The Frank Skinner Show - Chicken Squash

Episode Date: November 6, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had an unusual drink at a coffee shop and a Reader has used a 'Frankism'. The team also discuss Jose's beef with Conte, fingerless gloves and what shape commercial lard comes in.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the absoluteradio.co.uk. You know what? One of my things that really make me laugh out loud is when you hear someone on the telly or the radio give out their address, and they say, like,

HTTP double slash. Oh, yeah. No one's ever... Who uses that bit? No one uses that bit. That bit is gone. Right. No, it's gone.

Yeah, don't bring that up, even. I don't even want to think about it. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the inside of a sausage, really, and people aren't interested in it. They don't want to think about it. Yeah, and also, it's like the inside of a sausage really and people aren't interested in it they don't want to think about it yeah

and also it's like sort of packaging and what they call it packing and packaging what's the term yeah postage and packaging

and the C's and C's but you're a fan of the C's and C's Frank but not the I-H-T-T C's I don't even know

what's it stand for in fact Maxine Cosford has got in touch to say, I know Frank likes T and C's. Would he like to do the T's and C's on Strictly on a Saturday night? I'm sure if he put himself out there, that's a bit embarrassing, I'm sure if he put himself out there, they would invite him onto the show. Aved, Rita, Maxine? Yeah, I think I'd turn down show. Averd, Reader, Maxime?

Yeah, I think I turned down the tea season. Well, I did turn down the tea season, Strictly, once. And they're a very unforgiving Strictly group. Oh. Yeah, they're like a sultan of old. Once you offend them, you really need to go into exile and flee the country. Oh, is it a bit Sicilian music suddenly starting? Yeah, exactly.

Well, allow me. It's probably their... Go on. Sorry, Al. Their unforgiving nature might come from the fact that they read the word strict so often in their daily lives. That's a good point. And also they have tremendous power because. That's a good point. And also, they have tremendous power

because they are like a TV institution. Can we just... You know it's called... I love Strictly, by the way, as a viewer. I do. Was it called the hybrid name? I've never been quite sold on the name. I'm not going to lie.

What's Strictly Come Dancing? Well, it comes from... It's a composite. It's a portmanteau. It's a portmanteau, but does it work? Well, it does if you're old enough like me to remember Come Dancing, which was a very popular TV show. I still don't...

You are not old enough. Oh, this is why I don't... Don't let anyone tell you any different, Emma. But it still doesn't quite... Just in sense terms, I have issues with it. You can't just take one film, add it to a TV show. It's not enough for me.

It's got to work on various levels. But, you know, they seem to be doing alright. I love the show. Is Buzz still enjoying it, by the way? Yeah. It's, you know, it's a joyous experience with some nastiness, which I think is what people want. It's what you want, with some nastiness, which I think is what people want.

It's what you want, you know, in life. So, yeah, that's pretty good. Oh, speaking of joyous experiences, I've got to tell you, I went to... I think I can say that. I went to Costa this week. Oh, Alan Partridge. And I had a room...

What does that mean? Because it's the sort of place he'd go, I'm afraid. He wouldn't go for Starbucks, I don't think. You're not one of these people who does accidentally Partridge, are you? No. I like the... Anyway, so I had a Ruby Chocolate Frostino. You ever had one of those?

No. Yeah, it's pink whipped ice cream with a cream topping. And what tasted and looked like, I'd say, wood shavings from an enchanted fairy tree. Oh, lovely. Sort of pink, hard, hard, but with a sort of magical content i can't imagine it's good for you but it really i felt afterwards like i could leap a mountain um i'm not by the way before my manager asks i'm not being paid any money by costa for push I just wanted to share that experience Speak for yourself, I'm raking it in I have

terrible memories of sitting in a Costa waiting for an ex-girlfriend to phone me about the results of a medical test and that has somewhat poisoned the Costa experience for me forever The news was good, let's end

on that high Goodness me Forever. But the news was good. Let's end on that high. Goodness me. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we come to... Let me see what I've got here. Here we go. You remember this baby? Outside world, outside world.

Oh, the outside world. Yes. Now, speaking of the outside world, last week I had a letter from someone. Here it is. Hi, Frank. I'm slightly worried about people who begin letters, hi. Like, I'm not a cast member of Glee.

Anyway, it's a nice letter. It's a nice letter. They haven't signed it remember I read this last week because they signed it you're a listener and it says not my thing brought in a job lot thought you might like it and I was asking you to guess what it was

oh yeah I'm going to put you out your misery oh thank god for that it's a oh thank god for that it's a george form b78 of it's a grand and healthy life okay very and you're quite right it is my sort of thing i like to hank that's what i like e but it's a grand and healthy life there aren't enough song lyrics now that include the word e in them e man it's a great go back to the 90s for that i think yeah but that was a hold if this was the e

of more innocent times yeah let's call it the lancashire as opposed to the sort of the shaman e yeah you want to get the shaman going e eh, but it's a grand and healthy life. They couldn't sell it on health grounds. Yeah, but you know what? I so wish you had had the shaman doing that. Mr C, singing George Formby, come on. I like to rave, that's what I crave. Oh, but it's a grand...

No, eh, not oh. Here's my question. Have you got a record player that will play this 78 that you've received? Well, I've got a record player, but I'll be straight with you. I haven't clocked its speed options for a while. Don't know what gears it's got. No, it used to be the old 45, 33, 78, didn't it? Yeah.

What about George Formby singing, He's a good, george formby singing uh he's a good he's ebony he's a good oh i love that i think that would have still worked imagine the solo it would have raised us up anyway well now that we're in the outside world it's a bit chilly this morning but brighter than usual um have we heard outhouse? We have Lee Keating. I don't know if he's any relation to Ronan. Do you know, I've always had quite a crush on Ronan. Really? Yeah,

since quite a young age. Is he still in this building out of interest? Well, he still hosts the Breakfast Show on Magic. Frank, Emily and Alan. As a regular reader to the show, I was delighted in the week to be able to perform a Frankism.

Oh. What do you think you did, Frank? Shall we find out? I don't know, but I'm worried about the debris that's been left behind. Carry on. Come on. I want to know. Calm down. He's on tenterhooks. I want to know. Calm down. He's on tenterhooks.

You calm down too. When minding my own business on a bike ride in the week, I saw a man walking towards me in a full black leather trench coat. Oh, I know what's coming. I instantly thought of Frank and in a full voice exclaimed... No, Matrix! The puzzled expression on the man's face only added to me laughing out loud. I cannot wait to see him again soon.

He was also, FYI, wearing a Batman-style utility belt. What, over? No, it must have been under the... Yes, it's a safer thing to do on a bike than on foot. The trouble is it became, to me, like a sort of nervous tick thing that I felt I had... If I hadn't done it, there'd something go wrong with my day, or, you know, like an obsessive thing,

and that's not good, because some people who wear those coats are dangerous individuals Don't forget this week's texting what percentage of the United Kingdom's population could be fairly described as not very nice

We've had some more outside world stuff, haven't we? I'd be happy to answer that if I knew what the action that was being taken after it was. Well, I'm not... We'll see. I mean, I think you have to operate on results rather than speculate ahead at this point. Oh, right. John Hopkins, who...

Hopkin. As you know, is... I mean, one shouldn't have favourites. There's a lot of things one shouldn't do. And yet one still does. I'll stop saying one, actually. John Hopkins, who I love because he's so funny, but also he has mediocre father in his Twitter bio.

And that's my kind of person. John Hopkins says having lived in Lancashire for the last 25 years, I once worked with a chap who was once stood behind George Formby at the local fishmonger and clearly heard him ask

E, got any salmon? E, got any salmon? I would love to yes, we did a thing about unusual claims to fame on here Garnie Salmon. Hey, Garnie Salmon. I would love to, yes. We did a thing about unusual claims to fame on here once. That's pretty good, isn't it? One behind George Formby.

In an ideal world, it would have been two places behind. Just that thing of not being quite close enough to touch. But yeah, I think George Formby was pretty much the same on as off. I think it's fair to say. I like the contrarian streak that he's got, that he asked for salmon in a fish and chip shop. That's a very... No, a fishmonger, wasn't he?

Oh, a fishmonger. Yeah, it's a whole different world, the fishmonger. Yeah, that's a perfectly normal place to ask for salmon. Indeed. So, who, what, when? world the fishmonger yeah that's perfectly normal place to ask for some deed so what what who what when well we're now going to hear from harry in brooklyn wow no way oh yes wow brooklyn hi team frank may be too modest or factually inaccurate. It started so well. Both possible. I didn't know it was going to be multiple choice. When he says he only does one American accent, Wild West old-timer, he...

Well, you sure caused some trouble tonight, Sheriff. Yeah. He actually does two. Do I? The second being Telly Savalas, who is from Garden City, New York. Yeah, do I do Telly Savalas? Not intentionally. No.

There's a lot you don't do intentionally. No. You do a sort of... It's a picture, paints a thousand words. Do you remember that? There was a string of... Kojak, which was Telly Savalas' big TV hit, was so popular that he did a series of songs to cash in.

But what he did was well-known hits of the time. He couldn't sing, so he spoke them. So he'd say, If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you? in the background we're going it would be women going it was I mean the most cynical spin-off thing ever I think he went to number one well I think you've just proved the notion that you don't do telly to Palace. Exactly. It's all talk, Mr. Alms.

Frank, can we just finish up Harry and Brooklyn? Oh, sure. Praise with health, he says, very old AOB, that's any other business, but a dozen shows ago Emily claimed motion sickness was made up. I still stand by that statement. It's actually related to a problem with the inner ear,

sorry, equilibrium, and is very real. I speak from non-breakfast radio-related experience. Take care. Harry in Brooklyn, you sound what? Someone who my father would have referred to as both a scholar and a gent. I still don't believe in motion sickness, though, I'm afraid. You're a witness, Frank Skinner.

Well, I've had motion sickness at the Trocadero Entertainment Centre at Piccadilly Circus. And I went to see some sort of simulated... I was sitting in a chair and on the screen... You must be aware of this effects thing. You're sitting in a sort of runaway coal-moving vehicle on a rickety old line in a gold mine or something. And I got motion sickness just sitting in my chair watching that.

So I'm not good on it. I hope Emily's boldness about this doesn't come back to haunt her like when I said on this show years ago that I didn't believe in average speed cameras, that I thought they were just propaganda. Yeah, we probably all learned propaganda. You've had your own fainting? Yeah I don't believe that fainting is actually I believe it's still optional right up to the eleventh hour of fainting. May I just say that I was then promptly

speed camera'd by an average speed camera. Yeah well it is you know pride comes before a fall. I just find it suspicious that the motion sickness sufferers close quotes they always seem to improve dramatically when they get the prime seat in the front yeah well suddenly they're fine again i think we both got this problem emily that we just if people aren't like us we can't believe you 100 like emily was telling me she loves hot weather this morning. And I don't believe that anyone loves hot weather. And I believe that people who say I love hot weather

are trying to suggest they have carnival in their soul. I know you do. And I own up to the fact that my soul is darkly North European. We've put the central heating on this week. That's always a moment, isn't it? I'm very grumpy about it. That dust that's been sitting there waiting to get baked. What do you mean? I never turned it off.

Oh, no. That's true. There's a thing that I can do with central heating. That is that bleeding the radiators. And it's the only man thing I really do. And I'm quite pleased with it. Yeah. That bit, the smell.

Oh, the hiss. I'm getting high on the hiss. There's a smell that reminds me of when I worked in heavy industry that comes out of a radiator. What do you hold? Do you use a little jug maybe to catch the contents? No, I grab the towel off the rack and hold that

next to the key. Controversial. I really feel like I missed a practical for about 20 seconds. And that smell, it takes me back to arriving with my sandwiches in wax-proof paper for a six o'clock shift. And it's always good to be reminded of those jobs. Very good for the soul.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Hey, listen, I had a bit of I had an innovation moment this week our dog was a bit ill so I went to a veterinarian

and they said they said she needs to drink plenty of water, is she drinking enough water, I said I don't know if she's drinking that much and she said look what I'm going to give you They said she needs to drink plenty of water. Is she drinking enough water? I said, well, I don't know if she's drinking that much. And she said, look, what I'm going to give you is this chicken flavouring that you put in the water and it makes them drink more. I'm calling it chicken squash.

Nice. Right. And then I saw... You're really thirsty. Right. And then I saw... This is going to be really thirsty. Yeah. It's not meant to work on me. I don't fancy chicken squash. Imagine getting the bottle and there's a picture of a chicken on it.

And obviously it's quite beige when it's added to water. You know, chickens are quite beige. So it's a beige thing. I'd love it if one of the tennis players ordered that. Oh, that would be great. Imagine them with a bottle of the old chicken squash. Then I thought to myself, you know, if this had happened to me

when I lived in Birmingham, I would have done the same joke, but I would have said chicken cordial. And what happened, when did we stop calling concentrated drink that you added water to cordial and start calling it squash? I don't think that word squash was around when I was a kid. You'd get orange cordial and you'd get lime cordial or whatever it was.

So anyway, we'll call it chicken squash stroke cordial. And then it reminded me of, do you remember Geri Hall, the former, would you call her a supermodel? Oh, very much so, Texas supermodel. Advertised beef extract. Did she? Yeah, she did the Bovril campaign. We're not being paid for that.

And I always liked the idea of beef extracts yeah it was it was like something taken from sort of beef's soul it's like it's taken yeah someone is removed yeah i'm drinking the inner life of beef oh man yeah i've i've seen into the dark bovine labyrinthine caverns of beef consciousness, and it actually tastes quite nice. So, yeah, I just bring it. Did you taste the chicken squash? I would have given it a little go. No, I didn't.

I would have given it a go. No, because if you think about the sort of stories you hear about what goes into any process, like sausages or chicken sausages or whatever, imagine how far down the throwing away stuff the chicken squash chicken bits are. Do you sometimes... I made the mistake of heating up a meal for my dog

and I'm afraid he won't go back now he demands hot food at all times Oh no Our rule is no human food What about the dog? Well I'm afraid that has to be the scraps Oh I loved it when I had dogs that lived on scraps

It's so convenient. We're recycling in its very earliest form. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Diggs. I've got a new thing this week because we've got a new email address.

I've got a new sheet of A4. A lot of people would have learned this after 11 years. Not Frank. This is Frank's Cure on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show

on frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk. I enjoyed when you said not Frank and then said this is Frank Skinners if you were reminding yourself. Ah, yes. You're going for the third person and the reminder. Yeah. It's all part of the future for me, let's face it. Shall we go to some of our loyal readers?

Yes. Well, you've lit up the switchboard, haven't you, Emily Dean, with your not believing in motion sickness? I love it. Go on then, Al. Well, 579 has said, and I think she's on your side in many ways, Good morning, team.

I can confirm that motion sickness is a real thing. Only ever experience when my husband is driving my Mini Cooper round corners like a wannabe rally driver. And that's from Eve. I feel that I haven't heard a woman describe her husband's driving as wannabe rally driver since the 70s. Yes. How wonderful. Is that rally driving the big rally

driving story was that the late Jimmy Greaves the great goal scorer he resigned when he packed

up football he did rally driving did he for a bit who knew and yeah it was

it used to be like a super cool thing and there always used to be like a super cool thing. And there always used to be like the driver and then there'd be a bloke with like a big A to Z. I suppose the second person now has been replaced by some sort of rally sat-nav. Yeah.

So there's any rallyers out there? I'd love to know if they still need the second. Does he just sit there, he or she, just sit there now sort of changing the radio stations and stuff like that in a rally? Perhaps that's why we haven't heard from them yet because they just keep changing the radio stations. Was it Monte Carlo that was the biggie?

Oh, yeah. I think that was rally gold. Oh, yeah. So many chicanes in that city. Oh, good stuff. Even the word chicane. I think that might be up there in my top five words, Frank. Yeah, is chicane an F1

term as well? Yeah. You might not get a chicane in rally driving, I'm not sure. That would put me off it. We'll find out. I only like a chicane. I think it might be sans chicane, as they say in the continent. Oh, so chicanes, do they have to be man-made? I don't know what a chicane is.

Well, I associate it with Formula One. I do, but I don't know what it is. I see it as those very steep curves. Yeah, I would guess. I've driven around some of them. I once drove behind David Gandhi actually I believe he has his full

what is it called Al you all know things like this is the Moting Correspondent he has all his sort of credentials as a proper racing car driver I mean seeing Gandhi behind the wheel of a car like that I'm just saying yeah either Gandhi

would be remarkable behind that wheel of a car like that. I'm just saying. Yeah, either Gandhi would be remarkable behind that wheel. I was behind Mahatma Gandhi once at an auction when they were selling off some of John Lennon's old spectacles. Oh, yeah. I think he was trying to get a couple of fallback pairs. I should have gone to Spex. They were too expensive. Well, we don't know.

If David Gandhi is listening, David can you just text me and tell me what a chicane is? Thank you. Yeah, let's put the spot on him now. You're not allowed to Google David by the way. Nor you Mahatma. Oh no, sorry, he's no longer with us.

My bet was that Mahatma Gandhi would not have known what a chicane was. So that makes me feel better about myself. Okay. I think you're right, it's something like a big sharp bend. Exactly. So there'll be lots of, I mean there's a whole bevy of F1 fanatics who will be laughing at our ignorance.

It's alright though, I laugh at theirs. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio 240 has texted with what I consider to be a bit of a zing to Frank Skinner here Bit of a zing, strap in get your psychological armour on

I don't have any 240 has said earlier Frank said he got motion sickness watching a film! Exclamation mark. Surely the term motion sickness denotes movement, hence you had imagination sickness. Well, the thing is that this thing that was set up at the Trocadero involved a sort of a vibration and movement in the seating which so I'm so there was motion yeah two four zero sit down there you go sit down at the back oh I should have said I was

actually with Andrew Motion and he was getting on my he was so getting on my nerves I felt nauseous the one advantage of having had a terrible relationship, I've been an ex-wife of Andrew Motion, is doing the motion sickness jokes at middle class dinner parties. It'd be worth the difficult relationship just for that. Imagine people who haven't heard it would bring the house down. Fantastic. I find all stories about andrew motion very

moving lovely do you motion moving this is why it's good to have just helping our readers this is why i like having a friend with the surname freud because the freudian slip is a lovely reference. Yes. Yeah. Now, there are female Freuds, of course. I've met a couple of them. Mine is a male Freud. I wonder if they ever wear a Freudian slip,

because that would be another one. The trouble is, the slip joke, you're only going to do in a small group normally, not going to go to a party. I think motion sickness is one of the overlooked antidotes to climate change. If we were all injected to give us motion sickness, we might stop driving and getting on planes and all sorts of stuff. So I think it's something we should think about falling back on.

I think it's rethinking nuclear energy, but I suppose it's a bit different. Yeah, I think mine's something we should think about falling back on. I think it's rethinking nuclear energy, but I suppose it would be different. Yeah, I think mine's more fun. For sure. Wow, OK. But Greta, you choose. I'd go for a fringe if I was Greta, but we're all, you know... Why would she listen to my advice? I mean, you're always giving people advice, though.

You know, there are some people on their face that you think, oh, a fringe would really, like, bring out your eyes. Yeah, but you've got to stop doing this. You keep... Well, I've seen you. You go up to people and you go, why do you put that eyeliner on like that? It would look much better like this. Don't you think you should have a fringe?

I've seen you do it, Frank. She doesn't come across as the person most ready to accept a suggestion of a makeover. No, but a fringe, it doesn't involve any sort of cosmetics or anything. And look, I'm not going to broach it with you. I'm just, it's just speculation. But if she is listening. Yes, she will.

I think she's busy today. Adam Buxton has been in touch. Oh, yeah. He says, not that one, in parenthesis. Oh, OK. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Now, just to tell you the subject line, I think this might whet your appetite.

OK. Galactic domesticity, Frank. Oh, this goes back to the days when we talked about Davros's home life. I just said I'd watch it more if I could have sort of more insight into, yeah, his domestic experience. Yeah, two Daleks rally driving. So, Adam Buxton continues,

recently I've been re-watching episodes of Doctor Who. Oh, it'd be a lovely friend for you, Frank. I haven't re- really watched one for... Anyway, carry on. For, how long is it, three days now? From the Christopher Eccleston onwards, getting ready for the new series to start.

Insert heavy sigh from Emily here. Yes. As you wish. When an early man... Emily actually does some great material, which I... about dogs sighing, which I really...

She did it sort of throwaway the other week, and I thought, you know what? That's a great piece of stand-up, I think. But anyway, do you want to do it or keep it to yourself? I'm doing... You know what I'm doing? Save it for your Edinburgh show. I'm doing a little heart gesture that the youth do.

I associate it with Gareth Bale. Okay. When an early Matt Smith episode featuring the Daleks and Winston Churchill started, I remembered Frank's joke about the domestic life of Davros and laughed once again.

Well, that's good, isn't it? Then a question was asked on the TV, I like Adam Buxton because he says the TV, which made me explode with laughter once again as the soldier Dalek glides up to the apparent creator of the knobbly creatures and in their terrifying voice asks, would you like a cup of tea?

Amazing moment, I'm sure you'll agree. Keep up the great work. Apologies to Emily for raising sci-fi once again. Yes, well so many happy memories from that. But yeah, I think that Churchill

I don't know he might be no longer with us but he did a lot of audio Churchill for Doctor Who after that he became

our Churchill which is who was your Churchill at 12, 15 do you remember that thing in Alan Bennett when he said

I said to my mother said how old was Churchill I said to my mother said, how old was Churchill? I said, when? I'd like to bring a story to your attention that I think covers several aspects that have been brought up on this show

many a time and oft, if I should say, including the Black Chickens, the Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. Oh, yes. Jose Mourinho, who's been featured many, he's often been discussed. A sort of a slightly surly neighbour of the show rather than a friend, maybe. Yeah, exactly. But this show has an appreciation for people that could be described as a bit of a git,

and I think he's definitely in that chair. He's taken a swipe at his ex-boss, Daniel Levy, for appointing Antonio Conte, who's one of Jose's many enemies. He's got a lot, hasn't he? Well, yeah. I suppose when you've been around as long as him, you've had an argument with more or less every major manager.

I think that's how they justify it. He's been doing it that long. It's a bit like towards the end of his career, Peter Crouch couldn't play against anyone that wasn't a former club. No. Because he couldn't celebrate a goal, the man, towards the end. You say that, but Jose's hit rate for beef is pretty high. Oh, yeah.

There's no supply chain problem. What about beef extract? He's even fallen out with Bovril, Frank. That can't be. That'll go. That'll end in tears. I'm very torn though with this guys because obviously jose is i mean i love everything about jose i'm also quite a

conte fan as well because he really he gives off a lot of 80s male energy the The hair. Well, the hair, of course, is controversial. Because he will be joining, I think him and Jurgen Klopp will be the only two hair transplant managers in the Premier League. Conte, I believe, has had three hair transplants.

And I think if you are at the hair transplant clinic and you work on a footballer three times, you get to keep the head. Wow. That really would be a hat trick, wouldn't it? I suppose a hat trick would be like the guy in the Bee Gees

or Dave Stewart. You just wear a hat. It's a lot quicker and cheaper than getting a hair transplant. Didn't you see something once on stage, Frank, with Dave Stewart and a hat? Yeah, someone put their arm round him and when they put their arm round, they slightly dislodged the hat

and it was a bit like when the mask comes off in Phantom of the Opera. It needed... When the hat went, it was awkward. I think everyone held their breath in there. This was in the days when you didn't even have to hold your breath at the theatre, which I think now is part of the rules. We're talking about Antonio Conte this morning and his beef with Jose.

They have had, before we get to the beef, they have had previous beef, haven't they? Mm-hm. Antonio called, did Jose call him a clown? Yes. He didn't specify what type of clown. Did he mean Northampton, Krusty, Bozo? I, yeah, one of the exchanges was that Conte seemed to say that, that, that Jose had got senile dementia, which is obviously not the sort of thing you can bandy around nowadays.

I believe who said it, Frank, was Dementia Senile. Yeah, but then he's, then I think in trying to get out of the hole, he said, no, I'm at amnesia. And there was a big fuss about that because it's kind of a cruel and unkind and a terrible illness. But there was no fuss about using the word clown as a negative term, which to me is incredibly hurtful. I don't like clowns. I tell you what I don't like as well what I really don't like there's this sort of cliche that people come up with

about how clowns I just find them a bit frightening oh shut up don't everybody says why are you just repeating what other people say without even thinking about it clowns are

you know you see a good clown at the circus absolutely brilliant brilliant that's my clown speech Clowns are, you know, you see a good clown at the Cirque, it's absolutely brilliant. Yeah. Brilliant. That's my clown speech. So I don't like that.

You find them impressive. Find them a bit frightening? No. Quite the opposite, my friend. They're, let's just say, they've got a special place in my heart, as you well know. Oh, well, lovely. They're up there with Vince Cable in my weird crush list. And you know who else?

So I'd say Northampton Clown, Vince Cable, Henry VIII, and finally son of John Darwin, Canoe Man. Oh yes, I remember that. Back to Frank's Dinner in the Studio. Yeah, I mean it got great great calves, Henry VIII,

but I can't... I can't... If that's on one side of the sexual seesaw and the dissolution of the monasteries is on the other, I'm afraid he doesn't work. I couldn't date Henry VIII. I thought we had a group... I could date him, he's like 16th century.

I thought we had a group meeting I thought we had a group meeting and you weren't allowed to discuss the sexual seesaw anymore. Okay, I think you're right, actually. Let's move on from there. So we should say, so this time round, having put clown... I think also Conte said he was a little

man. Very little man. He loves the circus imagery. Yeah. He was shot. He loves the circus imagery. Yeah. He wants to leave it alone, I think. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think one of

Jose's problems, which probably makes him a little bit more angry and bitter every day is once your nickname becomes the special one. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's, if there is any falling away in achievement, it becomes, it's like when I'm sacked by Absolute Radio, then

then my Mr Radio nickname will that's going to sound pretty grim isn't it? That's nothing I want to be unless I'm working for radio rentals fitting people's televisions

which definitely still happens I'll have to go CB or something to try and hold on to my... You'll still be able to use that Loneliest Man in the World. The great thing is that will really rise up into it. So that will come into its own. Well, it's a bit like the Chris Eubank. I mean, he walked a fine line with the Simply the Best. Because if you're coming onto a chat show and that's your music

and you've just had, you know, a terrible defeat. But the thing is with Simply the Best is that Chris Eubank was a bloke who basically, there was something remarkable about his tenacity in the ring. He kept going and kept going. But he then quit and then you're all right with it being like marvelous marveling yes marvin hadler actually had his name changed by deed pal to marvelous if you look back on him but but marina is still doing it yeah not that right not that specially what about that maybe should we get chrisisten himself that. Not that special one. The less special one.

Yeah? What about when Jose... I mean, he said some things in his time. One of my favourites was when he said of Pep, he criticised Pep for being bald and said, when you enjoy what you do, you do not lose your hair. Oh, wow. Not scientifically proven, I don't think.

No. It makes Conte a very difficult example to bring in. You don't lose your hair. There's that hair on your back that you've been using on your head. I don't know where they get hair from, from hair transplants. I do. I think Conte's main problem is that Harry Kane seems to have

taken industrial action and that is I'd play him in look I don't want to talk football

I'd play Kane in midfield at the moment I think he could be one of the great number tens we don't want

to talk football no we don't want to talk football I always want to and as for Nuno where all this

comes from because the Spurs manager got sacked as well Nuno Espirito Santo. Lovely. Who is Portuguese.

So again, Jose is going to be on his side probably. Oh, yeah. They're all into it. They're having their custard tarts. Go on now, sorry. That Jose actually said that he's been a very good manager for years rather than just for a little bit.

That was his sort of complaint, wasn't it? Don't make him sound reasonable. no i just think um some people might not have known what we were on about oh yes he said uh so his actual beef because i don't know if we even got to that we got so waylaid with clowns and little men story of my life uh he What he actually said was, on the replacement, didn't he, Al? He said, I think Conte is a good coach. I wouldn't call him the replacement. That seems to be a bit loaded. You forget I'm an Arsenal fan, dear. He said he is a very good coach, though.

Which was a bit brutus as an honourable man. Yes. Well, yes, Nuno got sacked. Nuno is a very nice man. Yes. Well, yes, so Nuno got sacked. Nuno is a very nice man. Everyone would agree that he's a lovely... I think that's why he had to leave the Wolves. Ultimately, he's too nice. But I feel for him,

I'm sure he'll get another job soon and everything will be lovely and I'm sure that... that Jose will be looking for another job soon. So it all sort of sorts itself out. They'll be working with you at Radio Rentals. Oh, yeah. You remember the managerial roundabout that people used to talk about?

They'll all be there. Pick a horse, is my advice to Jose. And I'll see you on there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show at Frank... No, I can't say at, because that sounds like I'm saying the at at the beginning. What do you do? How do I say that? Email the show... Just say Frank.

And then I just say, there's no link. You could say using. Oh, employing the address. Email the show on. Email the show on frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I'm not even,

we need to come up with a phraseology. Okay. Can I ask a question, please, question please frank okay i love a question well i don't get too excited what do you feel about my i'm cool i've got a bit bob cratchit chic with my fingerless gloves where do you stand on fingerless gloves well i i like a fingerless glove, but I don't know how much warmth they actually provide. But they take me back because when I first started work in a drop forging in Langley Green in the West Midlands, there was a shop next door

and the lady in there always wore fingerless gloves. Very old lady. Very dirty old lady. Oh, old lady oh lovely not in a good way oh my god you're dirty no no not like that i mean oh but you don't know yeah you don't know well she had an eccentric brother i think i might have mentioned before his trousers ended at his wellingtons and when he was on the bike he he's just cut them, roughly cut them off at the Wellington level. He always, always, always wore Wellingtons, even though we lived in, you know, an urban area.

And he wouldn't pay paper kids. And so he delivered everything. I would see him delivering the local paper at 9.30 in the evening. And when Trouser's rode up on his bike, his legs were black as ebony. Oh. With just grime. So they were an interesting couple.

Anyway, she used to eat lard sandwiches in the morning. Yobby. And the lard, the lard, I remember, would run out the side of the sandwich and it would stick to the woolen fingerless gloves. And so it's given me an affection nostalgic affection for the surprising yeah you'd think you might have put me off them yeah could have put you off fingerless gloves and lard and bread for life yes it might not surprise you to know i've never come across a lard sandwich no well um never say never. No, I think I might give it a go.

I've tried a chip. I've eaten bread and dripping. Yeah, it's the sort of bread, it's the sort of Spartan bread and dripping. You literally buy a cube, it's not even a cube, I don't know what a rectangular cube is called. What would that be in

geometry? You know the shape of a butter thing or something oh yes aladdin i thought might be able to help us out no and someone will know anyway you buy your lard like that and then you literally just take a chunk of it and put it on bread and that's it that's your sandwich yeah okay well i might give it a go i don't know if it's so i don't think you can get it in holland and barrett let's put it that way but um i don't know what you can get in holland and barrett exactly there's those big tobs of stuff this is one of the first mentions for holland and barrett yeah exactly holland and barrett i once bought some stuff in a holland

and barrett during my drinking days, would you believe? And the bloke looked at me, I said, can I have a bag? And he looked with genuine regret. It was almost like they were going to pay me not to carry a Holland. They don't want people to think that's what healthy eating does to people.

They look like that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank? Uh-huh? I have some news in for you. like that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I have some news in for you. You're referring to, and I feel fairly confident we're the only radio station

currently asking the question. What shape does commercial lard come in? Yes. We've had some responses. It's like a cube except it operates with rectangles instead of squares.

Well, 167 and 351 have both said it's a cuboid, Frank. Yeah. I feel you're not convinced about the cuboid. I thought a cuboid was like if you take a cube, which is all squares, obviously, and then you extend four of the sides into a long cube. I'm trying to think of an example of a long cube. Oh, okay. But it might, I can't think of one.

Like a shoebox. Yeah. No, I don't think a shoebox has any squares in it either. I think that's a rectangular end. Anyway, look, I think geometry is not that popular on radio. Oh, OK. It's a visual art. I don't think that should stop us discussing it.

So we're convinced it's cuboid. We're not here to pander. Nor are open graves, but we did a text in on that. No, we did. So, yes, this woman would take a cuboid of lard and put some of it on bread, and that would be her breakfast. Cindy, can I just say, who is a... I love that name, Cindy.

Do you? Yeah. I like Cindy. She's Cindy with a C. Yeah, brilliant. A third rectangular cube is called a cuboid. Our P2s, five- and six-year-olds, learn this in maths. Oh, I hope.

Cindy was throwing a bit of shade there. Yes, I dig at the end after I'd praised her name. She's got a bit Jose on us. Yes, she has. I love the show. There you go. That's all right. OK.

We've also heard, and I like this text a lot, from 370. Hi, Frank et al. et Emily. Read the cordial slash squash discussion. Oh, yes. You were discussing earlier about the... I was saying that, yeah, we used to call concentrated drinks that needed dilution.

We used to call them cordial, and now they're commonly called squash, I think. Well, it's triggered some memories for 370, who says, in Ireland, brackets, well, mainly rural Ireland, I think, soft drinks, et cetera, are referred to as minerals, e.g., I'm driving, so I'll only have a mineral. Ah. Was this ever a thing in the UK?

Praise redacted, and that's from Colm in Blackpool. Well, he called it dilutins. In Scotland, it's quite often called dilutin or ginger, weirdly, for fizzy drink. Ginger! Often known as ginger in Scotland. What? Or fizzy drinks?

Yeah. So how could you use it in a sentence? It's a word used like pop. Like in Yorkshire, they would say pop. Yeah, we'd say pop. If you could please give me an example. If I went to that neck of the woods and I said, oh, how would you use it, please?

Well, let's say you and I bumped into each other in the street and I had an iron brew or a Coca-Cola. I might say, yeah, I just fancied a ginger. Well, I said that, but I didn't mean that. Yeah, I think that. Yeah, that's good. So, look, a few weeks ago I bought a smoothie from a company called Grassroots, if you remember. Oh, yeah.

And it was called something like mango, kiwi fruit and blah, blah. And when I looked at the contents, it was 67% orange juice. It wasn't even mentioned. Well, I've got another one this week. It's called Very Berry. Oh, yeah. Matt Berry. Very Berry, yeah.

And ingredients, apple. Right. Not a berry, I would say. Banana. Mm-mm. No, not a berry.

And then it says strawberries. Now, because they've brought up the berries, they're still giving me figures. Strawberry, 8%, blueberry, 8%, blackberry, 8%, raspberry, 8%. Unfortunately, I can add that's 32%, which suggests to me that apple and banana are more than a third of a drink

called blackberry, raspberry, strawberry, blueberry. Yeah. Why don't they just come up front, grassroots, and tell us what's in it? I'm happy with apple and banana. Yeah, you're a very laid-back character, I find. Two of the big three of fruits. Very laid-back.

They should call it apple, banana and some berries. Yeah, exactly. I'd be fine with that. It might be too long for the sticker on the bottle. I know, but why bring up the 8%ers? Al, do you think Frank's the only person who's checked out every percentage of those

ingredients on the back of their... No, there must have been other Gittish customers. Well, I think, you know, if you bought a cup of tea and it was half coffee, you wouldn't be very happy about it. No. If there's anyone listening from grassroots... Oh, for God's sake! Can you explain to me what you've got

to hide, please? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I know that you relish being corrected on this show. That's how you learn in life, Al. Indeed, as a correctione.

We ran through um the ingredients of your berry juice moments ago before playing that track um and uh 167 is one of many people who has texted saying hi frank can i blow your mind bananas are technically berries you're welcome i know that is a shocker for me. Does apples? Surely not. No, but I think bananas are technically berries and many people are taking the opportunity to tell us. But can I say, I mean, I take that.

I didn't know that and I got it wrong. But the drink is called blackberry, raspberry, strawberry, blueberry. So one could still argue that it shouldn't have. That's main ingredients, apple and banana. But yeah, I'm glad to know. I like to learn, you see. Yeah. So thank you, all of you.

We've also had a lot of people getting in touch regarding fingerless gloves. Some are huge fans a lot of people saying that they think of Steptoe immediately I'm getting Fagin-esque

is coming up a lot I'd like that as a question who's in the fingerless gloves chair well for me it is Steptoe oh actually no what's his name

Pete Beale well you're absolutely right because Jazz Jill has said Fagin-esque. Anana Banana, everyone knows. Lost Boys chic. Is Anana Banana related to Choc Berry? I don't know. And you're absolutely right, Frank. We've also had a number of people saying market stall holders only. Yes.

That was, Gemma Johnston suggested that. Fingerless gloves are sort of the body warmer of the hand garment, aren't they? I have a sense that there was, wasn't there a sort of 80s people in bands, singers and that would wear fingerless? Absolutely, Madonna was a fan of them. Oh yeah, often a sort of crocheted uh type of maybe even a lace frank sometimes a lace even those lovely moments when in a grouping you find madonna and um old man steptoe and also greg ellis has said uh they should be the naughty lingerie of the glove world a bit of a tease.

But I don't think people can get beyond Albert Steptoe, Wurzel Gummidge and Winter Busker Associations. Oh, that's good. See, but they don't sell them like the naughty underwear. You don't get called, I've bought some peephole gloves. No one ever said that. No, they're the sort of stockings and suspenders of the hand world, aren't they?

Yes, yes. Or are they the reverse of that? Maybe they're the reverse. Can you get just fingers, which are the bits that would have been on a fingerless glove, and just wear those? I think they might be warmer if you wore those.

And they would be. If anyone was going to be concerned. Have you got any hand hold-ups? Please. If anyone knows if they exist, I think they would look quite cool. I've said cool twice on the show. I think we can safely say I won't last the week. quite cool. I've said cool twice on this show. I think we can safely say I won't last the week.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. Can I share with you a missive from Lawrence Coles Duffy? Yes. Okay. He says you seem somewhat wary of LCD. Yeah, I'm worried about the LCD element, but Karen, let's hear it next.

It's okay. I think you sound... I mean, I am declaring these earnings, so. It's not like the old days, I'd get a missive and be frightened to open the envelope. No, I like, he sounds like my kind of guy. He just says, I lived in Austria for a year, and they have something called Grammelschmalz, which is basically lard with bits of crackling in it which they eat on bread and Austria has a

0.59 year higher life expectancy than us. It could all be down to the Grammelschmeltz. Grammar Schmeltz. Okay. Bless you. Call, call the air now mine. Call night and day with your song divine. Any Austrians listening? Extraordinary. Hitting the high notes at this time of day. Well, I've been warming up all morning for that. Oh, that feels better. Ow!

Any chicane news? Oh, we had some chicanery, didn't we? We did have some very good. Are they of the same root, the chicane, chicanery? They must be. We've established, Al. And maybe Shakira Kane. Also Michael Caine's wife.

Also of the same root. I'm going to hand over to... I'm going to marry that girl. Is that what he said? Apparently he said to his agent, I was watching a coffee advert. I can't really do Michael Caine. It's just beautiful.

I'm going to go to Brazil and find her. And he said, I think she lives in Halston or something like that. And he went and just made it happen. Yeah. I love those I'm going to marry her, marry him stories. It's great. Apparently, David Beckham in the Players' Lounge saw that. I don't know which one it was.

I know exactly what it was. It was Say You'll Be There. It's the one with the black PVC cat suit. Say You'll Be There. And he said, I'm going to marry her. I just wondered if his friends changed the word marry just to make it a bit more user-friendly in the press. Less footballer.

Yeah, a bit less footballer. You see, it was pre-social media days. Now they just, what used to happen, and I miss that, they'd get their agents to contact them. Yeah. I believe also Roger Taylor from Duran Duran. A little bit niche, but stay with me. He did that as well.

And Simon Le Bon with Yasmin Le Bon. Oh, yeah. So they just contact. They would find someone they liked just in an ad. It was like a Grattan catalogue for marriage. Yeah. That is, That's amazing. To have the guts to say to your agent,

can you get me in contact with that? Did you ever do that back in, obviously before you were very happily ensconced with your life partner? Would you have done that, Frank? Maybe. Maureen Lipman might have drawn me in on the BT adverts.

Other than that. That is the sort of person you would have come to. To be my... Really, you saw her door? You did get a bit attracted to a woman on a walk-in bath advert, didn't you? That is true, actually. That's a very attractive woman. That's when I realised I was getting older.

She was advertising walk advertising walking baths I still don't know how they work I always imagine it's the same as the lock system on the canal network but it might not be do they get in and then wait for the water

I mean I was so lost to find out he'd asked his manager to track down the woman can you go in touch with that woman yeah

can you open a few doors for me you two with I still haven't found what I'm looking for. OK. We've had... I mean, we're still getting...

I wonder if Bono's ever said that to a shop assistant. It'd be so hard to resist, wouldn't it? It's about a very difficult visit to TK Maxx, that's all. Do you use it? Sorry. I went to a furniture... I'm going to say heels, you know, the furniture shop, and I wanted to buy a sofa, a chaise lounge, and I think it was a bed. And the woman, I told the woman that, and she said,

okay, do you want to look at the beds first? I said, no, let's cut to the chaise. And I got nothing at all from her. She didn't't get it i hate it when they don't have humor what about i should have called for another assistant well you should have called for the best assistant i met in my whole life in heels when i bet you've met a few in heels over the years oh yes i have When I went, this was a man, wearing glasses on a lanyard type, my favourite. He was in the lighting department. And when I asked for my chandelier bulbs and they didn't have them,

I said, I cannot believe you do not have these chandelier bulbs. What am I going to do? And do you know what he said to me? He said, I know, but be brave, madam. Quality. Excellent. Love that man excellent excellent work anyway shakira kane oh yes uh 594 has texted and there's a few bits where it seems as if they've perhaps been typing this in the rain so i'm gonna have to just you know sometimes bits don't make sense but most of it does a chicane is two corners to slow down a racing track if it's too fast for example on circuit the spar don't know if that's an actual circuit it is used to slow down the cars because they may be going too fast so

it's immediate left or right so it's like like a, I suppose, a layman like me. Do they have chevrons on an F1? Yes, chevrons are, no, chevrons are part of it. Are they? Well, can I tell you this? Connor has got in touch. Hi, and he says, happy Saturday, which I like because it's quite dystopian, sort of futuristic movie. Yeah.

The voiceover. You will enjoy your Saturday. Yes, it's quite squid game, isn't it? High Franken team, a chicane is a man-made addition to race circuits, as well as roads. So it's essentially

the steep curve in the road, but it's man-made I think, is a chicane. That's the difference. But aren't all roads and racetracks man-made? Well, what I mean is as opposed to a natural curve in a hill. OK. Do you see? I think a layperson might think of a chicane as a zigzag,

like where it goes... OK. So it's not quite what I... So it's banked. OK. OK? Everyone happy? I'm just picturing me Sky Electrics,

but I think that was flat, flat as a board. Got you. OK, good to know, though, because one band is the word chicane around. Oh, all the time. What a word it is. It's a great word, but now we know what it is. On the same subject.

Oh, go on. We've heard that 125 has said, great to hear the rally chat whilst I'm tinkering in my workshop. Co-drivers still read the A to Z, known as notes, and no one wants a sat-nav, they tell us. Now I can imagine that. I bet no one's driving an automatic in a rally. Either that's my bet.

I bet that too. I bet if they had a breakdown, they'd put one of those small orange pyramids a few yards behind the car by way of a warning. Can I also just... I would like to point out that Holly Bidwell might be my favourite ever fingerless glove wearer. I love fingerless gloves.

I have fingerlessaless writing gloves with text from Anne of Green Gables on them. Goodness me. Fabulous. Did she buy them at an auction? That's because she's called Bidwell. But never mind, never mind, never mind. What a fabulous joke.

They didn't get what it deserved. But you know what? It was more clever than funny. It's one of those jokes. Okay. But, you know, I think commercial radio needs more of that. Okay, so Sarah Champion's up next. Do listen to Sarah, and thank you for listening to us.

And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, and I'm not kept awake all night by fireworks, as I was last night, particularly lovely evening for a Roman Catholic. Nevertheless, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.