The Frank Skinner Show - Coulsdon

Episode Date: September 12, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank did something that made him feel empowered and had a family trip to the dentist. The team discuss the ‘love letters’ between Trump and Kim Jong-un and Alun’s been back to work.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. We are live in the studio today. Let's make the most of it. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Hi. Oh, I just feel like...

Chicken tonight. Chicken tonight. You haven't got any lined up for me, have you, as a surprise? Can be arranged. I would do the chicken tonight dance, but I'd probably be emanating armpit spores, which are potentially fatal. I can never remember which spores are

okay, and which spores are the killer spores. Well, I mean, just to play devil's advocate, very few of them are the killer spores now, aren't they? But anyway... Oh no, I accidentally opened up that argument. Controversy corners started already.

Controversial is just fact, but anyway. Who'd have thought Chicken Tonight would take us to a coronavirus? What? Is Chicken Tonight a sauce? Yes. Oh, OK. I didn't think I even knew that.

I think Ian Wright used to advertise it. Oh, did he? Did he? I think I've got an image of Ian Wright flapping his imaginary wings. It makes me feel like I'm a twenty-something because I ate quite a lot of honey and mustard flavoured

chicken tonight. Do you? No, I did. Oh, you did? I would like to think that my cuisine has progressed a little. Did Ian Wright get that gig then on the strength of his name? Because... Chicken to write, you mean? I don't think they use that as a pun. than on the strength of his name. Because... Chicken to write, you mean? Yes.

I don't think they use that as a pun. It's a nice idea, though. OK, I'm assuming they might have. What do you mean? Do you think they were looking for Mr Right for the job? I think that Mark Wright they approached. They approached... Christopher Hitchens. Hitchens tonight.

He would have been an interesting advert. Yeah, he would have been. And Mark Bright, there was just a backup if things went wrong. And then they had Simon Callow doing an advert called I'm Going to Read Some Dickens Tonight. Dickens Tonight. And him, like, flapping a quill. Did Dickens write with a quill?

No, he's post-quill. What would Dickens have written with? He would have been crossover definitely, wouldn't he? What did Dickens write with 8, 12, 15? Keep it clean. Let's just talk all that stuff. You don't want to believe that.

Oh, I have I should say thank you to our you know we've got new sponsors for the show have we? who's it chicken tonight? they asked that they wouldn't be named

because they said they felt pushing the company name is a bit embarrassing and they prefer to keep a low profile. Is this so now? So we're not even going to. You know when you say on Sky Sports, sure for men, sponsors Sky Sports.

It says proudly sponsors. That's right. So we're going to use the word surreptitiously. Wouldn't it be great? Obviously it's not true because that's all they care about. But wouldn't it be great if you got a sponsor that that's all they care about but wouldn't it be great if you got a sponsor that said

I'd rather you didn't mention our name find it a bit naff like a silent business partner yes people are doing it

because they care ambient sponsorship I like the idea of that oh man if there's a sponsor out there who's thinking

you know what I want to sponsor someone but I find it a bit embarrassing the whole name thing this is where Oh, man. If there's a sponsor out there who's thinking, you know what, I want to sponsor someone, but I find it a bit embarrassing, the whole night thing. This is where you need to come. I think we might be one of the last unsponsored shows on Absolute Rage. What does that tell you?

It's fine. I'm over it now. I'm just, you know, just thinking it over. You've got an itchy arm there. Pardon? I have got an itchy arm there. Pardon? I have got an itchy arm. Ferociously scratching that. Yeah, that's my crossbow arm.

And I think I'm using the wrong varnish. Yeah. I'm not happy about it. So what have I been up to this week, I hear you ask? Well, I had my first, since the lockdown, I had my first trip to the dentist. Oh, how were they? Well, we did a family appointment,

which means me, Kath and Boz have 20 minutes each. So we book an hour and then we turn up and then we take it in turn. So we all sat in and then we turn up and then we take it in turn. So we all sat in and talked to each other and sat in the room for the whole time. Oh, in the same room? Oh, I thought, Al, for a minute it was all at once, like the xylophone player rushing around between the three of you. The sparrow inside the pigeon inside the peasant inside,

which was all sitting on each other's lap. But there was a bit where Kath was in the chair Inside the pigeon, inside the pheasant, inside, it was all sitting on each other's lap. Yeah. But there was a bit where Kath was in the chair and there was like me and Boz was there and she was in the chair and Dan the dentist and Sadie the nurse all gathered round. And Kath said, you know what, I'd kill to have perfect teeth. And I thought about it.

I said, well, I wouldn't kill a human being. I said, I'll tell you what, let's have a little survey. How big an animal would you kill to have perfect teeth? And I thought, oh, that might be a good texting. What would you? I'm not that bothered about perfect teeth, but I'd certainly take it at, let's say, a wolf. A wolf? You'd go as big as a wolf?

Would you? Interesting. I don't know if I could go above insect, Frank. Really? I've got to be honest. Perfect teeth. Your teeth are nice, though. Yeah, come on. Come on. Slug. I think slug is the lowest

on the planet. One less horse on the planet? Is that going to make so much difference? Oh, God! Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You've started quite a bleak texting there, Frank. Yes, yes.

I didn't think it would actually happen as a texting. For anybody that's just joined, where were you? And also, Frank has asked, what was the biggest... What was the question? What's the biggest animal... What's the biggest animal you'd be prepared to see slaughtered in order to get perfect teeth?

729, keeping with the bleak tone, says, I once met a murderer and he had terrible teeth, so it just goes to show it can never be guaranteed. Not worth the risk, in my opinion. Yeah, I don't know that it was ever part of the deal for being I once met a murderer.

Yeah. It's the start of a good story. Well, we probably all have without realising it. Yeah, maybe. Do you think? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, I thought they were fairly thin on the ground.

Oh. Well, I think we're safe in this room. Yes. Is that the time? Yeah. We've also had, in response to that, Ian Wilson has... Wilson. ...got in touch.

He says, do you have to take that animal's teeth? Good question, Ian. Oh, that is a good question. That would be... You can't. You can't do that. Well, in a sidebar, not a text-in, but a sidebar to not a text-in, but a sidebar to the OG text-in,

who would animal do you think has the best teeth? Well, I mean, the truth is... We need a definition of best. Yeah, well, you know, I think we're allowing our own aesthetic opinion. I mean, horse... No. Crocodiles have three rows, don't they?

Can I tell you the worst? What? Having spent some time in Egypt amongst camels. Oh. They've got disgusting teeth. What are they up to, camels? I didn't even know you'd spent time in Egypt amongst camels. Oh, God.

I went on a camel trail in Egypt. Did you? Yeah. Do they have, I imagine they have a lot of plaque. They are disgusting. First of all, their teeth come out forward as if, you know when sometimes you're wrestling with a dog, with an object, like it's biting toy.

And sometimes you pick them up and they're hanging from the biting toy by their teeth. Looks like a camel's done that for 48 hours every week. And their teeth have come forward. And it looks like they've got suntanned. Oh, yeah, they're sort of at a jutty-outy angle, aren't they? A lot of them have only got, like, one eye and stuff. They spit, they break wind, they are disgusting. angle aren't they a lot of them have only got one eye and stuff they spit

they break wind they are disgusting I'd kill one of them just for a filling

would you no I wouldn't of course I wouldn't because I think they have such

physical presence it's almost as if they think we don't have to worry about these personal

grooming things the rest of you get out yeah I think it's like Steven Spielberg syndrome you know if if they think, we don't have to worry about these personal grooming things. The rest of you get on with it. Yeah, I think it's like Steven Spielberg syndrome. You know, if you're famous enough, you can look like Robbie. Right, yeah. 545 has said, Frank, I'd go for the biggest non-endangered animal, Gary.

Got ourselves a do-gooder here, everyone. No, no, I think what we've got there is someone who's taken the via media. They thought, well, you know, I'm prepared to kill a animal, but let's be sensible about it. I think I like that. It's not an extremist, this guy. Yeah. Respect to Mondo.

A lot of people are accusing us of an accidental partridge. Why's that? Because of our texting. But that's the point, you see. I would say that people that say accidental partridge are people I would put in a category of their own,

which I'm not prepared to name, because I like people to join in. I mean, it's 50 pence a text. Let's not, you know, let's not knock it back. Sean McFarlane Frank says, sloths could do that in my pyjamas. I honestly never thought this would be a texting. Speaking of texting,

what is sweet and sour sauce made out of? Oh, that's a good one. What is it? Lovely question. Was there a time, did it begin as there was two sauces? There was sweet sauce and sour sauce. And then they amalgamated. Wow.

Alan, over to you. I think it's worth letting the people decide this i'll tell you something and this is this is this is absolutely true the first time i ever went to a restaurant in my life our keith took me um i was 14 and um i had um sweet and sour chicken balls. Not just chicken, but you know, in batter. The battered balls. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. I couldn't believe how good it was.

Oh, man, it absolutely blew my mind. And I went to a Chinese place, a takeaway actually, week before last, and I still had sweet and sour chicken balls I've never found a better meal than that really

I started at the absolute top but I still don't know what sweet and sour is made out of if you do 8, 12, 15

if you know the history of it better still I asked this was a genuine question as well. Can I say on the sweet and sour front, I don't even have the slightest idea what's in it. I don't, I couldn't tell you what the base of it is anything. It's a taste which to me is as individual as

Oscar Wilde. I don't mean the taste of Oscar Wilde. Emily and I know the rough ingredients of sweet and sour sauce now because we spent the last song reading 50 different versions of it.

They've been coming. These sweet and sours in their droves. Yeah. I'll kick off with a 1.8. It's sugar, black vinegar, corn flour, soy sauce, red food colouring. Right, that's it. Well, there's other options are available. Al, over to you.

Yeah, some mischief makers. Neil and Francesca have said, I reckon it's jelly babies and vinegar. I mean, that's just not... No, but you know what? Silly babies. That, to me, I can sort of feel that more than I can feel the other ingredients. If you mix...

It'd be worth trying. I don't know if you could melt jelly babies. Is that... And also, I think I might get a big guilt thing about it, like when I text Bossy's teddy bear. I think it's unlikely, giving you earlier texting. What about coral from Cheltenham? I thought you were going to say included coral.

No, I don't think that melts down that easily. Also, the colour goes when you take it out to sea. It's got that lovely orange tinge. Coral from Cheltenham. What a great moniker. Coral from Cheltenham. What a great moniker. Coral from Cheltenham. I worked in a Chinese takeaway. No, I should say the emphasis differently.

I worked in a Chinese takeaway. The main ingredients of sweet and sour sauce are, you ready, Frank? Yeah. White vinegar. Okay, yeah, I'll have that. Oranges. Oh, no. I'll have that. Oranges. Oh, no.

Okay. I can taste that. Okay, well, see if you can taste this. Soy sauce. Yeah, cool. A few spices. Finally, Robinson's orange squash. You are oranges and Robinson's.

Has she got mixed up with the formula for orange juice? Oh, that's a good question. Coral knows whereof she speaks. But you know what? I would never, I would never, ever try and make my own. You wouldn't? No, because if I made a duff one, I just would feel that I had. It's like I...

You'd be crestfallen, would you? It would ruin the dish forever. I do a poetry podcast, but I would never write poetry because I would be slightly disgusted and disappointed by my own efforts. Can I bring to your attention a text message from 775 who says pineapple is the secret ingredient. Well, you do get bits of pineapple. Yeah, it's not a secret.

There's big lumps of it. You can see them. What bit of it is secret is hiding in plain sight? In the pineapple world, though, there must be a bit of status to being in there. You know, at the lower end. Showing off to the oranges. You know those people who live on gammon?

They're at the lower end. But we're with the sweet and sour people. Very nice. It's hardly a stealth fruit. It's yellow, for heaven's sake. Yeah, it's very distinctive. We've had so much sweet and sour correspondence. Thank you for that.

Frank, we've also had some correspondence related. Do you remember you were asking about the animals? Oh, yeah. I feel bad about that now can I say killing animals is bad we're hypothetically speaking carry on it is however Jamie Brightwell has said

I'd be confident in taking down an old sheep to have perfect teeth you wouldn't do it Al for perfect teeth me personally I've been in the fields with sheep, and they're big units, aren't they? They are, yeah. It's not like a whippet or something.

Think when you look, next time you look in the mirror and the teeth are absolutely spick and span. I would like that. Oh, no pain forever. I'll never have to go to the dentist again. You just know it. Frank's like the devil on my shoulder about my teeth.

I never expected that this morning. Oh God I should have said this to that camel. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah we were just talking about posh restaurants off air. We feel self conscious talking about it on air in case people feel alienated

but you'll be glad to know that they are rubbish in many ways posh restaurants you cannot get sweet and sour chicken balls you can get chicken sweet and sour but they will not batter them and for me

when you bite into the chicken ball your teeth are thinking um my teeth are not perfect because i'm i'm a pacifist uh i you think that with the it's oh it's it's not crunchy batter it's a sort of doughy oh this is a soft and then there's a sudden out of nowhere texture change when you hit chicken. And so you go... Oh, man. You go through a lot of complex emotions biting through the chicken ball. I'm not joking.

I've never, ever improved on sweet and sour chicken balls and with boiled rice as a meal. It's perfect. Whoever invented that, respect to Mondo, times two. Can we put that in the late review compilation that we're working on? I think we can. We've actually had a missive in also on the subject of animals from a chap who says,

your chat about feeding the alligators last week reminded me of a time we saw this up close. We were on a swamp tour just outside New Orleans. Swamp tour? Yeah. When the guy running it stopped the boat and started to throw marshmallows into the water. They'd barely touched the surface when an alligator would literally snap them up. There were at least half a dozen circling the boat.

Wow. Captain Bob. Captain boat. Captain Bob then asked us if anyone would like to hand feed one. Everyone looked at the floor except my wife Tina who bravely raised her hand and said he'll do it while pointing at me. I love Tina. Captain Bob then

got me to shuffle out onto something that looked very much like a plank and hold a chicken wing out at arm's length. He then said don't worry about the height they able to get up this far which wasn't as reassuring as he meant it to be when i asked him if he had any further advice he said yes don't forget to let go turns out that part of the process is pretty instinctive anyway so i can definitely confirm frank is correct about them leaping up from the water to quite a height. Something to remember if you're

pointed to anything outside of the boat. Keep up your contractually obliged duties. That's Eddie from Coulsdon. Oh, I'd like to live in Coulsdon. Would you? Oh, I see. That's like, you know that bit in Pulp Fiction? Because I'd read it, I was seeing the spelling.

You know in Pulp Fiction when he says okay, that's cool and the gang or something like that? It's just a way of saying cool. Yes, yes. Yeah. I'm going to start saying now. OK, Colston.

Are you? Yeah. That is a thing I'm going to start saying. OK. Are you... Looking forward to that. Well, we'll see how it goes.

So if I came in and I said, oh, I'm going to go to that gig on Tuesday, are you going to come with? I'm going to go to that gig on Tuesday, are you going to come with? I'd go, yeah, of course then. You'll see. It'll catch on.

I think it will. Everyone, everyone will be saying it. I mean, a lot that you say does catch on. Of course. Oh, man. I tell you how I'm feeling. I've got that sort of surge of adrenaline. You know when you do something that makes you feel, you know what, empowered?

You feel, I have done, I have stood up, I have stood up and been counted. Oh, yeah. Like when, for me, I haven't done this many times, but it really makes me think, like, you know what, if I want something, I will go out and, it doesn't hurt anyone, I will go out and get it, I don't care what other people think of me. It's when I've opened the window on a bus. Ooh.

I just got up and opened the window and sit down and think, yes, that is the kind of person I am. Good for you. If I want the window open, yeah, OK, you stared at me. You're thinking, look at that bloke opening the windows. Very good. Oh, man. What makes you feel super empowered at 12, 15?

Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. You mentioned before we went to that brief musical interlude, you talked about how you'd opened a window on a bus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I appreciate it's not the most revolutionary bus story

up there in terms of making a statement. However, I had a lot of respect for that because I've never done it. I've sat on buses and thought it's a bit stuffy and looked at the window and thought all these people and all think look at this, who does he think he is? And I haven't opened it and I've made up my mind

I'm not going to be that person anymore. Well, I've got a confession, Frank. I don't think I've ever done it. Wow. Have you ever been on a bus, Dan? Yeah, that's a good point. Um, uh, Alan. See, I thought your story was I went on a bus once

and I had to open every window immediately. I love buses. Yes, yes. Not so much at the moment, but I used to. Yeah. It's just a lot, I think things like that when, you know, when you say, excuse me, but this is a dirty fork. I'd like a clean one.

It's only a little victory in life. Mm-hmm. But some people can't do it i heard someone returning something in a coffee shop the other day and they said i really don't want to be that person and i thought you are yeah you definitely are being that person i do want to be that yeah but you know you are you see what you thought about them that's the sort of thing that people think when you do do something um that she was being dynamic yeah yeah no yeah you thought yeah yeah and that's what people think yeah so you say excuse me but this this um steak tastes of urine and people thinking oh

stop going on about it who do people think they are? I mean, it's that. We're not together on it at all. No. Anyway, I would like to know what actions make other people feel empowered in that same way. I'm glad I did that. Oh, 031 has one.

Oh, I haven't seen that. Well, don't worry, I'm across it. Forgetting a one pound coin and using my front door key for a trolley at the supermarket. I didn't even know that. Lack of change won't stop me. Well, you can do that.

You put a key in it. Ow, ow. You don't want to. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow.

Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Christmas tree. What, so you couldn't do what? Three trolleys now. You do get it back, don't you, the pound? Yeah, but I don't always have a pound. The smile on that man. I'm blinded. It's like a camel.

Can I say Absolute Radio do not approve of people using the key instead of the coin? I don't know that. No, I'm guessing. You might need to run past that. I've got the manual with me. It's been wiped inside. Oh, what about this one, Al?

Dan Bower. He loves you, Frank. Frank, I love the fact that a high-profile celebrity such as yourself is humble enough to travel on a bus still. Man of the people. Yeah, actually, it's to do with having an over-60s travel card and being a bit... It's about, Tom, I got something back

for all the tax I've paid. It's the darker motivation. It's a nice thing to say, though, Dan. something back for all the tax I've paid is the darker motivation. It's a nice thing to say, though, Dan. It is, I think. I appreciate that, Dan. Drink the long draft, Dan. For the impreced. Something of a subject change. 700 has answered your question.

I would guess Dickens wrote with a pen you had to dip in ink. Typewriters were available in his lifetime. Were they? I think it was Huckleberry Finn that was the first. Yes. Typewriters were available in his lifetime. Were they? I think it was Huckleberry Finn that was the first book composed on typewriters. That is a very good... It's a very strange tone you've taken. No, I didn't know where that...

I've never heard you speak like that before. I don't know where that tone came from. I didn't... I hope that never happens again. And all I said was that was a very good I mean it can be applied to so many things I think he just wants some voice over work

I think that's who he's after I could do a thesis on the, just analysing the peaks and troughs of that yeah, well it's mainly very growly wasn't it? It was, I'm not sure about that.

I tell you what it sounded a bit like. Who's that presenter that does Home is Where the Art Is? Nick. Nick Knowles? Yeah, Nick Knowles. It's a bit Knowlesian. Remember, there's clips of him singing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I don't know what he sung, but I imagine I know what his karaoke song is. I'm going to guess Mustang Sally. Oh, yeah. I'm thinking Big Bad Leroy Brown. Is that what he's called? Big Bad. Oh, man, yeah.

Stop it, Nick. Get out. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran you can text the show on 8 12 15 a lot of people have this morning which is always great follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Can I just say I've eaten some? It was the producer, Sarah, it was her birthday yesterday. I phoned her, I think, three times yesterday. Oh, how lovely, Frank. That's thoughtful. Yeah, having completely no reference to her birthday. I thought it was tomorrow. So every time she must have thought,

oh, I bet this is Frank. Oh, that's nice. He's asking me how to convert to MP3 on GarageBand. Is that what you're doing? Yeah. So sorry about that. Oh, you're doing some of your Mustang Sally. Yeah, I'm doing that.

I've got my own album coming out. Frank Skinner sings The Cranberries. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's a cystitis benefit thing. And our assistant producer, Faye, is a fabulous bakerist. Yeah. And so she's made a brilliant cake.

One of those cakes that comes from an era when people didn't worry about their weight or health. Yeah, it's so true. They just said cake and to hell with it. She really... Paul Hollywood would be all over her. I think that would have been a handshake, I think. It's a very Harold McMillan,

you've never had it so good cake. Yeah, it's one of those. Have you done all your business now? Yeah, well, I think, you know. Lovely. So, we've had all sorts of responses, Frank, to your text-ins this morning. Ultramagnus, he says,

I feel empowered. This is in reference to your opening the bus window. I feel empowered by using my degree in engineering to explain to people on the bus that opening the window directly above them will benefit them little, but it

will massively inconvenience the guy three seats behind them. Oh, Ultra. Wow wow what he's talking about there is trajectory yeah i mean no one and i don't think we should go into this on air because it'd be too complicated but i have never worked up or never worked out rather if i'm on a train train zooming and I'm sitting the right face in the engine um and I throw let's say a sweet and sour chicken ball in the air I don't understand why it doesn't hit me in the face because once it's once it's free of my grip why doesn't my face on the train go straight into it yeah is this a thing you try often?

Surely it would, wouldn't it? No, it wouldn't. It doesn't? It's like the train is its own little world. So the gravity is within train, you think? Well, it's not so much gravity. If we went outside and I threw an orange in the air and then I ran forward, I might well run into it on the way down.

Doesn't work on a train. That's interesting. Can I tell you who I have ultimate respect for? Are those people. You know when you're on the tube, yes it's not a bit of observational comedy you ever expected from me. You know when you're on the tube but let's give it a go.

You know when you're on the tube and there's that rattling noise and the window is pushed very far down there's a lot of noise and too much wind blowing in the people that get up and slam shut that window oh they should they're leaders i mean that's like the head of the british army level for me i don't know if i've ever even seen that i mean you know that bit when you're listening to like an audio book i'm sorry for people who I don't know if I've ever even seen that. You know that bit when you're listening to an audio book? I'm sorry for people who don't live in London,

but the tube, you get the sense of it. They get it on the train, yeah. And it suddenly goes really loud on the tube and you can't hear your audio. That is very inconvenient. There's no other word for it. Yeah. Well, there probably is no other word for it. I don't want Roger texting in and says,

actually, there's nine other words that would have worked perfectly well. You don't want to know all Roger is. Yeah. And then he'd probably say, OK, Roger and out. He would have probably said, who is Roger? Or Roger that. Yeah. Like a pun on Roger that.

Yeah. Roger. Was it his surname, Roger? Or Roger that. Like a pun on Roger that. Yeah, exactly. Was it his surname, Roger? Yeah. I thought he had pretentious parents, sort of North London parents. He's called Martin Roger. I think he's called. He was.

Martin Roger. Oh, man. People don't even buy the thesaurus sales of hard copy thesauruses, that must have dropped like a stone. There's got to be an app for that now. That must have dropped like a stone or a lead weight. Yes.

Or a brick. Anchor. All right, Roge. Is that what he was like at school? Miss, can I go to the toilet? You mean the cubicle, the WC. Rosie! Shut up about it.

I imagine he's French. No, but really, I thought somebody built a vanouette. Yeah. Do you want a punch in the face? You mean the visage. Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just before we continue I'd like to read a text from 376

and I see this is something of a civic duty we were talking about when you've forgotten a pound for your shopping trolley moments ago and someone said that they could use that door key blows my mind 376 has said my personalised coin got stuck in a trolley so an that they could use their door key. Yeah. Blows my mind.

376 has said, my personalised coin got stuck in a trolley, so an assistant gave me the corned beef tin key, which works just as well. Wow. Like I say, I see this show as civic duty sometimes. Can I ask you, do they still have those tins with the key? That's still a thing. It's still a thing. Wow. Do they still have those tins with the key and the on-rack?

That's still a thing. It's still a thing. Wow. That seems like something from my actual life. I eat corned beef reasonably. I eat corned beef, but I get it in a plastic thing. Here's a question. Why Spam and, I believe, corned beef? Why did they stick to the slightly hexagonal design?

No other product comes like that. Normally it's round. That's a good point. And also, sometimes the tin can really throw you off what the actual shape of the creature is. Like a lot of people don't realise... Creature! Like a lot of people don't realise that tuna are massive

because tin tunas live. Yeah, I wouldn't imagine getting a tin that's in the shape of a tuna. That'd be so impractical. I would love that. I think everything should be in the shape of what the creature was. That's a good idea. I mean, beef, corned beef with a big can.

Yeah, it'd be very... I just buy beef and then I corn it myself. Do you? Yeah. How does that go? Slowly? Don't know yet. Really slowly.

I'll tell you what would require a lot of work. The crab. The crab paste. Oh, yeah. Oh, the detail on those claws. Oh, yeah. That would be hard to make. That would be like buying a tin form.

No, that would be too much. Also, I'm not sure tin openers would manage around those sharp pointy bits. It'd take too long, Al. You'd need to get one of those fairground things. I do want to like about... I haven't bought tinned cornbread for a while, but what I like about it is they don't like a sharp corner, do they? They round off the corners. Very much like a modern motor vehicle, if you like.

Yeah. I don't know if it's a safety thing, but it's very... You feel like you could... If you could roll it down a slope... Quite ergonomic, you're right. Yeah. I don't know what ergonomic means, but I'm going with it. Well, let's go with it.

Well, it was working for me, can I say, Al? Yeah. Yeah, don't get me wrong. I'm caustic about it. So I've had a bit of a... Frank, please, I'm going to really struggle. As a dear friend of yours, I'm really going to struggle quite a bit with Coolston.

Coolston's working. Give it a chance. I know, but he's going to say it in front of someone quite cool like a musician. He's going to think, oh, I know. I'll throw in, who will we be talking to? You'll meet someone. Someone cool, like Noel Fielding or something.

He'll go, oh, yeah, Coolsdon. Oh, no, I'm thinking he'll say it in front of Jay-Z or something. Oh, yeah. And the next thing you know, it'll be in a trap. Feeling Coolsdon, wake up tonight, gonna go down. Exactly, it's going to be like that. And everyone will be talking about it. And, of course, my part of it will be forgotten.

Everyone will think, oh, that's that thing that Jay-Z came up with. Yeah. Alan. Alan. I've had a busy week for the first time in, like, six, seven months. Do you mean work busy? Yeah. I've been doing this job once a week since we've been back,

and then it's just been,'s it it's a hard time for the comedy community very hard times a lot of people saying the comedy industry has been forgotten but i've suddenly had stuff to do i did a zoom gig on wednesday i did a zoom bbc thing on thursday i've got this and i've got a live gig tonight I've started wearing clothes again that is a moment not just boxer shorts I mean the whole lot no

started putting it all back on obviously the coronavirus is essentially a negative thing that's happened but I've saved a fortune on contact lenses because I just

couldn't be bothered to put them in I've just worn my spectacles and now I've got a backlog and I find myself thinking not bad Because I just couldn't be bothered to put them in. I've just worn my spectacles. And now I've got a backlog. I find myself thinking, well, not bad. Not bad. Usually I've had to, you know, top them up again.

But here they are, three boxes. Lovely. Three boxes. Which eye do you think I favour? Is it all right? No, no, forget it. Don't text in on that. That would be awful.

Well, I'm excited to hear more about this. Work? We never talk about work anymore. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 224 has said, Frank, I'd be prepared to kill any amount of seagulls for even mildly reasonable teeth. I'd use a machine gun.

What? That's what they're saying. I suppose if you're going to... Maybe they live by the seaside and hate seagulls. Now you're just getting nasty. If you're shooting them in flight, at least you're not going to hit anyone else. Well, they could then hit...

It could be like a trick shot in snooker. Yeah. Yeah. Cannon. Yeah. Seagull cannon. Yeah. I like a trick shot in snooker. Yeah, cannon. Seagull cannon. I like a clean kill, you know. Let's keep the party polite. Seagull cannon, I've decided,

is going to be the main character in my next short story. Oh, good. So we're discussing me... Oh, go on, what were you going to say? No, just briefly. A message. If Steve Burgess could just interject, just in relation to adding to frank's empowerment theme reopening the window on the bus i feel empowered stopping on amber and actually setting off on green you feel the hatred coming through the rear window

yeah lovely what about that yeah that is a thing Steve Burgess that's a thing to do don't be an Amber Gambler is that the that's so you yeah don't be an Amber Gambler that's what they used to say oh I see you

I'd forgotten about that that's Pete Cowan that moment thank you so I've been that'd be a great thing wouldn't it to say

to I don't know, somebody like Katie Price, if you're in Las Vegas, because of their crazy skin colouring. Come on, don't be an amber gambler. I just do. A bit further on and you'll get teak. I did that Let's Dance for Comic Relief thing as a judge,

and she was there looking incredibly orange. I've always really liked Katie Price, and I said, have you been on your holidays? She said, no, no. I thought I really enjoyed it as a question. Anyway. So, in lockdown, as I think I aired on the show, I've probably been commander maybe 97, 98% of the time.

You're joking. Oh, I would say at least and uh and then occasionally occasionally i'll box a short up for um for you know i don't know a food shop or something like that for some reason i felt the need to wear underwear no i think that's right in a food shop but i've now realized that i've spent probably about that like 98 percent of the time in shorts or tracksuit bottoms around the house and it feels a bit insincere to start wearing jeans to things when it's clearly not the real me but I still have been wearing denim to come to this show so I did a Radio 4 thing from my home

on Zoom in tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie which is very dressed down for me i just what was it about hip-hop that's the news quiz oh oh okay it's really jarring actually to wear a tracky i mean i wouldn't do that for a live gig what's have i is this either more sincere or less professional i think that's what we have to put on each side of the seesaw. Well, I've got a sort of dilemma because I think I'm doing my first... On Monday, I'm doing my first thing when I'm actually on camera for a while. Right.

And it's not like a major thing, but it's the first time my lockdown haircut, which is a bit... I know, it's a bit like aubrey beardsley on a on a desert island look so i've just been shaving the references really wide appeal sorry sorry um it's just i've gone back to a center part in accidentally because if you let your hair grow longer centre part in actually has to happen otherwise you'll just be Don King and just keep going upwards

I mean you could put some product in for the day Yeah I could but what do you I mean you guys haven't mentioned it My voice is getting higher as I'm suggesting it I noticed Sometimes there's a bit of muttering when I come in the room that stops

suddenly. You're in the word cad file really quietly. Yeah, and also and I know people hate you when you say this, but my cleaner she walks into the room and just bursts out laughing. I said, what are you laughing at?

She said, I've just never seen hair like that. This is my cleaner. So I have really gone through, and when I took my kid back to school, a lot of the parents just didn't recognise me. You know I hate

that more than anything. It feels like a, I mean I, if we're going to be honest here, I know you're a fan of Frank, I thought it was a conscious decision towards a sort of Sean Ryder Happy Mondays look. Okay.

Is that not the case? I haven't gelled it or anything. It's like I've gone a bit Neil Gaiman. Maybe I'll put a picture up and get it out of my system. But I think the time has maybe come. I just haven't braved the barbers, you know. I looked in the mirror the other day and I thought, oh, it's like if the small faces was to go back on to a now.

It'd be called the old faces. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Boys, I would like to talk to you about something rather extraordinary that's emerged this week. Have you seen the letters? The letters that have come to light

in this new book revealing the romance between KJ and Donald. DJT. Donald J. Trump. Yeah, they're very good now. DJT and KJ. Is he a... What's the J for in...

Kim Jong? No, in Trump. Oh, Donald... Let's guess that, I'm sure. I knew... Funnily enough, I knew Kim Jong-un's middle name. I think I've heard that before somewhere. It's Eun, his first name.

No, Donald... Oh, it's got to be... If we get... When he gets letters from the West... KJ. Yeah. Do they say KJ Un? Mr KJ Un?

Because if there's a local Cajun restaurant, you can imagine there being confusion there and them getting a lot of his mail. I've not seen much about the North Korean Cajun restaurant scene. But if you have got a Cajun... Another country advisor. Imagine you're at the Cajun restaurant, there's a knock on the living quarters door

and Kim Jong-un is saying, have you had an Amazon package come in for Cajun? Luckily, Kim Jong-un is very laid back about things like that, so I can't imagine there'd be an issue. They're being called love letters, aren't they? They're being called love letters, these, between the two of them.

Well, I mean, have you seen them? There are 27 of them. They were rather brilliantly, it was Bob Woodward who uncovered them. Hypocrite. Yes, it was Bob Woodward who uncovered them. Hypocrite. Yes. Well, Bob Woodward was the guy who exposed the fact that Nixon was wiretapping

and sending people into the Democratic headquarters to photograph documents. But these are private letters that Bob Woodward has based a book on. Yes. I mean, physician heal thyself, I would letters that Bob Woodward has based a book on. Yes. I mean physician heal thyself I would say to Bob Woodward. I believe It's got to hear it Frank. It's emerged that. Not enough people in the media stick up for Donald J Trump. I wouldn't say I was exactly sticking up for Donald

J. DJT it's emerged did have several conversations with Bob which I think he might be trying to deny now with the letters. It's all got to be orcs. But did you see this? Before we get to the letters, he had said... Just one moment.

It's got to be the same moment. Go on, carry on. There were quite a few where he said, apparently during a phone call, Donald J. Trump, which I'm not going to call him that all the time, Donald J. Trump was heard saying to Melania, honey, I'm talking to Bob Woodward. And I love the idea of her going, oh, my God! Yeah, saying who? Was he an equaliser?

No, not that one. Not the one married to the one in the life of birth. And he also said he wanted to do the book, but he wanted to read the book out of curiosity and to see if he could write good. Oh, OK. Now, look, one of the things I read that was quoted from the conversation

between the writer and Donald J. Trump was that the writer said, I've obtained these letters. They were written by Cajun to you. And Donald Trump said, well, look, don't get mocking Kim. And he said, this is the quote. He said, I don't want to end up in a nuclear war because you mocked Kim. Well, that made me feel a lot safer about the world. Wow!

So Kim said, and then just presses the button. But the fact the President of America is thinking that that's a possibility. You mock Kim and the next thing you know, you're a shadow on a brick wall. We've had a correction come in from 879. Yes, I was reaching for my, I can't find my jingles anymore. Come on. Can you sing it maybe? We've all had nights like this. Okay. Correction. Yes, I was reaching for my... I can't find my jingles anymore. Come on.

Can you sing it, maybe? We've all had nights like this. OK. Correzioni, correzioni, ole, ole, ole. Morning, Frank, the Divine Miss M and Alan. Just a little correction, if I may. Edward Woodward's wife is Michelle Dutrice. Is it Dutrice? Yes, that's correct. Betty. Yes. Who wasn't in The Liverbirds. if I may. Edward Woodward's wife is Michelle Dutrice. Is it Dutrice? That's how we pronounce it.

Yes, that's correct. Betty. Yes. Who wasn't in The Liverbirds. You're so right. She was indeed Betty Spencer, Frank Spencer's long-suffering wife from Some Mothers Do Have Them.

Yeah. And then there's some praise that I won't read. That's from Angie. What, for Some Mothers Do Have Them? No, for us. Angie, can I say, very well corrected.

That's exactly the kind of coaxione I like to receive. And I think, which detrice was she, Michelle? And I apologise. Yes. You apologise? Well, I do. Wow. I mean, because that's the sort of thing I'm very hot on.

Frank will understand. No, no. I mean, that was a good correction. Thank you for that. Well played. Thank you, Angie. Emily would like to see. She's sorry she did a whoopsie.

On the carpet. Spencer, will you just leave? Frank, that would have been a great part for you. The angry bank manager and Frank Spencer. Steve Coogan used to go on about how they got rep actors in. Going, Mr. Spencer! Really over, absolutely playing it up.

Senior returnees. Which Detrice was it? Michelle. Michelle and the father was Roy Detrice, was it? Yes, but wasn't the sister the girl in Mary Poppins? Oh, now. This is like IMDB has come to life.

Can we just... We do too. Just to draw... IMDB. I look it up and it's always just a mess. It's difficult to work with. Oh, I'm really glad to hear you have a weird hatred for stuff. When you say work with, what sort of work are you doing with it?

You know, just to find stuff out. It's one of the worst websites. I hate pop-up shops. Do you? Yeah. What are you here, 8, 12, 15? No, no, that's too negative. I know what you mean about IMDB, Frank.

Well, if I want to know who's in a film or whatever, I just, I avoid that one. I tell you what I get a feeling. You know there are websites where if you've paid, you get a much better version of it. I really feel like I'm getting the tradesman's entrance to IMDB. And also, I can never remember the order of the letters IDMB. Hate it.

Hate it. I'll be glad when I was hoping that the coronavirus thing, that might be one of the

companies it took down. But of course it was an online thing. But what an awful organisation that is.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Crisp Mouth. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I apologise to you all. OK.

I just... Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'll read you a text message that we've had from 523.

IMDB is owned by Amazon, so it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon, Frank. However, as a UI, brackets, user interface designer, I have to agree with Frank. Horrible website to navigate. Thank you. that's from a professional mash in valencia another late review i feel but well i'm guessing as i say that it's not the main it's it's if you paid it probably got better yeah it's gonna you know what i suspect might be the case in app purchases oh yeah i think there might be a bit of that going on.

And 166 has texted somewhat overstating it I think. Amazing fact Michelle Datrice is from Cleethorpes. Dave in deepest darkest Cumbria I'm not sure. None of you look amazed.

I like Cleethorpes. There used to be a thing hanging up there, which was like, you know, seasides always used to have lights hanging up with things on. But it was a crescent moon with a couple of 50s sweethearts sitting on it. It's really beautiful. I'd love to know if it's still there, actually. Frank, we've had some tweets in as well, just to let you know what the Twitter community are saying.

The Twitterati. Aerie. Twitterdom. Says... Twitsville. All right, Dad. Aerie. Twitter City, USA.

Oh. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, Colston. Let's hear it. Oh, man. What are they saying on there? On Twitsville, Tennessee. Yeah, exactly.

Erie. Sometimes I remember Colston. I forget and then I remember. Airy has been in touch to say, you can just Google a film and get the info. No-one uses IMDb anymore. Well, good news. Good point.

Yeah, but all right. All right. So he'd come out and then he leaves the room and everybody goes, God, what's wrong with him? I'm not sure how we got to IMDb and Frank Spencer from Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un's love letters. But can I just quickly... That's the joy of this show. Can I quickly share with you...

I mean, let me know if you think it's alright to say this to Frank but there have been a lot of comments re your hair Frank. Yes I put my Aubrey Beardsley up on social media We've all done it love. My hair has

I've just let it grow since since coronavirus started in this country. Haven't you been shaving it yourself on the sides? My son clips the sides, but he hasn't touched the top, so the top now has lapsed into a beard. You've really misheard lyrics on that Frozen song. Nell says,

Salons have been open for some time now, and you know what's hurtful about that? It's the little ellipsis, little dot, dot, dot there. What's not been said in that? We've also had some comparisons. Similar style to Sally off Corrie. Are you familiar with her work? I haven't worked Corrie for a long

time I think she was on it a long time ago oh is it Sally Lindsay oh that one oh I always thought she was just quite a beautiful yeah David Lynch can you still say that

he's got a nerve talking about hair yeah I thought my hair had gone that? David Lynch. He's got a nerve talking about hair. I think they might be comparing me. Yeah? I thought my hair had gone a bit David Lynch when I cut the sides of mine. They call a clown, they call the sound man. David Lynch says,

I didn't know New Romantic was back in, Frank. Oh, it is David. I thought it was somebody comparing it to David Lynch. Mr Guinness, how is Annie Lennox? Average says Ellen, question mark. Ellen as in DeGeneres? Yes. Oh, I always thought she was beautiful as well.

Not on the inside, sounds like. And then finally, Neil M., a bit Julian Assange. He's got a cheek after the hair he had in Man Behaving Badly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. he's got a cheek after the hair he had in Man Behaving Badly so we're talking about KJ and DJT people have who've been exchanging Kim Jong-un and Donald J. Trump for anybody that's just joining they've been exchanging...

There's no easy way to say this. They're love letters, essentially. I mean, some of the extracts... I did wonder if there was doodles on, like, on proper love letters. You know, people doodle a love heart and then maybe Kim Jong-un just sends back, like, a missile that just doodled in the margin. Or a compilation tape.

A mixtape, A lovely mixtape. Oh, that'd be great. I'll tell you what they used to do as well. A boy I dated briefly, and he was at boarding school. Another one of my relatable anecdotes. Okay, I appreciate that. Doesn't sound great. But he would send me letters from rugby, I think it was,

and he would spray it with Kuros aftershave. Oh, that's nice. I could have done without that pause. That has made me chest tighten. Okay. Yeah, well, that's a lovely story.

I mean, I think it was Kuros. So, honestly, these letters, in case you haven't seen them. So, Kim Jong-un says things, I remember when I held your hand in Saigon. Yeah. And if I could feel the specialness of the moment. I mean, it's really, I think it's probably about,

I remember during the Gulf War, obviously it was a terrible thing, but there was some fabulous vocabulary from the opposite side. And they talk in a very poetic way, I think, in Arabic countries. And I wonder if the Koreans, if this over-effusiveness is part of the, you know. I know he killed his uncle with a firing squad that included anti-aircraft weapons. I know, that wasn't a good day. No, but I don't want to mock him, of course.

Apparently Trump claims that he told him about that. Yeah, told him in detail. What he actually said, Frank, the thing that I was struck by, he said, I cannot forget that moment of history when I firmly held your excellency's hand at that beautiful and sacred location as the whole world watched with great interest wow I think we'll be the judge of that KJ and hope to relive the honor of that day what I was struck by is the use of your excellency I understand that KJ might like to be referred to in that way. It's not something we often do. I mean, the only people I've ever heard addressing people with that term is,

well, it's your lot, Frank, it's the Catholics. What, the Excellency? Well, I've heard it with regards to the Pope, and I've heard sort of Doctor Who villains. So here's your intergalactic warlords, Excellency. It's also got a bit of Ferrero Rocher about it, hasn't it? Yeah,

it's, also I can't help thinking of the very tiny hands of Donald Trump, that he was holding, like a tiny, like the big hands on the little hand, like a tiny, tiny Trump hand. I've often thought, you know when you drop

something and it goes under the seat of the car, I've often thought I wish Donald Trump was in here and he'd have this out in a jiffy. That would be good. Do you know, Donald's pinky would be very useful for the lint in my laptop. Oh, that's a good, yeah. Well, you remember that kid who got a Lego figure hand stuck up his nose? I think that could happen to Melania. I'll clean that up a bit. Breakfast radio version. He also said, I mean, I have to say,

I thought KJ was coming, Girlfriend's Thirsty. Yes. I mean, play it a bit cool. Play it a bit Coolston. Oh, no. Just a Coolston boy. Yeah, what's wrong? A real Coolston.

Oh, I feel sick. Paraphrase a bit of West Side Story for you all. No, yeah, he's a bit too much, isn't he? He says at one point, he says, every minute we shared 103 days ago in Hanoi was a moment of glory that remains a precious memory. I mean, when you're counting down the days like that, it's lunacy.

It's lunacy at that point. I worry about him. He's leaving himself very vulnerable. But to be fair to Donald J. Trump, he didn't reply saying anything like, look mate, I'm just not that into you. He played the game back. Yeah, he said I remember the swish

of your slightly short baggy trousers as we walked across the... I can still hear that. The circumference of KJ's trousers. That's what they have in common, Frank. Is that right? Yeah, the boot cut, wide-legged trowel. Oh, of course, yeah.

Very important to have a bonding moment for them. I thought there was a certain amount of beauty in the whole thing. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. I mean, sorry, I'm just... OK, OK, these are some of the haircut reviews. Oh, OK. Well, non-haircut.

Someone said, when a Cardo substitute your Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran with a Michael Fabricant. Who is that? He's the Tory MP. Oh, I know, yes. The one who doesn't wear a wig. Well, it's worrying that I had to say he's the Tory MP. Oh, I know, yes. The one who doesn't wear a wig. Well, it's worrying that I had to say,

he's the Tory MP and you went, I know, as soon as the hair reference. Yeah, it's gone a bit blonde as well. It looks like a sunnined, and I don't know how that's happened. You know, I think you're being very hard on yourself. I think you can carry it off because you have a very youthful skin. Yeah. Maybe just some product in the hair.

Is that what you're thinking, Emily? I'm thinking a bit more than that, yeah. There's a few bits of it. But you know what? You're right, Al. I mean, your hair's looking great, Al. Okay, thank you. I don't like it, but it's nice that you do.

Mine has become like a staring contest now. but it's nice that you do. Mine has become, it's become like a staring contest now. How long can I go without getting it properly done professionally and just leaving it? Do you want me to book someone to come? Oh no, I'd hate that.

Okay. Hate the cost. It would be, yeah, it would be Guy, and who's the Guy? Tony. Tony and Guy, yeah, they'd turn up.

Can we return to the Donald Trump letters there's a thing in there I'd have thought a hair might have given you a bit of a segue there's a bit in there that I've got a real appetite for not politically he's got a real appetite for everything KJ

as we know I'm increasingly drawn to just contrarians. They're so much more fun than everybody else. But get this for contrarian. Donald Trump on Barack Obama, he's highly overrated. Overrated? And then he said, I don't think he's a great speaker, which is what everybody says about Obama.

He's a great speaker. He's a great public orator. I mean, that is contrarianism that I haven't seen since Frank disliked Hamilton. But that was from the heart. Well, so is Donald Trump, I think. I think, yeah. On that one. I think that, I see that Trump is, he's the sort of Greg Proops improvising type guy,

whereas I think Obama is working with written, crafted material. That's the difference. It's not as good. And obviously it's going to be a bit of shortfall, but when the improviser gets gold they really get yeah they get gold that's true but it takes courage I remember a review

of when I used to do a thing called On Plan with David Baddiel which was an improvised show yes I remember and the reviewer said I like the jokes

but I also quite enjoy that moment in between the trapeze oh yes yeah are they going to get so there's a bit of that in a Trump speech also quite enjoy that moment in between the trapeze. Oh, yes. Yeah. Are they going to get... So there's a bit of that in a Trump speech, which you don't really get with Barrack.

Did you notice Kim Jong-un's sign-off when he has finished the letter? Watch your blinds. No, before that, it says at the bottom... Is that what he said? I bet he did. Well, you are. Thank you, driver.

He says, back to, driver. He says, back to Calden. He says... Yours in sport. He says, Chairman, State Affairs Commission, Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

And fair play to him for not putting sarcastic quotes around democratic there. Yeah, but he's earned those titles fair and square. How dare you? He is fair and square. Those trout, voluminous palazzo patterns.

Sorry, I'm getting the fares pressure. But I wrote down a thing that was in the Daily Mail, because there was a couple of things that Kim said, and this is how they said it. It said, blah, blah there was a couple of things that Kim said, and this is how they said it. It said, blah, blah, blah.

I think about holding your hand. It said, the despot wrote to Trump. And then it was a fabulous blah, blah, blah, Daily Mail, according to the dictator. I thought, oh, it's one of those things, you know. You do one bad thing and people just go on and on about it. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

We were talking about the letters between Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un. The whole world will certainly once again come to see, not so far in the future, another historic meeting between myself and Your Excellency reminiscent of a scene from a fantasy film. Is this you talking to Frank or is this you reading a letter? Well, the sentiment remains, but I mean, fantasy films? Is there any pictures of the actual letters?

I'm guessing that Kim Jong-un writes on pale blue basalt and bond lined writing paper with a fountain pen. And what I'd love most of all is to see the envelope and he's got one of those Pa Avi on stickers on it. I think, sadly, I think the truth is that Woodward dictated them, didn't he? I think he was reading them and said them into a record. So he doesn't have the... I think, I might be wrong, Woodward.

What about when, I appreciate this isn't the worst deed of KJ's, but what about when he said he learnt to drive when he was three? Did he say that? Yeah, he tells strange lies. Well, he might have done. If he wanted to drive when he was three. Yes, I can't imagine anyone saying no, Kim. Oh, man, imagine someone goes into the back of your car

and you get out, right, what kind of a... And there's little Kim, as it were. Little Kim. Do you think he's... I wonder if he had... I like the idea of him wearing those small suits because, as we've said, he does favour the... I mean, it's not just a wide inside leg,

the circumference of the hem. You could get a sort of 18-wheeler truck in there. Yeah. And Donald does favour the bootcut himself. They've both eschewed the tapered seam. Hmm. Although you put on your Twitter, I noticed, a picture of him in Cindy boots.

Yes, Donald likes this. What is it? I'll tell you the whole, the general overview of this, though. It's a thing that I've spoken to my partner about many times. They met and obviously they, you know, officially got on very well. They clicked, yeah, they clicked. And the amount of times I've been out with Kat to a friend's house, we've had a nice night and we leave and Kat said, look, it was a really brilliant night. Thank you so much. I've had such a great time.

leave and Kat said, look, it was a really brilliant night. Thank you so much. I've had such a great time. And then I get in the car and I'm driving and she sends a text saying that was brilliant. It was a really great night. I had a great time. And she texts it and I say, well, you just said that to him before you

left. And she says, oh! Can I say... This is what's happened here, isn't it? They've said all that stuff and then they've put it right... But I've got to be honest, those texts that Kath sent, I remember those, and it is a very charming, well-mannered thing to do, Frank. I love getting those texts.

She's already said it. Yes, but it's lovely. It's very thoughtful. It's a thoughtful follow-up. Did you at any point say to her when she said, I've had a great evening, do you ever say, well, that's all very well, but I wouldn't mind getting that in writing? No.

Exactly. But I think what Emily's saying is that Donald J. Trump and Kim Jong-un are thoughtful. Well, they're famed for it. Yeah, they're known for it. Of course. Yeah. But imagine sitting around talking about the uncle execution.

I mean, it's awful. What kind of a... I'd have changed the subject, wouldn't you? Yeah, I don't know about that, Kim, for goodness sake. What say we nip to that cage down the road? What about when Kim said he hopes that everyone's dream will become a beautiful reality? It's like one of those Instagram boards putting up pictures of clouds.

That troubles me because you want to know who's in the room before you say everyone's dream could become a reality. It's like one of those Instagram boards putting up pictures of clouds. That troubles me because you want to know who's in the room before you say everyone's dream could become a reality. Some people have pretty weird dreams where they're playing ping pong with their ex-headmaster or something. I don't want that to be reality. Naked on the toilet on a bus.

I don't want that to come true. I'm hoping I got it back ten years before that happened. I have an announcement I'd like to make. Kim Jong-un and I, no. Fingers crossed. Thursday was a very special day for our boy Al. Do you know why?

What? His book was out. Oh! The Frank Skinner... The book's on there. How to Enjoy Poetry. Can you believe it? I had pre-ordered it on my Kindle.

Oh, God bless you, Gabner. It came straight in. Oh, I read it. I devoured it. I ate it up. Oh, I read it. I devoured it. I ate it up.

And I can honestly say it is absolutely... Do you want to do a drumroll, Al? I feel too stiff with stress, actually, but yeah. Phenomenal. Oh, God. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. That was intense, though. Oh, I could still see the penalty shootout against Germany there for a second.

And do you know, I know my way around a poem or two. It taught me things about poetry I didn't get from university. I didn't even get from my dad. So, Frank, I want to thank you. It's absolutely brilliant. I'm very proud of you. Oh, I don't know what to say. Well, thanks would be nice.

Thank you. Very kind. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. That moment of feedback reminded me of drama school when we had a director that used to say, you do that terribly well. Wow. Could you just say, do it well? Awful.

It's so painful, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, not to me, to other people. No, obviously. Oh, come on. Lovely cover, dear. I didn't do the cover. Yeah, but people like it. Do they, the cover, dear. I didn't do the cover. Yeah, but people like it. Do they, the cover?

Yeah. I've always found, and I know this is a bit of an off, you know, left field thing. I don't think you can actually judge a book. Oh, but you can. They do, though. Yeah, you can. The Folio Society, they do all those really beautiful books.

Yeah. You can do it there. Yeah. So I was going to bring it in for you to sign, but unfortunately... So-co! It's where the trade go. How can you sign it on a Kindle book?

Well, that's the problem. Oh. Yeah. A Sharpie. Yeah. Just think I'll be signing your whole book collection in one go. Just why don't you write in a Pat Sharpie

across my laptop screen? Pat Sharpie. my laptop screen? Pat Sharpie. There we go. Anyway, thank you for your loyalty. Respect. That was very good. I always think if you tune into this show late, you must think, what are they laughing at?

The stitchbacks to back references to... It's like a fabulously worked tapestry. You reckon? Yeah. And you know what, Frank? Not everything. Claire Osborne. In fact, three.

Sorry. One of our readers, Claire Osborne, I think has given one of the loveliest reviews of your hair, which is, perfection is overrated. I think, has given one of the loveliest reviews of your hair, which is, perfection is overrated. I think that's true. I am like the Islamic

rug maker. I leave my hair looking like this to prove that only God is perfect. Certainly quite a carpet you've got up there. Now, look here. You give with one hand. Oh, yeah. Take away with the other.

It's what they're like, isn't it? Eh? It's what they're like. Keeping a dignified silence on that one. It's where the trade go. I'll leave you gentlemen to talk about me whilst I go to the open. We might be billiards and cigars.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, I remember having a cigar at Jonathan Ross's house and being sick in his toilet. Did you? How do people do it? Does Donald J. Trump like a cigar? I don't know. I'd be amazed if he didn't.

I imagine he's quite terrible people. Maybe. He wouldn't like smoking at Mar-a-Lago. At what? Mar-a-Lago. That's his... You look genuinely horrified. I don't know what that was.

That's his Miami hotel compound. I thought it was a Bond villain. So, what was he called? Emil Largo, was he called? Oh, yes. You're absolutely right, yeah. Anyway, we can sit here all day talking about Bondville villains, but life goes on.

Thank you so much for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.