The Frank Skinner Show - Charlie Chipshop

Episode Date: May 14, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been in a maze and was part of an elaborate birthday gift. The team also discuss a megalodon tooth discovery, robot dolphins and Competition Winner capitals.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Morning. Please hold caller. Morning, boys. Morning. Morning, Jim.

So that was just a bit of old cricket commentary. Yeah. Oh, big news this week i've i've spent this week i've watched three hours of the mother teresa documentary on sky documentaries cracking stuff oh cracking stuff it was a romantic night in with was that valentine's it was two romantic nights in with my partner and at the end after we'd watched the last one i went to make a cup of tea and i was like round the corner in the kitchen and i said to kath i feel that honestly feel like that documentaries had quite a big influence on me and she said really i said honestly do she said what kind of an influence meanwhile i'd gone through the tea towel drawer and found this white tea

towel with a blue trim i then walk around the corner and it's like if you're still doing prop gags in a relationship after 21 years i think that's a very good sign yeah but when you're saying that it's not just confined to your relationship right you are quite addicted to prop bags i went around to your house and i could sense that you were there was some preparation going on and he was sitting there out with a yellow wig on his head. Yes. And I loved that he'd got the effort. I could tell he'd gone to quite a lot of effort to arrange himself.

I just heard Emily arrive, and I knew she was coming down the stairs, so I started looking around for a reveal gag. And happily, there was a terrible nylon yellow wig that I once hid in the bed to surprise my partner I thought she'd think it was an animal or something and she never mentioned it at all

never mentioned it and eventually I couldn't I couldn't cope after about two hours I thought I can't stand it I said what did you think about the wig thing she said oh I've seen it did you think about the wig thing? She said, oh, I've seen it. Well, did you put that on purpose? She said, I thought you'd had somebody back here and they'd left. I said, who?

Who was it who would wear a yellow nylon wig that I bought? I'm going out with Coco the Clown. Kenny Everett dressed as one of his characters. Someone collecting for children in need has come back with me. It was an enormous T-shirt as well, badly printed. The back of the beans at the foot of the bed was the giveaway. Oh, man. Anyway, so that happened.

And then there was... I'm just... This is ram and catholic uh news update there was an announcement this week which i like very much um which i was reading about and it's from the papal embassy to iraq you know the pope has like ambassadors everywhere like and the papal embassy has announced that it no longer has a fax service. Uh-oh. The Catholic Church once again. I genuinely spilled coffee all over my top hat. And it turns out, when I looked into it,

that if you want to go to one of the Pope's audience with the Pope things, you can write a letter to them, but most people fax the Vatican office asking for a thing. What does that say about the demographic? Yeah. Also, nothing to hide. No. You know what I'm saying?

I think that's part of the thing is security because emails can get sent to other people and stuff like that. Faxes are a bit specific. I'm sure it's security. I'm sure it's nothing to do with them being very old-fashioned. No, nothing. The Catholic Church is very old-fashioned. I've never heard such talk.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, I hope I don't need to remind you what day it is today. Hmm. Well, it's Saturday. It's my one weekly appointment, so... It's the Eurovision Song Contest. Well, Glenn Maker...

Message from Glenn Maker. Message from Glenn Maker. Yes. ...has got in touch to say, hi, Frank, Emily and Alan good luck with Life is Like a Light in the Darkness at Eurovision, I hope you've ironed

your white flowing shirt all the best, text from Glenn Maker Now I don't know if if you're aware of this, any new listeners but I sort of well I was just messing about and i sort of improvised a eurovision song and then um someone um made it into quite a

professional so i say professional but anyway this this is this is me at an imaginary mike eurovision oh that bit with mike you are withwood. Ladies and gentlemen, this is me. When he said, and this is me, you'd switch it off immediately. Oh, yeah, we don't want to see you. No, sorry, Mike. Here we go. I can see Frank as a sort of German crooner. A crooner.

And life feels like a light The shining on In the darkness In the darkness And life is shining on I think we'll stop it there. Nice tempo change. Yeah, it was a bit longer than I remembered it. But you get the gist. I think we'll stop it there. Nice tempo change. Yeah, it was a bit longer than I remembered it.

But you get the gist. There will be stuff tonight that won't be that good. Brace yourself. What is our entry, Bray? It's Daniel Honda. It's not. Yeah, isn't he called Daniel something like that? What's his name?

Daniel Duranda. Sam Ry his name? Daniel Deronda. Sam Ryder. Oh. Not Daniel Deronda. Sam Ryder. Thanks for the tip. Sam Ryder, yeah. Okay.

And the song is called Starship. Have you just made that up? Has he made it up, Al? I think so. You can't just lie, Frank. No, it's called Starship. Is it? I'm on a starship to your heart.

Yeah. Do you know it? Have you heard it? I've heard it, but I don't think that is it. Yeah, he goes, I'm on a starship to your heart. I am lost before I start among your stars. Is it really like that? That sounds terrible. Oh, I quite like it.

I think it's his best work. Is that really what it is? The Honda. I don't know. Your man Honda, as I call him. That man Honda. Is he Ryder? That man Ryder. Oh God, it's very confusing.

Ryder, Rhonda. Let's call the whole thing. Yeah, let's call the whole thing Starship. Louisa Clifford has emailed, Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. It's called Spaceman! Exclamation mark. Oh.

And then she says, all the best. So I just thought I would, you know, let her know that. Is it space comma man? No. Oh, OK. Spaceman, one word. I thought it might be some street thing. Space comma man.

Oh, yeah. Oh, it could be a sort of social distancing method song. It was Sean Ryder. He would have said. I said it was Ryder. It's Sam Ryder. Space Man. Yeah.

I wish it was Sean Ryder. That would be. Sean Ryder singing, give me some space, man. You're trusting my melon, man. Sean Ryder live as well. That would be good to see. Would Anna Bitt of Bears come on? I always think of Sean Ryder when he on um whatever reality thing he was on was it was it in the jungle i mean he's done a few

and they were talking about uh the worst thing they'd done at school somebody started talking about and saying yeah yeah well we did this thing where we um we left like a tin of paint outside the art room, you know, hoping someone would trip over it. He said, oh, he set the school on fire. It burnt down, completely burnt down. Okay, what shall we talk about now? I went to a very posh hotel at the weekend. Oh.

I was invited. Cliveden. Do you know? And you did the pronunciation correctly? Yeah, well, if you're going to do it, you've got to buy into it completely. Cliveden, have you heard of it, Al? I would have said Cliveden,

but this is exactly the problem, isn't it? Yes. For that place, I'm sure. And Profumo's scandal. Yes, it's most famous for the Profumo scandal, Christine Keeler and all that stuff. That's how I'm sat on my chair right now. The pool, yeah, the pool where they...

Yeah, manspreading. The pool where they cavorted is still untouched. When I say untouched, they've obviously changed it. Can I just say, which might interest you, Al, my mother was photographed on that chair by that photographer. That same chair? Yes. Oh, God, I hope she had a jaycloth and a bit of dettl.

Some rubber gloves. Yeah. I mean... Someone sat naked on a chair and then used it on him. Oh, no. How did you find Clifton? And other things I never thought of. I've got to sat now.

You've got to sat now. Yeah. Hey. It was... We stayed in, not in the hotel proper, but in a thing called Spring Cottage. Oh, seven quarters. Apparently it was built for a place

where Queen Victoria could have tea with the Duchess of something. That's nice. So I like the Victoria connection. But also, apparently the bed that we slept in, so he was told by one of the worker guys, freaks hanging around. Carrying luggage.

Carrying your luggage. Hanging around working. That's an Elvis speech about hotels. The bed that we slept in, when I say we, we all slept in it me kath buzz and uh the dog got in at about two in the morning i've always been fiercely anti-dogs in beds yeah um since you remember i tied to that time when i got in drunk and took the staff at your bull terry was trembling with the cold in the kitchen so i took it into my bed and the next morning i woke up and there was like this white like it had snowed and i had um this was pre-duvet i had like a eider down and the dog

had scratched an enormous hole in bits of this white stuffing was everywhere and i jumped out of bed furious and stepped on a still warm dog poo on the carpet. I mean, I'm just saying, you did say you were drunk, so both of those things, I'm not convinced they were the dog's responsibility. Oh, yeah, ice cream. OK. But anyway, our dog got in bed with me and I felt it snuggling into the curvature of my back

and I was just too tired to do anything about it. Anyway, the bed that we slept in was the bed that Meghan Markle slept in on her hen weekend. Oh, shut up. So, Boz was in there, so Ginger finally got in on the hen night. But yeah, so Meghan, obviously I was a bit more excited

by the Queen Victoria connection. She's, let's face it, more my age group. Adventurous Nana. Yeah, exactly. It's my type. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so it was my sister-in-law's

50th birthday do. That's why it was all about the Clifton thing thing i'll tell you what happened we went in the maze they've got a maze there oh and um i hadn't been in a maze for a long time and of course as you know being lost is my very much my natural state you like being lost well i don't like you i just have no choice i get lost a default position yeah i get and i thought that was i it felt legitimized in the uh in the maze i felt really at home there because all these people were going oh now we've been this way and i thought wow

imagine knowing which way you've been and actually recognize that's so completely my brain doesn't work like that at all and i was really happy just following just following them around and not even yeah and i didn't know that the purpose of a maze is that you get to the middle of it oh yeah i didn't know that there's like a thing you get your photo took on a like a plinth or something apparently this is standard maze

decorum you get to the middle I love that band yeah and I had no idea but we did it but I didn't I just followed people

but it was lovely I didn't have to worry about being lost because it was for being lost you can lean into it about being lost. No. Because it was for being lost. You can lean into it. I love a maze. The world is a maze for me.

Is that the other Eurovision entry? Maybe I'm a maze. Do you remember that? It's a great song. Yeah. Wings, was it? Wings. Do you like a maze?

I'll tell you what I love about a country house. Everything. I love a folly. Oh. Are you a fan of a folly? I don't mind a folly. I love a folly ah are you a fan of a folly I don't mind the fun somebody that's built something that doesn't really do anything they've just built it for a lot because they were rich yeah lovely beautiful archway or it's sort of it's it's sometimes a tiny little turret or something. Right. I feel the same way about, we recently got a gazebo in our garden. And when it was finished, I said to my wife, well, what's it do?

I thought it was going to have a roof. And it's just some wood. I don't get it. So that feels like a modern version of the folly. I thought it was like a sort of greenhouse that fits on the side of your house at Gazebo. Is that wrong?

I think you're thinking of a conservatory there. Oh, well I've made a complete fool of myself. Yes, you have a little bit. Thank God this isn't live. The Gazebo is more of a sort of trellis arrangement. It is. It looks like sort of big garden furniture to me But even then it's not really actual furniture

Is there a Yeats poem? Three women in kimonos sitting in a gazebo I think so Either that or a saucy anecdote That's the beginning of a joke Are these three women in kimonos sitting in a gazebo? Is that you? Bernard, since he's been going to London,

has changed considerably. I've got to tell you about the main birthday present. Jack owes my brother-in-law, and I call brother-in-law and sister-in-law and I mean I call brother-in-law and sister-in-law me and Kath live over the brush but nevertheless okay

Jack has been organising we've been getting these emails from Jack saying can you write some stuff about memories of Rachel and so we all wrote stuff about memories of Rachel? And so we all wrote stuff about, funny stuff and, you know, sweet stuff. And in the end, he put it all in a book, and it's 360 pages. And I mean a book book.

I don't mean it's in a lever art. It's a proper, it's got a dust jacket. No. It's got a dust jacket, mother. Yeah, dust, a proper dust, and it's a proper it's got a dust jacket no it's got a dust jacket mother yeah dust a proper dust and it's colour pictures and it's a book a hardback proper book that's good it's just about her sort of life and people saying you know oh i love rachel um so what about that imagine if they tried to do a book like that about me

we've got this pamphlet written by people who like you and then there's this nine volume Morocco bound collection of people who don't

thanks very much I think I'll start with the pamphlet if i may frank skinner absolute radio yeah i was talking about my sister-in-law's um amazing proper proper book book about her life for a birthday present i just thought what about this for a texting? Most elaborate gift you've given or received. And I don't mean like expensive. I mean one where people have gone to a real effort. Yeah.

Well, my brother-in-law made me a rack for my kettlebells for my birthday this year, like a proper industrial, like a bit of welding. Oh, God, I thought you meant wooden. A welded one. It has wooden and metal sort of shelves, and then the sides are kind of like welded, almost like Y shapes.

Oh, I've got an image of that woman in Flashdance. Used to get shots of her. She'd be at the sort of dance studio, and then she'd be welding. Yeah. He's a lot like her. Who's in the welding chair nowadays, would you say? Flash dance still.

Probably still. Flash dance. Flash dance, yeah. See, for me, I don't know if she ever... I mean, he would have stood up for her from the welding chair because he was a gentleman, but Alf Topper, the top of the track, who was like a runner from the Victor comic and then went into other comics.

He was a welder, a welder and a world-class runner. Who's he? He then went into other comics. Like, he diversified his portfolio. He did. I think the Victor went down and he was too big. He was too big a story to be allowed to die, so he went to other comics I think he then moved into magazines like Welding Monthly

I think he was in that I think he was in The Mask Flashdance has a lot of chairs because the conceit of the harsh judging panel I would still say is very much the flash dancer sitting in that chair.

Yeah, next. That kind of. With pencils poised and a lady with specs and a bun. What's it? What I was thinking about, what about this for a text here? I didn't know until we were chatting a couple of weeks ago that Emily is very, very good on capitals. You know, I mean like capital cities.

I don't mean like, you know, big, I don't mean big letters. I think it was the same chat that we discovered that I'm quite good on countries' populations. Oh, yes. I'm good on populations. Geography, I got a CSE grade three. Oh. All right.

But it's only a... I had a hangover. But anyway... Go on. I thought, what about a text in? What I would call the competition winner capitals. You know those capitals where you don't feel they should be the capital? I'm talking like Canberra.

I love that. Clearly Sydney. Clearly Sydney should be the capital of Australia. Canberra? What are you talking about? I've got another one I'm going to throw in. Even Washington. Where do you stand on Ottawa?

Is that? What? Do you see? I've got loads of them. There's no real biggie that you think should be. What would you say? Toronto or something? I don of them there's no real biggie that you think should be what would you say Toronto or something

I don't think it's a real big one absolutely Toronto come on I'm on about like Brasilia I'm in Rio de Janeiro one of the biggest

most famous yeah I love going to the no we're not the capital actually that's Brasilia what's that look like? What statue have they got? What's their neighbouring mountain look like?

What are you talking about? Well, controversially, I'm going to say the big one. Go on. DC. Yes, but it should be New York. Absolutely. Even more controversially. It's got to be Glasgow

for me oh come on oh god I shouldn't have said that 100 no I think that's great this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio

this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 812 15 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I'd like to take us into the outside world, if I may. Louise. Hold it. Outside world, outside world. Oh, um outside world outside world the outside world i think the radio the radio academy they tell you um that that would be um very unacceptable to describe our um listeners as as many stations call them as the outside, that we shouldn't even talk to each other directly, we should talk

when I say you, I should be talking to that person at home. But I like the idea of privileged eavesdroppers. Louise Lamb Louise Lamb is one such privileged eavesdropper. You referred earlier to your brother-in-law, Jack,

getting Rachel a rather special gift, a very personalised special gift. I'd describe it as a coffee table book about herself. Fabulous. Louise Lamb has got in touch. Yeah. I love it when I say things like that because I see the comics brains ticking over. What can we get out of this Lamb?

We're both fighting any Louise Lamb references. Okay. My cousin got Henry VIII okay, before we get too excited from Hampton Court Palace. Can I say I've seen that Henry VIII? There's a couple in rotation.

OK. I mean, we need to specify the actor. I don't understand. My cousin got Henry VIII. Well, I'm about to finish. OK. Calm down, everyone. OK.

To host a Tudor quiz for my 30th. Oh, it's one of those Henry VIII's that wander around being Henry VIII. It's usually redheads. Yeah. So I'll start again. My cousin got Henry VIII from Hampton Court Palace to host a Tudor quiz for my 30th at a pub in Camden.

That's nice, isn't it? Divine Miss M would have loved it. I would have. Please tell me that when he turned up, he didn't have his gear on. Imagine the worst thing that could happen to a birthday surprise if he'd just turned up in a hooded top.

Oh, no. Henry the... It's all right. He hasn't been cancelled for his attitude to women. Anything. I right, he hasn't been cancelled for his attitude to women. Anything. I mean, what do you think, he hasn't been cancelled? I mean, I don't think he was great. I think all, I mean, I'm not certain, I haven't checked today's feed,

but I think all history has been cancelled. I think, you know what, some people are beyond cancellation, and Henry is one of them. We were also talking about competition winning capitals. Oh yes. Those capitals that you think, come on. How did they get it? How did you do that mate?

They wrote in to a radio show and they won the capital. Capitals that are punching a bit. So, I mean one of mine has always been, it should be Istanbul. Oh. Oh, yes, it's Ankara, isn't it? Yes.

Ankara. Yes. And we've got our readers have sent in some others. Right. And not just sent in other suggestions, we've actually had a little bit of a, almost a crepsione from three zero zero okay morning new york city was the capital of the united states from 1785 until 1790.

tar luke from kidderminster and they had or kiddie in brackets i used to play cricket in the Kidminster League. Famous for carpets, Kidminster. Yes. Used to be. And pedantry. But that doesn't, that sort of, one could argue that that enhances my pipe rather than shoots it down because they had it right

and then they... They got it wrong. And then they messed it up. So close, so far. Yeah. I give you... You don't know what you had I saw that

when I went to Buckingham Palace on the night of Princess Diana's funeral I went to see the flowers

and someone had written on a thing you don't know what you had Charles in a quite aggressive way and I thought

is this the moment for that vitriol anyway that's what I think about when they got rid of New York and made it

Washington you don't know what you are yeah you don't know what you are I'd like you to wander around saying that

just randomly at strangers in Manhattan I don't know who was responsible for that it's quite a big decision

I mean what would New York think about that by the way we're not going to be capital anymore. Right. Did they fax the news to them? Yeah.

That fax we had about Brasilia, maybe it wasn't a practical joke after all. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We, yes, outside world. Outside world.

Oh, no. We've got some... We've had a suggestion for the welding chair, believe it or not. Oh, wow. Regular correspondent to the show, Ian Angel. Yes. I think it's Ian Angel. 740, Ian Angel is in the welding chair

I set up Angel Welding in Croydon in 1978 when I was 18 now I've given my age away and then there's some praise I won't read that I like it when people say things and now I've given my age away only people who say

things like that, that's what gives their age away he's saying that Only people who say things like that, that's what gives their age away. Yeah. Yeah. He's saying that. Oh, I'm 21, actually. Well, I might have thought you were, if you hadn't said it like that.

Yeah. We'll get some other welders texting in now. It'll be like a TIG. They'll be playing TIG, these welders. That's a welding joke. Is it? I wouldn't have got that. It's quite specialist interest, that. ItIG, these welders. That's a welding joke. Is it? I wouldn't have got that. It's quite specialist interest, that.

It is, yeah, yeah. I've not got many. I've always fancied a bit of welding. I like the mask. Tell me about it. I like the mask. When I was a child, we used to get toys that involved some welding. I remember.

You used to get a little, tiny little hot thing that you plugged in it got hot and then you just melt a bit of uh whatever that stuff's called is it called weld have i made that up um anyway i know people have got you know xbox and stuff they don't want to weld anymore the kids just i'll tell you what else they won't weld the kids it turns out don't just go to normal parties these days oh man what did our lovely faye say earlier frank do you want to share with everyone fayu is the assistant producer on is 26. You're giving her age away. Oh, no. She said, oh, I went to...

I love it already. I went to an app launch party the other night. An app launch party. They had a screen and there was a circle and somebody pressed a button and the thing steadily went round clockwise.

And then at the end, a big sign came up that said... What does it say, the sign that comes up? Boppering. Now, what's the one that you press on, though? Open. Open. Yeah, open comes up. And then everybody goes, whee!

Like Times Square when the ball goes up for New Year's Eve I like to think when it was the grey circle the clock was going round there was a bit of a

lads turn 9 8 oh I like to think because you never know with an app sometimes they stall if I kick

three or four updates off at a time I will actually pick the one I think I'm going to win just to give it a little bit of excitement in my life. I'll bet they're all there going, app, app, app, app, app, app.

What a night out that must have been. You know people say I turned up for the opening of an envelope. No, I literally turned up for the launch of an app. Gosh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. John Bell, Amsterdam, not The Hague. It should be. Oh, yes, that's a good one.

The Hague. I can't... The William. I mean, they've gone with The William. What are they thinking? I mean, is it the only capital with a V? I don't like V anything for a capital. No.

I'll be the judge of that. You don't deserve a V. I'm going to The Hague. Where is it? No, it's a place. It's a bit boastful as well. The Hague. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It suggests all bit boastful as well. The Hague. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. It suggests all the other capitals should have I in front of them. Or an Amsterdam. Anyway, that's a very good one, the Hague. Yeah, I like the Hague. It's one in quizzes. I mean, all these catch people out in quizzes.

Oh, all the time. Danny Tolhurst has got in touch about, regarding gifts. About ten years ago. Yeah, I asked about elaborate gifts that you've given or been involved in. About ten years ago, I wrote a Mr Men book in Swedish

for my then girlfriend. Oh. In the story, the translation of her character's name was Little Miss Challenging. Oh, that is a bit of a... It took me ages to write and produce. The relationship didn't last much longer. Oh, no.

Well, that is a... If you're going to go to the trouble, I remember I was on holiday with a friend of mine and he had got his first ever girlfriend and she was called, I think I can say her name, can't I? It depends what so it is. She was called

Alison Piers, right? And she was one of those, very attractive but with a kind of a Joni Mitchell look, you know, that long, straight, hippie hair. And he wrote a postcard. It's quite exciting to be writing the postcard

to his first ever girlfriend. We were away in a caravan in Burnham-on-Sea. And he wrote, on the address, he put, to Alison P. And she'd got quite big ears that stuck out the side of this straight hair. And when he wrote, he wrote Miss A. Pierce. And then he wrote, he couldn't resist it in brackets, he wrote A. Pierce after it.

And she split up with him on the strength of that joke. Oh, dear. But I like the idea. He had his first ever relationship on one side of the seesaw and a joke on the other and he took that risk. I loved him for that.

Almost a parable for any young people considering joking in a relationship case there. Yeah. Eventually, I think, every comedian can remember that moment in their life when they had to choose between comedy and kindness. I think we know which way they went.

Exactly. And a banana. And a banana, oh, yes. I got a street caricaturist to draw my dad from a photograph. It was a bit risky, though. Yes. As someone who's sensitive about their most prominent features. What do you think of that, getting the street caricaturist?

Because I have to say, it's a bit of a whatever happened to. It is. You don't see them that often. You see them in Paris. And I think there's a couple on Shaftesbury Avenue. They've been replaced by the vape stores now. I would say, and I'm a great lover of art, they are without doubt the one branch of art

that makes me feel desolately depressed. I can't think of anything worse in the art world than those caricatures of the big face and the... Where do they go to art school? Is there a caricature art school where they say, no, you've got to do the chin bigger and bigger teeth? Why do they all draw the same? Do you remember that U2 that used to be on TFI Friday

in enormous papier-mâché heads? They run a boot camp for street caricaturists where they draw them and then they take those proportions away and apply them to their various victims. Victims. They're various victims. I have a news story that I'd like to discuss. A six-year-old boy this week found a shark tooth,

but not really a shark tooth. It's a giant prehistoric megalodon tooth that might actually be 20 million years old. He's a young man called Sammy Shelton. Giving your age away there. Megalodon. Hi, megalodon. And he was going, looking for megalodon teeth.

That's always the thing, that, though, isn't it? Isn't the idea that you just stumble across? You don't go out looking for megalodon teeth, do you? I don't think so. It seems like you're going to have a lot of disappointing afternoons. Yeah, I think he started with needles in haystacks. I'm glad you said in haystacks. I didn't like the way this story was going.

You still want to start off with ring pulls on the beach. That is about to find them regularly and then work up to megalodon. I have to say, I saw a picture of it. I've got teeth in my head that look worse than that. It's actually aged pretty well. Oh, the shark tooth. Yeah, also the expert said it's up to 20 million years old, which is very sail poster in window.

Up to 70% off, 2% off, in other words. So because I didn't realise until I saw this story that megalodon, it means big tooth. Does it really? Because mega, big, L'Odor, presumably that's like a French, is it? Don't know. Yeah, L'Odor is teeth.

I don't know what the etymology is, but it does mean big tooth. And I'm just saying, I wouldn't be going round saying that to a shark. No, no. All right, big tooth. I mean... Well, who would you say it to?

Exactly. That's classified. Yeah, exactly. I was reading that the expert in the article I read was telling us about the megalodons and he said they are ambush hunters. So they sort of come out you know

you're swimming they come out of nowhere and then they drag their prey away something I was thinking

a sort of Megalodon Markle I mean this is this is comedy guys any young comics listening

you can have that you can have that. Try it tonight. People will say, this guy is a bit special. No, you're right, love. And also, what about this? He said about the Megalodons, their favourite food was whales.

Yeah. But obviously, he was married to Camilla. No, it was... No, he honestly said that, though. he honestly said that. He honestly said... He's got royalty jokes for this link. Is that what it is? Is this? Al, he's going to be doing Prince Charles' impression there.

Yes. But you had the sound made by the Megalodon. No. You don't get enough Megalodon royal family mash-up comedy, I always think. Do you? I must have said that on the air before. No, but they are true facts.

It is an ambush hunter, and its favourite food was whales, which is... That seems to me just greedy. You know, I'm beginning to think sharks are very spoilt. Favourite food? Whales. Only like warm water. I hate that. That's our

area. Like stay in the cold. Only like warm water. Megalodon. Megalodon't I say. How many syllables in Megalodon? Because I call it Megalodon. Should it be Mega-lodon? Oh, I've been saying Megalodon.

That might be right. I say Megalodon. Do you know why? Because it sounds like a sort of... It's got mega, which is It sounds a bit Mafia boss, who's a bit insecure and needs even more bigging up. Yeah, megalodon. Here he comes, the megalodon. Yeah, I can see

that. Ultra Magnus, guys, has got in touch, one of our regulars. He has a question. Who sits in the big tooth chair? I mean, this is a tricky area. We don't want to upset anyone. He's got some examples.

Okay. I mean, how do we feel about mentioning these? Well, it depends. I don't want to hurt a Megalodon's feelings. I'm guessing like Rob Beckett would be happy to be in it, for example, because he talks a lot about his teeth. Also, he's such a handsome fellow. I think it's fine. Good company. He seems like he's

good company. I hope I never get that review. Do you know what? Smells lovely too. Does he really? What does he smell of? I don't know. You see megalodons. Fatality and health. Yeah, I don't know, just... You see, megalodons...

Fatality and health. Yeah, I don't imagine they smell great. I reckon megalodons, they probably need those little breath sprays, you know. Do you know, they are disgusting. I really... Late review. What, megalodons or breath sprays? Megalodons.

I know, Al, but I can't move on. I just think they're horrible. They can move on, of course, because don't they have to move all the time, sharks, or they die? Yeah, but I think they make that up just as an excuse because they're commitment phobes. Oh, we have to keep moving, can't stay in one place. Yeah, it could be that.

It's one of those, wherever I lay my hat, they know what they're like. Whenever I lay my tooth. The tooth looks less like a tooth and more like a bike saddle. Yeah. That's what it looks like. What have I hope it turns out, these kids.

A whole mouth full of bike saddles. What a weird... Wouldn't it be great if it turned out, after all this, the kid had found a whole bike saddle? It'd be good. Oh, man. Can I say what I hate most about

Megalodons? No, but the thing is, what have they got to recommend? That's a good texting. What do you hate most about Megalodons? No, but come on, guys. They've got nothing to recommend them. They've got black, disgusting teeth, which they move

about all the time, so they can't commit. And to make matters worse do you know how many teeth they lose in a lifetime? I don't know about Megalodon specifically but sharks they reckon up to 30,000 What? Yes Per shark?

Yeah because they lose it every 8 days they lose a teeth Yeah apparently sharks are obsessed with unpitted olives. That's one of their main fibre sources. Which is not easy for them. No, it's difficult. They have to swim off the coast of Italy a lot. Yeah, they leap and just catch the branches

on the top of the arch and then back into the water. Of course, there's no scope for pitting mid-air. No? I would say. I met, are you familiar with Simon Reeve? Lovely man. Simon Reeve, who's the globetrotter. Exactly.

Lovely man. And he tried to... He loves an ethnic scarf. That's his favourite. The ones that students used to wear in the 80s and no one wears anymore. Simon Reeve, I imagine, opens a wardrobe and there's about 50 of them in there. I'm thinking, ooh, Sudan. I think I'm going Sudan today. He rocks a scarf. Well, he tried to... Has he rocks a scarf well he does he's tried to say he got a terrible throat is that them no he tried to sell me sharks oh yeah

to the rspc rsp cp the predator protection protection GDP, the predator protection. Oh, yeah, or saying that they were great. Well, I think the Fez is being raised, so maybe we'll come back to this. Yeah, I mean, I hope Packham's listening. He'll be furious that the travel guy,

the guy in the travel chair, is giving advice which should be coming from the natural history chair, which Packham is encircling as Attenborough sits there having a cocoa. Pacing up and down. How long's he going to be? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I was talking about... Sorry, Al. Over to you. I was going to say, I believe we're on a Simon Reeves cliffhanger. We are. Simon Reeve, we were discussing sharks. As one does with Simon Reeve. And I told him they were one of my pet hates. Yeah. And to use one of our favourite phrases. Yeah. And, to use one of my favourite

phrases, and Simon said, Simon said, put your hands on your head. Put your

shark on your head. Yeah, go on, put your scarf on your head more like it.

Your tooth a bit black, mate. And Simon said, look, he basically tried to sell

me sharks, as I say, pointed out they're much maligned, the shark. They're more And Simon said, look, he basically tried to sell me sharks, as I say. Yeah. Pointed out they're much maligned, the shark. They're more sinned against than sinning. Really? Listen, he says they mainly, they're quite fearful creatures. They only attack really out of fear and because they're a bit defensive.

So they eat stuff? Not really. They don't set out to eat people. And as he pointed out They're not going to play their marine, the old marine excuse.

We're plankton, we're mainly plankton that's our big, yeah right. Yes okay, there was that guy and that one as well. Yeah exactly.

No, he pointed out, I mean they just need a better PR because if you think about crocodiles and I know you do, Frank, a lot. I do. Crocodiles of the world, one of my favourite natural history locations.

But they are absolute devils. Are they? Oh, Frank told me something once about crocodiles, which I've never forgotten. It keeps me up at night. What's that? About how fast they are across the ground.iles, which I've never forgotten. It keeps me up at night. What's that? About how fast they are across the ground? Tell me what they do. Because they stalk you, don't they?

They come out of the swamp to get you. Yeah, but they'll chase you and then drag you back in. It's pretty... That's what I mean. A shark wouldn't do that. No, a shark couldn't do that unless it had a small trolley, which they don't have at their disposal. What he's saying is we need to show a bit more love to sharks.

Yeah, I think you should say, look, never mind all that. What's your favourite competition winner capital? He would know, wouldn't he? He'll be brilliant on it, man. He's the guy you want on your competition winner capitals quiz team that night I got one guys, Switzerland, come on Oh yeah

I can't remember what it is It should be Zurich Or Geneva It's not, it's Bern No good No good Could do better As my ex-girlfriend's mom once said to her could do better

about you no i'm sorry she uh she'd um sorry frank she was a photographer and she took some photographs and her mom said she's what do you think oh's could do better. So, yeah. But that's what parents are for, isn't it? I mean, it's a sort of keep you on your toes. This young man who found the Megalodon tooth, I think that is his hobby. Charlie Chip Shop. Was he called Charlie Chip Shop? I don't think that's quite right, but something like that.

Something like it was very like Charlie Chip Shop. It was something like Charlie Chip Shop. I think it was very like charlie i think it was charlie chip shot what was it then but fair play to him i think what was it then it was very like sammy sammy two bellies or something no it wasn't something oh what was his name sammy something had an s didn't it yeah it had two it was Sammy Sheldon Sammy Sheldon

that's right why did you call him Charlie Chipchop it's very close Charlie Chop Chop anyway sorry Al carry on I like the fact

that he found it and I do feel sorry for his friends at school who like their boast is that they found Wally in Where's Wally books

and he's like I'm sort of a different league, actually, lads. Oh, that'd be a good texting. What's the best thing you ever found? I found 80 quid in a wallet with a mate. Did you? And even though there was a name in it, we kept the money, 40 quid each.

At the time, when 40 quid would buy you an house in Oldbury. And I know it's bad, really bad. And because we couldn't buy material goods with it, because our parents would have said, well, where did you get that? Where did you get that motorbike and sidecar from? So we had to spend it on drink and that's what triggered my terrible thing.

So hand it in. That's my advice. Or you'll get your punishment. Similarly, Frank, I once found a signed Benedict Cumberbatch Hamlet programme. Oh, I remember that. In the Barbican, yeah.

And did that start you on a drinking spree that never really stopped for about 20 years? No further questions. OK, fair enough. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I mean, I appreciate this is of no use to you, but I would like to confirm that Frank Skinner is equally as funny off air,

and I wish we could sometimes broadcast the things you say. OK. Because you just really make me laugh. Equally as funny off air. And I wish we could sometimes broadcast the things you say. Okay. Because you just really make me laugh. I would like to move on. I mean, I'm not moving on. I'm moving to... Sideways. Move sideways.

I always move forwards, though. Okay. Losing teeth as I go. Like the shark. I went crab, you went shark. Let's call the whole thing... Croc. Marine life.

I tell you, I would like to... We're still in that manner. What, Davy Jones locker? OK, topical this week. Have you not heard of that? Go on, then. There has been talk, and I think this will excite you, Frank, because I tell you what, Al,

Frank's very into sort of ideas of the future. I like a robot, generally. Yeah, exactly. The robo-dolphin. Get in, as they say. These are... The idea is that they're to be used in marine parks, essentially, because obviously some consider the old ways very cruel.

Very cruel, yeah. Apparently they have the same skin texture. They've been developed by a San Francisco company. It's all San Francisco, isn't it? Always. Does Thingy still exist, Silicon Valley? Is that still a thing? I think it it does a thingy still exist um silicon valley is that still a thing i think it's still a thing yeah okay and these dolphins apparently they're very lifelike they've even yellowed the teeth to make them look like dolphins yeah yeah i but they used a technology called yellow tooth technology.

Oh, come on now. All applause from the production team. Production team? Yeah, I mean, it's based on the idea. I didn't know about this. Do you know James Cromwell, the actor? No. He played the farmer in Babe

oh yeah right and apparently during the filming of Babe he got to like pigs

so much that he became vegan because he couldn't cope with the slaughtering of aforementioned pigs

yeah so he's become now if you saw saw him, you'd know him. He's a really good actor. He's become a sort of animal rights person. This very week, in fact, this very week, he walked into Starbucks when he found out that they charge more for plant-based milk than for cow milk, and he glued his hand to the counter.

Wow. Oh, he didn't. So he's a guy. But he went into SeaWorld and did a protest. And he says, and I'm guessing he would have checked this out, that marine animals die a lot earlier if they're kept in captivity considerably earlier so i think it's time for robo dolphin yeah and to be honest you know they look pretty plasticky things anyway dolphins do you think yeah that's true they're the

sort of um the the surgery world of the uh of the animal kingdom they don't look natural at all so i think you're better off going plastic and um not being so growing well that's why i have swan with the dolphins have you really well let's come back to that because um the producers shoving me again but But yes, I'm keen to hear about that. You might have caught the last... Of course, they're not in captivity, I take it, are they? Are they on leads? We'll find out shortly.

OK. Was it your podcast, Walking the Dolphin? Briefly things we found Neil Sutcliffe £20 note in a pair of jeans bought from eBay the jeans cost £20 Oh that is great I thought you might say that Al

That is good Dan Tough on the seller but really good on the buyer Yeah who sells a pair of jeans? I mean that. Al gave us an entire match comment free. He was so excited. Oh, what a signal. You're so hard up, you need to sell your jeans.

And then there's a £20 note in the pocket. Who sells jeans? Well, it's a good question. Sorry, Al. I forgot you were here. 8, 12, 15. That's today's texting. Sorry, Al. I forgot you were here. 8, 12, 15. That's today's texting. Yeah, we don't want to buy anything.

Maybe people like them. Don't just text us a bloke called Levi. We're not interested in obvious answers. Also, Jenny, a photograph. This is things I found, best things I found. A photograph of two chickens torn in half as though they'd had a dramatic break-up. Wow. And she sent

us a copy of the said photo which is absolutely marvellous. That's good. I once found a portable CD player in the street in Edinburgh playing with headphones coming out of it and it was on, I think, track six of a Rage Against the Machine CD. It was just there on the pavement.

I'd be worried. Was you looking around for the hidden camera thing? That sounds like a hidden camera TV show. It was a very odd moment. Did you keep it? Yeah. It sounds like you might have been on Rio Ferdinand's You've Been Merked, which only ran for one series, but nevertheless, such a shame.

It was his version of shame. I think I liked the... It was his shame, You've Been Merked. Yeah. It was a shame. It was, yeah, that's true. Do you think there was a You've Been Merked 2 that was never shown? Well, I remember because he got through a lot of his contacts, yeah, that's true. Do you think there was a Mert he'd been Merked to that was never shown? Well, I remember because he got through a lot of his contacts,

obviously, because, of course, he went big for the opener with Beckham. Oh, yeah. And then he jumps out of the car and says, David, you've been Merked. Yeah, by the time you're on Ronnie Warwick. Yeah, the commissioners are going a bit cooler. Anyway, meanwhile, back in the ocean... Mm-hm.

..with the robo-dolphins... Robo-dolphins. Oh, was I going to tell you about when I swam with the dolphins? I think you were. Well, I am now. That's right, yeah, the real ones, as far as you know. I do appreciate this is a somewhat controversial area. I was reassured that these dolphins were very humanely treated.

But would I do it again? I don't know. Should they be treated humanely? Isn't that the problem? Treated marinely. Oh, marinely, that's all right, yeah. I was in Discovery Cove. Okay. It's rated marine-ly. Oh, marine-ly, that's all right, yeah. I was in Discovery Cove. OK. They're not paying me,

nor have they ever handed me any money in a brown envelope. What I like is you didn't tell us how you got to Discovery Cove. We just found you. You were discovered. Well, I was in there. My godson, Harvey, said, yeah, I've made a discovery, this place sucks. Oh, OK.

Not in front of the dolphins, I hope. Yes, in front of place sucks. Oh, okay. Not in front of the dolphins. Yes, in front of the dolphins. Not on porpoise. Oh, I'm sorry, everyone. Let's have a breather after that one. Bit of a palate cleanser. We'll have a bit of sorbet. We'll come back

to them to some real jokes. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. These are one of our niche textings about things we've found. 917. I think this might be a slightly controversial one. We'll see. Things I found.

£400 in an ATM outside my building society. Queue inside was so big, the man standing by the door wouldn't move to let me in to give it in. So I just took it home. People always have that. Yeah, I tried to. Yeah, I tried to do my best. At least I

didn't try that with my wallet story. We just had it. People say the British love queuing, but what they love more is 400 quid, it turns out. No, that is true. You know, that's the... No, that is true. By the way, I read on the robo-dolphin thing, a kid said,

they were trying it out at one of these parks, and a kid said, well, it came over and said hi, and we didn't realise it wasn't a real dolphin. Did it actually say, did he mean that it said hi? Do they speak? And we didn't realise it was a real dolphin. It wasn't a real dolphin. There's something...

You know, I went to one of those dolphin things when we didn't know any better and they said, is it anyone's birthday today? And someone says, yeah, yeah. This kid called, I don't know david and the dolphins went over the top of dirt but it was slightly like they were singing it that tune you could have them actually singing happy birthday if you go for robo dolphin well you could have them do anything if they're robots you could ride them we could surf them we could do all you could do excited you

could do the names you know when robots do do the nine months so it's gonna be happy birthday dear angela that horrible moment when the name is it's different when you go on the et ride at universal studios you give your name at the start so that when you go on the E.T. ride at Universal Studios, you give your name at the start so that when you get to the point in the ride, E.T. says, Hello, Frank, or whatever. Oh, really? But what they had to do

was there were so many silly Billy youths giving offensive names, I'm afraid. So you always knew, because I remember being one at once and I heard these lads behind me and I heard E.T. saying, Hello, friend. You just got friend.

Oh, I see. And if you got friend, you knew you'd been trying to mess with E.T. These, apparently, they retail. Retail? These robo-dolphins. Between $40 and $50 million. Between 40 and 50 million dollars. Oh, hang on a sec. Come out.

God, I just get Nina Conti with one of those oven gloves. Those sharp oven gloves. We were talking about who was in the welder's chair. I mentioned Nina Conti in the last link, realising that she, for me, is in the ventriloquist's chair, I think, if I thought. But I thought that would actually be a very good Radio 4 programme in the ventriloquist's chair.

Because you didn't get the real guests on, actually. You can just... It was just somebody going, no, I had a very difficult life, son. I had a difficult... And you can imagine that terrible thing on the vent, Dom, the slow blink. Terrifying.

You see, I'm always a nookie bear. Oh, yeah. I did a corporate with nookie bear once. Oh, was his name Roger Roger de Corsi oh yeah who told me that he'd

resolved never to go to Wembley again after he was involved in an incident in the Olympic Gallery so

yes things I've best things I've found oh yes Sir Andy says it's got to be this Frank Skinner show live in Birmingham filmed at the Hippodrome

that I found on YouTube it's made me laugh for years and given me great pleasure great news stick around maybe get your hands on Shane I wouldn't count on that. And then Chrissie says, a 10-bob note found in 1967. Yeah.

We couldn't afford furniture, so spent it on two cushions. Used it as a welcome mat. Spent it on two cushions, which we put up against the wall and proceeded to watch our tiny rented TV, which was sitting on top of a tea chest. Those were the days. Yeah, well, were they? Yeah.

Yeah. They were the days. The days of abject poverty. Those were the terrible days. By the way, I got a nice gift from Rachel Rackham. And she sent me a tin, listen. And they are Bob Ross, you know Bob Ross, the joy of painting. Bob Ross happy little tree mints.

And they are mints in the shape of Bob Ross-like trees, the ones he does, those pines he does on his mountain scenes. That's nice. It is a nice picture of Bob on the front looking alive, ironically. Yeah. So thanks for that. God, I've already forgot your name. Forgive me, Rachel Rackham.

Rachel, one of those Rachels with an A-E. This thank you for the mints would have gone well with that woman whose surname was Lammer. Louise Lam? We both didn't do the Lam joke. No, we fought the Lam joke. And the Lam won. But here we are. We said we fought it, but in fact we lost.

Do you know, it will always find you. It will always find you in the end. It's difficult, though, isn't it, Louise Lamb? You can feel all these things triggering in you to try and... Yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah. OK, so what else? What else about the dolphin?

I'll tell you what, my prediction for the dolphin, for me, one of my for me one of the most depressing things in life is going to a museum and there's a working exhibit that's broken you press you press in the bottom I can imagine this dolphin like about 50 yards from the tube yeah another tube the pool with tarpaulin not just about concealing it but you can just see a bit of rusty flipper yeah or even worse than that when the battery runs out and there's viewers in the dolphin looking gallery and they walk in and it's just floating on the surface of the water it's the voice box the generated voice has gone a bit, so it goes...

Yeah. Happy birthday. Oh, no. Also, the keepers will probably, like, the Luddite keepers will probably destroy them with big chunks of coral. The Luddite keepers? I can't see. What, solid bread?

Making them sound like prehistoric men, the Luddite keepers. You don't need the keepers anymore, dear, if you've got a robo-dolphin. So they're going to be out of work unless they destroy them, just like the old mill workers had to destroy the machinery. Wow.

I wasn't expecting this. I tell you what. I didn't expect it to lead to Ludd's hammer. I didn't expect there was some rant on the Industrial Revolution. I'm not, you know, I can see their point, the Luddites, and I'm with the keepers on this one. There'll be more of an Ed Harris,

Truman show figure in a beret. Okay. Okay? So look, thanks for listening to us, and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out