The Frank Skinner Show - Child Catcher-Outer

Episode Date: March 4, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on a walking holiday had an eventful breakfast at a hotel. The team also discuss mysophobia, leather dungarees and an incident at the British Museum.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is, um, I said that a bit like Jeff Stelling. That southern emphasis on Sky Soccer Gillette, whatever it is. It's an anagram of what it's called, but there's a Razor TV company and a sport in it. Yeah. No Razor Roddick, though, I noticed. No, not Razor Roddick, not anymore. And, yeah, so he does those sort of big emphases.

So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pianovelli. Anyway, you can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Only their second win of the season. Gillette Soccer Saturday is what it's called. It's the best a man can get, apparently.

Imagine the meeting for Gillette Soccer Saturday when they've said, look, people don't like the word soccer. It's an American word, but I love alliteration. Let's just go for it. Gillette Football Saturday is not as good as Soccer Saturday. OK. Do you think it is the best a man can get? In life? In shaving terms. Well, it just seems quite a big boast. I like the old tea bar. You know the old tea bar?

Have you ever used one of those, Pia? Only a few times in my life. He's never shaved. No. I'm anti-comedians with beards. They're all growing beards now. At the younger end of the scale, it's starting to go now.

Is it? Yeah. Good. I was brought up to believe that with a comedian, you want to see their face as part of your, one of your,

Really? He told you that? Part of your equipment, you know. Yeah. Your facial expression, cover it behind a big, horrible beard.

Do you think if I could shave my beard off, I would sort of boost my comedy powers? I think you'd go through the ceiling comedy wise if you shaved that off. But you know, some people put personal appearance above

ambition. It's true. Vanity. Extraordinary start to the show. One thing we were talking about, I was I was talking about something. That you hated.

Was I? And Pierre does a thing I've noticed, is if I say to Pierre something like, if I named the seven actors who played the Magnificent Seven, I would see Pierre slightly hunch, and I'd know he was Googling it. Yeah. Apparently, I think it was Angelo Dundee,

the trainer of Cassius Clay and then Muhammad Ali, who said he was a real... He was a real ob-himself kid. He said, if you told him it was raining he used to go and look out the window and that's what I am confronted with every Saturday morning I have to say it's got me on my toes

I mean I didn't lie much but now I've had to completely eradicate it I think he's just he likes facts he's like Thomas Gradgrind who is that? He's from Hard Times, I believe. Oh, yes. I think his name is Thomas Gradgrind.

Definitely Gradgrind. He says something like, what I want. Of course he's Gradgrind. They're all grads. What I want is facts. He lectures the children about facts. If I'm incorrect, do feel free to correct me. But Pierre's already done it.

He's been on Google. And this news just in. But here's the thing you should really be afraid of is if you tell me something or if you say something and I don't look it up or that means that I am less interested in that thing you've said I say. The looking up is

a sort of indirectly quite a compliment because I'm going oh really I need more, I need more. I think you've written me off as an old liar well i'm in the same camp because i've noticed when i've given pierre a lift occasionally if i tell him something something about my personal life even i hear the little tap tap tap tap google that i hear the tap tap on the phone he's having a Google. I mean... I quite like it. What happened? This is why there's no religion left in the country. I can't believe anything.

Search engines. It can't be true if it's not verified by Wikipedia. He's just passionate about facts. You know what happens to me with Wikipedia when I upset Steps Faye Tozer by asking her about being a trampolining champion? She said, I'm sick of hearing about that. It's not true.

Well, I mean, of all the scandals that could be spread about you, it's not the worst, is it? By the way, you'll be glad to know that PA googled the Fay Toza thing. It's not on there anymore, apparently, the trampoline. No, there's no trampoline championship references. There is a slightly insulting summary of Steps. It's under career music.

It says Steps are a pop group. Their name is based on a gimmick. It's not a concept, a gimmick. You see, I've never, ever, ever looked at my Wikipedia page and maybe Faye's in the same... Yeah? Well, they've updated it. I have. Oh, yeah.

Full disclosure, because I needed to remind myself when your birthday was. Yeah, it's handy for that. But, I noticed... Soon I'll be using it for that. The MBE's been added. I think I noticed... Soon I'll be using it for that reason. The MBE's been added. I think I've tagged this up before, yeah.

Nice. Wonderful news. By a user at Charlie3. Who could that be? That might be my Coke dealer. So,

Ruth Jordan has been in touch. That's a joke, by the way, quite honestly. We do not approve, we do not approve of Class A drugs, or indeed any of the...

Classes. The alphabet drugs. No. Don't call me alphabet drugs. Do you get B class and C class? You do, yeah. No, I don't. No, but I mean, do they call them that?

Yes. Like, if you had a Z class, would that be Lemsip? Lemsip tablets Luce Tablet. Ruth Jordan has been in touch. Where would we be without Ruth Jordan? At sea. All at sea. A name constructed from Old Testament references.

Worst time all at sea has ever been used in reference to you? In a maths report I got. Oh, really? Which said simply, in beautiful calligraphy, may I say, I still have it, from Miss Carruthers, my maths teacher, Emily is all at sea in this subject and does little to help herself. And you know what I didn't like? There was a big full stop. Was it O-level navigation?

You know what I didn't like? There was a big full stop. Was it O-level navigation? What about my report card says, spends far too much time playing to the gallery? And I think that's a fault of mine now. If I do like a big gig, I tend to forget there's people sitting up top. You know, they say, don't remember to look up. Anyway, back to ruth has there been an occasion yet where pierre has googled a frank fact as i like to call them and

found it to be incorrect did frank accept the correction or argue his case well how much of a git was frank about the whole thing and then she's put i love you frank and a lovely kissy face emoji okay well that's nice i um there has been but i think on but i think there's been a couple of occasions and i think both times i said i think they were i i rarely put my foot down on a fact if i i've got any vagaries about me yeah I can't remember any big corrections or... No, that's very sweet of you to say that. But sometimes I will take out a blunt instrument of fact and Pierre will sharpen it for me.

That's probably how it works. Pierre was talking about, by the way, I mean, there's lots of stuff about what we were talking about, but I don't like you guys to miss out. No. Pierre was talking about, by the way, I mean, there's lots of people about what we were talking about, but I don't want you guys to miss out. Pierre was talking about a friend of his. Yeah, we got onto this through one of the many reasons I hate the archers. Oh, yes. It's about the radio.

It's the situational noises they make. Yes. They sort of, oh, oh, all this sort of stuff. Isn't it odd? Because it's one of the, I hate the archers even more now because it's regularly above me, I hate the Archers even more now because it's regularly above me in the podcast charts but

I yes, I never ever got on into the Archers to the point where I used to regard, if I was driving and had Radio 4 on, I would I would regard the theme tune as a sort of early warning system yeah and you think someone's talking about finance you think it doesn't matter it's just you know

verbiage in the background i don't think so yeah yeah i hate the way it comes in with a slight fade in and fade out yes like you'll suddenly hear a voice going, I think those trees are going to need pruning. Yeah. And I just think, why do I want this in my life? But it's intensely popular. Just you doing that now, people will be saying, actually, I think I might listen to The Office instead of it.

People absolutely love it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, Pierre was just about to slag off a close friend gather up the fireside everyone come sit at my feet yes so regarding my hatred of little noises I have

misophonia where I have a sort of irrational anger response to little particular sounds. Okay. Imagine being like that. I'm like that. I work with a man whose wife used to wear

industrial ear protectors at mealtimes because she couldn't stand the sound that he made when he ate. Yeah. It's little noises that bother me.

I don't mind cranes, trucks. Bring them on. I said to him, how long has that been going on? He said, oh, three or four years. I said, has she in any way accessorised them with stickers? I just had this idea

that she'd made them a bit more personal. She hadn't, apparently. She kept them cold and industrial. Anyway, sorry. Well Well so I have always I've always had this my whole life And I He's a friend of mine who I often I game with

Okay I do some gaming with him Do you like cop fighting that kind of thing? Yeah yes No Frank This is how South Africans game I like to game. Bear baiting and things.

Get the dogs. Like an Elizabethan. Get the dogs, Gunter. Gunter. I'll be about seven hours. Oh, I can imagine him coming out for his talk. Be back at dawn. Do you wear the little microphone? I don't. He does. This is the thing. Oh, I can imagine him coming out for his talk. Be back at dawn. Do you wear the little microphone?

I don't. He does. This is the thing. Okay. So he's got a little sort of pilot's microphone, helicopter pilot. Yes. Very close to his mouth.

And as a result, I get a sort of Archer's style mouth experience. Well, can I say before you say this this I just want to feel free to google this but people often call that people of a certain age at least a Madonna microphone

because she's seen as the first person to use it on stage not so Kate Bush was using it before Madonna so really we should call it a Kate Bush microphone

and as Frank has pointed out in the past people of a certain should call it Kate Bush. And as Frank has pointed out in the past, people of a certain age call it a Madonna microphone and younger people Frank, call it... A microphone. A Bush microphone. Sounds like a South African... Yeah, that would be. Yeah.

I couldn't really hear him but it was only a Bush microphone. That's what you were on the local newspaper when you were growing up. Bush microphone. Had me the bush microphone. So go on, what sort of noises does your friend make? Well, he'll sort of, he does very performative sighing or sort of intakes of breath when the game is particularly challenging.

It really is like a sort of Foley studio of emotions yeah i can't bear him i tell you what i don't like when when i don't like me i ate him as well um i am the noise meister i um i ate it when dogs go oh no don't do that don't do that finish that sweet and get out yeah no but here one of my one of my ones which really and i don't think i have missed if i'm i'm i can sit with um but buzz playing and my son playing like massive electric guitar load, and I'm fine. The one that gets me is when you hear a track of people playing acoustic guitar

and you get that... as the fingers slide up and down the strings, you know that bit? Cut that out. You could cut that out in post. What are you doing? Don't leave that in. I'll tell you what I don't like is the internal sigh.

And I'm guilty of it myself. Where it feels overly expressive for a sigh. It's not a genuine, oh. It's like a, hmm. Yeah. That's a deliberate sigh, that's a theatrical sigh. You want to turn to the person and say, what is it? Exactly.

That's the theatrical sigh. Yeah. You want to turn to the person and say, what is it? Exactly. No one has ever released a sigh like that. Subconscious. It's always, you know what I'm going to do now, don't you? My sigh.

Hmm. Don't forget this morning's text in. Who would you most like to see on a pez dispenser so i um i went on a walking holiday last week oh me and uh kath we love a walking holiday my partner so we um what we did is we just got the train to reading and then walked back to london from there and um not in a day three days and um we what you do there's a system by which you go off on your walk that morning with your little backpack, packed lunch, you know, a bottle of water, map even. Oh. And then someone comes, a driver man,

and, oh lady, and takes your bag to your next destination. Ah, so you still have your luggage. Yeah, so you don't have to carry all the heavy stuff. I know it's a bit of a cheat, but it's a nice way. It's based on the old sort of native bearer theory of, you know, the sort of upside-down lion on a stick. It's that kind of process, but it makes it an easier thing. But we're doing 20 miles a day, you know.

I'm an order man, Commander. So when he rode up, we were staying at the De Vere in Old Windsor. Okay. We don't normally do a hotel. We favour a B&B. But anyway, we ended up at the De Vere, big hotel, and I went down for breakfast breakfast and this woman said,

oh my God, Alan Carr. And I said, no, she said, I said, I'm not, I'm honestly not. She said, you are. I said, I'm honestly, she said, well, she said, you sound exactly like him. She said, you sound exactly like him. Now, I'm going to allow a bit of wiggle room in a lookalike, but I do not sound exactly like Alan Carr. No.

I mean, I had gone down and said, whoa, breakfast, please! No, I hadn't done that. I hadn't done that. But she was very insistent, this woman. Really? And Kath... I hope Alan's listened to your impression of him.

I think he'll be all right. I hope he is, we love him. So, this probably happens to him all the time and people think he's... No, I doubt it. So, she was very convinced and I said to Katta we should tell her and I said no let her believe I'm Alan Carr because in 2023 Alan Carr is a much more exciting encounter than I am and she she said, well, I'm going to tell her.

So she said to the woman, he's not Alan Carr. And the woman, you could see, was thinking, I know who he is. For sure. Yeah, you're trying to hide your fame. And she said, he's Frank Skinner. And I saw the woman. Speaking of extraneous noises, the woman went, Oh. I could feel the ladle going a little deeper into her memory.

Goulash. The pause, Frank, the pause is cruel. But I think she might have found me down there at the bottom of the cauldron. They always do. Yeah. And she went, oh, can I have a photo? And I said, whoa, no, no, I didn't. I said, stop it.

I said, okay, but I've just got to go and do something in the room and then on the way out, we'll come and see you for a photo. And she said, oh, you won't come back. I said, honestly, I will come back. So I'll tell you after this what happened when we went back. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. So I went, if you remember, I'm at the Devere in Old Windsor.

Is that like an old colonel? A character from The Archers. I'll be staying at the Devere. It's the biggest hotel I've ever been in, the dining room. I thought they'd done that thing that they do in places sometimes. But a mirror is a chain, we should say, I believe. Well, this place, I thought they had a mirror, a mirrored wall to make it look massive, the dining room.

But no, it was massive. All right. Anyway, so not that we got into the dining room because uh we had the dog with us so we had to eat um just outside the dining room no dogs where were you sir what did you have to say it's like a bar nearby so we had breakfast in there oh in the dog house yeah exactly so anyway i went uh i went back to back to do the photo, because, you know, man of the people. Yeah.

So when I went back, I met this guy. He came over and said hello, and I thought, God, I know you, and he used to go to my church. Oh, right. It's called Brendan, and he was there with the Catholic Voices Convention. Right. Yeah.

Voices. Let's get that spelling right. Yes. Not vices. And so there was a few hundred Catholics packed into the place. It used to be a Catholic boarding school, this hotel. I don't know if that's what drew them in well I know that's what drew you in

yeah well they said go and have a look at the chapel and I went and had a look at the chapel and it's like tables and chairs in there and stuff it's like for weddings anyway so I went to do me photo

and I had a chat with Brendan and then I went over to the lady, you thought. And she said, oh, hello again. She said, thanks for coming back. She said, oh, I heard about your dog. I said, what about my dog? She said, it pooed in the corridor.

I said, it absolutely didn't. I said, we've been with it all. She said, oh, no, no, everyone's saying it did. I said, we've been with it all. She said, oh no, no, everyone saying it did. I said, everyone? And then Brendan said, yeah, some of the Catholic voices people were saying your dog had pooed. I said, what? Gone through Catholic voices?

First Alan Kahn, now this. Exactly. How many voices am I expected to speak in? So I said, my dog has not, I've been with her all the time. It just, it didn't happen. And this woman was saying, oh yeah, it did, it did, your dog did. So we went to reception and I said, look.

I don't like where this is going, Pierre. No, see here. I said... Now, look here. I said, look, there's a story going around the hotel. A story? You should have stayed Alan Carr. Yes.

I said to Kath, I said, if you'd have kept your mouth shut, it would have been Alan Carr's dog. Yeah. The story would only have unraveled when the woman said, yes, Alan Carr was here with his wife. Yeah, that would have been a shocker. I think that would have overdone the pooing element. He was here with his what?

And the dog pooed. Never mind that. What was he here with? Anyway, I'll get back to the reception in a second. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner,

coincidentally, on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. His fourth goal in seven games. OK. So, we've left you. By Jeff Stelling. We've left you, Frank. Oh, sorry, yes.

In the hotel, we've set the scene here. You've already been accused of being Alan Carr. Yes. And then... I was all right with that, but this, my dog's integrity has been called into question. Can I say that when we took the dog in the hotel, the dog sleeps in the room and all that stuff,

in a De'Vea basket with a De'Vea bowl. Oh. So they're welcoming to dogs, as long as you don't take them in the restaurant yeah but when we walk with it obviously we don't just let it let it out the room say go and have a run oh i do we have it on uh on the lead and everything you know and the dog when the dog does uh need to i'm gonna say poo it does tend to break its stride you know you would you would notice yes you you wouldn't um let that slip by unnoticed yeah you'd feel that you feel the pressure on the lead

poppy doesn't strike me as a stealth comfort break no no no no so what happened you said how dare you essentially no no so i i wasn't even sure if it had reached him. It was a big hotel. I'd say it had gone through cafe voices like a forest fire. But anyway, so I said to him. The receptionist this is. This is the receptionist. So I thought, I'll play this cagey.

So I said, I heard that a dog see good this is i heard that a dog has pooed in the corridor and he said yes it was yours wasn't it he said i had my photo taken with it to send to my girlfriend and i thought this is worse and worse this is a level of celebrity which i one of the few that's remained unexplored selfies with the poo of a this dog, it's come to this. And Kat said, let me see that photo. Yeah. So he showed us the photo and Kat said, aha. Well, it's yellow today. I thought, oh, no, I can't live with this. Oh, no.

She said, yeah, she's on her travel food, so it's yellow today. That's not her poo. And he said, well, everyone said it was the dogs. I'm sorry to talk about poo so much in the morning, but how do I get around this? And Kath then said, I demand to see the CCTV. I said... He started taking it

completely seriously and it's very difficult for me to accept. I said, we're not going to get the... No one's been killed. CSI. Yeah, we're not going

to get the CCTV. What are you talking about? 24 hours in police custody. This is like an anxiety dream where people just keep insisting something to your face that isn't true. You say, well, if you're not Ellen Carr, I'll think of something else so now hang on alan carl's

wife has asked to see the cctv according to the catholic voices exactly um so you've been gaslit by an entire establishment this is outrageous so anyway anyway, he was quite a nice guy. I mean, he didn't mean any, you know, he'd just been told it was my dog's poo, and so he was an opportunist, no more than that. Also, if you will Peter Crouch over a dog's comfort break, take a photo. I know, it's a very strange idea, but anyway.

We've all run out of things to talk about sometimes. To our girlfriends. There's no need to take a photograph of a dog mess. So anyway, we left. Kath was really irate. You know what Kath's like. She got really irate about it. No, Alan Carr's told me all about it.

It was one of these places with a really long drive that was about a mile so we had to walk down that. Carry your own bags, I imagine. Well, this was what happened because when we got to the end of the drive, Cat said

I've still got the suitcase. So obviously we're supposed to leave the suitcase. So suddenly we're taking the suitcase on a 20 mile wall, it's on wheels you know I disapprove of that so we had to take that back

and I had to phone up David Padil and say do you mind if a driver drops a suitcase off at your house today I think he thought I'd started killing for pleasure. But it's complicated. But anyway, Dave agreed,

and so he accepted my suitcase later in the day. There's more to this, but maybe we'll have a break. We'll just open a window. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we've got... People have been in touch. Good. Firstly, just a quick quizzy for you from Donna Tibby.

Yeah. Do you prefer to be called Francis, Frankie or Frank? No, I think Frank is... I think the only person who's called me Frankie was a man who worked in the Versace shop in Milan.

Really? Frankie. I'm going to need a little more than that. Well, I went in there with... I was filming for a sort of holiday show. And I went in there to try on some leather donkeries. Has this been generated by AI, this anecdote?

Yeah. Has this been generated by Zoolander, this anecdote? Yeah. What the hell is going on? I must have told you this story before. We left. He was a very nice man. Oh, Frankie, welcome to my show.

Oh, Frankie. Frankie, you look fantastic. He was like this. And then I went out into the street and suddenly there was gunfire. I must have told you this story. There was gunfire and guys drove past in a car, literally hanging out the window, firing guns.

God. And it hit the masonry above us and stuff fell down. So this policeman started waving his arms and shouting, but obviously I didn't know what he was saying but everyone started running and i used to i don't know if i can still tell this story one thing that stuck in my mind at the time was we ran and there was this woman running ahead of me attractive woman like short skirt and all that and i remember thinking she's all right and that was in the very face of death.

The very jaws of death. That's a depressing final thought. Yeah. So anyway, we all went into like a side alley and then the police all went round so we could hear gunfire in the distance and suddenly a voice from a window went, Frankie, Frankie, are you okay?

From the first start. Sprinting away in your leather dungarees. Oh, man. No, I hadn't got those on then. I'd left them in the... This is like a cross between The Godfather and a carry-on film. Well... It was more... I mean, what happened, that was basically the bit that involved me,

but the camera crew filmed the police arresting these guys. Oh, they got them? Yeah. And one thing they did is they had one guy in the gutter and they had their boot on his throat. And they filmed that, and then they took the film to a news station in Milan. And when we got back to the hotel,

there was about 10 police there. And is the word compounded when they take, what's the word? Impounded. Impounded. They impounded them. Can I just check something? Were you still wearing the leather donkeys?

No, no, I never bought them. The idea was I just tried them on. Can I say I kind of wish you had? They were really loose as well. I could fish in them. Oh, yes. Raiders. So, yeah, so the police came and took the whole day's shoot away.

And they had to go and see a judge at like two in the morning. And he had to decide what we could keep and what we couldn't. So they took all that, the shooting stuff. Yeah. Sorry, I don't know how that story came out. It literally came from do you prefer to be called Frank or Frankie? And now suddenly,

we find ourselves in a shootout wearing leather dungarees. Frank Skinner, everyone. Who'd have thought great oak trees from little icons grow? That's what the guy in the shop told me. I said they're quite baggy, this room. God's sake.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from Josh Jeffery. Judge Jeffery? The hanging judge? Who? There's nothing judicial in this. It's Josh Jeffery. OK.

You recently spoke about tribute acts. I believe we did a couple of weeks ago. Well, I went to the Bootleg Beatles, who were immense. They're on tour. In Amsterdam, you saw them. In Amsterdam. But they're on a British tour now. I'd recommend.

It's a great them. In Amsterdam, but they're on a British tour now. I'd recommend. It's a great night. Josh continues, I noticed an act playing in Glasgow called Simply Rod, and I'm confused. Which one? Is this a Rod Stewart tribute, or a bloke called Rod pretending to be Mick Hucknall? Yeah.

Surely the golden rule of a tribute act name is that we immediately know who it is that's from Josh Jeffery your witness Frank Skinner I'd guess

it was a Rod Stewart but what if it's an amalgam what if it's the Black Rod I saw many many years before the whole

tribute I doubt it well that could be quite a good tribute act I know how the gig would start. How?

And everyone would go, what? He's doing it. Yeah. Live. No, it wouldn't start that way. He'd have to say that to the end. That's his big encore. You've got to open with it, though.

It's a bit like Let's Get Ready to Rumble. You can't put it at the end. That is Black Rod's Let's Get Ready to Rumble. That's Black Rod's act. get ready to rumble that's Black Rod's act that's an act in its entirety I'd like to think that there'd be an because you'd hear the rustle of robes before that

happened perhaps the stick being dragged along cobbles many many years ago when I was literally about 15 I went to a pub with my older brother, Terry, and there was a guy who did Johnny Cash well, I thought. And then halfway through the act, there was a break,

and then when he came back on, he did Roy Orbison. You could not get two more contrasting voices. And he was, as I recall it at least, he was brilliant at both. He was hidden away and smethic. What an odd amalgam. Yeah. This is one of the sort of almost only connect

or sort of pub quiz things. We're trying to figure out the name of a tribute band that could be two bands at once. Only the Lonely Connect. Only the Lonely Connect, yes. So we come on... Some play Rod. Well, they gave him his orders at Monro...

And later on... Yes, Rod! Really amazing. Yes, well, of course course as you may know my favourite ever tribute name that I saw was Shania Twin

which I thought really I wanted to do proxy music and did like a Roxy so I used to love Roxy that's a great one

but I couldn't I couldn't get the so what would you go simply Rod would you instantly go I'd go Stuart. It's going to have to be Stuart. But the simply, I agree with you, Josh,

it does add an extra layer of confusion. But he might be doing a Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison. Here's an idea for you boys. A nice little project you can be getting along with. What do you think they should call the Rod Stewart Tribute Act? I'm sure you two can put your little

heads together. I leave you gentlemen to it. I have to go out and visit the bathroom. It can be called Four Ears Home Back. We're talking

We've been talking Amongst other things About the Rod Stewart We believe it's a Rod Stewart tribute band Called Simply Rod Yeah And there are some

Other suggestions Flying around 740 Suggests Odd Stewart That's actually In angle One of our regulars That's good Do you like Odd Stewart. That's actually in angle, one of our regulars.

Do you like Odd Stewart? Yeah. Okay. Lee suggests Cod Stewart. Also clever. Clever. Because it's a cod one, yeah. Clever but slightly distracting for a lot of reasons. Jane Robinson. People might think it's a chip shop. That and other things.

Like Mr Cod, remember that? It's a bit Shakespearean as well, I'm not sure. Mr Cod, I knew the daughter of Mr Cod, Mees Cod remember that? It's a bit Shakespearean as well I'm not sure Mr. Cod, I knew the daughter of Mr. Cod Mies Cod and I said to her where's the pun? What's it about? There is a chip shop called the Codfather

Yes, and you know what? They've made the effort, respect Jane Robinson has also just come up with another tribute band that she's a fan of. It's Elvana. And they are an Elvis-fronted Nirvana tribute band who Jane says are superb.

What do you think of that? I like it. I've got... What about this for a Rod Stewart tribute tribute band the rod delusion that's nice i mean it's nice it's quite a radio four demographic well we've got a very smart audience sung in the style of richard dawkins um i don't know what that would be like. If you think I'm sexy, then prove it. I don't want you mixing up sexiness with the Rod Delusion. The Rod Delusion is quite pure.

And what I like about the Rod Delusion is it requires a second and third thought. Well, Dawkins says in his book that he read the entire book out loud to his wife, Lala Ward, former Doctor Who companion, Ramana too, if you're interested, and former wife of Tom Baker. But anyway, he read the whole book to her. I thought, the poor, poor soul. And now she doesn't believe in a kind God either. So I assume that the Rod Delusion would have to

do their entire set to Lala Ward before they went on to her for her approval. I first came across that book because I saw Trevor Nunn. Are you familiar with Trevor Nunn? Oh, of course. Familiar with Trevor Nunn?

I am. Do we need to explain who he is? Well, he's a major theatre director. I once saw him in a Pret-a-Manger, sitting there eating a sandwich. Sure. And he was reading The God Delusion. But despite that, and I googled it, and I thought, OK, despite that,

I still think he'd be a nice friend for you, Frank. Yeah. Would that... Well, he's called Non, so there's... LAUGHTER You know... Good start. Yeah, what you get on one side of the seesaw

is weighed out by the one on the other. I think so, so far, I've got to be honest, I'm starting to think the Rod Delusion is in the chair at the moment. Well, I don't want to get involved in gossip, but when Tom Baker was married to Lala Ward, a guy I know who was a friend of Tom said he met Tom, Tom was leaning against a bar in some place Tom was really one of the

like hung out with Francis Bacon and all that lot the colony club and anyway he said how's your marriage going he said oh no not that well you know maybe it was a mistake and all that like so where is she tonight he says she's sitting over there listening to

an audio book. That's not a great sign. This woman loves hearing books read out loud. She does. It might have even been swatted up in advance on the GD. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 482. Oh, can I just tell you one thing?

Sure. I was watching the cricket yesterday, which is from Bangladesh. And one of the lovely romantic things about cricket grounds now is the ends, the various stands in the thing, are named after all cricketers associated with that ground. Oh, lovely. in the thing are named after all cricketers associated with that ground so you know you might bowl from um the malcolm marshall end in in the west indies and stuff like that um and i thought i really like that immortalizing of the greats

so in this game they were bowling from the mr white detergent powder end. Oh, man. I love it when the sponsors just, they lose all moral confidence. They want to be everywhere and everything to be called us. Talking of which, how is your mascot, Boilerman? Is he no longer with you?

No, he's still operational. Oh, you still call him? Do you know this? But they called him Ideal Heating there instead of Ideal Boilers. Do you not know this, Pierre? No. Frank's football team, they have a mascot. West Brom.

Yeah. The football mascot is... Frank, do you want to explain briefly? Well, because our sponsorship was initially Ideal Boilers and then it went to Ideal Heating, our sponsorship was initially Ideal Boilers and then it went to Ideal Heating. We had

a mascot who was a gas boiler. A boiler? A big foam boiler? You know those white boxed in... Oh, like a cupboard boiler? Yeah. He dressed up as a boiler. He wasn't in. He didn't step out of a cupboard. He didn't want to

black rods act. No, no, that would be silly. Yeah, but... And little white leggings underneath. I always liked it. This might be the most sort of black country. Even the mascots have a sort of industrial workman element. Yeah, but too long of these characters

been exiled to the white goods room, to the utility room of life. So we've got him out there in the open. But we'll always have Baggy Bird, who is our number one. How dare you? But thank you for calling me your number one. I honestly wasn't talking to you. Can I tell you what we have done?

one i honestly wasn't talking to you can i tell you what we have done temporarily we have in some quarters removed the throstle the throsh from our badge why to show it's an rspb campaign or whatever no actually it's more than that it's a nature thing and it's to show what the world would be like without wildlife. So wolves have took the wolf off their badge. Aston Villa have taken the lion and we've removed... And Arsenal, we've taken the... Yeah, that would be a world without guns. Well, that's one we're looking at. Frank, 482, can I just quickly... Yes, please.

Hello, team. How about Rod Stewart? This is ideas for Tribute X. How about Rod Stewart and the wrong faces? I'll do the emphasis, the wrong faces. It should really be

the old faces, should it? I'm not sure. But no, it's the small faces. Oh, is it? I thought it was new faces. No, new faces was a high TV talent show. So what would you say about the wrong faces?

It should be Big Faces. It should be. And the Big Faces. Rod Stewart and the Big Faces with a backing group that included Jeremy Clarkson and Prince Andrew. Oh, dear. I don't know. I don't know which was the biggest mistake to mention

we can discuss that in the break Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli a Context of Show on 8, 12, 15 follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via frank at absoluteradio.15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio.

Email the show via Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Okay. Just another cover band idea for you. Okay. What about 894? Who's that supposed to be? How about this for a cover act? Facsimile.

It could be S Club 7. Sorry, carry cover act facsimile it could be a s club seven sorry carry on facsimile alan facsimile alan oh lily yes okay yes all right all right more delusion no i like it i like it um sorry so anyway, while we were off, you know I told you about me and my partner on a walking holiday. While we were away, our child stayed with Kath's sister and played with his cousin. Now, his cousin is a bit younger than my child, so he gives Buzz a chance to be not too grown up for a bit. Because when you're about 10,

you spend some of the time reading The Long Walk to Freedom and some of the time reading Spot. Yes. So they go around and they play act. So in the past, they've been Doctor Who and Companion and stuff like that. So my nephew, he's six, Buzz is ten. Normally the young one has to get the companion role.

Yeah, well, in that one he did. But my nephew Elliot has currently got a bit of an obsession going on. And so this week he got to choose because their play acting, they played Samuel Pepys and Charles II. How are you finding Hampstead? Samuel Pepys and Charles II. Yes.

We all grew up with our Samuel Pepys masks that we'd wear. Exactly. Big fake diary made of paper mache. Well, book die. I mean, no contest. Who was Charles? You know Samuel Pepys. Yes, that's why I never stand next to him at the urinal.

Do you know what? I think your Pepys material is very underrated. Thank you. So, yeah, Buzz had to be Charles II because Elliot is obsessed with Samuel Pepys. Who hasn't been there? Initially, Strangest Childhood Obsessions, 8, 12, 15.

Yes. For many, for quite a while, the girl next door to me actually thought my name was Davy Crockett. Why? The American frontiersman,

because that's what I told her, and constantly dressed as him, carrying a rifle, toy rifle. Anyway, not a trifle, a toy rifle. I didn't carry a trifle.

There was none of that in the frontier. It's one of the hardest things about the frontier. So yeah, Elliot's obsessed with the Great Fire of London. That's how he got onto Peeps. So they took the pair of them. Can I say I relate to that obsession?

Yeah, I love this. I used to write a lot of poems and long-form sort of pieces I would write about the Great Fire of London. And what I'd do, Frank, to make it look authentic, I'd burn the edges with my parents' cigarette lighter. Lovely. I'm slightly off-put by the Great Fire of London. Why?

Because the monument in London, which is to mark the Great Fire of London, until relatively recently, had a big plaque on the front saying, this fire was started by the Catholics. So they took that down eventually. I think you can now see it in the Museum of London. But we don't forget. That's what worries me about Catholic voices, about our dog.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio So they took Buzz and Elliot I'm hoping his parents is alright with me naming him Anyway, two right now By the way, we No, I think it's been

I think it's out there as it were Well, me and Kath were walking along the Thames path on our walking holiday, and there was a Fonron coming in the opposite direction. And a woman said, oh, hello, Poppy. And I thought, uh-oh. Turns out she'd been at the De Vere. No, she hadn't.

We don't know how she knew. I must have mentioned that my dog is called Poppy at some point on the show. I don't even remember mentioning that. But anyway, it was a bit freaky at first. No, I've had people say, oh, there's Raymond. Yeah, but we talk about Ray a lot. It's sort of implied that Poppy had her own life. It's one of her friends.

I don't like it when they get their own life. You don't know them. No, exactly. Oh, that's just somebody, yeah. So anyway, they took them to the British Library. Oh, yeah. To see Peep's diary. Yeah.

Yeah, Samuel Peep's diary, which is a nice idea, I thought. So they got there and the guy said something like, oh, you can't, the usual British library thing, you've got it but you can't look at it. It's being polished. Yeah, something like that. Like, well, I've just done a documentary about Alexander Pope and Jonathan Swift

and they've got some great alexander pope stuff and they wouldn't let us film any of it why good question so we only really do that with things that are you know we are exhibiting and stuff at the moment oh so it's a library yeah i thought it was encouraging people you know put doing a documentary about an 18th century writers that's what the brits what the british library should encourage anyway i don't know about that too late i own the british library what we all do don't we if we pay tax oh we're going down so anyway so we went in we went in and um she said we've come so we went in, we went in and she said,

we've come to see Samuel Peep's diary and he said whatever it was, or he wasn't old enough to go in or something like that. And she said, because he's a bit of a fan of Samuel Peep's. Six-year-old boy, remember? And the guy said, when was he born?

Really? And Elliot didn't know, so he went from pride to crestfallen. What's gone wrong with the British Library? 8, 12, 15. Let's get to the bottom of this.

It's a great institution, what's gone wrong? I mean, I don't like the aggressive question, hostile questioning of a child. Six-year-old? Encourage? Do you think the real staff are in a back room with hands tied behind their back

and sticking plaster over their mouth going, Mmm, mmm, let the boy, let the boy see the diary. Exactly. Watching it on the seas and then a tear falling down their cheek as they see Elliot's crestfallen face. Look, look, Frank in the Pope room. Shut up!

We're not encouraging people to read poetry and that's it. Every time someone's eyes look at this book it fades away a little more. Every time a child says they like something find a fact to us which they probably won't know the answer to six-year-old kid they're all proud that he knew samuel peeps was you bullies this is frank skinner this is absolute radio

By the way, on the suitcase front, David Baddiel did accept my suitcase delivered to his house. So when we got back from the walk, I went up to see him. It's about, like, I don't know, 10 o'clock at night. My feet were sore. I'd walked, like, 50 miles. And we got there. I had a lovely time. The whole family was there, smashing.

And then I said, right, I'm going now. It's about 11. Did you get a cup of tea or something? Oh, a cup of tea. I had homemade fritters. Anyway, I realised that because of my strong moral code, I couldn't wheel the suitcase home. I had to carry it, even though my feet were killing me.

And so thus I did. I shoved in the handle and carried it. I love the way you've rebranded this as a virtue. My strong moral code. Well, I really despise the whole luggage on wheels concept. Your Amish attitude to luggage developments. Yeah, at least I had to put it on the back of the cart. Yes.

So, yeah, I carried it home, much to Dave's amusement that I couldn't use the wheels. Oh, you carried the suit. It was a bit of a footprints in the sand moment. It was. Yes. It was. Frank, may I just briefly draw your attention to something that we were sent

midweek midweek specials this is from james and james says hi frank and team long time podcast listener as an englishman living in salt lake city utah Wow. Now, we were talking about the combination of tribute acts. I remember a joke on, they had an apocalypse special news on the two Ronnies. Of course they did. In which they did news about the end of the world. And he said so many people have been destroyed that the Jews and the Mormons have decided have been uh destroyed that the jews and the mormons

have decided to get together to form a joint church the headquarters will be in salt beef city they'll get jokes like that anymore anyway carry on um anyway james from salt lake city utah And Salt Lake City, Utah continues. I'm not sure if this is a thing, but I might have found a solid case of inverse nominative. Did I say that correctly? Yes. Thank heavens. Determinism. Yes. We should say nominative determinism is when your name seems to have led you into a career.

Like Gary Player, um golf player although you do think maybe Tiger Woods should have been better off with that surname oh dear anyway this is a an example James feels of James sorry of Salt Lake City, Utah feels, is an inverse example of this. OK. I was sitting in my local doctor's waiting room... ..when up on the screen appeared an advert for a doctor good enough. Whilst this is already a fairly unusual surname, the plot thickened when I saw his medical specialty as reconstructive surgery. The thought of good enough relating to reconstructive surgery made me think of you all as I thought you'd appreciate the irony.

I will let you take it from there. So I assume he means that people don't think they're good enough and that's why they don't go to Dr Goodenough. The idea of a reconstructive surgeon being called good enough. Yeah. It's a low bar. I don't want any doctor to be called good enough. It would be a whimsical attitude to have towards your own reconstructive surgery.

Doctor Laddle-do. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's basically how I used to look. No, it's a nice twist on it. Yes. Sorry, I was going to move on then. I was the first to appear.

The producer pinched me on that, just that, you know that fatty bit on the armpit? Yes. Just pinches that. It's what Leeds used to do at Corners. Oh, I baggy bit her. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. 940. We're getting on to, not a little off topic, but it's, you know, slightly on to nominative determinism here. We've got 940 or inverse, perhaps. There's a car salesman. I won't name the actual one at a Mercedes dealership. He names the area, but I don't know if I should, given that the salesman person is called Peter Conn.

Oh, that's a problem. Which is unfortunate. Yeah. To say the least. Oh, that's a problem Which is unfortunate, to say the least It started like there's a green-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu But it didn't quite go as well And then 083 is suggested for the Rod Stewart tribute band Fraud Stewart

Oh, not bad Works best in an American fraud, Stewart A bit better if it was somebody called Fred Right said fraud Or maybe an Irish gentleman Right said fraud is good Works best in an American fraud steward. It'd be better if it was somebody called Fred. Right said fraud. Or maybe an Irish gentleman. Right said fraud is good. Right said fraud. You'd be great at this.

That could be your job. By the way, I'm thinking of, you know that thing about asking Elliot when Peeps was born? I was looking, we were looking at a bargain bookstore near us, me and my son. He was about eight then. And he picked up a Robert Plant biography. As you do. Yeah.

And this guy, older guy, said, do you like Led Zeppelin? In a sort of a... And Buzz said, yeah. He said, okay, what's your favourite Led Zeppelin? In a sort of a... And Buzz said, yeah. He said, okay, what's your favourite Led Zeppelin song? And Buzz said, the Immigrant song. The bloke went, oh, that's good. It's good, mate.

Well, yeah, mate. Chew on that, mate. These people are strange. I'll show this child who's Buzz. You know what? You know what I want to do today is tell a child that I know more than them. Yeah. It's a sort of, it's a bookish version of the child catcher, the child catcher outer.

Yes. Yeah, yes. I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about the sort of mental, the attitude of the person at the British Library always to suggest these kids these days always bothering me about Samuel Pepys's diary. It's like a moment's work done because all the cool teens want to have a look at these historical documents. Well, talking of which...

Can I say, in essence, I love the British Library and I've had many many many happy times there but it's gone off terribly well that's because the real staff have been locked as you say in some basement kate dalton i could have held handwritten scripts by alexander pope, darling. I could have seen the book that he kept. He had, I think it was in six volumes, leather bound. It was every bad review and everything he'd heard said bad about him, which he kept.

He got his own publisher. He couldn't bind these for me, could you? This is pre-Twitter. Yeah, and he kept them all. And every now and again, he'd write a poem in which he destroyed all those people. One of his enemies. Yeah.

Oh, my God. It's really brilliant. Frank, we've had an email. And I'm doing a documentary and it starts on the 14th of March on Sky Arts. Oh, fabulous. Carry on. We've had an email in. And the subject line, we might have to use this as a teaser, is called, it's from Kate Dalton, subject line, bully tactics at the museum.

We'll come back to that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. OK, I left us on something of a cliffhanger. Mm-hm. Bully... Oh, why doesn't he start a business, Cliff, with hangers? That would be a great idea. Bully tactics at the museum. I could see Frank's little eyes lighting up at the thought of this one.

I'd have a cliff-rigged coat hanger. Would you have a cliffhanger? Yeah, that's what it'd be called, wouldn't it? Yeah, of course. Look, it's my company. Don't you start getting in on it no no i'm not i mean i said i would have one as it i would buy one not i'm having that you're not an idea thief um do you think in sue barker's autobiography which i own um do you yeah that's a Do you? Yeah, it was a gift. He went a bit coy, oddly coy.

Do you think, she says, and then I met this man, and then leaves a cliffhanger for the next chapter about going out with Cliff? No. Oh, no problem. Because she's not you. No, OK. Frank, do you want to hear the contents of Bully Tactics? You bet your sweet bippy.

Bully Tactics at the Museum. This is from Kate Dalton. Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. At a visit to the Tower of London this week, quite 70s that, I like it, we joined the free tour with a yeoman... Warder. Is that what we would call a beefeater?

Yes, but they're not the same. Oh, she said warden. It's a warder. Oh, she's thinking of the traffic warder. Is that what we would call a beefeater? Yes, but they're not the same. Oh, she said warden. It's a warder. Oh, she's thinking of the traffic warden. Okay, yeoman warder. The yeoman was have I said that correctly, Pierre? Thank you. The yeoman was midway through his speech about the tower

with all its terrible historical facts. Suddenly, he shouted at a teenage lad in the crowd watching. Don't keep on talking when I am talking. Do you hear me? Then pointed and shouted again. Do you understand or you can leave?

The lad had to answer him to say he understood while the rest of us squirmed and felt awkward to say the very least. I was instantly reminded of when you said last week never get angry on stage. Kate finishes by saying perhaps working in these museums as a front-facing

person is more stressful than it looks. Maybe, maybe it is. I was at the Tower of London once with a friend and we went. What had you done? Well I'll be honest with you, he's also a Catholic and we went to see the not always

open cell of St Thomas More. That's a nice date. Yeah. Nice date idea. I want to call him the beef eater because he had a red outfit on like a beef eater, like those teddy bears wearing gift shops. He went to the...

Can I just ask, did you arrange to meet at the cell? Did you text him and say, meet you at the cell at 2pm? So anyway, we went and the man told us about, you know, the St Thomas More's period there. But initially he was allowed to have writing materials and paper, but then in the end they took all that away from him. And I said, so how long did he have to survive in here

with no books or writing paper or anything? And he said, oh, I don't know. He just switched the light off. Really? And we all went out. That's not good enough. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable question.

It's like you said, where is this relationship going? I know. To a partner and they turned the light off and gone, oh. They're so touchy about the writing materials

of St Thomas More. Who would think that would start an argument? Anyway, it's been an interesting... But he's at the museum. What's that film called? Something at the museum. Night at the museum.

Well, there's night at the museum. Night at the museum, yeah. Fright at the museum, more like. Night at the museum. Night at the museum, yeah. Fright at the museum, more like. And also on this Wednesday, episode five of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast drops.

Oh. And this week I'll be talking about the current American poet laureate, Ada Limon. Oh, love her. It's a beautiful poem where she's driving down the road and she says, it starts to rain completely suddenly with no dark clouds, just suddenly it started raining. And she saw her mother take her raincoat off

and put it on her child. And that becomes a whole thing for how her mother has protected her her whole life. Anyway, that drops on Wednesday. You can download it from wherever you get your podcasts so thanks so much for listening this morning and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise

we'll be back again this time next week I'm off to the BFI to watch all six episodes of the Sea Devils good day to you