The Frank Skinner Show - Dry Rectangle

Episode Date: November 18, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Pierre is away so we're joined by Steve Hall! This week the team discuss the John Lewis advert, a missing car and humus.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and guess what, Steve Hall is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. That's the free one. You know, when you introduced Steve Hall, it was very sweet. A little bit of backstage gossip here. The producer clapped, which was lovely, but she did it silently. Oh. And I wonder what the... That's like smilers in an audience. I have a lot of audiences like that.

Yeah. Smilers, I think, just don't come if that's all you've got. Do you find smilers worse than people who look genuinely glum? No. Okay. Nothing is worse than that. Those people, absolutely. It's the ones who only show it in their shoulders. You know they're enjoying it, but they're just rolling their shoulders.

I'm one of the ones who look at you like they're looking at a second-hand wardrobe. Nothing, just not even contempt. They've gone past that. What about the ones scrolling through their phone? When I saw you at the Lyric, which was fabulous, my friend Helen was in the second row, and you were saying to her, are you enjoying it? And she had to sort of go, no, this is honestly my happy face.

Yeah, you forget that some people, they don't, it doesn't all come out on the, that's their story. I hope she had a nice night. She did. She absolutely loved it. Frank. All. We've received.

This is if Elvis was doing this show. That's what it would be like. Imagine what a scoop that would be for. Absolutely. I'd Elvis on it. I don't think my heart could take it. All those bacon and peanut butter. Well, you'd be going, I've got this old shirt.

I'd love you to wear it. It would show up on the old thing. Yeah, I'm not saying I'd be on. I'm saying he'd replace me. right he'd be you guys with elvis i would worry about his um motivational speeches yeah that would change is it uh too dark for breakfast yeah yeah all that stuff you can get us on x or instagram just think el Elvis knew nothing of X and Instagram. That's for the best. Love you soon. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. He'd make me talk about all the lovely things he'd bought me. Yeah, I mean, the gifts you guys... I bought this lovely lady a diamond ring. The beautiful... He's not doing it. Oh, thanks for that.

He's not doing it. News flash, everyone. We've received this. Well, we didn't actually receive it, but James Bond has tweeted. Okay. Official account, James Bond 007. Okay.

Official account. Yeah, official account. What is Daniel Craig's most memorable stunt? And then there are some images of him in the various films. Yeah. And unfortunately, one of our readers has got involved and said, Michael has replied to the official 007 James Bond account for stealing Frank on the radio's cleaner.

Yes. I mean, what are the Broccoli family going to think of this? My brother-in-law had lunch with Barbara Broccoli recently. And he said to my partner, yeah, I had lunch with Barbara Broccoli. And she said, who's that? I said, no, he calls all his vegetables. He gives them all a first name. Jasper Carrow and Barbara Broccoli, I'd learned to it.

For a second I had her. She was, there was doubt in her eyes. Oh, so look, I, you know the hummus that you get in a windscreen wiper trench on a car. Humus? No, humus. You know, humus is that leaf stuff. Oh, is it?

You know, like they use it on, you know what humus is, don't you? This is a new word. Like, as in the old, like, he's had an... Is that like a medieval medicine? No! The four humours. The humours. Hang on, do you mean hummus? No, I don't mean hummus, obviously.

You don't get that in the windscreen. Wipe a trench on a car. Speak for yourself. You must have been to places where they have... They use it on paths, for example. It's a very leafy, very used up living creature type of brown composty type stuff. I've never been more disappointed in two people in my entire life. And I'm including both princes.

people in my entire life. And I'm including both princes. Well, I'll talk about something else after you've put me off. So Frank, we were having a completely normal exchange. Were we? You're fired, both of you. We don't come on here for completely normal exchanges.

Wait, you were... I'll go on swap shop for that. Slightly upset because we weren't familiar with... Was it humours? Humours. You had the rage of someone who's got the right pub quiz answer and his teammates are letting him down. I met a guy this week

who i was in a quiz with when did we do that atlantic bar quiz oh frank and i were in a quiz together i would say 12 years ago oh longer than that longer than that 90 uh what about 98 99 was it that long ago maybe 2000 anyway let's say 25 years ago, roughly. Yeah. I met this guy and he said, I was in a quiz team with you. I filled in one week because someone was away. He said, and there was a pictures round. He said, and it was album covers.

And you had to say who the artist was. He said, and you arrived, I think you arrived a bit late. He said, and we got them all down and we've got Ike and Tina Turner. And you said, Ike and Tina Turner? I don't think so. Charlie and Ineos Fox. He said, and I just remember thinking,

wow, that's amazing. He remembers that from 25 years ago. One quiz answer. Fantastic. Hummus. Oh. Humus. Oh, don't. It's plant fibre and stuff like that, and it's used sometimes in paths in things like the countryside.

All right, Alan Tishmosh. Yeah, it is a bit Tishmosh. What happened? Does the show finally have a sponsor? Is this what this is? What's Titchmarsh? They use it on country pads where a slab might jar. Have you met Alan Titchmarsh?

Oh, yeah, he's lovely. Isn't he nice? I was watching his show this morning before I left. Oh, OK. Yeah, you know, they go to someone's garden and make it. Oh, I know, they go to someone's garden and make it um oh i know they go to someone's garden they go to someone's garden and make it into a garden that the person has to pretend they like anyway so i love those gardener people do you yeah why there's something they look like

i mean it's a style they dress in a very distinct, even the shoes they wear, those elasticated side leather shoes that female gardeners wear, saying I'm a gardener, but I'm actually quite cool in my other life. Yeah, they just seem like nice people, people of the ground. They know what a hoover is. Dimmock was the OG. She was the... Oh, yes. She was...

She was... When people say they lived... They were put into a hypnosis and they went back to another life, they'd had. And they were a serving wench in the West Country in the 18th century. They all were Charlie Dimmock, basically. Anyway. so hummus

is it like is it mulch yeah it's like mulch okay and you get it in the bottom of your

windscreen wiper trench because they didn't leave sit there for ages so when I leave the house

in the morning I always check and scoop a bit out on the way to school. How do you scoop? It's quite hard to get purchased in there. I use fingers.

Simple as that. Okay. Anyway, I thought I'll check my mulch. And guess what? What? My car had gone. Friendskinner on Absolute Radio. If I was around, when I was in my 20s,

if social media had existed and I'd been doing the equivalent of the coffee drinkers, if I'd have been saying, oh my God, on Twitter, I haven't had my perno yet. How am I going to get through the day? People would have been appalled. Imagine if you'd have had a picture of Garfield

saying must have absinthe. Yeah, exactly. I never touched the absinthe. We've all got our limits. Really? Not to lose La Treca's it turned out. It wasn't really popular

in that era. I think he ate shorts. He stopped with you. Oh, God. It had a bit of a comeback in the 90s. No, it was ouzo I would drink if I couldn't get Pernod's equivalent. It's either ouzo, Pernod or Coco Pops. That was my start of the day.

Anyway, so my car had gone. What do you mean? It had gone. It had been stolen. Outside your house? Outside my house. This is shocking. So I phoned the police, but the police always come late if they come at all.

No, they didn't. They were actually very prompt. What did you say to them? Hello. I said, I believe my car has been stolen. And they said, when was it stolen? I said, after 1am and before 8.10 when I left the house. They said, how do you know it was stolen after?

And it was a tremendous Colombo moment. I said, well, it rained until 1 a.m., and there is a dry rectangle where my car was. I mean, I could hear the ooh from the other end of the line. I thought it was going to be a job offer, but it didn't come. But anyway, they, dry rectangle would be a great name for a pub, wouldn't it? Just putting in the Dry Rectangle. Anyway, they found it.

No. Fabulous work. They found it. I mean, it's got a tracker on it. So the tracker people found it. So what happened? It had been stolen by you. It's also, it's a bit easier to find because it's purple.

And on the bonnet, it says Frank Skinner Saturday mornings on Absolute Radio. I don't know if you know I've got that card. I presume this is your own tracker. You should get that card. There's just a big microphone on the top of it. You should get that card because nobody would steal it. No, I'd have it if they gave me a free one. I presume this is your tracker,

not just a really helpful stalker. No, no, no. He's got a company one. Yeah, you know, you can pay for it. It was tremendous. It was all done very well. It was a bit bashed up when I got it back. But, you know, it was great to get it back.

I think Charles II said about England. A bit about when I got it back. Had they cleaned out the humus? Charles II said about England. I wonder why they're so specific. Had they cleaned out the humus? Nah, they hell. I wonder why they targeted your car, Frank. Well, they couldn't have done it at a worse time. Why? Because I had to phone my PA on honeymoon.

Oh, dear. To get the phone numbers of all the right people. But it was a bit... That's quite a shocking thing. It was shocking. Had you left stuff in there? Was there 200-weight attackists or other such precious items? There was nine designer leather jackets in the boot.

That's what I've told the insurance company no I haven't I haven't they sound nice yeah I just knew someone who every time there was an insurance claim there was always a leather jacket

it wasn't me. I can't do 86. I'm a Catholic. I'd rather have the peace than the money. Did the police turn up, Frank? The police were brilliant. Tracking company, brilliant. Everyone did a great job.

I'd love to give you a terrible story about... Would you like to thank the police? I did thank the police. I'm actually doing their Christmas party. I'm not. So yeah, it's a weird old thing, but I've

got it back and it's a bit, you know, as I say, it's been knocked about, but it's an anecdote on wheels. And that's a good thing. We've heard Frank from Paul the Baggy in Solihull. Oh, yeah.

He says, hi all, I'm a 57-year-old man from West Bromwich. That's why you're baggy, I suppose. Carry on. I'm a 57-year-old man from West Bromwich who That's why you're baggy, I suppose. Carry on. I'm a 57-year-old man from West Bromwich who knows what humus is. I now believe soil structure

was only taught in West Bromwich in the 70s. Maybe. I had always wondered what the point was and I would never need that knowledge until now.

That's great news. Well done. Was it Paul the Baggy? Yes. Paul the Baggy and Solihull. Solihull, he's sold out. What? What has he Paul the Baggy and Solihull. Solihull, he sold out. What?

Why has he sold out? Very posh, Solihull. Why? It's like he's gone to LA or something. It's the equivalent. If you're born in West Bromwich, it's not broke a belt. That's like when you told me about Adrian Childs

and you were honestly acting like he was a Ewing family or something. Well, he lived in a place called Hagley, and my dad used to say, if we win the pools, I'll get a smallholding in Hagley. So we used to dream of living where Adrian Childs lived. Yeah. Oh, privilege, it's everywhere. By the way, can I say that steve and emily were saying to me um

i can't believe you were so certain you'd parked in that space they don't realize that when i park that kind of parallel parking it takes me about 10 minutes so i know it does yeah i've i know it off i've never ever lost my car because by time, I've seen the area I'm parking, both through the window and in my rearview mirror, coming at me and going away again for 10 minutes. I really, really know where I've parked. Oh, I'm so happy you got your car back. Oh, me too.

Because the criminals didn't prosper. I like the idea of them going there, feeling so confident they'd got away car back. Oh, me too. Because the criminals didn't prosper. I like the idea of them going there, feeling so confident they'd got away with it. Well, you know, I don't want to antagonise them. Yeah, let's keep on their right side. I have to say it was a very clever piece of stealing, which I won't go into the details of. No.

I mean, I've got a Faraday pouch. I thought I was safe. Okay. Well, I'm also really thrilled I know about this stuff you've taught me about. What, humus? Yeah, the West Bromwich stuff. Oh, yeah. I don't know if it's known as the West Bromwich.

I wouldn't have thought there was much in. I would have thought you couldn't go into a gardening centre, which is the sort of modern equivalent of a community hall. I think that's where people gather now, certainly at the weekends, without seeing hummus in some form. I think I've called it mulch, though. I'm happy with mulch. Are you okay with mulch?

Yeah. Quite onomatopoeic, mulch, which is why I like it. I went to a gig, by the way, this week. I saw Corey Taylor. Me and my son went. Do you know Corey Taylor? I don't know Corey Taylor. Steve, I look to you for music.

I'm drowning in parenthood. I haven't been aware of any culture for a long time. Corey Taylor sounds American. Yes, he's American. Okay, American. Does he have dyed black hair? No. Oh.

He's not from Slipknot. He is. He's the lead singer with Slipknot. So he's normally masked. I missed the mask, I must say. How old is he now, Slipknot? He's about 60, isn't he? No.

He looked great, but I missed the mask. So I saw Bernie Clifton live once. It was famous for having a sort of mock. What kind of bird was it? Was it an ostrich? Was it an ostrich that he used to ride? Do you remember? It was like a suit.

I do. And I remember he came on normally in an evening suit kind of thing. And he said, after a bit, he said, don't worry, I've got it with me. Which Corey Taylor didn't say about the terrifying mask. Bernie Clifton's part of England's marching band.

The team, the brass band that goes to all the England games. I think, but genuinely, it's not a joke. No. I think Bernie Clifton was

a traveller. I like Bernie. Paul, Paul, give us the facts.. I think Bernie Clifton was. I'm not having it. A traveller. I like that one. Paul, Paul, give us the facts. Paul the Baggy, you'll know. That's a, no, I'm not accepting that. Frank, I like Don't Worry, I've got it with me. I think there's a lot of people.

That's lovely. Yeah. If only the dancers had said that at the Moulin Rouge when me and David Baddiel went, they didn't do the canker. No mask on Corey Taylor. No ostrich on Bernie Clifton. No can-can at the Moulin Rouge.

One of what's been conspicuous by its absence in your life. 8-12-15. Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is from Michael. If you must invite a guest on,

none taken, Steve. Steve's not a guest. Okay, no, he's family. Isn't it about time you had Basil Brush making an appearance? He was looking lively last night, but he must be getting on in years now. Yeah, he is. I don't know.

I suppose it would be a very woke move to say a stance against Fox hunting. I've worked with him quite a bit. He was on Fantasy Football League, wasn't he? He was on Fantasy Football. He was a guest on my This Is Your Life. Can you believe that? And? And? And the operator,

we were kept waiting. I did a gig at the London Palladium and then it happened after that. So the show started at like one o'clock in the morning and the operator, I think, had had a couple of white wines.

To be fair to him, he was on medication, so he hadn't had a lot, but he'd had enough as a cocktail. So Basil sounded like he was drowning when he was talking. He said, Mr. Frank, Mr. Frank. When he was doing that, and I don't think I've ever laughed more on television in my life. And Basil, no, no, Mr. Frank, but if you're... But when we rehearsed,

I remember we rehearsed without the pop in at one point, just with Ivan, who was the operator. It was an old man with his old hands sticking up through the counter. And we were talking to that. Like Carrie, at the end of Carrie. Oh, man. It's one of the great endings to a comedy special, that. Like Carrie. At the end of Carrie. Oh, man. There's one of these great endings to a comedy special, that. Where it's your show, I'm getting it on VHS,

and it's a brilliant show, and then Aspel walks out at the end. Yes. That's a fabulous ending. What happened to Aspel? Is it still around? No, it's not. Oh, OK.

That's what would worry me a bit about having BB on. Is, I don't know... He's describing it the same way as Bridget Bartow. Yeah, BB. I don't know... Boom, boom. It's only just occurred to me that boom, boom and Basil Brush have got the same initial.

Oh, he knows what he's doing, BB. Yeah. What worries me about BB is having... I don't know what I'm going to get with the operator. Which one is it this week? Yeah, I don't know if there's a... Do we have to take the operator for brunch or is it Basil Rush?

Well, Basil Rush would be cheaper. Well, is he allowed? You could just fill him up with potato pickings. No lobster for him. No. Boom! Boom! He might get turned away which is embarrassing I think he's done a lot of work For

Children learning to read and write A Foxtis and Alden restaurant But he also We've probably eaten many a one and not known I I He did an Edinburgh show

which was, he swore and stuff and he did like a sort of stag. Oh no. Basil brush after midnight. You know,

I think it was like a basil brush stag show. Oh, he did like Hollyoaks nights. All the haunted creatures included in the cycle. He didn't do

Hollyoaks nights, Basil. Yeah, he did. Oh, he title. He didn't do Hollyoaks Nights, Basil. Yeah, he did. Oh, he didn't. He did the dark side of Basil Brush. He's gone blue. I don't know if he still does that. I did a corporate thing with Nookie Bear once, and he was very rude.

He was extremely rude. I did a corporate thing with Nookie Bell. Yeah. Oh, I've lived. Don't worry about that. Roger de Courcy. Yes, he was a bit courcy. I remember Roger de Courcy said he told me,

stop going to football after an incident in the Olympic Gallery. He wouldn't give any more information than that. I'll tell you this, I bet Nookie was involved. Well, I don't know about that. It's a very big bathroom area. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. On things coming out of nowhere,

when I was at the Coreyy taylor gig at the evan team apollo today you say i've never known how you pronounce it okay it's still the hammer i'd go yeah um okay uh a guy said to me there's a can i ask you a question there's a question i've always wanted to ask you. This guy in the audience. I said, okay. He said, why have you never done Top Gear? You've always wanted to ask me that.

And then he spilled beer over me while he was talking. Absolutely drenched me. And then another guy said, will you sign my forearm? And I said, okay. And I did that. He tipped beer all over me as well, accidentally. So I smelt like the old days. What did the third guy say?

How you didling? Not very bad. Unfortunately, because it's true, there's no rule of three in this story. It's a damn shame. Did he ask you about Top Gear before or after your car had been stolen? I hadn't told him about it. That was before, I think, yes.

That's true. You'll never guess what Corey Taylor did. This is the slipknot man. He did a song from a theme from a children's TV show, which he wrote. Okay, shall we guess? Yeah. Corey Taylor's slipipknot remember

so he's so it's around my version that's what it's normally like so he was I reckon he's in his 50s now

I think he looks fantastic I would have thought he's younger than that but I could be wrong what do you want to guess well I don't know how left field to guess here

before you said Kitch I was thinking it turns out he'd written The Young New Mexican Puppeteer no but I'm going to say Paw Patrol no let's go left field good what's yours a guess here. Before you said Kitsch, I was thinking it turns out he'd written The Young New Mexican Puppeteer. No.

But I'm going to say Paw Patrol. No. Let's go left. Good. What's yours? Okay. I'm going to go Power Rangers. Nice.

Well, so he gets up, he gets an acoustic guitar to do another song and the crowd all get excited. He goes, oh, all right then. He lives in a pineapple under the sea and everybody goes, SpongeBob SquarePants.

Is that him? It's a very special moment, yeah. Of course, he had to include songs. He does a lot of swearing. There's a lot of suggestions that we have some sort of Oedipal relationships going on. Right, please. His album is called CMFT. You're a bit obsessed with that. Yeah. have some sort of Oedipal relationships going on. Right, please.

His album is called CMFT. You're a bit obsessed with him. Yeah, he's called Corey. I think you can work it out. Anyway. Oh, no. He was great, though. We've had a lot of communiques regarding,

I'm quite frightened to say this word because I got it wrong and I don't want you to be angry with me. It's called hummus. I think it's humus. Humus. What's a good way for me to remember it? Think of... Cardinal Hume. Okay, yeah, do it like that.

I've got, you must try the sandwiches. Okay. Okay. You must learn more about soil might be a good way for a man, Brittany. I suggested Cardinal Hume, and you've gone for, you must try the sandwiches. Humongous? I'd never say humongous.

I've never said humongous before. That's the first time I've ever said it. Would you ever say, well, it was absolutely humongous? Yes. Would you? Let's leave it there. Okay.

So, Frankenteam, it was also known as league mould league or leave i've said leave what yeah i'm do you think that's a typo i have been staring at that trying to work out if it's a typo my dad used to have sacks of it to put on the garden for the veg now garden has been spelt g-s-t-d-e-n which is making me think league might have been leaf. However, I think you'll enjoy 119. Don't you, Steve? Yeah, absolutely.

Over to you. It's an absolute cracker. Hello, Frank. My husband shares your sheer indignation over the leafed humus. He's been shouting at the radio about it and claims he cleaned the humus from our car charging port this AM. Thank you for raising this informative issue. Incidentally, he once met you about 10 years ago

in a swimming pool changing room. Oh, he was one of those guys. Not a family one in the Cotswold. Our two-year-old son was screaming his head off for me and you, Frank, ever ready with a helpful suggestion, said to my husband, that's gratitude for you. Praise Redacted, Erica and Mark. You can say that about any child you cry.

It's a great catch-all. Yeah, I get very self-conscious in dressing rooms. Why? Because you're an anecdote on legs. A naked you're an anecdote on legs. A naked celebrity is an anecdote on legs. Yeah, but what a pair of legs. If you don't mind me objectifying you.

Yeah, but it's all right. Everything's fine if you start at the bottom, but then things start going wrong. And I always think, oh, they're making mental notes of this for stories in the pub later.

The horror. The horror. The horror. We've also had 597 has been in touch with us. Just to continue with some of our correspondence. Hi, Frank, Emily and Steve.

I'd never heard of humus either until today. It really worked, that cardinal hume. I really feel confident now. I'd never heard of humus either until today. I'm with Emily as a mulch person. Yeah, I'm all right with mulch. I don't mind it. Although I'm not sure. Oh, I know that was rude. I don't know

whether I could say that. I don't know. Don't say anything borderline. I can't cope. Yeah, I... I was not going to read that bit out. No, no. I think we'll leave that. If I'm not going to say it, then it's... Steve, Steve,

end of the P, no. I think we'll leave that. If I'm not going to say it, then it's... We're in trouble. Steve, who's a bit end of the pier rude. That was Simon of Sudbury. Oh, yes. Who's one of our regulars. Okay. And it's not like him. He's got a little bit medieval with the... Has he got a bit barrack room?

He's got a little bit medieval. We don't want any of that. The crudité. We don't want any of that. The crudité. We don't want any of that. Is that SOS? We've also had some justice for Bernie Clifton. Oh, yeah. A few people have said there's a bit of dispute

about what exact instrument he plays. I think it's the ostrich. It's either the trombone or the trumpet. Glenn Davis has said Bernie plays trumpet. He's in the Englandombone or the trumpet uh glenn davis has said bernie is in the england in the the traveling band and someone has quoted martin sullivan and said but bernie clifton was a member of the england band certainly in 2014 according to the guardian who quoted david baddiel commenting on twitter and david had said i tire of endless rural britannias and great escapes. Clifton played trombone. Yes, Dave has always been furious that they never play Three Lions, the England band.

And that band's only existed since 96 as well. Its genesis was when your song was first released. Yes, there's gratitude for you, as I said to the crying chants. It's the absolute equivalent. Born out of 96, but still their infernal screeching shows no respect. That's what you said about me and Cath once. Oh, yes. Now, listen.

Listen. It's all going gonna be Frankie Howard we've got some that we've had some correspondence through Frank yes you know what I'm talking about here Steve it's regarding the food ah yes Frank's food of choice it's regarding your beloved crisp choice. Are they crisp? Are they? They're a maize corn snack. Are they? Well, I'm just making that up.

I think they're a maize balls. We're talking about, and we don't advertise on the show, although I do very much like radish soap. We're going to get in trouble with people. People always suspect us. People think we're doing something. Yeah, they think we've cooked up some deal. And also, what I always say with Takis,

which is the snack we're discussing, is that everyone else on the show hates it. So it's a weird kind of advertising. It would work if you were to advertise it, Takis for the comedian, as a play on Taxi for the comedian if you're familiar with that

that's terrible Steve you say it Steve it's one of the worst things you've ever said I don't like it I'm pitching money making ideas I love you Steve

but I ain't having it I'm just surfing out advertising ideas love you Steve come on Takis for the comedian no stop it I stand by it I'm not ashamed advertising ideas. Love you, Steve. Come on. Tack is for the comedian. No, stop it. I stand by it.

I'm not ashamed. Respect, though. You know the other version was there's only... No, no respect. There's only... My respect is swirling down the block hole.

The other version was... If anyone's listening in Australia, yours would be swirling the other way. There's only two things in life that are certain, death and Takis. That was the other thing that came in. Oh, that's better.

That's better. Do you know what? What isn't? What isn't better than Takis for the comedian? I mean... Come on, Steve. I think Taxi for the comedian isn't great. And that's without any interference.

Anyway, I don't know if we should be workshopping our guests. Listen, we've all got a ballet link. You've just found yours. I've been relegated back to guest after the poor quality of that pun has seen me demoted. That was me subliminally distancing myself from your work. You are out of the family. You're no family, I'm on.

Yeah, it's like that. What's that Disney thing when the guy with the glasses who lives in the wall? I hate him. Come on, help me out. He sounds terrible, that man. What do you think I imply? Hang on, she's the producer.

What's he called? What is it, a Disney character who lives in a wall? Yeah. With glasses. We need to talk about, or don't mention. Oh, we don't talk about Bruno. Oh, God. You could have told me.

Humus, Bruno. Am I speaking a foreign language? Well, yeah, pretty much. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you know what I realised the other night from watching a documentary about ABBA? You have gone ABBA mad in your family. Well, yeah. So Kath, she's gone totally since ABBA Voyage. How many times

at least three three and I think there's another one in the in the offing and so

I realised now that I prefer Anna Freed to Agneta

for years it was always Agnata and I've really grown into Anna Fried. Voice of controversy. Yeah. I think, you know what it is, I think as you get older, the sort of just the classic beauty thing is tedious.

That's good news. Yeah. Who likes it, me? No, it isn't. That's good news. Yeah. He likes it, mate. No, he isn't.

And she just looks like a bit more, she's got a bit more going on, Anna Freed, I think. Looks a bit more sparky. So you're saying you're sort of hunting out the hinterland a bit more? I don't know. I've always been a bit. Fantastic. Welcome to hunting out the Hinterland with Frank Skinner. Kath always quoted for years that I said to her

that she was beautiful, but she was like a director's cut of a beautiful woman. She's quoted that back to me a thousand times. Yeah. To her? Yeah. Oh, Kath. That's what intimacy is all about.

Nevertheless. Although, to be fair, Kath likes nothing more than for you to select someone quite odd-looking, celebrity, and to be told she looks like that person. What Kath loves best of all is a celebrity who's stuck with his wife, who's now getting a bit older.

And she'd say, go on, and be a celebrity, you'd think, oh, I bet they've got rid of their original wife and got some dots. And he'll still be with the original wife, and Cattelove's going, aww. So, deeply patronising and then if you say oh yes they got remarried

and she'll go oh yeah exactly I'm with her they're all George they're all George Donny yeah Steve

we got I don't feel we've we've we've gone deep enough into Steve's world well you say that I think you'll find we just had

what Joe Letaxi yeah that's how I'm going to call him we just had... What, Joel Letaxi? That's how I'm going to call him from now on. That's punishment. I just... Steve Letaxi. And I've just had... Well, that last song was playing. I've just had my first Takis experience.

Oh, yeah. I gave Steve one. I feel like I've had a thousand Red Bulls. It's odd how people never have the second one. You might want to think about that. What does that tell you? We did actually never get to the... That was the sound effect.

Frank, we'll get extra money for that. They told me they'd pay us extra if we make a... I don't want their money. It's blood money as far as I'm concerned. Once you pop, it is medically urgent that you stop straight away. We never got to the correspondence regarding it, but we can come back to it. Is there a...

Yeah, there was, Steve, wasn't there? Yes, there was. Oh, well, let's do that, and then Steve can tell us. It's from one of our friends in Tenerife. Yes, later. They're not in Tenerife, but they had a holiday there, Steve. Am I right? Yes, absolutely. If I was from Tenerife, but they had a holiday there, Steve. Am I right? Yes, absolutely.

If I was from Tenerife, I would get two friends together and I would get a band called the Three Tenerife. And I just think it's a good title just waiting to happen. But the people of Tenerife are a bit slow on it, I'll be straight with you. The good people of Tenerife. I don't even know where Tenerife is. bit slow on it, aren't they? Straight with you. The good people of Tenerife. I don't even know where Tenerife is. I've got no idea.

Is it Spanish? It's the European side of Africa, is it? Is it Africa? Technically, I believe, is it? I don't know. One of us will know. Anyway, these characters will just give you, leave you on a bit of a cliffhanger here.

Yes. Steve? We've said the absolute highlight of this week's sojourn to Tenerife, These characters will just leave you on a bit of a cliffhanger here. Yes. Steve? We said the absolute highlight of this week's sojourn to Tenerife, which I enjoyed, was the discovery of Takis in a local supermarket. Okay, we'll leave it there. So we'd left you on a Takis cliffhanger yes from leighton who'd been to tenerife and discovered a takis in the local supermarket and he says i had to see what all the hullabaloo was about and bought myself a packet of each flavor on offer wow he went blue

so the first ones i tried were the intriguingly titled queso volcano which my most my most basic grip on on Spanish translated as some kind of cheesy volcano. They were rather nice. And I was all ready to declare myself a member of hashtag Team Frank with both Pierre and Emily plummeting, in my opinion, thanks to their amateur dramatics and histrionics. Wow. He says, I then attacked the second flavor. Oh, what had I done? I can only assume Mr. Skinner's favored flavor is what the Spanish title Fuego.

Initially, they were not too bad at all. A little strange, but perfectly palatable. It was only on the third or fourth one that they really hit me. And the fire caught at the back of my throat with the rest of my mouth soon catching up. Fuego. I'm just holding up my foot, my packet of fuegos.

Yeah. Says, I immediately became desperate for a drink which did indeed calm things down a bit and allow my sunburn to once again be confined

to the exterior of my body. Oh, nice. He said, Pierre and Emily, I apologise sincerely and unreservedly. Frag,

I applaud you for seeking out and enjoying bold new exciting tastes at a time when perhaps the train may be to flavour a more beige plateful. Oh. I've got a beige dog. Is that okay? You have, yeah. Mine's Brindle. Oh, is he?

So what colour? Martin. There's that colour. Actually, Brindle, I didn't know what Brindle was I thought Brindle was a mix of sort of black and brown or muckled together that's what I thought

but when I googled he does come under Brindle well hush my mouth there's sufficient chocolate in him oh okay you can't give him chocolate now of course no all our dogs when I was a kid lived on chocolate and biscuits chocolate in him. Oh, okay. Yeah. You can't give him chocolate now, of course. No.

Indeed. All our dogs when I was a kid lived on chocolate and biscuits. But apparently they die now if you give it to them. Yeah.

They always have gone, Frank. Yeah. Perfectly happy with it. I would like Frida from Abbott, Mark Ryan says, is a fascinating person. No, I believe

she's a member of the Swedish or the Swiss royal family or something of that equivalent. She married like the Baron von Dinglebehring and he died and she's a princess, I think. And now she goes out with some, I've looked her up. I think Mark has said, I don't know if it was, but he has said she was born as a result. Her birth father was, I'm afraid, a Nazi officer

and Mark says, too dark for breakfast. Yeah, that is. Yeah. We won't hold that against her. We won't hold that against her. I'm glad you've gone over to Frida, Frank. Yeah, she's... I find, you know, celebrities who moan about celebrity,

I think that's where Agnate is. Oh, yeah, people, you know, following me around. Well, just get a job in the post office. Why didn't you do that? It's like knowing what Mark's just told us there about her dad being an officer. That changes Super Trooper for me. Something way more troubling.

Oh, please. Please. Steve, I don't feel, I don't want Steve's only, the only impression Steve leaves on the show today to relate to, you know what I'm going to say, Frank. Yes. Gerald, a taxi.

It's a taxi gate. I would like to find out more about what's going on in Steve's world. Okay, well, I'm going to say, Frank. Yes. Gerald a taxi. To taxi gate. I would like to find out more about what's going on in Steve's world. Okay, well, we'll come to Steve's world. Thank you. What's the saying? It's Steve's world and we all just get to live in it or something like that. Is that what people say? We all need to get a taxi first.

It's Steve's world and we politely avoid it. Yeah. And we make our excuses and leave. Oh, no, we don't. We love you, Steve. We love Steve. Yes, in a slightly patronising way,

but with some affection. With some affection also. No love is unalloyed, I would say. Now, oh, I was asking steve i want to know about steve's life frank don't you go on yes what's happening what is my life how do i exist what's up i well we talked about it a couple of years ago we talked about this so my wife is uh studying and researching a condition called misophonia. Oh, yes. Both Emily and Pierre are fairly severe sufferers of it.

Wow, everybody's got something. The condition, it's a disorder where... We're very intolerant. It's an extreme emotional reaction to repetitive noises. Right. Chewing, breathing, fingernails. I get it visually. So, for example, I had to tell the producer

the other week, please stop twiddling your laminate because it was distracting me to the point where... That's a fiddle tie. I know, but come on, what is she? I know, but some people need a fiddle tie. That's as simple as that.

Anyway. It's things like that. So fingernails on typewriters, keyboards rather, typewriters makes it sound a bit more 1970s than it intended to and so uh she has had a book published so it just came out in september it's the first proper self-help guide to people with misophonia and she set up the first nhs referral scheme in the country does it come with three earplugs on the front like when you wear children's comic and you with three earplugs on the front? Like when you buy a children's comic and you get all that stuff stuck on the front.

She has been trying to research what are the best earplugs to get. I know. I don't know if I'm allowed to mention brands, but I have about six. It is, it's tricky. I don't get it. I know you don't, darling.

It's a noisy old world we live in. What's the big deal? Oh, about 1953. There are people, I think the research said that 18% of the country have misophonia to some degree, but there are people

who have it on a clinical level where it goes beyond mere annoyance at people being rude and it goes into despair and rage and so on. Goodness. And so the people who've got it, it really ruins their lives. And so she's been doing all sorts of media to promote it.

So she's been on Steph's Pack Lunch. She went on Jeremy Vine. She sat on the BBC breakfast couch with Charlie and Naga. Oh, Charlie. Yeah, she got the big dogs. Did she like Charlie? She said they were absolutely delightful. Yes.

And for some reason, all of these shows, they always play in... All of these shows are my version of misophonia. When you're sitting watching the telly shouting, why? As Frank said, why am I here? I believe you once said when we were in a film or something and watching someone and you said, why am I here? I think it's always good to ask why are we I here? I believe you once said when we were in a film or something and watching someone and you said, why am I here?

I think it's always good to ask why are we all here? Just as a moment of justification. She was interviewed in the Times as part of the book promotion. By Brian Blessed. And I was going to read an excerpt from the interview.

It'll become apparent why I'm reading this particular bit. Well, maybe we should have, we're about to go into the news, so maybe we should hold this excerpt. So let's just set this up. It's an interview with The Times, your wife, and the subject is misophonia. Yeah. People who don't like certain noises.

I think we got it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Okay, we're going to go back to Steve because he left us on a cliffhanger. We don't have a jingle for Steve. What about this? Fabulous. That's very much the noise in my head as i walk down the street i should hope so so my wife has written a book on misophonia as we were saying and she was interviewed in the times that'd be a great bernard manning my wife's written a book on misophonia i said shut up

so the reason i'm reading you this excerpt will become apparent as as i read it out you'll I said, shut up. So the reason I'm reading you this excerpt will become apparent. As I read it out, you'll understand why I want to share this with the world. So the interview says, she grew up in a beach town in Australia and moved to the UK in 2010 after falling in love with an Englishman, the comedian Steve Hall. The first three years of their relationship were long distance. It wasn't until they moved in together that Gregory, my wife uses her maiden name, made a terrible discovery.

I said to him, have you always breathed this loudly? She couldn't believe she hadn't noticed. She says, I would have considered that a deal breaker. I didn't think I could be with someone who breathed loudly and ate loudly, and he did both. Impressively, love got them through. Hall agreed that if the room was quiet, he wouldn't sit too close. If we were eating, sometimes it was better for him to sit next to me so I couldn't see the eating process, and sometimes it was better for him to sit opposite me so I couldn't hear it. So that is four paragraphs about what a disgusting pig I am in

the Times, in the paper of record for the United Kingdom. Well, thank God for the paywall. No mention of the fact that she snores like a warthog. Where is my interview? I knew a woman

who, no, I knew a guy, I didn't know the wife, but he, when they had meals, she used to wear proper industrial ear protectors because she couldn't stand the noise he made when he chewed. Really? I mean, this is a level of intolerance. Well, my wife's had that. She's had an excerpt from that interview printed on a mug

that I now drink from. I slurp tea from the mug with her own words taunting me. I'd say that's certainly been imprinted on a mug. I don't think I am a heavy breather. I took a football to the nose from a comedian's football game and Milton Jones sent over a very elegant cross that I headed badly and hit with my face and I think that's what created it and I've uh I've had septoplasty to try and I've gone under the surgeon's knife to annoy my wife slightly less. That's what Kim Kardashian said I know there's excuses. I don't know how people get through with this level. It was literally the sound of me breathing the sound of me being

alive makes my wife want to smash my face I get I get stick for whistling but I'm from the 50s what does she expect but you can avoid whistling and sometimes you don't

know you're doing it but generally speaking but breathing you're kind of stuck with as you say yeah yeah but um but she's got my thing is the long-nailed crew tapping yes on the iphone that's an awful yeah yeah you know the dog online though they sound like a dog i love the sound of a dog online but it sounds like shep i don't want that. I actually say to people, when they've got those very long acrylic nails

and they tap on the phone, I say, can you please stop doing that? Well, I just ask you people to think of Beethoven, who would have killed to be able to hear these noises in his later years. He was a nice man, apparently. Churchill had misophonia, apparently. I just found this out recently.

He had typewriters shipped in from America that were silent keys because of the noise of the clacky typewriters that were made in the UK. No wonder he didn't like Hitler. He was a noisy individual. Gosh. So noisy.

Oh, shout. He shouted. Get on to the microphone. Well, it makes sense why he wanted to fight them on the beaches now, because the sand is softer. Wait, shout? There's a microphone? Can you not see the microphone? Well, it makes sense why he wanted to fight them on the beaches now because the sand is softer. Yeah. Even Blondie,

I mean, Blondie, that poor dog, he was wincy because he had very good hearing. They do Alsatians. Maybe he didn't bark. What, Blondie? Yeah.

No, he wasn't allowed. Frank, briefly, Sally Sallet, misophonia, husband scraping the freezer drawers in and out, then rummaging about through the crunchy contents. It makes my teeth itch. But the trouble is, surely every relationship that lasts any time is less an intolerance.

I mean, I really get annoyed that my partner wears odd socks and wears clothes inside out. I don't want to see the exposed seams. I'm not living with the Frankenstein monster. But nothing changes. I just have to... Years ago, a final thought on this, we had couple counselling and the

counsellor said to me, I think you need to accept there's not going to be any big changes here. You either take it like this or you don't take it at all. And I said, OK, I'll take it like this. We can all learn from that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I've been sent the audio book of Steve's wife. I couldn't hear it.

Oh, fuck. Steve's wife and I couldn't hear it oh fuck actually I'm going to tell you it's called Sounds Like Misophonia by Dr Jane Gregory if anyone wants to I can't believe

I don't plug like this my own stuff no you don't never we're not allowed yeah Frank

yes we have things to discuss here well there's a thing that we discuss every year, which has occurred, which I think we should probably take on. And that is the John Lewis Christmas ad. It's something of an institution. Institution. I mean, there's a big hullabaloo. There is all sort of hullabaloo. Every time it drops. I felt very young when I said that, Frank.

Drops. That was very good. Like the trainers. And this year's has dropped. I believe it's called Snapper. Yes. Have ye both seen it? Yes. In case anyone might have seen it and not realise what it is,

it's about a boy at a second hand fair thing who buys what is supposedly a seed of a perfect Christmas tree and when he plants it, it turns into a Venus fly trap, which

becomes enormous to the point where his parents remove it from the house. It's a little shop of horrors sort of. Yes, it's very little shop of horrors. Oh, well, I thought of you, actually. Well, I was wondering if it brought back memories for you. Oh, you're thinking of my Triffids? Emily was in Day of the Triffids in the 80s, was that?

Which was a bit of a classic BBC series. Well, we didn't know. As you know, I had a choice, Frank. I was offered another part at the time. It was Susan and Dare the Triffids. Yes. Or Fanny by Gaslight. Huh?

Was it Power Cut? Frank. Yeah. And I went for Triffids. Well, you did the right thing. You went sci-fi, which is always a good thing. I got hogged by an Avenger at the weekend, by the way. Did you?

Which one? Paul Bettany, who plays... Oh, I love Paul Bettany. Gangster number one. He's great. Oh, I like him. He was in Master and Commander. Yes, that's a fabulous film.

He was. But he's a fantastic vision. Well, I know he is. Really tremendous. Anyway, I live near Triffid Alley. Do you? Remember, he was one of the Iraqi... Oh, Michael.

...cabinets. I can't believe you did this. No, Triffid Alley. Is that why there's so much hummus on your car? Is that why there's so much hummus on your car? Triffid Alley is the local people. It's a league of gentlemen. Yes.

You know how local people, I mean, are proper local people who get involved in things. Oh, yes. They want to have it actually named Triffid Alley. In the book, is it Bill the main character? Correct. Bill races Mason? Anyway, Bill races into an alleyway to escape the Triffids, a narrow alleyway,

and it's been identified as being at the bottom of my road. What, the one that John Wyndham wrote about? Yeah, yeah. So there is a plaque there that says Triffid Alley, but they want it to be properly, they want it to be named Triffid Alley. Oh, I'll have to take my picture in Triffid Alley. Yeah.

My picture in Triffid Alley. The next time you come over, we'll go down to Triffid Alley. I might sell it at a convention. I just wonder if they didn't film there, did they? No, we filmed in Suffolk, I believe it was. Oh, okay. I'll tell you the locations afterwards i have picked i have a whole album i've got the triffid album see that could be

remember i had a book the other way it was behind the scenes i had a picture book of conan the barbarian you could bring out a similar thing that would be a bit tragic well i bet believe me i i was at comic-Con last week. There were definitely people there who'd be interested. Oh, imagine me behind a desk, Frank, with a styrofoam cup of coffee with no queues. That'll be 15 quid. Oh, no.

15 quid. Move along. Paul Bettany was 125, I think, for a photo. But, you know, he's a bit special. It's Bettany. thing for a photo but you know it's a bit special it's Bentley Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio yes so boy befriends

mysterious outsider family are upset and don't trust mysterious outsider it's the whole it's E.T. it's the snowman it's E.T., it's the snowman, it's Meghan Markle.

It's a very common narrative trope. So this poor creature, who I think is suggesting it eats their dog. Yes, it's a dog eating, but it also vomits Christmas presents on the plus side. No, I don't think it does, does it? Oh, does it not? It eats them and then it vomits them unwrapped, is what it does. Which is rubbish because you're losing warranties, instructions, everything. A bit soggy.

So one of the siblings of the slightly troubled, lonely boy figure, siblings of the slightly troubled, lonely boy figure. The sibling gets some beats, as I recall. And they're just, they're chomped. So in a strange bit where the family all go out and lay their gifts in front of the now exiled Venus flytrap. I find that very odd. Why do they do it? Like the magi

worshipping at the feet of this shrub I couldn't work out I got that wrong I thought are they giving do they feel bad and they're giving it

a present I thought they fear it they're trying to appease this angry Venus flytrap demon Why did the family give the Venus flytrap presents

I have a theory 8, 12, 15 because they didn family give the Venus flytrap presents? I have a theory. A 12.15. Because they didn't give it presents. They were their presents. Yeah. I think they're saying you are our Christmas tree and so we're laying our gifts.

But they don't lay the gifts underneath it. They lay the gifts before it. And then he chews them up and spits the beets out without any instructions, any of the additional leads or wiring for charging. Do you know what they should have said, Frank?

There's no charging equipment comes with the beets. They've been consumed. They needed you on hand to come up with an end line, which should have been, there's gratitude for you. That's what I'd have said to that fly trap. I had a Venus fly trap and nothing would it. No, I had a Venus fly trap. Absolute it... No, I had a Venus fly trap. Absolute rubbish.

I feel nervous. Do you feel nervous? Constantly. I used to kill flies, put them on its spiky lips and it still didn't react. It was an absolute rubbish Venus fly trap.

What are they... Get a dog. A dog is much better. When there's a fly in the house it's like I bought the dog an Xbox it'll keep it going

for half an hour just leaping around after much more fun than watching just like a thing with a fly on its lip doing nothing

the whole thing did feel a bit like they'd forgotten to write a pitch for it and then they had to do the pitch and just kind of made it up

as they went along so they just, it's a Venus flytrap and it's scary, but then it tries to eat the dog but then it doesn't eat the dog. And worst of all, Yeah?

The thing that makes it unwatchable Go on. Oh, here we go. Festo! Festo! Festo! Oh, Bocelli. Stop that terribleness.

I wish opera singers would stick to opera and not come into the popular culture world. And I love opera, but that's where they belong. He's got a lovely voice, but not on an advert. How your wife copes with an advert, I cannot imagine. So, sorry, just to recap, your review of Bocelli is stop that terribleness. Yes. Okay.

But don't cross over. Right. You know, he did a lovely thing on Strictly with his daughter. And they sang, what did they sing? I can't remember. Sarah? I remember. It was something tear-jerking.

Sarah, you're my popular culture consultant you're giving me nothing anyway I'll tell you what they did hallelujah they did that and that was alright because there were two people

dancing to it very elegant but fester fester fester sounds like somebody um skin specialist doing a checklist frank skinner on absolute radio frank jeff has been in touch just to say my daughter works in a garden center oh yeah and since the john lewis ad they've been inundated with requests for venus fly traps don't bother that's all i'm saying are they no good well my my maybe i just got a doffer i got a vegetarian venus fly i've never had one they frighten me Also, it is very much,

only thing of what you said about they just threw an advert together. There is a definite advert piece of borrowing in that the Venus flytrap really looks like one of the aliens who championed instant mashed potato back in the 70s and 80s. Do you remember they used to talk, they were the smash.

For mash gets smash. And they suggested that people who boiled potatoes and grew potatoes and all that were primitives. There's a bit where they say, they are clearly a most primitive people. They all laugh. Their laugh was so sinister. Civilisation is signified by the use of instant mashed potato.

Do people still eat instant mashed potato? Sarah? No. My son's quite into it, weirdly. Is he? Yeah, and we've done it the proper way and he doesn't like it and he likes the smoothness of the instant

what concerns me about Venus Flytrap is the slight feeling of unease I have at the end that nothing has been resolved we have no guarantee from this plant monster

that it won't kill the family in the next fray. It will kill again. Yeah. There's no dog in the external. He's eaten the dog. A Venus flytrap is for life, not just for Christmas. Also, you are not getting rid of the problem by putting it in the garden.

No. Okay? And this policy of appeasement that they're using is going to backfire. What message are they teaching? There's no boundaries here. They've made a Venus flagship happy, but at what cost? Yeah.

Now, it's not my favourite Christmas ad for quite a while. Have you seen any of the others? Because I sort of got sucked down a bit of that. I do like Three Old Ladies on sledges. Yes. What about the ad? We don't want to know about your specialist interests. No, I'm obsessed with

Inuit burial rituals. No, I like that one. That's a lovely, moving and quite sexy advert for the old ladies on sledges. I'll show you what I like, Frank. I did like the Elton John one oh I don't know that one

that one when he's this was from last year Elton John as a boy do you remember that we both cried at that yes we shed a tear yeah

have you seen the three old ladies on no yes that's very nice it's a good one though okay we're not saying the name of the I don't know I don't know. I don't know

what it's advertising. I believe it's Amazon. Oh, is it? That's alright. They should go down on cardboard boxes. You give these people heating allowances and then they head for the slopes. Very ungrateful.

Absolute Radio Frank you may recall Steve was reading out an extract from his wife Jane's interview

in the Times in which Steve if you'd care to remind us it was pointed out at great length at I am a disgusting pig with no table manners who eats, breathes and drinks far too loudly. Yeah. She should have kept that to herself.

A pig is an animal with dirt on its face. Go on, carry on. In fairness to Jane, Ruth Jordan has said, has Steve previously talked about his wife on stage and she's done the Times interview to get her own back? I wasn't sure where that was going to go. I thought it was going to say, Ruth Jordan says in Jane's defence, she's heard me eat.

I generally don't talk about her too much on stage you've talked about her on here a bit I think nothing abusive like the Times interview never mind that all changes from today the gloves are off

you've got plans have you Steve the gloves are off but the earphones are definitely on yes what else we've heard from 596 who says as a geography teacher of too many years we have to teach about tropical rainforest and their structure and uh the humus as in humor uh is indeed leaf mold he calls it leave mold yes you, I think it might contain even living... I know leaves are sort of... I think it even might have insects and things in it. It's basically dead stuff

and gardeners are keen on all sorts of dead stuff. OK. All right. Sorry I brought you north. Please don't bring it up. And uh oh this looks interesting david coldly has said uh good morning f e and s fez oh that's good to know it's not really fez no because there should be a zed you should be ziggy if we wanted that uh i'm listening to a different guy wouldn't't he, if he was Ziggy Hall. What would Steve be like if he was Ziggy Hall?

He'd have very... I'll tell you what he'd have, Frank. Slightly... He'd have a blonde, floppy hair. Hmm. Don't you think? And slightly tight jeans that they wear on Love Island. And he wouldn't eat like a garbage truck. And his breathing

would be immaculate. His breathing would be almost indiscernible. But then, you know what? He wouldn't be our Steve and we wouldn't love him. No, he wouldn't have done the taxi joke. Frank said he's going to... He might be a pig, but he's our pig. Frank said he's going to go and see one of your gigs. Oh, yes.

Where are you on? We're doing... Are you on tonight? Yeah, we're in Bristol this afternoon. This afternoon, but that's sold out it's you and Steve me and Steve Williams are on tour

no so seeing us sold out there's always singles that's my experience tell me about it we're doing the Frog and Bucket in Manchester next weekend

that's not sold out okay we're doing Leicester Square Theatre in March I'll come to that one with Frank Murphy so that's the two Steve

Steve Williams was also a friend of the show yeah so go's the two Steve Steve Williams who's also a friend of the show yeah so go and yeah go and see the Steve's they come with

our recommendation the two do you call it the two Steve's we call it good Steve-ning oh Frank I like that what do you think

so that is so mean good Steve-ning we call it we call it the we actually call it the small rooms we call it the small rooms in very cheap tickets tour. You should call it no sense of humor. Steve, it's always lovely to have you on.

You are a tremendous sport, which is what people always say post abuse. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.