The Frank Skinner Show - Caramac Shoes

Episode Date: April 23, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has seen The Batman and eaten the best Easter egg he’s ever had. The team also discuss two gorilla celebrations, wards and Frank’s been sent a new pencil case.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning, boys. Morning, boys. Morning, Jim. Morning. Morning, Peter.

It was really beautifully enunciated, that, Frank. Well, you know, one of my problems now with entertainment is actors have given up on enunciation, so I'm trying to compensate. Well, I sometimes hear some rival stations on my travels in the car and even when they're reading out the phone number, they say, and so many of those things, they're just not clearly announced

and I thought you did a strong job there. That's lovely. Speaking of the incomprehensible statement, I watched The Batman this week. Oh. With Robert Pattinson. My mate.

Now when did they decide that Batman had a tutorial like this? Oh, you're a commissioner. There's nothing, the mask doesn't even cover his face The one part The mouth is the one thing that's clear The mouth and nose

Is there Sort of an element of it That he's trying not to sound like Bruce Wayne Is that what it is? Maybe, but that never bothered him in the good old days. Do you know what I mean? In the pants days, yeah.

I just wished that commissioners say, you OK, Batman? It's OK, I tested this morning. But I think it's a fever. Does Robin speak? Robin doesn't speak like that. Robin's not any. Oh, is he not doesn't speak like that. Robin's 90. Oh, is he not? Why did they kill off Robin? Well, Robin was

a later addition in the comics. Batman was already Batman-ing and Dick Grayson was a member of the Flying Grayson's circus troupe. Yeah. And his parents were killed, so Batman, being an orphan himself,

took him under his wing, as it were. Nice to get Robin's origin story. There you go. And he became Batman. A word you never hear, you know, he became Batman's or Bruce Wayne's ward. Yeah. Can you still have...

If I wanted a ward, if I met some young gentleman, I thought, he's a fine lad who needs some help in the world. I think there'd be questions. Yeah, there probably would now. Yes, the concept of a ward. Do you want to be my ward? Do you know I'd love a... I like that.

I like the ward concept. What about when he arrives and his dressing gown's hanging up and I can say, I put your wardrobe in the wardrobe. Oh, worth doing it for that. Then he can go back to the orphanage once I've got the gag in. And trust me, he'll want to once he's heard that. I'm an orphan myself. I'm allowed to do those games.

Me too. It's fine. Exactly. Yes, is Annie a ward, Frank? Annie? Oh, now that's a good question. Can you have a female ward? Yeah, but this is what I want to know.

Wardette. Yeah. No, of course, Big Daddy Warbox. One of the few... Big Daddy Warbox. One of the few, and I celebrate this, sympathetic treatments of a millionaire in film. He does, he does, he takes her into his home.

I always assume he adopts because he goes to the orphanage and speaks to the orphan. I didn't see any papers. There was no... I thought there was papers. Is this at the end of Annie? Yeah. All right.

Did he officially, I mean, did he go... He has a meeting. What I'm asking, guys, is did he go through the appropriate procedures well he met with hannigan and that's hardly appropriate well she was the boss of the i don't know i don't know the legal status of um war box and uh i'm worried about all these spoiler alerts for anyone that taped any yeah big. Yeah. Big Daddy Ward books, because he has loads of books with all his wards in.

Anyway, the thing is, I love Batman. I grew up on Batman. But in the comics when I was reading it in the 60s and 70s, it wasn't dark all the time. You know, he had op days. He didn't just live in shadow and go, he had a bit of fun now and again.

Stuff like that. But, oh man, no. I just wanted him to say, you know, Commissioner, this is one of those days when you feel glad to be alive. It's nice to hear you, Batman. I don't hear you op that often.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Does he make any jokes? Do you have a lozenge? He never makes any jokes. No, he leaves that to the Joker. Miserable. Absolutely miserable. Well, even the Joker doesn no, doesn't do jokes.

He's just maniacally dangerous. Do you know he's taking a turn for the dark? The Riddler used to be like, you know, it was a sort of a fond quiz master Jeremy Beadle type of figure. Now he's some cynical murderer. Oh, come on, put the lights back on on Batman. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

975 has got in touch, Frank. I think this may be up your street. Speaking of wards, Robin was played by... Bert Ward. Of course. Yes, of course. That's a very good point.

You usually remember all the actors' names, don't you? Well, that was in the TV series, which wasn't dark. It was very light. In the original comics, Alfred the butler... Oh, I love him. ...had something else that's gone with the wards go on he had a comb over

he had a very distinct comb over you just don't see him anymore and if you see them they're always like a comedy context

yeah was he always tell me was he always British yes oh lovely well he couldn't

have his accent in the comics but I think that's right he had a sort of British sensibility in the comics but i think that's right he had a sort of british sensibility in the comics did he yeah but then they got like john pertwee's on shore and playing him in god and he was like a tough guy and stuff but alfred the butler was a little comb-over guy oh no he's got to be an elderly gent he's mr grace from grace brothers anyway i

was watching the batman and i thought, how do they soften The Batman? Because I can't, if it gets any darker, it'll just be unwatchable. And I was thinking of poppies are probably the softest thing in the world. And I thought, what about if he went one ear up and one ear down? You know that sort of slightly, the lazy ear

you get on poppies and think, aww. You know that sort of slightly, the lazy ear you get on puppies and think aww. I think that's the next step. Anyway, that was Batman. I think he needs to accessorise. A brooch is always cheery. Maybe a brooch. You don't want to be fighting

with a brooch in case you scratch someone and they sue. Yeah, but you've got to wear it up because the joy you cause the rest of the year, it's worth it. Well, in The Batman, one could argue that he does wear a sort of brooch because, you know, the bat crest on his chest doubles as his batarang. So he just takes it off and throws it. So it is a brooch he's obsessed by function everything doubles you can't just put a nice jumper on and say oh i like this that's another thing you never hear of the utility belt big yellow belt with lots of like chemicals in it aren't those pants

those yellow things is it utility pants no he used to wear blue pants over grey tights and then a big yellow utility belt. Do you remember sometimes at nightclubs you'd get attractive young women who were paid to sell shots and they'd wear bandoleros over a brassiere. Do I ever? It was a version of that, the utility belt. Utility belt was obviously where he kept his white goods.

Small dishwasher in there, washing machine. Handy for Batman. And, of course, famously, he kept his shark repellent spray in there, washing machine. Handy for Batman. Yeah. And, of course, famously, he kept his shark repellent spray in there. Oh, yeah. Man, that was for the days. By the way, you may recall,

there's a song, you may recall, my mother sang to me. You may recall, the other week, I'd seen my tour manager at a gig. Is this Omar? Yes, Omar.

And he came to one of my gigs. And we were talking about the London area High Barnet. Yes. And saying there was a joke, you know, that that's where Margaret Thatcher comes from, because she had a very high barnet. Yes. And saying there was a joke, you know, that's where Margaret Thatcher comes from because she had a very high barnet. And he said, who's in the high barnet chair now?

Omar's my kind of man. Yeah. Exactly the sort of question I get. And, yeah, I've been, I've been thinking about it. And?

Well, I think my current best mate is the Princess Royal. Yeah. Who, Princess Anne, as she used to be known, who still goes for the enormous sweep. But they're not as common as they were.

It depends. I mean, obviously, Tina Turner was a little bit high barnet she was also sticky out barnet yeah it's got to be that really going up from the defying gravity are you talking about teased hair as opposed to sort of spiking well look i don't want i mean i'm not thinking jed would prince was a bit of nerd prince might have had lodgings in High Barnet. Yes, at Summerstitch. Can I tell you else? Princess Margaret was a regular visitor. Was she? Yeah.

What a babe Princess Margaret was. Yeah. I'm loving the picture, by the way, of the Queen with two horses this week. One of the weirdest... Are you aware of a coven in the Windsor area? Sort of strange. The Crucible, here comes Goody Windsor.

One of the oddest pictures I've ever seen of the royals. Friendskin on Absolute Radio. 836. Close your eyes. Give me your... Go on, carry on. Alfred the butler was also ex-SAS and could look after himself.

Even in the comics? That's John Cambridge or John, Cambridge. Maybe it's John of Cambridge. Oh, I hope so, Al. Well, I do remember that in the comics, but I'll take it on board. Of course, that was back in the days when SAS people retired into butlering. Yeah. Whereas now they retire into Channel 4 SAS television shows.

Yeah, yeah. That's what they do. The trouble is there's not many millionaires who aren't married and stuff and need a butler, maybe. And they don't have the wards that they used to. No, you can't. You can't get the wards. Well, there's just a lot more paperwork required

to bring the ward in. I'm glad they're careful about it. I mean, they didn't know that Batman was a crime... that Bruce Wayne was a crime fighter. Exactly. One, two, three has also been in touch. For Batman, the shark repellent was in the helicopter, not on his belt.

OK, we've all had a drink. I've really been pulled apart today. Batman the movie, 66. The trunk, big year, wasn't it? The trunks are a 1930s reference to circus strongmen and were only worn by Batman because Superman wore them. And the utility belt was added by Bill Finger so he could easily carry out detective work.

Bill Finger, of course, was um tom thumb's cousin he had four children tom thom the fingers i've got to hand it to you for that job big thumbs up for that um well fai our uh system, is that her official title? Yes. She was just saying that she saw The Batman and had no idea that the Catwoman character was Catwoman because no one ever said Catwoman in it. Oh. And I think now, you're right, they didn't. Hang on, doesn't she wear a catsuit?

Well, she wears. No, she doesn't wear the ears. Oh, for heaven's sake. She's got cats. Holy mackerel. But, you know, I mean, I grew up, I used to have guitar lessons, in fact, from a woman who had 13 cats.

I doubt if she was a crime fighter by night. You can't assume. But it's a good point. Catwoman, of course, now, I don't want to talk about Batman all morning but it's become a bit it's become a bit like there has to be a romance between

Cat and Bat Cat and Bat you hate cross species romances well I hate romances in any kind of entertainment I don't like the Cat and Bat getting together. No, I don't.

There was a great... It's too much like Dr Seuss has written it. Yeah. Well, in the 60s TV show, there's a bit where she says, you know, Batman, I've always really admired you. I think it was Julie Newmar, because there was three of them. lee merriweather julie

newmar and arthur kit anyway i think it was julie newmar who said batman i've always really thought you were a really handsome guy maybe me and you could get back together and maybe we could be an item and he says well what about robin she's and no she said he says but you know you're a criminal he says no i've changed now i've changed and she said anyway what about Robin? And she's, no, he says, but you know, you're a criminal. He says, no, I've changed, though, I've changed. And she said, anyway, what about Robin? She said, we could kill him. It's a lovely moment. Julie Newmar.

My goodness. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Peter has asked a question. If Alfred was in the SAS, why didn't he advise Batman and Robin better on camouflage clothing within an urban environment? Robin, certainly. I mean, I don't know where...

Where's yellow? Red and yellow and green. Oh, I've only just understood... Oh! Red, gold and green. Red, gold and green. Oh, I've only just understood. Oh! Red, gold and green. Red, gold and green. In fact, that's an IEM for me. That's an idiotic eureka moment.

I never understood the robin. The red tunic? Yes, yes. Oh, OK. He should have held that. Hang on, is he a bird then? He should have. If Batman's a bat, is he a bird?

Batman hangs out with a robin. Is he really a bird, then? He's not really a bird. Cross-species friendship, which annoys Frank in the same way as the meerkat adverts. I don't mind the friendships. It's when it gets physical I don't like. Batman stays up all night.

It's not going to work, the hours. Yeah, Robin's looking for worms. Always up early. Very early robin's up at the crack of dawn yeah um alfred's up gelling his uh his comb over i still not i still don't know if he was in this yes well i'm taking that as um as gospel i never knew these sort of facts well i read comics i still read comics now I fess up but I read them I was obsessed with them

when I was a kid and then grown ups started reading them and then we started to have to know who did the inking oh yeah on stuff

oh just the comics sure up about it that's why it's gone on Batman it's gone all dark the grown ups have started

watching it mind your own business. Yeah. Anyway, how many times a chocolate can you name? I'll start with milk as the default. So you're five. I love that. Come on, next one.

Dark. Plain. Dark or plain. I went plain. Is there a difference between dark and plain? Yes. Okay. Plain is more pretentious, hence I went for it.

Okay. Okay. Dark is more bitter, hence I went for it. I've got one, Frank. I can't... I got excited, didn't I? Sorry. Go on.

I don't really know how to pronounce it, so you might have to help me, boys. Go on. Montezuma. Is that a flavour or is that a type of chocolate a type of place are you thinking of montelli ma which used to crop up in on the list you know the strange identity parade lists you get in boxes of chocolates i don't just let's just find out what it is i don't need a key to the chocolate it's like when you used to get a photo of a bunch of people

and then you'd get a drawing underneath with numbers on their heads. Do you remember that? Just silhouettes. You know what? If I have a strawberry cream, it's not going to be the end of the world. I'll be all right with it. People say, hold on, have you got the key to the... Have a chocolate.

No, it would be the end of the world. If I had to have ginger, that really would be the end of the world for me, Frank. I think mainly those charts are to avoid coffee creams, aren't they? But you know what I mean? It's not like stepping into a lift that isn't there and you drop down the chart. You've had a coffee cream.

It's definitely not the same as that do you think I buy a box of chocolate so I can be reading it's not where I go for my reading yeah you go to comic books

don't you exactly oh wow sick man chronops Frank Skinner Absolute Radio the other chocolate the one we haven't mentioned, I didn't know exists,

but my son got me an Easter egg. It's without doubt the nicest Easter egg I've ever had in my long life. And it was blonde chocolate. Oh. Now, I'd never heard of... Blondie? Yeah. Who knew?

So it's not white chocolate? No, it's not white. That'd be peroxide blonde because that'd be another type of chocolate. White. Yeah. Which, ironically, is not called milk chocolate. That was...

They got that wrong, didn't they? It's all confused yeah and also cruelly overlooked by alanis morissette in that song actually what was it what did she say no she didn't she focused on other stuff didn't she she focused on the fly in the chardonnay yeah no one drinks that anymore no um rather than that irony which would have been an infinitely superior one. I'm in agreement. Meanwhile... I'll tell you what it is.

My guide on it is it's what I would have called caramac chocolate. Oh, yeah. You know that stuff? My favourite chocolate, my worst colour for shoes. Oh, interesting. Oh, just going to make a note. I have to throw out all my Caramac shoes.

There's a particular kind of shoe shade. I think I've got a Caramac shoe. Trust me, you would not be on my friends list if you did. I've checked out all your items of footwear. You have never worn Caramac. OK, well, I'm going to go with that. But the way I ate it, though, I haven't eaten an egg. I just ate...

I went to the premiere with you of Harry Potter, the first Harry Potter film. So me and Emily went, and I sat next to a small child. I didn't know. I had lost a lot of weight. This was on the other side of me and he took out a crunchy bar and he held it um it was like he had the palm of his hand he pressed it into his mouth lengthwise so you have to imagine this now like a pencil about to go into a pencil sharpener and you know those um tree dissolvers

that you see sometimes on the road when people are cutting trees down yeah they put them into machine it just comes out as dust so he got it on the palm of his hand this thing and he pressed it and he said and it just the whole bar just disappeared and i thought i don't know anyone now i didn't know any kids then i don't know anyone who eats everyone i knew ate chocolate saying i'll have a bit i shouldn't really and oh god oh no i'm gonna regret this this was eating chocolate with the chains off and And me blonde egg. I destroyed it, man. And it was great.

Big mouthfuls of it. You know what I mean? Oh, it was great. Oh, with greedy abandon. Yeah, it was. I'd recommend it, I must say. And I'm not trying to get any free stuff. I'm just saying. It's blonde chocolate. It's the future.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So now this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show on 8, 12, 15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio.

Email the show via frank at absolute radio, at co.uk. Thanks, Batman. Don't mention it. Okay, just passing through. Frank, Kev Shaw has got in touch. Kev Shaw? Sure.

His Twitter handle is Beagled again. He has responded to your question i believe you asked our listeners how many types of chocolate are there yes on kev says has this story regarding chocolate he's called it chocolate which i like oh that's good has he done it without the e in that slightly cool this is what the friend, very French. The chocolat. Very, very French. You don't want to join the chocolat gang. No. On a camping holiday once, we saw a squirrel coming out of someone's tent with a full bar of chocolate and running off with it.

Later, we heard a young girl getting the blame for stealing the bar. It was a bit strange trying to explain to the parents what we'd actually seen. Yeah, it's good that they stepped in, though. I think I'd have left it. It's not my business. Why, Frank? I would have stepped in. Oh, man. Was it their daughter or just a ward?

They have their ward with them whilst camping. That's what I'd like to know. Yeah. By the way, many of you will think, what a life Frank Skinner leads of lovely showbiz finery. So this morning... I've come to West Bromwich. This morning before I left the house,

I put me trousers on, realised that they'd been moth-eaten around the crotch. They're black trousers with white lining, so I had to sit with what I like to call, what we always used to call a felt pen. I know it's called a marker now, because other pens obviously don't mark stuff. The sharpie. So that distinguishes you went for the part sharpie i went for a felt pen it wasn't a sharpie um and i had to sit and color in the holes on my trousers before i could leave the house while they were on yeah while they were on why couldn't you just wear other trousers i mean oh God, you know, I don't have that kind of time on a Saturday morning.

I've got a breakfast radio show. I was already buckled up into these. The suit does look sensational on you. And I was really taken with that suit. I thought, honestly, Frank looks fabulous. Then you undermined yourself a bit. You undercut the suit experience by telling me about the felt pen the felt pen i wouldn't be ashamed of that because that's every style i've just mentioned it on

national radio every stylist has similar tricks to that frank we've all done it well i think it's like um jimmy white when he used to spray his ball patch with that remember you see that advert where you're like such relief like a graffiti like a graffiti artist he used to spray the sort of uh it was like um yeah party string just to spray that whatever happened to oh god party string i'll tell you what happened to i went to uh an all-day conference in birmingham about soap opera did you and uh i mean you were talking about your glamorous life yeah this was before i was a celebrity and i had uh that was in the days i only had one jackie and i used to wear a brown suede jackie and i sat on a chair that had party string on it, and I never got it off.

Also greasy residue. Oh, I hated that. It was like a squiggle on my back, like sort of a prince's squiggle. Frank, before we go to the break, a couple of other stylist tips for you, just FYI. Spray the seat of your tights, ladies,

with hairspray. Strong some electricity static sticking to your dress. Spray the seat of your tights, ladies, with hairspray. Stomp some electricity static sticking to your dress. Very good. Good tip. Also, masking tape on the heels of your shoes makes them last longer. Well, I didn't know we were doing life hacks. Yeah, I'm very good. But there we are.

It's mine. Why are the Quakers called the Quakers? Yeah, the Quakers are really the Society of Friends. The Quakers is a name in post, but outside is because they used to speak in tongues and shake and tremble. And that's why they were called the Quakers. Lovely. Not really a life hack as such but they work with the so much as showing off some knowledge they were it works with the chocolate theme this morning because i believe they were involved with the yeah bornville cabris yeah they were yeah a lot of. That's where you get your sort of Protestant work ethic.

Yeah. And also... My father was a Quaker, can I say? Oh, was he? Lovely. The pottery guys, Wedgwood Quakers. Oh, all right. And he had a bad leg and decided it was slowing him down in his business affairs, so had it amputated.

Not bad enough to be amputated, but, you know, time's money. Do you know, he sounds like my kind of man. He's quite extreme. I've got... In my hand, I have a letter. I was very excited. There's a parcel arrived today, and I thought, this is the right shape and weight,

but I don't want to build up my hopes. But it is the new wisdom has arrived and if you like cricket you'll know that is the cricket bible and so Bill from Wisden World I love there's a Wisden World oh man there ought to be a big supermarket where you can get

like Wisden outfits do you have a shelf? My father used to have a shelf and we couldn't touch that shelf it was the almanac. I do, I think most cricket fans have a shelf? My father used to have a shelf and we couldn't touch that shelf. It was the almanac. I do. I think most cricket fans have a Wisden shelf. Oh, I love it. And also Bill has been very kind to me, sending me Wisdens. What's going on?

What's the story there? No, it's great. He took you in as his ward, didn't he? He did. He did, yeah. I thought that was nice of Bill. Wisden Ward. I've known as.

It says, Wisden World, the UK's largest Wisden-only seller. I mean, that's brilliant, isn't it? I love a specialist. There was some in America in the 40s or something, there was a serial killer guy who said in court, how do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm a murderer, not a mathematician. Oh.

Good bans for a baddie. When you were saying, I love a specialist, I wasn't expecting things to go quite in that direction. No, it could have gone anywhere. But anyway, thanks for that, Bill. And Bill says to me, I'm sorry I didn't get you a 2021, Winston. I mean, can you believe apologising for that? He's says to me i'm sorry i didn't get you a 2021 wisdom i mean can you believe apologizing for that he's a lovely friend for you i'll send you one if you want one of course i want

one bill yeah anyway thanks so much for that also who have i heard from but the pen guy the pen guy you know the pen guy i don't mean the one That fights Batman Is that Wayne You do pronounce it Pen guy This is a plural Of Batman baddies The pen guy It's not a baddie

Is it Wayne He's a baddie The penguin Yeah Well in your world No Nicholas Hemingway The pen Who makes the fabulous

Beautiful pens Do you know why I thought Wayne Can you work out Why I thought Wayne Because Wayne Hemingway Yeah He was this fashion guy He used to own Red or Dead Yeah Meanwhile Why I thought Wayne? Can you work out why I thought Wayne? Because... Wayne Hemingway. Yeah, he was this fashion guy.

He used to own Red or Dead, yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile. Yeah. So Nicholas Hemingway has written to me. He sent me another one. You should check out the Hemingway. Like, what do you call them?

Propelling pencils? Are they still called that? They're called pencils? Yes. Yeah, we love them. Who's your favourite Hemingway? Ernest, Nicholas or Wayne? I can't say that when I've just received a gift from Nicholas,

but I don't know what his short stories are like. There's a short story called Indian Camp, which I read at school, which I still think about now. Haunting Hemingway short story. Anyway, so I need to tell you what, I'm getting the shove, so I'm going to come back to Nicholas Hemingway short story. Anyway, so I need to tell you what, I'm getting the shove. So I'm going to come back to Nicholas Hemingway's pen. It's not just a free pen.

It's got a magical twist on it. Wow. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, it was my pen. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, it was my pen. Nicholas Hemingway, the pen donator, has got in touch with us. Hello, Frank Allen and Emily.

Nicholas Hemingway here. Oh. I actually used to work for Wayne Hemingway many years ago. Bit of a coincidence. We met because of our surnames being the same. He gave me a job when I was at university. Lovely man. What do you mean we met because of our... Surnames being the same.

He gave me a job when I was at university. Was it when they were compiling the Doomsday book? You called in for an interview. Do you know what? Was it just a big family gathering? I think if you... It'd be a good way of explaining a family gathering. Yeah, we got together because our surnames are the same.

Or sort of introducing you to a parent or something. This isn't Michael, our surnames are the same. I like that. Yes. Well, thanks for that, Nicholas. There's still quite a fair bit to unpack there, but I liked it. Anyway, this is, I have a letter from Nicholas Hemingway here. And he had been listening to the show last week

and he was particularly taken by something I was saying about my belongings. And that is the fact that I own a Britney Spears pencil case. And I said, it's from Sweet Britney. I'd quite like one from Shaved, the Shaved Britney, but she didn't really bring out any merch. He has sent me a pencil in a leather case with the shaved britney i mean it's absolutely magnificent let's have a look thank that's great i mean i'm gonna put i'll put it on the social medias but it first of all it's it's a lovely pen and it's that leather look, leather, that my mum always had handbags made out of, which takes me back.

But there she is, Brittany, looking great, I think, with the shaved. Do you know, I made a terrible error this week, and I believe in fessing up to these things sometimes. I was talking to Jane Goldman and Jonathan Ross, our mutual friends, and I was saying, can you believe Frank has a Britney Spears, because they were asking about the show, I said, oh, Frank said he had a Britney Spears pencil case still.

I said, don't you love that? Can you believe that? And Jonathan said, well, I have a pencil case. And Jane said, well, I do as well. See, I told you, you mocked me I know, I know. There you go Have they got themed pencil cases? No don't be so ridiculous

Oh okay I've got a, also it's a bit split, I've had this since I was a small child and I've kept it as a happy memory I've got a Roy Rogers pencil case. Do you know Roy Rogers?

No, but... The cowboy singer, film star, who wrote Trigger. Yeah, so that's a lovely thing. He's got a lovely swirly lasso design around it. Did he wear a lot of white? He wore that real show... You know nudies who made all those western gear?

I beg your pardon? This is a famous shop. I thought you might know, being a fashion person. Oh, don't go to nudies. Nudies made all that really sequined cowboy outfits that they'd wear on the Grand Ole Opry and stuff. So he'd wear a powder blue cowboy shirt with a white fringe. So you're friends with Jim Roshy?

I don't know if that happened. Oh, OK. Now, of course, the cowboys. It's a light motif, but then I don't think it was really referred to. Oh, correct. But yeah, I love this. Thank you, Nicholas. They like chaps, though.

Oh, shave, Britney period, pencil case. Brilliant. Truly, I am happy. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think Und as they say on German radio

Und I've been eating that blonde chocolate again I think we should take a trip down into previously Previously I thought I had a

I had it in my head I had a jingle for that I don't Okay that's fine. Maybe you could make one up, I think. Here you go. There we go. I don't know what's got any relevance to this, but carry on.

Well, shall we kick off, Al, with one sound celebrity impressions? Oh, yes. Do you want to remind us? This was triggered by Al Pacino. Hoo-wah! Yeah. Sorry, I'm still in it. And then we did Jimmy Tarmac.

Ho-ho! And various others I can't remember. Interestingly, you see, Eric Morecambe and... Hoo-wah! That was Harry Sacombe. Oh, yeah. The Eric Morecambe and the Jimmy Tarbark. There's a bit of crossover there, would you say?

I don't know. I think Tarby might, that is. I also talked about Norman Vaughan's... I mean, it is incredible that people can build careers on these things but anyway okay before we get to that I'd just like to share a pencil case okay

from Sally Ives hi Frank I am with you oh didn't realise you were some sort of cult leader I carry a pencil case and I have done for years mine is a red Mickey Mouse

one full of all the things you mentioned and a few more, like a small stretchy man. Love the show. What do you use that for? I don't know. Okay. Is that sort of a chewed

torture recreations? Al, should we do some of these one sound celebrity impressions? We've got a few I mean, Kate has said R2D2 although she said It's not really one sound

That's exactly what she said, not quite a celeb Do you still want to do, you and Alan are going to do these I don't think I should do R2D2 Well you get that Ah there you go It's a lot of that stuff. It doesn't wall, doesn't it? Yeah, he's not a one sound.

OK, OK. I think you're doing him down a bit, R2-D2. He has a rich palette of electronic sounds. Sorry, Kate, it's good, but it's not right. Do you think there'll be a cartoon of eventually when the Star Wars... Well, I remember years ago i interviewed patrick stewart and i asked him about what was happening with um with star trek and he said well i spoke to an american tv exec who told me that star trek was experiencing franchise fatigue

and do you think if star in the unlikely event that Star Wars ever has a similar experience, they'll have a cartoon and R2-D2 will speak like the Scrappy-Doo thing and he'll just be going, oh, I really enjoy being a boy here. And he's going to be like that. I can't live with that. Actually, that sounded like Clonk from Wacky Races, who sort of had tics, had various tics. I don't remember that character.

You do them all. Yeah. What about, okay. This is yours, Al. Nikki Cyclopedia. Hmm. Dara, I can never say this. Dara O'Brien.

Dara O'Brien. He's got a sound, Al. Al, can you do it? Is it there? Oh, is it there? Oh, well, that was good. This has become a tough test. Yeah. I better have a rest, I think.

We've gone to previously, but I also want to go to here and now. Currently. Lovely. Oh, good. I like that. Because we've heard from a lovely friend of the show now i'm gonna go nicholas hemingway oh is he explaining we met because we had the same surname okay this is red or dead designer uh wayne hemingway you're asking how did you end up working for him

and nicholas has replied i met way Wayne as I stumbled upon his website. We've all done it, dear. I wanted to become Hemingway Design, but that was the name of his company. Oh, it's a domain battle. On his website, he had a message that said, if your name is Hemingway, come and work with us. What?

Very odd, I know. But I emailed him and we got talking. He invited me round to talk family history a bit and offered me work. Also related to Ernest. Thinks all round. They're both related to Ernest. Are they?

That's quite cool. What about Mariel? Mm-hm. What about Mariel? Mm-hmm. What about her? She was in Manhattan. There was Margot and Mariel, yes. Was she in Manhattan? She was, yes.

Yes. I know... She was the granddaughter. I know Woody Allen is not very in at the moment, but there is one of my favourite film lines in that when they're in a cab and he says to her, you look so beautiful, I can hardly keep my eyes on the meter. It's such a tremendous line.

I think she's related to Ernest as well, isn't she? Granddaughter, yes. Can I just say, I don't want this to cause a precedent, and if there are any Cochran's listening and they end up on my website, please don't get in touch, I won't employ you, and I'd rather you didn't. If there's any Dean's listening, you're out of luck, because it's not my real family name, it was changed.

My real family name, as you know, Frank, I've told you this, do you remember? No. Bickerstaff. Bickerstaff, of course. There you go. to my real family name as you know frank i've told you this do you remember no stuff bicker staff of course there you go okay which was one of the uh pen names of jonathan swift oh all the facts coming out today what else uh anything previously uh one sound celebrity impressions Anthony Moss has boasted I do a fantastic Tarzan

which I think used to be I think it was I think it's frighteningly similar to the sound of another celebrity who's from a darker place.

Oh, come on. Really, it's ruined Tarzan. No, OK. Come on. Tarzan's had to change it. OK. OK. All right.

9.50am. OK, just saying. 5.81. Just in case anyone tuned in then, I want to make it clear it was Taza I was doing. Okay. 581. Hi, Frank. I think Emily is getting confused.

Oh. Shall we leave it there? Buckle up, everyone. I think we should come back to this one. I think that should be the name of the podcast. Okay. What is Emily getting confused about? Find out soon.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Doctor! Peter Robertson has got in touch.

From Peter Robertson in Finden Valley. It's a bit specific, that. Let's just say the Sussex area. Finden Valley. Good morning. Emily, if I was correct in hearing your birth name was Bickerstaff, when I say birth name, it wasn't my first name. I was born prior to...

No, no, but you were born a Bickerstaff. Yeah. I was at school in the 1970s with a Simon Bickerstaff, who had ginger hair then. Frank will be familiar with the Catholic school Ampleforth College. Yes. That's where Peter Robertson went. That's where Stato went.

Really? Fantasy football statistician. At mass there one Sunday, Simon was an altar boy and stood too close to a candle which set his cassock on fire. Hence why I remember him. It's unfortunate. Also, Peter Robertson once interviewed Margot Hemingway. Wow. Sister of Maria.

At her apartment near Los Angeles, she went on to change her first name to Margot with a T. She didn't want to be associated with the bottle of wine. You're going to tell me in a minute he's also pen pals with Alfred the bottler. He seems to have a connection with everything that's happened on the show. What was he called? Something like Pennychook.

Alfred Pennychook. Oh, I'm going to get this. There'll be some grown-up who corrects me on that. I think that's his name. He would have been lovely for me, Alfred. Because we could have lived on the grounds without any of the responsibilities. That's what I like.

Yeah, he had that shuffling dignity, which you want in a butler. Yeah. We were on a cliffhanger of sorts. Yes, Emily's confused and we got to... I think Emily was beginning the text message. Hi, Frank. I think Emily is getting confused

and then we left our... It's like one of my falls. Yeah. I'm worried it's a thing that your doctor says after you've left the surgery. I'll lance the boil. I think Emily is getting confused with Buck Rogers when she asked if Roy Rogers wore a lot of white.

A totally different vibe there. No. And that's from 581. Excuse me, absolutely not okay with the greatest respect actually slightly less respect no absolutely not i know my buck rogers yeah okay from my roy i know my bucks from my roys yeah and i was referring when I said white I wasn't referring to the sort of 70s all-in-one with a large zip accessory no I was referring much more to the sort of showbiz tradition a more Vegas style of cowboy will you support me on that thanks yes I think I I took it that Emily was referring to the fact

that um in early westerns often the good guy would wear a white hat and the bad guy would wear a black hat to help the audience exactly um and he was roy was very i don't think i've ever seen roy in a black hat he was very much a white hat sometimes you're going to hate him for this. He wore a Karamak hat. He did. He did, but not made of Karamak, but Karamak collared. Oh, maybe I should get another dog and call it Roy. Roy and Ray. What do you think? I've got all the 70s football managers covered then.

Or Siegfried. I can't remember this there, but we had a run of Albion managers at West Bromwich Albion which were sort of Ron, Ronnie, Nobby, Bobby it was like a fab someone will have that fax at their finger too

it was a fabulous run of if you wanted to just randomly if you put 70s football managers into a computer, these are the names that would come spewing out. If anyone can send us that list, I'd like to share with the nation. There'll be Albion fans who know it off the top of their heads. Oh, yeah.

I'd like to move us towards a news story that caught my eye this week. And that is there's been some birthday celebrations for gorillas. When you say gorillas, do you mean like those George Foreman machines? Is that how I say it? Do you mean gorillas? Yeah. Best Latin name ever for an animal? Do you remember its Latin name, Al?

No, what is it? Gorilla, gorilla. Oh, man, I love it, isn't it? Make an effort, Latin. I love it. So good they named it twice. Exactly. Gorilla, gorilla.

Your hair is a mess. Actually, their hair, that is unfair. Their hair, I find, is immaculate. Yeah, it's tidy looking. Never a hair out of place on a gorilla. Do you know, I find the gorilla, I'm doing it as well, Al, I find the gorilla has a sort of Alfred in in the comic book slight comb over oh do you notice

i think if you took the top of a gorilla's head and put it on the face of simon cowell you wouldn't notice any difference at all it's quite it is quite shredded weak fact it is a bit yeah the black shredded weak anyway over to uh you al because you were talking about... Well, the world's oldest griller has turned 65 this week in a zoo in Berlin, which is called Berlin Zoo. This is bad news for Berlin boss travellers. That's going to suddenly get on with its path. Oh, is this Fatou? This is Fatou, yeah.

That'd be a lovely friend for you, Frank. Fatou. Well, it's a lady, of course, and it's my age range. I'm just thinking Fatou might be an adventurous nana. Yeah, exactly. In my catchment area. It seems like you're at the opposite ends of the naming of things spectrum, Fatu and Skinner.

Yeah, that's true. So nearly skinny and fatty. It's the flip side of Hemingway implying Hemingways. Oh dear, in my end is my beginning. I've always loved Fatu's narrative arc because she was brought to, she originally was brought over by a sailor.

Did you know this? Yes, I saw this. From West Africa. She was brought by a sailor. You know I don't like the interspecies. They weren't dating. Oh, well, we don't know that. Also, you know what I was saying a few weeks ago,

that a classic example of the self-styled colorful character was the public rat owner the person who takes their rat out in public yes i mean the sailor who arrives with a gorilla he paid his bar tab with a gorilla. That is someone who has always got one eye on themselves. And this will be a great anecdote when I'm in the brig. Yeah. I'm glad Fatou's... Apparently went out with a brigadier, if you knew that. I mean, please.

I'm glad Fatou's... I think it was right that she left that. I think it was a toxic relationship for her to be in, the sailor. Yeah, it didn't sound good. I think the Berlin Zoo is a much more... It's a much more fragrant environment for her. She got a lovely... Did she get a cake, Al, didn't she?

Yeah. She got a picture of her enjoying a cake what was the cake the cake was a rice cake yeah i mean when you ask for cake that's not what you want that's like some sort of a sick i don't know i don't know fat who actually asked for cake she was wolfing it down i'll tell you girlfriend's got an appetite on her she was they said there was cottage cheese on it oh no it's a bit late

for the diet is that why yeah they say look you've called me Fatu my birthday cake is cottage cheese enough now

so we're talking about Fatu, the gorilla. So who isn't? Well, Kolo isn't. Kolo was the oldest gorilla prior to that. Did you know that? I know quite a lot about the old gorillas. 2017, we lost her. Oh.

Yeah. And she, of course, as the initial suggests, Kolo only lives once. Very good. Fatou is a great-grandmother of 16. Oh, good one. Good one. Can I tell you something about Fatu's home

She's at Berlin Zoo, am I right? Yeah Now I know people have mixed feelings about zoos nowadays I'm a member at London Zoo I think it's brilliant and speaking as a parent

very very educational about animals very pro-environmental concerns and all that stuff. I went to Berlin Zoo during the German World Cup. I didn't know. It made me think maybe I want to stop going to zoos. Was it cruel? Was it very cruel? It had the sort of sleaziness of the Weimar cabaret.

Did it? Yeah. It was that sort of zookeeper's small lane of deer trick. Yeah, gorillas was in stockings and suspenders smoking. It just felt... The animals didn't look that happy there to me. Lots of, you know, that incessant pacing you get from animals when they're in there. Charles and Dave. So yeah,

at the end of it, I wasn't happy and I never get that at London Zoo. Well shit, on the plus side. Favourite London Zoo story? Oh! Is it when Kombucha drank all the Ribena? No, mine is to do with Frank and the incident with

oh no, that wasn't at London Zoo, was it? Do you remember, Frank? You had an incident with a gorilla. You've had one, haven't you? Oh yeah, that was a chimpanzee and not a gorilla. What happened? That was at Monkey World. What happened again?

Well, it was in the holding pen, which is when new monkeys arrive, they put them in a shed on their arm because often they're being cruelly treated and stuff. So I went to have a look in there, and they just have a window. And this chimpanzee came to the window, and it looked into my eyes, and I looked into it. And honestly, we were there for five or six minutes just staring and people started i could hear people saying

look at that blow looking at that we were transfixed but it was like i was looking at my distant past yeah it was a very very bizarre Well, I don't know if it was lovely. It was a bit like being stared out in a Birmingham pub. It was like, I didn't know whether there was any recognition, malice, or what it was. Lost. Lost, maybe. Fashion. Another opportunity missed.

Oh, God. That was a great, one of my favourite Celebrity Squares moments was on the American Celebrity Squares. And they used to have this very camp guy centre square. In the days when it wouldn't have been described as gay, but everyone sort of knew. Flamboyant, it would have been called. The question was, do chimpanzees kiss? And he said, yes, very well.

I love that man great we should say i just want to say a bit more about her cake it was a rice cake yeah it also had cottage cheese on it and cabbage i mean i would cry if that was your birthday cake fang if i gave you that you would defriend me i think that could happen from my partner is so into healthy eating. Kathy would actually like that. Yeah, she wouldn't eat the cheese, too fattening. I'll just have the cabbage leaves if that's all right with you. Oh, yeah, and no one would say fatu.

That would be the key. If you want to keep your teeth. We're still on gorillas. I was wrong about the shark repellent spray. Yes, you were. You're not often wrong, though. Can we also refer to another gorilla birthday this week? It's great that it's two big gorilla birthdays in the same week.

Two big ones. Pertinax, who sounds like some terrible Doctor Who creature. Although I think they shortened it to Pert. That's a cruel nickname for a middle-aged person. Yeah, Fatu and Pert. That's a cruel nickname for a middle-aged person. Yeah, Fatu and Pert. They've not really knocked it out of the park on the naming of these grillers, have they? No, he's 40, isn't he?

Yeah, he is 40 years old. He's... Silverback. Tell me about it. Do you know, I saw, while we were in that terrain, I saw a man, I won't name him, but he was presenting a TV programme early this morning.

You can probably guess the sort of show it was I have on in the background. And it was interesting, he had an open-neck shirt, the presenter, with quite a lot of hair coming out of the top of his chest. You don't see that often these days, do you? No, not unless you're halfway through a Jekyll to Hyde transformation scene. So I'm saying, whatever happened to the... Neck hair? Yeah, the hairy chest.

The escaping, the tantalising glimpse of chest hair. I think it used to be seen as a sort of sign of raw masculinity. Do you have it hair, Chester? No. Okay. Your witness. I've barely got a hair on me. I'm like Action Man. Not in all respects, I hope. No. I don't have

the cheek scar either. Poor Cath. Pertinax? What do you think of him? Do you know, just give you a bit of his origin story, boys. He came over here to Devon with a, he had a German guerrilla, male guerrilla companion. Okay. It's rather nice.

They came here together. Okay. Yeah. Different times. Yeah. I was in the englischer garten once in munich and i was with my girlfriend at the time and we passed um i'd say 40 naked men sitting in there just in the public gardens and uh i don't know i was more of a free spirit in those days. So I took

all my clothes off and sat amongst them. And it took me about half an hour to realise that I was the only heterosexual there assembled. But it was very freeing in many ways. The whole week. The whole week I spent with them. I look forward to hearing more about your liberating week. The idea now of just seeing some naked men and thinking, you know, I'll get naked and sit with them. What on earth was I? You've become more of a germophobe since then, haven't you?

Yeah. Well, he arrived, Pertinax and his German companion, they came here and they sort of started this, it's a male gorilla community. Okay. The idea is that Pertinax is, he sort of socialises young gorillas until they're ready to breed.

Wards? Gorilla wards? It's essentially wards. At last, we found out What happened to the ward business It's gone gorilla He teaches young male gorillas etiquette Now I don't know what that involves Staring psychotically at people

Banging on the glass perhaps Exactly You have to do that chest punching thing You know that That's why they've got no hairs on their chest Well there's Perhaps. Exactly. You have to do that chest punching thing. You know that? That's why they've got no hairs on their chest. Well, there's... Can I just say, Pertinax had a giant pink cake.

Oh, God. Mm-hmm. I just thought the whole show was shot down in flames. You and your reminiscences. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. you and your reminiscences here's a question go on the senior keeper at Payton Zoo looks after Pertanak

says and I quote in his retirement he's really mellowed what constitutes a gorilla's retirement would you say i wouldn't say they were industrious from what i've seen of them at the zoo well also i did read frank he suffers from bad feet and digestive issues apparently oh god imagine having a gorilla that's got digestive issues. Well, the bad feet, well, I mean,

they don't have great feet when they're young. No. They're moaning about their bad feet. Do they have feet? People have got bad feet. They're moaned on. They're like, oh, my feet. My feet?

I thought they just had, like, four hands. They look like hands. They don't look like any feet I've seen. I say that as well. Have you ever heard a gorilla mother say, all right, all right, I've only got one pair of hands. No, that's because they've got two. Okay, let's see you say that to Pertinax's face.

Okay. And Pertinax has to drink, because of the digestive problems he has, he has to drink a special laxative cocktail. Oh, God. OK? It's made up. Do you know what it's made up of, guys?

Is it cabbage and cottage cheese? No. It's made up of honey, blackcurrant, apple and gorilla matter. Gorilla matter? Let's call them... Is that his website about what's happening in the gorilla world? No. Gorilla matter is what I call comfort breaks.

What? Oh, dear. He eats. This has gone too far. Yeah. I thought the interesting thing about the keeper at the zoo was that she had to pick 40 different gifts for Pert's birthday. Difficult. Hard to buy for gorillas, I would have thought.

Unless everyone's a banana. After a certain point, do you think they were like the gorillas CD? Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. It said he likes music. When they get the... I like when they give... I'm sorry,

I know it's boring and I do the same thing every year, but I thought I'd play it safe. Yeah. That's what I'd do. Yeah. Do you think they're quite good

to buy gifts for, though? Because every time they're opening a present, they go, ooh, ooh, ooh. Like, really excited. They sound excited. What about

some Jimmy White spray for the silver back? Just cover that up. A bit of Grecian 2000 for the back. I'd get it a little bit of maybe a bikini wax. Oh, where do you stop? Gift 40. That's what she said to me. That's the problem.

I think I'd go very well in the gorilla community. I think I've got an affinity with them. I think they might be my least favourite apes. Really? They don't seem to be like chimpanzees. I know there's going to be a monkey ape dispute here, but, you know, it's a general term. Chimpanzees are like fun, are up to stuff.

Gorillas look pensive. That's why I like them. They're intelligent, they're thoughtful creatures. Whereas the chimpanzee... They're fun, though, aren't they? Monkeys generally. Hysterical. Chattering, bopping around, the big red bomb.

And then they turn on you. Whereas gorillas, all in black. They're like the goths of the deep thinkers yeah sitting around looking a bit

they could rip you apart I think that's why I like them yeah they're grapplers Al yeah I think so they're fabulous grapplers

alright they'd be my they're just behind the orangutans on my list of favourite apes Okay Okay, so anyway On that bombshell

Thank you for listening to us, even though we've talked about gorillas for nearly seven hours Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.