The Frank Skinner Show - Cheese Then

Episode Date: December 19, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is back after his week off and he has seen the new Star Wars film. SPOILERS! Plus Emily has been to Miami. Just remember "What daddy doesn't know, won't hurt him".

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This morning I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, them very good friends of mine. And if you'd like to be a friend of mine, you can text the show on 81215. Is that all it takes? Eh?

I wish I'd have known. I've put in years' worth of work. I've got a lot of mine, you can text the show on 8-12-15. Is that all it takes? Eh? Yeah. I've put in years worth of work. I've got a lot of vacancies. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. I said at Frank on the Radio. I mean at Frank on the Radio. And you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'm staring at Father Christmas.

Oh. What has happened to you? You said tune, and then you said at Frank on the Radio. Oh, I see. You've got a Father Christmas. Oh. What has happened to you? You said tune, and then you said, ah, Frank on the radio, and then you go, oh, I see, you've got a Father Christmas chocolate thing. This is the bell. Yeah. Is that a gift from Absolute Radio? It's from Daisy, the producer,

who gets us a lint... What's it called, this chocolate? Lindor? Lint. Lint. Lint, darling. Lint, that's right. She gets us a Lint Bonnie

at Easter, Lint Father Christmas at Christmas. Yeah. That's her game. I phoned Daisy the other day and at the end of the phone... I don't like where this is going. I feel tense. At the end of the phone call, I said,

right, okay, cheese then. And I put the phone down and I thought, oh, I've said cheese then. Instead of cheers. Knowing you, you left it, presumably. Well, I was going to phone back and say, sorry, I know I said cheese then, but I wasn't getting at anything. I just

meant to say. And I've got a friend, David Schneider, actually. Yes, I'm a big fan of his work. Actor, director. Lovely man as well. Writer. And dot-com millionaire.

And he was... Who's he? He's a massive Freudian. Well, don't say that, because the taxman might be listening, and it might not be entirely accurate. I think it's all declared. David, if you're listening, is it declared text in on 8-12-15? If you know David, let us know.

If you're his accountant, text in, let us know. No, he's an honest man. And he is very, very pro Sigmund Freud. Is he a Freudian? And he honestly believes there is no such thing as an accidental slip of the tongue, that whatever you say, that it is coming from somewhere subconsciously that you're trying to say something else. Every slip. I mean, there's no exceptions.

So why did I say cheese then to Daisy? To Daisy. Is it because Daisy is traditionally a name we associate with cattle and I was working my way through the dairy food? I don't know. We'll never know. Were you hungry? Do you think you might have been hungry? Just fancied a bit of...

I might have been. I think it was a pre-lunch. Yeah, I was actually A brie lunch? I think you were... It was a brie lunch? It was a brie... not a brie lunch. Maybe you were subconsciously declaring your love of the

broader style of comedy. Jeez. Jeez, then. That's your favourite. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know the answer if I'm just trying to help you. I might have been thinking forward to the Strictly final.

I don't know. We'll never know. But anyway, that happened. That's something that happened to me this week that I've shared with you. But David, if you could text in with your tax details. Believe me, I guarantee David Schneider is a man who pays his full taxual...

I know you've done some strange text-ins on our show, but this is surely the most obscure. Does David Schneider pay his tax? It's off because you described him as a dot-com millionaire. I should add. He's a man who got into Twitter earlier and he owned it. He was an early adopter. He owned it.

It wasn't an epic fail. He owned it. Oh, right. God. Phew, it's hot in here, isn't it? You know what that means? That means, Emily, can you turn the air con down? Well, I'm clammy. OK. You know that.

I feel like Brie. I could have been made of Brie. You feel like Brie. Can we get some Brie? Frank feels like Brie. Jeez, then. Maybe I'll adopt it as my regular goodbye. We're looking for a new ending to the show.

I mean, that could be it. A lot of people listening to this, I think, are already looking for a new ending to the show. I mean, that could be... A lot of people listening to this, I think, are already looking for a new ending to the show. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I went to a Christmas craft fair. Oh, was it a fair? I went to a...

A fair with a Y? I love a fair with a Y. Yes, it was a fair with a Y. Oh. Did you get any craft work? Was there any? A fair with a Y? I love a fair with a Y. Yes, it was a fair with a Y. Did you get any craft work? Very fine. If they'd had some craft work, I would have got it. You know what I love about a fair with a Y, Frank? You always get very kind people wearing sandals.

And a lot of mead. I don't know that I agree with that. Okay, tell me why. I find them more stressful than doing, let's say, a live stand-up tour. Really? This thing of looking at people's wares and they look at you, it's the breakaway moment when you have to then go, what do you say at the moment before you walk away? Well, don't try Tinder, then.

Lovely. Yeah. I think with Tinder, I think people are a bit more, I don't know, my experience is Grindr. I find people there, you know, they're more up front. But I went to a, they were selling jerk relish. Nice. Oh, lovely, yeah. Like you get selling jerk relish. Nice. Oh, lovely, yeah.

Like you get the jerk chicken thing. You love a condiment, don't you? I do, which for a Catholic is obviously difficult. And I tried all four different types and then went, hmm, lovely, and then walked away. And although they were like, you know, very, as you say, sweet, gentle people, I felt I was waiting

for the meat axe between the shoulder blades. I find that not buying absolutely mega stressful. And how often do you see anything in a craft fair that you want in your life? Well, normally you're right because you can lose yourself, Eminem,

in the shop environment. Yes. Whereas you can't do that with a store. Yes, it's almost one-to-one with these people. It's do you want me, no. It's a bit like the taste of it in a supermarket, but writ large and in front of the maker of the actual shop. Well, see, it's the mate.

I mean, I'm sure these people had made the jerk relish. So I was... Why don't you just have some? Save the embarrassment. You've got a few quid. What was it, five? Frank, come's the mate. I mean, I'm sure these people had made the jerk relish. So I was... Why don't you just have some? Save the embarrassment. You've got a few quid. What was it? Fiver? Come on, Al.

What I'd like to do is bought it and then just smashed it straight up the wall. So happy now? Al, sorry to open another tab on the browser. Oh, yeah. But you strike me as something of a fan of the taster at the supermarket. I think you've had a three-course meal. Good shout.

Is that true? Yeah. But as you said, those people, they're not invested in that stuff. Those people stand they don't care if you bite or not. It doesn't affect their wages. But these people, it's their lives. I mean, he's standing there. Whilst you're tasting the chutney, he might have even heard the show. She. She might be thinking, that's their lives. I mean, he's standing there. Whilst you're tasting the chutney,

he might have even heard the show. She. She might be thinking, that's Frank Skinner, I've heard him talk about how much he loves chutney on the show. Oh, my God, he's going to buy the whole lot. And then you just walked off. Yeah.

And everyone I tasted, I think they saw it as me getting deeper into obligation. Yes. And they got that wrong. Yeah, so I don't know if I could go to another one. I find it hellish. Just the look at the...

I feel I have to look at every store as if I approve of the stuff that's on it. You know the stupid jewellery and all that. You have to look at it and... Stupid jewellery. I just want to write next I want to do it in a slight jog and everyone

just go no no no not bad no no not bad but not buying anything no oh awful no yeah oh no you would enjoy tinder in that case but really it's the most just telling people I don't why would I want that I wish I had the telling people, I don't, why would I want that?

I wish I had the guts to say, I don't want that. That. Why did you make that? Make something nicer than that. I can't, I'm too sensitive. That is definitely your problem, yeah. Do you know, Al, the thought of Frank in front of a stall, nakedly staring at another human being, judging their wares,

it makes me feel stiff with stress. Well, that's where I lose my confidence of just telling people that that's rubbish or whatever. And I apple crumble. Oh, I've done one of them otherwise. Food, Friday and sleep. It's weird. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

OK, I tell you, a thing I've started doing a lot just lately... Yes. ..is watching television on mute. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. And I don't mean, like, for five minutes. I mean, like, two or three consecutive shows. I watched the whole of the Royal Variety show on mute.

Wow. And I was in with my... Well, I don't know, it might have been brilliant. Would it have been? Well, Jack Whitehall was hosting. It looked like he was storming it. I could see it in his eyes that he was having a good time. Oh, yeah.

And I thought, I don't need... I enjoy it. I might not have even noticed that inner glow that he'd got. You know, that excitement of thinking this is going well. I don't think I'd have noticed that if I'd just been watching him. No. You know, with sound. Yeah.

I was in with my mother-in-law. She was furious because she wanted to watch the Royal Variety Show. Hang on, when you say it's on mute, you actively say we're not going to put the volume up. I thought it was just... Well, I don't say it, I just do it. I don't feel I need to announce it in my own home. No.

The irony of you announcing that you're putting the celly on mute when you could just... Yeah. Exactly. But I don't like the thought of Sandy Mason having to sit there. Well, what's the thinking behind it, Frank? Well, there was no original. Originally, it was just, you know, sometimes you just want to be at peace and quiet.

Oh, yeah. So I just did that. I've never known that in my whole life. Okay, well, I've come to... What you need is more terrible relationships. No, I don't. Trust me. After that.

You know when someone moves out who you despise? That can be... The joy then of being on your own can be... Anyway. Anyway. Anyway, I'll tell you what I find. So I just started doing that. And I'll tell you what's good about it as well, is I like to do meandering character assassinations

of people on the television. And sometimes people in the room can't hear me um tearing them apart while people on the screen are gabbing on yeah hold on yeah i'm talking so um so uh yeah so i've i've uh i've muted them i watched an episode of supergirl have you seen supergirl? No. Are you sure you've got the name right? What is it? It's Supergirl. Okay. All right.

It's about Supergirl, the female who came from Krypton and had superpowers. Is this one of your weird Channel 5 things? I don't know what channel it's on. It's not on one of the, what you'd call the mains. No. It's a on one of the, what you'd call the mains. No. It's, but I was, it's a side dish. One of the side dish channels. And I, they ought to have, hadn't they, the big, a big plate, a big dish.

Yes. Yeah. A big sky dish and then a small one for your side plate channels. That's one of the best ideas you've ever had. Then you can have like a starter for the news. You know, you watch a bit of the best ideas you've ever had. Then you can have a look at Starter for the news. You watch a bit of the news before you watch programmes to see what's happening in the world before you can escape it. Anyway, Supergirl is this thing.

It's pretty good mute. I've never actually heard it. Calista Flockhart's in it. Oh, I like her. Harrison Ford. Yes. Now, I'll tell you something about Calista Flockhart. Had I been watching it with the sound on, I don't think I would have noticed that every single shot of Callista Flocker

is a slightly softer focus than the rest of the show to get rid of her wrinkles. Oh. Every time it cuts to Callista Flocker, it looks like she's in a fish tank. That sounds true. She's not a hashtag no filter, is she? No, she's...

I'm wondering if I can get that, if I'm ever on telly again, I could try and get my management to get me in soft focus. That'd work. I mean, she must just have one camera that just looks after her. Oh, right. And just... Brings her own camera. Yeah.

She's got it in a big suitcase that she turns up with. Exactly. Sometimes, you know, a bit of Vaseline on the lens. Yeah. They love that. Yeah, so... So you noticed those bit of Vaseline on the lens. They love that. Yeah, so... I wouldn't have noticed that. And we had a long debate about whether

Supergirl looks better as Supergirl or as Kara Danvers, her secret identity, in which she has her hair up and spectacles. And like so many women, she looks better up with hair up and spectacles now what you see I might have made that point and not been heard

because it would have been a big action scene observations to be ruined by the sound of explosions and stuff do you like to know until you really notice acting as well when people are giving like the gestures. Oh, yeah. Trembly faces and stuff. I would, honestly, I would recommend it. I'm going to, well, I tell you what I do, I already do it sometimes with James Martin. Oh. Saturday Kitchen.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I like having it on. It's like Company Without the Agro. It's no disrespect to them. No. Obviously, sometimes I am, I mean, viciously tearing them apart, but I think one accepts that. I'm sure it happens to me

when I'm on. Yes, it does. I don't have a problem with it. What I don't know, what Daddy doesn't know won't hurt him. It's the way I see it. Creepiest thing you've ever said. If anyone can identify where that came from, by the way I see it. Creepiest thing you've ever said. If anyone can identify where that came from, by the way, from that line,

what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him. Sing it again. Yes. So, yes, if anyone can identify what that's from, I'll be... Sick. No. I will sing a song based on their name. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. I think we've heard from the outside world. We have. People have been telling us... Sorry, I've turned up the wrong mic. Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry, everyone. Sorry, Gordon.

Yeah, I think I... Yeah, I turned up the wrong mic. Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry, everyone. Sorry, Gordon. Yeah, I think I... Yeah, I turned up... Sorry. Just talking to the exec producer. It appears to be called Gordon. It's nice that you're apologising to Gordon rather than me. Also, me as a Gordon. We'll talk after.

We'll embrace. 1973 dad in a sitcom. So, one suggestion. Frank, would you like to repeat? Yes. And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him. Lovely. So, the suggestions as to where this is from...

Actually, can I do it in my best American accent, which, as you know, is Wild West old-timer. If you must. And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him. OK, thank you., is Wild West old-timer. If you must. In what daddy doesn't know, won't hurt him. OK, thank you. Infinitely preferable. 594 has texted us and suggested Paper Moon. I'm afraid that's incorrect.

OK. Alan, you got any? Whereas I think possibly the rest of the texts are going to be saying, ooh, hello, what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him is from the epic Wait Till Your Father Gets Home. Exactly. It was a brilliant sort of grown-up cartoon, which seems to have been forgotten, called Wait Till Your Father Gets Home,

which the father was actually voiced by Tom Bosley. Yes. Who you may remember was the dad in Happy Days. Ah. Yeah, and it was brilliant. And that used to be... Excellent. We've had another.

Dad ain't so bad and he seldom gets mad and we aren't about to desert him. Kids today like to get their own way and what Daddy doesn't know won't hurt him. There you go. Thank you for that, Frank. Well done. Who got that? Leah got it. Leah.

And another number which Alan can look into whilst I read this other text. I'm going to sing a song for Leah. Jet, I can almost remember the smiling faces. What do you think? It's based on Leah Jet. Oh, I see. I think it's rather

extraordinary. What about how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child? Oh, lovely. From King Lear. King Lear. King Lear. Yeah.

We've had a text in. Said that was a Freudian slip. I think so. Yeah, I'm rather sure that's a thing. Why would you say Lear? Go on. 575 has texted us. Happy Christmas all.

Just wanted to say, the date in which I asked what would Frank Skinner do, Frank, would you just care to explain what that was? Can you remember that? Yeah, I was... I don't remember it very well. He was a correspondent that got in touch with the show a couple of times and he was going on a first date and was trying to sort of imbue his life with, I think, a bit of the spirit of Frank.

Yes, but didn't he have a specific dilemma? I can't remember that bit. Anyway, he said... I feel bad now. You know when people think... Oh, now I've drawn attention to it. It was months ago. Oh, I feel awful about it.

Okay, well... No, no, no, carry on. Only four people are going to hear it. Come on. It went very well, the date. However, she's now with someone else. Oh. Well, yeah, now that's what it's like now, isn't it?

He says, nevertheless, let's let Zygons be Zygons. Excellent. But you see, if Zygons were just Zygons it wouldn't be a problem. You're not getting nerdy now, are you? Getting? Getting nerdy? It's because they're shapeshifters that make them a major threat.

He says, and move on forward, plus we've got 30 people already coming for Christmas so perhaps you three would fancy it. Legend. 30 people coming for Christmas? Yeah. He must would fancy it. Legend. 30 people coming for Christmas? Yeah. He must from one of those homeless places. That's going to be a busy old man.

Nobody would have 30 in a private home, would they? Private home? No, surely not. I don't mean like in a home. Why did he feel the necessity to add the word private? It's a stately home. Do you know there's a George Forby song called It'd Be Better Off In A Home?

Which lots of people used to say when I was thinking. Oh, Frank. Frank, we've been hoisting fire. I forgot that. What a phrase, though. I mean, it'd be better off in a home. I don't think there's much chance of reinstalling that as a popular

catchphrase. Oh my goodness. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Still laughing about him'd be better off. Well, Dave Granger is very tickled by it. What, Dave Granger from sales? Maybe.

Does he look like Gordon? He says, best Yuletide saying I've ever heard. I'm going to make it my Christmas mission to reinstate he'd be better off in a home. I shall start by putting it in my in-laws Christmas card. And why was it always preceded by better often? There was no other way of saying it, was there? Well, also, a home is so vague. I'm going to say it during the Queen's speech. She'd be better off in a home.

What if people are saying it about you, Frank? They might be. Now, we've had a text on that subject. We've had a tweet, from carl patrick who says i'm now considering listening to the radio with the mute button pressed yes merry christmas oh there's always one of the hazards of this car i don't know what would be the radio equivalent i suppose you could watch the um do we still have the camcorder the uh what they call it why don't we have the web anymore i think it's because you cocaine camcorder. What do they call it? The webcam. The webcam. We haven't got a webcam anymore. Why don't we have the web anymore?

I think it's because you... Cocaine camcorders. It was like ancient Rome. What's that from? It's from... What's it called? Very quirky today. That Ray Winston movie with Ben Kingsley.

Oh, yeah. Something beast. Pretty beast. Sexy beast. Not pretty beast, darling. Yes, well, I was working towards it, dear. OK. Yeah.

Can I, you know, can I show you my socks? Oh! I'd love to. The answer is everyone at home should have shouted no. I'll text you. OK, let's have a look. He's getting, he's putting a leg up. Excellent.

OK, listeners, they're black with a white motif. Yes. Which features, is it sort of triangles and circles? Aren't they lovely? Lovely. Who made them? Who made them? Where did it go?

Bjorn Borg. Oh, my God. Bjorn Borg. Who knew? Who knew? For the benefit of the listeners, Frank just did an ab workout to sit backwards to bare his souls to Emily. I bare my souls. Fabulous work.

He did what's called a baby pose in yoga. Is it? But who knew that Bjorn Borg was in hosiery? Yeah, he's an underwear dude, isn't he? I'd heard about the pants. I didn't know he'd gone downstairs. He's gone below. Yeah, he's in the basement, Bjorn. I thought he was just ground floor, so to speak.

Frank, I'd be willing to bet a grand that you didn't pay for those. Well, that's absolutely correct. I try not to pay for any clothes at all. Where did you get them? Were they sent to you? No, I was dressed in them. One thing that wardrobe ladies always say, because obviously you get dressed, you return what you've been wearing usually.

And then, but they always say I don't wash socks, dear. So if you get socks, you go home in those. And I must say, and this is a very perfect timing on my part, I've recently

really got into socks. Oh, yeah. And I'm not asking, Frank, because it's the last live show of the year, so it's too late to send me Christmas socks. I love a sock, Frank. I've always bought, I've never bought an individual pair in my life. I buy them in packs of 20 from JD.

Yeah, yeah. Often. Donny with the black fluff in them. Yeah, I've worn virgin flight socks. Oh, you haven't. I have. I just can't throw them away. So embarrassing.

But just lately, I've gone so crazy. I'll come back to this. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We're discussing your... That's my Santa's bell. I might crack into my Santa in a minute. Firing the disco, firing Santa's bell I might crack into my Santa in a minute Yeah Firing the disco

Firing Santa's bell Sorry I'm going cranium I think quality socks is the gateway to getting into socks I think if you've always worn rubbish socks Always, always worn rubbish And this is exactly what happened to me a few years ago I asked for some socks for Christmas

Because I was thinking If you ask someone for socks for Christmas because I was thinking, if you ask someone for socks for Christmas, they'll get you better socks than you would buy yourself. Well, of course. It's a great, it's what I call a life hack, actually, guys. Yeah, but it's traditionally an unpopular gift. Oh, not in my house.

No? I love it. Love, love, love it. That's what my brother-in-law gets, socks and pants every year. Well, we have a cleaner, and I've ended up with a lot of odds. Oh, have you? A lot of odds. Where did they go? That really does sound like stale standing. I was just going to say, come on, you're better than that. Is it just me?

Do you want a pen, Frank? You've got a new tour to write, haven't you? Oh, dear. I might have to retire. That might be it for me. Where do the lost socks go? I like that stuff. You actually just did material on lost socks. Better than the other stuff.

Better than the ballet link, innit? I mean, remember that? Everything's better than the ballet link. We can't use that as a justification. I think the ballet link was better than that. Yeah, actually. Because you weren't trying. At least it was originally bad.

Yeah, exactly. But what happens? I mean, where do they go? I still wear the odd ones sometimes. You don't do that. Why don't you see any baby pigeons? Cass is a big fan of odd socks. Frank, you haven't done your baby pigeon material?

Cass wears odd socks every day. White dog excrement. Fancy doing five on that. I've just eaten. Yeah, Kath's a massive fan of the odd socks. Just wear them. She wears odd gloves. No, that's weird.

No, she really does. She doesn't care. No, Kate doesn't care about matching. There's no symmetry in her life. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to text the show, we're on 8-12-15. And if you'd like to follow the show on Twitter, a bizarre idea, but there we are you can do that frank on the radio i say at frank on the radio or you can email the show remember those via the absolute radio website we've had communication from someone called greer who says as follows hello frank emily and. Last week you were discussing whether you'd ever been snubbed.

And I'm pretty sure I was snubbed by Frank himself. It was at the gig... It was at the gig that Gareth spoke about last week in Warwick, where Roy Keane was actually in the audience. Oh, yes. I met Frank after the show.

Do you want me to continue? Yeah, go on, carry on. I think nowadays those stories are a bit less stressful than they would have been. Yes, they don't involve crying women. No. And spoke to him about the fact I was doing a film studies degree at the university there. I then went to take a photo of him and a friend, but my camera decided not to focus. This is when Frank said the line, you're a film studies student but can't work a camera.

That was a reasonable, I mean I said it in a light hearted tone. As I now work in production. Do you know light hearted tone is that? That works in the sales department. He's not very serious about it though is he? No. He's devil make here. As I now work in production

I think the line would make an amusing Twitter bio. Merry Christmas to the three of you and the rest of the team. Greer. Or 666, which I'd rather not be a thing. Okay, fair enough. I think that I would bet any money that I still hung around and we got the photo right and I was nice to Greer. Yes, I would, actually.

You're lovely to your fans, Frank. That's me. Yeah, I'm not as close to them as I used to be. Why? Sometimes I was in, but no, I won't do that. But when they turn up with the Perkins 10x8s, Frank.

Yes, I know. They love a Perkins 10x8s. The Perkins 10x8s and the distressed carrier bag. You seem to prefer signing the Perkins 10x8s and the distressed carrier bag. Weird. So overuse. You seem to prefer signing the Perkins 10x8s than, I think, my first week on the show.

Yeah. A chap from the street, what my wife would call an outdoorsman, recognised you and insisted you would sign his arm. Would you be better off in a home? I did sign his arm, yeah. You did sign his arm, but the look of repulsion on your face was... Well, it's always hard body parts. Yeah.

I like chat from the streets. That's Mike Skinner. Yes, that's right. No, no, what did you... My wife calls them outdoors men. He's an outdoors man. I don't like that. It's a bit sexist, obviously, because there are some women. I'm sure she would say woman or people.

You know, she's modern okay what was we talking about socks i said there was um do you remember we were given socks you and i yes they come up didn't they commemorate a historic battle um i think they had something to do with history history yeah indeed they did they were... Some old battle socks. No thanks. That's right. Well, they celebrated a battle. Why would you celebrate a battle? It's very sad news. Yeah, well...

Good point. To the victor goes the spoils. Indeed. All right? I didn't like the all right at the end of that. I've always thought that say would be improved by an all right question mark at the end. So the victor gets the spoils.

All right. Got a problem with that? Well, no, you're the victor. Exactly. I am the victor, so shut it. That's where it should be. That's the full version. But of course, it's often used in its truncated form.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps And in London and the South East on 105.8 FM Absolute Radio We should really discuss what you like to call Star Wars

Oh yes, Star Wars Star Wars, that's it. Yeah, I was really... Well, one allows for the fact that stars do many things. Yeah. That stress makes sense. Star Wars, Star Orbits, Stardust. I didn't realise I was speaking to a scientist.

They've got a new film, haven't they? Yes. They didn't keep it to themselves. There's a new one out. And I read in the newspaper this morning, surprise credit at the end is the Chancellor of the UK. George Osborne gets a credit. Shut up.

Yeah. Why is that then? Because I think in financial terms... I think he plays Jabba the Hutt. Yeah. I think in financial terms... I think he plays Jabba the Hutt. Yeah. I think in financial terms he was extremely lenient. There's a tax break for people who make films in Britain and that's why they made a hit.

I know David Schneider was telling me about that the other day. He still hasn't texted in to tell us if he pays his tax. I think... What if he does? No, he definitely does. He definitely does. Of course he does. He's law-abiding.

I don't want to set the revenue on him accidentally. No. I mean, none of us do. There's some I would like to set the revenue on, but that will remain nameless. But, yeah, what about that? George Osborne, screen credit as well for the Star Wars. And the Daily Mail got very uppity about... They allowed Nelson's column to be lit up like a lightsaber.

Oh, yeah. They paid £24,000. 24 Gs. 24. Yeah, but it's quite a bargain, I thought. Well, yeah. How much did... Do you remember when Gail Porter's Bottom was on the Houses of Parliament?

Do I? How much was that? How much was Gail Porter's Bottom? I don't know. A friend of mine did that, genuinely. What was it for? A university friend of mine did that. I'll ask him.

Was it for Loaded Magazine or something like that? Was it? Yeah. It was for FHM. I think it was for the boy for the Loaded Generation. I don't think. I think it was an advert for wet wipes. It was FHM and you know what?

We will discuss this at the loaded reunion gig. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Lads. Okay. Is that a loaded reunion gig? No, sorry, new lads. Oh, yeah, the new lads reunion, when that gets acceptable.

Yeah. Yes, I mean, that was a bigger fuss. I thought it was a very, you know, if you're looking around for something to put a lightsaber on in London, it's an obvious choice. It's the one, isn't it? The answer's been staring them in the face. It doesn't make any difference.

No one is going to say, yeah, Lord Nelson, I think he was a very influential national hero, but since that lightsaber thing, gone off him. Although, having said that, conversely, a historian, they always wheel out a historian, don't they?

Yes. From a Camden townhouse. And they say this is a great way of getting young people interested in monuments. Agreed. Drawing attention. They haven't noticed Nelson's column. It's 52 metres high. Is it really? Yes, I knew that.

That's a fascinating fact that I found out through this, in fact. Can I say, I think describing the height of makes you a terrible person in meters oh undermines all these victories in many ways why much that's because he's metric he battled against the continentals and now we're measuring his column yeah i always go meters with columns. Sorry. But he's right, though. You should get interested in statues and history. Like, if they found a very tall person on a statue, they could put, like, fur on him and it could be...

What's his name? The Wookiee? Well, they could have done that. Yeah, Chewbacca. Chewie, what's his name? The Wookiee? I just had a memory slip on Chewbacca's name there. I mean, that's like some old nana.

What's his name? The Wookiee. It's a very common name. Darth was there in his cloak. I say Darth. It was an out-of-work actor, let's like some old nana. What's his name, the Wookiee? It's a very common name. Darth was there in his cloak. I say Darth, it was an out-of-work actor, let's be honest. Well, he wasn't out-of-work if he was there as Darth. It was one night. It wasn't Dave Prowse.

He's gutted, though, isn't he? I noticed he had a bit of a... That guy got 250 quid and a column made 24,000 in the same 24-hour period. Who gets that money? Nelson's estate. No. We get it. What what between us no and it is to be spent on um doing up the square is that right yeah oh i don't know if they use that language exactly it's not doing up the square'm a bit Danny Dyer. Did he actually go... Oh, that...

What, the column? Yeah. No. Oh, that's a pretty... Darth did that, though. I've never noticed this, Frank. Darth has a... How can I put this?

It's a sort of a codpiece. Yeah. Isn't it? What's that like? I didn't know he wore that. Why doesn't he just wear the leather trouser? Are you talking about... He's worried about a kick to the nether regions, isn't he?

Oh, okay. Who's going to do that? If you do that to Darth Vader, you better make it a good'un. Because the retribution will be outright... Are you talking about Darth Vader now, or Kylo Ren? No, I'm talking about Darth Vader. He's gone nerdy on us. He's gone nerdy.

Don't go nerdy. What is he... You know, he's... This is not... He's not in. I know, but he was at the premiere. He's no longer with us. I know, I understand that, but at the premiere they had a Darth character. Okay. Because obviously he's something of an icon with these people. Oh, yes.

These people love him. Well, I'll tell you what, the podcast figures are going to go through the roof when the nerds get hold of this chat, aren't they? I told you a mate of mine worked with a bloke called Darth Vader who changed his name through a beacon radio bloke in Wolverhampton Radio. They had a competition. If you change your name by deed poll, it was part of their promotion of the last Star Wars film. And this bloke joined it, did it, and he became Darth Vader. And my mate worked with him on Wolverhampton Council.

And they phoned up after the film had, you know, done and said, so, you know, we've got all this stuff ready to change it back. And he said, I'm all right with it, actually. Stick with it. I'm all right with it. And when my mate met him, he said, they said, oh, this is Darth. And he said, why do they call you Darth? He said, that's my name, Darth Vader.

And he showed him his driving licence and stuff, he said are you a massive Star Wars fan, he said not really kids like it brilliant, so I hope he was there as well, that would have been good Skinner Dean and Cochran

together, the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio. So, yes, Star Wars. Star Wars. Yeah. Yeah, so I got a mate who's really, really mega Star Wars fan. This isn't Darth Vader though, is it? It's another man. No, no. He's not. I don't know Darth Vader.

Does he have a girlfriend? I'm just wondering. Has he watched Doctor Who as well? He's I think he's currently single. Does he like Doctor Who? Not especially. We all have our specialities.

I mean, I really like Star Wars a lot. Yeah. But I don't regard myself as part of their fandom. He definitely knows loads about it. What do you call a Star Wars fan? Geek. This isn't a joke. This is just a genuine inquiry.

Yeah, so they're not joking. No. Text in if you know the answer. I hate the word Whovian, though. Oh, do you? Yeah. Anyway, so we arranged about three months ago that we would go and see Star Wars on the night it opened.

Lovely. And then we spoke a few weeks. He said, actually, I'm not going to do it at the night it opened. Can we do it on the weekend? So this Saturday or Sunday. I said, actually, I'm not going to be able to do it at the night open, can we do it on the weekend, you know, so this Saturday or Sunday? I said, yeah. I said, this is something, he's a massive fan. Yeah.

And, um... And, uh... Where have you gone? Yeah, so, um... I'm trying to work out how much I can tell. So, anyway, so he, we made this arrangement, so it's been ongoing. So it was all set up. And then I got a phone call on Wednesday from another mate who said,

I've got a couple of tickets for the, I've got a spare ticket for the BAFTA screening. Star Wars on Thursday. He said there's a Q&A with the cast and crew. When you say cast, who? Chewbacca? So, well, he didn't know, but I thought, I said, OK, I'll go. You didn't. So I just blew the other guy out.

I'm really upset with you. No, it's an absolute scandal. But I spoke to him. I very unlike you as well. You're not shallow. No, I'm not. Not at scandal. But I spoke to him. I very unlike you as well. You're not shallow. No, I'm not. Not at all. But, can I say, the guy I blew out, I spoke to him yesterday.

And he said, he said, hello, how come you didn't go? And I said, well, I got offered, you know. Something better came up. A crew and cast, Q and I. He said, oh, I'd have blown you out for that. A crew and cast Q&A. He said, oh, I'd have blown you out for that. Yeah. So it was fine. Oh, that's good.

Okay, well, if you can sleep tonight, that's good. I can sleep fine. I mean, at the end of the day, I watched Star Wars on Thursday night. It was absolutely awesome. I mean, 100% awesome. But you've seen it? Yeah. I have zero criticisms.

Really? Zero? Yeah. Imagine if they turned the sound off. You'd have loads. And at one point, after it finished, after the Gordon Brown, not the Gordon Brown, what's he called? George Osborne. Yeah, George Osborne. Gordon Brown was thanked as well, I think. He inspired one of the monsters.

We're all thanked. And I could see there was a bloke, an old guy looking over like this. You know, you get like the side walls in a cinema. I could see an old guy looking back over at the audience. And I thought, oh, that'll be, you know, some Osher bloke waiting to see if there's this Harrison Ford. Shut up.

Yeah. Just having a peep at the audience. No. Brilliant. So we did a Q&A afterwards. Harrison Ford. No. Daisy Ridley, who's the main star.

John Boyega, who's the other main star. You were so right to blow that guy up. Yeah, yeah, totally. There is no way I would have turned that down. What guy? J.A. Abrams was there. Yeah, yeah, totally. There is no way I would have turned that down. What guy? J.A. Abrams was there, the writer, the producer, it was absolutely...

I've totally changed my mind. And I've never been to one of these things, a Q&A. I've been to a few things at theatre, film. Harrison Ford! Harrison Ford was there. And there was a bit where the bloke said, why do you think your character has been so popular across this whole franchise?

Why has the arc of your character been so interesting? He said, when Harrison Ford said, what's an arc? And I thought, if anybody knows what an arc is, it's got to be Harrison Ford. He's the arc man, surely. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Yeah, so it was awesome. I blew out a close friend, a three-month date that we'd set up.

But, you know. No, I've revised my opinion of that. Me too. Now that I've heard the cast of characters. I mean, it's extraordinary. It was pretty amazing. And would you say Harrison Ford was one of the great pioneers of the American surname as a first name?

Yes, I would. Very much so. I mean, it's mainly done by American actresses now and then. Yeah. Skinner Frank, I don't know if you've seen her. It's beautiful. Lovely. Cochran Allen, as we said before, works perfectly.

I don't think he does. I think he does. Dean Emily plays First Sunderland. Yeah. No, I think he was... Wasn't he a close... Wasn't he at the Dublin High Church, Dean Emily? Yeah, I believe him.

I think he wrote a treatise on the government of the tongue. He's a controversial figure. He is in many ways. So, yeah, so it was... I mean, we don't really do... We do do film reviews on here occasionally. Yeah, but we give it, like, three bottles of beer or whatever. Do we?

Bottles of Pernod. That's what we did with our... How many bottles of Pernod, Frank? Oh, endless. Out of five. It was... I'll tell you what I did, even though I was at a BAFTA screening,

I was doing... Lovely venue, that, FYI. I did... I was doing quite a bit of... Oh, come on! In the... Getting into it. Oh, how embarrassing.

You just couldn't help it. Also, it's quite loud in parts. You feel you can shout. No wonder poor old Harrison was peeking his head through, thinking, who's that crazy old man? I don't think he could hear me. He's gone a bit... I actually heard that Harrison said,

I think you'd be better off in a home. I think he would if he'd only wanted arches. He's famously grumpy, isn't he would if he'd only wanted a hot kiss he's famously grumpy isn't he but I'll tell you what in a funny way in the Q&A he had that and he's got that kind of his eyes and the way his mouth has he had work done

no he doesn't need work I think he's still I quite like being the sort of slightly balmy old guy thing. And... I wonder who else thinks that. Yeah. Anyway, I've got to tell you, you know, it was, I was properly fanboy excited.

It was great. And sometimes when you're, you know, when you're Mr. Star Wars thing, you feel a bit guilty. Why? Because, you know, my first loyalty is to the Gallifreyan, always. Is that the Who thing? Oh, come on. Regional sci-fi. The Who. I saw, um, I bumped into Sylvester McCoy at a

recording studio. He was doing a... Worked with them all. He's met them all. Harrison Ford one minute, Sylvester McCoy the next. And he was, uh, he was recording a Doctor Who audio. Of course he was. We were chatting for a bit and he looked at his watch.

He said, I'm sorry, Frank, I must go. I have to go and save the universe. And he means it. That made me very happy. Frank, 830. Morning. Apparently a Star Wars fan can be a Star-woid. Star-woid?

Yeah, what do we think? That sounds like a puzzle in a New York newspaper. Star-woid. I'm going to try the Star-woid. OK, begins with D. That's how I see it. This could be the new... What's that thing that Carol Vorderman does?

Countdown. No, with numbers. She doesn't do it anymore. With numbers in the paper. Oh, the new... What's that thing that Carol Vorderman does? Countdown. No, with numbers. She doesn't do it anymore. With numbers in the paper. Oh, the big... What's it called? I don't read the Express. Sudoku.

Sudoku. God damn. Glad to be a help. Blood out of a stone. Blood out of a Lara Stone. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were discussing Star Wars just moments ago. So why do you say Star Wars?

I do, yeah, just like that. When you say you say, it's not just Alan as an individual. The entire population says Star Wars. Yeah, I mean, my team represents the population. But you're talking as if nothing else happens in the galaxy. In the Star World. Other than wars. Well, that's...

Star Peace could be another. I don't know if it's worthy of that level of analysis. I think that's a spin-off. It's just how you say it. I think everything is worthy of a certain amount of... And that's why I love you. That's why. The Star Peace films is a franchise waiting to be tapped into, isn't it?

Yeah, that'd be good. Anyway, there's another quirky little story that apparently... Oh, I like it when they go quirky on the radio. Apparently the Palatoy Factory, which is in the Midlands in Leicestershire... Action, man. Yeah, made lots of Star Wars merch, merchandise, figures, etc. And a load of them got dumped in a mystery landfill somewhere in

Leicester. So they think they might be... Ashby de la Zouche. Bless you. I'm trying to talk about this. Yeah, it's near Ashby de la Zouche. And there's loads of... because they're worth a bomb, some of these Star Wars figures.

Star Wars. Boba Fett, 18K. I think I... I think at some point in my childhood, I had a Boba Fett figure. Did you? And I think it's gone. Oh, you're very slimmed down now.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Good night. Paleo in it. What can I tell you? Did you have one of those in your childhood? I think we had a Boba Fett. I might be wrong. I might be just getting confused.

Those were your central reservation years, frankly. You might have woken up next to one. In my childhood, the only actor I could figure out was Bomber Harris. Oh, yeah. Or Stretch Adams. Whose parents showed tremendous foresight. We should go down there. What, Dresden?

No. It's all changed now. No, Ashby de la Zouge. Oh, okay. You could have a rummage around in the soil. Do you believe this story? Have a bit of a wurzel? Yeah.

Do you believe it? Do you believe this story? Do you think it's... Well, you told me, so I believe it. I just think it's Leicester trying to bump up the land prices or something. First of all, it was Richard III. Trying to get the gardens digged. A minute ago, it was Richard III in a car park.

Now it's, oh, we're all sitting on millions of pounds worth of Star Wars figures. You say that, we could be quids in. It's all happening in Leicester. They're all nestling in the soil up there. Top of the Premier League, Richard III, Star Wars landfill. What's happened to Leicester? Four years ago, all it had was pound shops. I might invest in property in Leicester.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Why not? Yeah, if you could get the... Presumably, there'll be an SW somewhere, because Richard III, there was a big R, if you remember, in the car park. Yes, that's right. I'm just...

Was there ever a point when Star Wars was... What's happened to you? You've changed the way you say it. Have I? You said Star Wars like normal people do. You know, when I said that I thought I had a sort of a moment. Maybe I've changed forever. Was there ever a point when Star Wars

was so unpopular that you'd just bury the toys? I don't think there was. They never lost their value. Doesn't it? But I like the idea of it. I couldn't, again, I have a certain merch loyalty. I was shopping in Toys R Us recently. Oh, yeah.

It's that time of the year. Why not? You've got all your needs in there. It's great, Toys R Us. Toys R Us, Toys R Us. And then I saw a couple of daleks including uh black dalek supreme from uh invasion of earth supreme hate that 70s dessert yeah you remember the black dog the one with the runny eyes baby baby where did our love go?

And I thought there was him and classic 60s silver Dalek, you know. And I thought... No, I don't know. Of course I don't know. Classic silver Dalek. And I thought, you know those pictures of Daleks going over Westminster Bridge and stuff. You must have seen those. Oh, yeah, I've seen those, yeah. Yeah, well, that kind of old-fashioned Dalek. Oh, God, first Nelson's Column, now Westminster Bridge.

Honestly, it's like a marvellous tour of the capital. Yeah. So, I thought, I'm getting these from me. Good for you. Do you buy stuff for yourself? That is when Christmas shopping goes bad. I bought for myself from Tizeros. I bet you pretended they were for yourself.

He'll love these. It's like when people with drink problems go into the off-line. Yeah, we thought we'd have four bottles of wine tonight. Well, I don't know if... I know that game. Remember me telling you, my birthday, I think it was last year or the year before, Kath bought me this Dalek set, and it had these flying platforms, hoverbouts I think they call them,

and she didn't buy me the attendant Daleks. So I just had this empty thing with this platform. Can I tell you, and you heard it here first, that platform is empty no more. Oh, good. There is a Dalek at the helm. Yeah, so I must admit, when I went up to bed... Boxing day at yours is going to be fun.

When I went up to bed last, because they're at the side of my bed, I went up to bed last night, I had a little surge of excitement on the way up the stairs that I was going to see them. Oh, that's nice. Oh, adjustable eye stalk. We've all got our own knee. Adjustable eye stalk.

That's the name of my new band. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I don't think you needed to be reading that. I think you know it deep down. But, hey, who am I? I had a week off last week. I lost a bit of confidence. Billy has texted us.

Billy? Yes, my gran worked at the toy bank. Can you tell him not to lost a bit of confidence. Billy has texted us. Billy? Yes, my gran worked at the Toymaker. Can you tell him not to be a hero? Okay. That's my advice. My gran worked at the Toymakers in Leicester and used to send us Star Wars figures in the 80s when I was a kid living in America.

Wow, what a great place to have a family member working. Brilliant. I know. I visited my uncle the other week and he told me they'd found a boxed new millennium falcon in grandad's attic. I was buzzing all night at the thought of getting my hands on a mint version

for my collection. About two hours later he said he was winding me up. Horrible uncle. I love the horrible uncle. Good for him. Did I ever tell you about my friend Conleth? One of his biggest fans he got a brilliant part of the producers in the West End

playing Debris and then on April 1st he got up in the morning and I said you have definitely got it's Don and Dosti he said yeah why just sit on the Radio Island Alan Common's doing it. You didn't say that.

And I left him for about two hours. Thanks. He told me after he was dying inside, he was trying to look calm about it. That's a good... Couldn't get his agent to say... You're all practical jokes. That's up there with when you said to your mother and all

that the toilet was broken. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a nice surprise, because I gave her the gift of the toilet not being broken. And then you said the car had been stolen. Yeah. Just as I gave him the gift of still having that pot. It's like if someone says to me,

what's the time I always had an hour on, and then I tell them the truth, I've given them an extra hour on their life. That's nice of you. OK, moving on. Nice guy. Oh, we need to talk about the spaceman, because there were some space happenings this week.

I wish I was a spaceman. Do you? The fastest guy alive, I'd fly you round the universe. I'm not going to lie, I had a feeling he was going to break into song when I said, do you, there. Major Tim Peake. Yes. He became the first British astronaut to, what was it,

board the International Space Station. I don't know what that means, but I love it. Yeah, he's the first funded, publicly funded type guy. Professional. They said professional. He's a full-time professional. All the other astronauts that have been British have been kind of part-timers. Is that right?

Like rugby league. It's an odd part-time job, isn't it? Because how do you get back? Six years training. I mean, come on. I'll just do three days a week on the International Space Station. The rest of the time I'm on the bar in my local club. As long as we've been doing this radio show, he's been training.

I mean, come on. It's ridiculous. Nothing requires that level of training. He sent a tweet. He thanked what I like to think is his equivalent of the police. He said, thanks to Yuri. Couldn't have done it without him. They're all called Yuri, aren't they?

He didn't mean Gagarin. No, he didn't. He meant his colleague Yuri. Yuri Gagarin keeps getting a mention, doesn't he? Well, in space. He's the governor up there. If you read about ostriches, Bernie Cliff, Bernie Cliff and all this. All this crops up.

Yeah, I mean, I see now. Central Reservations, Frank Skinner. One thing I like about Tim Peake is that he sounds a bit like Twin Peaks. Well, yes. Which is one of my favourite shows of all time. He's perfect for headline writers, isn't he? Because he's nearly Twin Peaks,

and also you've got ground control to Major Tim. Oh, there's so much going on. And also, of course, come on, Tim! Exactly. The Wimbledon element. So close to so many things. Elton John tweeted him. No, I didn't like this.

If you've been a tennis player, if he's a tennis player, you couldn't call it Peak Hill. It just doesn't make any sense. No. Because a peak is... Tim Hill. Sorry, Elton John. From one Rocket a peak is... Tim Hill. No. Sorry, Elton John, from one Rocket Man to another.

I don't know. Well, what do you think of that, Al? Big yourself up, Elton. You've just sang a few songs. He's been in training for four years. How good's your science, Elton? Kind of... When you say cold as hell, Elton, I'm not sure you've read the theology.

What you need is a Bible and a thermometer. Not a Versace jacket, which I know is one of your priorities. Or a white shell suit. You're of no preference. What did you say? I was just saying Out and John there, ladies and gentlemen Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio You're wrong, anyway Into having an off-air chat about someone Yes Frank, I'm not going to say who it is, but Frank is suggesting someone is deceased. He's very much alive.

Oh. I've checked. OK. You know you can get that with celebrities. Yeah. I'm absolutely convinced. I thought I remembered him going. No, he's still alive. Well, that's great news.

A lovely Christmas present. I didn't expect it. I mean, if you want to text in your guesses as to who this celebrity is... I'll be honest with you. It was Eric... No! It's Eric Hall, the ex...

I'm pretty convinced he's alive. If you know different... No, you just told me he's definitely alive. Well, I know, but you don't always believe me. Oh, God, don't take him away. I've just given him me back, and you've taken him away again. It's like you with an hour, isn't it? Oh, God, it's like a Bonji bereavement.

He's actually, he's got his own radio show, I believe. Well, I'm just so happy he's alive if I don't care what he's doing. Well, obviously, I don't want him to do anything naughty. No. Anyway, Major Tim Peake. Where were we? Major Tim. Oh, the night before the trip.

Mm-hmm. Steady. He, because, well, this is a pretty big night, isn't it? What are you going to do? You're last night literally, literally on Earth, Frank Oh yeah He watched a film Well, it's not his night, he's coming back That's hope, Godspeed

And he watched a film Eric Hall's back on From the other world I mean, I fancy his chances of coming back from the ISS. He watched a film and he had a massage. Now, I find the massage aspect a little bit sleazy. I don't like him. I hate massages.

Legend! I just think legend. What was the film? What would you watch the night before going to space? The Martian. I'd go Michael Owen Seabiscuit. Why not? My favourite film's The Bodyguard.

I'd always watch that. No, it is. People don't believe me, it is. Frank's looking at me with contempt. Why not one of the Star Wars? I was waiting for the punchline. I thought, it means it. The other thing I read is that they played music as they left.

An old Russian song about a cosmonaut pining for home. Yes, now I'd like to hear that song. That's not already your ringtone, to be honest. Frank is going to come up with his own version of that. I reckon you can tell us how that goes, Frank. Well, it goes a bit like this. Oh, I miss Earth. It is so bleak up here.

I mean, even compared to Moscow. And we were a little bit... So, yes, that was a little bit of it there. It's spoken. It's like Telly Savalas' version of if a picture paints a thousand words. Now, I would love to hear the original of that song. If anyone's got access to it,

please send it to the show. Well, Tim Peake might be listening. They've probably got, you know, internet radio up there. Why don't they all get our podcast up there? What about he got a telegram from the Duke of Edinburgh and the Queen? Did he? Yeah.

That's nice, isn't it? Which said, we are pleased to transmit our best wishes to Major Timothy Peake. So, of course, everybody calls him Tim Peake. They have to give him his military thing, of course, because they're so utterly obsessed with the military. And they have to call him Timothy. I'm ready and I said out loud to myself hoity toity.

Also it ruins the Twin Peaks joke. Yes. They don't care enough about jokes. No, they just steamroller some real good gangs. They tread in everything. But if I lived with the royal family, if that was just by some strange freak accident...

We'll go with it. How often a day in the day would I say, Hi-ti, hi-ti, at one of them? I mean, Major Timothy Peake. Oh, Shut up. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

I don't know if I've seen a clip that was erroneous, but I saw... Erroneous bosh. I saw that, um, whilst he's up in the, uh, ISS, the, the space station, that a lot of his day-to-day duties will be involving

maintaining the space station, like fixing stuff. Is that right? Is that what he's going up there? I mean, I know he's got some... Essentially Bob the Builder. He's got some science tasks, but is he really going up there as, like, a long-d distance janitor? Well I suppose so. They have to maintain. That makes me feel...

But they're just doing experiments all day is what they're doing. It's not as exciting as it sounds. If he's doing like handyman stuff in space and I don't do any on Earth that makes me feel really useless. Yes but I'd do a lot more if I could just release the hammer and it'd stay there.

You know, you could put a pitcher up. You've got time to knock the nail in before the pitcher falls down. Six months. Or falls up. He's running the London Marathon, isn't he? Oh, yeah. Well, when's he going to have a fine time to do that? Exactly the time that the London Marathon is on.

He's going to run the same distance on a treadmill. He's not. He is. But given that he's in space, presumably he'll be able to have the treadmill spinning whilst he does giant steps, you know, floating. And he's got... He'll probably do the marathon in about ten strides, won't he?

Remember the thing, yeah, exactly. Remember the thing we were talking about? Yeah, he needn't wear trainers. He can run like a foot above the... Does he need a treadmill? He can just run above the carpet. Totally. Why don't we watch films in space? Yeah, he's going to watch Star Wars. That'd be a bit depressing.

Hang on. How's he going to get access to that? I'll just send him up with a... A pirate copy. Has he got it on VHS Pirate? He got it from some bloke in Camden. I mean, not all the special effects are finished on it. And you see three men's

heads silhouetted in front of you the whole time, Frank. That is good. I'm alright with that. Frank, strange traditions. The other strange traditions. Did you read about this? Oh, yeah. One is that they go and they visit Yuri Gagarin's office. Gagarin?

Gagarin, you said. Gagarin. Gagarin, sorry. And then they sign the hotel door. Oh, yeah. And then they do something which is revolting. Yes, they... They urinate.

They urinate. On the left wheel of the bus. Urinate is the other Russian guy who works on it. Yeah, on the back... They do that passenger that back wheel, that passenger side back wheel thing that cab drivers

can do. Yeah, and they get a smack on the bum from their chief designer. Yeah, well, you know, it's lonely up there. Got to get them used to it.

Treasure that memory. Didn't we all when we were starting off in journalism? That's the ramp, that's the ramp to full-on man-on-man love

in space. But, you know, just layering up the new experiences. Tim, Tim, Timbo. Major Timothy Peake. Major Timothy Peake, yeah. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I know, you know, we were talking about Buzz Aldrin the other week

and anyone who's ever had any involvement with space at all has to wear at least four badges on their jackets. I noticed he was heavily badged up, Tim Peake, on his way to the space. He has got one

badge that was designed in a Blue Peter competition that's an extra one that's on his gear. I mean, I've always thought anyone who wears more than three badges is one of the troubled people. Yeah. Better off in a home. Outdoorsman. But

astronauts, they seem to be an exception. They love a so-on. What we used to call a splash patch. They love one of those. Farming. Yeah, but, you know, good on him. It's exciting and I shall be watching his experiments. It's something to boast about.

It's quite a thing to say that's how you started the year. Yeah. Wouldn't you say? Yeah, I find it humbling, actually. What have you done in 2015? 2015 hasn't been a write-off for me. Go on then, what have you done? Well, you know, I've not gone to space, but I have broken in some very stiff denim jeans. Well done. You know, that's not bad, is it? Anything else? No, nothing else. Not a single thing. Oh. No, I can't even remember... You're like the denim whisperer.

I don't think I've even replied to an email. That's as much as I've done is just broken in these jeans. I've bought a Benz. I learnt to ride a horse and I've been in two cockpits. All right. You've given it the big I am. That's pretty good for a year. Two cockpits.

Yeah, none of your business. OK. Thanks, Skinner. What have you done this year? Well, I was inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. Yeah, none of your business. Thanks, Skinner. What have you done this year? Well, I was inducted into the Radio Hall of Fame. Oh, yeah. That's a big one. Yeah.

But I'll tell you something about that. Can I tell you the aftermath of that? Oh, go on. I don't know if you remember, but on the day, as well as my sort of award. Yeah. When I say award, I mean framed picture. Mm-hmm.

I was given a DAB radio. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Lovely. I was very pleased with the DAB radio. Lovely. Yeah. So I come to set it up the other day, and there's like, it's supposed to have like a thing to charge the battery with it. No battery, no charger. Useless.

You know, they gave it me out the box. That's Birmingham for you. What am I supposed to do? Contact the Radio Academy and say, I believe you've got my lead. Who gave it to you? Adrian Childs? He handed it over. He handed it over. He wouldn't have unboxed it.

When you say that. He must have been given it. So, yeah, so I've just got this radio with half the things missing. Is there not a cable in your house that also fits the same thing? You should have a little rummage in the cables drawer. Have you got a cables drawer? Have a worzel. Have you got a cables drawer?

We've got a cables- I've got a cables wicker basket. Good. Have a look in there. I like to balance the old with the new. Play a flute and maybe just the appropriate cable will come up like a snake. Oh, that'd be lovely. Oh, that'd be great.

So you could do that if you was on the International Space Station. That would be great. But no, what could I do? Dear Radio Academy, you know that radio. But no, what can I do? Dear Radio Academy, you know that radio? I mean, I can't. Well, it just sounds a bit cheap, doesn't it? It does sound cheap, but, you know, it's under...

Oh, it's bad enough there wasn't a proper award. They're giving me a radio without the battery. Yeah. Honestly, in the end, it's like receiving some sort of honour out of a skip. Have you checked that it's not like a biscuit? It's going to be a broken office chair and a keyboard, an unconnected keyboard.

The M doesn't work. And some plasterboard. I mean, what am I going to do with that? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, what else? Oh, you've been away, Em. I have. I popped over to Miami this week. For some winter sun.

I love a winter sun break. You can get winter sun here. You can. It actually makes driving quite hazardous. I know. Oh, yes. Motoring correspondent. That was another one of my great achievements in 2015, was parking directly outside the Albert Hall for the Charles Asner 4K.

Oh, you did? I mean, right outside the door. You've got great parking. So it's lovely in Miami. I was once on the beach there with Mark Foster, the swimmer, at 1.30am. Didn't you go there with Adrian Charles? I went there with Adrian Charles, but I upgraded. Funnily enough, so did I, and that's what I love about BA.

Yeah. No, I went into the cockpit. That was my second cockpit visit. I love a cockpit foray. Because the hats are hung up, and what I like is, when you put the hat on and you've got the long hair, the uniformed hat, you look very 70s glamour model, don't you? Yeah, do you not think a stripper gram turned up if they turn yeah there's an element

how dare you i uh i took so many selfies i was taking selfies right against the window fantastic so many i'll show there's about 17 i think with pilot without pilots so many without pilot. So many. Without pilot? What, they stepped out for a second? Yeah. And then what's the second in command called? What's what called? The second in command. The co-pilot? No, no, it's called something else. Anyway, text in if you're a pilot.

Text in anyway if you're a pilot, because I love them. But, yeah, he actually, the pilot had to say, he had to make excuses and leave. He had to say, well, I've got to get on now. He had to fly the plane, of course he had to get on. I wouldn't leave, though. Anyway, they've got in these planes a bit of a Hollywood staircase. I love the old school staircases on the plane.

OK. I thought you meant there was no carpet. Lovely flight. Then I arrived in the hotel stayed in the hotel which the creative consultant for this hotel is baz lerman you know the film director oh baz lerman throw me on juliet exactly and roulin rouge as lerman's sunscreen i hate roulin rouge you hate it One of my worst films ever. Oh, thanks for harshing my mellow. Sorry.

This is a lovely hotel. It's called La Faina. There is... The pool changes colour. Purple, pink, all sorts going on. There used to be rumours about that when I was at school. What's that? That if you peed in the pool, it was full of dye.

This isn't that sort of hotel. This is the future come true. It's like CDs. I've heard of that. No one was urinating in the pool. Or any other Russian astronaut. You don't know that for certain. Well, I hope not.

I mean, there are a lot of elderly people out there, but I don't think that was happening. But there was hardly any people staying there because it was an early stay I was getting. So it was like The Shining. There were six of us. And can I tell you, any more than six now in a hotel is too many for me.

The levels of attention I got, I had a sun-creamed man. I had... Baz Luhrmann, sun-creamed man. Of course. He comes over... Did he give you advice? Did you have a balcony with a man standing underneath?

And an old nurse-y. Old nurse-y be there. Frank, he comes over and he offers you the sunscreen. Surely he has to say sunscreen, isn't that the song? No, he doesn't. And then I had a foot waterer. He comes over to you on the beach with a red watering can and he says, refresh.

And then he pours it all over your face. Almost certainly unofficial. Do you think that's just... In fact, he'd be better off without... Anyway. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, anyway, when I was in Miami... Yeah, good story.

I was ordering... There was a bit of an incident well there were two incidents i'm going to tell you about the first one was when i got my drinks and someone actually came over i ordered these special coconut health drinks which resulted and there was a bit of a delay on them in a man actually coming over and saying i'm so madam, apologies for the hold-up with your coconuts. Actually said that. Tremendous work by him. Yes, when I tweeted that, David Baddiel said,

thank God Skinner's not there, hashtag two hours of material. There you go. I'm about to disprove that. Anyway, there was another incident, Frank, which I think you all relate to. Something of an awkward character, socially. I was told they were still doing the hotel, which I think you all relate to. Did this one... It's not even awkward character socially. I was told they were still doing the hotel up, and I was being given a tour, like at Middleton,

and as I walked round, the lady, the PR lady said, oh, just make sure not to step in that. There was a gentleman there with a moustache, large moustache. He was... How big was his moustache that you were warned not to step in it? Was he a full-match? He was a bit strong, man. He was sort of Mexican was his moustache that you were warned not to step in it? Was he a full-match? He was a bit strong, man. He was sort of Mexican. Oh, OK.

So they said, please don't step in it, whatever you do. What was the it? It was a concrete patch. Oh, OK. I stepped in it. No. Why did I do that? It was like physical Tourette's.

I don't know. Wet concrete? Yes. I put my foot in it. I thought he'd be fine. He went, oh, God. Yeah. He actually was furious with me.

So everyone started saying, oh, why did you do that? I don't know why I did it, Frank. And then I got even angrier. That's weird. I know. Dogs do it, I've noticed. On our road, there's about nine pieces of concrete that have got dog footprints on them. They can't stay away from a bit of wet concrete.

I kept... It's their very Hollywood walk of fame, the local dogs. I was going to say, did you just bend down and... Well, that's my version. That's my Grauman's. Did you just sign it? It's out there in a fine hotel in Miami. No, I kept apologising and I said, I'm so sorry. And he went, oh no. Oh God. He wouldn't have it. I don't like his

jib. And then I walked over and I over i said well i might step in it again because i got passive aggressive oh dear i know it wasn't very good even it up no i did have a lovely time though i did i enjoyed it immensely so shame that guy lost his job yeah well he shouldn't have responded negatively to emily's crow Yeah, well, it sounds brilliant, though. It was, Frank. I love it. And my advice is, if you're going to stay in a hotel, make sure there's no more than six people there. I went to Tutankhamen in...

How is he? Hampshire. He's all right. He's never really got over being sacked from the England job. That was very nice indeed. I went to Peppa Pig World. Did you? Brilliant. He's all right. He's never really got over being sacked from the England job. Oh. That was very nice indeed. I went to Peppa Pig World. Did you? Brilliant.

Someone's phone's going off. Someone's phone's going. That must be time to go. Well, look... Frank, this is our last show of the year that we're doing live. Can I say that we do have... The next show is our greatest hit show, so in theory, funnier than this. So don't give up.

I really enjoyed the last greatest... I hate it when you criticise our show while we're in the middle of than this, so don't give up. I really enjoyed the last British Best Of. I hate it when you criticise our show while we're in the middle of it. I'm not criticising it, I'm saying that the very nature of a best hits is that you don't get, you know, any ballet links. Never say never, it might be in there. Ballet gate.

It might be put in there as a sort of double bluff. The floor is a very popular ballet move. I don't know if you're familiar with it. Yes, so Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Merry Christmas. When are we back live, Daisy? 9th January.

9th of January. Don't say it like it's some sort of adult phone line. I'm waiting for your call on the 9th of January. Exactly. Come on, guys, why don't you call? Who is this? Yes, so there's only one possible way to end this, I think. Cheese, then.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.