The Frank Skinner Show - Car Tongs

Episode Date: January 21, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank has been shopping with Pierre and has had a difficult maths week. The team also discuss office treats, early sunglasses and sad-faced dogs.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and what's his name again? Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Here's a question. Here is a question. I read a good positive reference to the Umberto Eco novel, Naming of the Rose.

I thought, I'll read that. Sounds good. Give my love to the 90s. Yeah. So I got three pages in and thought, oh, for goodness sake. How long, how many pages is a justifiable abandonment for a book? Do you ever figure where you think, oh, I've got to give it a chance, 20, 50, 3, I know it's at the sharp end.

May I ask, and I will, what was it that made you abandon the book? I think I might have actually said Outload, and I was reading it in bed. I think I actually said, oh, blah, blah, blah. And it felt, you know, it's got religion and history. It felt like it was absolutely up my strata. It's got you written all over it.

Was there a particular passage where you just... It's got capital U written all over it because of Umberto oh god pardon was there a sort of turn of phrase

or a particular description where you just went never again and held it at the wall I think I was just thinking oh get on with it you just get on with it do you see

the youth these days they don't have the attention span no you get it with youth but then obviously when you get older you don't have time you don't have the attention span? No, you get it with youth, but then obviously when you get older, you don't have time. I'll tell you what I have it with.

I don't want the doctor to say you've got six weeks left and I think, oh God, I spent four days on that naming of the rose rubbish. I could have used that more constructively. I tell you, I always find it whenever I go into a book and by page two, they're still telling me about the landscape and the weather. I'm out. Yeah. I am out.

No Thomas Hardy for you. Oh, no, I like a bit of Hardy. Really? Well, I know what's coming, in fairness. I just think this is the necessary tax I have to pay to get to the good bits going on about the trees. But I cannot bear overly descriptive landscape stuff. I like people.

It's like when you're reading a biography of someone and they start to tell you about when their grandparents first moved to London. You think, oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not going... I didn't buy this book to read about somebody I'd never heard of. Well, you did a brilliant thing with your first-order biography where you said at the beginning...

I noticed Frank responding to you did a brilliant thing. He liked that. You said, look, I'm not going to waste time here because I hate it when that happens in books. I'm going straight into where I get famous. Yes, and then I wrote about my childhood fright. What I did is I jumped backwards and forwards, so I gave them a bit of showbiz pap.

Yes. Because that's what they want. I think something that some other comedians I know agreed with, with comedians' know agreed with that with comedians autobiographies there's always a bit that we always felt

was missing it's sort of a chapter would end and they go and that was the story of my first gig and you go oh great

go to the next chapter so live at the Apollo I was headlining you go no no how did you get between the two no yeah

I think I covered that you did yeah I did that. You did, yeah. I did. That was to your credit. But you're not helping me with this. What's the minimum amount of pages? Well, I mean... Do you ever use the 69 method?

There is an American... What are you doing? There's an American thing that if you're buying a book, you read... 8.10am. You read page 69. Oh, you do. And by then, the author is in their full flow

and the story is hanging. So if you... Will you stop it? Honestly, it's like working with Jim Davidson. You could have chosen any number. I didn't choose the number. It's a method with Jim Navid. You could have chosen any number. I didn't choose the number. It's a method. So you go.

That's the problem. Em's puffing on a Hamlet. I simply cannot. I can't work in these conditions. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from some of our lovely readers. We've had some love for your poetry podcast, Frank. Really?

Yeah. It's not out yet. Well, Andy Howell says, I dreamed the other night I was making a poetry podcast. We've all got dreams. This is Andy Howell. Yeah. Then I woke up, looked on Spotify and found Frank Skinners.

Really enjoying this voyage of discovery, inspiration, paper rustling and honesty. Thank you. Fabulous. I know we don't do praise, but the poetry podcast doesn't count. I'm telling you, there's a new series coming out very soon. I'll keep you posted for anyone who gives a... That's why you...

No, you could dip the sound. You see, that's why you like poetry. Because, I mean, with a few exceptions, I give you The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, etc. But you don't have this where do I stop, what page am I out issue Issue. Quite so often. It's interesting that because if I read a poetry book I would

probably read 25 pages before I threw the towel in. So you give more leeway to the poetry book. Yeah I don't know why that is. Because maybe they're in little chunks so you can sort of you could quickly throw one aside and go...

Well, the N's in sight. Yeah. He likes to know the N's in sight. Yeah, but if you write a poem that's a page-turner, that's probably a bad review. But Echo, Echo, he does that. Echo! Does Echo Umberto write...

Is he still around, Echo? I don't think so, no. No, OK. OK. He'll be back. God. Imagine if you were friends with him. Frank, can you please stop making those silly puns?

I'm trying to... I'm a serious author. Exactly. I don't think you would have been a good friend for him. Oh, no, I would have stood up for him in any circumstances. I'd have been a sort of an echo warrior. This is why you can't be friends with these people. No, exactly. It's difficult.

We've also heard from David Coldley. Oh, yes. Who has enclosed, I don't know if one says enclosed anymore, but he's attached, I should say, a picture of you with Christopher Eccleston. Oh, yes. A new big Finnish Doctor Who audio drama with Frank. Does this mean Perkins is back?

Do tell Frank, because I know how much Emily loves to hear you talk about Doctor Who. Yes, I should say that Perkins was the character I played in the TV manifestation of Doctor Who. But this is a completely different character. It's an old sort of brommy bloke busy body type yeah but i did get to work yeah the woman said i wrote this part with you in mind she actually did since the writer was there yeah it's always a mixed uh feeling but it was great to work with uh the ninth doctor obviously

how exciting yeah and at the end they interviewed me with him in the room saying what's it like you know working with christopher eccleston oh and i ended up i thought i was playing it very cool i hadn't said anything to him today like oh my god i've never done any of that and then i it all just flowed out and And he was sort of going, oh, thanks, that's lovely. Well, I've got a quote here from the director. Oh, yeah. As soon as Chris and Frank met, they hit it off. And you could see the mutual respect and admiration.

He got his autograph book out, embarrassing. Which was lovely to be around. Frank did admit to his Doctor Who passion. Chris is such a humble guy and he understands the love and affection people have for it. Understands. A load-bearing verb there. He copes with it well.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from David Brackley, who says, hi, Frank and team. I once ditched a book on the first page. It was written by an American. I can't remember who or what book. Oh, God. I love that story. But they were setting the scene in London and they mentioned punkers on the street corner. They meant punks.

Oh. Lazy. Oh, somebody should have. Exclamation point. Somebody should have checked that. Good day, prisoner 666. Yeah. Sorry, Frank, about prisoner 666. Punkers have checked that. Good day, Prisoner 666. Yeah. Sorry, Frank, about Prisoner 666.

Ponkers. Ponkers. Not good enough. That would make me out. Yeah. There's a job that, well, not a full-time job, but you can be hired as a sort of consultant. Ponkerwalla, you're going to say. Ponkerwalla. You can be hired as a consultant to

get British things correct in American-made stuff in comic books and things, where they sort of go, oh, well, we want this graphic novel to be set in a sort of Harry Potter-style school, but we don't know. We're in Iowa, so we don't know how anyone should sound.

And it avoids that terrible thing where you watch something set in the UK but written by Americans, where people go, core blimey you know Dick Van Dyke You know when you go have you ever done stand up in another

country you have? When you get there often you corner a local and say can I just go through a few things in my act I'm not sure if they use the same word here. So I did that in canada i went to the montreal festival and it turned out the guy i did it with he was in a group of people and he

just seemed a friendly guy so i asked him and he sat and we went through it was uh a trudeau oh um i'm i'm wondering now if it's the guy who's in power now it was related to pierre and margaret yes and uh yeah we went to because i remember i didn't know and somebody said to me you know he's like a true down i said get out of here and then later someone said uh i was in mosc blah, blah, blah. And he said, oh, yeah, I've been to Moscow. And they said, oh, what hotel did you stay in? And he said, no, I didn't.

I stayed at the Kremlin. So I think he was. That was handy. I'm going to tell you something. Me and, I haven't told Emily about this, me and Pierre had a bit of a boys' outing after the show last week. Because I had a Liberties voucher. Now, I should explain that Liberties is a shop, a posh shop in London.

It's not a voucher with which you can take liberties. I mean, that would be a dangerous gift, wouldn't it? Not so bad for a non-drinker like myself. It reminded me, though, when I was a kid, a common phrase was people would say, well, that is a diabolical liberty. People often said that. It's gone.

It's gone. Why have people, yeah, people have ditched her. It's too long, isn't it? Do you think, it's too complicated. I don't know, it's not going to drop into text speak very easily, is it? D, B, L. Devil emoji, Statue of Liberty emoji. Exactly.

They don't like spellings these days exactly they don't like spellings these days they don't like spellings back in the day of course on bullseye they even had it

as a category do you remember spellings diabolical liberty no they had spellings and wasn't it called words

words and they had instead of maths they had sums oh really they did

numbers is what it was called it was called. It was called Numbus. And best of all, the geography... Have you ever seen Bullseye? I've seen clips. What was geography like?

The geography was called places. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I'm picturing the two of you wandering up to Liberties. I had... I'd given Pierre sort of instructions, hadn't I, as you left, as we said our goodbyes outside Absolute Radio.

Yeah. A sort of... It was quite the start of an epic quest. Yes. Well, he took... Polonius, he became very responsible, Pierre. He's got that in him. Because I'm old and stooped, and he's like a sort of Conan the Barbarian,

he became very sort of advisory. Oh. So I had a £100 voucher. Now the way I spend the voucher is the way some people put petrol in a car. I like it on the zero. I don't want this, oh you've got £2

left, no. Not frank. And no top ups. No, no I'm not adding. That's the whole joy of a voucher is you don't have to get your hand in your pocket so anyway did you find it okay I was concerned oh god your directions were

perfect you went through the back entrance with the confectionery I did oh it's a lot of I walk into the perfume bit yeah I don't breathe in the perfume bit it feels like you're having something tested on you. Oh, yeah. So, let's get through the

perfume. I mean, you've lost me here, obviously. Anyway. Well, you don't want it in that kind of intensity. I do, anyway. So, yeah, it's... Where did you, which department? Well, I wanted sunglasses.

That was my thing. My sunglasses have all been broken in various ways. And so I found a pair. Oh. 65 quid. Oh. And I said, OK, I'm going to get these. And Pierre said, I'm not sure about...

I'm not sure about daughter I'm not sure about tortoiseshell. And I said, no, I like tortoiseshells good. As I said, it goes with my teeth. And he said to the guy, I'm not going to keep doing the accent. One more. Okay. Is this your full range of sunglasses and the man said we got a few

downstairs as well he said to me so he said right we'll go and have a look down i said no i like these i said this is i said this is the way i shop i don't go looking around and um he said uh And he said, in the end, Pierre made me put them behind the counter. Yeah. So that we could go downstairs and look at them. Because of all the queues of people lining up to take that one pair of tortoiseshell glasses. It was busy in the British. Okay. And so you went downstairs.

So we went to, by the way, tortoiseshell frames. That's just a term. They're not actually made from a carapace, are they? Not these days. Has somebody styled a carapace? Perhaps back in the day. Polished. I wonder.

I think they were. One can imagine, I don't know, the original sort of Duke of Windsor perhaps having one of those. I'd say I'd like a pair of beets with two intact carapaces, one on each ear. That'd look cool, wouldn't it? Or just sort of, you'd look like you were in the Flintstones. Yeah, exactly. Sort of pop its head out and say, it's a living.

Oh no, it'd have to be dead ones. I wouldn't want to. He's got standards. Yeah, and also, that'd to be dead ones. I wouldn't want to. He's got standards. Yeah, and also, that'd be like mufflers. The flesh muffled the sound. One thing I love about Liberties and other highly relatable content, what Liberties has, if anyone's ever been there,

it's got this rather majestic gone-with-the-wind staircase, which is unusual for a department store, a mahogany staircase. Yes, we swept down that, didn't we? We swept off it and then we swept down here. Of course, it wouldn't have been a very big stretch 30 years ago for me to have actually been sweeping it. But now there I am spending my vachere.

So we went downstairs and fair play I did see a pair I liked there how much? £65 in the sale what ok what's happening with the 35? well

well I'll come to that you'd like these they're completely black they're very only a little only very not a carapace in sight. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute Radio. I wanted to know, well, I've got two questions. Firstly, what did you spend the £35 left over from your £100 Liberty voucher on? left over from your £100 Liberty voucher on. Wow. Can you mention, can you just imagine the anxiety of me walking around there with that £35 non-ex? I don't like having any. I'm thinking, what if I can't find anything?

Also, Pierre's still going on about the sunglasses at this point. What's he saying? I'm not against tortoise shell in principle. But it's not that light. I don't like that light tortoiseshell this is it the the contrast between the light and the dark parts of tortoiseshell was almost a camo effect and i was against that i'm i'm with you i'm no idea i was taking a sort of a ticking time bomb into the shop what i I like about my characterisation is that it's the difference between the inner and the outer.

In my head, I was playing a sort of grand vizier role. My liege, if I might. These spectacles, whereas obviously externally, it was like when we were on tour and people assumed I was your bodyguard. Yeah. They sort of look at me nervously before getting a photo.

It was a bit sort of like John Gilgut Arthur's butler or something. Did you, you see I worry that they were, you see I'm with you can I just ask you something, back in a sec Frank, were they a sort of slightly unfortunate khaki coloured tortoiseshell? I don't like a tortoiseshell

veering towards the sludge colour. No, it was the lighter part was that colour and then the rest was as dark as you'd expect. It was a bit G.I. Joe. A little. Okay, back to you, Frank. Okay.

I just thought brown eyes, because I've got brown eyes, I thought tortoiseshell was a good... Anyway, that went. I ended up with sunglasses that were as black as midnight on a moonless night, as Agent Cooper once said in Twin Peaks, of his coffee, in fact. I like the idea that people have to buy sunglasses to match their eyes. Well, you've got to match them to summer. Now you've got black eyes.

I'm not buying grey sunglasses all the time to match the rest of me. I'm not buying grey sunglasses all the time to match the rest of me. So anyway, I saw an orange beanie hat. Sorry, what's happened? And it said on it... Had Pierre left? No. I'd spent my opinion voucher on the glasses. Understand.

Didn't you have any left on your opinion voucher? No, I got it up to the maximum anyway it says on it it says on it made from recycled merino wool oh jose and i thought i don't want to be picky but it's all wool every woolen hat is recycled, isn't it? It was on a sheep originally. They don't shave a beanie directly off a sheep, not deliberately. So, you know, I didn't pick them up on that. But I'll tell you what I thought was an interesting question.

I sent to the lady on the counter, because by now I'd got me a 35-quid hat. I was happy. I went said to the lady on the counter because by now i'd got me 35 quid hat i was happy i went up to the camp you bought this yeah oh dear and i said do you um i've got it in my pocket actually do you wanna do you wanna see it i guess see what you think i wish you had the glasses as well though yeah i should have bought the glasses wouldn't I hold on I've got my headphones on it's tricky what do you think this is right this is what radio

is all about well I think we should put this up because on social media okay I'll put it on social media do you know what

you look so happy in it that's I think that's that's important yeah but anyway I said to the lady, no, I'll tell you after this

because the producer's getting uppity. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Nafeli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Morning again. So I said... To the Liberty Lady. Yeah, so I said to the man who stood at the gate of the sorry I think that was a New Year's speech from George VI anyway

so if anyone knows that let me know I think that's right gate of the year actually it would be more even when it went out live I think it sounded like that yes just his voice

so I sent to the lady at Liberties in case you've just tuned in I was spending the remaining £35 of my voucher that someone had given me. And I said, do you have the same respect for voucher spenders as people who are spending their own money?

Because obviously people spending their own money have come to this shop by choice. Yes. To pay £180 for a cowboy shirt. Yeah. Well, I did like, don't bring up the cowboy shirt. What happened? Oh, he didn't.

I said to him, after I'd paid, I said, now get me out of here as fast as you can, ideally with your hands over my eyes, because what I don't want to see is something I could have bought. And they had, it was called a western over shirt, very sort of fancy material. Heavy embroidery on the sort of shoulder.

You know, you know, you know what a western, yeah. I know exactly what you mean. And it was reduced in the same. Was it a bit achy breaky? It was a bit, yeah. But anyway, that was, it's no good crying over spilt silk.

No. That's what I always say. No. I bodyguarded you out of there without... Yeah, you did. ...letting you look at any Western over shirts. Yeah, I was... You did the right thing, yeah.

I saw a new side of Pierre, though. He was very... Did you? Very administrative. Yes was very administrative. Yes, I see. I think you'd be a good person to go shopping with. I'm very targeted in a very stereotypically male way, I think. It's like, go in, this is the object we're buying.

No, but that's what I do, and then you made me put it behind the counter. Yeah, that's true. It was a diabolical liberty. Oh, what else? Well, I'm afraid. Don't be afraid. I'm locked out of our content.

Oh, are you? So I can't access the outside. The outside world is a closed shop to me temporarily. Well, then I'll run something. Go on. I'll run something by you. I live near a large patch of land called Hampstead Heath. I know it well.

And it's beautiful and perfect for dog walkers. And I combine the dog walk with the school run. It all works very neatly. But it's incredibly muddy at the moment. I mean, phenomenally muddy. And the dog, my dog is beige. Would you say it's beige? I think I would say it's beige.

What colour would you say it is? I think it's got a lovely sort of fawn. Maybe fawn. My dog is beige has a very adult language course sample sentence quality to it. Repeat it after me. My dog is beige. Then you have to say, my dog is beige.

I would say Very good It's a sort of Taupe Oh I don't know what that is Let's stick with fawn Anyway Beige I'm sticking with

So I When I take in on the heath It's very very muddy In recent times And when I get back home The whole lower part Do you know that shortbread That's Not coated in chocolate but dipped?

Yes. So the lower half is chocolate. Yeah, that's what the dog looks like. Right, yeah. I mean, absolutely mud plastered. So we have an external hose, don't we, Pierre? Yes. And so I have a hose by the front door absolutely diabolical

and so I hose the dog down before I take her in but it's quite difficult because when you're doing the undercarriage underneath the dog obviously if you miss the water goes on to passers-by. Yes, you're in a sort of a farcical scenario. Yeah, where you're firing water at people walking past. And they look, happily, the dog's face is the saddest dog face any dog's ever had. So they go, what the? Aww. Kat thinks, my partner thinks, that she might actually be depressed, the dog.

The dog? She says she's depressed just because she's got that sad face thing. I mean, that's not a symptom, is it? Having a sort of sad, wet face. Having a sad face. It's not always wet. It's not a sort of emoji-based condition. No, exactly. But she'll say, look at her.

Do you think she's depressed? No. She's one of those sad-faced dogs that you get. That's why we bought her, so we could go, aw. You're just a sad-faced dog is a great country song title. You're just a sad-faced dog. And you keep hanging round and sitting on that log

when you should be on the ground. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Go on then. So I just wondered, this week it was frosty. A white frost. And it's great, the dog doesn't get dirty at all. Perfect. But does it have little sort of icicles forming on its fur,

like when a dog runs through snow and it gets... No, I don't. You've got to pick those out sometimes. Yeah. Now, this one, there was a moment when... I don't want to go into too much grim detail, but she did what we used to call her business. And then, you know where they scoot?

Yes. Oh, yes. And that sort of scooting thing that they do. It's the sort of shake a tail feather thing. They sort of pull herself along on the ground. And she was pulling, and suddenly leapt up, and I realised that she'd pulled her bottom directly onto a frozen bottle of ice.

It was a real, whoa! But on a hot day, imagine. Oh, that'd be lovely. But you don't get many frozen bottles of ice on a hot day. But if anyone's got any life hacks for how to avoid the dirty dog things it is a pack I mean I'm on the walk I've seen people who put their dogs in onesies and stuff

but I'm not doing it it's different than you just cleaning a onesie yeah exactly you're just adding to the problem yeah but what I'd do is I'd leave that just somewhere in the house and open the Cathwood Cleaning but with the dog

you can't just leave it over a banister. No, it's a mobile. It's a mobile jumping on white sofas, if we had any white sofas. I don't have a hose, but what I do, I lay down towels for my dog when he enters. Oh, that is a Walter Raleigh. Yes. Do you expect to be rewarded for this? But he knows now. He goes straight to the towel. I say, go on your towel.

Do you know, you're a Henry VIII enthusiast. Do you know that one of the jobs he had on some of the ceremonial occasions when he was a boy, when his dad, Henry VII seventh was king would he'd be the towel holder for the king so the king you know you know you wipe your hands in your mouth mid-meal like so henry'd be standing there with the towel what like a coach in a boxing ring yeah so he'd have a big piece of chicken and say, come here, H, and then wipe his hands, give him the towel back. Oh, God. Great.

I like that. Do you think he also helped him select sunglasses? No, I don't think he did. I don't know when sunglasses was invented. Pierre will know that. I know that they had well I mean aviators come from Second World War

who wore the first they must be older than you they might have made evil sort of wooden ones or something do you think anyone in

oh I'd love that frame very hard to see through solid wood well they had glass I mean there's that bit in I'd love to see early sunglasses

there's little round smoked glass things in Victorian times. In Shakespeare's King Lear, he says, what do you have there, boy? And he says, nothing. And he says, ah, well, if it is nothing, I shall not need my spectacles. And everyone goes, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, but so he's got spectacles. You can't do a spectacles joke if you don't have spectacles. No. People would have booed. Can we please, if anyone... What are spectacles? Would have come from the, what do they call the cheap seats? The groundlings.

The groundlings, yeah. What are spectacles exactly? There'll be a footnote if, will you wait? There'll be a footnote at the end. What's a footnote if will you wait there'll be a footnote at the end what's a footnote will you I'll have you thrown out we've had

a lot of response to the photograph of you wearing your new orange beanie. Okay. Bought, I should add, just as a little footnote, with the remaining £35 on your Liberty Gift voucher. By the way, you asked me off-air what make the sunglasses were. Oh, yeah.

And? Cubits. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Okay. No. Seem nice. How long is a cubit, Pierre? Oh, I don't know. Oh, you don't know? I don't know. Why don't you know? I can't believe that.

These biblical measurements. Well, we're getting responses, Frank, to your hat. A lot of people like it. Oh, that's good, then. Yeah, so... See, I can't wear many hats because I've got a terrible, distended,

domed, Mekon head. And so I couldn't, I can't wear like a bowler or something. I'm not saying I'd wear a bowler around town. If you could. But a woolen hat's obviously got a bit of gear in it.

Yes, it can adapt to even the harshest head environment. Oh, God, a merino. A merino will extend. David Parker. David Parker, yes. Has said MBE, member of the beanie empire. Mmm. I could call it my beanie experience. I could call it

My Beanie Experience. Yes. And if you don't mind me just running with that, we're riffing together Davey, you know, in a jazz club. You've played one theme and then I'm embroidering it.

Yeah. That's alright. I'm not claiming it wasn't his original idea, the MBE. We've been also, you know, I've become rather obsessed with this idea of the early sunglasses. Mm. And I found some lovely examples of, I believe, it was a Roman emperor, I think it might have been Nero, who used to use an emerald to look through the sun.

Wow. To shield his eyes from the sun. To watch gladiator fights, apparently. What do you think of that, Frank? Well, and I thought 65 quid was expensive for sunglasses. Can you imagine something more decadent than going, well, these men are fighting to death for my pleasure, but could I watch it through a gem?

Perhaps I could watch this through some jewellery. Maybe there was a big, a really big gladiator, and he said, you know, he looks a bit like the Incredible Hulk. Have you got an emerald anyone got an emerald you'll see what I mean oh yeah look at that now look at that that's it that is the incredible Hulk I mean talk about separated at birth no we haven't talked about that yet behind us oh sorry I thought we'd already talked if that was the last thing you saw before you met your demise. A giggling man with an emerald pressed to his face.

A lunatic in a room. Pushing your thumb down at you. I wonder if he held it or if he managed to sort of monoculise it and squint it in. Very early Batman villain vibes. Did he have an emerald holder?...and squint it in. Very early Batman villain vibes. Did he have an emerald holder?

Maybe for the sad bits in the fights. He would whip out the violin. Yes. The hero. With the monocled emerald in the eye at the same time. The cartoon sadness noise. Yes. I don't think you've got the cartoon sadness noise. Yes.

This was before the solo piano, of course, of Britain's Got Talent. It was the neurotic fiddle that they had the back sadness with. Frank, I don't know if you saw this in the news, but it could be relevant to us here in the studio. Especially since during the festive season, we had so many wonderful treats brought in by the producers and by ourselves. Are you aware of Professor Susan Jebb? No. Well, you should be because she's the food czar. Oh, the fun spoiler. Yeah.

And like a czar, she has made a tyrannical statement. Like a czar, touch for the very first time. Do you think someone covered that in Russia and called it a... Like a czar. I don't like the civil service. Deposed for the very first time. Like a great big Romanov Tsar. In a shed somewhere.

In a tragic tale. All right, Madonsky. We've got it. Sorry. I'm just saying, I don't like the way the civil service has sort of... Sybil service? Sybil. Oh, OK.

Did I say Sybil? I think you said Sybil. I don't think I did. OK. I like the idea of the Sybil service. It's sort of a Fawlty Towers feel to it. No, I was just going to say, I think... I don't like the way they've appropriated

the Tsar title. Because, as you say, it's sort of Russian monarchs and it's very glamorous and it's staring at people through emeralds as eyeglasses. Don't bring your lanyards and your HR into this, baby. No, I and your whiteboards.

Why do we say czar? Because if someone had said, well I'm the government's food Caesar. You'd go, you what? Yeah. Like I call myself occasionally, and with irony, the poetry czar. Yeah.

But I could have gone for Nabob. Sultan. Emperor. I'm the satrap for Nabob or Sultan. Emperor. Yeah. I'm the satrap of crisps or something. What? I know that one.

Where's that one from? A satrapy is like a sort of princely realm that's granted and is removed upon your death, I think. It's a sort of administrative thing. You don't get to inherit a satrapy. You're given it. Okay. Yeah. Anyway. There you go. Back to the story't get to inherit a satrapy. You're given it. Okay. Yeah. Anyway.

There you go. Back to the story. Well, the point is the satrap of food. Yeah. As Professor Susan Jebb prefers to be known. Didn't the Boomtown Rats write a song about her? Yeah. It's a satrap, Billy. You've been caught.

Yes. She said Yes She said She said that bringing cake into the office Is as harmful to your colleagues as second hand smoking And I, you know, I read that and cancelled my plans to bring a box of cigarillos in Yeah This morning Yes

Oh, I haven't had a cigarillo for a long time Very Clint Eastwood man with no name yeah I can I tell you she's got a lot of stick

for this yes Jebo people are furious SJ and SJ I I don't think

it's a terrible thing to say personally I don't think it deserves people I presume by this point she's had a cake thing to say, personally. I don't think it deserves people... I presume by this point she's had a cake nailed to the front door of her house or something. By the furious public. I think there's a tremendous social pressure when there's cake.

I find it in this very studio. Remember, our former assistant producer, Faye, was something of a baker. Yeah. And she would bring in fabulous cakes. Yeah. Nevertheless, I, you know, I'm a man of a certain age. Cake is dangerous to me. Yes. I can't remember the last time

I accepted a piece of cake with anything other than trepidation. Really? And resignation? Oh, I find that very sad.

I think I don't want to, I don't really want to eat this cake but I don't know what anyone's feeling. Do you not like cake? There's a lot of, I just don't like

what it does to me oh dear i accept a slice of cake the same way i accept a shot of tequila yeah well i can't accept that no of course but no there's something if you don't have cake people think you've got no real joy in your soul i think you're a grinch yeah yeah they Well, I'm a Grinch apologist, as you know. I'm actually agreeing with the Grinch. But I do, yeah, I think it's difficult. I suppose it depends

on the cake for me. I think, for the English, it's our version of carnival. Yeah. If you say no to it, you are really a miserable stop in the house person.

Can we come, I just want to stop your point because I want you to save it for after this because I'm getting time pressures. We're discussing cake. Yeah. But just briefly, Celia has got in touch saying, Hi all, I feel as an optometrist,

is that the right way to say it? I need to issue a caution to you and your readers please don't use emeralds as sun protection fair enough okay i once watched it won't give you full sorry frank it won't give you full uv block i once watched yeah i once watched um I once watched a virtually complete eclipse through a bin liner. How does that, is that safe? Through a bin liner? Yeah.

It's like a sort of budget Nero. Yeah, exactly. The emperor has tightened his belt. You know there was a fall and rise of the Roman Empire. Do you think when they looked up at the Emperor's box in the Colosseum and saw that he was watching for a bin liner, they thought, uh-oh. You know what?

Maybe this barbarian thing's getting out of hand. Did someone say, oh, typical broken Rome? Yeah, exactly. Here we go into hell in a chariot. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we're going to hell in a chariot. Frank, you can't watch things through bin liners. A man of your calibre, you've got, as you often... I haven't got any sunglasses there.

This is before I got my voucher. Oh, but as you often tell us, you've got international representation. Yeah, I don't know if that's been very busy. Frank, 283, just a brief break unless i'm extradited i don't think that'll be brought into action 203 283 just brief um i quite like interjecting these occasionally oh god i love it it's a bit off topic. But 283, hi, Frank and team. I recently went shopping with my friend and she went to park in a multi-storey. I was sat in the passenger seat

anticipating the usual take the seat belt off slash open the car door faffery at the ticket machine. Yeah. Is Rishi Sunak listening to this thinking, what are you talking about? I just stepped straight out of the car. Just leaned fully out the window when quick as a flash she produced a set of tongs oh oh god from the door pocket impromptu medical and grabbed the ticket with them what the machine So she kept tongs in the car. Good idea.

When I regained my composure and expressed my surprise, she simply said, yeah, car tongs. Is this a thing? I think it's a great... Or do I just shop with geniuses? I would value your input and I love your output. That's from Jo. That's a lovely closing line. I think that's a good idea.

Yeah, cartons. It's a good idea, but I absolutely dispute the fact that, yeah, cartons is a thing. No, maybe not, but obviously in her life. And I am one of those people who never park close enough, even like in garages I end up like leaning back on the hose to get it far enough out of the machine so it reaches my petrol tank because I've parked so far from the

thing, but car tongs I think is a great idea. Do you? What do you think Ger? I think it would be fun to as long as you do the little test click that you must do with tongs before you use them. Oh, okay.

What sort of tongs are we talking about? I'm seeing as a sort of grilled... Barbecue tongs. Oh, no, I was thinking of wooden hot laundry tongs. That's what I was imagining. Are you all going more Flintstones? No but Yeah I think

I like that Imagine the lovely Do Of them closing on the ticket And just pulling it out That's nicer than The sort of Claude sausage turning

Tongues That's what I was imagining Yeah He was a very posh Claude Claude sausage turning Claude sausage He was one of Claude Sausage Turning. He was one of the Hampshire Sausage Turning.

Lovely people. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Pia Novelli, Texas Show on 8.15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. UK. As Matt Berry would say.

Yes. Regarding the cake tyranny, is this not, does it not just... Told you, don't call me Tiffany. Said I can't carry on. No. Is it not a matter of personal

choice no or does cake require to be eaten well when men go out

yes drinking yes if you're a man who's with them and thinks

I don't really feel like it tonight I might just have a sparkling vimto. You know the enormous pressure that bloke's going to get to drink.

It's the same with cake. Come on, have a bit of cake. I'll just have a really small bit. And they always cut you a slightly bigger bit than you wanted. Especially if it's for someone's sort of birthday. Yeah. And you don't want to be... It's like you're rejecting them.

Yeah, you're saying, well well I hate your birthday and I'm furious you were ever born. I think cake refused Nick so I do think that. So I see what you're saying Frank. I do judge these people. I can't remember the last time I had a piece of cake that I actually wanted.

Well. I can't remember. I honestly can't remember that. Even the Prime Minister has weighed in on this. Yes, I said weighed in. Rishi. Yeah, he certainly is. Yes. Rishi has said, because people have obviously been saying this is outrageous,

this is diabolical, they're calling it. It's a diabolical liberty. It's a diabolical liberty. Forcing people to eat cake. And the Prime Minister has felt the need to weigh in and say, it's gone a bit calmed down, it here. He said, look, I'm very partial to a piece of cake. He exclusively revealed that he most enjoys carrot cake

and red velvet cake. 1997. enjoys carrot cake and red velvet cake 1997 he would have fitted in well in the french french government uh just before the revolution yes let them eat apparently she said let them eat brioche which is actually even better really which is my don't tell me you haven't heard parents saying that in hampstead i heard that she'd actually said, let them eat Bruce Reok, who was a footballer from the 70s and 80s who'd been captured. Sign Dennis Bergkamp for us, thank you. Can you imagine the panic that would have ensued

if Rishi had admitted to liking sort of millionaire shortbread or something? No, not that! Can you imagine how many people that was run through? Carrot cake and the red velvet. Whenever a politician says anything about being human, it always sounds like they're an alien in a film who's landed and he's working undercover as a human

and they are actually looking at the computer as they answer. Yes. So what do you... I like Red Velvet and I also... at the computer as they answer. So what do you like? I like Red Velvet, and I also, I'm a big fan of Lemon Drizzle, and yeah, it's like that. I enjoy human food. It doesn't like, they don't like human anything. They like politics is what they like.

Yeah, and I think people would respect them more than if they did, When Gordon Brown sort of said, I like the Arctic monkeys. Yeah. No, you don't. And he got asked about biscuits and all that. And then the eight people spin doctors say, which is the most. We need relatable, but fun. You see, I think that would be the only bit of the job I'd like. Yeah.

Would be answering the questions about Arctic monkeys and things I would say all I care about is politics I'm not interested in any of that it would be great to have a politician just go

look I'm busy do I have to I don't know anything about football pop music confectionery television

films and the reason I don't know it is because I'm sacrificing myself for you people. And that's what I should say. Not start pretending that they... What did he like again? Carrot cake.

Carrot cake and red velvet. That's clearly where we go for the healthiest cake. Well, he went for two options, and he went for the red velvet because he thought, oh, it makes me sound like, you know, a bit fun loving as well. A bit papal. Why give...

Yes. The most papal cake. I tell you, it is a bit late 90s, early 2000s. It's a bit retro love. Honestly, I wish they'd just stopped trying to do the human thing. Also, if you're going to say something, make it worth saying. Go weird. Go Donut Tower.

You know, don't stick with your red velvet. No, come on, guys. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Nice. Frank, where does this leave you? We're obviously talking about cake this morning. We're talking about force-feeding cake through moral blackmail, social pressures at work. Wow. Moral blackmail?

Yeah. That really escalated. The problem you must have, though, is that one of your favourite shows is, of course, Is It Cake? That is true. But is it cake I see more as a programme about art than bakery You're a sort of

UN cake observer Yeah but it's amazing it is real human ingenuity is it cake the way where someone

coming over and saying it's Linda's birthday do you want a slice of this with that little pile of plates they carry Yeah I tell you what look it's Linda's birthday. Do you want a slice of this? With that little pile of plates they carry.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, look, it's my birthday next Saturday. Yes, we know. Wouldn't it be a lovely gift for me if we just didn't have the cake thing? Do you think so? What if we had a cake, but it was an is-it-cake-style cake slash maybe a shoe,

and you just got to watch us try and cut into it. I think... Let's skip. Shall we skip the cake? Maybe we should discuss this off air. It's an HR issue. I don't want the cake. If you bring cake, I'm not eating it. Would you rather have a sort of rotisserie chicken? I'd rather have a persimmon.

Can you get me one of those? Yeah. We won't. I love a persimmon. I don't know about you. Really? Yeah. Have you ever tried one? No.

I don't think so. I've got a better idea. Yeah? Why don't we bring one bar of chocolate, one square each? Like that dark chocolate men like. Like a ritual. Yeah.

It'd be quite ritualistic. Each take one piece on this, his name day. Do you not want anything, Frank? Glass of water, maybe? I'll have a glass of water, yeah. Oh, lovely. Maybe some toast with salt on, like Victoria Beckham has. I love the idea of someone dimming the lights

and carrying a big glass of water to... Happy birthday to you. We could put an isotope in it for glowing. Frank blowing on the water. No, honestly. Bring in a Bunsen burner to sort of make it feel a bit more atmospheric. I think not having a cake would feel like a gift in itself. Well, that's easily sorted, mate.

Exactly. You got your birthday wish. What about when people have cupcakes to bring that in? Oh, I brought in some cupcakes. There's a bit of cake, but mainly it's just a base for a two-inch stack of icing I want you to eat, otherwise you don't love me. Do you know what it feels like sometimes?

Getting into the cupcake, it's like those books I tell you about where there's three pages of architecture or description or landscape i don't want that just get me to the meat and bones yeah and i find with cupcakes i give up the equivalent of three pages in i find um you like those snakes that have to dislocate your jaw to eat one and it's like you know scooby-Doo eating. Yes, yeah, yeah. Stupid. I'm anti-icing. And also, there's other things around, you know, birthdays.

It's not all cake. What about if someone comes in the office, my birthday today, so I've brought a couple of bottles of scotch in. Sue? Pass it around. Friendship on Absolute Radio. pass it around it turns out doesn't it in hindsight that

getting the bumps was much healthier than the cake thing oh I see for birthdays

yeah when people like the bump the bumpers they get a good upper body workout upper body lower back upper body, lower back. And those being bumped, because you have to clench your buttocks as you're hitting the ground, it's a lovely little pelvic floor.

Whereas Kate just makes you fat. With each birthday, though, the bumps become more dangerous once you hit your 80s and 90s. Yeah, but you won't be at work that's why people retire at 65 the bumps get too much the bumps then

are too dangerous that's why they introduced it in the first place that's why the French are protesting 64 bumps it is too much

that's how my dog talks is it yeah my dog is a French poodle ah sophisticated very sophisticated you see That's how my dog talks. Is it? Yeah, my dog is a French poodle. Ah, sophisticated. Very sophisticated. You see, I think with cake, we mentioned this off-air, Frank,

I think you've got to view it as a meal in itself almost. If I view it, you know, it's a date you've got to make with cake. You can't just gobble it willy-nilly. You have to say, right, I'm meeting a friend for cake and a cup of tea. That's it. That's all I'll consume in that two-hour period. But you said a cup of tea to me.

That's the other thing that happens at work. Is people expected to eat cake without a cup of tea? That's true. Or any sweet thing without a cup of tea? People expect you to. Yeah? On a paper plate, standing. Oh, standing standing eating cake.

That's depressing, isn't it? I'll tell you what I always hated. I don't really drink these days, but the wine at work, even in my drinking days, I drew the line. Nothing more depressing than a warm wine in a

plastic water cup. I don't think you should be drinking at work. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Alcohols are. Yeah. Stop drinking at work, for God's sake. Stop forcing people to eat stuff that's bad for them

and drinking at work. Are you going through Lent or something? No, I am with this lady. Having said that, I mean, I take your point. I, the this lady. I mean, I take your point. The male person. Like David Attenborough. They, me, I'm one of those.

My average calorific intake is supposed to be 2,500 calories a day. Okay. Now, a Colin the Caterpillar cake, you've seen those? Yeah. They're 450 calories. That's nice. A segment.

Are you talking about thorax? I think the whole cake's 450. No, the whole thing's going to be thousands. No, I think the head. Let's say the whole thing is... The head would be about 800. I don't... You know, if I thought I'm really fancy at calling the caterpillar,

I'd be happy to skip the rest of the food for that day and just have that. Yeah. It's when you're piling one on top of another. I feel sorry for Professor Jeb, because it's an uphill, it's an impossible task she's been given. Get the

nation to stop eating cake. I know. What a hospital pass. Well, she could have gone for drinking, which is absolutely impossible. Oh, yeah. And, of course, far be it from me to ever say anything serious on this show, but I think people suffer a lot more from secondary drinking than they do from secondary smoking.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you think anyone genuinely likes fish? I don't. Um, I... Yes, I do. Do you? I mean, I know what you mean. Well, you choose it.

I think you eat it because you think it's good for you. Well, cod roe is uh is not fish he's eggs but it's still sort of fish tarama salata i like smoked salmon and then smoke tearing things the rest of i admit the the rest is like taking healthy lozenges smells absolutely diabolical a high price to preparing it but then you, you know, you have these opinions. You upset people. Was it last week or the week before when you launched an attack?

A broadside, as the press would say. Yeah. A slightly mistimed attack on Pythagoras. Yes, I'm the Piers Morgan of ancient Greece. I can't help it. Yeah. You hate all the pies. Oh, I might get a T-shirt with that.

No, I'm just saying I don't 100% believe it. I was pointing out the fact that you could measure the world's tallest man by finding out how far you were away from him and then measuring the angle. And if you got the length of the two angles, you could estimate his length because of the triangle. And I said... You said, I don't believe that.

You said rubbish. I don't believe that Pythagoras stopped. I think what I said was, I've never believed it. Yes. And we had contact with a man who was... A Pythagorean? Yeah. A livid Pythagorean.

We haven't got Pythagoras' spin doctor. Oh, go on. So, do you have it? Yeah. What did he say? It's Jim Dungan. Okay. Which is a hell of a name. oh yes go on so do you have it yeah what did he say it's a Jim Dungan okay

which is a hell of a name I like it yeah Jim Dungan subject Pythagoras theorem so we know we're in for a lambasting

I am yeah hi Emily absolutely love the Frank Skinner show but however don't read out those sorry yeah but you'll see it's more than made up for by his fury Hi, Emily. Absolutely love the Frank Skinner show. But however... Don't read out those. Sorry, yeah.

But you'll see it's more than made up for by his fury. Give me something, yeah. I could not believe my ears when you said this morning that the Pythagoras theorem is rubbish. That theorem is one of the most basic mathematical theorems ever devised and has been used for over 2,000 years by mathematicians, engineers, and the like.

Yeah, you say. I use it myself all the time when pursuing my hobby of designing military vehicles. Oh, that's a hobby, not a job. No. What happens to those designs? Never make your passion your job no you'll only ruin it

for yourself yes you say that no one will ever know if it is true well all you have to do is get a sheet of I mean he goes on

at length to basically explain yeah and he says in fact I'm willing to bet a thousand pounds that you are completely wrong

yeah to say the theorem is rubbish which means you're saying that millions of mathematicians and engineers, past and present, are wrong, and you are right,

really does put you up there with the Flat Earth Society. Oh, dear. It's all gone a bit Kanye. Yeah, so put your money where your mouth is and take up the challenge. Apart from the above, which has left me flabbergasted, praise redacted. Ah.

But he is flabbergasted. He is. Do you know what? Having listened to all that, I still don't believe it. Well, I had a moment this week where I think it happens to every father. My son brought home a mathematical question

which I just couldn't do. What did you say? I just couldn't do it. I would have lied. I said I can't do. What did you say? I just couldn't do it. I would have lied. I said I can't do it. Did you? I said. I had to, I was given three, he was given three fractions.

I'll just, I'll do this quickly and then we'll come back. Three fractions and then it says list them from least to greatest. Oh. Okay. Funny to bring three people from history. But no, it was three fractions. Oh. Okay. If only it had been three people from history. But no, it was three factions. Fractions. Or comedians.

Three quarters, two fifths and four ninths. I said, yeah, forget it. Lowest common denominator, hundred and eightieths. I said, you're not doing it. You're not doing it. I put a stop to it I did Frank Skimmer

Absolute Radio so I went into school to discuss the maths but the thing is with my son's school is that you can't take your dog in you have to carry it and so I had a ten minute

conversation about fractions. Carrying the dog, I mean, I can feel my arms. And also I'm not very good at carrying the dog. I end up carrying it like a baby, so it's upside down looking at me. Do you know what I mean? With its legs in the air. So you weren't carrying it the way a farmer would carry a sort of pig

over a star? No, I can't do that. So the dog's looking at me in the face like, what is the meaning of this? French poodle She's also half cavalier King Charles Spaniel, I should say So she's very dismissive

about the power of Parliament as well But, yeah so we went and talked it through, so I've had a difficult mouth's week as well but yeah so we went and talked it through so I've had a difficult maths week as well Carrying a dog and discussing maths sounds like one of those old Olympics events you hear about

that they sort of got rid of after 1907 It really does When people got Olympic medals for poetry they literally did an art Oh fabulous Yes my dog as you know my dog for poetry and stuff. They literally did. And art. Yeah. Oh, fabulous. Yes, my dog, as you know, my dog hails from Imperial China.

Does he? Hmm. Shih Tzu. Palace, the Imperial Palaces. And they were bred as, they were bred to be lap dogs, but foot warmers as well. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You put them at the bottom of the bed. Keep your feet polluted. Well, I mean, that's where you put your feet. but foot warmers as well for the emperor really yeah yeah okay put them at the bottom of the bed keep your feet well I mean that's where you put your feet that's true

makes sense Frank just briefly I know we don't have long but Jackie Bell who I would like to give a shout out to because she's our Hamburg listener

oh okay lovely I mean we may have more than one I don't know but she's raised her head above the parapet. Hey, Frank et al, I have a sad-faced dog too. Full stop. It's very poetic, this. Yeah. Sometimes I think she hates everyone and

everything, but it's really just her natural expression. She's looked miserable for more than 17 years now. Wow. So it can't be bad. I know the feeling did. She's not going to cheer up now. Have you tried cake?

Listening from Hamburg, Jackie in Miserable Dog Scout. Oh. Well, I think our dog, I don't think it is. I think it's happy, but it looks sad. He's won the lottery, your dog. Lovely life he's got he? gee I'm so sorry

don't you know how important pronouns are anyway if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise I'll be back next week for my birthday

this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio.