The Frank Skinner Show - Cloaks

Episode Date: April 21, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss cloaks, new inventions and reading habits.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. According to the Daily Mail, Simon Cowell is self-destructing. I'm definitely tuning in for that.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Good morning. That's all the Dean and Alan Cochran. Good morning. That's all the details you need at the moment. If you want to text us about anything, and we'd love you to, that would be on 81215.

793 already has. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Is that Simon Cowell's act on BGT? Making much the same joke as you did, I think. What was that, that he's going to self-destruct? Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's nice to have communication, isn't it? No, I think, I'm happy for us to all join in,

because this is the Daily Mail's theory that Simon Cowell is self-destructing. Can you imagine if he actually was literally that, that on Britain's Got Talent he did like, you know, those Buddhists that complain about the treatment in, you know, Tibet and stuff. Oh, yes, I've seen them. He actually self, is it self-immolation?

Is that what it's called? No, that's something else, Frank. Let's move on. Oh, goodness me. I told you. Can I get a new... Can you get that dictionary sorted? They're basing this on the fact that he hasn't shaved in two days. Essentially. That's why they're saying he self-destructs him. Yeah, but he's a very immaculate character.

You should see the headlines about ZZ Top. Brian Blessed. That's how they should measure it. That would be fantastic. Hey, speaking of tashes... Oh, yeah. How dare you? Awkward. It's got to come out.

Hold on, I'll just knock this cotton. We'll have that out in a second. And... Hold on, I'll just knock this cotton. We'll have that out in a second. Yes, I've been listening to Dracula this week. Oh, dear. Not reading Dracula, I've been listening to Dracula. What, you've been hanging out with him? No, he's living next door, and I've got a glass up the wall. Now he's living next door and I've got a glass up the wall.

Now I've been, many of you will know, probably four of you, that yesterday, Friday the 20th of April, obviously it was Hitler's birthday, but it was also the centenary of the death of Bram Stoker, who wrote Dracula. So I thought, I like to acknowledge a literary anniversary, so I thought, well, I'll listen to the audiobook of Dracula this week. You know, I've never actually, I realise I've never read Dracula. So I thought, I like to acknowledge a literary anniversary, so I thought, well, I'll listen to the audiobook of Dracula this week. You know, I've never actually, realised I've never read Dracula. Can you believe it?

So, it wasn't a big deal, the centenary. If you consider Charles Dickens... No, funny that. It's actually by... Exactly. But have you got... Is Charles Dickens a more important literary figure than Bram stoker

yeah i think based on output alone as charles dickens we started on the dickens rant this is how you measure i think fame as charles dickens ever had one of his characters transformed into a doc and given its own cartoon show no whereas count docular yeah exactly he's a one-trick pony i would argue yes who bram stoker yeah but you know there's no there's no cartoon called charles dockins not yet no there's no um mallard times anyway one thing i i went listening to to Dracula in its original form, because I've seen the films.

Gary Altman with the lilac glasses. Who hasn't? I've never seen that one, actually. Oh, I hate it. They call themselves Dracula, and I don't think that's how you pronounce it. Dracula. Ridiculous.

I quite like that. He always has to be different. Dracula. Did they call him... When he was at school, did they call him Depo? Because that would really confuse things, wouldn't it? If you got the boss a lot to school. Once there was a character called Depo.

Depo? Yeah, who? Johnny Depp. I thought we were talking about Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman! Wasn't Johnny Depp in it? Oh, he might have been, yeah. Just because he's another goth doesn't mean he was in it.

I can't believe there was a goth-based film that Johnny Depp't believe they're all the same goth based film that johnny depp was yeah i bet the agent got some stick about that yeah what are you what was it what's going on he has on his brand i wasn't either he says we'll bring own eyeliner is what he says his agent says we'll bring on eyeliner exactly. May I just ask, I'm sorry to interrupt, may I just ask how you know about this anniversary? Have you got like a literary anniversary calendar or something? It's been a lot of things. It's been about, you know.

It's not an app. It's been in the press. A literary anniversaries app. No, I don't know how I read about it. Oh, okay. But, I mean, it wasn't. When I put Google on yesterday, I thought the two O's are both going to have fangs,

like two open fang notes. Can I just say, I love it when you say put Google on, like putting the kettle on. I'll put the Google on. I'll put the Google. Yes, that's my search engine of choice. I got a bit class war Vista type of stuff. I got a bit class war about Ask Jesus in the end.

I thought, you know, I felt he was looking down on me. Anyway, back to the tash. Turns out in the book that he's got a tash, Dracula. Oh. I don't think of him with a tash at all. I think of him with, what, like a widow's peak. Right. Quite a drawn, but handsome young man.

He's an old sort of geezer, with a long white tache and long white hair. Oh, so he's not the David Walliams vibe? No, it shouldn't have been Gary Oldman. It should have been Hulk Hogan. They missed her. What an opportunity that was. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, this is what I'm going to call one of your Mayor Culper moments. Oh, no. I'm afraid... Have I erred? You have erred. You said earlier, or would you like to remind the listeners what you said, Reed Dickens, Bea bram stoker yeah well i said bram stoker it had a cartoon character made into a

well made into a oh i can't even i can't say it again because no i know it's wrong i can't he made his character his character was made into a doc in a cartoon series and i said dickens can't can't say that. Au contraire. Yeah, I was so wrong. Because as probably, I'd say, about 40 at least of our listeners have said, including 019, Dickens has had a cartoon duck character,

Scrooge McDuck, a relative of Donald. You know what, I even remember Scrooge McDuck now. I mean, I've never been, so I'm shamed up, as we used to say at school. I mean, you can ask the listenership for their opinion on stuff, but a way of really getting contact is to get something wrong early in the show. Yes. Like the day I said skillet instead of whatever it was,

and the switchboard nearly blew up. We've never been so inundated. But, yes, I apologise. I apologise to Charles Dickens. He is an equal literary figure to Bram Stoker based on his duck cartoon scenario. I did think you were leading with your chin a bit there. I was worried.

I think Bill Sykes as well. Bill Sykes. He's got a bill. Oh, my God, that's terrible. Sorry, terrible. That is rubbish. You're quite right. What about a duck tale of two

citizens? I will stop. I will absolutely stop. So anyway, I've been listening to, I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a bit of Dickens. Mm-hmm. You know, I've only ever read one Dickens book. Really? Yeah. Which one? You're going to come out of the pond, aren't you? No, I'm not.

It was Pickwick Papers. OK. Lovely. It was. And I sat on the... I had a very old copy of it that I'd bought from a second-hand bookshop, Falling Apart, and I read it on the train, I remember, and I was really laughing. It's a very properly funny book, not, oh, I'm going to laugh because it's Dickens.

It's properly funny stuff in it. The thing is that the copy I had looked a lot like a Bible. People thought I was reading the Bible and absolutely cracking up. Oh, what? What, the sea just opened? Yeah, right. So, that was weird. Richard Dawkins does that, to be fair. Yeah, Richard Dawkins does that to be fair yeah Richard Dawkins I think is the cartoon character that he's had so yeah

so I've been walking around listening to Dracula all week, it's brilliant I love it. You've been walking around London listening to Dracula? Yeah I'm not going all the way to Whitby just to get the atmosphere Is life not terrifying enough in this time of global terror listening to Dracula. Yeah. I'm not going all the way to Whitby just to get the atmosphere. Is life not terrifying enough in this time of global terror that you thought, oh, I can heighten this

by listening to one of the scariest books around? Well, I've found that because it's rained a lot this week. If I'm under an umbrella listening to an audio book, it's basically, it's like stopping in. Nice. Yeah. I've got a roof and a sort of Radio 4 type thing going on. You can't get an umbrella out if you're near your partner

because she won't have it. I tried it this week. Also, if I was with my partner, she wouldn't be that happy about me listening to an audiobook. I didn't tell her, I suppose, just let her talk. Just put one ear in like you've got your Bluetooth on or something. But it's made me think about a lot of things. For example, I'm thinking I might get a cloak.

Why not? Why not? Get a cloak. Why not? I can think of a few reasons. I think it'll look awful. I don't know. Will it look awful?

I don't know why the cloak has gone out of fashion for people. I love how you think of stuff like that. How would you wear it? What, like a velvet cloak? It needn't be velvet. It needn't. No, no. I find velvet.

Hessian? Don't you find velvet tends to collect the lint? Yeah. You could get a velvet cloak and a lint roller. Oh, no, but it's quite hard to go over a cloak, I think. I haven't got time to be rolling you down every morning no not with a cloak i'd have to stand with it fully extended like um like for you to go over it yeah it wouldn't be yeah unless i kept it please don't get a cloak

unless i could i beseech you i could lie in the wardrobe this get medieval that's what i said to Prince Charles when I asked him not to look up comments on YouTube. I beseech you, sire. Now a cloak is... I don't know, what's bad about it? I think, you know... What about a pashmina?

No, that's... Compromise, compromise. The nice thing about a cloak... Yashmack? Don't you... I'm finding it harder and harder now. What I call sleeve search. You know when you put a coat on, you're going backwards, for instance.

Oh, yeah. People, I find now, come up and help me when I'm putting a coat on. It must be lovely to just tie it at the neck and you're dressed. And warm, and also... It's not warm, it's gaping open. No, but they look... I think they are quite warm. Oh, don't get Velcro tied in it as well. No, I think Dracula looks proper snug.

Frank, what footwear would you wear with the cloak? This concerns me. No, I'd wear my ordinary... Trainers with the cloak. I'd wear my ordinary... You don't want it to look my ordinary I'm on about reclaiming the cloak as an ordinary form

of you know that you don't have to go to the opera or be a superhero or Elvis you can just wear it instead of an overcoat yeah

you could have a lightweight one for the summer if you don't want to get your shoulders burned very attractive see you work in fashion

but in fact you're very narrow minded Frank, we've had quite a lot of response and your decision to start wearing a cloak, which is one of the most extraordinary things I'm never there's a real snobbery about the cloak. I think part of this...

Snobbery? I think some people think, oh, you know, you've got to be a bit posh to wear a cloak. No, I just think you've got to be a bit mental to wear a cloak. A bit shady. No, imagine the joy of running for a bus wearing a cloak. I feel strangled.

It's literally at a 90-degree angle. Superman style. Yeah, I mean, that would be a great way of training, I think. What about kids? Is to think... Frank, don't scrimp on the cost, though. I worry about you. I don't want that umbrella fabric.

If you imagine that, instead of epaulets, you could have protractors. Raised protractors. And you could think, I can measure my pace. I have to be at 90 degrees with the cloak. So you fucking keep that up for 10 seconds. It makes sense. As our Keith has said with you, bro, they still have cloak rooms.

There you go. Our Keith. That is a good point. They're not called cloak rooms, are they? Our Keith. It's a nail on the head. It's his sharpest attack. Yeah.

He's quite right, yeah. Cloak rooms. We've actually had an email in this week about reading. It's the nail on the head It's his sharpest attack He's quite right, yeah, cloak rooms We've actually had an email in this week about reading This was all kick-started For people who have just tuned in This was all kick-started by Frank Listening to Dracula, the book An audio book

And we've had an email called Walking and Reading A few weeks back, I've been catching up on the podcast You were questioning Can anyone read while walking? I too read books while walking in London, so Emily is not unique on this. I hate not being unique. I want to read it all the time.

The way I do it is simple and safe too. You pick out someone walking the direction you wish to go and at a speed you are comfortable with. You then fall in line behind them at a distance of slipstream. It is a slipstream it's a stalker's guide there I think what it is not really not if you're engrossed in a Dick Francis or something like that you're not going to start following people Tony Tony Tony don't talk with me anymore you'll get a face full of cloak that's true that's my also you know um you know if you cycle behind somebody else who's cycling it's 30 less taxing that's why they follow each other in

cycle can we say we're not recommending that people cycle and read no we're not we're definitely not but i just think that the idea of following somebody walking, maybe there's a bit of logic to it. Perhaps it's like the cycling. I find people in London are inclined to suddenly stop, though. Oh, yeah. Well, the walkers. Yeah.

Walkers need brake lights. So, you know, you're going to go into the, you're going to, I can't use the phrase, you're going to end them. Yeah. That's what you're going to do. I like the sort of human shield element. I do a similar thing with people begging on the streets.

I'll slow up until someone in the same direction is about and then I'll go at their shoulder. So I'm hidden, bless you, I'm hidden from the person asking for money by another pedestrian. I own up to this. This is really bad. I also do it when crossing the road.

I always think, well, I'll let these people go. If I go to the side of them, if this car doesn't stop, they'll cushion quite a bit of the impact. That could be your crumples. I wouldn't do it if there was a porcupine crossing the road because I could end up in more trouble than I started out with. That'd just be knocked into me like a... If you do get your cloak and you're passing a beggar in the street,

you could just shut the curtains on it, just walk past him like... Yeah. Incognito. That's it, that's it. Although, Frank... You see? I could change my trunks.

If I wore a cloak regularly. 816 has suggested, Frank, you should go down the poncho route. Arguably more torso coverage. I don't know what they suggest there. And greater arm freedom. A bit more mix and match on the colour front too. What I don't like about the poncho is that they come to a point.

I like the cloak. It's got a nice straight edge to it. That would put me off. I think that if people are going to walk around reading books in the street, having now gone into audio, I think they should read aloud. Oh, yeah.

And if you hear something, you think, oh, this sounds all right, you can walk with them for a mile or two. Yeah. Why are you late, Tony? I ended up in Ladbroke Grove because I was listening to a Pacey thriller. Yeah, exactly.

I've arranged... Apparently he leaves the house at nine tomorrow. I'll be waiting for him. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're discussing cloaks this morning on Absolute Radio. Send me a text on... There you go again. We didogatory town about the cliques.

Imagine not having to worry about losing a button. What would you have at the neck point? A little tie? A bow. A bow. That's what worries me. I don't want a bow on his Adam's apple. I'm thinking elastic.

Elastic? So I have to stretch it down over my head. It's like those certain baby bibs. Yeah, but they have a clasp, don't they? Frank, where do you stand on lining? Red silk? Evening at the opera? Well, I'm open.

What I was thinking is a waterproof lining, so if it comes on to rain, I can just switch it round. Sorry, I was just momentarily distracted because Alan just flashed his lining. Oh, yeah, right there but that's a jacket two jackets i mean i might you know if i um if things went wrong at work and i ended up um in industrial uh environment i might get a high vis cloak awful entirely the wrong fabric builder's cloak that sounds like yeah I've got a bit of builder's cloak yeah

like a handmaid's knee it's like bingo wings she's got a bit of a builder's cloak sounds it's clean sounds filthy it's clean Frank Daisy who produces the show her other half as i believe they

say yeah um he's texted in he says what jermaine yes jermaine okay frank if you've got a cloak you could say everybody afi ask where me get me cloaks now that is a reference to um clark's song yeah see i thought it was everybody helped me. Turns out it's some sort of West Indian... Everybody Affie Out. Affie Ask, yeah. Everybody Affie Ask, where me get me cloak? I bet they would as well. Where do you get that?

And you'd be able to say, oh, Primarnie, or... Say Primark, they don't do cloaks. T to the K to the N. No, funnily enough, they don't do cloaks. No-one does cloaks except for a fancy dress shop. Yeah, but that's all going to change. And also, wouldn't it be better if Primark did cloaks rather than children in the third world

having to do all those difficult buttonholes and cloths? They could knock out a cloak and have the afternoon off, couldn't they? They could have one old guy clasp specialist who did that, but they'd be able to bang the cloak set left, right and centre. I mean, this did all begin from you reading slash listening to... Dracula. The Dracula. It was a centenary, I remind you again.

Is it written as a series of letters? It is. Oh, right. It's ep centenary, I remind you again. Is it written as a series of letters? It is. Oh, right. It's epistolary, I believe is the term. Maybe I have read it. I think I've read it, but I might be thinking of Frankenstein. I've got that weird, like, blur. Well, they're oft confused.

Easily, easily, yeah. I mean, Abbott and Costello couldn't tell one from the other. Is that right? Right. But I was going to ask you, is this weird? Because it's a reading question. I have deliberately left... You've got me already.

Any question that begins, is this weird? I'm tuned straight in. I honestly thought it was the reading that had piqued your interest there. If you can throw Cloak into the mix, he's even more great. There's no Cloak. But I have deliberately left my book at home on on thursday when i left my home um to to come away uh because when you say your book the book you're currently reading yeah i'm reading um freedom uh no corrections the corrections by jonathan franzen which is his next one um and

i'm really enjoying it but i'm quite close to the end and it's quite a chunky book oh yeah and i like to pack light on the road. No, I understand that. So I've just left it in the house and I thought, well, I'll come back to it. And I've got it to look forward to and I brought away another book, which I thought was a series of short stories, but it turns out it's not. It's some stories. But it's a slim volume,

I'm guessing. It's a slim volume. It's a travel book. Salman Rushdie, because I think it's 15 years since the fact, well, I don't know the anniversary. I don't know, but as you know, I met him at the time, so yes, it's about 15 years. Yeah, we had a long chat. Wow, how exciting. He was in a broom cupboard with Boris, what was he called? Becker.

Becker, yeah. I wanted to say Boris Johnson. If I say that, it'll be a court case. Indeed. Not my first. Is it uncommon to have two books on well you see i i i'm reading um behind the shades which is a bob dylan biography and it's a fat book i wouldn't i would never take it on the road it's a fat book no i mean you're loving it

it's a large so i only ever read that on the toilet. Oh, my God. Then I don't have to carry it anywhere. And I think it keeps me ready. It's such a good book. Sometimes I go, I don't really want to go. I just sit... It looks mortifying. I'll just go for three pages.

Yeah. Yeah, so that's I think I have about four or five books on the go. You're a rotator. Because sometimes I feel I always have at least one non-fiction and

one fiction and often a slim volume of poetry. Depends what mood I'm in. Well, that's where poetry's perfect, isn't it? I always have it. I have at least three on the go. Books. Yeah, I think that's fine.

I'm all for rotation. And also, I need to have one on my iPad that I'm reading. If Kath moans about my reading light, I can go into iPad at night. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. My mum used to have a book upstairs and a book downstairs.

That's a good idea. She's categorically lazy. She's happy to admit that. I thought you meant she was under house arrest. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, a few more texts on cloaks this morning on 8.12.15. Again, I sense scorn.

Sense correct, my friend. This is from Leo, who says, re-high-vis cloaks, you were talking about, Frank. Sounds a bit cloak and digger. Oh, there you are. Which is rather fine work. Great pun. Excellent.

Not containing a pun, but I like... Oh, hang on, it just moves. Wow. How frustrating. Here we are. Frank, I went to a school where we had to wear big, long, woolly cloaks with a hood, four different colours depending on which house you were in. Red, blue, green or yellow. We were sometimes

made to wear them in public to and from school. I imagine they were great days as you walked to school in your yellow hooded cloak. Were you a child during the Return of the Jedi? Were you essentially a cat for help? I can't imagine the state school kids being particularly forgiving

of the parade of coloured cloaks. Maybe it could be from Umberto Eco. Google it. I bet it was a long walk to school on a rainy day as well. I'll bet. It soaked into you. Yeah, I get to school with thighs like strongmen.

I wonder if they knitted them with, like my auntie and auntie used to knit with a vintage car on the jumper. Oh, yes. Because on a cloak you've got a lovely camera. You could do the last supper. On the back. Frank, much as I'm loving discussing clothes.

Yeah, that's enough. It's been about nearly an hour now. You're right. I'd like to talk, I'd like to transfer our attentions to Pippa Middleton. Oh, yes. Have you boys been, she's got a... The last thing she should do is wear a cloak, of course. She's gotten with rather a loose crowd,

I think we can safely say. So just to recap... She's au Paris. Yes, she is au Paris. But she was in a car this week. She's been hanging out with this character called Vicomte Arthur de Soltre, who I'm rather obsessed by.

What is a Vicomte? A Vicomte is... It's basically above a baron, below an earl. Okay. Okay. Does that help you? No. Yes. Okay.

But he's, they all got rather overexcited in this car. I'll have a look at me, aristocracy wall chart. I've told you how to remember it. Okay. Does my lord ever visit Brighton Beach? That's how you remember it. Does my lord ever, and what does that say's how you remember it. Does my lord ever... And what does that say?

So that is Duke Marquess Earl Viscount Baron Baronet. Okay. Don't you love that I know that? I do. It's going to come in really handy. So? So this man was in the car with her, was wielding a gun, Roman Rabiot 36.

Is that the name of the gun, or is it...? No, that's the name of him. The fella. But she's... And it was sort of high-spirited, posh japes, basically. Can you imagine someone saying, well, that would have been well jokes, mate. Get the gun out. I imagine her sister is often in a car with a man with a gun. Yeah. That's become her life. I believe when Wills drove her from the royal wedding in that little sports car, he had a harpoon gun in with him.

Did you read that? No. The idea is if there was a gang of protesters, he'd shoot one in the chest and then drive round and round so as to sort of round them, tie them up, knock them up together, yeah, like a terrible table napkin in its ring. Thank God it never wasn't necessary. Never came to that. It's a great thing. I don't know if you've ever fired a harpoon

going, but it goes... No, funnily enough, no. It goes... As it runs through. Oh, nice. Brilliant. So she's in a bit of trouble now. She needs what I believe they call... Like Frank Spencer. She's in a bit of trouble. She needs what they call crisis management in the pr industry they call it no she needs to well if i were her i would open an orphanage in india pretty sharpish yeah do you need do you

know what i mean she needs to start showing well hold on she's isn't she one of the um hundred most influential people yes timing is dreadful really yeah time magazine has listed you sort of think in america they wouldn't know pippa middleton was i didn't know hardly anyone on their list of the most influential people in the world didn't you there was louis ck i didn't recognize anyone else. Rihanna. Oh, was there? As you know, has had a massive influence on me. As I speak, I'm just wearing a little Czech shirt knotted at the midriff. I'm surprised to see you in denim shorts in this weather.

I saw her in... She's gone up in my estimation, actually, Rihanna. I saw her battleship this week oh yeah and she she looks quite cool with um with heavy artillery is she in battleship or is that just no no she's in battleship she's i don't know if it's a debut acting role but uh yeah i i liked her in uh i liked her in that yeah i don't know i don't know what else to say about rihanna except i'm warming to her But, yeah, I liked her in that. Yeah. I don't know what else to say about Rihanna, except I'm warming to her.

Are you? Yeah. Because I used to despise her. But sci-fi can win me over. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I was going to speak then and Frank gave me one of his looks as if to say, I've got to do the business. On the hour, you have to tell them who they're listening to. When I say them, I mean you, obviously. I mean, yes, you. Frank, they're still texting in about cloaks.

Well, I'm sorry. Even that was disparaging. This is from Soapy. He was actually a lawyer. Soapy? Yes. Slippery character. I bet his cases are clean.

Oh, boys, what lovely work. Soapy says, Frank, some career change options for you. As a court lawyer, I get to live your cloak-based dreams every single day. Running down a marble corridor with a cloak sailing behind you is more fun than you can imagine. That's from Sophie. It sounds brilliant. And of course, they've got the protective wig. Should they go over?

The wig crash helmet. Yes, because their lawyers do look quite sexy in those cloaks. Do they? I find a little bit hard to believe. It's a member of the legal profession having to run anyway. Isn't it the slowest business? You know, you get a big crime on the telly or something, you think, oh, terrible thing.

Like, ten months later, it comes. What are they doing? And when they get to court, they say, right... What are they doing? So you turn up at ten o to court, they say, right... What are they doing? So you turn up at ten o'clock and they say, right, name and address. OK, we'll have a recess now for two... What's going on? Get on with it!

I think... It doesn't sound like you're cut out for the legal profession. No, not at all. Aside from the wearing of cloaks, it sounds like it would do your head in. And also for me to gown. Yeah. I believe they're a sleeve. Are they not sleeve holes? I think you're correct, Frank. wearing of cloaks it sounds like it would do your head in and also for me to gown yeah i believe they're a sleeve are they not sleeve holes i think you're correct frank it's getting too poncho based also get on with it never goes down very well in courtrooms the irony that you've got someone

legal on a technicality there that it's a gown and not a cloak yeah you go you see we've had another email your witness uh yeah you're on fire, you boys. This is in reference to you using pedestrians as a human shield when you're crossing the road. Oh, yeah. This is the joy of this show, that you get emails in just titled, Human Shield. Dear Frankengang, ever since watching Jaws in the early 80s,

I have used a human shield technique in the sea. Just in case there's a roaming great white shark there while I'm swimming, I always make sure that there's someone further out from the shore so that they get taken first. This is definitely a somewhat irrational fear as I used to implement this system whilst on holiday in Frinton-on-Sea.

And also, what if the shark has just been launched? It'll come to you first. Just been launched? It'll come to you first. Just been launched, one foot back in the sea. Exactly. He thinks life's like a James Bond film. I always throw them back in, sharks. Do you?

They make a mess of your keep net. Keep net? Is that a fishing reference? Oh, God, I was listening to the talk sport fishing show today. That was amazing. I always swim with Peter Crouch for shark safety reasons. Because they'll reach him before me. Anyway, I liked

it. It's a nice invention, isn't it? On the subject of inventions, I don't know if you've seen the news story this week? Oh, I saw some pictures of new inventions. Yeah, there's an invention exhibition. This is in Geneva. In Geneva.

In Geneva, no less. And all sorts of amazing stuff going on. Hands-free umbrella. Did you see that? I thought it was a bit unconventional for Geneva. Oh. You know, you say hands-free umbrella. That was a man with gaffer tape strapped to him.

That wasn't a hands-free umbrella, that was a man with gaffer tape strapped to him. That wasn't a hands-free umbrella. It looked a bit C.I.Y. And also they said shoelaces that tie up themselves. They're called slip-ons. That's not an invention. They weren't all brilliant. But as you know, I put quite a lot of money into the umbrella hat. And I got my fingers burnt, I'll be honest with you.

I thought, I've said this before, but when I first saw the umbrella hat, I thought, that's it for the handheld. Forget about it. Didn't catch on. Can't work it out. We'll come back to inventions, because I'm fascinated. I'm fascinated by the idea that people do that for a living.

They invent. And also lots of people do it for a hobby as well, don't they? Yeah, but there's some people that go, they're in the shed every day, you know, trying to come up, just a bit more gaffer tape on that umbrella. I've got to be a millionaire. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Where were we? Inventions. Yes. So we were talking about there was this, well, it was an exhibition of inventions in Geneva, wasn't it? Seemed to be mainly oriental people, the inventors. Were they? Yeah. Well, the guy with the umbrella, the hands-free umbrella, he seems non-oriental. No. Consequently, his invention was rubbish.

You could just put it down the back of your shirt. I was tiptoeing towards the word Caucasian there and thought, no, better not. But it's fine, isn't it? I think the only Caucasian if you're shot in an American cop show. Yes, that's right. That's the only time that's used.

Seriously, I think we've all dabbled with the idea of inventions, haven't we? Because if you come up with a real goodie, I mean, you can, not just make, I mean, you can make a lot of money, but some are very satisfying. If you take Hill, who invented the

Hill's hoist, you know those washing line things that are just like, they're like, so that they're like uh how can you describe them they're like a tree they look like a sort of christmas tree meets a tv i know hill's hoists they're called oh are they and hill you know he's not only did he make a fortune but when he's when he was driving around no not him no he was, he was, I had to watch too much telly. Well, we'll spend hours watching telly every day. It's a nightmare.

So, yeah, he must have drove past people's gardens and saw a hill's hoist in the, in the, and thought, that makes you proud. That's not true. I once read an interview with Eddie Braben, who wrote for, um, Walk My Wife. And he said he was standing at a Liverpool bus stop and, who wrote for Mork and Wise, and he said he was standing at a Liverpool bus stop and just had a thought and thought,

I bet one of my jokes has made everybody in this queue laugh at some point or another. That must be nice. Confident. Think again, Eddie. Well, they were. I'm quite a trough crowd, I think you'll find. This was in the days when there were only three channels and everyone loved Mork and Wise. I certainly wouldn't. I wouldn't think that if I'm in'll find. This was in the days when there were only three channels and everyone loved Morecambe and Wallace. I certainly wouldn't think that if I'm in a lift.

Having just done a joke. So what I'm thinking at the moment, my current list includes... Your inventions. Your inventions. I'm thinking of a cord fastening um under pant for a man so instead of instead of instead of elastication uh and not a knotted cord at the waist why would you have that because i've got and now along with the cloak i've got i'd say four or five pairs of pants uh that are in perfectly good condition apart from the elastic.

And it breaks my heart to throw them away. Are these briefs? Oh, yeah, because the frayed cord is going to look great, isn't it, in 15 years' time? No, but it won't. You're down and out. But you can exchange a cord easily. Elastic, you stop with it.

I don't know what it is with Calvin Classics. Elastic just doesn't seem to... No, to be fair, Frank, I was hasty there. I think you could have a point. Yeah, sometimes I go out in one of, I think I'll wear it anyway. I'll wear it even though the elastic's going. And they drop. And they drop, they hang either side of the crotch

of my trousers. Doesn't give you a good line. Like a saddle blanket. Over the spine of an emaciated horse. And that frustrates me. So that would be my thing. Forget elastic. Let's go back to cords.

What about that? See, mine's more outlandish. I would like some form of... a sort of arcade-style claw that could pick up my clothes on my bedroom floor. I could have a contraption on the ceiling. You could operate from bed. Yes!

And then it would... like an 18-wheeler reversing, and then it would descend, pick up all the clothes, hang them in the wardrobe. That would actually change my life. That is, I could have done with one of them when I was a drinking man, because I got to point very early in the evening when I couldn't be bothered to count change,

so I'd just give them a note every time. And the next day, I couldn't lift my trousers off the bedroom floor they had so much small change so I could get the claw to pick it up, it could tilt them slightly over my giant whiskey bottle to put

the change in and then across to the, well actually straight to the washing machine, wouldn't have been a bad idea looking back at least the dryer absolute minimum which which is in the same bedroom that you've got it all set up yeah it's it was a lot of dryer in a the drinker's bed sits perfect frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've been talking about inventions. You have. Well, yes, I have, actually. That's a correct factual statement. I could do with the same one as you, the thing to pick the clothes up. Oh, the arcade claw? May well save my marriage, I think. I don't want to know about that.

They're best at home with a cuddly toy, though, aren't they? Yes. That's close. Yes, very much so. They love a cuddly toy. I love an arcade. Anyway, so... I love R. Keith.

That's close. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? That's Frank's brother, R. Keith, everyone, in case you didn't know. 870 has texted in an invention suggestion. A giant Velcro mat to stick the kids onto to stop them crawling everywhere and wrecking the house. But wouldn't they have to wear Velcro as well? Or would you just stick it into the pores?

And they put a Velcro suit on. Body suit, obviously. Put them in a Velcro baby grow and plonk them down. That's what you do with kids, you plonk them. But it's great. That's a brilliant idea and i believe uh not that long ago there was an advert where there was loads of babies as if they were at a conference and i think they got in trouble because they did exactly that they

they put the kids on velcro they literally did yeah yeah to film it like mr ed used to have peanut butter put on the roof of his mouth very like like that, yes. And, yeah, I think they got in a bit of trouble. Well, in preparation for my child, I've bought a Velcro cloak. I'll just shove him on the bat while I'm shopping. That's your equivalent of the papoose. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Frank 503 says, invent a bin for plastic bags that heats up and turns them into a pellet for recycling.

That's an excellent, that's like a proper invention. I appreciate that invention. And also, I don't know about you, but I love to see a bin on fire. That's always been one of my favorites. Yeah, but Frank, I always maintain there should be a chute for rubbish. I love a chute, me. Oh, yeah. Because I also think, I think it's quite barbaric

to be expected to live with rubbish in your gaff. I think it's quite barbaric to be expected to live with rubbish in your gaff. I think there's still flats with chutes. Oh, especially in Glasgow. High-rise flats in Glasgow. Birmingham, certainly. I'm going to chuck it down the chute. Yeah, when I was up on the 10th floor,

I used to put it down the chute and I used to hear it... The bin liner, the bin liner. Did a little bit of jazz. Yeah. It's very Cleo Lane, I loved it. The bin liner in the... Into the bin liner. Did a little bit of jazz. Yeah. It did. It did a bit of jazz. It's very Cleo Lane. I loved it.

It did do a bit of... Yeah. You should have just been a guy on a double bass in the background as well. Nice. Yeah, I was thinking toilet paper. There's been nothing truly been done to that on the invention front. Well, Simon Cowell only has black toilet paper. I read that, yeah.

What I'm thinking of, I don't know, I've become over-meticulous in old range. I'm thinking, say, every ten sheets, it says on the sheet, relax, that's near enough. And what you would do is you would save, that would be good for the planet planet because you'd save a lot of um a lot of paper that's near enough yeah near enough clean that's well anyway let's not let's not let's not pass this p-a-r-s-e another one i had now this is a simple... I don't... Maybe people do this.

I've never... But I think this is a very simple idea. A cold water bottle for the summer months. Really? So instead of putting it... Why would you put it between your legs? Put it by your feet like a hot water bottle. You'd have cold water in it.

I mean, admittedly, this one isn't such a money spinner. No. Because it just involves using a different tap. But I don't know why people don't do that. Have you tried it? No. Oh, right. Doesn't it sound like a brilliant idea?

No. Well, this summer, try it and see if it's nice. And if it's not, then you'll know why nobody bothers. Maybe it's just not nice. The other one you see is, is to start with warm. He's got loads of them. Warm at night when you need to snuggle up, and then in the morning, cold to wake you up.

That's another reason why I stopped drinking. Oh! This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Frank, we've had an email in midweek. Hello. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. Very regular podcast listener whilst walking my dog. I do that. I do that. Podcast with a dog walk.

Good work. I don't know if I don't. OK. All established. Our relation to this in a fabulous sort of spiky chart diagram. Alpine Pop took me back. Do you remember Dandelion and Burdock? Do I? Bizarre combination, but a great taste.

Best double act I ever saw. A great taste long forgotten. It was a cracking... It was my favourite pop for for many years dandelion and burdock was it was it actual dandelions then well it was originally it was made with dandelion and burdock it was a sort of health drink i think that i could do with something but um i think your modern manifestation contained neither Dandelion nor Burdock. Oh, dear.

It's like, I mean, if you go and see Box Fierce now, you want at the very minimum Jay Aston. Yeah. Mike Nolan. You want one original, don't you? But I think in your modern day Dandelion and Burdock, it's D and B for you. When he says it's long forgotten, I would dispute that. It's still sold. You still see it?

Yeah. Where does it live? This is Chris. Chris, where does he live? We're assuming it could be a lady. I'm going to assume that he's in the south of England and there's less of a demand for Dandelion and Burdock. I think I've seen it about.

There is actually an Arctic Monkeys lyric, isn't there? You're rarer than a can of dandelion and burdock. Is there? Yeah, yeah, which I really like. I remember when McDonald's used to, they tried root beer when they first opened. Yes. How did that go?

Didn't catch on in England. Root beer, I almost thought, tasted like dandelion and burdock with a little bit of germeline. Just not that catchy. For some reason, people didn't go for that. It's weird, the obscure pop and germeline combo. And why would you have that when you've got a nice cola next to it?

What I'm saying is you can make your own, it's cheap, get your own dandelion and burdock and put your own germeline according to your taste. Yeah, undercut the root beer market. We had another email. So cloaks, dandelion and burdock, it's all happening. Early date venues, which we were talking about last week. Frank Allen and the delectable Emily. I would like to thank Emily for her generous sartorial tips via Twitter. And I should like to let the team know about the series of early dates.

Hold it. What sartorial tips via Twitter? Do you use some fashion... To cloak or not to cloak, probably. Are you a fashion guru? Yes, I am. I am. I'm like an app. Does this go... He sometimes gets in touch, Rob Hitchman,

and he'll ask me, what do you think? Should I wear this today? Really? Yes, and I'll tell him. Well, look, you're a dark horse. Well, fancy that. He lives in Zurich,

I believe. It looks like that. The series of first dates he recently embarked upon, and I don't know if he's being boastful or not here, I'll let you decide. They were, from the very first date, an Italian restaurant in Zurich, a castle in the historic Swiss town of Gruyères.

Bit cheesy. Indeed. Thank you. We've got to do one for every venue. We'll be here sometime. A cable car and fondue ditto, a top of snow-capped mountain. Very good.

A luxury train across the Alps to Italy. Ooh, he's on the right track. Ditto. Top of snow-capped mountain. Very good. A luxury train across the Alps to Italy. Oh, he's on the right track. Very good. Oh, pleasure. Bit up and down, this, isn't it? Very good. Pizza in Italy.

I'm pausing there. You've got time for a slice of the action. A water park and spa on the banks of Lake Zurich. Are we done? No, we can't do this for every single... Is this bubble burst? Yeah. A time-out award-winning...

I'm out. Okay, fair enough. Okay. I'll stop now. A time-out award-winning fish and chip restaurant in Wandsworth. Oh, it's going down. What the... Over what period of time are all these dates?

I'll get to the end. The Olympic Park Stratford, a Japanese restaurant in Canary Wharf. The Olympic Park Stratford, it's a building site. Indeed. All of the above took place over the course of just two weekends. He's capitalised two, let me say. I have to say, I love a date that involves a hard hat. Yes, so do I.

Well, he has. I once dined alone in a restaurant in zurich and uh i ordered this uh this meal when it came it was tomatoes sliced tomato and uh cut into a square and he had a a square of a cross of cheese on it so it looked like the Swiss flag. Are you with me? So it's a red tomato backing and a sort of very pale cheese. So it was all like little Swiss flags. And I sat there thinking, in Japan this would be easy, wouldn't it?

Just be a slice of tomato on a piece of white bread. Absolutely. And I think people should go in for that kind of thing. I went to a gay restaurant, they gave me a rainbow trout. I was dieting at the time, so I just had the bonting. That was enough for me. But no, that sounds fabulous. What a great guy to go out with. He's like a rom-com hero, that man.

Yeah, but Tina, when someone's overcompensating that much with the venue, you wonder about the conversation. Frank! Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, we're near the end of our extravaganza. You know, you said earlier you love a good bin fire. We've had 877 texting saying that someone recently set our wheelie bin on fire.

I turned the telly off and put the chair in front of the window. I love a good bin fire too. Good for him. The summer of rioting will be with us again. Yeah, get your donkey jacket out. Good time to collect those house bricks for the bed. So, yeah, so I'm off to

Barcelona. I'm off to Mumbai, Jaipur and Delhi. Alan? I'm off back to Manchester, later on Belfast. Yeah, we're all schlepping about, aren't we? I'd hardly call it schlepping about in my case. Oh, OK. I would in mine. Yeah, but I'm going to see Barcelona around't we? I'd hardly call it schlepping about in my case. Oh, OK.

I would in mine. Yeah, but I'm going to see Barcelona, Real Madrid. What are you going to do in India? That's a challenge. Exactly. I'll come back with my tails. What is their flag? What's the flag, the Indian flag?

What's that look like? It's going to be difficult to make out of food. That's my guess. There's probably too many carbs in a flag for you, isn't there? In a naan, definitely. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, there's no midweek podcast this week. I'm sorry to say that, but unfortunately I'm anticipating the delivery of a plum tree.

You know, sometimes it's just not convenient. So, right, well, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this week with a brand new show. Goodbye. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.