The Frank Skinner Show - Central Pork

Episode Date: June 26, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a ‘whatever happened to’ and a question about R.E.M. The team also discuss Courteney Cox’s Emmy snub, trap jokes and THAT Domestos joke.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215 by the way. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio at your leisure. And you can email the showvar the Absolute Radio website if you overmind you, as we would have said back home. Morning, boys. Good morning. Morning.

I like at your leisure and if you overmind you. We're in Transatlantic today. Exactly. It's always good to have alternatives because you don't know who you're going to meet. You could be in a Bureau de Change, for example, and you never know who's going to come in next and from whence. Do you still get the... I miss the Bureau de Change. You know what? I've had a whole burst.

You know, we used to do a thing on this show called Whatever Happened To. Yeah. This was, as some of you may have guessed, this was the jingle. Whatever Happened To And then it would be a thing that i hadn't seen for a long time and i sort of had a few this week come to my mind but the bureau de change i thought still uh oh i think it's i think it still exists doesn't it otherwise where do people get their charge. I think it exists, but I imagine the, I don't know, I imagine people are less likely

to take too much cash abroad with them, you see. Do people still use cash? Yeah, but you thought, it was a revelation to you maybe six months ago that traveller's checks were a thing of the past.

I know, well I got, I had a long conversation at a New York hotel desk about they wouldn't cash my traveller's checks. I didn't even mention the luncheon vouchers. But, yeah, Bureau de Change. If I, and one never writes this off, you know, I used to have an enormous drinking problem if i was homeless if i was homeless i would sit outside a bureau de change that would

be my slot and as people came in and out i'd say have you got any spare change please just so i still had a bit of comedy in my life even in that period of hardship and perhaps loneliness. Goodness. If there's any homeless people listening, you can have that. It might lead to you having lots of it might lead to you having lots of small denomination foreign coins

which may not be ideal for the purchases that you're hoping to make. That is true. Lovely euphemism there, Al. The purchases you're hoping to make. That is true. Lovely euphemism there, Al. The purchases you're hoping to make. I like it. I think we all know what the purchase is. I didn't know what his tittle of choice would be in this hypothetical.

Well, no, it wouldn't be. I wouldn't be doing that, of course, if I was. I'd be mainly crisps. I've always dreamt of living on crisps. You know how Nick, is it Nick Cage, who is in a film where he goes to New York to drink himself to death? 808, Absolute Radio. Is it leaving Las Vegas? It could well be.

And I've always thought I had... I think it's Las Vegas. I've got that to fall back on if things go wrong for me I can go to West Bromwich and drink myself to death

okay well that's lovely to know yeah how is everyone well I think you've got to you've got to have a dream

if you ain't got a dream how you gonna have a dream I don't know if you can sing that song anymore i think it's been written off is it problematic i think it's problematic yeah okay you can sing it in the voice i would think well i think it's um i can't even discuss

the grounds without putting all our careers on the line we can't discuss the grounds but i would like to i haven't heard that since i worked at kenco i would like to leave you with this taster okay frank alan you may recall frank made uh a joke combining domestos the product with the character davros from uh Who. Yeah. And he felt it was one of his finest ever jokes. I thought my greatest work. He was very pleased with himself, if I remember right. Well, we've had some responses from the outside world. Anything from Michael Wisher? No. Or is someone who played Davros?

I think Dave. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Give me some Davros. So, Al... And I, we will rule the world! Sorry. Very angry Davros. Al, this is Frank's ultimate fantasy.

Not only is it potential praise with a Doctor Who theme. So, firstly, Simon Lee, I'll just share two with you. Old Simon Lee the Huntsman. Simon Lee says... Anyone who got that, congratulations. Hi all, just finished listening to last week's podcast

and I have to agree that Frank's Domestos joke is one of the best I've ever heard. OK, that's one. I mean, amazing. He won't like one of the. It changed my life. I would say I had a road to Domestos experience.

Well, wait till you hear what Bob has to say. Bob. Fair play. Hearing Frank's Davros Domestos joke In real time Was a privilege Hashtag Where were you when Frank did the Davros Domestos joke

Well that's what I feel like And it's much nicer than when Kennedy got shot It's a more positive celebration Of the human spirit and ingenuity It is Than blowing somebody's head off, for goodness sake. Anyway, I'm going to do one of these. Here we go.

Whatever happened to... Oh, yeah. Whatever happened to people sleeping in the house with a newspaper over their face? My dad would come home, read the paper, and then, because we got the light on and that and the telly for somehow it blocked out everything he'd lie back put the newspaper over his generally the daily mirror and then he would sleep for like an hour or so like that and sometimes you might spot

a dad on the beach oh i found yeah but on the beach you can see it as a protective thing but this was just to keep the light out of his eyes. And I just wondered if anyone still does it. It was an incredible, the closest I've come I spoke to Mo Farah once about sleeping in an oxygen tent but it's

not quite the same is it? No. And did he not get newsprint? This was in the days when the uh the newsprint would have been very hard to tell because we didn't we only washed our face about once a fortnight so uh that wouldn't have been a big uh we didn't often get a bath or shower fan look can i be absolutely honest with you? In order to get hot water in our house, you had to put the coal fire on to heat up the water. I would say me, by the time my brothers and sisters had left

and it was just me, mum and my dad, I would say in a year, if we had five baths between us, that must have been a hell of a summer. Wow. Yeah, it wasn't a thing. We had stuff in the bath. It was a storage area. You know, times have changed.

Well, ours was a storage area. My parents kept alcohol in there sometimes on ice. What took my ass is milk. Ours was in the kitchen as well. It was the cooker and the bath in the same room. Anyway, look, you don't know anything about my... I feel really humdrum now that my family used the bath as a bath. Yeah, well, there you go.

It's so boring. I mean, you know, if there's any young people listening, I think it's good to bathe or shower. You know, I didn't get a toothbrush till I was 13. I'm not saying these are good things. I'm saying, you know, we've all made progress. Here's the thing. Here is a funny thing.

Here is a funny thing. I, for the first, I've got a dog now, and for the first time, there was a, remember my neighbour who brought round the alarm clock of human waste that time? Yeah. Yeah, and also sang, obsessively sang the song Little Georgie Washington Never Told a Lie. Well, another thing, they used to come round and when our dog went absolutely mad on the lady's entrance, they would always, I mean, he did that to everyone who came to the house. He would go crazy.

And she would say, oh, he can smell our dog on me. She always said that. And this week, I was out with the dog and someone stroked and he went mad, she went mad. And the person said, oh, he can smell our dog on me. And it reminded me that this, the next door neighbor said it so much that i started um influenced by my um regular catholic mass going i converted it to a sort of gregorian chant he can smell our dog on me and i used to do it all the time it became a sort of a tick of mine so what

everyday remark of you converted into a liturgical chant at 1215 marvelous anyway what about what about this whatever happened to put in tea in the saucer if it was too hot and drinking it out of that? Oh, yeah. They don't do that. Last of the summer wine. They don't do that anymore, do they, bab?

Do they do it in Last of the Summer Wine? Do they? No, we all do. Everybody did it. Really? A tea must have got a lot hotter in those days because I never experienced tea now and think this is utterly undrinkable.

So tell me what you did. You'd pour it in the saucer and drink it sort of like a cat. No, we didn't know, but we were doing practical... Sort of pour it into your face off a plate. It's like practical physics that if you increase the surface area, the temperature drops more quickly which we didn't know it was doing it in those terms shame we didn't have a jingle for a now for the science

bit exactly yeah popular science as of course people call it yeah the other alternative moment yeah exactly is you could just wait yeah we used to, we used to get our saucers and put tea in them. And we didn't know. Yeah, we didn't know because it's not important. It just worked, Brian. Brian, you're wearing that hoodie again. Come on. And it's all maths.

It becomes maths. We know that as soon as you get into it, science. So relax. It's all maths. It becomes maths. We know that as soon as you get into it, science. So relax. Would you like to know the answer to whatever happened to people

sleeping with a newspaper over their face? I wouldn't. 8.12.50. Matt Henson. Can you save it? Because the producer's doing it. Oh, come on. So because of that, we're going to go have a short break

and then we'll be back with the answer to do people still sleep with a newspaper over their face in a domestic setting. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Whatever happened to people sleeping with a newspaper over their face? Matt Henson... Indoors, this is over their face? Matt Henson... Indoors, this is. Indoors?

Matt Henson says they move with the times. I mean, it's very good. That's very, very fine. OK. Thank you. Quality that. Yeah. That was a good one, so...

See, that's it. You can't sleep with the times over your face anymore because it's behind the paywall. It's true, though. I mean, they're all going online and all. You can always get your free papers now for sleeping stuff. I wonder if they actually absorbed any of the news while sleeping under it.

There used to be a theory that if you put your homework under the pillow when you woke up in the morning, some of it would have soaked into your brain. I mean, if you ever had to do that, that really was the last refuge of the desperate wasn't it yes uh bilbo bakewell oh good has got in touch regarding sidewinder sleeps tonight uh you the bit that sounds like coming to jamaica coming to jamaica coming to j. Coming to Jamaica, coming to Jamaica. I've never known what that...

Am I going to find out what he actually says now? Bilbo has sorted this out for you. He says it's... Michael Stipe is singing Call Me When You Try To Wake Her Up with the backing vocals of Call Me When You Try To Wake Her. Oh, so he's actually saying,

oh, wow, how does he get it all in there? Call me when you try to wake her up. Well, 195 is suggesting that it's Come On In, Try To Wake Her Up. Come On In, Try To Wake Her Up. And 845, who I think might be having a shot in the dark, is suggesting, I always thought that song sounded like it was saying

covered in charred bacon. I'm not sure that's what it is. No, I don't know. Sounds delicious. We're getting into misheard lyrics here. I'm thinking it's a lyric that works a bit like a yard of ale. I don't know if you ever tried to drink a yard of ale, but it's all going very well.

And then if you over tilt, you get a ball of, like a tsunami of beer coming down the pipe towards you and you're in trouble. And it's a bit like this, the lyrics suddenly go, blah, blah, blah,

and it's all bursting out. We still don't quite know what he said. Yard of Ale is what you'd be spending your foreign coins on in that counterfactual outside the Bureau de Changes, isn't it? I didn't like drinking it by the yard. I found it was a bit showy.

I was on the plane back from Ibiza once, and I sat next to a gentleman. Yes. I sat next to a gentleman who had a certificate he was showing me. It was an actual certificate for drinking a yard of ale faster than anyone else in his entire 1830s group. Respect. Can I say there is more to it? Alan's actually clapping.

Alan didn't say legend, which is incredible. No, he was so moved, he could only applaud. I just thought a moment of applause was relevant. To the man's credit, I would say that there's more to drinking a yard of ale than just being able to drink that much beer. There is a technique to it. You've got to know your tilt angles.

He seemed to be all over those. We also have... When you come back on the plane from a beef ad do you see people with like a little bit of foam in their ear from a foam party I love the idea of that

are people in like normal clothes or are they still just in like flowered shorts and beads yeah that sort of stuff he was in stonewashed denim. Oh, OK. You know, we're all God's children. Yeah, yeah.

We're not holding that against him. Did he have a certificate for that as well? To say where the stones were sourced from. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We have from Juan Lyle. Juan? Okay.

Yeah, what's Juan Lyle got to say? A suggestion incorporating an anecdote of mine with the Sidewinder song lyric. Oh, okay. Juan suggests playing back from a beat. Also, it fits very nicely. It does work nicely. Playing back from a beat. I like that.

He can smell a dog on me. No, that doesn't work. It works better as a liturgical chant. He can smell a dog on me. Yes. Can he, though? Love Island's back when this week? We were just talking about that.

Well, it was Al, let's be honest, because he wanted to know the dates to set up his... BBC are trying to bring out a less racy sort of a more, you know, they're doing River Island, apparently. Oh, yeah. There's people going in and trying... I wonder what people will wear. Yeah, exactly.

Not overly expensive jackets and things they can try on in there. There's often a lot of brown wood, I always think, River Island. Yeah. Brown wood finish to their shops. Nice. I've had people watching them. I think they're trying to give it a sort of Howard's Way theme, almost. What, River Island?

Like on the river. Yeah, there's a slight nautical vibe to it. I'd watch. If River Island was on one side and Love Island was on the other, I'd watch River Island. Would you? Such is my loyalty to it. Is it St...

What's their brand? Is it St Anthony or something? Oh, do they... You know when shops have got a brand that's different from their shop? Like St. Michael. St. Michael and... Used to be Marks and Spencer. Yeah.

Yeah, I have a feeling that there's... They don't do that anymore. I think River Island has got its own name. Oh. Am I wrong? If there's anyone out there... I had a friend of mine used to window dress for River Island. Okay, stop showing off yeah um connected john

hopkins boys hopkins he doesn't eat a lot john hopkins he does but not to a degree where it's disturbing he's a lovely regular i think of it because i want sort of one-man play about the victorian priest poet gerard Manley Hopkins, which begins with him saying Hopkins, Hopkins over and over just to hear the sound of his own name. So every time you say it, I think of that. And this week I've actually done it out loud.

That was a poetry song, everyone. Broadcasting to you live. You bet you're a bippy. John Hopkins has a lovely image of you sat outside the Smethwick Bureau d'Echange with a selection of hats to collect all your different currencies. He's suggesting a beret for francs.

Yeah, francs, of course. A fez for your Turkish lira. Isn't the problem that they're all euros, though, most of it? Yes. But he's unencumbered by these details. Okay. Sombrero. Euro.

That would be Mexican pesos. And bowler hat for sterling. Very nice. Oh, nice. The only one that's still legal tender. But if you collect it outside the Bureau de Change, it wouldn't matter if some of your change was from overseas because at the end of the night, at one minute to five,

you could nip into the Bureau de Change and get it all become a little thing. Oh, here's Alfie. You could try, but I bet they wouldn't take coins. Really? I bet they wouldn't. Oh, Really? I bet they wouldn't. Oh, you'd have to go on a plane and put them in that little envelope for the poor children.

Oh, no. And how are you going to do that if you don't have any money? I mean, the whole scheme has fallen to pieces. Oh, sigh! Exclamation mark. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. oh sigh exclamation mark this is Frank Skinner this is

Absolute Radio this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text the show at 8

12 15 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show about that

via the Absolute Radio website. Website. My eye. Sorry. Al, I was going to say we've had contact. We've had contact from Helen Haywood. Thanks for the tip. HH. I'm trying

to tell my partner the Domestos and Davros joke, but I can't remember it. Hell! Two exclamation marks. It went like this. You brought up Davros just Emily just in case anyone thinks I keep

crowbarring in Doctor Who and you say you never really see him at home do you? You never see him relaxing and I said? You never see him relaxing. And I said, no, you never see the domestic life of Davros, or Domestos, as I like to call it. That was the joke.

It fell off me like windfall fruit. There was no previous crafting that I was aware of other than my subconscious comedy genes. Have you seen my comedy genes? Stonewashed. I mean, who knew we'd get the director's cut of the domestic show? Yeah, I thought,

well, it's sort of the commentary, DVD commentary on the domestic show. Yeah. Why not? It's fine. Now, I think we're going to talk about that dark-haired woman from Friends. Oh, Courtney.

Oh, you didn't do it. You're supposed to say Courtney Cox and I say not lately. There's very few jokes. It's a poultry hunting joke. There are very few jokes that you can really lead people into. It's something I've discovered. Why do you think I intentionally avoided that one? If you say my dog's got no nose,

what's the chances of someone saying, how does it smell? Exactly why I'd never ask that question. Yeah, it's very hard. If anyone's got any jokes where you can genuinely entrap the other person into giving you the feed line i'd like to know what they are my wife's gone on holiday yeah but no one's gonna say my wife's gone to the west indies who's gonna say jamaica yeah possibly yeah what about my wife's just gone to uh italy genoa should do we've been married six years and of course my wife's just gone to Italy, Genoa. Should do. We've been married six years.

And, of course, my wife's just gone to Indonesia. Jakarta. No, she went on an airplane. Okay. Or of her own accord was, is that Jamaica? Yeah. We've got all of them here. But people, what I'm saying about those jokes

is that people don't, they don't say. They don't take the bait. Yeah, they don't say Jakarta if you said you've been to Indonesia and they certainly don't say Genoa. It's mainly generally pronounced Genoa and for who would that be the first port of call

if they thought of someone going to Italy? They'd say Rome or Venice. I'm not really sure people's general geography knowledge is good enough for these jokes, actually. No, but there are general jokes where someone, you know, you take my holidays, I can't, I don't have time. That kind of... People don't...

They don't naturally lead you in. And I can try. I mean, I thought Courtney Cox was in with a chance. No, I intentionally avoid those roots, Frank. Okay, I'm sorry. Anyway, Courtney Cox, in case you don't know. Courtney Bass Cox,

I think she was christened. Was she? B-A-S-S. Could be Bass. Oh, is she anything to do with Lance Bass, the cosmonaut who used to be in one of those boy bands? Cosmonaut? Yeah. I know you always ask this, and you say,

what, is he Russian? No, he trained as a cosmonaut, Lance Bass. Google it. Ah, well, now she's one of the... Sounds fishy to me. No, it's true. She's one of the bass cocks. Still, never mind the bass cocks.

Oh, Frank. Let's get of the Bascox. Still, never mind the Bascox. Oh, right. Let's get on. What she's done this week, we should say, Courtney, is bear in mind this is a woman who was in what? Would it be reasonable to call it the biggest sitcom of all time? It's certainly one of, isn't it? Yeah. She was in that for ten years,

and they all ended up on a million pound an episode, a million dollars an episode. Yeah, it's all right, isn't it? It's not bad. But now, I don't know how long it's been since it ended, but now she has been in an interview with Howard Stern, saying... 1996!

..that it still really gets on her nerves that she wasn't nominated for an Emmy in that time whenever all the other cast

were now she is my kind of girl I love that that is still gnawing

oh man good old Courtney. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ultra Magnus has contacted us, one of our regulars. He says, calling Friends the biggest sitcom of all time is doing hashtag Shane a massive disservice well i think i'm probably on fairly safe ground in just case you don't know i i wrote and starred in a sitcom called shane i wrote two series and only one of them was broadcast

over to you i think and you do take a Courtney Cox Courtney Cox public bitterness approach to discussing it I do this is what I like about because Courtney could go on she won other awards while she was doing that show

and then she did Cougar Town and won awards I think we can't get round the fact, you don't have to dig very deep into this conversation, where she mentions that all the others won them. And then she says, now I'd like to have been in the studio when she said this. She said, I was really happy for them. I hope there was a silence in which she looked at Aaron Stern

and pulled the face of, I wasn't! I mean, let's be honest. When I read that, I thought, yeah, it seems legit. Can you imagine now if, let's say on Unplanned, David Baddiel had been nominated, the child who sung, It'll never work, in the opening credits.

And perhaps a makeup artist had all been nominated for a BAFTA and Frank hadn't. I'd have been happy for them. Yeah. To die. Let me finish my sentence, please. Okay. I must say, to die. Let me finish my sentence, please. OK.

I must say, I never... Were you a Friends person, either of you two? Yeah, I liked it. OK. Can I tell you... Obviously, I was a bit... I found the title a bit alienating. Oh, yeah.

In real life, mine have all gone, but I like the sitcom frank approached it with the captain kirk what is this concept of friends you talk of well also i remember there was a period when i thought it was um the way the friends logo is there's like a dot between each letter. And I thought it was one of those shows where you would find out what the actual title was. And it was like, you know, female, red, independent, etc, etc.

Approaching it like some robot or something. No, but why has it got the dots? F dot R dot. Why the dots in the Friends logo? Does it have dots? It has a dot between each letter, yeah. Do you know it was that 90s Comic Sans whole thing, you know, the fonts were all over the shop that day.

It was a very bad font era in the 90s. Yeah. Can I tell you what I thought? I will. Okay. I feel Friends was technically faultless. I would call it the Pete Sampras of TV shows. I like my comedy a little bit more John McEnroe,

a bit more Shane, a bit more Larry Sanders. No, a bit darker in areas and more dangerous. I also had an issue with the fact that, as we know in real life, people that good-looking are never that funny. OK? Right. So don't get the good-looking actors.

Don't give them all these whip-smart lines. I think ugly writers is the answer to that issue, obviously. And I find that's a general rule that people have gone with I like that it's timeless message that good looking people are never short of company I think that's an important thing to hammer

home to the world's youth I was talking about the annoying Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking about the annoying fact that there are some jokes that you have to lead people into giving you the feed line and often they won't do it. Yeah. For example, I went swimming yesterday and a crocodile bit off one of my toes. Nobody ever says which one.

And then you can say, I don't know, those crocodiles all look the same to me. Maybe it would work if you lived near the Amazon or something of that nature. Florida, somewhere like that. Ian Stewart-Dudson. Oh, sorry, Al. No, go on. Oh, thank you. Kindly, gentlemen.

Ian Stewart-Dudson has one for you both. He's even gone to the trouble of ceasing Alan C, which I like. Oh. Let me see. Let me hand this over to you boys. Reprompting joke replies. Have you finished those chores yet? Ah, what chores?

I'll have a yard of ale, thanks very much Oh, well, no one's ever said that What about if someone said that? I'll get around you What are you having, Paul? I'll have a yard of ale, please, Steve Oh That's opportunist

Yeah, if I was buying that round I'd say it's very metric, this pub, I'm afraid. Indeed. No yards. If you were buying a round, I think we'd all be on the floor, mate. Money-saving expert. 030, or 030, if you want to stick with it, is sent as one of these jokes.

With a bar person, this one works with a good lead-in. Order drinks at a bar, i.e. two lagers, cider, gin and tonic, Long Island iced tea, and a matabubu. Said bar person is led into saying, what's a matabubu? At which point,

respond with, nothing, Yogi, what's a matter with you? What's a matabubu? I get it, no Do you get it? What's the matter, boo-boo? I get it. No, I get it. You need to say, what's the matter, boo-boo? Why do you know, Yogi? You need to do all that.

There's no need. You see, I would go, what's the matter, boo-boo? Hey, gardener, respect. I think you're all right with what's the matter, boo-boo, if the barman is in his 60s. Yes. I don't know if Yogi Bear is well known enough to

I'm not just Yogi Bear but Yogi Bear's assistant. You need to know his name as well. It is difficult. We've also had a suggestion. You suggested that Friends had full stops after each of the letters giving it a

sort of a CSI feel. And 630 has suggested forgettable relationships in endless 90s drama series. That's, it's a negative, calling it a drama, but still quite clever, though, I think. It's definitely a comedy. I mean, now they call it a dramedy. You know, that's the new one, isn't it?

There used to be a thing Americans called them a warmedy, which was a show which had a lot of warmth. I think a lot of your modern, not your kind of Mrs. Brand's Boys, but your modern done without an audience sitcoms are based often they're comedians who really want to be actors. And so they keep it fairly drama based. So it might lead to other things. We've also, we've got another go to trap joke.

Okay, producers waving the fares. I'm just going to get this in quickly. Indiana Jones with the hat. This is not just after my lira. Come on, fire it off. He's leaving Friday. Who? Go on, go on.

Robinson Crusoe! There you go. It's very, again, there needs to be a knowledge of not only, it's really, it's a sort of a boo-boo. It's a sort of, yeah, a more literary version of boo-boo. You need to know the sidekick as well as the main character. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Do you know how much those friends got paid for that reunion? I do

Now go on did they all get the same? Yeah Oh yeah they all get the same they're very good like that Oh do they? They're like a handful

for parish council you know they keep things fair They got they basically had to sit on the sofa for 90 minutes and say we loved it. But they got $2.5 million each.

Did they really? Yeah. Yeah. How much would you and David get for... It'll never work! No, we taught them safely. But... I would love it if you did that again.

What I like about... They have their cross to bear, though. I can't think of any programme where you see more pictures of one of the stars looking young and then a picture of them looking old right next. They really cannot stop that with Friends. Yeah.

Oh, what happened to poor Matthew Perry, that picture? I mean, I didn't know Friends, but Emily and Sarah, our producer, were saying that Matthew Perry was, he was the man. He was the funniest guy. I didn't realise that.

I think he was. He was, Chandler was the, well, he sort of altered our entire lexicon, essentially. Did he? Yeah, with the use of so. Okay. In what context? Well, in a very different context to how it had ever been used before.

It's a sort of, how would you describe it, Al? Give us a par example, as we say at the Bureau. It's like an intonation thing the intonation give us an example a classic chambler yeah i don't understand but do you do you not understand no what do you mean you say we emphasize the words with the way he emphasized so well if you are why can't you give me an example? Well, it's just a word. I'm so not doing that. Oh, he did. Oh, he started that, didn't he?

That's him. Jarver invented that. Whoa, whoa. Okay. We all clear on so? That puts him right up there with the whole three-day thing. I found it very tense. Interesting.

I found it so tense. Well, I just didn't understand it. I don't want to be one of those people who pretend they understand something when they don't. Is everyone so across that now? I so get it. Do you think Courtney Cox gets a lot of emails? Courtney Cox gets a lot of emails. From me, she does.

Does she? No, she doesn't. I always thought she was a very lovely lady. I just thought with her initials, she might get a lot of emails. Oh, of course, they used to be my initials in the old days. What would you say about this, boys? Daniel Skipsey, is MASH, M star, A star, S star, H, another acronym titled sitcom, an example of a warmody

yes it's no but it is oh what is it it's something military American no it's not

military American it ends in hospital it's something to do with the hospitals that move about following the zones of war okay

okay but yeah that is but I don't think, I think we've worked out that friends isn't, isn't an acronym. It's so not an acronym. We'll get rid of the dots,

guys. It's not too late. Call in those box sets. Have you got a box set of friends, Em? No. Al?

No. No. Okay. I've got... Nah, never mind. Can I ask you a friend's question? Sure. Sure.

Central perks, which was like the main, like the central, not in their flats place on Friends. Mm. Mm-hmm. Is that, for me, unless I don't get it,

it's a lame kind of a pun, isn't it? Because it's based on Central Park, obviously, but what is the, what are the perks? What does that mean? The coffee perks one up, I think. Is that it? Is that the best they could come up for a joke

that's going to be in every show? I'm trying to help them out. No. You should write them a letter or something. Do you think I have grounds for complaint? Well, that's good. That would have been a better title for the coffee shop. Yeah.

We've had, I've just heard from David Baddiel, which always fills me with happiness. What's he complaining about? He's not complaining. He's just adding to the content this morning. And he has quite correctly pointed out that Chandler's intonation, he was more famed for the use of be,

e.g. could you be any more stupid? I don't know if that was aimed at me. I hope not, David, because I love you and adore you. 5, 7, 3, 7, same point. So that was Chandler who did that as well. I didn't realise there were such linguistic pioneers, the Friends cast. I would say they're correct.

I would say that doesn't make me incorrect because I still would put so in the category of what I call the 90s irony emphasis. Yeah. For example, previously one would say, Oh, my God. Now, since Friends, it's, Oh, my God, now, since Friends, it's oh, my God. OK.

Oh, yeah. So that was Friends, wasn't it? And then, of course, that travelled to OMG, didn't it? There you go. Am I right in saying that not at the end of something you've said is that is Wayne's World, is it? I think you're correct, actually. Please tell me that's Wayne's World.

I think there's a comedian who lays claim to that, who does a bit on, yeah, on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Is it Richard Lewis? I think he claims that he invented not. Well, I do wonder that about. You know when you're sitting in a bar with someone and they're turned away from you and you say, oh, nice to see you back.

Is somebody right that? I mean, am I, you know, you're stealing someone else's joke if you do that. David Baddiel, by the way, on the subject of Courtney Cox being angry about not getting an Emmy, I'm sure he wouldn't mind saying he wouldn't mind me. Well, you know what, we'll soon find out. He told me that when

he watched the British Comedy Awards alone and he found himself saying that's wrong. Find out. He told me that when he watched the British Comedy Awards alone and he found himself saying, that's wrong. That's wrong. Over and over. I hope he doesn't mind me telling that. I mean, that's something I love him for

and identify with it, of course. And you know what? He was probably right on every count. Well, the British Comedy Awards, I think it was on for 25 years and I got one award in all that time, 25 years. And it was my golden age. But I do like the fact that it's no longer on.

But the dude abides. So when you outlive the awards, maybe they should be minding their own business on their opinions. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show at 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Coincidentally, I know if you're on one of the Decade channels, you won't have heard, but on the main Absolute channel, we just played Dancing in the Dark. And I'm told by my producer that Courtney Cox, who we were just talking about, was in the video of Dancing in the Dark. Is that correct? Good trivia knowledge.

She is a bit of trivia. What is Courtney Cox's connection with the band known as The Police? Unknown as The Police, as opposed to the band who are indeed The Police. Yeah, I just was trying to avoid saying what's her connection with the police. Getting her a bad reputation. They want to talk to her about the inquiry. Exactly.

Yeah. Well, it's either to do with, it's one of the triumvirate, I'm assuming. Is it a personal connection? Yes, it's a personal connection. Okay. Is it a stepdad or something? You know, I'm going to give Al that. Oh, yeah. personal connection yes it's a personal connection is it a stepdad or something you know i'm gonna give al that her stepdad is the uncle of stuart copeland and i think she also went out with aaron

copeland maybe on one of the copelands so she's all over the police like a rash you've a cheap suit you've uh you've suddenly got a lot of police intel. I know. Yeah. Police intel. I'm afraid we've been picked up quite a lot by the outside world. I never complained about that. I don't know if you remember just a link or two ago, we were pouring scorn on the weakness of the central perks,

the cafe in Friends. And many, many people have texted in to say that they think it's a reference to the coffee machine, i.e. the coffee percolator. So central perks. Yeah, and that rescues? That rescues it according to the 3,000 text subject. I mean, I would say it's a bit of a shaky life raft, that one.

Yeah, I think when you've got a team of, I think, over 3,000 writers sitting in a room, and they say, here's a joke that's going to be in every episode, a shortened version of The Coffee Machine and ponying alongside Central Park is simply not good enough. If any of our very, I think, brilliantly ponying readers would like to offer what the coffee shop in Friends would have been called in an ideal world,

you've got Nework and everything to choose from yeah um i'd love to hear from them shame the uh the harvard lot can we please have a small interlude for what i call a bad deal communication corner okay can i say i've got to tell you this um i'd said that thing about Dave saying that's wrong when he's watching the Comedy Awards and I thought, is he going to be alright with me saying this? And then that moment when a text comes through, you can see the dots, these dots, which means the other person's writing a text, it's always a tense moment.

Have you ever had those ones where you're looking at the dots, you're looking at the dots and then they've gone? So the other person thought... Story of my life. Actually, I won't bother. Yeah. I really want to text them then and say, what? Anyway, what does Dave say?

Has he taken it well? The three dots were completed. Okay. David Baddiel has this to say. Richard Lewis, you may recall you referred to him, Al? I did, yeah. He claimed to have invented... The knot joke.

Knot. David says, Richard Lewis claims to have invented from hell, as in she was the girlfriend from hell. OK. A great thing to have claimed to have invented. Brilliant. Knot was definitely Wayne's World. Hooray.

Finally, I can confirm, I did invent, that's wrong, that's wrong, re the British Comedy Awards. Brilliant. I love David Baddiel. I love a sense of these ownership things. I remember the late Jeremy Hardy complaining that Jack T

had stolen his timing. I mean, you're getting you're getting there into a fine area. Friendship on Absolute Radio. Ian Angle has some central perk suggestions. Okay, I bet he does.

Renaming it. I bet. How about Has Beans? Because it has beans. Most American thing I could come up with, or Al Pacino. What would have been very good is if when they'd gone for the Friends reunion, they'd changed it to Has Beans but hadn't told any of the cast. And they just sat there in front of them.

I'll be there for you. Just put Has Beans next to a boarded up Central Perks. Yeah. But just sit them in front of the sign and they never notice and they're talking reminiscent about the old days in a warm-hearted way.

And they only find out when they pick their phones up after and they've got 9,000 texts. They missed an opportunity there of some note, I would say. By the way, did you know that... We had a good joke, I think. Oh, go on. I would say. By the way, did you know that... We had a good joke, I think. Oh, go on.

I like it. One One Seven says, can you smell onions? No. What, not even up close? My husband Martin's favourite dad joke. I think that's quite good. I like it.

I think that's pretty good, and I think... I don't understand it. Can you smell onions? It's because anything to do with onions, I just don't... I can't even think about that. Oh, well, fair enough. You hate onions, don't you?

I don't just hate them. I mean, actually, I think about them a lot. I think about how much I love them. Yeah, but mainly with hate. Yeah. When do you think about them? Do your eyes water? Do you know what?

It's very layered. Oh. My approach to them. Okay. My feelings for them. There's a lot to unpack there. No, I get it. Matthew Perry in the Friends reunion, by the way,

there's a bit where he said, every time I did a joke, delivered one of the jokes on the show, I got incredibly, you know, I thought I was going to die. I was so anxious that it might not get the laugh it was going to laugh. It was supposed to get. And weirdly, the cast was surprised. thought that's normal well what Jennifer Aniston said after that I was so we were all so shocked that Matthew Perry I mean I felt like saying

come on to my colleague Matthew Perry used to get into an anxiety state and she said we were astonished we had I felt so sad that he felt like that. What he hadn't realised is that you do actually die when you do a joke that doesn't work incrementally. I would say every joke I've done that didn't work has taken perhaps three weeks off my life. I think that's just something you have to accept. I also read, what about this?

Matthew Perry has just sold his penthouse in LA for, he's a flat, remember, $21.6 million. Whoa! That's a lot of money for a magazine. Oh, God. See, I think I spot that by saying it was a flat I took it away from the penthouse idea. Can we do that again Steve?

Somewhat ironically you're experiencing a similar anxiety to Matthew Kelly Yeah a little personal of the three weeks gone Yeah Oh man still I'll think of the money I'll save on heating Bring skin on Absolute Radio Oh, man, still I'll think of the money I'll save on heating. To use a footballing term, not in the same league.

No. It's nice to give the runners-up a little outing now. Exactly. We've got some central... They were our John the Baptist. They paved the way we've got some suggestions for rather

astonishingly Frank has come up with a text in which how can we improve central perks a joke in every episode of friends which is a bad joke I mean the people who say oh well it's about percolators in every episode of Friends, which was a bad joke.

I mean, the people who say, oh, well, it's about percolators, in that case, it surely should have been Central Perk. Then it would have been a better pun. It was Central Perk. It was Perks, wasn't it? I thought it was Central Perk.

We'll ask Sarah. Central Perk. Oh, it was Central Perk. Yes. Yeah, but do you trust Sarah? Yeah. Okay. Okay, well, I'll give. Yes. Yeah, but do you trust Sarah? Yeah. Okay. Okay, well, I'll give them that.

But nobody got the percolator joke. Well, I'll tell you what they have got. Okay. Well, I didn't. Paul Kirkley, he's come up with... Central Perkley? No. Paul Kirkley's come up with... Go on.

The unbearable lightness of Bean. Oh, thank God. It's a bit... It's a little bit long. It's too long. Mr Bean started writing all those difficult novels. Wouldn't it be great if Mr Bean had a sort of Woody Allen, I'm going to do serious stuff from now on,

and The Unbearable Likeness. Really psychological. I just have an existential gloom. Yeah. And, like, at the deathbed of his teddy bear, it opens like that. Can you imagine? And they shot the whole episode in black and white.

And he didn't pull any faces. He stopped doing that. He sees that as he's sort of... You just see him sitting on a church bench with the bell chiming. Oh, man. Anyway, that was for those of you who want to tune in to the unbearable likes of Bean. David of Stourbridge.

Stourbridge. How you brewing? How you brewing, Murr? OK. That's all right. I like it. I like it. How you brewing? How you brewing? Mer? Okay. That's all right. Quite likey. I like it. And Gary Burgess, American Espresso.

I know it's espresso, but I've intentionally added the X, so is he, as a pun on American Espresso. American Espresso, yes. American Espresso. Right. Yes, okay. We'll keep them flooding in. Okay. Al's not impressed, I can tell.

Al, what was your issue with that one? I'd like to lance the boil of something else, because we're getting a lot of texts about MASH saying Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Oh, yes. That's what, yes. I said it was about moving about in the theatre of war. Yeah, that was specific. Well, mobile is definitely...

Mobile, come on, Anna. I mean, I got the crux of it, but I didn't get the actual... You know, remember that the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life, and I got the spirit of it. OK. Yeah. I want to... Oh, hold on, I've been shot up again

it's like trying to be funny through a portcullis it's every time you take a breath there's another piece of metal in the way you need to go down the Mr Bean route and start exploring darker options Mr Bean's radio show would have been a pretty

lousy thing, wouldn't it? Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. You were discussing earlier a hypothetical television show based on the popular clothing brand River Island. 306 has texted, Morning All, wouldn't River Island be the Hugh Fernley Whittingstall

version with loads of people wearing lots of clothes making sausages because you know his thing is River Cottage isn't it

River Island do you feel are they doing a gag or have they got mixed up with River Island and River Cottage what's your

I think they're doing a gag implying that Hugh Fernley Wh River Island and River Cottage? What's your I think they're doing a gag implying that Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall uses the word river before stuff I think that's what they're doing Could it be something like St Anthony's or Sir Anthony's, their brand

the River Island brand I'm still trying to remember it Oh yes We were speaking of sitcoms I'm still trying to remember it oh yeah oh yes I we were speaking of sitcoms now you may recall Al that me

every now and again me and Emily we hurry up with the end of that sentence we we mention a sitcom we remembered as being brilliant and that is Chance in a Million

and it's one of those I don't think either of us had watched it for probably 40 years we remembered as being brilliant, and that is Chance in a Million. And it's one of those, I don't think either of us had watched it for probably 40 years. Anyway, I have discovered it on Forces TV. And Frank Skinner, Forces TV, I think is, I've seen a headline like that in the past. But it's... How's it working out for you?

You know what? It is good. It's good. I'd forgotten how much it was, I'm going to say, of its time. So there's a great many... Problematic. Yeah, women trapped in their underwear in a lift with him and that kind of thing. There's a lot of underwear. I'm more like, so I watch it with my partner.

So there's no risk of me at any point enjoying it. So I can feel okay. It's a bit like, remember AA films where you had to take an adult with you so you couldn't enjoy them? Yeah, it's like that. So I feel good about that. But it is funny, and Simon Callow and Brenda Blethen are fantastic in it, I must say.

So, yeah, check it out. That's my... She's a sort of librarian, a sort of mousy librarian who's got a passionate inner life, which surprises you. It's a sort of Matt Hancock type structure they've got to it. Glad he's been mentioned. Could he be any more of a hypocrite?

Look, hands off that guy, OK? I really like him. Not! Just get my eye. Can I ask, though, on the subject, there is certain TV I would say I use. We were on a break. You know, yeah, I've used that.

I have used that for a while. Chewing gum TV, this is what Terry Wogan said to me. You know, TV is just like chewing gum. Do is what Terry Wogan said to me Terry TV is just like chewing gum do you ever have is there a program that you use as you're on in the background makes you feel happy but you're not really giving it everything for me it's aloha low which is on most nights and even though there's like Nazis in it and stuff, it's a very sort of... There's a sort of very therapeutic feel to the show.

It feels like it's from a time when things didn't need to be so fast and so... And also, you love French accents, don't you? Well, good moaning. The fact that bloke does that every show, he does the good moaning thing. It's very funny. But I've always loved good moaning.

It's amongst the funniest genre. We've had a text from 570 that I'd like to bring to your attention. It's quite long, but it reads, granted, I missed the beginning of this central perk chat, but why is it a bad joke? It's a double pun. It's because it's near Central Park and perk. I'm guessing they mean the perk.

I think it's serendipitous, as it could mean perk for coffee perking you up, which is my misunderstanding. And and also what's the alternative if they want it to be a put on central park central pork i don't see why they couldn't have just met in a butcher's okay on the show now carry on how does more let's all take it easy that's no the last bit is just a little bit of praise for us even though it sounds like they're slagging us off. Okay, well, we'll leave that. We don't read praise.

Yes. Well, obviously some people, I think some people like Friends and so they've lowered their standards on the pond judgment. It's what's happened. They've got the whole of New York that you can pond on and with coffee. I mean, mean surely a team of writers only say 18 000 writers worked on um something like that yeah i think that's a ballpark estimate yeah

which ballpark would that be um the mets or the yankees okay so there's that. And I think we've finally got an answer to what the dots are on the Friends logo. Because I was saying, I thought maybe that it was an acronym and the FRI, etc. stood for something. But I think Emily might have a very intriguing answer. very intriguing answer. Jane has been in touch and she's forwarded some correspondence which she's found on a sort of Reddit-type forum. Quora, I think it's called. Reddit.

Jane says, a take on the dots between the Friends logo. Sorry, wrong emphasis there. The proposed theory, this is from a contributor on Quora, the proposed theory is quite probably true. The six dots between the letters in Friends are the colours of umbrellas which the characters were holding in the title song.

Rachel and Ross, red, signifying love, desire and passion. Joey and Chandler, blue, signifying trust, faith, confidence between them. Monica and Phoebe yellow, showing conflict, as is relevant from the fact that Phoebe left Monica's apartment for the latter's controlling tendencies. Thank you. See, I love that. I love that people have worked that out about the Friends logo.

I don't care if it's not correct. It seems to be like a fabulous structure. I really want to watch the opening bits now and check their brolly colours. Imagine what they've done with the opening credits of Shame. Yes, which was a song written by the man who wrote and starred in it. I didn't just turn up and act like those guys in Friends. Still, that's yet another comparison between Shane and Friends.

Don't you just get fed up with them? I wish people had stopped doing that all the time. And Courtney Cox of Bromby, of course, as well. Is she? Well, she's from Birmingham, Alabama. I don't know if they call do they call it Brom you can't claim

that it's ridiculous I'd love to know if they call them Bromies from Birmingham Alabama there'll be someone will know

anyway look enough of this thank you so much for listening to us today mucho apreciatum and I have to say I have to say good luck to England much for listening to us today. Mucho apreciatum.

And I have to say good luck to England. If England can beat Germany, I will feel that the perfect summer that Germany took away from me in 96 has been returned. Anyway, don't forget you can also download the latest episode of my

poetry podcast every Wednesday from wherever you get your podcasts. What about that? I think we've covered all the flags and all the references to the forthcoming week. I thank you so much for listening to us today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out, all of you. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. out all of you.