The Frank Skinner Show - Chart Throbs

Episode Date: November 7, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been trick or treating and has a difficult Sunday ahead. The team also discuss the US election coverage, Goop’s gift guide and Victorian names.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We are live in the studio, which is tremendous news because obviously the nation is in lockdown but we i discovered this week and can you imagine my excitement that we are key workers we are key work i've got a letter in my tote. I spoke with the German Chancellor this morning. Got letter, da-da-da-da, got letter, da-da-da-da, in tote.

And a letter in the tote that says I'm a key worker. If I'm stopped on my way into the studio, I can get out this letter and say, key worker body. I don't want to make you feel a bit less spesh, but guess what? So do Alan and I. But that's good. You know what I like, Frank? It says on our letters, the government has classified.

I know. We're the holders of the letters. The noddy holders. It's really, it's remarkable. I mean, my first thought when I was notified was that maybe they should bring back the Thursday night applause. And I could hire a Palomino stallion and just go round my...

You know when you see people in rodeos and they come and take the applause and the horse just does those sort of slow steps, and you're just waving a hat. That's what I want to do. I mean, let's soak it up. Are you a skilled enough rider of horses for that? I don't know much about horse riding.

You had to be picky about it. You had to be picky about it. No, that was genuinely a question about how good you are at riding horses. I'd get a Palomino that was incredibly, impeccably behaved. He would. They're all self-operated. I think that's what you're fighting against. Yes, true.

I wonder how many locksmiths have done the joke about being a key worker. I mean, they must be doing that. You'd think. Oh, man. Singers, even. Oh, yeah. Piano players. Yeah. Singers, even. Oh, yeah. Piano players? Yeah.

Wharf operatives? Oh, man. So... I encountered Jamie Cullum last week. Oh, yeah. And he was playing a piano outside. The definition of a key worker. Yeah.

Why was he doing that? Where did you encounter him? Was he just in the street or was it an event? Genuinely. No, I was interviewing him. A public counter at the train station or something. I was interviewing him. And do you know what?

I thought, where shall we meet? And I arranged to meet him at the bandstand in a park because I thought that's so appropriate. Oh, yeah. Oh, nice. And when I got got there there was a piano that his people said hope you don't mind but jamie's um had a piano set up on the bandstand i thought it was for me it wasn't he was doing a children in need broadcast after she did say i just want i just wanted to let you know so you don't think jamie arranges for pianos to be set up wherever he goes.

Why was he doing it? Just because to keep, like some people if they're meeting someone in a park might take a paperback book to keep them going. Now get us a Steinway in case she's late. Jamie takes the piano. He was doing a Children in Need broadcast.

Oh, it's very him, isn't it? There was a pudsy on the piano I noticed who else would you say was very Children in Need yeah he's a good boy

I would say yeah but there's a difference between a Comet Relief person oh and a Children in Need interesting

Children in Need Shane Ritchie I'm thinking okay Comet Relief I think it's a bit cooler isn't it I'm thinking. Okay. Comet Relief. I think it's a bit cooler, isn't it? I'm mainly admiring Jamie Cullum's time management,

that he thought, well, I'm doing the dog walk podcast, so I'll have the piano there for as soon as I'm done in that park. I'll do both in one go. What kind of dog? I don't want to pre-empt your podcast. Do listen, by the way, to Emily's podcast. I would love you. And do listen to Frank Skinner's podcast. I mean, it's a podcast fest.

On this radio show? Yeah. My podcast ended last Monday. It doesn't end. Podcasts never end. Well, that's the beauty of it, Frank. It doesn't end. It's like a nuclear half-life, haven't they?

Indeed. My eight-year-old't they? Indeed. My eight-year-old did a wonderful thing. I think he might have invented a very, very good name for a tribute act. Oh. Because, you know, there's a whole thing of brilliant tribute act names. Yeah. But he, there's an advert, which I think we play on Absolute Radio which uses the Ramones

Blitzkrieg Bob it oh let's go and he loves it so he started he found it on Apple Music

and all that and but he refers to them as the remains oh yeah and I thought that would be a great especially as

I mean God forbid many of them have passed yeah but it would there may be one I thought that would be a great, especially as, I mean, God forbid, many of them have passed. Yeah, but it would. There may be one, but the best things happen accidentally. I always think. Do I? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This morning's texting, by the way, Miley Cyrus, Cyrus Miley. What are the celebrities if you swap their first and last name, Salma Kudikin's character? 8, 12, 15. Oh, fair play to you. Yeah, that's good. I mean, come on. I, um, we trick or treated.

Did you? Yeah. Did you? Against. Did you? Against, I think, not government regulations, but government advice. But it can be done safely. Yes. We wore masks. Yeah.

Getting into the spirit. I was Kylo Ren and my son was Thanos. Oh, yeah. Who is that Greek bloke at number 54. He was fine with it. And it's a lot easier to scare people this year. Yes. Just turn off at their house.

So that worked well. I found that, by the way, I've only used public transport a couple of times of late, but if you cough a bit... take away of late in my life just have a little cough the leg room you can get just seat next to you just recommended so anyway we did that we considered that next to you anyway no i guess not um so we considered lick or treat to bring back the real terror. Oh, that'd be good. But one house we went to had an enormous cardboard tube with a diameter, I would say, of about 10 inches.

And they had that by their door, and then it went down the steps. So kids come to the bottom, and they just roll sweets down it. Oh, excellent. It was really... I felt like those people who live in the waste pipes of major fruit-tinning factories. Yeah. I felt like one of those.

It reminds me of a thing. When I was in Scotland as a child, when there was a wedding, there was like a tradition where the driver of the wedding car would throw a handful of change out into the street and the local children would scramble around for it. Is that a thing in England? What century were you a child in Scotland? I think it was called a scramble.

We must have some Scottish texters that can confirm that this is a thing. We played scramble in my playground. Right. With gold sovereigns or something. Just to highlight the difference in our backgrounds. No, with Star Wars cards. All right. We played scramble with, and you would shout, scramble.

And then you had to do it in that tone of voice. Right. And then if you got a Chewbacca, that's what I always wait. And then you just sort of all piled in. Oh, OK. Did you not play Scramble, Frank? I think we played it with bread. No, I've never heard of Scramble before.

It's a denigrating activity. The idea is to make people crawl for things you no longer want. But I think, like, as a kid it wasn't, like, that bad because you might find 10 or 20 pens and then you could go and buy a bottle of ginger or similar. Once you've got the dog excrement

off it. Perfect. Perfect. Friendskinner on Absolute Radio. What was we just talking about off air? Well, we've had a bit of validation for my memory that I thought was wonky, first and foremost, because I just want people to know that I didn't make it up. 525 has said,

Hi, team, I remember Scramble. I grew up in Livingston in Scotland and it was great. Always bought a wee mix-up with the profits, which I think is like a 10 pence mixture or maybe a 20 pence. Like pick and mix? Yeah, but they would have been pre-bagged and so it's kind of a little lucky dip. Oh, I get you.

So you just pay 10 pence and you would get like 10 pence worth of sweets. Yeah. Great. That's what they do. It's 10 pence worth of sweets. Hey, kids. Can's what they do. It's 10 pens worth of sweets. Hey kids. Can I just clarify? Oh you're not listening. Oh I am darling. That's lovely. Kids.

I meant kids listening to this. They're on their devices don't worry. Can I clarify Frank? Some of them are in devices. Oh. Lovely. I think there was just a slight some small differences between perhaps my scramble and Alan's. Yeah.

You were saying that with your scramble, you were sort of getting rid of unwanted items. Well, then it was money. It was like a cloud of coins, as I would call it. A bit shrapnel, essentially. Low denomination coins, yes. Because at the time, I don't even think two pound coins or possibly one pound coins existed.

Certainly not in Scotland. No, dear. They were a bit behind on the one pound coins. Well, ours differed just in that the idea was to get rid of items, but it was actually sort of quite coveted items. And the idea was that you were sort of, you were willing to sacrifice these beloved items for the idea was that you were sort of you were willing to sacrifice these beloved items

for the glory the momentary glory of being the one to shout scramble so you would bring it in and then would there be a moment where these high value items were hanging in the air and then suddenly you'd be wielding it and everyone would be staring at you shouting scramble

and people would be like there's a Fabergé egg in there. That sort of stuff. There's a moment on the lighthouse steps in Horror of Fang Rock when the fifth doctor needs a diamond. I honestly thought for a second that was some literature that I didn't know about. Guess why I knew it wasn't, when I heard Fang Rock. Anyway, he needs a diamond to bring down the root on Mothership. Of course he does.

And he takes the main diamond, he just chucks the other ones on the stairs, like, I don't want that. So the Victorian gent who's with him scrambles after the diamonds and gets killed by the aliens. So I think there's a lesson in that. Right. You could all learn.

Also, talking of Victorian gents... Oh, yeah. You earlier were... Is that your tummy or mine? That was my tummy, yeah. Oh, that was like the scene in The African Queen when Humphrey Bogart sits at table and his stomach starts doing that.

Do you remember that? Don't know that. OK. Talking of Victorian gents, you were doing a brilliant... Well, I thought it was brilliant. It was reversing a name and getting a Dickens character. Yeah, celebrity names, if you saw. Your example was, Frank?

It was, well, Cyrus Miley. OK. Who could easily be a Dickens character. What about Culkin McCauley? Oh, yes. That's from Jim Sessford. Good one. I love that one.

I absolutely love that one. We've also got from Richard Hughes, he suggested MacMenemy Laurie. Now, MacMenemy Laurie sounds to me like a very pretty but slightly too thin American actress. Right. From 2021. I'll continue.

Trescothic Marcus. I like that. That's a good one. That's from Anthony Moss and Adam Lethbridge, one of my regulars, Little Sid. Yes, very good. That is an excellent example.

I mean, we've got a lot of these, so we will get through as many as we can. Thank you. that is an excellent example I mean we've got a lot of these so you know that's very good we will get through as many as we can thank you yes can I give you one more

because someone else has pointed out that your name reversed sounds like you could be a sort of Huckleberry Finn

character Skinner Frank to me Skinner Frank sounds a bit like a solicitor's type place. Oh, yes. We've also got, I do like Andy Wilson Esquire

has suggested Armstrong Neil. Oh, yeah. I like that. What would Armstrong Neil be, though, in Dickens? He'd own a sort of bottling factory. Yeah, I think he might be a Scottish businessman who

mistreated his child workers that's what I'm thinking and not very red faced red faced fattish man whose catchphrase will be Mundy will not do I. Yeah. Whose catchphrase will be,

Mondi will not do, I think would be his catchphrase. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Eh, it's a bit of, nostalgia takes many forms. Last night, me and my partner, Kath, sitting watching the news. Breathe out, Al. And they had a tribute

to Geoffrey Palmer, the fabulous comedy actor. I think it was in The Mutants. Right. And anyway, I think he's much loved. I know him from Butterflies. Well, coincidentally, he came up and my partner said,

oh, my first period started while I was watching Butterflies. And I thought, lovely. Lovely tribute. Yeah. Yeah. He wanted someone to then say, Geoffrey Palmer, who died earlier today. Anyway, I liked it.

Yes, when I was on my Halloween walk... Oh, yes. There was a number of... I believe they're called jack-o'-lanterns. Oh, right. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I do. Pomkins with a candling.

All right. Can I ask a question? I think Halloween has changed somewhat. There's now a sort of a symbol of, hey, come and knock on the door. And that is that people put a lantern out and it's basically saying kids are welcome. That is true. But I think what we had several of this year, which I think was a got-wrencher, is a Jack O'Lantern. And I'm not sure if Jack O'Lantern, this was my point,

whether it's Jack of the Lantern, Jack O'Lantern, like Macho the Day, or whether it's an Irish character. Right, Barry Obama. Yeah. Or whether that's an initial. Jack, maybe his name's Oliver. Jack Oswald. Jack Oswald Lantern.

Yeah. Good question. Anyway, people had those outside their houses lit up, so there was much excitement. And then on the door, they had a thing that said, no sweets this year. And I thought, is that's just teasing just don't do the jack you can't have no you cannot parade exactly a Jack Oswald lantern no outside your house if you're not going to deliver no I mean you don't just illuminate. Yeah. You can have the lantern.

It's cruel. It is. I thought it was unnecessary. I'm trying to think of a clean version. I can't. But it's teasing. It's a teasing thing, it is, yeah. And led to some disappointment of the children.

And I don't like that. And I don't like that because I believe the children are our future. Although when I was a child, I know we've done this a lot today, but when I was a child I don't remember that there was this system where people would say, yeah, knock on because we've got sweets by using the jack-o'-lantern. I seem to remember Trick or Treat had somewhat more menacing than you would knock on to just any house.

Yeah. And what you were saying was, give me sweets or I'm going to throw eggs at your house. It was essentially a form of, it was a sort of early coercion. Yeah. First steps into... Yeah, nice window, mate. It'd be terrible if something happened to it.

It was like that, wasn't it? Did you ever do tricks? I bet you did. No, I didn't because trick or treat, when I was a kid, was the thing you occasionally saw in American films, but didn't. I mean, with us, the big thing, before I realised it was anti-Catholic bigotry, was Bonfire Night and Penny for a Guy.

That seems to have gone there. I will say, fair play to the Catholics for coping with Guy Fawkes Night. Yeah, fair play. They take it really well, I think. I don't. I make that absolutely clear. If the people of Lewis are listening, it's a good job you don't have vision on this. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Do you remember last week we were discussing obscure claims to fame? Oh, yes. Well, 698 has just got in touch with one a week later. Left field claim to fame, Brian Cant of Play School fame was my swimming teacher at primary school

from The Ruth Is Out There. Wow. Yeah. Wowee. That's kind of... Because he was an actor for ages. He also was in Doctor Who. Oh, say.

We're interested to hear. OK. Peter Purvis, who was also in Doctor Who, but was a Blue Peter presenter. I think he was a swimming teacher. It doesn't seem like a logical step up, does it, to television? Maybe children's television. They selected people quite randomly back then.

Oh, those were the days. Lee McFadden has also been in touch regarding off-the-wall claim to fame. Bit late in the day, but I remember this beautifully obscure and true one. Henry Cooper's twin brother air-text the ceiling of my sister's front room before she moved into the house. Henry Cooper's twin brother, who often appeared in pictures with Henry.

The brilliant thing, because Henry was as absolutely London as you can get, and his brother literally ran a fruit store which is what you want but I didn't know he did, in the days when everything got air text if you don't know what air text is it was a sort of a rough finish

plaster very lovely it was but not if you caught your elbow on it little tip there. Quite spiky. And 454, we all did a half-pence scramble. It wasn't the value as what you had to endure to get it. Thrown high in the air and a loud shout, scramble.

It was carnage. I completely missed out on that. Sorry for your loss. Yeah. Sorry for your loss. Yeah, sorry for your loss. We, speaking of fruit stalls, I passed my local fruit stall the other morning and this guy says...

From Balamory. Yeah. This guy says, you've got a difficult weekend. Yeah. And I said... You left your Filofax open. Yeah.

I don't know my journal, my private journal. And he was referring to the fact that my son is a Spurs fan and I'm a West Brom fan and we play each other on Sunday. Great research. Very good. Not only that, I've got to pay £14.95 for the honour of watching that match with my child. Oh, yeah.

I think it might be the last one of the £14.95. Do you know that West Brom is the team who's had the most? I don't know what you're talking about, except for... If you watch... Well, of course you do, because you have to pay. A lot of Premier League now is pay-per-view, especially if you're not one of the top games. And Albion have had four, will have had four of those.

I mean, 60 quid. That's not fair. I could have put that in the poor box. Yeah, you could. Yeah, I don't know where that's gone. It's been spread out, hasn't it? The poor box. Yeah, they've made it more specific.

It's been modulised, the poor box, in the old days. It covered a multitude. What about Widdicombe Josh? Oh, yeah, made it more specific. It's been modulised, the poor box, in the old days. It covered a multitude. What about Widdicombe Josh? Oh, yeah, that's quite good. That's from Samantha Sidney. Yeah, Widdicombe Josh, what do you think? I like it. I think he'd be a likeable character.

Maybe a stable lad. Widdicombe lad. Yeah. Just in case we get 200 text messages from it, I think 441 has said what the nation is thinking. Hi, excuse me, I think it was our text, not Airtex. Oh, I do apologise. Oh, yeah, maybe Airtex was underway.

Oh, Airtex was a shirt, wasn't it? Yes, also nasty if you caught your elbow on it, if I remember rightly. But that's when I'd worn it for the entire summer holiday. Apologies. When you got to week six of the summer holidays, it was possible to get your socks on the wrong

feet. Did you have sports pants? How? I don't remember what I had. I remember having a string vest and string pants. It was fabulous. I was a trellis boy.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is to the second hour. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. People have. Yeah. You won't beran. You can text the show on 81215. People have.

Yeah. You won't be on your own. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. What's the percentages? If I was to say how much of the contact is text, how much is Twitter, how much is Instagram, how much is email? Ballpark. I'll get you a pie chart.

Okay, thanks. Can I tell you who would be able to tell you that? Go on. In a heartbeat, no hesitation, my latest unlikely crush. Okay. His name is John King. John King? He does the CNN coverage.

And I have been absolutely... I mean, I've gone beyond glued. OK. I'm obsessed by this man. I'm actually feeling a bit funny talking about him. Because that's the reason I've got so obsessed by the US elections. Has there been a US election?

Oh no. There's only one winner. Al lives in the north. There's only one winner and that is John King and his magic wall. Oh, he's one of those with an election wall. The stamina of that man. One thing about,

and perhaps the only good thing about the American election being dragged out so much is watching the presenters crumble. Yes. They all look terrible. Not John King. Oh, well. Can I tell you... The Sky presenters are starting to hit them hard.

Oh, you start so the foundation gets thicker, doesn't it? You know, gaunt. It's difficult, isn't it? I feel for them. John Gaunt? They must go to bed thinking, oh, it? They look, you know, gaunt. It's difficult, isn't it? I feel for them. John Gaunt. They must go to bed thinking, oh, it'll be all wrapped up by my next shift. Then they've got another shift and then another.

I don't know if they go to bed. There's someone who can stay up all night. Not that I've been Googling psychotically, but I know how many hours sleep John King has had most nights. 2.5 hours. Is that all? First night. Yeah, and then I think he might have had three hours.

I mean, the man is an absolute legend. He's going to be really cranky. Just as a general inquiry, if someone said to you, God, I only had 2.5 hours sleep last night, what would you think about that? I'd think, yeah, it's made you do fractions of decimals. I don't know how to bring this up, but I have to tell you,

Cathy said the most brilliant thing to me. Your Cath was. She wants to send me a text. We were both very worried that we'd got ourselves into a bit of a pickle with a mutual friend. Let's leave it there. OK. And we were both concerned about it.

And she texted me... I'm worried about this because cat language is absolutely off the barrack room. I can work clean. OK. She texted me the next morning and said, I feel so sick about this. I had work clean. Okay. She texted me the next morning and said, I feel so sick about this. I had one hour

of sleep. I showed Catherine Ryan the comic this and she said, why did she bother with the hour? Why didn't she just say, I had no sleep? Every morning when I get

up, Cat says something like, two and a half hours no sleep. Every morning when I get up, Kath says something like, oh, two and a half hours sleep. This morning, I creep down on a Saturday morning because obviously I'm up early to come and do the show. Yeah, key worker. Yeah, exactly, key worker. So the family is sleeping. I tiptoe down.

So I'm down in the kitchen having me porridge. The door bursts open and Kath comes in. And I thought, what's happened? She said, I've been awake since half past two. No. Yeah. And then she went back up. She came down just to, didn't want me going to work,

thinking for one second that she'd had a good night's sleep. Every morning. I tell you what, though, Kath could easily, she's missed her calling, she'd be great as one of these election correspondents with her erratic sleeping patterns. But honestly, I

urge you, catch him while you can. It's a thing of beauty. John King. I mean, honestly, Frank, I feel more strongly, I think about him. Oh, goodness. I feel more strongly, I think about him. Oh, goodness. I feel more strongly about him. You know you're on the radio now.

Yes. I think... You will be listening. He'll be talking about Albuquerque and doing a recount or something. He loves his Maricopa County. He's obsessed. I would say I think about him more than either henry the eighth or vince cable does he say caucus a lot is he one of those they say stuff like caucus and supreme and he's yes he talks

he just he's never at a loss for words this is why i love him and if you reverse his names he could fit into a shakespeare play king john good stuff oh frank frank skinner on absolute radio a Shakespeare play. King John. Good stuff. Oh, Frank. We've had some fellow John King CNN lovers here. Really? Yes. I didn't think

anyone in England watched CNN. Everyone does now, thank you. Not everyone. Can I tell you how I got led Is it pay-per-view? Is it another thing that I've been priced out of?

I can't imagine that would be a motive for you. Who got me into it was, who alerted me to it was David Baddiel. He's been banging on about, banging on sounds rude. He's been, I found it informative. Tub thumping. No rude he's been uh i found it informative something no he's been

suggesting that uh he's been recommending the coverage and it is they've got some weird algorithm that you can't stop watching well i am do you want to hear what they say oh yeah victoria caplin hello victoria i completely agree john king looks freshly washed and fragrant after hours of election coverage. He made a boo-boo last night and got confused by the numbers Biden was ahead between seventeen hundred and seventeen thousand in Mariposa. And he completely lost it. He got a fit of the giggles and couldn't stop. It was so endearing. That's like on Open University when the maths professors say, I actually meant 3.24, not... It sounds to me like there was a guy, a DJ, who decided he was going to stay awake for, I think, 72 hours,

and they put him in a glass dome in Times Square, and he did his show live from there, just occasionally going behind the screen to do his personal but yeah exactly about 48 hours

and he suddenly pushed himself away from his desk claiming it was covered in spiders so it's not good, it's not healthy staying awake for long periods of time like that. Can we also say, Al, these men are called chart throbs. Oh, are they? Oh, that, I like that.

Yeah, I like that. There you go, he's a chart throb. No, that's a good one. Did you see the mayor who... No, because it a good one. Did you see the mayor who... No, because it's not 1972. No, but there was an American mayor, and they asked him about... He's a Republican mayor, I think,

and they asked him about Donald Trump saying that the thing was crooked. And the mayor said... You must have seen this. Oh, the Philadelphia mayor? The one who said, well, I think he needs to get his big boy pants on and stand up and admit it.

And I thought, it's a shame that, because he means trousers, of course, because that's what they call pants. Oh, yeah. And his big boy trousers is a funnier line in our country, I think, than pants, because pants is a bit, you know, you're slightly playing to the crowd saying pants. Yes, I see what you mean. But if he just said he needs to put his big boy trousers on,

it's got all that image as if you're going to school and blah, blah. So I felt for him there. But in America, he probably got big laughs. Very occasionally, this should elevates to Frank Skinner analysing the comedy difficulty of being an American mayor. Yeah. Versus an English mayor. But it was a good...

Also, I very much liked Donald Trump's speech when he said, if you just take the legal votes... And I thought, this is a reasonable point, because he's making a point that some of the things are wrong with them. So he's going to say, if you get the legal votes, I've won, and if you include the illegal votes, Joe, right? But what he said, and this is so fabulously Donald Trump, he said, and if you just count the legal votes,

I win easily. He had to. He couldn't even say, okay, like most liars say, okay, it's tight, but, you know, just to try and think,

oh, well, he's being fair about it. I win easily. I like Frank as well. Did you see when he tweeted? He said at one point on Twitter, did you see this? He said, I hereby claim whilst the votes were still

going on, he tweeted we claim Michigan, Wisconsin in addition, we also hereby claim. Like it's the feudal system. And you just say, I claim. I've got a sort of a...

It used to be when, in old films, if you stole someone's deeds in a cowboy film, you suddenly owned their house. You could just help. If you've got them in your hand, it's your house. Simple as that. Frank Skinner. you could just help if you've got them in your hand it's your house simple as that we were just discussing the American election

Al what did you make of it because I think you was anticipating a Trump landslide. Yeah, I got it wrong. I got it wrong. I mean, I think I got it more right than the pollsters. Well, I see you'd make a good pollster judging by that. Well, they were fully wrong and I think I was half right.

He got more votes than he got last time. Loads more. And loads more than people expected. People thought it was going to be a rout, didn't they, that he was gone. I mean, there's parts of me that would like to discover that there has been loads of fake ballots just for the cat amongst the pigeons element. Right. I'm thinking maybe the Russian troll factory.

Right. If they'd sent in loads of fake ballots, and then they could then expose it, it would be quite exciting. Do you know what? I think, because they're saying now, the latest, when I was coming in this morning, that's what I heard on the radio,

is, yeah, that's confirmed that he's absolutely sticking to not leaving. He's refusing to concede, and he says he's not leaving the office. Don't you like that a bit? You know the one single house... It is quite you, Frank. One single house in the middle of the massive building complex.

You know that with the pensioner in it who's lived there since 1938 and won't go. I do like that. With the wrecking ball as it moves to the side of him saying, no, I'm not budging. Well, I've often thought, when I've watched Snooker on the telly, I've often thought, when I've watched snooker on the telly, I've often thought, especially in the big games,

when players concede when they need, like, two snookers, and I've thought, oh, no, I've got a lot more. It'd be a bit more difficult. Well, apparently they're trying to work out who's going to tell him that it might be time, you know, when it's time to maybe gracefully, and it's between Ivanka and his son-in-law. No-one will tell him. What happens if you won't leave?

I mean, what...? I think they have to escort you from the premises. That would be great television, wouldn't it? Maybe it's just really tough. Like, I've got a mate who's a bricklayer and he saw a bloke get sacked and he just went,

no, and came in the next day. Well, they've written Ian both... Because he's really scary and hard, this guy. He just won't... So if he just keep coming in,

eventually they'll have to put his own security onto him and frog march him out, I guess. Well, Ian both of them apparently occasionally, the captain would say,

I'm taking you off next hour, and he'd go, no, you're not. He's just said no. That's what it said the latest is he says he will refuse to concede. Well then he hasn't lost yet so he shouldn't go yet should he sir.

But I think this could start a whole new trend of people just not going. Keeping their jobs. You know it's a trend that's been ongoing since the liberal politics of the 60s of people questioning and thinking, no, actually, do I have to? Maybe I don't have to. Yeah, do what I want. I think in the 80s people thought some of the thinking in the 60s was great and we're starting to realise much of it was terrible.

Well, some of it was brilliant. Excuse me? Much of it awful. That was a big time for my parents. I'm picturing him with two red smoke bombs at the inauguration. You know, just holding them up with the whole thing. The inauguration, guys. What's going to happen?

He's going to be trouble at the inauguration. How's he going to get through that? No, he's going to be heckling and stuff. It'll be brilliant. It'll be really good. He might live tweet it. Well, there was that. Someone had said that he had said he was going to swear his allegiance on a copy of The Art of the Deal.

He'd said that, hadn't he? On the Bible. I heard that, yeah. That's funny. I think there's a... We're saying these things as if they're light-hearted remarks. I think it's perfectly possible he could turn up at the inauguration and be like,

remember the Williams sisters' dad who used to hold up signs and stuff? I can honestly imagine him doing that, holding behind Joe Biden's signs with an arrow on loser and stuff. Do you know what I see him? I see him buying one of those massive 18-wheeler sort of trailers and just parking outside the White House on the other side of the street. He's just like the lady in the van.

That would be lovely. Living there forever. Shouting from a loud hailer. With Joe Biden coming out and saying... Tremendous litigation. Can I get you a cup of tea? Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can I get you a cup of tea? I've got some matrimony news for you now.

That's matrimony. I wish we had that to play in the background while you were reading this out. Do you know it, Gilbert O'Sullivan's matrimony? I don't know it very well. Do you remember? We went to see him, didn't we? Yeah. You did. I nearly got run over reading't know it very well. Do you remember? We went to see him, didn't we, Frank? You did. I nearly got run over reading his autograph on my CD. Did you?

Stood in the middle of the road at the Barbican Centre. Well, when so many people are stepping into the road looking at phones, there's something sort of classic and old school that you were reading handwriting. Yeah, on a CD. It somehow dignified what you did. Still not, but...

It is a death from the old world. Yeah. And that was the night, Al, I found a signed Benedict Cumberbatch programme in the foyer. Oh, yes. Benedict Cumberbatch, by the way, has been suggested as one of the names

that could very easily swap and stay in the Dickens oeuvre. Cumberbatch, Benedict. Yeah, yes, definitely. Strong work. Definitely. Yeah, yes, definitely. Strong work. Definitely. And then play that character. So, yeah, indeed. A newlywed couple have got married

and have realised that their surnames, White and Christmas, become hyphenated to create Mr and Mrs White Christmas. What do you mean, Kieran White and Tilly Christmas? They didn't twig what our last names would be until a friend shared a prom for... I can't believe they didn't twig. They didn't FKA twigs, eh?

They never noticed. But here's the weird thing. Sorry, Carl, the producer is still laughing at Frank making a reference to FKA Twigs. Well, we have lots of conversations about FKA Twigs in our house because she's from Cheltenham, which is where Kath is from. Is she? And Kath knows the school that she went to and all that stuff.

Kath gets very obsessed by local Cheltenham celebrities. She loves a bit of local. Right. Of course, Kath's got a fabulous claim to fame. Oh, yeah? It's that she was asked out by Eddie the Eagle Edwards. That's good. I'd like it if you got into beef with him.

I've met him, of course. Of course, you're happy to work with them all. And it's been downhill all the way. Ah! Very good. That landed. So, Very good. That landed. So, very good.

Can we return to the white Christmases? They claim they didn't spot it, but they met aged 12 and they've

just got married aged 20 in eight years. There was never a pause where one of them was just desperately trying to think

of something to say on a date and they went, white? And Christmas? Oh god! You'd think it would come in that moment. We should clarify, she said that didn't she Al? She said we only twigged when someone else posted a photograph of them

on Facebook or something and she said for the first time it struck her and this was a prom photo. They wrote didn for the first time it struck her. And this was in a prom photo. They wrote, didn't they? They wrote White Christmas. And she said, oh, it suddenly occurred to me. Come on. That could have.

We have built an entire... For years we've been running that idiotic eureka moment when people realise obvious stuff much later. We've all been victimised. I'm no one to talk. We didn't realise until our wedding day that my wife's maiden name was Schmockren and now she's Mrs. Cochran Schmockren.

Just didn't spot it until... No, again, that's an oversight. Yeah. What if she'd married Trevor Eve? Or Roland Gift? Oh, lovely. Oh, lovely. Oh, man. Well, she did say as well,

she said, oh, it has been problematic in my life because, you know, obviously there are times when I've rung up and booked tables at restaurants and they thought I was joking and they've not gone ahead with the booking. Yeah, if you say it's Mrs White Christmas. Well, no, this is prior to meeting Kieran White. She was just Christmas.

Kieran White, comma, 20, supermarket worker. I have a sense, wasn't there a singer called Keith Christmas or something like that? Was there? I'm looking to the producer. Oh, I think it's before her time. Oh, okay. If anyone knows, someone who went like a one-hit wonder guy,

it might not have been Keith, but something Christmas. Okay. But it's got to be the artist and not the name of the song. It's got to be that. But I'm just saying, Frank, I can't imagine.

Very specific texting. If you said, oh, my name is Miss Christmas. My name is Miss Christmas. They would say, oh, my name is Miss Christmas... My name is Miss Christmas. They would say, oh, you're having a laugh. No, I'm surprised. Like the old days of, I don't know if this still goes on, when you'd phone up London Zoo and ask to speak to Mr Sea Lion.

Oh, yes. And all that people would put you on to that one. But Christmas, I don't think I'd be suspicious. Do you remember I met a couple... You wouldn't think i'd be uh suspicious do you remember i mean christmas i met her no not unless she said something uh very untoward um the at the brits do you remember i met a couple at the brits i can't remember their names now and she was called i think frank or franks and he was called Skinner. And she said that they realised that they couldn't hyphenate their names for that reason. She came over to tell me this. I felt quite guilty. I'll be straight with you.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Before we return to the white Christmas story, 066 has texted, Hi everyone, maybe Trump will just sit on the roof, refuse to leave, like those guys you've seen on the news that are protesting planning from the council or something like that. Yeah, that's what it is. That's a very nice observation, it's possible. Yeah, rooftop protests of course, it's a prison tradition.

It is. Fathers for justice, you could put on a Batman outfit and get on top of the White House. Bumping to Brian May, just getting ready for the inauguration gig. Well, there's all sorts of possibilities, but it will be great if he won't go in many ways. Speaking of White Christmas, by the way,

how many other hit records with whistling in can you think of? Oh, what? The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I know you're a fan of whistling in songs, but you're not a particularly big fan of Elbow, but their song, Lippy Kids Kids has whistling in it. Oh, is that right? Jealous Guy, I'd say, is what it is.

Oh, lovely. Does The Good, The Bad and The Ugly have whistling? Am I just imagining that? Oh, yeah. Do, do, do. Doon, doon, doon, doon, doon. Wait for it. Ooh! Yeah, I don't know how they do that. I thought that was the one he did the film with,

Every Which Way But Loose. It was the orangutan. Oh, Clyde. Why was he called Clyde? Why is anyone called anything? No, Clyde is a weird name, Frank, for an orangutan. Well, yeah. Come on.

It seemed to... Yeah, I think it was meant to be that. I thought he'd be called like Giggles or Well, it seemed to. Yeah, I think it was meant to be. I thought it would be called like giggles or something, but Clyde. By the way, this woman who got married, Tilly, Tilly Christmas. Yeah. She spoke,

you hear a lot of stories about proposals. It's a whole genre of strange tales, people. It is. And they were next to a fountain, that spoke of it as it was a famous fountain, but I didn't know it personally. And he knelt on one knee, as is the tradition, and she hadn't noticed, so she walked off

and left him still there. And I then got to thinking, if I saw someone kneeling by a fountain, I'd assume they were being sick. Did you? That was my first thing. And was my first thing what does that say about you? well exactly and then I thought if you were sick into a fountain

would it be taken up eventually into the cascade? good question 8.15 there must be some fountain engineers listening to this show. Or some very heavy drinkers that might know what happens if you're sick into a fountain. Yeah. Think about the new year when the fountains used to be a gathering place.

I hope your partner isn't listening to this bit of the show. Why? Well, she's a bit phobic about these things. Oh, she doesn't like the vomiting it's true oh frank daniel skipsy has said i hate oh sorry i don't know why i did that skipsy yeah skipsy i hate whistling but sitting on the dock of the bay has got some in are you familiar with that oh he always has yeah yeah actually 6-6-0 is also suggested sitting on the dock.

You've got a good whistle, you see. I can't really whistle. I haven't got a very... I can't do those two-fingered shrieking whistles. Oh, I can do that. I knew you'd do that, Al. But I can't really do the good football manager whistle where you don't use your hand, you just do that. Well, my...

Boz asked me, my eight-year-old asked me to teach him to whistle recently it's really i can't i don't know nuanced it's quite um a hard one to to get across we did quite well on swinging without being pushed that seemed to work quite well but whistling i mean i don't know where my tongue is and stuff like that. You know, my tongue has a life of its own. Yeah. As you can tell by some of the rubbish

I speak on here. Anyway, if anyone has got a nice, easy explanation, I'd love it. Because at the moment, he's just blowing air out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Many have. Many more will, I suspect. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Okay.

I got excited because I think there's a great example of whistling in a song, which I'd forgotten. 489, how about Walk Like an Egyptian? Oh, God, I can't remember the whistling. Oh, come on. I can, but I can't whistle. Oh, that's frustrating can't remember the whistling. Oh, come on. I can, but I can't whistle. Oh, that's frustrating. Can you hum it?

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Oh, yes. Frank, can you do it? Is that a whistle? Yeah. OK. I'll tell you what I used to do. I used to do in snooker halls.

I must have told you this before. I'd start playing snooker, and they're very quiet. Well, I don't know what they're like now. I've been in one for ages, but always very quiet. I used to go in them a lot. And I'd go, be playing a shot, and I'd just casually to myself go... Just the first bit of the Some Mothers Do Have Them theme

and then leave it. And within two minutes, you hear... WHISTLE BLOWS It's absolutely infectious. It's gone into their souls. Fun game. Yeah. Do you know, I've always heard... Possibly slightly more rewarding than actual snooker,

which is devilishly hard on a full-sized table. That's a big time. Al, I've got to say something, though. Good for the social distancing, though. Obviously, this doesn't apply to you two, because I feel nothing but platonic love, immense love, but it's very firmly platonic and never strays into love lane.

Well, you've got to say this, but, you know. But, but, I have a real... I don't know, I come over a bit curious. Men playing pool does something to me oh yeah if i see a man i know donks playing pool i just call up an artist and say bring your oils over oh man that's still still a great the old masters with a cigarette in poor thank you but frank it's something about if a man I know it's not about

any random it's not about Ray Riordan it's about if you or Al suddenly picked up the cue I'd feel a bit funny

and I'd have to yeah it's I don't know what it is it's just it's something about the skill of it I love it anyway

I think Freud did have a theory on it yeah for God's sake but yeah no okay let's clean things up I've received

a text message remember I bet Freud said that sometimes in analysis we've gone through some I bet Freud's cleaner

said that some dream about holes we were discussing my childhood memory of scrambles. When people threw a big fistful of change out of a car window. Something I've discovered today, the scramble. 087 has texted,

Hi Frank, on the theme of the scramble, I grew up in Alcester. Is that right, Alcester? I think it's Ulster. Ulster, just south of Birmingham, where the court lead, a sort of feudal name for town council, once a year stood at the windows of the upper floor of the town hall and threw a handful of coins to the poor youth assembled below. It rapidly descended into a brawl to get the pennies.

I avoided the melee and ran round the edges, picking up coins rolling out of the scrum, and I suspect I was more successful than those in the thick of the fight. I like that. Yeah, that's like the people who stand slightly back for corners. They stand a bit further back thinking if this ball comes through, I'll be ready, I'll be the one on my own. Yeah.

It's a bit reminiscent of, there was an Anglo-Saxon tradition that if there was a grand banquet, they would eat from plates made of bread. Right, nice. So everything would be eaten off these bread plates and then they would throw the plates out the window to the waiting pool

and the plates would be slightly soaked in the food that had been on them. Nice. Oh, I see. Good idea. Yeah, so kind. Let's bring it back. We might be glad of it, 2021.

Frank, 107. Yeah. This is Dave. We always used to sing Talk Like You from Tipton instead of Walk Like an Egyptian. I'm sure you can relate to that. Tipton. Tipton.

I used to do a regular gig in Tipton at a place called the Pie Factory. Is that near you? It's a Dudley-ish place. The thing always used to be that um there was a lot of rag and bone men in tipton and that you would see you would see a small terrorist house with a horse on the lawn that was but i think i mean i'm that was the tradition whether it's actually fair it's probably yeah gentrified since i don't know. I would be astonished if that

had happened to Tipton. But I believe it's the home of Stevie Bull. Oh yeah? Oh lovely. Hence the song

Stevie Bull's a tatter he wears a tatter's hat. I think we'll have to leave it there. That's the first line.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Again, a lot of texts and emails telling us songs with whistling in them, Frank. That's more than I thought. Me and Julio down by the schoolyard, good whistling in a cracking song. It is a brilliant song. Do you know it? No. That's from Mark. I'm on my way, I don't know where I'm going It's a bit like this

Whistling on the radio Always popular with the listeners I hear many shows where they could just whistle the links and nothing would be lost I like it when you slag off on the radio us whistle the links and nothing would be lost. I like it when you slag off on the radio. It really, for some reason, it really pleases me.

It's about time it could do with a trim. We are key workers. We have a certain responsibility. I mean, Mushy Mushy says of whistling, I can't think of anything more annoying or publicly invasive. Well, I can, mushy. Thank you. My partner feels like that about whistling, coincidentally. Well, when people whistle in my house, I tend to go, Outdoor!

Do you have outdoor voice with the... Outdoor and indoor voice, yeah. And I think whistling is an outdoor noise. What does that mean? Oh, well, he doesn't do it. Isn't that the thing with children? You say, no, use your indoor voice, yeah. And I think whistling is an outdoor noise. What does that mean? Oh, well, he doesn't do it. Isn't that the thing with children? You say, no, use your indoor voice. No, I like...

I've always been a big fan of shouting in the house. And out. How do you feel about room-to-room shouting? Because that does my head in. We have many, many arguments about that. Well, Kath's saying, I can't hear you from in here! Which is odd, because I can

hear her perfectly clearly. But, you know, sometimes you're shouting, come and have a look at this. You don't want to be going back into the room. Oh, here we go. I know it sounds a bit first world problem,

but sometimes people are on a different floor when I'm in my nice kitchen with the kettle on and the radio on and I can just hear, Daddy! Right, yeah. I'm a big fan of having, the home that I grew up in, we argued with each other all the whole,

it was, I once read, I think he was a 17th century writer, French writer, who described London as one long shout. And that's kind of what my childhood was like. We all just shouted at each other. So when I started going out with Kat, she'd grown up in quite an orderly house. So we had an argument and i went to shout in early

she was a lot like i you know thrown the sofa through the window that's interesting because i think i grew up in the skinnerian you know that was very much my vibe as i'm sure won't surprise you with actors well exactly but i mean left? Well, I did often wish at the end of the day I'd used my diaphragm a bit more than I used my throat. Tell me about it, dear. I mean, you've got to come from deep with the real shouting. And, of course, one of my great pleasures as a small child was to go to the top of the garden quite late before I went to bed

and shout as loud as I could for about five minutes. Oh, yeah. Must have been fun for the neighbours. I don't know what that was about, but, God, there's some nights I wouldn't mind revisiting. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did you hit my chair squeak then as I adjusted? I thought it was your spine and I didn't want to say anything.

No, no. Okay. That's the kind of guy I am. When did Stevie Wonder switch from harmonica to piano? Anyway. Bethany Still has suggested, for the Dickensian names, Foreman George. He'd box your ears if you didn't pull your weight in the workhouse. Oh, yeah, because he'd be Foreman George.

Yeah, that's true. Lovely work, Bethany, one of our regulars. Ah, Foreman George. Enjoy that? I thought you would. You lads will do as you're told! OK. And obviously, thank you for everyone sending in a lot of don't worry, be happies for the whistling,

Bobby McFerrin. Is that that bit? Yeah, absolutely. And a lot of Roger Whittaker's, of course, Billy Joel, The Stranger. Roger Whittaker, whatever happened to him? He died. He, South African, I believe.

Whistling was a big feature of his stuff. Ah, OK. And he used to do a song that went called I'm Going to Leave Old Durham Town, which began when I was a boy, I'd spend my time sitting on the banks of the River Tyne, which doesn't run through Durham, but maybe he travelled for his...

Don't let facts get in the way of a good rhyme. Sitting around, exactly. Let's not forget singing in the rain. There's whistling in that. We've had a bit of an update on Tipton, which I think you were a bit concerned that you were slurring accidentally but it felt like a

historic version of Tipton that you were describing I was saying it was a theatrical interpretation and I mooted the possibility that it had probably been gentrified by now and I think I was wrong. I live in Tipton and I can say the horse in the front

slash backyard is true. It's still going on today. Oh, what? It's nothing to see a horse tethered outside a pub either. Best wishes are Tipton, wench, born and bred. I love this Tipton wench. Do you think that will be Donald Trump tethering his horse to the outside the White House? When he's parked up.

Has he got a horse? He seems more limber than Porsche, doesn't he? I know he's not an animal fan because he was the first president not to keep an animal as a pet in the White House. What did he keep? Let's not go into that, dear. Let's not go into that. But he said, no, I did respect him for that. He said, I'm not going to buy a dog

I think there was pressure on him he said it'll look phony he said I can't walk it I can't walk that thing how would that look? I love the fact that he was in his 70s and became president

before he worried about looking phony have you seen your tan? but in fairness that wasn't his thing and he wouldn't have it imposed on him so I quite like that he said

I'm not well there's a lot to like. Whereas traditionally... Steady on, mate. Whereas... Emily with the pro-Trump comments. No, I'm just saying, if someone doesn't want a dog, fine. I'd rather that than they got it and didn't like it.

As opposed to some former presidents, no names mentioned, have got dogs and then sent them back. Oh, right. I mean, Ronald Reagan had Lucky, who was huge. Oh, really? But don't, you know, I don't know everything about this. Go to the White House Presidential Pet Museum if you'd like to hear more about this.

Thank you. An online thing. I recently bought a dog as a wedding present. Did you? And I said a dog is for life, not for the white Christmases. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Oh, I wanted to

let you boys know something, which is Christmas is coming. You will be getting my list soon. I've been checking out Gwyneth Paltrow. Are you aware of this boy? She has a website called Goop. Oh, God, yes. I mean, it's...

Excellent news. It's... I would say radio shows where people sit around chewing the fat about the week's news, Goop has been a tremendous, tremendous facility well she's much mocked isn't it much more for for being sort of unscientific mumbo jumbo in a way it was before its time it's very 2020. i think also the fact that she's now she she was she was an actor but she calls herself a wellness entrepreneur she's still an actor and she is an actor but she calls herself a wellness entrepreneur

she's still an actor isn't she she is an actor but she's a wellness entrepreneur as well I like the wellness entrepreneur thing do you

yeah well I'm looking for a fallback plan now that comedy's closed down is that what Dean Gaffney was in it oh no he's well odd you could be a

bloody mindedness entrepreneur alright yeah I'll take that no you're a well odd entrepreneur so she they do this sort of Christmas guide Entrepreneur. All right. Yeah, I'll take that. No, you're well-oiled entrepreneur. So she, they do this sort of Christmas guide.

Yeah, they bring out things. The holiday guide. They're gifts, really, aren't they? And they're gifts for the rich, I think it's fair, for and by the rich. And in the past, there's been some sort of controversial personal items and the like. Quite. Yeah, smell of candles and such like. Yes. But you know what?

I got a soft spot for Goop. I think it's because I really like her as Pepper Potts. I like Gwyneth. You know, I loved Chris and I actually respected the conscious uncoupling. Yeah. Yeah, what a night that was. Toilet paper costing £34, called number two.

Discuss. To be fair, I think it's dollars. Oh, you're right. £34 would be ridiculous. Is it dollars? Can we check this, please? Is it dollars? I think it is, yeah.

So in the end, it's only about 25 quid a roll. Okay. Yeah. And Simon Cowell, as you know, I think I've told you this, my best fact about him, black toilet paper in all of his toilets. Insists on black toilet paper. Don't know how I feel about it.

I know, I don't know how I feel. It makes me sick. About that. I don't know, for some idea, for some reason I'm getting after-rates in their black envelope. That's an image. Do you know what I'm getting, Frank? I'm getting gone to the toilet in an 80s restaurant,

had to use a napkin. Oh, no. No. And by the way, you say that it prices people out, but there is an under $100 section, which obviously I went straight to. Yeah. After a brief glimpse at some of the more expensive stuff,

there's a $38,000 mattress on there. But if that's a brilliant mattress, and you're a multi-millionaire, why not get it? Who is it we did on the show once? Oh multi-millionaire why not get it who is it we did on the show once was it oh yeah a rapper was it drake or something i think it might have been drake bought a bed yeah that was um well the 38 000 mattress i clicked on it because you know you never know when we might need a new mattress um every 10 years mate on the advert they didn't have um bed clothes on it and then I thought

I suppose they want people to know bed clothes? I love the phrase bed clothes when you say bed clothes I think of Frank in his top cap but I call them bed clothes I would never say that

I would call it bedding the tubblies. The valance sheets. Valance! Valance! Sir Patrick Valance sheets. That's when bed wetting then becomes a major issue. Yes.

If it's 38,000. Well, she'd let the dog on it. The dog was on the picture on the 38,000. You know, normally bed wetting is something you can laugh about the next morning, but not on that. Not on that. I was a bedwetter. Do you think these are toilet rolls that people...

We're just going to go straight past that. I thought it was for the best. You let that go. Where would you like to... To take it. To expand that? Are you done? Is this therapy or broadcasting? No, I'm just saying I was a bed wetter in childhood.

Thank you. Oh, in childhood. Yeah, that's a bit of route one bed wetting. I think Frank's talking about in alcohol, isn't he? Yeah, I'm talking about in my mid-30s. Oh, God. Childhood. Come on.

That's a default bed wetting. First time I've ever been shamed for not wetting the bed in my thirties. Oh, well, it's... Anyway, I never did it on a mattress. There's a lot of it. Have you ever seen a mattress on waste ground that doesn't have a stain on it? That don't exist.

Is that one of those text-ins? Have you ever seen one in a bedroom? No. That's why they have to wear clothes. Hey, I've been vindicated again. 398. Al, bed clothes for sure. Bedding is what you put down in a stable for a horse.

I think I've vindicated you. How do you what you put down in a stable for a horse. I think I've indicated that. How do you know that's not where I sleep? Thank you. Al, you've been checking out Goop. I love to hear this. Have you seen the absurdly expensive item on the Christmas gift? Can we move on? Before we move on, don't you think there is an argument?

I think there's a great deal of waste in the toilet paper business. There certainly is in our house. This is a debate I've had many times with my partner. Don't you think if you were paying 25 quid for a roll, you'd be a little bit more folding? Let's put it that way. A bit more frugal with it. Yeah, a bit more frugal sharky.

A bit more folding, let's put it that way. A bit more frugal with it. Yeah, a bit more frugal sharky. I'm slightly more concerned about this is a debate I've had many times with my partner. Do you stand outside the toilet saying how much paper are you using? When I see an enormous amount of paper in the toilet, I just think that's waste. And I don't like waste. Well, you're correct, it is waste. Yes.

Very good. and I don't like waste. Well, you're correct, it is waste. Yes. No, but I mean... And I think you would acknowledge that no human being needs to go into double figures on the sheetage. So I'm... Speak for yourself. I think there's an argument for this. I'd also...

I'd like to know if people throw these toilet rolls at polo matches. Because, what happened to that tradition of people throwing toilet rolls

at football matches? It was absolutely central. It was a huge deal. It definitely stopped before fans were stopped. It wasn't that Covid has killed it.

It stopped a decade ago. It was very much the sort of pitch invader era, wasn't it? But you used to see like the goals. It used to get threaded in the netting. There'd be a goalie standing there and he'd be encased. Toilet roll, and it just stopped. And it's not harmless.

It's not going to hurt anybody throwing a toilet roll. Bring back toilet rolls. You think it's a health and safety issue. That's what stopped it. I think it was that episode of Kirby Enthusiasm when he gets trick-or-treated and they cover the house in toilet roll. Oh, yeah. Well, as you can imagine, being a dog owner,

I go through a fair few amount. Oh, do you? Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Your dog uses the toilet? No, it's the puppy with the toilet roll. It's the thing, you know, the E&M. Of course, of course. My dog does like a toilet roll.

I see. I'd like to buy the white Christmases for Christmas. I'd like to buy them a chamber pot, which when you pick it up, it plays Christmas number one. If any of their friends are listening, you can have that. Go for it. So we should talk about, there was a gift there that was, I was going to say two grand, but it's $2,000 essentially. $1,995.

Did you see this? I've got a little bit of a block on that particular price because I was overwhelmed by many of the prices. It's a Ouija board. Oh, the Ouija board. Glitter Ouija board. Hand-poured, glitter-bombed acrylic. Yeah.

I had a look in my family spreadsheet and we've only got one and a half thousand dollars for a Ouija board this year. Oh. It's been a tough year. I'm sorry to hear that.

The designer... You should have called me. It's designed by Edie Parker and at first I looked at it and I thought, and then I realised to my horror I do own an item by Edie Parker.

Do you? I'm not going to tell you how much it costs. It's a clutch bag. Oh, I was hoping you were going to say it was like a crystal ball. She specialises in occult accessories. Edie Parker, it's named after Jack Kerouac's wife, I believe. Oh, when you said Edie Parker, I thought that rings a bell.

There you go. Anyway, Ouija board. Yeah, I like that Gwyneth's brought out her Ouija board. She's still Mrs Iron Man. I thought you lot weren't fans of the old old. No, I'm not fans. I've told this story. He doesn't like Guy Fawkes night and he doesn't like Ouija boards.

I don't like Ouija boards. Especially glitter seems inappropriate for the deceased. For me, I'm a traditionalist. Speak for your own family. It has to be. I don't want to dress in muted colours. Excuse me, my family were all about glitter up there. We know what the dead like is

ragged hessian. That's what that is. And Frank, I tell you what else they like, Puritan shoes, Puritan buckle on the shoes. Yeah, it's... But you've got to... I mean, that regular hessian is there. That's what I call the deceased chic.

Anyway, and thank you so much for listening to us this morning. And I hope you'll all be gathering around your tellies for Spurs Albion tomorrow. Think of me. Think of the... We're back to some good old-fashioned shouting in the house. Okay, so if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.