The Frank Skinner Show - Candy Kane

Episode Date: November 27, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to the Opera with Baroness Bakewell and hosted Absolute Live. The team also discuss driving with a dog, letter openers and the correct way to fill up the kettle.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show on frank at absoluteradio.co. dot uk still not happy with on well we'll come to that because we've had a number of reader suggestions how you can cope with that oh okay right what is it some sort of uh antidepressant i have to take to stop me fretting about it well do you want to hear now yeah let's what what what should it be okay i, Al. I can't have the words again. Al, let's open this Pandora's box. So at the moment it says email the show

frank at absoluteradio.co.uk on my bit of paper and the producer, Sarah, has written in biro on. So email the show, move to Biro on, frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I feel the Biro seems to be part of the problem for you. No, I'm happy. Any Biro that's correct, I'm happy with. I can see why she might avoid that,

because there's a Cumberland sausage at in the address. Well, Al, we've had some correspondence, haven't we, regarding this. Steve Amflit, for example, says send emails to frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Email

should never be a verb. Oh, good. Sounds like my father. What is it an American corruption He did email us To say email should never be a verb Yeah I don't know It's a strict rule that

It's very strict But I wouldn't mind Yeah Drop us a line No you still need an at or an on You need that and you also need to be living in 1979. Yeah, well, I am. On Radio Caroline.

So that's all right. I'm OK with that. We've also had... By the way, I've got an old-fashioned cold. I don't know if you can hear that. Ah. Dear Frank, read your email address announcements during your housekeeping announcements

when you advise your readers of the ways you can hear from the outside world. You've expressed some dissatisfaction with the phrase email the show on frank at absoluteradio.co.uk but you don't want to say email the show at frank at absoluteradio in case it implies the use of another Cumberland sausage at the beginning of Frank. Yeah, that's correct. How about replacing the word on with via?

It worked when it was via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, that's true. Why did we ever drop via? Well... That sounds like some sort of theatre in Italy conversation going on. Why did we drop via? She was fabulous. Yeah.

I'm not sold on Vaya. Oh, it was good enough for us when we used the company one. Okay. Before our producer had the brilliant idea of getting our own, which he's trying to claim now, steal it from the viewer who sent in and said, why don't you have your own website address? I don't know.

It's on PeopleNow. You can't copyright anything anymore. Could you do maybe a TV show called PeopleNow? Where you just rant about people now. I've been Prince Charles on for the Christmas special, which is called These

People. I know there should be a bit of swearing in that that but they won't tolerate it at Christmas, certainly not in the title. People hate it when I do that. But now I've done it again. Can I, it was, last Sunday was

Absolute Life which is our big annual Christmas comedy night at the London Palladium. Yes. It's in the age of a very good cause, isn't it? It is.

It's Teenage Cancer Trust. There's a lot of work for charity. Well, I don't really. I usually, I just, well, I won't explain what I usually do because you don't let your left hand know what your right hand's doing. But here's the thing. When I got into my dressing room you know you get i don't know if you're familiar with the term um i know uh you guys are but the rider yeah and a rider is what you get in your dressing room in the way of food and drink refreshments and sometimes in the old days i used to put local postcard one pair of black socks you

could put anything on your rider i was once on tour at the same time as the kinks and i found their rider in a dressing room and it included oxygen oh i love it and presumably part of that is to check that it's being read properly isn't it like the m&ms thing well i'll tell you what was in my dressing room when we come back. No, it wasn't her. Oh, God. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I got into me.

We were on a dressing room rider cliffhanger. Oh, yeah. So you had something in the corner. So I went into dressing room, star dressing room number two. Oh dear. I know. And if you're with one hand, they take it away with the other. Anyway, what did I have?

What was my rider? It was 11 candy canes. That's a lot. I mean, get thee behind me Satan you don't want to start on those that's a lot of sugar isn't it so I was going on stage with one just hanging off my bottom lip like that thing that they

sock the fluid out of the dentist you know that oh yeah were they traditional the traditional Christmas colours I guess they were about seven inches to the bend. Okay.

They had problems in the early days of candy cane. The bend was an issue. Oh. Yeah, they couldn't find a way of bending. They used to lose a lot of their candy canes that they made by they just broke when they were bending them at the end. So people were going home with bags of candy canes that had been thrown away, broken ones.

It's a shame they don't have other... Can you think of any other walking aids you can get in candy form? Oh, well, I am... I'm eating a sponge sugar... What's it called? What's that frame? Oh, no, what's it called? What's that frame? Oh, no, that's it. He's finished.

He's finished. Everyone will remember. Apparently he's lost it. I got it. I got it. Go on. I got it at the end. A spun sugar Zimmer frame.

Oh, well done. I forgot the word Zimmer frame. Oh, well. No, but it was appropriate. Then you forgot it. It was appropriate that you were reaching for something used by the elderly whilst forgetting. You're not the first person to struggle

reaching for a Zimmer fry. Indeed. Just a candy crotch. You could have gone candy crotch. It would have been easier. I'd like a candy crotch, but with a fruit pastel as a ferrule. Oh, nice.

Oh, lovely. I love the word ferrule. In, nice. I love the word ferrule. In case you don't know, it's that rubber bit on the end that stops it wearing away against the pavement. So what have you done? Did you eat any of the canes? You know what?

I did think, of course, my son will love these candy canes. I'll walk in with them over my forearm. You'll walk in with them over my forearm. You'll walk in with them over your dead body with Kath around. Well, he's already had about five, so I've broken through. It's nearly Christmas for good. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I'm drowning. I'm drowning Bing Crosby drowns live on television it was a good night it was a great night actually great audience, great cast lots of comedians there was a bit where I got so carried away

you know Al that feeling when you don't want to come off? Oh, yeah. I was introducing Dara O'Brien, and there was a bit I actually... He was standing in the wings, like, you know, how much longer are you going to do? And I remember I turned to him, held up my finger,

and said, just one more joke. Oh, my God. But it was. He was fine. He actually did have a cane. Oh, yes,. But it was. I was delighted. He was fine. He actually did have a cane. Oh, yes, that's right. So, I'll tell you what happened to me.

Yeah. They dropped me off at the end of the road and I couldn't remember where the stage door was, so I thought, I'll just go in through the main doors. How can you not remember? You've been there so many times. Well, I don't know. I'm not good on directions. So I tried to walk through the main entrance

and the Magic FM show had been on and there was all these Magic FM type people in, you know, pastel sweaters tied around their shoulders. And women with sweatshirts with like a big Mickey Mouse face on. And so happily, Paul Sylvester, our boss, was coming out and he took me to one side,

dragged me into the stage door and rescued me. It was a lovely moment. They gave me a laminate wristband, candy cane, and off I went to my dressing room. That was actually a full-size candy cane to get me down the corridor. I wish Harry Kane had married someone called Candy.

He's got that so wrong. Oh, that would have been brilliant. You would have done that just for the joke. You don't get people called Bamboo. LAUGHTER You would have done that just for the joke. You don't get people called Bamboo. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, we often say, don't we, on this show, that Alan is the motoring correspondent,

and I think of Emily as the dog correspondent. Oh, good. Between us, we're both the fashion correspondents, are we? We share that burden, don't we, Emily? Oh, yeah, yeah. She's gone very quiet now. I've got one I think that you might both be able to help me with, because I was, I had to

pick up my dog from Lord's Cricket Ground, where it wasn't allowed in. It's a long story. We've got time. So I was driving, but I've never driven in the car with the dog on my own before.

I assumed the dog would just lie on the back seat and that would be fine. So pretty soon, after about two minutes of journey, the dog suddenly appeared in the front of the car, to my horror, and was like walking about. The dashboard where all the buttons are on is quite low in my car. It's not one of those where it's actually on, we expect, a dashboard. my car it's not one of those where it's actually on we expect a dashboard so i was worried it would it's gonna it might you know switch to sport modes you know sport when you drive sport yes

no i don't want to drive sport around town that'd be crazy yeah crazy or even go and worst of all could have switched me to am radio oh Oh, you don't. Which is radio's version of the dark web. What if it switched you to cruising? Well, I'll stop that. So, I had to

have it on my lap. It got on my lap then, my dog. I don't know if there's anyone listening from the police. Obviously, I'm making there's anyone listening from the police, obviously I'm making this up. I'm just reaching for my highway code to check what contravention we're dealing with here. It might be alright.

It would be under distraction now. It might be under dog as airbag. I figure it would have protected my lower areas if we'd had it crashed the way we like. But also your dog, Frank, I've met your dog.

Oh, yeah, there is a dog as airbag exemption. Oh, thank goodness. We're not talking, you know, a small shih tzu here. It's a reasonable size, your dog. It's one of those, it's not a big dog, it's not a small dog. It's not some Bernard. It's not a comedy film from the 80s.

You couldn't have a some Bernard on your lap. And also, you know, drinking and driving. They've always got that barrel round the neck. No, so then every time I'd turn the wheel it was like robbing on the dog's back and the dog was looking at me like, you know, get off, get off. And I thought, I'm really not liking this.

So I was driving with one hand holding the dog down and another one on the stick. I mean, it's not right. National Lab Boots. You need a boot and one of those dog nets, don't you? You can't put it in the boot. No, like an estate car with the little dog net, you know, like a Volvo driver or possibly a Mondeo. Dog net?

You don't have those anymore, Mitt Romney. There's other vehicles available. Mitt Romney, you don't have those anymore. What you now have is the dog carrier at the back. I have a dog carrier. Oh, I'm not hiring staff for this. There's not enough money in the house. Is that where dogs go to sort of discuss various dog issues?

What is a dog carrier? Oh, you can get all sorts of them. It's a special car. You can strap it into the car. It goes in via the seatbelt. It's wonderful and it means your dog you can travel safely without worrying about your dog straying into any of the controls or mechanisms well i thought about seat belt through the under the collar to sort of hold it in place

and then i thought yeah i thought well i didn't do it it. It's a bit Larry Mavie. So I didn't do it. It was harrowing. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What else did I do this week? Oh, I went to see the Valkyrie. You know, the Wagner opera. Did you?

He was a high-mainten high maintenance chap wasn't he? Wagner? yeah probably great side he's now he'd have slotted into if he'd been born later Frank but just briefly Paul from Glasgow

get a dog lead with a seatbelt clip oh yeah he says I think it's the law oh god Paul from Glasgow, get a dog lead with a seatbelt clip. Oh, yeah. He says, I think it's the law. Oh, is it? Oh, God. Oh, OK. Another one who's at the highway code. So you put it under the seat.

I'd only get poo on the booster. Well, I can't... That's what I think they said in Apollo 13. Terrifying take-off. Exactly. said in Apollo 13. Terrifying take off. It's legal, you've got to have them on a lead in the car. Could she just run along at the side? It almost makes me laugh, Frank, the way

you're always quite shocked by the modern world. I am shocked by that. Who knew, though? Who knew that a dog has to be on a lead in a car? It's a bit counterintuitive, isn't it? I'll just get my dog on a lead and then we'll take it for a walk in the car. I mean, it's almost as though the problem that you're describing

has been thought about, you know, the dog jumping into the front and crawling all over the driver. That might be why the... Yeah, it might be. It needs to be, you know... Well, I've got some gaffer tape now in the glovey. Should be all right. We'll get texts.

No, you'll be fine. She's still, you know, she's well-loved. Don't worry about it. Mind your own business as well. There's always that one. There's always that one. There's always that aspect. So, yeah, five hours.

The Valkyrie. That's long, isn't it? It's long, but there's intervals. The first interval was 40 minutes. What about that for an interval? Me and Baroness Bakewell, who I was with, nipped out and had a hot meal in the interval. In the 40-minute interval? Yeah.

I think that would have been stressful for me, because I would have thought a hot meal was sort of 45 to 60-minute commitment. Why aren't you stressing with the... You see, I would have thought... Did you have a word with your servants and say... Well, we laid our cards on the table. I took his servant with him. I took my dog carrier.

Did you say... You know, when you spoke to the people, did you get Joan to do it or did you do it? I let Joan do it because she's very authoritative. Shall we go back to calling her Baroness Bakewell, please? OK. I'd like to. So Baroness Bakewell says...

She said, look, we are in the interval from the opera. See, I would have kept that quiet. She said, we've got 35 minutes. Can you prepare a meal in 35 minutes? Oh, I love it. What is the best meal to eat in order to be fed quickly? the best meal to eat in order to be fed quickly so they told us and we were happy and they delivered in about i suppose in about 10 minutes that's good and it did make me think all the time you

wait in restaurants when they have to they can yeah people are incentivized by a deadline yeah i get the impression in kitchens you know when you see on gordon ramsay it's all this yeah we need that but in fact like it's people with their feet up saying oh i saw let them wipe then it'll feel like it's a more difficult thing and whenever they say it's just on its way sorry whenever they say it's just on its way i I never be. Yeah but they say that about mini cabs. Everything's just on its way. I mean you might have just got lucky and you just got a restaurant that was very keen on people enjoying Wagner. Yeah. And it motivated them like. What I would say is it was tense. It's impossible to eat a meal under high time restrictions without it being tense.

But it's quite good cardiovascular, that anxiety about finishing in time. I actually left the cafe with a piece of chicken and mushroom pie in my hand. That's attractive. Pie is a good travel food, though, isn't it? Oh, yeah. It's not like a salad that you're just... That's attractive. Pie is a good travel food though, isn't it? It's not like a salad that you're just... It's ideal.

Ideal for Wagner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So it was good. It was good, the Wagner. I liked it. Don't worry about the... I think there's something weird. It's a different world, opera. There's a bit where this bloke...

You know those stories where someone falls in love? Let's say a bloke falls in love with a woman and then he finds out it's his sister and the whole thing is destroyed. Their whole... Oh. Yeah, it was like that. And this bloke falls in love with this woman

and she says, you know, actually, I'm your sister. And he says, brilliant, you can be my sister and my bride. And I thought, it's a different world, isn't it? Opera, very different. I like you referring to the characters in the Wagnerian opera as this bloke. I can't remember all the Z things and all that, but it was good. I've had a very cultural week. It's long, though, isn't it?

I went to the... I saw Measure for Measure. Oh, the problem play. The problem play at the Sam Wanamaker Theatre. I mean, let's not get on to... Sam Wanamaker. If I was called Sam Wanamaker. If I was called Sam Wanamaker... Thanks for the tip.

I would pitch a TV show that was every week I made a different thing with some people, members of the public, and it would call, like, Wanamaker Sausage. Wanamaker Dog Carrier.

He's kept it clean now. Nice work, man. Yeah, I'm pleased. I'm pleased. But wouldn't that be a great... That would be commissioned, definitely. If Zoe Wanamaker's listening, you can have that. Because the title is so good.

And it was, you know, Wanamaker this week on... Wanamaker and you've got that dot, dot, dot. Yeah, dot, dot, dot, exactly. They love the ellipses, the commissioners. Wanamaker dot, dot, dot, ice cream sundae. And then the whole thing is about making the best possible ice cream. I've seen this. This used to be on children's TV, the Mr. Maker show.

No, not Mr. Wanamaker, though. Oh, right. No. No. Was he a film director or something? Oh, yes, and he rebuilt the Globe Theatre. Yeah, well, and he's got his own little one. It talks at the side of the Globe Theatre.

And we all do. So how was the problem play? Well, it was brilliant. I loved it. And I tell you what, it took me back to something that we used to do in the old days because it ended

with a dance a big the whole cast more or less the whole cast danced a bit like the end of Shrek yes

and most cartoons most cartoons now there's a dance right at the end do you remember I tell you what I'm gonna I'll tell you after I'll tell you after this

This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 81215 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via

frank at absoluteradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I mean, I hate to introduce a voice of controversy here, but 452 has been in touch via, it's not a promising opening. No. As anyone who's ever spent a childhood getting buses knows this means your destination by way of the back end of nowhere and right round the houses. Therefore, not appropriate,

since it is now a direct email address. Preposition is definitely on, as email is a platform. I love the show, Jenny. Brackets, South Shields, close brackets. Kiss Mark. Kiss Mark? Is that a note? A little

memo she's put? Son of Kiss Mark. Third Shields. So. How are we? I liked it with Vian. I'll be the fly in the ointment if it's necessary. I think there isn't enough Latin on this show. I've always said that.

I was going to say it's very Roman. Glad you brought up that caveat, Frank. Yeah, exactly. Oh, lovely! So, listen, the thing that the dance at the end of Measure for Measure... Yes, we should say, anyone who's just freshly joining us, we left Frank at a end of Measure for Measure. Yes, we should say anyone who's just freshly joining us, we left Frank at a production of Measure for Measure. Yes.

But the Sam want to make a theatre. I don't want to make a theatre, that's too much. No. I like the ice cream sundae idea better. Okay. So at the end they dance and it reminded me of, we used to come into this, now Al, I don't know if this was before your time or

not, I cannot imagine you as a participant in this and I have an imagination I have an imagination like Walt Disney, but I cannot picture you, but before the show we used to dance to the theme

from Cagney and Lacey the popular cop show and it used to sort of get us in the, I don't know, it was like a warm up exercise was it? The music was was it it's a great tune it starts with a sort of

it's a fine, it's like so many music things From films and TV If you take them away from the pictures They sound even better It was pure TV sax wasn't it? Oh man yeah It had a bit of the Quincy I don't think it's one of his

But it had a bit of that feel about it. I know exactly what you mean, yeah. And you're right, I've never danced to that with you. No, I just can't picture it that you would... Yeah, I don't find it very easy to join in. No. That's one of my problems in life. I wasn't expecting that kind of revelation at 9, 10.

I like it. I struggle with it. It's difficult, isn't it? I mean, if you're going to be a join in, that is a challenge, the dance into a TV, cop TV theme. Well, Frank and I assumed the

sort of positions that you sometimes get in the opening credits. You see maybe the cops laughing, having a coffee. Styrofoam cops. Yeah. And then maybe just blend it in there to give it a bit of a mix. Maybe a difficult arrest scene,

but it always ends on a joke. I'm not going to lie, I think Gareth joining in on this may have been coercion or workplace bullying, but we'll go with it. Yeah, there was none of that in those days. No. Didn't exist.

Yeah, I don't know. I think he did dance, but maybe he felt he had to right i don't think i've ever felt he had to yeah so this house so i'm not saying i miss it i'm saying it just seemed it seems like something from another time when we used to dance to that i'm not suggesting we start dancing before the show what What would we dance to now? It could only be... And I'd go occasionally... I don't know if you've noticed, it's sometimes forgotten that on the actual theme tune of Strictly,

a bloke goes... Every now and again. Good gig if you can get it. Yeah, exactly. What about the lyricist's fee? Brilliant work. I'll tell you when the bloke does it, it's specifically after. There's a bit of a truck driver's key change

in that. Oh, there is, yeah. Da-da-da. And that's when the bloke chimes in with his... Then it goes da-da-da-da-da. It goes off again. Every time it changes key, I see it. It's like Anton de Beek is four inches away from my face looking at me. It's like a mental image that comes to me.

I don't know why I associate it with the key change. Ha! I'd love to find out that it was Anton who was doing that. If anyone knows, it's not Dave Hart. It's a contract. It's not Dave Hart. Do you think he had not Dave Hart he gets extra with him it would be more

it would be sort of smoother you can even just thinking about when that image of Anton comes to me face to face I can smell aftershave it's in complete sense around that the whole thing is there but that is the greatest TV thing.

If Anton Dubek did Sixth Sense, it would be I Smile Aftershave, wouldn't it? That would be his version of it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I noticed on the news, by the way, I don't know who our newsreader was this morning. The producer will know. OK, thanks.

See, without your support staff, you're nothing. That's why I've asked that. You're nothing. I love it when Frank gets into his factory mode. She was talking about, is it Storm Irwin or something? Airwin. Oh, yes, Storm Irwin or something? Airwin. Oh, yeah, Storm Arwin. Is it Arwin? I saw it was

snowing at West Bromwich Albion last night. Anyway, she said that it was they gossed these things. That's when they're at their best. They dribble around and it's fine and then they start gossing and you're in trouble.

Yeah. And I don't want to disgusting. Oh. But she said, and I'd never really thought about this before, she said gusting up to speeds of 95 miles per hour. Oh, no. That's definitely a silent letter. No.

But it's never occurred to me, because it's spelt with the H if you said per hour, but we don't say it, we say hour. And I've never thought about that before. Well, it's like people that quite self-consciously say, did you stay in an hotel? Which always sounds very Basil Fawlty. An hotel.

An hotel, a lot of people say. Oh, why did they say that? For the same reason they would say, how? No, I think she, you know, she's a professional. She's trying to sound all the letters. Oh, professionals, dear. Well, come on. I'm not.

Yeah, I, anyway, dear. Well, come on. I'm not. Yeah, I am. Anyway, it was interesting to moi. I hate to force us back to the denouement, but did you not have a denouement to your Wagner, not Wagner, your... Measure for Measure. Yeah, your Measure for Measure song and dance number. No, no, I was just saying that. They did a lovely dance a la Shrek.

Right. A la every animated film you see now, they end like that. I'm sorry. And it just reminded me. No, it's all right. I can tell you more about Measure for Measure if you like. Aye, but to die and go we know not where, to lie in cold obstruction and to rot.

I like it. The absolute radio here. Breakfast. we know not where to lie in cold obstruction and to rot. I like it. The absolute radio here, breakfast. I take it there wasn't a song and dance number at the end. Not that, there was no dancing in that bit. I would like to interrupt this Shakespearean interlude with a retail intruder. Oh, OK. Now, in case you're new to the show

if i'd be surprised if you're still with us if you are but um if you got through the show it's been a good look you're our kind of people now i was talking about i bought my son a poppet which you may know is a thing that you pop little bubbles with in In the shape of the Incredible Hulk, remind me, I've got something to tell you about the Incredible Hulk. And I bought it from a vape shop in Blackpool. And I thought this was a strange place to sell poppets. And I referred to the phenomenon of the retail intruder which is things that you find

in it that shouldn't be in that shop now we had a fabulous text and if you remember someone had got into a jewelry shop where they had a display of megaphones or bullhorns as I think they call them in America and the reason they sold megaphones was as a security measure. If your jewellery is about to be stolen, you go, we are being robbed of our jewellery. And people come in. It's a tremendous...

I don't know why we don't all carry a megaphone. When you think about it, it makes absolute sense. Imagine running for a boss. Stop! But anyway, we're out of break, but we'll come to that. Now, now I've explained. Can I return us, Frank, to the subject of retail intruders?

Oh, yes. Please, yes. So we've had this correspondence from one of our regulars, Dr Troy Astarte. OK. Dr Troy says, morning, pals. Still doing retail intruders? Question mark. Frank?

Yeah. But you answered in a questioning way yourself. No, I was thinking, Dr Troy and retail intruders. I wonder if the wooden horse qualifies as a retail intruder. But I don't think they actually bought us a gift. That was just an equine intruder. Exactly. As a child.

I think I owned one of those in the 80s, the equine intruder. I don't know what they're called with those names. Anyway. As a child, I went on holiday to Newcastle, Northern Ireland. I didn't know there was a Newcastle in Northern Ireland. How? That's the sort of thing you'd know. I did not know that. I'm not sure that's right. Do you think his parents told him it in Northern Ireland. How? That's the sort of thing you'd know. I did not know that. I'm not sure that's right. Do you think his parents told him it was

Northern Ireland? I don't know. Anyway, we'll return to that subject. I mean, Dr. Troy is one of our regulars and a doctor. That doesn't mean he's not capable of fiction. Yeah. Anyway. Where there was a shop called Bonbon,

it was a paper shop with the kind of stuff you'd expect. Papers, stationery, casual groceries, and even a little post office. Okay. At the back of the shop, a small door through to a room full of swords. Swords? Showy weapons of all kinds.

I remember my dad was particularly amused by a polearm. Oh, aye, he said. I'm sure he didn't say it like that, but I don't feel I can do the accent. Oh, aye, he said. I just went to the shop for the paper and a pint of milk, but I saw the polearm and couldn't resist. What is a polearm? I've seen it. It's one of...

Is it like a jousting thing? I knew Al would know. Is it like a jousting thing? I knew Al would know. Is it like a lance? Yeah. How would you describe it, Al, as the weapons correspondent? He brought a jousting lance as an impulse buy. Jousting lance is a good description, I think. Oh, OK.

Surely you would judge him if it wasn't an impulse buy. Exactly. If he was searching jouststing Lance's higher love. I suppose it has to be. If it's in the back of a corner shop they sell them, it has to be an impulse buy because you wouldn't know it was going to be there, would you? Exactly.

Absolutely brilliant. Frank, can you just remind us of, you were going to, you left us hanging with the Hulk. You said you'd had an incident involving the Incredible Hulk. Oh. Well, yes. Can I just confirm Newcastle is a town in Northern Ireland? Fair enough.

I take it back. Do you think the person who was selling... Oh, we're in a lodge. Do you think the person who was selling stationery just built their way up from those little letter openers, like a little 9 feet type letter? And then they sold larger and larger blades and ended up with a sword shop in the back.

Yeah, I was wondering if you could... Do they qualify... Does a letter opener qualify as stationary? If I walked into Ryman's and said, have you got any letter openers, would they laugh in my face or say, over there to the left, next to the megaphones? I think you're right. I think it's now become, it is essentially a murder weapon in Cluedo.

That's all it is now. Does no one use a letter opener? I had one that was some sort of animal's foot handle and then it was a beautiful sort of, I don't know, it was probably plastic, the actual handle. But even so, it was a novelty letter opener, it's a thing to behold. Okay. What's your favourite letter holder?

812, not holder, your letter opener. 81215. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What was we talking about? A shop name, weren't we? Called something.

Well, I would just like to... It just reminded me, sorry, that I saw... You know, I don't want to go into loads of comedy shop names. No. Because, you know, because I don't. But I... There are other people's jokes, but I saw one this week that I couldn't work out the pun on it. And maybe you can help me out.

It was a sort of a, it was a food shop of a sort of, I suppose, a sort of Eastern cuisine. Yum. Middle Eastern, I would say, probably. First and foremost, yum. Yeah, and the title of the shop was What the Pitter. Okay, what is that a pun on? What the Dickens? What the Pete?

For Pitter's sake would have been all right. You're absolutely right, Frank. For Pitter's sake, that's what it should have been. But What the Pitter, I could not work out why that was. It was in central London. I was in Toctowai somewhere. I hate a lazy pun. I mean, I hate a pun, let's be honest.

No, but is the one we haven't got, is there a TV show about potty called What the Potty? Probably isn't. TV show about potty called What the Potty. Probably isn't, is it? If anyone knows the answer to that. I like it when we don't get jokes loudly on the radio. I think it's good. You know, I just thought if you've got, I mean, there was a big proper professionally made shop sign,

you know, over the top of the shop that said What the Pitter. That must be great for the sign writers because they think, well, this joke isn't going to work. We'll be back doing another sign in a year when they realise that's the gift that keeps giving for them, isn't it? You know what they need in their life is a Frank Skinner figure like Andrew Lloyd Webber had who comes in, for example, at the curtain call of a show

that's been running for 45 years and offers advice. Well, that's what I'm doing now. What the pitter is, for me, is not good enough unless there's something I haven't seen. The pitter of it, it could be called after that war poem about World War I, but maybe that would be not. Maybe that would be also inappropriate in many ways. Pitter, she's... Oh, no, I won't go there.

John Hopkins... No, I stopped that.'s... Oh, no, I won't go there. John Hopkins... She's Pitta, she's a strong... No, I stopped that. Now, now, now, I stopped it. Howie. John Hopkins. Howie, as they say in Northern Ireland. John Hopkins. Hopkins.

One of our... I would say he's... We shouldn't have favourites, but he is. Do you want to return to Hopkins? Let's give him a build-up. Yes, all the cracks are in the wrong place today, if you notice. You're out if you step on the cracks.

I think we're stepping on them left, right and centre, as I believe they say in France. Do they say centre? No. I don't think they do. Pity they've missed an opportunity to go which they love. They love it. You were in the middle I love it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

You were in the middle of an email from Hopkins. It was a tweet from Hopkins. Okay. And it was just in reference to your mention of letter openers. Oh, yes. Hopkins said, as I remember, my dad used to have a miniature brass Pirates cut bus. Nice. Oh, yes. Nice. Oh, no, I haven't seen that for a long time. In fact, have I ever seen it in the flesh or only in like Terry and June?

Journalism films where they spike it, don't they? You used to get it in Laurel and Hardy. There was a thing where someone would have it on their desk and they'd put their hat down and they'd put it down on the spike and then when they walked out the paperwork was on top of their head. It's in similar movies

to where the newspaper editor had a visor and the sleeves rolled up. Oh, I love it. Of course, the spike surely is from the same family as the paperweight, which we spoke about last week. It's a more brutal form of the paperweight. Well, as Hopkins says, there was a lot more jeopardy attached to letter opening back in the 70s.

That is true. Yes. Well it still comes with some small confrontation. 376 has given us a glimpse into her world. Hi Frank, Emily and Alan I use a letter opener when I can find it as my darling husband also

uses it and never puts it back and then they add yes a few minor spats have arisen. There's a lot in that. Yeah, people are having letter-based arguments. It's probably just as well when they get heated that they can't find a letter-up. Maybe we'd be learning about this relationship on the news

rather than in this part of the show. Simon F has got a slight variation, as he puts it, on retail intruders. Oh, yeah. Retail odd bedfellows, a.k.a. retail shotgun marriages. I never understood why shoe repairers routinely also do key cutting, but it's so established it feels normal why were these two services ever chummed together that question to frank skinner please on the panel so what are the two services again key cutting and shoe repairs yes and often they'll include a sports trophy

yes well you've got a lot of friends at Timpsons. I know you don't like to name drop, Frank. I know people who've... I know alumni of the Timpsons University where they are taught their varying trades. Oh, do you? Yeah. We're not paid by Timpsons, by the way.

No, we're not paid by Timpsons. But it is one of the companies that I am pro. I think I've discussed this before. It's a good company. Well, there's a lot going on. Can you buy a sword there? Can you help? I don't believe so.

I think that's out with the legislation. They've slipped up on that. I really don't know how those things were brought together, the key, the sports trophy, the... Shoe repair. The shoe repair. I mean, that really does feel like three men, three darts

and a large list of services that they just throw at the thing but they both smell a bit of oil they all smell a bit of oil you know what I mean it feels like a bit they're quite industrial things, keys and shoes

I think it might be that they all need some kind of vice. Is there a vice thing to it? Do you think they make vice jokes? You've got to have one vice. Do you think they say that? Yeah, call themselves the Vice Squad. Yeah. Stuff like that.

It's a poor, I mean, I love a pod, but I don't know if it should be a premise for an international chain. But there you go. I say international. Have I talked Tim Sums up a bit? I love a pod, but I don't know if it should be a premise for an international chain. But there you go. I say international. Have I talked Timsons up a bit? I don't know if you can get them overseas. No.

We'll see and find out. I sense. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Pussy said to the owl. Pussy said to the owl, pussy said to the owl. Do you think that's actually David Bowie and Freddie Mercury's fingers that are clicking? Oh. Or have they got people in to click?

Do you know, I've never thought about it like that. Could have been me, I could never thought about it like that. Could have been me. I could have had that job. Yeah. If the person who did the clicking on Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie is listening, drop us a line. I'd love to know your identity.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Beautiful. Do you know what?

I think you get more self-confident each time you do that. You know what? I was just thinking, I finally got bored by doing that. For the first 11 years, I was just thinking, I finally got bored by doing that. For the first, I've been doing it 11 years, I just, halfway through that,

I thought, don't you have, just remember it. Yeah, guys. Yeah, come on. By the way,

I mentioned the Hulk Incredible. And, the reason I mentioned the Hulk is that me and my son Buzz sat down to watch the Ang Lee version of The Hulk movie, which I'd never seen before. And you know on Sky Cinema you get ratings. Oh yeah.

It had a rating of one and a half stars. Oh, fine. That's not so good. That would normally put me off a film. Well, hang on, it depends on how many out of. Five. Oh, right. It's not great, is it? If it's out of one, then it's doing great. Yeah. What did you think?

Well, we never watch a film in one go. Who does? Too long. Oh yeah, you do it in episodes. It's a bit too long, as they say in Newcastle. So, no, it's so far, it seems okay, but I tell you what he's gone for, Ang. Ang? He's gone for the split-screen approach,

which I remember was quite big in the 70s, i.e. Woodstock, Elvis, that's the way it is, and then sort of faded away, and Ang has brought it back. The thing about Ang is... 90s or noughties, that film, isn't it? Is it? I don't

know. It's kind of slipped by me, and when I saw the one and a half, I almost let it slip by but here we are in the midst of it so far is this so far it's a goodie yeah i haven't seen it unsurprisingly no because my experience of the hulk as you call it was it will always be lufaringo was it will always be Lou Ferringo. Okay. And I don't want to see another Hulk in my lifetime.

That's harsh. No, I think that's fair enough with Lou, Big Lou. I know, but you can't play the Hulk in your old age. No. That would be terrible. The Hulk as a pensioner. Yeah, really wrinkly old Hulk. Wrinkly old, with the jeans sort of hanging off him. Well, they wouldn't be jeans, would they?

What would they be? They'd be beige slacks that they'd bought from Mail on Sunday. Oh, that they bought from what I call the I Have Given Up shop. With the folds, they're sort of all stitched in rather than needed to be ironed. Oh, no, you couldn't have that. Not the Hulk. Anyway, like I say, it seems pretty good to me so far.

He's green and angry. What do people want with their one and a half stars? Well, exactly. Can I just raise something with you two briefly? Sure. It's about a dispute I had with Jonathan Ross. Okay. It sounds name-droppy, but Frank will defend me in that he is a very old dear friend of mine.

He is. So I was with him this weekend and I was filling the kettle and he came over and said, what are you doing? What are you doing? Because I was filling it from the spout. He was so horrified by this. He was absolutely, I mean, I'd never seen anyone react like this to the act of filling the kettle.

He said, who does that? No one does that. I'm just saying I do that. A spout or not, Frank? Well, we come to a natural break here, so I'm thinking spout. What about many cliffhangers? Yeah, spout or not, discuss.

And write on both sides of the paper, please. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we left it on a kettle cliffhanger. Yes. I was filling the kettle via the spout. Jonathan, my friend, said this was the most awful thing he'd ever seen. And he was stunned. It really bothered him.

He said, why would anyone do that? I said, I need, we had a bit of an argument. I said, it's filled it to four cups worth that's all i need yeah well my thing is there are some things in life you don't want to know about i don't need knowledge of everything and if you've ever looked inside a kettle there's too much debris and the idea that i'm drinking that that's going into my it's always flaking off the sides this is lime scale it looks like a well-deserved workshop down there it's oh man it's it's really it's it's i'm guessing a bit like dinosaur skin look like

very gray and and and cracked and just swishing about in the bottom and I don't want to know about that I like it sometimes if there's a bit in my tea I think oh a bit of sustenance food I'll just chew on that it's like drinking out of a cave

but don't you agree that but don't you agree there is a sort of brutalist industrial landscape within the innards of the kettle? I just don't want to see it there. I don't want to see the sort of furry element. And as Altra Martinus points out,

filling from the spout dislodges the build-up of sediments in the filter, hence pro-spout. Yeah, sure it does. You just tell yourself that, mate. Look, we are drinking strange mineral deposits every time we have a cup of tea or coffee. Just live with that. Also, if you fill up from the top,

you've got a kettle in one hand, the lid of the kettle in the other hand, and then you've got to move the top, you've got a kettle in one hand, the lid of the kettle in the other hand, and then you've got to move the taps, and you start thinking, what am I, in the circus? Exactly. I mean, you're all right. You're a juggler by trade. Yeah, exactly, but it's not for everyone, is it? No, I don't agree with Jonathan Ross on that.

It's rare I disagree with him, but we really did have quite a fallout, and I ended up doing quite personal saying, why does it matter to you so much? Oh, don't do that. Well, a very good friend of mine who used to work in hotels. In what capacity? I'm a bit worried here. As a cleaner.

Oh, good. And she said that she was told, she was told by the management. What was that? Alan said, what a relief. Yeah. She was told that what you do when you go into a room that's just been vacated, use the towels, the dirty towels, to dry out the inside of the kettle again another relief there

that's gross you're joking no that was her instruction so they dry out the inside with the towels I'm afraid I heard something on a podcast am I allowed to recommend another podcast which I don't know if I'm allowed

Angela Barnes do you imagine I care know if I'm allowed Angela Barnes do you imagine I care Angela Barnes I'm a fan of so yeah she and John O'Farrell do a brilliant podcast called We Are History

and I learnt via their podcast that the late Robert Maxwell I'm not even going to say you'll have to listen to the brilliant podcast but he used

towels regularly it didn't look like he used towels that instead of a loo paper oh no i'm not happy i'm not happy with that yeah oh dear i apologize yeah that's terrible let's hope they're never gone inside the kettle. No, not over to him. It's the break time. It's the fans as a period.

I've left it on the towels and Robert Max. I'm sorry. I know, it's a terrible way to go out. People are eating. I'm sorry. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Sorry.

I'd like to bring your attention to a gentleman called Rob Greenfield, who's 35 years old and has made the news this week for having just 44 possessions in a little backpack. Oh, yes. And he's made the papers as being a minimalist, which is one of those words that, like, five years ago I would have thought it was cool, but now I think it's possibly quite annoying.

A bit like professor or scientist. I like that it annoys you. Yeah. It's a bit annoying, isn't it? Like, you know, they think they're great, but... Anyway, he's got 44 possessions and he lives out of a backpack

and people think it's worthy of... It's an article with a lot of flat lays, you know those photographs where people put things down and then take a picture from above. Oh yes. Yeah, it's one of those. His rule of thumb

was anything I haven't used for six months. That's right. The six-month chuck-out rule. Oh, God, there goes my Christmas jumpers. There goes my Doctor Who VHSes. Well, you have to be careful what season you do this on, don't you? It used to be. It's't you? It used to be. It's got strict.

It used to be anything you haven't worn for a year, you should throw away. It used to be the rule. Tightening on that one. I mean, we should say this character. I quite liked him. He travels around the country barefoot. Barefeet, barefooted.

Frank Skinner. Barefeeted. I'm happy with barefoot. Okay. Barefoot. He kept one pair of sandals in his backpack. Frank Skinner. Bare feeted. I'm happy with barefoot. Okay. Barefoot. He kept one pair of sandals in his backpack. He's embracing the Nazarene lifestyle.

He is a bit. Yeah, I suppose. But, I mean, you couldn't do that in England, could you? You couldn't just walk around barefoot in the UK. No. No, I mean, you know, on the pavements and things. Awful. No. No, I mean, you know, we're on the pavements and things. Awful. Yeah. He did say he has a backpack, guys,

and there are 12 clothing items. I mean, 12. Yeah. I take 12 pairs of shoes for a week in Malta with the world's strongest men. Of course you do. I couldn't cope with that. 12 clothing items and no deodorant that i could

see on the list just saying is that right what he said he bathes in um lakes yeah i mean i thought i once um when i lived in a bed seat in harbour in bir. I remember lying on the floor one night, starfish style, and I was able to touch everything I owned. I couldn't do that now. But what happened is I'd moved several times in a short period of time, and every time I'd moved,

I'd look at the stuff i was carrying out and thought it's what i call the uh based form of minimalizing i'd look at someone to pick up and think oh i'm not taking that again so everywhere i left i left some of my possessions and in the end i did get down to an absolute minimum I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, it's not great for the retail industry if we all start living like this

Well he also has one he also carries a postcard of Gandhi Mahatma, not David and he uses it, I would carry David, I would have a postcard of David in a dog chink of batter

that would be the first thing in my backpack yeah postcard of Gandhi that would be that's he said is his favourite item that he had that would be great

wouldn't it if he was on Desert Island Dis what's your luxury item could I have a postcard of Gandhi well you're a cheap date. Yes, you can.

I wanted to ask for six silver napkin rings because it was like the luxury item. And they said it wasn't in the spirit of the show. Spirit of the show. Spirit of the show, they think they are. Robinson Crusoe. Spirit of the show. Spirit of the show, who do you think they are?

Dr. on the Magic? Robinson Crusoe. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Rob Greenfield. Yeah. He's an itinerant, isn't he? He travels around everywhere, doesn't he? That's not named, Cole. Come on. Well, I mean, he doesn't have a house. That's one of the things he's an itinerant, isn't he? He travels around everywhere, doesn't he? That's not named, Cole.

Come on. Well, I mean, he doesn't have a house. That's one of the things he's got rid of. Wherever he lays his hat would be his home, but he doesn't even have a hat. He doesn't have a hat, Rob. Oh, man, I thought he'd have kept one hat. No, not even a fez.

He has one backpack, Frank, which looks like it could do with a clean. And one pair of socks. One, sandals. He's of socks one sandals socks and sandals he's got socks yeah i'm going right off this guy he's at least they're matching socks yeah i'll give him that good credit he also amongst his essential items and we should say there are only a handful of there's five clothing items two pairs of underpants. Two? No comment. He also has nail clippers,

floss, that's relief, soap. Now this is what I like as one of the essentials. Lavender for relaxation. Wow. I mean, come on. Couldn't he pick that up on the way? Just go via a lavender.

It's the first time I've heard of a gentleman of the road, as my father used to call them, carrying lavender for relaxation. Now that is a strange I mean if you're really really keeping everything down it's an odd. So why do you need to be

relaxed? I mean where's the stress coming from? Which socks shall I wear today? Busy day in the bushes. Which friend shall I visit for dinner? Yeah, and what does he do for food? I'll tell you exactly what he does. He has a

campfire. Yeah, but you can't eat a campfire. You've got to cook something on it. Or does he inhale smoke no but he must go foraging in woodland oh yeah he has got um he has got like a laptop and a phone maybe he's doing like online food orders deliver room deliver i mean foraging i mean what do you mean stealing no that's what the local farmers call him, Rob Greenfield. That's where he's getting his vegetables.

Yeah, Rob Myfield. Exactly. I think that was my joke. Oh, was it? I'm sorry. I mean, come on. I get it. There are certain rules that comedians must abide by.

I get it, though. Oh, my God. I feel... Even worse than that, I didn't get it loudly. Oh man. Is it over? Is this bit over? Because I feel sick.

This was like when I did Just a Minute and I was talking about Greyfriars Bobby not actually being a true story about his loyalty to his master.

And I said, I'm Bobby Charlatan, I call him. And Paul Merton said, didn't he play for Manchester United and got a big laugh well obviously

that was the joke oh I see okay well come on anyway we've all had a drink no one here has had a drink

so we don't know what he eats but he has them on a bonfire he has them on a bonfire I tell you what he did he let slip Rob Greenfield. He let slip, he said,

because he was obviously asked this by the journalist, you know, what do you do when you need to wash clothes or, you know, presumably one man cannot always wash clothes by rocking stream alone. Of course. So he said, oh, occasionally I'll crash at a friend's. Oh, no. I'll use their cooking and washing facilities.

Yeah. No, but that friend is surely another item. That's item number 45. I mean, I think what he's saying is, I like to live a non-materialistic lifestyle whilst friends are paying for the bills. Oh, I don't mean you. Being a bit hard on Rob Greenfield. You probably let some

have a look at his Gandhi postcard. I can I say I actually thought Rob Greenfield was stunning. Look at you. Yes, very handsome. I do. He's got a history as a

womaniser it says. It doesn't say that. That'll be why I like, I do. He's got a history as a womaniser, it says. It doesn't say that. That'll be why I was attracted to him. If that was true, there'd be other things amongst his 44 items. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I will say this about the old Rob Greenfield article.

There's a photograph of him in there that's taken from below his feet. So you can see his face sort of peering over a pair of feet. And when I first glanced at that picture, I thought, oh, God, that would be embarrassing if he had a verruca. And he has. You can see a verruca on the picture. Oh, I don't know be embarrassing if he had a Veruca. And he has. You can see a Veruca on the picture. Oh, I don't know if I'd recognise a Veruca. He sure he hadn't just stood on chewing gum.

You can recognise it. It's not some old friend of yours. It's got a little white dot on there, really. I'll tell you what I did the other night. When I was at Measure for Measure, I did that thing of... I was sitting at the front upstairs, so I watched a lot of the play with my elbows on the rail. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I love that. Do you know what that is, Frank? It's very National Theatre, sort of theatre critic. I like. Give the old neck a rest. It was great. Oh, man, I love that. I want to get those seats all the time if I can.

Front row in the circle. Does he have any sort of music? Does he have an iPod or anything of that nature? No. Maybe his computer and phone are there. He has a laptop. He has a laptop. He has a laptop.

Where's he plugged that in? Mate's house. Yeah. He's got a lead that's 7,000 miles on his charger. Well, what he says is that

he practised, he decided not, he ditched his phone. Right. I suspect he has one for emergencies. But he did it by, he practised keeping it in a drawer. He weaned himself off the phone by keeping it in a drawer he weaned himself off the phone by keeping it in a drawer for a day at a time i mean because part of his whole thing is it's not just traveling light for practical purposes it's also a whole ethos isn't it it's

about being materialistic and it's about whittling down you know know, it's essentially how much... You can't have electric things that you have to plug in. Once you've got a stereogram... Do you remember those stereograms? Massive wooden things that had, like, speaker at each end and then a record player. Yes. Oh, man, they were...

Everyone had one. It was part of the furniture. Mm-hm. It was furniture of the furniture. Mm-hm. It was furniture. So, essentially, how much land does a man need is the principle here, isn't it? Yes. Well, it's...

I can see that. I need more than Rob. It's like when you see, for example, George Clooney in an advert and you think, how much money does a man need? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Have you seen the new johnny depp walk

plays guitar in the desert and then walks with wolves perfume advert yes i mean they say comedy is dead i don't think i've laughed at any anything that much on the telly for 20 years. Honestly. Where's his friends? Where's his friends saying, Johnny, we need to talk, mate. I mean, looking all really moody, you know,

followed with some wolves, having a walk. It's a wolf. Left the guitar just lying on the dirt. Litter. Yeah? Oh, man. I hope he didn't take those wolves out of the country

without sorting out the... Well, I have to say, Johnny lost you at Wolves. Yeah, exactly. So, look, by the way, I'd like to thank Tash Skinner of the Radish Soap Company for sending me some soap, which smells... I haven't opened the thing, but it smells lovely. I'm a big fan of soap.

So there you go. She's the Radish Soap... Also the idea from Rob Greenfield. Yeah, but he doesn't use much in the lake. You're allowed to use soap in a lake. That's an old question I wish I'd asked earlier. I feel that could be a rich vein of debate. The old soap in a lake.

Oh, no, you never see bubbles on the Ganges when they're in there, like, washing things and stuff. Johnny Depp doesn't look like he's a big fan of soap. Johnny Depp looks like he's only a big fan of one thing. And that would be Johnny Depp. Anyway, thanks for listening to us. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now get out.