we are all staying in

and observing the rules but knowing you're out there means a tremendous amount to us. Thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now stop in!