The Frank Skinner Show - Cosmic Ordering

Episode Date: January 22, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been giving out his ‘helpful advice’ again and the gang discuss Tony the Tiger, a doggy drone rescue and Dame Edna.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Good morning everyone and welcome to the Frank Skinner Show with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. If you'd like to be part of this show in an interactive fashion, you can text us on 81215 and may well be incorporated. You can also, if you prefer the modern world, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email that old baby. You can do that via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk

All those little strands going out into the outside world. I love it. Tendrils. Frank, I'm going to start with some praise. Great word. Tendril. I love a tendril. I'm going to start with some praise. Great word, tendril. I love a tendril. I'm going to start with some praise. I know, I mean, I can read this because it's about you.

Are we okay with this? It's not praising the radio show, it's praising another project. Okay, that's fine. Frank has a method that cuts through the pretension that can dog other teachings in poetry and go straight to the beauty. 1983 O-level war poet syllabus could, should have been so different if taught this way.

Note, he did a similar thing on portrait artist. Goodness. There you go. That's a nice start to the day. Yeah. Who was that from? Malcolm Moggridge. Oh, dear Malcolm. No, lovely.

That's lovely. He doesn't get enough references on commercial radio breakfast shows. He got a lot of references in my house growing up. There were wonderful people on the Moggridges. Good Catholic. It's my birthday next Friday, so I've received gifts from the team. And I was opening the gifts and I said something spontaneously this morning, God, I really like getting presents. I think sometimes people forget how exciting it is to do it.

Do you want to say what you got, Frank? Yes. Some lovely gifts. I got a book from the team. I got some literary socks. So these are socks that feature the likes of Marcel Proust and Virginia Woolf. It's like if David Brent had read a book. That's the kind of vibe you're going to be going for.

Okay, fine. I'm good with that and then I got a book about the great cathedrals of Europe from Emily Dean and from the team I got the book of the Beatles Get Back documentary

which I've been absolutely wrapped up in for the last couple of weeks Frank we've had a couple of questions in for you this morning. I'm going to start... No, not a quiz. Oh, I love a quiz. Evil Del.

Yeah? Oh, he doesn't sound like he'd be welcome in your church, Frank. It sounds like a spin-off series from Fools and Horses. It's like zombie Del Boy. He's got sort of red eyes. Oh, man, terrible. Oh, just Del. Ja, planka!

Oh, man. It would have been great. He'd look right for it now, David. I imagine he will kill again. Given the proximity to Frank's birthday, timely, has he ever celebrated by attending a burn supper? It would be right up his strata. Poetry, music, rustic food and maybe some dancing.

I would love it if he attended one in London and reported back. Well, that's a great idea. I went a step closer to that this week when I put a haggis on my Ocado order, especially for Burns Night. So I'm planning to have Burns Night at home with me doing all the reading and maybe a little dancing,

but only if I hit my thumb with a hammer. Oh. So, yeah, I have. I've ordered that. You know that cosmic ordering that Noel Edmonds used to do? Oh, yeah. And you just write a list of the things you want in life

and they happen. I don't know if you've tried it. Was that something to do? With a cardo, it's about 70%, I find. He used to see... What were the orbs, Noel Edmonds, his orbs? Yes. It's a good title for

a fancy. It's a sound like that, I'm sorry. Yes, I can't remember what the orb he's very cosmic Noel Edmonds the orbs were his I think they might have been relatives who are no longer with us

he would see the orbs and resting on a shoulder or something I've got a stress ball that says calm down dear in the voice of Michael Winner when you squeeze it. And I used to describe that as dead man in an orb. But I doubt if that was one of Noel's cosmic tricks.

Cosmic ordering, though. All you've got to do is write the list. That's it. You don't have to do any sort of chanting or anything. But where do you put it? I think you have to send it to Santa. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some other readers getting in touch, Frank.

Yes. I don't quite know what to make of this one. Someone has got in touch, keen to know, essentially saying, has Frank Skinner ever interviewed Dame Edna Everidge? It's from a chap called Will Black, who's keen to know. Will Black appears to be an anthrojournalist, an author of Veneer of Civilisation.

OK. He's very keen to know... He sounds like a hip dude. What TV show... I bet when he sent the email, he hadn't got socks on. What TV? What was it again? He wants to know what TV show.

No, what was the thing that Al just queried? He called himself a throw journalist. I want to know what that is. Yeah, I don't know what that is either. He also wrote psychopathic cultures and beyond the end there you go we better keep on his side yeah uh so no is the answer oh i've never done what's the closest i've got kylie minogue well paloma faith you feel if you came back in 30 years time paloma faith will will have something of the Dame Edna.

Catherine Mendelsohn says, the only place I've seen Frank Skinner and Edna Everidge together was on a show Rob Brydon hosted. They were both special guests on the An Insider's View special. So you have actually appeared, possibly not in the studio together. I bet it was Graham Norton. Whenever people say that, it's always Graham Norton. Oh, no.

I don't remember that at all. You don't remember it? I don't even know the show. What was that, Inside the Special? What's that about? MI5 documentary with Rob Brydon and Dave Ender-Everidge. No, I think you were. I'm looking, you were on it.

No, I definitely weren't on it. Friday, September the 11th, 2011 think you were. I'm looking, you were on it, Frank. No, I definitely weren't on it. Friday, September the 11th, 2011, 10pm. Cast, Rob Brydon, Amy Spinks, Matt Lucas, Bill Bailey, Bruce Forsyth. Do you remember?

No, I definitely wasn't on it. Will Young and Frank Skinner. It wasn't me. Do you think maybe it's a clip show and they've just dropped you in? Yeah, maybe it was a clip show and they've just dropped you yeah maybe i was a clip show yeah you were on a show with bruce forsyth and matt lupus i remembered will young will young i discovered i had i was interviewing will young and they gave me some

photos of him to choose from and upside on my desk when they were upside down, his mouth looked more like a real human mouth than when it was the right way up. That's interesting. So, like God, or whoever you believe in, put the mouth on the wrong way round on Will Young. Yeah? Al, I've got something to tell you. I was quite happy with the ecclesiastical tone that the show took for a moment there.

I like that. Well, I've got something I need to get off my chest. You know Frank likes to give his helpful advice. I think I have done this to Alan. It's a very bad habit. So can we establish some examples of when Frank gives his, quote, helpful advice? He went up to Andrew Lloyd Webber

and gave him advice for The Curtain Call at one of his musicals. I suggested to Tim Key that he should come back on for the encore dressed as a baked bean as a back reference to something that happened in the show. You did it to Ross Noble once as well. Well, I think it's good

to help. What did you say to Ross Noble? I can't imagine him... He'll go backstage and he'll say, you know, you say the usual great show and Frank say, yeah, it's just one thing. And when he says that, I just feel like throwing up. Do you want to know when he did it this week? Guess when he did it this week?

Well, let's make that a cliffhanger. It makes me ill. I feel ill. We'll come back to that. Worst one he's ever done. Friends Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel ill. We'll come back to that. Worst one he's ever done. Can I say our producer's got a sweatshirt with a slogan on, Frank? Have you seen what it says? Northern, it says. That's helpful.

I might wear one so southern. That's how it begins. We have to have our regional labels on. Next thing you know it'll be names, professions, religions. Am I right, Al? I'd be alright with names, actually.

Well, I'd be good. Names and professions would have been... It's helpful to know. Sarah's got Northern. I'm just going to have Absolute Nightmare on my sweatshirt. Is that the new gothic radio station that you're hosting? That would have been good if it was just goth rock. Talking of Absolute Nightmare, Al, Frank gave some of his...

He left us on a cliffhanger where Frank was improving something. He does this with comedy and the theatre. I just think if you see a comic and they do a joke and you think it could be better it's i think it's it's a community spirit thing to say have you thought about saying blah blah instead okay they're free to reject it fine if you see a comic where do you stand al if you're at a funeral and someone's given a eulogy is that what happened how do you like them stop all the clocks did you not think of this frank do you want to give your version of events and then i'll give mine

we went emily and i went to david badil's dad's funeral, which was a fabulous event because there was a lot of laughs because he was a very funny bloke. And I just didn't get Dave's opening gag. Dave did a gag. It's absolutely clear because he lives in my road. It was a funny speech. It was a brilliant speech. I didn't get the first gag, and he said I just threw it away. But, of course, no comedian It was a funny speech. It was a brilliant speech. I didn't get the first gag and he said I just threw it away but of course

no comedian ever throws a joke away. Frank! And then of course you and me had to chat forensically about it. I just wanted, I just thought, you know, when you do your next eulogy this will be helpful.

It was the most Kirby enthusiasm thing ever. I walked over, I saw Frank, I saw Frank. I almost vomited. I almost vomited. I just heard him saying, the thing is, when you start...

I thought, he's not. Look, I want David Baddiel to get his eulogies up to speed because if we had a vote on who his next eulogy was going to be for, I'd be up there, let's face it. So... It was a very smart, fine speech I'd be up there, let's face it. So, um... It was a very fine speech, and it was a beautiful eulogy, and I'm pointing that out

mainly because David asked me to. Oh, right. Fair enough. No, it was lovely, though, wasn't it? And either his brother spoke or my dad. It was... I'll tell you what was kind... I'll tell you after this,

because the producer's doing that thing of pinching that fleshy bit under my armpit. Oh, yeah. But it was. But there was something that really... You know, you get a moment of revelation when the clouds part and the sun shines through, and you think, oh, yeah, of course.

That happened. I love it when that happens. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. that happens. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had to stop myself saying to David Baddiel's

kids were there obviously Ezra and lovely Dolly and I had to stop myself I nearly said it Frank. What was that? I nearly said

aren't you tall? Oh yes. Oh the old auntie. Yeah. You've either got the trouble is they've both left school now kind of

so you can't you can't say the old how's it going at school? What other questions are what do you do? What have you got in your locker

for the encountering young people? Yeah I'm not quite at the my haven't you grown state. Well I'll tell you what's died out the ruffling of the hair on boys,

because boys now have got product in them. Oh, you can't crush the hair. The old ruffle of the school. What are you doing, Johnny? Johnny? That's what they were all called. You were going to tell us something lovely. Let me tell you this.

There's a lot of gel in there. Oh, God, there's a lot of that. You don't want to not be able to get your hand out. Like when Spider-Man suddenly realises he's becoming Spider-Man, he starts sticking to stuff. Anyway, so at the end of the funeral, they played The Goons, the Ying Tong song. There's a lot. I love them.

Ying Tong, Ying Tong, Ying Tong. And I suddenly had a revelation. Because I've been watching this Beatles programme obsessively. John Lennon is absolutely, he can't stop doing, oh, Eddie Ogut, and all these voices and that all the time, and announcements. And he shot through with the goons, John Lennon. As was Dave's dad.

Dave's dad was always saying these little funny phrases and things. And I think the goons kind of, here's my view, I'm going to give it to you quick. After World War I, people were so horrified by what had happened that modernism happened,

which was like James Joyce, T.S. Eliot, the idea of changing the whole view of the world, giving up on language and everything. I think after World War II, people thought the best way to deal with it was to go, and all that.

And there's a whole generation of blokes who fought in the war going, what, what, what, what, what? And all that stuff. And the terrible tragedy of it all is one of them is, it's all about rebelling against formality and being told what

to do, being ridiculous and silly. And the one bloke who's mad on the goons is Prince Charles. So he's got all that goonery trapped inside him. He's dying in speeches. They go, whoa, I didn't know. And he can't do any of it. He will explode. Well, do you know what?

His goon soul should be allowed to sing openly. I think so as well. I'm with you on that, Frank. I have a feeling that when he was dating the young, beautiful Diana, he made her listen to the goons and stuff like that. It was just tough for a young girl. Do you know what? See, I would have been fine with that.

Yeah, but you're a different breed altogether. But would you? Different kind of gal. Different breed altogether. But would you... Different kind of gal. But you see, having a goon soul when you're in an establishment like that is tricky. But I think what happened was goonery was starting to die down

and then they're throwing Monty Python to keep it going again. What the hell are people thinking of this? Sorry, this is a social commentary with Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Living history on Radio 4. I'm sorry. We'll go back to saying silly things and noises. What's the bosses going to say?

They're going to be listening to you. They'll be all right. They're doing absolute social history. Absolute post-war. Absolute post-war. Absolute post-war responses. What about if they brought that out? I don't know what the music would be. It'd just be Jonah Louis over and over again.

So anyway, I'm sorry, that won't happen again. We've had this message in from Jamie Wood. Jamie Wood, of course. I know that name. Do you remember? Yes. Jamie Wood offered me Scalextric-based advice last week. Well, Jamie Wood is very good in what I call aftercare i usually apply that to the dating world

but that's in that whole other story you're the first person i've ever heard use that phrase what happens after someone dumps you what's what's their aftercare like care is everything it's crucial yeah i believe it's something uh i believe I'm afraid, footballers talk about aftercare. Oh, is that right? It's to stop people being cross, yeah. Oh, so they don't go to the... Just practice aftercare. Always practice.

Well, you should just out of decency. Practice decent aftercare. I always think with relationships, a full stop is better than a dot, dot, dot. Well, there's a full stop, but you can have a classy full stop. I mean, I'll think about whether to tell this story now, but I once had some genius aftercare. OK. OK?

Well, we'll let that marinate and hopefully it'll come out. Jamie Wood. The big birthday question, a week early, but anyway, because he's on Friday. The big birthday question for frank on the radio is did the scalex trick fix work well i've got to tell you um is it actually from jamie wood because jamie wood what happened in case you didn't listen last week is my son received a batman versus the joker scalex trick set and some reason, I've been playing with it successfully for about a week, the Joker would only reverse.

Such is his anarchic life view. Anyway, so it was, we couldn't work it out, and the underbrush got all squidgy and and and wrong so what happened was he and Jamie said turn the whole thing round and if you turn it the wrong way it'll break and if you turn it the right way it'll it'll mend it so it's a lot of pressure on on being my dad I'm picturing like a wire cutting moment on the bomb disposal scene in a film. It was like, yeah, I was wearing a stethoscope, which I had on the bottom of the car.

But you know what? I've got to say, Jamie, thank you so much. It was a great success. I managed to choose the right way and now the Joker is back in action so isn't that one of the joys of having this show is that people can reach out

and help each other and I seem to remember you didn't really want us to discuss it a lot on air but I insisted and we got lots of humour out of it and resolution what a nice thing no you were absolutely I was wrong and you were right And we got lots of humour out of it and resolution. What a nice thing.

No, you were absolutely... I was wrong and you were right. I give you that. Fair enough, mate. OK. I was just interested in the theatre of the mundane, which I enjoy. Hey, we've had an update on somebody who is a fan of the goons. Oh, yeah. And says, hi all, re- re goonery it's alive and well and where i work on the railway at cambridge many a silly voice to be heard all in jokes radio 4 extra still play the goons do they brought up on it uh through my granddad and father they say still makes me and

my mates laugh well i'm gonna have to check it it out. I think that counts as one of our late reviews. Well, I'll tell you what I used to watch when I was a kid on the telly, which is something maybe we can think of doing for this show, was a puppet show called The Telly Goons, which I think was the radio scripts turned into a puppet show. I think it was the actual radio shows themselves.

Right. And then they used pop-its to say the stuff. You never hear the tune, there's no... A bit of hour. I suppose people like Prince Charles thought that was an outrage to make it a visual thing. Nearly dropped his kilt, his kilt tool, whatever that's called. You know that thing you have to put a kilt on with?

Looks a bit like the orange thing that you use for taking Lego bricks. Oh, what's that? What, the Sporan? No, I think that's actually like, when I was fitted for a kilt, I had to kneel in the changing room. Did you indeed? I hadn't got the money, you say. Oh, my.

And that's how they measure the length of a kilt. When you kneel, it should touch the floor. Why do they have that safety pin as well on the side? Silly, that. Well, these are the questions, of course. There'll be more from Frank Skinner's Scottish quiz tomorrow night on Radio Aberdeen

where granite sounds great oh dear that's one of the strangest first hours we've ever done on this show it felt like the goons

the goons made the goons sound a bit straight. We'll be alright after the break. Sorry, everyone. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dee. It's actually called Kenneth Williams. Is it? Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dee and Alan Co actually called Kenneth Williams. Is it? Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show

on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio, no, via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk.

I went into the old message from the past, easily done. Well, I think if David Baddiel's listening at home, he should ring in with some advice on how you could do the... Yeah, you're right. Go on, Al. I'd like to point out that you ended the last hour saying that the first hour had been weird and then opened with an anecdote about a cat called Kenneth Williams

and changing the system. I need a ramp from weird. I can't just jump. I can't make the mighty leap. What about this from 378? Pete in Guildford. He might do the job. The safety pin on a kilt

is a piece of jewellery that is used to weigh it down to stop it blowing in the wind. The lower corner is known as an apron and it would all blow open without it. Oh, OK. Yeah, you don't want your Scottish gentleman having one of those, is it Marilyn Monroe moments? No, you don't want that. Standing over the...

No. You don't want that. I thought the... You don't want that. I thought Scottish gentleman was a euphemism. It is now. There is... I can't think of any way of saying this in a clean way,

so I'm not going to say it. I'll never stop you. The producer shook her head as you said that. Oh, there you go. But what did that mean? Like a horse shakes its head and it's all...

I'm going to try again. Not bad. Not a bad horse impression. The producer put my headphones on during the thing and they're obviously, they're bigger than they were and she completely denied she'd adjusted them. She has a massive bouffant

hairdo, I should point out. Careful when you say that. Shall I tell you about my aftercare briefly? Yes. I think I should share it with you. Do you want to hear it, Al? If you've just tuned in, this is about the theory that if you have cause to dump someone, which is always an awful thing, it is a myth that it's worse for the person who's doing

it than the person who's getting it. But Emily put to me some time ago there should be a thing called aftercare which is where you get a bit of post-dumping um nurturing yeah it's on nurturing you shall be remembered by the manner of your departure and i had some lovely aftercare once it was gentleman. I think it's fair to say the liaison had been brief. OK. As brief as is possible, really. Oh, really, that brief?

Was it dangereux? Do you still need aftercare after that? Oh, that's when aftercare's most important. OK. OK? Is it just a cooked breakfast, or am I being too laddy? For me, it's an Uber. Booked by your PA.

No, anyway. So, this particular... There was no Uber when I was doing that sort of thing. I think I'd have had to get her a handsome cab. Penny Pond. I shall call you a cat, my dear.

You would have had, like, Flintstones, like a pterodactyl was driving it. So, essentially, this gentleman, and I'm going to call him that because his behaviour, I think, was very gentlemanly. We had the briefest of liaison. A few days later, you know, you're waiting, you're at work in those days, waiting for the phone to ring, phone call came, they're numb. I'm getting the message. But he's obviously worked out, we're going to see each other again. We were in similar worlds, I'll tell you off air. And he did something which I think now in hindsight was very clever. I got a phone call from his secretary. So already he's putting up a slight boundary, but I still got the phone call.

From his secretary. That's good. And then he said, the secretary said, Hello, Mr X would very much like to invite you to a football game. I said, oh, how lovely. He wasn't playing, can I say? He wasn't a footballer. He would very much like to invite you to a football game. I said, oh, how lovely. He wasn't playing, can I say? He wasn't a footballer. He would very much like to invite you to a football game. He's got a box and he'd like to... I said, oh, this is lovely. Thank you. I'm getting excited.

I'm planning what to wear. I'm sort of planning the wedding. It's like the general election, putting your ex in a box. Yeah. You need something for that. Come on, a jingle. It's cool. What about this? Congratulations.

Can we stop it there? The producer is really getting very shirty. Oh, I think this is good. Northern sweat shirty. We can leave this on the cliffhanger. We'll leave it there. You've been offered a box at the game by the man who... Well, anyway, the man.

Okay. More soon. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were mid-anecdote. So you've had a liaison. You've had a call from his secretary. Yeah. I like that. And you've been invited've had a call from his secretary. Yeah. I like that.

And you've been invited to a box at a football game. Yeah. It was at Spurs, actually. Wrong team, but that's all right. OK, yeah. And I thought, this is classy. This is good. He's left it a few days.

He's got the secretary to call, but he's invited me on a date to a football. And in a box, no less. So I said, I'd be delighted to come his secretary said lovely he's just asked as well um do feel free to bring a plus one and i said okay um and then i put the phone down and I realised it was an absolute masterclass in aftercare. Because what he'd done is invited me, but by saying bring a date, essentially, he's making it clear. Yeah, it's much better than asking his secretary to say, oh, by the way, he said, don't get any funny ideas.

It's better than that, isn't it? That's essentially what he was saying. Yeah, if anyone said that to me. Although, are we? That's essentially what he was saying. Yeah, if anyone said that to me... Although, are we certain that that's what he was saying? I mean... Oh, now you tell me how. Are we sure that he wasn't saying, not so much les liaisons de Jereux, but more Manon?

No, I hope he wasn't saying that. Not at the football. No, no. And I tell you who it is. Keep it reminded at the football, will you that. Not at the football. No, no. Can I tell you who it is? Keep his reminded at the football, will you? Not three at the back. If it was Pacino, he'd never have played that. As I once heard at Arsenal, keep it simple, Morrow.

Yeah, exactly. Anyway, let's return to the outside world, Frank Skinner. What everyone has to eventually. Yeah, we do. We've had some correspondence, haven't we, Al? Did you see the Tony the Tiger correspondence? Sounds great. Please hold forth.

Well, Julie Maguire, she is a Yorkshire woman, exiled in Virginia, USA. Okay. Long-time listener. Was thrilled to hear you mention the time you went to Wembley with David Baddiel under somewhat under-the-weather Tony the Tiger. For indeed, I can confirm that it was the old Wembley Stadium they attended for the England vs Poland Euro 2000 qualifier

because I was that Tigers keeper. Working at the time for Kellogg's and Frosty's PR company, we're not getting paid this is just in the context of the editorial. We're not Jess and Eve Gale

are we? I say we're not Jess and Eve Gale. No. Aren't we? Our team was tasked... I say, we're not Jess and Eve Gale. Our team was tasked with getting Tony into unexpected places with celebrity friends in an effort to raise his profile. Oh, nice. If my memory serves me well, Tony had also recently attended London Fashion Week,

something like that, serves me well, Tony had also recently attended London Fashion Week to make his catwalk debut. Oh, nice. He'd also been a stunt double for Julie Goody. Oh, very. Much to our client's satisfaction, we managed to secure the obligatory paparazzi pictures of Frank, David and Tony

having a great time. Yes. Picture enclosed. I've got it here. We should put it up on the socials. Before Tony slinked off tail between his legs for his cat nap. However, I have serious doubts as to whether Tony's exhaustion, which Frank referred to last week, was caused by being the Pink Panther the week before, as intimated by Frank. I'm only quoting T, T, the T. Or whether...

T, treble T. It was having recently spent time out on the tune with England legend Paul Gascoigne. Oh, OK. Read as you decide. I see. Despite this happening more than 20 years ago, there is one thing I can recall from that day

with absolute certainty regarding Frank Skinner. I think we need to leave people on a cliffhanger with this because it's quite something. Are we on? It's been a real cliffhanger. Is that supposed to be? Oh, God, it's all very chaotic this morning. Just wait till...

I feel like in a minute my alarm clock will go off and this has just been some odd dream. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I left us once again. We've had some extraordinary cliffhangers already this morning. We've had what was the specific bit

of aftercare I enjoyed after a one night liaison. We now... I don't think we actually establishedcare I enjoyed after a one-night liaison. Yeah. We now... I don't think we actually established it was one night, but there it is. Let's record. There it is recorded. Okay.

What a whole night. Whole night. Love. Love is in the air. love love is in the air julie mcguire has got in touch with her email entitled i was that tiger's keeper oh yes she has established that she was looking after tony the tiger on the day frank and david were at wembley with him for i think it was england v poland euro 2000ifier. She says there's something she recalls from that day with absolute certainty

and this is with regard to Frank Skinner. I'm a little edgy about this but carry on. Aren't we all dear? Yeah. Do you want to know what it is Al? Yeah go on fire away. Al? Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Good luck everyone. Frank's insistence

not a good start. Yeah. Frank's insistence... Not a good start. Yeah. Frank's insistence that we had the worst England seats he had ever sat in. Good times. Praise redacted, Julie. Julie, I can't apologise enough. Well, I don't think that's...

I think I'm just making a point, probably. I mean, the reason that Old Wembley became New Wembley is there were some rubbish places to sit there. But when you're with, you know, the cover boy of one of the country's top-selling cereals, you expect, you know... Yeah. You expect to be in a good spot.

I'm just gutted I didn't run into him at London Fashion Week on the catwalk. I mean, I'd love to have seen him at London Fashion Week. I wish he had. You know when people struggle to cross a leg, especially with a large thick onesie? Well, I was at a party at Gary Lineker's house once when he challenged Will Carlin to cross his legs. Will Carlin, the England rugby captain. And how was it? He couldn't do it.

His thighs were so muscular. He wouldn't be allowed on the front row then. He couldn't do it, no. That was one of the great regrets of his life. Do you mean front rowers in rugby or front rowers in fashion? Are you talking about scrums? Well, it is something of a scrum, let me tell you. I mean, it's a great reason for not being able to cross your legs

is that you're so muscular. If you're going to have, you know, a reason for not being able to. Muscular, is that what you call it? Well, they were, like, hard, like this. He was a big unit, wasn't he? Oh, man. A big what? Unit.

Oh, a unit, OK. What did what? Unit. Oh, a unit. What did you think I said? I said unit. Of course, you know what I should have said when I said goodbye to Tony the Tiger? Go on. Do you remember we did a thing that... We read a thing from Justin Topher, the astrologist.

We read a thing on the show from his Twitter. Yes. Saying that, he said, I have a new catchphrase when saying goodbye. Stay frosty. That would have been a great one for Tony the Tiger. And of course, anyone who was cryogenically preserved, he was saying goodbye to.

Yeah, good point. We've just put up this picture now. Oh, go on. I'm just saying we've just put up this picture of Tony the tiger. We're getting so many there, great. Of course. It's a lovely picture of you, David. Is it?

Well, everyone looks good when they stand next to a faux tiger. I would have thought. I could be wrong. Good point. That's probably why I went to London Fashion Week. I went to London Fashion Week. I was escorted by a woman that you may recall, Tanya Breyer. Oh, yeah.

by a woman you may recall, Tanya Breyer. Oh, yeah. And it was great because Tanya Breyer knew all the ins and outs of the fashion houses. So she'd say to me, yeah, they caused a bit of a sensation last year with a high collar, so everyone's looking to see. And there's all that stuff. And, of course, if ever you're with someone who's in the know, it makes things much more interesting.

What was your association? Was it a relationship? No, it was a... I think she was writing up going to London Fashion Week with Frank Skinner. That was her. Extraordinary. Yeah.

Pretty nice woman. I wish I'd read that article. OK Magazine. London Fashion Week. This week with Frank Skinner. I think that's what it was all about anyway it might have just been a date don't think so

back to our studio I'd like to bring your attention to a story that caught my ears this week I heard people on the radio talking about a dog that was rescued from a dangerous area using a sausage attached to a drone.

Now, I appreciate that Frank has already several times today thought he was dreaming, and this may not be helpful because it sounds like a dream, doesn't it? But they actually tied a cooked sausage to a bit of string and then teased a Jack Russell off some dangerous mud flats in Pompey, Portsmouth. It's amazing. It's one of those stories where when the person thought of that idea, I bet there was some initial giggling. And he said, had to say, no, no, or she had to say, no, no, I'm serious.

Yeah. I think that would work. Yeah, so they got a drone. This is something I was shocked about. There is an organization called the Den, what's the name of the place they're at? Den Meal, is it? Anyway, it's the Dr of the place they're at den meal here is it anyway yeah it's the drone search and rescue team i didn't know drones had become a part of search and rescue that passed me by i thought they were just used to bother neighbors with yeah well um katie price told

me she had one of her own and katie price used to um send the drone out to make sure, to see if there was paparazzi outside the front gate. And if there wasn't, she stayed in. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Speaking of surprises, dog rescued by sausage on string flown over by drone was the story we're discussing at the moment. I was interested that the guy, Chris Taylor, the chair of the drone search and rescue team,

said, yeah, it was a sausage someone got from Aldi's. Aldi, is it? And I thought, are you doing a read? He's doing a read for me. You know what I thought? I thought, are you Jess and Eve Gale? Yeah. I should say Jess and Eve Gale are two sisters from Love Island

who have been reprimanded, I think, for doing tweets and things that are really adverts, but they haven't... You have to say if you're doing an advert, I think. Yes. Oh, dear. And we would. Yeah, exactly.

Thank you. So I don't know if Chris Taylor was doing an advert for Aldi, but... Another thing that got me as well, you'll get this, I think, those who know the show well, was they had to wait for a local resident to cook the sausage. Now, as you know, as children in our house, my brothers and sister and I used to eat raw sausages. Yes.

So if it's good enough for us, I don't... For us. Why would you have to cook the sausage? You do sometimes have this attitude, Frank, it'll be like,

oh, we walk for 17 miles with no shoes and blisters, it's good enough for us. I know, but this is a dog, remember? I know, but some of the things

he said about dogs, Al, he said in the past, oh, he didn't need leads, they just went off on their own all day. It was good enough for us. We encouraged independence. They were very free-range. They just went off on their own all day. It was good enough for us. We encouraged the independent.

They were very free-range. They were free-range. The dogs were very free-range. Exactly. I have a theory about the cooking of the sausage. Surely, if they're using the sausage on a string to tempt the dog off the dangerous area, a cooked sausage is smellier,

so the dog will be like oh I'll run that way is that not what they did? the dog's not going to go oh a raw sausage is over there you could still smell, our dog we feed it on raw meat and

she seems enthusiastic ok I say raw meat, Your dog's like a... Stray cats. No, no, not really. Frank, I mean... No, I wouldn't. No, it gets...

We get... She gets half a carton of raw meat a meal. Okay. And seems very happy with it. So I think a dog would be a leeward. Not my dog. Wouldn I think a dog would be a leeward. Not my dog. Wouldn't like a raw sausage. Oh, my dog insists on...

My dog will only eat hot food. I have to cook his food in the saucepan. Wowee. Yeah. Before I eat, I have to cook his food. I've given him cold food before. He turns his nose up. Well...

Is that why you were saying off air you were considering hiring a chef for your dog? He honestly would not eat something like an old sausage or something. He would never. If ever he gets trapped in what was it? Quicksand or

something. Quicksand? Frank, it's not a 70s comic book. Quicksand. Quicksand I think, it's not a 70s comic book. Quicksand. Quicksand, I think, does exist, surely, doesn't it? It's a thing. Not for 50 or so years. What happened to Quicksand?

Quicksand is one of the few things I can think of where I know what your, I know the big don't. Don't struggle. Oh, yeah. I remember Matt Ford saying to me once on my podcast.

You've gone Matt Ford crazy this morning. I have. I've got meningitis. Yeah. But I remember him saying to me once on my podcast. You've gone Matt Ford crazy this morning. I have. I've got meningitis. Yeah. But I remember him saying to me, we just don't hear of quicksand anymore. Ah. Well, there you go. I think it's probably in other countries, but you wouldn't.

This was, what was this dog? This dog was in mod flats, I think. Okay. Yeah. But used the sausage. I think Les Dennis tried it to get Amanda Holden back, the sausage on the drone. I think sometimes you have to accept they've gone.

Well, and to bring it back round to dogs, don't you remember when I sent my dog away to the Country Dog Hotel and a photograph was sent to me of him with Les Dennis? Oh, is that right? And you said, is he doing comedy at the dog hotel, and a photograph was sent to me of him with Les Dennis. Oh, is that right? And you said, is he doing comedy at the dog hotel now? Oh, no. No, I saw Les Dennis recently. I love Les Dennis.

In HMS Pinafore at the Coliseum. He's very fine. He's fabulous. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, by the way, on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215. I love it when they do that. So do I.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, likewise. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Mother. Do you ever watch TV before coming in here? Yes, always. Oh, so do I. I watched Mark Kermode this morning. Did you see him?

No, I switched him off for Sky Sports News. I noticed something about Mark Kermode, which I love, which is a certain type of man, he has a brooch, but it's a guitar. A silver guitar. No, he always wears that that I think that's that's

significant I think and he wears that small model of a surfer on the top of his quiff. And he was in a band with David Baddiel at school. Was he really? Yes I've discussed this before. Can I tell you a story that my this is on this on the subject of the scent of smell that dogs have compared to humans i was talking to um um claudio who's the geologist who lives next door to me and he's always telling me he's always telling me science facts and he tell he gives buzz science books and things he's really into all that mega time and um he was we were talking i was out with um my dog and he he said um he said you know um some people he said i was listening to a lecture by blah blah blah science lecture he said some people if you put a spoonful of sugar in their

tea they claim that the tea smells differently they can smell of sugar in their tea they claim that the tea smells differently they can smell the sugar in their tea yeah and that's seen as very acute sense of smell in a human being he said a dog according to this lecture you could put a spoonful of sugar in two olympic swimming pools of water and the dog would be able to smell the difference. Wow. See, I think I've got canine olfactory senses because I can honestly... You know, when we're doing this, Al, I'm not lying. I can smell if the flat opposite absolute radio

are cooking garlic and onions. I know, you've said that to me before. I've smelled that cooking from across the road and I think, what? And you can't smell it. No, no, I can't. My sense of smell, it actually causes me problems, it's so finely tuned.

But why do these creatures with this acute sense of smell need to get, like, three mil from other dogs behind? I mean, you'd think that would be such overload that it would knock them unconscious. It's very odd. I find that seems to be contradictory. It causes problems when you have a very highly developed sense of smell. Did I tell you once I was out walking with Kath, my partner.

We used to go on lots of walking holidays. Still do. And we could smell aniseed and i said to her well they must have is does aniseed grow on bushes or trees i can really smell it strong and suddenly we had this and these about seven enormous hounds approaching us it's really quite frightening we had to step out the way and they shot past us on the path and um it was all very confusing and then we saw these blokes and we realized that they were training these dogs to follow a scent using aniseed just happened to be using a public footpath but then we walked a bit further and there was another dog one of these hounds

who was just frolicking on its own in a section of grass hadn't picked up the aniseed and was just joyfully skipping around and i think me and kath both thought that's us isn't it the rest of the world driven powering forward with focus and we frolic. It's quite a bonding moment I thought. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars, has got in touch regarding

the story about Millie the dog and the sausage. Oh Millie, I didn't get her name. Wow, there's a lot of Millies, especially in the North London area. You get trampled by the rush if you call out Millie in North London. Well, we got a poppy and there's a lot of poppies. Okay. Yeah.

There's not many Raymonds. No, I bet. It's quite weird. There's very few Kenneth Williams in the cat world. That could be a one-off. Respect. Ultra Magnus. Yes.

You're familiar with Ultra Magnus, one of our beloved regulars. Who once met us outside the studio. Charming. With his good lady wife. What's happened to you? Vip used to say his good lady wife. That used to be a thing.

Yeah. My worst thing, and I will write someone off, is if i meet a gentleman of a certain age and he says and i don't know believe you've met my lady oh my lady it's very howard's way the lady um ultra magnus i don't think raw sausage meat has the structural i'm gonna start that again because it was terrible i don't think raw sausage meat has the structural... I'm going to start that again because it was terrible. I don't think raw sausage meat has the structural integrity to survive being dangled below a drone. But a raw sausage... Wait, hold your high horses.

A cooked sausage is much more rigid. Yes, but I didn't say sausage meat. I meant a raw sausage was what I said. And so you've still got the skin. But I didn't say sausage meat. I meant a raw sausage was what I said. And so you've still got the skin. One could argue it would hold on even better because I think the skin is more likely to break on a cooked sausage than it is on a raw one. Yeah.

Subject of this. Sorry? Go on. We used it like when we used to eat raw sausage, we used the skin like... Do you remember tip-tops? They probably call them something else in London. They were like frozen things that came in a...

Oh, yeah. Long, thin, frozen things, and you ate them out of the packet. We ate the sausage like that. Oh, those sort of ice pops, yeah. Yeah, like made ice pops. The more you retell these stories, the more gross I find it.

Well, I tell you what, recently, now, see what you think about this. I cook some sausages and I forgot to prick them. And I've always pricked sausages because I understood that if you don't, they explode. Split. You get those horrible, sort of terrible open wounds on the side of a cooked sausage. Do you know what I mean?

Sometimes they look like mouths. You can see that, like a lip. And nothing happened whatsoever. They cooked fine no need for that that's fine and I just thought the time I've wasted pricking sausages

was that wasted I cut a cross at the end of a Brussels sprout is that a waste of time waste of time I cut a cross on the top of a chestnut before it goes in the oven. What about a baked potato? No, but they explode, chestnuts, don't they?

Surely. Am I wasting my time? This is food prep. This is the full level of my food prep is those three things. I don't really get involved with cooking chestnuts because I'm not a Victorian squire. Okay. Well, I'm thinking it's a very sort of bonfire night thing to do and I choose it. How's your venison pie and your quail?

I'd rather cook chestnuts than an effigy of a Roman Catholic freedom fighter. That's my view. That escalated. Anyway... Do you want to hear what Ruth Jordan briefly has to say? I do. The producer's getting on my back about talking too much. Well, just this quickly.

I love the fact this is regarding a photo that has been put up on social media of yourself, David Baddiel, and Tony the Tiger. Ruth points out, I love the fact that someone has written Tony with a pen on Tony the Tiger. Ruth points out, I love the fact that someone has written Tony with a pen on Tony the Tiger's scarf, like they had the costume made and then thought, what if people don't recognise him?

We better write his name on it. I think he probably went into wardrobe and there's several other character scarves in there and that's why he's got his name on. He doesn't want to come out wearing a Rupert scarf accidentally. So I think that's like, you know when you send your kids to school

they've got to have their name tags. I think that's what happened with Tony. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. What else? You know what? I'll tell you what else. I would love to take a little stroll down Previously Lane.

Oh, yes. Now, this is when people write in about stuff that's happened on last week's show. Sometimes shows before that. It gives the whole thing. Some people, you know, they listen to the show on the podcast. They miss out on my fabulous musical choices, but there you have it. And then they respond. Sorry.

So we don't. I don't think he was offering that for you to laugh at. No, that was the serious. That was utterly sincere. I don't think he was offering that for you to laugh at. No, that was the serious... I think I didn't see her. That was utterly sincere. I don't do utterly sincere that often. No. No, I miss her. And then you do, and she chuckles.

I know. She chuckles. That's what they're like. Yeah. So... It's all right when they do it. So we're down in Previously Corner. Lame.

We don't have, sadly, we don't have a jingle for Previously. You're quite good at spontaneous comedy. Come on, Frank, come up with one. Okay, then. Here we go. That was fairly Previously. And there's lots of people who've got previous for Kung Fu Fighting. Yeah.

Okay. Yes, sir. I think so. I want to take us back to 15th of January, 2022. Three wheel cars. This is from which we were discussing, you may remember. Ian Macdonald in Preston. Listening to your comments regarding the three-wheelers,

my dad used to have a Bond Mini three-wheeler made in my hometown of Preston. And to start it, he had to open the bonnet... Sorry. Open the bonnet! Climb into the engine bay and then kick-start it like a motorcycle. Oh, wow.

Imagine when it stalled at the lights. But was there a problem with it or was that how they worked? I have no idea. Perhaps, Ian, if you could furnish us with any more information. And this was a Bond, did you say? This was a Bond Mini three-wheeler. Oh, OK. Are you familiar with those?

No, I don't know. There was a Bond Mini three-wheeler. Okay. Are you familiar with those? No, I don't know. There was a fabulous thing. Unless it's the Bond Bog he's talking about. The Bond Bog was an orange car that looked like a wedge of cheese. And it was in the sort of, it would be one of the forerunners of the smart car. And it was regarded, I think they pitched it as being quite cool but I don't know if it was I think that he might have had a bond

bog, that's I wonder if owning one of those would either make me hungry or make me want to play Trivial Pursuit more It was a similar size, I must say Oh I haven't even thought of a Bond bug for all those years. If anyone else has got any Bond bug information. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We, do you remember, are we still in previously? Because, good, I'd like to stay there. Because, Al, we've had some fabulous correspondence. We, the ain't chair. Oh, yes. Do you want to remind everyone? Yeah, we talked about which celebrities did we think would unironically use the word ain't. Like, and I ain't going there.

When people say stuff like that. It's a bit five live. We've got a few. We've got King of the Ain't Chair. This is a nominee from Russ Appleby, who refers to himself as Prisoner 937. He's nominating Pete Waterman. Oh, yeah.

He says, I think he's used it in every interview I've ever seen him in. E.g. speaking of Rick Astley, I said to him, you ain't never beating that kid. In fact, when I once did a sketch, a pop idol sketch, I had a chat show before the war, and I remember being Pete Waterman in that, and I said...

I think it was with Britney Spears. Britney Spears was there. I remember. And I said, and you ain't going to be a pop idol. So, yeah, he was an ain't. Very much an ain't guy. Al, have you seen these other ones?

Stephen... Well, Stephen C79, with possibly my favourite, an unsuspected member of the ain't club, is hashtag Jeremy Irons who according to one

said in an interview years on us would apt the establishment to pull me in as one of their own for I ain't wow it's sort of better coming from him because you know it would be delivered with a good timbre.

Do you know I saw... I ain't. I saw Irons, hashtag Irons, on The One Show recently. Oh, yeah. And his boots were trending. They were the most... Were they? ...actorish boots I've ever seen in my whole life.

No civilian would ever wear those boots. They were actor's boots. What were they like? They were brown and battered. They weren't like normal boots. Were they over the trousers? I took a picture of them. I took a screen grab.

Of course they were over the trousers. Yeah. They were sort of Regency boots. They were very, he is on 200 a year. Mr. Irons. They're extraordinary. I'll show them you. I wonder if when

Jeremy Irons is between jobs, he feels rusty. I like it. Did he used to be in the Levellers? I there's a he read

some of T.S. Eliot's poetry on Radio 4 and you can get it as a as a CD and on the front of that even though he's just in a studio he's got an enormous scarf like he was peering out of a scarf like a coiled snake. Smoking rollies.

Oh, I love it. I ain't. Good actor, though. Fair play to J.I. I saw him in the Rover at Stratford in the 1970s. Have we got time for a quick final eight? Sarah says, I wonder if you should put in the ain't chair, Grayson Perry.

I'm reading his book, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl, on page 115 there's a picture of his mad kid's bedroom. It says, I was a mad kid, but now I ain't. I got out because I could paint. Ah, well he's using it for rhyme, that's not so

bad. Is he though? I hope so. I've come to love Grayson Perry through Grayson Perry's Art Club, which is, I think, one of the finest TV shows of recent times. Gosh. And joking, I ain't. I ain't. We've had a good email that I would like to bring to your attention, Frank,

because it's about a subject that you brought up mere moments ago on the radio show that we're doing. It's entitled Pricked Sausage. Oh, yeah. It begins, Good morning, everyone. During the Second World War, sausages used to have a very high water content due to the rationing of meat to fill out the sausage. You know what I mean? They put it in the water.

When cooked, they had to be pricked. Otherwise, the water would cause them to explode. And that's why they have the nickname bangers. Today's sausages. It's good, that, that isn't it it's interesting it is today's sausages especially the more expensive ones have very little water content it's still good practice to prick them because of the expansion of the meat inside i hope this helps and then there's some praise and that's from paul Failsworth, Manchester. That is good knowledge.

That is bangers. I did not know that. And people, I find that our fellow presenters are always talking about playing bangers and stuff like that. Yes. And I'm never quite sure what the definition of a banger is. Is it one that you... Because I've...

Alan Jones on his uh show on classic fm says we're going to play a banger now and it's like a suzer march or something like that right and absolute banger from handle coming up exactly that's not good, that. Nonsense. What else from the old... Hold on. Outside world, outside world. Oh, the outside world. Oh, I can smell the herring. Yes, Carol.

Are you okay, Emily? It's reference to herring reference we've had some do you remember we've also been talking about people who are actually lovely off air oh yes nice celebrities that i have met not i have met but i mean whoever has met yeah it's interesting that we feel that that is the remarkable thing to meet a nice one. Yeah. Yeah, who have we got? We've got a nicest celebrity, Viggo Mortensen. Are you familiar with his work? Google him.

I was doing extra work after leaving school. Is he an action hero? I love I was doing extra work after leaving school. This is like my childhood. And I was in a battle scene okay stunt guys roughing me up as i was one of only a couple of extras that day and i was getting paid the same um he stopped the scene and i believe got very angry because people were roughing him up and uh he came along for a chat and a drink, and he was so nice.

I had a cut above the eye, a bit sore, but no stitches and a good yawn. As you were, Simon. There are people you can talk to about this, you know. Yeah, I'm supposed to be acting, isn't it? So, Viggo got friendly with the Atmos. He was lovely. And then we've got also Derek.

Derek from Kirkcaldy. Kirkcaldy. I should have left that to Ali. He's a Scotsman. But I'm pretty confident it's Kirkcaldy. How do you say it? Kirkcaldy. Kirkcaldy. But I present as English. Okay. I didn't meet him but I had a

crazy event with Michael Palin. I was running for a flight with the gate closing at Manchester. Out of the corner of my eye I caught someone I knew waved and said, can't stop, see you later. Boarded my flight

and thought, OMG, that was Palin. Oh. Because he wanted to, that was at a time when he wanted to see him at an airport. Because he was

the most travelled man. I used to, I remember doing stretching. There was three mats for stretching. I remember doing stretching. There was three mats for stretching. When I used to go to the gym, I went to the gym because I was naked in a theatrical performance, and there was three stretching mats,

and I was on one mat, Palin was on the next, and Eleanor Bonham Carter on the other. What a sandwich. Oh, yeah, didn't come to that. Anyway, Sarah Champion's up next. Listen to Sarah. I'm going to tell you,

episode three of my poetry podcast will be available on Wednesday. It's Jen Hadfield who wrote an incredible collection of poetry called The Stone Age, which is all about Shetland and mystical island stuff. It's brilliant.

And the first two are still available from wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so stay frosty. And thanks so much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us, it's a strange show, I can only apologise. You know what? Even Homer nods.

So if the good Lord spares us and the cranks don't rise, we'll be back home this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.