The Frank Skinner Show - Day Owls

Episode Date: June 20, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. The team bring you another show working from home - direct from the linen basket! Frank has been out and about this week and has discovered a problem. The team also discus Robbie Williams’ daily routine, vivid lockdown dreams and OOO emails.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can not text the show today because I'm afraid we're not live, so you'd be throwing your money into an enormous abyss. Nevertheless, you can still follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram or email us via the Absolute Radio website. Hello, guys. Hello. Morning.

So first things first, any news on the pneumonia mnemonic? Do you remember, regular readers will know that I asked someone if they could put together a mnemonic, which is a thing, as I'm sure many of you know, that helps you to remember things, but base it on the initials of Nemone, the Radio 1 DJ's name, because it sounds a bit like mnemonic. Anyone ever answer that? Well, no, to be completely blunt with you. However, we've had some other good things in, including a photograph of a Perrier can aeroplane,

which they thought you needed to see in reference to the overt recycling topic. Overt recycling, yeah, when you can still see what the original item was quite deliberately. Yes. It's in the same school as the Coke can racing car. Well, actually, a particularly odd example, which I can't help but think has been knocked up just for our entertainment in a couple of minutes before being sent to us, is at Heggie, who sent us a photograph of photograph of best example is my shower pump candelabra

and it is pretty much what it says on the tin it's a shower a black ip song what is a shower pump i think it's the pump that forces the water on a shower, perhaps on a mobile shower, like in a caravan. No one's ever seen one of those. That could just be a chandelier. It looks like a bit of industrial. It looks not a million miles from being like a car battery with four candles stuck on top of it. Four candles? Four candles.

Write that down. There's something in that. Yeah, we're doing a lot of the classic comedy today aren't we i um i've been um i was i had a an offer to if i would like free healthy food uh for a period of time that arrives in boxes every morning and in a breakfast lunch. Are you sure it was meant to have your name on it, Frank? Well, I thought it's hard because obviously they said,

you know, but you have to mention it on social media. And I thought, what are you talking about, social media? And anyway, so I said, yeah, I'll do it. And they sent me, you know, I can have the 1200 calories a day, the 1800 calories, the vegan and all that. And I saw the list. And I think this is a post lockdown thing. I saw the list.

I had to fill in like five things and then I'd have free food for whatever it was a week or so and i thought oh i can't be bothered with it so i haven't done it i said just cancel it i can't too much faff really but you don't want to feel that i just think lockdown has been so sort of easy in that not having to do all that sort of stuff. Yeah. And I don't want to go back to it, really. You know, I can buy food. At this point in my life, I can buy food. Yeah.

I've had a lot of money come in. I've had a lot of money come in this way. I don't know if I told you, I own the image rights on the fingers crossed emoji. Oh! Which has been, I never thought it would take off like it has on the fingers crossed emoji. Oh! Which has been, I never thought it would take off like it has in the last three months. That's done really well.

Oh, man, we're raking it in. I'm really glad you turned it down, Frank, because I don't see you as a sort of, you know, grains for tweets type character. No, but you know what? I like the idea that people look at me and think and that sentence there I might start I might try and eat what that guy eats thought that well actually I I did that time that you ordered bone marrow as a starter that's one of the most disgusting things I've ever had in my life.

I think every bit of meat I've eaten with a bone in, I've been that close to disgustingness. Terrible, fatty. Honestly, you know in those zombie films when they eat people's entrails still steaming. I would prefer that

to ever again eat bone marrow. I don't suppose either of you guys have got an electric fire or a gas fire in your homes, have you? I don't like to show off, but we do have a gas fire in our home, yes. Okay. Can I ask you a question?

One of those, you know, made to look like an oldie fireplace mine's a bit more modern but with the square yes i have one can i ask you a question something that um i had completely forgotten in fact this ought to be do you remember we used to play um whatever happened to yeah um as a as a game on the show and you'd i'd play that little bit from the stranglers i'm gonna try and do it live uh because we don't know i don't have access to jingles um i bet dave berry does but you know i accept there's a pecking order in all organizations here goes whatever happened to and then we'd say i'd say whatever happened to, and then I'd say whatever happened to. This is tied to electric and gas fires. Whatever happened to, and if you guys tell me you still do this, I'd be very happy.

Whatever happened to people having a bowl of water next to the gut to keep the room moist, the atmosphere of the room moist? Very good. Is that still a thing that people do? I don't think that should have ever been a thing, but I'm pretty sure it's no longer a thing. Well, it used to evaporate. I can say it must have gone somewhere.

Also, I associate these modern gas fires, Frank, with your bachelor pads, you know, with one flick of the remote and then suddenly the ring of flame comes on and next thing you know, you know, the lady's in the mood. That's what I associate the gas fire with these days. I fell into one of those ring of flames.

Oh yeah, how was that? How was that? Well, the flames went higher and higher. Etc. Yeah, well, I think it can still work in a bachelor pad. I like the idea of steadily unbuttoning someone's satin

shirt and then saying, hold it right there, I've just got to top the water up adjacent to my gas fire. What do we want to do? Dehydrate! I associate the modern versions of these with the like the little pile of fake coals ours has got a pile of fake coals and if it's disturbed i think you're supposed to put them back in a particular order and then we don't we just jumble them back on top. So it's probably really risky.

Question, are they loose, the coals, rather than fitted with the orange underglow, which were the fires of my life? I think they're like a combination of the two. There's definitely a looseness where they can kind of jiggle about a bit. But there's a jigsaw element to this, where they have to go back in the correct position. Yes, exactly.

That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard in my life. That's all we've been doing. If you put them back in the wrong order, does the floor open up and knives shoot out of the walls and stuff like in those old movies when you had to steal the idol's jewel?

That's how we've spent 90% of lockdown is trying to put the coals back on the fire in the right order it sounds uh it's god you know i remember joan of arc telling me exactly that um it must have been i also missed frank three years ago the foam sort of cloaks or coats that the uh was it the immersion heater or the boiler would have over them? Oh, I love those. Don't they still do that? No, not at all, dear. I think they still have like a parker jacket type thing.

Yeah, exactly. No, they go commando now, the boilers. And me in lockdown. Honestly, I think I've worn boxers shorts twice since early March. Oh, no. People having their breakfast as well. It's just really unnecessary in lockdown. You are.

Yeah. The last thing that's happened is a lockdown. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, tremendous news. We've gone from four alert to three alert. Have we? Yeah. Did you not know?

No. Congratulations, everyone. We've been so good at the social distancing and stuff that yeah, we've been awarded with going down a notch, which is great news. This is the first time I've found this show to be an actual public good in a way. What was the time

when Arj... Remember when Arj went missing and we announced on the show that he'd been found? I thought that was the only time I've ever been in any sort of rolling news situation. It was great. I believe. I've been Kay Burley but less menacing. I believe what you actually said was Arge once was lost but now is found. Well yeah and it was uh I don't I don't know if he's, does he remain found or is he, I don't know.

I've certainly lost him. Yeah, I don't think he's with the GC anymore, though. I'm not quite sure. It's very on and off, their relationship. With the GC, I forgot that. It's best to keep them together. Well, I remember seeing a clip and she took off a sort of robe and she said, take a look at this candy because you ain't ever getting this oh yeah who was she talking to the uh the guy

who appeared in the latest series of bonanza candy after um adam car trite played by pernell Roberts left. Probably not. So I've been sort of going out and stuff. Have you? Yeah. Did you not see me at the Churchill statue? No, that's a joke. That's a joke. I tell you what I did. I went to church this week because you're allowed to now.

Are you? How are you? For private worship. All right, Al. We've all had a drink, mate. Do you socially distance then in the church, Frank? Yeah, well, when you're going in, it's not a mass. So, you know, there's not that many people piling in to pray mid-afternoon. But it was, look, what can I say it was great but I am I realized I went in a shop and I realized

I'd completely forgotten I have two credit cards I'd completely forgotten both of the pin numbers I have two credit cards not 50 cent yeah exactly I haven't used either of them for like whatever it is two three months I just forgot completely I've forgotten the numbers so I had to abandon I've got some cash as soon as that runs out I'm finished. I just I do not know what my I mean no I can't remember anything that I don't do for two or three months. Keep it clean. Trying. Yes.

You guys, have you been using your PIN numbers? I've been doing Tappy Pay. You know the Tappy Pay? Tappy Pay? You know that thing where you tap it and that just takes the money off? Contactless, he means. I haven't really been out? Contactless, he means. I haven't really been out, you see, that much.

So anyway, that's gone. Haven't really spent money, it seems. In fact, I went to go out. That's what this is about. I hadn't actually got shoes on. I thought, hold on. I'm going to need shoes. Happily, the ones I picked up, the laces were already tied so I didn't have to go through

that I'm going to have to relearn I don't know if it's an age thing but I'm going to have to relearn quite a bit post lockdown I've just gone to seed completely so

how to spend money with Frank Skinner I'd buy that in what way will you be a different person after lockdown 8 12 15 um don't text him today by the way because um if you take if you're texting today you're wasting your money but uh i'd love to know what people are going to have to relearn maybe it's just me i don't. I went into a chemist, for example. No. And... Oh, thanks. Oh, no, I can't tell it.

Forget it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, though. I would love to hear from any of our readers that still keep a dish of water next to the gas or electric fire. I'd like to know. I feel there should be some sort of survey done along the lines of the coronavirus testing.

I want to know how many are out there so we can... I can say on next week's show. So if we look at this first slide, please, and then I'll talk about the charts. Also, I would like to actually say I will award some sort of prize if there is a gen z reader with a bowl of water they get extra points if there's a young person with that I'd be am I amazed if there's a young person with a gas or electric fire to be honest they're a bit student bed sit 1979 aren't they yeah i'm going off my

own personal experience yeah on your um on your question before about what we might have to relearn on coming out of lockdown i think uh i think for me it might have to be driving properly because i've hardly driven maybe once a week if that since lockdown and I have noticed because the roads have been empty that I'm not indicating as much as I used to before turning is that is that a thing I find um I mean you're an interesting combination of the um the physically powerful and the internally sensitive. Thank you. But I'll take that. But I find a lot of what I would call testosterone-fueled men

regard indicating in any form as a sign of weakness. Yes, they see it as a moral failure, don't they? Yeah. I'm not sure i come in that category of testosterone fueled men no i think you know you wouldn't have to step far you can you can see the postcode from where you are but i'd rather you didn't but no they never they never indicate pardon that i've got the numbers of those men whilst not being one of them. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure you know. Ask your friends at the gym how many of them indicate.

Oh, Frank. I'll bet you they do. They're the same men that would put the arm across the passenger seat whilst reversing, just using the wrist and palm as a sort of disc to reverse on the steering wheel. I saw a guy do that. I was on a car park and he was really swearing in the car about the fact that somebody had parked slightly over the line

and made a very narrow gap. He got kids in the car and stuff. I decided not to say anything because he looked like a man capable of great violence. And then he did. He started suddenly circulating the right hand. I think the idea is you use, I don't know what part of that hand is called, but at the very base of the fingers. Do you know what I mean?

If you bend your fingers back, you commit that like a really, Do you know what I mean? There's a sort of, if you bend your fingers back, you commit that like a really, and it went round and round and he shot it backwards into this space. I mean, I felt like applauding, but again, he might have thought I was being ironic. He wouldn't have identified it like that verbally, but he felt something in the deep recesses of his animalistic innards

that I was taking the mickey out of him. But it was an incredible... It was like... I mean, if he'd done it... If it could have been staged on Britain's Got Talent, I think he would have got through to the next round. It's an incredible piece of parking. Yes.

But it was completely fuelled by rage. But it's the best example of the spinning uh wheel hand in cairo where traffic is the worst i've ever seen they have little handles fitted to the the tops of their um so they can do that spinning thing and it leaves the other hand free for blasting the horn continually in traffic it's's really something else. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, you know, I've been doing a lot of homeschooling just lately,

which has been one of the most stressful things. A career of live comedy, some 30 years, has been less stressful. If I was to put all the stress into a bag I think there'd be less stress than there is from three months of homeschooling nevertheless I am I was listening in today at the other day and one of the kids was demonstrating how to make a scrambled egg which i thought was brilliant for an eight year old i certainly couldn't do that i couldn't do that now i don't that's not a joke and he started he was mixed he was mixing it round and the teacher said this is something i overheard

the teacher said yeah you have to be very careful daniel or it can become an omelette. And I thought, wow, that's never occurred to me before. But what is this? What is this mythical line, this equatorial line that separates a scrambled egg from... What happens that makes a scrambled egg become an omelette? Discuss. Alan, do you want to deal with this or shall I? Yeah, I think I will.

I think I'm going to... If you don't scramble it, then it just firms up and becomes an omelette. Do you see? I mean, it's very simple, Frank. Whereas if you stir it, it becomes scrambled egg. The clue is actually in the title. So the scrambling happens in the frying pan, does it?

Yeah. It's the cooking process, exactly. Why would anyone do that? What, the scrambling? Well, not just let it become an omelette. Love a scrambled. I don't like an omelette. An omelette is so much easier to handle.

You know, it holds together a lot more. But it doesn't look as visually appealing. I mean, a scrambled egg on a bagel. Hang on, you mind your turn. Scrambled egg on a bagel, Al, compared to an omelette that looks like an old shoe. I don't like that. It's like a disappointing pancake, an omelette.

No, I've only learnt omelettes during lockdown and it's been one of the things that's changed for the best for me. Is that why you keep calling it on lockdown wow wow i mean congratulations i hope you haven't overreached and pulled a muscle just putting some deep heat straight on my back but it's never occurred to me that something could happen in the process where the the scramble there could become the omelette i thought you had to decide from the beginning we did have some reviews of your omelette making after you posted some uh photographs on the socials oh i got i got

criticism for putting it in yeah i'm afraid you did i didn't want to raise it but um well i kind of did i thought i thought it was a funny decision. Yeah, I know. Well, who cares what you eat it out of? You're right. That's why I have cereal on a plate every morning. Exactly. And also, I don't use that bowl. I'm looking for a use for that bowl since I don't leave it full of water next to my electric fire.

I wonder what happened to all those bowls were they cast out or people thought no you can still eat out of it it'll be fine did they feel it's somehow part of the gas electricity industry because it was used as an accompaniment it's a bit like

they often say thoroughbred race horses when they travel they put like a donkey in with them as some sort of company Thoroughbred racehorses when they travel, they put like a donkey in with them or something some sort of company I think the bowl of water Oh that's nice, I worry that's my role on this show

Oh come on I noticed it went a bit silent after one oh come on No I was thinking lions led by donkeys that's what this show is. And I'm very much in the in the braying section. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You cannot text the show at the moment. Just don't. We're not live. But you can still follow us at Frank on the Radio on Twitter and Instagram and email us via the Absolute Radio website.

That would be okay. Yes. Yes. Now, the outside world, a place it's becoming more familiar, but I'd still love to hear from it. OK, well, do you remember we were talking about Flake Ice, well, specifically the 99 ice cream, Frank, last week? I was talking about an ice cream van where it was called, it was basically that there was a biro written sign in the window. And it said, I think it was ice cream cone with chocolate flake bar inserted was what it said.

And when he explained to me, he couldn't use the term 99 because it was a rights issue. Can you believe that? I think we were... Can I just, for a second, when people ever say it's a rights issue, you can't do that because they own the image rights and all that. Have they ever been to a fairground

where you get those like terrible paintings of Donald Duck? Donald Duck looking like really thin. No real tail thing. And like quite thick jawed Mickey Mouse, like a sort of a Mickey Mouse in the sort of like a David Coulthard type shape. No one, where's the Disney legal people? Don't they ever go to fairs in England?

I think they're too busy. Disney legal people. Can you imagine? Yeah, I got a busy I've got the Hempstead Fair and then the lawyers. I'm gonna write to Disney and I say I'm gonna drive send a couple of your legal people over give me like five five grand say and I'll drive them all around Britain. Five grand? Britain. That's quite a lot, Frank.

I know, but what they'll make in royalties. Whilst we're on the subject of fairgrounds, what's your worst fair ride? To you first, Alan Cochran. Oh, probably the waltzes. That's beneath you doesn't yeah or anything heights I'm not great with heights. Okay if I was you I wouldn't go to fairgrounds if you don't like all the waltzes. I love fairs but I hate speed and heights so Frank Skinner I went uh to the fair at Portobello near Edinburgh and I went on the waltzers and the guys said to me it's quiet today so you can have a double ride and he basically

span us me and these uh three women he basically span us for the whole ride and when I got off there my legs literally didn't, I couldn't stand upright. But the thing about coming off the waltzes is I think everyone gets a bit, it's sort of okay. But I once at Disneyland Paris got a bit queasy on the teacups. Oh, you did? You know those big teacups that you can sit in, like the Mad Hatter's Teapot? And you don't want to be coming off there looking green around the gills

and a bit dizzy. That is so cute. Oh, no, it was embarrassing. I don't think I've ever found one of your stories cute before. No, I know there are many cute ones. I like, I favour obscene in my private life. Oh, God. But obviously that's not appropriate in the current climate

what about you emily well i mean all of them but um dodgems oh my god i mean it's oh yeah it's like you've been in a car accident because you have 40 times over you just can't it's like well why would you want to be in a car accident? No one wakes up and thinks, oh, I really want to know what it feels like to be in a car accident. It's horrible. I hate the dodgems and I hate those ones who are the mates of the men who run it, who hang on the cars. And you think, do you work here? Are you just like the man at the front of the bus? What I like about the dodgems is i would say i can't remember the last time i drove anywhere and didn't at some point think i would love to just drive into that block

just head on now so it's nice to get that out of my system in some sort of legitimate arena but uh oh i think that one day i'm gonna get i get a car that's really, you know, it's got one MOT left that it's never going to get through. And I'm just going to drive around waiting for somebody to behave badly. And I'm going to power in. I'm going to power straight. Just to see their stupid face, the shock on their stupid faces. Emily I think I might have you were talking about 99 ice creams and then we ended up at the fairground I don't know quite how that happened but do continue so often happens yes we were talking about that and I believe we asked at one point, we were putting it out there that, you know, we didn't know where the name 99 had derived from.

Lord St. John, at Lord St. John, has responded and said, Frank, the 99 is so called as the catering flake is 99 millimetres long. The catering flake yeah i was a bit suspicious of this so i decided to go forensic and i looked up why is a 99 ice cream so called that was a slow night yeah um and it's for this reason apparently this seat there are all sorts of explanations but this seems to be the the most valid one and it's for this reason apparently, there are all sorts of explanations but this seems to be the most valid one and it's to do with the fact that obviously it was Italians in this who brought over ice cream here

or it was the 50s wasn't it and in Italy the king originally had a guard, a special elite guard consisting of 99 soldiers so subsequently anything special or first class was known as a 99. Oh, wow.

I quite like that. The King's Guard. I mean, it wasn't like one of the most complicated decisions, was it? We get an ice cream, what if we put a flake, something else that people really like, if we put one of those in as well? That's like saying if we put hundreds and thousands on top or something, all that red syrupy stuff that you never see anywhere else in the world.

Yeah, but they are lovely. Can I say, I bet there isn't probably another presenter in commercial radio who would pronounce that St John. Oh, sorry. No, no, I'm commending you for that. Oh, good, thank you. They'd have said St John. Yeah, I know.

We've also had a bit of feedback on the joke name pronunciation strand of inquiry that we were running last week. Like when people say Stratford-U-Pon-of-On. Yes. Stratford-On-Avon. Johnny Vickers has contributed, there's an old theatre story that supposedly an Australian actor, when telling his British friends where he was touring to,

mentioned that his tour was going to mentioned excuse me mentioned that his tour was going to Lugabaruga turned out he was talking about Loughborough I've used it ever since I heard that story yeah it's um the good thing about that is Lugabaruga really sounds like it would be a place in Australia doesn't it it It's got everything It really does, you flaming mongrels coming over here from Lugabaruga it's so outback Frank It's just that when I think of Loughborough I think of people in track

suits who don't read Oh dear Not books I think I think of both because they go to sports college and college. Yeah, I mean they don't, you know, they read things

about sport. Right. Oh my God. I'm not saying they're not great people. No, Frank thinks that you can't be sporty and clever. That's it. It's official. Does he? Does Gary Lineker ask about it? Oh my God. What about Graham Lasseau?

He's only just. Graham Lasseau? He's only just... Graham Lasseau. Graham Lasseau read The Guardian, of course. He read The Guardian, and then what do they call him? Brains or something. I like Graham Lasseau. James Dutton, Frank, has reached out.

I just thought this would personally appeal to you. Late review, Frank, but really enjoying Merlin. Thanks for the recommendation. Five seasons. Well, come on. It's been... They're all on demand now. The entire Merlin. Yeah, you can go in there and watch the whole damn thing.

I'm good, thanks. Okay, well, just, yeah, you'll come back to me. I'm enjoying it. You know, we used to take the Mickey out of you. It's great, isn't it, Al? It's good. Yeah, it's brilliant. No, great was the word I used. There are a lot of actors

in it that were in other things. That's what I've noticed. There's a lot of actors in it. Oh, yeah. There's not much acting, and that's how I like my drama. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, that was music.

Remember that? I don't know what it was because we pre-recorded. It might be a song that I despise. But, you know, it's happened now. It might be one I love. We haven't really talked about any news things other than the fact that we've gone from four to three, which obviously is a major virus story.

Anything else in there? Well, obviously we look through the news to see if there's anything worth talking about. And one of the big stories this week is... It's not really one of the big stories this week, but it's one of the stories that it feels less booby-trapped to discuss on national radio. I don't know if that it feels less booby-trapped to discuss on national radio. I don't know if you can even say booby-trapped anymore.

I don't know if we can. Even if you're talking about the late John McCrurick's wife, that's it. He did an interview where he described, I don't know how to put it really, his sort of timetabling of his day. Apparently, he goes to bed around 5 or 6 a.m., stays asleep until noon, gets up and then doesn't eat until 5. So his first meal of the day is at 5 o'clock.

And then he basically repeats that. 5 p.m.? Yeah, it's a very odd timetable, I think. Right. It smacks to me of people who are on a big diet but don't want to own up to it. You think? Well, people who eat one meal a day

have often got something about, yeah, I just don't get hungry or I sleep till... And what they mean is, yeah, I've often got something about, yeah, I just don't get hungry, or yeah, I sleep till. And what they mean is, yeah, I've decided I look better thin. And I'm prepared to suffer and build my whole life around achieving that. Why did he say that in his interview?

Okay. Hello. I'm here. I would like to present the case for the defence because this brought him very close to my heart when I read this. Do you know why? Did it? Yes, because I have a real problem with what I call smug larks. As something of a creature of the night myself, I mean, not to these lengths because I don't have the money to be able to lead that lifestyle but the smug larks do my head in I'm sorry it's this you know oh I was up at five and I I did all that I really find those people quite difficult I'm afraid and I liked that he's coming out as a creature of the night. And he did admit, Frank, he did say,

the reason he's lost weight is because he's skipping meals. Okay? Not because he's skipping. No. No. Okay. That's what he should do, you see. He should eat and do exercise. Yeah.

He said, I'm a night owl. It's the way I'm programmed. I don't like it. And then he revolved his head the full 360 degrees. Oh, what a scene. What a scene. What do people say? First of all, I have to disagree with you here, Emily.

When people say, oh, I get up in the morning, you know, the smug lark you're talking about, I think people associate a morning person. People translate the phrase mourning person as dull and a little bit frightened. I think that's how they see those people.

Whereas the night owl is out at night, you know, on the street and all that hay, crazy. But why do they call themselves night owls? There's a suggestion that there's a species

known as the day owl. You see, I often see those day owls, you see. But there are owls that just go out at night, apparently. Just because he's an owl. That's what he is. I believe there is a left brain, right brain division. I think you are correct in that. I think that morning people do tend to be more task oriented as opposed to sort of

creative I believe no judgment I'm just saying okay yeah I am I don't know I think I think when people say I'm a night owl it's always said with a with an air of pride and I think when people say I'm a morning person you think oh poor poor dear we were talking about Robbie Williams is strange body clock type thing as you intimated Emily most people can't really afford to be either a night owl or they just have to go to work when they have to go to work but you know he's earned the right um with years of success when i was a student at warwick university

i used to um work from 11 o'clock at night this work you know academically um 11 o'clock at night. This is work, you know, academically. 11 o'clock at night until five in the morning. And then I would... Yeah, you can just get a lot done because people don't sort of come and knock on your door. Can I just say I used to stay up regularly till five in the morning and I didn't get a great deal done. But as you were.

Legend. But that was just my system. And there was other guys in the halls of residence I lived in who had a similar timetable. Again, working, not partying. And we used to watch TV AM, which was like the equivalent of Good Morning Britain. We used to watch that before we went to bed. We'd settle down and watch that. And it's not Newsnight, breakfast telly. I'd say one...

Was that in the Nick O'Ranham Diamond Days, Frank? It would be, yeah. And it was when David Frost was involved and Diamond days rank. It would be, yeah. And it was when sort of David Frost was involved and stuff like that. But I sort of respect breakfast telly people because obviously they don't really say anything of any real note, but nor do they pretend to.

I think they're aware of the fact that they are there to make soothing noises really in the morning and i think they sort of you don't get this any so when you get a guy like pierce morgan on he gets tasmanian devil status yeah from just saying the the odd you know controversial thing it's like when the kid at school who is by no means the hard boy in class goes to a Christian disco and suddenly becomes the Fonz.

It's all about context. Do you think we make soothing noises early in the morning? I worry we don't. What do you think, Frank? I do, but not deliberately. This is an early morning show. I make them in all sorts of strange ways. No, I don't think we probably...

I think we'd have done better if we had. I'll be straight with you. So I see. I think it's fine. The bit about Robbie Williams' timetable that puzzled me was if he's not eating until 5 p.m what does he call that meal because if he's calling it breakfast that feels really wrong but I suppose breakfast as in the break of the fast is true because it's his first meal of the day but he

can't be calling it tea can he I'm gonna have my tea now at five o'clock could he just call it he probably calls it the meal because it's it's it's it's developed a fairly unique status in his in his day i mean it does simplify things with the meal you just got the one meal what are we eating for the meal yeah but you could say you know hunger strike simplifies things oh dear do you know what i like frank i i remember um did you ever hear that james joyce always said he would he described his morning um sort of schedule as i like to lay smothered in my own thoughts until 11 a.m i mean come on that's good yeah sounds i used to lie smothered in my own urine until about 10 to 11. But those, you know, they were darker days.

Sake. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were discussing Robbie Williams basically staying up all night. I think Elvis was a very big fan of that. Elvis, he stayed up all night.

He was an owl. I don't think he was the fat owl of the remove, which I believe is what Billy Bonta was. That was his bill matter. One of the first things the boys used to do when they checked into a hotel was they'd stick kitchen foil on all the windows so that he could sleep in the day and no light came in. Oh, that's depressing, isn't it?

Very good light excluder, apparently. Like a very early version of travel blackout blinds. Is there such a thing as travel blackout blinds? I'm not familiar with those. There must be. I don't know. We should ask Alan Potter. Oh, sorry, I thought you'd got some. Do you know, other night owls,

I believe Simon Cowell, Amir khan i think he's one isn't he oh you know we're getting a picture but do you uh remember al we talked about mark warburg and his routine and he wakes up at 2 30 a.m and then at 2 45 a.m prayer time i do remember him and his day because mainly it seemed to be about eating different species of animal every 35 minutes i remember him being a danger to wildlife that's my main memory 7 30 p.m bedtime no this at all no we did weeks off yeah okay he goes to bed at half seven perhaps i'm um wow perhaps i'm scrutinizing the journalism too carefully here but there's a bit in the article about robbie williams where it says he ditched his wild ways after becoming a father of four now are they suggesting that he continued with his wild ways when he had his first three children,

but then ditched his wild ways? That would be crazy. Yeah, he probably... Well, everybody's got a ceiling, haven't they? Or did he have... He probably thought, that's it now. ...quadruplets and go, right, I'm going to really straighten my life out now.

I think he's having to sleep in the day because old Jimmy Page is playing the guitar. You know, I'm just saying. Oh, of course. Haven't they made a pact? I think they've made a pact. In case you don't know, Jimmy Page is Robbie Williams. Whenever I say Robbie Williams, I want to say Robert,

because that's what Jerry Halliwell always calls him, to suggest that we know they were intimate, but it suggests that there's an eternal link between them, which there probably isn't. But Robert Williams and James Page of Led Zeppelin fame are neighbours. I didn't have a relationship with him, by the way. Although I have a few pages in my time. although I have turned a few pages in my time

and he they've had a long running feud about building work and stuff the way people do in private houses but I think that they've come to some sort of peaceful agreement maybe that

because Robbie sleeps all night and Jimmy Page I imagine reads the works of Alistair Crowley Maybe that because Robbie sleeps all night and Jimmy Page, I imagine, reads the works of Alistair Crowley out loud from his balcony whilst pouring goat blood into the swimming pool he's having built. I could be wrong about that, but you know what they're like. You know what they're like. He wasn't really a metal... He was into it.

Did he buy Alistair Crowley's house or something? I believe he did, yeah. There was some devil worshipped element to Jimmy Page. Let's hope that that's not where he's living now. Yeah, he wouldn't want to be next on there but might have. You don't want Alistair Crowley coming round. You don't want Alistair Crowley in a nightgown

coming round and saying, can you keep the noise down a bit? I'm trying to contact Lucifer. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I don't text the show because I'm afraid we're not live, but you can still follow us at Frank on the Radio

on Twitter and Instagram, or you can email via the Absolute Radio website do it. Well people have been emailing we used to have an email corner jingle didn't we but we won't we don't have any jingles now we'll just jump into it

we received an email a little while ago morning legends it begins on a recent show Frank mentioned rashly getting rid Of both a pinball machine And table football set he'd had made With guests from his chat show on them People had had them made for me

Yeah Such as Jamie Lee Curtis And Kenny Rogers He asked if anyone had any information As to where they'd got to and where they are now. I'm excited to say that I do have info about this. Wow. Jamie Lee Curtis is still playing her trade as an actress

with some success, appearing in motion pictures. Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that. Kenny Rogers is sadly no longer with us. No, I meant the actual... Oh, Ned. I think that was an amusing misunderstanding from Ned there. Yeah, because we can never be certain that Ned comically misunderstood that.

He might have actually misunderstood it. It's a very fine line. But no, it was good. I thought for a moment there I was going to... But, you know, if someone had those, they would try and make me pay through my... What do they say, through the nose, is that? Yeah, through the nose. Undoubtedly.

Okay, you know, I'm not laughing. Frank, we talk often of this show, of the chair. Do you want to, and I thought of the chair recently when you were talking about vehicle noises outside your house during one of our breaks and it reminded me of whenever you know people used to hear vehicle noises in the chair was always sterling moss it was always oh who do you think you are sterling moss yeah the chair i should explain for any new um readers is that it's a it's a comic device and it's if you're going to do a reference to something say you were going to do a reference to someone who was a heavy drinker mmm and you were doing that joke 20 years ago you just said Oliver Reed yes he was often if you

want it we were talking about fact that recently that rock Brad Pitt is probably still in the good-looking bloke chair. It's just the one you go to for that reference. Who do you think you are, Brad Pitt? I mean, Ryan Gosling might be just inching, but it's not... No, you're right. Not well-known enough, I don't think. David Beckham? No, you're right.

David Beckham, possibly, but of course, there's still the lazy lip. Yeah. I would say, also also on vehicle noises, I used as a thing, when me and Dave lived together and watched a great deal of football, there was a French player called Papin. And every time the commentator said Papin, I used to say that'll be my car. I mean, every time. David is a tolerant man. Emma has been in touch with us to say,

Hi Frank, Divine Miss M and Muscles. I went into work in a newish pair of boots, which I thought most suitable for the snow and rain. One of my colleagues looked down at them and sniffed, Oh, look at Imelda Mar marcos always in a new pair of shoes this got me wondering has anyone ever been more secure in the chair than amelda marcos still is in the lots of pairs of shoes chair i can't think of anyone else who would ever take her place i'd be interested to hear your thoughts praise redacted emma i was once, the Daily Mirror once voted me as the greediest person in the world.

A bit harsh. Yeah, and in fourth place was Imelda Markoff. So I feel that we are forever linked. What shoes did she wear to the ceremony? are forever linked. What shoes did she wear to the ceremony? I can't remember. I didn't

go to the ceremony. The fee wasn't right. But I was once, I did this morning once and they said, sorry, we don't actually have a dressing room because we've got a dance troupe in and they're taking up a lot of room.

So we're going to put you in Fern's dressing room. Oh, yeah. And they put me in Fern Britton's dressing room and she had a lot of shoes. I mean, just as in a dressing room, I don't know what she's got at home, but a great many shoes so uh how many if i were to i don't want to put you on the spot m but ballpark figure how many pairs of shoes would you say you've got oh god i would say probably about uh 50 to 60 possibly yeah is that a lot yeah possibly i i am recently recently I remember the moment when I

looked at my shoes and thought allowing for my age I need never buy another pair of shoes

so I've got enough shoes thanks very much I need to pick Alan's brains on this one because he's a physical fitness enthusiast. I've been doing, as you know, me and my family,

my son and my partner, have been doing the Joe Wicks PE workout every morning during lockdown. And there's a thing that Joe Wicks always says. Some mornings he'll get up and he'll say, oh, I had a terrible night last night. I didn't sleep hardly. It was awful.

He said, the great thing about exercise, he said, and it's a weird thing, but when you feel really tired, you think, oh, I'm too tired, he said. but when you do it, it cures the tiredness. He said, it's a weird thing that the effort you put in the exercise stops you from being tired. You feel full of energy again. And he'll often say at the end, you see, I was really tired today and now I feel like I could jump over a house.

And he started to convince me that this was the case because at first I poo-pooed the idea. Yeah. And then this week he announced that he's going to move from five mornings a week to three mornings a week because he's tired. And I thought, well, your entire... And I thought, well, your entire, your philosophy has been destroyed by this.

Yeah. I really felt I'd been let down. Really? I think you've got him absolutely snookered there. Yeah. I mean, there's four shows from Wix, you know. So we're going to carry on, us Wixians, and we're going to go back.

We're going to go back to the beginning. Oh, that's right. Are you? Yeah, and we're going to watch. You're going to watch old ones? Yeah. To be honest, he's upped the ante a bit over the course of the three months, so it'll be a blessed release to go back to the old

30 seconds on, 30 seconds off and he also said what about this i saw an interview he said the bbc were begging him begging him to sign a contract with them i could have done without that yeah yeah but we know what's around the corner frank greediest man in Britain. Yeah, that was basically. So, you know, be careful what your wick's for, OK? Would the greediest man in Britain have turned down four boxes of free food every day? Good point.

Either you've changed or they were wrong. I haven't changed for the course of lockdown in so many ways. You're talking about watching old episode hoods, as it were. Oh, God, I don't know what you course of lockdown in so many ways. You're talking about watching old episodes, as it were. I wonder what you're going to say then. Can I just say I've been revisiting Big Brother, the best ever shows, and I do recommend a stroll down memory lane, if only to see the late John McQuirrick say when asked of Caprice about his travelling arrangements,

I normally go in club class and I'm afraid I do stick the booby in the cattle truck. Oh wow. About his wife. I'm glad to hear that's his wife because it could be construed in so many ways. Also worth watching for the line, Coolio is smoking with Terry Christian by the ashtray. I mean, come on. Oh, it delivered. It's gone forever now, has it, Big Brother?

I'm not sure. I mean, I think it's possibly a bit problematic, isn't it, these days? It's, you know... Is it? Smoking, certainly. Yeah. I don't know if I could face it now. It feels so tied to its time. Yeah.

But, hey... Give McCruric a go. Yeah. No longer with us, of course, McCruric. Yeah. No. Oh, I mean. What happened to all that tweed?

What they did with all that? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing Robbie Williams' sleep routine being peculiar the other day. In other sleep news, King's College London found that half of British adults have had disturbed sleep in lockdown

and two in five are having more vivid dreams than normal. And I wondered if you guys were having weirder sleeps during this strange period. Why are people having more vivid dreams? Perhaps during the course of lockdown, they forgot how vivid life is in general. They're just having normal dreams. Well, there is a reason, isn't there?

Because I suppose the point of dreams is it's processing emotions you felt during the day so that you don't have to act them all out. By the way, I do act them all out. But for those that that don't that's where they go is your dreams essentially you've said that because i think i think that shows that my journey is um is about right ready to leave lockdown because at the start of lockdown i had a few quite cliched like sitting up at 3am bolt upright nightmares like you know those sort of proper like those ones and and only a couple of nights ago i had a very vivid dream about stand-up comedy my first stand-up comedy dream since lockdown what is it three months or something and the bit

that i really liked about it is how normal it was because it wasn't that i was doing stand-up i was waiting to go on to do stand-up and there was a very good-looking male double act both like young guys maybe 20s 30s and they were really self-indulgent and stinking the room out. They were starting to get heckled. And I was in the wings thinking, oh, great, they're going to go really badly and then I'm on. It felt really normal. That's a lovely thing.

I've got a question for you. It's the opposite of a nightmare. I've got a question, actually, for both you and Frank, which is... Good-looking people dying on stage. It's not getting any better. I've got a question, actually, for both you and Frank, which is... Good-looking people dying on stage. It's not getting any better. Best thing ever. It's literally dreamy.

I loved it. I've got a question for both you and Frank, which is, you know how rats dream of a rat's activities? They do actually dream, apparently, and dogs dream of a dog's activities. Yeah, I mean, you know, what are their activities? Oh, I did a wee today, you know. However, I want to know, as stand-ups,

do you dream of actually doing a gig, not just standing in the wings, as Al said, but do you dream of yourself on stage performing stand-up? That question first to Frank Skinner. Well, I'd say one of the single most frustrating dreams I ever had was me on stage absolutely ripping it off, even better than I've ever done. I mean, everything was there.

And I couldn't quite hear what I was saying. No. And I woke up thinking, oh, my God, I remember thinking this is brilliant is brilliant but i could not remember i just you know in an ideal world i would have woke up and i would have been one of one of those court stenographers you know and i rattled it all down it would have been so the it's what sort of nagged at me is that there is the greatest comedy gig of all time is in me the greatest comedy gig of all time is in me

I've got it it's like when you go to the seaside and you try and get one of those cuddly toys with the big claw and the big claw goes down and it's got the teddy's leg it's got the leg and you think that's got it and when it comes up the teddy moves a bit

and then it drops down and it's like that the best stand upup gig ever. And I can't quite get the claw low enough. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were, don't panic, we were actually talking about dreams, but not inner people talking about. My dreams actually during lockdown were a bit Dominic Cummings,

to be honest. Oh, were they? In that they didn't really acknowledge lockdown for the first few weeks. And then I started having dreams in which I was aware of my distance from people and stuff. It's true that it just took my brain a while to readjust to the new the new world yeah well i want i asked you

the question frank skinner and then um like question time you know all the panel have to be asked this question and i'm also interested al what is your experience of dreaming of gigs well i think in normal times i'm doing that much stand-up that if I dream about stand-up comedy it's usually an anxiety dream about a forthcoming gig so I would dream like the scenery was falling on me or that I wasn't getting to the gig because there was like a roadblock or something like that but I'm very heartened by my recent development where a handsome double actor doing really badly on stage before me because now someone else is taking the hit it's it's a really positive development it's the opposite of an anxiety dream it was a confidence dream hmm no it's out it sounds uh idyllic

is it a schadenfreude dream is that what i'm having um the best definition of schadenfreude dream? Is that what I'm having? The best definition of schadenfreude I ever heard was a French writer who talked about the very exclusive pleasure of watching a close friend fall off the roof of a house. Which I thought was rather lovely you know you dream less when you're on holiday I was interested to read that no I'm sorry I've got that completely the wrong way around

you remember your dreams more on holiday quite the opposite oh really? yes because you've got fewer distractions so often when people say oh I don't remember my dream it means they're quite a type A get things done person. What I'm saying is to say you remember your dream vividly, people might think you're a bit of a lazy slob.

That's what I'm saying. Well, people do think that of me. One of my, people have been talking about how they've slept badly in lockdown, but I have sort of, I've enjoyed slept badly in lockdown, but I have sort of... I've enjoyed sleeping badly in lockdown because I haven't had to get up and race off anywhere to go to work. I've only got to sort of slide downstairs,

do Joe Wicks and then four hours of homeschooling. But it's all, you know, next to me. But it means... I bet he uses a banister. I can see you doing that. But it means that I wake up in the night and I mean again what I was saying earlier at my age I've got all the shoes I need

also at my age if I lie awake three and a half hours I'm thinking well here's three and a half hours I didn't think I was gonna I was gonna get and because it's three and a half hours I didn't think I was going to get. And because it's not sort of, I've got to be absolutely razor sharp tomorrow,

that kind of feeling, I'm not thinking, oh man, I need to get to sleep. I'm sort of thinking, I'll have a nice little think if I'm going to be awake. I do, I honestly think that. I think, well, time me out and just have a I honestly think that. I think it's a timely. I can just have a real nice think.

Frank's using his insomnia for philosophy. A bit James Joyce, smothered in his own thoughts. It's quite nice thinking. Let's try it. I think it might catch. Well, no, it's too late now. We're coming out of it just going to write that down

try thinking Germaine Greer once told me that she lived alone and that she said that she liked to put aside three hours a day for thinking she didn't make notes or anything she just thought and I thought wow

lazy cow I thought I did I did And I thought, wow, lazy cow, I thought. God. I did, I did. We've been talking about something everyone is saying, I think, that they've slept badly during lockdown. But isn't that because they're not doing much physical generally they're not going out much there's a Samuel Johnson quote

I love Samuel Johnson as you may know and he he's the 18th century writer and he was talking about I don't understand well he's still alright as in he's not you know

Oh yeah he's still alright It's okay to yeah He's not been cancelled God forbid I won't allow that to happen He he talked about

you know lazy people generally I know laziness has somewhat been forced upon us but he said a man whose day differs from his night

only in as much as a couch differs from a bed, which I really like. I also like the way he started a lot of his observations with a man who, or when a man. There's a lot of that. I know. He said sir a lot as well. Oh, did he?

Oh, I like someone who says sir. Conversation. Sir! That's my private life. Never accustom your mind to mingle vice and virtue. It was all that. I mean, you know, you don't get it now. You've probably seen a bit of it on the Best of Big Brother. You've been watching. Yeah. Yeah. That's the famous Dennis Rodman quote you just did, isn't it? I had an email today. I emailed someone at my management.

I've framed it. I've printed it off and framed it. And I'd asked someone in my office, as it were, about some inquiry about something. And they said, he said, I've passed the message on to them, but they're 0-0-0 today. Oh, absolutely. So they probably won't know until Monday. And now it seems, it may seem obvious to you, but I had never seen that abbreviation before.

Oh, what did you think and i thought at first three zeros like you know they're just finished today or i thought oh maybe they're um you know they're the ideal they're at the ideal home exhibition oh i like that oh yeah i think i would have thought they've i can't really talk about it but oh that's what i would have assumed yeah they've got they've got an interior designer in the office today talking to oh yeah completely but it means out of office which i i had to work out for myself so you know every day is a school day, as they say. Would you use...

It's certainly true at the moment. Would you use ooh as an abbreviation? What, for out of office? Yeah, if you had to say I won't... You know, sometimes people write it themselves. They say I will be ooh for the next two weeks. Would you do it? I like the idea of describing myself as out of office even though i don't work

in an office it's just you know not i don't want any leave me alone i'm out of office if you know what i mean i see you as the office manager of laughter thank you i'm gonna start using it just when i'm in the living room i'll just text my wife saying i'm out of office. Yeah. I'm in the living room. I think it's... That'll be nice, Al, for her. Yeah. Anyway, that's a new one on me, so go away and disperse that at your will. Look, Sarah Champion is up next.

I'm sorry, again, we don't have any jingles, but I can't... Champion! Listen to her anyway she's nice and thank you for listening to us and if the good lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next

week now get out this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio