The Frank Skinner Show - Clog Regret

Episode Date: February 18, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been to Amsterdam and saw the Bootleg Beatles. The team also discuss talking dogs, operating a car horn and naive holiday purchases.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Guess what, Frank? Thirsty. Oh, close, but not quite. What if that had been right?

That would have been terrifying. Oh, man, the whole atmosphere of the show would have changed if that had been the right answer. You'd have been afraid of me. Eerie. I've just noticed they've already, they've been quick. They've already changed your Wikipedia to include your MBE. Have they really?

I never look at my Wikipedia because I imagine it will say stuff that will bring me to my knees physically. The reason I do, I'm not proud of this, I do it sometimes just to check your birthday. It's quite handy. Oh, yeah, that is a good, yeah. No one has really got any reason for missing my birthday but they find them oh they find them oh i only just about made it

this morning um people of um britain um because oh and there'll be other people listening as well um people of britain i'm standing in the middle Britain. I'm standing in the middle of my road looking for the car. Yeah. I've got Lucy, the assistant producer, saying, no, he's outside your house. He's told me. And I said, well, I have got a bad sense of direction,

but I can find the way from my house to the pavement outside my house. Anyway, the bloke was like 15, turned up 15 minutes late. And I recently filmed a documentary series about the 18th century writers Alexander Pope and Jonathan Swift. And I had, for three weeks, I had a car home and a car back every day. And three of them arrived at the right place and the right time out of all those. And at no point did I ever get an explanation or apology of any kind. So this morning I thought, he's not going to say anything at all.

It was 15 minutes. So I got in. We're not talking, in case you have a picture of me in a deluxe limo. It's really not. I've seen it. You know those magic trees where the scent went out of them in 1997? It's one of those. The cars you get almost look like they'd have those beaded seat covers. Yes, I haven't seen one of those for a while.

I think that's just the way the nylon comes up on the seat covers but anyway um so the bloke said absolutely nothing and i said absolutely nothing because i'm i now accept that being light and in the wrong place is such a commonplace to these blokes. I should no further... Please, blokes. I would no further speak about that than I would about the rising and the setting of the song. It is not a conversational piece. It's just something that happens over and over and over. So, no, he didn't say, sorry, I was 15 minutes late.

I was in completely the wrong place. He didn't say anything. And I've come to accept it. They've broken my spirit. Do you think there's some sort of policy where if they, they're sort of on the advice of their lawyers, if they admit it, then you get some sort of refund or something. So they're told to just play it straight.

I think they've just got bored of speaking about that, which is perpetual. Is it? Yes, is it a bit like when you're always given that advice, aren't you? If you have an accident, never say sorry when you get out of your car. You know, people always say that to you. You know what? Don't apologise.

I've got no idea now. If I was in a road accident, I have no idea what you do anymore. Someone told me you don't exchange phone numbers. I don't exchange phone numbers. A bloke drives into my car and two weeks later he's saying, can you do a charity do in Brentford? On my phone? No.

What am I going to give him my agent's number? What would you do? I think you'd call your PA. Yeah, but you know, I think she's on work to rule at the moment, so I've got to get her within her hours. I mean, I honestly don't know what I'd do. What do you do now if you have a car crash? I had one.

I'm talking about a prang. I mean, I'm prang. I'm talking about prangs. I'm not talking about if I'm being cut out with oxyacetylene equipment, should I give them my phone number? What I believe the Americans refer to as a fender bender. Oh, okay. Are you talking about a fender bender?

Yeah, I thought that was Yuri Geller's tour name. It's the big finale for Yuri Geller. It's spoons all the way up till fender. Wait till you get to your cars on the car park. It's the big finale for Uri Geller. It spoons all the way up till Canada. Wait till you get to your cars on the car park. You will see the last part of my show. Yeah. I don't know.

Was there a question? No. No. It was to do with accidents. It was to do with road accidents. And you were wondering what one does in that situation. I don't know what. Do you still exchange? I mean, there'll be loads of people out.

Well, I had one not long ago, Frank. Their fault. I didn't apologise. The gentleman was charming. Oh, he did apologise. He was so clearly in the wrong. I'm so sorry. My insurance company called me. This is exciting radio.

My insurance company called me and said, I'm afraid he's denying any responsibility. Yeah, that's what usually happens. Because people don't have the actual guts to say actually no, I'm not going to take anything. They go, well yeah, we'll sell it. Yeah, no, no. Yeah.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I love everyone because they're all God's children. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Listen, I very very nearly bought some clogs this week.

I mean, I tried to pair on. I was that close. And I did that thing. Obviously, I wouldn't buy some of those. I was in Amsterdam, by the way, in case anyone's confused. I tried some clogs on at the clog factory.

I went on a clog factory. I went on a day trip, which included a cheese factory, a clog factory, and then some windmills. What country was I in? That's how I should have started this. Wow. Did you go on your own or did your family? No, I took my family as well.

Did you have a breakfast of tulips? No. And tiny waffles? The tulip season, of course, is April. When you say of course. Yes. I wouldn't have known that. You know, it's still the Netherlands's, or the Netherlands, I guess,

biggest export is still tulip bulbs. It's the most medieval thing I've ever heard. Anyway, so I tried them on. And you can get, I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen clogs for sale. But often they've got a gloss finish and a picture of a windmill and stuff. Obviously, I wouldn't know if you've ever seen clogs for sale, but often they've got a gloss finish and a picture of a windmill and stuff. Obviously, I wouldn't wear that. So I found some sort of natural,

just natural, unpainted. Oh, really? Oh! You went back to basics. Low profile clogs. Unfinished kitchen floor. Just get back down to the boards. Exactly, exactly.

And I was thinking to myself, yeah, I would wear these in London. You know, what I call a naive holiday purchase. Yes. Where you're just wrapped up in the moment, you know. You're in, I don't know, Indonesia, and a local novelist has written 12 detective novels set in Jakarta, and you buy the box set. You think, I want to read about this forever. Next week later, a person at Oxfam shop said,

well, we can't really shift these. But anyway, so I came that close. And then I thought to myself, I don't want to do one of those naive holiday purchases. No. But I'm still, I'm not far enough out of it now to not be thinking, maybe I should have got those clogs. You have clogged regret.

What if I'd come in in clogs today? It would have been worth it, fella, wouldn't it? It would have sounded like you were knocking to come in as you came in. Yeah, like I was leading a horse up the stairs because I'd given up on the car. Did you see anyone wearing... Do people wear them out and about the clogs? I didn't see any.

I'm told that the cattle farmers still wear them because if a cow stands on your foot, you're glad you're wearing a clog. Oh. And also because they're wooden and the land is very wet because it's been reclaimed from the sea, they're waterproof and they even have a slight floating element to them. I worry that the croc has somewhat invaded their territory.

The croc is the space age clog. Is it space-age? But not waterproof. I mean, the material is waterproof, but obviously they've got quite a lot of holes in. Yes, clogs are not breathable, I suppose. No. Well, they would, though.

What did you wear them with? Were you wearing them with a jean? You have to wear them with a thick woolen sock. No, but what was your attire? Did you have a jean on? It wouldn't be one for the hipsters. You can't go barefoot. Did you have a jean on? It wouldn't be one for the hipsters. You couldn't go clogging barefoot, no socks. You'd have to go ankle sock bare minimum.

But what about if I'd come back and within a week everyone in London wanted clogs? Well, you'd kick something off, some terrible plague of clogs. I think that could happen. Renewable. So, look, I look, I did buy cheese and I did buy a Hard Rock Cafe Amsterdam T-shirt. So I didn't completely give in.

I thought you were going to say windmill. But I didn't buy a Van Gogh notebook or the Diary of Anne Frank or any marijuana. So I was pretty, you know, resistant. Did you bring the cheese back on the plane? That was nice. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was considerate.

I went for 1,000-day-old goat cheese. How did that go down well on your phone? I don't know whether it's the cheese is 1,000-day-old or the goat. It's not clear in the punctuation. But I'll keep you posted. But what's your un-wisest, naive holiday purchase? Something you bought where you thought, oh, yeah, I'll use this all the time when I get home,

and then think, oh, why did I get that? 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I have my first confession of the morning? Please. I think I'm in the wrong place for that, but nice to see you. I have been aware of the popular group Depeche Mode

for, what would it it be 40 years that long do you think yeah i don't know what depeche mode means i've never looked that up i've never asked anyone who speaks french what it means i've just let it go no depeche's hurry isn't it depeche's hurry, isn't it? Depeche Twi. Hurry. Doesn't that mean hurry up? Hurry up. So mode is fashion, is it? Fast fashion. Fast fashion. We've worked it out.

I love us. It's rubbish. I wish I hadn't bothered. It's about Primark. It's like the second, that other thing that's haunted me about my whole life, the second line of Frosty the Snowman. When I found it out,

it was something so tedious, I forgot it again. Well, ten Hail Marys. Yeah. And I think you're in the clear. That's true. Just because they did Personal Jesus, there's no tie, there's no link. We've had some response to my, what do you do when you have a prang?

Every time I say prang, I stop myself and say, this is a clean word, isn't it? Yes, it does have that air about it. It sounds like it. Yeah, it sounds grobby. Well, I own a faz, one of our regulars. Oh, yeah. Morning all, I once purchased a leather backpack in Turkey. It had a very strong smell which when I got home dominated my entire room my best friend still often references the leather backpack whenever

a bad smell passes yeah it's been eight years so well that's very tempting the I was in Africa and I bought where was I Ghana and I bought you know those things where if you swing them around birds peck

like a table tennis bat have you ever seen those things it's got like a ball on it it makes wooden birds peck oh yes yeah have you seen that I have absolutely no clue what this is. Okay.

You'll Google it. It's not your world. Can we have that? Can you just sample that for me? I don't know. Yeah, not knowing something.

Yeah, that, whoa. That's, I'm sort of, that's left me a little uneasy as if the floor has moved beneath my feet. I wouldn't bother, so you spin it and it moves a little. It's like, as I remember it, a lot easier as if the floor has moved beneath my feet a wooden ball

so you spin it and it moves a little it's like as I remember it's like a table tennis bat and as you swing

the thing there's wooden birds that peck I remember buying one of those I've probably made them peck two times

in the next 20 years starving hungry wooden birds we were playing with that you were probably reading the

Doomsday book or something. Yes, yeah. I know exactly the thing you mean, and it's fabulous. Oh, right. What it isn't, though, is that you buy one thinking, I've got to have one of these. I quite like it.

How can I live without one of these? And obviously, we always got the flamenco dancer. Oh, yeah. If anyone would go to Spain, which they did in the 70s. That was where everyone was. Not in my family family they didn't oh did they not when i was growing up i knew one man who'd been abroad and he'd been uh he'd been to center tripoli in when he was in the army that was it i didn't know anyone had been abroad at all that's the military service yeah exactly he had no choice

was he just different to the one man who had the car actually no it was the same man oh

ok so he was the real he was a sort of Indiana Jones if you live where we lived he had a car and he'd been abroad once

gosh yeah yeah he was... I don't think we ever completely trusted him for that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was asking what you'd do if you have a prang in your car. I genuinely don't know. It's a thing you should know if you're driving around.

Yeah. Sometimes it's nice on the show when we get a reply that is, I would say, austere. Facts only, no messing about. I'd like to have a stage persona that I did for like 10 minutes in my set. It was called Fred Austere. It came on, it was very sort of dry and serious and that stuff, and then danced and then left,

and then I come back on and talk to Rude for the remaining 50 minutes. Or you sort of combine and do a sort of soft shoe while reading out global warming statistics. Yeah, exactly. I think that's a good opener. As I think Brian Eno said in the King's Lead Hat, it will come, it will come,

it will surely come. Yeah? Okay. Well, 240 is our Fred Austere. Okay. The insurance company tells them to deny any responsibility. The best way is to record a voice note from the offender on site as he apologises with photos

for an in move. That's quite brave to start filming someone best ways to record a voice note from the offender on site as he apologises with photos. That's quite brave to start filming someone like that. It feels quite aggressive. Voice note. He's bugging himself. He'd turn the voice note on and put it in your pocket. How do you do all that though when you've just been cut out with oxyacetylene?

We've established you haven't. Oh no, you haven't. Sorry, that was another. This is for a prank. It's a fender bender. This is a prank. Yes, of course, yes. We've also heard from 854, I had a fairly big prank recently. OK. The lady immediately got out and said sorry

and admitted she wasn't wearing her glasses. Wow. Great for me. The odd thing about the crash was that I did not swear once. My dash cam actually recorded me saying, Oh, dear. This is completely different to my usual personality. It must have been the shock.

That was from 854. But could she not do exactly the same thing and their insurance company or phone up and say no no she never said that that's the thing these people was wearing her glasses hmm well it depends I got the dashcam is I suppose what she was wearing contact lenses people are very honest in the in the throat I am throat. I was in a prang and a man got out and started prodding me in the chest and said, you pulled that. And I said, mate, you really need to stop doing that because I'm very worked up and I don't know how I might respond to you.

So he stopped. And I swear to you, this is true. We were talking. Looking back, it was completely my fault. There is no question about that. But, of course, I defended myself. And he said, well, you're just dirty. I just pulled out right in front of you.

I said, no, no, I didn't. I said, you were too far across. And his wife wound down the window and said no no it was you you did pull out and i said how all occasions do inform against me which is a line from hamlet and the bloke said look there's only two form anybody we can sort this out I swear to you that is what happened I ended up giving him 20 quid to cover the dent

he clearly had no insurance the bloke I realised later why are you quoting Hamlet to be fair I would say I had been I was teaching A level at the time and I was teaching A level Hamlet so Hamlet was very much in my head,

but the bloke was not teaching Hamlet, as far as I could tell. He was teaching the non-payment of tax, and he got what he deserved. Poetry. Well, blank verse. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

I'll tell you what, though, it's never worn off for me, because this is how I've been in Amsterdam this week. Something that, from when I first went abroad, probably whatever it was, 30 years ago, I still love watching television made by places like the Netherlands. Yes. There was a music show that was on in the evening and there would be shows where an act would come on.

Everybody is like old. All the singers are much older. Ageism doesn't seem to be such a thing. It seems to be reverse. I might look into it. So what you get, there's groups like 10 blokes all in their 50s. And the songs are like, they sing along. Fee-fah-den-hee, fee-fah-den-hee-da-tee-long.

Fee-fah-den-hee. And they're all drinking beer and stuff. Fee-fah-den-hee. And you think, this is, I can't believe this exists. Who would be interested in this and then it pans to the audience there's like

20,000 people in this studio endless people singing along it was a great bit because you get those sort of there's one

video of blokes like that and it's just close some blokes drinking beer and it's like dripping off their chin.

We had a drink, why, why? And they're just throwing it down them. It's disgusting. And then, then you get a bloke who'll come out, a bloke about 50 odd, and go,

I love the world. And sing it in English and you'll get women crying in the world. And sing it in English and you'll get women crying in the audience. They cut to one fabulous moment in the audience. It was like a rock and roll band, of course. And those people dancing, there was one bloke sitting, you could see in the audience,

who literally had his hands over his ears. It sounds like sort of Saturday night TV in 1974. Yes, and then you cut to a chat show where it's like they're discussing,

I don't know what they're discussing, I don't speak Dutch, but there'll be a bloke like who's got like a fur jacket and orange glasses and long hair,

bloke about 70 who's been taken completely seriously in some conversation. I think, well, a bloke about 70, who's been taken completely seriously in some conversations. Who is this bloke? Everyone is listening to us if he isn't mad. Oh, it's brilliant. It's the thing with other countries' celebrities, because there's always so much context to explain. Yeah.

We sort of say, you said to a Dutch person, so who's this? And they go, oh, he's Peter Polder. Peter Polder. Oh, everyone loves him. But they sort of explain that

he hosted a show about rescuing animals. And also he... Yeah, exactly. Well, the names become, like when I went to France, they were saying, you don't know Clo-Clo? Yeah.

I'm not familiar with Clo-Clo. I had this conversation about Will Glahe the accordionist when I was in Germany once.

Will Glahe is not big in England. Oh man. Just like when I moved here and had to learn about Noel Edmonds.

Yeah, well I can, yeah that, obviously that's tough. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email, I've got a little bit of banana on my lip and I just can't shift it. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We've heard from Hopkins. Ah yes, go on then. Hopkins. Hopkins has an insurance tail.

Oh, okay. Hopkins had a fender bender. Mm. And Hopkins has enclosed a screen grab of the note that was left on his car. Right. Is this one of those when your car is stationary and someone clips it? So that's not a fender bender, is it? They clipped it.

The confidence with which you said that. You were a very motoring correspondent from the times. The only thing I don't have confidence with is when you operate your horn in a car, do you beep it or do you bib it? Is it B-I-P

or B-I-B? I say neither. I say beep. Do you actually say beep? I beep my horn. Yeah, beep it. Honk? You're very honk. I think honk is very American language type.

Yes. I honk my horn. Exactly. Repeat after me. Yeah, because I don't step on my hood. On the freeway. So, Pierre, isn't that interesting? We're all different.

Pierre is a honker. I'm a beeper. And I'm torn, as ever in my life, uncertain and anxious about whether I should be saying I bibbed my horn or I bipped my horn. Oh, the anguish. You don't strike me as a horn-friendly or horn-confident person. I'll only use a horn if the person ahead of me at the light

seems to have some sort of colour blindness thing and doesn't see that it's gone green. OK. I'll only use it then. I don't use it much. Okay. I think, you know, some people, you know when someone beeps their horn

and you look around, you see the bloke and you think, yeah, of course you've done that. My worst honkers are the, I'm adopting it now, I like it. Yeah, it's staying. Are the ones who arrive outside someone's house, for a lift maybe. Oh, yeah.

And they... I think, what is this, American graffiti? I've seen a leaker, I think, to... Is it? To bip in a stationary vehicle. Oh, I hope my neighbour's listening. John Hopkins. This note was left on my car

when somebody crashed into it in Tesco's car park a few years ago. I've kept it to remind me just how devious and cunning people can be. It's good to not forget that.

I don't think you ever do. No, I don't. I don't know if it's how I want to start my day. I mean, you were saying a driver broke your spirit this morning. I keep a note on how devious and that people can be, but it's actually written on my heart. OK. Well, this is... Would you like to hear the contents of the note?

You bet your sweet bippy. It begins... I would describe the beginning as unpromising. OK. Dear Ford driver. OK. Yeah. I'm really sorry.

Full stop. Bothered with punctuation in haste. I appreciate. Respect. Dear Ford driver. So they do know how to stop. Yeah. You do know how to come to a full stop.

I've crashed into your car. I've got the emphasis wrong. I'm really sorry I've crashed into your car. I'm writing this note because people are watching and think I'm leaving my details, which I'm not doing. I'm sorry. Anyhow. Any Wow. Anyhow. Anyhow.

Anyhow. I hope it doesn't cost you too much to fix. And then it's signed. It's a genuine note here. I've got it. And Hopkins is a trustworthy character. Yeah. It's signed with an S.

A bit Scarlet Pimpernel. Yeah. I mean. Wow. I don't. Sorrow, not sorrow. Yeah. It is a bit sorrow, not Zorro. Frank, what say you?

Well, there are many things to unpack here. One is the idea of feeling the social pressure after leaving a note, but then the note making the Ford driver your confidant. So he becomes part of your arse against them, even though you've just driven into his car. It's perverse, isn't it? It is, but there's something

dashing about it as well. I suppose when you're there and you think time to write a fake note, it's harder to summon up something else other than what you're doing, whereas you would have just written some Hamlet. Yeah, exactly. A man can smile and smile and be a villain. Yours, Bill.

B. What I like, Frank, though, is the S. It's given him a touch of glamour. Now I know. I quite like S. Oh, or her. You're absolutely right. It's a bit something that would happen in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

It's got that feel to it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes. Clive Silas. Oh, yeah. Has been in touch. Like Emily, I'm a Southerner who always thought of it as beep.

We're talking about horn honking. Yes. As Piano Belli would describe it and Frank would describe it as? Well, either beeping or bibbing. Okay. One day, whilst driving with my northern girlfriend, another car

cut me off and I was shocked and slightly confused when my girlfriend yelled out, Bip him! Could Bib be a Midlands compromise? Well, we did say Bib as well, I think. OK. So it's another one of those things where you get a little bit north. I like the concept of a Midlands compromise, though.

Yes. Yes. I don't remember anyone from home being particularly big on compromise of any kind. I sound like you. It's almost the sort of title of a book that you'd buy in an airport, The Midlands Compromise.

Yeah. And a sort of a silhouette of a revolver. John Grisham. Yes. Yeah, exactly, yes. Grisham finally tackles the black country. I've played softball with John Grisham. Shut up.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. How was he? He was, he's quite affable. Was he? Yeah. That was when I played when Ron Howard played

and Meatloaf. Meatloaf? This is a dream you had. What's the context of this? His life is really weird. Oh, my God. What? Yeah, I played in the 1996 All-Star Game Celebrity Softball

at the Philadelphia Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. I remember this. What? I used to have a picture of the captain of the team low five in me, but the captain of the team got cancelled, so I took that picture off my wall. Oh, we won't probe. But, yeah, Adam Sandler played,

and there's all these big names there, and I remember Adam Sandler looking at the crossing out on the team sheet and said, he looked around all these big celebrities and said, let me get this right. Chubby Checker is a no show? What a great thing to be able to have said in your life. Exactly. But yeah, there was all big names I cut out. More of them will come to me.

We've had lots of souvenirs being sent in. We were talking about when you buy something, you're on a holiday, you're in the country, you get a little bit skittish and you buy something and then when you get back you think, why didn't I buy this thing. Yeah, Dan Parsons says it's more of a work trip than a holiday, but I'm starting to think that €300 lederhosen

that ended up being single use were not a good investment. That can't be right, can it? Well. €300? They're made of tooled leather. Probably quite expensive. But I mean, that was an investment, wasn't it?

The lederhosen. Yeah. I think this is going to come out every October first. Unless he's got a really big centre bead at home. All right. I bought three fuchsia monkeys

from a gift shop in Jaipur. Fuchsia monkeys from a gift shop in Jaipur. Fuchsia monkeys? Yeah. This sounds like a coded message. Exactly. Three fuchsia monkeys. This is my life. It was the see no evil, hear no evil, think no evil monkeys.

Oh, I see. And they were in a lovely, almost a fuchsia sort of a felt. I've still got them. Okay. I've still got them. Yeah. And it was a real impulse buy. And even the guide that I was there with was like, are you sure?

You're really sure? Yeah. And I said, because they're quite big. Oh, how big? How tall would one of them be? I'll take a little picture. I assume they're crouched. Oh, they're petered.

Yes. Okay. Yeah. They're sitting, they're petered, yes. Okay, yeah. They're sitting, they're sort of squatting. Yeah. You know how they do. I know, yeah. I know the hands over eyes. But I don't know what to do with them.

What would you do with them? Do you have them on display? I have them in an office set up. I used to have them in the frontal area and then I decided they were distracting. I used to have them in the frontal area and then I decided they were distracting. I lost confidence in them. So they're in a back room now.

It's worse than the Tipton Slash Monkey. You've gone back to the future. Ruth Jordan has been in touch Read the car horn debate Maybe as well as the words For car horns being different As you travel north The horns themselves

Should sound different Like regional accents for cars What do you think? I think that's good. I like the idea of crossing the road in Birmingham and the old going, Duh! Duh! I think the London one should be,

Oh! Yeah, exactly. That's good. Northern Ireland, Arr! Arr! Arr! Arr! Anyway. Some comedian at home sitting writing that down

and thinking that's in my set. Do you think they will? Oh, God, yeah. People steal. People do steal a lot. Don't you remember that people are cunning and devious? Yeah. Where's that note?

Do they break your spirit? They do sometimes. I had an unfortunate moment with the person that drove me in this morning actually, Frank. It wasn't as high drama as yours. It rarely is.

But what I would say is that I was at fault here. I'm going to go I was at fault here. I'm going to go against the insurance company advice. We've had Pierre saying I've got no idea and now Emily saying I was at fault. What's happened to all those things which I hold on to? I said, as I got in, because I saw... I don't know if I should... am I allowed to name the company?

It's a well-known food delivery service which works for supermarket chains. Okay. Are we all on the same page? I think so. I said, oh, they arrive so early, these vans, don't they? It's so early. You know, because it's early in the morning. I think it's very, the noise, I mean, and he said, I don't they? It's so early. Because it's early in the morning. The noise, I was thinking. And he said,

I don't think so. Okay. Oh, wow. I think he was making a point that he's the bloke who works through the night. Oh, no. I told you that happened. I continued. I wasn't deterred. I said, no, I'm just saying.

I'm just saying it is it is very early it is very early because it's you know and the engine's running there's a lot of noise he said no no i don't i don't agree well and so then as we continued talking he said he got his phone out he said look i was told to arrive at this time. It's not too early. I said, oh, no, I was saying the van was too early. Oh, OK. And I said, oh, there's been a misunderstanding. He said, OK.

I said, I was making pleasant conversation. He went, OK. That was the last word he said to me. Gosh. Right. OK. Oh. That's someone who shouldn't't join that's a chat show compared to my journey just you muttering hamlet yeah i was like a like a silent order of monks

for me and this guy i think if you say i'm just saying i think he i i quite liked him but i felt i was just surprised that he didn't observe the social contract. If someone says, oh, I was making conversation, generally you say, oh, right, OK, I'll join you. But he chose not to, it's his choice. Again, I think you have all those sweet softeners sort of chiselled off you if you're dealing with the public. You're absolutely right, Frank.

I apologise to him, though, again. Claire! I'm rehearsing for the advent of the driverless car. That's how I do my journeys in. Completely silent. Frank, we've got a lot of people with castanets. Oh, yes. Have you got them?

Have they tried germaline? Oh, heavens, yes. Have you got them? Have they tried germaline? Oh, heavens sake. Now, castanets, I can see how that would be a temptation. Yeah. A lot of people saying, well, I say a lot of people, but we've had, apparently you were making the exact noise that people have been thinking of for the Brummie car horn. Yes, yeah.

What does that mean? Well, it's exactly how it would have been envisaged. Okay. The way you did it. Not far off clogs, Castanets. Clogs for the hands. I'm wondering if you had both. Clogs and Castanets.

Yeah, it's only contacting anything through wood. Wood, yeah. Oh, that would be... That's good practice, of course, for when you die. Yes. Anyway. Absolute radio. Mmm.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I'll tell you what I did while I was on my last night in Amsterdam. I went to a gig. Oh. Took the family i i went to see um the bootleg beatles are you familiar with their work yes i have seen them i saw them they're along the lines of sort

of no oasis and these types well they're better than this how are they they are they are they? They are. Are they good? They are post-Tribute. Oh. I saw them first in, would you believe it, in 1980, which I think was the year they began. I saw them at Birmingham Polytechnic. Gosh. And now here I am. They lasted so much longer than the Beatles. That's true.

Is it the same line-up? No, they have that advantage that they're able to get a new Paul McCartney and a new Ringo and stuff. But they are... I'd say it's probably better than seeing the Beatles if the Beatles were still going. Yes.

Okay. I think that's fair. Because what they do, they do the songs they do the songs you want them to do the way you want them to do them you know that deal you have to do

when you see someone who's been going a long time I'm going to play stuff from my new album which you won't like I agree, we don't want to pay the tax of own stuff yes oh but not only own stuff what about abuse of own stuff yeah like um i go i've seen bob dylan i don't know i've lost count of how many times i was gonna say a new bob dylan voice every 10 years and bob dylan i saw him one night when every bob dylan so I only recognise them by the lyrics,

and he actually did every song to the same tune. So he went, How many roads must a man walk down Before you call him a man? And then, Here Mr Tambourine Man, Play a song for me, Lillily lay,

He just did that all. I mean, don't do them. Don't do them if you're going to do that to them. It's verging on sarcasm. It is, yes. It's spite. Anyway, but the bootleg Beatles just do everything perfectly, sound perfectly.

And they're not, you know, no one's wearing a cap, which is another thing that happens if you see a band that's been around a long time. And also you get that terrible contrast

of the young musicians at the back who are supplementing them. None of that. What era? No death. No death. Both the dead people

were there. Absolute radio. Which era do they plump for? Well, this is it, you see. The first half is the 60s. So you get... Suits and clean cut. Early 60s, yeah.

What I believe they call the Sullivan suits. And hair a bit like a young Dot Cotton. Love it. The complete fringe mop top. So they do that. And then they go off and they say, we'll be back in three years' time. And they come back and it's the rooftop gig, Savile Row.

And they've become those Beatles. And then they go off again. And then you get the shot of Abbey Road, but it cuts to the feet moving, and they walk in in the gear from Abbey Road and do some of the lighter stuff. But they are absolutely brilliant. Did they do any local gears?

They go, and this one's for fans of Peter Polder, and then start with a downing beer. Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter, They didn't do that. They missed that opportunity. He did do. They did. I don't know if they always do the Ballad of John and Yoko, but the Ballad of John and Yoko refers to Amsterdam. So that got an enormous cheer.

And it reminded me, I saw Abba. What's the name of that Abba tribute band? What were they called oh yes we know the white bjorn again bjorn again i saw bjorn again in glasgow many years ago i mean many years ago and when they did um i was sick and tired of everything when i called you last night from glad they had to stop the cheer just because they had said the name of the place which they were from. Very American. And Amsterdam went down pretty well, I must say.

But they honestly, I'll tell you more, because I thought they were sensational. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what, the one thing they let me down. Oh, don't let you down. I did that. Of course they did. I tell you what, the one thing they let me down. Oh, don't let you down. I was, yeah, exactly. They did that.

Of course they did. I was, I was hoping that they might go the extra mile and have a Jimmy Nickel lookalike on drums. Because they toured, they did gigs in the Netherlands once in 64, I suppose, and Ringo had tonsillitis and couldn't make it, so they didn't cancel the tour. They got in this guy, Jimmy Nicol. What if they'd got him in just for the Dutch gigs?

If they'd got a lookalike of him. And then the guy who plays Ringo has a sort of bandage tied over his head. He comes on at the end. Yeah, he comes on at the end with lozenges, which they feed to him. Everyone claps. But, you know, when people, actors,

play famous people in films and they... Michael Sheen. You know, or, yeah, exactly. An actor plays everybody famous in films. No,en? You know, or, yeah, exactly. An actor plays everybody famous in films. No, but lots of people.

Daniel Day-Lewis play Lincoln and all this. And they get tremendous plaudits. If they do something like they gain a stone to play Churchill.

Yes, or do a particularly odd voice. Yeah. Or Gary Oldman, he did Churchill. And people think, you know,

they're amazing. The Paul McCartney sings like Paul McCartney. See, you know all those bits in Hey Jubilee? All that. He does all that. And he plays the same bass lines. And he looks a bit like him. And he's right-handed.

So in order to get in the band, he had to learn to play bass left-handed. Isn't that better? That's deserving of a long and tedious Oscar speech. Yeah, exactly. Do they do an encore? Is that built into their set, the bootleg? Yes, of course, you have to end with A Jude, really, if you're a Beatle.

Oh, of course. So they end it with that. When I was on tour once, i every tour i don't know it is with you pierre but i find i discover what's the big thing that's happening so look in the theater program like i did one tour and it was me and about 20 spiritualists it was all yes it was it was a big spiritualist boom and the last tour I did it was all tribute a lot of tribute acts

the tour you were on the theatre programme are you saying you're looking at what's coming after you essentially so I have a look at the programme see if there's anything I can rip the urine out of. Oh, I see.

On stage. And, yeah, there was things like, we were at a theatre where the Luther Vandross celebration was coming, and I thought... With great fanfare. What was the celebration? He ate a lot of cake. I don't know.

I don't really... I mean, I'm sure there are people listening who love, I wouldn't go and see the Luther Vandross if he was playing in my spare room. There was a lot of very specific tribute acts like that and then there were a lot of evenings

called things like, those were the songs we love. Exactly. Those crazy 70s. Yeah, exactly. And people who hadn't meant much effort someone who's playing uh naughty alder and then playing mark bowen oh no you can't that's it but the bootleg beatles are they are beyond all that because there is this theory an acting theory that if you play the same character for a long time, you find yourself becoming them. It's actually

some actual description of like a mental illness thing, and you start to become that person. I asked Richard Wilson if he, what he thought, he said he didn't believe it. Gosh! Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 8-12-15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. By the way, the next show is going to be pre-recorded

for reasons I won't go into. But if you've got anything you want, any thoughts or anything you want to send in in advance, then we can do it all on the pre-recorded show. Oh yeah, that's good. So you can, what's the best way? Email?

Email. Yeah, email us on, and I'll give you that one more time email email yeah email us on and I'll give you that one more time you can email us on frank at absoluteradio.co.uk love to hear

you can comment something from today's show anything you like oh god that was very radio presenter I quite liked it proud I liked it

you went love to hear from you or something like that I quite liked that by the way when I went to see the bootleg Beatles... If you don't mind me saying, you're quite sort of mentionitis with them. You're quite obsessed with them.

But I just wanted to... Something that happened to me. It's a theme of today's show is getting the car back. The car booked didn't turn up. I phoned the cab company and the man said, I've never heard of you. I have no record. I have no record of who you are. And I said, OK.

I said, so it's not going to come. And he said, no, I've never heard of you. I said, OK. OK, fair enough. And he said, good luck. It looks like he was dumping you. That's very Dutch. So I phoned.

Good luck. I phoned Uber. He said, may the odds forever be in your favour. I wish you the best, you liar. Good luck. So I phoned Uber. Now, I don't know if you've tried to get an Uber in London just lately. It's a bit like trying to get a hat.

Holy comet. So they usually, you can't get one. They cancel five times and all that stuff. So in desperation, I called. Is there in two minutes? No problem. Very, very nice, charming man. And I thought, I wonder if they're doing a sort of

bootleg Uber just for the bootleg Beatles reminding you of the golden age of tribute tribute cars to when Uber were incredibly efficient and you could get one in three minutes notice

all the old hits I'm intrigued by Mr. Good Night and Good Luck. Yeah. I mean, what an extraordinary thing to say. It wasn't the ending I anticipated. It sounds like you're having quite a bit of break-up with him. I know, yeah. But he left me on a high.

Oh, it sounds like you've had a fabulous time. I tell you what, we stayed at quite a posh hotel. Of course you did. You've got international representation. Called the Dillon. I was drawn in by the name. The Dillon Hotel. It was lovely, isn't it?

It had a lot of sort of American beautiful people staying there. Was it sort of Dillon themed? You know women in suede trousers oh yeah like that and uh people who could sit four at a table and all be on their phones and didn't think it was rude in any way and we went in there um yesterday uh as our last day and and my son remembered something that we hadn't done so we we came in from our travels um and we went into the bar which we hadn't been into before it was full of the beautiful people and uh the woman behind the counter said oh mr skinner can i help you and i said yes we've come to spend our drinks vouchers we uh forgot we had those but my son is reminded was your son as determined as you to hit exactly

the number on the on the voucher well i don't i don't know there wasn't a number on it it just said you are entitled to one drink at the bar but But I think the idea that we might have gone home and then remembered that was too much to bear. So we went in and got out. It was a lovely moment. And I think it helped the beautiful people realise that there's always someone worse off. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, can I ask a question. This is something that's been... You know, I was talking about if you have a prang, what should you do about it? Yeah. There's a thing which I must have mentioned on this show before because it's haunted me for years and I've never really got to the bottom of it.

And many legal correspondents might know, but it was always said when I first started driving, which is obviously, it was a long time ago, that if you ran over a dog, you had to report it to the police. If you ran over a cat, it was all right. Drive on. Yes, I've heard that. Yeah, is that true?

In this era of equality? I think they are different legally, yeah. I think that is true. I don't know if it's still true. It never used to be true. Does the legal profession acknowledge the nine lives theory? I think they must. It's a rule of nature.

You're absolutely right. It's an odd distinction to make. It is. Who thought that? Who thought if you run a dog over? Well, it would be based on something like Queen Victoria loved a dog. Or it might be, if it goes back far enough,

where a dog was often a working animal. I think it's because dogs have jobs. Well, speak for yourself. My dog literally gets up at half past eleven. I'll go back now. He'll still be sleeping. He'll be furious I've woken him up. Well, your dog is an influencer.

That's Ray's job. My dog's an emperor. My dog, at about half nine, goes to bed with one of those terrible whale-eye style look-backs that say, do you get the hint? about half nine, goes to bed with one of those terrible whale eye style look backs that say do you get the hint?

Would you mind? Exactly. Keep that eyes down. Your dog has very expressive eyes. Oh yeah, beautiful eyes I would say. Would you like to hear what Rod from the West Midlands Oh, that's near you, isn't it Frank?

It is. Rod has a frankly terrifying tale of things brought back from holiday. Frank, I brought back some dried chillies from a trip to Mexico. I consider temptation. You're in Mexico

da da da da da da da da Yeah, let's get some chilies. We'll eat them all the time when we get home. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And you think these must be the chilies. Yeah.

I like Frank's whole trip to Mexico. It's like a Disney film. We won't be able to get chilies in London. Yeah. So let's take these back. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Well, you don't want to get what I encountered, as you know, in Mexico, which is an hombre grande. What was that? Well, no, that want to get what I encountered, as you know, in Mexico, which is an hombre grande. What was that? Well, no, that was when the American, the tour guide, this American woman said, just so you know, we're getting on the coach,

we have an hombre grande with us. Wow. It's a way of explaining the gentleman was large. Yeah. Anyway, back to Rod from the West Midlands, on his way home from Mexico, with the chillies. Unbeknown to me, they contained a small beetle, these chillies. OK.

Over a few months, they contaminated the cupboards in our kitchen. All herbs and spices had to be thrown out. My wife, Wendy, painstakingly removed the intruder only for them to return six months later and contaminate again. Only the last three years have been bug free, but we've learned our lesson. Wow. Wow.

A different kind of bootleg Beatle. Yeah, exactly. Wow. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Regarding why it's illegal, or we've always assumed it's... You have to report running over a dog, yeah. Whereas... Well, this is how it used to be. If you run over a cat, you don't have to. We have an answer. I trust Georgia in Southport. OK. Because she describes herself thus. Hi, Frank.

Legal eagle here. OK. Legal eagle. The dog and cat rule was a thing however last year it actually became illegal in relation to cats too oh only last year yes david baddiel will be relieved he loves a cat he does yeah yeah frank um and then frank skinner 9 928, has said, interesting formality. Yeah.

I like Frank Skinner. Yes. Bit like they're leaving a note on your car, Mr Ford Driver. It's not from S, is it? Do you know, I think S might be my type. I like the sound of S. The mystery, the disappearing, I like it. It would be a different story if that note had been left on a dog yeah yeah that's true thanks skinner dogs were licensed hence why you had to report

the dog that's moira in harrow but that suggests moira that you don't have to report running over a dog now because they're no longer licensed there's some of the other messages have said have said this so now i can run over any pets i like oh fine don't i'm suggesting you're going to end the show early i think you should you said there is an argument why do you take it that far well no because there is an argument that you are better driving over a cat or a dog than swerving violently because you might affect another motorist. But it's all based on whether you see human beings as the stewards of creation and animals as some lesser creatures. Well, I know your strange views on that.

No, but some people... You've met my dog. How can you say he's a lesser creature? He's a king. Well, anyway anyway can he speak i think we know the answer to that he can because listen can he text in he's got special buttons which my best friend bought him don't ever touch those and you record your voice saying certain things so i've recorded my voice onto and you teach them how to press them.

That is made up. It's not. Have you not seen this online? It's genuinely... It's a thing now. There's a whole book, there's a whole industry around it. I've recorded myself saying, Toilet, please. The dog presses the toilet, please button. But does he or is this a theory?

No. My dog's paws aren't big enough to reach the buzzers. Oh, well, that excuse. I'm going to show you a talking dog that's going to blow your mind in a minute. My dog's paws are so big that a piano playing is a little fuzzy. I'm going to get revenge on you by teaching your dog,

when you're not there, to say things like, atheism. I'm off to bed. A dog can press the button for the message that it wants to. Yes, there's a woman who invented it, and it's what happens. I'm sure there's a woman who invented it. Frank, when you see it, it will blow your mind. They had the dog pressing things like, don't leave me.

Why did they do it in that voice? We could just do a normal voice if it's recorded. We have the technology. Yeah, exactly. They don't have to go, don't leave me. That's not necessary. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. that's not necessary I showed Frank Skinner the talking dog

one of the many but Bunny was one of the original the OG Frank I think you're coming round to the idea well the dog did stand on an elaborate I mean, I think you're coming round to the idea. Well... Oh, here we go.

The dog did stand on an elaborate mat of buttons and said things like, want to play now. But if a dog was... What if the dog's just walking across the mat? Yeah. Want to play now fish soup sedation, and then it's on?

What is it, multiple choice with these dogs? I know, yeah. Bit of a play, some fish soup, and then a drink of lobster. I don't know if you could just knock me out for, say, six to eight hours. I love fish soup sedation. It sounds sort of like, I don't know. That could be a band. Quite a poetic day.

Yeah. Possibly someone like Ibsen might have had a day like that. Yeah. Fish soup sedation. Frank, Lorraine Purdy has been in touch, just FYI. In Scotland, we say toot the horn. That's Lorraine from Glasgow. Okay.

It's a good word for a Scottish accent as well. And, of course, it's in the Frank Sinatra song. One of the best descriptions of Peru, maybe, ever. What's that? Come fly with me, let's float down to Peru in llama land. There's a one-man band that'll toot his flute for you. There's a one-man band that'll toot his flute for you. Can I say, I think that at least makes up for she's broke but it's oak.

Oh, I can't. I've never got over it. I never will. I can't like that. Fair enough. Okay. What about, what's the other one? Dance, about dancing.

Hey there, toots, put on your dancing boots. Come dance with me, to dance about dancing. Hey there, toots. Put on your dancing boots. Come dance with me. Come dance with me. What an evening for some terpsicle. I mean, respect to Mondo. Okay. What else is happening?

Well, there's a lot happening here. But we've had a lot of people, I mean, people are obsessed by this cats and dogs thing, Frank. Yes. Did people not know, or did people think differently? A lot of people are agreeing about the licensed element. We're also having some people really enjoying your poetry podcast, may I say. Oh, lovely.

Which you should listen to. There will be a new one out on Wednesday featuring, I think, Simon Armitage. Oh, lovely. Who's written a poem. The poem I feature is maybe a subject you wouldn't think of as naturally poetic, but he does it brilliantly. Check it out. Do you think you could train your dog to press a button

labelled poetry? Poetry reading. Oh, what about the first lines of poems? Oh, that would be good, Frank. I'd love that. If Poppy did that. But you know what it's going to be? It's going to be, oh, yeah, so poetry, park,

anal gland surgery. What do you want? The creepiest is when the dogs express emotion. I agree. Because when I've seen the talking dogs, and I have seen them a lot, they say things like, I don't like it anymore.

That's horrible. my partner says that without the aid of a mat would you like to hear from 474 who wouldn't hi Frank and team the reason you didn't have to report Would you like to hear from 474? Who wouldn't? OK. Hi, Frankenteam. The reason you didn't have to report cats is they're classed as free spirits, but dogs... By who? Let me finish.

OK. But dogs are owned. The same as you can't be sued if a cat damages your car, but you can if a dog does. That is from Sarah in Hinkinkley i see i suppose that makes sense in at least as much as you should have your dog trained and cats it's it's who knows yeah well there used to be a thing that my dad used to say that if if our dog got into someone's garden or vice versa, you could do something about it. But a cat, he always used to use the phrase,

and I don't know if this is a legal term, he said, cats have roving commission. And he always said it as if it was a legal term. Well, it's in the same ballpark as legal tender, roving commission. Or off the free spirit category, which is 747. Yeah, 474. Well, I knew it was an anagram of an aeroplane. Officially classed as a free spirit.

It's a bit of a contradiction, isn't it? Yeah, it is. I'm formally classing it. Most free spirits like to think they're unclassifiable but oh no they still end up

pigeonholed and a cat doesn't want to be pigeonholed Most free spirits end up making bad life partners as well

Have they put the cat amongst the pigeonholes? You see dogs being owned Frank Supervet once told me that he really, he doesn't like people referring to being owners of dogs. He said, you can't own animals.

We're our guardians whilst they're here. We're their guardians whilst they're here, which I thought was rather lovely. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't the response I was hoping for. Maybe they'd love to pay for their own food and veterinary treatment if we don't own them Yeah where's the button on the mat for that?

Yeah exactly What are your bank details? Does the dog have a budget? Will a cheque do? Yeah what if that dog starts ordering online once it's got it's got bottom literate? Size XXL, please.

Oh, man. I'm going to train your dog. What? There's eight squirrels in a cardboard box on Amazon? Sorry, that's one of mine. Oh, okay, Rex. Rex? Rex, I've told you about. Who's called someone a dog in the last...

Rex in the last 30 years? Hello, it's a car down. We've got a delivery for Rex. Rex? How many times have I said? What's that? Nine tins of meat and a frisbee? It's a frisbee.

what's that? Nine tins of meat and a frisbee? See, in ten years' time, obviously this won't bother me, but in ten years' time, we'll see it as a normal thing that dogs speak to their owners and say what they want.

Yeah, you've come round to the idea now. Things do change. You know, when I was growing up, children didn't tell adults what they wanted. They just took potluck. You knew one bloke who'd been on a plane once and he turned out to be the same bloke.

Who had a car. Reader, I married him. Couldn't do that then either, of course. It's different times. Different times. We didn't have marriage when I was a kid. It's different times. Different times. We didn't have marriage when I was a kid. You just jumped out of the broom together. That was official.

Free spirits, as the cat world would say. What if you got a dead cat ghost? What would that be? Oh, Frank. Oh, yeah. Did you think the cats pressed the buttons, Frank? If I ran over someone's cat, I think I'd knock on their door and say,

before we begin, what's your view on the nine lives theory? Let's clear that up. That's terrifying. He would do that. Yes, before we begin, I must ask, has this happened exactly eight times? Yeah. The thing is, when all the cat's missing and you're claiming no knowledge of it

but then there's a fresh grave on the top of the garden anyway enough of that obviously we love cats I don't actually, I'm allergic to them they can take their chances out there as far as I'm concerned and the first two episodes of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast, the new series around now, and there's loads of them.

And episode three, which I say features Simon Armitage, will be out on Wednesday. And what about this? Download it from wherever you get your podcasts. People listening at home will think, he just said that off the top of his head. You could tell he did it so naturally. Okay, well, it's been lovely.

We are pre-recording the next show, so if any contact, just email us over the next few days and the producer may or may not remember to check that out. We'll find out. Yeah. Might get some dogs pressing buttons.

Oh, God, that'd be great. out yeah might get some dogs pressing buttons oh god that'd be great you get people posing posing as dogs we'll get an email that says grrr anyway

if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out

this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio.