The Frank Skinner Show - Cat Saliva

Episode Date: November 26, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Pierre Novellie. Frank has been watching the World Cup with David Baddiel and has a message from Terry Butcher. The team also discuss the death of the dinner party, Comic Con and Ross Noble has been in touch.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk So, I did the Chris Evans show yesterday on Arrival Station. Lovely way to start the show. I like that. Advertising.

Betrayal. Actually, I did plug, he plugged this show on his show, so it's fine. And also he's on in the week. He did a brilliant thing, actually. At one point he said, actually, I think, yeah, let's overrun this morning. We're going to overrun.

I thought, wow. I said, I'm going to try that. He said, absolutely. He said, yeah, good luck with that. But there was a thing that happened. We were talking about the World Cup and I said, i'm fascinated by watching cristiano ronaldo and um and gareth bale i said the summer i said i don't know what it is that

draws me to it but there's something about these people that used to be like enormous stars and now they're they're struggling a bit and he his face changed chris Evans, and he said, why are you looking at me then? And I said, no, no, I'm talking about me. It's a joke about me. And it was a real difficult, tense moment. You see, this will happen. Oh. When you get 90s characters in the room.

It was a joke. Well, David Baddal would be as well i mean we could have all danced around the maypole of um diminishing glory i don't know if you've seen that maypole it's uh anyway um i told a story on there which i'm i'm gonna tell you mainly because you know when you're on someone else's show it just flies past but here i would like a genuine dissection of this i was at um david baddiel's house watching england play iran oh do you know i love that you watch it together oh yeah it makes me very happy so we um a half he said to me would you like some pasta at half time? I said, you know what I actually would

so it was that kind of pasta that's got stuff in it you know that kind of pasta pasta like I would call an envelope sure ravioli I would call that ravioli is the leader of that

pack, but there's other stuffed pastas. Faye's nodding. So he did me a plate of that. Faye, this news just in from Faye. Yeah. Tortellini.

Oh, yeah. Well, it could be that. It could have been Tortellini. Anyway, it was a that. It could have been torta. Anyway, it was a stuffed pasta, so he gave it to me. He said, would you like parmesan? I said, you know what? I would. So he put that on it and handed it to me,

and I said, I'm just going to nip to the toilet. It is half time. I put it down. When I came back in the room, his cat was just getting the last of it off the pasta. The last? Just licking the last bit of parmesan, cleaned the lot. Your half-time pasta?

And it was... Hang on, hang on. Had David not intervened? No, he was making my tea, obviously. So it was a horrible... And I started going, get off! Get off it! Get off it! In a really over, slightly staring... And then Dave said, no, don't shout at us.

The deluxe is licking them. And it was like, oh, I can see the light was catching the cat saliva on the other thing. Cat saliva. Wasn't that what Humphrey Bogart filmed? That's Casablanca. Anyway. And also, they got very rough tongues.

I was aware. I could almost hear the licking, you know what I mean? Yes, yeah. Which would have meant as well that she would have been breaking the surface of the pasta with the rough tongue, you know? Oh. Did you ever do that thing? They used to do it in television when I first started.

If you got a new pair of shoes on on stage, the wardrobe, it was always, yeah, the wardrobe person would get a fork and cross fork marks on the bottom of the shoe so you didn't slip on stage. We used to do it in fashion. We'd get nail scissors and scratch so they don't slip. Some grip. Yeah, so I think the cat's tongue would probably put that sort of effect

on the surface of the pasta. You could tip the plate and it wouldn't slide off. So I was really horrified. And then something happened which I didn't expect. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, you're not mid-pasta. You're at David Baddiel's house. The cat's mid-pasta.

I'm imagining David might have. It sounds lovely, sort of red and white check tablecloth, like a Too Ronnie sketch. Maybe some, a big pepper mill. No, see, if it had been that, I just, because our dog would never do that. I didn't think, I didn't think, I just put it down on the chair.

It was an accident waiting to happen. Well, not an accident. Anyway, so Dave told me to stop shouting at the cat, which is fair enough. And I said, oh, I was looking forward to it. He said, oh, it's all right, have mine. I said, no, I can't have yours. He said, no, I'll have that one.

It's fine. It's my cat. No. And I said, no. He said, no, no. You know, I love cats. So he had to. No.

Glazed with cat spit. And shredded. Yeah. Lightly grazed. Lightly grazed to absorb more, to make it more porous by the tongue. No. Yeah, so he just had to.

I didn't say any more. I mean, I was appalled. I've got to say, I mean, I was appalled. I've got to say, I, I mean, I don't know, I like David's cats. If that had been Ray, I think I would have gone in there as well. You would have eaten it? Yeah.

Oh, my Lord. I'm sorry, I'm Team David here. Oh, right. Well, that's fair enough. I know where my animals have been, which is more than can be said for someone. Well, I know where our dog has been. But that's the trouble. If she was less flexible, I might eat after her. You see, my dog, let's not get too graphic here,

but I've made it very clear that won't be tolerated, that kind of behaviour. Well, don't get me wrong, I love my dog. I love my dog. In fact, I'll tell you something about my dog i think she's made me more woke has she why because i i didn't fully understand the pronoun you know the whole pronoun debate and people are so sensitive about what getting their correct pronoun i had to start on this study but i did think it was a slight, you know, is it that important? And then I got a dog, and people would say, he's a nice dog. I'm going, she?

It's a she, actually? And I thought, I get it now. I absolutely, for some reason, I was outraged if anyone calls her he. So, yes, I worked that out. So I love my dog, but no, I would not eat a bowl of pasta that she had licked the parmesan off under any circumstances. I'm kind of horrified by this. Me too.

I'm not happy about this at all. Pierre's with me. Okay, enjoy your corner. Obviously, I'll be over at Dave's. So you'd eat... Eating floor pasta. I plan to go over to David's. I'll bring Ray.

Oh, don't complete this idea. He's got about nine cats, hasn't't he how many has he got now he's got lots of cats he's got a lot of them i went around to watch the america game and i sat down and i sneezed like eight times because there's one long-haired cat and if that comes near me it's dander hell so i started sneezing, and he just gave me an antihistamine. It was fine. That's what I go and watch in this life. So you would eat your... I wouldn't eat my dogs. Good for you.

You'd eat yours. Yeah, I would eat mine. You don't have a pet, do you? What about your living girlfriend? If she licked the parmesan off your pasta, would you eat... No, it's a serious question. Would you eat it if she licked the parmesan off your pasta, would you eat it? No, it's a serious question. Would you eat it if she licked the parmesan? I'd be furious.

I'd have to come in and say, stop shouting at her. I'd take an antihistamine. Yeah? Just on principle. Yeah? It would be something to do while she was packing. Thank you. There was something to do while she was packing. Prince Skinner on Absolute Radio.

By the way, I have an apology to make. I was so ashamed last week. I described Sappho, the poet, as Roman, and of course she was Greek. Apparently, someone was telling me, if you mix up ancient Greece and ancient Rome on Capital Radio, it's a sack in a fence. So I'm

lucky, lucky to be here, which is something I think every day, of course. So yes, Sappho was a Greek poet. Okay. I'm just relieved you weren't here. No, you're So, yes, Sappho was a Greek poet. OK. I'm just relieved you weren't here, Pierre. No, Pierre would have slapped me across the face.

A tonne of Doric columns. Nothing left of this desk. No. So, listen, Terry Butcher, the former England central defender, was on Rock and Roll Football this week with the likes of Matt Ford. Oh. I like the likes of. And I have a little extract from what,

I don't know if you know the background on this, but when we wrote the original Three Lions, there was a line that said Terry Butcher at war. I know you're not a football enthusiast, Pierre, but Terry Butcher played against, I think, Sweden for England and did that thing when he got his head split open and wore a sort of Crimean War-style headband. Right. When you say did that thing, it sort of stopped after that, fortunately.

No, but still I remember, there was a few of them, John Wilde at West west brom and also um paul insta and i don't know if you've ever bled heavily when you're not really hurt it's fantastic if you're not in pain and you're bleeding a lot you get such attention and you feel so heroic and i don't know if terry butcher was in pain or not. But anyway, we included Terry Butcher at war was one of the lyrics. And the FA said, we don't want to suggest being at war. Because in the way large organisations are always touchy about the wrong things. And not touchy enough about the right. Okay, so this is what Terry Butcher said.

I'm just disappointed he didn't actually leave me in the lyrics because they had me in and then they took me out. I think the phrase was Terry Butcher's going to war. So that was a bit too controversial. Have you ever spoken to him about this? No, I haven't. I'd get angry if I spoke to him. Just bear in mind, as I say, Frank Skinner is on Absolute Radio.

So at any point, if you are going to say something, do you have a message for him now? Yes, why did you take me out? You're the only person that's ever taken me out. Why did you take me out? The only person that's ever taken me out. I want a personal answer. Well, this is just for Terry.

Well, we had no choice, you see. I am sorry because for me, he symbolised the beating heart of English football when he stood there covered in blood. And I don't mean he had a bit dripping down his forehead, Pierre. I mean he looked like he'd been in a literal bloodbath. But you've got a great answer for him, though, because whenever someone is disappointed

with a creative choice, the dream answer is, the higher-ups stepped on my neck. Exactly. That's what you want to say. But maybe we should have fought more for him, but we didn't want to lose our nice little job. What was the lyric that replaced it?

Bobby Belting the ball, I think. Ah, OK. I think it was, But I still see that tackle by Moore And when Linus has scored Terry Butcher at war Blah, blah, blah. I know it sounds odd now.

As long as you kept it. Terry will probably record that and use it as his ringtone. Yeah, he's got it. So would you like to send any other message to Terry? And you've apologised. I think that's really big of you. Yeah.

Perhaps he can apologise now for going to Glasgow Rangers. You've ruined it all. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I confirm you were completely correct regarding Terry Butcher and Rangers? Yes, I thought that image stuck with me. Can I just draw your attention to a missive we've had from Cara Bentley?

Yes. She sent, I would say, one of the nicest photos ever taken of you and David Baddiel. Oh, hold on. Cara. Cara was someone I met at the Chris Evans show yesterday.

She's a newsreader. The picture of you, it's absolutely stunning. Is it really? Well, you look, I love your look in this. It's quite arteta. It's very sort of modern football manager in expensive knitwear. And David, similarly.

I'll tell you what happened with that, because Cara is quite a fan of this show, actually, which is very nice, obviously. And so she had the photo of me and Dave, and then she said, can I have one just with Frank? And I thought, yeah, that's it. We've got the politeness out the way. Let's have the photo you actually want.

So I thank Cara for that, if nothing else, for that moment. Moment of triumph. She seemed very lovely. I didn't know she was a newsreader. She didn't have a CV with her. She says it was a pleasure to meet Badil

and Frank on the radio at work this morning. If I'd have known, I'd have brought my copy of Frank's prayer book to sign. Hashtag followers of the Nazarene. Oh, I think I must have sensed it. The lovely friend for you. In other news, we've also heard from Mr. Ross Noble. Oh, gosh.

Terry Butcher, Cara Bentley, Ross Noble. Who next? I will share this with you. Ross says, hopefully I'm still considered a friend of the show. I listen to the podcast every week. Praise Redacted. Does he really?

Isn't he in the antipodes nowadays? Sorry, are you someone from 1873? In a way, yes. Oh, OK. Well, that's nice. We love this man. Ross has a few things to say. OK.

As he continues, I have a few things for your previously on segment. So this should technically be in previously. That's all right. But he does cover a lot of ground so first up i love that frank offered me suggestions after seeing my show ah yes this is what we discussed last week pierre oh yes um and that is i have a habit which i've tried to break of saying after i've seen someone's show, going up to them and saying, you know what you could do there is blah, blah, blah, and offering improvements. And Emily always turns herself inside out

with embarrassment when that happens. It's awful, Pierre. I call them Frank's helpful notes. Maya Towles, he's done it. But what is interesting is, he always seems to pick people who are kind of selling out their venues. So Andrew Lloyd Webber, he tried to change the curtain call.

He maintains that he actually did take on the advice. Well, if you remember, someone in the cast said that they did change the curtain call on the strength of that. Really? Yeah, so just saying. Which, can I say, wasn't very helpful because now we have to live with this. Yeah.

Can you just give us a teaser? I'll continue with Ross, but what did you... You said something to Ross. I can't remember. I say this so often. The only one that sticks in my memory was Tim Key's facial expression when I suggested that he came on for the encore

dressed as a baked bean. But they're not all that dramatic. Often they're just a little line here or a little bat reference there. They're not usually costume change suggestions. Do you know, Ross has predicted this is probably a five Fez list. Okay.

So I think he realised this might go across into another segment. Well, you know, what we could do with Ross is we can feed them through the show as a thread. The Ross Noble thread. How about that? The RNT. We're in the middle of a Ross Noble thread, so I'm going to give it a little tug. Oh, yes.

So, Ross has said, I love that Frank offered me suggestions after seeing my show. That's nice for you, Frank. Did he take them? Well, I can't think of many shows that wouldn't benefit from a bit of skinner spin. There you go, you see? He doesn't say he's taken them but anyway i'm sure when he blagged tickets to see the pope he suggested something

along the lines of a different balcony so people could see his fantasy pope shoes well like two things for this one he i my italian is non-existent and also also, it was Benedict that wore the fancy Pope shoes. OK. Francis just wears straight slip-ons. So come on, Ross. Frankly, I don't think that would have stopped you. More than that, and I'm not sure if you realise you did it, but last week...

Women priest, that's what I suggested to him. He said... In halting Italian. If I could have... I think I might have dropped that in. Ross says to me, last week you launched into an impression of me. I was delighted. It put me in mind of a young Janet Brown. OK.

He has pointed out there might be a confusion with Faith Brown, the other 80s impressionist who I'm sure Frank will bring up was in Doctor Who, Attack of the Cybermen. It was a mistake, to be honest. I love Faith Brown. But Faith Brown was in a very very tight silver

suit. And I don't know if you know Faith Brown, but she's not Careful. She's voluptuous, is what she is, and it was very noticeable. You don't get, really, love your curves, aliens, very often in Doctor Who. No, she was stunning.

Yes, the door licks aren't very curvy. Whereas Janet Brown was famous for Margaret Thatcher. Well, Janet and Faith, Pierre, just so you're aware, they were two sort of similar era, Frank. I, Janet and Faith, Pierre, just so you're aware, they were two sort of similar era, Frank. I think Janet was a bit earlier. But they were very, I was saying to Ross, Faith, Janet was a little bit more sort of

archers listeners, whereas Faith wasn't afraid of pitching up on 321 with Dusty Boy. No, no, Faith was, she was out there in many ways. So we'll return to the Ross Noble thread. Yes. What,

Frank, the Daleks, yeah, see, they don't have curves, do they? I met a Dalek on Sunday.

Give them some advice. And I still, yeah. Yeah. Next time you invade Earth, why don't you land a... Oh, yeah.

What about, what about kill? It's only one syllable. It's easier than exterminate. Do you know? He would say that. I'm standing next to the Dalek. I said, well, you have a photo with our Dalek?

And I said, yes. So I stood on my arm around the Dalek. Where do you put your arm? It's quite tricky there, isn't it? Just underneath the sort of circular grating bit, just above the bobbles. As the actress said to the thing. You've got to be careful, you don't want to,

you've got to be careful with personal space with the Daleks. Yeah, but then I did it and suddenly the soccer moved on the Dalek and the Dalek went it's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming home. And there was someone operating it,

which I didn't know. So that was a very fine moment, I must say. I was at another Comic-Con, in case you're wondering. I remember I went to a Comic-Con a few weeks ago. I went to one at Olympia. Brilliant.

That was in London? Yeah. Two? ago i went to one at olympia brilliant i was in london yeah i um i got my photos with david tennant and jodie whittaker now i know i'm a bit old for that kind of thing but no one would ever say that at a comic-con that's what i love about it they're my people as i've said you make some friends oh you know what i did? I met, the woman who showed me around was a woman called Jill and when they said yes Jill will meet you at the door I was expecting like corporate woman pinstripe suit this is what you normally

meet, laminae and when I saw Jill I thought oh good she's one of us. She belonged at Comic-Con, I could tell. And I said, what are your favourite things, Jill? And I can't remember, but one of them was A-Team, which you don't meet many A-Team enthusiasts. I was very impressed by that. I'll tell you a bit more about it, because I had a few interesting... Obviously, I'll show you guys photos in the interim. Oh, come on. If you don't mind coming to Ireland with interim. Oh, I can't wait. If you don't mind coming to Ireland with me.

Oh no, that's an interim. Sorry everyone. To do that again, Geoff. Live. Gosh. We've heard from Todder. Looking forward to tomorrow night, i'd ask you to keep your personal correspondence off air please yes um tomorrow night at the london palladium is um absolute live which is the stand-up show that we do every year for the Teenage Cancer Trust. I say for them, to raise money for them. It's not just them who turn up.

I think, I don't know, I mean, you know, for me, there's always tickets left for everything. I don't mean just for me because I get my agent to phone them. But when someone sold out, there's always tickets when someone

sold out, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because what they mean is we've just got singles or something like that.

But anyway, if you want to come tomorrow night, it's incredible, Bill. I mean, yeah,

I'm coming. I mean, not that that would particularly lure you along, but I will be watching you, Frank.

There's Ramos, Ranganathan, and Ed Byrne, and Chris McCaw, and Matt Ford, Zoe Lyons, Kelly Godlin, There's Ramos, Ranganathan and Ed Byrne and Chris McCaw. Zoe Lyons. Matt Ford.

Zoe Lyons. Kelly Godleman. Kerry Godleman. Glenn Moore? No. No. No? Never again.

No, we love Glenn Moore. I know. He's not available. Piano Vellis I might be looking for, but no. He said he doesn't do free stuff. No. I was going to say, doesn't do free stuff. No. I was going to say, he has not said that. Never. I will be in the theatre,

but I'll be playing the organ deep within the bowels of the building. Of course, with a mask on. Looking forward to it. Oh. Looking forward to it. Ultra Magnus has been in touch with a little video Magnus has provided us with. This is a cat from Le Café des Chat in Paris helping themselves to my water.

Unlike the Savage Badil, I did not drink any more of it. No. I don't know about the Savage Badil. The thing is, water is readily available, isn't it? What's great about this video, which I think we might have to share, is that there's a little side glance to the camera. Yes. As if to say, I know what I'm doing.

English. English. Come here and drink our O. Do I shock your bourgeois tendencies by drinking your water? I drink your water. Your rust beef? But all cats, they're French. They're all French. They've got that French manner about them.

They're Parisian. You speak to them in French and they ignore you. Exactly. Never reply. Do you know, they are so Anna Wintour cats, aren't they? We'll have David getting in touch because he's a big defender of the cats. He better be. Well, he's probably part cat. He's eaten that much of their saliva.

He's cat people. Do his sort of halftime snacks follow a sort of cat base? Tins of tuna and sardines? Anything a cat would also like. Last night it was it was dips last night because he was going out for a Friday night dinner as Jews do

after the after the England game so we had light snacks what did you have? some very nice olives whiskers he had whiskers obviously Some very nice olives. Whiskers? Yeah. He had whiskers, obviously.

Did you have one of those fish carcass with just the bones? Like getting Tom and Jerry. Yes, exactly. And then he ate it all. In one big, like, whoop, like he stuck his head up and tipped it. I used to find that very satisfying in cartoons. One of the few things I liked about cartoons, because as you may know, Pierre, I loathed cartoons as a child.

I can't understand that. They made no sense. I found them very depressing. One of the things I... I just showed Emily a picture of me at Comic-Con with David Tennant. Lovely picture. And I'm wearing a cardigan

and a sort of normal shirt jacket thing. And I was thinking of telling people there that I'd gone as Pa Kent, who was the old guy who sort of adopted Superboy when he landed on it. It's one of the most subtle cosplay figures. John Deere

baseball cap. Anyone's got any other subtle cosplay figures? I'd enjoy that. Well, some people do just come with one part of a costume or something. Someone will just come with the Infinity Gauntlet

and not go full Thanos. Presumably there are some Doctor Who... Are there any regular people? I mean, there are, but... Yeah, well, when I went to the previous one, I was looking for the Doctor Who section and I saw someone as the first Doctor walking past. I said, excuse me, where's the Doctor Who?

He said, it's just over there. So that's quite... That's quite handy. I'll tell you what I'd go as. I've only seen about one episode, three episodes, I think, of Doctor Who. I would go as the Jadoon, who are the rather overweight hippo things. Yeah, Reiner. Okay, whatever.

They go into a coffee shop and they do you remember this? they interrogate a man and they incinerate him and he wears an apron I'd go as him as the man in the yeah I know

in the coffee shop man I'll tell you what the ladies like in the cosplay they like Princess Leia when she was the prisoner

of Jabba the Hutt and she's in a sort of a it looks like a regency balcony based bikini oh yes it's the ladies that love that isn't it? well they dress up

I don't know if they're made to but not by me Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Ruth Jordan one of our regulars, has a question. Which of David's cats ate the pasta? One of the ginger ones or his taut Eleni? See, a bit of taut here.

Oh, taut. Very good. And a lovely bit of self-awareness. Sorry good and then she says in a lovely bit of self-awareness sorry that's very chivalry yes she says

I don't stalk David by the way but his cats are very famous on Twitter they're not dancing around the aforementioned maypole

I was so horrified I can't even remember what colour the cat was. It was just like a cat and my food. And that juxtaposition sort of blocked out everything else, all the details. What happens to a cat when it eats parmesan? It's surely not good. I don't know. I need to check this up.

I spend my life Googling, can a dog eat? So many options come up when I put that in. Can a dog eat Twister lollies? Can a dog eat Vegemite? Hmm. What's the news on Vegemite? Yes and no. Oh.

So Twister lollies are fine. What you've got to look for is Xylitol. No Xylitol. But it turns out Twisters are fine. There are so many other things a dog... Can a dog eat bacon? Yes, but in small quantities. Well, I...

A lot of salt. I heard a fabulous example. You know when someone says something and you think, have you just arrived from the planet Mercury? Because my publicist, who I love Lucy, said to me I had, when I was waiting for the Chris Evans interview

I said to I said to the lady who was looking after us I said, all in corduroy she was like a fingertip that had been in the bath What, sort of a corduroy, she was. Yeah, it looked like a fingertip that had been in the bath. What, sort of a corduroy suit? Yeah, sort of, not a onesie, cat suit, I think they used to call them.

Yeah, then she ate all my parmesan. No, she didn't. And I said, could I get some marma on toast? That would be my dream breakfast. So she went off and brilliantly she found it, which I was very impressed by and then my publicist said it's weird isn't it marmite because i can't stand it but my dad absolutely loves it it's a really weird thing and i said yeah i said it's, it is, it divides people doesn't it?

She said it does, it really does, like some people. And I thought in a minute you're going to laugh and say, but no. Really? Yeah. So I said that's a very good point you've made there, which I will quote you on the next time someone talks about mine. Really? You'll be listening to this maybe and getting furious.

But it was amazing. And he loves it, and I hate it. I mean, how weird is that? So it's like someone organically in the wild at a bus stop saying, God, there's two now, and we've been waiting for these buses for ages. It's like that. It's exactly like that.

Bless her. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. bless her I've finished speaking well John Hopkins re-mild cosplay I mean that there then and there is your fantasy start to any correspondence

so this is cosplay when you haven't really gone the whole way. I was once at Blackpool away, and there was a group of blokes, obviously on a stag weekend, dressed in Max Wall bald wigs. Oh, yeah. Max Wall was a sort of comedian from the 50s and 60s who wore black tights and had partly bald head and partly long hair. How would you describe his act? I would say he sort of walked strangely.

Comedy walks, that was the... That's all you needed back then. Yeah, that was the crux of it, I think. He just came on and did a funny walk. Yeah, people loved it. Keep it simple. A middle-aged man, so you've got these blokes on a stag weekend in max-balled wigs. A middle-aged man, so you've got these blokes on a stag weekend

and Max Waldwigs. A middle-aged man walked in wearing the same and just sat on his own. He was absolutely nothing to do with them. He just had a natural one. Strange. Yeah, it seems so. That's bad luck on his part, isn't it?

Yeah. Funny he'd done a funny walk up to the bar. They always used to play that. And he'd do the funny walk to them. Did he speak, Maxwell? Was he silent? Yes, he went. I saw Maxwell do Crabbe's Last Tape

at the Midland Arts Centre. And apparently Samuel Becky, who wrote Crabbe's Last Tape, And apparently Samuel Beckett, who wrote Crapslash Type, said that Maxwell was one of the best interpreters of his plays. Oh. So he had a serious acting side as well. Some comics do. Not Frank.

You do, Frank. I do a bit of Doctor Who audio drama. Does that count? No, I'll tell you what you've done. You did that Johnny Cash one. Was that serious drama? Yes. You did art.

Okay, thank you, darling. Okay. Don't put yourself down. Lovely little actor. I admire humility in all people. And you did Perkins on the train. Oh, that was brilliant. With the jadoon yeah there wasn't a jadoon in that okay i'm sorry i don't i don't pay attention too much um we've had a lot more

support than i'm happy with for eating cat food eating cat food is a bit of a shorthand version of what happened i think once that's happened to it, it's cat food by definition. What have they said, Pierre? They've just all said variations on, yeah, sure, no problem. What with eating post-cat? Post-cat repellent, I'd say. No. Really?

But it's not the worst news I've heard about food recently, Frank. Go on. To segue onto a... No, I love a segue. You wrote it on one this morning. Yeah, I did. Mine's bucked outside. I've got a tandem one with Lembe Opik.

Not like Piers Morgan. He's not a fan. Piers Morgan? Do I call him Piers? Piers Morgan. That's what a German calls this show. Exactly. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So regarding the dinner party news I was referring to, it's not just cats ruining food or having controversial incidents involving food.

Apparently dinner parties are over. Yes, apparently it's become very uncool, the whole concept of the dinner party. I was aghast when I read this. I was aghast. It's a dinner party. No, if dinner party is an unacceptable phrase, what happens when someone gets out the lazy Susan?

You'd think that that must have surely gone into disgrace as a term. Well, rather brilliantly, they used the phrase. In one of the articles I read, they said dinner parties have become rather old hat which is in itself rather old hat as a phrase but yeah the idea, I mean I've got to be honest as a child of

dinner party culture, someone who I mean I went to my first dinner party I can barely remember, I would have been a few months old but I do think remember. I would have been a few months old. Gosh. But I do think they are... I think they can be a little hyacinth bouquet, I find. Get out the chinaware, you know, show off all your bits.

Yeah. I find that aspect of it... I don't like it so much. I like the younger ways. These young people, they just meet each other. They meet their friends out in places, don't like it so much. I like the younger ways. These young people, they just meet each other. They meet their friends out in places, don't they? See, we used to say, do you fancy coming round my house on Tuesday

and having a doss? Which meant just lying around and talking, doing nothing. There was no food. We didn't even get a glass of water. You just go around and do that. And exist. But I'm a late adopter for the dinner party. And I, apart from the fact I get very,

something that breaks my heart at the dinner party is when people go off into small groups at the table. So I say something inevitably hilarious and only like maybe a third of the table has heard it that I find frustrating yes that's I really want to say I don't know if you

Aldi I don't know if you heard that do you want to turn them Dave it's a bit weird me telling them off but I do find that frustrating I don't I like sometimes you still get the old separation of the women will talk together and the men will talk together. I don't like it. I want the full audience.

I'll tell you what I don't like, is when you feel you've been given a seat, and then, it's all right, these people are OK, but you look over to your left, and you're seeing people laughing hysterically, and you think, I should have been, that was my seat. Yeah. I should have been there.

Over on the other side of the table is a man dressed as a sort of archduke laughing with someone in a bishop's mitre. What's that about? Look at that. Imagine the anecdotes. And then I'm sat there in my penitentiary outfit do you know what i mean i just i always feel i have terrible fomo i've always i spend the i get terrible anxiety thinking i've not sat in the best seat i've not been sat in a good seat here don't tell me you haven't thought about frame um maybe i i'm never quite sure of the when they

should you be with your partner or should they be separated? You know that thing that if you sit next to your partner, you'll just talk to her. So some people put the place, say you sit there, and they deliberately separate you. Supposed to sort of alternate, yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

I sat with, I went to a do on Sunday night, Saturday night, and I was with Jonathan Ross and his wife Jane, Jane Goldman, the screenwriter, and I was with Grayson Perry, and I spoke to him most of the night. And I did remember thinking, this is, I did well here with Grayson. That's who you want to be sitting next to, because, you know, bit of art, bit of all that, talked about comedy, it's great.

So, yeah. Who was Cath with? Jonathan Ross, mainly. Oh, she was with Jonathan. Well, she did well too. So, yeah, that worked out brilliantly. But I usually think I can make a dull guest a good one just by not letting them interfere with the conversation.

We're talking about the death of the dinner party. I think it's exaggerated. Well, it turns out that 70% of people said they would wear a tracksuit and sweatshirt rather than dressing up for the dinner. Yes. Which is extraordinary. But that is the modern world, of course. I saw a man this morning as I drove in quite early, a man older than me in a tracksuit,

not running, just, you know, going to get a pint of milk or something. Shambling. When I was growing up, it would have to be like a boxing trainer to see a man that age in a tracksuit. So that's taken over. I can understand the lure of elastication. Yes, it implies great gorging intent. Someone showed up to your dinner party

specifically wearing flexible clothes. Yeah, exactly. Very boxing day. I don't mind. I mean, I don't expect a smoking jacket and that. Not unless you invite a meerkat. Do they have tails, meerkats? They have little tails.

So they have a little hole at the back to stick it. I think they have a little hole at the back. Yeah, so they'd be much bigger. They would, and in fact, dead. Because Foxy Bingo, of course, he has his suits, he has them tailored. He favours velvet as well, doesn't he?

He favours velvet, but he has a waistcoat. Actually, he's a bit more low rent. I suspect he might be velour. Well, again, he's the Janet Brown to the Faith Brown. I think Foxy Bingo's a bit more Faith Brown. And me, a cat, he's a cut above. Yes, yeah. Would you say?

Yeah. I don't know. I love Faith Brown. I'm not saying I don't love Faith. I love Foxy Bingo. I'll tell you one of my problems with a dinner party is when you take something as a contribution and then it never comes out.

Mmm. They're hoarding your... But that's considered bad manners, isn't it? That's why. You see, if I take a box of chocolates, I want them... Terry's all gold. Look, you know,

I'm very happy with them to have the first trawl. Sure, OK, yeah. But I do want, eventually, to have a go at, you know, maybe the unpopular creams. Great band. Yeah. But I don't want to not see it again. No.

How do you know? I'm bringing that for the dinner party. I'm not just buying them some chocolates that they can have when so are. No. It's part of the, you know, the contribution to the evening. Yes. You don't want to hear the clank of the cellar doors as they store your chocolates away for the next winter.

You know, some people take alcohol, which, as you know, I don't approve of. But I think the alcohol doesn't always come out either. No, that's true. Well, I'll tell you what's always a bit awks is when the alcohol is brought, I'll tell you what's always a bit awks, is when the alcohol is brought, I don't really drink these days,

but I do sometimes bring a bottle, and just out of politeness, and it's when you bring quite a decent bottle, and they say, oh, thank you, that's lovely, and then it's put away, and then an inferior bottle is produced. Well, you know, I mean, we spoke to the two young women who work on this show

and neither of them seemed very au fait with the dinner party as a concept. Fie a bit more. She was a bit more au fait, but she always is. Au fait? Yeah. My friends and i have dinner

parties every now and then with each other but i'm the sort of person who uses the phrase aghast yes that doesn't that doesn't surprise me if someone came for dinner at your if i came for dinner at your house what what soundtrack might i expect soundtrack yeah uh i would let i would let the i would let the algorithms pick some jazz. I don't think I would trust myself to. And I will not be coming. Just for the

background music. You've got the biltong to serve as well. Various meats. Yeah, he loves meats. Did you serve a

plate of meats? Actually, the last time we were supposed to have a dinner party that we cancelled on the morning of. No, later.

A few hours notice. Why? I don't know. No, later. A few hours notice. Oh, why? I don't know. Some stupid reason. The old COVID excuse, I suppose. It's getting a bit more suspect as it goes on. Yeah, I've got a bit of trench foot.

Oh, come on. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Jack Ryan, I would just like to return briefly to oh I'll do it it's the top of the hour it turns out oh I can't apologise enough

it's alright this is Absolute Radio I'm Frank Skinner I'm with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli you can text us on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. All capital letters.

I never noticed that before. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I'm sorry. Whatever I'm to HTTP slash. Is that gone? Forward slash. They used to love saying a forward slash. Oh, HTTP slash. Is that gone? Forward slash. They used to love saying a forward slash. Pete, presenters always felt very sort of modern when they said that.

Do you get backward slashes? Yeah. You do at my age. You do. I'm sorry. I launched in at the top of the hour. I got too... Don't worry.

I was all Roy Keane. It's fine. By the way, what do you make of his look roy keen's look at the moment that question to nazarene follower frank skinner um i like it there's something about an irishman and a beard that feels right i think i can imagine uh roydon as i came home on monday night and it's got it's got... So I like that, yeah. It's got a sort of folky feel to it. Oh, OK. Jack Ryan, years ago...

I bet he's got one. Jack Ryan? Yeah. Jack Ryan has got in touch with Kat Gate. Oh, yeah. And Badil. Years ago, I moved into a new house and my housemates kindly offered to cook me dinner on my first night.

After the meal, they put the plates on the floor to let the cats eat from it. It grossed me out. Am I wrong? Perhaps they didn't get a dishwasher. Surely a dishwasher over the long term is cheaper than a cat. That's a good question. That's a good question, actually. That's a phone Martin Lewis. Yes.

What's he called again, Frank? Money-saving expert? Yeah, I believe so. He was the guy I watched him interviewed on telly, Pierre. You know when people have their books in the background? He got his MBE on the shelf. Really? I quite like that.

I should have warned him. I quite like that. He should award it. Yeah. Go the whole way. Is he money-saving expert for life now? Does it award, does it take it to someone else? If he goes bankrupt, then I'm afraid that's going to be called into question. Yes, yeah.

Daph Anderson gets in touch regarding the whole cat pasta debacle and says, depends on the cat cat really, doesn't it? No, Daph. No, it doesn't. No. Rolling. All you need is the categorisation cat. Yeah, exactly.

Or if it's a cat with a monocle and a top hat. Oh, well, no, look at him. Yeah, exactly. That's close if it was a cat that had been kept in super hygienic conditions. But even so, you'd feel that some sort of bacteria would come from the inner being of the cat. Exactly, even a freshly boiled cat, not safe.

Oh, no, you've gone too far. You've gone too far. Can I say, we on Absolute Radio do not support the boiling of any animals. It's very cruel. Well, you know, obviously, if they're dead, we've got to bought them. Eggs. We're all out with eggs, I think, aren't we? I know, but Pierre's more good.

He's become a bit more... Pierre does all his own slaughtering. Immune to it. I don't know if you're aware of that. No, but he's also... It's the safari world he's used to. It is. That's true.

Money-saving expert, Home Abattoir. Oh, Piers. I could see him wrestling with a sheep in the kitchen. No, he's done that. How old were you when you saw the Big Five for the first time? Oh, God, I don't know. That's a tough question.

Do you think he was quite young, Frank? What are they again? Lion, Tiger, water buffalo. No tiger. And water buffalo is the one that people normally don't get. Frank, this is controversial. No tiger. I didn't know that.

Why not? No tigers in Africa. No, no tigers in Africa. Lovely that he knows that. What is it? What have we got then? Elephant, lion, water buffalo. Not a rhino, not elephant either.

Not elephant. There's definitely elephants in Africa. I've seen them. They were plants. No, no. They were eating plants. I actually saw elephants in Africa doing that squirty thing at each other

at a watering hole. Brilliant. I didn't think they really did that. I thought that was like a Beano thing that they did. But they actually do it. He still hasn't, come on, the big five, you reckon, Lion? You said, Frank's gone Warthog.

That's a bit weird. I know, I said Water Buffalo. Oh, okay. Yeah, Water Buffalo's true. That's the one people don't expect. No, that's the one that sticks here. That's my Brad Dexter, which tends to be the one of the magnificent seven actors

that people don't get. That would be a good texting. What are the last jigsaw piece of a quiz question that people don't get, the one they don't get? I think that would be a good 8, 12, 15. I'd love to hear that. That could either be nothing or it could be one of the great text-ins of all time.

We'll see. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we've already had people texting in re-your... It was lovely where you put it. It was the final jigsaw puzzle piece that people in a quiz question

that people don't often get we've got three zero zero the other member of queen oh that's a good one

that's a good the one that isn't Roger Taylor Peter John Deacon yes very good what Brian so Brian, Freddie, Roger

and John Deacon I did know that, now you say it of course I know it but would I have got that in a quiz question well probably not but it's your jigsaw puzzle we've also this sounds can I say 677 Pierre sounds like a lovely friend for me.

Hi Frank and team, I saw Max Wall in Waiting for Godot at the Roundhouse many years ago. Only let down by not saying Godot, but we'll let you off. They should have just said I saw Max's Godot. I didn't wait. Oh, I'm afraid they didn't enjoy it. They left in the interval. Is that quite a common way for. I didn't wait. Oh, I'm afraid they didn't enjoy it. Oh. They left in the interval. Oh.

Is that quite a common way for, I didn't wait? I like it. I didn't wait. Well, as in, I didn't wait for Godot. Yes. Oh, I see. They didn't wait for Godot. I left a Lauren Bacall play at the interval. I just couldn't handle it.

Oh. Well, we't handle it. Oh. Well, we were generally discouraged from leaving. My parents wouldn't allow it. There was one time when we made an exception, though, which was when we saw a production of Tommy done in a school gym in Edinburgh. And it was getting unbearable, frankly. So, unfortunately, we had to walk across the stage

in order to leave. Especially in a gym. You don't want to get your foot caught on that sticky tape that marks the netball court. Those little squeaky trainer noises as you all leave. Don't you hate it when the netball... What about when

Frank got given an award, and what put him off, it tainted the whole evening for him, was that the award ceremony was held in a place and he could see the outlines of the school, of the netball court. Yes. On the floor. They put you off.

Yeah, I don't think it was a school. I think it was like a proper arena. But even so. Oh. Get a carpet over the basketball. For goodness sake. Did you stand on the little penalty spot and accept the award? Oh, it's the only time in my life I think I've ever got a stand innovation was that night.

Hmm. Yeah. You don't get many stand innovations in comedy. You ever had one, Pierre? No, it's a very American thing. Yeah. They'll just do it on principle over there. In sincere offering.

It means nothing yeah okay good to know I love you two telling yourselves no one gets standing ovation yeah no one

gets standing ovation Steve Coogan told me the first ever gig he did he got a standing ovation did he that sounds

fantastic I wouldn't tell anyone that I'd be too ashamed that I had that kind of mass appeal That sounds fantastic to me. I wouldn't tell anyone that. I'd be too ashamed. That I had that kind of mass appeal. Straight away. Yeah. You've got to start questioning what you're up to if you're getting that kind of response.

From everyone. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've been talking about the missing jigsaw piece. In quiz questions or quiz answers, yeah. So I suggested Brad Dexter, if you say name the seven actors who played the Magnificent Seven, he'd be your goldmine that no one got. Magnificent Seven. He'd be your goldmine that no one got.

Not everyone would get Hurst Buchholz, probably, but I think he was one. What about my little friend? Go on. James Coburn, would they get him? Not really. No, no, they'd get him. The big five, Robert Thorne, Steve McQueen, James Coburn, Yul Brynner. They get that.

I'm quite glad he was in the big five. Yeah. Ruth Jordan. People never remember the last Osman brother. Let me have a go. Donny, Jimmy, Meryl. Russell. Russell, have you just made that up Russell Osman by for Ipswich

Russell Howard now who's the other one then hang on what about there's Marie obviously she's not one of the brothers you mentioned a girl just now didn't you no Meryl was one of the brothers okay

Ruth Jordan people never remember the last Osman brother Richard now, didn't you? No, Meryl was one of the brothers. Okay. Ruth Jordan, people never remember the last Osman brother, Richard. Is that a Richard Osman? Oh, she led me on. Very good, Ruth. Oh, Ruth. We've also had, oh,

Iona Fazz. She says, in his epic poems, Homer often refers to nectar as the drink of the God and which other substance as their food. A contestant on TV replied, well, I know he likes doughnuts, so I think I'm going to go with doughnuts. That is true. That is brilliant. I love that. And then we have M. Higgins.

Oh, Mr. Higgins. At least put professor. Put your full title. The five boroughs of New York. There's one people always forget. Have you seen this one? Oh, yes. That's a hard question.

Well, I can give you the four if you like. The big four. New York, Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx, Brooklyn. And? Do you know it? Well I'm looking at it. Of course he does. Oh okay. Go on.

Piers, you don't know it. Staten Island. Oh okay. There's an Ogden Nash poem. Ogden Nash wrote comical poems and he writes one about New York and there's a bit that goes it's just a two line poem

The Bronx, no thonks Oh this is a good one 813 I mean Frank will know this for reasons that will become clear The four presenters of Game for a Laugh Is it Ambrosia the other thing? Yes

The four presenters of Game for a Laugh. Is it Ambrosia, the other thing? Yes, very good. The four presenters of Game for a Laugh. Your witness, Frank. Henry Kelly, Matthew Kelly, Sarah Kennedy. Yeah, all the Ks. Yeah.

Was it Sarah Kennedy? Lovely, all the Ks. Was it Sarah Kennedy? Lovely. Played. There was a fourth one, was there? There was. We'll find out who that was in a bit. After this, I bet the audience are on the edge of their seats. What was we discussing?

Oh yeah, the fourth member of... We was discussing the four presenters of Game for a Laugh. I don't know the fourth one. I'm going to fess up. Well, you do. Do I? Yes. So you've already established...

I know Henry Kelly because he goes to my church. I see him in there quite often. Well, I know him, obviously. What am I? A Catholic. And you know Matthew... Kelly. Kelly.

Matthew, Henry and Sarah Kennedy. I can exclusively reveal Sarah Kennedy was the jigsaw. Oh, so who didn't I get who was obvious? I might hand over to my colleague for that reveal. Julian Pettyfer. No, that's gone. What? What?

No. Oh, is that wrong? Yes, he's missed the big one. You've missed the lion. You didn't mention Jeremy Beadle. Of course. Jeremy Beadle. Of course. You didn't mention Beadle.

That was a terrible exclusion. How can you exclude Beadle? Well, it's a good question. Generally. Yes. Okay. But he does say yes. That said, if Ask Two presented Bussman's Holiday, I bet more people would say Sarah Kennedy than Julian Pettyford.

I'd say, what's Bussman's Holiday? So would I. So would all of us. That's from Andy Wood, Bronte Country. Do you know Andy Wood? Never mind. Oh, I'll tell you what, back to the dinner party thing. Did I ever tell you when we tried a revolutionary dinner party in which the guests, one of the guests said,

I'll cook, but at your house. So her and her husband came, I think, and they handled that, the cooking, and they just sent a list of what we had to buy in advance. And it worked sort of brilliantly because they love cooking. I hate cooking, and so does my partner. We don't really cook. And so they came. We'd done all the shopping they cooked the

meal uh we did all the washing up after obviously and they just got the praise for the meal that sounds like a good deal it was more people should try that that could revive the dinner party i remember their problem was they brought all this praise as guests do and they hadn't got anywhere to put it so at one point i remember the woman said it's a lovely crew it this where did you get it i thought no that's rubbish praise lovely crew it not good enough but i would recommend people trying that it's great that someone else does the shopping and the washing up. You just get the glory.

Yeah. And also you don't have to eat rubbish. Well, I've been invited, I've got to say, whenever I go round to Frank's, I like it. It is more of a doss, isn't it, that I do?

It is. We don't. We doss. I mean, he'll say, oh, you know, I'll come over. And Cathy is very good. Frank seems to be... At. Well, she know, I'll come over. And Cathy is very good. Frank seems to be...

At. Well, she... What's that? At. No, she'll say, are you hungry? And she'll make me toast. Yeah, but that's what you get. It's the microwave and stuff.

Okay. Frank does the tea. Oh, I read an interesting thing the other day about the microwave. A man... I love this. A man... Pierre will probably know this. he knows everything but a man was working on a radar you know when radar was invented and he was working on a smaller system so that people could use radar more locally and he realized when he was experimenting that the chocolate bar in his pocket had completely melted.

And he'd accidentally invented the microwave. But it was like, he was in it. He happened to be in it at the time. Oh, man, I love that. Did you know that, Pierre? I knew the story. See, you can't tell him anything. Do you know, in Britain, when it was introduced in

the 50s, what the microwave oven was initially used for? Oh, God. I don't know. Shall I tell you? Go on. Reviving cryogenically

frozen hamsters. Oh, God. Music. Music. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Oh, God. Music. We're also, we've had a number of people, Frank, getting in touch.

I mean, there's so many Queen members being cited. There's other Queen members? No. They don't have

any more members. But we're just saying a lot of people... What I'm saying is Queen seemed to be in the jigsaw puzzle chair, jigsaw piece chair. I thought there might be one that we didn't know about. It wasn't even John Deak. You know those pictures from Bohemian Rhapsody?

He was doing it, but he wasn't very well lit. He was at the back. Ironically, I hate to say it, but, you know, things have changed now. Now the, I worry that the one person people that are less aware of is the lead singer. Let's be honest. Yeah, Lombe.

Yeah. It's a very unnecessary accent, which I, can I ask you about that choice for the accent? I don't know, isn't there a ballet Lombe? And so it seems to me that he should be Adam Lomber. That seems to make sense. Yeah, and that's more operatic

than Lambert. Yeah, and he's quite an operatic kind of a guy. Yes, Adam Lambert sounds more... Like a footballer. Yeah. It sounds more like he'd look after my finances.

Yeah. Hello, could you just tell her Adam Lambert called from America? Yeah, certainly. I think he sounds like a footballer. Do you, could you just tell her Adam Lambert called from America? Yeah, exactly. I think he sounds like a footballer. Do you, Adam Lambert?

Bring on Lambert, people would yell from dark corners of pubs. Yeah. Yes. Bring on. It's always the same. I like Pierre's

take on football. Although, in fairness, he's right. From what I can tell, it's mainly people shouting to bring on other people. Yes. You're not wrong.

Last night it was bring on Foden, bring on Grealish. And then they get one of them and they're happy, but they're upset about the other one. I was pleased about the other one because from the beginning of the game, I said to Dave and the other assembled people in the room that now he'll bring Jordan Henderson on because he always does. And then he did. And so I got that moment

where you've predicted something and it actually happens. Oh, I love it when that happens. Even Nostradamus apparently never wore off that thrill. Did he not? No, whatever it was. Though, of course, if he'd have predicted it,

he would have said, and the sun will shine on a white gate. And then when Jordan Henderson came on, he'd have said, I told you. Would you like to have been friends with Nostradamus, Frank? Do you think he would have been a nice friend for you? Yeah, I think he'd have been. I like the mystical in a companion.

But it's a bit, I told you so. He's a little bit of that going on here. I think he would have been quite annoying. Yeah. Because you would have said, you didn't tell me that. He said, oh, I did. I intentionally left two consonants out to throw you. But if we got to the point where we were sleeping together,

he'd be great for telling you what clothes to put out for the next day. Sleeping together with anostradamus. Why not? Why not? Hello, magazine. I just think he's being... Big scandal. You'll never guess.

Frank and Nostradamus show you their dream home. Their beautiful home. Oh, fantastic. Oh, dear. And you've got no calendar. We don't need one, darling. Oh, man. So, um...

Oh, dear. We live in a world now where I could marry Nostradamus It's the couple we never predicted We were born too early Me and him And all that tickled me So did Nostradamus It was the beard

It wasn't deliberate So if the good Lord spares us And the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out