The Frank Skinner Show - Compliment Slip

Episode Date: October 31, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank received something that gave him great satisfaction. The team also discuss Harry Styles’ note, overdue library books and obscure claims to fame.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, that'd be lovely. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, modern, at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website, grab more. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website, Grandma. You've already had a few text messages from fans of your first choice track there. Oh, really? Yeah.

Darren says, awesome first track, Frank. Just saying that not everybody texts jokes. Sometimes people just appreciate your selection of music. That is, of course, if you're listening to this on one of the Decade channels, we played a different. So we might have just played I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. You think, fancy Frank loving that? Yeah.

And Darren. Yeah. Of course, I actually prefer the Dolly Parton version, if the truth be told. Yes. There's less... Oh, yeah. Just be a finder now. Stay with it, love.

Right. Stay with it. Don't go wanderinger now. Stay with it, love. Right. Stay with it. Yeah. Don't go wandering off and come back to it. Okay. Thoughts on weather, family. John at Johnny B has been in touch. Oh, yeah.

With car news. Al. Oh, excellent. Listen up, mate. I'm listening. Re-BMW door water ingress

oh yes brief explanation before I yes I opened I've had my car for a long time and I opened it I opened my car

no one ever says that do they I opened my car door and rain I think it was rain

water water ran out of it for I would say more than 15 seconds. I just had to wait for it to drain before I drove off. So this was the bottom of the door. Coming out the bottom of the door, yeah. For us to paint the picture.

So Johnny B continues, read your BMW water problem. Has Frank considered asking the original salesman from nine years ago? His name was Kylie. Hashtag better the devil you know. Wow. I tell you what's amazing about that is it was nine years ago since I bought that car.

I know for a fact. From the reg mainly. Well, I know. I know it because... It's Buzz's age. My partner was pregnant and I thought, I need a car with a bigger trunk, is, I know. It's Buzz's age. My partner was pregnant and I thought I need a car with a bigger trunk is what I thought.

I didn't think trunk, I thought boot. But, you know, I've modernised it. You didn't go estate though. No, I didn't go estate. Why not? Because I think then you've got to have like a dog in the back. I was going to say Labrador. Yeah, and some sort of DIY equipment.

I didn't want that. I have an estate but I don't have say Labrador yeah and some sort of DIY equipment right I didn't want that I have an estate but I don't have a Labrador or DIY equipment but the guy who don't come here challenging my stereotypes

it's a Clive Anderson moment always pulling down the gag pulling it down so I what was was his name

Kylie yes his name I would have never remembered his name you'd think you'd remember a name like that but they got and he was

he was a butch man and his name was Kylie and he in order he said I've I've put a track on the

on because you can load tracks onto the car this was a new thing at the time oh yeah and i got in and he'd put on i think it was um i should be so lucky he put on there ironically yeah so but i would completely forgotten well done of course it could be from kylie no it's from uh johnny b yeah but i mean... Oh, I see, yeah. I mean, you're not going to use Kylie as your online name. I mean, fairness.

If you play rugby at the weekends, which I'm guessing Kylie did. If Kylie is now getting in touch under a pseudonym of Johnny B, he's played the long game there, hasn't he? Yes, he's waited. He's waited nine years. I think he'd have cracked after one and a half or something, but no. It's probably some relevance to how long it was before Kylie's comeback or something. Maybe.

Can't get you out of my... Would you say it was part two of the Kylie Minogue story? I would say spinning around with the gold hot pants was a huge moment culturally. Yes. It certainly was for me. It was. My mates, yeah. I wish it had been called

spinning around with the gold hot pants that would have been there's a suggestion there that they'd been chosen for the the slippiness of their fabric

rather than any vanity region oh we've all had a drink mate yeah now listen Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. We were just talking off air. We do talk off air, you know. Oh, yeah. Some shows here, they sit stony-faced, the music plays. But we chat like old friends. Yeah. Anyway, we were talking about...

We do occasionally check that the mics are down. Oh, yeah, it's always good to that because there's quite a lot of vicious malice and what I would call Barrett Room language. Yes! But we were just talking about someone who I work with who Emily knows, I don't know if Alan knows him, but we were talking about claims to fame. who I work with, who Emily knows. I don't know if Alan knows him, but he's...

We're talking about claims to fame. Yeah, so I kicked it off with Rebecca Front, the actor. Her dad designed the logo for the Beatles' Rubber Soul album, which is a great claim to fame. That is, especially as she's called Front as well, and it's all about the front of that cover. He didn't do the writing stuff on the back, the Parlophone symbol.

What's the point? And you mentioned... And I mentioned, we know a guy, his dad made the Velcro fitted skirts that were torn off the Box Fizz ladies during Eurovision.

And we were... So if anyone out there has got what they would call an off-the-wall claim to fame, I'd love to hear it. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you just meet people and it's... Yeah. They must be waiting to get it out if they've got one of those

on the go I'll tell you what I'd like my uncle was the baby on the cover of the Nirvana album that would really that would nail it for me Mark Boat you may remember

we hadn't paid the ferryman with him. We still left him sort of loitering at the dock. Yeah, he's still moored. Mark Boat says, I agree with you about displays of screws and raw plugs in DIY shops. I think it's a message to me to follow something practical for a career. I absolutely love your Gerard Manley Hopkins poetry podcast. Well, thank you so much for that, Boaty. I am, boaters.

In that podcast, I mentioned the fact that, and the thing is, I am the least practical person, not that I know, yes, that I know. least practical person. Not that I know. Yes, that I know. Yeah, correct. And I never did DIY or anything like that. Almost never. But I do love those hardware.

Sometimes you'll get like 50 different types of bolt displayed like a peacock tail. I mean, it's really amazing. Maybe I like it more because it means nothing to me as an actual item. All right, Ultravox. I can see it as an art form. But they do. They ought to win.

You know the Win the Display Awards? I don't know what they're called. I think Al presented them once. Back in the day, I probably did. The pioneers, for sure. They, the glazes, they ought to go to a hardware store every, I mean, who knew there were that many drill bits

in the world? Oh, fantastic. It's something so satisfying. You said a mouthful. Oh, speaking of satisfaction, tremendous news. This week, for the first time in my life, and I've been waiting for this,

I don't know where the idea came from, but anyway, they turned up. I now have compliment slips with my name on. Shut up. Do you? Oh, man. What's the fun part? Block Frank Skinner.

Yes. And then agent's address at the bottom. Block Frank Skinner. But room for a brief note. What I thought I might do is actually send people I know compliments. That sounds a nice idea. No one's, I don't think, that seems to be what they're for. But imagine getting an envelope and it says,

I've always admired your posture, Frank Skinner. Oh, people would like that. Yeah, that's what they should be used for, surely. That would be a hard one to think of someone for because people have got such terrible posture generally. Yeah, well, I mean, it wouldn't have to be posture. You'd have to be careful what the compliment was. You don't want this...

I don't want my compliment slip to be Exhibit I in a court case. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You have opened the floodgates, Frank Skinner. Oh, you've lit up the switchboard. Yeah. With, what was he asking again, Al? I can't remember.

Claims to fame. Yeah, claims to fame. I'm excited about these. Yeah. I mean, there's a rich tapestry here. We've got Claire Beharal. I shared my bag of fruit pastels with Dick and Dom at Strictly last year. Oh, wow.

That's a double. Just to get into Strictly is quite an achievement. Dick and Dom. Alistair Burrell, you take your pick. Nastassi, is that Ili Nastassi, wore my police helmet at Wimbledon in 1992. I think I have an image of Ilyn Astarte in a police helmet. That's a good claim to fame.

That is excellent. He was a fun character, actually. He was. This is more local claim to fame. Can I just say that the Dick and Dom one reminds me of when I was at a film premiere eating popcorn and Bob Geldof came over and said... Are you still upset about this? I wouldn't give him any.

I know. He said, come on, get some popcorn. No, please. I said, say please. He wouldn't say it. Yeah. Paul Pox. Nothing he has done has made up for that, in my opinion.

He fed the world. Yeah. Not with my popcorn he didn't rude there's no excuse for rude how rude

well I mean it is rude to not say please if you're asking for somebody else's food you're right you tell him Paul Pox

I set myself on fire lighting candles as an altar boy at Christmas Midnight Mass in front of the whole town. The priest ran down off the altar and put me out. So he became something of a local celebrity. Oh, how better did you hear the burning choir boy?

That reminds me of when I briefly had a milk round at school and I was at the farm where all the milk rounds collect the milk and I it was my job to take this you know those in the milk terminus yeah yeah the milk terminus the farm I think it was called but you know those trolleys you know the trolleys that uh Ewan McGregor threw at the coach you know those sort of it's like an l an L shape with wheels at the bottom. I had one of those stacked with about nine crates of empty milk bottles and I drove it into a brick and they all just in slow motion fell to the ground and smashed everywhere. You know what? I wasn't there, but I can hear it.

Oh, everybody heard it within about a two-mile radius. There's something about those metal crate things. They're very distinctive. I had a weird experience. I was going to see the butterfly ball at the Albert Hall. This was your first interest in poetry, was it?

Yeah. Butterfly ball at the Albert Hall? Yeah. I don't know if you remember the butterfly ball. It was a sort of a deep purple spin-off project. I remember Vincent Price was the narrator that night. Anyway, we drove down from Birmingham to see it. We parked the wrong side of...

Is it Hyde Park? And so we had to run across the park to get to Albert Hall. And it was obviously pitch black in the park. There's nothing. to get to Albert Hall and it was obviously it's pitch black in the park because there's no there's nothing and what came into my head was I bet there'll be

one of those metal milk crates and I'll run straight into it and go why that? Yeah. Why that? Why not an animal

or something? Yeah, shopping trolley. Yeah. But that it was the metal milk I was waiting for it to hit my shins and go over there.

There must be some nightmarish imagery in them which had entered my very subconscious. And relaxed. You're asking for obscure claims to fame. Is that how we would pitch this text in? I think it's a pre-seed. I think we can put obscure in brackets. Oh, OK, just any old claim to fame.

I don't mind if Neil Armstrong was to text in. Well, 160 has a good and timely one, I would suggest. I have a very topical claim to fame. In 1972, my dad was... It doesn't sound very topical so far. So far. With our show, that is very topical. Yeah, exactly.

My dad was the assistant to Laurie Menemy at Grimsby Town. Oh, no. Grimsby would play Middlesbrough in a pre-season friendly and my dad let me sit on the bench. I was 10 years old at the time. At half-time, there were lots of substitutions of which Nobby Styles was one.

Nobby Styles took his front teeth out and handed them to my dad, who in turn handed them to me and said, put these in your pocket. I was retching at the thought of the teeth in my pocket. Different times. But not many people can say they've had a World Cup winner's false teeth in their possession,

Gordon from St Albans. That is brilliant. And full respect to Nobby Stiles, by the way, who features in Three Lions, of course, for his famous World Cup dance. Can I tell you that the headline in the Birmingham Mail was that former West Brom boss and England World Cup winner.

I'll be starting. That's right. I'm never afraid of the parochial, the Birmingham male. He was Albion manager for about six months max. But yeah, also won the World Cup. There'd have been some

clinking of champagne glasses when they wrote that in Grill Steakhouse. Oh, man. Fab. Frank, Cathy Moore has a claim to fame. It's not claim to fame. What did you... You called it something else. I can't remember. I think I did say claim to fame.

Oh, did you? OK. Cathy Moore. How does she like it? How does she like it? More, more, more. She says, My late husband hired David Bowie's band to play at Stockport College Student Union for £20

David turned up but the band didn't so he only gave him a tenner but did he perform? this was in the late 60s yes I believe I assume he did that would have been his Anthony Lulee £10 for I was walking down the high street

when I heard footsteps. Get off! Hold on. I haven't metamorphosed into my most productive creation yet. We haven't gone all night. That's very good. Turned into a sort of a fictional rock star with angst problems.

It's too early for me. Can I be the long-haired one that sings kooks? No! Get on with it! That's obviously if Russell Grant was in the audience. You could see the whole future spread out before him like a big flan. Frank, Joff Small has a great... Who?

Joff Small. Joff Small. Joff. Has a great one. I bought my house off the guy who is in charge of maintaining T.V. Morse's Jaguar. Oh, wow.

Off the wall, plate of fame. Fantastic. That is good. And finally, Andrew Duthie went to the same nursery as Cyril Regis's daughter. Oh, very good. It's a very lovely, beautiful West Brom theme. Eddie Jarman has said his claim to fame,

Coolsdon. My claim to fame is that I wrote into the show about my incredible bravery whilst feeding alligators on a swamp tour, only to have my location get far more attention than my story. Oh, was it? It's him that started your... Oh, he started Coolston.

He started Coolston. Oh, wow. You ran with quite a different thing from what he was... He's the sort of Alexander Graham Bell of Coolston. That's fantastic. I'll tell you what my ambition is. What I'd like to do is train and become an antiques expert and then get on Antiques Roadshow

and dress in a very sober, non-eccentric fashion. Yeah, we don't have a lot of that, do we? Oh, I'd love that. I'd just love to. A nice grey suit and no monocles, nothing sensible. Joanne Ward from Leeds. In the early 2000s, as a student, I was working in an art and office supply shop in Southampton

when Craig David's mum came in to get a photocopy of Craig's passport. Oh. I tried to do an extra copy and keep one as a very unethical memento, but she twigged and took them both. Did she? I mean, come on, Johan. There used to be a very good... Well, I never actually...

Never begin an anecdote by suggesting it's very good. There's a story I liked about Brian Ferry losing his passport in America. Do you know that? Oh, yeah. And he phoned his agent and said, can you sort it out? And they said, well, it's really difficult. But they really pushed the boat out. And they got FedExed a passport to Brian Ferry, a replacement passport.

And the agent got a call at about 4am from Brian Ferry in America saying, who authorised this photo? I hope it's true. Obviously what he would have said was, who authorised this photo? Probably. I hope it's true. Obviously, what he would have said was, who authorized these photos?

Probably. Go on, next. Well, I actually wanted to ask you something, which is, you know in celebrity auctions, Frank, I don't know, have you ever been put forward in a celebrity... Yes, you have, actually. Yes, I... Do you remember what that woman paid a lot for?

What, a company for lunch with you, was it? She paid three grand to have lunch with me. I don't think I ever told you about that lunch, did I? I think you might. I don't know. Depends. I don't know if you did. Is it broadcastable?

I remember I got like a grand more than Cherie Blair on the bidding. And I thought, this is a lot of money for having lunch with me. Three grand for lunch with Frank. I know. Well... I got that for free last August at the Edinburgh Festival. In fact, Frank paid for the burritos, if I remember rightly. But then it turned out that there was a couple,

and they were really nice, and we were talking about Milton, I think, for some part of it. Lovely. And then, I mean, I mean, the Paradise Lost guy, not the surrealist comic. Oh, yeah.

But then she said, anyway, come on then. And I thought, oh, no, what's this? What's going on? She said, so Sean Bean, what's he really like? And then the whole of the meal was about the times

I've met Sean Bean and what he was like off camera, et cetera, et cetera. And I said, I said, I remember I gave him some coffee that was made out of beans

that had passed through a wild cat. You know this? Oh yeah. And she said, yeah, through a wild cat, you know this thing? And she said, yeah, and he said, have you got any sugar? And I said, oh yeah, he did say that. And then she said about nine other verbatim things that he'd said. And I realised I was three grand because

I'd met him a few times. If he'd have been the lunch, it would have been... Oh, man. Did she pull down her... Well, that's a big story. Did she pull up her sleeves and have 100% blades tattooed? Oh. That's what he was.

Yeah, she didn't show me if she had. Well, tell me what you think these... But what a second-hand bit of bidding that was. I was used. i was just used for my for my bean connection well tell me which of these you think i should go for and what the prices are so this is this is a very good cause this is my godmother penny you're familiar with her work frank um and it's the sick children's trust. They do this online auction. So here are the prizes up for grabs. And I was surprised at some of these prizes.

Dance Masterclass with Anton Dubik. Beck. Is it Beck? Yeah. The rumour is that he's Tony B because he's real name. I asked him once directly and he faltered. I felt cruel to pursue it. With Anton Dubik.

Well, I really, really like Anton. Yeah. Do you want to weigh it up against something? A phone call from renowned actor Michael Crawford. Well, I'd have certain conditions, I'm afraid, attached to that. And I don't know if he'd be prepared to fulfil them. If he didn't say, ooh, Betty,

I wouldn't give you top safety and tapenny for it. Ooh Betty I'd probably go three grand. Yeah. You'd need a lot more than top and tapenny for the Michael Crawford

phone call. Go on. Do you want to know? So I think and then finally I'll give you a third one to mull over. Okay.

Lunch with Dragon to Kusillaman. Ooh. Dragon's Den. How many times has he met Sean Bean? Yeah. It's also a bit embarrassing when he puts all the money

for the meal on the table at the beginning. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Well, I need to say I left us on tenterhooks now. Of course you did, yes.

I've got to reveal the prices. What are tenterhooks? Are they anything to did, yes. I've got to reveal the prices. What are tenterhooks? Are they anything to do with camping? 8, 12, 15. I've always thought they sounded a bit insect-y. Yeah, that's what I think they are. Some people think they're tender, but they're not, are they? Did I get it right with tenterhooks?

Yes. I check with always Frank Skinner. He's my grammarian. So, I offered you, this is this auction for the Sick Children's Trust. You can win Dance Masterclass with Anton Dubek. Right, I'd pay top whack for that. Because I think it would be a laugh. Well, I'm thinking of getting it.

And I'd come out being better at dancing. I genuinely think I should do it. Oh, that'd be good. I think I might. The other celebrity options are limited edition signed Alan Shearer shirt, but let's focus on call from renowned actor Michael Crawford, lunch with Tuka Suleiman, and dance class with Anton Dubek. I mean, Anton Dubek's going to...

If I got three grand to talk about Sean Bean, who I've met like four times, then should they're going to go five? Do you know what current bid? Go on. 325. You are kidding. Come on.

I'm going to get that. I'm going to snap that up. Phone call from Michael Crawford, £800. Yeah, but these are going to go up. The problem with that, though, is that a lot of people could pretend to do it. Yeah. Yeah, that bloke from...

I'm playing cricket against the Bahami Army, and they had a player who wore a beret when he was fielding and batting, and, like, if the ball hit him on the pads, he'd go, oh, that was quite close, And he did the whole thing. See, even Frank could do it. And then, I mean, he's driving me a bit insane with this. And then they had him in the commentary box and he was going, oh, Frank Skinner comes in the...

Oh, I think someone's done a whoopsie. I was like, oh, stop it. Stop, it's like a disease. Poor lad. I hope he's... God bless him, though. I hope he's listening. I hope he's... God bless him now. I hope he's put the beret... Poor lad, God bless him.

I hope he's put the beret wider. Oh, man. So, yeah, he could always do it. Yeah. He could be contacted through the Barmy Army. Carry on. And Tuka Suleiman, I can't remember what his was. I think he was, he's more,

lunch with Tuka Suleiman is more than the dance class with Anton. So come on. I suppose you'd get a lovely lunch with Tuka Suleiman. And also you'd come out with a business. It's going to lead to profit, isn't it? Yeah, do you think you might come, is that part of it? He sets you up for a business is going to lead to profit. Yeah, do you think you might... Is that part of it? He sets you up in a business. Whatever business you're in,

he probably streamlines it just over lunch, just absentmindedly without meaning to. But you'd be like it as well, wouldn't you? Start putting the Worcester sauce on and say, if only there was a sort of an alternative to Worcester. Will you give me £200,000 to research that. Apparently, the producer said

there was a five minute ceiling to the phone call with Crawford. Okay, that's plenty. How much would, what would your ceiling be? For the phone call? If you were offering a phone call, what would your ceiling be? Well, it depends what the, you know the special request what would my ceiling be? Well, it depends what the you know, the special request.

What would my ooh Betty be? You might have to sing three lines or something. Yeah, I'd have to sing a bit of three lines probably. Oh, that's what yours would be, Frank. Yeah. But, you know, it's for a good cause. Yes, this is true. I don't know. I was on, I think it was

BBC Breakfast or This Morning, one of those. It's very hard to identify them separately. Yeah. With Michael Crawford. He was very sort of friendly. Is he? Yeah, but I didn't ask him to do Who Bet You? That's the test.

I'm really glad you didn't ask him, Frank. I'm slightly surprised you didn't ask him. But it would have been, now. Absolutely, honestly. It would have been, hey, come on, before you go. God, she does a new Betty for us. You've always got to ask yourself. Here's the thing, an empathy lesson.

Number one, if Michael Crawford had said, Frank, seeing Jules Ramey still gleaming, how would you feel? I'd have done him as a swapsies. Ooh. still gleaming. How would you feel? I'd have done it with a swapsies. Once he'd started I'd have been on the floor before he'd actually got to the...

Ah, brilliant. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. As the motoring correspondent of this show, I feel like it's... I mean, for a start, I don't think I should be the motoring correspondent, but, you know, people have dubbed me such,

so you take it, don't you? I think of the three of us, you've earned the right. OK. Well, I feel like I should bring it to your attention that Harry Styles has been in the news this week because his car broke down and whilst waiting for it to be towed away, he went into a fan's house.

She wasn't there and he wrote her a nice little note and said, oh, I've been in your house and I've fed your fish and stuff. But the big bit missing from this story for me is that Harry Styles is the sort of person who has cars that break down. I haven't heard it happen. It's such a 70s thing to happen, surely.

Well, the last person I heard that happened to was on this very show, Alan, when Ed Byrne was due to guest in the days when we had guests. Oh, yeah. And do you remember, we got a call saying his car's broken down and we said, well, that's a bit 70s.

Then we heard he'd fallen in a ditch. Well, the car had. The car had gone in a ditch. Yeah. This is BC before Cockrell, this story. Sorry, Al. It's all right. But it wasn't his car.

That was a car he was being driven in. Yeah, but then they said the RAC had been called and Frank said, I thought that died out in the 1960s. Well, you think of those, you know, those metal RAC had been called and Frank said I thought that died out in the 1960s. Well you think of those, you know those metal RAC badges you get on Hillman Hunters. Yes. I mean this story

there's an Agatha Christie story called The Mysterious Affair at Stiles and this I would like to. There have been a few of those. I would like to get a job as a tabloid detective because I read this story about four times and more and more things puzzled me.

I mean, your point about the car, I can't believe he drives a car that's capable of breaking down. And if he does, don't eight people turn up immediately from his... You'd think. His entourage. He must have a panic button, a sort of things aren't going right. Well, also, he can fly, if you remember. Why didn't he just...

I'd forgotten about that. Why didn't he just speed off home? I mean, I better not... For people that are unaware, we should explain that there's a Harry Styles music video where he flies. For too long. It's one of those when they think we can make it look like he can fly

and it's out of doors, it's quite impressive. But what you want to do is hold back and then towards the end, fly. But he goes off early. And then he's just up there trying to think of stuff to do. Like a hummingbird. If anyone wants to check it out,

the producer just reminded me, it's a Sign of the Times video. It's a sign of the times. No, not that one. Not that one. No, but anyway. But his car wouldn't break. Of course, his car... This No, but anyway. But his car wouldn't break. Of course his car... This is the weird

thing. He doesn't have reverse gear, you know that. As you say. He doesn't have reverse gear. It's a bit Austin Allegro. Hang on, there's a joke. Oh, go on. Why doesn't Harry Styles' car have reverse gear? Because it goes one direction. Oh, there we go. Yeah, so... Trey Bond. No, but first of go. Yeah, so...

Trey Bond. No, but first of all... OK, so I agree with what you're saying about the... It wouldn't break down. It wouldn't break down. And if he did break down, yes, there'd be a panic button and ten people would come out of nowhere to help him. So then he goes into someone's house,

but it says that he's taken into the house by the man, a friend of the owner of the house, not the house. He's led in. Does the man stay or does the man go? He's led in. Is he left in the house on his own? On a toilet.

Good point. Why are there no pictures of him with the other people? Well, I'll tell you why. Because his first thing, he thought, this is a great story, I'll get this out. And then he thought, hold on, I was in someone else's house. Two households mixing together. Maybe I'll say it was a neighbour who led me into an empty house

and then I stood about in... That's my first theory. You're right. I have other theories about this story. Stick around. We've just got a couple of claim to fame. Off couple of claim to fame, off-the-wall claim to fame, I believe you called it, Frank, more specifically.

Carmel McKenna, Bruce Forsyth hit a golf ball that landed on my legs on the Des O'Connor show, and that was in the early 90s. Landed on your legs on the Des O'Connor show? It adds more to that. It definitely is. Was Carmel in the audience and he chipped,

maybe he chose a Niblick and he just chipped one off the stage, off maybe a special, a little square of AstroTurf they'd put down. It landed in her lap. Or was she, was she the one in the glittery leotard and he was supposed to be driving it

straight and he spliced it yeah it's from the kneecap i like not knowing paul jolly um at mr malcontent he sounds like a nice friend for you as a young lad i got bitten by Ed StuPort's Alsatian. Sorry. On my paper round. Ed StuPort Stewart, in case you don't remember him. Quite a harrowing experience. I believe he was a Cracker Jack presenter. It's children's TV. And he also did a really popular radio show where they played... I don't know if such a thing exists now. What, a really popular radio show? they played I don't know if such a thing exists

now what a really popular radio show not the right I haven't heard of one in these parts but do they

have radio they have cool kids but they play stuff like Beyonce on there but this was stuff like

train whistle blowing make a thumbelina, thumbelina, pretty little thing. I once was an ugly duckling. It's all that. Yeah. But I don't have any radio station that plays that stuff. Maybe we should start.

Imagine playing weird music. Yeah. Me, a swan? Ah, go on. Yes, you're a swan? Ah, go on Yes, you're a swan Sorry, that's the spoken bit From the ugly dog clip Well, that's fabulous stuff

Can we get back to Harold? Of course we can Harold Stiles Do you think he was Chris and Harold Stiles? I bet he wasn't No, I think not It'd be Harry You referred to him frequently as the Stiles. I bet he wasn't. No, I think not. It'd be Harry. You referred to him

frequently as the Stiles boy. Oh, yeah. We're discussing his recent car breakdown and then he ended up having a cup of tea. I mean, he's a man who's been in the tabloids many a time and oft for his ways

and yet this news story has made me think, if I ever met him, my first question would be, so what are you driving these days? And I never thought that would be what I would ask Harry Styles about. I thought it would be more gossipy. My first question would be, how come you didn't learn joined-up writing at school? Oh, it's his notes.

The notes he left for this van was quite a long note, all in block capitals. Right. Like he's a man who lived on ransom money in his wilderness years before they... I never trust anyone who's overly reliant on caps. I mean, you've got to say the old, there's no need to shout.

Playing devil's advocate, maybe he realised he was writing it for a 13-year-old girl and he thought, I won't do my best joined up in case it's hard for her to pass out my meaning. Well, give her something to aspire towards. I've got a lovely letter from Arthur Miller. Where did his car break down? He wrote it to me from a hotel in New York.

It was lovely. And it's, do you know, his writing is spectacular. I can believe that. Yeah. I mean, I believe all of the story. You've got the letter and his writing being great. I've aspired towards Arthur Miller's writing ever since that day. Give her something to aspire towards, Harry.

Yeah. Well, I've aspired towards Harry Styles' writing since I saw the thing. And I'm now writing things like sausage and chips for local hospitality outlets. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What I wanted this story to turn... Now, I mean, I've got nothing against Harry Styles.

I'm sure he's a lovely fella. But you want it to be... You know that film Misery? With that writer. When the writer's car breaks down and he turns to a superfan's house and she chains him to a bed and smashes his feet so he can't escape yeah

okay mr man i believe she says to him oh that's very fine i saw her once uh at a beverly hills hotel queuing up at the carvery with uh danny devito this is a claim to fame off the wall claim to fame can I ask you Frank you were sort of establishing your case Hercule Poirot you had a couple of suspicious elements here well I think the car breaking down and no one official

officially part of the Styles entourage turning up is suspicious I think someone showing him into someone else's house of the Stiles entourage turning up is suspicious. I think someone showing him into someone else's house is a very suspicious thing. And also there's a photograph of him feeding this girl's fish at the house. Yes. No mask, but, you know, I don't ask.

house yes no mask but you know i don't ask um but the photograph is by a woman called sonja jacinski who is a professional photographer and he's not mentioned in the story at all now how does that work out does he break down and go in the house and think there's a photo opportunity here and the the man from next door's a photo opportunity here and the man from next door who's now speaking to him through the window said I've got my phone and he goes oh no no I don't think so I'll phone

Sonia the professional photographer to take this casual Instagram photo of this opportune moment wearing Gucci runway. Yeah. Is that what it was? Big baggy white trousers that were a bit see-through.

You know, there's one when the pocket lining shows through the trousers. I hate that. Yeah. Tapered palazzo. I'll say this. As conspiracies theories go, at the moment,

you're one that you've just described as small beer, isn't it? Well, it's true. But still, it's a lot of trouble to go to. At the end of the article I read, I don't know where you came across this, but at the end of it, there was long stuff about his tour having been put back and tickets were still... I mean, there's something very... Maybe that's what's happened.

His loss of earnings means that he's now running an old banger that he can't afford to he can't get a nice car anymore here's the thing boys he is

for a long time I mean Tom Cruise sat in the I heart my fans chair let's be honest oh yeah

all that handshaking at premieres he did a lot of that hours of it he went the extra mile he would save people from road accidents and all sorts, Cruise. Styles has got his eye on that chair. You reckon?

Yeah, he's been doing a lot of that. And I know what you mean, Frank. There are some strange elements to this story. I think it's not the chair I would put Styles in, personally. Why would you put him, Frank? Well, I imagine the young the woman

who was his fan was imagine how gutted she would have been to have missed him turning up at her house that would be horrible I should think

the parents went out and gave thanks at the local place of worship that she wasn't home I have another thing to add

I'm loving Frank he's like that film Knives Out Daniel Craig at the end you've turned i have another thing to add i'm loving frank he's like that film lives out daniel craig at the end you've turned it on another thing recently he signed a copy of her album now i don't know young people but how many young people have physical copies of albums these days so you can't sign apple music no it's facey oh my god frank you've cracked sign Apple Music. No. It's facey. Oh my God, Frank, you've cracked the case. Sonia Jasinski's turned up with her fabulous camera. Oh yeah, her car broke down as well, just outside. Did it? Yeah, and she got all her equipment in

the back, lighting, makeup woman in the boot. That's weird. A costume? Yeah, they were all in the car, they were coming back from another shoot. That is weird, isn't it? And also, it's very, very reckless to go and feed somebody's fish. You don't know what they're feeding, should you? That was my main concern about this. What about when I went out with a woman? I've told you this story before, I think, but it's pertinent.

Well, can we check what it is before you? No, it's clean. Okay. And she had tropical fish. Do you remember this story before, I think, but it's pertinent. Well, can we check what it is before you use it? No, it's clean. And she had tropical fish. Do you remember this story? I'm sorry to hear that. I went to a local toy shop and bought about 20 plastic fish and put them in the tank, and I thought, this will confuse her tomorrow morning, if you get my meaning.

And sure enough, we got up next morning, and every one of her fish were dead poisoned by the plastic fish i put in there and i said i'll clean the tank don't worry i'll clean the tank so i scooped out the the dead fish and also the plastic the evidence as i like to call it and put the whole lot in the bin it's a terrible i mean I mean, I still... In the bin? Well, yeah, yeah. We didn't, there was too many to have a formal ceremony. It's not like a Mooney wedding. God.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. On the subject of claims to fame, my 78-year-old mother-in-law went to... Oh, she looks good. I didn't know she was 78. Went on holiday to Nicaragua with Brian Malco, the lead singer from Placeba. She was younger then. She was 71, I think.

Right. But, yeah, bitten by She was 71, I think. Right. But, yeah. Bitten by a scorpion, if I remember rightly. I didn't know that band were there as well. Heavy metal. Would you like to hear this claim to fame, Frank? Yes. From Tim Bread.

Tim Bread? Yes. Okay. My enemy. On the carbs front. Tim says my fingers are sometimes used as stock footage when ITN show a pin being entered at an ATM

after I did an interview years ago when the banks had an IT meltdown Tim I think that might be my favourite so far I hope we don't get any of the people who are used in the National Obesity Conference. I always feel sorry for those people.

They must recognise themselves. Yeah, they don't use faces, but you'd recognise a T-shirt or something like that. What an outfit. Cruel. The unwitting slayer as well. She, you might remember she spent six hours in the maternity hospital after laughing a lot at you and her daughter was nearly called

Frankie. Do you remember that? Oh yeah, it rings her. I got shoved by a bloke getting off a train, started to fall backwards and was caught by Richard E. Grant who escorted me off the train like the total gent he is.

Fantastic. That's nice. You can picture, you could trust. He's probably done many, many drama school trust exercises where you fall back into someone's arm. Good point. He probably knew the exact bracing position to save his back. He'd trained for his whole life in many ways, hadn't he? God, he is the guy you want to fall into.

Here's a fun one. Where is David James, the goalkeeper? Oh, yeah. He'd be on the floor. Hello, my off-the-wall claim to fame is that my dad once made a sheepskin coat for hard-drinking Canadian snooker sensation Bill Wurbenjerk. And they finish,

good luck beating that, from Tony Marsh. Sheep's getting cut. I wonder how many sheep died in the making of that. Oh, I think a fair two. She was a big man. Well, I googled Bill Wurbenjek during the last link because I thought this was funny.

And it says that he's a hard drinker, Canadian snooker sensation. The main photo that comes up is him sitting at a table absolutely covered in various drinks. I'll tell you why that is, though, because Bill Wurbeniek claimed on his tax returns, his tax claim was that he couldn't play snooker in a tournament because nerves made his hand shake and he couldn't play.

Oh, like the yips. So this was before the beta blockers were introduced. So he said he had to drink at least 15 pints of lager before he could play a game. So he used to claim all that lager against... I haven't done that for a while. Do you know to claim all that lager against that. I haven't done that for a while. Do you know what he's most famous for, strangely,

is his fellow countryman, Cliff Thorburn, known as the Methodical Mountie in those days. And if you came from Canada, you'd probably call him Mountie. He got the first ever 147, I think, televised. I think it was the first ever and it's that stage at the World Championships where they have a screen down in between the tables because there's two games going on and when he got near the end

you just saw Bill Wurbenick's face like the moon coming over a mountain range looking round the corner watching this final thing I think he's no longer with us, Bill. These we have loved, eh? Can I just end this link by telling you, Frank,

that 842 worked with Nick Knowles' mum at the Benefits Agency in Tunbridge Wells 32 years ago. Fantastic. 32 years ago. I was watching him just the other day on Home is Where the Art Is. Have you seen that? No, I haven't.

Oh, he's brilliant. I tell you, he's wearing very tight garments. Nick Nails. He looks like he's been dressed. Nick Nails. He looks like he's been... Did I say Nails? Nick Nails.

Okay. Well, yeah, I don't know what made me think of that. But he looks like he's been dressed and then soaked. We've had various claims to fame. Yes. Here's one of them from 413. Hi, team. Claim to fame.

I once walked in on Jimmy White having a shower in my house. I was 15 at the time he was at my house because my brother is stephen hendry i did not know he was there and obviously locks are a mystery to him now i think your claim to fame might be that your brother is stephen but no this is a more um jimmy white's car had broke down. He was down there by a next-door neighbour. I know. That was like when Chris Jagger, Mick Jagger's brother, said to me, we've got a lot of celebrities in North London,

the great Soprendo. Your brother's Mick Jagger. Can I talk to you about something? I wanted to get your opinion, your collective opinion on this, because I know both of you, how can I put this? I know you like to save a penny or two, as opposed to pick a pocket or two. Oh, yeah.

I'm particularly my learned friend to my right. That's me. Yes. Frugal. Yeah, did you used to be in the undertones? Very good, Frank. There's been a lot of people returning library books recently. And the reason for this spate of returns, yes, I've used it.

Yeah, Johnny Spade. Is due to fines. There's sort of been somewhat of an amnesty on library fines because of recent events. Well, I think the theory is that during lockdown, lots of people did a big tidy in their house. This shows the libraries and their faith in human nature. Yeah. So people, and they thought, oh, no, I never took back that library book, rather than they thought, I can't be bothered to take that library book back. So, yeah, so...

And as a result, they've had this amnesty. So at the moment, you haven't had to pay fines, which has resulted in some books from, I mean, 1972. I mean, ridiculous. I mean, ridiculous. Thomas the Tank Engine, 1972. That puzzled me, because how a children's book from long ago can last that long? Because they get real abused, don't they?

They get thrown about and driven over in tractors. It might have been a railway enthusiast. Just checking they had the right gauge. When you say they get real abuse, do you mean minorities in the 70s children's books? No. Had he been held to fines, this chap, it would have set him back eight grand.

What? So it's grand larceny, really. It is. He's got away with. The article I read, they call these people lax lenders which surely

was a villain in the Superman comics. They call them lax lenders? Surely that's the library that's the lax lender because they're not following it all. I suppose they lend the... Borrow. It's not my phrase.

I think they're guilty borrowers. Well, look, it's not my phrase. I think they're guilty borrowers. That's what I think they are. Guilty borrowers. Yeah. I, um, the one I saw was someone

returned, because there was two, two in a week. There was the Thomas the Tank Engine one. There was also a book called, um,

by the, the collected poem Jeffrey Faber, called Buried Stream, which came back after 57 years. Again, ridiculous. Is that one you're familiar with, Frank? No, I have to say, it is not one I'm familiar with. He's a poetry czar.

I think he's of the Faber family, though. You know, Faber and Faber and all that. Oh, is he? Oh, really? He'll have a few quid. But I looked it up, that book, I looked it up when I saw this on eBay, and they had it on there for £9.90,

plus £2.75 delivery, and it said very clearly and up front, and with no shame, former library book. Oh, which you often get. Yes. So is it all right to do that? Oh, well. Because they do sell their books.

Yeah, eventually. Yeah. Sometimes you see a shelf of them for like 20 pence, don't you? Actually in a library, maybe. I mean, you can imagine a bunch of librarians sitting having a cup of tea in the staff room saying, thank God we got rid of that very extreme debris fibre. And then suddenly a knock on the door, delivery! No!

Talking about library books. Don't switch it off. But before we do, can I just briefly mention off-the-wall claim to fame? Go on. Matthew Jones, I played the dead chef in Frank's... Do you know where this is going to end? The dead chef.

I mean, in Doctor Who. Mummy on the Orient Express. He was the dead chef i mean um in in um doctor who mommy um mommy on the orient express oh he was the dead chef oh wow yes of course there you go fabulous i don't think there's much about that episode that frank won't remember just for future reference i uh on the um on the on the library former library book thing on eBay I saw a very nice lady on Antiques Roadshow oh did she have a brooch

and a nice she was that kind of lady but interesting someone you felt had lived an interesting life and it turned out that she'd worked at, I think, Elstree or Pinewood or one of those places. And she had, like, about five original Gerry Anderson poppets. And she did that.

You know, they were just in a skip. They were just fit. And I thought, were they, though? Were they just in a skit? I mean I don't know if you remember when we went to the James Bond exhibition apparently

it happens quite a lot that you know you see stuff on eBay for example and it's the jacket the odd job and you think well surely that belongsjob wore. And you think, well, surely that belongs to the film, can't we, doesn't it? That's all I'm saying.

Look, I don't want to get anyone into trouble. Anyway, I looked up this story on the BBC website. I don't know if you ever look at the BBC website. Sometimes. Sometimes. If I want to see John Pertwee collapsing a caravan in the 70s,

there are some great clips of that. I mean, like the new BBC News app. It's informative, if a little dreary. Wow, imagine being described that way. I don't need to. And you know what? When you look at a story on the BBC website, if there's any similar stories, they line them up underneath.

Older stories on the same theme. If you like this, you'll like this. So I never really click on those, but I thought I'd look at these two library book stories, The Buried Stream and Thomas the Tank Engine, and then there was a few underneath. So just off the top of my head because I made a note of it so buried stream was 57 years uh Thomas the tank engine uh 48 years

to seen a sieve this is another story 37 years the cherries and the double arrow 42 years culture and society of Africa 60 years the Olmec 42 years. I gave up after that. All these stories were all about library books coming back after 80s. Oh, really? They all had a librarian saying, well, of course it would have cost, and then saying what the thing was. But we're very glad they brought it back. It's a recurring...

So it's not just a pandemic thing it's no it's it's like gurning on the local news all right oh well that that makes me feel a bit better because i've i've seen this this week and thought it was a pandemic story and i think we've all had different stages of pandemic haven't we we had fear initially and then some people you didn't no i did oh did you i did yeah and then some people had... You didn't? No, I did. Oh, did you? I did, yeah. And then some people had like burning 5G masks down versions of the pandemic. Wasn't that you as well?

No, that wasn't me either. Some people got really into mask shaming and all that, but at no point... That's you. No, no point during the pandemic have I thought, I must take that 1962 library book back. It's never occurred to me. I would say that these stories are from the people

who bought you postcard arrives after 50 years. It's just... You're right. Yeah, Harry Styles will be at the bottom of it. No, I think he's fairly safe. He won't be involved in the library book story. Alan, I feel... I'm going to hand this one over to you, but 511... What a story.

I mean, come on. We've been doing sort of off-the-wall claims to fame. 511, I had broken down in Richmond. In fact, this ties in with the... Everything. What's happened to the multi-layered street? I had broken down in Richmond and knocked a door to use the phone. It was in 1995.

And it was Ronnie Wood's house. He answered the door and a rookery and thought I was a guest to his party there was loads of celebs there partied all night and left at 4am in an AA van back to Reading lol

Eddie Turner former boxing champion that is a multi layered text message it is and a light light contender for the Climb to Fame. I don't know if he was a late contender. Oh, I'm going to be finding out about Eddie Turner. He should have been a contender. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, while you do, also 183 Frank has said, I won a Fringe First Award in Edinburgh Festival and met Frank who'd won the Perrier Award the same year, 1990, from Emily, a different Emily. Yeah. Oh, yeah. award in edinburgh festival and met frank who'd won the perrier award the same year 1990 from emily a different emily yeah yeah maybe that that's as many details as we need on god congratulations um do you remember i was asking earlier what all of us were asking the question what exactly are tenter hooks? Yes.

And we've had our fabulous readers. There's something so satisfying about our readers getting in touch with the answer, Frank. Don't you think? Oh God. 755. A tenter is a piece of textile machinery where the cloth is stretched

on hooks. Oh. Okay. So if you're on tenterhooks, it's that sort of tension. You're taut. Stretched out. You're absolutely taut, Frank Skinner. Al, you dwelleth in hooky street, don't you? Do I? Oh, yes.

In fact, I've received a gift. Very good link, Frank. Yeah, good segue. I've received the Only Fools and Horses quiz book through the post. That's fabulous, that is. And a book, Would You Rather? Which is like a...

Who's it from, Al? Book of preposterous poses to ponder. It's from Bonnier Publishers. Yes. Thank you. That was a nice thank you, Frank. It was. Excuse me, while we're in thank you corner briefly,

you boys will be aware, what about the gift that arrived for me last week? Oh, man. Oh, wow. We needed the world's strongest man to get it up the stairs. It was a big one. Would it respond to a magnet? Good question.

Well, we should say it was a piece of metal artwork. This company called Nala, thank you so much, Nala. It was personalised artwork based on a photograph of Ray. It could have been for a dog, wouldn't it, Nala? Nala. Yeah, G-N. This is with N-A-R-L-A. But it's basically, I think the idea is that you supply a photo of your pet or loved one.

And they'll construct a metal art piece out of it. In this case, the idea is to put it in the garden. So thank you, Johnny Few. Apparently he knows of my love for my pet dog and thought I'd want to receive one of the test pieces of artwork. It's extraordinary. It is. It's a lovely thing. I've seen it and it weighs a ton

and don't send me one. Got it. Not one of Kath? No, no. What a metal one of Kath. Imagine Kath in the garden. She has something of a steely grin about her.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 061 has given us an alternative tenterhooks to the one that Emily just read moments ago. Yeah. It begins from Mark 222. Oh, maybe he's given himself a different number at the end of his phone there. Is it relative of Desmond's? Oh, maybe he's given himself a different number at the end of his phone there. Is it a relative of Desmond's?

Oh, yeah. Or the Archbishop. Is that a Bible reference, Mark 222? I don't know. Anyway. It could be a ballet enthusiast. Morning, Frank and gang. I understand that tenterhooks are the little hooks

that herrings are hung on in the smokehouse before they become kippers. Hope this helps. Well, it doesn't actually, because it's put a veritable fly in the ointment from our previous explanation. I suppose if you were on tenterhooks, you might smoke heavily with anxiety.

Yeah. Maybe. But if you're on tenterhooks, I suppose you're waiting for... Yeah. They've already deceased, but, you're on tenterhooks I suppose you're waiting for they've already deceased they're in a holding zone as it were they are what fish was it again?

herring we'll probably have some people from our broth that will be able to answer that the smoky industry that's possible do you want to hear from at the moment, can I... Sorry, I think the other one makes more sense,

the tautly stretched fabric. Well, call my bluff, thank you. I think that I'm going to go for the tautly stretched fabric. So it's an Argentine jacket? Yeah. OK. Trevor Rudge Has got in touch Trevor

This was the This is for the Claim to fame Oh yeah Off the wall Claim to fame My chemistry teacher Was related to the

Dooley's Are you familiar with them? The Dooley Stacey Dooley Not Stacey Dooley You mean the Dooley Brothers is it? Or who are they? They're a band Or something Yes I believe so Because there was Do you mean the Dooley... Brothers, is it? Or who are they?

They're a band or something, yes. I believe so. Because there was Doobie Brothers. Doobie Brothers. Or maybe it was Doobie. Maybe. Anyway, he would dictate notes which always included references to the band.

E.g. PVC is used to make records by bands such as the Dooleys. Anyone who used to write any other band's name would lose a grade. Oh dear. I mean, that's a bit much. I need to check out the Doolies. Anyone out there, if you remember

the Doolies, this rings a bell with me. Frank, just saying, if you say I need to check out the Doolies, it's quite ageing. Yeah, exactly. Richard E. Grant's got involved everyone. What, he's got involved? Well he liked the tweet about the bloke

getting off the train. Oh, okay. Thanks Dickie. There's a story, isn't there, about Alec Guinness. Alec Guinness had got these heavy suitcases at King's Cross or something. And a bloke came up to him and said, oh, man, Alec Guinness, fantastic.

And he said, can I have your autograph? He said, you can if you'll help me carry these suitcases. And the guy says, yeah, fine. And he signed his autograph. The guy's going, brilliant, and just walked off. Oh. I mean, we're talking about Obi-Wan. That is outrageous.

391, I'll quickly tell you, has a great claim to fame. I taught boxing champion Oscar de la Hoya how to tweet. Not easy with gloves on. I worked for his promotions company ten years ago or so and was tasked with setting it up on his phone and showing him how Twitter worked. I pressed send on his first tweet.

Angela Randall in Leon C. That's lovely. Isn't it? Unless he's been completely cancelled because of some tweet that he sent. Possibly. And she, in a way, was party to the destruction of his career. But let's hope that didn't happen for Oscar.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I have a question we were discussing the library moments ago is this normal? does some people finish a book and then struggle with the next one because the previous one is lingering

have you ever had this? it's like the rebound's the rebound read yes the example i always give is that i once tried to go from harry potter to uh francis ween's biography of carl marx and it's too much of a step change that is that's a big it couldn't be done and i think i've just done a similar thing i've just finished Island, which is a fun read. It's great. I remember recommending it on here. You recommended it on here. Did you read it because Frank pointed

out there was a character called Alan? Alan, who I think sort of dies in the wings. It's not a spoiler. But to hear, just to hear or to read Long John Silver say Alan. Yes. Well, actually, I didn't read that because here's another problem.

I've had a lifelong thing where I confuse Treasure Island and Robinson Crusoe. I interchangeably think of what... So I thought you'd be talking about Robinson Crusoe on air and I was thinking I was a really interesting person reading Treasure Island. So when they find the footsteps in the sand, it's just circles. But I finished Treasure Island, and then I thought the next book I should read was the Bible, which is a bit influenced by Frank, and it's a much different...

What, the Bible is? It's different, yeah. I mean, it's a big book and it's not... I'm going to be honest, it's not... Letter of you. Is it in joined upsies or capsies? There's a lot of numbers by the side. I don't think I've made...

Are you reading the Bible? Yeah, I thought I'd read the Bible. Al phoned me up and said... What? I'm going to get a Bible. What's a good edition? Did you do a King James? Is King James a bit old school, Frank, these days?

Yeah, I don't know. He frightened people off. I mean, I love it, but he frightened people off. He went for one with acronyms, not NSFW, like not suitable for work, but there's a, what's the acronym, Frank? Yeah, it's NIV. All right, yeah. Oh, isn't that lovely?

You're recommending your little things to him. Yeah. I love that. Maybe I should have a little gap where I don't know, maybe I should have a little gap where I don't read anything before I go into it. I did say to Al, I feel you're going, I am giving you a large rod in which you plan to beat me.

So you know he's going to come in and say, so I was reading Ephesians. Well, the good thing is, Frank, what you can do in return, you can come out with some, his little only falls and walks, his book. Oh, wow. You can maybe make a few comments.

I don't know if I've done the... If I've done the research. I was at the Comedy Awards when Boston Meredith fell over and split his head open. Oh, I was there. Up to get his ear. Yeah. That was...

It was a shame. Is that your claim to fame? It was a shame, but it was also sort of brilliant. It really was. But, you know, he was all right. Glen has texted, I was once given a lecture from Big Daddy on why I shouldn't bite my nails.

I wonder what that lecture contained. Like, how many different points were there? Don't. Don't bite your nails. I imagine it went roughly like that. I mean, if we're talking about physical appearance, mate. Oh, God. Physician heel myself.

Daddy heel myself. Slightly. Did he invent the mankini, would you say? Oh, yeah. He was pre-Borat, very much so, yes. Yeah. I'm reading, while we're on what we're reading, I'm reading the Rupert Everett diaries.

Fun. Come on. Oh, I'm going to start them in our reading club. I like that we've gone a bit book club. What are you reading, Frank Skinner? I am reading a biography of John Milton.

Oh. Yeah. I love him. He loves the poetry. Yeah, it's not poetry, it's mainly about his political, he was a, you know. That's a bit like the only Fools and Horses. He was a

great champion of the execution of Charles I. As it turns out. Absolute radio. You know, I'm not one to gossip. 3am Harry Styles Harry Styles

to Milton's view on the execution of Charles I Here at Absolute Radio where real culture matters Thank you so much for listening this morning If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise

we'll be back again this time next week. If there's any of Charles the First family listening no offence. Now get out.