The Frank Skinner Show - Clifton Suspension Bridge

Episode Date: March 11, 2017

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is joined by the Cockerel and the Divine Miss Em. He had another birthday treat and radio show outing and judged Lets Sing and Dance for Comic Relief. The team talk Mary Berry's bolognese, tudor shoes and Frank's sat nav dilemma is cleared up.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This, however, is Frank Skinner. Not with memory, but with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. There was a memory joke there I wasn't prepared to make. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. But I tell you what you can't do, Go and ask me. What can't they do? What can't they do? What can't they do, Big Daddy? They can't text us.

OK. You reckon? Because we're not here. Right. It's a pre-recorded show. I'll be straight with you. I'd say they shouldn't text us. I mean, I bet they can.

They can text us. They can do what they like, Big Daddy. I think they shouldn't. Don't throw good money after bad. That's my advice. That's a great bit of advice. There you go. Love it.

That's the Cockerels brand. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, with pre-recording, I apologise for that. Normally, I disapprove of, you know, DJs coming in when they've got a comfortable minute. You're a busy man. I like to get up early on a Saturday and I like, you know,

read the papers. I'll tell you who really hates it. Talk about Arge going missing. Can't do that on a pre-record. You'd have been found by the time we got broadcast. Yeah, true. The writers really hate it because it makes their turn around a bit quicker, doesn't it?

Well, they have to be so quick off the mark, the writers. Where are they? Where are they have to be so quick off the mark, the writers. Where are they? Where are they hosed, the writers? They keep a low profile. Well, they only write for us. We don't let them write for anyone else. I think we kept a low profile. Yeah, who?

Quasimodo. They kept a very low profile. Goal, goal, goal. Yeah. You've had a week of it, Frank? What am I wearing? Oh, wow. On 0898, what am I wearing?

What am I wearing, guys? Why don't you call me to find out? I'm waiting for your call. I'm going to stop doing that because there might be some unsavoury types. Yeah, who thinks? I could have had that all night. I don't want to hear it in the morning. Come on, guys.

Why don't you call me now? Get a better line. And also sit still. Stop jumping up and down on your bottom all over yourself. Okay, I'm wearing what you're wearing, Frank. Yes, and what Charlie's wearing. And what Sarah's wearing.

But not what Alan's wearing. Would you like to read out our T-shirts? Maybe look at Frank's because it's less embarrassing. I'm going to read it off Frank's because it's written across the chest. Gilbert O'Sullivan and then a big red G and then it says 50 years at the bottom. It's very fetchy. Come on! Gilbert O'Sullivan

has been performing for 50 years. Has he? And we went to see him on Sunday night at the Barbican. This, we should say, was Frank's birthday outing number five. Yeah, my birthday outing. My birthday was 28th of January. This was March the 5th or 6th. Really rinsing it, aren't you?

There was a wonderful moment, Al, during the evening where Frank did actually turn round. I was laughing. Oh. I must laughing... Oh! I must say, the producer is having one of the worst days anyone's ever had in broadcasting. Hang on. You obviously haven't met some of my

friends. You might want to Google broadcasting history as well. Is there actual arm fall-off? What are you holding up a sign that says Top Gear for? Yes. Her arm fell off. What are you holding up a sign that says Top Gear for? Yes, her arm fell off. Anyway, before Charlie's arm fell off, I was telling you how we, at the gig, Frank did something so brilliantly childish,

I know you find that hard to believe. He turned around at one point and went, this is my birthday, you know. It is my birthday outing, because he hadn't given enough attention to that. Well, nobody wished me happy birthday just because it was two months ago. Well, yeah. It was a birthday outing.

You can see he was quite annoyed. Yeah, he's giving me that stare as if to say, I didn't get a text from you on the day, actually. Every time he goes out and has any birthday meal, you have to text him. Alan couldn't even be bothered to turn up. What about that?

What about that? On my birthday outing. It's great if on my birthday outing I'd actually come out. That'd be lovely, wouldn't it? Because it's a nice, a clean break, you know. I was, I was... Anyway, perhaps not too much detail this time. We'll tell you about the gig in a minute,

but I just want to say I'd like to trail it by saying Frank got mobbed. It was a bit Bieber-mania. Did it? Yes. How exciting. Yeah. Yes. Is mob the right word?

I would say. I see my mob. Five outside the toilet. Five outside the toilet, which you may know was my second single. I don't know if you remember that. Five outside the Toilet. Five Outside the Toilet, which you may know was my second single. I don't know if you remember that. Five outside the toilet, three inside the cubicle and one inside my heart. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Gilbert O'Sullivan at the Barbican.

Well, should we remind the younger readers, our younger readership, Frank, who Gilbert O'Sullivan is, in case some of them don't know who he is? OK, shall I give you a brief synopsis? Yeah. Claire, the moment I met you Told you once before and I won't tell you no more Get down, get down, get alone again. Naturally, that's matrimony.

If I gave up this seat, I've been saving. There, I think, is a fair little... Who needs Apple music when you think about it? That was excellent. Frank's Dive Bunny. Yeah. I mean, you doing that saved me the 450 miles round trip that I could have done for it on Sunday.

You said you couldn't be bothered. I think he's one of the great British pop songwriters of all time. I don't think that would be an exaggeration. I agree. He's a brilliant singer-songwriter. There he goes. And also, we should say, he wrote one of the great brackets songs. Yes.

He did what? When we were talking about brackets last week. I do remember him very well. How could you forget? Yeah, he wrote, alone again, open brackets, naturally close brackets. Yeah.

Which, in a way, is a more justified act of bracketry than some of the ones we talked about last week. Listen, after the backstage reception we got from GOS, I've got, I haven't got a bad word to say about him.

Yeah. I mean, I have nothing bad to say about that man. I'm going to start saying GOS instead of OMT. I don't like it. It's not blasphemous.

It's, in fact, it's a very acceptable homage. Yeah. What I liked, we took the millennials, obviously Sarah and Charlie, and I thought it was good for them. They heard songs about a cup of tea, matrimony.

They're used to in the club, past the courvoisier, these sort of people. Even past the courvoisier, it's probably before their time. Yes, it probably is. They think that's some retro. Yeah, that's like a glimpse of stocking to them. Yes. But this was good for them to see how things were

in our day, Frank, and I think they were nice. They liked the music in the end. They came around, they were dancing. I think they liked the music maybe because it was a birthright for me and they wanted to join in. Look at Grandad loving it. How dare you

talk about me like that? But I absolutely... You know, I think my relationship with Gilbert... GOS. I've been singing him for 50 years. He's one of the people I sing around the house. Oh, really? Yeah, more than anything.

And even like... I sing the middle eight from Ooh Whacka Do Whacka Day probably every day of my life. Really? Frank, I don't think you'll mind me saying this, Frank. Frank had a little tear, so did I. I cried at Claire. Oh, I cried at We Will.

Frank also cried at Alone Again Naturally. Of course. It was the brackets. That got me. It reminded me of that bow-legged woman I went out with in Smethwick in the 1980s. And the mobbing, Alan. I mean, I've never

seen him go down like that. There were bus passes flying everywhere. He was so popular. He found his demographic. Wasn't he, girls? There were queues. Queues for selfies. It turns out me and Gilbert, we're basically calling in the same crowd. Great.

Yes. Yeah. He got a lot of love on his birthday, didn't you? Well, not as much as I've had in the past on my birthday. But, you know. Gilbert got up on the keyboard at one point. He stood. He stood on the keyboard. He stood on the keyboard.

And we were literally shouting, get down, get down, get down. I mean, with fear in our voices. Right. But he didn't care. That was loud. I have photos of him. Can we put those on social media? Of course we can.

I don't know if photography was actually allowed at the bar. I am now. It's such a toffee nose. Oh, sorry. No, it's a lovely, it's a lovely acoustics. They're absolutely marvellous. I remember I saw a rebel balleret out there in the summer days.

Yeah. Sorry, has my mic gone a bit funny? What next? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. What, er, how can I put this delicately? If Gilbert O'Sullivan's been performing for 50 years,

what kind of age bracket is he himself in? He's early 70s, I would say. And he was standing on a keyboard. I was interested in the age. The older I get, the more interested I am in the age. I think he might be 69, Frank. Oh, is he? Oh, maybe I've done him early 70s.

Maybe 70. Oh, I can't remember. But he's got some miles on the clock and he's still jumping I've done him that. Maybe 70. Oh I can't remember. But he's got some miles on the clock and he's still jumping about on the furniture and that's great. I know and it wasn't like it was a grand piano it was quite, you know, it was an electric piano. I mean I

wouldn't have been totally confident of its sturdidity. I mean I was mocked and pilloried when we all used to watch Coldplay and I just got obsessed by Chris Martin's range of motion when he was squatting down and back up. He's an incredible athlete. Yeah, but he's like those people who do yoga.

He can't stop going on about it. And these grapple people, they've got to bring it up every year. He is a bit of a yoga ball. But now here we've got Gilbert O'Sullivan with Dancing on the Furniture. Malarkey. That's impressive as well. That wasn't until the very end.

No, we did it at the end. The musicians in the band, there were a lot of men. I like a man over 55 in a waistcoat. Okay. I'm a big fan of that. You should watch Billiards. Yeah, yeah.

You'd love it. They're a bit Satini, Frank, for me, that waistcoat. Satini? Satini. Oh, sorry, I thought Satini was a well-known waistcoat manufacturer that I'd missed out on that you obviously would know about. Yeah, obviously. No, they're a bit... I don't like those ones quite so much.

You know, I like more of a tapestry vibe. I see, I like an 80s female comedian in a glittery waistcoat. That's the look I... I would buy any book called Waistcoats. Would you? Would you? I'm obsessed because I think I like what you've just said, all those things I would read about.

What about Top Cat? Did anyone ever commit to a waistcoat? Nothing but strawboats at waistcoat. He didn't want to tamper with it it's like when you have a nice piece of cheese don't have a biscuit

just have the cheese savour it you've got a nice waistcoat forget about the rest of the clothes I mean that's not really you can't do that in the human world

but for cats I think that's totally fine isn't it I'd like to think that he strides across both worlds top cat but the confidence

speech for example I think he's I was going to say the confidence of the across both worlds, Top Cat. But the confidence... Speech, for example, I think he's... I was going to say the confidence of the man, but he's not, he's not a man, he's a cat. He is a cat. I like the confidence of just wearing the slightly square waistcoat as well. I think, to be honest, he only bothers with the waistcoat so he can put in the coin on a string.

He's got somewhere to keep that. Where he'd keep that otherwise, he might get it in the hat band. Other than that, he's going to have to do some serious clenching. Let's not get started on Benny in the polo neck. No, no. I haven't got the time.

But it was, I tell you what. That's chooch. Yeah. His full name was Choo Choo, but he was known as Chooch. I think we should get all the subjects of Chooch. I think we've... This is another unfortunate... Our references are getting too obscure, finally.

Top Cat. Who doesn't know Boss Cat? Yeah, when Top Cat became the Boss Cat, what happened? I'll read a book on that. Obviously there was a licensing problem. What about when we went back at the Gilboa Sullivan gig? I mean, it was one of the finest going-backs I've ever had.

Well, I'm always anxious about going back. Yeah. Because you never know what you're going to find backstage. And what did we find? Harry Hill was there. No. Yeah. What are the chances of that happening?

Frank Skinner on the radio. There was a lovely family atmosphere backstage at the gig. We will stop talking about the gig eventually. It's fine. But we just got to the bit where Harry Hill had turned up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then there was Gilbert's wife there.

Yeah. It was lovely. Two daughters. Yeah. All gathered. And the brother. Children running around. I like that. At the show? Yeah. Wow. All gathered. And the brother. Children running around. I like that. At the show?

Yeah. Wow. Very friendly. I'll tell you what I like to burn in myself. It's what I like to see in a songwriter. He had a pen in the top pocket. Oh, good. I mean, that's what you want.

He might have got that off Harry Hill, to be fair. I think he might have got it off Michael Parkinson. But no, that was reassuring. I like the idea of uh gilbert adding the odd minim yeah here and there any moment you might get an idea oh man that's great i love i've always i think do you have to always have the pen and the notepad in the pocket i try to i try to and if not then there's notes in the phone now as well isn isn't there? There's all sorts of... I started using the Yellow Note facility. Yeah. It's a legal pad, isn't it, in function?

But I think nothing beats the original notebook. Indeed. Yeah. Oh, it's lovely. Yeah. Of course, I got a very nice one for my birthday. Do you remember my birthday? I do, yeah.

I got a very nice one from Emily Dean. Yeah. Lovely. What does it say on it, Frank? It says Big Daddy. Thank you. Yes. Shirley Crabtree which is

what it could it could refer to worse things yeah I am I tell you what it was a lovely moment Al at the end of the

gig Gilbert gathered the band around him and they did that thing which you've probably seen many times they locked arms and bowed you know that? oh good yeah i think the who was the first band i ever saw do it but no it's a yeah off scene and we did the the radio family we did the same we did

the same and we thought of you so we looked up and we synchronized bows with them it was it was love it was a bit like the man city crowd when they turned their back and did that. It was a bit like that, but we kept face forward. It's one of the few embraces you can have with a woman, I think, in the 21st century with a completely clear conscience. Oh, I see. I'm glad you added that last bit.

Arm around the shoulders and bear all in the same direction. Yeah. Frank made a great observation Which was when they introduced the band They always say, and on drums Mr, they always say Mr Mr Rod Quinn Yeah, they like a Mr

On guitar, Mr Bill Shanley And then to the back end, and Miss Why do they do that? In case you're writing a letter to them Why didn't he say esk? Esk at the end. Yeah. No, but that's...

I've seen many people do that. It can't be... On drums, you've got Mr... It can't be about the letter-writing thing, because surely there's some, you know, musician that's got a doctorate in music as well, and I've never seen a band going, on drums, we've got doctor...

Is it a sort of... Well, they weren't particularly... They weren't especially androgynous, though, were they? If it had been the New York Dolls, you could see he was just trying to establish it so that people could decide... The avoidance of doubt. They could decide which gate they went through afterwards,

like when they vote in the House of Commons. But no, there was none of that. Perhaps me and the Johnsons or something. Yeah, exactly. to Commons. But no, there was none of that. Anthony and the Johnsons or something. Yeah, exactly. No need for the clown. Oh, Anthony

and the Johnsons. I fell down the stairs and it hurt me. Anyway, Anthony and the Johnsons there. Ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest

fringes of all time. I can't remember his fringe. Oh, have a look. You'll soon remember it. Just a little bit off the fringe. Kind of a trailblazer for the emo fringe. Yeah.

He's quite emo, though. Yeah, definitely. He's solo now, I think. Oh. I thought that was some euphemism for something I don't mean I'm not I don't mean at this

specific moment in time I mean generally career wise Frank Skinner on the radio so anyway it was a great night Al

yeah Al sounds really good the get down when he did get down at the end that was absolutely and we got up

because we're crazy characters that we are we danced we danced Frank got some was that when he was we got up because we're crazy characters that we are. We danced. We danced. Was that when he was up on the furniture? We were all up. Oh, goodness. Any excuse for a get down.

Frank got some merchandise and he likes it when he gets his little package of things. Gilbert signed it with a gold pen, didn't he? Yes.

So I had program, CD, T-shirt. He had his sash. He was such a competition winner. It was adorable. And as we were leaving, I gave him a lift back in my Benz

and some Frank stepped into the road rather dramatically no no care for concern for oncoming traffic

it was quite it was quite silly children if you're listening don't just step into the road why did you do that Frank and I said to Frank I know why you've done that well there was dripping water and I was worried it was going to land on my autograph.

So I actually stepped in front of oncoming traffic. Now, I said, if I'd have died, can you imagine Emily having to say, well, he was protecting his Gilbert O'Sullivan autograph. It's what he would have wanted. What he said was this would have given you a great anecdote with a note of regret in his voice. Yes, it's true. It would have given you a great anecdote with a note of regret in his voice. Yes, it's true. It would have given me tremendous sadness as well. Well, not a bad way to go though, after a two month long birthday

celebration. No, exactly. To go, I bet I wouldn't be the first person who's died shielding a Gilbert O'Sullivan autograph from secondary rainfall. Would you? Well, I might be the the first I suppose that is possible oh I'd love to play

get down now we really did we got down to get down we had a lovely all four of us dancing away it was thanks got the moves

like Jagger was there room was there room for dancing it wasn't road seating well they're very considerate in the Barbican because I think they know you've got more stuff

when you get older. So there's room for coats and bags and bigger legs maybe. Yeah, bigger legs. Tartan blankets. Yeah, exactly. Additional stools. There's a cankle trough. Special cankle trough for the elderly to get into.

I tell you, I'd like to have a get... Maybe we'll get Get Down as a jingle I think we could use that any excuse if only people asked me for duvet advice more often I'd have more opportunities to say Get Down

that would be useful well I am going I am in the market for getting a new duvet so I'll take your advice, thank you This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I am in the market for getting a new duvet, so I'll take your advice. Thank you. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Of course, the other thing I did that weekend, oh, what a weekend it was, was I judged,

despite the advice in Matthew's Gospel, I judged. And I suppose, inevitably, I myself was judged. I saw it and I think you were marvellous. Thank you so much. I mean, I think everyone thought you were marvellous. It went very well, I think we can say. Did you bring up the... He stormed it.

Did you bring up the Matthew's gospel? I didn't, actually. That doesn't get enough mainstream TV coverage. How long before we can get on to Russell Grant? I'm waiting here, really patiently. No, let's begin with, let's top load. I've been waiting for four days. I don't have that much more patience left in me.

I don't suppose you caught it. I didn't see it, sadly. It's okay. Thanks again for your support. I don't suppose you caught it, Al? I didn't see it, sadly. It's okay. Thanks again for your support. We had three meetings planned last weekend.

You only turned up for one, the one you were paid for. What does that tell you? Anyway, it's all for charity, Al. It was extraordinary. It's a good cause. I'm not a guinnet. I just was busy. You're not a guinnet, but if you take the in out of that...

I'm not in it. You're right, I'm not in it. I mean, where do I begin to tell the tale of Russell Grant? I mean, do you know... I know Russell Grant.

I know that cultural figure. Firstly, Frank, you had Boom Shake the Room. Boom Boom Shake the Room. As soon as they came out, are they all stable mates, Frank? Yes, we're talking, Alan's looking very confused there. This was Ricky and Melvin from Kiss Breakfast.

Oh, right. They did Boom Shake the Room. Excellent. Are you familiar with that? Yes. Now, as soon as they came out, I thought, that's a banker. Because I do that karaoke and it's a real crowd pleaser. People love that.

Do you? Yeah, I do. It was great. Well, they didn't just do that. They did a... I know, they did a medley. A Will Smith medley. Yeah.

Did they? Excellent. A tribute. A fitting tribute, I would say. The only thing I missed... He's not left, has he? No, no. I did miss the bit where he drags the dead alien

across the desert by a parachute. They didn't include that. They didn't do that. Which was an omission. Tricky to recreate that. You know when the axe gets up onto the judge's table and get right in your face?

I think it's fair to say Helen Ledger did that, didn't she? It wasn't Helen Ledger. It was her compadre. Yes, it was the Anita Fritz dog. Was that the name of the brunette?

In ABBA. She did the splits in front of Frank, basically. She did the splits, absolutely. And do you know what? Now, this could be a coincidence, but she did the splits on the desk in front of me and afterwards I couldn't find my red nose. Now, I don't know where it's gone.

It's true. It's it's gone it's true it's absolutely true it's true and if you listen if you find it I don't want it back that's absolutely true I haven't made that up it was my red nose disappeared and three pages from my notebook were you expecting that? for you. And three pages from my notebook.

But, you know, it was... Were you expecting that? I... That was quite a shock, something of a shock I would imagine. Well, I'd seen the dress rehearsal

but she just, she didn't do, I mean, like all professionals she held back. She kept her powder dry. You don't want to be doing the splits

twice in an afternoon. No. Unless you're wearing desert boots on a wet pavement. Oh. Yeah. Then you kind of stop with it. But Russell Grant, he did miss Diana Ross. He did miss Diana Ross.

He did miss Diana Ross' chain reaction. He did, yeah. Did he? And as you may know, I'm familiar. And when I say D. Ross, no, no. No. I'm a big fan of Russell's, as you may know, I'm familiar. And when I say D-Ross, no, no. I'm a big fan of Russell's, as you know. Oh, me too. And you are too.

I went to his show in Edinburgh. We follow each other on Twitter. Brilliant. I describe us as showbiz pals. Excellent. And I loved his performance. Me too. He went for it.

He was on fire at one point. He was not. Yes. He was. He was actually on fire. Sounds like a health and safety nightmare. Well, we didn't get the chance to vote for him. If I'd have had the chance,

I don't think I could have ejected Russell because he was brilliant. When I watch him, it makes me realise how much personal dignity holds people back in life. LAUGHTER how much personal dignity holds people back in life. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter,

at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, but you know what? Don't text today. Don't text because I'll be straight with you we ain't at home this is a pre-recorded show and texting us would just release words into the ether yeah that's the point speaking of which i think i just got a hiccup whilst you were doing your uh like You know, the sort of top of the hour? Did you? I think I might have very quietly hiccuped. That's all right.

It's hardly a tummy rumble, but it's a start. No, yeah, I don't mind. Just putting that out there for the fans. I think people... Great hopes from tiny acorns and all that. People, I told you not to tell anyone about them. I had to have a blood transfusion last time. So it was...

Did you enjoy the judging experience? You know what, I did. Because I got a few laughs. I'll be straight with you. You did? Good. Not an easy environment to get laughs in. No, but there was one particularly interesting laugh,

which, you know, sometimes you get a laugh that bears some analysis. I did a joke. I'm going to repeat one of my own jokes, but I'm doing it for forensic purposes. I actually like it when you do this. You know what? Let's get that joke on the table and etherise it. OK, let's see if I can think of a suitable jingle

for this joke. Perfect. Perhaps combined with... I like it, I like it. Who does this to their jokes, Adam? And, you know, I'm 60, but... Oh, anyway. Oh, my God, how did he do this?

Here was the joke. Sarah Pascoe was on stage, right, and she was doing Chandelier. She had a great voice, it turned out. Yeah. Don't know that song. Who knew? Who knew?

I don't even know the song. Who's Chandelier by the way? Sia. Sia, yeah. I wanna swing. Turns out I don't have a great voice. She was brilliant. I'll be my ears are bleeding. Oh, shut up. I want a swing. Turns out I don't have a great voice. She was brilliant. My ears are bleeding.

Oh, shut up. I'll be all right in a minute. Maybe that red nose is in there. No, it's a great song, and she sang it beautifully, and she did a swing on the chandelier at the end, Errol Flynn style. Excellent. She actually swung.

But in order to get up there, the backing singers knelt. Some knelt very low, and some knelt slightly less low, thus forming a staircase which he climbed up. It was a bit like the Olympics, you said. And I said, get this, I said... Oh, God. Just to get everyone's attention in case someone's making their breakfast.

It's just awful. Oh, yes, oh, yes. I said I never thought I'd see Sia supported by steps. OK. Yeah. You with me? I got it at the time. I liked it at the time.

Now, but the laugh was not the sort of laugh you get for a funny joke, so much as someone sort of admiring the feat of engineering. Like you've finished a Sudoku or something. Yeah, we have a proper comedy laugh, obviously, is Del Boy falling through the flap on the bar. This was more like the sort of laugh

that the Clifton Suspension Bridge might get, should it ever get a laugh. Sort of, oh, ho, ho. Yeah. It was appreciative. It was. And I found that I enjoyed that. There's a sort of bit of admiration in it rather than a got feeling. Good.

So that was about four minutes we gave to the, I like preparation for the analysis of the joke. Oh. So it was a good night. Yeah. I tell you, funny and thin. I've never been happier.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake. So I tell you, I'll tell you one of the unexpected pluses of doing Let's Sing and Dance for Comet Relief. I got a free

haircut. Lovely. I know. Did you? I did. Not only that, but it was cut by the man who does the Strictly haircuts. I wonder what all those blonde extensions were. Yeah. He did a great job

I think yeah it's nice I used to try and look like Elvis in my mind that was it but now I'm sort of Samuel Beckett is what I've I think you've got to be sensible you've got to work with what you've got I can tell a pro's how to go with it can you? I can I can tell the difference can you Al? yeah definitely

and also is there not a benefit because you know one of the reasons that I dislike going to the hairdressers is the enforced bonhomie, like 40 minutes of small talk with somebody that I have very little in common with except for that 40 minutes of small talk. From the man who does corporates.

I've got bills. But presumably, with it being the guy or girl I've got bills. presumably with it being the guy that does or girl I've got bills the Strictly the best in his child that does the Strictly hair

presumably you get gossip yeah there was a bit of that excellent but all I mean all quite nothing he didn't he didn't he didn't release

but you know we were able to bathe in the world of Strictly which I very much see that sounds quite good fun I would happily have a haircut under those circumstances so it's a he is it?

it was a he yeah he's done a very good job thank you so much I think you need to go back there well I don't know if that's possible I can't just turn finding out his work diary and doing whatever shows he's on I suppose I could just do Strictly in order to get my haircut

exactly when you do Strictly you've got to have an incentive to stay in the show. And you think, my hair's going to get a bit long, I must do Blackpool. Whatever happens. Yeah, exactly. Frank, you could do with the trim around the sides. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

I was trying to find out if they'd got to replace him for Len yet, but he was so... Oh, cagey. I will be guarded. Mary Berry, apparently he's doing it. Really? No, I don't think so. He might have thought that you were trying to get a shoe in for Len's role rather than being on the thing.

Well, you were a very good judge. Yeah, but I don't know if I'd be... I like it when on Strictly they talk about, that was a lovely reverse peccadilla. Yes. And all that. I'd love to have that technical chat at my fingertips

but I'll tell you what I was reminded of because I said to him I said what I like

is three around the side back and sides on clippers and just a little bit off the top he said fine he just did it

there's no debate oh good often people will say they look at my age and they say three is that a bit much for you? Yeah.

Do it. Yeah. And I was reminded of the golden hour. I'll tell you what, maybe we can... Well, he's done it, but in a less counselly way. Thank you. Whatever happened to... Whatever happened to those photographic portfolios of haircuts

that one used to be handed in her hairdressers? Yes! And you'd see people sitting, like, waiting for their haircut, leafing through the plastic pages. Yeah. Always the plastic pages. And there was blokes with the neatest partings you have ever seen in your life.

I mean, they were... And sometimes you used to get them in the window. So you could go, oh, that's a nice haircut. I'm going here. And very thick hair. Matt Berry hair. Yeah. Huge partings, big tashes.

What happened to those? You got the hair magazines as well, Frank. I would love to walk into a hairdresser's now, say Mr Topper, nine quid a time, and say, Aldi, where's the hair magazines as well, Frank. I would love to walk into a hairdresser's now, say Mr Topper, nine quid a time, and say, Aldi, where's the hair portfolio? And often they were black and white as well. Where's the yellowing shot of the man with the moustache? What was that?

There was always a yellowing shot in the window or at the top of the man with the moustache. Normally in a sort of hair by Leonard of Enfield let's say. Oh well I didn't. You were going there. I never went there. But I would Too dear for you. Well nor did I but I'm making it up. Don't text us. It's a generic terrible hairdresser's.

Don't text us but I'd love to know via Twitter or email we can talk about it next week. How many people actually have had a haircut from the hair portfolio? Have actually selected one? Oh, come on. I mean, funny life was always that simple.

Frank Skinner on the radio. During the last link, you said, I would like to hear from your emails and Twitter about haircuts and we can talk about it next week, which I like. I like the idea of, we've got one subject rolled over the pocket in snooker terms. Yeah, exactly. I just like

to bring people in. I've always been like that in all contexts. It gives the writers so much to get cracking on, doesn't it, until those emails come in. I don't know what we're paying them for. When's the first script going to turn up? We're so late with the delivery. I'll tell you what we're paying them for. But I'll tell you what... When's the first script going to turn on? It's so late with the delivery. I'll tell you what we do need to talk about this week because it's hot off the press.

It's Jermaine. We need to have some Bolognese news. Bolognese. Do you know what? He's rubbing my face in that Bolognese. I am somewhat. I was mocked and derided for saying Bolognese and I'll admit that I do say it with a certain amount of...

A bit pretentious, moi. Joie de vivre. Joie de vivre. Well, God, it's very pro-EU, this topic. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's subliminal. Yeah. Aber natürlich.

But there's been a berry Bolognese brouhaha, hasn't there? Lovely. For headline writers. Oh, I see you working for the sun. Fans of alliteration. He actually works for the sun, though. a Berry Bolognese brouhaha hasn't there lovely for headline writers oh lovely you're working for the sun fans of alliteration he actually works for the sun now

well yeah yes the papers and the Twittersphere have gone wild that Mary Berry's everyday foods programme

yes I don't know what it's called in which she made Bolognese I think it's called is it called Mary Berry

every day yes I believe it is yeah which she is Bolognese. I think it's called, is it called Mary Berry Every Day? Yes. I believe it is. Yeah, which sounds... Which she is, of course. Yes, she is. Unless she's signing on, but she's not. I'm only Mary Berry, you know.

I do it, I've done it Halloween twice. I think that's it. Oh, gosh, I might do it this year. No, I've lost a stone and a half. Well, there you go. Yeah, I've got the pocker. Oh, you've got it. She got a lot of backlash. That's the wrong. Yeah, I've got the pocker. Oh, you've got it. She got a lot of backlash.

It's the wrong coconut. Isn't it the pocker? Yeah, Jamie Oliver. Pocker, yeah. She got the... The hate has gone hate, Al. She put some ingredients in there that people,

I'm not saying that they're right, I'm not saying they're wrong, that people suggest that it's not the right ingredients for a Bolognese. I mean, I wouldn't know. Well, I would. It sounded sort of right to me.

Double cream and white wine is carbonara. Is it really? That better not be French for excellent. I don't want to have a go at Emily Dean and I'm no chef. I was told no cream in carbonara either.

No cream in carbonara? Egg. What sort of chefs are you fraternising with? Somebody that's good at cooking. But anyway, I'm not suggesting you're not. I find that hard to believe. No, you know, I'm not. It wasn't a chef-chef.

That means he's made up. It was a book. Oh, come on. It was Andy Zaltzman. The comedian Andy Zaltzman. He's no chef. Andy Zaltzman. He's giving... Andy Zaltzman, the comedian Andy Zaltzman. He's no chef. Andy Zaltzman. Andy Zaltzman, just because he's got a bit of salt in his name.

He's making the man a chef. Carbonara tip, no cream, just egg. My surname's Dean. I'm not a member of the clergy. Come on. Can't use that old excuse, Frank. Zaltzman makes him a chef. This is difficult for me because food is something I've basically sidelined in my life.

And felt much better for it. I know. You know when I was at that Girls the Musical the other week? Yeah. There was fish and chips. Oh, you turned it down. I'm on a regime, I said. You never said that. That's what I said.

You said I'm on a regime. I said to serving staff sorry I'm on a regime. It's very serving staff, sorry, I'm on a regime. It's very enjoyable. The trick is to just say, I don't want it. No, I didn't. That would have been rude. That was a suggestion. I love Fitting Juice, but not that version.

But no. Once the regime's been brought up, I think people don't bring it up again in case you're ill. Oh, I think you'll bring it up again, though. Oh, God, yeah. So anyway, so it's the double cream and white wine. People are saying, I can't imagine that in a Bolognese.

Really? Me neither. I... I... You won't be having white wine, or we'll all be in trouble. No, but it disappears in the cooking, I think, is the idea.

And you won't be having the double cream unless you want to go back to wearing the big trousers. Look, I won't be having this dish at all. I looked it up on the BBC website. 633 calories. Forget about it. So 70 is counting calories. 633. Do you know how many calories there are in a Mars bar?

No, but is it in more than Slim Sear bread, which I imagine you're eating? 145. Let me guess. 260. I knew that. I was going to say 255. Don't play how many calories with me, sweetheart. Well, 633 in Mary's homemade doodad. I mean, she's not eating it.

Look at her, stick thin. She's a feeder, Mary. She's staying there, like that sort of, you know, very svelte. Okay, there's a shadow of Yoda. But very svelte-looking woman. Obviously, she does not eat a lot of double cream. And big hair, because she has extensions. Does she really?

She admits to, I believe, yes. You hope. There you go. You hope. Otherwise, you've just outed her on the way to having extensions. No, she does admit to it. I love her. There's no shame in it.

Fade closer. Paved the way for us all. I think the nation loves her. You know why? Why? She's the parent who stayed. Yes. Oh, love it. And then the other one,

nominative determinism, poor Hollywood. Yes. He's the one who went chasing the bright lights, but she stayed and looked after us, you know? That's right. When we got back from school, Mary was there.

Yeah. And that's why we'll always love her. Frank Skinner on the radio. You might be able to hear me scribbling. I'm just writing down Mary Berry's spag bol 600 plus calories. Is that what you said it was? 6.33. As in the squadron.

I'm trying to overeat. I'm trying to hit a calorie surplus. People always say that. They don't. Liars. No, genuinely, I'm trying to hit a calorie surplus. But that's a lot. Come on, boys.

That is a lot. I mean, is it a lot, though? How much would a normal trad spag bol have? Can I say? Yeah. 500? Pocostate and kidney pie. Oh, yeah.

5.16. Is it? Less. Well, that's not bad. No. It's not bad at all, love. So I'd say she's cranking up the cals. Great.

Well, your white wine, that'll do it. And your double cream. I mean, come on, that's 400 calories there. I had no idea that it was controversial to put white wine and cream in that bottle. It feels sort of creamy-ish, doesn't it? It's a bad bottle. Yeah. Does it?

Don't look at me like that. That's sort of ridiculous. It doesn't feel creamy. It's more tomato-based. A bigger doubt for it would be me like that it's ridiculous it's more tomato based a bigger doubt for it would be whether or not it's everyday I mean I bridle at being told stuff's everyday anyway I don't like to do anything I never bridle

I think it's is it bridle or bristle have I said the wrong thing? I think you can do both I can if I want you're right of course if you had it without the pasta at the risk of sounding a bit food-boring here, then it's fine. It's fine anyway.

Well, anyway. Is it? I don't eat a lot of pasta, but I am the sort of person that says things like, I don't eat a lot of pasta. Well, what about Antonio Carluccio wading in? Bless you. What about him?

Is he the man who owns, let me guess, Carluccio's? Yes. Normal to determine, isn't it? Yes, exactly. He said, oh, my seat's just gone down. Did he? See, if that was misheard, people would think his shares had gone down, then you've got to run on, and that's how companies fall for no reason. I'm just looking down.

I've just found your red nose down here, Frank. At last. He said that we've ruined it. The Brits have ruined Bolognese. It's not the only thing the Brits have ruined. What about my career? What about the world? He said by putting bay leaves in it.

He has a real thing about bay leaves. I think I've told you before about my terrible bay leaf experience. No. You had the bay leaf, Tram. Sorry. I had the bay leaf. I went out, my first ever middle class girlfriend, first time I met their parents, they had their own house and everything. I thought you were going to say they had their own indoor toilet.

Not council, they had got an indoor toilet. Also, they said come around for dinner did they say supper eight o'clock we ate oh dinner we had at lunch time i was absolutely starving oh dry midnight love spag bol yeah and i got the bay leaf what did you do i ate it i thought you were supposed to eat it yeah i think i would I said to my girlfriend at the time, it was like eating a small medieval shield. Proper really hard to chew

spiky around the edges. So I think he's right. What about when people put bay leaves in a burger? Come on. Bay leaves in a burger, I know. Middle class people in the 70s and 80s. That is weird. I mean, I'm all, depending on the food stuff,

I'm all for chucking everything in. If I make a chilli con carne at home. Oh, listen to it. Herbs and Baylews, Eddie Murphy did two hours of material on it. Did he? Yes. If I make a chilli con carne in the house, it's basically like a compost bin with, like, tomato sauce and meat as well.

It's all in there. Everything goes in. All the stuff that's in there. Everything goes in. All the stuff that's in the fridge that needs going. What I don't understand is how many, if we were to do a league table, how many cookery programmes are there on the telly and how many keep fit programmes are there on the telly? We're all worried about the national obesity crisis,

but there's always programmes. Yeah. I'm not worried about mine, darling. But what do we get? And in some body fashion. Shameless obesity is going on. Yeah, he has always been on. Do you remember shameless obesity?

He was the Irish French food billionaire. French food billionaire. Oh, dear. Could have been a great joke. Never mind. We'll always have let's sing and dance for comic books. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Mary Berry, we were discussing.

Yeah. People were saying that, what is it called again? Everyday. Everyday. Whatever. Leftovers or whatever it was. Yeah, Everyday Leftovers. It's not really called that.

They're saying it can't be called Mary Berry Every Day because it's too, the phrase used was waitrose-tastic. Oh, right. Other stores are available. But it features quinoa. Feed quinoa? Yeah. And pomegranate molasses.

I like the sound of that. I like the sound of that. Not every day, though. Molasses is like treacle, you think? But the argument is that these are decadent Victorian feast foods. Yeah, not every day food. And not suitable for every day. What do you say to that, Frank Skinner?

Well, I'd be surprised if the Victorians were big on quinoa. Yeah. But I think Mary Berry, a parent who stayed, you have to cut her a bit of slack. She's so busy looking after us all. I think they're all so. If you're going to accept that we've got a national obesity crisis, give them molasses.

Let's put a bit of petrol on the fire. Let them eat kale. Yeah, exactly. These people eat quinoa. Everyone eats quinoa these days. Yes. I think it's disgusting. Didn't I tell you when my son...

I love quinoa. I was walking to school with my son. He was talking to his classmate. And when I say classmate, I mean classmate. And he said they saw a large mushroom, a sort of toadstool growing. Did I tell you this? I don't know.

And the kid says, oh, I like mushrooms. And boss said, I don't. I like mushroom hummus. I thought, yes, my money has been well spent. Congratulations. Thank you. It's a big moment for a parent been well spent. Congratulations. Thank you. It's a big moment for a parent, that one. It is, yeah.

I didn't eat this. I wouldn't have been 100% sure there was such a thing as mushroom hummus myself. No, there is. It's alive and well. Tremendous news. Well, there's been some other quinoa news this week. Oh, yes. Katy Perry, did you see this?

Oh, yes. She had quinoa in her teeth. Oh, Mary Berry, Katy Perry. Everyone's talking about food nonsense. Talk about food nonsense. Yes. She was on the red carpet. She should eat

peri peri chicken she should if she ate peri peri chicken and Mary Berry caught very very wouldn't life be neat

yes it would be happier for Katie Perry than it would be for Mary Berry I think at her age there'd be no coming back from very very

whereas peri peri it can be rough the next day, but not fatal in my experience. Yes, on the red carpet. She had quinoa on the red carpet. In her teeth. Mm. Yeah. You could see it.

Did you see the photos? I mean, you could see the quinoa backed up. I mean, it was not a very flattering photograph anyway because it had sort of that eyes closed thing. You'd struggle to take a bad photo of the Perry. Yes, she it had sort of that eyes closed thing. You'd struggle to take a bad photo of the peri. Yes, she is. She's a fine looking woman. Yep, beautiful lady, but she had her eyes closed and she had food in her teeth.

Some men pay for that. She's got a little gold Nike logo on one of her teeth. I know, I didn't know that. Frank used to have gold teeth. Makes it look like she's been walked on. But the Nike, do you call it Nike? Nike or Nike? Well, come on, let's make a decision.

I'm going to make a decision. It is named after the goddess Nike, isn't it? Yeah, so if you would say that, I would say Nike. Okay, let's call it Nike. Okay, great. Nike don't even know, in fairness. They don't know? No. Well, that's absolutely ridiculous.

Anger at a shoe company they'd love to be called a shoe company i have it um no botch is she was she paid to have that i did wonder i did wonder well it's such a waste if she wasn't if you're gonna advertise a major company on your tooth, get a few bob for it. Agreed. Well, something I'm starting to be suspicious mine's here, Frank. Gets caught with quinoa in the teeth. Turns out she's being paid by a company with the gold teeth. You don't think there's a quinoa

company as well? Would you have quinoa put on in gold? Well, yeah, I want two million. What about just having a bit of quinoa in the cracks for one night? Okay, 500 quid. One of these quinoa millionaires. I'm just saying, Frank, if you knew that there were going to be photographs of your mouth, detailed close-ups all over the world, a bit of a coincidence.

That's a thought. Come on. What about if she's got the Nike logo, have Coca-Cola on another tooth, say Kodak on another tooth, then one broad grin and footballers could be interviewed in front of her. She could cover the whole World Cup official, the official snack, the official soft drink, official film, all sorted.

Would you have sponsorship on your teeth? I would not have a company logo on my teeth unless someone was going to pay me to do so what about that

you might get the call it's a good rule though I think it's a good rule to live by I think general you could have Robinson's barley water

one grin from me and just got Greg's Greg's logo and a bit of pie stuck in the teeth I mean I'd be up for that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Surely not.

There must be some mistake. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, but don't text us, please, this week. Sorry, no offence, but we're not live. Sorry, Ken.

It would be, yeah. Yeah, sorry, Ken, but it's too late. But don't do it. We're not live. I think I established that. We were talking about the very lovely Katy Perry. Well, you say she's very lovely but she apparently

Instagrammed that she was looking for new friends because the ones that she's got are too afraid to tell her that she had food in her teeth. Now, what does that tell us there? Because she's saying, is she

not saying, I am a little bit scary? Oh, that they can't tell her. Rather than, like, my friends didn't spot it. Like, they just didn't look me in the mouth. Probably bright enough to know that her friends are so happy to be her friends. They don't want to put that in any way of risk. They don't want to take any risks. I thought that might be a sort of veiled confession

that she can sometimes be a bit of a git, that her friends fear her. What, are you suggesting that KP's nuts? No, I would just imagine, because of the level of her stardom, if one of her friends said, Katie, you've got quinoa on your teeth, she'd say right thank

thank you but you're fired but now that's why you've got to make the friends early you see if you make the pre-fame ones they might i don't think they always will but they might just tell you no chance with the news one new ones i think elvis used to fire his friends who he was in the army with did he yeah i think you just get to a level of you just won't take that kind of... Honesty. Yeah. Honesty slash impertinence from your friends. See, I tell people straight away.

I once told my wife that there was food in her teeth whilst a waiter was at the table waiting to take it all. And then she said, couldn't you have waited for a minute until he went away? And I said, no, because if he goes away, I might then forget that you've got food in your teeth. And six hours later, you're saying, why didn't you tell me this? So I'm straight in on food in teeth.

And also, you don't want her to order a load of food if she's already got plenty in her teeth. She shouldn't even have been hungry. She's still digesting that lot. Yeah, don't bring me a main course. Just bring me a toothpick. I'll eat there. Can we just establish something?

Yes. Would you, out of you two, Alan Cochran, you first, would you tell someone if they had food in their teeth? Straight in. Straight in, innit? Yeah, absolutely. Frank Skinner? Well, when I worked at the Hughes Johnson Stampings

in Mill Lane, Langley Green... Extraordinary. A man said, I was in the drawing office, he said, can you go down to the blah blah office and then go to the blah blah office and sent me off with this piece of paper, neither of which, people didn't know why I brought it down, they didn't understand why he'd sent it.

And when I got back, he was on the floor laughing because apparently I had a bogey on my nose and he wanted to see as many people to see it as possible. What a git. That's so horrible. And also quite a retro thing to laugh at. There were fewer things to keep people amused in those days.

But it's terrible when you're with someone who's got the bogey on and that's worse than the stuff on the teeth. The bogey on the teeth is the ultimate. I hate that, I must say. She has an interesting beauty. She's very wide of

face. It's a lovely face, but there's a... Last time you made that observation it got you in a lot of trouble. Did it? About Katy Perry? No, it was about someone else. Oh, it was, yes. Wide, wide face. Yes. She's beautiful, but... Older high horses. Oh, it was, yes. Why the white face? Yes. She's beautiful. Older high horses. Beautiful, but she...

I think her looks, good as they are, could be slightly improved by, say, 20 minutes between two lift doors. Wow. But she's... I mean, she looks like the man in the moon's hot sister. Would you say? I can't fault the woman, I'm sorry.

Okay, don't. Often I say that. I don't think that's fault, you know. I'm just saying you get more for your... What was it? More face for your buck. Yeah, more bang for your buck. More bang for your buck.

Why is that red nose of yours? It's gone. Goodness knows where it is now. Just passing the aorta. France Skinner on the radio. Of course, it's not so long ago that Katy Perry was involved in the falling house market and all that stuff at the Brits. Yes, exactly.

Oh, yeah. When she had Theresa May and Donald Trump skeletons. Puppets. Was it puppets or people dressed up? It was, well, if there were people dressed up, they were top end. Tall characters. Yeah.

Yeah. They were massive. Oh, were they? If you were Donald Trump, wouldn't you be thinking, these people are telling me I have to run the country, they can't run their own mouth. That's what I'd be thinking

were I Trumbull Stiltskin, which I'd like to point out that I'm not. Well, he's a neat freak. He is. A what freak? A neat freak. Yeah, yeah. He's obsessed with tidiness. What? What? He's a neat freak. N-E-A-T and then the word freak.

Okay, I get it. Blame that on? Yeah. Yeah, well, I suppose he always looks smart, but he's the President of the United States. Does he wear the badge? Does he wear the flag badge? Well, he controversially took it off, didn't he, once?

Did he? Yes. I always think it's a weird thing. Unnecessary badges, number 73. The President of America wearing an American flag badge. Yeah. It's funny, I don't identify him as being a controversial figure at all. You're quite like that.

I mean, I have found that my teeth have sort of, as I've got older, they gather much more extra food. They're a bit of a rolling stone, your teeth. They separate. I think as they get older, they... Well, if you were to say that Katy Perry's teeth are like madness, remember that madness sleeve where they're all sort of walking joined together? I do.

My teeth are more like the Reservoir Dogs poster. Right. There's quite considerable gaps now. They've sort of... I've had a lot of teeth removed in the past and they've found their own space. Oh, I see.

And so now I get big wads of stuff in between. Well, since you've had them whitened though, they look in much healthier shape. I've noticed that they've... that's starting to fade a bit. The white has faded. Yeah, they've gone a bit Tutankhamun's death mask again.

Going back to the white diet soon and the bleaching again. Maybe I'll have to try that. I've started using those mini brushes that you recommended to me. Well, I've always got something about my person for picking. Yeah, useful, aren't they? Oh, they're fantastic. Hashtag late review. I know those ones, yes.

It's the same design as the lavatory brush. Well, they're like a doll's house lavatory brush. I'm going to go so far as to say Sylvanian family's lavatory brush would do the job just as well. What about the Sylvanian family's roast chicken? What's that? Half walnut. Oh, that is the one thing. What about the Sylvanian family's roast chicken? What's that?

Half walnut. Oh, that is the one, Frank. Just the job for the roast chicken. That's perfect. What about your glazing, though? Well, I think you could... It could be a matte roast chicken. Can you do the matte roast chickens? If only Mary Berry was here.

Mary Berry, I know. If only this was a live live show we could have a text don't ask Carluccio for goodness sake get rid of the baby what you need is a hair dryer at the end of it just to take

the glisten off I mean people make a big fuss about the glisten doesn't bother me I microwave my chicken no you do not no I don't

I'm not having it that would be absolutely antiseptic white it would just look like it was in a white plastic bag that would be absolutely antiseptic white. It would just look like it was in a white plastic bag, that would be its skin. Well, I don't have a microwave.

Get out of here. Really? My mother didn't approve of them. Well, I know, but my mother didn't approve of lots of things. Well, no, it's a funny thing, a lot of people don't have them now, do they? Don't they? No.

You won't find them in sort of trendy areas, I don't think. Yeah, people have a mistrust, don't they? They have a mistrust. There's a lot of mistrust of them, yes. Do people think they're going to go blind in one eye if they work next to one? I think it's that sort of thing, yeah. Yes, I think so. Well, I live by mine.

Really? Yeah. You should maybe move into the rest of the house. I've gone blind in one eye. It was worth it no I don't think I could live without what about when you forget your cup of tea and you think oh I forgot my cup of tea

oh I know oh that's useful isn't it I have to tell the shortage people I never zap a tea no no no I drink the one that I've got you know the old French term bon zap a tea no Never Zappati. Never? No, no, no. I'd drink the one that I've got. You know the old French term, Bon Zappati.

No. Frank Skinner on the radio. Now, I'm sorry to get off the subject of food, Frank, although you'll be somewhat relieved, I would imagine. Exactly. But you're now sitting in the thin chair. And I'm gel. I like it.

Yeah. I see it's you. They've discovered, but I still gel. I like it. Yeah. What's it to you? They've discovered but I'm still remaining in the fashion chair. Yes, of course. So I think it's up to me to comment on

well this is one of my favourite stories of the last couple of weeks which have you heard about the Tudor shoes? Oh, this was a big find. Yes. Wasn't it?

It's a Tudor haul. So it ticks a lot of personal boxes for me, this story. There's Tudors involved, there's shoes, two of my favourite things. Some of our new readers might not know that Emily's would

but shouldn't is Henry VIII. Correct. Which I've always been very impressed by. Portrait of him in my bedroom. Yeah. Yeah. Make of that what you by. Portrait of him in my bedroom. Yeah. Yeah. Make of that what you will. So it's from around 1550, largest hall of Tudor shoes ever. Yes. And it's because of this crossrail digging that's going on.

Can I tell you, I have a mate who is sort of in the family. And he is an archaeologist. He's sort of in the family, and he is an archaeologist. And if there's any sort of new buildings done, new roads and that, they always get called in to observe. So they're always... Oh, really? So they're, like, oh, stop! I think I recognise a Romano-British drinking cup,

and then everything stops for the archaeologist to go in, which is brilliant. Do you accept the joke gratefully whenever you're spending time with somebody who's an archaeologist? Do you get to say at dinner parties someone whose career's in ruins? Do you get to do that? I've never done that. You will now, that's a great one Al.

I've never done it, I can do it now you've done it, obviously. Unless I quote you, well as Alan Cotran used to say say but then everyone started eating and talking again before I can get the joke out

oh wow his career's gone down the pan Antonio Colucci I'm going to say that to him that's good thanks for the tip

I will credit you though oh sorry it's a shame really that they were looking for the Tudor shoes like the crossrail

people and that they weren't platform shoes. Eh? Oh, he's on fire. I find these things come in threes. Let's gather round. That's bad news, Frank. Gather round for the topper.

Well, it's a very fine line. It's got to be one of those where I have to get rid of my dog. Because he Ted his shoes. Chewed his shoes? I mean, come on. Every time Emily's said chewed his shoes, I've heard a pun. Get your hand on that bell, Frank. This is how old-fashioned this show is.

Not in front of all these people. Oh, dear. This is how old-fashioned this show is. Most shows, finger on the buzzer. We've got to get your hand on that bell, Frank. Can I say that they've already written a book? About the Tudor shoes? About this find.

Have you? I'll buy that. I think. Pre-order from Amazon. This is not a joke, it's true. When I read the title, I think it might be largely an academic piece. It's called Charterhouse Square, Black Death Cemetery and Carthusian Monastery Meat Market and Suburb.

Park Life. That's what it's called. It sounds like a sort of inland version of the shipping forecast. It does. It very much does. But that's the kind of... They ought to have one of those, and then they ought to have the motoring forecast.

But Frank, if you order that on Amazon, if you like this, you'll like this. I mean, that's going to come up for me because I do a lot of Tudor ordering. So that will definitely come up in my If You Like This. I mean, it's a little bit academic, if I'm honest. We don't know what it's like, but I'm just saying the title. It's a bit historian with the curly hair.

The title suggests that number one priority isn't pithiness. But I mean, I've been wrong before. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Tudor shoes. We sure were. Of course we were. It's a topical news show. Well, it is topical news.

Well, you're right. There's a funny bit in the article that I think makes me think I'm cleverer than the academics that write these things. Sam Feisenmayer, the archaeologist. It said in the article, at the end of the 16th century, flatter shoes became more fashionable, but at the start of the century, heels were considered trendy.

Archaeologists don't know the reason for this change. I was thinking, 90 years of people going, oh, me calves are killing me. That's the reason for this change. I was thinking, 90 years of people going, oh, me calves are killing me. That's the reason for that change. Maybe. I was amazed that they had slip-ons so early. Oh, the Tudors loved a slip-on. I always think of slip-ons as a development.

Do you? No. Yeah. Well, what was interesting about these shoes is mainly that they were absolutely disgusting. Oh. They looked... I like the cockerel standing up for the Tudors. There's one pair that I really liked.

Which one was it? There's a pair that have got a little bit of a pattern on them. As I was looking through, I thought, oh, very nice, they've got a pattern. Then it turns out it's the one child's pair that they're in. Oh, yes, I remember that. Also, you might struggle tracking those down, to be fair. Yes, true enough. I mean, do a Google search, by all means.

They were found in the Barbican era of London, which was at the time the city of London, obviously the posh area where all the poshians lived. Is that right? So they were considered to be expensive, these shoes. You wouldn't think it to look at them. No. I mean, they're part espadrille, aren't they?

They're leather. Why do you imagine they came up with lace ops at all if they already had slip-ons because slip-ons are so much easier to work with they slipped around like they wouldn't have had the technology to fit the foot that we have now i think it's i've always imagined if the manual gearbox was invented second, well, it wouldn't have been invented, to be honest, because once you've got automatic, life's so easy, why would you want a more complicated port? You say that, Frank, but why the scented candle?

Why the candle? Why the candle? Yeah. Well, what did they have before? Well, we've got electric light now. We don't need the candle. Yeah, I think we use it more for aroma now, don't we? I use it as an act of prayer.

We don't wish to know why you use it. Actually, it was a very nice reason. Some might be outraged by it, but, you know, to hell with them. And that wasn't a metaphor. But they weren't the Tudor shoes of my mind's eye. You know, when I think of a Tudor shoe, I think of a slightly pilgrim sort of look. A square toe.

Do you know what I mean by the very square toe? A white stocking. Well, Henry VIII, they look not... Oh, excuse me. Hang on. They look not unlike house slippers, don't they, his shoes? Yes. Have you ever seen his feet? Which is more than

he ever did. But they are, they're definitely slippers. There's not a hint of a lace. They look like you could run out and catch the milkman in those. Well, apparently he was a very good dancer, Henry VIII. Oh, lovely news. So,

you wouldn't hear a thing in with his slippers on. No. Might be a slight sss, sss, sss. If you wouldn't hear a thing in with his slippers on. No. Might be a slight... If you're in Hampton Court and you hear... I thought that would be Henry practising his dance moves. Working on his... And then... Which is the sound of a chicken bone landing on the floor.

You know, he always ate chicken and then just threw the bones over his shoulder. Is that right? I knew someone would pick it up. Yeah. I mean, they're obviously old. They better had. They're obviously old and scuffed, these monstrosities.

Yes, the espadrilles. Yeah, the espadrilles, which you like, oddly. I like that one pair with the pattern on them. I'd have called the book Rough as Old Boots, with rough spelt R-U-F-F. Oh, come on. Springing in the Elizabethan element. Fine. Well, then they could have gone in,

they could have gone onto the table at Waterstones, I feel, rather than shoved away in the academic section. So they've missed the trick there, Frank. It could have almost gone, dare I say it, humour section. I think, you know, if this was live, what we'd be asking now

is what the book should have been called. And we'd get some hilarious responses. They might text it. They like to tweet us in the week, Frank. I can't help thinking about what might have been. But let us, we can talk about it next week. Yeah. Yeah, roll out. Let's put talk about it next week. Yeah. Yeah, roll that over the pocket.

Just put one over the other pocket, yeah. The book that's actually called, and I'll say it again, Charred House Square, Black Death Cemetery and Carthusian Monastery, Meat Market and Suburb, what would you have called it if you were trying to get a bit more into the populist market? I'd have at least dropped'd have dropped back to cemetery you'd think the publisher

would have said do we have to mention the black yes it's very important to mention oh okay what about brackets have you ever thought

about brackets we've been talking about the fabulous find of a great, what do you call them, a hoard? The haul. A hoard of shoes. The Tudor haul. Yes.

One thing I discovered from reading the newspaper article is, and I think I've heard this before, is that the average height of the Tudor man was only 5'6". And the lady, 5'3"? 5'3". That's my height, thank you. I do all right.

Well, let me put this to you. Does that suggest, because now what is the average height in this country? What would it be for a man, 5'8", 9"? Something like that, but women is 5'4", bizarrely. So everyone's got bigger. Does that suggest to you that shorter people are slightly further back on the evolutionary?

Yes, maybe that's true. I can really get behind this at 6'3", but yes, I think... Well, you have to believe, don't you? You've nailed that. And also, it's not reflected in the historical stories on Doctor Who. They don't cast a load of mod short actors. Oh, that would be great for your medium and short actors. Oh, that would be so good for the poster as well.

Yeah, I mean, maybe that's why when Pertwee got the job, they exiled him to Earth in the present time, so he didn't go back. Is that right? And he'd tower over the Tudors. What sort of height, yeah this is true, what sort of height was old Bill Hartnell? Bill Hartnell I think was fairly average height but he was, Pertwee was big, Baker, Tom Baker was big. Right.

Still is. Baker was big. Still is. P-caps a tall one. Big man, big personality isn't he, Tom Baker?ps, a tall one. Big man, big personality, isn't he, Tom Brady? That's what they say. Big feet, big personality. So the shoes would have therefore been...

Smaller then. Yeah. I don't know what the average for a man is. I'm a size three, if anyone's seen me buy new shoes. Size three. Three. Fabulous, isn't it? Can you walk on snow?

I don't really need shoes, to be honest. No. No, it's... It's all the footprints in the sand with me, the lightness of my touch. That is a small foot. But, you know, dainty. Lovely and dainty.

They had a look, they had a slight look of the Birkenstock about them, I thought. Some of them did. Yeah, they did, yeah. I wonder if the old the Birkenstock about them, I thought. Some of them did. Yeah, they did, yeah. I wonder if the old man Birkenstock, is he a bloke or a woman, the Birkenstock man? I think it's a German, I don't know

if it's a male or female. They still operate on a gender basis. Yeah, but I don't know which it was. They're posbless. Yeah, exactly. It had that very similar sort of round

thought rounded front I'm wondering oh to the Birkenstock I know what you mean if Hare

Birkenstock if he had a look at some history books and thought this is very good

I will bring him if he thought that yeah I mean I should imagine shoe history is a happy chapter for your German to read

compared to some other bits. Let's focus on that. Yeah, exactly. Probably fast forward through the Jack Booth. Some willful blindness going on. These finds are on... It's true. Very specialist history is what they tend to read.

Shoes are fine. That's fine That's fine Of course the Tudors They put a lot of Berks in stocks I mean You see Clifton Suspension Breach To be fair 1550 I think you'd miss Henry VIII On Absolute Radio. Surely not. There must be some mistake.

To be fair, 1550, I think you'd miss Henry VIII, wouldn't you? Hadn't he gone by then? 10 to 4. He'd done his damage. Well, some say damage. Yeah. I had a priest that said, they call it the Reformation, I call it the biggest land grab of all time.

I like the sound of that. I like the anger. He was great. Hashtag late review. I love it when Danny LaRue entered the priesthood. Well, there was a slight element, but he was a very fine man. Frank, there's an exhibition, really. So this is all part of a new exhibition.

Not that I'm doing their PR or anything. A bit. Here we go. Works out in? Well, I'll tell you the name of the exhibition. Tunnel, semicolon, the archaeology of Crossrail. Oh, that sounds good. From there.

Okay. Actually, I've got a little text from last week for you, Frank. Remember your car was taking you via Kettering? Yes, I mean, it's the strangest thing. I'll say via. I tried to drive from West Bromwich Albion Football Club to my home in North London. Yeah. And the sat-nav keeps insisting I tried to drive from West Bromwich Albion Football Club to my home in North London, and the sat-nav keeps insisting I go to Kettering,

which just feels wrong to me. Well, we got a text just as the show was finishing last week, and I've saved it for you because I think it's useful info. Frank, stop following sat-nav M1, M6 junction. Priorities have changed. It used to go straight on for M1 South. That now takes you to A14 to Kettering from Ian in Kettering.

So he's got cred there, hasn't he? He knows. Brilliant. When he says in Kettering, does he live there? Has he just, the sat-nav has taken him there? He might be trying to get to the M1 South. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I know the junction. I just follow the sat-nav, you see.

I'm just, you know they used to follow the bay. Well, now you know. I know, sat know the junction. I just follow the sat-nav, you see. I'm just... He's telling you to override it. Well, now you know. Do I know? Satine bomber jacket. I just do what I'm told by the sat-nav. Oh, don't do that anymore. Oh, well, thank you for that. What was... Ian in Ketchum.

Thank you, Ian. That's taken a load off my mind. So, anyway, that's the Virgin's footwear we've finished up with did she, can I just ask a final question on this? I think you will. Did she wear out more pairs of shoes because she was the Virgin Queen so it was less lying

down more standing 8.12.15 don't text please don't text we're not live but we'll be we'll be live

forever soon I don't know what that message meant but it sounded it sounded in some way some way placatory

anyway placatering thank you so much for listening and bring on the feathers hear the Frank Skinner show as it happens Saturday morning from 8 until 11 so much for listening and bring on the feathers.