The Frank Skinner Show - Dennis Mann

Episode Date: May 1, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had a spoiler moment and there was a dramatic incident when he watched Buzz play football. The team also discuss Mastermind’s youngest winner, the Oscars and there’s more quail names from the readers.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Oh, here, listen now. Oh, no. Oh, here. Good morning, now. Oh, no. Oh, here. Good morning, Frankie. Good morning. I was watching, which one was it?

It was one of the Harry Potter films. What's the one before Half-Blood Prince? Oh, I'm completely the wrong person to ask. I've never seen one. You are. No, I've seen one with you. Order of the Phoenix. I you. Order of the Phoenix. I was watching Order of the Phoenix.

Yeah. And it was on ITV2. And so there were adverts. Lovely channel. Yeah. So, you know, there's adverts. But I can, you know, as you know, as we all know on Absolute Radio,

adverts are good. So, Bart, there was a lego advert about three quarters of a way through um harry potter and the order of the phoenix and the lego set that he advertised was basically one of the key moments yet to come in the film, but in Lego. So I feel it's all right to say this out loud, because, I mean, you know, it's not just out. There's a bit where the sort of baddie in it is grabbed by a giant and held aloft as they are surrounded by angry centaurs.

You know the kind of thing, Em? It's happened to the best of us. But it hadn't happened yet in the film, but there it was in Lego, giving the whole thing away. And it was, oh man, it took me back to when I was a kid, staying up with my dad

to watch Nottingham Forest in what was then called the European Cup, now Champions League. And there's a sort of a greenhorn new guy. What do they call the guys in between? In between shows? No, no, the guys that sort of say are now on ITV.

Oh, yeah, like doing the links, yeah. Yeah, they've got like a... Continuity now. Continuity. So it went to this fresh face continuity. And he says, now coming up now, the European Cup football. And I'm not allowed to say the score, but I'll just say that Notts Forest did very well. Stupid idiot.

Oh, and my old man went bananas. But absolutely, because he was a bloke who used to put his fingers in his ears and go, ah, when they talked about football on telly. But anyway, I tell you what, on 8-12-15, what is the worst spoiler experience you've had? And it needn't be films or telly. It could be, you know, you've got six months to live, mate. It could be one of those. Maybe not.

Actually, maybe not one of those. I take that back. But anything that's been, oh, I didn't want to know that. I'd love to hear from you guys on that one. Here's a story as well. I went to

Max Bygrave. Because we pre-recorded the show last week. We are live this morning by the way, so you can text like there's no Tamara Beckwith. And I hope there is still. We'll check that out. Tamara Beckwith? Yes, there is, absolutely.

You know the girl, Tamara Beckwith? Yes, she's in good health. Is she? Yes. Is that a sitcom? Oh, I had a weird... Here's another thing. I had one of the strangest 70s sitcom moments of my life.

I was flicking through the channels. There's a thing called Forces TV. And we've all done that in our time. And they're showing Citizen Smith. And I thought, oh, I haven't seen Citizen Smith for years. For you younger people who listen to this show, I know there's about eight of you, there's the guy with the quail and about three others.

Conan. Oh, yeah. Conan the Birdarian, as someone's called him. And a very good... No, someone at that, I can't claim credit for that. I never would. Well, we'll come back to that. No, we'd never claim credit for it.

Anyway, so, where was I? You were watching Forces TV. Yes, exactly. Extraordinarily. Yeah, and Citizen Smith was a show about a sort of an urban communist revolutionary who never got anywhere. He had a catchphrase, Power to the People. Power to the People, that's right.

But there was an episode, I think of it as one of the classic 70s sitcoms. And then there was an episode. I thought, what's this episode called? The episode was called Only Fools and Horses. I thought, I've got into some 70s sitcom vortex. I am lost. Hold on, I'm just going to do a date check.

Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. London calling. Okay. There you go. Good to know. Lovely.

People now can all change their calendars. I think on my war calendar in my own room, it goes from the Flash to Green Hornet today. Does it? Just saying. Have you got through all the packets of KP Nuts then? They weren't on calendars. They were just on cards.

They were on rather, I'm afraid it was a different time then. We didn't know. I think we did know in that case. In the case of the KP, not. Can we please credit, or I wish to credit, the person who dreamt up Conan the Birdarian.

That is, yeah, that's a good... Can I just give a little bit of this? You must. It was Conan, wasn't it? It was a nice pricey. We had a guy called Conan who was 12. From Letchworth? From Letchworth, that's right.

And him got a quail and he wanted to name it. So we offered some possibilities. Yeah, but accidentally he thought we would have good suggestions, which I'm fairly confident in saying we did not. Well, you, I thought, had a very good one. Dan Quayle. We didn't know the gender. No.

But Dan Quayle, Al suggests, after the American politician, I thought was very good. My own Anthony Quayle, my one, which was named after a sort of old British actor, who I remembered after I'd seen live on stage at I think it was the Alexandra Theatre in Birmingham and he came on stage and you know when a famous actor comes

on stage you get the applause, well you certainly do in the provinces maybe not in the sophisticated Not at the National, not at the Cottesloe, dear So he got that and he turned and glared, absolutely glared at the audience. And we all stopped immediately.

Absolutely terrifying. And then I spoke to, I think it was Peter Egan I spoke to, who'd been in a play with Kenneth Moore, the popular British actor. And he said, it's quite a realist play, and Kenneth Moore came on, got his round, and took a formal bow in the midst of, like, a proper play where people were pretending it was the real world. Oh, I love it.

What did Kenneth Moore call his autobiography? I mean, the world was his oyster. I didn't know. I mean, now it would be Moorish I mean, the world was his oyster. I don't know. I mean, now it would be Moorish. Oh, yeah, it would be. Very Moorish. Yeah, that would be. Which, of course, was also Othello's autobiography.

Oh, yes, yes. Different spellings. So you've... I've got one more walking up. One more? Yeah, one more. Come on. Now we're on to...

I love a theatrical anecdote. One more. I hope you Yeah, one more. Come on. Now we're on to, I love a theatrical anecdote. One more. I hope he called it one more of a book. I think this was Peter Egan as well. He told me that he was working with Wilfred Hyde-White and you'll know one of my favourite ever film credits

was Man in Marquee, Wilfred Hyde-White. Wilfred Hyde-White was always old. He was one of those actors. When he was 18, he looked about 63. People did in those days. I love Always Old.

Another Always Old. Not an actor, but Arthur Marlard. Always Old. Always Old. Cancelled, though. So we can cut that in the edit. Okay. Anyway.

Anyway, Wilfred Hyde-White was in a restoration drama in an enormous wig that they always wear. And he came on and nothing happened. And he said afterwards, I'm pretty sure it was Peter Egan, the actor who told me, he said, well, I didn't get my round. And he said, well, I don't think they recognised you. You know, it's quite difficult in that wig.

He said, so the next night when he came on, he turned and stared straight at the audience for no apparent reason. Still no applause. And he was mortified. And he said, I can't believe it. I always get my round. And he said the third night he came on carrying the wig. So they got his round round put the wig on

and then carried on fantastic sorry sorry I've used a whole link of theatrical anecdotes someone thinks I've accidentally tuned in to Ned sharing

don't have to apologise to me dear on the light programme forgive me guys but you know what? I loved it. Some things you do for the audience and some you just do for yourself. Friendskin on Absolute Radio. I think we've had some outside world communication,

have we not? We've had. Oh, I did miss it last week. When we pre-record, I do miss the readers. Oh, so do I. I love our readers. Well, for a start, I'm going to share this with you from Smithy. Does anyone else live in a place that describes them? Love, Dave, from Old Coulsdon.

Ha ha ha! Lovely. We've also had a response to, we've had a few responses to your, what would you call it, Frank? The spoilers. Worst spoiler moments. Worst spoiler moments. Dave1971, he says, Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Sailor. What, someone told him how the rhyme ended? Does he mean Tinker, Taylor, Soldier Soldier Spy, the John le Carré?

I think he might do. Oh, OK. He says, I was too young... Maybe he was anticipating some sort of nautical final episode and was let down by the fact that it was all going to be Cold War-y. That it was going to be all on the town. I was too young to watch when it was broadcast on the BBC, but I knew it was held in high regard.

Oh, I love high regard. Yeah. I was like, what are my family? I bought the DVD, but I wanted to wait until I had free time to sit and concentrate. Before I had a chance, I watched a UK top 50 drama show and they revealed them all. Oh, no.

No. That's always dangerous, those hit list shows. There's a Harry Potter one that gives away basically everything, but not in Lego form. Lego spoilers, that's pretty unusual. We're getting a lot of people communicating with us about Sixth Sense and Usual Suspects. We've had Nick Boyd. I walked into a room when my friends were watching

the Usual Suspects. It was the very end of the film, so I now know the ending, but I've never seen the film. I'm like that with the Sixth Sense. I've never seen it, but everybody's mentioned it so much that there's no point in me watching the film. I'm like that with The Sixth Sense. I've never seen it, but everybody's mentioned it so much that there's no point in me watching that film. Well, I saw Eddie Izzard live and

it was at the Ambassadors. I think, is it the Ambassadors? It's right next to where The Mousetrap is. Oh, yes. Full of theatrical anecdotes today. At the end of the show, Full of theatrical anecdotes today. Yeah, at the end of the show, Eddie Izzard told the story of...

said who did it. Because at the end of The Mousetrap... Eddie, what are you doing? I'll tell you something about the end of The Mousetrap. We're not going to say it. No, but what happens is that one of the cast comes on stage and says, please don't tell anyone. They've been saying that for like 40 years.

Yeah. And when I went to see it, I didn't know the ending, but I thought it was bad form. Well, it's not what one does in the theatre. No, no, dear. Now, Simon Smith, before I could even... Has he got a dancing bear? Oh.

Simon Smith? No. There was a song called Simon Smith no there was a you know why there was a song called Simon Smith and his amazing dance it's very cruel

it's very cruel very cruel Simon Smith has got in touch just a warning I'm going to play this for Simon Smith oh dear I think we have to we have to go to we'll leave it on a Oh, dear.

I think we have to go to... We'll leave it on a cliffhanger. What has Simon Smith got to say? You can use that at the beginning of any voice messages he leaves. He can sample, put that in. He's saying that. That's my tip. S-S, as his friends call it.

We won't ask why. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in the midst of Simon Smith-a-thon, I think. Oh, yes. I'm just going to... But who would think a boy and bear could do well excepted everywhere? It's just amazing how fair people can be.

You need to be careful with what you plant to people because 631 has sent us a complaint. Thanks for that. We're on a long car journey and now both of our young boys are singing that stupid gummy bear song. Oh, dear. I find it quite uplifting, the gummy bear. When I'm down and troubled and I need a helping hand and nothing...

Yeah, I always turn to... Oh, I'm a Gommi Bear. Oh, I'm a Gommi, Gommi, Gommi, Gommi, Gommi, Gommi. And suddenly the world ain't so bad. I was doing what I call my dry- down with a towel dance move on my back. Gummy bears, of course, the sweets, they contain that most exotic of contents or ingredients. I don't know if you get in your average modern sweet, which is called gum Arabic. Oh, yes. Oh, man, I can think of, you know, belly dancers and bells and incense.

Oh, a little bit more Gom Arabic offendy. Oh, yes. Offendy. Offendy. I hope offendy doesn't offend anyone. You don't hear it said anymore, but it used to be a thing that was said. It used to be your nickname. Simon Smith.

There's going to be a warning with this in case we get complaints. Can you tell us what Simon says? Well, I will tell you what Simon says, but it will result somewhat inevitably in a spoiler itself. So can we accept that there is some sort of basic statute of limitations on these spoilers? Well, I mean, there has to be some sell-by dates on spoilers, surely. Thank you. Simon Smith said,

Before I could even open my mouth, my son blurted out, Iron Man dies. Thanks, Sam. Oh, yeah. That's terrible. Well, Sam. Oh, yeah. That's terrible. Well, I didn't know that. Someone did that to me with Turner and Hooch. My sister said to me, Hooch dies.

I didn't know Hooch dies. Oh, that's a shame. I don't know if I've seen Turner and Hooch. I'm getting anxious about this now, because if anyone is going to watch... Turner and Hooch. When Iron Man goes mad, that was so awful. Okay.

Well, 387 had a problem. When Titanic came out, someone at work told him the boat sank before he'd seen the film. I think that's all right. Speaking of the Iron Man type superheroes... What are the rules? Speaking of the Iron Man type superhero, I don't know if you've seen Zack Schneider's Justice League.

Let me just think. I know you haven't, Emily, but it's four hours, but I loved it. Four hours of justice being dispensed. Exactly, and I really loved it. And there's a bit where I think it's... I don't want an hour of justice the flash

I think it is says to Batman what's your superpower and he says I'm rich and I do like that that's like you Frank I'm telling you

so that guess what you're funny as well are we ever going to find out what Simon Smith said I've told you what he said he said the Iron Man thing. Oh, of course he did, yeah.

I want to... I wish we hadn't found out now, the big spoiler-er. Well, I know, but it got you thinking about that justice programme you like. I also wore wellies on a recent holiday, and we walked in the river in wellies, and it did make me think, this is what Iron Man must feel like, that really protected feeling by your outer it's not your outer casing

iron man doesn't do much wading because of rust no he's all he's enameled heavily enameled what is he iron man i mean i know is he just made of iron i don't know no he's tony star don't he just made of iron? I don't know anything about him. No, no, he's Tony Stark, a billionaire. Don't you get impatient with me because I don't know your weird things. Eccentric billionaire Tony Stark built this suit. Oh, there we go, it's original. And he dwelleth inside it. It's armour, basically.

He dwelleth inside it. He dwelleth inside it. Not all the time, but many a time and oft. He dwells inside it, not all the time, but many a time and oft. I think that's the summary for any new readers to marvel. We've had a few missives in. Harry McCarthy, in school, reading Of Mice and Men, opened the first page to find someone had written George kills Lenny.

Oh, that is just wrong, isn't it? Especially as it was Steinbeck. I had a university... My university copy of Ulysses. Relatable. It said someone had written on the first page My university copy of Ulysses. Relatable. It said someone had written on the first page 799 pages and no punchline. Oh. I think I had that as a review. And then Andy Wilson finally says, Bruno V. Tyson,

I avoided the result all night, then I went to watch the highlights. The announcer said, here's a chance to see how Frank Bruno failed in his attempt last night. Oh, no. To this day, I'm mute sound. I know. Continuity announcers. For time invested, it's hard to beat 111, who says,

years ago, I was catching up on 24 dvd just after it had aired on tv friend really excited to discuss and thinking i'd finished it blurted out what about when it turned out to be nina i just finished hour 23. she knows who she is oh that is i I mean, God, you've got to be... I say, this is making me quite edgy, this texting. We're giving stuff away. I'm still anxious. You know, if you can avoid one, it's nice. Yeah, I'd like to know if we do have a demographic

that's watching 24 now, I would be shocked. We probably do. So, well, you know what? On VHS as well. There's the ones listening to Absolute 90s. Let's turn off Spoiler Highway. Okay. Down into Hookie Street.

Because Matthew Haywood has got in touch to say hi all. Citizen Smith and OFAH. What does that stand for, Al? Only Fools and Horses. I'm good on the initials. Yeah, I was pointing out earlier that I recently discovered from clicking through the telly there's an episode of the 70s classic sitcom

Citizen Smith that's called Only Fools and Horses. It's really confused me. And so magnifique. And Matt has pointed out Citizen Smith and OFAH were both written by the great John Sullivan. Ah, yes. So the episode title was actually

a prediction of the future. Oh. Spoilers, Sullivan. Is that in the spoilers section? Or he's recycling a phrase that he liked, like any good artist. Exactly, yeah. It was a phrase, wasn't it? Only fools and horses work.

It was a sort of a proverb type. It wasn't one that I used often, but, you know. No, but... I'm sure people did. Not a woman as young as yourself wouldn't have used it. Al, I'm sure this seems to be... I think we all accept this is very much your area, the only fools and horses trivia. Where did the phrase originate?

I've no idea. I'm sure it's just a... It's not in the book I got sent. I'm sure it's a term people say, only fools and horses work. Like mad dogs and Englishmen. Yeah, exactly, like Mad Dogs and Englishmen. I don't know if you've ever listened to Mad Dogs and Englishmen, the song, it's brilliant.

Is that a Cole Porter, Noel Coward? Noel Coward, but a funny Noel Coward, late review. Do you know that one, I Wonder What Happened To Him? And he said, I heard he was banned from a club in Bombay. Not just because his mess bills exceeded his pay but he took to pig sticking in quite the wrong way. I wonder what happened to him.

Great work. Noel Coward there on Absolute Radio. I'll do a mastermind next year. Absolute Radio. I'm doing Mastermind next year. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Happy May Day to all our readers. You can't see this, but I've got Lego trucks with missiles on going across my desk at the moment.

I've put on quite a heavy black overcoat and it'll thrill me off. I have several braids in my hair wrapped round. Oh, yes. And I think we're going to do some public PE outside. And Emily in national costume is going to hold a lot of flowers. Yeah. It's Russia Day on Absolute Radio. So, oh, here's the thing.

I went, because we didn't do the show live last week, it freed me up on Saturday morning to go and watch my son play football. Freed him up? You're making him sound like some pesky ex-girlfriend you've shown off. It's an obligation that has to be fulfilled, aren't we? No, anyway, it was just circumstances. So I went along and the game was nearing the end and they'd put him in goal for the last sort of five minutes and then there was a corner.

And the coach, they needed a goal. And the coach said, come up for the corner, boss. So Boz started racing up for the corner. And the kid taking the corner kicked it to Boz. And Boz hit it first time. I mean, an absolute screamer. And it was on its way. It was on its way to the goal. And already I was thinking,

this is a moment I'll treasure my whole life. And one of his teammates stopped the ball on the line and then kicked it in himself. So it was his goal. We've all met that one. Oh! So I was walking... You say one of his teammates, I say one of his ex-friends

yeah how did how did Boz deal with it he didn't take it that well and I tried to do the parent thing on the way back

I said look it doesn't matter you'll get lots of other 25 yard screamers from which I said you know don't worry about it

and he said well I heard you say to the coach that if it had happened to you when you were 8 you'd still be lying awake thinking about it and he said well I heard you say to the coach that if it had happened to you when you were eight you'd still be lying awake thinking about it now so that was um should have kept me mouth shut about uh he's quite right of course I once I played um celebrity cricket once and um who was that with then who's oh i said our captain was um bill franklin who used to do sh you know who adverts do you remember him we had it no not always lemonade oh schwartz yeah

anyway so it was i am i picked up the ball in the field and and hur it at the, I was quite a way out, and hit the stumps and ran this guy out. And the umpire, being nice to this, I can't remember who the other person was, the umpire didn't give it out and I was horrified. I remember Chris Tarrant from first slip saying to me, just think Frank, you'll never do that again. And that was correct. But oh man, it was but on the subject, I'll just do a quick, we watched the League Cup final together, Boz and I

because my son is a Spurs fan, I know. And they lost as well. This is his lovely football weekend that he had robbed of a dream goal. And I'll tell you what he did, which is something. We do subscribe to the Beano, and it might have something to do with this, but he printed off a colour photo copy of the goal scorer, Laporte,

and sellotaped it to his punch ball. I was actually walloping it, and I thought, I kind of forgot that's such a motif from the comics or something like that as a way to get your own back. I think who that reminds me of, who do I know who'd do something like that?

Yeah, but it's so hard to get photos of the Aryan judges. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I thought I'd got away last week with my quail name suggestion. Did you? Bill Qualey. Bill, yes. question did you bill qualey bill yeah so that we spoke earlier of conan who uh who uh

who asked for a name the 12 year old who wants a name for his new quail yes you know that old radio trope we should probably make a point that we're not actually lending ourselves out as pet naming services well i'm certainly not after my efforts. I came up with Bill Qualley. It was one of the worst things I've ever said in my whole life. Let's make it absolutely clear. Let's give it a frame. Emily's suggestion was Bill Qualley. Okay.

After Bill Bailey, the well-known dancer. And I did say at the time... He has lifted his legs for money. So has my dog. We all have, dear. It is honestly the worst thing I've ever said in my life. Oh, calm now. That's quite a good life, if that's the case, because I say worse things than that.

It is a good life. What about... 50 times an hour. What about Viminar or Vimaranas? Oh, yeah. No, what I actually said was Weimaraner. Okay. Okay?

Weimaraner. That was a text that Samuel Taylor Cole wrote. Yes, exactly. I was addressing Samuel Taylor Cole. So, yeah, so you said, I tried to get you out of it, but I joined in, so I said maybe we could make it...

It's awful. We could make it quill quail-y because it's a feathered creature. You tried. And to be fair, you both tried to let me... I don't think Al did. No, I didn't. I think Al was merciless.

No, I didn't. I think I was, yeah. I had a sort of semi... Really harsh. Look, I had an escape route. I chose not to take it. Good for you. What I would say is I've spent the week reflecting.

Okay. And I would like to apologise. We have. I spent the week reflecting and I just got a little bit of powder and it's fine now.

I have to say, if I was Conan, that would have been my choice though. I would have gone for Bill Qualley because you can't top its resonance.

What about when the producer named the episode Bill Qualley on Bill Qualley. You can't top its resonance. What about when the producer named the episode Bill Qualley on the podcast? Actually, I received a direct message from my mate Graham saying, that's a bit harsh, calling the podcast Bill Qualley. I mean, people are even talking about the cruelty to me. Can we return, though, to the subject of... We have actually had some good suggestions from the wider world. Maybe

Conan the Birdarian should have asked the readership of this show. Well, I think that was inferred. If you ask us... Can I raise another question? Go on. Conan, you did point out, is Conan's 12? Is he 12? I meanan you did point out do it is conan's 12 yeah is he 12 i mean frank did point

out there were some night's move references what i'm saying conan is if you could send a photograph of yourself clutching a copy of uh today's newspaper with the date on it this is the 39th step yes i would appreciate it. Okay. Look, I just believe people. That's my way. Oh, I don't. That's your failing. But you know what? I hope he is because I'm very fond of Conan the Berdarian. Yeah, but

we didn't hear back from him. No. But we've had some good suggestions which I think we'll come to after something else probably. Well, it's what I call a cliffhanger. Quile name suggestions. We're going to call this section, You Got Quile.

Now, we were on the quails. Oh, yes. Yeah. And we had some lovely suggestions from our readers, didn't we? We did. Joe Pasquale was suggested by Andrew Gardner. That's good, Joe Pasquale. We also had, we've actually had this morning, Martin Wren.

That's a coincidence. Love the show show they stick together the avians and just listen to last week's podcast but not all the way through

I wonder if they should be friends with Russell Crowe I mean that would be the triumvirate that would be good I mention this just in case

this suggestion was used later on but how about Gorby as in Mikhail Gorbachev? Oh, yes. Do you like that? You seem a bit reluctant about that one, Frank.

You seem, you're OK, but you seem... No, I'd forgotten it was Mikhail Gorbachev. OK, OK. I always used to think with Gorbachev, that moment when he was about, say, 25, when he was combing his hair back and thought, hold on a minute. What's that? Anyway, carry on.

What about Brendan, Al? Brendan has suggested her quail Poirot. That's good. You like that? Yeah, they're all male names so far. Oh, not Quailer Swift. Oh, very good. Two birds as well.

If only it was some sort of mongrel cross between a quail and a swift. I don't know if such a thing is possible, but let's put two in a cage and see what happens. Or Quail Platt. Oh, excellent. I mean, I like that.

If Conan the Birdarian is northern there's a chance that Quail Platt will win I think that was Eddie O'Keefe by the way

sounds very much like a boxing promoter is Gail Helen Worth lovely is she good knowledge former Doctor Who

she was one of the colonists in probably Colony in Space. Anyway, is that right? Yeah. Helen Worth,

is she one of the queens of the street who's had several surnames? Oh, yes. Oh, maybe. She was Gail Tilsley as well, wasn't she? I know her as Gail Tilsley because Chris Quentin is my vintage of Coronation Street.

Ah, yes. Do you know who that is, Al? No. Chris Quentin played a character who, he was like a heartthrob garage person. He was a garage mechanic and he was very much, yeah, oh, he was a big old heartthrob, Chris Quentin.

There was a terrible moment when he was on The Word with... What was that actress's name? And they had her on the line, I think, or he was on the line, and she said, you never return any of my phone calls on air. Oh, it was terrible, but of course brilliant. I am something of a student of awkwardness and it really was.

It was, even at home where I was safe, you know, I was like the warder looking through the prison door peephole. They couldn't get at me. But even so, that made, slightly dislocated my shoulders. I squirmed

somewhat. Golden Age of Telly there on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Can we please discuss, I would say, it is one of my favourite shows. It's in my top three favourite shows

on British television Dog the Bounty Hunter? No Close but no cigar aficionado I know what it's going to be Is it? Ah My next guest was going to be

Can't pay, we'll take it away Ow, you're not wrong. I love a bit of bailiff's action. I know that's wrong. It's the schadenfreude. I adore Mastermind. I really do. You adore what?

Mastermind. What's wrong with you? It's all right. I think that's fine. What are you laughing at? It just sounds funny. What does? We're all different. But you What does? We're all different.

But you know what? We're all gods chilling. Oh, what's it? Tell me what you're laughing at. I think it's normally, even posh people say mastermind, do they? No, they don't. Maybe they don't.

If Boris Johnson was talking to you, he wouldn't say, hello, I'm just calling to check if you've recorded mastermind. I saw a clip of Boris Johnson. No, take a wee smog. He doesn't say, hello, I was wondering, Emily, if you'd recorded tonight's episode of Mastermind.

No, actually, you're right. Thank you, we speak differently. I'm loving the gang you've put yourself in. I saw a clip. I'm trying to be more likeable. Boris Johnson was on the telly this morning and you know that politicians try to say, I'm just like you.

I'm an ordinary person. I think this was an accidental one, but he was at some school or something, doing something, and he picked up some sellotape to do this thing and he couldn't find the end of it. And you could see, like, his punky fingers. You know when you run your fingernail around trying to find it

and I thought that's probably won him about 10 million votes people watching that thinking yeah he's like us we know how that feels you share our pain

Boris well I apologise my pronunciation is a little off now let's go with Mastermind okay

no you know I mean you call it that as well I think you should call it. No, let's go with Mastermind. I mean, you call it that as well. I think you should call it Mastermind, and I'll call it Mastermind. So, Mastermind, they have... I mean, the Celebrity Edition is obviously my favourite. I have a question. Is it? I would call that... Frank, have you ever been asked to be on it? I have been asked to be on it, yeah.

And why have you not? Well, I sort of i'm slightly resentful of the fact that celebrity any quiz show that they always take the standard of the questions down quite a bit and it's interesting that because i think there was a time maybe 30 years ago when people thought that brighter people got on in the world. But now, years of reality TV, we've come to think that it's the age of the imbecile. So if you're going to put them on telly, let's take it, you know, first question, red or black. So, yeah, so I don't really, I didn't fancy the celebrity one.

Although it did have one of my favourite rounds of all time. Who is the woman who we watch on telly every morning doing a sort of points of view where the BBC takes... You know the woman with the great hair? Oh, oh. the BBC takes... You know the woman with the great hair? Oh. Oh. Oh. Anyway, she did Space 1999 as a specialist subject.

And I think got every... And she's like an intellectual... Samira Ahmed? Yes. Yes. Yes. Very good. Yeah.

And she did Space 1999. I mean, that was a choice. What about Murray Walker, Formula One. I mean, what a choice. What about Murray Walker, Formula One? I mean, come on. Did he? Yeah, he did. That's not fair, is it?

He did Formula One. What about Mylene Clatt? Sex and the City Season 3. Season 3? I think it was just one season she did anyway. I'm not watching two box sets the night before. So we're discussing Mastermind. Yeah.

And the particular... We are, we're discussing Mastermind. Oh, yes. What are we discussing, Frank? Mastermind. Oh, yes. Lovely. What are we discussing, Frank? Mastermind. Lovely. Used to be hosted by one of the most generous, big-hearted TV presenters of all time, Magnanimous Magnanimouson.

Can I just say? The only word to be known. The stick I got for Bill Qualey. Yeah, I'm also thinking maybe I should have slipped in Magnanimous earlier in the show and explained what it meant. And then it would have been a callback. I don't want people going to their Google dictionary and then coming back to the joke to work it out. It's good that you include the groundlings. You're like one of the great writers, aren't you?

Yeah, exactly. I've got a big stick with a thing on the end that I can prod them. He's lovely like that. Like me with my pals Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson. Exactly. Can we discuss the grand final, which sounds like something at the, you know, the grand final. What I love about it, I just want to briefly say, is that they've stuck with the chair.

You know, most shows, they get a rebrand, don't they? The music goes a bit bow-chicka-wow-wow. say is that they've stuck with the chair you know most shows they get a rebrand don't they the music goes a bit wow wow yeah the chair becomes a pink fuchsia rather than double glazing firm 1977 yeah they've stuck with it frank no they can't it gets called it gets called the daunting black chair yeah do you guys find it daunting i think I would if I was on there, because people do say that your brain starts to seize up a bit when you're actually in the chair. I remember Bob Holness used to say at the end of a gold run,

oh, it looks easy on telly, but you should try standing here and do it. Have you ever seen those chairs that Have you seen those chairs that walkers take with them that look like a stick with a catcher's mitt on the end

Oh yeah, a shooting stick Yeah, is that actually a seat? Is that what it is? Yeah, but it used to be a shooting I would find that a daunting chair to the studio floor either I'm a bit you find door daunting 8 12 15 that's a daunting chair it could be the Graham Norton red chair which I was in recently very cool which they said to me is daunting they said to me Wicker is daunting They said to me

Of the red chair They said it's It's completely Don't worry It's quite safe Does it hurt the red chair? As I sat in it A young woman

Appeared with a form And said Can you sign this Just to get my It's the daddy saddle All over again Oh we still haven't Talked about the

Mastermind finder Well we've got We we still haven't talked about the mastermind final. Well, we've got another hour. We can recreate the entire show. And we've got to discuss the crystal trophy made by Dennis Mann. Is that who made it? John Humphrey says it like we all know who that is. He goes, and of course, we'll take home the winner's trophy made by Dennis Mann. Who's Dennis Mann?

I think he means it's a product of humanity. by a Dennis Mann. I think he means I think he means it's a product of humanity and he uses Dennis Mann as a general

term for humanity's industry and inventiveness. The truth is man-made. Yeah. Oh,

lovely Al. We can't talk about that. No. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Still after those voiceovers for the... Very good. And many have texted.

We've had a couple of similar texts on the subject of naming the quail two different people 776 and 880 have suggested McQuailestracken nice, oh lovely both spelt slightly different

but the same joke which is fine lovely lady McQuailestracken, well I don't know if I've ever met her but I just remember looking at her and thinking, she exuded niceness. That's nice. But we were talking about Mastermind, weren't we? We were.

And so we should say the final happened this week and the winner of the Dennis Mann trophy... Dennis Mann trophy. Dennis Mann. This year. Engraving glass goblets for TV. And I think it's going to be. Anyway. It was called Jonathan Gibson, who is the youngest ever winner.

Yes. Of Mastermind. Is he 24 or something like that? He's 23, 24. What I loved, he had a sort of Walter the Softie vibe. Yeah. Can I say Walter the Softie in the TV version of Dennis the Menace has been turned into a sort of a master villain

because I think bullying the school softie is no longer quite rightly acceptable in 2021. And so now he deserves it, whereas before he was just... I remember there was a member of... Because he had a sort of counterculture gang of his own, Walter. Oh, did he? Yeah, of softies. Would you have been in the softies or in Dennis' gang? I'd like to think I'd have

gone into... We know which gang you were in. I would have been artist in residence in Dennis' gang. But one of Walter's gang was called Dudley Nightshirt. I remember which I always very much liked. It's very funny.

So, Jonathan Gibson I mean, I really fell for very much liked. It's very fun. So, Jonathan Gibson, I mean, I really fell for Jonathan Gibson. He had it all. He had the 1950s Eton haircut. But what I loved about him...

I tell you what, he had a hint of hair flick about him. Oh, did he? From allow, allow. That's what he looks like, yeah.

What I liked, guys, is that he said in the little VTs they do the sort of Strictly Come Dancing. See, I hadn't watched Mastermind for a while. I didn't know

they did those. So they do introductory VTs with a little bit about their life. With a little biog. They don't do it for all of them, Frank,

just the grand final. Oh, I see. And he said, did you see this boy? He said, well, I'm from Glasgow. And then they cut to his family saying, oh oh we're so proud of him

it's amazing how well he's done sorry what's happened here? But there aren't enough people on TV like Jonathan Gibson Yeah but his claim was he said yes people think it's wrong that my family don't understand why I speak like this

and he said the theory is that I was given a Winnie the Pooh read by Stephen Fry audiobook when I was a child and I decided that that was how we're supposed to speak. Yeah, of course. No wonder they want independence. I mean, I went to Eton, but I watched a lot of Emmadale Farm. That's how I ended up like this.

The highlight for me of the VT package was, oh, man, they had Gavin Fuller on, who was the youngest winner of Mastermind. And so he was confronted with talking to this guy who was possibly going to take his long-held crown. I think since like 93 or something. 1993 he was. The youngest in 1993. That's not his age.

And he said, he said, so they said, yes, he's gone all the way through to the final and he had a complete, he didn't get anything wrong in the semi-final. And he said, yeah, it seems an impressive achievement you've done there. That's how he started. I thought, I can see how this is going with Gavid. And then he says, yes, I remember. He said, of course, the final is a very different kettle of fish.

That's frightening. Frightening. He says, but you never know, you might have to take on the burden of being the youngest ever. I thought, wow! This is kind of an anti-pep talk. And at the end of it, poor old Jonathan said, well, that was really great to hear from Gavin.

I really feel uplifted by that. I thought, well, what you want to do, mate, is listen to it again. I mean, fair play to Gavin. He wants to hold on to his youngest ever crown, you know. Don't we all, dare. It was fabulously undermining respect. Geordie has said on the way, this is to do with spoiler alerts, on the way into the cinema

to watch The Usual Suspect, someone had marked the promo poster with a big arrow pointing at the culprit saying, it's him. Oh, cruel. We're discussing Mastermind and... No, you don't say it like that now. We say Mastermind.

I say Mastermind. And we're discussing... I had to call the whole thing Parsh. We're discussing Jonathan Gibson, who I adore, I have to say. A top man. And he was just great. He knew

absolutely everything, Frank. I knew his first question in the specialist. So his specialist subject for the final was Flanders and Swan. Yes. Do you know Flanders and Swan? Oh, yes. Why are you laughing again, Al? I would say Flanders, but it's fine. What would you say, Frank?

We can switch that as well. Frank, what would you say? I'd say Flanders. I'm really fine with this. You know what I mean? Yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah, I don't want to make it, like, divisive. No, that'd be terrible. Okay. Flanders and Swan. you knew the first question? They were a double act.

The first question was, it was in their song about the hippopotamus. It says, mod, mod, glorious blood. Glorious mod. Nothing quite like it for... Oh, I knew that one. ...and they had to complete it, which was cooling the blood. I don't know if cooling the blood is actually a good thing to do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So I got that. After that, it lost me a bit. But I saw that, you see, there was quite a bit in the papers saying it's a bit weird, a 24-year-old doing Flanders and Swan, who last performed in 1967. But old Gavin Fuller, the friend of the show, youngest, he did the Crusades. Did anyone say

he's a bit young, isn't he, for doing the Crusades? What I liked about Jonathan Gibson... When you do the prep, you don't go and see your journal, you go and see history books. He answered some of the

questions. He stuck to surnames a lot. It was very head master addressing the boys on the way to Evensong. They said, which Bake Off judge, did you hear that Frank, was awarded a Damehood? Which costume designer?

Head. He's obviously got a method because he's a quizzer. Isn't he? Oh, is he? Yeah, he's a proper quizzer. And he'd got a method that you say your answer as fast as possible just to get that extra second. Now, when he got his general knowledge,

he did get a question that, you know that I'll start it so I'll finish? He got one right at the beginning so it paid off i knew a guy well i sort of knew his partner more but he had really quite a healthy sideline he did 15 to 1 but he'd also enter all these competitions in magazines and stuff and he won loads of money and gifts and things. From giving his life to quizzing. Yes. It can be done.

I bet we've got some listening to the show. Oh, we'll have some quizzers, won't we? I wouldn't be surprised. He didn't get the VT, the celebrity VT, though, sadly. Because I'm sure Flanders and Swan are... I think they're sadly past. They're no longer with us. However, so he did miss out on the...

I think their blood has cooled considerably. Oh, goodness me. Jimmy Carter sent a letter to one of the contestants. David Cronenberg did a video message. It's great. It's like when people used to do stars in their eyes and the people they were doing used to get in touch. And now they do it on Mastermind.

I wonder if the cast of Sex in the City wrote to Mylene Klaas. I don't know if Gavin heard from any of the Crusades. I think they've been cancelled, fair to say. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Listen, here's the thing I was sent a paperback novel today

Lovely I think it was actually by the author It was, it was by the author It was called Angela Jackson and she says, Dear Frank and then free stuff underlined We were only talking about how much we enjoy free stuff i know him so well but i'd say what's very clever about this book is it was wrapped within inside the jiffy bag it was

wrapped in wrapping paper with a ribbon beautifully wrapped and then when I come to look at this this paper that it's wrapped in yes it is the pattern is good reviews of this book well that's clever that's a very good idea isn't it I'll give you I'll give you an example Angela Jackson that's the author who sent this to. Angela Jackson is a Mary Wesley for the 21st century. Lovely. Who is Mary Wesley? Mary Wesley, I believe, wrote The Chamomile Law. Oh.

I'd like to think I'm the John Wesley for the 21st century with my comedian's prayer book. John Wesley was a preacher. Is this show just people asking who's so and so Wesley Yes it is yeah I've never read the chamomile lawn but it doesn't sound like my cup of tea Absolutely fine work

So she said I think you'll particularly like she says in her note Angela Painted 184 and 279. And then I realised the book is partly set at the Edinburgh Festival, and I'll give you an example

on I'm In It, is the thing. Oh! On one of them I'm talking with Dara O'Brain. Is that how you say it? I never got it right. Right. But Dara, it's me talking to him, and on page 279, this is what, this person starts doing gigs.

Oh, I meant to say someone, this is what a friend says to him, I meant to say someone from work went to your gig. She wondered if you could get Frank Skinner's autograph for her mum. Very, I mean, ages them still. Mark straightened up and looked across Princess Street Gardens at people who seemed to be living simple, unblackmailed lives. I said you might not have access to him,

said Johnny, running backwards. I like it, though. I do like being in a book. Yes. So thank you for that, Angela, and I shall read you. I'll be honest, I haven't read a novel in a book. Yes. So thank you for that, Angela, and I shall read you. I'll be honest, I haven't read a novel for a while. So I'll give it a go.

It's got great reviews, though. Go on to the wrapping paper. It's like, you know, when you used to get fish and chips and then get the news from about three days ago. EURL, compelling with a northern nod to one's sentimental compassion and wry wit. I mean, come on. As soon as I've finished, I'll pass it on to you. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We have some outside world things, which are, well, it's interesting because we've been discussing the quails, haven't we? Yes. This morning. Yes. And someone said many years ago I was given some quails. Okay.

Later out. You sure this doesn't mean quailudes? No. This is from a correspondent of ours in Norfolk called Bob White. Many years ago, I was given some quails. You sure it's not Bernard Matthews from Norfolk? Many years ago, I was given some quails, and that's one of the best sandwiches I've ever had.

Later on, I found out they were a breed called Bob White. Oh, wow. I didn't know whether to be pleased or offended. That's quite nice, though. Yes, what about that? What a great gift for Bob White. I know, I was pleased for him. I was really pleased for him.

OK, I must... When are we going to get my mate Dr Skull? I'm trying to think of something to buy him. You can tell that was going to be a Dr. White joke and I cleaned it up

yeah okay yeah so can we talk about what used to be the big event

of the week that we used to talk about for ages on the show but now seems quite low key

and we'll just talk about it briefly okay what's that that was the Oscars

oh yeah did you watch the Oscars? I thought he was going to say the Brits, Al. No, no one did, did they? Well, you've done a few corporate gigs, Al. I certainly have. You know when you do like double glazing salesperson of the year in a function

room at an East Midlands four-star hotel. Yeah. I don't like to show off, but I once hosted the Kitchen, Bedroom and Bathroom Awards at the Excel Centre. Oh well, this was no Excel. This was like a function room in a four star hotel. Elton John, Sir Elton John

said it looked like a Starbucks. That was his. Oh by the way we need to point out the tilt handing anniversary was a few weeks ago when our readers got in touch. I'm Tilt-Handing. Yeah, that was when Elton sang I'm Still Standing without the

aspirant. Is it the aspirant? Is that the name of that sense? So when I'm Tilt-Handing better than I ever did. Yes, it was an unusual thing, I think, perhaps for a bit. Yeah. Can I just return us momentarily to the Oscars?

Didn't they go presenter-free? They went without a presenter? No, no. Regina King sort of hosted it. Oh. So she kind of... It was stripped down. They went without a comic,

so as far as you two are concerned, there was no presenter. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I read that it had gone presenter-free, because I didn't watch it, but the article I saw said it hadn't got a presenter, and I thought, well, I knew that driverless cars were going to affect driving jobs, but I didn't think Zoom conferences were going to affect awards ceremonies. I think there was a deliberate attempt to...

I mean, obviously, there are certain Covid restrictions, but I think there was a deliberate attempt to... I mean, obviously there are certain COVID restrictions, but I think there was also... I recently watched a brilliant thing from the old Vic and it was the Lorax sort of live on your laptop. You know, you watched it and it was brilliant. But what was brilliant about it is because the original production was written for the theatre. They'd stripped it they

called it a scratch production yeah so they stripped it down so it really worked on on your laptop they should do it again it was great i loved it and um it was like that it's like they said well we can't do the full oscars thing so we're just really gonna make it lo-fi and I kind of liked it in that respect but it did look fabulously cheap but as Bob Geldof once said to me that suit looks great on you

Frank because it looks cheap and we almost got on very well me and Bob Geldof Goodness me Oh terrible bloke And we almost got on very well, me and Bob Geldof. Goodness me. Terrible bloke. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Thomas Coles has been in touch. I had Data's death spoiled by Star Trek magazine. Well, that's one we can all relate to. I had Tom Baker's appearance in Day of the Doctor spoiled by Tom Baker just telling a journalist about it. Well, this might cheer you up,

Frank. We've had Baby Monkey news coming. Oh, we forgot it now. Text us 626. Baby Monkey isn't an actual song. It's a meme. In the video, the baby monkey is actually riding backwards on a pig.

They're the correct words, riding backwards on a pig. It's very funny as it happens. Oh, riding backwards on a pig. Baby monkey. I feel like we're now recommending memes to people. Yeah, we don't. This is a bit like when broadsheet newspapers put in Twitter comments into news articles. Yes, yes.

Well, we don't have the baby monkey thing, but I'm just going to play this because I love it. Hi. Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo. OK, so the Oscars, by the way, I'd seen one film that was mentioned in the whole ceremony. Michael Owen? Yeah, exactly.

He's seen seven films, one of which... Do you remember which one, guys, he liked? Seabiscuit. Ah, well done, Alan. Fantastic. When I see Biscuit, I... The only film I'd seen was the Chicago 7 film. You know that one?

Oh, yes. Oh, OK, I've not seen that. Promising Young Woman, I loved. Very, very good. See, I had seen nothing, but there was one called My Octopus Teacher, which I was very... Oh, yes, I was relieved to...

It wasn't a classroom groper. It was. It was a proper octopus. I was rather concerned when I heard the title of that. It was a genuine octopus. We've all been there, love. I'm quite keen to check that one out. But Nomadland, we should say, you may be aware, Frank,

is Gareth Richards' loved friend of the show and contributor. It's his brother, of course, Joshua James Richards, who won Best Cinematographer BAFTA. You're joking! And was nominated at the Oscars.

Joshua, remember the good-looking brother he always talked about? Yes, he always talked about the good-looking brother. Now he's got a whole new reason to resent him and be jealous

and feel hopeless. Exactly that, yeah. And it's Joshua James Richards' girlfriend, Chloe, who won Best Director. You are... Wow! Yes! That was amazing.

If I know anyone who's done well, apart from the obvious pain of that, it always shocks me. The Oscars feels like a million... I know. There's this weird thing, isn't there, that the status of actors, is film actors are the most high status

and then television and then theatre, whereas, in fact, of course, it's upside down because theatre is the hardest thing to do. Yeah, yeah. It's all right when you can do retakes and do dobs and get helped in the edit. I think Gareth's family were actually the vast majority of the viewing figures for the

Oscars this year. Yeah, but that's really amazing. It's quite something. I know, I know. It's all gone a bit Jack Thorne in the family. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I know. It feels to have a more successful member of the family. It makes you feel inadequate and

hopeless. I don't believe me. Oh, I don't. No? Well, search around. No, you're the star in your family. Well, so am I, but that's because I'm the only one left. Yeah. Wow. And on that note... What a way to end the show.

Wow. Respect, Armando. Thank you. I mean, it's a great line, but for those around you, where's the next step after that, after we've fallen through the ice? Do you apologise? No, no, don't apologise. You've earned the right.

Somebody also thanked Macro at the Oscars, which, as you know, is the wholesale warehouse that we were on. Fair play. Yeah, I mean... Someone wants a macro card. They'll do anything to get a macro card, these Oscar winners. Oh, man, I think it was the octopus, actually. Imagine how much he could carry.

I'm taking him on... Not that dodgy teacher again. I'm taking the octopus on supermarket suite. I wonder if he's still alive, the octopus. Anyway, so I'm going to... I'm glad you've ended it on a brighter note. Exactly, it's better than here. Yes, not only is he dead, but so is his whole...

Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us this morning. I always appreciate it. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.