The Frank Skinner Show - Dalek Decor

Episode Date: February 6, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank witnessed some top-class multi-tasking from Adrian Chiles and went to the opera. The team also discussed out-dated expressions, giving blood and celery.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Nice easy names to say. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via, get your pens and papers ready, frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Andrew S. Yes.

Has been in touch. He's shared an image with us. He says, hello, long-time listener. He doesn't say hello. I think I added that to make it more radio friendly. Do you think it's Andy Saltzman the popular sports reporter who's calling himself Andrew S

oh he's yes he's a Z isn't he that's right it's not him it's alright it's not him relax

it's not going to be a load of statistics about the last left hander to score 50 before lunch at the Oval I know it's not him

because his handle yes I said handle yeah is at Andyy pandy 1987 oh is it now zaltzman forgive me zaltzman but i think we're i think 1987 you know i think a lot had happened he had a lot under his belt by that stage i don't know i'll i'll tell you what i love is when you see someone who's in a job where you think, if you'd offered this person any job on the planet, this is the one they would have taken.

And Andy Zaltzman as the official score person for Test Match Special, et cetera. Oh, man. A pig in... Well, anyway, he's very happy. Oh, goodness sake. Well, Andrew S., long time tweet. Not him. sake. Well, Andrew S., long-time tweeter. Not him.

So not Andy Zaltzman. No. Long-time, I mean, it's quite a build-up. I know. A nice tweet. I know. Long-time listener, first-time tweeter. I found a bar in Newcastle that has a full-size Dalek as part of its decor.

He says, very niche. And then he's given it a hashtag. Hashtag Dalek decor. And I'm just not confident I can really see that taking off. I mean, it's not going to be trending, hashtag Dalek decor. Well, we don't know. I mean, there's a bit of... My brother-in-law's house, when I sit in the garden there in the summer,

the next-door neighbour's got a Dalek. So there are a few. And my management company... door neighbors got a Dalek so people there are some few and my management company yeah my management company had I think what was formerly Harry Hills Dalek in the in there is some there is the possibility of an episode where the Daleks are at home and we get to discuss their decor when we do see them at home occasionally. They go for a sort of brutalist, mechanic vibe. Yeah, very metallic. That is sort of what I would have guessed,

rather than a kind of chintzy Laura Ashley vibe. There's no room for a soft furnishing in a Dalek home. Why didn't they, yeah? I think they're missing out there. There was one when they had a cocktail party, and what they'd done is they'd cut these avocados in half and left the stone in.

So they had that raised stone and then they put them all together to form a Dalek. I'm surprised the female Daleks didn't have... The female Daleks? Yeah, the female Daleks. That's a very good question. Wait, Frank. Who are the female Daleks? Why didn't very good question. Wait, Frank. Who are the female Daleks?

Why didn't they have those lashes like they have on the cars? Oh, that would have been brilliant. I haven't seen any of those headlamp lashes for a long time. And maybe, Frank, the female Daleks. They must have wives, these people, to go home to. And then maybe a lovely pinafore. You know those half-pinnies? Oh, yes.

Half-apron. I like the plastic house coat with some quilting. I like to see that. I sat behind a woman on the bus this week, and she had such long false lashes on. No disrespect, Sarah. That I was looking through them down the box. It's literally like looking through a beaded curtain at the world.

I was looking through someone else's lashes. They were so long and lustrous. Yeah. It's never quite got the false lashes thing, but they do look, you know, great in a sort of Alice Cooper kind of a way. Again, no offence. Has she got you? Yes, she has. How early do you have to get up to put them babies in place?

That's our texting this morning. Yeah, they come with a little black pelmet at the top of them. Love it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Katie Collister has been in touch. Katie Collister. Like it.

Following on from a recent podcast, Ree Frank's Love of Typewriters. Ah, yes. You and Hanksy. I think you and Hanksy would get on very well, you know. Do you remember when Hanksy used to post, I think it wasanks he would get on very well you know do you remember when Hanks he used to post I think it was on his Twitter

would post pictures of things he'd seen lying about in the street like gloves oh did he yeah did he he's an interesting individual

he'd be a lovely friend for you Frank yeah I think I don't think me and him are going to get to know each other somewhere why not you sometimes get

lovely opportunities and as you know I struggle with the friends thing. Generally, it's so complicated. Oh, yeah. OK. Refranc's love of typewriters. Did you know that the longest word you can type using the top row of the keyboard is typewriter?

Is that... Do you think that's an accident? I'll not praise, so it can't be redacted. I love I'll not. Yeah. Do you like that? I love? I'll not praise so it can't be redacted. I love I'll not. Yeah. Do you like that? I love a piece of information like that. Oh, all sorts of... I was explaining to our producer and co-producer, assistant producer.

When I said co-producer, the producer digged me in my kidneys. That really hurt. Digged or dog? or dog at 12 15. um i um i was talking about the fact that the tommy steele beatles connection oh yes which i think i have mentioned before but i've mentioned everything before that's life um that tommy steele did the sculpture of Eleanor Rigby, which is in Liverpool, about the character from, which is a pretty unique connection, I think. Yeah. It's like finding out that Brian Wilson

did a sculpture of Hattie Carroll from the Bob Dylan song. It's a lot like that. It's almost an identical thing that happened. Yeah, just different personnel. I accept that. Okay. Have we got hotels from outside?

I'm not sure I'll tell you what I've been up to. Well, we have, but I'd like to know what's happening in the world of skinner well there's there's a well um a well-trodden um cliche that men can't multitask i think we've all heard this said um and you can say what you like about men now and i'd advise that you do that because you're safe. Safe ground. And I had the popular radio and TV presenter, Adrian Childs, come round my house on Sundays. He's actually my son's godfather. And my son, Boz, has recently taken to goalkeeping

in quite a big way. I did everything to talk him out of it. Why? I don't know, because I think, you know, you want to be out there running around and with a chance of glory. But he really likes the gloves. And so he's doing the...

Adrian Childs used to be a goalkeeper. I don't know if you know this. So he came round to give Boz a goalkeeping masterclass and I mean like with a series of drills things to do it's very impressive but in the in the midst and I mean literally in the midst not before or after he would do a couple of drills and while Boz was he would then go across to my kitchen and during the course of the goalkeeping masterclass, he constructed a baba ganoush.

Nice. Now, I bet that doesn't happen on the FA badges days. You don't see De Gea doing that. I mean, there's all sorts. It was, and he didn't have the gloves on. It was oven gloves, goalie gloves, oven gloves, goalie gloves. It was, you know, and he wouldn't notice. Never the twinge or me.

Yeah, it was. I think that should be factored into each, that you should have to go off and create a dish. You should have, you know, you should be able to multitask. There used to be a sport called chess boxing, which was a combination of the two activities, the physical and the cranial. And I thought it was a fabulous piece of juxtaposition.

I enjoyed it. Friendskinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, don't forget this morning's phone-in. Sharon Stone, is it time she went metric? Oh, good. Speaking of which... Oh, God, sorry, Frank. Do people still give a pint of blood?

Do you still give a pint in these metric ages? Oh, I don't know. They might have gone litre-age. Yeah, a litre feels like a bit too much, doesn't it? I know Tony Hancock famously said a pint was almost an armful. And do you still get a biscuit? On a cup of

tea? Anyone who gives blood, if that still... Does that still happen? It must, they've got to get it from somewhere. That definitely still happens. Unless they're doing their own slaughtering. Maybe. Yeah, is it still a pint and do you still get a cup of tea and a biscuit?

There was a little book as well that you used to get stamped. Oh really? Anyway, 8, 12, 15. I don't know why I stopped. I used to give regularly. I got my first badge and then something happened. Oh. I can't really, I'm afraid, to...

I don't want to go into the details, but I can't afford to give the blood, I'm afraid. Well, my... Anemic. People used to sell their blood, of course. My mate was in New York and he tried to give blood, not for money, just as a kind of a... And they wouldn't have it because they said

they didn't take it from British people because they were worried about mad cow disease. Oh, that's a shame. That takes you back, doesn't it? If you want to get into some medical health hysteria, nostalgia, mad cow disease. I mean, why would you? That's a good one.

Nick Smith, I mean, I did...? That's a good one. Nick Smith. I mean, I did. Nick Smith. I brought this on myself. Okay. With the hashtag Dalek decor. But we're getting some Dalek stuff in. Okay.

Hi, Frank on the radio and gang. Here's my dad's Dalek dressed as a shepherd for Christmas. Nice. I appreciate this is largely a visual conceit here. But I think I might actually retweet this because it's quite the sight, I have to say. It's got the tea towel around the head,

the Dalek. Okay. The Dalek's head fits. I do want to like, the headlight shining through the tea towel is what I like at night. It kind of works. And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer thinking,

excuse me, that's my act. And then John Hopkins. Has it got a crook? Oh, yes, it's got a crook. Oh, that's good. I mean, I don't... The trouble is, Frank, I'm not familiar with what is part of its body and what has been sort of thrust onto it.

It has got a crook. Does it have a weird plunger thing sticking out of it, a Dalek? Yes. I mean, there are variations on Daleks. Recently they had, like, automatic weaponry instead of the old thing that looked like a curling tong. OK. But the soccer is, like, it's a classic Dalek.

There's a sort of a basketball plunger, essentially. Yeah, exactly. That's very good. John Hopkins. You're familiar with his work? Yes, of course. Hopkins. Years ago, in the course of my job,

I had to deliver bad news to a family. Hmm. Oh. I composed myself and walked into their lounge only to be greeted by a full-sized Dalek. It's quite difficult to remain solemn when you're flanked by Davros and a Cyberman. They were there as well.

This is what I can't work out. There's a lot of it about... I think you'll find there's a great many Doctor Who enthusiasts. I think you need to accept that. And it's fine. I'm saying nothing. You know. My cardboard cutout, darling, was destroyed by the wind.

It split across the waist. Lemac's got a massive Dalek in his room. Has he? Well, maybe he's got more money than me. Who's got more money, me or Lee Mack? 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, you've lit up the switchboard

by discussing what you get when you give blood. Yeah, OK. And if people still give blood. A lot of people saying that you still get biscuits and cups of tea. Oh, good. Just as an example, 838, the biscuit selection when you give blood is incredible. There was no selection when I gave blood. Well, there is one fly in the ointment out of many, many text messages. 167 has said, never get a cup of tea where I am in Sussex.

Usually get a packet of crisps or a digestive. No chalky biscuits anymore. I put a bit of tone on that. No, I like tea. I do what I like to do. It's a bit old-fashioned. It's a bit tit-feel thunderbolt. Yeah.

I like that. So that's where we're at on the blood donation. You're probably wondering if I give. I would, but I can't because I haven't got any. I'm a robot. Oh. I never knew that. I didn't know that.

Have you told us that before? I didn't know that. No, but it's really put me off it. I must have forgot. Collarblind and a robot. It's an unusual bit of the Venn diagram. We've also had someone tell us how much you and Lee Mack are worth.

Oh, okay. It's not. Those things are always wrong. They're always wrong. Do you want to know what it says? Whenever you look up a celebrity, you're always offered net worth. Have you ever noticed that?

Yes. Well, they've told us your net worth. I mean, you know. I don't think we should be so sordid as to read it. I would never be so vulgar. Even if it's wrong, I wouldn't do that to leave out. I'm just saying that someone the information is out there. Well, no, feel free

to Google. I would like to discuss a phenomenon. Please do. A phenomenon. I went to the opera. You go a lot. Yes, I saw The Marriage of Figaro.

And then you went to the opera. No, it was one and the same. It was like the Baba Ganoush and the Goldfeber in Masterclass. It was integrating. Did you go with Joan Bakewell? I went with Baroness Bakewell, yes. of the same it was um it's like the baba ganoush and the gold keeping master class it was it was joan bakewell i went with baroness bakewell yes i mean this is becoming quite a thing well she's a great lady is it weekly your date no not quite that but you know we are regular um get-togethers anyway there's a thing at the opera which happens and it seems to me a thing that goes through society the loudest cheer of the night

is for the orchestra they get when all the people come on have done these fabulous singing jobs we've been watching

for three hours forty minutes and they get you know good cheers but when the orchestra stand up people go crazy

and it is that thing when people, it's the sort of, we see past the grease paint and the surface. We know where the real value is. And it's always not quite right. Obviously, the orchestra's amazing, but surely the singers get that. Surely. Right. It's like when people going about Declan Rice and what a great player he is over someone like called Jack Grealish right

ironically it is a bit like liking rice a lot more than the curry Do you know what I mean? People love that thing of, I call them rice enthusiasts. Yes. Of saying, oh, yeah, I mean, Christmas is good, but I much prefer Halloween. That thing. Yeah, that's weird. Come on. Well, it was a bit me always targeting the drama to fancy.

Well, people, yeah. It's like those people that used to fancy David Baddiel in Newman & Baddiel. God, for heaven's sake. You won't mind that. I think he would acknowledge the beauty of Rob Newman in those days. Young people listen to this thinking, who are these names? What about the beauty of Baddiel? Very handsome man, may I say.

Hello? Hello? Sorry, let's get back on my chair. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. 561 isn't listening this morning. OK. 561 says, I never listen live,

but I'd like to know how's it going this morning how would you rate the show on a scale of ballet link to Frank's Wild West Oldtimer praise blah blah blah that's Prisoner 561 from Raffington

I love that Wild West Oldtimer that's the pinnacle yeah that's the bar I should explain that the ballet link is a link that Wild West Oldtimer, that's the pinnacle. Yeah, that's the bar. I should explain that the ballet link is one... It's a link that we discuss ballets. It might be our worst work ever. And Wild West Oldtimer was me making the point

that I'd gone for an audition on an American TV... for an American TV show in which I played a lawyer, a sort of L.A. lawyer. And I assumed it was an English person. But when they said, we need an American accent, the only one I've got is Wild West Old Time. So I was saying, well, this sure is a difficult case to crack, Stacey. And I didn't get it And I didn't get it. I didn't get it.

But anyway, how would I rate the show? I think it's nearer old-timer than Ballet Link, but I can see Ballet Link in my rear-view mirror. Oh, yeah. I'm not going to lie, I'm slightly sad that Adrian Childs making Baba Ganoush whilst goalkeeping coaching has not spawned some

more responses. I was hoping that somebody might have received tuition from Andy Gorham while he put a shepherd's pie together. Al, aren't you upset that Adrian Childs making baba ghanoush whilst goalkeeping has not already been turned into a

popular Channel 5 TV show. To me, it sounds like a really bad guess on catchphrase. Or quite a niche fantasy. Yeah, well, they are famous, yes. They are, they're famously odd goalkeepers as well. There was used to be said that they were all a bit, you know.

Well, don't say as well like Adrian always used to be said that they were all a bit, you know. Don't say as well, like Adrian Luck. No, no, but I mean, you can imagine them doing other strange things. I mean, the goal, the goal itself. I played a bit of goalkeeper. I played in goal. Oh, did you? Yeah, and, you know, and I also really liked a Michael Hardcastle football novel called Goalkeepers Are Different.

And they are. They are. Yeah and they are. Yeah, they are. Well, I think that you think that the goal and the net constitute sort of sheltered accommodation. So they sort of look at home there. But yeah, there has been a series of very,

very eccentric goalies. When you say that, I find the goalkeeper I think there's a self-possession, if you'll pardon me. I like that about them. They don't need the glory. No, it's a good thing. There's something quite alluring about that.

I think it was John Borridge, the Aston Villa goalie. He used to watch Match of the Day with his gloves on, his goalie gloves on. Oh, that's cool. He has lots of that stuff. And, of course, who was the famous Neville Southall, the Everton goalie, who refused to go in at half-time and just stayed in the goals on his own?

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, not the plastic replicant, on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, you know you got to be in Doctor Who

because you just asked on the radio. I asked several times. I've asked a number of times if I could be friends with Tom Cruise. I haven't heard anything. He is very busy. I think he's on Mission Impossible 19. I've got to get him when he's here.

Can we put our heads together? I really think I'd be a lovely friend for him. I would make no demands of him. No, I think he'd be a good friend. I really do think we'd get on. And the epidural thing won't be an issue. Is that a thing? Yeah, they don't like the epis.

Is that right? It is, yeah. Yeah. But I could see you and him getting on. Don't It is. Yeah. I didn't know that. But I could see you and him getting on. Don't you think? Yeah. I really think.

See, I think I'd make quite a good friend for him because I remember that time that he was eating a curry in Birmingham and it made the papers because he enjoyed a meal and just immediately ordered it again. And I thought, that's my kind of behaviour. Yeah, I think that was... Do you see people, though, Frank, and think, I really wish they were my friend?

I have. I have thought that in the past. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, Tracey Emin was one. Do you remember that? You never successfully... He never quite made the conversion.

I can't do friendship. I'd say it's too complex. Oh, you're a lovely friend. No, but one has to accept that he's the loneliest man in the world. Anyway, what's next? I consider you

in my top five, I've told you. You've nailed your colours to the mast there regarding your friendship but i would like to bring up um phrases like nailing your colors to the mast yeah there's uh there's an article in the um you know in the uh newspapers oh yeah how they still exist they've done a survey yes i mean i've read it online but i believe it was in the flesh as well it was full 3D. You know, phrases like nailing your colours to the mast and such stuff,

they've done a massive survey and they've found that a higher than expected percentage of people are not using these phrases and don't understand them. And apparently there's something going to be lost from the English language. People don't even understand phrases like pearls before swine. 78% of the people that they surveyed just didn't know what it meant. Yeah, casting my pearls before swine is something I've used after every bad gig. In fact, every failed joke I've ever had, I've used it internally. If you take that out of the lexicon of a comedian, what are we going to say after that? That's terrible.

Yeah, I think it is... I mean, I'm sort of all right with them fading, as long as they're replaced by some other goodies. Well, this is it. What's it replaced by? OMG or whatever. Just very recently, I discovered No Woe. For No Worries. Oh, I never knew about that. or whatever. Just very recently I discovered No-Wo for no worries. Oh, I never knew about that.

Yeah, I like No-Wo. I've used it a couple of times. No-Wo. Stop. I might put No-Wo in. I'm slightly worried that it hasn't

completely caught on and I might be using it in some sort of vacuum. Controversially, I haven't actually encountered it myself. Well, I heard it on an sort of vacuum. Controversially, I haven't actually encountered it myself. Well, I heard it on an episode

of the Pokemon cartoon series and they used it with tremendous confidence. So I thought, oh, this is what the kids are saying. So I've said, people have asked me to do stuff and I've said, oh, no. And no one's pulled me up on it.

You don't want to end up like... Was it David Cameron that was texting LOL? Oh, yeah. Thinking it was lots of love, wasn't it? Yeah, I think... In the inquiry. Was there a period when it was lots of love? Yeah, there was.

I think it evolved to laugh out loud. Well, yes, because I think it was on letters to pen pals. You'd do LOLs and lots of kisses. Oh, was it? Pen Pals. Do you remember that? Something else, whatever happened to. That was before. And then Pen Pals sort of became trolls, really, didn't they?

No, I don't think that's a fair transformation. It is, really. Any sort of correspondence. Okay. Okay, thank you. You're entitled to your opinion. No woe. okay okay

thank you you're entitled to your opinion no woe Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio well yeah so phrases

that are dying out nail your collars to the mast that's one that's dying out that sort of stuff yeah

which is about being being up front about who you are and what you think, isn't it? Is that what that means? Apparently, saying Pip Pip as goodbye is also unrecognised by millennials. I mean, I would say it's pretty much unrecognised by anyone outside of a PG Wood house. Yeah, I'd say. I've never heard anyone who wasn't wearing a monocle say goodbye to Pip-Pip.

And I'm including Mr. Peanut from the Planters Peanuts and Chris Eubank. And Jacob Rees-Smolk. You hear it a hell of a lot in the Rees-Smolk household, I reckon. But what it says about it in this article about Pip-Pip, it says it's simulating a car horn, like you're saying goodbye to someone. Oh, that's nice.

The problem's with that. I don't know about you, but for me, a car horn, the onomatopoeia I've always used is bib, bibbing. Who's bibbing their car horn? Oh, if I'm... What would you say? I would say toot. Toot in your tongue?

I would say beep. Beep? It's not a beep. Isn't it interesting that we've all got a different car horn? I'd say... And of course the bloke I mentioned years ago who said you ain't no taunting homo sheriff yourself, the man who wanted to stop swearing

so decided to make up his own swear words that wouldn't be swearing. Was he a friend of our Keith's, this man? No, he was a friend of my mate Jeff back in the black country. And he, just briefly, he decided the best way to stop swearing was to invent some substitute words.

But he had some strange things. And someone was teasing someone for being ugly at work, a bloke at work. That's not very kind. We didn't know then. You could do it then. It was fine. And he said, well, you ain't I know Taunting Omo Sheriff yourself,

meaning Omar Sharif, who was in the good-looking man chair at the time. I mean, this was all. But Taunting being one of his words. And he famously, in the car, someone behind was blasting the horn. Yeah. And he said, who's a fratting pappy? So, yeah, I don't know. That's fratting.

And I'd say bibbing their horn, I would say. Was fratting similar to the sort of Grange Hill? No, no, he just had his own invented word. I think some of his should have really caught on there, great. Oh, yeah, and, you know, it gives you the same rhythm as swearing, but you're not upsetting anyone. Whilst we're discussing phrases which are becoming a little more obsolete,

Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars... He also called someone a taunting joker when he got really upset. Who knows what that means? Well, guess what? So do I now. From this day forward, so do I. But he had to be really upset to get to that level. Taunting Jacob.

Class A made up words. Taunting Jacob. Ultra Magnus has messaged us, as I say, one of our regulars, Morning Magnus, with one of his own phrases that he fears might be in danger of being made obsolete. He's saying whatever happened to being hoisted with your own petard? A great phrase with its origins in medieval siege weaponry. I mean, I would say, what about being hoisted with your own petard?

Still going strong, Al? I think it gets used on this show at least once a week, doesn't it? But we're not typical of the general population. I think I used it fairly recently when I was, well, I had what I can only describe as a stalking incident. And she said, well, you like a prank? You say you like a prank. And I said, I'm iced it by my own petard.

And I'm a bit worried that she might have a petard in her bag. A petard being a bomb. So to be hoisted by your own petard, in case you don't know, is to be blown up by your own petard in case you don't know is to be blown up by your own device i wouldn't say you're i mean i i wouldn't say you're typical of the of every man unless every man is william tyndale in terms of that you see that's it that's it that's it that's it oh come

now stay with us it'll get we'll talk about um uh arge when you come back just to get you all

back on side what's your great rock and roll moment it has to be a moment though you know just a moment I'm gonna to say, and I hope you're,

I think you might agree with this, it's more pop. That's fine, that's fine. We lump them all in together. I would say George Michael in his live performance of Somebody to Love. Oh, yes.

There were quite a few moments in that. Ugh. Would you agree, Frank? Was that a video you sent of them rehearsing, or was that something else? Yeah, there was a... I think YouTube, you can see him rehearsing it with... Yes.

Is it Seal and David Bowie having a cigarette in the corner? Looking... How would you describe their whole... They start off like, oh, rehearsals are so boring, then he starts hitting these notes, and they're looking across going, ooh so i would select somebody too and then um he nails that note there's also there's a great um dun dun dun dun um with a little help from my friends, Joe Cocker. Do you need anybody? What? And then he goes into an amazing Sheffield-tinged scream.

I said that. No, you can say that about Joe Cocker. No, you can say that. Anyway, a great rock and roll moment. We never have any texting like that, do we? No. Because we always do silly things. When did you last wear a monocle or something?

When did you last wear a monocle? We never did when did you last wear a monocle or something? When did you last wear a monocle? We never did when did you last wear a monocle. It's so odd. Oh, yes, as if we'd never do that. We do have some... We did do who's got more money, me or Lee Mack. This morning, right? Yeah.

Still not had much resolution on that. No, I think that was a... If you can have a rhetorical texting. Yeah. Well, if riches were comedy, I'd say you're pretty much even Stevens. Did we find out, though, if they still give a... Thank you for that.

If they... But you're more, obviously. Obviously a little bit more. Yeah, obviously, but I have to, you know... I am an enormous fan of Lee Mack. He's fantastic. So, 454. Yes.

Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Hearing you refer to monocles reminds me of working as a young optician in the late 80s, putting a new lens in a monocle for Dennis Thatcher. He was very pleased with it. That's from Rob. He was a

spectacles wearer, wasn't he, Dennis Thatcher? Only half the time it turns out. I had no idea that he was a monocle. I suppose Margaret said it doesn't look good when we're trying to be down to earth, Dennis, if you wear a monocle. Maybe what you thought were spectacles was actually two monocles.

Yeah, maybe it was the shadow of his monocle being cast across the other eye. He was always lit from the side, Dennis Thatcher. Like there's a story about Marlene Dietrich, the famous German actress who got on set of a film. And they said, right, we'll do the first rehearsal. And she said, just a minute, darling, and walked around and changed all the lights. Oh. Literally went, like, with the spanner

and changed the settings of the lights with the lighting man looking on in horror. And she turned back and looked at him and said, cheekbones, dear. Yeah. I respect her for that. She had got great cheekbones. Well, I reject certain tables

in restaurants you don't if I walk in and the light is terrible I say let's not sit there I prefer to sit in complete gloom nowadays I'm like that you know those people you get on hard hitting

documentaries who are in shadow and they've used the voice of an actor? Yeah. That's the look when I died out. We were talking about bright light or deep light and in restaurants, for example, we have a sort of constant running battle in our house of cath turns the light to sort of moody dim lighting and i like it cranked up to like office strip light level when i get up in the morning um like this morning, I get up, I put the light, I crank the light up full,

and the dog, you don't often see a dog squint, but the dog is honestly doing that, oh, that is actually a bit bright, it's doing that thing with its eyes. The dog is like Marky Smith after a heavy night. Exactly, exactly. There is no Marky Smith that isn't after a heavy night you're talking about.

That's just a chronological fact. You're so right. Just your dog is like Marky Smith. The squinting dog, great name for a pub. Yeah. So other phrases we're talking, aren't we, Al, about phrases that are sort of on the way out. Possibly on the way in.

Yeah, there's... I tell you what you'd never hear now. In fact, one could almost say... Whatever happens to you? Millionaire S. You know, for the female millionaire. Oh, yes. No, you're still...

The term millionaire is still bandied about a lot in the press. But there's obviously a lot of millionaireses. But you would never hear, for example, Claudia Winkleman described as millionaireess Claudia Winkleman. No, no. I don't know why that's gone. I know that things like that actress has been replaced by actor. Actor, yeah.

But you don't even get millionaire Claudia Winkle. And you'd think we should be celebrating, you know, equal pay and all that. Even if you're Googling Claudia Winkle and net worth, it probably still doesn't go up. Exactly. Exactly. That must be wrong. I used to love Tycoon as Carnaby.

Oh, yeah. Magnet. When you say Tycoon, who do you think of? I'll tell you what I think of. Is there a character in the Monopoly board? I think it's the man who represents... What's his name? It's not that guy.

Has he got a monocle? Well, interesting. I think it was one of those strange things where everyone thought he had, I believe it's called the Mandela Effect, isn't it? People believed he had a monocle, but he actually didn't. It's like people used to say to me, you get through quite a lot of beer on fantasy football.

Yeah, that's Mandela Effect. Because it was a bit laddish, they just assumed that that happened. Another Mandela effect. I thought I saw demon eyes at the end of Rosemary's Baby. There were no demon eyes. Why is it the Mandela? What is it about Mandela?

It's a long story. Oh, OK. Is it the long story to freedom? Big Shot, of course, is my favourite, by the way, of the rich people. Go on. I just love Big Shot, of course, is my favourite, by the way, of the rich people. Go on. I just love Big Shot. I believe it's called the Mandela Effect because someone thought that... It was something to do with...

A mass group of people thought something had happened to do with Nelson Mandela and it turned out like you drinking beer. I mean, it's a strange comparison to make. OK. It was not true. Oh, okay. Well, that's even more intriguing. What about...

Impresario, I love as well. Oh, I love Impresario. You know what I love about Impresario, best of all, it's got the word impress in it. Yeah. Which is what they're up to. So many linguistic riches out there. I think we can't replace them all with now, though.

We've been talking about these outdated phrases, and I think I use regularly a phrase that nearly got outdated but is still alive and with us. I use the phrase act your age not your shoe size. I actually use it in one of my bits of stand up at the moment

as well but I'm not speaking as me at that point. It's kind of hypothetical reported speech I suppose you'd say. But I like act your age, not your shoe size. And one of the reasons I think it would have got phased out is if we hadn't left the European Union because it wouldn't work in EU sizes, would it? Or 43 and stuff.

Yeah, exactly. It didn't work at the big shoe shop at the bottom of my road for oversized feet well can I say I mourn those days because I will forever be 36 at least

I'm a 43 I think what are you Al? I'm a 44 I think which is a 10 isn't it you big boys if I'm being immature and someone says stop acting your shoe size it's definitely better

if it's 10 what's your shoe size 8, 12, 15 that's the sort of text that I like that would be the jewel in the crown if this was capital well it was Tom Jones they'd be pleased with that I remember Tom, no William Tyndale mentions there.

No. I remember... I think it was Tom Jones, wasn't it, who said, at your age, Mama, not your shoe size. Maybe we can do the 12. Is it in a song? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. Is it in Kiss? Which he's sort of appropriated for himself, let's be honest. Right. Yeah, OK. Another interesting thing in this article is it claims that the phrase a sandwich short of a picnic

is really recent and it reckons that it's in it's a Lenny Henry spoof song from like 1987 or something. I would have thought that was really early. I'd have thought he was referencing it not inventing it. I would have thought that was really early. I'd have thought he was referencing it,

not inventing it. I think that was the Theophilus P. Wildebeest. Do you may recall? I do, I do recall. I'll tell you what else crops up in the phrases set to be made obsolete. Is, know your onions.

And this makes me sad. You're not a fan of The Onion, are you? Well, not a fan. Satan's Root, as I call it. What I... Despite... That's what I call the M25. That needs something.

Come on, that needs something. That needs... Attention must be paid. that needs attention must be paid there you go oh I love Satan's Root is it No Uranians

I say he's a very funny man Frank Skinner well thank you so much I'm going to use that on my publicity one of my favourite there was a TV show

called No Uranians if I remember rightly was it with Jack Demania what about, if I remember rightly. Was it with Jack D'Amanio? What about that? What's happened to this show? Is it like the last days of Pompeii? Say anything you want to say. What about when Frank McClintock said to me,

I found myself in a box with him. Did you really? Yes. I won't go into the details. No. And he said we were talking about former Arsenal players and he said i'll tell you what this lady knows her onions i like this lady yeah lovely use of the word lady what about when i was in the sahara desert and there was a sandstorm this is true there was a sandstorm and i saw this figure in like shockingly white Arabic clothing wrapped right around his face.

A tall figure coming through the sort of orange landscape from this sandstorm. And when he got close, he pulled the club down and it was Terry Neal, Arsenal and Northern Ireland central defender. Wow. Yeah, that was a great moment. I think he told me to go to his sports bar. Just took the edge off it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hold it.

Me smoothies in the bright sunlight, that's going to bobble up nicely. This is Frank Skinner. As far as I can remember, on Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm with Emily, Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show, if anyone can follow this show, on Twitter and Instagram, at. Follow the show, if anyone can follow this show, on Twitter and Instagram,

at Frank on the Radio. And email the show via... What, Frank? Via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. You just paused to burp. I'm sorry, that was awful. I apologise to all our listeners. Yes.

Steve Myers. You were just referring to your smoothie. Do you know Steve Myers? Thanks for the tip. Yeah, go on, my smoothie. Steve Myers, do you have... It's not a euphemism. I like that Frank's turning into some George Formby song.

Sorry. Do you have any updates on the smoothie situation? I remember from previous podcasts, Frank was quite disappointed with them. And I wondered if you still use that particular vendor or if they've gone out of business due to the poor reviews. Well, I have in my right hand a bottle of Grassroots. All right, Chamberlain. Which is the brand name.

Yeah. Cold-p pressed, apparently. I have no idea what that means. Or we'll get text. Cold pressed as opposed to the sort of Corby Troser press which he's up with. Pressed has really come into vogue recently. The pressing game.

That's a new football thing you hear said a lot. Anyway, listen. So the one I've got, and we may have had this one before, is a strawberry, banana and mango smoothie. You got those three? Strawberry, banana, mango. Ingredient, orange juice, 67%. Do I need to go any further?

And a little afterthought may contain nuts and celery. Disgusting. Celery? No, I mean, may contain nuts. Yeah, exactly. As I've always said, eating a stick of celery is like eating a violin. What animal sits in the celery eating chair? Ooh.

I think there is one, is there not? Is there? I can't picture... What animal sits in the carrot eating chair? Well, that's the rabbit, presumably. Oh, I thought it would have gone donkey. Oh, yeah. Presumably slugs or worms can enjoy the celery because it's like a sort of a log flume or a slide for them.

Oh, when you say enjoy, I can't imagine a slug saying, do you know what, I really enjoyed that. No one's ever enjoyed celery. No slug has ever enjoyed anything in their life. It is no coincidence that the word celery is so close to the word cutlery because celery is basically the thing that you use to scoop out the nice-tasting dip.

But celery itself, apart from the noise, you know, it contributes nothing. Oh, well, you say that, but what about a Wardle salad? Yeah, but only because it's masked heavily by its accomplices. I mean, you wouldn't... Accomplices! There's not... If you had one without it,

I don't think anything would be lost. That's my celery there, summed up on Absolute Radio. I tell you what I don't like. My clickbait. I fall for that. You'll never believe what this woman looks like now. Those, I don't even look at those.

That's really unpleasant. What, you mean people get older? Who knew? But what I mean is shock signing at West Brom. Oh, my God. Callum Robinson, West Brom midfielder, signed autographs for an old age pension. Oh, that's...

Oh, that. I really hate that. Listen, I was... They ought to be banged to rights. I don't know what that means. The people say... It was one of the absolute phrases. Banged to rights.

What on earth does it mean? I don't know, but I think you and R was one of the absolute phrases. Banned to rights. What on earth does it mean? I don't know, but I think you and R. Keith are the only people that still say it. I don't think I say it. Too late, I've said it. R. Keith still says Gogglebox. He does say Gogglebox, yeah. But not about the TV show, about the television.

What context would he say then? He'd say... He's saying I was watching the Gogglebox last night. I think he would. I don't want to put words in our Keith's mouth. I love our Keith. I love our Keith. At Sycamore Flint, Frank.

Sycamore Flint, yeah. What is that fabulous song from musical theatre about Sycamore? Is it from Oklahoma? Oh, no, it's Seymour, isn't it? Oh, OK. It's like Seymour's here or something no, it's Seymour, isn't it? Oh, OK. It's like Seymour's here or something. Feed me Seymour. What is it?

Feed me Seymour. Is this from Little Shop of Horrors? It might, but it's sort of Seymour's here, so great. I'm mad. At Sycamore Flint, obsolete sayings. Is it true that only teachers ever said, woe betide? Oh, yeah.

And do they still say it? No, they don't say it. Is it still taught in teacher training? No. No, it's gone. That question to the only former teacher among us, Frank Skinner. I think the leather elbow pad is also gone.

And I think, I'm not sure bad breath is as popular amongst teachers as it used to be. Everything's changing. Here's what, I'm not sure bad breath is as popular amongst teachers as it used to be. Everything's changing. Here's what, I want to ask you about a couple of terms that, not that they've gone out, but they never quite made it. And there's one I heard referred to recently,

thousands on a raft. Do you know that? No. Thousands on a raft was a term for beans on toast oh and it's actually in a kinks song called

motorway food motorway food is the worst in the world never taste food like I taste it on the motorway motorway food

is the worst in the world and I used to think it meant hundreds and thousands you know those little coloured things you used to get

on sprinklings used to get on... Sprinklings. Used to get them on white buttons, white chocolate buttons. There was, Frank, there was an Americanism in American diner culture of Adam and Eve on a

raft, which was two poached eggs on toast. There you go. Why poached eggs though? Should have been an apple. Apple on toast. Because it's represented by the two eggs. That's funny, because I heard someone in an American diner in Cleveland use the term cackleberries, which means eggs. Oh.

Because chickens cackle. Oh, I see. Okay. But that didn't catch on either. Carmen in sunny... Is it Woburn Sands, you say, Frank? Woburn? Yeah.

If you like. I just don't know if that's... Is that sort of near your area, Woburn? No. Oh, where's Woburn? Oh, it's an abbey, so I associate it with you. Okay. 424.

I love celery. Voice of controversy but let's continue chopped up thin grated cheese and thrown in some shredded salad what's not to like Frank that's from Carmen in sunny Wobensand

again though accompanied by things with flavour it's like being sneaked into a gig, you know what I mean? Surrounded by an entourage of stuff like cheese and salad dressing. Also, I bet if we look,

what is her name? Carmen. If we look up Carmen Woburn, we'll find something like CEO Celery Marketing Board. Just try Googling that. That's my prediction. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Al? Yes. 507. Let's discuss. I like this. So do I. Would you like me to read it to Frank? I would, thank you.

Okay. Dear Frank, re-obsolete sayings my grandmother used to say punch has done dancing when it was too late to do or say something akin to the train has left the station gran was a londoner i presume the phrase came from the dance that mr punch did at the end of a punch and Judy show. I hadn't heard the phrase for 30 years until my cousin told me her mum used it too. Inherited from Gran, I guess. Cheers, Cole. Punch has done dancing.

You're our Punch and Judy expert on the show. I've never... It's the sort of old-school Elvis has left the building, Punch has done dancing. It's a bit like I don't know if you can still say this but it's a quote It ain't over It ain't over till the fat lady sings

It's a bit of a version of that Yeah But I've never heard Punch has done dancing But I do I've written that down Do you like it? Naughty naughty What's weird is that this article that says that something like 78% of the people didn't understand these phrases,

and I thought, well, actually, my speech is about 78% these phrases. Do people still say ignorance is bliss? Yes. Largely the ignorant. Ignorance is bliss, I think, used to mean that if you didn't know something, like if somebody was, you know, slagging you off and you didn't know about it, it wouldn't hurt you. Yeah.

So it's fine. Then I think it got a bit darker and came to suggest that stupid people, they're the only people capable of true happiness. Yes. There's some truth in that. Intelligence brings a certain pain. Yes. And I think it probably is true that the only pop star brothers

who don't hate each other are Jedward. Yeah. And that does seem to, you know, I'm not saying it backs it up, but, I mean, one could bring that in as Exhibit I. Yes. If there was a court case about whether or not ignorance was bliss. We've also had 774 has got in touch, Frank.

Morning, Frank and the team. Definitions from my childhood. We were talking earlier about Adam and Eve on a raft. Be earlier about um adam and eve on a raft beans on toast skinheads on a raft oh so not thousands on a raft okay she's then shared another one which is somewhat uh inappropriate for this time of the morning so we'll discuss that well i mean you think referencing a violent subculture is okay. Well, excuse me, man whose first love in literature was Frank? Was it my first love? But we did all read the book Skinhead.

Skinhead Escapes. Skinhead Escapes was the sequel to Skinhead. What was his trajectory? He was merely Suedehead, was he? Was that different? Suedehead was further along. And Boot Boys, I think that was when heede head was he was that different suede head was further along and boot boys I think was

I think that was when he knew it was all he was done I don't like the sound of boot boys I think the whole series ended with

side parting didn't it yeah side parting and a mortgage as I once as I once heard of

skinheads I have I generally I have number one which is like really, generally I have number one, which is really, really short. I have number one or number two for court appearances. I was saying in a dressing room last weekend that I find myself declaring the road to hell is paved with good intentions quite a lot these days. And somebody else said, oh, I like no good deed goes unpunished.

So I think he and I are on a similar trajectory these days. And my dad's reason for not voting Labour was if you put a beggar on horseback he'll ride into hell. Something you never hear on party political broadcasts. Yeah, that's not on the Daily Politics. No, never.

I don't think that exists anymore. A beggar. Some other phrases that were on the obsolete list were spend a penny well you can see why that might have gone because people don't

I think if you go to do you have to pay at women's toilets as well? I never pay anywhere do you pay at women's toilets? I don't really know I don't really know. I don't know. Do not, Mavis.

Emily doesn't pay because she lies on the floor and just does a commando role under the, you know, those sort of turnstiles. She shuffles on her elbows right through. The reason I don't really know is because I'm... Oh oh I don't want to boast

Go on. I've got quite I'd say I've got reasonable control Oh. Don't leave it there. In that area. It's something I've always heard. I've got reasonable control and it's 20 pence. You'd be surprised. Can you imagine what Alan could go three days? Oh Alan will go a week.

I'll even think about it. I pre-plan it. I wear a nappy everywhere I go. Yeah. For example, this is. Yeah, so I can see why that's gone, because it's not a penny. No one would ever.

There's no, there is no vending machine now, is there, that would require a penny to get you into a place. But there are numerous things that we no longer do, and yet the phrase remains. Now, I know a relatively, I'd say he's quite a famous comedy writer. We'll discuss him off air. Who said that was a deal breaker for him. He was on a date with a lady.

A lady. Yeah. And it was actually going okay. And then she visited the latrines and said, well, I'm just going to pop off and spend a penny and he left. He said, I can't date someone that says that. Oh, that's harsh.

Oh, I thought it was just that she was obviously a bit flagrant with money and he thought we're incompatible. Those are your deal breakers, Alan. Or it was a hint that maybe he should pay. The old-fashioned style. The old-fashioned style. The old ways.

I'd be like, shall we go Dutch on this? We'll pay half a pence each. Have we? They've gone, haven't they? Half a pence. They've gone. Yeah, they've gone.

I miss the half, P. What do you think? Well, you would do with your constitution. I'm afraid I find it very hard to put the handbrake on at that stage. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've decided I love T-Rex. I saw them at the Birmingham Odeon in about 1971.

And the screaming was so loud that it provided a sort of psychedelic backdrop sound to the whole gig. And it sort of, the sound moved around the theatre like a big sort of cyclone of noise okay musical reminiscences here on absolutely a review of a show Frank so in 1971 I think it was 71 it was certainly I remember people queued overnight for tickets and me and my mate Fez just turned up on the morning and walked straight to the front of the queue and nobody stopped us.

And it's a good musical memory. Mine is Bob Hoskins as Nathan Detroit. Yeah, Nathan Detroit, I think he was. In Guys and Dolls, National Theatre production. Guys and Dolls. Yeah. I mean, I had no control over this. I was taken by my parents, but I saw some good stuff.

I queued for 18 hours in pouring rain to see the Rolling Stones at the Goat's Head Soup tour. And we played cards on the pavement of New Street in Birmingham. And it rained so much that about six hours in the cars physically disintegrated it was we were playing with papi amache if ever there was a story that needed a golf umbrella that's it yeah you're right we didn't have one sat under it happy as larry couldn't you he's happy as larry still afraid i just i think it uh yeah i like that from larry olivier who was here now i should do it in my family larry grayson was always very happy I think it, yeah. I like that. Did that come from Larry Olivier? Who was he?

No, I shouldn't think so. Well, it did in my family. Larry Grayson was always very happy. He was happier, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So, oh, Curtain Twitcher is out. Oh, Curtain Twitcher, yeah. Which is a shame, as I feel I've reached that stage in life

when I can finally embrace my inner Curtain Twitcher. I've come at the age where I can become a curtain twitcher. What do they call him now? A blind parter. Yeah. Why don't the young people like a curtain? It's still used this way. It's because they don't have curtains. They have black

bin liners and things. I was driving in this morning listening to Magic at the musicals. Which is, I must say, my station of choice in the car. Interesting. It's all right, it's a bower. OK. Oh, that's funny.

It's in the bower house, as I would like to call it. And they played the Deadwood stage, which has got the lyrics to the Deadwood Stage by Doris Day. So it begins, the Deadwood Stage is coming on over the plane with the curtains flapping and the driver slapping the reins. It's just beautiful. Lovely. Anyway, what else? We're nearly there.

Yeah. Al? We're nearly there. Yeah. Al? Well, we've had a wide-ranging show, including discussion of how much you and Lee Mack might be worth and various goalkeepers and cooking. And Ian Angle has texted one of his jokes,

I wonder what is Neville Southall's net worth, which I think is a really well put together joke, given that... Neville Southall's net worth, which I think is a really well put together joke, given that... Neville Southall's net worth, because of the net element. Yeah, because he was a goalkeeper. And, I mean, I've not helped it by waiting for two hours before getting the chance to read it. You got joke, was it short or joke, of the Edinburgh Festival?

With your keeper joke? I don't think I did, but I did have a goalkeeper reference. Yeah, I don't think I did but I did have a goalkeeper reference, yeah. I don't think I won it. I think I was, actually I think I was joint something with Simon Munnery. I think I remember it Al, you saw a woman with big gloves on and you thought she's a keeper, was that

right? Something like that? First date yeah. Ah great, it's a great joke. March Stolen. Neville Southall, isn't he? Wasn't his autobiography called the Bin Man Diaries? Because he'd been a bin man previously. I love it. Absolutely fabulous.

Anyway, I think we move to the end. On that bombshell. I think it's the bin man. It's the bin man something, anyway. That's the key element. Episode five of my poetry podcast will be out on Wednesday. Who are we doing this week?

Nick Laird. Oh, of course, Nick Laird. Nick Laird is a very, very fine poet, and I'll be looking, which is about a typewriter, actually, coincidentally. All links. Anyway, you can catch up on the first four podcasts now from wherever you get your podcasts.

Look, thank you so much for listening today. Basically, Ponch has done dancing. But you know what? The good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.