The Frank Skinner Show - Drake

Episode Date: April 18, 2015

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank gets nostalgic for books and all sorts. Emily explains Drake and Coachella to the boys and the team also discuss the chess cheat! Of course there is a trip to Email corner and guess what...Frank breaks the no Doctor Who rule!

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. With the big, bold flavour of HP sauce. Making breakfast legendary. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website, but do not text this week because we ain't live. We are many things, but we are not live this week.

OK? We are a recording. It's a free rep. For jokes, press 1. For music, press 2. OK. I can't imagine how many 2s have been pressed around the country now. Oh, I know.

That's a worry, isn't it? That's the way it goes. Morning, Jim. Morning. Morning, now. Oh, I know. That's the worry, isn't it? That's the worry. That's the way it goes. So, um. Let me get your chin there. Morning, Jim. Morning. Morning, everyone. Morning, Richie. Whoops. Drop something.

Drop your pen. It's all right. I've picked it up. It won't be needed. Do you know what I like about the pre-rec? As I believe the producer calls it, when she tries to sound a bit technical, Frank, like she knows what she's doing. Mm-hmm.

There's lots more food. Yes. They've got all sorts here. There's more serving. Yeah, jelly babies. It's like a Hampton Court banquet. I had sushi before you guys even got here. Do you think the people on the Titanic

talked about the pre-rec? It was great on the pre-rec after. Not so good. It was damp. Yeah. In extreme. Mmm. I, um...

You all right? That wasn't me. That wasn't me? No, I just genuinely asking if you were all right. Oh, yeah, I'm all right wasn't me. That wasn't me? No, I'm just genuinely asking if you're alright. Oh yeah, I'm alright. You both dropped your pens. Yeah, yeah. Actually, we've been sent some pens.

Do you remember you got your freebie of the, what was it called again? The Peerless 125. The Peerless 125. Yes, I was sent, for new readers, I was sent a deluxe fountain pen. Well, I have in my hand a letter. We were sent a letter from Vlastimil Buzek. Hello, Emily and Alan. Hello.

Not Frank. My name is Vlastik, and I became a regular listener of your podcast. It came to my attention that Frank Skinner has a new fountain pen, and you haven't got any. Having recently purchased a whole box of disposable Bic fountain pens, I feel it is my moral duty to send a pair of pens to you two. Sharing is caring! Exclamation mark.

I'm good, thanks, Plastic. Thanks so much. I've got a lot of pens, Frank. Okay, well, I'm happy to have one. The letter carries on, but it says, P.S. Frank cannot have one, which is why I bring it to your attention. I think it's a fun P. PS. I think he's being funny. OK, I've got what I call the Trevi of the fountain pens.

If Frank can't have one and Emily doesn't want one, then that means Alan gets two, doesn't it? It's not that I don't want one, it's just that I've got a Dior pen. Have you? Yes. You've got your peerless 125 or whatever it's called. Your writing smells lovely. You've got your Peerless 125 or whatever it's called. I bet your writing smells lovely. Speaking of writing, I was talking to a man this last weekend,

and he said to me... I hope this is about writing rather than just a really clunky segue. No, no, it is about writing. Speaking of writing, I was talking to a man. It sounds... I mean, stick around. You know I don't encourage praise on this show, but he said to me, I read your autobiography, he said I really, really enjoyed it. He said I thought it was great. I said, oh, thanks very much.

He didn't say, I've known him, he's a lovely bloke. He's more of a physical man, man's man, than a reader, I thought, but no, he was discerning in the extreme. And I said, I didn't know you were a reader, I thought, but no. He was discerning in the extreme. And I said, I didn't know you were a reader, particularly. He said, well, I'm reading War and Peace at the moment. Oh. Eh? Oh.

And I actually heard myself say, unironically, which is better, would you say? What, your book, or War and Peace? Yes. Frank, how embarrassing. And he said to me, I haven't finished War and Peace yet. The jury's out. We'll see how it goes with that one.

So I said, yeah, but so far. It's really hard to tell. Because I think it's fair to say War and Peace, it's a game of two halves. There's war. Mm-hm. Yeah. And then there's the inevitable. I'll be honest, I haven't read War and Peace, it's a game of two halves. There's war. Mm-hm. Yeah. And then there's the inevitable.

I'll be honest, I haven't read War and Peace, I don't think, but I've read your book, and I prefer your book to most Russian literature. There you go. I think... You can have that for the cover. I think, truthfully, most people would do. And yet again, in a pre-record, I'm missing the opportunity to start a texting. Which is best?

Frank's book or Russian literature? And the great thing is I just know that we'd have a lot of readers who have read War and Peace. But they can always email us. You're not completely excluded. Don't hit that for a second. But, you know, I got greedy. I wanted to be better than War and Peace.

It reminded me... Well, I'll tell you what it reminded me of after this baby. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, yeah, that thing of trying to get one over on Tolstoy reminded me, I used to have the soundtrack album of the 1966 World Cup, which was Match Commentaries. And then at the end a series of interviews

with the winning England team it was a time when I had about eight albums so I played it quite a lot and I remember

they interviewed Geoff Hurst now Geoff Hurst has just scored a hat trick in the World Cup final and I remember his words exactly

and they said what a tremendous achievement you know and I bet you'd love to do that for West Ham every what a tremendous achievement, you know. And I bet you'd love to do that for West Ham every week. Just a bit of, you know, bants. Bants.

Hashtag bants. Very happy to see you using bants. It was just bants. One day I ever thought I'd see. But Geoff picks it up and he runs with it. Geoff, I remember very clearly, he says, if I could score one or even two goals for West Ham every week, this would be great.

And it's always stopped with me that this would be great as a concept. Silly Jeff Hurst and his greediness. And, of course, he didn't do that. And let that be a lesson to any young kids that are listening. Don't ask for too much in life. Silly Jeff Hurst. Infinitely preferable to compare your book to Warren Pitt.

It's a strange thing to advise young kids. Don't try and be like Jeff Hurst. Yes, exactly. With these three goals in a World Cup final. How passe. On a compliment. I'm like Frank. I'm a bit of a Dracula

for a compliment. I crave them. You seek them? Yes, I do. Where do you stand on them? I think we're all like this, aren't we? We all ask for them and regret doing so, surely. I took my son to a martial arts sort of a drop-in class last week that I was going to. Martial arts, obsessed.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I don't like to bang on about it. It's like being on a show with Hong Kong Fooey. It is a bit. But on the way back... It's like being on a show with Hong Kong Fooey. It is a bit. But on the way back- It's like being on a date with Kale Bell. On the way back, I foolishly said, was it fun with the other guys? Because some of the other guys took him aside and taught him bits. And he went, yeah, yeah. And I said, did they teach you stuff that you liked? And he went, yeah. I went, were they better at teaching

you than me? Why did I say that? Because, of course, he went, yeah. Like, really, really, just don't ask for the compliment. What an idiot. Yeah, I remember trying that. What do you like better, me or Peppa Pig? I said to my son. I was going to lose that. So I'm going to lose that.

Of course he was going to go pig. Yeah, of course. I realise that now. And what I haven't talked about, actually, is, you know, I gave up chocolate for Lent. You did knock the sweeties on the head. Yeah, I'm back now. Back. So we have jelly babies.

We have jelly babies today. But my first chocolate is always a bit of a moment after Lent. Oh, yeah. Because you can't have it till Easter Sunday. And then there's a lot of it about, presumably. There is, there is. But I got my first chocolate from a vicar, an Anglican vicar. I don't know what's happened to this stuff.

No. Is he trying to poach? Well, I was actually, I went to an Anglican service on Easter Sunday. I was a bit of a faith tourist. Yeah, like in a way shirt. Yeah, exactly. Like when you go and see like Real Madrid versus Barcelona you know, you don't really care who wins but it's a change.

So at the end of it, he came over to me. They're very nice, the vicars. Vicars are, you know. Are they? He'd done one of those. I'll tell you what, I'm a fan of the Jesuits, just so you know. Oh, okay. Well, they're the very opposite, of course.uits, just so you know. Oh, OK. They're the very opposite, of course, of the Anglican. Oh, dear. Awkward. No, I love the Jesuits. The Pope is a Jesuit.

Oh, is he? Oh, they read a lot, Jesuits. They're very learned. They do. Whereas the Anglican... It's a lovely book, but his sermon was he held up a big egg, like a cardboard egg, and it was, like, cracked, and every part of the shell had got a different thing on it,

and you had to put it back together. It's not my kind of work. It's work! But at the end of it, he gave me a chocolate egg, and taking a chocolate egg from an Anglican vicar felt like Judas receiving the 30 pieces of silver vicar felt like judas receiving the the 30 pieces of silver i felt like i'd done something wrong and he was a lovely bloke because i think most anglican vicars are did you have it did i eat i ate it yeah all right it's not fan food isn't it

is it countless fan food if it's from an anglican no yeah anglican food i haven't thought about that No, it is Anglican food. I haven't thought about that. Yeah, so it was milk chocolate as well, which is not normally how I work. Right. I thought you loved a milk, Owen. I do, I do. But when I've been off the chocolate for six weeks...

You need the dark ramp. Yeah, exactly. I break myself in with some plain chocolate, which no-one, to be truthful, really likes. Likes? It makes me feel violently ill. Yeah, plain chocolate is... Hmm. Plain chocolate, which no one, to be truthful, really likes. Likes? It makes me feel violently ill. Yeah, plain chocolate is... Hmm.

Plain is well-named. And I usually have a bit of that, and I think, you know, I think any minute now, milk, and then lovely. But I went straight in. I love your approach to life. It's very Herr Scher, isn't it? I don't have what I want immediately. No.

I like that, though. You're very good at delaying gratification. But I did. I took a Protestant shortcut, is what I did. I'm the opposite, of course. I want everything now. We can just use that as a trailer. Sums up.

We'll write that down. I'm the opposite, of course. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Write that down. I'm the opposite, of course. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, last week, some of our regular readers may recall, I talked about

a rather tragic app I'd purchased on my phone. What was that? £1.49. Oh, yeah. Poetry News Update. Oh, that's so sad. Which, um... Poetry News Update, they should call it. Of which there is no update. Still hasn't. There's still no update. And you still haven't, have you?

There has been no Poetry News for three weeks. What's happened to poetry? Although this is pre-record, by the time this goes out, you could have, like... The worst thing is, as I've said, is it buffers. It buffers on me and builds up my hopes. Sounds like it's not downloaded properly. You know the Wheel of Fortune buffering starts going round

and you think, here it comes, it's going to be something about, you know... Donkey Baclark. A statue of Louis McNeice. And then nothing. I've actually... I'll tell you what I did. I had a thing come from, who sells you your apps? I beg your pardon? iTunes?

iTunes, maybe. They sent me a receipt. Other app providers are available, aren't they? Yeah, I'm sure. I don't know, are they? So they sent me an app receipt for it, 149. I love the way you say they sent me, like there's men in a room saying, we'd better get that receipt together for Frank Skinner.

When it come in, someone must press the button. So anyway, it came, and I thought it was rubbing my nose in it, that 149 thing. So I thought, what I'll do is I'll forward this to my personal assistant and then ask her to point out to them that the Poetry News update is not updated. Uh-huh. So, um... Did she fire up a message?

So I said, when you get back to work, could you tell them that Poetry News update is not functional? And then I pressed reply and I sent it to iTunes. Oh, how did that work out? Well, I don't know. I haven't heard back from them yet. I don't know if they're going to think, oh, that's obviously not meant for us, or thought, hold on, not functioning.

Let's sort this one out. But I'll keep you... We haven't heard anything. No one's offered, because I asked for help. There's been nothing. There's been no help. There's been no Poetry News update update. I think it is a scam, honestly.

What a rubbish scam. But I like the fact that we're now updating you on the fact that you've updated... I'm going to be... We're going to use an update a lot in the fourth week. They're clever though, Alan. It's a targeted crime because they know the sort of lovely, gentle types that would download the poetry app aren't going to get aggressive about chasing down that money. The misjudged Frank.

The misjudged Frank. We'll see about that, I'll tell you, because I see myself... I'm the champion now of other victims. I mean, imagine how many people have bought that app. You're probably the hardest of all people. I'm probably the only person.

No, Al, please, imagine how many people have bought that app. I don't need to, I think I know them all. I see myself as a bit like Joanna Lomley with the Gurkhas. Oh, yeah. I have to fight their corner. That did not work out that well, though, did it? Well, I think, didn't it?

Well, they got here and then they all were unhappy, so... Yeah, well, I don't mind. If the op don't came and I didn't like them, I can't argue with that. But they... They're not calm, as they say in the Caribbean. And that's what breaks my heart Skinner

Dean and Cochran Together the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio On the poetry front I know people are saying, oh, it's such a weird absolute radio, they're always going on about poetry, but I heard Christian O'Connell do a long thing

the other day about words, words, the prelude, went on and on. But, you know, it was done with passion. I, when I was a school school boy i was very into these um i had two books called penguin modern poets one was the mersey poets do you remember those guys roger mcgough and oh yes yeah and that and the other one was the beat poets oh yeah i actually read one out in the school assembly it was uh lawrence ferland get his sometime during eternity do you know it no i don't anyway I actually read one out in the school assembly. It was Lawrence Ferland Getty's Sometime During Eternity. Do you know it?

No, I don't. Anyway, so those books got lost in the mist of time. I recently went on eBay and re-bought them. Oh, that's not true. Because they're out of print now. Are they? Yeah. Oh, yeah, go on.

That surprises me. I bet they were quite battered. They wouldn't have been MIB, as I believe it's called in the trade. What is MIB? Mint in Box. Mint in Box. What is MIB? Mint in Box. Mint in Box. It's the toys normally. They weren't Mint in Box.

B-N-W-T, brand new with tags. Although I bought some matchmakers and they... Still in the box. Mint in Box. It's a lovely joke. Yeah. So tell me about the first one. It's rare that the sentence can sound like it means exactly the opposite of what the words in it are, isn't it?

I prefer mint in box. No, I always walk like this. Thanks for the tip. But also, I also bought, you may recall, I think I told you about this, I bought a Dan Dare set off eBay, which was a toy I had when I was a kid. I do think I remember this, yes. Yeah, it was a thing that you used to do Morse code on to contact people in outer space. And I'm not saying it did.

You listened to Absolute Fifties. Yes. Well, I also, I've just noticed these things. I've also bought some back issues of TV21 comic, which had stuff like Thunderbirds in it. and I think I've gone into rewind on my life definitely regressing

and I'm not a nostalgic man aren't you? No! What? No I tell you! Oh I've really misread you. Or as we used to say no no no no and I'm re-reading the Pickwick Papers, which is a book I read many years.

You've read it in the past, Frank. I am. Absolutely ready for the decade stations. I love a Lady Bird book. Yeah. Would you read one now? No. Do you see that's it?

I think I'm going the same way as Angus Young from ACDC. You want another one in the school uniform? Yeah. He probably thought, it'd be nice short trousers this weather actually a cap cap looks all right controls my hair yeah don't don't want to look too scruffy don't start being one of those collectibles people no you know when there's too much stuff in the house yes so everything's dirty and dusty and i won't be coming round. No, but then you get on a Channel 4 documentary about hoarding.

Yeah. And I might be glad of the work at that stage if I can't get out the host you to newspapers. That's what they like. They love a newspaper, them hoarders. Yeah. Like the entire room is shrunk by the width of a newspaper, isn't it? It's just... I had a friend whose wife was one of them hoarders.

Well, he said it was his wife. We always wondered. Hank, don't say sentences like that before you think I'm straight. You're sure you didn't mishear him? He called his wife a hoarder. Oh, definitely a hoarder. I believe he called her one of them hoarders. One of them hoarders! So we went round his house and you had to walk sideways down the hallway

because of the stuff piled like magazines and I remember the whole work surface was covered in buttons. Was it fun? Actually it was slightly terrifying. Yeah. What about that? What about that listeners?

It's been live this show do you think? I don't know. We'll see how it goes It's not like it when it gets weird like this I think we just carry on analysing it as we go That's always a good thing That's the way I play it The Frank Skinner Show

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 On Absolute Radio How do you feel about re-reading books, by the way? Oh, I've got nothing against it. You see, I kind of think none of us know how long we've got left. Shouldn't we be reading new books, not reading books we've already read before? Yeah, but the flip side of that is we don't know how long we've got left. If a book you enjoyed is worth a revisit, that could be time well spent, couldn't it?

It's a bit like saying, oh, I've seen that friend, I won't see them again. Well, that's the policy I have adopted more or less. So I see. I've been reading Tom Baker's autobiography. Again? This week. It's a strange purchase choice. It's meant to be great.

I've had that recommended to me by so many people. It's the most brutally honest book. And he's really hard on himself. But he has got no sense of direction. And he's frightened of water. Wow. Two things I share with Tom Baker. I'm so like you.

And you've both been in Doctor Who. And we've both been in Doctor Who. He has definitely, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so, basically... Has he got no sense of direction as well? Well, he, um... But people say that to me, and then they've got a bit of...

They don't know what it's like to have none. I mean, I... I tell you when... Here's the thing. When I pull off the motorway, I have a bit of a panic. You know when you get to that bit... This is at the services. Imagine what's like with the people sitting behind you. Yeah know, when you get to that bit, this is at the services.

Imagine what it's like for the people sitting behind you. Yeah. I'm driving along to the services, and then suddenly it says on the floor, fuel or cars. Yeah. And I'm always, and I've been driving for, whatever, 30-odd years. I always think, well, hold on, I want fuel, but I am a car.

Which one of the... And I have a bit of a... And I have ended up... You know when you can end up with the fuel thing and it's just big lorries? Oh, yeah. You and big lorries. That's horrible.

Oh, I always rather like it. Everyone's been a car in the big lorry bit. That's not just you. We all feel your pain. The trouble is, you know that the people driving the big lorries are not the sort of people who think, oh, that's unfortunate. Yeah, they've made it. Can I be honest? I've always found they're charming to me.

People who drive the big lorries. Maybe so. Yeah. But even though I like country and western music, they don't seem to bond with me at all. And a Yorkie. Even the one with one of those grubby teddies on the front. Oh, I love a grubby teddy.

What about that Michelin man? Remember they used to have a Michelin man on them? Yeah, it's changed. Now it's all laptops whilst driving. I used to feel so... You never get a pennant. I used to get pennants in the back of the cab. Oh, yeah.

I had some pennants for a German football club as I was growing up because I've got an uncle that lives in Germany. I think FC Hamburg. Some pennants? I always think Germany. I think FC Hamburg. Some penance. I always think of penance and FC Hamburg. I had some penance from my parish priest. Ten hour marys I had.

No one congratulated me on my football joke. Sorry, Emily. I said Jermaine when you said penance. Yes. I heard it. I just didn't like it. I didn't think it was a joke. I thought it was just a name check No it was a joke She was saying it was a germane reference to penance

Your sense of direction Is so bad It is bad I'm going to start calling you wrong direction That's my name That's your tribute band That's your one direction tribute band I see what's happened

When I walk with Kath down the street, she honestly points all the time. She, like, indicates, like, you know, hand signals. Right, where we're going. So she'll stick out her right arm, honestly, to point right, so I know which way to go. And she doesn't even think about it, now, she instinctively does it. It's a shame she can't point to various landmarks

so that you know, sort of, and we turn left at this post box. Look, there's the post box. I can't take on that kind of... So that wouldn't help him. How long have we been going to breakfast on this show? Five years? How many times have you ever got the direction right? You turn right all the time. But it's an illness. It's like taking the mickey out of somebody with a hot back.

I can't do anything about it. It's just there. Now, that is bad, doing that. You're both... Well, it depends on the circumstance. No, you can't do that. Them days are gone. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, this sense of direction thing of which we spoke culminated the other night when I was driving us back, me, Kath and Boz was in his child seat, and we were driving back and there were two spaces in our road. And I was driving and I said, which space should I go in? She said, just and I said, which space shall I go in? She said, just, I said, which space shall I go in? And it all got up here. Oh, I felt myself go, which space, which one shall I go in? I love it when you use that tone of voice.

Yeah, well, she doesn't. No. So she went into sock, and what I was actually asking her, which I didn't, was which one is nearest to our house? Right. But I didn't know. Because you were sort of our house? Right. But I didn't know. Because you were sort of lost on your own street.

I was lost on my own street. Such a shame. I've never felt sorry for you before. But now I do. Thanks for that. I have. Thank you. When was that?

I'm not going to talk about it on air. Okay, okay, fair enough. So, but the terrible panic of it. I couldn't find my own house. And as we know, as we've learnt recently, all boys should come home, please. What? That was the mnemonic that someone sent us last week

to remember the six wives of Henry VIII. Yeah, do you remember what they are? All boys should come home, please. Home, please, yeah. Do you remember the wives? Well, obviously I know them. Catherine of Aragon and Boleyn. Boleyn.

All boys should... Come on. more yes more calm yeah cleaves sleeves home howard please pa well you're done praying you've got them all right when i visualize it i have to cope with me looking through my brain while he was no i was i was very obviously going through a roller deck can i just say i obviously knew them all. Well, congratulations. I also instinctively, I've left the comma before Catherine Parr because she outlived him. So the comma seems right to me.

Yes. But yes, it's an illness. Oh, by the way, if, you know, I get things sent me. Oh, yeah. I was sent a very fine book called Space Helmet for a Cow. OK. By Paul Kirkley, which, as you probably guessed from the title, is the history of the Doctor Who TV series.

Oh, is it? Yes. And I am very much enjoying it, so that's lovely, isn't it? That's good, yeah. I'm doing well, just lately, on the things. You are. I wonder what's coming next. You've got a pen and a Doctor Who book.

Yes. Okay, that's lovely. Yeah, but you know, it's bringing me pleasure. I've got a handbag, her shoes. You know, money can't buy pleasure, let's face it. Actually, yeah, we've done alright on smellies through Emily. You've got your free pen, shut up.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8

FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. But don't text us today because we're not here. All this happened a couple of days ago. Sorry, but you know that's life.

Well, that told them, Frank, didn't it? I just don't want to send in text to an empty room How pathetic You're quite firm with them and I like that I don't nink We can Don't nink? I don't think

Have you got a cold? No I'm absolutely fine imagine me having to listen to you all the time Can I just say on the subject of reliving your life And having a cold My wife had a cold recently And we've both ended up having a trip down memory lane By saying I'll have a return ticket to Duttigam, please

On the 70s advert I'm amazed you're old enough to even know that Tunes, help me breathe more easily I'll have a return ticket to Duttigam, please I'm sorry to be a pedant I think so. I mean, we did YouTube. Oh, I thought it was one.

Oh, was it? Okay. Text in. No, don't text in. You can't text in. We're not here. Stop it. Stop it.

Too late. Press send. What is it that you think? Anyway, before you decided I had a cold. Yeah. Mike, can that be one of your characters? He's not remotely famous? Your impressions?

Oh, yeah. You know, that guy that's always got that cone who does an English. It's all right. I can use that. I can use that one, I think. A little, yeah. Always looking for a new voice.

I'm having that. That's in my collection. I wanted to talk about Madonna, was what I wanted to talk about. No, in the winter of any country. Good deal. Richard, you're doing Richard III in Nottingham. Yes, I'm doing it, I'm doing him with a cold.

Oh, really? Yes. He hasn't got the hump or the limp or anything. I thought a cold's enough. It's enough, isn't it, to suggest illness? If that was at the Edinburgh Festival, I'd pay £8 to go and see that. No in the winter of our new country,

my glorious summer, I need a son of yours. Anyway, shall we talk about Madonna? Yeah. I know no clown that will own a boat. All right, get him off. I can't help you. I know what you're talking about. Yes.

A terrible cold Richard III had. Well, I mean, it was windy in those days. Very drafty in those castles. People do sound like they've always got a cold. They do. Gabby Roslin, a bit like that. Does she? I won't lie, yeah. Mark Thingy, who does Football Focus sometimes.

What's he called? Pugach. Northern bloke. Pugach has gone. He's gone ITV. Oh, yeah, of course he has. All right. What's he called?

Chapman. Oh, yeah, yeah. He is very like that. Anyway, you were saying? Anyway, Let's not put Madonna in the corner It's her time She's had a bit of publicity She's not like her 56

Well she normally favours the J.D. Salinger approach She's letting the work speak for itself She's a lot like that She was at Coachella Are you familiar with the concept of Coachella? Can I say I saw the headline which said Madonna kisses Drake at Coachella. Yes.

I thought it's not going to be a doc show. Is it? Had you heard of Drake, Frank? I hadn't heard of Drake or Coachella. I was clutching on. Had you heard of Drake or Coachella? I was clutching on to Madonna. You know when you see at the end of a shipwreck

and there's a man holding on to a floating wardrobe? Yeah. It was like that. Thank God for Madonna, because nothing else in this sentence means a damn thing to me. Can I explain Coachella? It's one of those festivals. Mm.

You know those people that wear aviator shades and do jobs like club promoter? Oh, right. It's those sort of people. Someone described... I hate those people. And that's where they all gather. They all go there.

Someone said, I haven't seen so many people without jobs since the Great Depression, which I rather like. They sound like people who've all been out with Jerry Halliwell. That's exactly who it is. Okay. Anyway, so she was performing there and with Drake. Madonna was?

Yes. And where was Coachella? Was she back at home? Yeah, she was. there and with Drake. Madonna was? Yes. And where was Coachella? Was she back at home? Yeah, she was. She's that vampire football manager. She runs the women's effort. Why is it called Coachella? Because that's the name of the area, I believe.

Oh, I hate it. I hate it when that happens. Oh, I hate it. You've got to hate it somewhere because it's called something. I don't want to hate it. Try a bit harder. Latitude is not in the area of latitude. What about Glastonbury? Glastonbury's in Glastonbury, yeah.

They've done it. They've used up that idea. Mm-hmm. Woodstock. Well, that didn't last. Why? Because they named it after the local area instead of going for something witty. I'm not sure that was the problem. Wasn't that it?

Why did it start Woodstock? It was popular, wasn't it? I would satisfy a text in if we were live. I believe there might have been some incidents. That was Altamont. No, I think there were Woodstock incidents as well. There were some bad incidents at Woodstock. Woodstock, was there?

We'll Google them in the break. I don't think there was bad stuff at... At Woodstock. I think there were, yeah. Okay, well, I'll look into it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Anyway, we're in the terribly named Coachella Festival and Madonna's performing with Drake and she tends to wear pants.

No, Drake. Drake. Yes. Who is that person? Well, can I just say, I also was wondering the same thing. And whilst reading the Daily Mail article about Madonna and Drake, Drake is described as Drake, the truffle butter singer. So my guess is that he's a foodie, yeah?

I thought he looked like a bit of a truffle butter. Yeah. I love the truffle butter. He's a rapper. Is it supposed to describe him in that way, Daisy? Yeah. Is that what it is? He likes truffle butter He's a rapper Is it hard to describe him in that way, Daze? Yeah Is that what it is? He likes truffle butter

It's hard to get But I go to a little shop He gets it in And it's sweet But a little bit off It always smells Yeah, I know it, I know it Still going, the rapping

Can you believe it? Yeah It's easy, it's nice And that's why he sold five million albums. Five million? That is a lot of fans of Truffle Butter. It's not Charlie Drake. It's Drake. They're like presenters, aren't they? You know the way you get comedians who do jokes?

And then you get presenters who just talk. Broadcasters, yeah. Then you get singers who can sing. And then you get the presenter version of the singer. He's the rapper. Yeah. And I used to be obsessed with the gangsters. I did. I can show you.

I've got loads of albums of rap. But I didn't think it would last. I thought that was your euphemism when you had gangrene. You were obsessed with the gangsters. I haven't had the gangrene for a long time. Germaline, that was a way forward. Carry on. So he's just a fairly standard issue.

Yeah, he talks about money and his fame and women. Is he American? He's Canadian, I believe, yes. Another one. Same difference. He could be my specialist subject, my mastermind. I'm doing rather well. Anyway, Drake, he's quite, I'd describe him as all the rage, Frank.

Oh, OK. Right now. He's all the rage. Do you understand that? Oh, yes. Lovely. He's very on trend. Madonna likes teaming up with them when they're all the rage, doesn't she?

Yes, she does. Oh, God, doesn't she just? So she put the pants on. She was on the stage. She was stomping around in a pair of knickers, basically, on the stage. But she looked, I thought she looked attractive. Looked well. Good legs, good pair of pins.

Oh, she's my, you know, she's my catchment area now, mid-fifties. Yeah. That's what happens. You start looking at people out with their mum and think, oh, she's all right. You mean the mum? Mm-hm. It's all right, that's happened to me.

It's happened to me. I'm one of the lucky ones. It happened to me when reading about Harry Styles. Frank! One of the lucky ones. No, I do. You find yourself. You know, I want...

I like people who look a bit lived in. Yes. So... Anyway, so she's on stage. He's sitting in a chair in a slightly come-join-the-cabaret vibe. I don't know what was going on there. It was odd. It looked like they were doing an event act

and she'd suddenly sprung up from his lap, left him sitting there like a fool. He was looking slightly upset on that chair, I felt. Yeah. And suddenly, with no warning... I'm waiting for someone to throw him some bread. She grabbed him in what can only be described as a headlock. Yes, I know, I watched it. I did watch this. So you've seen the kiss. She kissed him on the mouth. She kissed him very what can only be described as a headlock Yes I know I watched it

She kissed him on the mouth For a while as well That was what was wrong with it I watched it And I thought That's a bit racy Still it was going on It went on too long

It felt the audience started talking amongst themselves It was a bit Olympics opening ceremony Yeah on too long. It felt the audience started talking amongst themselves. Yeah, yeah. It was a bit Olympics opening ceremony. Yeah, on the TV coverage, it had an advert break. They sold it. Came back, they're still in the same... I didn't... What did you think of it?

Was you all right? He was writhing. He did not look happy after it. He did that thing like... You look disgusted. Like a kid that's just tried squid or something like that. I thought there was a slight hint of... I'll be all right in a minute, Madonna.

No, I'll be all right. Just give me some air. Give me some air. Give me some... It looked a bit like that. It did. No, I don't know about you, but I'd quite like to be kissed by Madonna

just for the brag of saying I've been kissed by Madonna. He looked horrifying. I'll tell you exactly what he looked like. It reminded me of the facial expressions you and Alan pulled when I took off my jumper in the studio that time. No, but that was concern for you, because you forgot about the, what's it called, radio? Oh, the webcam.

Webcam, yes. Oh, God, the modern world gets more complicated. Where's my Dandair set? God, the modern world gets more complicated. Where's my dandair set? Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So, I think Drake will be fine. I really think he will. I think he will, yeah. I think he'll recover. What if he got something? A bug. If he got some sort of illness, now everyone will blame it on Madonna. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think he'll recover. What if he got something? A bug. If he got some sort of illness now if you want to blame it on Madonna. Yeah.

Oh dear. Can I tell you what I objected to? Not her age, obviously but I objected to seeing anyone kissing like that in public quite honestly. I'm getting like you Frank. I don't want to see that. Well look I know you can't always reverse the sexual role things on these but if you imagine

me on stage in underwear and let's say that was 28 let's say it was lady sovereign sitting on that chair not heard of her for a while she got a phone call asking to be on stage with you maybe that's cry with happiness okay maybe let's say Miss Dynamite, he. And I went over and suddenly snogged her like that. I think that would be it for me. I'd be finished. Yeah. But Madonna's always been a big kisser of people.

She kissed Miley. She kissed Kylie. Anyone who rhymes. Yeah, Drakey. Yeah. Don't tell me they hadn't planned that. Ron Wiley. I don't think so. No, they have planned it. I don't think they planned hadn't planned that ron wiley's manager no they have planned it i don't

think michael smiley ron wiley what about pete wiley oh yeah pete she kissed him yeah did we lose him maybe are we going to carry on with it we're going to just think of other people i just got to think of people that rhyme carol smile Smiley? Carol Smiley. Oh, she gave her such a snog that I think her ears bled. Yeah. No, but it's, you know, do you remember when I kissed Greg Davis on Let's Dance for Comic Relief? Do you know, that's exactly what I was thinking of. And did you get his permission first? No.

Well, I think we both did it because we were desperate because we weren't getting many laughs. And I think I admitted that soon afterwards. Panning for laughs, I think. Yeah did it because we were desperate, because we weren't getting many laughs. And I think I admitted that soon afterwards. Panning for laughs, I think. Yeah, we were just thinking, this isn't going well, let's do that thing that... Frank calls it you go cheap and you go loud. He told me that one. It's a desperate cry for help, kissing somebody like that.

It reminds me, I saw a play. Well, I didn't see the play, I was in a play, and I was talking to my dresser. All right, Tom Courtney. And he said to me he'd been in a play which was going so badly that one of the actors suddenly stopped the show and said to the audience, let's have a big round of applause for the police.

Just completely random public servants to try and get the crowd sort of awake oh and that's what the kiss was like basically madonna called for a big round of applause for the police when she kissed drake it was what's the radio equivalent when you're really desperate and things are going badly i'm quite happy with that i think we're to have to start using that if a link doesn't go well. For me, I just call for Poetry News Update references if I feel I'm lost in the wilderness. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute writing. I tell you what. Yeah. Well, before I do it, on the kissing topic, my girlfriend Kat says that before I kiss her, I always lick my lips. Oh, yeah. Something she's found a bit off-putting. Like Doberman Pinscher. Always her last lick of the lips before I go in. Do you?

Yeah. It's a good job you haven't got a beard. Like, if I did that, I think my wife would just be reminded of the lips before I go in. Do you? It's a good job you haven't got a beard. If I did that, I think my wife would just be reminded of the twits. He's got a bit of mackerel or something in there. I'm having a little snack. What's the twits? The twits is the Roald Dahl thing, isn't it? Oh, Roald Dahl. I never read children's books.

Comics. I have two things that you've objected to this morning. Oh, Coachella. Roald Dahl. I. You do pick strange things to get angry about. Oh, Coachella, Roald Dahl. I can't see it. I don't get it with Roald Dahl. Why? What do you mean you don't get it? Why do people read books when they're children? They should be reading comics.

Read books when you're an adult. But don't read children's books. Very responsible advice there. As for the kiss, as you say, the strange thing about it was the angle. Like, she's actually standing behind him while he's sitting in the seat. So it's an odd angle for his neck. What the trouble is with that is usually the saliva, it sits in the indentations in the lower mouth.

But hers must have just been draining out into him like a drainpipe into an open... I thought it was only me that kissed people from that angle. I do it with everybody that I pass that's in a seat. If they're in a seat, I always fully snog them for three seconds. I don't come from the side. I pull their heads about and do a sort of upside-down kiss, like Spider-Man 1. That's why I very quickly lost my job as a barber.

Yeah, the barbers, you can't do that in the barbers. At least they've got a cape on to get some of the saliva. She won't wear a cape these days, not after what I've been through. What happened with the cape? I don some of the saliva. She won't wear a cape these days, not after what I've been through. What happened with the cape? I don't want to know. They tied it too tight and then the dancers pulled it down the stairs. She fell over. She wasn't cutting his hair.

When we cut in on this thing, had she been cutting his hair? Is that why he was sitting in the chair? That would be great. It's like some sort of terrible waiting room to be kissed by Madonna. Magazines. I just read in National Geographic, has she kissed Miley yet?

It's wrong as well, just forcing yourself on people. Also, I also lick my lips really quickly if I'm about to sneeze. Do you? When I feel the sneeze coming, I'll quick, because I'm always worried about my lips are going to split. You know when you do one of those sneezes and, oh. You do a lot of

lip licking, don't you? I've got a tongue like an anaconda. Shall we do a go to the emails? Let's do that. You know what we need first. Oh no, oh no. Let's do that. We know what we need first. We've got a whole batch of emails that are just there in the corner. Hello, Mr Radio, Divine Miss M and Lecoq Sportif. Having recently moved from Fulham to Sydney, turning left on the way in Natch,

I was out on lunch with a few colleagues recently where we each took turns identifying another person on the table as a brand. I was called Royal Dalton. Oh! Without having intimate knowledge of this reader, how would you interpret that? Also, which brands do you identify the others on the show as? Be honest, because as an absolute favourite once said, the house of delusions is cheap to build but drafty to live in. Praise Etc. deleted, Monty.

Monty. Well, Monty. Thank you, Monty, great name. So much. What was that quote again? The house of delusions is cheap to build but drafty to live in. There you go, now I've given you the full Monty. Excellent.

Was that one of your quotes, Frank? No, I don't think so. It's A.E. Houseman, I think. Oh, I see. It's... Who did you say? Who said it? A.E. Houseman.

It's been a while. Oh. Yes. How many old age pensioners are racing into the garden looking for an air raid shell? I'm not sure they're listening to the show. That's the alarm that goes off when Madonna's bearing down on you. If ever that poet

is mentioned, there's an alarm that goes off. And it goes off once a show, which is why it didn't go off there. So were you pretending to not Shall I call him the Shropshire Lad Poet a bit like the, what was the thing he called the Butternut Squash star The Truffle Butter Singer

She gave him a Butternut Squash I know that much I say I know that much The Frank Skinner Show, listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio We're on the emails show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We're on the emails.

This brand thing. I've heard someone told me that they'd been to a job interview and they were asked, what's your brand? It's the kind of thing you say to people, isn't it? I said it when Charlie started. Charlie's not with us today. I'm glad you added today at the end that sounded awful yeah she uh because we're i don't know if i told you we're not live today so don't text us um but she won't she won't come in in the week

oh exactly she's a bit grand in the week part of her brand isn't it i think she's on the house arrest i remember vividly we were sitting there and you suddenly said, out of nowhere, we were talking, oh, what are you doing on Tuesday? Oh, I don't know. What's your brand, Charlie? I think it's a good opening to, you know, learning about someone's personality, asking them what their brand is. I didn't really mean to compare

it to, I didn't think you were supposed to come up with an already extant brand. I thought, but I like their idea. Royal Dalton I associate with lavatories. Really? Yeah, don't they make... Oh, maybe you're right. I associate with Nice China.

I think they make toilet bowls. To be honest, I don't think it's great for Monty. If somebody said to me, like, Royal Dalton, I'd think that could mean that you're, you know, old and fragile, couldn't it? To a certain extent. Sounds like it could be my brand. Could you be Chinese, Monty?

Could you be a sort of fine China type of... Oh, maybe. Maybe. Can I tell you what I think your brands are? Alan, I know it might sound a bit of a cliché. Oh. I think you're sort of a word that's original. Because you're very...

Original? And worthless. Reliable and trustworthy. Worthless originals. We're called worthless originals. Nothing else like them, but that's good. Frank, you're John Lewis. John Lewis.

Practical but classy. I thought you were going to say never knowingly undersold. Yeah. Cheap. That's yours, never knowingly undersold yeah cheap that's yours never knowingly overcharged what's my brand i think yours is so of jean paul gaultier oh lovely that's the way i'm saying it hasn't he been disgraced no not not in our house and and what i mean is it's trivial by choice, not by necessity. Lovely.

Right. That's a good strapline. I'll carry that with me for life. There you go. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you have actually once said to me in the past that my presence is sort of like I'm just visiting, like I'm only popping in. That worried me.

I don't know how many hours I've plagued myself thinking. Really? Oh, God. Is he saying I'm aloof? People often say things to me. I don't know how many hours I've plagued myself thinking... Really? Oh, God. Is he saying I'm aloof? People often say things to me. I remember that time when you said to me, and I don't remember it enough, and it's nagged at them forever.

What a git I am. Git I am is what I'm going to start calling myself. Oh, yeah. Tribute to Will.i.am. When you're a judge on The Voice. Is that a song of yours? Yeah, they know what they're getting don't they get i oh i don't i should i think what get i am is gonna say about me yeah some of your your

speeches have been life-changing for me oh it's true oh em what was that what's that from used to be a yeah used to be a tv show the Oh, was it? And it was about this couple and you used to go, Oh, him. Yes. Can we give a big round of applause for the police, please? As long as we don't have to play them, I'm happy with that. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, I think Alan's brand is probably Pack-a-Mac. Pack-a-Mac. Do you remember Pack-a-Mac? Yes, that's very good, Frank. Practical.

Uh-oh. But not in your face, if you know what I mean. They only bring them out when required. All right. You always know he's there if you need him. Exactly. Can you still get a Pack-a-Mac? Yeah.

They used to fold into a tiny... Probably not in the London area. No. No. The Lake District, that's where you could buy something like that. I think mine is a calibre. It's what's left behind when the alcohol is removed. Yes, the sad husk. Oh, I like if I were a beer.

Well, I'd obviously be Stella, wouldn't I? Would you? Reassuringly expensive, I believe the tagline is. Of course, yes. Yes, I'd like to be... Al, if you were a beer, I'm going to go a little bit Hoffmeister, Follow the Bear.

Follow the Bear. I'll take that. Well, he's got that laddie side to him, Frank. I can see him in a bomber jacket Hoffmeister, follow the bear. Follow the bear. I'll take that. Well, he's got that laddie side to him, Frank. I can see him in a bomber jacket and a jaunty trilby. I wouldn't mind either of those items. If you were a perfume, I'm thinking high karate. Because you are essentially a killing machine. No, I am so not.

Look, you had a black belt in, what was it, Apkido? He's making words up. When you were about eight. I think Apkido exists. I did not have that. You've taken two things that happened and you've changed both details. Well, that's alright, isn't it?

Everyone's got basic judo. Yeah, I haven't. Oh, I have. Have you? I've never thought anyone in pyjamas. White belt. Yeah, I always thought, I've never really believed in judo. I always think there's an element of taking a dive.

Right. You think, well, this bloke's obviously trying to pull me over his shoulders. I'll give him a bit of a hand. Yeah. Do a spring up a bit. Mm-hmm. Could you throw me to the floor now against my will? I'd like to think so, yeah think so God it's like women in love

I'm not watching this ok well let's give it a go put some music on obviously we don't want to do any crunching you be Ollie Reid you be Alan Bates ok we've got to take our oh ok I was always worried about sparks

off that coal fire. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Don't text us. Me no likey. or Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

Don't text us. Me no likey. And no lighty. No. You'd be good hosting a game show. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I'll try. Or a quiz.

I've often felt that you've got a quiz in you. You love a quiz, don't you? You like a fact, and you're likeable. Yeah. Sometimes droll. Thank you. You love a quiz, don't you? You like a fact. Yeah. And you're likeable. Yeah. Sometimes droll. Thank you. Sometimes droll. You can offer a pithy answer when they say something, couldn't you? Anyway, okay. But, you know, you're no war and peace. No. No. No.

I'd like to bring a news story to your attention, Frank. I'm not sure if you're aware of a little- known television programme named Doctor Who, but there was a while ago when it was brought back, 2005 was it? 2005, already

already, 10 years ago it's amazing, but Christopher Eccleston played the Doctor New York agent already, I can't believe it and he now suggests that he fell out with New York agent. He played the doctor. Already. I can't believe it. And he now suggests that he fell out with bosses because he stuck with the northern accent. He said, I'm going to quote directly from the article now.

Yeah. Was he the ninth doctor, Frank? He was the ninth. I'm going to quote directly from the article here, Emily. I'd like your opinion on this. Unless you count the war doctor. Oh. As the ninth. Oh, no, I would count him, obviously. I wouldn like your opinion on this. Unless you count the war doctor. Oh. That's the ninth.

Oh, well, no, I would count him, obviously. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. He's so ridiculous. He's called the war. As if I know what the war doctor is. I don't even know what any of the doctors are. John Hurt was the war doctor.

How's that? Thank you very much. Well, I'm glad you've done that, because Christopher Eccleston said, I wanted to move him away from RP, Received Pronunciation, it says in brackets, for the first time because we shouldn't make a correlation between intellect and accent, although that still needs addressing.

I agree with that. Emily, could you explain that to me and Frank, please? Well, you see, I never buy all this. Oh, don't get work because I'm northern. Rubbish. You clean up, you lot. We do clean up. That's part of the problem. In my flat.

Get that work. You clean up in my flat. Yeah. No, you clean up because I think it's an absolute positive these days to be regional. People want jobs for the regionals. I've done it. Ten hours have passed and I'm still not in Doctor Who. Listen to me.

Do you like the authority? Can I get that way'm still not in Doctor Who. Listen to me. Do you like the authority? Can only get that way after you. Listen to me. Listen to me. Imagine if I tried to present Take Me Out. No likey, no lighty. That sounds sinister. Hmm.

No lighty, you say. Then clearly no likey. Let the peanut see the collarder. Yes. That sounds like a punishment. Yes. It does sound a bit like, is it? Dave?

That's what I mean. i think he's talking what happened then yes it wouldn't work no but i think with a lot of the acting stuff i think accent is that you couldn't see you can have um i mean he wasn't quite right that it had been rp on sylv McCoy sounded a bit Scottish when he was... I was going to say Sylvester Stallone. When he was a doctor. He wasn't... I think that was torture. But I think someone with my accent couldn't be the doctor.

Scottish is all right. I apologise, they can accept Scottish. Can I ask you a question? When you did Doctor Who, Frank? Yes, I remember that. What was your accent? Was it a sort of educated smithic? Someone said, one of the reviews said,

I basically played Frank Skinner with a hat on. But, yeah, I stuck with my own thing, but I was playing an engineer, so it seemed to make sense. You couldn't have done... I once wrote a sitcom set in the West Midlands, right, called Blue Heaven, and I said to the director, what we're going to find now is plenty of actors from... He said, well, be careful with that.

We don't want to have too many people from... We don't want it all to be yom, yom, yom, yom. He said to me. So there is... I think he's right. I don't think that's why he left. I think that story's been a bit mangled. Right.

No-one quite knows why he left, but I don't think it's that. He does say in the pro... She asks him why he's got a northern accent, Rose. Oh, yeah. Played by Billy Piper. And he says, well, lots of planets have a north. Oh. So it is sort of explained.

You know, he says he chose to leave. I'm just saying, his first gig after leaving, do you know what it was? No. ITV's best ever Muppet moment. Really? He did the commentary. Did he? It's a bit leaving to spend more time with the family. Come on. It is. Work on other projects.

Oh dear. He's good though. He is. He's a great doc. Oh, dear. He's good, though. He is. He's a great dog. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I was saying to Alan just the other day that things would have been very different for Will.i.am if he was from the north. He'd have been known as Will.i.eckers-like. It is different. Doctor Who is the north. He'd have been known as Will I Eccles-like. It is different.

Doctor Who is the ultimate. He's like me, he's like the northerner with a travel card, isn't he? I've got an Oyster card, I'm comfortable in London, but I live in the north, and, you know, Christopher Eccleston, he was northern but had a TARDIS, he could go anywhere. Oh, David Tennant had to put on a voice, didn't he? I think he chose to. I don't know if he had to, but he did.

I think he chose to to show his range. Yes. Oh, I love his range. He did a good job on it. I was at the thing where they announced that Capaldi was going to do it in his Scottish accent and they asked David Tennant what he thought. He said, I just think it's lazy.

Did he? Funny. Oh, Tenn Funny. Oh. Tenor. Yes. I'm amazed they got Christopher Eccleston to talk about Doctor Who at all. Usually he won't even discuss it. He won't open up, will he? I read a thing recently where the woman was interviewing him over the phone

and she asked him about Doctor Who and there's just a click and he'd gone. Oh, was it click burn? And his agent came on and said, I think Christopher's put the phone down. You're told not to mention Doctor Who. Brilliant. I would love to be like that. I'd love there to be a thing. I'd tolerate a hang-up from Eccleston. Yeah, what would you be

if somebody mentioned Descots? Yes. I'm out of here. I think we all know what mine is. DOB. Oh, yes, yes. I wouldn't even dream of that. What's mine? The Brits? I don't know.

There's quite a few. That comes up fairly frequently. I interviewed David Essex once, and just before we started, he said to me, I'd rather you didn't mention the 70s. Was this when he was on the radio show? No, this was on the telly. What about when he was on the radio show? Oh, no, this was on the telly. What about when he was on this show?

Oh, no, that was awkward. He's a lovely bloke, actually. Ringo Starr said to me just before we went on, don't go on about the Beatles. What, are we going to talk about own stuff? Yeah, yeah. Thomas the Tank Engine. Thomas the Tank Engine, that's why you're here, innit?

Thomas the Tank Engine was feeling rather poorly. It was his golden age. Heather Mills doesn't like having to talk about Paul McCartney either. I've seen her on a chat show recently. Is that right? It's difficult, isn't it? She says there's loads of other stuff she does. Her charity work and being a vegan.

She'd like to talk about that. Yeah. Well, I think that's fair enough. Have they had a Doctor Who from the West Country yet? Have they gone for West Country? That'd be good, wouldn't it? Doctor Who. Well, they... They had John Pertwee. They had John Pertwee.

John Pertwee, who wasn't from the West Country, but you said, I'd love to do that little voice. He always did that. When he went on to be worse. Oh, when he was scummage. Oh, a little out that way. But for years he'd been doing a West Country, but you said, I'd love to do that little voice. He always did that. When he went on to be worse. Oh, when he was gummied? But for years he'd been doing a West Country accent on old radio shows and stuff.

Oh, Pertwee. Do you remember my New Year's resolution not to talk about Doctor Who anymore on this show? How long did that last? About 40 seconds? I think it's going better than the milk chocolate. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I read for a part recently. You've turned into such an actor.

It's a theatrical anecdote coming up. Can you imagine you saying that five years ago? I like it, I have to say. If ever I say the treble A, you will tell me, won't you? You know the treble A you hear them say? Bar. Aye, aye, aye. No, the, as an actor.

Oh! Please don't ever let me say that. No, you have to say what my mother's boyfriend used to say, which was if there was a fight or an argument or anything, he'd say, trouble in the wings, dear. That's when you know you're an actor. But I love all that. I do love all that.

But anyway, when people say, I was working with a lovely little actor called... So I went up for a part. I had to be a Romanian. Oh, OK. For the part. Now, I know... TV or theatre, darling?

I know. I shouldn't specify. I understand. It's all top secret. I understand. I said to... I said to my agent... No, I didn't. I was talking, I have a friend who's Romanian,

and it's surprisingly, it's a bit Italian-ish, because it's one of the Latinate Eastern Europeans. So he said, I would like to do that, but it's not good for me, so I can't really do it. That's what he's like. So I said, I didn't say, I'm going to do your voice. So I said, what do you think about this for Romanian? Yes, I saw that, but you know, for me it's not good.

I like to do it, but if I do it lots of times, then I don't enjoy it, and so it's not good. So I did it, and he said, no, don't, don't. That's too feminine. You sound too feminine. I thought, oh, my God, it's you. I'm doing you. He said, no, it's a feminine. Don't do that. It doesn't sound good. So I ended up doing it, sort of, Bela Lugosi.

Tell us how you did it. Let's hear it. I did it like with this. That sounds awful. Please don't say you did that in the audition. You're never going to get it. I'm afraid I did. Well, maybe I won't get it, but that was how I decided. He put me off it with my accuracy. Frank, how was it like, the audition? Was it like the flash dance panel? Were there three of them sitting there?

There were two people and a camera. And there was lots of people outside who looked ambitious. Did you have to queue up with others? Well, there was others in the waiting room. Oh, was that a chorus line? I love it. There was young people with their dads

who were up for other parts. Obviously, I wasn't up for that part. I wasn't up for any part where you could take your dad with you. Unless he was in an urn. But I... Did you see Stephen Tomkinson and Graham Norton in the queue? No. Those are your two lookalikes. No, I think it was...

Who was it? I think it was Richard Griffiths was up for it. And Lenny Henry. Oh, yeah. No. Richard Griffiths, I for it. And Lenny Henry. Oh, yeah. No. Richard Griffiths, I think, is no longer with us. No. I hope he hasn't brought that up.

So, yes. Well, I hope you get it. Well, you know, we'll see. Be a nice little bit of a cash bonus. Well, I don't do it for the money. I do it for love nowadays, dear. That's right. What about that bit, though?

One of the poshest things I've ever heard in Doctor was the brigadier who was incredibly posh. And there was one of the great moments... The actor who played him is very posh. Yeah, there's like a... A gargoyle has sort of gone off the side of a church. It's like a devil with the tongue sticking out and all that, but it's walking, and it's walking towards them.

And he says to this soldier, um, chap there with wings, five rounds rapid, and that's a great moment. Ah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran, together The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. I'd like to talk this morning about the chess grandmaster, Deos Nigalis. Are you familiar with this work? I'd like to talk this morning. It reminded me a bit of, I think I mentioned this at the Brighton Conference. It's something I heard Harold Wilson say.

He was playing the Armenian Tigran Petrosian. Wow. You are so up on... You're not even reading these off anything. You're just looking at my... So up on modern chess. I know them. I hang out sometimes with the chess guys.

The masters. What's a chess groupie? Think of a name that I can call myself. Anyway, he was expelled. He was expelled. He was caught using his mobile telephone. This is a bit police statement, isn't it? In the toilet.

Yeah. He denied it initially. And then they found a mobile phone in the bin wrapped in tissues. Yes. Which had his Facebook page open on it. Yeah. And a chess computer. Yes.

Didn't look good for him. One of the problems with his initial denial was that he said that it wasn't his phone It was his girlfriend's And they said, no, you're a chess grandmaster You haven't got a girlfriend No That was the big giveaway See, I'd have thought the cheating would be more on the bloke

Who'd been left behind at the table While that one went to the toilet You know when you come back from the toilet and go What's that? Yeah, I haven't touched anything They said they were suspicious He kept spending at least ten minutes in the toilet and was making frequent trips. In the exact same cubicle, though, when there was a choice of three.

Do you think it was a night's movement? Lovely prank. Very good. That isn't the first illegal activity that would spring to my mind, if he was doing that. I have to say, I was in a competition recently when I had to come up with topical material about things that were happening in the world of poetry. And my smartphone was no help.

Oh yeah. At all. No, you'd think they'd be above that, wouldn't you? They're so cheating. It's like what you do in a pub quiz, not a chess tournament. It's a bit Lance Armstrong. They call it high-tech doping.

Apparently, is the name for it? It is. I don't understand with the computer. I don't understand how it helps them. The computer just tells you exactly what to do. Well, I suppose, yeah. It is the equivalent of looking up a question on a pop quiz.

You just put in the moves that you've got and the computer tells you the way forward. Yeah, you can press a button there. That's alright. Why don't we just all agree to do that? He'll be finished now. Well, I'll tell you what the BBC said. I think he's Russian or something. The BBC said on the BBC website

they love an opportunity to get a little punch. They said this could be the worst move of his career. Oh. His chequered career? That's a shame. Someone on the sub-editor's desk went out for a little cocktail after they came out with that one. I don't know if they do that anymore. BBC? No.

The Daily Mail gets hold of you. They're finished. Are you a cheat? Am I a cheat? No. Are you a cheat? Am I a cheat? No. Are you a love rat? Are you, Frank? Are you a cheat, Frank?

I'm not a cheat, nor a love rat. No, definitely not. Have you ever cheated in any exam or anything like that? Never. Really? I feel so fiercely about that. I couldn't chat. I couldn't cheat.

Sorry, I'll kill that typist. No. In any game. I did a quiz show on the telly recently, and they said, we'd rather you didn't look up the answers to the things. And I thought, I would never do that in a million years. I'd rather fail miserably. This bloke, I think he'll love him.

I'll be honest with you. Okay? We cleared that up? It's very clear. Is there any kids listening? I think they'll love him, I'll be honest with you. OK? We cleared that up? It's very clear. Is there any kids listening? I think they'll learn from that. Giving your opinions in black and white there. Yeah. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. It's not just the world of chess that has been rocked. There's a story recently that Lizzie Maggie, you've probably not heard of her, she invented Monopoly, but hasn't got the credit for it because she went off and registered it as her game. And she had to even put a man's name on and other men then took it and made it popular as Monopoly.

Typical men. It's amazing, isn't it? Apparently, back then, she put the patent in for, the name for it then was called The Landlord's Game. Sounds up your street, Frank. Excellent. Oh, yeah. That would be good for on the box.

The Landlord's Game, right up your street. Yeah. And a big picture of Frank. In one of those Nicholas von Hoogstraten coats. And hat. Good for you. She got $500 for her creation because back then, men had a monopoly on the game Monopoly.

That was how it worked. That's wrong. It is wrong, isn't it? It is wrong. But it said, I read that thing, and it said that the original game that she came up with, the Landlord's Game, was a left-wing teaching tool.

Yeah. To teach you about the pitfalls of capitalism. Yeah. And a lot of toys started out apparently on the left like that. Really? Nintendo was originally Lenintendo. Oh, hi. Oh, hang on. Still is in France.

Yeah. And all the action figures then were Star Wars. When the Russian Tsars were... He's so happy with that. Ah, yes. You see, this is... Monopoly is now... It's a capitalist dream, isn't it?

I'll tell you what I don't get about Monopoly. You know, there was a thing recently of the best toys, best hundred toys. Oh, yeah. They were all games, things I don't even think of as toys. Oh, yes. There was Monopoly. Yes. I mean, is chess a toy?

Lego was the name. I think chess should be a toy, yeah. It's great. It should be a toilet, apparently. I like Cluedo, because I'm a suspicious type by nature. But is it a toy, Cluedo? Well, it's a leisure activity. Yeah, but so is inhaling laughing gas.

Par example. Is that a toy? No. It is in my house. Well, you'll be laughing on the other side of your face when Brendan Rogers finds out. Do you know Brendan Rogers? No, but... No, but actually I don't want the tip in that instance.

Oh, OK. Five foot eight. Do you know what I hate about Lego? Five foot eight? Who'd have thought that? Who's this? Brendan Rogers? Yeah, it's a sort of travel version of a football man. What about Sven-Garren Eriksson's size four shoes? I'm just saying. No.

Size four? I know someone who did a shoot with him and they got a phone call saying, size 4 for Sven, please. No. It's true. It's true. Size 4 shoes.

I think you've got a peg leg. They sound like pegs. Size 4? I think my ankles are size 4. You wouldn't keep a shoe on with a size 4. I haven't got fancles. Excuse me, I'm size 3. Yeah, but it's different for the ladies.

Do you know what I hate about Lego, Frank? Go on. You can't talk. It's not a deal of hell. There's no talking in it. You just sit there making things. Who does that, freaks? Lego movie, quite a lot of talking.

Just to try and bring it around, bring it around on the positive side. Yeah, I'm just trying to think of a... Quite a lot of swearing attached to Lego in my house, but that's when I step on it. I'm trying to think of a Marxist Lego thing where I'm... Oh, yes, I'm struggling, I'll be honest with you. Leningo.

Leningote. Lenin. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tell you what, I was surprised not to be on the list of most popular toys. You were surprised not to be on the list. Yeah, me.

I think you've got strength for yourself. The Alan. The Alan. Imagine a toy called the Alan. The Alan. Imagine if you don't mind me saying a child called Alan. Yeah, Alan. The Alan with a U The Alan with a U. Alan with a U.

No, the Etch-a-Sketch, because my brother once wrote a swear word, a big swear word, on an Etch-a-Sketch, and then forgot and went out playing, and my mum found it. And when he got back, he got in all kinds of trouble. So I think since that moment, Etch-a-Sketch has been my favourite toy, because that was such fun. If only he'd shaken. Yeah, he forgot to shake. Yeah, always shake. That's what I say. And the yo-yo, I mean,

the popularity of that's up and down. I think... I think that was on the top 100, wasn't it? I think it might have been in there, yeah. Do you remember Simon? You copied the sounds he made. Do you remember him? Yeah. Is it like Simon says? It was based on that. Well, I think it was the Pernod years

for you, no offence. Okay. Coloured panels. Yes, coloured panels. Sheridan Morley bought us one one Christmas. Lovely toy, that. Yeah, me too. Must have got a job lot and sent them out to various families. Sheridan Morley sent you some? Yeah, yeah. It was a shock to us. I think he sent me some clackers.

Oh, it's a he? Yes. Yes, it's a he. It's Robert Morley's song. You remember? Yeah. He bought so many. He bought the obvious calculator from...

Do you remember clackers? What were they again? I don't remember the sound of them. There were two orange plastic balls on a string. Right. And you used to wave your arm. Oh, I do remember that thing. Yes, they were a sort of like Newton's cradle with attitude.

Right. Yeah, they were big. There was one of those, you know, every year there's the toy that sells out just before Christmas. Uh-huh. I don't mean it sells out like it does an advert. I mean, they nearly all do adverts, the toys. They do, don't they? toys but um yeah one that goes up and clackers was one of them now it's forgotten i think that probably there might be a health and

safety element to it it was it was from the sort of from the people who bought you nom chakras you remember those you'd know that mr martial art i would i would Where did you stand on Operation? Um, I was not a fan. Kath, my partner, loved Operation. Oh, I'll come round and play it with her. Can you still get it? Oh, I'm sure. I had an Operation pen. Really? And it was a

pen that had the little version of it on it and the little tweezers. Well, we lost all the parts, so we had to use my mother's tweezers. Oh, okay. But I don't so we had to use my mother's tweezers. Oh, okay. I don't think they should be giving children surgical responsibilities, though. It was a bit of a stressful operation, because his nose started going red.

Oh, yes. Do you not remember that? Yes. Yes. Tom, Action Man was in the top hundred, but not Tommy Gunn. Don't remember Tommy Gunn. Tommy Gunn was the British version of Action Man and he had real laces in his shoes. You're telling me that isn't better than Action Man?

Who was just moulded? Are you? No, you're not. Okay, we've ended on a Tommy Gunn reference. Thank you very much to the police this evening. Yeah. Big hand for them. Come on, all three of us. Come on for the police. A. Come on for the police.

A round of applause for the police. They do a tough job, you know, it's not easy. And they have horses to look after as well, on top of all that. Okay, so thank you so much for listening and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week on

Absolute Radio. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.