The Frank Skinner Show - Cupid’s Bow

Episode Date: May 9, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. As the UK is still in lock down the team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! Frank has had some debates about song lyrics and has rediscovered a saying that he loves. The team also discuss Kim Jong-un’s suspected body double, the potential unlocking of the UK and Frank’s haircut.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're not live. I'm sorry, we're not. So don't text the show. You'll be throwing your money away. But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or you can email us via the Absolute Radio website. So all is not lost. Good morning, Emily and Alan. Morning.

Good morning. How goes it? Okay, sorry. I just don't think you've ever greeted us by saying, how goes it, before. It sounded a bit prisoner-like, but I liked it. Fair enough. I've started. I've just started talking so i'll tell you what i've started saying slightly ironically but um i just i heard it in a film recently and i thought oh yeah god i used to love it when people said that so i've

started saying well i've heard of blah blah blah but this is ridiculous. Oh, nice. Oh, I've really warmed to that. Oh, that sounds good fun. I've heard of viruses, but this is ridiculous. It's catching on. Yeah. Well, it's catching on with me. Exactly. My mother-in-law, as I like to call her,

sent us a video of friends of the show. They still call videos if they're on smartphones. Yeah, I think that. What do you think, Al? They're still called videos, yeah. Yeah. So she sent me a video filmed on VE Day, which was, not VE Day, the 75th anniversary. She didn't send me a video for VE Day

I was going to say Extraordinary Only a doctor on the camcorder Exactly and it's the red arrows flying over a house making a

75 in the sky because it was the 75th anniversary of VE Day yesterday. And I was looking at them and I got to be, look, I don't want to grass up the red arrows, but I don't think they were flying any further apart than they usually do. So I think the red arrows are not observing social distance.

Oh, I see. Irresponsible red arrows. I thought they might have loosened their formation a tad. But maybe they were worried that it would look like seven and five. A bit like when you tell a child off for a finger space that's too big when they're learning to write. Yeah, and also the seven and the five would just look loose. In the end, it would just look like someone going out for their hour exercise. I don't know if the red arrows...

Do red arrows justify that? I think so, yeah. Practice, isn't it? So she had them over her gaff. I've never seen the Red Arrows IRL, only on footage. Well, I mean, one of my favourite ever textings on this show was, have you ever been surprised by the Red Arrows? And a few people said, oh, yeah, I was driving to a cricket match and suddenly over they went.

I think they only release smoke over key areas, whether it's at an air show or something. That was like my parents when we were growing up, only in the bedroom they would smoke over us. And they don't loosen up, strangely, they don't loosen up in between venues. They keep that formation. Is that right? The whole way there? Maybe it's dangerous to slip in and out of it, they don't loosen up in between venues. They keep that formation. Is that right?

The whole way there? Maybe it's dangerous to slip in and out of it. I don't know. Maybe. And as we know, they've got a lot of celebrity fans, Frank, the Red Arrows, haven't they? Oh, God. Coleshaw.

I mean, it could be argued this show very rarely shuts up about them. Are they friends at the show, Al? I don't know why they seem so apt for ve day because presumably there was there wasn't an equivalent then maybe there was was that who were the great um who was the big air show booking in the 1940s uh let us know about that i really i'd like to know there must have been people who did a bit of stuff. You know, you see those pictures of women standing on wings in their bathing costumes. That kind of thing.

That'll be good for Absolute Forties, Frank. I think Absolute Forties has already gone now. It was a one-day event, wasn't it? Oh, was it? Yeah, I think so. I mean, we celebrated VE Day. We not only had lockdown, we had blackout last night. Did you?

Yeah, and we had powdered egg for three meals. I thought it was fine. You ever tried powdered egg? I haven't. What else could you have for it? It's probably exactly what you'd expect it to be. I like some 40s behaviour. Was there sort of low-level sexism as well?

Well, what there should have been is the whole country up from about age five should have agreed to smoke for one day because any footage of the 40s or 50s is everybody, children, pets, everybody smokes. It's the most, oh, man, it's the most. Other than Blackpool, I don't think there's anywhere in the world where they smoke at that level now. But in Blackpool, everybody smokes.

People are sunbathing and smoking. You can see people have got a small sort of a tan line where the sun has moved around and the shadow of their cigarette has moved across their face. We're going to get so many emails. Play some music please immediately. Like some fabulous sundial. No, I love Blackpool. It's in many ways my

spiritual home. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So it looks like we might be on the verge of unlocking at least some of the bolts. Maybe the top bolt on lockdown. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doubtful.

What? Is it just... Go on. I'm doubtful what is it go on I think it might be the very top bolt might be getting slightly sprayed with WD-40 but then not even wiggled I think that's probably well it's not the full Usain isn't going to come down

no well I hope you're right I get I've been watching these sort of you know the media briefings that they do on I love the media briefings that they do on the tea time? I love the media briefings. Oh, God. You know what? I used to watch every one and now I might watch one a week.

It's a bit like Britain's Got Talent. You know, I started off thinking really loving it and then I don't know what happened. Anyway, I felt there's been like about five weeks of media questions saying, when is the lockdown going to end? What will be the nature of the ending? And somehow the media seem to have set themselves up as our great champions to free us from the lockdown.

Sort of, you know, don't worry, people. We'll get you back out there. And I'm thinking, no, you're all right. I'm fine. No, I don't want to you back out there and i'm thinking no you're no you're all right i'm fine no i don't want to go back out um so i think i'm i'm uh i'm already organizing a second spike party if uh if you want to come and uh join me it's gonna be hard for those isn't it well i think it's going to be hard for those um sort of early um adopters of the more of the of the free policy do you know what i mean as you head out there i think there'll still be some judgment you think i just don't want to go too early that's what i mean

oh i think it's already happening yeah Yeah. Mostly from premiership footballers, it seems, if you look at the papers. Party central round of theirs. They don't seem to think the rules apply to them. I wonder what that's about. Yes, it's almost that theory about them being, you know, sort of too big for their boots might have some basis. And they're talking about, aren't they,

the Premier League playing behind closed did i ever tell you about um the west brom chairman was a bloke called they called uh trev the shed because he'd made his um fortune from selling sheds and he was a nice nickname what it always used to be i mean we've got a chinese billionaire now but in the old days the the west brom chairman was always someone who, he was a rivets millionaire or something like that. It's a real industrial thing. And Trevor shared, we were playing Wolves, our local rivals, which is obviously a massive game and we didn't get a very big ticket allocation. So they had a big screen built at the West Brom ground so that people could go and watch it on the big screen.

And unfortunately, some Wolves fans got in as well. And there was fighting. So there was fighting at the screening. And the chairman was outraged. And he honestly said, unironically, he said, I'm absolutely outraged at what's happened. We tried to do a good turn. We tried to help people.

And now this has happened. He said, if we do any more of these screenings, we'll do them behind closed doors. So I'm thinking the Premier League might be going the same way. Yeah. I honestly feel like people are saying that. In films when no one's fired a bullet for about 20 seconds, so someone looks up over the parapet to see if they're still there. I feel like we're all being asked to do that.

And I'm a bit edgy about it. I'll be completely straight. Keep your head down. That's my plan. You keep your head down. That's my plan. I've got to say, and I think this show has a light-hearted tone, generally speaking, but I shed a slight tear this week. If you can shed a slight tear.

When Florian Schneider has died from the the craft work one of the founding members of craft work i thought of you when i read that frank i sat i sat in my attic and i played europe endless which is a craft work track and just you know those occasions when you know music is often a background thing um i mean, not for the people who listen to Absolute Radio, where real music matters, but it's often going on in the background. And those occasions where you actually sit and you're not doing anything else, you're just listening to a piece of music. I had one of those. It's an amazing thing. The thing

I've been listening to a lot just lately is Live and Let Live. No, Live and Let Die. What's that? Oh, I was going to say. That's a remix. I wasn't familiar with it. I knew it was one of the two. I think Live and Let Live was the original, wasn't it?

Yeah, Live and Let Die was the spin-off series. My son, Baz, who's nearly eight now, he's having what, you know, I told you we watched the Freddie Mercury tribute thing. He got very keen on Axl Rose.

Or Rose, as he called him, which I loved. He just called him Rose, yeah. And so he's been listening to that, and he really likes a Live and Let Die. And, of course, then I had to play the Paul McCartney version, which I think is superior. And we had a bit of a debate. I've had this debate before about the lyrics.

Yeah, go on. No, go on. I only know the Paul McCartney version. Oh, no, there's quite a bit. The Guns N' Roses is quite a bit. Oh, sorry, the Guns N' Roses, oh, sorry, the cover version, yeah. Sorry, I thought there was one before that, yeah. So, I, someone said to me, it's terrible lyrics, isn't it? Because he says, and in this ever-changing world in which we live in.

Yes. And you can't say in this world in which we live in. Yes. And you can't say in this world in which we live in. And I have always defended Paul McCartney because I trust his grammar implicitly, that the actual lyrics, I must say, I've never looked this up. Most people would have just Googled it, but you know I don't like that sort of thing. I think he's saying, and if this ever-changing world

in which we're living. Oh, OK. What do you think? Which is obviously perfectly grammatical. Oh, well, good. You know which side your bread's buttered. Paul McCartney had, at the risk of sounding sycophantic, if we're sort of all in agreement,

however, that A, that doesn't bother me in the slightest, and B, I think he had a sort of casual I'm your mate style, which would lead me to assume he would like that we're living. So I'm going with you, Frank, on that. No, but do you know what I mean? You can't say in this world in which we live in but in which we are living is lovely.

I've had two debates about lyrics. Do you want to hear the other one or should I save it for later in the show? I don't want to lose every listener. But I had a debate about What song is it concerning first? It's Morning Is Broken by Cat Stevens. Oh dear. I mean, Al?

I'm happy to listen to it. Should we take a vote? I was on tour and I sent a text to my tour manager saying I was op. And it was, I sent Morning Is Broken. And he sent back, like the first dawning. And I sent back, no. Oh, God, you didn't. Like the first dawning. And I sent back, no. Oh, God, you didn't. Like the first morning.

Why did you say that so aggressive? No. You don't start the text with no. I would be so upset if I got that. He does. I think if someone's wrong, you don't want to be skirting around the edges of the postcode. You want to go straight to the town hall.

I can't believe it hall the town hall of wrong frank skinner on absolute radio i was i was talking earlier about the uh the lyrics to uh cat stevens morning is broken and the text you sent well one of the things i like about it is that he repeats morning. Morning is broken like the first morning. Yes. And then he said, I must admit, when it first came out, the hottest DJ in Britain, I mean hot as in celebrity, don't worry, don't panic, it's not him, was Tony Blackburn.

And he did The Breakfast show on Radio 1. And I thought that he said, Blackburn has spoken like the first bird. Which is a brilliant line, isn't it? The idea that some cheesy Radio 1 DJ is a bit like the morning chorus. It's like nature waking up and then i'm i've been assured by several people he's saying blackbird has spoken like the first bird which i think is

less good okay sorry cat if you're listening he's not called cat now i know but um well i don't i don't i don't want to encourage a sort of you know misheard lyrics because yours were specific anecdotes but I will just throw my hat into the ring in terms of that irritation you know you feel when someone is just so so off the bat Jonathan Ross was singing the Craig David song where he says re-e-y and I realised he was singing 3-e-y like it was a postcode or something he'd written a song about his postcode

and insisted that was the right lyric I said why would you sing 3-e-y is that is there a song that features a postcode if there is I'd love to know about it. East 17 must have done it at some point.

East 17, yeah, surely. Well, contact us if there's a song that features an actual postcode because I think that would be a brilliant... That's sort of modern poetry. My money's on Ray Davis or East 17. I'm pretty sure Ray Davis didn't. But, you know, I've been wrong before so also on show news

there was an email I'm talking to you readers now an email went round from Emily Dean expressing something or other and it was Alan said oh it's a very fine email. I really enjoyed it. It was a funny, as you can imagine, it was a funny, well-written email. Thank you so much, Frank.

And I intended to say, hear, hear. That was my... And I had a panic attack that I didn't know whether hear, hear is meaning hear that, hear that, H-E-A-R, or whether the agreement is coming from over here. So I said something more bland. I'll tell you exactly what you said. You said, I second that emotion. Well, there you go. That was a reference to the song by, who was that?

Yeah. Temptations? Yes. emotion well there you go that was a reference to the song by war who was that yeah temptations yes if you again i'll read it to me a lifetime of devotion well i think um i'm sorry to nip your little uh song in the book it's just struck me when i sang that speaking of lyrics if you want to give to me a lifetime of devotion no you're all right it does feel like there's some small print pending yeah exactly no i hadn't thought of that actually why why terms and conditions sorry i don't like the use of the word notion in a love song. It doesn't seem a very loving phrase. What? Notion?

He says, if you get that notion. Oh, does he? Yeah, and does too. We've just got to rhyme something. Best rhyme of all time in a song? Go on. You can tell us after this. After this. Best, for my money, best rhyme ever in a song.

Coming up after this. for my for my money best rhyme ever in a song coming up after this frank skimmer absolute radio okay so you need wait no more for news of the greatest rhyme ever news out news news so is it a new song it's actually a news story No it's not Is it slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball? No I don't know that one, what's that from? It's an Oasis lyric that I

particularly like Slowly walking down, doesn't make any sense It does make sense, that's the sheer joy of it It's obviously in there because it rhymes I'll tell you what it better not be Al She's broke but it's obviously in there because it rhymes i'll tell you what it better not be al she's broke but it's oak oh oh yeah oh sit makes me what is that from again oh lady is a tramp okay my she's broke yeah my one is do you know something called um mountain greenery

no no and it sort of goes in that mountain greenery and you think it's going to be scenery it's going to be scenery it's going to go then he says blah blah blah scenery and you think fair enough but then there's a second verse and you think where what is the other rhyme format for um greenery he's already used up scenery and um so i was when i first heard it i was waiting with some anticipation and um he sings beans could get no keenery exception in a beanery wow which is really and a baroque, an absolute baroque song line. I mean, fabulous. So respect to that. Anyone would like to suggest the greatest song lyric of all time?

It's got to be just a short snatch of a song. In Radio Radio by Elvis Costello, it was a bit like when he says, I was seriously thinking about smashing the receiver when the switch broke because it's old. And I thought, oh no, you couldn't do better than that.

Anyway, we'd love to hear them. Whilst you are asking the greater public, I would genuinely like to know whether or not it's meant to be here, here, as in hearing, or here, here, as in over here. You know when they say... If I had to put money...

Go on, Frank. I would go for EI if I had to put money on it. Me too. But I'm not certain. That's interesting. I think I would have gone for RE, to be honest. Oh, would you? As in here, here.

Depends what you're pointing at. Good, we're all different. Okay. Yeah. Well, I mean, I've heard of spelling, but this is ridiculous. You know, he sounds like that one. He says that it's like someone who's just been introduced to the concept of a joke. Yeah, I think we could hear the crowbar

coming out. He's going to be saying it all the time it's going to drive us yeah here here so you can do it on radio that's the joy of radio no spelling of course these are all transcribed by a woman in spectacles somewhere

in Harrow who has to write all these down for legal purposes. And he's sitting now as we speak at one of those. You know those things that the court stenographer uses? Sitting at one of those, writing down every little in-breath. I feel for her. If you're listening, Phyllis, God bless you. Happy V-Day.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. We're not live today, I'm sorry, but you know, circumstances, so don't text the show.

But you can follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or email us via the Absolute Radio website. Maybe, maybe this time next week we'll be back in the studio. Who knows? What do you think? Wow. I'm going to have to pull my hair out. Yeah, that's unlikely, but we'll see. I've been going there.

I'm there now. Imagine if you were. Well, they wouldn't pay. I felt that I should be paid something from broadcasting from my own home, from a rent point of view, an absolute bolt. Home as a studio. It's what they do. Well, they can pay for the laundry basket. Oh, well, I'll tell you what I watched

on Thursday night. Post-applause I went in and watched I'd recorded Lockdown Culture, that thing that Mary Beard does when people talk about cultural matters.

It's going to be my new nickname anyway. You know, it's all people on Zoom, you know. There was like Simon... Simon was on, you know. Yes. No. I like him. Which?

Simon Cowell? No. What, on the culture? Imagine Simon Cowell. He was a Mary Beard imagine Simon Cowell what does Simon Cowell's hair look like Simon Sharma maybe

that's the one he was on and there was various other and they're all on their you know Skypes or whatever they're on

and oh god I've never seen such a battle of the bookcases in all my life I mean you can imagine on a culture show, they were really trying.

Mary Beard actually had her laptop at an angle at one point so you could see the bookcase and you could see a second bookcase at an angle. I got the feeling she'd rearranged the entire place, the show, maximum bookcase. Do you think just before she went live, she was frantically getting rid of the Paul Burrell autobiography

and the Piers Morton? The Andy McNabs. A shelf. A shelf of Andy McNabs. They were all at it. I mean calm down. Anyway, I've forgotten now what we were talking about. I don't know how we got to that, but carry on.

Well, I'd like to share some of our readers' contributions with you, Frank. We've had some feedback about your new haircut, which we showed off on the socials. Oh, yes. Would you like to hear what people have to say? Think about it. Yeah, I mean, bear in mind you're talking about a craft project for a seven year old child before you start slagging

it off. I mean, I just sat back, I handed him the clippers and told him to go for it and express himself. Okay. A bit Alex Ferguson. Go out there and express yourself. Express himself? I was thinking he'd hit Madonna. He did say that

before every game apparently oh I thought he was much more strict apparently Brian Clough would just hold up a football and say you see this, this is your best friend I couldn't imagine him saying that along with want my ball

when I went to Korea you can't be sad if your best friend was a football what a sad life I went to wasn't that what happened in Castaway that film with

was it a basketball or something his best friend Wilson I forgot what I was going to say I bet it was brilliant You were talking about going to a football match I think Don't worry it's circumstances We were talking about Brian Clough

I went to Korea I went to South Korea And we said let's play lookalikes If we see any people who look like Famous celebrities From the West This is rather timely lookalikes in South Korea

Well exactly We came up with all we ever saw was Brian Clough lookalikes. Is that right? South Korea is full of Brian Clough lookalikes. I mean I tell you the only reason

that I can't remember his name now I tell you, the only reason that... I can't remember his name now. I'm anxious because someone got his name wrong the other week. Who's the bloke that played Brian Clough in... Michael Sheen. Michael Sheen. If they'd auditioned in South Korea,

Michael Sheen wouldn't have been in the first hundred. That's all I'm saying. But you're right, there is that. We should talk about that after the... What about when someone told me I look like Nigel Clough? You've gone silent. Good-looking bloke. No, it's a good-looking bloke.

I don't want to be a good-looking bloke. Oh, I've given up on it as well. Join the club. Anyway, what was we talking about? It's all gone very strange. We got to Brian Clough football, who's there. Okay, let's go to a break and then I'll be back. Go out there and express yourself.

We're going to have a break now. What I like about that, it was a ramp. That was actually a ramp, that link, to nowhere. You know that bit in Markham and Wise when they dance at the top of the stairs and then they just fall off because there's nowhere. That was what that link was. So I don't know if we ever got

to what we were going to talk about on that first link. What was it? What was our goal? Oh, my haircut. Yes. was the uh what was our goal oh my hair yes and the um picture you want to kick off our put up on the um on the show instagram i guess um and it it did get quite a lot of feedback um at matthew spelt mat for, a bit like a private registration, actually. Yeah, he echoed a thought that I had straight away, where he said, no towel around the back of the neck, amateurs, and an exclamation mark.

He literally did just hand him the clippers and say go, and he's just, you're there in your T-shirt. There's no, I mean... I'll tell you for why. I thought, you know what? I've been wearing this T-shirt since the beginning of lockdown yeah it's time and I thought I'm going to

change it anyway and I'm going to go and I thought to hell with it I'll have a shower as well while I'm at it so I thought it's not worth it's all I'm doing then is getting another thing with hair on it and that's the towel so it was quite nice to just sit there and just let it happen.

Well, if it should happen again, may I, as a person who has... It's happened again since. As a person who's had several home haircuts over the years, because I've got a history of detesting going to hairdressers where I have to talk to somebody 28 for 30 minutes or whatever. Is that because you're not going anywhere on your holidays? Exactly. I've never got anything to tell them. Frank, it's because of the tip. Come on.

It's not even the tip. It's the fee. Fee! Really, give us a hack. Give us a life hack on home hair. You can actually fashion quite a good sort of homemade hairdressing bib out of a bin bag if you just put a hole in it and pop your head over the top. And I learned this. It's a bit high-slide, Connor.

I learned this because I'd asked my wife to trim the back of my hair. This is a while ago now. And I ended up, the only place that seemed to work was if we went to the bathroom and I sat astride the toilet facing away from her. A bit, is it Christine Keeler? Is it that photograph? Oh, Lex Akimbo on the chair.

I don't think she's on a toilet. Is it Lex Akimbo, a popular gambler on the Mississippi Riverboat? But we ended up having a little tête-à-tête because all the hair had fallen onto my shoulders. I thought you were sitting on the toilet anyway. All the hair had fallen onto my shoulders and she just blew it all over the place.

And I found myself yelling, don't blow it, gather it. Does she work in the leaves moving business? So I feel sorry for anyone listening outside the door to that exchange. Yes, exactly. But now gather it has become a thing that my family all parody me about because it's a weird thing to find yourself shouting, gather it, just gather it, will you? I like gather it, it's good.

I don't like the bin liner though, Al. It's a very dystopian nightmare, you with the bin liner over your head. This is the time we're living in. And also the hair won't sit there, it'll just fall on the floor. There's nothing, you can't get any purchase what you want is you want a bin liner that's sort of been risen up

so that it drops into the bin liner could you have your head in the bottom of a bin liner and could she cut it downwards so that it fills the bin liner you can't get purchase Bruce purchase you can't get himurchase. Bruce Purchase. You can't get him anymore.

I've tried. That's a very in-joke. Sorry, he's a minor character in Doctor Who. Well, I've had another cut. I've realised that now I can do it at home. I just want it done every week. So I'm leaving the rest of the hair. I'm just, every Saturday, my thing is to shave the sides

as short as I can get them, the back and the sides. So I don't know what I'm going to look like at the end of it. But you know what? I like the feeling of it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You see, one of the great things about working remotely is I just thought then, oh, I bet one of those will speak any second now. And I quite liked it.

Unfortunately, we've gone off air and we've gone back to two hours of Vera Lynn, which has now become the absolute radio standby. Well, I think I just want to see how comfortable you are with, I'd call it constructive feedback, the haircut. Go for it. There's a lot of comparisons to who you look like. Kev Cameron says, I think he looks like Michael Palin. That's not bad, is it?

I've had a couple saying that. That's all right. Geordie Russell, I thought it was like Michael Palin. That's not bad, is it? We've had a couple saying that. It's all right. Geordie Russell, I thought it was Peter Capaldi. Tommy Dyer, Peaky Blinders, Back and Sides. And Louise Hall says Venerable. Oh, yeah, it's got a slight medieval thing to it. Yeah. There's something...

I think this is a compliment. He looks like Tan France. Yes, he does. I don't know what that means. Explain, Emily. Tan France. Why do you automatically assume? Of course I know.

Are you familiar with the show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? I know of it. It's just called queer eye now i think and there are um far i think it's five blokes and one of them is uh tan france and he's as you i would imagine extremely handsome and and has a sort of silver fox vibe so i'd i'd take that frank i'd be really happy tan france tan, Tan France. Tan France, yes. What's that short for, Tan?

Do we know? Or is it a nickname because he's got a hefty... I don't know. I think it might be... I'm not sure. I'm not sure where he's from. Anyway, if you're listening, Tan, God bless you. We've also had some comments in.

You were talking about Tony Blair's jacket last week. Yeah, there was a picture because who was the new baby last week? Boris's baby, wasn't it? So they had pictures of other prime ministers with babies. And there was Tony Blair in what I think was a wind cheater jacket. And then I think we went into some debate as to the definition of wind cheater. And then I think we went into some debate as to the definition of wind cheetah. Well, Gareth says my granddaughter would have called it a blouson, pronounced blouson.

Yeah, I have heard that one. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know quite what that is. I think that's to do with the elasticated waist and then a slight billowing. Yes, the blouson. Like a bishop's sleeve. You know a bishop's sleeve, which is a type of shirt sleeve? Tight cuff and then it balloons.

And then we've also had Neil Lawson from Exeter has said, Hi Frank, if Emily and Alan are uncertain about wind cheaters, I would suggest that when lockdown is over, they go to their nearest motorway service station and stand by the coach stop. Now you're all right. There will be a trail of fawn and grey wind cheaters modelled by the line of over-70s males in taupe slacks and canvas shoes

heading in earnest for the nearest facilities. I'll go. I'll go. Emily's not that up for it, but I'll have nothing to do. Life comedy's going to take a while to come back I suspect I may as well fill my days at the bus station I've always worried about that beige thing though with the elderly

When does it happen? Well I call that colour gris which is grey slash beige It's a particular kind of beige. You're word merging. Yes, I am.

It seems to me a mistake when you're getting old. It looks like you've been in a shop window for like six months and everything's faded. You know when the colour goes out of stuff? I suppose they're getting used to the idea. Or when you need a coat in a car. Yeah. Yeah, I think as I get older, I suppose they're getting used to the idea. Or when you need a coat in a car.

Yeah, I think as I get older, I'm going to wear more vivid colours. Yes. Rather than to... Otherwise, you look like you're getting ready for ghost hood. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So what else is the word on the strasa? Well, we've also had some texts in during the week in response to your confession, I would say, last week, that you've never, ever taken a Polaroid picture and not done the shaky thing. And we were discussing how irresistibly tempting it was to do that yeah i was generally talking about things that you know you probably

shouldn't do there's no point in them but you can't resist it and one of them is i've just never ever taken a polaroid and not shook it and i don't know what i'm i always had the feeling that i was mixing some sort of chemicals and helping to activate them so they could produce the picture a bit quicker. But I have no scientific basis for that theory. It feels like a very manual version of some kind of centrifugal force, doesn't it? Well, it makes you feel like you're a bit of a scientist,

which I quite like. Well, 9-0-0. Oh, go on. on the other one i mentioned was um the the phone uh being cut off in a mobile phone and then saying when you went back i don't know what happened then and nine nine zero zero has pointed out uh hi frank and co with regards to the polaroid i distinctly remember kodak chiming in with advice not to shake Polaroid pictures when there was a plucky hit in the charts that had the line, shake it like a Polaroid picture. Oh, what's that? And that's Andy from Hull. I think that's a young Will.i.am that sang that song, is it not?

Is it? Oh, that's good knowledge. Shake it like a Polaroid picture. Oh, that's very Will.i.am. Is it the Black Eyed Peas? Have I got that wrong? I probably have. Oh, that's good knowledge. Like a Polaroid picture, wasn't it? Oh, that's very Will.i.am. Is it the Black Eyed Peas? Have I got that wrong? I probably have. Oh, yes.

My music knowledge is so terrible. No, that sounds like the sort of thing, yes. Can I do my Will.i.am joke? Go on. Yes. You know Will.i.am's got a brother that lives in Yorkshire? It's called Will.i.eckers-like. It makes no sense.

Doesn't it? Brothers don't have the same first name and different second names. It's brilliant. I love it. This is a man who's broke all the name rules. You'll agree with that. Yes, you're right. You're right.

All bets are off with the Will I Am. I enjoyed it. Jokes don't have to make sense to me. It's like Sondra slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball. with the Will I Am. I enjoyed it. Jokes don't have to make sense to me. It's like Sondra slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball. Yeah, and on his... On the day he... I mean, hopefully this is a long way off.

When Will I Am dies... That's a nice caveat. His tombstone will say, Will I Was. Right, is that all the Will.i.am material? I think, I think maybe. If I think of any more, I'll keep you posted. Well, Chris Holton has also suggested

the irresistible temptation of tapping the top of a can before opening it. And I must confess, I am also, I'm that guy. hardly ever drink cans something i think he means what we'd call in yorkshire a can of pop or like a fizzy can can of beer i've never i've never done that i've never well the idea out was it a sort of urban myth or maybe there's there's some sort of physics in it that it would stop it frothing over yeah when people when people at

school used to give you a secretly shaken up can yes and uh and then it would go everywhere like you'd just won the formula one or something yeah and so you have to have a contingency plan which is to just quietly tap the top of it i used to sorry frank i used to do it with cigarettes I mean cigarettes are bad for you but I used to tap them on the table and I did it because 2020 and apparently cigarettes are bad for you

not according to David Hockney but apparently people might forget why does he say they're good for you he said they help prevent coronavirus that's the reason he hasn't got coronavirus. I did wonder if you might be... You know the way one fumigates against infestation? It did make me...

But, I mean, we've got no basis for that here at Absolute. Our laboratory, we've been working on it and we've found no evidence. So please don't smoke, it's bad for you. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Rage. We've been working on it and we've found no evidence. So please don't smoke. It's bad for you. During that break, by the way, our producer, Sarah, said... It wasn't Will.i.am, actually, that said shake it like a Polaroid. It was that... Is it called Hey Yeah actually, that said shake it like a Polaroid. It was that... Because it's called Hey Yeah.

Is that what that song's called? Hey Yeah, yeah, Outcast. Is that what they're called, Outcast? It was Outcast, yeah. It's got a brilliant riff in it. It's got a key. Yeah. Was it Andre 2000 or 3000?

I can't remember. Well, of course, none of us are getting any younger. One or the other. I don't want to add years to him. That would be very cruel. or 3000. Oh, well, of course, none of us is getting any younger. I don't want to add years to him. That would be very cruel. No, it was. It's a fantastic video. I remember. Yes.

Very, very garish, very garish in its colour scheme. If I remember. They like cardigans, didn't they? And cardigans and braces and stuff. Can I tell you, I'm eating love hearts as I do this part of the show. Of course you are.

That's the kind of showbiz life to which you've become accustomed, isn't it? Yeah, well, they're mini packets. They're not full packets. Is that because you're working from home? You've had to downscale a little bit. I honestly thought that I had got here a love heart that says on it, sugar lies.

And I thought, well, that's an incredibly profound statement about love and deceit and building people up and the superficiality of that early loving thing. And now I see, when I held it to a different angle, it actually says sugar lips and the colour has come off it a bit. Pity I like sugar lice. Yeah. I don't like them.

I don't like sugar lips. It's a bit Mel Gibson-y. No. Craig McVicar has been in touch, Frank, who sounds like he's in some sort of 60s gangster film. Not John McVicar, is he? No, John McVicar. John McVicar, the classic, get a sociology degree in prison.

I was telling someone that only the other day. He was talking about someone saying he uses a lot of overly long sort of words and there's very verbose language and it feels a bit performative. And I suggest Frank has a word from that. It's English degree in prison is what he calls it. And they wear like, often wear a leather suit jacket, those blokes. With short grey hair. A lot of them, I think, who I thought had died and disappeared.

When Jeremy Corbyn became leader of the Labour Party, he started appearing on the telly again. All those blokes. Anyway, I don't know what'll happen to them now. So Craig McVicar, who I feel certainly isn't that type of bloke. Quick question, who played John McVicar in the film? Oh.

Ooh. Any offers? No, I'm out. No, I'm pretty sure it was Roger Daltrey. Was it? Mm-hmm. There you go. So I remember when he broke out of prison,

I remember him swinging the keys on their chain over and round and round his head. No, I made that up. That was a Roger Daltrey joke. Some of them, as we know, do fall on stony ground. Do carry on. Well, I just didn't get the Who reference. Is that something he was famous for then?

He would swing the mic around. When I interviewed him for Absolute, I asked him what he would do if he turned up at a gig and they gave him one of those mics with the little stubby thing. What does he say? He said, I wouldn't use it. I wouldn't perform. Oh, Roger, go with it, mate.

You don't want to be swinging it around on a tiny little stubby boxer dog tail extension that'd be so awkward uh Craig McVicar talking about um things we can't resist doing even though we know it's essentially futile clicking a pair of tongs after taking them out of the kitchen drawer oh come on come on. I do that all the time. That's a good one. I always do that. No, I like that one.

That's a good one, Craig. That sociology degree was not a waste of time. And Steve says two blips of the throttle after starting up a chainsaw or picking up a drill. Wow. Do you know that? I think we might have to keep that because we might have to read that out in court at some point. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can't text us. Don't text us because we're not live. So that'd be reckless in the extreme but you can follow us at Frank on the radio on Twitter and Instagram or email us via the Absolute Radio website

so you know it's not all over by any means I've been looking forward to chatting to you boys about Kim because Kim has been breaking the internet again and

I think, yes, I think you know which Kim I mean. Is it an I haven't reached to call him a friend of the show or is that poor taste or I feel like, yeah I think you know, innocent until proven guilty. I think that ship

sailed mate. Well I don't think he's had a trial are you gonna wear a free free kim jong-un t-shirt no i like to hear that frank is a fan of due process good lad exactly good lad so trump on one side kim on the they refer to him. We've basically got the same hairstyle now. They refer to him as, it's not, I don't think technically he's Supreme Leader because I think that was his father or grandfather. And once you've got that name, that's yours, isn't it? Fraternity. Is that right?

I believe so. What is he? Head honcho? I think he's dear, respected comrade. But they call him dear, respected for short. Right. Which is nice. Doctor.

Doctor Kim. But he's not been seen, has he? In public for some time. It's surprising, isn't't it that people have noticed that given that the whole world seems to have not been seen everyone's on lockdown they thought he died because he hadn't been seen in public for 20 days i mean welcome to my world what do people think about me and you mentioned actually last week, Frank, that there was some suggestion

that a doctor had botched this sort of, you know, life-saving surgery due to his hands shaking so much out of fear. Because he was so frightened. And also when he found that Kim Jong-un's heart was actually made from granite. He was worried just to have that information there's no way to talk about dear respected um but he was then cited he's back baby he's back

baby at a fertilizer factory i think it was our that's now you see can i say if you've out of the public eye for 20 days and if you've been ill or whatever you've been doing, to me, I wouldn't have thought that a visit to the fertilizer factory was the thing that gets you out there. You've got to pick your battles with the recluse lifestyle. I would suggest with someone with his reputation for aggression, a fertilizer plant might be a question mark. What, you think he was there visiting relatives?

Yeah, mafia boss, totally legit waste disposal business. Yeah, visiting pigsties. Blowing flowers at the fertiliser factory. I mean, I know in his pomp, it was very much his sort of day trip of choice was to things like that. And then he just stayed in and ate cheese. Yeah.

Well, they have. One of the theories is that he was avoiding COVID-19 and that's why he's been staying in so much. Sensible. Well, he's got some BMI, guys. I mean, he's 5'6 and 20 stone. He comes out on Thursday evenings at 8 o'clock, claps on his doorstep and then goes back in and that's it.

The great thing is he does the whole thing with his buttocks. But apparently they have got zero COVID-19 in North Korea. I mean, zero. That sounds like a very trustable stat. Yeah, well, yeah. Although he was apparently was seeing panic buying, Kim Jong-un was seeing panic buying in a KFC. Well, there's several theories.

One is that there is COVID-19 in North Korea and that he was avoiding it. That seems reasonable. The other one is that he was dead and that this isn't him. It's a looky-likey. It's a body double, yeah. I don't know if you'd say looky-likey

about people from North Korea. But I would say about anyone, so I think it's all right. They made a big thing about how he looked a bit different. One of the things they mentioned was his Cupid's bow. Yes. Which I think we'll have to come back to After this break So back to Kim Jong What is a cupid's bow exactly?

They said his cupid's bow looks completely different From what it looked like before Well at first i thought it must be his hairline but i don't think it is is it no the cupid's bow on the lips yeah it's isn't it the bit where the lips meet essentially because it it provides a sort of dip that's what i thought but i'm again i'm sure readers is it that central bit now i come to think of it you know that central bit under the nose? No, not the Robert Mugabe bit.

In the golden days when we used to talk about Bob Mugabe's philtrum, which is the distance from the bottom of his nose to the top of his lip. I think it's that bit on the top of the lips. I could be wrong, but I'm thinking on my feet here. That bit that forms a little curve in the middle of the top lip. It's like puckering almost. Yes, I know what you mean. It's not Joe Arby, though.

I don't want any new listeners to think that we're obsessed with dictators. Robert McCartney and Kim Jong-un. Although, Al, we should say that the dictator, I mean, the body double theory, one thing in its favour is that it is, I mean, I hate to say that's so dictator, I mean, the body double theory, one thing in its favour is that it is, I mean, I hate to say that's so dictator, but it really is to get a body double. Because Saddam Hussein used to get one. Hitler, did he have one, I think?

I imagine it's quite a, do you think it's a pressurised gig? Like, if you're a Kim Jong-un lookalike and he gets a pimple, you must have to just will yourself to get a pimple i'm sure otherwise you're making him look like a worse version of you aren't you you have to chain smoke as well well um have you ever seen the um old black and white movie, I Was Monty's Double. No. No. And it's about a bloke who operated as General, you know General Montgomery? Yes. General Montgomery, who went on to be like Viscount Montgomery,

who was known as Monty, who conducted the Desert War, I think, for the Allies during World War II. Very popular boy's name now. I love it. Monty's, because of him. I don't know, it's boy's name now. I love it. Monty's. Because of him. I don't know.

It's just very fashionable. I absolutely love it. Anyway. But this bloke was hired as a body double for Monty during the war. And then he wrote a book about it. And then in the film, he plays himself playing General Montgomery and he also plays General Montgomery.

Wow. And he plays himself as General Montgomery as well. There's a million layers of deceit and mimicry going on. It's like I imagine if John Coleshaw took heroin, it's the sort of, which I know he doesn't, by the way, and don't take it as bad for you. It's the sort of dreams I imagine he would have in which he is doing an impression

of himself, doing an impression of himself, doing an impression, until his inner being is lost in the maelstrom. Good night. Kim Jong-un's inner being has got lost somewhere in the suit. Well, they say it's inside every fat man. There's a thin man fine to get out.

His sister was at the event at the fertiliser station, Kim Jo Hong. I don't think she'd work. Would she work with a topple, do you think? Oh, you mean like you're not my real brother? Yeah, I mean, would she go along with it? What, you mean she'd offer resistance to his decision? Because he could still be alive, couldn't he? I mean, there were suggestions.

It's a bit like Elton John's mum, isn't it? Remember when Elton John's mum had an Elton John lookalike? And we all thought, oh, that's tragic. So I don't think Kim Jo Hong would play ball. But I could, you know, she seems like a strong woman. I could be wrong. I'm slightly fascinated by her. Actually, I'll be straight with you.

Yeah. But that ship has sailed. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about Kim Jong-un and his sister, his slightly difficult sister we've decided, Kim Jo-hong. Kim Jo-hong, they think, is going to be the next leader of Korea. Do you know that?

Yeah. If Kim Jong-un passes. She's about to become a feminism icon, isn't she? I love the idea that in the league table are female leaders. It's Conservative Party 2, North Korea 1, Labour Party 0. I know, it's true. Something's gone wrong with the system there, hasn't it? I know.

Well, it was reported that he had gout. I remember he had gout. Because you don't often hear about people in the modern age having gout. You see, it's rich living, it used to be said. Is that actually what it is you remember he spent 66 grand on cheese there was that time and yeah they revealed they had all his um they had a list they printed that recently as if he died it was kind of an obituary and it was a little bit premature yeah and it just had a list i read read it of all the, you know, his excessive spending.

And what I liked was it was 8 million on luxury pepper he'd spent. Wow. 251,000. Not to be sneezed at. Oh, come on. Where are jingles when you need them? It's all right. I've got my live jingle.

Oh, Suzanne, beware of the devil. Don't let him steal your heart. Okay. 251,000 on fishing rods. That's a lot. Well, you know what they say, if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you give a man a fishing rod, you feed him forever.

If you give a man 250,000 quids worth, you, I don't know what you do you create a black market for fishing rods not with Chris Tarrant's house 1.65 million on umbrellas come on that was when he went on that state visit

to a rainforest I think he misunderstood the whole thing I'm just saying he spends a lot of money. That's all. And they don't have a lot, we're told. I think he might have had the plastic surgery, though, because that is quite a dictator thing.

I don't know if it's true, but I read that Colonel Gaddafi had plastic surgery in the middle of the night and he refused general anaesthetic because... Was that one of his assistants? One of his female military leaders, general anaesthetic. What about one of my dad's girlfriends genuinely had a relationship with him? That's a nice ex, isn't it?

With Gaddafi? With Gaddafi, yes. I want to find out what happened to his midnight... Yeah, go on. He had late night plastic surgery, but refused to be under general anaesthetic because he was worried about some of his team murdering him. And so he had local anaesthetic

and halfway through a four-hour surgery operation, they stopped for cheeseburgers. Wow. So it's definitely a thing. The dictators, they love the plastic surgery. He should have had liposuction though, Kim. I wouldn't advise anyone, but... Sorry, I'll be honest with you.

We're supposed to time these things so we don't go over time. I forgot to press the thing. I don't know how long we've been talking. No, we're fine. You've got a bit more time. I'll tell you. I spoke to a person who I shouldn't name who was at a meeting with Colonel Gaddafi, quite a high

ranking meeting and Colonel Gaddafi made a suggestion which was rejected and he stormed out of the room and when they went out after he was sitting on the stairs, like moaning and sulking that they hadn't listened to his suggestion. So he was an erratic individual, Colonel Gaddafi. You heard it here first.

Good head of hair, though. Lovely head of hair. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio If we had to put together a wall chart based on this show saying which of the three main Kim Jong-un theories we're going with where either he's dead and there's a double now operating or he was avoiding COVID-19

or he's had plastic surgery. Where would you be going with that? Okay. Alan? I think he's been staying in and avoiding COVID-19 and I'll tell you what I think he's been doing whilst in there. I think he's been watching The Last Dance on Netflix

because it's about the Chicago Bulls and Dennis Rodman's in it. So he's a family friend, isn't he? Do you want my theory? Mine's slightly briefer. Defo dead. You think? Defo dead.

And more alliterative. Good work. Thanks, Kinner. Well, I'm taking the third. I'll tell you why. Because I remember Vladimir Putin had time off for plastic surgery. He got ripped, didn't he? And he disappeared.

What they did an odd thing as well with these plastic surgeries. They made his face considerably rounder. You know, they usually make them more gaunt. He came back looking like the man in the moon. And the idea that he went in and said, I like a round face. Really filled out like balloon. It will look better on badges.

It will look better on badges. So, yeah, so I think a plastic surgery is probably against so dictator. Imagine if he comes out all thin because he's got, he favours, as a lot of the shorter man, well, no, but the shorter man who's of a larger proportion they often like the sort of luminous trousers but you know the effect i always think that gives it does their shoes look tiny feet like the sort of pedals on a piano poking out i think very small petite shoes and baggy now that's what i say do you think he's like a cannonball going down the hallway, as I think Oasis once said, some sort of version of that. I was reading about, I think he's called Mbasogo,

who was the dictator of Equatorial Guinea. Do you know him? He's been in charge for over 30 years. He's been a dictator. And apparently it's in the sort of the constitution of the contrary that he can kill anyone he wants without any legal. This is the quote, and I quote, without any legal comeback or going to hell.

He's been allowed off both of those. He's covered himself in the afterlife. That would feel liberating, wouldn't it? I think he's something like the second longest reigning dictator in the world at the moment. Fair play. Just keeping you updated. You know your dictators.

Dictator news on this. So that's what I think. I think he's had plastics. I think the dead celebrity is such a... Remember it was Paul McCartney at one time. People thought... It's not like Paul McCartney, Fang. Also, what plastic surgeon is going to have...

But what plastic surgeon is going to have the courage to say to him, you've got a bit of a double chin, mate. I'd take your nose down a bit. No one's going to. It's a pressure. I know, but I mean, they could shoehorn themselves straight into the witness protection programme afterwards if you pursued them.

And it could be like me getting my hair cut at home the whole thing could be done without anyone knowing Can I tell you I've just got to a love heart the inscription on it is your fab oh and i think i could be wrong about this i've probably been eating love hearts for the greater part of over 50 years anyway i don't think i've ever seen one with an apostrophe on it before oh that's nice to know yeah so who's doing the punctuation because punctuate punctuation

often isn't seen as romantic but here we are with it on a love heart well if you if i got given one with your fab y-o-u-r i mean that would be relationship ending yeah of course well also i don't think it would taste as sweet i think there would be a bitterness about punctuation whilst you were eating it. I'm worried that the apostrophe will have a sort of a gritty nature. I feel that. You know, I've been making, I've been, I've never made an omelette before lockdown

and I've been working, I've made about seven, right, and they're getting better. Oh, I'd love to make an omelette. I still get the odd bit of shell in every one i do and it impairs it i'll be i'll be completely straight with you i don't suppose either of you two have been watching the joy of painting have you on bbc i thought you're going to say the joy of something else. No. Well, do you know, I saw, I didn't see a clip of it, but I saw the little sort of visual for it on BBC iPlayer

and the man looked so strange. And I thought, I might watch this. Who is the man that presents that? The man's called Bob Ross. Or Bross, as I like to call him. But that's what appealed to me, Frank, that he looked a bit, I thought he looked a bit quirky and I like the look of him I mean he's no longer

with us I think Bob Bross but the Joy painting it's me and Kath watched it and thought he painted a mountain scene with a lake in front of it and all that and we thought that's absolutely brilliant and then we watched another one he painted almost exactly the same mountain scene.

And we've watched, I think, nine or ten now, and I'd say that mountain scene has featured in at least seven of them. You think he's doing colour by numbers on The Quiet? He didn't even know. I looked it up, and apparently he did 403 episodes of the Joy painting. I wouldn't mind betting that 385 of those are mountain in the middle, a bit of river reflecting the moon. And it's just the same.

Basically, this went to the broadcasters and said, look, I can do this painting. What about if I do it every week on the show? Sounds quite calming, though. It is quite calming. It's like an Andy Warhol movie. It's just endless repetition. Sounds boring to me.

As Marky Smith said, he observes the three R's, repetition, repetition and repetition. As Marky Smith said, he observes the three Rs, repetition, repetition and repetition. But it's now on two current channels. It's on Vice and it's also on BBC4. And it's getting very sort of prominent promotion as well. Is it?

Yes. And it's a man painting the same, it's the odd exception, but essentially he learnt how to paint a mountain with the sea in front of it with a bit of sun or moon on it and some yellowy trees. Have you seen him now? He's got a sort of beard. I mean, I did panic when I saw the visual, but it's fine. Just when I saw the paintbrush and everything.

But he seems a nice chap. I've not seen it. I've not seen it advertised. Today's the first I've heard of it, and I'm not in a while. Try it out. It's very calming. No, it's not for me. It sounds about as exciting as watching paint dry.

Oh, now you've said it. I've heard of jokes. I've heard of jokes. I had to. I had to. But that's ridiculous. Anyway, so look, Sarah Champion is up next. Sarah Champion,

who I saw was on the absolute Twitter feed. Someone has done a customised top trumps of all the absolute presenters, but not any of us. In the world, but not of it,

as I think St. Paul once said. Anyway, thank you so much for listening today. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now stop in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.